Log:Terror and Joy

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Terror and Joy

"You always make the prettiest cages."

Participants

Gabe and Cardinal

June 9, 2018


An unexpectedly shared ache is discussed, morality is puzzled out, plans are considered and a promise is woven.

Location

Hollow - Blue Bayou


The kelpies were no longer in the yard. Gabe had moved them back into the bayou. Not far from the outhouse and workshop, he'd worked the land into a small pool and grown make-shift fences the water could pass through from vines and brush to encircle mother and babe. Mother was currently wading around while the baby did much the same with a notable limping - but finally on his feet - in the smaller pool, playfully swinging swamp grass around. Gabe was seated on the the bank nearby, stark naked as he often was in the bayou, just nursing a mason jar filled with some fruity pink colored drink, arms draped over muddy knees, watching the pair with a kind of quiet satisfaction.


Cardinal's arrival is a quiet thing by habit, by nature, her footfalls soft as she makes her way through the darkness between the cove and the bayou and lets out through the hollow tree. It is when, several steps into the wetlands, she spies Gabriel on the bank of that pool that her skulking becomes intentional. Quietly as she can, she slips behind a tree, leaning heavily against its trunk, and spends... well, who knows how long just watching. Not the interplay between the brace-legged foal and his mama, but the antlered man watching them. There's a good chance she's not even giving it much conscious thought when the toe of one shoe presses to the heel of the other to slip a shoe off, though she quickly pays some mind to what she's doing when her sock sets down on the damp ground. Turning to press her back to the tree, to hide herself entirely, she sets to stripping, leaving a pile of clothes she might hopefully maybe remember to recover lately.

On bare feet--and with bare everything else--she creeps ever so stealthily from her hiding space to where Gabriel sits on the water's edge, keeping to the greenery when she can, directly behind him when she can't. As she draws nearer, she circles off to his left while calling on the Wyrd to misdirect his attentions. Just off to his right, so very close, he might catch a scent of sugar and cream and roses and waffle cones, a glint of silvery light, a brush of fingers against his shoulder...

She waits for him to turn--ear first, then eyes--before she pounces. Literaly. Naked and so very pleased with herself, the redhead launches herself at Gabriel from his left, meaning to pin him--nevermind her insubstantial weight... or the glass in his hand.


In that time watching him, she'd find he'd settled into a comfort, there's a soft smile playing on his lips, but there's also a kind of melancholy behind it. His ears flicked occasionally, but it was due more to strange little gnats that buzzed around or at some itch. He was well mired in his thoughts, in watching the pair, and didn't catch even a hint of Cardinal's creeping arrival.

Well, not until he was supposed to. Just as she predicted, his ear swiveled to that sound first. He leaned back as his head turned soon after, peering off into the growth, the teal moss down his spine and the golden thorns sprawling across his skin turned her way, tail twitching upward. No, he never saw it coming. One moment he's searching for that moonlight glow around the trees and the next...

"Ooof!" as he not quite topples, but does lose his glass in catching his weight with one arm and her body impulsively wrapped in the other as he collapsed further to his elbow and kicked one leg out to counterbalance his weight. He turned wide eyes towards her as that hold tightened, felt like it might be about to turn the pinning game back on her and none too kindly, a trigger of the fight instinct - but once he registered the smell and the red and the familiar face - it all melted into a woosh of a sigh and then a quiet chuckle as he relaxed the squeeze again. "Shit...you fuckin' got me, Birdie."


Not a single peep issues from Cardinal as she makes that attempted tackling, not even to offer some assurance of identity and intention when she feels his muscles tighten up like he's going to throw her down against the earth. There might be a particular thrill in her eyes for that, in truth, but it's brightened toward triumph when the tension melts with his sigh, when she's able to properly sink in against him. It takes a little squirming to get settled into a proper straddle, her arms draping about his mossy body as she puffs up with just a touch of pride. "And now you owe me a boon," she declares in her little whisper of a voice. "Tell me your secret, Bayouwalker, for I have earned it fair and square."


Down in the water, Mama had squealed a shrill braying startled sound. Baby had made a lurch just to tumble into the water and was now working on getting his stiff leg up beneath him again. Neither were bothered beyond the startle though and the foal wandered over curiously, neck stretched out over the shore to sniff at the glass that had rolled that way to bump up agianst a root. Gabriel relaxed back more fully to both elbows while she settled in, lazing his fingertips across her thighs while he looked her over, spent a few moments just appreciating the look of her there before he found his way back up to find her eyes with a lift of his brow and ear at the declaration. "...My secret," he grins. "You're gonna have t'be more specific than that, darlin'."


Cardinal stared at Gabriel for a moment, at once adoring and proud, before letting herself be distracted by the kelpie come to sniff at the spilled booze. She looks back over her shoulder at the baby, smiling brightly to see him doing so well, but she watches for only a few seconds before returning to attention to her prize. Sinking in closer, she draws a hand to his cheek, brushing backward until fingers are pushing through his hair. "Something's on your mind. Is everything alright?" More warmth than worry in those words, meant to be a gentle check-in rather than prying.


Gabriel's body didn't give much when more of her meager weight settled over him. His head tipped into the touch at his cheek, eyes lulling half closed for a moment when he brushed a kiss to the heel of her hand when it passes by then looks back to the question that finds her lips. He gives the question a little thought before admitting, "I was sittin' here wonderin' if there's a word for missin' somethin' that you ain't never had in the first place."


Recognition registers before anything else, Cardinal's features flashing an immediate ache which suggests she's been wondering something similar herself. It's softened with a smile as her hand--and her gaze--drifts downward, fingers trailing along neck to settle upon his shoulder while her eyes linger for a second on how her silvery moonglow illuminates his blue-green colors. "There has to be," she murmurs with certainty. "Maybe not in English, but it is not an uncommon thing." When her pale-eyed attention lifts again, seeking out his, she asks, "What is it you miss?" This is more direct, curiosity to see how her ache and his might connect.


Gabriel looked like he might do his typical retreat; he got so far as starting to shake his head, but then he stopped short, brow furrowing. He pressed himself more upright, drawing her up with him, and settled his arms around her hips. "Seems like it makes it a real loss to give it life, recognizin' it," he starts, ears dropping back. Still it didn't sound like he was intending on holding out, he just had the Thinking look, trying to find his words in his slow deliberate way he had when he got into Deep territory. What he comes up with was, "I never told ya my fetch is still 'live an' livin' my life did I?"


Cardinal sunk back into a comfortable slouch as Gabriel drew himself upright, her bony bottom settled against his thighs, her hands sinking to splay unevenly against his belly. She doesn't interrupt while he's thinking, just keeps her wide-eyed attention settled on him damned near unblinkingly. Like he might change his mind if she doesn't keep watching for the words to come. When they do? She draws up a little straighter, her hands curling into little fists as she frowns. Instead of speaking anything of what's running through her mind, she just shakes her head and lets him share what he wants.


Gabe is thoughtful for a few moments before reaching up to scratch at his jaw and through the tangle from his chin. When he drops his hand back down he starts, "I wasn't even outta high school when they snatched me. Worst I had to worry 'bout was gettin' kicked off th'football team if I didn't get my grades up. Had this sweetheart though. I was gonna marry her one day. Was 'bout fifteen years later I got loose. Went home, yea? Reckon we all do. Try to go home. I got there and there was this life, all set up and thrivin'. My high school sweetheart on the porch. My old truck parked outside this farmhand house on my folks farm. And all these kids. Five of 'em. One of 'em spotted me, lil girl not knee high, started hollarin' all excited for Daddy." He shook his head a little there and glances down to where his thumb had taken up a lazy circling of her navel. "I didn't know those kids. Didn't know what they liked, what they was 'fraid of, what they dreamt 'bout. I wasn't their Daddy. Didn't figure it was right to go bustin' up their life. It woudln't be the same man. So I walked 'way."


Cardinal's stomach sinks before her eyes do, gaze going unfocused round about the time that Gabriel looks down. So still, so silent, even her belly barely moves with breath beneath his thumb. It takes a few seconds, several really, before she starts nodding. And then nodding goes on a little too long. Eventually, she turns a look off to the side, maybe considering the baby kelpie, more likely not. Hands lift from his stomach, moving to shape words slowly rather than sound them out. <<Do you want to be a father?>>


His attention lifted, finding her face while she looked off, still there when she looked back though his eyes dropped to her hands when they lifted. Ingrained reaction now. He pondered the question, starting to speak, then stopping short and pulling his arms loose to raise his hands to sign back instead. It was easier than trying to get the words to leave his tongue. << I thought I had put it behind me. It wasn't a thing I could have anymore. I told myself I wasn't sure I really wanted it - it was just what I was supposed to do. >> There's a short pause, hands hanging while he weighed the next thought then began again, << Sylvie hanging around...and Jack, your kin, stepping out into the world more and seeing families at the ice cream shop or the stores. It's all come back. >>


Cardinal flicks a look past Gabriel's lifted hands to look at him, long enough that one might wonder if she caught those first words, but she's mindful to refocus, to pay mind to the movements, to the emotion within those sentiments. She doesn't lift her attention from where it's settled at about his shoulders when she starts to sign her answer, less delay this time, as if the quiet that's befallen their conversation is a little more comfortable than talking had been. <<It's a different feeling for me. Wanting to keep building this life with you. More and more.>> Her nod is a shallow thing, barely noticeable. <<I've been thinking about it, too. It's not impossible. Not by any stretch. But maybe it's not a good idea.>> Her fingers have started moving faster now, the somber deliberation giving way to a flood of more anxious emotions as she lifts her gaze in search of his again. <<Not with me, anyway. I am not a good person, Gabe. I would not be a good mother. Any kids you might have deserve a good mother.>>


There's a quirk of his brow, echoed in his ear when she relates similar feelings. Perhaps he'd not expected them. He still needed to linger on the hands, the signs, to catch them all so there weren't many glances back up until the very end. With a small muted frown he lifts his hands, lacing one hand back into her hair near her ear while the other curled more at the side of her neck and jaw to thumb across her cheek. His head shakes slowly when he rumbles, "You're a good person," he returns quietly, but with certainty and conviction. "If you cared even a lil bit of the care you show me, or your friends, or your family...Th'way you encourage folks to grow, not just...change who they are. I kinda think you'd be real good at it, Birdie."


Cardinal never flinches from Gabriel's touch. Except now. When his fingers find her, she withdraws ever so slightly, shoulder shrugging up defensively before she catches herself. She may find it in her to still that cringing, but her frown only deepens. When he disagrees so directly out the gates, she shakes her head in immediate opposition, hands lifted to sign an emphatic, <<I'm not,>> even as he goes on talking. She does try to hear him out, though she keeps her hands poised, ready to protest the instant the opportunity arises. <<No. That's only part of who I am. Only some. When you found your life occupied by someone else, you let them keep living. You let people stay happy. You gave up what you wanted for them. For strangers, really! Kids you didn't know. A dad who wasn't you. Someone you loved some long time ago. You did the right thing. The good thing. The nice, human thing. And I killed mine. There were people who loved her, who liked her, who-->> The thought hitches, and she stares at Gabe for a few seconds, breathing heavily in her strange grief. <<They like her more than me. They wish I was her. I see it. What happened to Lizzy? Why's she so broken and strange? They miss the old Lizzy. But the old Lizzy is dead. And I'm all that's left.>>


Gabe frowned some at the draw back and let his hands drop, but they didn't fall entirely away, instead settling his arms to rest loose around her hips. He heard her out, but eventually, he could only shake his head. "I didn't do it for Sarah. Didn't do it for my double neither. Not for my family or whatever friends he mighta made. It was just th'kids." But yes, strangers. He sighs some when he starts, "None of us are all good, or all bad, Cardinal. We got bad in us but we choose t'do the good most of the time. And maybe it's not likin' one or the other better. Maybe it's like when you go to drink somethin' and you think it's tea but it's coke and it just tastes all wrong at first. You're not less than her, just diff'rent, but they don't know that. They think they're drinkin' tea that don't taste like tea." He sounded skeptical, unfortunately, maybe she'd place it correctly on his being unsure she'd take his reasoning anybetter, that he was probably digging a deeper hole. Maybe she'd think he doubted the words themselves.


Cardinal's hands fall to settle on his arms while she listens, to keep that contact even if she'd withdrawn from it when the hurt had first welled up inside her. When he explains his reasons, her forehead furrows deeply, like she's trying to puzzle something out, and that look doesn't go away for the analogy he draws. At the end, she lifts her hands to sign sadly, <<Except AJ. She knows.>> But her expression hasn't changed, her confusion unresolved as she searches his eyes, as she works up the nerve to ask, <<Would you have killed him and tried to settle back into your life if there hadn't been kids?>>


Gabriel leans forward to press his brow to hers and curls his fingers close against the small of her back, voice dropping quiet when he tells her, "Up til this lil ball of fur 'n chaos came tumblin' into my life shakin' it all up, I still thought 'bout goin' back South and takin' it all back. Put it off, told myself maybe after the kids would be grown." He pauses a moment before nodding, "If it wasn't for the kids I'd have torn it apart, burnt what was left, and sent the remains back into the Hedge."


Cardinal's arms wrap right about Gabriel the moment he draws in so close, cossing behind him a bit more tightly than she might mean. His words, those honest, difficult admissions, have her eyes watering, her head rocking against his as she nods. Her embrace tightens further, until she's smashed up against him, tits to chest, forehead to forehead and nose to nose. "Okay," comes quietly, a spill of breath against his lips. The second, "Okay," is a little firmer, as if they may have been about different things. Even too close like this, she tries to make eye contact as she asks, "When?"


Gabe's arms circled further around until his fingers were wrapping back around her bony sides, all but swallowing her up and crushing her there. What she comes back with - he'd expected something else maybe, something more about the more immediate subject. His brows lift and he echos back, "When?" like he hadn't quite heard her correctly. Then with a strained, unsure chuckle, "I don't know that we can rightly say when. Prolly no good gettin' hopes up until we got a How, yea?" His eyes had dipped while he spoke, one hand pulling from her back to graze his fingertips across her belly between the press of their bodies. He looked back up from the press of her chest to find her face when he finished, "Let's figure the How first."


Cardinal's head shakes against his at the trace of his fingers over her own sunken stomach. Hard to imagine that hollowness ever having any volume to it. "I'm sure there's magic for that," she tells him, voice so quiet a thing, "But who knows what kind of costs it comes with. Half its soul belonging to Arcadia?" Her nose scrunches as she shakes her head again. She's quiet for a moment, her hold loosening ever so slightly, some of the tension that had built up melting away. "Maybe could look at adopting."


Gabriel works his jaw a little left and right, nodding some agreement over the costs. "Wonder if it's just bein' sterile or if th'vessel couldn't hold it either if an ordinary seed was planted," mused aloud before he glances up to the far more practical suggestion was made. "It's gonna be a tricky thing. Gettin' it through courts." Somehow that seemed a larger obstacle than trying to find the right magic, not that he sounded detered by it. "And if they dig in on my legal identity much - it won't hold water."


Cardinal's hand moves behind Gabriel's back as she echoes, "Seed," almost certainly reflexively signing that word as well. "We're not growing any trees inside me, and I'm not a clay jar." Her nose nudges against his, playful despite her protests. "And paperwork can be fixed. Way deeper than you might think. Just have to know the right people." And it sounds like maybe she does. Drawing back, she seeks out his eyes, her own still a little wet with unshed tears, her expression serious. "This mean you're ready to marry me?"


Gabe snorts at her teasing protests and grunts back, "You think I know all the science words right?" He nods along with the rest, glancing curiously at the tone but not asking after just who those people may be. He straightened his head some to meet her eye, a soft, warm smile curled to his lips. He chuckled, despite the serious look she had about her, looking down briefly before turning back up towards her eyes. "I reckon it does."


Cardinal keeps searching for a couple seconds after that confirmation comes out as if waiting for some qualifier or complication. When it doesn't come, her eyes widen a little as she nods, as if he had just proposed, and it was up to her to agree. She agrees. Sedately, at first. After a second or three, she pushes forward, eyes closed, and kisses him fiercely, all hard and happy and... terrified. She breaks the contact long enough to admit, "I'm scared," before going back in to where it's safe, that place where they're too busy kissing to talk about scary things anymore.


Gabe grinned a little more fully with the nods, though that's lost with the kiss, when he wraps her back up tight and chases it back just as eagerly. Whatever he might have said to her admission - it's not quite found its way off his tongue before she's on him again. He takes all the time it takes for the sudden blaze to wind back down to embers before he pulls his hands from where they'd wound up tangled into her hair to find her own hand, drawing it up between them. "Missin' somethin'," he 'explains' whiile he held her hand there, gently nudging her fingers until the ring finger was more isolated. The wyrd was at work around them all the while, calling up what looked like it should be saplings, but they're so very very skinny without a single branch. They twist and wind their way between the changelings, until they're weaving their way into delicate braidwork around her finger. At the top, to the lower edge, they twist into a small knot before the tips of the twining wood work outward, two to a side, finally forming little spiked branches to look like delicate antlers. Just as they stop their accelerated reshaped growth, the excess breaks away from inside the braid, leaving no real trace of beginning or end visible.


Cardinal doesn't look entirely done with the kisses even after that initial passion has petered out, her attention still on Gabriel's lips until he starts fussing with her fingers. Something missing there? She can see it now. And so can he. It starts as a dainty, delicate diamond ring of a simple cut and carat; surely, what's expected of a young couple like them. It morphs into a big glassy red ring pop with a plastic base. From there, a band of foil, a bowed length of twine, a heart-shaped mood ring, a new age crescent moon set in lapis lazuli. When the much less illusory growth starts to push through the images she's summoning, the magic gives way to a different effect, to a ray of soft sunlight cutting through the canopy to shine all gold and hopeful right down on their hands, to a cheerful chirping of birds almost certainly not present in the hedge singing out a nearly melodic song, to a strain of soft accompaniment played upon the wind. All of the sound swells up swiftly and dies, leaving only the warm light and the natural noises of the bayou around them. By the time the antlers are shaped and the ring is done, Cardinal's finally crying properly, tears spilling slowly down her cheeks as she continues to stare, hand tilting this way and that to get a good look at it, a good feel for it. "You always make the prettiest cages." Her voice catches in her throat, terror right there beside her joy.