Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2018
Year 2018 - Archive of Tamarack Times Gossip Column
January 4 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is mak-
ing up for lost time, isn't he? I heard
a little birdy say that one of the two
female employees at Homepage marched on
into the store to start her shift,
hustled all the post-lunch shoppers out,
and flipped the sign to 'Closed' for a
'private' 'conversation' with Kip.
Now, lest your thoughts travel down the
same paths mine did, let me assure you
that it does, indeed, get better than
that.
Cerise, for it was she who accosted our
darling Kip, is said to have spent quite
a while having a rather 'intense' dis-
cussion with the store owner. Is it a
coincidence that witnesses say he was
spotted putting his shirt back on after
the Incident?
Now, Sally-Mae says he even tried to hug
her afterward.
Mina, dear, we all thought you and Kip
were so happy. Is there trouble in
Slutcracker paradise?
Did he use the whip in the wrong place?
At least the skiers are happy. We've got
a good 48" of powder on those slopes,
and more snow to come. Careful not to
introduce your noggin to cow fences,
folks. Wind's been blowing hard, and
they're as white as anything. Cross-
country's not as safe as it could be...
Last but not least, we've got some
mysterious geese on the loose. Anyone
lose a goose?
Or seven?
I'm told the flock has been chasing kids
off of sidewalks into snowbanks, and
stealing mittens, though what use a
goose has for a mitten is beyond me.
January 11 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we had yet
another day of Homepage Books showing a
great big CLOSED sign to the world.
Kip, darling, I know the attention is a
lot. We only want to love you. Or we
want to delight ourselves with a honking
big dose of schadenfreude and be glad we
aren't the ones with multiple girlfriend
collisions in the hallway.
How DO you manage those, anyway? Doesn't
seem to be working out for you too well.
Speaking of not working out well, what
else doesn't work? Ice skating on snow.
Katie, let us know when that broken
ankle heals. I'll get the editor to
take you out for an ice cream and tell
you all about his own.
The slopes of Mount Salvation have been
pretty busy lately, and not for their
value as a place to play on snow. Folks
say, and I can attest myself, that there
have been odd prints and circles, and
sometimes lights at night, dancing.
Have we got ourselves a new coven of
witches, or is snow circling the latest
version of crop circling? Maybe the
aliens have gone native Vermonter. If
so, I've got some Cabot cheese and Ben
& Jerry's with their names on it.
Assuming, that is, that they have names.
Gossip columnist starts interstellar war
by making erroneous assumptions. See the
full report at seven!
January 18 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
that Daniel Dross lost his marbles over
at The Seventh House. Word is, he asked
some poor crippled young woman over for
breakfast, gentlemanly-like, only to
take a drawing she did, storm around the
cafe, shred the thing and throw it in
the fire.
Now, shame on him, but what I want to
know is this: what was on that drawing?
Linda, if it was anything like yours, I
retract that statement. No one should
have to see that.
Sources say he dragged her right out of
the shop, didn't even let her finish
her tea, or her bread and honey. Tsk.
You know, she bore a striking
resemblance to a certain family of
Millers 'round about these parts...
Continuing this week's theme of ladies
with bad luck, my sources tell me one of
the restaurants down in the Singers'
Circle is being investigated, just in
case, for food and safety concerns after
a blind date gone wrong. Witnesses say
the guy was looking bored, when the girl
suddenly went insane, claiming she could
see bugs in her food, all over her skin,
and skedaddled.
Kids, this is why you don't do drugs
before you date.
Third in our trifecta of female disaster
flicks, I hear our instagram princess
Franky Garreau may be on the outs with
Kip's latest love interest. Cerise,
Cerise, are you moving in on Franky's
man? Really, C. B. Alexander shouldn't
be your kind of 'hot' -- not unless you
like napalm.
Men, watch out. Next week it could be
you.
January 25 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
bologna on the loose.
Yes, you read that correctly: a bologna.
Three folks have come up to me to ask if
I've heard about it, and one of them was
pretty certain the stink was coming from
the town hall...
But enough about that.
Let's hear some juicy news. Amanda Bale
and Erzsebet Angle have been steaming up
the dance floor down at the high school,
and hoo boy, those girls can tango. Who
says you need a man, right ladies? Come
chat some time. I know some folks who
run the local competitions.
Also, in spite of injuries to the
contrary, I spied with my little black
eye a certain Mayor hobbling around on
the mill pond. What's the problem,
Jack? Even I can skate better than that.
You getting too old for fun?
On that note, I dare anyone and everyone
to send in pictures of the stupidest
things they can think of doing while ice
skating. I'll Shanghai the editor into
giving me more space so I can post the
best of them next week!
February 1 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
vigilante in our midst. I can't honestly
say I wouldn't feel excited if I got my
own superhero nickname, so kudos to you,
Blackout, whoever you are.
Just don't go all One Punch Man on my
nephew Jadis. He likes to dress like a
punk, but he's got the soul of a cherry-
pink marshmallow.
Yes, dear. I love you too. Suffer.
Speaking of suffering, I heard tell that
our very own Kip was spotted on one of
the bridges down in Fort Brunsett, stark
naked and covered in stripper glitter.
Kip, I can't say I blame you. If I ever
caught a case of glitteritis as bad as
that one, I'd be tempted to jump off a
bridge's railing, too.
The Tam seems to be getting more popular
lately, or maybe folks are just stir
crazy after all that snow. Or crazy, in
general. Franklyn, I've gotta say, I'm
disappointed. You're a good girl, but
if you keep this up, you're going to end
up in the loony bin or six feet under.
Walking around the city in your PJs is
one thing. Even Adam Wilkinson has done
that one, hasn't he, Adam?
Whatever guy you're crying about, come
sniffle on the West bank, girl. You
should know better. Also, get a jacket!
Last but not least, it sounds like we've
got ourselves a new brawler in town. Old
Janni Kristoffsen said some girl named
Merle got into one rip-roaring fight at
the bar over a pack of cigarettes she
may or may not have acquired with his
permission.
What I wonder is this: if we put Mystery
Merle in a pit with C.B. Alexander, who
would be the last one standing?
February 8 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
whole lot of pink, and enough roses to
sink a boat. Or a float.
Kids, go gentle on the Valentine's float
in the parade this year. While I can't,
as a reasonable adult, condone sticking
fireworks under its chassis, the symbol-
ism of love going up in flames and then
setting the church on fire was a little
too close to the mark for a few ladies
last year, which did drive up subscrip-
tions to the paper and my column...
Maybe stick to uncomfortable red oozing.
No? Okay, how about wearing sheets and
putting on a Christmas Story parody with
the ghost of loves past? I know Harriet
isn't used to sneaking around under a
sheet in daylight, but I'm sure she
could make an exception to teach you a
few tricks.
In other news, Fort Brunsett has had yet
another series of violent crimes. Can't
say as I blame them. I get violent when
my car door freezes shut after an entire
day of freezing rain, myself.
I do not, however, then explode my car.
Yours truly hasn't gotten all of the
details on this one, but my sources did
say the driver was a criminal, and that
he was yelling about hung men and
midgets and rods that could shoot six
blocks. Somehow, as excellent as that
image is, I don't think that is quite
what happened.
Last but not least, the Last Chance
diner down in the junkyard had its own
dust-up. I'm told a gang of feisty
ne'er-do-wells got a face full of bacon
after interrupting Johnny Drexel at his
breakfast with a pretty girl. Gentleman
that he was, I'm told he even played
white knight to her when the rest of the
gang tried to beat them up when they
left the diner, aided by the Samaritan
Scooby Gang.
Thugs and assorted criminals, if you're
going to pick on a guy, pick on Drexel.
I want to see how many times I can tell
the same story before my editor
strangles me for it.
February 15 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the parade
went off without a hitch. Or, rather,
without a torch. There was a lot of red
and pink confetti, and Mrs. Herringworth
may or may not have lost her dentures on
a lollipop, but the vampire fangs may or
may not have made it all worth it.
Seriously. Fangs.
Linda, you win at life. Then again, you
have had about twice as many years to
get better at it...
I hear tell a certain pair of teenagers
was trying to get better at something I
can't put in print, too. Kids, maybe
next time you should turn the car lights
off before you start making it bounce
around.
You know what else was bouncing?
Men. Three of them, and they were the
only ones to volunteer down at The Plank
on Amateur Night. That big boxer King
was down there, too, though I'm told he
wouldn't dance. Scoping out the compe-
tition, perhaps? His new establishment
does seem to lack a certain grit. That
could just be memories of my shoes get-
ting stuck to the floor by old glitter
and grog, however...
My sources also claim our favorite cop
crisper C.B. Alexander was there with
none other than Franklyn Garreau, and a
cutey no one could quite get the name
of, too. On Valentine's Day? I smell
a threesome in the air! Tell us, Mr.
Alexander, how do your cockles grow?
Pretty maids all in a row?
February 22 2018
Enid was kidnapped!!
March 1 2018
Enid is still missing!! Oh wait, she got away!
March 8 2018
Enid is home! Yay! She is recovering, though, and couldn't collect enough gossip before her deadline.
March 15 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a
lot of gossip to catch up on! Here we go
now...
In older news, I owe Emmett Anderson a
great big thank you for egging my house
and getting punished for it. Thanks to
his mom, too, for punishing him!
Anyone else feel like weeding my flower
garden? I can sit inside and pretend to
get kidnapped again. Maybe a tropical
island this time; that would be an
improvement.
I'm told I missed the bombing of that
poor old bowling alley down in Fort
Brunsett, too. Can't say as I blame the
bombers, though. That place sold food I
never once didn't regret eating. Quick,
set up a petition -- better food for
better bowlers!
As much as we would all love to hear
that THE Mr. Alexander was responsible,
I'm afraid police have already confirmed
he wasn't on the premises. I did hear a
juicy tidbit about a drunken visit to
the hospital room of one Cerise Hodgson,
however, with a delectably pathetic
bouquet and a ward-load of yelling. Do
we have a new romance on the offing? One
that involves hospital security right
from the start can't possibly go wrong.
Speaking of bouquets...
Our favorite Kip has been seen buying
more than one handful of flowers lately,
and rumor has it, none of them have been
for Mina Grey!
Has the slutcracker ballerina lost her
leghold on his heart?
Is it true that they have ALL been for
one of his employees? Kip, do let us
know, there's a dear. Mandy needs the
laugh. A little birdy tells me she tried
climbing in HER employee's back window,
fell, and had to be rescued from the
town's worst window-wedgie in decades...
March 22 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, little John
Horner learned the hard way that, when
mama says to stop, you stop.
Don't worry. The ice broke his fall. And
his elbow. Condolences and Gibb slaps
may be directed to Mulberry Lane.
Speaking of self-injury, I just happened
to overhear a few police officers the
other day talking about Electric City
blowing up with some freak power surge.
My source wasn't as open as I would have
liked, so it could have been a Jane, Jan
or maybe even James. As your gossip
specialist, I fail you today. If you
know who got themselves maimed, share!
Inquiring minds want schadenfreude!
Now, Mayor Jack hasn't been in the paper
enough lately, in my opinion, so let's
share a wee tidbit of Spring silliness,
shall we? We all know he's a handsome
devil, and we all know he's an all too
sober one; trust me, the number of times
I've tried to get that man to drink...
Just the other day, Mandy Morrison says
she saw the Mayor out behind her house,
wearing red boxers with white hearts all
over, chasing down what she swore was a
little kid all dressed up like an elf.
Pretty thorough mask, too. They went
around the corner pretty quick, but I
now have it on excellent authority that
our Mayor has one spectacular ass.
Kip, however, has been concealing his.
Don't you know that no matter how many
girls you run through, trying to beat
the town's speed-dumping records, you
will always have our love? I know for
a fact that Sally Quinn has a mind to
share her muffins with you any time you
like. Of course, her boyfriend seemed
to disagree with the idea...
March 29 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the town's
favorite Kip Kensington is back in the
spotlight, and hoo boy, it's a doozy.
Miss Ethel says there she was, buying a
nice book for her little nephew over at
Homepage Books, when out of nowhere,
there he was, asking a female employee
if he was hot.
Just wait. It gets better.
THEN, he said something about getting a
raincoat to go meet another girl. A
girl who was not Mina, it must be noted.
Who IS this mystery woman on the phone?
Even better, reliable sources tell me
that Kip was overheard having a chat
with Copfire Alexander himself. Not just
a chat, no, but some rather pointed
questions about C.B.'s interest in Mina
Grey. Will this love triangle ever end?
Kip, our rabid readers are dying to know
the truth. When you talked with C.B.
about rings, was that for you or for one
of your harem? I'm told Cerise's name
came up, which could explain why you
were asking her if you were hot...
On the subject of lovely ladies, I have
it on good authority that local story-
teller and hair-dye enthusiast November
was seen down at Aspire by the hockey
rink with a rather talented young woman.
Talented in more than one way, it seems.
You go, girl. Turning a time-out box
into a kissing booth has the Enid stamp
of approval!
What doesn't have my approval?
Letting dogs take a dump on public land
and not cleaning it up. If anyone sees
the owner of a dog with a particularly
large rectum down by the Miller gardens,
do let me know, so I can thank them
for their contribution to the public
health and safety codes.
April 5, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told I
started rumors all on my lonesome, which
is an entertainment, I assure you. Yes,
I did indeed have clumps of extremely
handsome young gentlemen coming by my
office to give me gifts. Ladies, too.
Thank you, one and all, for your kind
words and wishes. Mr. Alexander, thank
you, too, for the effort you put into
telling the world I'm an abomination.
I respect your opinions. Mine differ.
Speaking of different, if you haven't
gone by the farm by the Fry fields, I
recommend a trip out west of town. The
Rackhams chalked each and every one of
their sheep in Easter egg stripes and
spots. I have been assured that all of
the chalk sprays used are biodegradable
and not harmful to the animals.
Belated Easter themes are the way to go,
it seems. I hear tell the mighty magic-
ians Haruki and Itsuki ran an Easter
event for kids with themed magic tricks,
an egg hunt and real rabbits. As a
gardener, I've gotta say, petting a
bunny isn't my current desire...
I know someone who does desire petting,
however. Tommy, next time you steal
your papa's liquor, leave the cell phone
at home. Drunk texting me, of all
people, is just asking for trouble. You
also owe me $5 for the bet you made that
I wouldn't print it.
April 12, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a long-term
reader is determined to flood me with
rabbits.
Haruki, kid, you're a magician. Use your
magic to keep the gosh darned bunnies
out of my tulips, and I won't need to be
upset with them. They have a clover
patch and plenty of greens out in the
woods.
The deer have returned, too, as Delilah
learned the other night on Main Street.
Del, you let us know if the kids need a
ride anywhere. Let me know when you're
finally going to up that prescription on
your glasses, too, because your radiator
has the holes to prove that buck wasn't
a bush...
Speaking of friends in need, I hear tell
our favorite Kip managed to find some
booze down in Fort Brunsett this past
week. Who knew Cat-22 had a bar upstairs
and, more to the point, who knew Kip
actually drank in public?
Maybe he shouldn't have.
I'm told his 'not-nerdy girl' without
glasses and his lovely Mina had to drag
him, mumbling, down the stairs.
I'm also told he was talking to an
imaginary friend named Andrew over at
Homepage. Everything okay with you,
Kip? We adore you, and I can guarantee
Missy Miller would share some of her
famous peach pie if you were poorly. She
told me just the other day how much she
loves reading about you in the paper,
didn't she, Missy?
The fanfic shipping of you and C.B. is
still the best. Bernadette Peters has
sent in three comics of you two, and
I'm told I am supposed to tell her mama
that she expects to be called B.P. now
in C.B.'s image, and plans on setting
fire to any broccoli which finds its way
onto her plate at night.
B.P., you are an inspiration to us all.
April 19, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I remain a
victim of rabbit flooding. Kid, I live
surrounded by fields, and trees. If they
aren't getting enough grass, that's not
my fault.
What IS my fault is the delectable snack
tray at the newspaper headquarters this
week. I shamelessly self-advertise my
cooking, and invite everyone to mail in
any and all advice to make it better.
Mayor Jack, I already have yours. No, I
will not stop baking.
While I won't stop baking, you all won't
stop loving, for which I'm thankful.
Please, keep loving each other, and keep
having disasters like that incident down
at the mall last week. Bandies, if you
read this, correct me. A group called
'Red Lost Dead Lost' was performing in
the food court, and ended up finishing
with a Springer-worthy love triangle, a
failed proposal and an outing, all at
once. Come to think of it, our local
magician was there, too...
Haruki, are you getting into the match-
making business?
Speaking of matches, I haven't heard any
news about our darling Kip, ladies, so
don't you worry. If he falls over and
dies, I'm sure we'll all hear about it.
The cops are asking folks to stop lining
up outside Homepage, however, and I am
going to say this only once: I am not
giving anyone either Kip's or Mr. C.B.
Alexander's personal addresses, phone
numbers or any other information. Please
stop asking!
Let's start thinking about frozen bread,
instead. Who do you think the winner's
going to be? Give me your ideas! What
themes do you think the Spring Fling is
going to end up stuck with? Can't be
worse than that Spongebob Squarepants
debacle three years back...
April 30, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a certain
newspaper owner has learned a valuable
lesson: don't tick off the high schooler
who was hired to bring half-decent
coffee.
The high schooler has learned, in turn,
that watching where she stomps may be
a good idea when carrying an armful of
paper cups full of steaming hot java.
The electrician who was updating our
circuit breaker has, in turn, learned
just how long it takes to clean out the
electrical conduits and fix shorted
wires...
Long story short, sorry for the late
publication, folks.
Also, sorry, Hank. How was I supposed
to know the dye on the bandage would
bleed? Better you than me, though. I
don't look great in pink hearts.
Following up on our apparent rabbit
theme, lately, I'm told Haruki was seen
running about down in Fort Brunsett's
riverside park on spring stilts, dressed
up as a rabbit and making origami, you
guessed it, more rabbits, for children.
Kid, try a cat or something. Be a super
hero. No way is DC Comics going to make
a movie for Rabbitman.
Speaking of heroes, I hear Jack Fry has
made a name for himself as an otter
whisperer. I've been sent at least four
YouTube links to videos and commentary
on the incident, and on his heckler.
Your park rangers in action, folks.
Kudos, Jack.
P.S. The otter's cuter.
May 3, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
bit of fun about local contractor and
amateur fisher Leon Huskey. See, he went
on down to the fishing spot by South-
bridge, and as I hear it, HE says he
tripped over some sort of pothole in the
dirt. Caught himself a good crack on
the jaw for it, too, but no one else has
seen so much as a whisker of a pothole
there. Leon, if it makes me kiss dirt
as well as you did, I don't even want to
know what you were drinking.
Speaking of the river, May first has
come and gone, and that means those zany
Lefevres were prancing around doing as
pagans do to celebrate Beltane. I hear
tell our old Hollywood Hopeful, Cam, was
seen giving his sister's roomie cow-eyes
while singing a love song on his guitar.
Is romance in the air? Time will tell!
If Cerise's bruises are C.B.'s form of
romance, however, I don't want them.
Now, I, for one, don't think the guy
did it, but I've heard plenty of voices
wondering whether Cerise could really
get THAT many bruises just from slipping
on a couple of rocks under a stream.
Cerise, do tell. Were you doing a tango
out there somewhere? I hear Kip's pretty
terrible at dancing, so I wouldn't put
it past the guy to end up giving you an
elbow to the eye...
May 10, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have only
good to say.
Promise.
It's the talk of the town that Jack Fry
may be even more of a stand-up guy, if
you know what I mean. Why, Trudy at the
general store was saying just the other
day that when he was out shopping, she
overheard a twenty-something girl call
him her daddy, and wasn't she just the
spitting image of the late Mrs. Fry...
Welcome to town, kid. Go do something
inadvisable and fun.
Speaking of "inadvisable and fun" things
to be doing, I hear tell a trucker on
his way through may have had a bit too
much to drink. Either that, or he's a
fibber. Now, I got this from a few
different sources, but as best I can
piece it together, the man was trans-
porting crates of food. When he got
out and started unpacking it all, he
found two cans had been opened and eaten
up, turned into "mice" with some craft
paper and glue.
Just wait. It gets even better.
See, along with the "mice" left there,
some-mouse left copious quantities of
glitter, complete with teensy tiny foot
prints all over the back of the truck.
Another driver, heading to town last
Tuesday night, saw two sparkling kids
laughing their fool heads off jumping
out of a truck at a stop light, but
when he went back to check it out, all
he found was a splash of glitter on the
road.
Kids, needless to say, it's not a smart
idea to hitch-hike and it's not a legal
idea to hitch-hike and steal a company's
property, even if it tastes fantastic,
though canned food tasting fantastic is
a speculation I'll save for a column
where I'm allowing myself to say things
which aren't good.
Last but not least, what's this about
Miss Mina wearing a particular ring on
her finger? Do tell! That's the kind
glitter we all WANT to see.
May 17, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a
LOT to get through. You folks are great!
First, I heard a little birdy down at
the Seventh House Cafe saying that the
owner, Avalon, is planning on hosting
some sort of fair in the near future.
As long as the White Witch of the North
here has some good black tea, I'm in.
Now, I'm doubtful on this one, but I'm
morally obligated to defend your goats
and virgins: watch out for so-called
Satanists on July 27th. I hear they're
setting up for some big event down by
the river.
Events are the way to go, it seems,
because the gold-flinging Logan Brenner
is up to it again. I haven't been able
to get details, so you'll have to stay
tuned for those, but it sounds like he's
planning a big lakeside barbecue down in
Fort Brunsett for charity. Anyone
feeling hungry?
If you're feeling hungry for abuse, our
favorite curmudgeon Ryan Dunnage seems
to have a new favorite topic. Ryan,
what's up with Thompson Meadows? If you
want romantic advice, I bet that cute
Japanese magician can help you win him
over... haven't seen Meadows in weeks,
so whatever you're doing, I don't think
it's working. Come to think of it, I
haven't seen Roberto Alvarez around,
either. What do you think, folks? He and
Meadows gone off to get hitched?
Seems there's been a rash of Christmas
capers around town, too. I've had four
people say they got a Christmas card and
started having weird stuff happen. Where
are the Ghostbusters when you need them?
For that matter, where's a Boba Fett?
Get this. Mr. Oswald Addington, one of
the Councilmen down in Fort Brunsett,
actually has a bounty out on the ballsy
artist who painted a three-headed cat on
his town car. $150 for a lead, $300 for
the culprit. Anyone got a good speeder?
Last but not least, does Kip have a new
admirer? A certain Megan Sato has been
seen in and out of Homepage, and hoo boy
has she been loud. If not Kip, I know a
certain employee who's not a bad looker
at all... Something going on that you
want to tell us, Cerise?
May 24, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get the
joy of knowing that Amanda Rachne's food
will be gracing someone else's tables. I
hope her new husband has a strong
stomach! That said, Mandy, we'll all
miss your basket-weaving. Send us a note
from Colorado, and stop by the office
before you go. We'll keep in touch!
I hear tell some specifically unnamed
magicians would like to start up debate
about which one of them is cuter than
the other. See Haruki and Itsuki for
details, though given that I'm told bad
things happen to the places they plan
to perform, maybe you should wait until
after they open up their magical museum.
While I don't know of any fires being
set in anybody's hearts this past week,
I'm sure glad the real thing is done and
gone. We here at the Times would like to
give a great big thank you to all of the
volunteers and responders who helped out
with taming the wildfires this past week
out in the west valley.
I do know that a certain teenaged some-
one came by to leave Mr. Arnold a love
note, however...
Sorry to say, kid but I don't think you
really have a chance. He's a one-woman
cat, and Missy Potts is his woman.
May 31, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, let's all
take a minute to get sappy here, and
think about gratitude. I, for one, am
very grateful that we have so many good
men and women here in town willing to be
volunteers out west. The town is a
little emptier, a little quieter,
without you all, but with luck and good
hard work, they'll track down that
bomber and give them what they deserve.
Done being sappy? Good. Now for some
gossip.
Now, anyone with eyes knows that Cerise
Hodgson is around our favorite Alexander
on a regular basis. Gotta wonder whether
he's starting to rub off on her, though.
I've heard from multiple sources that
she's been spotted wandering around the
city in various states of drunkenness
lately. Cerise, if it's man troubles,
I'm useless, but I do know the name of
a good couples therapist...
Speaking of women with problems, while I
commend your dedication to your health,
Franklyn, there are safer places for you
to walk than down the riverbank at night
around here, and you of all people
should know better.
Folks have been busy this week, so stay
with me, here, readers. Gossip, speed-
run style!
I'm told there has been a gaggle of gun-
shots down by Snake Creek. Whoever's out
there, find a shooting range, would you?
The noise is getting old for residents.
Remember Thompson Meadows? Apparently,
one of the Utridge bachelors was picked
up by a blonde seen going in and out of
Meadows' home.
Mr. Meadows himself seems to have found
a pot of luck, however. Word is his new
prosthetics are the work of some young
savant called Widget. Could be worse. I
knew a guy called Dick N. Bhallis once.
The Frys are having fun with the prep
for the Pink Cow Run, meanwhile, though
I'm not sure how the Trojan Cow is going
to come into the action... I've made my
obligatory inappropriate joke for the
day, so you can go ahead and imagine a
whopper about wooden bovines yourself.
I'm told the lights went out down by the
Riverside markets last Tuesday. Darker
than the inside of a cat, not that I
have any personal experience with the
inside of felines.
I don't have a lot of experience with
fossils, either, but get this: someone
found some great big honking bones from
pleistocene beluga whales, of all
things, and a fully intact mammoth
skeleton. Gotta say, my bet's on hoax.
Anyone who knows about it, you let us
all know; inquiring minds, and all that.
Speaking of animals, the artist with the
three-headed cat has competition. I'm
told a number of strange symbols have
been cropping up all over town on cars,
buildings, even pets. I've known a few
perfectly reasonable Satanists in my
time, but this is a bit strange, even
for them. I don't know if I believe
the rumors that they're behind it all.
Last but not least, Melinda Bates says
she's seen a strange man in an orange
suit stumbling around town at night, but
she couldn't understand what he was
saying. Whatever it was, he sure liked
yelling it.
June 7, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it sounds
like we have a lost Alexander wandering
around town. No one got a name, but if
you're reading this, kiddo, check out
the Stone & Crown Shipping down in FB. I
would advise learning some Spanish, too,
while you're at it. Lolo's swearing is
something to be admired.
Franklyn's decisions, however, are less
admirable.
We have people in three camps: camp #1
thinks she was down there setting off a
few harmless fireworks. Camp #2 says
she's been dating C.B. too long and set
a few small fires for kicks and giggles
and the pure cussed joy of it. Camp #3
is my personal favorite: her pet
hamster died a noble death, and she was
there to give it a Viking funeral upon
the water.
Speaking of water, the Pink Cow Run went
off swimmingly -- literally, in some
cases.
I'm told Avalon Lefevre dunked Jimmy Fry
into the water tank with one throw, that
cutey Maggie Locklear pinking him up
right afterward. The ladies pinked up
more than Jimmy, too, from all I hear.
Albert, you may have some competition
for good arms... Maybe you should take a
few pitching lessons from them. I don't
know about you, but breaking your mama's
kitchen window, twice, in one week, is
something I'd want to learn how to stop.
Speaking of Frys, I hear tell that Jack
fellow has a mighty fine chest, but
don't get your hopes up, ladies; Gladys
was out walking those mops she calls
dogs bright and early, and spotted him
at Dr. Gallagher's cabin. Now, THAT is
a form of anthropology I wouldn't mind
studying...
I hear Kip was doing a bit of 'studying'
himself recently with that Zillah from
the shop next door. Despite claims to
the contrary, I've met the guy, and it's
my not inconsiderable opinion that he's
way too much of a marshmallow to hurt
his darling Mina.
Then again, if they broke up...
Inquiring minds want to know, Kip. How's
your love life? Still in love?
June 14, 2018
Enid Schmitt is not having a good year. She was in the hospital this past week after someone tried to kidnap her.
Elsewhere in the paper, it is explained that the assailants are unknown, but they were wearing dark suits, and police are investigating the incident.
June 21, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, for those
of you who missed me last week, I've
gotta say, this getting kidnapped thing
is seriously getting old.
Folks, I am a newspaper gossip
columnist, not an evil minion out to
destroy the world of humankind. If you
think I have money worth taking, you
should talk to my boss.
No, the police don't know who it was
yet. Yes, they're working on it. Yes,
I'm mightily peeved, and don't come in
wearing a black suit and shiny black
shoes any time soon, or I may mace you.
The knock-out gas tie-pin was an
unexpected touch, and very James Bond of
them. I'd rather get stepped on by a
cow again, all things considered.
Enough with that! On to the fun stuff.
I hear Ben Utridge is going back to his
old playboy ways down there at the Red
Clover Hotel. Clandestine engagements
with people my source says were hotties,
and last week he was even sporting a
great big hickey, too.
I wouldn't mind a hickey from something
other than a facemask at the hospital.
Any volunteers?
June 28, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get to
explore the wide, wild world of Haruki's
underwear choices.
Somehow, I believe he had help with this
particular escapade, but I've had half a
dozen reports from ladies all over town
that if even a quarter of those garments
are actually his, they'd like to have a
nice, very private, chat with him about
his brand choices. And advice.
On the subject of a different sort of
fireworks, we're coming up on the Fourth
of July here, folks, and the parade this
weekend is expected to bring in a lot of
out-of-towners. Who wouldn't want to
dunk a Mayor into a vat of strawberry,
clear and blue raspberry Jell-O cubes?
Sorry, Jack. Count me in. Dolores has
had my $5 for two weeks now.
Anyone of a mind for fireworks can find
a nice perch by the cliff to watch Fort
Brunsett's display out on the lake. Our
own is a little dinky in comparison, but
we're a dinky little town. The Miller
boys have done us proud this past month,
getting all the roads smoothed out, so
kudos to them.
There's just something about a man
without a shirt handling heavy machinery
to get your engine revving... Louise
MacFarlan wouldn't know anything about
that, now, would she? Cute skirt, Lou.
Maybe next time keep it on a little bit
longer. Granny Miller's going to have a
heart attack before the wedding at this
rate.
Congratulations, by the way.
July 5, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it is with
great pleasure that I heard a little
birdy say Kip's not done with his wild
and questionably romantic shenanigans
just yet, engagement or no. Someone saw
Mina running out of the back room in
teensy tiny shorts (great gams, girl)
and a tiny tank top which looked slept
in.
Kip, I've got to ask: did she doggy-ear
a page in bed? Is that why you kicked
her out? Ladies around town are saying
you've taken this foxy ladies' man aura
to heart, but I know better than to
trust that adorkably bumbling facade.
Your secret admirer, however, really
should get a new hobby. Why, Mary Page,
poor dear, just bought a book on crochet
at Homepage, and now she's cleaning off
all forty-seven copies of Kip's name
from where it was painted on her house.
Laney Boggs, her neighbor, said it was
blood, for sure, but I'd like to know
how she got close enough to check, when
she can't even handle a paper cut with-
out fainting. Really, Laney.
Charles du Bois knows a bit about faints
himself, after yesterday's parade. Now,
I know it's a teacher's job to educate
his students, but a real life lesson on
staying hydrated while marching in hot
wool uniforms was probably not high on
the curriculum's alternate lesson list.
Speaking of inappropriate clothing, I've
had a few reports of a recently-arrived
African fellow dancing his way through
town in a sundress as loud as his
rendition of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
this past week. Prank or lost bet? Meg
from the corner store says his legs were
something to be admired, however...
Also to be admired, and possibly feared,
I'm told some sort of big cat was heard
roaring down along Lake Brunsett this
past Monday. I haven't heard whether the
cat's been found, but I'd be wary of a
nice hike through the woods, myself.
Someone else has been growling, lately,
and it's a matter of some speculation
whether Weaver Utridge jumped the broom
a mite too quickly. Newly wed to Velvet
Danvers, several ladies have mentioned
that the man has been a miserable grouch
the last few days. Trouble in paradise?
Those Utridges aren't having a lot of
luck lately, it seems, because a bit of
digging here and there informed me that
none other than Olivia Utridge herself
held an impromptu concert at the
children's wing of Riverside Hospital
last month, and got pranked by a fire in
the stairwell.
I haven't heard any tales of ravenous
fanboys tearing perpetrators limb from
limb yet over the internet, but I'm sure
the fan rage is just waiting in the
wings.
July 12, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid is on vacation! I'm darn well not writing her column for her. You people know I'll forget half of it and tangle up the rest. Don't know how that woman keeps it straight. Mind like a gosh darned steel trap bred with Spiderman.
The Editor
July 19, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I return
from a much-deserved vacation to sandy,
sunny beaches and am back to bring only
the very best gossip to you, my rabid
readers.
Firstly, I've got two little birdies
saying miss Franklyn Garreau won the top
prize at the kite flying competition,
beating out that incredibly enthusiastic
youngster. Wedgie's the name I was given
and I sincerely doubt that is an
accurate report, so miss Wedgie, please
do let us know. Also, take a bath.
Cleanliness is next to godliness, as my
sainted mother used to say.
I'm told a local got bitten by, and I'm
not kidding here, this is what is on the
list: a rabid raccoon, a dog, a blue
otter, a flying rat, or a lemur of all
things. Serves him right, trying to
steal from stalls as he was. Also, I've
got to find out what those reporters
were smoking, because they sound like
they're as high as Ms. Garreau has to
be, walking into rivers and dark woods
at all hours. Again.
Illegal fireworks are safer, kid. Go
back to your kites and leave the river
to the river.
Speaking of issues, we have some rather
nasty rumours about Ms. Olivia Utridge
floating around, but nothing's been
substantiated. Glad to hear she's been
found, though. We darn well have enough
lost around here for my tastes already.
I sure wouldn't mind a good rabbit stew,
however, and don't you get started on
me for liking meat, Haruki. Being a
carnivore's no sin. Supposedly, a great
big fluffle of rabbits was seen running
around like some weird flock of birds
down near the lake in Fort Brunsett, but
I've gotta say, the alpaca farm takes my
personal cake. The eyes. How can you
not melt?
Haven't heard the person's name, but I'm
told the 'pacas are all named after some
kind of dinosaur.
Benny and Hal say they've been spotting
odd little things carved around town,
speaking of weird. I've seen a few my-
self, and I don't know.. . The one I saw
looked a little like some sort of wing-
less dragon. This the latest D&D craze
going through nerddom?
Not so sure about Jimmy Pepper and his
pigs, though. Jimmy runs Sweet Hog Farms
and let me tell you, his pigs are every-
thing he says they are.
In this case, slaughtered, and not by
him... As I'm told it, he woke up in
the morning and went out to get the feed
going, and found their throats slit and
blood drained. Now, this being where we
are, I do have a calendar which mentions
a blood moon... Still, you'd think the
witches would at least leave cash to pay
for the lost pigs.
Last but not least, I've had a source
share some photos with me, and Kip, she
is a beauty. A little rough around the
edges, but darn, boy, for someone so
Kippish, you sure do make a lot of lady
friends. Who's the mystery red-head,
too? Short and stacked, that's for
sure. These relatives of your Mina? If
so, can you convince them to move here?
Your admirer's gone to work again, so
you'd better work fast. What do you know
about a broad named Jessica? The way I'm
told it, 'Kip' has been painted several
times along the Samsson building in the
same bright crimson as before, along
with a great honking heart in the middle
saying 'Kip x Jessica!!!' in it. If I
were you, I'd sic the fiancee on her. I
sure wouldn't want to get on Mina's bad
side. You know how strong those ballet
exercises make those legs?
July 26, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid's colleagues would like to say what a splendid woman she is. They also have no intention of writing her column for her while she is out sick.
Here. Have a picture of a kitten with a baby bunny.
The Writers
August 2, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid's colleagues have discovered a secret stash of actual coffee hidden in Enid's technically unlocked and colleague-accessible file cabinet behind the old floppy disks and CDs.
Thank you, Enid, for your generous contribution to office happiness.
The Writers
August 9, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid's colleagues would like you all to know that she is back from the hospital and recovering Enidly. The nurses and doctors may never be the same.
Neither will her colleagues' stomachs. How does she EAT all of that cinnamon?
The Writers
August 16, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid's colleagues have pooled their resources and replaced the pilfered coffee and bonbons with more appropriate substitutes. They are sure Enid will appreciate their efforts at supporting her habits.
Everyone has addictions, Enid. Cinnamon is yours. We'll help you manage it. Just give us the chocolate part of the bonbon and you keep the middle.
The Writers
August 23, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I return
again, albeit not from sandy beaches. I
don't suggest surgery as an alternative
to sunshine and cute boys in tiny suits,
folks.
On the bright side, a liquid diet does
wonders for the waistline. Pity bikini
season's almost over.
Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I am immensely dis-
appointed that my colleagues couldn't
soldier on without me and get you all of
your delectable gossip fixes on their
lonesome, but that just means I get to
have the fun myself.
Now, this is old news at this point, but
I'm told that someone Kool-Aid manned
their way into the home of Velvet and
Weaver Utridge back at the beginning of
the month, and something something about
possible acquisition of lake monsters.
Is Lake Brunsett trying to compete with
Champlain? What'll we call it? Champ
has a degree of charm to it, but Brun is
a bit too Viking, and Sett sounds like a
puppy or a desert god, depending.
Pity Brun/Sett wasn't around to help the
local authorities clean up the mess made
by one Miss Franklyn Garreau back then,
too. I'm told that someone pulled up
another sculpture instead of a fish just
this week. Franklyn, girl, get help. I
know your family can pay for the litter-
ing fines, but that's no reason to go
dumping all that crud into the river.
Thankfully, not even you can shove a
piano out a window by willpower alone.
In more recent news, I'm told that Tommy
Haffleck just got himself into the big
leagues. I didn't even know there was a
category for the longest paper airplane
flight flung by a waterfall off of a
cliff of two hundred feet or more over a
body of water of 'significant size'...
Kudos, Tommy. Now that you're a record
holder, don't go resting on your laurels
and poop out on us, kid. Put this little
town back on the map. You should probab-
ly graduate high school first, though.
Last but not least for this week, I have
the pleasure of introducing you all to
Erica Miller, our latest staff photo-
grapher. Recently returned from a phase
as a Boston transplant, she is back
where she belongs: in the land of weirdo
hair colors supposed to be unknown to
man or woman. I'll be dye buddies, but
don't expect to see me running with her.
I maintain a strictly horizontal version
of jogging. It's called typing in bed,
preferably with a cinnamon bonbon or two
nearby.
August 30, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all
had time to appreciate the rash of
unseasonably warm weather lately. Guess
I get to bring out that bikini after
all!
A certain polka-dotted someone by the
riverbank should have thought twice
about bringing out HER bikini, however.
See, little teeny strings don't do all
that well when you're jumping off of
bridges like a teenager into a river,
which, you know, is flowing away.
Flowing away with your bikini top AND
bottom, that is. Mildred, you may be
going on seventy-mumble, but you still
have a fine ass, wrinkles and all.
Speaking of fine asses, mine is doing
quite well, thank you, and thank you all
for the gift baskets. I've had to share
the largesse with the rest of the writer
collective and anyone else who wanted
chocolate dipped pineapples on staff,
for which they thank you all as well,
and pray that I fall down a nice long
flight of stairs.
Deity or deities, if you are reading
this, please ignore those knuckleheads.
I've had enough hospital bills to last
a lifetime.
I would like to thank Haruki, Itsuki and
their gang of propaganda-spouting
rabbits especially. If you ever want to
read material about the plight of the
New England cottontail rabbit, I now
have stacks of it, along with my gift
basket.
In less amusing news, I'm sad to say
that Mrs. Mabel Miller, grandmother and
force of nature, has passed away at the
ripe old age of a hundred and two. To
all the Miller family, my condolences.
She was a tough old bird and she will be
missed.
September 06, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we can
kiss goodbye to Summer, ladies and gents
and assorted others. Really, we can. I
do appreciate the lengths, and depths,
to which certain members of our
community are willing to go to cling to
its sunny warmth, however...
Where to begin?
Sally Hanwood seems a good start. If you
haven't been down Mill Road in a while,
you really should take a trip toward
Salvation East. Sally here says she was
stuck in a Beatles rut, and that's why
she planted, and yes, she counted it all
out individually and by hand, a field of
six thousand eight-hundred twenty-seven
sunflowers. Here comes the sun? How
about 'here comes the avian obesity'? If
I were you, I'd get out there fast,
before we get a Hitchcock thriller going
on.
Little miss Miller sitting on the tiller
is our next Summer fling. Literally.
Kira, next time you want to ride a horse
around a field, we recommend wearing
exactly what you did last Tuesday. I
haven't seen Daley Biggs laugh so hard
since he was my nephew's science teacher
and Andrew glued himself to the desk.
He got himself unglued, but his pants
did not.
Yes, he paid for a new desk.
Third and finally, my personal favorite,
Mrs. Nelson has been whipping up a storm
of chocolate lollies at the church, tomb
stone shaped, to celebrate the end of
Summer with a bit of calorie-laden doom.
They're on sale by the graveyard every
day this week.
September 13, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we seem to
have a mysterious squash-slicer in town.
Are zucchinis squashes? Foamy vegetable
substitute for a good steak, but they do
fake it well. In this case, overnight,
we've had a rash of little hanged gourds
(maybe zucchinis are gourds?) dangling
in doorframes, windows, at bus stops, on
bathroom counters and several locations
I had never thought a vegetable of such
an unusual size could dangle.
The Mayor's asking the veggie-dangler to
keep the witchcraft to a minimum until
at least October, but we all know Jack's
a stick in the mud.
Dangle away, oh Zucchini Mangler!
Speaking of mangling things and mystery
appearances, what's up with the fish by
the river, folks? I've heard rumors out
of four separate reliable sources that
they weren't drinking and really did see
fish torn up on the banks, bellies open,
but otherwise uneaten. I'd keep the kids
away from the river, folks, just in case
whatever it is hasn't found what it was
looking for...
Last but not least, the White Witch of
Tamarack Falls has the newspaper's full
support while she recovers from the
Library Incident which occurred on
Friday afternoon. I've been asked by the
library staff to give her a public thank
you for all of her help in identifying
the killer. I've been asked by the
police, however, not to say more than
that, so we'll leave it right there.
September 20, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am glad
to say that there have been no further
fish shenanigans. Fish belong in rivers
or on my dinner plate, breaded and well-
cooked.
Sorry, sushi-lovers. I'll admire your
snacks for the art involved, but nothing
is going to get me eating a raw fish.
Speculation over just who's going to win
the vote for this year's Apple Queen is
everywhere, and hoo boy, the competition
is getting tight.
Mind, the ballots are a secret, so of
course everyone knows who's on them. My
personal favorite is the pet goldfish
named Bob, and the 'Bobby for Apples'
campaign on the street corners...
The lemonade they're selling isn't bad,
either. Made fresh, with little fish-
shaped ice molds, even. Kids these days
get it easy. Back in the dinosaur days
when I was a kid, we had ice in actual
cubes.
My editor says it's my turn to give up a
few column inches, so I'll see you next
week!
September 27, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, while I'm
sure you've already heard from the other
columns in the paper, you haven't heard
it from me: we have our first male Apple
Queen this year, and it's none other
than our local magician extraordinaire,
Haruki. Congrats, kid. I can't wait to
see which consort you pull out of a hat.
Several young ladies and their parents
have expressed a wish that a certain
butt-naked somebody would have had a hat
of his own, this past week, down on the
dock by Lake Brunsett. I didn't get a
name, but from what I've heard, the guy
set his own crotch on fire and got
shoved off of the dock. That's version
number one.
Version number two involves tentacles
better seen in a hentai than a public
boating dock, fireballs better seen in
Dungeons & Dragons (and yes, Peter Qi, I
do know what that is; I'm not THAT old
and decrepit), and an attractive young
woman weeping over his manly nudity
until the cops showed up to congratulate
him on his victory over unnatural and
monstrous beasts.
Version number three involves saving a
little girl from a random attack by some
variation on an octopus, a sting ray or
a seal, depending on which source I was
talking to, but the single unifying
event in all of the stories was this guy
getting his pants burned off and almost
drowning in the lake.
Tourists may wimp out and leave the lake
early this year, but we've seen weirder,
haven't we? Not to make light of the
little girl's injuries, which are
supposedly extensive but minor and
expected to heal with minimal scarring,
but if I were you, I wouldn't worry too
much about seeing more of those critters
around. I'm sure the experts from the
east bank will be taking care of it.
October 04, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've got a
hankering for pumpkin pies, but everyone
is crazed about apples, and for good
reason. The recipes those contestants
were serving were mmmm mmm good, down to
the last bite.
I have no shame. I took a lot of bites.
I didn't get to take a bite out of that
handsome hunk of a Miller, however, who
was working at the emergency station. I
did get to see Susan Farrendahl flirting
up a storm with the man, which was a
real treat, let me tell you. If I were a
guy she had her sights on, hoo-ey, I'd
be drowning in that bounteous everything
in no time. Fly, meet web.
Pity Mr. Miller is another spider.
Speaking of eight-legged friends, I hear
tell the local elementary kids are fix-
ing to decorate the schoolhouse and the
outside of the church this year, and a
certain spidery stuffed somebody will be
making a reappearance.
Just keep Fido away from him, Mikey. He
can only have de-paraplegia surgery so
many times before he gets a leg-popping-
off complex.
I've heard there's a girl around town,
no names given as yet, who claims Haruki
is a poser, and not a real Apple Queen.
Sounds like someone wants a bake-off, to
me.
Win-win scenario for us, isn't it?
This time of year reminds me, too, that
times are a-changing, and we'd best keep
up. It's the dying of the year, folks,
and you know the hunts are coming soon.
Play it safe. I know I will.
October 11, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope we
have all learned our lesson as regards
opening doors to strangers. Also, who
knew BangBang had such an entertaining
means of discouraging robbers? Really,
even more than that, who would try to
rob a hair salon? Further, who would
try to rob a hair salon named 'Crops and
Bobbers' right down the street from the
local police deputy?
Don't worry, folks. Like Ashley said in
the news report, everyone's fine, and
the perp's skin will be stained an array
of interesting colors for at least a
week or two.
On a lighter note, I'd like to offer my
personal, and public, congratulations to
Mr. and Mrs. Hoffmann for sticking with
each other up until this, their 75th
wedding anniversary. Also, when I'm a
hundred and two, I sure hope I have the
guts to take a hot air balloon ride over
the waterfall for MY anniversaries.
Speaking of the waterfall, I've heard a
few reports of someone throwing bird
feathers into the river. There's no
sign of actual birds being harmed, but
if anyone knows the culprit behind it,
the wardens would like to have a word
with them about clogging the safety
nets under the bridges...
We're getting closer to Halloween, and
I don't know about you, but I'd keep my
doors locked, Kip, if I had an admirer
as dedicated as you do. Seems someone
left cupcakes for our local bookstore
sweetheart, but the address was two
numbers off. If anyone else sees a
suspicious package, 'Mindy x Kip' was
on this one, and police are looking
into the identity of the thumb which
was attached along with the 'Yours,
always' letter on the box.
October 18, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all
had a chance to say goodbye to Autumn
and hello to old Jack Frost. How about
that snow, folks? Nothing's sticking,
but if you haven't gotten those Spring
tulips in the ground yet, you'd best get
crackin'. The hard freezes are coming
soon.
The town's been drowning in apples for
weeks, but the pumpkin fields are mighty
strong competition, and I've got to say,
my house has never looked more orange. I
don't know if it's a lucky little faerie
in the fields or a portent that we're
all going to get snowed in and end up
with scurvy, but I'll take it.
Speaking of taking pumpkins...
I've been sponsored by Melissa Elliot of
the, I quote, "Tamarack Elliots," by
means of three pumpkin pies with extra
cinnamon (for which the entire office
thanks you), to tell you all that if you
see a dark-haired man with insect eyes
looking out at you from the reflections
on the insides of your windows, you
should let her know, so she doesn't have
to feel like she is going crazy.
Liss, if you're going crazy, can you get
a copy of that pie recipe over to Ashley
in the news room? It would be a crying
shame for the world to lose that pie,
and I, for one, am going to have night-
mares about staring eyes for days.
If you haven't checked it out yet, John,
you and your Desrochers friends ought to
sign up for that race this weekend. The
Spook-A-Thon seems right up your alley.
I'm sure there will be giant spiders for
you to squeal at, just like Linda May
swears you do any time you see one, but
what do I know about revenge? I told you
I wouldn't forget.
I'm told some out-of-towners have gone
and challenged everybody to a paintball
match as well. They seem mighty confi-
dent about their chances of winning.
October 25, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got
a lot to say, so let's get saying it. I
have some eye-witness reporting for you,
seen by these very own peepers, thanks
to Mayor Jack and his hideous love of
healthy, environmentally conscious and
early-morning activities. Hiking up a
mountain when there's barely daylight
just to clean up trash left by the kids
too foolish to tidy up the evidence of
their own parties (looking at you, John
and Annette, and George, too) is not my
idea of a peaceful interview.
Now, on to the eye-witness business. We
saw a bunch of trees just torn down in
the woods, a lot more than a few kids
could manage on foot. Didn't look like
bear sign, and there wasn't anything
that looked like power tools nearby, so
be careful out there if you're going on
a hike alone.
Next, it's not even November yet, but we
already have some Christmas card capers,
and some itchy, sneezy ones at that. The
folks who've gotten these cards say they
felt like allergies, but creepy, too,
like they weren't the only person in the
driver's seat of their own bodies. Now,
I don't know about you, but when people
tell ME to get into the holiday spirit,
I don't go out and try to get possessed.
A Cade Sextus, I'm told, has had zero
takers on his offers to dye or paint
whatever metal he's brought. You'd think
a town like this would like some oddball
art. Just think, we could all sport hub
caps as darling as Amanda Binks' Chevy.
Speaking of Binks, I've been watching
some good old Halloween movie fun-a-thon
runs on TV lately, to get myself into
the spooky spirit, and Hocus Pocus must
be on somebody's list of favorites, be-
cause I could swear it's been on twice
as often as anything else. Not that I
mind. Can't go wrong with Bette Midler
putting a spell on you in fake buck
teeth.
We CAN go wrong with a cornfield maze
when there's no corn... Steve's always
been a little odd, but this takes the
cake even for him. This month. Who can
say what he'll do in November? See, he
has a maze, but he hasn't grown corn in
five years. It's just high weeds. I'm
told it's really something, but the kid
I talked to, who gave me this scoop on
the promise that I wouldn't even hint
at their name, clever person that they
were, got pretty spooked: either Steve
really has a faulty motor somewhere or
someone was out there with a chainsaw.
November 01, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, have I got
a scoop for you! Tanya Mallory, local
aficionado extraordinaire, just gave me
a bowl of some of Dare's newest flavors,
and hoo boy, you've got to try these. I
didn't know my tongue even knew how to
taste that many oddball things at once.
That said, Happy Halloween! A day late
is better than never. I'm not sure who
it was, but I've been hearing rumors all
around town that someone went around and
placed a bunch of stone cat carvings all
over the place. What'd they do, cross
paths with a black one? Propitiation on
that scale seems a bit excessive, but
who am I to judge?
I've heard that Nancy's boy was found
out in the woods a few days back, after
being missing for a week. Just a few
scrapes and cuts, but please, folks, be
careful about those woods. Especially
the ones on the east bank.
On a much lighter note, it is my joy and
privilege to bring you yet another Kip-
scapade this week. Rumor has it that
our local book-loving, rainbow-haired
royalty left Crossroads in a hurry after
cozying up to Mr. Kip Kensington,
followed moments later by the Kip him-
self! Wonder what books THEY were going
off to love...
Don't forget, folks -- we've had our
First Snow celebrations, but we're still
keeping an eye out for the start of the
Frozen Bread Guy on the first deep snow,
and the forges at the town blacksmith's
workshop are getting a good, thorough
cleaning in prep for the work he and
his assistants will be doing all through
December.
November 08, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a lot of
kids at the hospital have had some magic
even past the night of Halloween itself.
I'm told our bunny-crazy duo, Haruki and
Itsuki, dressed up as a Pharaoh mummy
and, get this, an Egyptian god with
bunny ears, spent time down at Riverside
Hospital and a few other charities and
care facilities as volunteer entertain-
ment, doing magic tricks and, of course,
because why wouldn't they have them,
letting folks pet certified therapy
rabbits, which I'm told were also in
costume.
I don't know about you, but I sure hope
they had a lot of bunny pooper scoopers.
I've also heard tell that Mr. Haruki
there has been a very studious Apple
Queen down at Patterson Middle School as
well, having a contest for the best
apple-based diorama. Golden boy Logan
Brenner offered prizes to the winners.
No parents allowed.
Thankfully, it's turkey season here, and
mmm mmm mmmmm I'm looking forward to a
good, hot roasted bird with all the fix-
ings. Ann-Marie still won't give me her
gravy recipe, but as a little self-plug,
on top of what Amanda's already writing,
this is just a reminder that the paper
will be donating the proceeds of this
week's publication to the local homeless
shelter down in Fort Brunsett, so buy a
few! Heck, paper your walls with them,
or twist yourself up a good newspaper
log on the altar of good gossip. You've
all got gossip altars in your home, of
course. Don't you?
On a heavier note, I'm sad to say that
rumors of Old Man Jones were not in the
least exaggerated. He died as he lived:
hurtling through space as quickly as he
could, just waiting for a hard drop. I,
for one, will miss the old cuss. The
things he used to tell me about little
miss Bethesda Miller in her younger
years, well, they're too much even for
THIS paper to publish. Rest in peace,
Jones. I hope heaven's got a rocket
just for you
November 15, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, one of our
charming young men has found out, the
hard way, that black ice is no joke. You
have my sympathies, Jacob, and I hope a
broken coccyx doesn't slow you down. My
bet's still on you for hockey later this
Winter!
We're getting more snow, but the Frozen
Bread Guy committee says we aren't quite
ready for full freeze. Too soon to bake
our delicious gentlemen, but I'm told I
can expect a full run-down on when the
festival will start, as soon as weather
behaves itself.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but
come on, Mother Nature. Let it snow!
If we get a blizzard next week, you can
all blame me. I'll take the hate.
Speaking of hate, a little birdy tells
me that a certain young woman in a white
coat has been seen lurking outside of a
certain young man's bedroom window at
night, reciting poetry. The window
remains unmoved, but from all I've heard
of it, the poetry sounds good. Girl, you
should go and loiter outside Paul Gann's
place next. He could use a refresher, or
at least a bit of help, because Mandy's
about to stuff his quill pen down his
loving throat.
Last but not least, Haruki would like to
inform the world that rabbits are the
bee's knees.
November 22, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
dilemma: as you have all surely read in
the news section of the paper, SOMEone
has managed to burn down a chunk of our
best bookstore owner's shop, Homepage.
Now, police reports aside, I'm told that
a fair number of ladies have been seen
going in and out of the place in recent
days, and Mina sure hasn't been happy
with her affianced. Do we have a case
of jealous love on our hands, ladies and
gents? Or is this really the fault of
a faulty appliance?
I have my own ideas. What do YOU think?
Speaking of Mina, I've heard a few peeps
and chirps about a dance company down in
Boston. Break a leg, girly. Crack those
nuts well.
With this being published on good old
Thanksgiving and all, I'd like to list
the things I'm thankful for this year.
Only three of them, since Charlie won
the office bet.
I'm thankful for Mr. Roberts and his
wife, who never fail to give us some-
thing fun to gossip over when they show
up in the latest version of cutting each
other's hair. Lettie, I still say the
electric lemon banana curls beat out the
urchin spines. At least you could kiss
the guy without stabbing him!
I'm thankful for Clarice, for taking
over the Crossroads Cafe when Hazel had
to leave us all. The town needed a good
watering hole to mingle the old and the
weird in. I, of course, am neither old
nor weird, despite Tommy's courteous
efforts to walk me across the street.
Last but not least, I'm thankful to be
alive. Real talk, here. The world's a
messed up place, but we're doing some
good. I, for one, intend to keep on
doing it.
November 29, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we say good
bye to another old friend. Pepper Miller
was a good boy, and almost always did as
he was told. His owner, Fitch, paid me a
box of cinnamon candy purchased with his
own allowance to say so. Thank you, kid.
My dentist thanks you, too. He loves it
when I eat too much sugar.
December's just a day away, folks, and a
noisy day, at that. I was out along the
riverbank, tromping through the snow,
and clangity-clang clang went the hammer
at the blacksmith's place. He had a few
mighty fine assistants, too...
Pity they were all young enough to be my
sons. Sons, Blair. Not grandsons. I'm
not THAT old.
Eye candy value aside, if you haven't
planned a day to stop in for your iron,
there's a calendar at the town hall. I
hear a certain someone has been blocking
out his favorite days to chase people
down for the holiday choir there, too.
Samuel W. Lees, you should know better
than to ask folks in THIS town to sing.
Remember '72? I'm going to pretend I
don't, for the sake of remaining
twenty-mumble.
A local author got a bit of a kick out
of sweet eyefuls himself, it seems. I've
been given a peek at a book with some
very familiar characters on the cover,
and said author has a great admirer in
the one who gave it to me. To para-
phrase her letter, in her opinion, the
man must REALLY care about getting the
investigation right for all that work!
December 06, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have our
selves a nice little mystery. I've heard
from a few sources that a tall brunette
has been seen standing outside of folks'
homes, who skedaddles any time someone
takes notice of her. Anyone remember
setting out bait for Mothwoman?
On a lighter note, I hear tell there's a
party in the offing for the owner of the
paintball range, and from what the rumor
mill is telling me, booze will be in the
offing. Tempting. Very tempting. I'm
told the man hosting the thing's a tasty
morsel his own self.
Speaking of new folks, do you all recall
the Utridge crew earlier this year? Most
of them seem to have departed for parts
unknown, but my sources tell me miss
Olivia's been seen around. Where DID
they all go? Secret lab? Hidden baby?
If I hear the answer, folks, you'll be
the first to know!
I hear there was a bit of a to-do down
at the mall recently with some Silly
String(tm) and shaving cream. Best food
court entertainment in years. Sorry, Hal
just can't compete with Looney Tunes
style chase scenes and mall cops. The
teens responsible may not be quite as
entertained, once they've finished with
the community service the cops have
given them as punishment...
Also at the mall, while no one has been
able to peg who did it, we have a second
mystery this week: who beheaded Santa
Claus? An animatronic's rosy cheeks and
everything attached are missing as of
this week. I don't know about you, but
I'm awfully curious about just what the
culprit plans to do with a great big
bearded head in a hat.
December 13, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
little less than two weeks until Christ-
mas, and boy howdy are the decorating
committees a hive of busy busy bees.
Why, I heard from Mabel just the other
day that several of my sources had been
lying to me about who sold them the new
greenery swags they hung up on the Town
Hall. What is the world coming to, when
there's a black market for balsam fir?
June could tell you, but she's gone and
flown the coop.
That's right, ladies and gents: my one
and only gossip rival has decided to
make the big move down to balmy, sunny
Honolulu to live with her great-
grandson.
Junebug, which I say with love and
because you're going to be too far away
to smack me with your cane, you will be
missed. Sometimes.
Andy Johnson sure wishes the person(s)
responsible for vandalizing his hardware
store would start going missing. I heard
from a friend of his cousin's that just
the other week, someone twice used spray
paint all along the back wall to write
who only knows what language. Do we
have an enterprising young witch doing
spells in alleyways?
He did say it smelled like smoke...
December 20, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone has
decided on being a Grinch the week
before Christmas, and what a shame that
is. Why, one of my sources was walking
past Lost Treasures with her pooch, and
tells me the poor toy shop was totally
trashed. The nice policemen wouldn't
accept my questions, but anyone wanting
toys from the store will just have to
wait until they get the door put back up
in a frame that isn't busted.
In happier news, as I'm sure you've read
earlier in the paper, the parade this
weekend is expectd to go off without too
many hitches, and as someone who's been
listening to the kiddos practice, let me
tell you, you don't want to miss it. It
will be an experience you won't forget.
Possibly it will do permanent damage to
your retinas. Bring sunglasses.
Speaking of sunglasses...
I hear tell that we have ourselves a
Mysterious Stranger in town, who claims
to be a vampire, walks around with an
umbrella on a sunny day, and pesters
waitresses beyond endurance. They do say
he's a good tipper, however, even if it
doesn't make up for the rest. What do
you think? Cute goth or supernatural
predator of the night? If he's real, I
totally call dibs on being his Anne
Rice.
I don't know about you, but I'm loving
this heat wave, even if the Frozen Bread
Guy contest is getting pushed back again
until it stops raining. I'm thinking
I'll skip the raisins this year. My
bread guys keep getting eaten. Totally
inedible and rock solid is my goal this
year. Jan, try not to steal that one for
your Christmas bread this time around. I
already paid my dentist bills, and don't
want to go chipping a tooth on granite
masquerading as fruitbread. Point in
fact, let's make a night of it, and I'll
bring the booze to keep it loose!
December 27, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope we
all had an excellent Christmas, those of
us who celebrate it, and for all those
who don't, I hope the season's treating
you well. Don't worry. Getting drunk off
your patoot on New Year's Eve is a fine,
perfectly non-denominational holiday.
You still have time.
Emily Watt, however, does not have time.
No, our little Emily is, I'm told, going
to be grounded for the rest of her life.
Em, kiddo, you know it isn't safe to go
out at night on the river, especially at
this time of year.
Miss Esmeralda Hinklepuff, on the other
hand, is perfectly safe, behind thirteen
locks, twelve doors and a mysterious red
box.
My question is this: why lock your dolly
up so thoroughly? Do you expect her to
come to life, rise up from her shelf and
settle on your pillow to stare at you
while you sleep? Smiling, staring... On
second thought, I know exactly why you'd
want to lock her up.
As for me, the only things I've been
locking up lately are my coffee and bon-
bons. Henry, nice try on the file
cabinet. Next time you want to pilfer my
coffee beans, don't wear cologne if you
don't want me to guess you've been there
'borrowing' my delicious caffeinated
gold.
