Difference between revisions of "Tamarack Times Gossip Column"

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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;big<br>column&nbsp;for&nbsp;you,&nbsp;so&nbsp;let's&nbsp;get&nbsp;right&nbsp;to&nbsp;it.<br>Last&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;asked&nbsp;for&nbsp;your&nbsp;resolutions,<br>and&nbsp;boy&nbsp;howdy&nbsp;did&nbsp;you&nbsp;send&nbsp;them&nbsp;in!<br><br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Elsa&nbsp;Vayn&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;eat&nbsp;at<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;least&nbsp;one&nbsp;piece&nbsp;of&nbsp;fruit&nbsp;a&nbsp;day.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;David&nbsp;Carmichael&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;on<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;least&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;vacation&nbsp;every&nbsp;quarter,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;delight&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;less&nbsp;work-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a-holic&nbsp;partner,&nbsp;Bobby.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Joe&nbsp;Quinn&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;lose&nbsp;50&nbsp;lbs.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Jane&nbsp;Quinn&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;kick&nbsp;&nbsp;Joe's<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;patoot&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;gear&nbsp;any&nbsp;time&nbsp;he&nbsp;reaches<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;doughnuts&nbsp;instead&nbsp;of&nbsp;celery...<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;Dolst&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;finish<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;novel&nbsp;he&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;working&nbsp;on&nbsp;since<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;seventh&nbsp;grade.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Rebecca&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;not&nbsp;murder<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;niece,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;brother,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;spilling<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;neon&nbsp;pink&nbsp;dye&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;vat&nbsp;of&nbsp;milk&nbsp;and<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;costing&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;family&nbsp;thousands&nbsp;of&nbsp;bucks<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;wasted&nbsp;product,&nbsp;time,&nbsp;and&nbsp;inedible<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ice&nbsp;&nbsp;cream.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;on&nbsp;good&nbsp;auth-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ority&nbsp;that&nbsp;said&nbsp;niece&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;brother&nbsp;are<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;banned&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;barn&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;foresee-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;able&nbsp;future&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;facilitate&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;con-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;tinued&nbsp;survival.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Elizabeth&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;avoid<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;aunt.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Jonathan&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;buy&nbsp;stock<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tension&nbsp;Tamer&nbsp;tea.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Delika&nbsp;Soluos&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;learn<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;calligraphy,&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;can&nbsp;start&nbsp;her&nbsp;own<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;greeting&nbsp;card&nbsp;business.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;A.&nbsp;Nony&nbsp;Mouse&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;get<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;name.<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;resolutions&nbsp;folks&nbsp;asked<br>not&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;named&nbsp;for,&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;twelve&nbsp;other<br>people&nbsp;wanting&nbsp;to&nbsp;lose&nbsp;weight,&nbsp;eleven&nbsp;who<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;travel&nbsp;more,&nbsp;five&nbsp;who&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;get<br>wealthy&nbsp;&nbsp;lovers&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;live&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;a&nbsp;life&nbsp;of<br>luxury,&nbsp;four&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;learn&nbsp;the&nbsp;fine<br>art&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;cooking&nbsp;&nbsp;better&nbsp;for&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;who<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;do&nbsp;more&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;environment,&nbsp;and<br>one&nbsp;who&nbsp;wants&nbsp;to&nbsp;bone&nbsp;my&nbsp;editor.&nbsp;<br><br>My&nbsp;&nbsp;editor&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;he&nbsp;will<br>consider&nbsp;your&nbsp;offer,&nbsp;anonymous&nbsp;lover.
  
  
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>month&nbsp;away&nbsp;from&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;Day,&nbsp;but&nbsp;that<br>isn't&nbsp;stopping&nbsp;the&nbsp;stores,&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;it?&nbsp;&nbsp;Thank<br>you,&nbsp;capitalism,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;giving&nbsp;me&nbsp;cheap&nbsp;yet<br>delicious&nbsp;&nbsp;chocolate&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;peanut&nbsp;&nbsp;butter&nbsp;<br>hearts.<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;hearts,&nbsp;get&nbsp;this:&nbsp;Mandy<br>Hart&nbsp;&nbsp;thought&nbsp;Monday&nbsp;was&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;just<br>another&nbsp;morning,&nbsp;woke&nbsp;up,&nbsp;made&nbsp;her&nbsp;coffee<br>and&nbsp;ate&nbsp;food&nbsp;which&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;told&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;say<br>was&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;&nbsp;healthy&nbsp;&nbsp;than&nbsp;the&nbsp;Boston&nbsp;creme<br>doughnut&nbsp;it&nbsp;actually&nbsp;was,&nbsp;when&nbsp;there&nbsp;came<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;banging&nbsp;from&nbsp;her&nbsp;garage.&nbsp;&nbsp;In&nbsp;she&nbsp;went,<br>and&nbsp;lo&nbsp;and&nbsp;behold,&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;garbage&nbsp;bins&nbsp;were<br>a&nbsp;mess.&nbsp;&nbsp;Thinking&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;raccoon,&nbsp;&nbsp;she<br>tidied&nbsp;up,&nbsp;&nbsp;looked&nbsp;for&nbsp;holes,&nbsp;then&nbsp;forgot<br>all&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;it&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;end&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;work&nbsp;day.<br>Upon&nbsp;arriving&nbsp;&nbsp;home&nbsp;&nbsp;again,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;garbage<br>bins&nbsp;were&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;floor,&nbsp;&nbsp;along&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>garbage&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;them,&nbsp;and&nbsp;what&nbsp;did<br>she&nbsp;&nbsp;find&nbsp;but&nbsp;a&nbsp;PIG&nbsp;rooting&nbsp;around&nbsp;in&nbsp;it?<br>As&nbsp;it&nbsp;turns&nbsp;out,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;tourist&nbsp;family's&nbsp;pet<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;gotten&nbsp;&nbsp;loose,&nbsp;and&nbsp;there&nbsp;were&nbsp;happy,<br>oinky&nbsp;endings&nbsp;all&nbsp;around.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;way&nbsp;to<br>spend&nbsp;a&nbsp;Monday.<br><br>This&nbsp;was&nbsp;not&nbsp;the&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;animal&nbsp;sighting&nbsp;to<br>occur&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;past&nbsp;week.&nbsp;<br><br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;showing&nbsp;of&nbsp;"Matilda"&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;ele-<br>mentary&nbsp;&nbsp;school&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;past&nbsp;&nbsp;weekend&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;<br>disrupted&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;bleating&nbsp;&nbsp;stampede&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>shaggy,&nbsp;&nbsp;smelly&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;goats&nbsp;--&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;high-<br>schoolers&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;set&nbsp;&nbsp;them&nbsp;&nbsp;free&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;are<br>going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;start&nbsp;&nbsp;doing&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;&nbsp;fast<br>community&nbsp;service,&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;they,&nbsp;Samual?
 
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==January 23, 2020==
 
==January 23, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;looks&nbsp;as<br>though&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;manicurist&nbsp;in<br>town!&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;that&nbsp;Lou&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bang&nbsp;Bang<br>down&nbsp;at&nbsp;Crops&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bobbers&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;talk-<br>ing&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;stranger&nbsp;about&nbsp;settling<br>here.&nbsp;&nbsp;Lady,&nbsp;come&nbsp;stop&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;some<br>time&nbsp;and&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;chat.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;still&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit<br>of&nbsp;that&nbsp;good&nbsp;coffee&nbsp;left&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;office<br>vultures&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;managed&nbsp;to&nbsp;pilfer.<br><br>In&nbsp;other&nbsp;news,&nbsp;I&nbsp;finally&nbsp;snagged&nbsp;a&nbsp;source<br>young&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;clue&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;in&nbsp;on&nbsp;why&nbsp;we've<br>all&nbsp;been&nbsp;seeing&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;everywhere.&nbsp;Seems<br>like&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;&nbsp;kids&nbsp;started&nbsp;a<br>viral&nbsp;trend&nbsp;on&nbsp;TikTok&nbsp;called&nbsp;"angel&nbsp;dust-<br>ing"...&nbsp;The&nbsp;original&nbsp;form&nbsp;called&nbsp;for&nbsp;some<br>sort&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;container&nbsp;of&nbsp;white&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;to&nbsp;be<br>placed&nbsp;above&nbsp;a&nbsp;doorway,&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;aim&nbsp;of<br>having&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;fall&nbsp;onto&nbsp;the&nbsp;head&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;next<br>person&nbsp;walking&nbsp;through,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>younger&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;has&nbsp;informed<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;receiving&nbsp;the&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;inside&nbsp;of<br>an&nbsp;envelope,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;filming&nbsp;yourself&nbsp;doing<br>so,&nbsp;has&nbsp;also&nbsp;become&nbsp;a&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;trend.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;given&nbsp;the&nbsp;crisis&nbsp;going&nbsp;on&nbsp;with&nbsp;micro<br>plastics&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;oceans,&nbsp;I&nbsp;did&nbsp;feel&nbsp;the<br>need&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;reach&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;our&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;TikTok-<br>ker,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;pleasant&nbsp;surprise,<br>they&nbsp;had&nbsp;already&nbsp;established&nbsp;ground&nbsp;rules<br>requiring&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;followers&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;use&nbsp;eco-<br>glitters.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kudos,&nbsp;kid.&nbsp;&nbsp;You've&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;good<br>head&nbsp;on&nbsp;those&nbsp;glitter-crowned&nbsp;shoulders.<br><br>Vazi,&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;hand...&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;heard<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;few&nbsp;&nbsp;conflicting&nbsp;&nbsp;opinions&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;how&nbsp;you<br>managed&nbsp;to&nbsp;break&nbsp;that&nbsp;ankle,&nbsp;kiddo.&nbsp;<br><br>&nbsp;1.&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;chasing&nbsp;a&nbsp;flying&nbsp;paper&nbsp;air-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;plane&nbsp;and&nbsp;ran&nbsp;off&nbsp;the&nbsp;roof.<br>&nbsp;2.&nbsp;You&nbsp;were&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;lawn&nbsp;and&nbsp;slipped.<br>&nbsp;3.&nbsp;Your&nbsp;&nbsp;younger&nbsp;&nbsp;brother&nbsp;&nbsp;turned&nbsp;into&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;whirling&nbsp;&nbsp;dervish&nbsp;of&nbsp;dooooom&nbsp;and&nbsp;your<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ankle&nbsp;was&nbsp;sacrificed&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;Lego&nbsp;gods<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;tribute.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;going&nbsp;for&nbsp;Lego&nbsp;gods.&nbsp;If&nbsp;you&nbsp;have&nbsp;ever<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;kids&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;had&nbsp;Legos,&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;you&nbsp;will<br>be&nbsp;too.
 
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==January 30, 2020==
 
==January 30, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>cute&nbsp;one&nbsp;for&nbsp;us.&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;special&nbsp;someone&nbsp;(hint<br>hint,&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;name&nbsp;rhymes&nbsp;with&nbsp;'hill'&nbsp;and&nbsp;he<br>owns&nbsp;a&nbsp;bar&nbsp;&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;town)&nbsp;is&nbsp;turning&nbsp;65<br>next&nbsp;&nbsp;week,&nbsp;and&nbsp;he&nbsp;may&nbsp;or&nbsp;may&nbsp;not&nbsp;be&nbsp;get-<br>ting&nbsp;a&nbsp;present&nbsp;from&nbsp;a&nbsp;mysterious&nbsp;benefac-<br>tor...&nbsp;If&nbsp;I&nbsp;were&nbsp;he,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;keep&nbsp;an&nbsp;eye&nbsp;out.<br>That&nbsp;gift&nbsp;looked&nbsp;hot!<br><br>In&nbsp;related&nbsp;news,&nbsp;kudos&nbsp;to&nbsp;your&nbsp;son,&nbsp;Bill,<br>though&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;seldom&nbsp;had&nbsp;more&nbsp;cause&nbsp;to<br>use&nbsp;the&nbsp;'facepalm'&nbsp;&nbsp;emoji&nbsp;than&nbsp;I&nbsp;did&nbsp;this<br>past&nbsp;weekend.&nbsp;&nbsp;For&nbsp;folks&nbsp;new&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;area,<br>Bill's&nbsp;&nbsp;son&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;trainee&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;local<br>volunteer&nbsp;firefighters.&nbsp;A&nbsp;tourist&nbsp;slipped<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;fell&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;southern&nbsp;bridge&nbsp;into<br>the&nbsp;Tam,&nbsp;and&nbsp;they're&nbsp;okay,&nbsp;thanks&nbsp;to&nbsp;Bill<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;bystanders,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;they<br>wouldn't&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;fallen&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;place<br>if&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;hadn't&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;bending&nbsp;&nbsp;backwards<br>upside&nbsp;down&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;edge&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;railing<br>to&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;selfie...&nbsp;&nbsp;Their&nbsp;&nbsp;GoPro&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;not<br>rescued,&nbsp;and&nbsp;neither,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told,&nbsp;was&nbsp;their<br>smartphone.&nbsp;&nbsp;Seriously,&nbsp;people.&nbsp;No&nbsp;selfie<br>is&nbsp;worth&nbsp;your&nbsp;life.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hypothermia&nbsp;is&nbsp;not&nbsp;a<br>joke.<br><br>That&nbsp;&nbsp;said,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;human,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;can't&nbsp;help<br>but&nbsp;laugh&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;fails&nbsp;I've&nbsp;seen<br>on&nbsp;the&nbsp;internet.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let's&nbsp;&nbsp;turn&nbsp;this&nbsp;around<br>and&nbsp;check&nbsp;on&nbsp;YOU,&nbsp;my&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;readers:&nbsp;what<br>is&nbsp;YOUR&nbsp;most&nbsp;hilarious&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;fail?<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;for&nbsp;disclosure,&nbsp;&nbsp;Emma<br>Richards&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;paid&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Cadbury&nbsp;Creme<br>Eggs&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;publically&nbsp;state&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;following:<br>she&nbsp;heard&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;grapevine&nbsp;that&nbsp;her&nbsp;long-<br>time&nbsp;&nbsp;boyfriend,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;broke&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;with&nbsp;her<br>last&nbsp;Spring,&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;recently&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;accepted<br>into&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;NASA&nbsp;&nbsp;space&nbsp;&nbsp;program,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;she<br>hopes&nbsp;he&nbsp;does&nbsp;so&nbsp;well&nbsp;that&nbsp;he&nbsp;becomes&nbsp;one<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;next&nbsp;astronauts&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;land&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>Moon...and&nbsp;&nbsp;stays&nbsp;there,&nbsp;preferably&nbsp;alone<br>and&nbsp;choking&nbsp;on&nbsp;his&nbsp;own&nbsp;hot&nbsp;air.<br><br>Sorry,&nbsp;Dave.&nbsp;&nbsp;Shouldn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;done&nbsp;that.
 
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==February 6, 2020==
 
==February 6, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;angel&nbsp;&nbsp;dust<br>has&nbsp;officially&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;sanctioned,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;not<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;good&nbsp;way,&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;town&nbsp;hall&nbsp;meeting.<br>Local&nbsp;EMTs&nbsp;&nbsp;took&nbsp;three&nbsp;people&nbsp;down&nbsp;to&nbsp;the<br>hospital&nbsp;after&nbsp;a&nbsp;massive&nbsp;glitter-splosion<br>accident&nbsp;&nbsp;where&nbsp;balloons&nbsp;half-filled&nbsp;with<br>"angel&nbsp;dust"&nbsp;were&nbsp;popped&nbsp;by&nbsp;accident,&nbsp;all<br>at&nbsp;once,&nbsp;by&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;falling&nbsp;ladder&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Town<br>Hall&nbsp;itself,&nbsp;sending&nbsp;&nbsp;pounds&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;stuff<br>right&nbsp;into&nbsp;eyes&nbsp;and&nbsp;airways.<br><br>On&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;bright&nbsp;side,&nbsp;you&nbsp;can&nbsp;be&nbsp;proud&nbsp;of<br>one&nbsp;thing:&nbsp;&nbsp;you,&nbsp;and&nbsp;your&nbsp;TikTok&nbsp;friends,<br>have&nbsp;leveraged&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;fifteen&nbsp;&nbsp;seconds&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>fame&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;officially&nbsp;labeled&nbsp;a<br>disturbance&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;peace.<br><br>Envelope-form&nbsp;only,&nbsp;kids.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;bad&nbsp;news.&nbsp;&nbsp;Nettle<br>won't&nbsp;be&nbsp;staying&nbsp;on&nbsp;as&nbsp;our&nbsp;new&nbsp;manicurist<br>after&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;says&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;enjoyed<br>getting&nbsp;to&nbsp;know&nbsp;the&nbsp;ladies,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;gentlemen,&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;short<br>while&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;here.&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;wish&nbsp;her&nbsp;all<br>the&nbsp;best&nbsp;in&nbsp;her&nbsp;new&nbsp;life&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;millionaire<br>lottery&nbsp;winner,&nbsp;lucky&nbsp;duck.&nbsp;&nbsp;When&nbsp;I&nbsp;asked<br>her&nbsp;about&nbsp;her&nbsp;plans,&nbsp;she&nbsp;said&nbsp;she&nbsp;and&nbsp;her<br>hubby&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;decided&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;find&nbsp;their&nbsp;dream<br>home&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;hills&nbsp;of&nbsp;Italy,&nbsp;and&nbsp;intend&nbsp;to<br>spend&nbsp;their&nbsp;days&nbsp;posting&nbsp;&nbsp;YouTube&nbsp;&nbsp;videos<br>of&nbsp;their&nbsp;costumed&nbsp;cats&nbsp;putting&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;feline<br>versions&nbsp;of&nbsp;Shakespeare.<br><br>To&nbsp;each&nbsp;her&nbsp;own,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;keep&nbsp;an&nbsp;eye&nbsp;out<br>for&nbsp;those&nbsp;videos,&nbsp;Nettle.&nbsp;&nbsp;Tombu&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;one<br>cute&nbsp;cat.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;as&nbsp;much&nbsp;as&nbsp;I&nbsp;would&nbsp;love&nbsp;to&nbsp;write&nbsp;all<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;entries&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;received&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;most<br>embarrassing&nbsp;selfies,&nbsp;my&nbsp;editor&nbsp;has&nbsp;asked<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;poll&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;top&nbsp;three,<br>and&nbsp;these&nbsp;are&nbsp;the&nbsp;result:<br><br>&nbsp;1.&nbsp;When&nbsp;taking&nbsp;a&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;windy&nbsp;tower<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;overseas,&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;who&nbsp;shall&nbsp;remain&nbsp;name-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;less&nbsp;at&nbsp;her&nbsp;own&nbsp;&nbsp;request&nbsp;felt&nbsp;quite&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sudden&nbsp;breeze&nbsp;down&nbsp;below&nbsp;when&nbsp;her&nbsp;new<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sarong&nbsp;&nbsp;slipped&nbsp;&nbsp;free&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;hips.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;This&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;as&nbsp;much&nbsp;of&nbsp;an<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;issue&nbsp;if&nbsp;she&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;wearing&nbsp;her&nbsp;last<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;pair&nbsp;of&nbsp;"emergencies&nbsp;only"&nbsp;panties...<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;holes&nbsp;in&nbsp;awkward&nbsp;places.<br>&nbsp;2.&nbsp;Every&nbsp;time&nbsp;this&nbsp;gentleman&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;try<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;picture&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;himself&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;send<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;dating&nbsp;service,&nbsp;his&nbsp;cat&nbsp;Pogo<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;somehow&nbsp;&nbsp;photo-bomb&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;shot,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;until&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;eventually&nbsp;gave&nbsp;in&nbsp;and&nbsp;just<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;held&nbsp;the&nbsp;cat.<br>&nbsp;3.&nbsp;A&nbsp;young&nbsp;woman&nbsp;thought&nbsp;she&nbsp;looked&nbsp;fab,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;went&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;take&nbsp;a&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;of&nbsp;herself<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Park.&nbsp;&nbsp;Satisfied,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;posted&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;picture&nbsp;to&nbsp;her&nbsp;social<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;media&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;accounts,&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;receive&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;message&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;after&nbsp;&nbsp;message&nbsp;&nbsp;asking&nbsp;&nbsp;her<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;the&nbsp;dogs.&nbsp;&nbsp;Puzzled&nbsp;by&nbsp;this,&nbsp;she<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;looked&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;&nbsp;closely&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;selfie,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;lo&nbsp;and&nbsp;behold,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;pair&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;dog-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;walkers&nbsp;were&nbsp;chatting&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;bench,&nbsp;and<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;pooches&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;doing&nbsp;it,&nbsp;doggy-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;style&nbsp;of&nbsp;course,&nbsp;behind&nbsp;them.<br><br>Immortalized&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;internet.&nbsp;Ever&nbsp;wonder<br>what&nbsp;aliens&nbsp;would&nbsp;think&nbsp;about&nbsp;our&nbsp;species<br>if&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;watched&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;post&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;<br>universe&nbsp;to&nbsp;see?
 
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==February 13, 2020==
 
==February 13, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>Kip&nbsp;Kensington-esque&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;Day&nbsp;fail<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;share&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;all.&nbsp;&nbsp;No,&nbsp;sadly,&nbsp;Kip<br>himself&nbsp;is&nbsp;not&nbsp;a&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;you're<br>being&nbsp;entirely&nbsp;too&nbsp;circumspect&nbsp;lately.<br><br>But&nbsp;enough&nbsp;of&nbsp;Kip.&nbsp;&nbsp;On&nbsp;to&nbsp;today's&nbsp;gossip!<br>Upon&nbsp;waking&nbsp;up&nbsp;yesterday&nbsp;morning,&nbsp;the&nbsp;80-<br>year&nbsp;&nbsp;old&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Mitchell,&nbsp;a&nbsp;retired&nbsp;school<br>counselor,&nbsp;&nbsp;looked&nbsp;out&nbsp;her&nbsp;front&nbsp;door&nbsp;and<br>saw&nbsp;that&nbsp;she&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;package&nbsp;waiting.&nbsp;&nbsp;Not<br>having&nbsp;ordered&nbsp;anything&nbsp;recently,&nbsp;she&nbsp;was<br>curious&nbsp;nonetheless,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;anonymity&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;box&nbsp;and&nbsp;its&nbsp;sender&nbsp;really&nbsp;should&nbsp;have<br>been&nbsp;a&nbsp;clue.<br><br>Long&nbsp;story&nbsp;short:&nbsp;a&nbsp;delivery&nbsp;of&nbsp;very&nbsp;sexy<br>toys&nbsp;and&nbsp;playthings&nbsp;spilled&nbsp;out&nbsp;in&nbsp;rubber<br>and&nbsp;lace&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;her&nbsp;table...<br><br>Thankfully,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;"loving"&nbsp;note&nbsp;inside<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;box&nbsp;sent&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;items&nbsp;did&nbsp;include<br>the&nbsp;name&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;intended&nbsp;&nbsp;recipient,&nbsp;a<br>young&nbsp;&nbsp;woman&nbsp;who&nbsp;lived&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;house&nbsp;next<br>door.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;lesson&nbsp;to&nbsp;all&nbsp;who<br>order&nbsp;&nbsp;gifts&nbsp;&nbsp;online:&nbsp;&nbsp;double-check&nbsp;&nbsp;your<br>delivery&nbsp;addresses,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;could&nbsp;&nbsp;send<br>kinky&nbsp;sex&nbsp;toys&nbsp;to&nbsp;grandmothers&nbsp;with&nbsp;heart<br>conditions.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;delving,&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;been<br>watching&nbsp;the&nbsp;news?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;think<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;prospectors&nbsp;looking&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;mine<br>again?&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;town&nbsp;could&nbsp;use&nbsp;the&nbsp;money,&nbsp;as<br>Mayor&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;would&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;quick&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;agree,&nbsp;but<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;worth&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;all&nbsp;that&nbsp;noise<br>and&nbsp;fuss?&nbsp;&nbsp;Why&nbsp;don't&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;&nbsp;make&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;a<br>historic&nbsp;landmark&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;done&nbsp;with&nbsp;all<br>of&nbsp;this?<br><br>In&nbsp;lighter&nbsp;news,&nbsp;parents,&nbsp;don't&nbsp;forget&nbsp;to<br>pay&nbsp;a&nbsp;visit&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;library&nbsp;on&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street<br>before&nbsp;&nbsp;Saturday.&nbsp;&nbsp;There's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;kiddie&nbsp;pool<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;Goldfish&nbsp;&nbsp;crackers&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;challenge&nbsp;to<br>guess&nbsp;&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;many&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;pool&nbsp;for&nbsp;you<br>and&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;kidlets&nbsp;to&nbsp;win.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;don't<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;time&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;in&nbsp;person,&nbsp;you&nbsp;can&nbsp;also<br>submit&nbsp;&nbsp;bets&nbsp;&nbsp;online,&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;library&nbsp;web-<br>site.
 
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==February 20, 2020==
 
==February 20, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;turns<br>out,&nbsp;cats&nbsp;really&nbsp;do&nbsp;know&nbsp;best&nbsp;about&nbsp;gold-<br>fish.&nbsp;&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;Desrochers&nbsp;Jr.&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;winner<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;kiddie-pool&nbsp;contest,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;real<br>prize&nbsp;&nbsp;should&nbsp;be&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;Bojangles,&nbsp;who,<br>I'm&nbsp;told,&nbsp;stood&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;numpad,&nbsp;&nbsp;then&nbsp;sat<br>his&nbsp;fuzzy&nbsp;patoot&nbsp;down&nbsp;right&nbsp;on&nbsp;top&nbsp;of&nbsp;Mr.<br>Desrochers'&nbsp;mouse-hand.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Jack,&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;should&nbsp;know&nbsp;better&nbsp;than&nbsp;to&nbsp;ig-<br>nore&nbsp;&nbsp;Bojangles.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;what&nbsp;happened<br>last&nbsp;time.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;Rocco,&nbsp;what's&nbsp;this&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;about&nbsp;you<br>and&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;colorful&nbsp;&nbsp;young&nbsp;&nbsp;woman&nbsp;&nbsp;talking<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;moving&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;together?&nbsp;&nbsp;Dana&nbsp;Shelley<br>says&nbsp;she&nbsp;overheard&nbsp;you&nbsp;two&nbsp;chatting&nbsp;about<br>looking&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;place.&nbsp;&nbsp;And&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;thought<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;girl&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;better&nbsp;taste...&nbsp;Guess&nbsp;all<br>it&nbsp;&nbsp;takes&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;melt&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;heart&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;ice&nbsp;is&nbsp;a<br>washed&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;(please,&nbsp;wash&nbsp;up)&nbsp;punk&nbsp;rocker<br>with&nbsp;a&nbsp;mouth&nbsp;in&nbsp;need&nbsp;of&nbsp;soap.<br><br>Johnny&nbsp;Quilby&nbsp;&nbsp;knows&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;about&nbsp;mouths&nbsp;in<br>need&nbsp;of&nbsp;soaping,&nbsp;now,&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;&nbsp;he?&nbsp;&nbsp;Shame<br>on&nbsp;you,&nbsp;teaching&nbsp;your&nbsp;baby&nbsp;brother&nbsp;to&nbsp;say<br>those&nbsp;bad&nbsp;words.&nbsp;Thank&nbsp;you&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;laughs<br>we&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;here&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;office,&nbsp;however,<br>from&nbsp;&nbsp;watching&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;videos&nbsp;you&nbsp;posted&nbsp;on<br>the&nbsp;internet...&nbsp;Just&nbsp;wait&nbsp;until&nbsp;he&nbsp;gets&nbsp;a<br>little&nbsp;&nbsp;older&nbsp;and&nbsp;learns&nbsp;what&nbsp;those&nbsp;words<br>all&nbsp;mean.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;surprised&nbsp;YOU&nbsp;do.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;rangers&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;one&nbsp;for&nbsp;us,&nbsp;too,<br>and&nbsp;I&nbsp;could&nbsp;have&nbsp;done&nbsp;without&nbsp;this&nbsp;one...<br>Evidently,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;herd&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;deer&nbsp;has&nbsp;somehow<br>decided&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;use&nbsp;a&nbsp;particular&nbsp;&nbsp;section&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;forest&nbsp;as&nbsp;their&nbsp;personal&nbsp;toilet.&nbsp;&nbsp;He<br>has&nbsp;never&nbsp;&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;much&nbsp;deer&nbsp;crap&nbsp;in&nbsp;his<br>career,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;hopes&nbsp;he&nbsp;never&nbsp;sees&nbsp;that<br>much&nbsp;again.&nbsp;&nbsp;Or&nbsp;steps&nbsp;in&nbsp;it.<br><br>Mr.&nbsp;Fry,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;so&nbsp;too,&nbsp;and&nbsp;please&nbsp;let&nbsp;me<br>know&nbsp;&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;bribe&nbsp;of&nbsp;movie&nbsp;tickets&nbsp;for<br>you&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;wife&nbsp;work&nbsp;out,&nbsp;for&nbsp;telling<br>me&nbsp;which&nbsp;valley&nbsp;to&nbsp;avoid.
  
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==February 27, 2020==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;been<br>informed&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;Rocco&nbsp;would&nbsp;never&nbsp;consent<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;degree&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;cleanliness&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;non-<br>smoking&nbsp;which&nbsp;would&nbsp;be&nbsp;required&nbsp;to&nbsp;cohab-<br>itate&nbsp;with&nbsp;November.<br><br>Crushing&nbsp;our&nbsp;dreams&nbsp;of&nbsp;romance&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;bud<br>seems&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;theme,&nbsp;lately,&nbsp;but&nbsp;don't<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;worry,&nbsp;readers.&nbsp;&nbsp;Sit&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;Crossroads<br>Cafe&nbsp;long&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;see&nbsp;exactly<br>what&nbsp;I&nbsp;mean.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;cafe,&nbsp;Elmer,&nbsp;if&nbsp;I&nbsp;were<br>you,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;give&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;giant&nbsp;bouquets&nbsp;of<br>roses&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;something&nbsp;subtler.&nbsp;&nbsp;A<br>nice&nbsp;necklace,&nbsp;or&nbsp;a&nbsp;bracelet...&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;I've<br>heard&nbsp;rumours&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;jeweler&nbsp;setting&nbsp;up<br>shop&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;city&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;farmer's<br>market.&nbsp;&nbsp;She&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;much&nbsp;stock,&nbsp;but<br>she&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;&nbsp;she's&nbsp;made&nbsp;it&nbsp;all&nbsp;herself,&nbsp;and<br>my&nbsp;sources&nbsp;&nbsp;claim&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;gems&nbsp;&nbsp;look&nbsp;&nbsp;real,<br>engraved&nbsp;silver,&nbsp;filigree&nbsp;pendants,&nbsp;semi-<br>precious&nbsp;stones&nbsp;and&nbsp;all.<br><br>We're&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;closer&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;March,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the<br>time&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;green&nbsp;&nbsp;beer&nbsp;&nbsp;approaches.&nbsp;I&nbsp;got&nbsp;a<br>sneak&nbsp;&nbsp;peek&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;vats&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;at&nbsp;I&nbsp;Feel<br>Hoppy&nbsp;this&nbsp;week,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;brewery&nbsp;is&nbsp;kick-<br>ing&nbsp;into&nbsp;gear,&nbsp;big-time.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>What&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;think?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;What's&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;ideal<br>green&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;beer?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;<br>drinking&nbsp;&nbsp;dye,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;all&nbsp;the&nbsp;way<br>in,&nbsp;but&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;hand,&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;can<br>use&nbsp;natural&nbsp;ingredients&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;achieve&nbsp;simi-<br>lar&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;coloration&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;without&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sacrificing<br>flavor,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;claim&nbsp;they&nbsp;are&nbsp;going<br>to&nbsp;do,&nbsp;why&nbsp;not?
  
  
==February 27, 2020==
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==March 05, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 +
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>new&nbsp;brawl&nbsp;under&nbsp;our&nbsp;collective&nbsp;belts!&nbsp;I'm<br>pleased&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;that,&nbsp;while&nbsp;patrons&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>library&nbsp;were&nbsp;&nbsp;disturbed&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;noise&nbsp;out-<br>side,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;sisters&nbsp;&nbsp;involved,&nbsp;&nbsp;Merle<br>Dalton&nbsp;and&nbsp;Sophia&nbsp;Caruso,&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;courteous<br>enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;keep&nbsp;the&nbsp;fight&nbsp;to&nbsp;words&nbsp;instead<br>of&nbsp;blows.&nbsp;&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;heard&nbsp;bits&nbsp;of&nbsp;it<br>myself,&nbsp;through&nbsp;my&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;office&nbsp;window,<br>incoherent&nbsp;though&nbsp;it&nbsp;was.&nbsp;&nbsp;From&nbsp;what&nbsp;I've<br>gathered,&nbsp;folks&nbsp;say&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;ultimately&nbsp;one<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;employees&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe&nbsp;who<br>came&nbsp;out&nbsp;and&nbsp;broke&nbsp;it&nbsp;up.&nbsp;&nbsp;Those&nbsp;are&nbsp;some<br>tough&nbsp;women.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;not&nbsp;surprised.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe...<br><br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;tall,&nbsp;&nbsp;long-haired&nbsp;&nbsp;eccentric&nbsp;&nbsp;whom&nbsp;my<br>sources&nbsp;call&nbsp;Ishmael&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;glit-<br>ter&nbsp;problem&nbsp;there.&nbsp;&nbsp;To&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;more&nbsp;specific,<br>he&nbsp;&nbsp;blew&nbsp;&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;lovely<br>young&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;lady,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Saga,&nbsp;&nbsp;during&nbsp;&nbsp;breakfast.<br>Frankly,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;surprised&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;let&nbsp;inside<br>the&nbsp;building&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;place.&nbsp;Isn't&nbsp;it<br>supposed&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;"No&nbsp;shirt,&nbsp;no&nbsp;SHOES,&nbsp;no<br>service"?<br><br>I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;comments&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;staff<br>over&nbsp;at&nbsp;Sweet&nbsp;Treats,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;about&nbsp;a&nbsp;man&nbsp;of<br>similar&nbsp;&nbsp;description&nbsp;&nbsp;loitering&nbsp;there&nbsp;for<br>an&nbsp;entire&nbsp;day.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;he'd&nbsp;been&nbsp;doing&nbsp;some-<br>thing&nbsp;&nbsp;useful,&nbsp;they&nbsp;said,&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't<br>have&nbsp;cared&nbsp;as&nbsp;much&nbsp;about&nbsp;his&nbsp;bare&nbsp;minimum<br>purchases&nbsp;and&nbsp;cheapo&nbsp;ways,&nbsp;but&nbsp;reading&nbsp;a<br>book&nbsp;with&nbsp;no&nbsp;text&nbsp;in&nbsp;it?&nbsp;&nbsp;Really?<br><br>As&nbsp;bizarre&nbsp;as&nbsp;this&nbsp;town&nbsp;can&nbsp;be,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;no<br>doubt&nbsp;he'll&nbsp;fit&nbsp;in&nbsp;just&nbsp;fine.<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;that&nbsp;freak&nbsp;hail&nbsp;storm<br>yesterday&nbsp;&nbsp;spooked&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;dairy<br>herd,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;they'll&nbsp;be&nbsp;looking&nbsp;for<br>some&nbsp;construction&nbsp;&nbsp;workers&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;near<br>future,&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;replace&nbsp;the&nbsp;fencing&nbsp;scaredy-<br>cows&nbsp;broke&nbsp;through...<br><br>No&nbsp;one&nbsp;was&nbsp;hurt,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;were&nbsp;re-<br>covered&nbsp;safely.&nbsp;&nbsp;They're&nbsp;in&nbsp;another&nbsp;field<br>for&nbsp;now,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;don't&nbsp;you&nbsp;worry.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been<br>assured&nbsp;that&nbsp;they'll&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;back&nbsp;&nbsp;home&nbsp;in&nbsp;a<br>jiffy.

Latest revision as of 20:03, 6 March 2020

Tamarack Times Gossip Column

Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.

Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.

They can be found on +bbread 3, the Media board.

This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.


Archives for posts from previous years are located at the links below:
March-December 2017 January-December 2018 January-December 2019



January 2, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I wish you a
bleary welcome to the year 2020. Finally,
a number easy to make silly glasses for!

If you slept through the fireworks on the
lake on NYE,  you are a hardier soul than
I, and I commend you.  Even this far from
the cliffs, they were dang loud, but also
worth every wince.  If you've  never gone
up  to  the  top of Salvation and  looked
down on it all,  you're missing out.  I'm
no poet,  but  it was  a garden of light,
and  kudos to the city  of  Fort Brunsett
and the tireless efforts of the fireworks
companies who made it possible.

Are you the type to write out resolutions
for the coming year?  I try, heaven knows
I try, but the bon bons tempt me back.

If you want your name in the paper,  send
in  YOUR  resolution,  and I'll put it in
the column for next week.  Let's see what
our town wants to change!

I know for sure I want to change the bear
family in the woods up on  Mischance.  If
they  want  to  set up housekeeping some-
where,  there are much better places than
the  mine  to  do it.  Kids, I have it on
good authority that  the  local officials
are taking this very seriously, so please
be  smart  about  stupid  dares.  Animals
like these should be  hibernating at this
time of year,  and  if something has them
out  and  about,  a  trained professional
should be the one to find them.

January 9, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a big
column for you, so let's get right to it.
Last week,  I asked for your resolutions,
and boy howdy did you send them in!

 * Mrs. Elsa Vayn  has resolved to eat at
   least one piece of fruit a day.
 * David Carmichael has resolved to go on
   at  least  one vacation every quarter,
   much to the delight  of his less work-
   a-holic partner, Bobby.
 * Joe Quinn has resolved to lose 50 lbs.
 * Jane Quinn has resolved to kick  Joe's
   patoot  into  gear any time he reaches
   for doughnuts instead of celery...
 * Alexander Dolst has resolved to finish
   the novel he has been working on since
   seventh grade.
 * Rebecca Fry has resolved to not murder
   her niece,  or  brother,  for spilling
   neon pink dye  into  a vat of milk and
   costing  the family thousands of bucks
   for wasted product, time, and inedible
   ice  cream.  I  have  it on good auth-
   ority that said niece and  brother are
   banned  from the barn for the foresee-
   able future to  facilitate  their con-
   tinued survival.
 * Elizabeth Fry  has resolved  to  avoid
   her aunt.
 * Jonathan Fry has resolved to buy stock
   in Tension Tamer tea.
 * Delika Soluos  has  resolved  to learn
   calligraphy, so  she can start her own
   greeting card business.
 * Mr. A. Nony Mouse  has resolved to get
   a name.

On the subject of resolutions folks asked
not to be named for, we have twelve other
people wanting to lose weight, eleven who
want to travel more, five who want to get
wealthy  lovers  and  live  out a life of
luxury, four  who  want to learn the fine
art  of cooking  better for one,  two who
want to do more for the environment, and
one who wants to bone my editor. 

My  editor  says  thank you,  and he will
consider your offer, anonymous lover.


January 16, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  are   a
month away from Valentine's Day, but that
isn't stopping the stores,  is it?  Thank
you, capitalism,  for giving me cheap yet
delicious  chocolate  and  peanut  butter 
hearts.

On the subject of hearts, get this: Mandy
Hart  thought Monday was going to be just
another morning, woke up, made her coffee
and ate food which she has told me to say
was  more  healthy  than the Boston creme
doughnut it actually was, when there came
a  banging from her garage.  In she went,
and lo and behold,  her garbage bins were
a mess.  Thinking it  was a raccoon,  she
tidied up,  looked for holes, then forgot
all  about it by the end of the work day.
Upon arriving  home  again,  the  garbage
bins were on the floor,  along  with  the
garbage  that  was  in them, and what did
she  find but a PIG rooting around in it?
As it turns out,  a  tourist family's pet
had  gotten  loose, and there were happy,
oinky endings all around.  What  a way to
spend a Monday.

This was not the only  animal sighting to
occur over the past week. 

A  showing of "Matilda" down at the  ele-
mentary  school  this  past  weekend  was 
disrupted   by  a  bleating  stampede  of
shaggy,  smelly   goats -- and  the high-
schoolers  who set  them  free  there are
going  to  start  doing  some  very  fast
community service, aren't they, Samual?

January 23, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  it looks as
though  we  may  have a new manicurist in
town!  I hear tell that Lou and Bang Bang
down at Crops and Bobbers have been talk-
ing with a lovely stranger about settling
here.  Lady, come stop by the office some
time and have a chat.  I still have a bit
of that good coffee left  that the office
vultures haven't managed to pilfer.

In other news, I finally snagged a source
young  enough to clue  me in on why we've
all been seeing glitter everywhere. Seems
like  one  of  the  local  kids started a
viral trend on TikTok called "angel dust-
ing"... The original form called for some
sort  of container of white glitter to be
placed above a doorway,  with  the aim of
having it  fall onto the head of the next
person walking through,  but  one  of the
younger ladies at the office has informed
me  that  receiving the glitter inside of
an envelope,  and  filming yourself doing
so, has also become a part of the trend.

Now, given the crisis going on with micro
plastics  in  our  oceans, I did feel the
need  to reach out to our mystery TikTok-
ker, and  much  to my  pleasant surprise,
they had already established ground rules
requiring  their  followers  to  use eco-
glitters.  Kudos, kid.  You've got a good
head on those glitter-crowned shoulders.

Vazi, on  the other hand...  I have heard
a  few  conflicting  opinions  of how you
managed to break that ankle, kiddo. 

 1. You  were chasing a flying paper air-
    plane and ran off the roof.
 2. You were out on the lawn and slipped.
 3. Your  younger  brother  turned into a
    whirling  dervish of dooooom and your
    ankle was sacrificed to the Lego gods
    as tribute.

I'm going for Lego gods. If you have ever
had  kids  who had Legos, I know you will
be too.

January 30, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've  got  a
cute one for us.  A special someone (hint
hint,  his name rhymes with 'hill' and he
owns a bar  here  in  town) is turning 65
next  week, and he may or may not be get-
ting a present from a mysterious benefac-
tor... If I were he, I'd keep an eye out.
That gift looked hot!

In related news, kudos to your son, Bill,
though  I  have  seldom had more cause to
use the 'facepalm'  emoji than I did this
past weekend.  For folks new to the area,
Bill's  son is a trainee  for  the  local
volunteer firefighters. A tourist slipped
and  fell  over  the southern bridge into
the Tam, and they're okay, thanks to Bill
and   some  good  bystanders,  but   they
wouldn't  have  fallen in the first place
if they  hadn't  been  bending  backwards
upside down over the edge  of the railing
to get a selfie...  Their  GoPro  was not
rescued, and neither, I'm told, was their
smartphone.  Seriously, people. No selfie
is worth your life.  Hypothermia is not a
joke.

That  said,  I'm human,  and I can't help
but laugh  at  the selfie fails I've seen
on the internet.  Let's  turn this around
and check on YOU, my lovely readers: what
is YOUR most hilarious selfie fail?

Last but not least, for disclosure,  Emma
Richards  has  paid  me in  Cadbury Creme
Eggs  to publically state the  following:
she heard on the grapevine that her long-
time  boyfriend,  who  broke  up with her
last Spring,  has recently  been accepted
into  the  NASA  space  program,  and she
hopes he does so well that he becomes one
of  the next astronauts  to  land  on the
Moon...and  stays there, preferably alone
and choking on his own hot air.

Sorry, Dave.  Shouldn't have done that.

February 6, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  angel  dust
has officially  been sanctioned, and  not
in  the good way, in a town hall meeting.
Local EMTs  took three people down to the
hospital after a massive glitter-splosion
accident  where balloons half-filled with
"angel dust" were popped by accident, all
at once, by a  falling ladder at the Town
Hall itself, sending  pounds of the stuff
right into eyes and airways.

On  the  bright side, you can be proud of
one thing:  you, and your TikTok friends,
have leveraged your  fifteen  seconds  of
fame to get  glitter officially labeled a
disturbance to the peace.

Envelope-form only, kids.

Now,  I  do  have  some bad news.  Nettle
won't be staying on as our new manicurist
after all,  but  she says she has enjoyed
getting to know the ladies,  and  some of
the gentlemen,  of  the town in the short
while she has been here.  We wish her all
the best in her new life as a millionaire
lottery winner, lucky duck.  When I asked
her about her plans, she said she and her
hubby  have  decided  to find their dream
home in the hills of Italy, and intend to
spend their days posting  YouTube  videos
of their costumed cats putting  on feline
versions of Shakespeare.

To each her own, but I'll keep an eye out
for those videos, Nettle.  Tombu  is  one
cute cat.

Now, as much as I would love to write all
of  the  entries  we  received  for  most
embarrassing selfies, my editor has asked
me  to poll the office for the top three,
and these are the result:

 1. When taking a selfie on a windy tower
    overseas,  she who shall remain name-
    less at her own  request felt quite a
    sudden breeze down below when her new
    sarong  slipped  free  of  her  hips. 
    This wouldn't have been as much of an
    issue if she weren't wearing her last
    pair of "emergencies only" panties...
    with holes in awkward places.
 2. Every time this gentleman  would  try
    to get a picture of  himself  to send
    out to a dating service, his cat Pogo
    would  somehow  photo-bomb  the shot,
    until he  eventually gave in and just
    held the cat.
 3. A young woman thought she looked fab,
    and went to  take a selfie of herself
    down  in  Riverside Park.  Satisfied,
    she posted the  picture to her social
    media   accounts,  only  to   receive 
    message   after  message  asking  her
    about the dogs.  Puzzled by this, she
    looked  more  closely  at the selfie,
    and  lo and behold,  a pair  of  dog-
    walkers were chatting on a bench, and
    their  pooches  were doing it, doggy-
    style of course, behind them.

Immortalized by the internet. Ever wonder
what aliens would think about our species
if  they  watched  what  we  post for the 
universe to see?

February 13, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have  a
Kip Kensington-esque Valentine's Day fail
to  share  with  you all.  No, sadly, Kip
himself is not a part of it.  Kip, you're
being entirely too circumspect lately.

But enough of Kip.  On to today's gossip!
Upon waking up yesterday morning, the 80-
year  old Mrs. Mitchell, a retired school
counselor,  looked out her front door and
saw that she had  a package waiting.  Not
having ordered anything recently, she was
curious nonetheless, and the anonymity of
the box and its sender really should have
been a clue.

Long story short: a delivery of very sexy
toys and playthings spilled out in rubber
and lace all over her table...

Thankfully,  a  very "loving" note inside
the  box sent with  the items did include
the name  of  the  intended  recipient, a
young  woman who lived  in the house next
door.  Let  this  be  a lesson to all who
order  gifts  online:  double-check  your
delivery addresses,  or  you  could  send
kinky sex toys to grandmothers with heart
conditions.

Speaking  of  delving,  have you all been
watching the news?   What  do  you  think
about  prospectors looking  at  the  mine
again?  The  town could use the money, as
Mayor Jack would be  quick  to agree, but
is  it  worth  it  to have all that noise
and fuss?  Why don't we  just  make  it a
historic landmark  and  be  done with all
of this?

In lighter news, parents, don't forget to
pay a visit to the library on Main Street
before  Saturday.  There's  a kiddie pool
of  Goldfish  crackers and a challenge to
guess  how  many are  in the pool for you
and your  kidlets to win.  If  you  don't
have  time  to go in person, you can also
submit  bets  online, at the library web-
site.

February 20, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, as  it turns
out, cats really do know best about gold-
fish.  Jack Desrochers Jr.  is the winner
of  the kiddie-pool contest, but the real
prize  should be going to Bojangles, who,
I'm told, stood on the  numpad,  then sat
his fuzzy patoot down right on top of Mr.
Desrochers' mouse-hand.  

Jack, you  should know better than to ig-
nore  Bojangles.  You  know what happened
last time.

Now,  Rocco, what's this I hear about you
and that  colorful  young  woman  talking
about  moving  in together?  Dana Shelley
says she overheard you two chatting about
looking for a place.  And here  I thought
that  girl  had better taste... Guess all
it  takes to  melt  a  heart  of ice is a
washed  up  (please, wash up) punk rocker
with a mouth in need of soap.

Johnny Quilby  knows  all about mouths in
need of soaping, now, doesn't  he?  Shame
on you, teaching your baby brother to say
those bad words. Thank you for the laughs
we  all  got here at the office, however,
from  watching  the  videos you posted on
the internet... Just wait until he gets a
little  older and learns what those words
all mean.  I'm surprised YOU do.

The  rangers  have a new one for us, too,
and I could have done without this one...
Evidently,  a  herd  of  deer has somehow
decided  to use a particular  section  of
the  forest as their personal toilet.  He
has never  seen  so much deer crap in his
career,  and  he hopes he never sees that
much again.  Or steps in it.

Mr. Fry, I hope so too, and please let me
know  how  my  bribe of movie tickets for
you and  your  wife work out, for telling
me which valley to avoid.

February 27, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have  been
informed  that  Rocco would never consent
to  the  degree of  cleanliness and  non-
smoking which would be required to cohab-
itate with November.

Crushing our dreams of romance in the bud
seems  to  be  a theme, lately, but don't
you  worry, readers.  Sit  at  Crossroads
Cafe long  enough  and you'll see exactly
what I mean.

Speaking  of  the  cafe, Elmer, if I were
you, I'd give up on the giant bouquets of
roses and  go  for  something subtler.  A
nice necklace, or a bracelet... Why, I've
heard rumours of a new jeweler setting up
shop  down  in  the  city at the farmer's
market.  She doesn't have much stock, but
she  says  she's made it all herself, and
my sources  claim  the  gems  look  real,
engraved silver, filigree pendants, semi-
precious stones and all.

We're  getting  closer  to March, and the
time of  green  beer  approaches. I got a
sneak  peek  at  the vats  over at I Feel
Hoppy this week, and the brewery is kick-
ing into gear, big-time.  

What do you  think?   What's  your  ideal
green  in  beer?   If  I'm  going  to  be 
drinking  dye, I'd want to go all the way
in, but on the other  hand, if  they  can
use natural ingredients  to achieve simi-
lar    coloration   without   sacrificing
flavor,  which  they claim they are going
to do, why not?


March 05, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have  a
new brawl under our collective belts! I'm
pleased to say that, while patrons of the
library were  disturbed by the noise out-
side,  the  two sisters  involved,  Merle
Dalton and Sophia Caruso,  were courteous
enough to keep the fight to words instead
of blows.  Why,  I  even heard bits of it
myself, through my little  office window,
incoherent though it was.  From what I've
gathered, folks say it was ultimately one
of  the employees  at Crossroads Cafe who
came out and broke it up.  Those are some
tough women.  I'm not surprised.

Speaking of Crossroads Cafe...

A  tall,  long-haired  eccentric  whom my
sources call Ishmael had a bit of a glit-
ter problem there.  To  be more specific,
he  blew  glitter all  over  that  lovely
young   lady,   Saga,  during  breakfast.
Frankly,  I'm surprised he was let inside
the building in the first place. Isn't it
supposed  to  be  "No shirt, no SHOES, no
service"?

I've heard  a few comments from the staff
over at Sweet Treats, too, about a man of
similar  description  loitering there for
an entire day.  If  he'd been doing some-
thing  useful, they said,  they  wouldn't
have cared as much about his bare minimum
purchases and cheapo ways, but reading a
book with no text in it?  Really?

As bizarre as this town can be, I have no
doubt he'll fit in just fine.

Last but not least, that freak hail storm
yesterday  spooked part of  the Fry dairy
herd, and I'm told they'll be looking for
some construction  workers  in  the  near
future,  to  replace the fencing scaredy-
cows broke through...

No one was hurt, and the ladies were re-
covered safely.  They're in another field
for now,  but don't you worry.  I've been
assured that they'll  be  back  home in a
jiffy.