Difference between revisions of "Tamarack Times Gossip Column"

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This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.
 
This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.
  
==March 16 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week&nbsp; in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've all&nbsp; <br>learned the value of not&nbsp; trusting Jimmy <br>Miller&nbsp; when he says&nbsp; his&nbsp; dog is smart.&nbsp;  <br>No&nbsp; smart dog&nbsp; would&nbsp; run in front of&nbsp; a&nbsp; &nbsp; <br>plow going&nbsp; full-tilt,&nbsp; but the vet says&nbsp; <br>the pup's going to&nbsp; recover just in time <br>for&nbsp; the&nbsp; Spring&nbsp;  tourist&nbsp; season&nbsp;  and <br>chasing muddy motorcycles.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; <br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; <br>What isn't going to recover?&nbsp; Maddy <br>Nichols'&nbsp; flower&nbsp; beds,&nbsp; seeing&nbsp; as&nbsp; Mr. <br>Miller&nbsp; ran&nbsp; that plow up over the curb.&nbsp; <br>Lopped&nbsp; the heads right off four&nbsp; of the <br>gnomes, too.<br><br>A newcomer&nbsp; got&nbsp; in&nbsp; a&nbsp; good brawl&nbsp; this <br>past&nbsp; weekend in front of Cyclone,&nbsp; too, <br>and that&nbsp; makes&nbsp; the sixth since the new <br>bar opened.&nbsp; Six fights in a month.&nbsp; <br>What does this mean for you, my readers?<br>Jack squat.&nbsp; The Mayor, I have it from a <br>reliable&nbsp; source,&nbsp; has&nbsp; no&nbsp; intention of <br>telling that nice young lady off.<br></span>
 
  
==March 23 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; Spring has <br>sprung,&nbsp; and what it's sprung is a great<br>big&nbsp; leak.&nbsp; Word to the wise:&nbsp; don't let <br>your&nbsp;  pipes&nbsp;  freeze&nbsp; like&nbsp; a&nbsp; certain<br>somebody down on Main Street, or you get<br>what&nbsp; they&nbsp; got:&nbsp; a hefty bill and soggy<br>floors.<br><br>Keep those faucets dripping!<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of&nbsp;  dripping,&nbsp; now,&nbsp; I&nbsp; don't <br>usually&nbsp; go&nbsp; for&nbsp; the&nbsp; dark&nbsp; meat,&nbsp;  but <br>there's&nbsp; a huge hunk of stranger&nbsp; around<br>town&nbsp; who's&nbsp; more than enough to warm my <br>oven.&nbsp; I'm minded to ask&nbsp; him over for a<br>cup of sugar,&nbsp; if Lou and BangBang don't <br>get to him first.<br><br>Seems&nbsp;  there's&nbsp; been&nbsp;  banging&nbsp;  of&nbsp; a <br>different&nbsp; kind up on the mountain.&nbsp; Odd <br>noises in the&nbsp; mine,&nbsp; lights&nbsp; at&nbsp; night.&nbsp; <br>I'd&nbsp; keep&nbsp; my teenagers&nbsp; pent tight if I <br>had any.&nbsp; Never&nbsp; know&nbsp; what&nbsp; those&nbsp; kids<br>will go and get into.<br></span>
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| colspan="3" style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | Archives for posts from previous years are located at the links below:
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| style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2017|March-December 2017]]'''
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| style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2018|January-December 2018]]'''
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| style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2019|January-December 2019]]'''
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==March 30 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week&nbsp; in&nbsp; Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; the town<br>had&nbsp; its first shooting in a long,&nbsp; long<br>while.&nbsp; All&nbsp; of you coffee&nbsp; addicts will<br>have to get your fix elsewhere,&nbsp; because<br>this&nbsp; columnist&nbsp; is told&nbsp; by&nbsp; a reliable <br>source that the Crossroads Cafe is going<br>to be closed until Friday morning.&nbsp; Hope<br>the owner's&nbsp; taking time to write up how<br>she wants that story told.<br><br>Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied <br>with&nbsp; my own&nbsp; little eye none other than <br>Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in <br>one&nbsp; mighty&nbsp;  big&nbsp; &nbsp; hurry.&nbsp;  Can't&nbsp;  be <br>drinking, because we&nbsp; all know the Mayor<br>would&nbsp; never touch&nbsp; lip to bottle on the <br>job.&nbsp; Isn't that right, Suzanne?<br><br>I don't&nbsp; know about you,&nbsp; but I've heard <br>some mighty fine things about our Miller <br>boys this season for the roads,&nbsp; as much <br>snow&nbsp; as we've&nbsp; been&nbsp; getting,&nbsp; and&nbsp; I'm <br>giving them&nbsp; a shout-out&nbsp; for a job well<br>done.&nbsp; Now&nbsp; if&nbsp; only&nbsp; they&nbsp; could&nbsp; do it<br>without&nbsp; shirts...&nbsp;  Hubba&nbsp; hubba.&nbsp; Rest <br>assured,&nbsp; if you&nbsp; boys ever want to do a <br>calendar for&nbsp; charity,&nbsp; the Enid Schmitt <br>Foundation&nbsp; will gladly accept your kind <br>donation.<br><br>
 
  
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==April 06 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've seen<br>what happens when you drive a motor bike<br>into&nbsp; a&nbsp; river.&nbsp;  We've also&nbsp; seen&nbsp; what<br>happens when your mother finds out about<br>it, haven't we, Jimmy?<br><br>Don't stop.&nbsp; You provide so many&nbsp; column<br>inches.<br><br>Got some delicious hints swirling around<br>town this week&nbsp; of&nbsp; a new baker&nbsp; on&nbsp; the<br>loose, but no one's owning up to leaving<br>cupcakes on doorsteps just yet,&nbsp; or what<br>exactly those sprinkles on top were made<br>of.&nbsp; Watch out, Martha.&nbsp; You&nbsp; could have<br>some competition.<br><br>Watch out for moose!<br><br>Heard tell one&nbsp; of the&nbsp; farmers west&nbsp; of <br>town had an antlered&nbsp; visitor attempting<br>to make nice&nbsp; with his Morgans the other<br>day.&nbsp; She wasn't having any,&nbsp; and that's<br>a damn shame, with a rack like that.<br></span>
 
  
==April 13 2017==
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==January 2, 2020==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is<br>busy busy busy, and so is the gossip!&nbsp; <br><br>With Easter only days away,&nbsp; you'd think<br>people would know better than to go egg-<br>tossing&nbsp; at&nbsp; police cars,&nbsp; wouldn't you,<br>Mikey?&nbsp; Once&nbsp; you're&nbsp; done hand&nbsp; washing <br>all of the squad&nbsp; cars, mind coming over<br>to do mine?<br><br>I've seen&nbsp; a lovely&nbsp; young&nbsp; lady out and<br>about&nbsp; a-wandering&nbsp; this&nbsp; week,&nbsp; but&nbsp; no<br>handsome&nbsp; young&nbsp; lad to accompany her on<br>the&nbsp; riverbank.&nbsp; Watch&nbsp; the&nbsp; east,&nbsp; now. <br>Things on that side get slippery.<br><br>The mystery cupcakes continue!<br><br>Who IS&nbsp; our&nbsp; secretive pastry chef?&nbsp; Lou<br>and&nbsp; Bang Bang&nbsp; say&nbsp; they're&nbsp; offering a<br>free hair cut to anyone who can identify<br>the source of their decadent delectables<br>this week.<br><br></span>
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==April 27 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've&nbsp; had<br>an exciting go&nbsp; of it,&nbsp; but if you don't<br>like tall,&nbsp; dark,&nbsp; mysterious strangers,<br>why do we care anyway?&nbsp; This&nbsp; man rolled<br>in&nbsp; on a bus at an ungodly hour,&nbsp; I tell<br>you,&nbsp; I've&nbsp; heard&nbsp; it&nbsp; from&nbsp; a reputable<br>source myself,&nbsp; wearing&nbsp; all black,&nbsp; and<br>talked&nbsp; with a few foreigners for hours.<br>Just who is&nbsp; this&nbsp; mystery man,&nbsp; and how<br>can&nbsp; I convince&nbsp; him to come over for MY<br>coffee?&nbsp; Hubba hubba.<br><br>Certain&nbsp; indiscretions&nbsp; were&nbsp; overheard, <br>I'm told,&nbsp; at the&nbsp; Crossroads Cafe.&nbsp; Now<br>I&nbsp; wasn't there myself, but in my humble<br>opinion,&nbsp; people&nbsp; with so&nbsp; many&nbsp; secrets <br>really ought&nbsp; to be&nbsp; better&nbsp; at&nbsp; keeping <br>them.&nbsp; Most&nbsp;  folks&nbsp; aren't&nbsp; so&nbsp; pleased <br>about going&nbsp; to&nbsp; court,&nbsp; young&nbsp; man.&nbsp; Be <br>careful what you say.<br><br>Be careful what you eat, too, because by<br>golly&nbsp; these&nbsp; cupcakes just keep coming.&nbsp; <br>Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come <br>up&nbsp; and&nbsp; lie&nbsp; about&nbsp; baking&nbsp; them again.&nbsp; <br>I've&nbsp; tasted&nbsp;  your&nbsp; cooking,&nbsp; and&nbsp; it's <br>enough to make a cat laugh!<br></span>
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==May 04 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've&nbsp; had<br>a delicious little peccadillo at the new<br>bookstore&nbsp; in&nbsp; town.&nbsp; I've&nbsp; had reliable <br>reports&nbsp; of&nbsp; more&nbsp; than&nbsp;  one&nbsp;  romantic <br>entanglement&nbsp;  gone&nbsp;  wrong,&nbsp; and,&nbsp; even <br>better,&nbsp; I hear&nbsp; tell a lady stormed out<br>altogether&nbsp; after&nbsp; a&nbsp; certain pint-sized <br>bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.<br><br>Hot sales at Homepage!&nbsp; Thefts,&nbsp; too.&nbsp; A<br>few&nbsp; books&nbsp; seem to be missing, but with<br>the owner such&nbsp; a&nbsp; hot item,&nbsp; I wouldn't<br>presume to wonder why...<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of shopkeepers,&nbsp; someone ought<br>to&nbsp; set&nbsp; up&nbsp; a&nbsp; secret&nbsp;  sale&nbsp; over&nbsp;  at <br>Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got<br>some&nbsp; folks&nbsp; who can't keep their mouths<br>shut&nbsp; in&nbsp;  public.&nbsp; There&nbsp;  are&nbsp;  better<br>places&nbsp; to chit-chat about local queens, <br>and&nbsp; if&nbsp; I'm&nbsp; hearing about it, how many <br>others are?<br><br>If&nbsp; you&nbsp; haven't been down to the Evelyn <br>Miller&nbsp; Memorial&nbsp; Gardens&nbsp; yet,&nbsp; do&nbsp; it, <br>because&nbsp; showers of&nbsp;  white&nbsp; petals&nbsp; are<br>about&nbsp; as close to snowfall as I want to <br>think about right now.&nbsp; Is Winter over?<br></span>
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==May 11 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; the rising<br>temps&nbsp; have seen a corresponding rise in<br>idiots thinking&nbsp; the&nbsp; signs&nbsp; about rapid<br>currents&nbsp; are&nbsp;  for&nbsp; amateurs.&nbsp;  Really,<br>Megan,&nbsp; you&nbsp; didn't&nbsp; have&nbsp; to prove your<br>parents&nbsp; right&nbsp; BEFORE&nbsp;  you&nbsp; left&nbsp;  for<br>college.&nbsp; They&nbsp; always&nbsp; told you&nbsp; not to<br>date&nbsp;  him.&nbsp; This&nbsp; is&nbsp; why.&nbsp; Go&nbsp; have&nbsp; a<br>coffee,&nbsp; meet&nbsp; a&nbsp; handsome&nbsp; god.&nbsp; Have a<br>fling you'll never forget.<br><br>Speaking of flinging with gods,&nbsp; trouble<br>in&nbsp; paradise?&nbsp; Forget&nbsp; what&nbsp; I said last<br>week about a secret-share.&nbsp; We just need<br>a&nbsp; full-time time-share&nbsp; with that cutey<br>Hazel&nbsp; on&nbsp; the&nbsp; Crossroads&nbsp; Cafe,&nbsp; Thom,<br>because she's giving&nbsp; us&nbsp; a spot with so<br>much material!&nbsp; And men.&nbsp; The men!<br><br>The screaming, the throwing,&nbsp; the drama,<br>la, c'est vraiment magnifique!<br><br>Last&nbsp; week's&nbsp; book&nbsp; owner&nbsp; gave&nbsp; us&nbsp; all<br>another&nbsp; stunning example of what NOT to<br>do in a relationship,&nbsp; and hoo boy,&nbsp; let<br>me&nbsp; tell you,&nbsp; kid,&nbsp; skirt-hopping after<br>popping your cherry with&nbsp; a&nbsp; girl is not<br>a&nbsp; way&nbsp; to&nbsp; make a friend.&nbsp; I&nbsp; could use<br>your&nbsp; name,&nbsp; but then,&nbsp; you&nbsp; already had<br>it&nbsp;  shouted&nbsp; across&nbsp; the&nbsp; entire&nbsp; cafe.<br>There's such a thing as pity.&nbsp; <br><br>Have mine.<br></span>
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==May 18 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; I have&nbsp; to<br>applaud&nbsp; the&nbsp; folks trying to hook me up <br>with&nbsp; Bigfoot.&nbsp; Don't&nbsp; get&nbsp; me wrong.&nbsp; I <br>like...big...men&nbsp; as&nbsp; much as&nbsp; the&nbsp; next <br>woman,&nbsp; but&nbsp; the&nbsp; hair?&nbsp; Would&nbsp; YOU want <br>that&nbsp;  between&nbsp; your&nbsp;  teeth?&nbsp; Nice try, <br>kiddos.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of big men,&nbsp; I hear&nbsp; tell that<br>Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.<br>Tough to get prettier than he is, and my<br>reliable source&nbsp; confirms that they went<br>quite&nbsp; out&nbsp; of their way to have a very,<br>very expensive&nbsp; bite&nbsp; to&nbsp; eat.&nbsp; Keep the<br>beauties&nbsp; here,&nbsp; folks!&nbsp; Someone go&nbsp; get<br>rich and build a fancy restaurant called<br>Something Blue.&nbsp; Pay&nbsp; me&nbsp; a&nbsp; nice&nbsp; juicy<br>commission and the IP's yours!<br><br>Sadly, not&nbsp; everyone&nbsp; is hooking up this<br>week.&nbsp; Sorry,&nbsp; Betsy.&nbsp; I told you, lemon<br>juice down&nbsp; under&nbsp; on date night,&nbsp; not a<br>good&nbsp; idea.&nbsp; What guy&nbsp; wants his girl to<br>show up with yellow unmentionables?&nbsp; Not<br>any I know, that's for sure.&nbsp; Heard tell<br>of&nbsp; an&nbsp; oddball&nbsp; breakup&nbsp; at&nbsp; Crossroads<br>Cafe,&nbsp; too.&nbsp; Who'd&nbsp; WRITE&nbsp; their breakup<br>lines and&nbsp; hand them to a guy instead of<br>SAYING&nbsp; them?&nbsp; Then&nbsp; again, given who it<br>was,&nbsp; staying&nbsp; quiet's&nbsp; an&nbsp; improvement.<br>Sorry, kid.&nbsp; Stop by the paper some time<br>for a bad coffee.<br></span>
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==May 25 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; there&nbsp; was<br>quite the commotion over at our favorite<br>sap's&nbsp; book&nbsp; store.&nbsp; The&nbsp; way I hear it,<br>while the girl&nbsp; behind the counter tried<br>to&nbsp; hush&nbsp;  it&nbsp; up&nbsp;  with&nbsp; louder&nbsp; music,<br>customers report&nbsp; a&nbsp; woman&nbsp; shouting&nbsp; at<br>someone&nbsp; (three&nbsp; guesses who),&nbsp; and even<br>something&nbsp;  shattering.&nbsp;  Hoo boy,&nbsp; this<br>kid's&nbsp; a&nbsp; treat!&nbsp; Never leave.&nbsp; You make<br>my job a breeze, Kip.<br><br>Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?<br>Had&nbsp; a&nbsp; few muscled young farmers (hubba<br>hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying<br>around, no falconer in sight.<br><br>Mary&nbsp; Adams&nbsp; was mighty breezy, too, the<br>other&nbsp; day.&nbsp; What&nbsp; are you trying to do,<br>be&nbsp; Vermont's&nbsp; soggy&nbsp; Monroe?&nbsp; Who wears<br>white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?<br>Love&nbsp; &nbsp; the&nbsp; &nbsp; neon&nbsp;  piglets&nbsp;  on&nbsp;  the<br>unmentionables.<br><br>Last&nbsp; but&nbsp; not least, catch it quick.&nbsp; I<br>hear they're power washing that horrible<br>wall&nbsp;  lickety&nbsp; split&nbsp; to&nbsp; get&nbsp; it&nbsp; off.<br>Someone went and (spray)painted the city<br>red,&nbsp; some&nbsp; poem&nbsp; about&nbsp; sorrow and love<br>scribbled&nbsp; all&nbsp;  over&nbsp; the&nbsp;  side&nbsp; of&nbsp; a<br>building down&nbsp; by the corner of Rockdove<br>and&nbsp; Mack.&nbsp; Police&nbsp; are&nbsp; looking for the<br>artist to give them a talking to, and so<br>am I!&nbsp; I've&nbsp; got&nbsp; to&nbsp; know, how DID they<br>climb that wall?&nbsp; Do we have ourselves a<br>brand new Spiderman?<br></span>
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==June 02 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've&nbsp; had<br>a&nbsp; positive dearth&nbsp; (that's an SAT word,<br>Sally,&nbsp; but you&nbsp; wouldn't&nbsp; know that, on <br>account of skipping&nbsp; school to play with<br>Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from<br>the town's favorite bookstore owner.<br><br>Kip, you disappoint us.<br><br>News from Fort Brunsett&nbsp; says that local<br>Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity<br>like&nbsp; it's going out of style.&nbsp; The food<br>bank's&nbsp; sure&nbsp; to&nbsp; thank him, but where's<br>our cut?&nbsp; Hungry newspaper services need<br>to snack!&nbsp; I&nbsp; have a particular fondness<br>for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.<br><br>Those&nbsp; of&nbsp; you of a mind to go joining a <br>cult have got a&nbsp; new&nbsp; temple,&nbsp; I'm told.&nbsp; <br>Haven't&nbsp; visited&nbsp; myself,&nbsp; but&nbsp; reliable <br>sources say&nbsp; it's&nbsp; a&nbsp; hoot.&nbsp; Night club, <br>Fort&nbsp;  Brunsett,&nbsp; keep&nbsp; your&nbsp;  teens&nbsp; on <br>leashes, parents, because it sounds like<br>something right up their alley.<br><br>Last but&nbsp; not least, oh ho, not least by<br>far,&nbsp; we have a lovely contribution from <br>one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat.&nbsp; I hear <br>there&nbsp; was&nbsp; quite&nbsp; the handsome stud the <br>other day, took his clothes right off to <br>wash them all&nbsp; buck naked.&nbsp; A cowboy hat <br>over&nbsp; the fun bits really does ruin some <br>of the joy, but mister, whoever you are, <br>that grandmother says you can give her a <br>show&nbsp; whenever&nbsp; you like!&nbsp; Ladies,&nbsp; it's <br>time&nbsp; to&nbsp; break&nbsp; your washer and head to <br>the Laundromat because there's more than <br>suds perking up around there!<br></span>
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==June 08 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we<br>had a record number of&nbsp; Web hits for SAT<br>words to stump me with. Try harder. <br><br>I have a few for you, my rabid readers:<br> * semaphore<br> * duress<br> * substantiate<br><br>They&nbsp; are&nbsp; all,&nbsp; one&nbsp; is&nbsp; certain, quite <br>appropriate words to use when describing<br>the&nbsp; delectable&nbsp; moaning&nbsp; at&nbsp; a&nbsp; certain <br>bookstore&nbsp; owner's&nbsp; table&nbsp;  this&nbsp;  week.&nbsp; <br>Surrounded&nbsp;  by&nbsp; two&nbsp;  women,&nbsp; no&nbsp; less.<br>In public.&nbsp; Kip, Kip, groupies already. <br><br>It&nbsp; sounds&nbsp; like one of those moaners is <br>prepping&nbsp; for&nbsp; a&nbsp; street fair, soon, and <br>wants me to get wet along with her.&nbsp; Far <br>be it from me to deny dunk tanks for <br>charity.<br><br>Hear that,&nbsp; Lou?&nbsp; That's&nbsp; the sound of a<br>good&nbsp; dye&nbsp; job spiraling down the drain,<br>and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.<br></span>
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==June 15 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &<br>State" by a mystery admirer.&nbsp; Patron's a<br>little masculine, don't you think?&nbsp; I'll<br>put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm<br>up for titles, folks.&nbsp; Or Maven.&nbsp; That's<br>much better.&nbsp; What do YOU think?<br><br>The bonbons were delicious.&nbsp; Thank you!<br><br>Speaking of&nbsp; admirers,&nbsp; Tommy,&nbsp; you know <br>that little word Rebecah told you at the<br>farm?&nbsp; I hear you didn't.&nbsp; Also,&nbsp; keep a <br>better eye out for security cameras next<br>time&nbsp;  you&nbsp;  and&nbsp;  the&nbsp;  boys&nbsp;  want&nbsp; to <br>'anonymously' egg my house, and at least <br>dye&nbsp;  the&nbsp;  shells&nbsp;  first.&nbsp; White's&nbsp; so <br>ordinary, don't you think?<br><br>I&nbsp;  hear&nbsp;  tell&nbsp;  the&nbsp;  statue&nbsp; down&nbsp; on <br>Stagbridge&nbsp; got itself a golden surprise <br>of its&nbsp; own,&nbsp; not&nbsp; to mention any of the <br>cars&nbsp; driving past it.&nbsp; I think my tires <br>aspire&nbsp;  toward&nbsp; pole-dancing,&nbsp; as&nbsp; much <br>glitter as&nbsp; they've got in their treads.&nbsp; <br>Gallons of gold glitter, I can see.&nbsp; The <br>gold&nbsp; top&nbsp; hat and suit?&nbsp; Sure hope they <br>don't&nbsp; want&nbsp; those&nbsp; back.&nbsp; I&nbsp; distinctly <br>recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.<br></span>
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==June 22 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; I have the<br>inestimable joy&nbsp; of&nbsp; reporting that&nbsp; our<br>much-reported Kip is back in the paper:<br><br>HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!<br><br>Which of your girlfriends did you invite<br>to the party?<br><br>If&nbsp; you&nbsp; haven't&nbsp; checked&nbsp; out our local<br>Instagram&nbsp; princess,&nbsp; take a&nbsp; gander&nbsp; at <br>Franklyn Garreau.&nbsp; Then again,&nbsp; reliable<br>sources indicate she&nbsp; may be dating C.B.<br>Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?<br><br>I don't know about poaching, but setting<br>hearts on&nbsp; fire&nbsp; is&nbsp; one thing.&nbsp; Setting<br>hunks of&nbsp; fence&nbsp; on&nbsp; fire&nbsp; is&nbsp; something<br>altogether&nbsp; different, and the volunteer<br>firefighters&nbsp; are&nbsp; still looking for the<br>culprit&nbsp;  on&nbsp;  that&nbsp; one.&nbsp; Who&nbsp; needs&nbsp; a<br>bonfire in THIS weather?<br><br>No,&nbsp; Henrietta,&nbsp; despite best efforts to<br>the contrary,&nbsp; the burning smell down by<br>the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's<br>caboose.&nbsp; What&nbsp; sound&nbsp; DOES a frying pan<br>full&nbsp; of hot&nbsp; potatoes make against bare <br>skin?<br></span>
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==June 29 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell<br>we have a man down in the city who needs<br>to be disabused of his avian heredity. I<br>don't know what drugs he was on,&nbsp; but if<br>they can make&nbsp; a&nbsp; guy jump out of a tree<br>forty feet high, they've got to be some-<br>thing.&nbsp; Kids,&nbsp; don't do drugs.&nbsp; Hospital<br>bills are killers.<br><br>So are&nbsp; hunters,&nbsp; but&nbsp; it's not a hunter<br>bugging deer this time.&nbsp; Seems there was<br>a&nbsp; fight down at the The Union bar,&nbsp; not<br>unusual,&nbsp; Alexanders&nbsp; being&nbsp; Alexanders.<br>The&nbsp; hotties&nbsp; in&nbsp; blue didn't want it to <br>get out,&nbsp; but come, officers, how can we<br>resist?&nbsp; The deer&nbsp; was cheating, see. It<br>helped&nbsp; the&nbsp;  other&nbsp; guy out,&nbsp; but in my<br>humble&nbsp;  opinion,&nbsp; the&nbsp; deer's&nbsp; the real <br>victim here; it already died once. Let's<br>leave that buck alone.<br><br>Last&nbsp; but not least,&nbsp; this&nbsp; juicy tidbit <br>was witnessed by yours truly down at the<br>Crossroads Cafe&nbsp; just yesterday.&nbsp; Is our<br>favorite Kip being left behind?&nbsp; Mina, I<br>have to say,&nbsp; you look fabulous.&nbsp; Unlike<br>your choice in men.<br><br>Really, that hair?&nbsp; <br><br>Sid, darling,&nbsp; thank you for the flower.<br>Get a tailor.&nbsp; And a hairdresser.&nbsp; Don't<br>forget a barber.<br></span>
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==July 06 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">--------------------------------------&nbsp; &nbsp;--------------------------------------<br><br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;LETTER to the EDITOR<br><br>Dear Ms. Schmitt,&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; reputations in&nbsp; public.&nbsp; Is&nbsp; this what<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;the&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;area's&nbsp; &nbsp; populace&nbsp; &nbsp; consider<br>Since&nbsp; no one&nbsp; else will&nbsp; condemn your&nbsp; &nbsp;"entertainment"?&nbsp; &nbsp;Are&nbsp; you&nbsp; making&nbsp; a<br>travesty&nbsp; of&nbsp; a column,&nbsp; it falls upon&nbsp; &nbsp;living&nbsp; off&nbsp; the&nbsp; suffering of others?<br>me to do so. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Then&nbsp; you&nbsp; need&nbsp; to&nbsp; stop and consider<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;what&nbsp; &nbsp;you're&nbsp; doing,&nbsp; not&nbsp; just&nbsp; what<br>In&nbsp; an&nbsp; area&nbsp; the&nbsp; size&nbsp; of&nbsp; the&nbsp; Fort&nbsp; &nbsp;generates&nbsp; more&nbsp; subscribers&nbsp; for your<br>Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column&nbsp; &nbsp;newspaper.<br>like&nbsp; yours&nbsp; can&nbsp; only&nbsp; sow strife and&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>discord.&nbsp; You're no doubt aware of the&nbsp; &nbsp;I&nbsp; will&nbsp; be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,<br>damage&nbsp; your&nbsp; column&nbsp; does,&nbsp; &nbsp;but&nbsp; you&nbsp; &nbsp;and&nbsp; I&nbsp; know I'm not the only one.&nbsp; We <br>continue thanks&nbsp; to "loyal" readership&nbsp; &nbsp;the people&nbsp; will&nbsp; not&nbsp; be&nbsp; silenced or<br>who&nbsp; likely slaver for whatever scraps&nbsp; &nbsp;intimidated by your petty,&nbsp; small-town <br>you deign to give them.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; small-mindedness.&nbsp; Remember&nbsp; that&nbsp; you<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;are&nbsp; &nbsp;a&nbsp; &nbsp;public&nbsp; figure,&nbsp; and&nbsp; public<br>You should be&nbsp; ashamed of yourself.&nbsp; I&nbsp; &nbsp;figures have a duty to do right by the<br>have&nbsp; personally&nbsp; witnessed&nbsp; or&nbsp; heard&nbsp; &nbsp;public.<br>tales&nbsp; of&nbsp; &nbsp;your&nbsp; &nbsp;column&nbsp; threatening&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>relationships,&nbsp; &nbsp;striking&nbsp; unnecessary&nbsp; &nbsp;Be seeing you,<br>terror&nbsp; into&nbsp; the hearts of the timid,&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>and&nbsp; causing people&nbsp; to fear for their&nbsp; &nbsp;Number Six <br><br>--------------------------------------&nbsp; &nbsp;--------------------------------------<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;trouble was looming overhead.<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Even Jack's.&nbsp; Don't listen to protests<br>This&nbsp; week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; I&nbsp; have&nbsp; &nbsp;otherwise.<br>the&nbsp; unalloyed&nbsp; joy&nbsp; of&nbsp; a threatening&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>letter to report, my rabid readers! It&nbsp; &nbsp;Second,&nbsp; I&nbsp; do&nbsp; have&nbsp; rather&nbsp; a lovely <br>slanders&nbsp; my&nbsp; reputation,&nbsp; which&nbsp; I am&nbsp; &nbsp;word&nbsp; affair with Kip, don't I?&nbsp; He is<br>perfectly&nbsp; capable of doing on my own,&nbsp; &nbsp;an&nbsp; exquisite&nbsp; &nbsp;example&nbsp; of&nbsp; the&nbsp; male<br>darling Six,&nbsp; and claims&nbsp; a conspiracy&nbsp; &nbsp;species.&nbsp; By&nbsp; drawing attention to the<br>of watchers -- just for me!&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; pairings I&nbsp; &nbsp;do,&nbsp; &nbsp;I&nbsp; serve&nbsp; a&nbsp; social<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;purpose&nbsp; &nbsp;beyond&nbsp; &nbsp;my&nbsp; &nbsp;own&nbsp; pleasure, <br>I'm flattered. Truly.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; though&nbsp; I&nbsp; will be first to assure you<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;that writing about Kip is never dull.<br>Also,&nbsp; typewriters&nbsp; are fantastic, and&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>I&nbsp; would&nbsp; love&nbsp; to chat with you about&nbsp; &nbsp;Gossip brings people together.<br>the&nbsp; ink you&nbsp; used.&nbsp; I have an Olympia&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>myself,&nbsp; &nbsp;manual&nbsp; of&nbsp; course.&nbsp; There's&nbsp; &nbsp;Social rules these days aren't written<br>something&nbsp; so&nbsp; authentic&nbsp; about&nbsp; using&nbsp; &nbsp;in a&nbsp; book.&nbsp; We live them.&nbsp; By shining<br>equipment&nbsp; which&nbsp; will&nbsp; last a hundred&nbsp; &nbsp;the light&nbsp; of day on transgressions, I<br>years.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;show&nbsp; the community where it could use<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,<br>Don't you agree?&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I&nbsp; make them&nbsp; laugh about it.&nbsp; We're a<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;small town in a great big world.<br>I do,&nbsp; however,&nbsp; disagree&nbsp; with you on&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>several points. Let us address them in&nbsp; &nbsp;Does the entire town need to know that<br>order, shall we?&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday<br>First,&nbsp; size&nbsp; has&nbsp; nothing&nbsp; to do with&nbsp; &nbsp;afternoon&nbsp; &nbsp;at&nbsp; church?&nbsp; Probably not,<br>the&nbsp; media's ability&nbsp; to influence the&nbsp; &nbsp;but the shame of it will keep the girl<br>public.&nbsp; &nbsp;It&nbsp; &nbsp;is&nbsp; our&nbsp; duty&nbsp; and&nbsp; our&nbsp; &nbsp;from doing it again,&nbsp; now,&nbsp; won't&nbsp; it,<br>privilege to report,&nbsp; faithfully,&nbsp; the&nbsp; &nbsp;Essie?<br>issues of the modern era.&nbsp; In my case,&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>this&nbsp; being&nbsp; an&nbsp; entertainment column,&nbsp; &nbsp;Does the entire town need to know that<br>yes,&nbsp; dear,&nbsp; revenues&nbsp; do&nbsp; indicate&nbsp; a&nbsp; &nbsp;I&nbsp; admired&nbsp; the&nbsp; hot new teller at the <br>significant value&nbsp; in my opinions, and&nbsp; &nbsp;hardware store?&nbsp; Probably&nbsp; not, but he<br>I&nbsp; have the personal gratitude of many&nbsp; &nbsp;should be a firefighter so I can get a<br>who&nbsp; would&nbsp; otherwise never have known&nbsp; &nbsp;calendar and&nbsp; think&nbsp; about my misspent<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;youth...<br><br></span>
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==July 13 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>delighted by the show of support from my<br>loyal&nbsp; readers.&nbsp; Thank&nbsp; you&nbsp; &nbsp;for&nbsp; &nbsp;your<br>letters, ladies and gents.<br><br>As&nbsp; for Six...&nbsp; Surely&nbsp; you were joking.<br>Telling&nbsp; &nbsp;me&nbsp; &nbsp;to&nbsp; &nbsp;throw&nbsp; &nbsp; my&nbsp; darling <br>typewriter&nbsp; out&nbsp; a&nbsp; window&nbsp; is&nbsp; not&nbsp; the <br>commentary of&nbsp; a&nbsp; man who truly respects <br>his machines.&nbsp; <br><br>On better news, our beloved Kip has used<br>the&nbsp; kerfuffle to&nbsp; earn&nbsp; money&nbsp; for&nbsp; the <br>local&nbsp; library,&nbsp; for&nbsp; which I thank him, <br>and&nbsp; I&nbsp; only&nbsp; regret&nbsp; he wasn't there to <br>sell&nbsp; me&nbsp; my&nbsp; 'E'&nbsp; pin&nbsp; all&nbsp; by himself.&nbsp; <br>He did,&nbsp; however, give me&nbsp; my&nbsp; very own, <br>via Ms. Green, for which I thank him.&nbsp; I<br>always knew I was a Queen!<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of queens,&nbsp; I hear tell one of <br>Kip's&nbsp; many ladies&nbsp; may&nbsp; be&nbsp; hitting the <br>stage again,&nbsp; and&nbsp; wouldn't that&nbsp; &nbsp;be&nbsp; a <br>treat?&nbsp; &nbsp;Break&nbsp; a&nbsp; leg, Mina!&nbsp; I forgive<br>your lapse in judgement.&nbsp; <br><br>For the rest of the Sixers out there,&nbsp; I<br>fully&nbsp; expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a<br>la&nbsp; West Side Story,&nbsp; down&nbsp; Main Street.<br>Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,<br>can't you?&nbsp; I know you will.<br></span>
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==July 20 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>a record number of fender benders, and I<br>can't&nbsp; say I blame them.&nbsp; 'Pretty Woman'<br>doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were<br>less happily married to my job,&nbsp; I might<br>be jealous&nbsp; at&nbsp; all the&nbsp; attention she's<br>been getting.&nbsp; Whoever she is.<br><br>Keep&nbsp; an&nbsp; eye out down by the riverbank.<br>Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want<br>any accidents.<br><br>In other news,&nbsp; it&nbsp; seems Cyclone is off<br>the&nbsp; hook&nbsp; for the latest&nbsp; public brawl,<br>folks.&nbsp; None other than our favorite Kip<br>was seen at Homepage Books duking it out<br>with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ<br>on whether it was over who was better in<br>the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.<br><br>Personally, seeing as there was shouting<br>and carrying on from at least two women,<br>one&nbsp; of&nbsp; which is the&nbsp; lovely Mina,&nbsp; the <br>other of which is an Angel,&nbsp; I'm leaning<br>toward&nbsp; the&nbsp; gentlemen brawling over hot<br>dates.&nbsp; Or their dates' honor...<br><br>I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl<br>for MY honor, that's for sure.&nbsp; What do<br>you&nbsp; say,&nbsp; folks?&nbsp; Feel up&nbsp; to fighting <br>the good fight?<br></span>
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==July 27 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>very little gossip-worthy action. Such a<br>shame.<br><br>That said,&nbsp; Kip,&nbsp; you&nbsp; should go out and<br>talk&nbsp; to Emma about cows.&nbsp; I hear tell a<br>heifer had a thing or two to&nbsp; say&nbsp; about<br>a certain someone daydreaming instead of<br>paying attention to where she was going.<br><br>Crews are&nbsp; still working to clean up the<br>tree limbs&nbsp; brought&nbsp; down&nbsp; by that freak <br>thunderstorm&nbsp; earlier this week,&nbsp; so&nbsp; be <br>patient&nbsp; &nbsp;and&nbsp; &nbsp;be&nbsp; careful&nbsp; &nbsp;if&nbsp; you're <br>thinking about hiking&nbsp; up Salvation.&nbsp; If <br>you're&nbsp; &nbsp;thinking&nbsp; &nbsp; about&nbsp; &nbsp;hiking&nbsp; &nbsp;up <br>Mischance,&nbsp; take care, and watch out for <br>Adam&nbsp; Morrison.&nbsp; &nbsp;Young,&nbsp; &nbsp;black&nbsp; &nbsp;hair, <br>creative.&nbsp; His&nbsp; friends said he was last <br>seen&nbsp; near the mines during a LARP.&nbsp; The <br>Miller boys intend to do a grid search <br>of the area this weekend if he isn't <br>found.<br></span>
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==August 17 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; at&nbsp; last I<br>return from two weeks in sunny,&nbsp; utterly<br>dull&nbsp; and&nbsp; boring Florida.&nbsp; Not a single <br>thing worthy of my talents, which says a<br>bit in&nbsp; and of itself.&nbsp; I'm&nbsp; with Green,<br>Frank.&nbsp; Arcadia's a bad idea.<br><br>I hear tell life around town got all the<br>excitement I missed!&nbsp; Riot #1, exploding<br>ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague<br>Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight<br>and local DJ for WFBR,&nbsp; has been sharing<br>that British charm with anyone who asks.<br>Lie back and think of England, indeed.<br><br>A little birdy&nbsp; with&nbsp; much&nbsp; better pitch<br>than a certain laundromat&nbsp; owner tweeted<br>about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,<br>last Friday,&nbsp; if by good you mean a rip-<br>roaring&nbsp; riot&nbsp; over local-author-on-the-<br>lam C.B. Alexander,&nbsp; poetry and,&nbsp; oddly,<br>the&nbsp; &nbsp;rights&nbsp; of&nbsp; vegetables.&nbsp; Exploding<br>lights,&nbsp; this time, instead of ice cream<br>tubs, but this reporter wonders.<br><br>Last&nbsp; but&nbsp; not&nbsp; least,&nbsp; hometown hopeful<br>Cameron Lefevre&nbsp; has&nbsp; returned&nbsp; from his<br>failure at acquiring success and musical<br>obscurity.&nbsp; Don't worry, Cam.&nbsp; We're all<br>family&nbsp; here.&nbsp; No&nbsp; one will ever forget,<br>but&nbsp; we&nbsp; laugh&nbsp; because&nbsp; we&nbsp; care.&nbsp; Also<br>because it was hilarious&nbsp; schadenfreude,<br>but that's beside the point.<br><br>Welcome home.&nbsp; Bring an extra string&nbsp; to<br>your show in the park next week, kiddo.<br></span>
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==August 24 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we&nbsp; say&nbsp; a<br>fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,<br>long-term&nbsp; member of the community,&nbsp; and<br>I, for one, will miss his sermons on the<br>souls of fruitcakes.&nbsp; Remember, it's all<br>in the nuts.<br><br>What a surprise to hear&nbsp; about Mr.&nbsp; C.B.<br>'Copfire' Alexander&nbsp; being nuts himself.<br>Takes one to know one,&nbsp; right?&nbsp; &nbsp;Bet his<br>book sales&nbsp; are&nbsp; going through the roof.<br>Kudos, kid.&nbsp; Pity&nbsp; it wasn't just a pub-<br>licity stunt.&nbsp; Or was it?<br><br>Get this, too.&nbsp; At a reader's request, I<br>sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They<br>just&nbsp; sent&nbsp; their response:&nbsp; not&nbsp; just a<br>letter,&nbsp; but&nbsp; an actual FORM letter from<br>Sai&nbsp; &nbsp;Joshi,&nbsp; he&nbsp; &nbsp;of&nbsp; the&nbsp; incomparable <br>eyelashes,&nbsp; stating&nbsp; that&nbsp; while&nbsp; he&nbsp; is <br>aware they are abnormally long, they are <br>quite natural.<br><br>A form letter. <br><br>This begs the question:&nbsp; how many people<br>ask about&nbsp; his&nbsp; eyelashes?&nbsp; &nbsp;Has he ever<br>thought about&nbsp; trimming&nbsp; them?&nbsp; Cosmetic<br>eyelash&nbsp; buzzing&nbsp; could become&nbsp; a&nbsp; whole<br>new trend.<br></span>
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==August 31 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we&nbsp; have a<br>lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not<br>much&nbsp; from&nbsp; our own back yard. Let's get<br>started on a high note:&nbsp; passers-by near<br>Majesty Records the other&nbsp; morning saw a<br>certain&nbsp; bookstore owner and radio Queen<br>'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully<br>cozy.&nbsp; Is&nbsp; this&nbsp; why&nbsp; his&nbsp; coffee mug at<br>Homepage&nbsp; clearly&nbsp; showed lip&nbsp; prints in<br>her&nbsp; shade of lipstick?&nbsp; What does Paige<br>have to&nbsp; say about&nbsp; this,&nbsp; and how&nbsp; many<br>pieces will he be in when she's done?<br><br>Speaking of tumultuous romances,&nbsp; the up<br>and&nbsp; downs with&nbsp; Franklyn&nbsp; are enough to<br>make me dizzy.&nbsp; Personally,&nbsp; I'd like to<br>know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire<br>when he got discharged from the hospital<br>the other day.&nbsp; What angle does she have<br>on the&nbsp; guy?&nbsp; Is&nbsp; getting a&nbsp; play out of<br>him that important?<br><br>Heard&nbsp; tell there&nbsp; was a lady going into<br>Cat-22 covered&nbsp; in blood,&nbsp; which doesn't<br>bode well&nbsp; for C.B. staying out of jail,<br>now,&nbsp; does it?&nbsp; Same&nbsp; person who started<br>the&nbsp; riot,&nbsp; I'm&nbsp; told,&nbsp; but&nbsp; my&nbsp; sources<br>didn't give me any names.&nbsp; Don't worry.<br>I'll keep digging.&nbsp; So will the police,<br>if what was in her bag was really as<br>suspicious as it seemed...<br><br>Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard<br>diner.&nbsp; I don't know about you, but that<br>Last Chance&nbsp; place is going to need some <br>out&nbsp; of&nbsp; this&nbsp; world delicious meals&nbsp; or <br>have&nbsp; some&nbsp; pretty fancy gimmicks to get <br>me in there to try '90s mystery meat.<br></span>
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==September 07 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>a dearth of fiery gossip.&nbsp; So sad.&nbsp; I am<br>disappointed in you all.<br><br>So is this guinea pig I heard of down at<br>our&nbsp; local Instagram&nbsp; princess'&nbsp; theatre<br>sleepover party.&nbsp; There are a few rumors<br>floating around as to&nbsp; his identity, but<br>none&nbsp; conclusive.&nbsp; The great&nbsp; guinea pig<br>remains&nbsp; a mystery.&nbsp; Superheroes used to<br>be a bit more impressive...<br><br>On&nbsp; the&nbsp; bright side,&nbsp; the slumber party<br>was a success, though I've heard several<br>reports&nbsp; of&nbsp; horrific&nbsp; nightmares since. <br>Just what was in the water?<br><br>Even better,&nbsp; our&nbsp; favorite CB is in the<br>news again.&nbsp; Seems there&nbsp; was a gas leak<br>down&nbsp; in Fort Brunsett&nbsp; at Her Majesty's<br>record&nbsp; store,&nbsp; with&nbsp; 'gnarly' (who uses<br>that word?)&nbsp; graphic gushing&nbsp; nosebleeds<br>and&nbsp; foul smells.&nbsp; Does CB just like the<br>sight of blood?&nbsp; He's been&nbsp; in two riots<br>that&nbsp; I'm&nbsp; aware&nbsp; of,&nbsp; he&nbsp; firebombed&nbsp; a<br>police&nbsp; station,&nbsp; &nbsp;and&nbsp; now&nbsp; this.&nbsp; &nbsp;Mr.<br>Alexander,&nbsp; Tamarack Falls would like to<br>know.<br><br>Are you a vampire?<br></span>
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==September 14 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at<br>last,&nbsp; another&nbsp; rumor about our favorite<br>bookstore&nbsp; owner.&nbsp; I&nbsp; have&nbsp; it&nbsp; on&nbsp; good<br>authority that&nbsp; he was&nbsp; seen walking out<br>of&nbsp; a local bar with a lovely redhead on<br>his&nbsp; arm.&nbsp; Bill's&nbsp; Bar, to&nbsp; be&nbsp; precise. <br>If&nbsp; anyone's&nbsp; keeping track of the women<br>in his&nbsp; life, let&nbsp; me&nbsp; know,&nbsp; because at<br>this point I've lost count!<br><br>Adorkable is in,&nbsp; ladies.&nbsp; Catch&nbsp; him if<br>you can.<br><br>Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob<br>quarterback Simon Desrochers&nbsp; may or may<br>not&nbsp; have been invited to try out for&nbsp; a <br>certain&nbsp; very famous football team which<br>surely&nbsp; none&nbsp; of us will guess.&nbsp; You go,<br>boy!&nbsp; Won't convince&nbsp; Suzie&nbsp; you weren't<br>necking with Annette in the back seat on<br>the way out to practice, though.<br><br>I've been practicing a bit, myself.&nbsp; The<br>fine art of writing sonnets, however,<br>still eludes me.<br><br>Try this one on for size:<br><br>The buds of Summer bloom,&nbsp; and die,&nbsp; and<br>fade.<br>What hope has he to warm us Winter long?<br>He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but<br>staid.<br>His heart is caught in his own lonely<br>song.<br><br>The&nbsp; mountains&nbsp; sigh&nbsp; and&nbsp; shiver in the <br>cold,<br>With icy winds no mortal may resist.<br>Ignoring&nbsp; Autumn's&nbsp; stories,&nbsp; he&nbsp; &nbsp;grows<br>bold.<br>He&nbsp; questions,&nbsp; begs&nbsp; and&nbsp; threatens&nbsp; to <br>persist.<br><br>How&nbsp; then&nbsp; shall&nbsp; we&nbsp; treat a&nbsp; heart&nbsp; so <br>sure?<br>So&nbsp; certain,&nbsp; firm&nbsp; and&nbsp; faithful to his<br>truth?<br>It&nbsp; trembles,&nbsp; &nbsp;quakes&nbsp; and&nbsp; quivers&nbsp; to <br>immure<br>The&nbsp; &nbsp;friendly&nbsp; &nbsp;public's&nbsp; &nbsp;foibles&nbsp; &nbsp;as <br>uncouth.<br><br>It&nbsp; does&nbsp; him little good to hold aloof.<br>For me, I only hope we're fireproof.<br><br>--<br><br>Woo me with poetry,&nbsp; not with abuse,&nbsp; my <br>darling Alexander.&nbsp; Until we meet again.<br></span>
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==September 21 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not<br>currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-<br>der&nbsp; threw&nbsp; a bit&nbsp; of biological warfare<br>in through my&nbsp; living&nbsp; room&nbsp; window.&nbsp; It<br>was a good window, too.<br><br>More importantly,&nbsp; you&nbsp; left your finger<br>prints all over it, kid.&nbsp; Already talked<br>to&nbsp; the&nbsp; deputy.&nbsp; Your parents have been<br>informed.&nbsp; Please don't do that again. I<br>won't mention it if you don't.<br><br>Now,&nbsp; my&nbsp; columns&nbsp; will be written a bit <br>more slowly until this arm heals,&nbsp; but I<br>do apologize&nbsp; for&nbsp; missing&nbsp; last&nbsp; week's<br>deadline.&nbsp; Cows wait for no man.&nbsp; Or me.<br>Obviously.&nbsp; If you don't know&nbsp; what&nbsp; I'm<br>talking&nbsp; about,&nbsp; &nbsp;ask&nbsp; Green.&nbsp; Shh.&nbsp; She<br>doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'<br><br>Now&nbsp; down&nbsp; to business.&nbsp; I've heard tell<br>that our local tea witch Avalon has been<br>making a lot&nbsp; of trips down to the river<br>lately.&nbsp; Point&nbsp; in fact,&nbsp; I've got three<br>separate&nbsp; eye&nbsp; witnesses attesting&nbsp; that<br>she's&nbsp; wandered&nbsp; on&nbsp; home&nbsp; soaked to the<br>bone three&nbsp; times in&nbsp; the past few weeks<br>alone.<br><br>Lonnie,&nbsp; are&nbsp; you&nbsp; trying&nbsp; to catch your<br>death?<br><br>It doesn't run fast.&nbsp; Definitely&nbsp; not as<br>fast as the Tam.&nbsp; Slower than Kip,&nbsp; too,<br>once&nbsp; word gets out.&nbsp; Just&nbsp; what&nbsp; WAS he<br>doing&nbsp; in&nbsp; that&nbsp; lingerie store, anyway?<br>Shopkeepers&nbsp; said&nbsp; he&nbsp; was&nbsp; in&nbsp; the male<br>section for half&nbsp; an&nbsp; hour, but wouldn't<br>tell&nbsp; my sources what he bought.&nbsp; More's<br>the pity.<br></span>
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==September 28 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; I&nbsp; learned<br>that I am getting old.&nbsp; A nice young man<br>from out of&nbsp; town insisted on helping me<br>walk&nbsp; across&nbsp; the&nbsp; street.&nbsp; Hopefully he<br>gets his&nbsp; Boy Scouts merit badge for it.<br>Thanks for making 40 feel like 80,&nbsp; kid.<br>I&nbsp; hope I meet&nbsp; a boy&nbsp; like you when I'm<br>really aged and decrepit.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of kids,&nbsp; I&nbsp; heard through the<br>grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused<br>some&nbsp; local drama at a children's birth-<br>day&nbsp; party.&nbsp; Sounds&nbsp; like&nbsp; a kid started<br>using&nbsp; pepper spray&nbsp; on&nbsp; the&nbsp; clown&nbsp; and<br>quoting some very inappropriate language<br>which&nbsp; I won't repeat in print.&nbsp; A local<br>Japanese magician's said to have stepped<br>in to take over, so kudos on not getting<br>Maced.<br><br>Violence is&nbsp; otherwise&nbsp; the&nbsp; theme de la<br>semaine.&nbsp; Got&nbsp; some&nbsp; very&nbsp; confused cows<br>thanks&nbsp; to&nbsp; the tippers&nbsp; out in the west <br>valley,&nbsp; more&nbsp; broken&nbsp; windows&nbsp; (thanks,<br>Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges<br>heading toward eastbank.&nbsp; Joy,&nbsp; Wendell,<br>you should know better.&nbsp; You should also<br>be more&nbsp; careful&nbsp; about setting lookouts<br>to warn you that someone's sitting there<br>having a morning coffee while you paint.<br><br>On a brighter note,&nbsp; I hear tell Candace<br>Malbury and&nbsp; Richard&nbsp; Miller were having<br>a&nbsp; grand old time while prepping for the<br>town's harvest fair yesterday...<br><br>I never knew you could do so much with a<br>single ear&nbsp; of&nbsp; corn.&nbsp; Never&nbsp; wanted to,<br>either.&nbsp; You&nbsp; may&nbsp; have&nbsp; scarred&nbsp; me for<br>life,&nbsp; but&nbsp; what&nbsp; do I know?&nbsp; I'm an old<br>lady who needs help crossing a street.<br></span>
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==October 05 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK<br>in&nbsp; the&nbsp; limelight,&nbsp; people.&nbsp; I have not<br>one, not two, but THREE separate sources<br>citing&nbsp; fascinating little tidbits about<br>our favourite lady-charmer.<br><br>Charming to us, perhaps.<br><br>I&nbsp; hear tell that&nbsp; he left Cyclone&nbsp; in a<br>nasty&nbsp; mood&nbsp; the&nbsp; other&nbsp; night.&nbsp; Lovers'<br>quarrel?&nbsp; Why&nbsp; pay&nbsp; for beer&nbsp; when Paige<br>would give it to him free?<br><br>Maybe she's just jealous of his success,<br>assuming&nbsp; he really IS the secret author<br>of&nbsp; the Haris&nbsp; brother books.&nbsp; Rumor is,<br>the&nbsp; author&nbsp; is&nbsp; a&nbsp; local.&nbsp; Kip, are you<br>Nathalia Daring?&nbsp; You're concealing your<br>secret&nbsp; passion&nbsp; &nbsp;for&nbsp; &nbsp;C.B.&nbsp; Alexander,<br>according&nbsp; to&nbsp; a number&nbsp; of sources, and<br>you&nbsp; do&nbsp; seem to have&nbsp; a large number of<br>these delightfully torrid novels in your<br>stock.&nbsp; Tell all!<br><br>Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage<br>Books&nbsp; sure&nbsp; has a doozy.&nbsp; A brown paper <br>package&nbsp; addressed&nbsp; to&nbsp; the bookshop was <br>accidentally&nbsp; left at&nbsp; the&nbsp; real&nbsp; estate <br>agency&nbsp; on&nbsp; South&nbsp; Main&nbsp; and&nbsp; Mill,&nbsp; and <br>hoo boy, those girls got a surprise!&nbsp; No<br>brochures,&nbsp; but&nbsp; there&nbsp; was definitely a <br>ball-gag,&nbsp; an&nbsp; eight&nbsp; foot long bullwhip <br>with a mighty interesting handle,&nbsp; and a <br>single&nbsp; copy&nbsp; of&nbsp; '212 Step Guide to the <br>Art of Masculine Domination'&nbsp; signed&nbsp; by <br>the&nbsp; author with the personalisation of: <br>"You can do it, buddy!".&nbsp; Apparently the <br>girls&nbsp; at&nbsp; the estate agency just didn't <br>know what to do.&nbsp; Maybe they were scared <br>the&nbsp; proprietor&nbsp; next&nbsp; door&nbsp; would&nbsp; love <br>their neighbour as they love themselves.<br><br>Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither<br>Nancy Drew&nbsp; nor&nbsp; Jessica Fletcher, but I<br>do&nbsp; appreciate the intimation that 40 is<br>still&nbsp; below the aged and decrepit line.<br>You're&nbsp; welcome to&nbsp; help me&nbsp; across&nbsp; the<br>street any day, handsome.<br></span>
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==October 12 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we&nbsp; have a<br>few relationship squabbles and a few odd<br>events, but let's get to the juicy stuff<br>first.<br><br>Number One:&nbsp; Jason Weatherby,&nbsp; don't you<br>know by now not to go slicking your wick<br>in places it shouldn't go?<br><br>Number Two:&nbsp; Anita and Josephine&nbsp; aren't<br>your type, George.&nbsp; Trust me. The&nbsp; words<br>I&nbsp; have&nbsp; refrained from&nbsp; printing&nbsp; about<br>you on account&nbsp; of&nbsp; your papa being nice<br>to me in high school...<br><br>Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy<br>little fox.&nbsp; I didn't know you had it in<br>you.&nbsp; You go girl!<br><br>Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all<br>get to play at being fair maidens (well,<br>some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah<br>darling) soon.&nbsp; I heard tell that const-<br>ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is<br>going to be a perpetual jousting tourney<br>and such.&nbsp; Costumes&nbsp; and riding lessons,<br>sword&nbsp; fighting,&nbsp; and&nbsp; possibly&nbsp; a polar<br>bear, though&nbsp; I&nbsp; personally&nbsp; suspect&nbsp; my<br>source&nbsp; had had a bit&nbsp; too&nbsp; much&nbsp; of the <br>aqua vitae.<br><br>Have to&nbsp; wonder&nbsp; if&nbsp; our local Instagram<br>princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit&nbsp; too<br>much to drink, herself.&nbsp; I've heard from<br>six sources, now, that she was seen down<br>in&nbsp; our&nbsp; favourite&nbsp; Alexander's&nbsp; Cat-22, <br>barely dressed, laughing and humming and<br>writing who knows what down. Whatever it<br>was, we'll never know,&nbsp; too, because I'm<br>told&nbsp; a&nbsp; fellow (fella? sources couldn't<br>decide) named&nbsp; Teagan&nbsp; took a bat to the<br>table, then shredded it all.<br><br>Franky, Franky.&nbsp; What are you doing?<br><br>You're supposed&nbsp; to&nbsp; date&nbsp; that&nbsp; charmer<br>Amanda,&nbsp; not&nbsp; give C.B.&nbsp; more reasons to<br>give our fine officers hot feet.<br><br>It&nbsp; does&nbsp; seem&nbsp; Green's&nbsp; got&nbsp; herself at <br>least one admirer, even if it isn't you.<br>Heard&nbsp; tell&nbsp; there was a&nbsp; fine&nbsp; Japanese<br>gentleman&nbsp; wandering&nbsp; around&nbsp; drugged to<br>the gills and rambling love poems.<br><br>Then again,&nbsp; the way this town is going,<br>maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,<br>do tell.&nbsp; Do you like your&nbsp; men all soft<br>and mumbly?<br></span>
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==October 19 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;don't<br>need&nbsp;our&nbsp;jackets&nbsp;&nbsp;much;&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;summer&nbsp;all<br>over&nbsp;again.&nbsp;&nbsp;Whichever&nbsp;of&nbsp;you's&nbsp;whisper<br>ing&nbsp;sweet&nbsp;nothings&nbsp;into&nbsp;Autumn's&nbsp;ears,&nbsp;I<br>hope&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;explain&nbsp;&nbsp;yourself&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;<br>forsythia.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;not&nbsp;even&nbsp;close&nbsp;to&nbsp;being<br>Spring,&nbsp;and&nbsp;my&nbsp;poor,&nbsp;confused&nbsp;bushes&nbsp;are<br>trying&nbsp;their&nbsp;utmost&nbsp;to&nbsp;bloom.<br><br>Emily's&nbsp;&nbsp;blooming&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kudos,&nbsp;<br>kiddo.&nbsp;&nbsp;Congratulations&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;scholar<br>ship.<br><br>Kudos&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;stranger&nbsp;named&nbsp;Ziv&nbsp;as&nbsp;well,<br>and&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;sure&nbsp;Crumpet&nbsp;would&nbsp;thank&nbsp;her&nbsp;if<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;dog&nbsp;could&nbsp;talk.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;few<br>folks&nbsp;chitter-chattering&nbsp;away&nbsp;about&nbsp;her<br>heroic&nbsp;stormdrain&nbsp;pup&nbsp;rescue&nbsp;services.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;only&nbsp;somebody&nbsp;could&nbsp;rescue&nbsp;our<br>darling&nbsp;Bill's&nbsp;&nbsp;head.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;Scouts&nbsp;tried<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;honor&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;guy&nbsp;by&nbsp;hanging&nbsp;up&nbsp;a&nbsp;sign<br>above&nbsp;the&nbsp;doorway&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;bar,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;some<br>kid&nbsp;obviously&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;done&nbsp;his&nbsp;carpentry<br>merit&nbsp;badge&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;account&nbsp;of&nbsp;how&nbsp;the<br>nails&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;really&nbsp;holding&nbsp;that&nbsp;thing<br>to&nbsp;the&nbsp;wall...<br><br>Don't&nbsp;&nbsp;worry.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;mild&nbsp;oak-induced<br>concussion.&nbsp;&nbsp;He's&nbsp;cussing&nbsp;alright,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>fit&nbsp;to&nbsp;spit&nbsp;nails.&nbsp;&nbsp;Not&nbsp;literally.&nbsp;They<br>didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;hit&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;mouth.&nbsp;&nbsp;Bet&nbsp;he'd&nbsp;look<br>fantastic&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;nose&nbsp;piercing&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;on<br>through&nbsp;the&nbsp;new&nbsp;holes&nbsp;there,&nbsp;though.<br>
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==October 26 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;get&nbsp;the<br>delightful&nbsp;chance&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;marvel&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;human<br>stupidity.&nbsp;&nbsp;Harold&nbsp;&nbsp;Lehrman,&nbsp;&nbsp;did&nbsp;I&nbsp;tell<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;did&nbsp;I&nbsp;not&nbsp;that&nbsp;you'd&nbsp;regret&nbsp;that<br>chainsaw&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;left&nbsp;on&nbsp;your&nbsp;floor?&nbsp;&nbsp;Thank<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;later&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;name&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>paper.<br><br>Amanda&nbsp;Green,&nbsp;you&nbsp;shameless&nbsp;minx.&nbsp;&nbsp;Don't<br>you&nbsp;think&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;won't&nbsp;repeat&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;did<br>your&nbsp;&nbsp;entire&nbsp;show&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;dishabille.&nbsp;Beyond<br>it,&nbsp;even.&nbsp;&nbsp;Stealing&nbsp;hearts&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;pretty<br>voice&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;lovely...smile.<br><br>We've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;ourselves&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;vorpal&nbsp;playing<br>card,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;and&nbsp;this&nbsp;author&nbsp;wonders&nbsp;about<br>the&nbsp;timing&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;King&nbsp;of&nbsp;Hearts,&nbsp;&nbsp;given<br>poor&nbsp;Kip's&nbsp;freshly&nbsp;single&nbsp;status.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;got<br>it&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe,&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;own<br>self,&nbsp;from&nbsp;his&nbsp;very&nbsp;own&nbsp;lips.<br>
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<br>Surely&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;can't&nbsp;&nbsp;blame&nbsp;him,&nbsp;&nbsp;then,&nbsp;&nbsp;for<br>being&nbsp;seen&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;night&nbsp;leaving&nbsp;with<br>not&nbsp;one,&nbsp;but&nbsp;two&nbsp;unknown&nbsp;ladies,&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;of<br>them&nbsp;drunk&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;skunk.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;he&nbsp;was<br>going&nbsp;back&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;hotel&nbsp;with&nbsp;them,&nbsp;but&nbsp;for<br>what,&nbsp;I&nbsp;wonder?<br><br>This&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;time&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;of<br>Kip&nbsp;going&nbsp;off&nbsp;with&nbsp;someone,&nbsp;either.&nbsp;Why,<br>just&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;last&nbsp;few&nbsp;weeks,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell<br>he&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;C.B.&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;drove&nbsp;&nbsp;off&nbsp;&nbsp;alone<br>to&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;'something'&nbsp;together.&nbsp;&nbsp;C.B.&nbsp;&nbsp;went<br>off&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;Instagram&nbsp;Princess<br>Franklyn&nbsp;Garreau,&nbsp;too.<br><br>Busy,&nbsp;busy,&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Alexander.<br><br>Point&nbsp;in&nbsp;fact,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;you&nbsp;picked&nbsp;a<br>fight&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;and&nbsp;went&nbsp;out&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;east&nbsp;&nbsp;bank&nbsp;dressed&nbsp;like&nbsp;some&nbsp;kind&nbsp;of<br>tie-dyed&nbsp;female&nbsp;royalty.&nbsp;Is&nbsp;the&nbsp;pressure<br>too&nbsp;much?&nbsp;&nbsp;When's&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;next&nbsp;book&nbsp;due&nbsp;to<br>be&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;published?&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;need&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;help<br>with&nbsp;relaxation&nbsp;techniques,&nbsp;talk&nbsp;to&nbsp;Anne<br>Harlin.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;Reverend&nbsp;says&nbsp;SHE&nbsp;can&nbsp;sleep<br>just&nbsp;about&nbsp;anywhere...<br>
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==November 2 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;Rebecca&nbsp;has<br>asked&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;clarify&nbsp;that&nbsp;she&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;minxy<br>BIG&nbsp;fox,&nbsp;in&nbsp;search&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;BIG&nbsp;man,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;you<br>know&nbsp;what&nbsp;she&nbsp;means.<br><br>Don't&nbsp;I&nbsp;wish&nbsp;I&nbsp;did.<br><br>Saw&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;couple&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;hikers&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;other&nbsp;day&nbsp;<br>heading&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;Mischance&nbsp;with,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;kid&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>not,&nbsp;&nbsp;ten&nbsp;dogs.&nbsp;&nbsp;Ten.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;counted&nbsp;&nbsp;three<br>times.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;were&nbsp;they&nbsp;planning&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;do?<br>Wait&nbsp;until&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;snowed&nbsp;and&nbsp;run&nbsp;a&nbsp;Tamarack<br>Iditarod?<br><br>I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;a<br>hard&nbsp;enough&nbsp;&nbsp;time&nbsp;&nbsp;keeping&nbsp;a&nbsp;house&nbsp;plant<br>alive,&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;less&nbsp;(almost)&nbsp;a&nbsp;dozen&nbsp;dogs.<br>Kudos,&nbsp;strangers.&nbsp;Emphasis&nbsp;on&nbsp;strange.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;strange,&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;you&nbsp;seen&nbsp;that<br>glittery&nbsp;&nbsp;purple&nbsp;&nbsp;balloon&nbsp;lately?&nbsp;&nbsp;Watch<br>out,&nbsp;&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;pilot.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;winds&nbsp;over&nbsp;the<br>waterfall&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;tricky.&nbsp;&nbsp;My&nbsp;youthful<br>admirers&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;believe&nbsp;it&nbsp;of&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;but<br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;once&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;ballooning&nbsp;&nbsp;champ&nbsp;&nbsp;for<br>three&nbsp;&nbsp;years&nbsp;running,&nbsp;&nbsp;until&nbsp;I&nbsp;took&nbsp;this<br>arrow&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;knee.<br><br>On&nbsp;a&nbsp;more&nbsp;heartwarming&nbsp;note&nbsp;(or&nbsp;not,&nbsp;&nbsp;if<br>you're&nbsp;a&nbsp;Scrooge&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;George),&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;group<br>of&nbsp;newcomers&nbsp;&nbsp;went&nbsp;out&nbsp;and&nbsp;visited&nbsp;folks<br>at&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Hospital&nbsp;this&nbsp;past&nbsp;&nbsp;Tuesday<br>for&nbsp;Halloween.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>No&nbsp;police&nbsp;were&nbsp;called,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;safe&nbsp;to<br>say&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;whatever&nbsp;else&nbsp;they&nbsp;did,&nbsp;&nbsp;they<br>didn't&nbsp;scare&nbsp;children&nbsp;to&nbsp;death.<br><br>Seriously,&nbsp;that&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;really&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;deed,<br>folks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Keep&nbsp;it&nbsp;up.<br><br>You&nbsp;too,&nbsp;big&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;man.<br>
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==November 9 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we've&nbsp;had&nbsp;a<br>fair&nbsp;number&nbsp;of&nbsp;nippy&nbsp;days,&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;we?&nbsp;I<br>would&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;minded&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;cuddle&nbsp;up&nbsp;beside&nbsp;my<br>fire&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;book&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;not&nbsp;come&nbsp;&nbsp;out<br>until&nbsp;Spring&nbsp;thaw,&nbsp;but&nbsp;how&nbsp;could&nbsp;I&nbsp;poss-<br>ibly&nbsp;miss&nbsp;&nbsp;gems&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;Eddie&nbsp;Mayer&nbsp;trying<br>out&nbsp;his&nbsp;rollerskates&nbsp;down&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street?<br><br>Note,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;did&nbsp;say&nbsp;trying,&nbsp;not&nbsp;succeeding.<br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;bright&nbsp;&nbsp;side,&nbsp;at&nbsp;least&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;didn't<br>bleed&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;EVERY&nbsp;pole&nbsp;in&nbsp;town...<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;bleeding,&nbsp;have&nbsp;you&nbsp;seen&nbsp;that<br>new&nbsp;&nbsp;body&nbsp;mod&nbsp;&nbsp;shop&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;city?&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>hear&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;none&nbsp;other&nbsp;than&nbsp;&nbsp;Winny&nbsp;Wilson<br>opened&nbsp;the&nbsp;place&nbsp;up,&nbsp;complete&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;pig.<br>I&nbsp;hadn't&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;of&nbsp;him,&nbsp;&nbsp;scars&nbsp;not&nbsp;being<br>my&nbsp;specialty,&nbsp;but&nbsp;a&nbsp;Johnny&nbsp;Drexel&nbsp;&nbsp;seems&nbsp;<br>to&nbsp;be&nbsp;sporting&nbsp;his&nbsp;own&nbsp;artwork&nbsp;something<br>fierce.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Don't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;going&nbsp;to<br>avoid&nbsp;bleeding&nbsp;for&nbsp;art.<br><br>Bleeding&nbsp;for&nbsp;gossip,&nbsp;now,&nbsp;that&nbsp;I&nbsp;will&nbsp;do<br>
+
with&nbsp;&nbsp;pleasure.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;dreadful&nbsp;paper<br>cut&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;Treasurer&nbsp;of<br>Fort&nbsp;&nbsp;Brunsett,&nbsp;&nbsp;Molly&nbsp;&nbsp;Crowley-Utridge,&nbsp;<br>was&nbsp;decidedly&nbsp;unwidowly&nbsp;at&nbsp;a&nbsp;dinner&nbsp;with<br>a&nbsp;very&nbsp;nicely&nbsp;dressed&nbsp;Native&nbsp;fellow.&nbsp;&nbsp;My<br>sources&nbsp;say&nbsp;the&nbsp;man&nbsp;was&nbsp;one&nbsp;Malaki&nbsp;Gray-<br>wolf.&nbsp;&nbsp;Is&nbsp;Molly&nbsp;looking&nbsp;to&nbsp;add&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;second<br>hyphenation&nbsp;to&nbsp;her&nbsp;mouthful&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;name?<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;think&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;the<br>mouthfuls&nbsp;Ms.&nbsp;Mina&nbsp;Grey&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;having.<br>Ballerina&nbsp;&nbsp;food&nbsp;is&nbsp;rabbit&nbsp;&nbsp;food,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;<br>heard&nbsp;from&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;that&nbsp;our&nbsp;dance<br>teacher,&nbsp;or&nbsp;someone&nbsp;who&nbsp;looks&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;like<br>her,&nbsp;was&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;social&nbsp;media&nbsp;marketing<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;Slutcracker&nbsp;in&nbsp;Somerville,&nbsp;MA.<br><br>Mina,&nbsp;Mina,&nbsp;Mina.&nbsp;We&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;dating&nbsp;Mr.<br>Alexander&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;drive&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;to<br>drink,&nbsp;but&nbsp;come&nbsp;on,&nbsp;girl.&nbsp;&nbsp;Do&nbsp;you&nbsp;really<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;give&nbsp;him&nbsp;more&nbsp;reasons&nbsp;to&nbsp;set&nbsp;the<br>world&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire?<br>
+
 
+
==November 16 2017==
+
<br>
+
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we've&nbsp;had&nbsp;a<br>request&nbsp;from&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;Haruki&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;shout-out<br>about&nbsp;his&nbsp;brother&nbsp;Itsuki's&nbsp;birthday.&nbsp;How<br>can&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;refuse,&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;comes&nbsp;with&nbsp;such<br>charming&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;wishes&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;lack&nbsp;of<br>disappearance?<br><br>Don't&nbsp;worry,&nbsp;kid.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;went&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;Tuesday.<br><br>In&nbsp;other&nbsp;news,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;learned&nbsp;that&nbsp;First<br>Snow&nbsp;&nbsp;holly&nbsp;&nbsp;sprigs&nbsp;&nbsp;make&nbsp;&nbsp;exceptionally<br>poor&nbsp;seat&nbsp;&nbsp;cushions.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;never<br>had&nbsp;spiny&nbsp;leaves&nbsp;&nbsp;jabbing&nbsp;into&nbsp;your&nbsp;bony<br>patoot,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;highly&nbsp;&nbsp;recommend&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>avoid&nbsp;the&nbsp;experience.<br><br>Yes,&nbsp;I&nbsp;went&nbsp;and&nbsp;picked&nbsp;another&nbsp;sprig...<br><br>Eddie&nbsp;&nbsp;Mayer&nbsp;has&nbsp;asked&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;correct&nbsp;my<br>previous&nbsp;&nbsp;column.&nbsp;&nbsp;My&nbsp;apologies,&nbsp;&nbsp;Eddie.<br>You&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;&nbsp;landing&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;tush&nbsp;at&nbsp;the<br>corner&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;Mill,&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;<br>just&nbsp;&nbsp;Main&nbsp;&nbsp;Street.&nbsp;&nbsp;Thank&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;the<br>tip!<br><br>Have&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;seen&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;prep&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;parade<br>this&nbsp;weekend?&nbsp;&nbsp;Got&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;streamers&nbsp;up&nbsp;and<br>turkeys&nbsp;&nbsp;everywhere.&nbsp;&nbsp;Gotta&nbsp;&nbsp;wonder&nbsp;what<br>aliens&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;think&nbsp;of&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;saw<br>it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Are&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;cultists&nbsp;&nbsp;celebrating&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;our<br>(delicious)&nbsp;gobbly&nbsp;god?<br><br>What's&nbsp;YOUR&nbsp;favorite&nbsp;Thanksgiving&nbsp;food?<br><br>Mine's&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;mashed&nbsp;potatoes.<br>Get&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;cream&nbsp;in&nbsp;while&nbsp;you&nbsp;mash,&nbsp;&nbsp;some<br>butter,&nbsp;salt...&nbsp;Mmmmm.&nbsp;&nbsp;Add&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;splash<br>of&nbsp;gravy,&nbsp;and&nbsp;you're&nbsp;golden.<br><br>So&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;wallets&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;emergency<br>services&nbsp;after&nbsp;fixing&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;food-induced<br>heart&nbsp;&nbsp;attack,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;possible&nbsp;&nbsp;death&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;<br>nothing&nbsp;when&nbsp;compared&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;mash.<br>
+
 
+
 
+
==November 23 2017==
+
No column!  Thanksgiving.
+
 
+
 
+
==November 30 2017==
+
<br>
+
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>
+
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we've&nbsp;had&nbsp;a<br>
+
good&nbsp;vacation&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;reality,&nbsp;&nbsp;thanks&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>
+
Thanksgiving&nbsp;(sorry,&nbsp;&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;calories&nbsp;do<br>
+
still&nbsp;&nbsp;count&nbsp;on&nbsp;holidays;&nbsp;my&nbsp;scale&nbsp;won't<br>
+
lie),&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;family&nbsp;&nbsp;time&nbsp;makes&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;GREAT<br>
+
gossip.&nbsp;<br>
+
<br>
+
Let's&nbsp;get&nbsp;started!<br>
+
<br>
+
Jack,&nbsp;&nbsp;Jack,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;know&nbsp;you&nbsp;don't&nbsp;do&nbsp;well<br>
+
with&nbsp;&nbsp;wine.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;maudlin&nbsp;song&nbsp;prize&nbsp;goes<br>
+
to&nbsp;you,&nbsp;for&nbsp;certain&nbsp;sure.&nbsp;&nbsp;Next&nbsp;time,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>
+
want&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;recorder&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;me.&nbsp;&nbsp;That&nbsp;&nbsp;stuff<br>
+
would&nbsp;sell!<br>
+
<br>
+
The&nbsp;exploding&nbsp;turkey&nbsp;prize&nbsp;has&nbsp;got&nbsp;to&nbsp;go<br>
+
to&nbsp;Betsy&nbsp;Mayer.&nbsp;&nbsp;Bets,&nbsp;this&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;third<br>
+
year&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;row.&nbsp;&nbsp;How&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;even&nbsp;DO&nbsp;that?<br>
+
<br>
+
Jacob&nbsp;Hennessey&nbsp;gets&nbsp;the&nbsp;'Belongs&nbsp;in&nbsp;One<br>
+
of&nbsp;the&nbsp;Final&nbsp;Destination&nbsp;Movies'&nbsp;&nbsp;prize,<br>
+
because&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;something<br>
+
like&nbsp;this&nbsp;could&nbsp;happen&nbsp;without&nbsp;cinematic<br>
+
magic&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;help&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;along.&nbsp;&nbsp;From&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;I<br>
+
heard,&nbsp;it&nbsp;went&nbsp;something&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;this:&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>
+
kid&nbsp;&nbsp;tripped&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;a&nbsp;chicken,&nbsp;which&nbsp;flew<br>
+
into&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;mama's&nbsp;&nbsp;patoot,&nbsp;which&nbsp;made&nbsp;her<br>
+
jerk&nbsp;her&nbsp;arm&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;meat&nbsp;she&nbsp;was&nbsp;<br>
+
butchering,&nbsp;and&nbsp;because&nbsp;her&nbsp;hand&nbsp;was&nbsp;wet<br>
+
the&nbsp;&nbsp;knife&nbsp;slipped&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;and&nbsp;cut&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;cord&nbsp;<br>
+
holding&nbsp;the&nbsp;oil&nbsp;lamp&nbsp;the&nbsp;kid's&nbsp;older&nbsp;sis<br>
+
had&nbsp;hung&nbsp;up&nbsp;there&nbsp;for&nbsp;extra&nbsp;light,&nbsp;which<br>
+
fell&nbsp;and&nbsp;broke&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;spilled&nbsp;burning&nbsp;&nbsp;oil<br>
+
every&nbsp;which&nbsp;way,&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;set&nbsp;mama's&nbsp;pants<br>
+
on&nbsp;&nbsp;fire,&nbsp;which&nbsp;sent&nbsp;mama&nbsp;running&nbsp;out&nbsp;to<br>
+
start&nbsp;stripping&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;barnyard&nbsp;with&nbsp;the<br>
+
chickens,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;prompted&nbsp;Jacob's&nbsp;sudden<br>
+
coronary&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;subsequent&nbsp;helicopter&nbsp;ride<br>
+
to&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Hospital.<br>
+
<br>
+
Now&nbsp;THAT&nbsp;is&nbsp;an&nbsp;evening.<br>
+
<br>
+
Don't&nbsp;worry,&nbsp;Jake's&nbsp;fine.&nbsp;&nbsp;Suzette's&nbsp;all<br>
+
right&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;chicken&nbsp;made&nbsp;a&nbsp;good<br>
+
supper.<br>
+
<br>
+
In&nbsp;less&nbsp;flammable&nbsp;news,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;that<br>
+
Aspire&nbsp;place&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett&nbsp;may<br>
+
be&nbsp;getting&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;owner.&nbsp;Reliable&nbsp;sources<br>
+
inform&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;Johnny&nbsp;Drexel&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;been<br>
+
seen&nbsp;&nbsp;puttering&nbsp;around&nbsp;the&nbsp;lobby&nbsp;through<br>
+
the&nbsp;windows.&nbsp;&nbsp;Does&nbsp;he&nbsp;need&nbsp;that&nbsp;much&nbsp;new<br>
+
space&nbsp;to&nbsp;cut&nbsp;holes&nbsp;in&nbsp;people?<br>
+
<br>
+
Time&nbsp;will&nbsp;tell.&nbsp;&nbsp;Also&nbsp;&nbsp;lawyers.&nbsp;&nbsp;Lawyers<br>
+
are&nbsp;really&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;slicing<br>
+
people&nbsp;up.&nbsp;&nbsp;I,&nbsp;for&nbsp;one,&nbsp;plan&nbsp;to&nbsp;stay&nbsp;far<br>
+
away.<br>
+
 
+
 
+
==December 7 2017==
+
No column!
+
 
+
 
+
==December 14 2017==
+
<br>
+
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>
+
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>
+
great&nbsp;&nbsp;big&nbsp;thank&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;to&nbsp;whichever&nbsp;witch<br>
+
up&nbsp;and&nbsp;decided&nbsp;to&nbsp;curse&nbsp;me&nbsp;last&nbsp;week.<br>
+
<br>
+
Mr.&nbsp;Alexander,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;hiring&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;to<br>
+
set&nbsp;a&nbsp;fire.<br>
+
<br>
+
If&nbsp;any&nbsp;of&nbsp;you&nbsp;have&nbsp;never&nbsp;felt&nbsp;the&nbsp;lovely<br>
+
after-effects&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;concussion,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;most<br>
+
heartily&nbsp;commend&nbsp;you&nbsp;for&nbsp;your&nbsp;choices&nbsp;in<br>
+
life&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;wish&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;could&nbsp;go&nbsp;&nbsp;back&nbsp;to&nbsp;join<br>
+
your&nbsp;club.<br>
+
<br>
+
Let's&nbsp;see,&nbsp;now.&nbsp;&nbsp;Last&nbsp;week,&nbsp;I&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;note<br>
+
from&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;Japanese&nbsp;magician&nbsp;that&nbsp;it<br>
+
was&nbsp;C.B.&nbsp;Alexander's&nbsp;birthday,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;asks<br>
+
that&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;send&nbsp;&nbsp;him&nbsp;a&nbsp;birthday&nbsp;message&nbsp;to,<br>
+
I&nbsp;quote,&nbsp;cheer&nbsp;him&nbsp;up.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br>
+
<br>
+
Haruki,&nbsp;kid,&nbsp;you're&nbsp;sweet.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;wants<br>
+
free&nbsp;advertising&nbsp;for&nbsp;his&nbsp;book,&nbsp;he&nbsp;should<br>
+
scream&nbsp;at&nbsp;me&nbsp;some&nbsp;more&nbsp;and&nbsp;post&nbsp;a&nbsp;letter<br>
+
to&nbsp;the&nbsp;editor.&nbsp;&nbsp;That's&nbsp;always&nbsp;fun.<br>
+
<br>
+
How's&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;holiday&nbsp;&nbsp;planning&nbsp;going?&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>
+
hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;Mayor&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;has&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;unex-<br>
+
pected&nbsp;visitors&nbsp;lately.&nbsp;&nbsp;Lost&nbsp;relations?<br>
+
Do&nbsp;tell,&nbsp;Mayor!<br>
+
<br>
+
Nancy&nbsp;Thackeray&nbsp;sure&nbsp;lost&nbsp;something&nbsp;this<br>
+
weekend,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;she&nbsp;&nbsp;won't&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;it<br>
+
back&nbsp;for&nbsp;at&nbsp;least&nbsp;another&nbsp;eighteen&nbsp;years<br>
+
by&nbsp;my&nbsp;reckoning.&nbsp;&nbsp;Congratulations,&nbsp;mama.<br>
+
Hope&nbsp;you&nbsp;don't&nbsp;mind&nbsp;sleep&nbsp;loss.&nbsp;&nbsp;It&nbsp;just<br>
+
gets&nbsp;worse&nbsp;the&nbsp;more&nbsp;you&nbsp;have,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told.<br>
+
<br>
+
This,&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;readers,&nbsp;is&nbsp;why&nbsp;I&nbsp;am,&nbsp;and&nbsp;plan<br>
+
to&nbsp;remain,&nbsp;single.&nbsp;&nbsp;Menopause&nbsp;can't&nbsp;come<br>
+
soon&nbsp;enough.<br>
+
<br>
+
Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;marriage&nbsp;and&nbsp;children,&nbsp;&nbsp;our<br>
+
very&nbsp;own&nbsp;Amanda&nbsp;Green&nbsp;has&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;tid-<br>
+
bits&nbsp;floating&nbsp;&nbsp;around&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;a&nbsp;big&nbsp;to-do<br>
+
wedding&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;own.&nbsp;&nbsp;Who's&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;lucky<br>
+
partner?<br>
+
 
+
==December 21 2017==
+
<br>
+
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;the&nbsp;smith's<br>a&nbsp;busy&nbsp;busy&nbsp;bee&nbsp;out&nbsp;there.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;New&nbsp;Year<br>Nail-Up&nbsp;is&nbsp;in&nbsp;good&nbsp;swing,&nbsp;and&nbsp;clang,&nbsp;and<br>clank...<br><br>I&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;record&nbsp;number&nbsp;of<br>assistants&nbsp;this&nbsp;year.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;wonder&nbsp;why.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;also&nbsp;&nbsp;wonder&nbsp;why&nbsp;his&nbsp;latest&nbsp;assistant<br>and&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;don't&nbsp;team&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;woo&nbsp;the&nbsp;ladies,<br>because&nbsp;hoo&nbsp;&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Robin&nbsp;Collier&nbsp;has<br>an&nbsp;&nbsp;accent&nbsp;fit&nbsp;to&nbsp;make&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;fiddle&nbsp;&nbsp;dance.<br>Don't&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;me&nbsp;started&nbsp;on&nbsp;his&nbsp;eyes.<br>That&nbsp;shade&nbsp;of&nbsp;blue&nbsp;should&nbsp;be&nbsp;illegal.<br><br>Of&nbsp;course,&nbsp;he&nbsp;smokes,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;he&nbsp;looks&nbsp;like<br>he&nbsp;probably&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;seen&nbsp;the&nbsp;sun&nbsp;since&nbsp;he<br>was&nbsp;&nbsp;twelve,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;manageable<br>faults.<br><br>What&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;say,&nbsp;&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Collier?&nbsp;&nbsp;Are&nbsp;you<br>up&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;being&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;managed?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;ladies'<br>knitting&nbsp;circle&nbsp;would&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;know!<br><br>We'd&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;ghost&nbsp;cars,<br>too,&nbsp;seeing&nbsp;as&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;seems&nbsp;&nbsp;we've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;at<br>least&nbsp;one&nbsp;of&nbsp;those&nbsp;buggers&nbsp;around.&nbsp;A&nbsp;few<br>folks&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;asked&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;crash&nbsp;down&nbsp;by<br>Snake&nbsp;Creek,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;yours&nbsp;truly&nbsp;went<br>down&nbsp;to&nbsp;investigate,&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;was&nbsp;no&nbsp;trace<br>of&nbsp;it.<br><br>Maybe&nbsp;Father&nbsp;Christmas&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;sleigh&nbsp;boo<br>boo&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;practice&nbsp;runs.&nbsp;&nbsp;Keep<br>eyes&nbsp;out,&nbsp;kids.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hoofprints&nbsp;on&nbsp;your&nbsp;head<br>aren't&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;sort&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;gift&nbsp;you&nbsp;want&nbsp;this<br>weekend.<br><br>Really,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;don't.&nbsp;&nbsp;Take&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>little&nbsp;old&nbsp;lady&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;got&nbsp;stomped&nbsp;on&nbsp;by&nbsp;a<br>cow.
+
 
+
 
+
==December 28 2017==
+
 
<br>
 
<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we&nbsp;had&nbsp;our-<br>selves&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;break-in&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;grocery<br>store,&nbsp;folks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Right&nbsp;here&nbsp;in&nbsp;town,&nbsp;&nbsp;too.<br>What&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;people&nbsp;&nbsp;think&nbsp;this&nbsp;is?&nbsp;&nbsp;More&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;point,&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;earth&nbsp;were&nbsp;they&nbsp;out<br>to&nbsp;steal?&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Do&nbsp;they&nbsp;think&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;any&nbsp;money?<br><br>I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;the&nbsp;authorities&nbsp;found&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;guy<br>trapped&nbsp;&nbsp;under&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;row&nbsp;of&nbsp;fallen&nbsp;shelves,<br>with&nbsp;two&nbsp;others&nbsp;trying&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;him&nbsp;free.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;free,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;you've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;any<br>books&nbsp;for&nbsp;children,&nbsp;&nbsp;stop&nbsp;on&nbsp;in&nbsp;at&nbsp;Kip's<br>love&nbsp;nest,&nbsp;&nbsp;Homepage.&nbsp;&nbsp;He's&nbsp;collecting&nbsp;a<br>donation&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;schools&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;area,&nbsp;as<br>I&nbsp;well&nbsp;know.&nbsp;I&nbsp;gave&nbsp;him&nbsp;a&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;copy&nbsp;of<br>See&nbsp;Spot&nbsp;Run.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Run,&nbsp;Kip.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just&nbsp;run.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;don't&nbsp;want&nbsp;to<br>be&nbsp;surrounded&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;hordes&nbsp;of&nbsp;adoring<br>fangirls&nbsp;who&nbsp;will&nbsp;try&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;into&nbsp;your<br>life&nbsp;once&nbsp;they&nbsp;find&nbsp;out&nbsp;you're&nbsp;dating&nbsp;a<br>professional&nbsp;Slutcracker.&nbsp;<br><br>That's&nbsp;right.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;heard&nbsp;me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mina,&nbsp;who<br>could&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;anything&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;world,&nbsp;&nbsp;chose<br>to&nbsp;dance&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;Slutcracker,&nbsp;and&nbsp;hooey,<br>she&nbsp;looks&nbsp;darned&nbsp;good&nbsp;in&nbsp;black.&nbsp;&nbsp;You're<br>one&nbsp;fine&nbsp;dominatrix,&nbsp;girl.&nbsp;Look&nbsp;online,<br>folks,&nbsp;and&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;see&nbsp;plenty&nbsp;of&nbsp;pics&nbsp;of<br>her&nbsp;as&nbsp;'The&nbsp;Russian'...and&nbsp;of&nbsp;Mina&nbsp;with<br>Kip,&nbsp;arms&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;flowers...<br><br>Where&nbsp;are&nbsp;the&nbsp;pics&nbsp;of&nbsp;their&nbsp;tattoos,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>wonder?&nbsp;&nbsp;Sources&nbsp;&nbsp;say&nbsp;they&nbsp;were&nbsp;spotted<br>outside&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;tattoo&nbsp;parlor&nbsp;in&nbsp;Boston.<br>Together.<br><br>Tell&nbsp;me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Do&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;more&nbsp;matrimony&nbsp;in<br>our&nbsp;&nbsp;future,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;desperate<br>attempt&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;drum&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;business&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>failing&nbsp;bookstore?&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;darling,&nbsp;rabid<br>readers&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;know.&nbsp;How&nbsp;DO&nbsp;you&nbsp;do&nbsp;it?<br><br>With&nbsp;leather,&nbsp;it&nbsp;seems.&nbsp;&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;Trudy&nbsp;was<br>walking&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;Homepage&nbsp;just&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;other<br>day&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;overheard&nbsp;this&nbsp;hunk&nbsp;of&nbsp;a<br>prince&nbsp;&nbsp;talking&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;girl&nbsp;with&nbsp;too<br>much&nbsp;&nbsp;hair&nbsp;&nbsp;dye&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;being&nbsp;&nbsp;her<br>lovely&nbsp;toy...<br><br>First&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;lingerie&nbsp;&nbsp;parlor,&nbsp;&nbsp;then&nbsp;the<br>ball&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;gag&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;multi-purpose<br>bullwhip,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;now&nbsp;a&nbsp;girlfriend&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>Slutcracker&nbsp;with&nbsp;BDSM&nbsp;on&nbsp;your&nbsp;counter?<br><br>Kip,&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;Kip.<br><br>Welcome&nbsp;&nbsp;home,&nbsp;&nbsp;kid.&nbsp;&nbsp;Never&nbsp;leave.&nbsp;&nbsp;You<br>make&nbsp;my&nbsp;job&nbsp;too&nbsp;easy.<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;wish&nbsp;you&nbsp;a<br>bleary&nbsp;welcome&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;year&nbsp;2020.&nbsp;Finally,<br>a&nbsp;number&nbsp;easy&nbsp;to&nbsp;make&nbsp;silly&nbsp;glasses&nbsp;for!<br><br>If&nbsp;you&nbsp;slept&nbsp;through&nbsp;the&nbsp;fireworks&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>lake&nbsp;on&nbsp;NYE,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;are&nbsp;a&nbsp;hardier&nbsp;soul&nbsp;than<br>I,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;commend&nbsp;you.&nbsp;&nbsp;Even&nbsp;this&nbsp;far&nbsp;from<br>the&nbsp;cliffs,&nbsp;they&nbsp;were&nbsp;dang&nbsp;loud,&nbsp;but&nbsp;also<br>worth&nbsp;every&nbsp;wince.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;you've&nbsp;&nbsp;never&nbsp;gone<br>up&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;top&nbsp;of&nbsp;Salvation&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;looked<br>down&nbsp;on&nbsp;it&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;you're&nbsp;missing&nbsp;out.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm<br>no&nbsp;poet,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;garden&nbsp;of&nbsp;light,<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;kudos&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;city&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett<br>and&nbsp;the&nbsp;tireless&nbsp;efforts&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;fireworks<br>companies&nbsp;who&nbsp;made&nbsp;it&nbsp;possible.<br><br>Are&nbsp;you&nbsp;the&nbsp;type&nbsp;to&nbsp;write&nbsp;out&nbsp;resolutions<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;coming&nbsp;year?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;try,&nbsp;heaven&nbsp;knows<br>I&nbsp;try,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;bon&nbsp;bons&nbsp;tempt&nbsp;me&nbsp;back.<br><br>If&nbsp;you&nbsp;want&nbsp;your&nbsp;name&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper,&nbsp;&nbsp;send<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;YOUR&nbsp;&nbsp;resolution,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;put&nbsp;it&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;column&nbsp;for&nbsp;next&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let's&nbsp;see&nbsp;what<br>our&nbsp;town&nbsp;wants&nbsp;to&nbsp;change!<br><br>I&nbsp;know&nbsp;for&nbsp;sure&nbsp;I&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;change&nbsp;the&nbsp;bear<br>family&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;woods&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;Mischance.&nbsp;&nbsp;If<br>they&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;set&nbsp;up&nbsp;housekeeping&nbsp;some-<br>where,&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;are&nbsp;much&nbsp;better&nbsp;places&nbsp;than<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;mine&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kids,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;it&nbsp;on<br>good&nbsp;authority&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;officials<br>are&nbsp;taking&nbsp;this&nbsp;very&nbsp;seriously,&nbsp;so&nbsp;please<br>be&nbsp;&nbsp;smart&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;stupid&nbsp;&nbsp;dares.&nbsp;&nbsp;Animals<br>like&nbsp;these&nbsp;should&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;hibernating&nbsp;at&nbsp;this<br>time&nbsp;of&nbsp;year,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;something&nbsp;has&nbsp;them<br>out&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;about,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;trained&nbsp;professional<br>should&nbsp;be&nbsp;the&nbsp;one&nbsp;to&nbsp;find&nbsp;them.
  
==January 4 2018==
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==January 9, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;is&nbsp;mak-<br>ing&nbsp;up&nbsp;for&nbsp;lost&nbsp;time,&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;he?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;heard<br>a&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;say&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;one&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;two<br>female&nbsp;employees&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;Homepage&nbsp;marched&nbsp;on<br>into&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;store&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;start&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;shift,<br>hustled&nbsp;all&nbsp;the&nbsp;post-lunch&nbsp;shoppers&nbsp;out,<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;flipped&nbsp;the&nbsp;sign&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;'Closed'&nbsp;for&nbsp;a<br>'private'&nbsp;'conversation'&nbsp;with&nbsp;Kip.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;lest&nbsp;your&nbsp;thoughts&nbsp;travel&nbsp;down&nbsp;the<br>same&nbsp;paths&nbsp;mine&nbsp;did,&nbsp;&nbsp;let&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;assure&nbsp;you<br>that&nbsp;it&nbsp;does,&nbsp;&nbsp;indeed,&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;better&nbsp;than<br>that.<br><br>Cerise,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;she&nbsp;who&nbsp;accosted&nbsp;our<br>darling&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;is&nbsp;said&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;spent&nbsp;quite<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;while&nbsp;having&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;rather&nbsp;'intense'&nbsp;dis-<br>cussion&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;store&nbsp;&nbsp;owner.&nbsp;&nbsp;Is&nbsp;it&nbsp;a<br>coincidence&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;witnesses&nbsp;&nbsp;say&nbsp;he&nbsp;was<br>spotted&nbsp;&nbsp;putting&nbsp;his&nbsp;shirt&nbsp;back&nbsp;on&nbsp;after<br>the&nbsp;Incident?&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Now,&nbsp;Sally-Mae&nbsp;says&nbsp;he&nbsp;even&nbsp;tried&nbsp;to&nbsp;hug<br>her&nbsp;afterward.<br><br>Mina,&nbsp;&nbsp;dear,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;all&nbsp;thought&nbsp;you&nbsp;and&nbsp;Kip<br>were&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;happy.&nbsp;&nbsp;Is&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;&nbsp;trouble&nbsp;&nbsp;in<br>Slutcracker&nbsp;paradise?<br><br>Did&nbsp;he&nbsp;use&nbsp;the&nbsp;whip&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;wrong&nbsp;place?<br><br>At&nbsp;least&nbsp;the&nbsp;skiers&nbsp;are&nbsp;happy.&nbsp;We've&nbsp;got<br>a&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;48"&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;powder&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;slopes,&nbsp;<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;snow&nbsp;to&nbsp;come.&nbsp;&nbsp;Careful&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;<br>introduce&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;noggin&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;cow&nbsp;&nbsp;fences,<br>folks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Wind's&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;blowing&nbsp;hard,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>they're&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;white&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;anything.&nbsp;&nbsp;Cross-<br>country's&nbsp;not&nbsp;as&nbsp;safe&nbsp;as&nbsp;it&nbsp;could&nbsp;be...<br><br>Last&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;we've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;some<br>mysterious&nbsp;geese&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;loose.&nbsp;&nbsp;Anyone<br>lose&nbsp;a&nbsp;goose?<br><br>Or&nbsp;seven?<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;the&nbsp;flock&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;chasing&nbsp;kids<br>off&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;sidewalks&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;snowbanks,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>stealing&nbsp;&nbsp;mittens,&nbsp;&nbsp;though&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;use&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>goose&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;mitten&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;beyond&nbsp;me.
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;big<br>column&nbsp;for&nbsp;you,&nbsp;so&nbsp;let's&nbsp;get&nbsp;right&nbsp;to&nbsp;it.<br>Last&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;asked&nbsp;for&nbsp;your&nbsp;resolutions,<br>and&nbsp;boy&nbsp;howdy&nbsp;did&nbsp;you&nbsp;send&nbsp;them&nbsp;in!<br><br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Elsa&nbsp;Vayn&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;eat&nbsp;at<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;least&nbsp;one&nbsp;piece&nbsp;of&nbsp;fruit&nbsp;a&nbsp;day.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;David&nbsp;Carmichael&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;on<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;least&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;vacation&nbsp;every&nbsp;quarter,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;delight&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;less&nbsp;work-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a-holic&nbsp;partner,&nbsp;Bobby.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Joe&nbsp;Quinn&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;lose&nbsp;50&nbsp;lbs.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Jane&nbsp;Quinn&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;kick&nbsp;&nbsp;Joe's<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;patoot&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;gear&nbsp;any&nbsp;time&nbsp;he&nbsp;reaches<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;doughnuts&nbsp;instead&nbsp;of&nbsp;celery...<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;Dolst&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;finish<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;novel&nbsp;he&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;working&nbsp;on&nbsp;since<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;seventh&nbsp;grade.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Rebecca&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;not&nbsp;murder<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;niece,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;brother,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;spilling<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;neon&nbsp;pink&nbsp;dye&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;vat&nbsp;of&nbsp;milk&nbsp;and<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;costing&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;family&nbsp;thousands&nbsp;of&nbsp;bucks<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;wasted&nbsp;product,&nbsp;time,&nbsp;and&nbsp;inedible<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ice&nbsp;&nbsp;cream.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;on&nbsp;good&nbsp;auth-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ority&nbsp;that&nbsp;said&nbsp;niece&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;brother&nbsp;are<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;banned&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;barn&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;foresee-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;able&nbsp;future&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;facilitate&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;con-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;tinued&nbsp;survival.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Elizabeth&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;avoid<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;aunt.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Jonathan&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;buy&nbsp;stock<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tension&nbsp;Tamer&nbsp;tea.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Delika&nbsp;Soluos&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;learn<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;calligraphy,&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;can&nbsp;start&nbsp;her&nbsp;own<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;greeting&nbsp;card&nbsp;business.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;A.&nbsp;Nony&nbsp;Mouse&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;get<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;name.<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;resolutions&nbsp;folks&nbsp;asked<br>not&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;named&nbsp;for,&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;twelve&nbsp;other<br>people&nbsp;wanting&nbsp;to&nbsp;lose&nbsp;weight,&nbsp;eleven&nbsp;who<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;travel&nbsp;more,&nbsp;five&nbsp;who&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;get<br>wealthy&nbsp;&nbsp;lovers&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;live&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;a&nbsp;life&nbsp;of<br>luxury,&nbsp;four&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;learn&nbsp;the&nbsp;fine<br>art&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;cooking&nbsp;&nbsp;better&nbsp;for&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;who<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;do&nbsp;more&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;environment,&nbsp;and<br>one&nbsp;who&nbsp;wants&nbsp;to&nbsp;bone&nbsp;my&nbsp;editor.&nbsp;<br><br>My&nbsp;&nbsp;editor&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;he&nbsp;will<br>consider&nbsp;your&nbsp;offer,&nbsp;anonymous&nbsp;lover.
  
  
==January 11 2018==
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==January 16, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;had&nbsp;yet<br>another&nbsp;day&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Homepage&nbsp;Books&nbsp;showing&nbsp;a<br>great&nbsp;big&nbsp;CLOSED&nbsp;sign&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;world.<br><br>Kip,&nbsp;darling,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;the&nbsp;attention&nbsp;is&nbsp;a<br>lot.&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;love&nbsp;you.&nbsp;&nbsp;Or&nbsp;we<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;delight&nbsp;ourselves&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;honking<br>big&nbsp;dose&nbsp;of&nbsp;schadenfreude&nbsp;and&nbsp;be&nbsp;glad&nbsp;we<br>aren't&nbsp;the&nbsp;ones&nbsp;with&nbsp;multiple&nbsp;girlfriend<br>collisions&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;hallway.<br><br>How&nbsp;DO&nbsp;you&nbsp;manage&nbsp;those,&nbsp;anyway?&nbsp;Doesn't<br>seem&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;working&nbsp;out&nbsp;for&nbsp;you&nbsp;too&nbsp;well.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;not&nbsp;working&nbsp;out&nbsp;well,&nbsp;&nbsp;what<br>else&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;work?&nbsp;&nbsp;Ice&nbsp;skating&nbsp;on&nbsp;snow.<br>Katie,&nbsp;&nbsp;let&nbsp;us&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;broken<br>ankle&nbsp;&nbsp;heals.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;editor&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;<br>take&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;ice&nbsp;cream&nbsp;and&nbsp;tell<br>you&nbsp;all&nbsp;about&nbsp;his&nbsp;own.<br><br>The&nbsp;slopes&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;Mount&nbsp;Salvation&nbsp;have&nbsp;been<br>pretty&nbsp;&nbsp;busy&nbsp;lately,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;for&nbsp;their<br>value&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;place&nbsp;to&nbsp;play&nbsp;on&nbsp;snow.&nbsp;&nbsp;Folks<br>say,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;attest&nbsp;myself,&nbsp;that&nbsp;there<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;odd&nbsp;prints&nbsp;and&nbsp;circles,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>sometimes&nbsp;lights&nbsp;at&nbsp;night,&nbsp;dancing.<br><br>Have&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;ourselves&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;&nbsp;coven&nbsp;of<br>witches,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;is&nbsp;snow&nbsp;circling&nbsp;the&nbsp;latest<br>version&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;crop&nbsp;&nbsp;circling?&nbsp;&nbsp;Maybe&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>aliens&nbsp;have&nbsp;gone&nbsp;&nbsp;native&nbsp;&nbsp;Vermonter.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;<br>so,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;some&nbsp;Cabot&nbsp;cheese&nbsp;and&nbsp;Ben<br>&&nbsp;Jerry's&nbsp;with&nbsp;their&nbsp;names&nbsp;on&nbsp;it.&nbsp;<br><br>Assuming,&nbsp;that&nbsp;is,&nbsp;that&nbsp;they&nbsp;have&nbsp;names.<br><br>Gossip&nbsp;columnist&nbsp;starts&nbsp;interstellar&nbsp;war<br>by&nbsp;making&nbsp;erroneous&nbsp;assumptions.&nbsp;See&nbsp;the<br>full&nbsp;report&nbsp;at&nbsp;seven!<br><br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>month&nbsp;away&nbsp;from&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;Day,&nbsp;but&nbsp;that<br>isn't&nbsp;stopping&nbsp;the&nbsp;stores,&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;it?&nbsp;&nbsp;Thank<br>you,&nbsp;capitalism,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;giving&nbsp;me&nbsp;cheap&nbsp;yet<br>delicious&nbsp;&nbsp;chocolate&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;peanut&nbsp;&nbsp;butter&nbsp;<br>hearts.<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;hearts,&nbsp;get&nbsp;this:&nbsp;Mandy<br>Hart&nbsp;&nbsp;thought&nbsp;Monday&nbsp;was&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;just<br>another&nbsp;morning,&nbsp;woke&nbsp;up,&nbsp;made&nbsp;her&nbsp;coffee<br>and&nbsp;ate&nbsp;food&nbsp;which&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;told&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;say<br>was&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;&nbsp;healthy&nbsp;&nbsp;than&nbsp;the&nbsp;Boston&nbsp;creme<br>doughnut&nbsp;it&nbsp;actually&nbsp;was,&nbsp;when&nbsp;there&nbsp;came<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;banging&nbsp;from&nbsp;her&nbsp;garage.&nbsp;&nbsp;In&nbsp;she&nbsp;went,<br>and&nbsp;lo&nbsp;and&nbsp;behold,&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;garbage&nbsp;bins&nbsp;were<br>a&nbsp;mess.&nbsp;&nbsp;Thinking&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;raccoon,&nbsp;&nbsp;she<br>tidied&nbsp;up,&nbsp;&nbsp;looked&nbsp;for&nbsp;holes,&nbsp;then&nbsp;forgot<br>all&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;it&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;end&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;work&nbsp;day.<br>Upon&nbsp;arriving&nbsp;&nbsp;home&nbsp;&nbsp;again,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;garbage<br>bins&nbsp;were&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;floor,&nbsp;&nbsp;along&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>garbage&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;them,&nbsp;and&nbsp;what&nbsp;did<br>she&nbsp;&nbsp;find&nbsp;but&nbsp;a&nbsp;PIG&nbsp;rooting&nbsp;around&nbsp;in&nbsp;it?<br>As&nbsp;it&nbsp;turns&nbsp;out,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;tourist&nbsp;family's&nbsp;pet<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;gotten&nbsp;&nbsp;loose,&nbsp;and&nbsp;there&nbsp;were&nbsp;happy,<br>oinky&nbsp;endings&nbsp;all&nbsp;around.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;way&nbsp;to<br>spend&nbsp;a&nbsp;Monday.<br><br>This&nbsp;was&nbsp;not&nbsp;the&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;animal&nbsp;sighting&nbsp;to<br>occur&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;past&nbsp;week.&nbsp;<br><br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;showing&nbsp;of&nbsp;"Matilda"&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;ele-<br>mentary&nbsp;&nbsp;school&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;past&nbsp;&nbsp;weekend&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;<br>disrupted&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;bleating&nbsp;&nbsp;stampede&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>shaggy,&nbsp;&nbsp;smelly&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;goats&nbsp;--&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;high-<br>schoolers&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;set&nbsp;&nbsp;them&nbsp;&nbsp;free&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;are<br>going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;start&nbsp;&nbsp;doing&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;&nbsp;fast<br>community&nbsp;service,&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;they,&nbsp;Samual?
  
==January 18 2018==
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==January 23, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell<br>that&nbsp;Daniel&nbsp;Dross&nbsp;&nbsp;lost&nbsp;his&nbsp;marbles&nbsp;over<br>at&nbsp;The&nbsp;Seventh&nbsp;House.&nbsp;Word&nbsp;is,&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;asked<br>some&nbsp;&nbsp;poor&nbsp;crippled&nbsp;young&nbsp;woman&nbsp;over&nbsp;for<br>breakfast,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;gentlemanly-like,&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>take&nbsp;a&nbsp;drawing&nbsp;she&nbsp;did,&nbsp;storm&nbsp;around&nbsp;the<br>cafe,&nbsp;&nbsp;shred&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;thing&nbsp;and&nbsp;throw&nbsp;it&nbsp;in&nbsp;<br>the&nbsp;fire.&nbsp;<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;shame&nbsp;on&nbsp;him,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;I&nbsp;want&nbsp;to<br>know&nbsp;is&nbsp;this:&nbsp;what&nbsp;was&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;drawing?<br>Linda,&nbsp;if&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;anything&nbsp;like&nbsp;yours,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>retract&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;statement.&nbsp;&nbsp;No&nbsp;one&nbsp;should<br>have&nbsp;to&nbsp;see&nbsp;that.<br><br>Sources&nbsp;say&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;dragged&nbsp;her&nbsp;right&nbsp;out&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;shop,&nbsp;&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;let&nbsp;her&nbsp;finish<br>her&nbsp;tea,&nbsp;or&nbsp;her&nbsp;bread&nbsp;and&nbsp;honey.&nbsp;Tsk.<br><br>You&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;know,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;bore&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;striking&nbsp;<br>resemblance&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;certain&nbsp;&nbsp;family&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;<br>Millers&nbsp;'round&nbsp;about&nbsp;these&nbsp;parts...<br><br>Continuing&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;week's&nbsp;theme&nbsp;of&nbsp;ladies<br>with&nbsp;bad&nbsp;luck,&nbsp;my&nbsp;sources&nbsp;tell&nbsp;me&nbsp;one&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;restaurants&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Singers'<br>Circle&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;being&nbsp;investigated,&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;in<br>case,&nbsp;for&nbsp;food&nbsp;and&nbsp;safety&nbsp;concerns&nbsp;after<br>a&nbsp;blind&nbsp;date&nbsp;&nbsp;gone&nbsp;wrong.&nbsp;&nbsp;Witnesses&nbsp;say<br>the&nbsp;guy&nbsp;was&nbsp;looking&nbsp;bored,&nbsp;when&nbsp;the&nbsp;girl<br>suddenly&nbsp;went&nbsp;insane,&nbsp;claiming&nbsp;she&nbsp;could<br>see&nbsp;bugs&nbsp;in&nbsp;her&nbsp;food,&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;her&nbsp;skin,<br>and&nbsp;skedaddled.&nbsp;<br><br>Kids,&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;why&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;don't&nbsp;do&nbsp;drugs<br>before&nbsp;you&nbsp;date.<br><br>Third&nbsp;in&nbsp;our&nbsp;trifecta&nbsp;of&nbsp;female&nbsp;disaster<br>flicks,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;instagram&nbsp;princess<br>Franky&nbsp;Garreau&nbsp;may&nbsp;be&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;outs&nbsp;with<br>Kip's&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;latest&nbsp;&nbsp;love&nbsp;&nbsp;interest.&nbsp;&nbsp;Cerise,<br>Cerise,&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;moving&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;on&nbsp;Franky's<br>man?&nbsp;&nbsp;Really,&nbsp;&nbsp;C.&nbsp;B.&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;shouldn't<br>be&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;kind&nbsp;of&nbsp;'hot'&nbsp;--&nbsp;not&nbsp;unless&nbsp;you<br>like&nbsp;napalm.<br><br>Men,&nbsp;&nbsp;watch&nbsp;&nbsp;out.&nbsp;&nbsp;Next&nbsp;week&nbsp;it&nbsp;could&nbsp;be<br>you.<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;looks&nbsp;as<br>though&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;manicurist&nbsp;in<br>town!&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;that&nbsp;Lou&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bang&nbsp;Bang<br>down&nbsp;at&nbsp;Crops&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bobbers&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;talk-<br>ing&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;stranger&nbsp;about&nbsp;settling<br>here.&nbsp;&nbsp;Lady,&nbsp;come&nbsp;stop&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;some<br>time&nbsp;and&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;chat.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;still&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit<br>of&nbsp;that&nbsp;good&nbsp;coffee&nbsp;left&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;office<br>vultures&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;managed&nbsp;to&nbsp;pilfer.<br><br>In&nbsp;other&nbsp;news,&nbsp;I&nbsp;finally&nbsp;snagged&nbsp;a&nbsp;source<br>young&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;clue&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;in&nbsp;on&nbsp;why&nbsp;we've<br>all&nbsp;been&nbsp;seeing&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;everywhere.&nbsp;Seems<br>like&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;&nbsp;kids&nbsp;started&nbsp;a<br>viral&nbsp;trend&nbsp;on&nbsp;TikTok&nbsp;called&nbsp;"angel&nbsp;dust-<br>ing"...&nbsp;The&nbsp;original&nbsp;form&nbsp;called&nbsp;for&nbsp;some<br>sort&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;container&nbsp;of&nbsp;white&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;to&nbsp;be<br>placed&nbsp;above&nbsp;a&nbsp;doorway,&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;aim&nbsp;of<br>having&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;fall&nbsp;onto&nbsp;the&nbsp;head&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;next<br>person&nbsp;walking&nbsp;through,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>younger&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;has&nbsp;informed<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;receiving&nbsp;the&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;inside&nbsp;of<br>an&nbsp;envelope,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;filming&nbsp;yourself&nbsp;doing<br>so,&nbsp;has&nbsp;also&nbsp;become&nbsp;a&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;trend.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;given&nbsp;the&nbsp;crisis&nbsp;going&nbsp;on&nbsp;with&nbsp;micro<br>plastics&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;oceans,&nbsp;I&nbsp;did&nbsp;feel&nbsp;the<br>need&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;reach&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;our&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;TikTok-<br>ker,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;pleasant&nbsp;surprise,<br>they&nbsp;had&nbsp;already&nbsp;established&nbsp;ground&nbsp;rules<br>requiring&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;followers&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;use&nbsp;eco-<br>glitters.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kudos,&nbsp;kid.&nbsp;&nbsp;You've&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;good<br>head&nbsp;on&nbsp;those&nbsp;glitter-crowned&nbsp;shoulders.<br><br>Vazi,&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;hand...&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;heard<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;few&nbsp;&nbsp;conflicting&nbsp;&nbsp;opinions&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;how&nbsp;you<br>managed&nbsp;to&nbsp;break&nbsp;that&nbsp;ankle,&nbsp;kiddo.&nbsp;<br><br>&nbsp;1.&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;chasing&nbsp;a&nbsp;flying&nbsp;paper&nbsp;air-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;plane&nbsp;and&nbsp;ran&nbsp;off&nbsp;the&nbsp;roof.<br>&nbsp;2.&nbsp;You&nbsp;were&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;lawn&nbsp;and&nbsp;slipped.<br>&nbsp;3.&nbsp;Your&nbsp;&nbsp;younger&nbsp;&nbsp;brother&nbsp;&nbsp;turned&nbsp;into&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;whirling&nbsp;&nbsp;dervish&nbsp;of&nbsp;dooooom&nbsp;and&nbsp;your<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ankle&nbsp;was&nbsp;sacrificed&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;Lego&nbsp;gods<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;tribute.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;going&nbsp;for&nbsp;Lego&nbsp;gods.&nbsp;If&nbsp;you&nbsp;have&nbsp;ever<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;kids&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;had&nbsp;Legos,&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;you&nbsp;will<br>be&nbsp;too.
  
==January 25 2018==
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==January 30, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we've&nbsp;got&nbsp;a<br>bologna&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;loose.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Yes,&nbsp;you&nbsp;read&nbsp;that&nbsp;correctly:&nbsp;a&nbsp;bologna.<br>Three&nbsp;folks&nbsp;have&nbsp;come&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;ask&nbsp;if<br>I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;about&nbsp;it,&nbsp;and&nbsp;one&nbsp;of&nbsp;them&nbsp;was<br>pretty&nbsp;certain&nbsp;the&nbsp;stink&nbsp;was&nbsp;coming&nbsp;from<br>the&nbsp;town&nbsp;hall...<br><br>But&nbsp;enough&nbsp;about&nbsp;that.<br><br>Let's&nbsp;hear&nbsp;some&nbsp;juicy&nbsp;news.&nbsp;&nbsp;Amanda&nbsp;Bale<br>and&nbsp;Erzsebet&nbsp;Angle&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;steaming&nbsp;up<br>the&nbsp;dance&nbsp;floor&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;high&nbsp;school,<br>and&nbsp;hoo&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;those&nbsp;girls&nbsp;can&nbsp;tango.&nbsp;&nbsp;Who<br>says&nbsp;you&nbsp;need&nbsp;a&nbsp;man,&nbsp;&nbsp;right&nbsp;ladies?&nbsp;Come<br>chat&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;time.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;folks&nbsp;who<br>run&nbsp;the&nbsp;local&nbsp;competitions.&nbsp;<br><br>Also,&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;spite&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;injuries&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>contrary,&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;spied&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;little&nbsp;black&nbsp;<br>eye&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;certain&nbsp;Mayor&nbsp;hobbling&nbsp;around&nbsp;on&nbsp;<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;mill&nbsp;&nbsp;pond.&nbsp;&nbsp;What's&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;problem,&nbsp;<br>Jack?&nbsp;Even&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;skate&nbsp;better&nbsp;than&nbsp;that.<br>You&nbsp;getting&nbsp;too&nbsp;old&nbsp;for&nbsp;fun?<br><br>On&nbsp;that&nbsp;note,&nbsp;I&nbsp;dare&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;and&nbsp;everyone<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;send&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;pictures&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;stupidest<br>things&nbsp;they&nbsp;can&nbsp;think&nbsp;of&nbsp;doing&nbsp;while&nbsp;ice<br>skating.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;Shanghai&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;editor&nbsp;into<br>giving&nbsp;me&nbsp;more&nbsp;space&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;post&nbsp;the<br>best&nbsp;of&nbsp;them&nbsp;next&nbsp;week!<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>cute&nbsp;one&nbsp;for&nbsp;us.&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;special&nbsp;someone&nbsp;(hint<br>hint,&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;name&nbsp;rhymes&nbsp;with&nbsp;'hill'&nbsp;and&nbsp;he<br>owns&nbsp;a&nbsp;bar&nbsp;&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;town)&nbsp;is&nbsp;turning&nbsp;65<br>next&nbsp;&nbsp;week,&nbsp;and&nbsp;he&nbsp;may&nbsp;or&nbsp;may&nbsp;not&nbsp;be&nbsp;get-<br>ting&nbsp;a&nbsp;present&nbsp;from&nbsp;a&nbsp;mysterious&nbsp;benefac-<br>tor...&nbsp;If&nbsp;I&nbsp;were&nbsp;he,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;keep&nbsp;an&nbsp;eye&nbsp;out.<br>That&nbsp;gift&nbsp;looked&nbsp;hot!<br><br>In&nbsp;related&nbsp;news,&nbsp;kudos&nbsp;to&nbsp;your&nbsp;son,&nbsp;Bill,<br>though&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;seldom&nbsp;had&nbsp;more&nbsp;cause&nbsp;to<br>use&nbsp;the&nbsp;'facepalm'&nbsp;&nbsp;emoji&nbsp;than&nbsp;I&nbsp;did&nbsp;this<br>past&nbsp;weekend.&nbsp;&nbsp;For&nbsp;folks&nbsp;new&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;area,<br>Bill's&nbsp;&nbsp;son&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;trainee&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;local<br>volunteer&nbsp;firefighters.&nbsp;A&nbsp;tourist&nbsp;slipped<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;fell&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;southern&nbsp;bridge&nbsp;into<br>the&nbsp;Tam,&nbsp;and&nbsp;they're&nbsp;okay,&nbsp;thanks&nbsp;to&nbsp;Bill<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;bystanders,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;they<br>wouldn't&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;fallen&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;place<br>if&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;hadn't&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;bending&nbsp;&nbsp;backwards<br>upside&nbsp;down&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;edge&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;railing<br>to&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;selfie...&nbsp;&nbsp;Their&nbsp;&nbsp;GoPro&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;not<br>rescued,&nbsp;and&nbsp;neither,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told,&nbsp;was&nbsp;their<br>smartphone.&nbsp;&nbsp;Seriously,&nbsp;people.&nbsp;No&nbsp;selfie<br>is&nbsp;worth&nbsp;your&nbsp;life.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hypothermia&nbsp;is&nbsp;not&nbsp;a<br>joke.<br><br>That&nbsp;&nbsp;said,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;human,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;can't&nbsp;help<br>but&nbsp;laugh&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;fails&nbsp;I've&nbsp;seen<br>on&nbsp;the&nbsp;internet.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let's&nbsp;&nbsp;turn&nbsp;this&nbsp;around<br>and&nbsp;check&nbsp;on&nbsp;YOU,&nbsp;my&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;readers:&nbsp;what<br>is&nbsp;YOUR&nbsp;most&nbsp;hilarious&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;fail?<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;for&nbsp;disclosure,&nbsp;&nbsp;Emma<br>Richards&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;paid&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Cadbury&nbsp;Creme<br>Eggs&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;publically&nbsp;state&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;following:<br>she&nbsp;heard&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;grapevine&nbsp;that&nbsp;her&nbsp;long-<br>time&nbsp;&nbsp;boyfriend,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;broke&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;with&nbsp;her<br>last&nbsp;Spring,&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;recently&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;accepted<br>into&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;NASA&nbsp;&nbsp;space&nbsp;&nbsp;program,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;she<br>hopes&nbsp;he&nbsp;does&nbsp;so&nbsp;well&nbsp;that&nbsp;he&nbsp;becomes&nbsp;one<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;next&nbsp;astronauts&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;land&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>Moon...and&nbsp;&nbsp;stays&nbsp;there,&nbsp;preferably&nbsp;alone<br>and&nbsp;choking&nbsp;on&nbsp;his&nbsp;own&nbsp;hot&nbsp;air.<br><br>Sorry,&nbsp;Dave.&nbsp;&nbsp;Shouldn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;done&nbsp;that.
  
==February 1 2018==
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==February 6, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we've&nbsp;got&nbsp;a<br>vigilante&nbsp;in&nbsp;our&nbsp;midst.&nbsp;I&nbsp;can't&nbsp;honestly<br>say&nbsp;I&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;feel&nbsp;excited&nbsp;if&nbsp;I&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;my<br>own&nbsp;superhero&nbsp;nickname,&nbsp;so&nbsp;kudos&nbsp;to&nbsp;you,<br>Blackout,&nbsp;whoever&nbsp;you&nbsp;are.<br><br>Just&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;One&nbsp;Punch&nbsp;Man&nbsp;on&nbsp;my<br>nephew&nbsp;Jadis.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;likes&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;dress&nbsp;like&nbsp;a<br>punk,&nbsp;but&nbsp;he's&nbsp;got&nbsp;the&nbsp;soul&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;cherry-<br>pink&nbsp;marshmallow.<br><br>Yes,&nbsp;dear.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;love&nbsp;you&nbsp;too.&nbsp;&nbsp;Suffer.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;suffering,&nbsp;I&nbsp;heard&nbsp;tell&nbsp;that<br>our&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;own&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;was&nbsp;spotted&nbsp;on&nbsp;one&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;bridges&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett,&nbsp;stark<br>naked&nbsp;and&nbsp;covered&nbsp;in&nbsp;stripper&nbsp;glitter.<br><br>Kip,&nbsp;I&nbsp;can't&nbsp;say&nbsp;I&nbsp;blame&nbsp;you.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;I&nbsp;ever<br>caught&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;case&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;glitteritis&nbsp;as&nbsp;bad&nbsp;as<br>that&nbsp;one,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;be&nbsp;tempted&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;jump&nbsp;off&nbsp;a<br>bridge's&nbsp;railing,&nbsp;too.<br><br>The&nbsp;Tam&nbsp;seems&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;getting&nbsp;more&nbsp;popular<br>lately,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;maybe&nbsp;folks&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;stir<br>crazy&nbsp;after&nbsp;all&nbsp;that&nbsp;snow.&nbsp;&nbsp;Or&nbsp;crazy,&nbsp;in<br>general.&nbsp;&nbsp;Franklyn,&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;gotta&nbsp;say,&nbsp;I'm<br>disappointed.&nbsp;&nbsp;You're&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;girl,&nbsp;&nbsp;but<br>if&nbsp;you&nbsp;keep&nbsp;this&nbsp;up,&nbsp;you're&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;end<br>up&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;loony&nbsp;bin&nbsp;or&nbsp;six&nbsp;feet&nbsp;under.<br><br>Walking&nbsp;around&nbsp;the&nbsp;city&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;PJs&nbsp;is<br>one&nbsp;thing.&nbsp;&nbsp;Even&nbsp;Adam&nbsp;Wilkinson&nbsp;has&nbsp;done<br>that&nbsp;one,&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;he,&nbsp;Adam?&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Whatever&nbsp;&nbsp;guy&nbsp;you're&nbsp;crying&nbsp;about,&nbsp;&nbsp;come<br>sniffle&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;West&nbsp;&nbsp;bank,&nbsp;&nbsp;girl.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;<br>should&nbsp;know&nbsp;better.&nbsp;&nbsp;Also,&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;jacket!<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;it&nbsp;sounds&nbsp;like&nbsp;we've<br>got&nbsp;ourselves&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;brawler&nbsp;in&nbsp;town.&nbsp;Old<br>Janni&nbsp;Kristoffsen&nbsp;&nbsp;said&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;girl&nbsp;named<br>Merle&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;one&nbsp;rip-roaring&nbsp;fight&nbsp;at<br>the&nbsp;bar&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;pack&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;cigarettes&nbsp;&nbsp;she<br>may&nbsp;or&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;acquired&nbsp;with&nbsp;his<br>permission.<br><br>What&nbsp;I&nbsp;wonder&nbsp;is&nbsp;this:&nbsp;if&nbsp;we&nbsp;put&nbsp;Mystery<br>Merle&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;pit&nbsp;with&nbsp;C.B.&nbsp;Alexander,&nbsp;who<br>would&nbsp;be&nbsp;the&nbsp;last&nbsp;one&nbsp;standing?<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;angel&nbsp;&nbsp;dust<br>has&nbsp;officially&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;sanctioned,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;not<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;good&nbsp;way,&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;town&nbsp;hall&nbsp;meeting.<br>Local&nbsp;EMTs&nbsp;&nbsp;took&nbsp;three&nbsp;people&nbsp;down&nbsp;to&nbsp;the<br>hospital&nbsp;after&nbsp;a&nbsp;massive&nbsp;glitter-splosion<br>accident&nbsp;&nbsp;where&nbsp;balloons&nbsp;half-filled&nbsp;with<br>"angel&nbsp;dust"&nbsp;were&nbsp;popped&nbsp;by&nbsp;accident,&nbsp;all<br>at&nbsp;once,&nbsp;by&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;falling&nbsp;ladder&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Town<br>Hall&nbsp;itself,&nbsp;sending&nbsp;&nbsp;pounds&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;stuff<br>right&nbsp;into&nbsp;eyes&nbsp;and&nbsp;airways.<br><br>On&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;bright&nbsp;side,&nbsp;you&nbsp;can&nbsp;be&nbsp;proud&nbsp;of<br>one&nbsp;thing:&nbsp;&nbsp;you,&nbsp;and&nbsp;your&nbsp;TikTok&nbsp;friends,<br>have&nbsp;leveraged&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;fifteen&nbsp;&nbsp;seconds&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>fame&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;officially&nbsp;labeled&nbsp;a<br>disturbance&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;peace.<br><br>Envelope-form&nbsp;only,&nbsp;kids.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;bad&nbsp;news.&nbsp;&nbsp;Nettle<br>won't&nbsp;be&nbsp;staying&nbsp;on&nbsp;as&nbsp;our&nbsp;new&nbsp;manicurist<br>after&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;says&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;enjoyed<br>getting&nbsp;to&nbsp;know&nbsp;the&nbsp;ladies,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;gentlemen,&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;short<br>while&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;here.&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;wish&nbsp;her&nbsp;all<br>the&nbsp;best&nbsp;in&nbsp;her&nbsp;new&nbsp;life&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;millionaire<br>lottery&nbsp;winner,&nbsp;lucky&nbsp;duck.&nbsp;&nbsp;When&nbsp;I&nbsp;asked<br>her&nbsp;about&nbsp;her&nbsp;plans,&nbsp;she&nbsp;said&nbsp;she&nbsp;and&nbsp;her<br>hubby&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;decided&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;find&nbsp;their&nbsp;dream<br>home&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;hills&nbsp;of&nbsp;Italy,&nbsp;and&nbsp;intend&nbsp;to<br>spend&nbsp;their&nbsp;days&nbsp;posting&nbsp;&nbsp;YouTube&nbsp;&nbsp;videos<br>of&nbsp;their&nbsp;costumed&nbsp;cats&nbsp;putting&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;feline<br>versions&nbsp;of&nbsp;Shakespeare.<br><br>To&nbsp;each&nbsp;her&nbsp;own,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;keep&nbsp;an&nbsp;eye&nbsp;out<br>for&nbsp;those&nbsp;videos,&nbsp;Nettle.&nbsp;&nbsp;Tombu&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;one<br>cute&nbsp;cat.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;as&nbsp;much&nbsp;as&nbsp;I&nbsp;would&nbsp;love&nbsp;to&nbsp;write&nbsp;all<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;entries&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;received&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;most<br>embarrassing&nbsp;selfies,&nbsp;my&nbsp;editor&nbsp;has&nbsp;asked<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;poll&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;top&nbsp;three,<br>and&nbsp;these&nbsp;are&nbsp;the&nbsp;result:<br><br>&nbsp;1.&nbsp;When&nbsp;taking&nbsp;a&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;windy&nbsp;tower<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;overseas,&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;who&nbsp;shall&nbsp;remain&nbsp;name-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;less&nbsp;at&nbsp;her&nbsp;own&nbsp;&nbsp;request&nbsp;felt&nbsp;quite&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sudden&nbsp;breeze&nbsp;down&nbsp;below&nbsp;when&nbsp;her&nbsp;new<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sarong&nbsp;&nbsp;slipped&nbsp;&nbsp;free&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;hips.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;This&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;as&nbsp;much&nbsp;of&nbsp;an<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;issue&nbsp;if&nbsp;she&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;wearing&nbsp;her&nbsp;last<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;pair&nbsp;of&nbsp;"emergencies&nbsp;only"&nbsp;panties...<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;holes&nbsp;in&nbsp;awkward&nbsp;places.<br>&nbsp;2.&nbsp;Every&nbsp;time&nbsp;this&nbsp;gentleman&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;try<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;picture&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;himself&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;send<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;dating&nbsp;service,&nbsp;his&nbsp;cat&nbsp;Pogo<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;somehow&nbsp;&nbsp;photo-bomb&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;shot,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;until&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;eventually&nbsp;gave&nbsp;in&nbsp;and&nbsp;just<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;held&nbsp;the&nbsp;cat.<br>&nbsp;3.&nbsp;A&nbsp;young&nbsp;woman&nbsp;thought&nbsp;she&nbsp;looked&nbsp;fab,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;went&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;take&nbsp;a&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;of&nbsp;herself<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Park.&nbsp;&nbsp;Satisfied,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;posted&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;picture&nbsp;to&nbsp;her&nbsp;social<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;media&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;accounts,&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;receive&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;message&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;after&nbsp;&nbsp;message&nbsp;&nbsp;asking&nbsp;&nbsp;her<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;the&nbsp;dogs.&nbsp;&nbsp;Puzzled&nbsp;by&nbsp;this,&nbsp;she<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;looked&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;&nbsp;closely&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;selfie,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;lo&nbsp;and&nbsp;behold,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;pair&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;dog-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;walkers&nbsp;were&nbsp;chatting&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;bench,&nbsp;and<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;pooches&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;doing&nbsp;it,&nbsp;doggy-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;style&nbsp;of&nbsp;course,&nbsp;behind&nbsp;them.<br><br>Immortalized&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;internet.&nbsp;Ever&nbsp;wonder<br>what&nbsp;aliens&nbsp;would&nbsp;think&nbsp;about&nbsp;our&nbsp;species<br>if&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;watched&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;post&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;<br>universe&nbsp;to&nbsp;see?
  
 
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==February 13, 2020==
==February 8 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we've&nbsp;got&nbsp;a<br>whole&nbsp;&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;pink,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;enough&nbsp;roses&nbsp;to<br>sink&nbsp;a&nbsp;boat.&nbsp;&nbsp;Or&nbsp;a&nbsp;float.<br><br>Kids,&nbsp;go&nbsp;gentle&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;float<br>in&nbsp;the&nbsp;parade&nbsp;this&nbsp;year.&nbsp;&nbsp;While&nbsp;I&nbsp;can't,<br>as&nbsp;a&nbsp;reasonable&nbsp;adult,&nbsp;&nbsp;condone&nbsp;sticking<br>fireworks&nbsp;under&nbsp;its&nbsp;chassis,&nbsp;the&nbsp;symbol-<br>ism&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;love&nbsp;going&nbsp;up&nbsp;in&nbsp;flames&nbsp;and&nbsp;then<br>setting&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;church&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;little<br>too&nbsp;close&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;mark&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;few&nbsp;ladies<br>last&nbsp;year,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;did&nbsp;drive&nbsp;up&nbsp;subscrip-<br>tions&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper&nbsp;and&nbsp;my&nbsp;column...<br><br>Maybe&nbsp;stick&nbsp;to&nbsp;uncomfortable&nbsp;red&nbsp;oozing.<br>No?&nbsp;&nbsp;Okay,&nbsp;how&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;wearing&nbsp;sheets&nbsp;and<br>putting&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;Christmas&nbsp;Story&nbsp;parody&nbsp;with<br>the&nbsp;ghost&nbsp;of&nbsp;loves&nbsp;past?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;Harriet<br>isn't&nbsp;&nbsp;used&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;sneaking&nbsp;around&nbsp;under&nbsp;a<br>sheet&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;daylight,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;sure&nbsp;she<br>could&nbsp;make&nbsp;an&nbsp;&nbsp;exception&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;teach&nbsp;you&nbsp;a<br>few&nbsp;tricks.<br><br>In&nbsp;other&nbsp;news,&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett&nbsp;has&nbsp;had&nbsp;yet<br>another&nbsp;series&nbsp;of&nbsp;violent&nbsp;crimes.&nbsp;&nbsp;Can't<br>say&nbsp;as&nbsp;I&nbsp;blame&nbsp;them.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;get&nbsp;violent&nbsp;when<br>my&nbsp;car&nbsp;door&nbsp;freezes&nbsp;shut&nbsp;after&nbsp;an&nbsp;entire<br>day&nbsp;of&nbsp;freezing&nbsp;rain,&nbsp;myself.<br><br>I&nbsp;do&nbsp;not,&nbsp;&nbsp;however,&nbsp;then&nbsp;explode&nbsp;my&nbsp;car.<br><br>Yours&nbsp;&nbsp;truly&nbsp;&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;gotten&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>details&nbsp;on&nbsp;this&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;my&nbsp;sources&nbsp;did<br>say&nbsp;the&nbsp;driver&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;criminal,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;that<br>he&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;yelling&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;hung&nbsp;&nbsp;men&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;<br>midgets&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;rods&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;could&nbsp;&nbsp;shoot&nbsp;six<br>blocks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Somehow,&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;excellent&nbsp;as&nbsp;that<br>image&nbsp;is,&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;think&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;quite<br>what&nbsp;happened.<br><br>Last&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Last&nbsp;Chance<br>diner&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;junkyard&nbsp;had&nbsp;its&nbsp;own<br>dust-up.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;gang&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;feisty<br>ne'er-do-wells&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;face&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;bacon<br>after&nbsp;&nbsp;interrupting&nbsp;Johnny&nbsp;Drexel&nbsp;at&nbsp;his<br>breakfast&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;pretty&nbsp;girl.&nbsp;&nbsp;Gentleman<br>that&nbsp;he&nbsp;was,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;played&nbsp;<br>white&nbsp;knight&nbsp;to&nbsp;her&nbsp;when&nbsp;the&nbsp;rest&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>gang&nbsp;tried&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;beat&nbsp;&nbsp;them&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;they&nbsp;<br>left&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;diner,&nbsp;aided&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;Samaritan<br>Scooby&nbsp;Gang.<br><br>Thugs&nbsp;and&nbsp;assorted&nbsp;criminals,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;you're<br>going&nbsp;to&nbsp;pick&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;guy,&nbsp;&nbsp;pick&nbsp;on&nbsp;Drexel.<br>I&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;see&nbsp;&nbsp;how&nbsp;many&nbsp;times&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;tell<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;same&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;story&nbsp;&nbsp;before&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;editor<br>strangles&nbsp;me&nbsp;for&nbsp;it.
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>Kip&nbsp;Kensington-esque&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;Day&nbsp;fail<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;share&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;all.&nbsp;&nbsp;No,&nbsp;sadly,&nbsp;Kip<br>himself&nbsp;is&nbsp;not&nbsp;a&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;you're<br>being&nbsp;entirely&nbsp;too&nbsp;circumspect&nbsp;lately.<br><br>But&nbsp;enough&nbsp;of&nbsp;Kip.&nbsp;&nbsp;On&nbsp;to&nbsp;today's&nbsp;gossip!<br>Upon&nbsp;waking&nbsp;up&nbsp;yesterday&nbsp;morning,&nbsp;the&nbsp;80-<br>year&nbsp;&nbsp;old&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Mitchell,&nbsp;a&nbsp;retired&nbsp;school<br>counselor,&nbsp;&nbsp;looked&nbsp;out&nbsp;her&nbsp;front&nbsp;door&nbsp;and<br>saw&nbsp;that&nbsp;she&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;package&nbsp;waiting.&nbsp;&nbsp;Not<br>having&nbsp;ordered&nbsp;anything&nbsp;recently,&nbsp;she&nbsp;was<br>curious&nbsp;nonetheless,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;anonymity&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;box&nbsp;and&nbsp;its&nbsp;sender&nbsp;really&nbsp;should&nbsp;have<br>been&nbsp;a&nbsp;clue.<br><br>Long&nbsp;story&nbsp;short:&nbsp;a&nbsp;delivery&nbsp;of&nbsp;very&nbsp;sexy<br>toys&nbsp;and&nbsp;playthings&nbsp;spilled&nbsp;out&nbsp;in&nbsp;rubber<br>and&nbsp;lace&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;her&nbsp;table...<br><br>Thankfully,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;"loving"&nbsp;note&nbsp;inside<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;box&nbsp;sent&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;items&nbsp;did&nbsp;include<br>the&nbsp;name&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;intended&nbsp;&nbsp;recipient,&nbsp;a<br>young&nbsp;&nbsp;woman&nbsp;who&nbsp;lived&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;house&nbsp;next<br>door.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;lesson&nbsp;to&nbsp;all&nbsp;who<br>order&nbsp;&nbsp;gifts&nbsp;&nbsp;online:&nbsp;&nbsp;double-check&nbsp;&nbsp;your<br>delivery&nbsp;addresses,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;could&nbsp;&nbsp;send<br>kinky&nbsp;sex&nbsp;toys&nbsp;to&nbsp;grandmothers&nbsp;with&nbsp;heart<br>conditions.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;delving,&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;been<br>watching&nbsp;the&nbsp;news?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;think<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;prospectors&nbsp;looking&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;mine<br>again?&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;town&nbsp;could&nbsp;use&nbsp;the&nbsp;money,&nbsp;as<br>Mayor&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;would&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;quick&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;agree,&nbsp;but<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;worth&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;all&nbsp;that&nbsp;noise<br>and&nbsp;fuss?&nbsp;&nbsp;Why&nbsp;don't&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;&nbsp;make&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;a<br>historic&nbsp;landmark&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;done&nbsp;with&nbsp;all<br>of&nbsp;this?<br><br>In&nbsp;lighter&nbsp;news,&nbsp;parents,&nbsp;don't&nbsp;forget&nbsp;to<br>pay&nbsp;a&nbsp;visit&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;library&nbsp;on&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street<br>before&nbsp;&nbsp;Saturday.&nbsp;&nbsp;There's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;kiddie&nbsp;pool<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;Goldfish&nbsp;&nbsp;crackers&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;challenge&nbsp;to<br>guess&nbsp;&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;many&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;pool&nbsp;for&nbsp;you<br>and&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;kidlets&nbsp;to&nbsp;win.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;don't<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;time&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;in&nbsp;person,&nbsp;you&nbsp;can&nbsp;also<br>submit&nbsp;&nbsp;bets&nbsp;&nbsp;online,&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;library&nbsp;web-<br>site.
  
==February 15 2018==
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==February 20, 2020==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;T&nbsp;A&nbsp;M&nbsp;A&nbsp;R&nbsp;A&nbsp;C&nbsp;K&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;T&nbsp;I&nbsp;M&nbsp;E&nbsp;S<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GOSSIP&nbsp;COLUMN,&nbsp;by&nbsp;Enid&nbsp;SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;parade<br>went&nbsp;off&nbsp;without&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;hitch.&nbsp;&nbsp;Or,&nbsp;&nbsp;rather,<br>without&nbsp;a&nbsp;torch.&nbsp;&nbsp;There&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;red<br>and&nbsp;pink&nbsp;confetti,&nbsp;and&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Herringworth<br>may&nbsp;or&nbsp;may&nbsp;not&nbsp;have&nbsp;lost&nbsp;her&nbsp;dentures&nbsp;on<br>a&nbsp;lollipop,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;vampire&nbsp;fangs&nbsp;may&nbsp;or<br>may&nbsp;not&nbsp;have&nbsp;made&nbsp;it&nbsp;all&nbsp;worth&nbsp;it.&nbsp;<br><br>Seriously.&nbsp;&nbsp;Fangs.<br><br>Linda,&nbsp;you&nbsp;win&nbsp;at&nbsp;life.&nbsp;&nbsp;Then&nbsp;again,&nbsp;you<br>have&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;twice&nbsp;as&nbsp;many&nbsp;&nbsp;years&nbsp;to<br>get&nbsp;better&nbsp;at&nbsp;it...<br><br>I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;pair&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;teenagers<br>was&nbsp;&nbsp;trying&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;better&nbsp;at&nbsp;something&nbsp;I<br>can't&nbsp;&nbsp;put&nbsp;in&nbsp;print,&nbsp;&nbsp;too.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kids,&nbsp;&nbsp;maybe<br>next&nbsp;time&nbsp;you&nbsp;should&nbsp;turn&nbsp;the&nbsp;car&nbsp;lights<br>off&nbsp;before&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;start&nbsp;&nbsp;making&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;bounce<br>around.<br><br>You&nbsp;know&nbsp;what&nbsp;else&nbsp;was&nbsp;bouncing?&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Men.&nbsp;&nbsp;Three&nbsp;of&nbsp;them,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;were&nbsp;the<br>only&nbsp;ones&nbsp;to&nbsp;volunteer&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;The&nbsp;Plank<br>on&nbsp;&nbsp;Amateur&nbsp;&nbsp;Night.&nbsp;&nbsp;That&nbsp;big&nbsp;boxer&nbsp;King<br>was&nbsp;down&nbsp;there,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;though&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;he<br>wouldn't&nbsp;dance.&nbsp;&nbsp;Scoping&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;the&nbsp;compe-<br>tition,&nbsp;perhaps?&nbsp;&nbsp;His&nbsp;&nbsp;new&nbsp;establishment<br>does&nbsp;&nbsp;seem&nbsp;to&nbsp;lack&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;grit.&nbsp;&nbsp;That<br>could&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;be&nbsp;memories&nbsp;of&nbsp;my&nbsp;shoes&nbsp;get-<br>ting&nbsp;stuck&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;floor&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;old&nbsp;glitter<br>and&nbsp;grog,&nbsp;however...<br><br>My&nbsp;&nbsp;sources&nbsp;&nbsp;also&nbsp;claim&nbsp;our&nbsp;favorite&nbsp;cop<br>crisper&nbsp;&nbsp;C.B.&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;there&nbsp;&nbsp;with<br>none&nbsp;other&nbsp;than&nbsp;Franklyn&nbsp;Garreau,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;a<br>cutey&nbsp;&nbsp;no&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;could&nbsp;&nbsp;quite&nbsp;get&nbsp;the&nbsp;name<br>of,&nbsp;too.&nbsp;&nbsp;On&nbsp;&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;&nbsp;Day?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;smell<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;threesome&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;air!&nbsp;&nbsp;Tell&nbsp;us,&nbsp;Mr.<br>Alexander,&nbsp;&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;cockles&nbsp;grow?<br>Pretty&nbsp;maids&nbsp;all&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;row?
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==February 22 2018==
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Enid was kidnapped!!
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==March 1 2018==
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Enid is still missing!!  Oh wait, she got away!
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==March 8 2018==
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Enid is home! Yay!  She is recovering, though, and couldn't collect enough gossip before her deadline.
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==March 15 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;to&nbsp;catch&nbsp;up&nbsp;on!&nbsp;Here&nbsp;we&nbsp;go<br>now...<br><br>In&nbsp;older&nbsp;news,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;owe&nbsp;Emmett&nbsp;Anderson&nbsp;a<br>great&nbsp;&nbsp;big&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you&nbsp;for&nbsp;egging&nbsp;my&nbsp;house<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;punished&nbsp;for&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Thanks&nbsp;to<br>his&nbsp;mom,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;for&nbsp;punishing&nbsp;him!&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Anyone&nbsp;else&nbsp;&nbsp;feel&nbsp;like&nbsp;weeding&nbsp;my&nbsp;flower<br>garden?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;sit&nbsp;inside&nbsp;and&nbsp;pretend&nbsp;to<br>get&nbsp;&nbsp;kidnapped&nbsp;again.&nbsp;&nbsp;Maybe&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;tropical<br>island&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;time;&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;an<br>improvement.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;missed&nbsp;the&nbsp;bombing&nbsp;of&nbsp;that<br>poor&nbsp;old&nbsp;&nbsp;bowling&nbsp;&nbsp;alley&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Fort<br>Brunsett,&nbsp;too.&nbsp;&nbsp;Can't&nbsp;say&nbsp;as&nbsp;I&nbsp;blame&nbsp;the<br>bombers,&nbsp;though.&nbsp;&nbsp;That&nbsp;place&nbsp;sold&nbsp;food&nbsp;I<br>never&nbsp;once&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;regret&nbsp;eating.&nbsp;&nbsp;Quick,<br>set&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;petition&nbsp;--&nbsp;better&nbsp;&nbsp;food&nbsp;&nbsp;for<br>better&nbsp;bowlers!<br><br>As&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;all&nbsp;love&nbsp;to&nbsp;hear<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;THE&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;was&nbsp;responsible,<br>I'm&nbsp;afraid&nbsp;police&nbsp;have&nbsp;already&nbsp;confirmed<br>he&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;premises.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;did&nbsp;hear&nbsp;a<br>juicy&nbsp;&nbsp;tidbit&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;drunken&nbsp;visit&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;hospital&nbsp;room&nbsp;of&nbsp;one&nbsp;Cerise&nbsp;Hodgson,<br>however,&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;delectably&nbsp;&nbsp;pathetic<br>bouquet&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;ward-load&nbsp;of&nbsp;yelling.&nbsp;&nbsp;Do<br>we&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;romance&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;offing?&nbsp;One<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;involves&nbsp;&nbsp;hospital&nbsp;&nbsp;security&nbsp;right<br>from&nbsp;the&nbsp;start&nbsp;can't&nbsp;possibly&nbsp;go&nbsp;wrong.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;bouquets...<br><br>Our&nbsp;&nbsp;favorite&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;seen&nbsp;buying<br>more&nbsp;than&nbsp;one&nbsp;handful&nbsp;of&nbsp;flowers&nbsp;lately,<br>and&nbsp;rumor&nbsp;has&nbsp;it,&nbsp;none&nbsp;of&nbsp;them&nbsp;have&nbsp;been<br>for&nbsp;Mina&nbsp;Grey!<br><br>Has&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;slutcracker&nbsp;ballerina&nbsp;lost&nbsp;her<br>leghold&nbsp;on&nbsp;his&nbsp;heart?<br><br>Is&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;true&nbsp;that&nbsp;they&nbsp;have&nbsp;ALL&nbsp;been&nbsp;for<br>one&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;employees?&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;let&nbsp;us<br>know,&nbsp;there's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;dear.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mandy&nbsp;needs&nbsp;the<br>laugh.&nbsp;A&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;tells&nbsp;me&nbsp;she&nbsp;tried<br>climbing&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;HER&nbsp;employee's&nbsp;back&nbsp;window,<br>fell,&nbsp;and&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;rescued&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>town's&nbsp;worst&nbsp;window-wedgie&nbsp;in&nbsp;decades...<br><br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;turns<br>out,&nbsp;cats&nbsp;really&nbsp;do&nbsp;know&nbsp;best&nbsp;about&nbsp;gold-<br>fish.&nbsp;&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;Desrochers&nbsp;Jr.&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;winner<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;kiddie-pool&nbsp;contest,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;real<br>prize&nbsp;&nbsp;should&nbsp;be&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;Bojangles,&nbsp;who,<br>I'm&nbsp;told,&nbsp;stood&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;numpad,&nbsp;&nbsp;then&nbsp;sat<br>his&nbsp;fuzzy&nbsp;patoot&nbsp;down&nbsp;right&nbsp;on&nbsp;top&nbsp;of&nbsp;Mr.<br>Desrochers'&nbsp;mouse-hand.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Jack,&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;should&nbsp;know&nbsp;better&nbsp;than&nbsp;to&nbsp;ig-<br>nore&nbsp;&nbsp;Bojangles.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;what&nbsp;happened<br>last&nbsp;time.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;Rocco,&nbsp;what's&nbsp;this&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;about&nbsp;you<br>and&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;colorful&nbsp;&nbsp;young&nbsp;&nbsp;woman&nbsp;&nbsp;talking<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;moving&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;together?&nbsp;&nbsp;Dana&nbsp;Shelley<br>says&nbsp;she&nbsp;overheard&nbsp;you&nbsp;two&nbsp;chatting&nbsp;about<br>looking&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;place.&nbsp;&nbsp;And&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;thought<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;girl&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;better&nbsp;taste...&nbsp;Guess&nbsp;all<br>it&nbsp;&nbsp;takes&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;melt&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;heart&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;ice&nbsp;is&nbsp;a<br>washed&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;(please,&nbsp;wash&nbsp;up)&nbsp;punk&nbsp;rocker<br>with&nbsp;a&nbsp;mouth&nbsp;in&nbsp;need&nbsp;of&nbsp;soap.<br><br>Johnny&nbsp;Quilby&nbsp;&nbsp;knows&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;about&nbsp;mouths&nbsp;in<br>need&nbsp;of&nbsp;soaping,&nbsp;now,&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;&nbsp;he?&nbsp;&nbsp;Shame<br>on&nbsp;you,&nbsp;teaching&nbsp;your&nbsp;baby&nbsp;brother&nbsp;to&nbsp;say<br>those&nbsp;bad&nbsp;words.&nbsp;Thank&nbsp;you&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;laughs<br>we&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;here&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;office,&nbsp;however,<br>from&nbsp;&nbsp;watching&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;videos&nbsp;you&nbsp;posted&nbsp;on<br>the&nbsp;internet...&nbsp;Just&nbsp;wait&nbsp;until&nbsp;he&nbsp;gets&nbsp;a<br>little&nbsp;&nbsp;older&nbsp;and&nbsp;learns&nbsp;what&nbsp;those&nbsp;words<br>all&nbsp;mean.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;surprised&nbsp;YOU&nbsp;do.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;rangers&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;one&nbsp;for&nbsp;us,&nbsp;too,<br>and&nbsp;I&nbsp;could&nbsp;have&nbsp;done&nbsp;without&nbsp;this&nbsp;one...<br>Evidently,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;herd&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;deer&nbsp;has&nbsp;somehow<br>decided&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;use&nbsp;a&nbsp;particular&nbsp;&nbsp;section&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;forest&nbsp;as&nbsp;their&nbsp;personal&nbsp;toilet.&nbsp;&nbsp;He<br>has&nbsp;never&nbsp;&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;much&nbsp;deer&nbsp;crap&nbsp;in&nbsp;his<br>career,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;hopes&nbsp;he&nbsp;never&nbsp;sees&nbsp;that<br>much&nbsp;again.&nbsp;&nbsp;Or&nbsp;steps&nbsp;in&nbsp;it.<br><br>Mr.&nbsp;Fry,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;so&nbsp;too,&nbsp;and&nbsp;please&nbsp;let&nbsp;me<br>know&nbsp;&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;bribe&nbsp;of&nbsp;movie&nbsp;tickets&nbsp;for<br>you&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;wife&nbsp;work&nbsp;out,&nbsp;for&nbsp;telling<br>me&nbsp;which&nbsp;valley&nbsp;to&nbsp;avoid.
  
==March 22 2018==
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==February 27, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;T&nbsp;A&nbsp;M&nbsp;A&nbsp;R&nbsp;A&nbsp;C&nbsp;K&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;T&nbsp;I&nbsp;M&nbsp;E&nbsp;S<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;GOSSIP&nbsp;COLUMN,&nbsp;by&nbsp;Enid&nbsp;SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;little&nbsp;John<br>Horner&nbsp;learned&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;hard&nbsp;way&nbsp;that,&nbsp;&nbsp;when<br>mama&nbsp;says&nbsp;to&nbsp;stop,&nbsp;you&nbsp;stop.<br><br>Don't&nbsp;worry.&nbsp;The&nbsp;ice&nbsp;broke&nbsp;his&nbsp;fall.&nbsp;And<br>his&nbsp;elbow.&nbsp;&nbsp;Condolences&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;Gibb&nbsp;slaps<br>may&nbsp;be&nbsp;directed&nbsp;to&nbsp;Mulberry&nbsp;Lane.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;self-injury,&nbsp;I&nbsp;just&nbsp;happened<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;overhear&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;few&nbsp;&nbsp;police&nbsp;officers&nbsp;the<br>other&nbsp;&nbsp;day&nbsp;&nbsp;talking&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;Electric&nbsp;City<br>blowing&nbsp;up&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;freak&nbsp;power&nbsp;surge.<br>My&nbsp;source&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;as&nbsp;open&nbsp;as&nbsp;I&nbsp;would&nbsp;have<br>liked,&nbsp;so&nbsp;it&nbsp;could&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;a&nbsp;Jane,&nbsp;Jan<br>or&nbsp;&nbsp;maybe&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;James.&nbsp;&nbsp;As&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;gossip<br>specialist,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;fail&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;today.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;you<br>know&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;themselves&nbsp;maimed,&nbsp;share!<br>Inquiring&nbsp;minds&nbsp;want&nbsp;schadenfreude!<br><br>Now,&nbsp;Mayor&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;been&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper<br>enough&nbsp;&nbsp;lately,&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;my&nbsp;opinion,&nbsp;so&nbsp;let's<br>share&nbsp;a&nbsp;wee&nbsp;tidbit&nbsp;of&nbsp;Spring&nbsp;&nbsp;silliness,<br>shall&nbsp;we?&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;he's&nbsp;a&nbsp;handsome<br>devil,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;we&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;he's&nbsp;an&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;too<br>sober&nbsp;one;&nbsp;trust&nbsp;me,&nbsp;the&nbsp;number&nbsp;of&nbsp;times<br>I've&nbsp;tried&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;that&nbsp;man&nbsp;to&nbsp;drink...<br><br>Just&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;day,&nbsp;&nbsp;Mandy&nbsp;Morrison&nbsp;says<br>she&nbsp;saw&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Mayor&nbsp;out&nbsp;behind&nbsp;her&nbsp;house,<br>wearing&nbsp;red&nbsp;boxers&nbsp;with&nbsp;white&nbsp;hearts&nbsp;all<br>over,&nbsp;&nbsp;chasing&nbsp;down&nbsp;what&nbsp;she&nbsp;swore&nbsp;was&nbsp;a<br>little&nbsp;kid&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;dressed&nbsp;up&nbsp;like&nbsp;an&nbsp;elf.<br>Pretty&nbsp;thorough&nbsp;&nbsp;mask,&nbsp;&nbsp;too.&nbsp;&nbsp;They&nbsp;&nbsp;went<br>around&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;corner&nbsp;&nbsp;pretty&nbsp;&nbsp;quick,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I<br>now&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;it&nbsp;on&nbsp;excellent&nbsp;authority&nbsp;that<br>our&nbsp;Mayor&nbsp;has&nbsp;one&nbsp;spectacular&nbsp;ass.<br><br>Kip,&nbsp;&nbsp;however,&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;concealing&nbsp;his.<br><br>Don't&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;that&nbsp;no&nbsp;matter&nbsp;how&nbsp;many<br>girls&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;run&nbsp;&nbsp;through,&nbsp;&nbsp;trying&nbsp;to&nbsp;beat&nbsp;<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;town's&nbsp;speed-dumping&nbsp;&nbsp;records,&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>will&nbsp;always&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;love?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;for<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;fact&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;Sally&nbsp;Quinn&nbsp;has&nbsp;a&nbsp;mind&nbsp;to<br>share&nbsp;her&nbsp;muffins&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;you&nbsp;any&nbsp;time&nbsp;you<br>like.&nbsp;&nbsp;Of&nbsp;course,&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;boyfriend&nbsp;seemed<br>to&nbsp;disagree&nbsp;with&nbsp;the&nbsp;idea...
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;been<br>informed&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;Rocco&nbsp;would&nbsp;never&nbsp;consent<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;degree&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;cleanliness&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;non-<br>smoking&nbsp;which&nbsp;would&nbsp;be&nbsp;required&nbsp;to&nbsp;cohab-<br>itate&nbsp;with&nbsp;November.<br><br>Crushing&nbsp;our&nbsp;dreams&nbsp;of&nbsp;romance&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;bud<br>seems&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;theme,&nbsp;lately,&nbsp;but&nbsp;don't<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;worry,&nbsp;readers.&nbsp;&nbsp;Sit&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;Crossroads<br>Cafe&nbsp;long&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;see&nbsp;exactly<br>what&nbsp;I&nbsp;mean.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;cafe,&nbsp;Elmer,&nbsp;if&nbsp;I&nbsp;were<br>you,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;give&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;giant&nbsp;bouquets&nbsp;of<br>roses&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;something&nbsp;subtler.&nbsp;&nbsp;A<br>nice&nbsp;necklace,&nbsp;or&nbsp;a&nbsp;bracelet...&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;I've<br>heard&nbsp;rumours&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;jeweler&nbsp;setting&nbsp;up<br>shop&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;city&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;farmer's<br>market.&nbsp;&nbsp;She&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;much&nbsp;stock,&nbsp;but<br>she&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;&nbsp;she's&nbsp;made&nbsp;it&nbsp;all&nbsp;herself,&nbsp;and<br>my&nbsp;sources&nbsp;&nbsp;claim&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;gems&nbsp;&nbsp;look&nbsp;&nbsp;real,<br>engraved&nbsp;silver,&nbsp;filigree&nbsp;pendants,&nbsp;semi-<br>precious&nbsp;stones&nbsp;and&nbsp;all.<br><br>We're&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;closer&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;March,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the<br>time&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;green&nbsp;&nbsp;beer&nbsp;&nbsp;approaches.&nbsp;I&nbsp;got&nbsp;a<br>sneak&nbsp;&nbsp;peek&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;vats&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;at&nbsp;I&nbsp;Feel<br>Hoppy&nbsp;this&nbsp;week,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;brewery&nbsp;is&nbsp;kick-<br>ing&nbsp;into&nbsp;gear,&nbsp;big-time.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>What&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;think?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;What's&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;ideal<br>green&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;beer?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;<br>drinking&nbsp;&nbsp;dye,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;all&nbsp;the&nbsp;way<br>in,&nbsp;but&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;hand,&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;can<br>use&nbsp;natural&nbsp;ingredients&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;achieve&nbsp;simi-<br>lar&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;coloration&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;without&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sacrificing<br>flavor,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;claim&nbsp;they&nbsp;are&nbsp;going<br>to&nbsp;do,&nbsp;why&nbsp;not?
  
==March 29 2018==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;town's<br>favorite&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;Kensington&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;back&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>spotlight,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;hoo&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;a&nbsp;doozy.<br>Miss&nbsp;Ethel&nbsp;says&nbsp;there&nbsp;she&nbsp;was,&nbsp;&nbsp;buying&nbsp;a<br>nice&nbsp;book&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;little&nbsp;nephew&nbsp;over&nbsp;at<br>Homepage&nbsp;&nbsp;Books,&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;nowhere,&nbsp;<br>there&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;was,&nbsp;&nbsp;asking&nbsp;a&nbsp;female&nbsp;employee<br>if&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;hot.<br><br>Just&nbsp;wait.&nbsp;&nbsp;It&nbsp;gets&nbsp;better.<br><br>THEN,&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;said&nbsp;something&nbsp;about&nbsp;getting&nbsp;a<br>raincoat&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;&nbsp;meet&nbsp;&nbsp;another&nbsp;&nbsp;girl.&nbsp;&nbsp;A<br>girl&nbsp;who&nbsp;was&nbsp;not&nbsp;Mina,&nbsp;it&nbsp;must&nbsp;be&nbsp;noted.<br>Who&nbsp;IS&nbsp;this&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;woman&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;phone?<br><br>Even&nbsp;&nbsp;better,&nbsp;&nbsp;reliable&nbsp;&nbsp;sources&nbsp;tell&nbsp;me<br>that&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;overheard&nbsp;having&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;chat<br>with&nbsp;Copfire&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;himself.&nbsp;Not&nbsp;just<br>a&nbsp;chat,&nbsp;&nbsp;no,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;rather&nbsp;&nbsp;pointed<br>questions&nbsp;about&nbsp;C.B.'s&nbsp;interest&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Mina<br>Grey.&nbsp;&nbsp;Will&nbsp;this&nbsp;love&nbsp;triangle&nbsp;ever&nbsp;end?<br><br>Kip,&nbsp;our&nbsp;rabid&nbsp;readers&nbsp;are&nbsp;dying&nbsp;to&nbsp;know<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;truth.&nbsp;&nbsp;When&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;talked&nbsp;with&nbsp;C.B.<br>about&nbsp;rings,&nbsp;was&nbsp;that&nbsp;for&nbsp;you&nbsp;or&nbsp;for&nbsp;one<br>of&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;harem?&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;Cerise's&nbsp;name<br>came&nbsp;&nbsp;up,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;could&nbsp;explain&nbsp;&nbsp;why&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>were&nbsp;asking&nbsp;her&nbsp;if&nbsp;you&nbsp;were&nbsp;hot...<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;ladies,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have<br>it&nbsp;on&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;authority&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;local&nbsp;story-<br>teller&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;hair-dye&nbsp;enthusiast&nbsp;November<br>was&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;Aspire&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;hockey<br>rink&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;rather&nbsp;talented&nbsp;young&nbsp;woman.<br>Talented&nbsp;in&nbsp;more&nbsp;than&nbsp;one&nbsp;way,&nbsp;it&nbsp;seems.<br>You&nbsp;go,&nbsp;girl.&nbsp;&nbsp;Turning&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;time-out&nbsp;&nbsp;box<br>into&nbsp;a&nbsp;kissing&nbsp;booth&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;the&nbsp;Enid&nbsp;stamp<br>of&nbsp;approval!<br><br>What&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;my&nbsp;approval?<br><br>Letting&nbsp;dogs&nbsp;take&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;dump&nbsp;on&nbsp;public&nbsp;land<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;cleaning&nbsp;it&nbsp;up.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;sees<br>the&nbsp;owner&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;dog&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;particularly<br>large&nbsp;rectum&nbsp;down&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;gardens,<br>do&nbsp;&nbsp;let&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;&nbsp;know,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;thank&nbsp;them<br>for&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;contribution&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;public<br>health&nbsp;and&nbsp;safety&nbsp;codes.
 
  
==April 5, 2018==
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==March 05, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
 
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;I<br>started&nbsp;rumors&nbsp;all&nbsp;on&nbsp;my&nbsp;lonesome,&nbsp;which<br>is&nbsp;an&nbsp;entertainment,&nbsp;I&nbsp;assure&nbsp;you.&nbsp;&nbsp;Yes,<br>I&nbsp;did&nbsp;indeed&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;clumps&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;extremely<br>handsome&nbsp;young&nbsp;&nbsp;gentlemen&nbsp;&nbsp;coming&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;my<br>office&nbsp;to&nbsp;give&nbsp;me&nbsp;gifts.&nbsp;&nbsp;Ladies,&nbsp;too.<br><br>Thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;and&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;kind<br>words&nbsp;and&nbsp;wishes.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Alexander,&nbsp;&nbsp;thank<br>you,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;effort&nbsp;you&nbsp;put&nbsp;into<br>telling&nbsp;the&nbsp;world&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;an&nbsp;abomination.<br><br>I&nbsp;respect&nbsp;your&nbsp;opinions.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mine&nbsp;differ.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;different,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;you&nbsp;haven't<br>gone&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;farm&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;fields,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>recommend&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;trip&nbsp;out&nbsp;west&nbsp;of&nbsp;town.&nbsp;&nbsp;The<br>Rackhams&nbsp;&nbsp;chalked&nbsp;each&nbsp;and&nbsp;every&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;of<br>their&nbsp;sheep&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Easter&nbsp;egg&nbsp;&nbsp;stripes&nbsp;and<br>spots.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;assured&nbsp;that&nbsp;all&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;chalk&nbsp;sprays&nbsp;&nbsp;used&nbsp;are&nbsp;biodegradable<br>and&nbsp;not&nbsp;harmful&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;animals.<br><br>Belated&nbsp;Easter&nbsp;themes&nbsp;are&nbsp;the&nbsp;way&nbsp;to&nbsp;go,<br>it&nbsp;seems.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;the&nbsp;mighty&nbsp;magic-<br>ians&nbsp;&nbsp;Haruki&nbsp;and&nbsp;Itsuki&nbsp;&nbsp;ran&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;&nbsp;Easter<br>event&nbsp;for&nbsp;kids&nbsp;with&nbsp;themed&nbsp;magic&nbsp;tricks,<br>an&nbsp;&nbsp;egg&nbsp;&nbsp;hunt&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;real&nbsp;&nbsp;rabbits.&nbsp;&nbsp;As&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>gardener,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;gotta&nbsp;&nbsp;say,&nbsp;&nbsp;petting&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>bunny&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;my&nbsp;current&nbsp;desire...<br><br>I&nbsp;know&nbsp;someone&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;does&nbsp;desire&nbsp;petting,<br>however.&nbsp;&nbsp;Tommy,&nbsp;&nbsp;next&nbsp;&nbsp;time&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;steal<br>your&nbsp;papa's&nbsp;liquor,&nbsp;leave&nbsp;the&nbsp;cell&nbsp;phone<br>at&nbsp;&nbsp;home.&nbsp;&nbsp;Drunk&nbsp;&nbsp;texting&nbsp;&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;all<br>people,&nbsp;is&nbsp;just&nbsp;asking&nbsp;for&nbsp;trouble.&nbsp;&nbsp;You<br>also&nbsp;owe&nbsp;me&nbsp;$5&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;bet&nbsp;you&nbsp;made&nbsp;that<br>I&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;print&nbsp;it.
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>new&nbsp;brawl&nbsp;under&nbsp;our&nbsp;collective&nbsp;belts!&nbsp;I'm<br>pleased&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;that,&nbsp;while&nbsp;patrons&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>library&nbsp;were&nbsp;&nbsp;disturbed&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;noise&nbsp;out-<br>side,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;sisters&nbsp;&nbsp;involved,&nbsp;&nbsp;Merle<br>Dalton&nbsp;and&nbsp;Sophia&nbsp;Caruso,&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;courteous<br>enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;keep&nbsp;the&nbsp;fight&nbsp;to&nbsp;words&nbsp;instead<br>of&nbsp;blows.&nbsp;&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;heard&nbsp;bits&nbsp;of&nbsp;it<br>myself,&nbsp;through&nbsp;my&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;office&nbsp;window,<br>incoherent&nbsp;though&nbsp;it&nbsp;was.&nbsp;&nbsp;From&nbsp;what&nbsp;I've<br>gathered,&nbsp;folks&nbsp;say&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;ultimately&nbsp;one<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;employees&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe&nbsp;who<br>came&nbsp;out&nbsp;and&nbsp;broke&nbsp;it&nbsp;up.&nbsp;&nbsp;Those&nbsp;are&nbsp;some<br>tough&nbsp;women.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;not&nbsp;surprised.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe...<br><br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;tall,&nbsp;&nbsp;long-haired&nbsp;&nbsp;eccentric&nbsp;&nbsp;whom&nbsp;my<br>sources&nbsp;call&nbsp;Ishmael&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;glit-<br>ter&nbsp;problem&nbsp;there.&nbsp;&nbsp;To&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;more&nbsp;specific,<br>he&nbsp;&nbsp;blew&nbsp;&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;lovely<br>young&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;lady,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Saga,&nbsp;&nbsp;during&nbsp;&nbsp;breakfast.<br>Frankly,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;surprised&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;let&nbsp;inside<br>the&nbsp;building&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;place.&nbsp;Isn't&nbsp;it<br>supposed&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;"No&nbsp;shirt,&nbsp;no&nbsp;SHOES,&nbsp;no<br>service"?<br><br>I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;comments&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;staff<br>over&nbsp;at&nbsp;Sweet&nbsp;Treats,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;about&nbsp;a&nbsp;man&nbsp;of<br>similar&nbsp;&nbsp;description&nbsp;&nbsp;loitering&nbsp;there&nbsp;for<br>an&nbsp;entire&nbsp;day.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;he'd&nbsp;been&nbsp;doing&nbsp;some-<br>thing&nbsp;&nbsp;useful,&nbsp;they&nbsp;said,&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't<br>have&nbsp;cared&nbsp;as&nbsp;much&nbsp;about&nbsp;his&nbsp;bare&nbsp;minimum<br>purchases&nbsp;and&nbsp;cheapo&nbsp;ways,&nbsp;but&nbsp;reading&nbsp;a<br>book&nbsp;with&nbsp;no&nbsp;text&nbsp;in&nbsp;it?&nbsp;&nbsp;Really?<br><br>As&nbsp;bizarre&nbsp;as&nbsp;this&nbsp;town&nbsp;can&nbsp;be,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;no<br>doubt&nbsp;he'll&nbsp;fit&nbsp;in&nbsp;just&nbsp;fine.<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;that&nbsp;freak&nbsp;hail&nbsp;storm<br>yesterday&nbsp;&nbsp;spooked&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;dairy<br>herd,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;they'll&nbsp;be&nbsp;looking&nbsp;for<br>some&nbsp;construction&nbsp;&nbsp;workers&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;near<br>future,&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;replace&nbsp;the&nbsp;fencing&nbsp;scaredy-<br>cows&nbsp;broke&nbsp;through...<br><br>No&nbsp;one&nbsp;was&nbsp;hurt,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;were&nbsp;re-<br>covered&nbsp;safely.&nbsp;&nbsp;They're&nbsp;in&nbsp;another&nbsp;field<br>for&nbsp;now,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;don't&nbsp;you&nbsp;worry.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been<br>assured&nbsp;that&nbsp;they'll&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;back&nbsp;&nbsp;home&nbsp;in&nbsp;a<br>jiffy.
 
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==April 12, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;a&nbsp;long-term<br>reader&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;determined&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;flood&nbsp;me&nbsp;with<br>rabbits.<br><br>Haruki,&nbsp;kid,&nbsp;you're&nbsp;a&nbsp;magician.&nbsp;Use&nbsp;your<br>magic&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;keep&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;gosh&nbsp;&nbsp;darned&nbsp;bunnies<br>out&nbsp;of&nbsp;my&nbsp;tulips,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;won't&nbsp;need&nbsp;to&nbsp;be<br>upset&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;them.&nbsp;&nbsp;They&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;clover<br>patch&nbsp;and&nbsp;plenty&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;greens&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>woods.<br><br>The&nbsp;deer&nbsp;have&nbsp;returned,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;as&nbsp;Delilah<br>learned&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;night&nbsp;on&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street.<br>Del,&nbsp;you&nbsp;let&nbsp;us&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;the&nbsp;kids&nbsp;need&nbsp;a<br>ride&nbsp;anywhere.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let&nbsp;me&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;when&nbsp;you're<br>finally&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;up&nbsp;that&nbsp;prescription&nbsp;on<br>your&nbsp;glasses,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;because&nbsp;your&nbsp;radiator<br>has&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;holes&nbsp;to&nbsp;prove&nbsp;that&nbsp;buck&nbsp;wasn't<br>a&nbsp;bush...<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;friends&nbsp;in&nbsp;need,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell<br>our&nbsp;&nbsp;favorite&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;managed&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;find&nbsp;some<br>booze&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett&nbsp;this&nbsp;past<br>week.&nbsp;Who&nbsp;knew&nbsp;Cat-22&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;bar&nbsp;upstairs<br>and,&nbsp;more&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;point,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;knew&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip<br>actually&nbsp;drank&nbsp;in&nbsp;public?&nbsp;<br><br>Maybe&nbsp;he&nbsp;shouldn't&nbsp;have.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;'not-nerdy&nbsp;girl'&nbsp;without<br>glasses&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;Mina&nbsp;had&nbsp;to&nbsp;drag<br>him,&nbsp;mumbling,&nbsp;down&nbsp;the&nbsp;stairs.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;also&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;talking&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;an<br>imaginary&nbsp;friend&nbsp;named&nbsp;&nbsp;Andrew&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;at<br>Homepage.&nbsp;&nbsp;Everything&nbsp;&nbsp;okay&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;you,<br>Kip?&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;adore&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;guarantee<br>Missy&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;share&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;her<br>famous&nbsp;peach&nbsp;pie&nbsp;if&nbsp;you&nbsp;were&nbsp;poorly.&nbsp;She<br>told&nbsp;me&nbsp;just&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;day&nbsp;how&nbsp;much&nbsp;she<br>loves&nbsp;&nbsp;reading&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper,<br>didn't&nbsp;she,&nbsp;Missy?<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;fanfic&nbsp;&nbsp;shipping&nbsp;of&nbsp;you&nbsp;and&nbsp;C.B.&nbsp;is<br>still&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;best.&nbsp;&nbsp;Bernadette&nbsp;Peters&nbsp;&nbsp;has<br>sent&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;three&nbsp;comics&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;two,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;supposed&nbsp;to&nbsp;tell&nbsp;her&nbsp;mama<br>that&nbsp;she&nbsp;expects&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;called&nbsp;B.P.&nbsp;now<br>in&nbsp;C.B.'s&nbsp;image,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;plans&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;setting<br>fire&nbsp;to&nbsp;any&nbsp;broccoli&nbsp;which&nbsp;finds&nbsp;its&nbsp;way<br>onto&nbsp;her&nbsp;plate&nbsp;at&nbsp;night.<br><br>B.P.,&nbsp;you&nbsp;are&nbsp;an&nbsp;inspiration&nbsp;to&nbsp;us&nbsp;all.
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==April 19, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;remain&nbsp;a<br>victim&nbsp;of&nbsp;rabbit&nbsp;flooding.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kid,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;live<br>surrounded&nbsp;by&nbsp;fields,&nbsp;and&nbsp;trees.&nbsp;If&nbsp;they<br>aren't&nbsp;getting&nbsp;enough&nbsp;grass,&nbsp;&nbsp;that's&nbsp;not<br>my&nbsp;fault.<br><br>What&nbsp;IS&nbsp;my&nbsp;fault&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;delectable&nbsp;snack<br>tray&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;newspaper&nbsp;headquarters&nbsp;this<br>week.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;shamelessly&nbsp;&nbsp;self-advertise&nbsp;&nbsp;my<br>cooking,&nbsp;and&nbsp;invite&nbsp;everyone&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;mail&nbsp;in<br>any&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;advice&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;make&nbsp;it&nbsp;better.<br>Mayor&nbsp;Jack,&nbsp;I&nbsp;already&nbsp;have&nbsp;yours.&nbsp;&nbsp;No,&nbsp;I<br>will&nbsp;not&nbsp;stop&nbsp;baking.<br><br>While&nbsp;I&nbsp;won't&nbsp;stop&nbsp;baking,&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;won't<br>stop&nbsp;&nbsp;loving,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;thankful.&nbsp;<br>Please,&nbsp;keep&nbsp;loving&nbsp;each&nbsp;other,&nbsp;and&nbsp;keep<br>having&nbsp;disasters&nbsp;like&nbsp;that&nbsp;incident&nbsp;down<br>at&nbsp;the&nbsp;mall&nbsp;last&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;Bandies,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;you<br>read&nbsp;this,&nbsp;correct&nbsp;me.&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;&nbsp;group&nbsp;&nbsp;called<br>'Red&nbsp;Lost&nbsp;Dead&nbsp;Lost'&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;performing&nbsp;&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;food&nbsp;court,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;ended&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;finishing<br>with&nbsp;a&nbsp;Springer-worthy&nbsp;love&nbsp;triangle,&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>failed&nbsp;proposal&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;outing,&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;at<br>once.&nbsp;&nbsp;Come&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;think&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;local<br>magician&nbsp;was&nbsp;there,&nbsp;too...<br><br>Haruki,&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;you&nbsp;getting&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;match-<br>making&nbsp;business?<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;matches,&nbsp;I&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;heard&nbsp;any<br>news&nbsp;about&nbsp;our&nbsp;darling&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;&nbsp;ladies,&nbsp;&nbsp;so<br>don't&nbsp;you&nbsp;worry.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;falls&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;and<br>dies,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;sure&nbsp;&nbsp;we'll&nbsp;all&nbsp;hear&nbsp;about&nbsp;it.<br>The&nbsp;cops&nbsp;are&nbsp;asking&nbsp;folks&nbsp;to&nbsp;stop&nbsp;lining<br>up&nbsp;&nbsp;outside&nbsp;&nbsp;Homepage,&nbsp;however,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;am<br>going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;say&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;only&nbsp;once:&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;not<br>giving&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;either&nbsp;Kip's&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;C.B.<br>Alexander's&nbsp;&nbsp;personal&nbsp;&nbsp;addresses,&nbsp;&nbsp;phone<br>numbers&nbsp;or&nbsp;any&nbsp;other&nbsp;information.&nbsp;Please<br>stop&nbsp;asking!<br><br>Let's&nbsp;start&nbsp;thinking&nbsp;about&nbsp;frozen&nbsp;bread,<br>instead.&nbsp;&nbsp;Who&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;think&nbsp;the&nbsp;winner's<br>going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;be?&nbsp;&nbsp;Give&nbsp;me&nbsp;your&nbsp;ideas!&nbsp;&nbsp;What<br>themes&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;think&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Spring&nbsp;Fling&nbsp;is<br>going&nbsp;to&nbsp;end&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;stuck&nbsp;&nbsp;with?&nbsp;&nbsp;Can't&nbsp;&nbsp;be<br>worse&nbsp;&nbsp;than&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;Spongebob&nbsp;Squarepants<br>debacle&nbsp;three&nbsp;years&nbsp;back...
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==April 30, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;certain<br>newspaper&nbsp;owner&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;learned&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;valuable<br>lesson:&nbsp;don't&nbsp;tick&nbsp;off&nbsp;the&nbsp;high&nbsp;schooler<br>who&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;hired&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;bring&nbsp;&nbsp;half-decent<br>coffee.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;high&nbsp;schooler&nbsp;has&nbsp;learned,&nbsp;in&nbsp;turn,<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;watching&nbsp;&nbsp;where&nbsp;she&nbsp;&nbsp;stomps&nbsp;may&nbsp;be<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;idea&nbsp;when&nbsp;carrying&nbsp;an&nbsp;armful&nbsp;of<br>paper&nbsp;cups&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;steaming&nbsp;hot&nbsp;java.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;electrician&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;updating&nbsp;our<br>circuit&nbsp;&nbsp;breaker&nbsp;has,&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;turn,&nbsp;&nbsp;learned<br>just&nbsp;how&nbsp;long&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;takes&nbsp;to&nbsp;clean&nbsp;out&nbsp;the<br>electrical&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;conduits&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;fix&nbsp;&nbsp;shorted<br>wires...<br><br>Long&nbsp;&nbsp;story&nbsp;&nbsp;short,&nbsp;&nbsp;sorry&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;late<br>publication,&nbsp;folks.<br><br>Also,&nbsp;&nbsp;sorry,&nbsp;&nbsp;Hank.&nbsp;&nbsp;How&nbsp;was&nbsp;I&nbsp;supposed<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;dye&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;bandage&nbsp;would<br>bleed?&nbsp;&nbsp;Better&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;than&nbsp;&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;though.&nbsp;I<br>don't&nbsp;look&nbsp;great&nbsp;in&nbsp;pink&nbsp;hearts.<br><br>Following&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;apparent&nbsp;&nbsp;rabbit<br>theme,&nbsp;lately,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;Haruki&nbsp;was&nbsp;seen<br>running&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett's<br>riverside&nbsp;park&nbsp;on&nbsp;spring&nbsp;stilts,&nbsp;dressed<br>up&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;rabbit&nbsp;and&nbsp;making&nbsp;origami,&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>guessed&nbsp;it,&nbsp;more&nbsp;rabbits,&nbsp;for&nbsp;children.<br><br>Kid,&nbsp;try&nbsp;a&nbsp;cat&nbsp;or&nbsp;something.&nbsp;&nbsp;Be&nbsp;a&nbsp;super<br>hero.&nbsp;&nbsp;No&nbsp;way&nbsp;is&nbsp;DC&nbsp;Comics&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;make<br>a&nbsp;movie&nbsp;for&nbsp;Rabbitman.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;heroes,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;has<br>made&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;name&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;himself&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;&nbsp;otter<br>whisperer.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been&nbsp;sent&nbsp;at&nbsp;least&nbsp;four<br>YouTube&nbsp;&nbsp;links&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;videos&nbsp;and&nbsp;commentary<br>on&nbsp;the&nbsp;incident,&nbsp;and&nbsp;on&nbsp;his&nbsp;heckler.<br><br>Your&nbsp;&nbsp;park&nbsp;&nbsp;rangers&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;action,&nbsp;&nbsp;folks.<br>Kudos,&nbsp;Jack.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>P.S.&nbsp;The&nbsp;otter's&nbsp;cuter.
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==May 3, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a<br>bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;fun&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;&nbsp;contractor&nbsp;and<br>amateur&nbsp;fisher&nbsp;Leon&nbsp;Huskey.&nbsp;See,&nbsp;he&nbsp;went<br>on&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;fishing&nbsp;spot&nbsp;by&nbsp;South-<br>bridge,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;HE&nbsp;says&nbsp;he<br>tripped&nbsp;over&nbsp;some&nbsp;sort&nbsp;of&nbsp;pothole&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>dirt.&nbsp;&nbsp;Caught&nbsp;&nbsp;himself&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;crack&nbsp;on<br>the&nbsp;jaw&nbsp;for&nbsp;it,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;but&nbsp;no&nbsp;one&nbsp;else&nbsp;has<br>seen&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;much&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;whisker&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;pothole<br>there.&nbsp;&nbsp;Leon,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;it&nbsp;makes&nbsp;me&nbsp;kiss&nbsp;&nbsp;dirt<br>as&nbsp;well&nbsp;as&nbsp;you&nbsp;did,&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;even&nbsp;want&nbsp;to<br>know&nbsp;what&nbsp;you&nbsp;were&nbsp;drinking.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;river,&nbsp;&nbsp;May&nbsp;first&nbsp;has<br>come&nbsp;and&nbsp;gone,&nbsp;and&nbsp;that&nbsp;means&nbsp;those&nbsp;zany<br>Lefevres&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;prancing&nbsp;around&nbsp;doing&nbsp;&nbsp;as<br>pagans&nbsp;do&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;celebrate&nbsp;Beltane.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear<br>tell&nbsp;our&nbsp;old&nbsp;Hollywood&nbsp;Hopeful,&nbsp;Cam,&nbsp;was<br>seen&nbsp;giving&nbsp;his&nbsp;sister's&nbsp;roomie&nbsp;cow-eyes<br>while&nbsp;singing&nbsp;a&nbsp;love&nbsp;song&nbsp;on&nbsp;his&nbsp;guitar.<br><br>Is&nbsp;romance&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;air?&nbsp;&nbsp;Time&nbsp;will&nbsp;tell!<br><br>If&nbsp;Cerise's&nbsp;bruises&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;C.B.'s&nbsp;form&nbsp;of<br>romance,&nbsp;&nbsp;however,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;them.<br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;I,&nbsp;for&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;think&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;guy<br>did&nbsp;it,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;plenty&nbsp;of&nbsp;voices<br>wondering&nbsp;&nbsp;whether&nbsp;&nbsp;Cerise&nbsp;&nbsp;could&nbsp;really<br>get&nbsp;THAT&nbsp;many&nbsp;bruises&nbsp;just&nbsp;from&nbsp;slipping<br>on&nbsp;a&nbsp;couple&nbsp;of&nbsp;rocks&nbsp;under&nbsp;a&nbsp;stream.<br><br>Cerise,&nbsp;do&nbsp;tell.&nbsp;&nbsp;Were&nbsp;you&nbsp;doing&nbsp;a&nbsp;tango<br>out&nbsp;there&nbsp;somewhere?&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;Kip's&nbsp;pretty<br>terrible&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;dancing,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;I&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;put<br>it&nbsp;&nbsp;past&nbsp;the&nbsp;guy&nbsp;to&nbsp;end&nbsp;up&nbsp;giving&nbsp;you&nbsp;an<br>elbow&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;eye...
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==May 10, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;only<br>good&nbsp;to&nbsp;say.<br><br>Promise.<br><br>It's&nbsp;the&nbsp;talk&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;Fry<br>may&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;more&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;stand-up&nbsp;guy,&nbsp;&nbsp;if<br>you&nbsp;know&nbsp;what&nbsp;I&nbsp;mean.&nbsp;&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;Trudy&nbsp;at&nbsp;the<br>general&nbsp;store&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;saying&nbsp;just&nbsp;the&nbsp;other<br>day&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;out&nbsp;shopping,&nbsp;she<br>overheard&nbsp;a&nbsp;twenty-something&nbsp;&nbsp;girl&nbsp;&nbsp;call<br>him&nbsp;her&nbsp;daddy,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;just&nbsp;the<br>spitting&nbsp;image&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;late&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Fry...<br><br>Welcome&nbsp;to&nbsp;town,&nbsp;kid.&nbsp;&nbsp;Go&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;something<br>inadvisable&nbsp;and&nbsp;fun.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;"inadvisable&nbsp;and&nbsp;fun"&nbsp;things<br>to&nbsp;be&nbsp;doing,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;a&nbsp;trucker&nbsp;on<br>his&nbsp;&nbsp;way&nbsp;&nbsp;through&nbsp;may&nbsp;have&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;too<br>much&nbsp;to&nbsp;drink.&nbsp;&nbsp;Either&nbsp;&nbsp;that,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;he's&nbsp;a<br>fibber.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;few<br>different&nbsp;&nbsp;sources,&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;best&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;can<br>piece&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;together,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;man&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;trans-<br>porting&nbsp;&nbsp;crates&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;food.&nbsp;&nbsp;When&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;got<br>out&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;started&nbsp;&nbsp;unpacking&nbsp;it&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;he<br>found&nbsp;two&nbsp;cans&nbsp;had&nbsp;been&nbsp;opened&nbsp;and&nbsp;eaten<br>up,&nbsp;turned&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;"mice"&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;craft<br>paper&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;glue.&nbsp;<br><br>Just&nbsp;wait.&nbsp;It&nbsp;gets&nbsp;even&nbsp;better.<br><br>See,&nbsp;&nbsp;along&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;the&nbsp;"mice"&nbsp;left&nbsp;there,<br>some-mouse&nbsp;&nbsp;left&nbsp;&nbsp;copious&nbsp;&nbsp;quantities&nbsp;of<br>glitter,&nbsp;&nbsp;complete&nbsp;with&nbsp;teensy&nbsp;tiny&nbsp;foot<br>prints&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;back&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;truck.<br>Another&nbsp;driver,&nbsp;&nbsp;heading&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;town&nbsp;&nbsp;last<br>Tuesday&nbsp;night,&nbsp;&nbsp;saw&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;&nbsp;sparkling&nbsp;kids<br>laughing&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;fool&nbsp;heads&nbsp;&nbsp;off&nbsp;&nbsp;jumping<br>out&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;truck&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;stop&nbsp;light,&nbsp;but<br>when&nbsp;he&nbsp;went&nbsp;back&nbsp;to&nbsp;check&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;out,&nbsp;&nbsp;all<br>he&nbsp;found&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;splash&nbsp;of&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>road.<br><br>Kids,&nbsp;&nbsp;needless&nbsp;to&nbsp;say,&nbsp;it's&nbsp;not&nbsp;a&nbsp;smart<br>idea&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;hitch-hike&nbsp;and&nbsp;it's&nbsp;not&nbsp;a&nbsp;legal<br>idea&nbsp;to&nbsp;hitch-hike&nbsp;and&nbsp;steal&nbsp;a&nbsp;company's<br>property,&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;it&nbsp;tastes&nbsp;fantastic,<br>though&nbsp;canned&nbsp;food&nbsp;tasting&nbsp;&nbsp;fantastic&nbsp;is<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;speculation&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;&nbsp;save&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;column<br>where&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;allowing&nbsp;myself&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;things<br>which&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;good.<br><br>Last&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;what's&nbsp;this&nbsp;about<br>Miss&nbsp;Mina&nbsp;wearing&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;particular&nbsp;ring&nbsp;on<br>her&nbsp;finger?&nbsp;&nbsp;Do&nbsp;tell!&nbsp;&nbsp;That's&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;kind<br>glitter&nbsp;we&nbsp;all&nbsp;WANT&nbsp;to&nbsp;see.<br>
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==May 17, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>LOT&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;through.&nbsp;You&nbsp;folks&nbsp;are&nbsp;great!<br><br>First,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;down&nbsp;at<br>the&nbsp;Seventh&nbsp;House&nbsp;Cafe&nbsp;&nbsp;saying&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;the<br>owner,&nbsp;&nbsp;Avalon,&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;planning&nbsp;on&nbsp;hosting<br>some&nbsp;&nbsp;sort&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;fair&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;near&nbsp;future.<br>As&nbsp;long&nbsp;as&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;White&nbsp;Witch&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;North<br>here&nbsp;has&nbsp;some&nbsp;good&nbsp;black&nbsp;tea,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;in.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;doubtful&nbsp;on&nbsp;this&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'm<br>morally&nbsp;&nbsp;obligated&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;defend&nbsp;your&nbsp;goats<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;virgins:&nbsp;&nbsp;watch&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;so-called<br>Satanists&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;July&nbsp;27th.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;they're<br>setting&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;big&nbsp;event&nbsp;down&nbsp;by<br>the&nbsp;river.<br><br>Events&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;way&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;go,&nbsp;it&nbsp;seems,<br>because&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;gold-flinging&nbsp;Logan&nbsp;Brenner<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;it&nbsp;again.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;been&nbsp;able<br>to&nbsp;get&nbsp;details,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;to&nbsp;stay<br>tuned&nbsp;for&nbsp;those,&nbsp;but&nbsp;it&nbsp;sounds&nbsp;like&nbsp;he's<br>planning&nbsp;a&nbsp;big&nbsp;lakeside&nbsp;barbecue&nbsp;down&nbsp;in<br>Fort&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Brunsett&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;charity.&nbsp;&nbsp;Anyone<br>feeling&nbsp;hungry?<br><br>If&nbsp;&nbsp;you're&nbsp;feeling&nbsp;hungry&nbsp;for&nbsp;abuse,&nbsp;our<br>favorite&nbsp;curmudgeon&nbsp;&nbsp;Ryan&nbsp;Dunnage&nbsp;&nbsp;seems<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;new&nbsp;&nbsp;favorite&nbsp;&nbsp;topic.&nbsp;&nbsp;Ryan,<br>what's&nbsp;up&nbsp;with&nbsp;Thompson&nbsp;Meadows?&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;you<br>want&nbsp;romantic&nbsp;advice,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;bet&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;cute<br>Japanese&nbsp;&nbsp;magician&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;help&nbsp;you&nbsp;win&nbsp;him<br>over...&nbsp;&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;seen&nbsp;Meadows&nbsp;in&nbsp;weeks,<br>so&nbsp;whatever&nbsp;you're&nbsp;doing,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;think<br>it's&nbsp;working.&nbsp;&nbsp;Come&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;think&nbsp;of&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;Roberto&nbsp;&nbsp;Alvarez&nbsp;&nbsp;around,<br>either.&nbsp;What&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;think,&nbsp;folks?&nbsp;He&nbsp;and<br>Meadows&nbsp;gone&nbsp;off&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;hitched?<br><br>Seems&nbsp;&nbsp;there's&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;a&nbsp;rash&nbsp;of&nbsp;Christmas<br>capers&nbsp;&nbsp;around&nbsp;town,&nbsp;too.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;had&nbsp;four<br>people&nbsp;say&nbsp;they&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;Christmas&nbsp;card&nbsp;and<br>started&nbsp;having&nbsp;weird&nbsp;stuff&nbsp;happen.&nbsp;Where<br>are&nbsp;the&nbsp;Ghostbusters&nbsp;when&nbsp;you&nbsp;need&nbsp;them?<br><br>For&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;matter,&nbsp;&nbsp;where's&nbsp;a&nbsp;Boba&nbsp;Fett?<br>Get&nbsp;this.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;&nbsp;Oswald&nbsp;Addington,&nbsp;one&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;Councilmen&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett,<br>actually&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;a&nbsp;bounty&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;ballsy<br>artist&nbsp;who&nbsp;painted&nbsp;a&nbsp;three-headed&nbsp;cat&nbsp;on<br>his&nbsp;town&nbsp;car.&nbsp;&nbsp;$150&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;lead,&nbsp;$300&nbsp;for<br>the&nbsp;culprit.&nbsp;&nbsp;Anyone&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;speeder?<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;does&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new<br>admirer?&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;certain&nbsp;&nbsp;Megan&nbsp;Sato&nbsp;has&nbsp;been<br>seen&nbsp;in&nbsp;and&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;Homepage,&nbsp;and&nbsp;hoo&nbsp;boy<br>has&nbsp;she&nbsp;been&nbsp;loud.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;not&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;a<br>certain&nbsp;employee&nbsp;&nbsp;who's&nbsp;not&nbsp;a&nbsp;bad&nbsp;looker<br>at&nbsp;all...&nbsp;&nbsp;Something&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;that&nbsp;you<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;tell&nbsp;us,&nbsp;Cerise?
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==May 24, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;get&nbsp;the<br>joy&nbsp;of&nbsp;knowing&nbsp;that&nbsp;Amanda&nbsp;Rachne's&nbsp;food<br>will&nbsp;be&nbsp;gracing&nbsp;someone&nbsp;else's&nbsp;tables.&nbsp;I<br>hope&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;new&nbsp;&nbsp;husband&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;strong<br>stomach!&nbsp;&nbsp;That&nbsp;&nbsp;said,&nbsp;&nbsp;Mandy,&nbsp;&nbsp;we'll&nbsp;all<br>miss&nbsp;your&nbsp;basket-weaving.&nbsp;Send&nbsp;us&nbsp;a&nbsp;note<br>from&nbsp;Colorado,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;stop&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;office<br>before&nbsp;you&nbsp;go.&nbsp;We'll&nbsp;keep&nbsp;in&nbsp;touch!<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;specifically&nbsp;unnamed<br>magicians&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;start&nbsp;up&nbsp;debate<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;them&nbsp;is&nbsp;cuter&nbsp;than<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;other.&nbsp;&nbsp;See&nbsp;&nbsp;Haruki&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;Itsuki&nbsp;for<br>details,&nbsp;&nbsp;though&nbsp;given&nbsp;that&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;bad<br>things&nbsp;&nbsp;happen&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;places&nbsp;they&nbsp;plan&nbsp;<br>to&nbsp;perform,&nbsp;&nbsp;maybe&nbsp;you&nbsp;should&nbsp;wait&nbsp;until<br>after&nbsp;they&nbsp;open&nbsp;up&nbsp;their&nbsp;magical&nbsp;museum.<br><br>While&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;of&nbsp;any&nbsp;fires&nbsp;being<br>set&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;anybody's&nbsp;hearts&nbsp;this&nbsp;past&nbsp;week,<br>I'm&nbsp;sure&nbsp;glad&nbsp;the&nbsp;real&nbsp;thing&nbsp;is&nbsp;done&nbsp;and<br>gone.&nbsp;We&nbsp;here&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Times&nbsp;would&nbsp;like&nbsp;to<br>give&nbsp;a&nbsp;great&nbsp;big&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you&nbsp;to&nbsp;all&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>volunteers&nbsp;and&nbsp;responders&nbsp;who&nbsp;helped&nbsp;out<br>with&nbsp;taming&nbsp;the&nbsp;wildfires&nbsp;this&nbsp;past&nbsp;week<br>out&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;west&nbsp;valley.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;know&nbsp;that&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;teenaged&nbsp;some-<br>one&nbsp;&nbsp;came&nbsp;by&nbsp;to&nbsp;leave&nbsp;&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Arnold&nbsp;a&nbsp;love<br>note,&nbsp;however...<br><br>Sorry&nbsp;to&nbsp;say,&nbsp;kid&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;think&nbsp;you<br>really&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;chance.&nbsp;&nbsp;He's&nbsp;a&nbsp;one-woman<br>cat,&nbsp;and&nbsp;Missy&nbsp;Potts&nbsp;is&nbsp;his&nbsp;woman.
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==May 31, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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<br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;let's&nbsp;&nbsp;all<br>take&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;minute&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;sappy&nbsp;here,&nbsp;and<br>think&nbsp;about&nbsp;gratitude.&nbsp;&nbsp;I,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;am<br>very&nbsp;grateful&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;so&nbsp;many&nbsp;good<br>men&nbsp;and&nbsp;women&nbsp;here&nbsp;in&nbsp;town&nbsp;willing&nbsp;to&nbsp;be<br>volunteers&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;west.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;town&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>little&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;emptier,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;quieter,<br>without&nbsp;you&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;with&nbsp;luck&nbsp;and&nbsp;good<br>hard&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;work,&nbsp;&nbsp;they'll&nbsp;&nbsp;track&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;that<br>bomber&nbsp;and&nbsp;give&nbsp;them&nbsp;what&nbsp;they&nbsp;deserve.<br><br>Done&nbsp;&nbsp;being&nbsp;&nbsp;sappy?&nbsp;&nbsp;Good.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now&nbsp;for&nbsp;some<br>gossip.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;with&nbsp;eyes&nbsp;knows&nbsp;that&nbsp;Cerise<br>Hodgson&nbsp;is&nbsp;around&nbsp;our&nbsp;favorite&nbsp;Alexander<br>on&nbsp;a&nbsp;regular&nbsp;basis.&nbsp;Gotta&nbsp;wonder&nbsp;whether<br>he's&nbsp;starting&nbsp;to&nbsp;rub&nbsp;off&nbsp;on&nbsp;her,&nbsp;though.<br>I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;multiple&nbsp;&nbsp;sources&nbsp;that<br>she's&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;spotted&nbsp;wandering&nbsp;around&nbsp;the<br>city&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;various&nbsp;&nbsp;states&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;drunkenness<br>lately.&nbsp;&nbsp;Cerise,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;man&nbsp;troubles,<br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;useless,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;I&nbsp;do&nbsp;know&nbsp;the&nbsp;name&nbsp;of<br>a&nbsp;good&nbsp;couples&nbsp;therapist...<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;women&nbsp;with&nbsp;problems,&nbsp;while&nbsp;I<br>commend&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;dedication&nbsp;to&nbsp;your&nbsp;health,<br>Franklyn,&nbsp;there&nbsp;are&nbsp;safer&nbsp;places&nbsp;for&nbsp;you<br>to&nbsp;walk&nbsp;than&nbsp;down&nbsp;the&nbsp;riverbank&nbsp;at&nbsp;night<br>around&nbsp;&nbsp;here,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;people<br>should&nbsp;know&nbsp;better.<br><br>Folks&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;busy&nbsp;this&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;stay<br>with&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;here,&nbsp;readers.&nbsp;&nbsp;Gossip,&nbsp;speed-<br>run&nbsp;style!<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;there&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;a&nbsp;gaggle&nbsp;of&nbsp;gun-<br>shots&nbsp;down&nbsp;by&nbsp;Snake&nbsp;Creek.&nbsp;Whoever's&nbsp;out<br>there,&nbsp;find&nbsp;a&nbsp;shooting&nbsp;range,&nbsp;would&nbsp;you?<br>The&nbsp;noise&nbsp;is&nbsp;getting&nbsp;old&nbsp;for&nbsp;residents.<br><br>Remember&nbsp;&nbsp;Thompson&nbsp;Meadows?&nbsp;&nbsp;Apparently,<br>one&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;Utridge&nbsp;bachelors&nbsp;was&nbsp;picked<br>up&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;blonde&nbsp;seen&nbsp;going&nbsp;in&nbsp;and&nbsp;out&nbsp;of<br>Meadows'&nbsp;home.<br><br>Mr.&nbsp;Meadows&nbsp;&nbsp;himself&nbsp;seems&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;found<br>a&nbsp;pot&nbsp;of&nbsp;luck,&nbsp;however.&nbsp;&nbsp;Word&nbsp;is&nbsp;his&nbsp;new<br>prosthetics&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;work&nbsp;of&nbsp;some&nbsp;young<br>savant&nbsp;called&nbsp;Widget.&nbsp;Could&nbsp;be&nbsp;worse.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>knew&nbsp;a&nbsp;guy&nbsp;called&nbsp;Dick&nbsp;N.&nbsp;Bhallis&nbsp;once.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;Frys&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;having&nbsp;fun&nbsp;with&nbsp;the&nbsp;prep<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;Pink&nbsp;Cow&nbsp;Run,&nbsp;&nbsp;meanwhile,&nbsp;though<br>I'm&nbsp;not&nbsp;sure&nbsp;how&nbsp;the&nbsp;Trojan&nbsp;Cow&nbsp;is&nbsp;going<br>to&nbsp;come&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;action...&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;made&nbsp;my<br>obligatory&nbsp;&nbsp;inappropriate&nbsp;&nbsp;joke&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;the<br>day,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;can&nbsp;go&nbsp;ahead&nbsp;and&nbsp;imagine&nbsp;a<br>whopper&nbsp;about&nbsp;wooden&nbsp;bovines&nbsp;yourself.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;the&nbsp;lights&nbsp;went&nbsp;out&nbsp;down&nbsp;by&nbsp;the<br>Riverside&nbsp;&nbsp;markets&nbsp;last&nbsp;Tuesday.&nbsp;&nbsp;Darker<br>than&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;inside&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;cat,&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;that&nbsp;I<br>have&nbsp;any&nbsp;personal&nbsp;experience&nbsp;with&nbsp;the<br>inside&nbsp;of&nbsp;felines.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;experience&nbsp;with<br>fossils,&nbsp;&nbsp;either,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;get&nbsp;this:&nbsp;someone<br>found&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;great&nbsp;big&nbsp;honking&nbsp;bones&nbsp;from<br>pleistocene&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;beluga&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;whales,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;all<br>things,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;fully&nbsp;&nbsp;intact&nbsp;&nbsp;mammoth<br>skeleton.&nbsp;&nbsp;Gotta&nbsp;&nbsp;say,&nbsp;my&nbsp;bet's&nbsp;on&nbsp;hoax.<br>Anyone&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;knows&nbsp;about&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;let&nbsp;us<br>all&nbsp;know;&nbsp;inquiring&nbsp;minds,&nbsp;and&nbsp;all&nbsp;that.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;animals,&nbsp;the&nbsp;artist&nbsp;with&nbsp;the<br>three-headed&nbsp;&nbsp;cat&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;competition.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm<br>told&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;number&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;strange&nbsp;symbols&nbsp;have<br>been&nbsp;cropping&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;town&nbsp;on&nbsp;cars,<br>buildings,&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;pets.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;known&nbsp;a&nbsp;few<br>perfectly&nbsp;&nbsp;reasonable&nbsp;&nbsp;Satanists&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;my<br>time,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;strange,&nbsp;&nbsp;even<br>for&nbsp;&nbsp;them.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;I&nbsp;believe<br>the&nbsp;rumors&nbsp;that&nbsp;they're&nbsp;behind&nbsp;it&nbsp;all.<br><br>Last&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;Melinda&nbsp;Bates&nbsp;says<br>she's&nbsp;seen&nbsp;a&nbsp;strange&nbsp;&nbsp;man&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;orange<br>suit&nbsp;stumbling&nbsp;around&nbsp;town&nbsp;at&nbsp;night,&nbsp;but<br>she&nbsp;&nbsp;couldn't&nbsp;&nbsp;understand&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;was<br>saying.&nbsp;&nbsp;Whatever&nbsp;it&nbsp;was,&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;sure&nbsp;liked<br>yelling&nbsp;it.
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==June 7, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;sounds<br>like&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;lost&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;wandering<br>around&nbsp;town.&nbsp;&nbsp;No&nbsp;one&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;name,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;if<br>you're&nbsp;reading&nbsp;&nbsp;this,&nbsp;&nbsp;kiddo,&nbsp;&nbsp;check&nbsp;out<br>the&nbsp;Stone&nbsp;&&nbsp;Crown&nbsp;Shipping&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;FB.&nbsp;I<br>would&nbsp;advise&nbsp;learning&nbsp;some&nbsp;Spanish,&nbsp;too,<br>while&nbsp;you're&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Lolo's&nbsp;swearing&nbsp;is<br>something&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;admired.<br><br>Franklyn's&nbsp;decisions,&nbsp;however,&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;less<br>admirable.<br><br>We&nbsp;have&nbsp;people&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;three&nbsp;camps:&nbsp;&nbsp;camp&nbsp;#1<br>thinks&nbsp;she&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;down&nbsp;there&nbsp;setting&nbsp;off&nbsp;a<br>few&nbsp;&nbsp;harmless&nbsp;&nbsp;fireworks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Camp&nbsp;#2&nbsp;&nbsp;says<br>she's&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;dating&nbsp;C.B.&nbsp;too&nbsp;long&nbsp;and&nbsp;set<br>a&nbsp;few&nbsp;small&nbsp;fires&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;kicks&nbsp;and&nbsp;giggles<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;pure&nbsp;cussed&nbsp;joy&nbsp;of&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Camp&nbsp;#3<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;personal&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;favorite:&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;pet<br>hamster&nbsp;died&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;noble&nbsp;death,&nbsp;and&nbsp;she&nbsp;was<br>there&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;give&nbsp;it&nbsp;a&nbsp;Viking&nbsp;funeral&nbsp;upon<br>the&nbsp;water.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;water,&nbsp;the&nbsp;Pink&nbsp;Cow&nbsp;Run&nbsp;went<br>off&nbsp;swimmingly&nbsp;--&nbsp;literally,&nbsp;in&nbsp;some<br>cases.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;Avalon&nbsp;Lefevre&nbsp;dunked&nbsp;Jimmy&nbsp;Fry<br>into&nbsp;the&nbsp;water&nbsp;tank&nbsp;with&nbsp;one&nbsp;throw,&nbsp;that<br>cutey&nbsp;&nbsp;Maggie&nbsp;Locklear&nbsp;&nbsp;pinking&nbsp;&nbsp;him&nbsp;&nbsp;up<br>right&nbsp;afterward.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;&nbsp;pinked&nbsp;up<br>more&nbsp;than&nbsp;Jimmy,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;all&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear.<br>Albert,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;have&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;competition<br>for&nbsp;good&nbsp;arms...&nbsp;Maybe&nbsp;you&nbsp;should&nbsp;take&nbsp;a<br>few&nbsp;pitching&nbsp;lessons&nbsp;from&nbsp;them.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't<br>know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;but&nbsp;breaking&nbsp;your&nbsp;mama's<br>kitchen&nbsp;window,&nbsp;&nbsp;twice,&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;one&nbsp;week,&nbsp;is<br>something&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;learn&nbsp;how&nbsp;to&nbsp;stop.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;Frys,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;that&nbsp;Jack<br>fellow&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;mighty&nbsp;&nbsp;fine&nbsp;chest,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;<br>don't&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;hopes&nbsp;up,&nbsp;ladies;&nbsp;Gladys<br>was&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;walking&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;mops&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;calls<br>dogs&nbsp;&nbsp;bright&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;early,&nbsp;and&nbsp;spotted&nbsp;him<br>at&nbsp;Dr.&nbsp;Gallagher's&nbsp;cabin.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;THAT&nbsp;is<br>a&nbsp;form&nbsp;of&nbsp;anthropology&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;&nbsp;mind<br>studying...<br><br>I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;was&nbsp;doing&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;'studying'<br>himself&nbsp;&nbsp;recently&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;that&nbsp;Zillah&nbsp;from<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;shop&nbsp;&nbsp;next&nbsp;door.&nbsp;&nbsp;Despite&nbsp;claims&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;contrary,&nbsp;I've&nbsp;met&nbsp;the&nbsp;guy,&nbsp;and&nbsp;it's<br>my&nbsp;not&nbsp;inconsiderable&nbsp;opinion&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;he's<br>way&nbsp;&nbsp;too&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;marshmallow&nbsp;to&nbsp;hurt<br>his&nbsp;darling&nbsp;Mina.<br><br>Then&nbsp;again,&nbsp;if&nbsp;they&nbsp;broke&nbsp;up...<br><br>Inquiring&nbsp;minds&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;know,&nbsp;Kip.&nbsp;How's<br>your&nbsp;love&nbsp;life?&nbsp;&nbsp;Still&nbsp;in&nbsp;love?
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==June 14, 2018==
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Enid Schmitt is not having a good year.  She was in the hospital this past week after someone tried to kidnap her. 
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Elsewhere in the paper, it is explained that the assailants are unknown, but they were wearing dark suits, and police are investigating the incident.
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==June 21, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;those<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;missed&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;last&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;<br>gotta&nbsp;say,&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;getting&nbsp;kidnapped&nbsp;thing&nbsp;<br>is&nbsp;seriously&nbsp;getting&nbsp;old.<br><br>Folks,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;am&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;newspaper&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;<br>columnist,&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;an&nbsp;&nbsp;evil&nbsp;&nbsp;minion&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;<br>destroy&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;world&nbsp;of&nbsp;humankind.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;you&nbsp;<br>think&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;money&nbsp;&nbsp;worth&nbsp;&nbsp;taking,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;<br>should&nbsp;talk&nbsp;to&nbsp;my&nbsp;boss.&nbsp;<br><br>No,&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;police&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;<br>yet.&nbsp;&nbsp;Yes,&nbsp;&nbsp;they're&nbsp;&nbsp;working&nbsp;on&nbsp;it.&nbsp;Yes,&nbsp;<br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;mightily&nbsp;&nbsp;peeved,&nbsp;and&nbsp;don't&nbsp;come&nbsp;in&nbsp;<br>wearing&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;black&nbsp;&nbsp;suit&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;shiny&nbsp;black&nbsp;<br>shoes&nbsp;&nbsp;any&nbsp;time&nbsp;soon,&nbsp;or&nbsp;I&nbsp;may&nbsp;mace&nbsp;you.<br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;knock-out&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;gas&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;tie-pin&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;<br>unexpected&nbsp;touch,&nbsp;and&nbsp;very&nbsp;James&nbsp;Bond&nbsp;of&nbsp;<br>them.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;&nbsp;rather&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;stepped&nbsp;on&nbsp;by&nbsp;a&nbsp;<br>cow&nbsp;again,&nbsp;all&nbsp;things&nbsp;considered.<br><br>Enough&nbsp;with&nbsp;that!&nbsp;&nbsp;On&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;fun&nbsp;stuff.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;Ben&nbsp;Utridge&nbsp;is&nbsp;going&nbsp;back&nbsp;to&nbsp;his<br>old&nbsp;playboy&nbsp;ways&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Red<br>Clover&nbsp;&nbsp;Hotel.&nbsp;&nbsp;Clandestine&nbsp;&nbsp;engagements<br>with&nbsp;people&nbsp;my&nbsp;source&nbsp;says&nbsp;were&nbsp;hotties,<br>and&nbsp;last&nbsp;&nbsp;week&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;sporting&nbsp;a<br>great&nbsp;big&nbsp;hickey,&nbsp;too.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;mind&nbsp;a&nbsp;hickey&nbsp;from&nbsp;something<br>other&nbsp;&nbsp;than&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;facemask&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;hospital.<br>Any&nbsp;volunteers?
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==June 28, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;to<br>explore&nbsp;the&nbsp;wide,&nbsp;wild&nbsp;world&nbsp;of&nbsp;Haruki's<br>underwear&nbsp;choices.<br><br>Somehow,&nbsp;I&nbsp;believe&nbsp;he&nbsp;had&nbsp;help&nbsp;with&nbsp;this<br>particular&nbsp;escapade,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I've&nbsp;had&nbsp;half&nbsp;a<br>dozen&nbsp;&nbsp;reports&nbsp;from&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;town<br>that&nbsp;if&nbsp;even&nbsp;a&nbsp;quarter&nbsp;of&nbsp;those&nbsp;garments<br>are&nbsp;actually&nbsp;his,&nbsp;&nbsp;they'd&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;a<br>nice,&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;private,&nbsp;chat&nbsp;with&nbsp;him&nbsp;about<br>his&nbsp;brand&nbsp;choices.&nbsp;&nbsp;And&nbsp;advice.<br><br>On&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;subject&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;different&nbsp;sort&nbsp;of<br>fireworks,&nbsp;we're&nbsp;coming&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;Fourth<br>of&nbsp;July&nbsp;here,&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;parade&nbsp;this<br>weekend&nbsp;is&nbsp;expected&nbsp;to&nbsp;bring&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of<br>out-of-towners.&nbsp;&nbsp;Who&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>dunk&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;Mayor&nbsp;into&nbsp;a&nbsp;vat&nbsp;of&nbsp;strawberry,<br>clear&nbsp;and&nbsp;blue&nbsp;raspberry&nbsp;Jell-O&nbsp;cubes?<br><br>Sorry,&nbsp;Jack.&nbsp;&nbsp;Count&nbsp;me&nbsp;in.&nbsp;&nbsp;Dolores&nbsp;&nbsp;has<br>had&nbsp;my&nbsp;$5&nbsp;for&nbsp;two&nbsp;weeks&nbsp;now.<br><br>Anyone&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;mind&nbsp;for&nbsp;fireworks&nbsp;can&nbsp;find<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;nice&nbsp;perch&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;cliff&nbsp;to&nbsp;watch&nbsp;Fort<br>Brunsett's&nbsp;&nbsp;display&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;lake.&nbsp;Our<br>own&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;dinky&nbsp;in&nbsp;comparison,&nbsp;but<br>we're&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;dinky&nbsp;little&nbsp;town.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;Miller<br>boys&nbsp;have&nbsp;done&nbsp;us&nbsp;proud&nbsp;this&nbsp;past&nbsp;month,<br>getting&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;the&nbsp;roads&nbsp;smoothed&nbsp;out,&nbsp;&nbsp;so<br>kudos&nbsp;to&nbsp;them.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>There's&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;something&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;man&nbsp;<br>without&nbsp;a&nbsp;shirt&nbsp;handling&nbsp;heavy&nbsp;machinery<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;engine&nbsp;&nbsp;revving...&nbsp;&nbsp;Louise<br>MacFarlan&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;anything&nbsp;about<br>that,&nbsp;&nbsp;now,&nbsp;would&nbsp;she?&nbsp;&nbsp;Cute&nbsp;skirt,&nbsp;Lou.<br>Maybe&nbsp;next&nbsp;time&nbsp;&nbsp;keep&nbsp;it&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;bit<br>longer.&nbsp;&nbsp;Granny&nbsp;Miller's&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;a<br>heart&nbsp;&nbsp;attack&nbsp;before&nbsp;the&nbsp;wedding&nbsp;at&nbsp;this<br>rate.<br><br>Congratulations,&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;way.
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==July 5, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;is&nbsp;with<br>great&nbsp;&nbsp;pleasure&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;a&nbsp;little<br>birdy&nbsp;say&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip's&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;done&nbsp;with&nbsp;his&nbsp;wild<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;questionably&nbsp;&nbsp;romantic&nbsp;&nbsp;shenanigans<br>just&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;engagement&nbsp;or&nbsp;no.&nbsp;&nbsp;Someone&nbsp;saw<br>Mina&nbsp;&nbsp;running&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;back&nbsp;room&nbsp;in<br>teensy&nbsp;&nbsp;tiny&nbsp;&nbsp;shorts&nbsp;&nbsp;(great&nbsp;gams,&nbsp;girl)<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;tiny&nbsp;tank&nbsp;&nbsp;top&nbsp;which&nbsp;looked&nbsp;slept<br>in.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Kip,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;got&nbsp;to&nbsp;ask:&nbsp;did&nbsp;she&nbsp;doggy-ear<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;page&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;bed?&nbsp;&nbsp;Is&nbsp;that&nbsp;why&nbsp;you&nbsp;kicked<br>her&nbsp;out?&nbsp;&nbsp;Ladies&nbsp;around&nbsp;&nbsp;town&nbsp;are&nbsp;saying<br>you've&nbsp;taken&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;foxy&nbsp;ladies'&nbsp;man&nbsp;aura<br>to&nbsp;heart,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;better&nbsp;&nbsp;than&nbsp;to<br>trust&nbsp;that&nbsp;adorkably&nbsp;bumbling&nbsp;facade.<br><br>Your&nbsp;&nbsp;secret&nbsp;&nbsp;admirer,&nbsp;&nbsp;however,&nbsp;&nbsp;really<br>should&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;hobby.&nbsp;&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;Mary&nbsp;Page,<br>poor&nbsp;dear,&nbsp;just&nbsp;bought&nbsp;a&nbsp;book&nbsp;on&nbsp;crochet<br>at&nbsp;Homepage,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;now&nbsp;she's&nbsp;cleaning&nbsp;off<br>all&nbsp;&nbsp;forty-seven&nbsp;&nbsp;copies&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip's&nbsp;name<br>from&nbsp;where&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;painted&nbsp;on&nbsp;her&nbsp;house.<br>Laney&nbsp;Boggs,&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;neighbor,&nbsp;&nbsp;said&nbsp;it&nbsp;was<br>blood,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;sure,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;know<br>how&nbsp;she&nbsp;got&nbsp;close&nbsp;enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;check,&nbsp;&nbsp;when<br>she&nbsp;can't&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;handle&nbsp;a&nbsp;paper&nbsp;cut&nbsp;with-<br>out&nbsp;fainting.&nbsp;Really,&nbsp;Laney.<br><br>Charles&nbsp;du&nbsp;Bois&nbsp;knows&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;about&nbsp;faints<br>himself,&nbsp;after&nbsp;yesterday's&nbsp;parade.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now,<br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;a&nbsp;teacher's&nbsp;job&nbsp;to&nbsp;educate<br>his&nbsp;students,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;a&nbsp;real&nbsp;life&nbsp;lesson&nbsp;on<br>staying&nbsp;&nbsp;hydrated&nbsp;&nbsp;while&nbsp;marching&nbsp;in&nbsp;hot<br>wool&nbsp;&nbsp;uniforms&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;probably&nbsp;not&nbsp;high&nbsp;on<br>the&nbsp;curriculum's&nbsp;alternate&nbsp;lesson&nbsp;list.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;inappropriate&nbsp;clothing,&nbsp;I've<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;reports&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;recently-arrived<br>African&nbsp;&nbsp;fellow&nbsp;&nbsp;dancing&nbsp;his&nbsp;way&nbsp;through<br>town&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;sundress&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;loud&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;his<br>rendition&nbsp;of&nbsp;"Girls&nbsp;Just&nbsp;Wanna&nbsp;Have&nbsp;Fun"<br>this&nbsp;past&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;Prank&nbsp;or&nbsp;lost&nbsp;bet?&nbsp;&nbsp;Meg<br>from&nbsp;the&nbsp;corner&nbsp;store&nbsp;says&nbsp;his&nbsp;legs&nbsp;were<br>something&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;admired,&nbsp;however...<br><br>Also&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;admired,&nbsp;and&nbsp;possibly&nbsp;feared,<br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;sort&nbsp;of&nbsp;big&nbsp;cat&nbsp;was&nbsp;heard<br>roaring&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;along&nbsp;&nbsp;Lake&nbsp;Brunsett&nbsp;&nbsp;this<br>past&nbsp;Monday.&nbsp;I&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;heard&nbsp;whether&nbsp;the<br>cat's&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;found,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;be&nbsp;wary&nbsp;of&nbsp;a<br>nice&nbsp;hike&nbsp;through&nbsp;the&nbsp;woods,&nbsp;myself.<br><br>Someone&nbsp;else&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;growling,&nbsp;&nbsp;lately,<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;matter&nbsp;of&nbsp;some&nbsp;speculation<br>whether&nbsp;&nbsp;Weaver&nbsp;Utridge&nbsp;jumped&nbsp;the&nbsp;broom<br>a&nbsp;mite&nbsp;too&nbsp;quickly.&nbsp;&nbsp;Newly&nbsp;wed&nbsp;to&nbsp;Velvet<br>Danvers,&nbsp;&nbsp;several&nbsp;&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;have&nbsp;mentioned<br>that&nbsp;the&nbsp;man&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;a&nbsp;miserable&nbsp;grouch<br>the&nbsp;last&nbsp;few&nbsp;days.&nbsp;&nbsp;Trouble&nbsp;in&nbsp;paradise?<br><br>Those&nbsp;&nbsp;Utridges&nbsp;&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;&nbsp;having&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of<br>luck&nbsp;lately,&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;seems,&nbsp;because&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of<br>digging&nbsp;&nbsp;here&nbsp;and&nbsp;there&nbsp;informed&nbsp;me&nbsp;that<br>none&nbsp;&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;than&nbsp;Olivia&nbsp;Utridge&nbsp;herself<br>held&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;impromptu&nbsp;&nbsp;concert&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>children's&nbsp;&nbsp;wing&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Hospital<br>last&nbsp;month,&nbsp;and&nbsp;got&nbsp;pranked&nbsp;by&nbsp;a&nbsp;fire&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;stairwell.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;any&nbsp;tales&nbsp;of&nbsp;ravenous<br>fanboys&nbsp;&nbsp;tearing&nbsp;&nbsp;perpetrators&nbsp;limb&nbsp;from<br>limb&nbsp;yet&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;internet,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;sure<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;fan&nbsp;&nbsp;rage&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;&nbsp;waiting&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>wings.
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==July 12, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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Enid is on vacation! I'm darn well not writing her column for her.  You people know I'll forget half of it and tangle up the rest. Don't know how that woman keeps it straight.  Mind like a gosh darned steel trap bred with Spiderman.
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The Editor
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==July 19, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;return<br>from&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;much-deserved&nbsp;vacation&nbsp;to&nbsp;sandy,<br>sunny&nbsp;beaches&nbsp;and&nbsp;am&nbsp;back&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;bring&nbsp;only<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;&nbsp;best&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;to&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;rabid<br>readers.<br><br>Firstly,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdies<br>saying&nbsp;miss&nbsp;Franklyn&nbsp;Garreau&nbsp;won&nbsp;the&nbsp;top<br>prize&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;kite&nbsp;&nbsp;flying&nbsp;competition,<br>beating&nbsp;out&nbsp;that&nbsp;incredibly&nbsp;enthusiastic<br>youngster.&nbsp;Wedgie's&nbsp;the&nbsp;name&nbsp;I&nbsp;was&nbsp;given<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;sincerely&nbsp;&nbsp;doubt&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;an<br>accurate&nbsp;report,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;miss&nbsp;Wedgie,&nbsp;please<br>do&nbsp;&nbsp;let&nbsp;&nbsp;us&nbsp;&nbsp;know.&nbsp;&nbsp;Also,&nbsp;&nbsp;take&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;bath.<br>Cleanliness&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;next&nbsp;to&nbsp;godliness,&nbsp;as&nbsp;my<br>sainted&nbsp;mother&nbsp;used&nbsp;to&nbsp;say.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;a&nbsp;local&nbsp;got&nbsp;bitten&nbsp;by,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'm<br>not&nbsp;kidding&nbsp;here,&nbsp;this&nbsp;is&nbsp;what&nbsp;is&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>list:&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;rabid&nbsp;raccoon,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;dog,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;blue<br>otter,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;flying&nbsp;rat,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;a&nbsp;lemur&nbsp;of&nbsp;all<br>things.&nbsp;&nbsp;Serves&nbsp;&nbsp;him&nbsp;&nbsp;right,&nbsp;&nbsp;trying&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>steal&nbsp;from&nbsp;stalls&nbsp;as&nbsp;he&nbsp;was.&nbsp;Also,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've<br>got&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;find&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;those&nbsp;reporters<br>were&nbsp;&nbsp;smoking,&nbsp;&nbsp;because&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;sound&nbsp;like<br>they're&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;high&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;Ms.&nbsp;Garreau&nbsp;has&nbsp;to<br>be,&nbsp;&nbsp;walking&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;rivers&nbsp;and&nbsp;dark&nbsp;woods<br>at&nbsp;all&nbsp;hours.&nbsp;&nbsp;Again.<br><br>Illegal&nbsp;&nbsp;fireworks&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;safer,&nbsp;&nbsp;kid.&nbsp;&nbsp;Go<br>back&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;kites&nbsp;and&nbsp;leave&nbsp;the&nbsp;river<br>to&nbsp;the&nbsp;river.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;issues,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;some&nbsp;rather<br>nasty&nbsp;&nbsp;rumours&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;Ms.&nbsp;Olivia&nbsp;Utridge<br>floating&nbsp;&nbsp;around,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;nothing's&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;been<br>substantiated.&nbsp;&nbsp;Glad&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;hear&nbsp;she's&nbsp;been<br>found,&nbsp;though.&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;darn&nbsp;well&nbsp;have&nbsp;enough<br>lost&nbsp;around&nbsp;here&nbsp;for&nbsp;my&nbsp;tastes&nbsp;already.<br><br>I&nbsp;sure&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;mind&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;rabbit&nbsp;stew,<br>however,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;get&nbsp;started&nbsp;on<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;liking&nbsp;&nbsp;meat,&nbsp;&nbsp;Haruki.&nbsp;&nbsp;Being&nbsp;a<br>carnivore's&nbsp;no&nbsp;sin.&nbsp;&nbsp;Supposedly,&nbsp;a&nbsp;great<br>big&nbsp;&nbsp;fluffle&nbsp;of&nbsp;rabbits&nbsp;was&nbsp;seen&nbsp;running<br>around&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;weird&nbsp;flock&nbsp;of&nbsp;birds<br>down&nbsp;near&nbsp;the&nbsp;lake&nbsp;in&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett,&nbsp;but<br>I've&nbsp;gotta&nbsp;say,&nbsp;the&nbsp;alpaca&nbsp;farm&nbsp;takes&nbsp;my<br>personal&nbsp;cake.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;eyes.&nbsp;&nbsp;How&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>not&nbsp;melt?<br><br>Haven't&nbsp;heard&nbsp;the&nbsp;person's&nbsp;name,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'm<br>told&nbsp;the&nbsp;'pacas&nbsp;are&nbsp;all&nbsp;named&nbsp;after&nbsp;some<br>kind&nbsp;of&nbsp;dinosaur.<br><br>Benny&nbsp;and&nbsp;Hal&nbsp;&nbsp;say&nbsp;they've&nbsp;been&nbsp;spotting<br>odd&nbsp;&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;things&nbsp;&nbsp;carved&nbsp;around&nbsp;town,<br>speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;weird.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;seen&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;my-<br>self,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know..&nbsp;.&nbsp;The&nbsp;one&nbsp;I&nbsp;saw<br>looked&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;like&nbsp;some&nbsp;sort&nbsp;of&nbsp;wing-<br>less&nbsp;dragon.&nbsp;&nbsp;This&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;latest&nbsp;D&D&nbsp;craze<br>going&nbsp;through&nbsp;nerddom?<br><br>Not&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;sure&nbsp;about&nbsp;Jimmy&nbsp;Pepper&nbsp;and&nbsp;his<br>pigs,&nbsp;though.&nbsp;Jimmy&nbsp;runs&nbsp;Sweet&nbsp;Hog&nbsp;Farms<br>and&nbsp;let&nbsp;me&nbsp;tell&nbsp;you,&nbsp;his&nbsp;pigs&nbsp;are&nbsp;every-<br>thing&nbsp;he&nbsp;says&nbsp;they&nbsp;are.<br><br>In&nbsp;this&nbsp;case,&nbsp;&nbsp;slaughtered,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;by<br>him...&nbsp;&nbsp;As&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;woke&nbsp;up&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;morning&nbsp;and&nbsp;went&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;the&nbsp;feed<br>going,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;found&nbsp;their&nbsp;throats&nbsp;slit&nbsp;and<br>blood&nbsp;drained.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now,&nbsp;this&nbsp;being&nbsp;where&nbsp;we<br>are,&nbsp;I&nbsp;do&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;calendar&nbsp;which&nbsp;mentions<br>a&nbsp;blood&nbsp;moon...&nbsp;Still,&nbsp;&nbsp;you'd&nbsp;&nbsp;think&nbsp;the<br>witches&nbsp;would&nbsp;at&nbsp;least&nbsp;leave&nbsp;cash&nbsp;to&nbsp;pay<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;lost&nbsp;pigs.<br><br>Last&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;source<br>share&nbsp;some&nbsp;photos&nbsp;with&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;she<br>is&nbsp;a&nbsp;beauty.&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;&nbsp;little&nbsp;rough&nbsp;around&nbsp;the<br>edges,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;darn,&nbsp;&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;someone&nbsp;so<br>Kippish,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;sure&nbsp;do&nbsp;make&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;lady<br>friends.&nbsp;&nbsp;Who's&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;&nbsp;red-head,<br>too?&nbsp;&nbsp;Short&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;stacked,&nbsp;&nbsp;that's&nbsp;&nbsp;for<br>sure.&nbsp;&nbsp;These&nbsp;relatives&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;your&nbsp;Mina?&nbsp;If<br>so,&nbsp;can&nbsp;you&nbsp;convince&nbsp;them&nbsp;to&nbsp;move&nbsp;here?<br><br>Your&nbsp;&nbsp;admirer's&nbsp;&nbsp;gone&nbsp;to&nbsp;work&nbsp;again,&nbsp;&nbsp;so<br>you'd&nbsp;better&nbsp;work&nbsp;fast.&nbsp;What&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;know<br>about&nbsp;a&nbsp;broad&nbsp;named&nbsp;Jessica?&nbsp;The&nbsp;way&nbsp;I'm<br>told&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;'Kip'&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;painted&nbsp;several<br>times&nbsp;&nbsp;along&nbsp;the&nbsp;Samsson&nbsp;building&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>same&nbsp;&nbsp;bright&nbsp;&nbsp;crimson&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;before,&nbsp;&nbsp;along<br>with&nbsp;a&nbsp;great&nbsp;honking&nbsp;heart&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;middle<br>saying&nbsp;&nbsp;'Kip&nbsp;x&nbsp;Jessica!!!'&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;I<br>were&nbsp;you,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;sic&nbsp;the&nbsp;fiancee&nbsp;on&nbsp;her.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>sure&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;want&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;on&nbsp;Mina's&nbsp;bad<br>side.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;how&nbsp;strong&nbsp;those&nbsp;ballet<br>exercises&nbsp;make&nbsp;those&nbsp;legs?
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==July 26, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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Enid's colleagues would like to say what a splendid woman she is.  They also have no intention of writing her column for her while she is out sick.
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Here. Have a picture of a kitten with a baby bunny.
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The Writers
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==August 2, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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Enid's colleagues have discovered a secret stash of actual coffee hidden in Enid's technically unlocked and colleague-accessible file cabinet behind the old floppy disks and CDs.
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Thank you, Enid, for your generous contribution to office happiness.
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The Writers
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==August 9, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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Enid's colleagues would like you all to know that she is back from the hospital and recovering Enidly.  The nurses and doctors may never be the same.
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Neither will her colleagues' stomachs.  How does she EAT all of that cinnamon?
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The Writers
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==August 16, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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Enid's colleagues have pooled their resources and replaced the pilfered coffee and bonbons with more appropriate substitutes.  They are sure Enid will appreciate their efforts at supporting her habits.
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Everyone has addictions, Enid.  Cinnamon is yours.  We'll help you manage it. Just give us the chocolate part of the bonbon and you keep the middle.
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The Writers
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==August 23, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;return<br>again,&nbsp;albeit&nbsp;not&nbsp;from&nbsp;sandy&nbsp;beaches.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>don't&nbsp;suggest&nbsp;surgery&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;an&nbsp;alternative<br>to&nbsp;sunshine&nbsp;and&nbsp;cute&nbsp;boys&nbsp;in&nbsp;tiny&nbsp;suits,<br>folks.<br><br>On&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;bright&nbsp;side,&nbsp;a&nbsp;liquid&nbsp;diet&nbsp;does<br>wonders&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;waistline.&nbsp;&nbsp;Pity&nbsp;bikini<br>season's&nbsp;almost&nbsp;over.&nbsp;<br><br>Yes,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;fine.&nbsp;&nbsp;Yes,&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;immensely&nbsp;dis-<br>appointed&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;colleagues&nbsp;couldn't<br>soldier&nbsp;on&nbsp;without&nbsp;me&nbsp;and&nbsp;get&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;of<br>your&nbsp;&nbsp;delectable&nbsp;&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;&nbsp;fixes&nbsp;on&nbsp;their<br>lonesome,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;just&nbsp;means&nbsp;I&nbsp;get&nbsp;to<br>have&nbsp;the&nbsp;fun&nbsp;myself.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;this&nbsp;is&nbsp;old&nbsp;news&nbsp;at&nbsp;this&nbsp;point,&nbsp;but<br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;someone&nbsp;Kool-Aid&nbsp;manned<br>their&nbsp;&nbsp;way&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;home&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;Velvet&nbsp;and<br>Weaver&nbsp;Utridge&nbsp;&nbsp;back&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;beginning&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;month,&nbsp;and&nbsp;something&nbsp;something&nbsp;about<br>possible&nbsp;&nbsp;acquisition&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;lake&nbsp;monsters.<br>Is&nbsp;&nbsp;Lake&nbsp;Brunsett&nbsp;trying&nbsp;to&nbsp;compete&nbsp;with<br>Champlain?&nbsp;&nbsp;What'll&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;call&nbsp;it?&nbsp;&nbsp;Champ<br>has&nbsp;a&nbsp;degree&nbsp;of&nbsp;charm&nbsp;to&nbsp;it,&nbsp;but&nbsp;Brun&nbsp;is<br>a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;too&nbsp;Viking,&nbsp;and&nbsp;Sett&nbsp;sounds&nbsp;like&nbsp;a<br>puppy&nbsp;or&nbsp;a&nbsp;desert&nbsp;god,&nbsp;depending.<br><br>Pity&nbsp;Brun/Sett&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;around&nbsp;to&nbsp;help&nbsp;the<br>local&nbsp;authorities&nbsp;clean&nbsp;up&nbsp;the&nbsp;mess&nbsp;made<br>by&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;Miss&nbsp;Franklyn&nbsp;Garreau&nbsp;back&nbsp;then,<br>too.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;someone&nbsp;&nbsp;pulled&nbsp;up&nbsp;<br>another&nbsp;sculpture&nbsp;instead&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;fish&nbsp;just<br>this&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;Franklyn,&nbsp;girl,&nbsp;get&nbsp;help.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>know&nbsp;your&nbsp;family&nbsp;can&nbsp;pay&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;litter-<br>ing&nbsp;fines,&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;that's&nbsp;&nbsp;no&nbsp;&nbsp;reason&nbsp;to&nbsp;go<br>dumping&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;crud&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;river.<br>Thankfully,&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;shove&nbsp;a&nbsp;<br>piano&nbsp;out&nbsp;a&nbsp;window&nbsp;by&nbsp;willpower&nbsp;alone.<br><br>In&nbsp;more&nbsp;recent&nbsp;news,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;that&nbsp;Tommy<br>Haffleck&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;got&nbsp;himself&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;big<br>leagues.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;even&nbsp;know&nbsp;there&nbsp;was&nbsp;a<br>category&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;longest&nbsp;&nbsp;paper&nbsp;airplane<br>flight&nbsp;&nbsp;flung&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;waterfall&nbsp;off&nbsp;of&nbsp;a<br>cliff&nbsp;of&nbsp;two&nbsp;hundred&nbsp;feet&nbsp;or&nbsp;more&nbsp;over&nbsp;a<br>body&nbsp;of&nbsp;water&nbsp;of&nbsp;'significant&nbsp;size'...<br><br>Kudos,&nbsp;Tommy.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;you're&nbsp;a&nbsp;record<br>holder,&nbsp;don't&nbsp;go&nbsp;resting&nbsp;on&nbsp;your&nbsp;laurels<br>and&nbsp;poop&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;us,&nbsp;kid.&nbsp;Put&nbsp;this&nbsp;little<br>town&nbsp;back&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;map.&nbsp;You&nbsp;should&nbsp;probab-<br>ly&nbsp;graduate&nbsp;high&nbsp;school&nbsp;first,&nbsp;though.<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least&nbsp;for&nbsp;this&nbsp;week,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;pleasure&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;introducing&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;to&nbsp;<br>Erica&nbsp;Miller,&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;latest&nbsp;&nbsp;staff&nbsp;photo-<br>grapher.&nbsp;&nbsp;Recently&nbsp;returned&nbsp;from&nbsp;a&nbsp;phase<br>as&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;Boston&nbsp;&nbsp;transplant,&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;back<br>where&nbsp;she&nbsp;belongs:&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;land&nbsp;of&nbsp;weirdo<br>hair&nbsp;&nbsp;colors&nbsp;&nbsp;supposed&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;unknown&nbsp;to<br>man&nbsp;or&nbsp;woman.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;be&nbsp;dye&nbsp;buddies,&nbsp;&nbsp;but<br>don't&nbsp;expect&nbsp;to&nbsp;see&nbsp;me&nbsp;running&nbsp;with&nbsp;her.<br>I&nbsp;maintain&nbsp;a&nbsp;strictly&nbsp;horizontal&nbsp;version<br>of&nbsp;jogging.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;&nbsp;called&nbsp;typing&nbsp;in&nbsp;bed,<br>preferably&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;cinnamon&nbsp;bonbon&nbsp;or&nbsp;two<br>nearby.
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==August 30, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we've&nbsp;all<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;time&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;appreciate&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;rash&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>unseasonably&nbsp;warm&nbsp;weather&nbsp;lately.&nbsp;&nbsp;Guess<br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;bring&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;that&nbsp;bikini&nbsp;after<br>all!<br><br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;certain&nbsp;&nbsp;polka-dotted&nbsp;&nbsp;someone&nbsp;by&nbsp;the<br>riverbank&nbsp;should&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;thought&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;twice<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;bringing&nbsp;out&nbsp;HER&nbsp;bikini,&nbsp;however.<br>See,&nbsp;&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;teeny&nbsp;strings&nbsp;don't&nbsp;do&nbsp;all<br>that&nbsp;well&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;you're&nbsp;&nbsp;jumping&nbsp;&nbsp;off&nbsp;of<br>bridges&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;teenager&nbsp;into&nbsp;a&nbsp;river,<br>which,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;know,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;flowing&nbsp;&nbsp;away.<br>Flowing&nbsp;&nbsp;away&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;bikini&nbsp;top&nbsp;AND<br>bottom,&nbsp;that&nbsp;is.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mildred,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;be<br>going&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;seventy-mumble,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;you&nbsp;still<br>have&nbsp;a&nbsp;fine&nbsp;ass,&nbsp;wrinkles&nbsp;and&nbsp;all.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;fine&nbsp;asses,&nbsp;&nbsp;mine&nbsp;is&nbsp;doing<br>quite&nbsp;well,&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;and&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you&nbsp;all<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;gift&nbsp;baskets.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;had&nbsp;to&nbsp;share<br>the&nbsp;largesse&nbsp;with&nbsp;the&nbsp;rest&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;writer<br>collective&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;&nbsp;else&nbsp;who&nbsp;wanted&nbsp;<br>chocolate&nbsp;&nbsp;dipped&nbsp;&nbsp;pineapples&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;staff,&nbsp;<br>for&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;as&nbsp;well,<br>and&nbsp;pray&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;fall&nbsp;down&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;nice&nbsp;long<br>flight&nbsp;of&nbsp;stairs.<br><br>Deity&nbsp;or&nbsp;deities,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;reading<br>this,&nbsp;&nbsp;please&nbsp;ignore&nbsp;those&nbsp;knuckleheads.<br>I've&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;&nbsp;hospital&nbsp;bills&nbsp;to&nbsp;last<br>a&nbsp;lifetime.<br><br>I&nbsp;would&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;thank&nbsp;Haruki,&nbsp;Itsuki&nbsp;and<br>their&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;gang&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;propaganda-spouting<br>rabbits&nbsp;especially.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;you&nbsp;ever&nbsp;want&nbsp;to<br>read&nbsp;&nbsp;material&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;plight&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>New&nbsp;England&nbsp;cottontail&nbsp;rabbit,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;now<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;stacks&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;along&nbsp;with&nbsp;my&nbsp;gift<br>basket.<br><br>In&nbsp;&nbsp;less&nbsp;&nbsp;amusing&nbsp;&nbsp;news,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;sad&nbsp;to&nbsp;say<br>that&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Mabel&nbsp;Miller,&nbsp;&nbsp;grandmother&nbsp;and<br>force&nbsp;of&nbsp;nature,&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;passed&nbsp;away&nbsp;at&nbsp;the<br>ripe&nbsp;&nbsp;old&nbsp;&nbsp;age&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;hundred&nbsp;and&nbsp;two.&nbsp;&nbsp;To<br>all&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;family,&nbsp;my&nbsp;condolences.<br>She&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;tough&nbsp;old&nbsp;bird&nbsp;and&nbsp;she&nbsp;will&nbsp;be<br>missed.
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==September 06, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;can<br>kiss&nbsp;goodbye&nbsp;to&nbsp;Summer,&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;and&nbsp;gents<br>and&nbsp;assorted&nbsp;others.&nbsp;&nbsp;Really,&nbsp;we&nbsp;can.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>do&nbsp;&nbsp;appreciate&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;lengths,&nbsp;and&nbsp;depths,<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;certain&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;members&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;our<br>community&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;willing&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;to&nbsp;cling&nbsp;to<br>its&nbsp;sunny&nbsp;warmth,&nbsp;however...<br><br>Where&nbsp;to&nbsp;begin?<br><br>Sally&nbsp;Hanwood&nbsp;seems&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;start.&nbsp;If&nbsp;you<br>haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;down&nbsp;Mill&nbsp;Road&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;while,<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;really&nbsp;should&nbsp;&nbsp;take&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;trip&nbsp;&nbsp;toward<br>Salvation&nbsp;East.&nbsp;&nbsp;Sally&nbsp;here&nbsp;says&nbsp;she&nbsp;was<br>stuck&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;Beatles&nbsp;rut,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;that's&nbsp;why<br>she&nbsp;planted,&nbsp;and&nbsp;yes,&nbsp;she&nbsp;counted&nbsp;it&nbsp;all<br>out&nbsp;individually&nbsp;and&nbsp;by&nbsp;hand,&nbsp;a&nbsp;field&nbsp;of<br>six&nbsp;thousand&nbsp;&nbsp;eight-hundred&nbsp;twenty-seven<br>sunflowers.&nbsp;&nbsp;Here&nbsp;&nbsp;comes&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;sun?&nbsp;&nbsp;How<br>about&nbsp;'here&nbsp;comes&nbsp;the&nbsp;avian&nbsp;obesity'?&nbsp;If<br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;there&nbsp;fast,<br>before&nbsp;we&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;Hitchcock&nbsp;thriller&nbsp;going<br>on.<br><br>Little&nbsp;miss&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;sitting&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;tiller<br>is&nbsp;our&nbsp;next&nbsp;Summer&nbsp;fling.&nbsp;&nbsp;Literally.<br><br>Kira,&nbsp;next&nbsp;time&nbsp;you&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;ride&nbsp;a&nbsp;horse<br>around&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;field,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;recommend&nbsp;wearing<br>exactly&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;did&nbsp;last&nbsp;&nbsp;Tuesday.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>haven't&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;Daley&nbsp;Biggs&nbsp;&nbsp;laugh&nbsp;so&nbsp;hard<br>since&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;my&nbsp;nephew's&nbsp;science&nbsp;teacher<br>and&nbsp;Andrew&nbsp;glued&nbsp;himself&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;desk.<br><br>He&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;himself&nbsp;unglued,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;his&nbsp;pants<br>did&nbsp;not.<br><br>Yes,&nbsp;he&nbsp;paid&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;desk.<br><br>Third&nbsp;and&nbsp;finally,&nbsp;my&nbsp;personal&nbsp;favorite,<br>Mrs.&nbsp;Nelson&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;whipping&nbsp;up&nbsp;a&nbsp;storm<br>of&nbsp;chocolate&nbsp;lollies&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;church,&nbsp;tomb<br>stone&nbsp;&nbsp;shaped,&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;celebrate&nbsp;the&nbsp;end&nbsp;of<br>Summer&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;calorie-laden&nbsp;doom.<br>They're&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;sale&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;graveyard&nbsp;every<br>day&nbsp;this&nbsp;week.
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==September 13, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we&nbsp;seem&nbsp;to<br>have&nbsp;a&nbsp;mysterious&nbsp;squash-slicer&nbsp;in&nbsp;town.<br>Are&nbsp;zucchinis&nbsp;squashes?&nbsp;&nbsp;Foamy&nbsp;vegetable<br>substitute&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;steak,&nbsp;but&nbsp;they&nbsp;do<br>fake&nbsp;it&nbsp;well.&nbsp;&nbsp;In&nbsp;this&nbsp;case,&nbsp;&nbsp;overnight,<br>we've&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;rash&nbsp;of&nbsp;little&nbsp;hanged&nbsp;gourds<br>(maybe&nbsp;&nbsp;zucchinis&nbsp;are&nbsp;gourds?)&nbsp;&nbsp;dangling<br>in&nbsp;doorframes,&nbsp;windows,&nbsp;at&nbsp;bus&nbsp;stops,&nbsp;on<br>bathroom&nbsp;&nbsp;counters&nbsp;and&nbsp;several&nbsp;locations<br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;never&nbsp;thought&nbsp;a&nbsp;vegetable&nbsp;of&nbsp;such<br>an&nbsp;unusual&nbsp;size&nbsp;could&nbsp;dangle.<br><br>The&nbsp;Mayor's&nbsp;asking&nbsp;the&nbsp;veggie-dangler&nbsp;to<br>keep&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;witchcraft&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;minimum&nbsp;until<br>at&nbsp;least&nbsp;October,&nbsp;but&nbsp;we&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;Jack's<br>a&nbsp;stick&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;mud.<br><br>Dangle&nbsp;away,&nbsp;oh&nbsp;Zucchini&nbsp;Mangler!<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;mangling&nbsp;things&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;mystery<br>appearances,&nbsp;&nbsp;what's&nbsp;up&nbsp;with&nbsp;the&nbsp;fish&nbsp;by<br>the&nbsp;river,&nbsp;folks?&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;rumors&nbsp;out<br>of&nbsp;four&nbsp;&nbsp;separate&nbsp;reliable&nbsp;&nbsp;sources&nbsp;that<br>they&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;drinking&nbsp;and&nbsp;really&nbsp;did&nbsp;see<br>fish&nbsp;torn&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;banks,&nbsp;bellies&nbsp;open,<br>but&nbsp;otherwise&nbsp;uneaten.&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;keep&nbsp;the&nbsp;kids<br>away&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;river,&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;just&nbsp;in&nbsp;case<br>whatever&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;is&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;found&nbsp;what&nbsp;it&nbsp;was<br>looking&nbsp;for...<br><br>Last&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;White&nbsp;Witch&nbsp;of<br>Tamarack&nbsp;Falls&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;the&nbsp;newspaper's&nbsp;full<br>support&nbsp;&nbsp;while&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;&nbsp;recovers&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>Library&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Incident&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;occurred&nbsp;&nbsp;on<br>Friday&nbsp;afternoon.&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been&nbsp;asked&nbsp;by&nbsp;the<br>library&nbsp;staff&nbsp;to&nbsp;give&nbsp;her&nbsp;a&nbsp;public&nbsp;thank<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;of&nbsp;her&nbsp;help&nbsp;in&nbsp;identifying<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;killer.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;asked&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>police,&nbsp;&nbsp;however,&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;more&nbsp;than<br>that,&nbsp;so&nbsp;we'll&nbsp;leave&nbsp;it&nbsp;right&nbsp;there.
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==September 20, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;glad<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;say&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;there&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;no&nbsp;further<br>fish&nbsp;shenanigans.&nbsp;&nbsp;Fish&nbsp;belong&nbsp;in&nbsp;rivers<br>or&nbsp;on&nbsp;my&nbsp;dinner&nbsp;plate,&nbsp;breaded&nbsp;and&nbsp;well-<br>cooked.<br><br>Sorry,&nbsp;&nbsp;sushi-lovers.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;&nbsp;admire&nbsp;your<br>snacks&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;art&nbsp;involved,&nbsp;but&nbsp;nothing<br>is&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;me&nbsp;eating&nbsp;a&nbsp;raw&nbsp;fish.<br><br>Speculation&nbsp;over&nbsp;just&nbsp;who's&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;win<br>the&nbsp;vote&nbsp;for&nbsp;this&nbsp;year's&nbsp;&nbsp;Apple&nbsp;Queen&nbsp;is<br>everywhere,&nbsp;and&nbsp;hoo&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;the&nbsp;competition<br>is&nbsp;getting&nbsp;tight.<br><br>Mind,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;ballots&nbsp;are&nbsp;a&nbsp;secret,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>course&nbsp;everyone&nbsp;knows&nbsp;who's&nbsp;on&nbsp;them.&nbsp;&nbsp;My<br>personal&nbsp;&nbsp;favorite&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;pet&nbsp;goldfish<br>named&nbsp;Bob,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;'Bobby&nbsp;for&nbsp;Apples'<br>campaign&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;street&nbsp;corners...<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;lemonade&nbsp;they're&nbsp;selling&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;bad,<br>either.&nbsp;&nbsp;Made&nbsp;&nbsp;fresh,&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;little&nbsp;fish-<br>shaped&nbsp;ice&nbsp;molds,&nbsp;even.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kids&nbsp;these&nbsp;days<br>get&nbsp;it&nbsp;easy.&nbsp;&nbsp;Back&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;dinosaur&nbsp;days<br>when&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;kid,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;had&nbsp;ice&nbsp;in&nbsp;actual<br>cubes.&nbsp;<br><br>My&nbsp;editor&nbsp;says&nbsp;it's&nbsp;my&nbsp;turn&nbsp;to&nbsp;give&nbsp;up&nbsp;a<br>few&nbsp;column&nbsp;inches,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;see&nbsp;you&nbsp;next<br>week!
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==September 27, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;while&nbsp;I'm<br>sure&nbsp;you've&nbsp;already&nbsp;heard&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;other<br>columns&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;heard<br>it&nbsp;from&nbsp;me:&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;our&nbsp;first&nbsp;male&nbsp;Apple<br>Queen&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;year,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;none&nbsp;other<br>than&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;local&nbsp;magician&nbsp;extraordinaire,<br>Haruki.&nbsp;&nbsp;Congrats,&nbsp;kid.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;can't&nbsp;wait&nbsp;to<br>see&nbsp;which&nbsp;consort&nbsp;you&nbsp;pull&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;hat.<br><br>Several&nbsp;&nbsp;young&nbsp;&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;and&nbsp;their&nbsp;parents<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;expressed&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;wish&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain<br>butt-naked&nbsp;somebody&nbsp;would&nbsp;have&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;hat<br>of&nbsp;his&nbsp;own,&nbsp;this&nbsp;past&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>dock&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;Lake&nbsp;Brunsett.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;get&nbsp;a<br>name,&nbsp;but&nbsp;from&nbsp;what&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;guy<br>set&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;own&nbsp;&nbsp;crotch&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;fire&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;got<br>shoved&nbsp;off&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;dock.&nbsp;&nbsp;That's&nbsp;version<br>number&nbsp;one.<br><br>Version&nbsp;&nbsp;number&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;&nbsp;involves&nbsp;tentacles<br>better&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;hentai&nbsp;than&nbsp;a&nbsp;public<br>boating&nbsp;dock,&nbsp;&nbsp;fireballs&nbsp;&nbsp;better&nbsp;seen&nbsp;in<br>Dungeons&nbsp;&&nbsp;Dragons&nbsp;(and&nbsp;yes,&nbsp;Peter&nbsp;Qi,&nbsp;I<br>do&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;that&nbsp;is;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;not&nbsp;THAT&nbsp;old<br>and&nbsp;decrepit),&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;attractive&nbsp;young<br>woman&nbsp;&nbsp;weeping&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;manly&nbsp;&nbsp;nudity<br>until&nbsp;the&nbsp;cops&nbsp;showed&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;congratulate<br>him&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;victory&nbsp;over&nbsp;unnatural&nbsp;and<br>monstrous&nbsp;beasts.<br><br>Version&nbsp;number&nbsp;three&nbsp;&nbsp;involves&nbsp;&nbsp;saving&nbsp;a<br>little&nbsp;girl&nbsp;from&nbsp;a&nbsp;random&nbsp;attack&nbsp;by&nbsp;some<br>variation&nbsp;on&nbsp;an&nbsp;octopus,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;sting&nbsp;ray&nbsp;or<br>a&nbsp;seal,&nbsp;&nbsp;depending&nbsp;on&nbsp;which&nbsp;source&nbsp;I&nbsp;was<br>talking&nbsp;&nbsp;to,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;single&nbsp;&nbsp;unifying<br>event&nbsp;in&nbsp;all&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;stories&nbsp;was&nbsp;this&nbsp;guy<br>getting&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;pants&nbsp;burned&nbsp;off&nbsp;and&nbsp;almost<br>drowning&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;lake.<br><br>Tourists&nbsp;may&nbsp;wimp&nbsp;out&nbsp;and&nbsp;leave&nbsp;the&nbsp;lake<br>early&nbsp;this&nbsp;year,&nbsp;but&nbsp;we've&nbsp;seen&nbsp;weirder,<br>haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;we?&nbsp;&nbsp;Not&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;make&nbsp;light&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>little&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;girl's&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;injuries,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;are<br>supposedly&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;extensive&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;minor&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>expected&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;heal&nbsp;with&nbsp;minimal&nbsp;scarring,<br>but&nbsp;if&nbsp;I&nbsp;were&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;worry&nbsp;too<br>much&nbsp;about&nbsp;seeing&nbsp;more&nbsp;of&nbsp;those&nbsp;critters<br>around.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;sure&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;experts&nbsp;from&nbsp;the<br>east&nbsp;bank&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;taking&nbsp;care&nbsp;of&nbsp;it.
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==October 04, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I've&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;<br>hankering&nbsp;for&nbsp;pumpkin&nbsp;pies,&nbsp;but&nbsp;everyone<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;crazed&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;apples,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;for&nbsp;good<br>reason.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;recipes&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;contestants<br>were&nbsp;serving&nbsp;were&nbsp;mmmm&nbsp;mmm&nbsp;good,&nbsp;down&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;last&nbsp;bite.<br><br>I&nbsp;have&nbsp;no&nbsp;shame.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;took&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;bites.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;get&nbsp;to&nbsp;take&nbsp;a&nbsp;bite&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;that<br>handsome&nbsp;hunk&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;Miller,&nbsp;&nbsp;however,&nbsp;who<br>was&nbsp;working&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;emergency&nbsp;station.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>did&nbsp;get&nbsp;to&nbsp;see&nbsp;Susan&nbsp;Farrendahl&nbsp;flirting<br>up&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;storm&nbsp;with&nbsp;the&nbsp;man,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;a<br>real&nbsp;treat,&nbsp;let&nbsp;me&nbsp;tell&nbsp;you.&nbsp;If&nbsp;I&nbsp;were&nbsp;a<br>guy&nbsp;she&nbsp;had&nbsp;her&nbsp;sights&nbsp;on,&nbsp;&nbsp;hoo-ey,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd<br>be&nbsp;drowning&nbsp;in&nbsp;that&nbsp;bounteous&nbsp;everything<br>in&nbsp;no&nbsp;time.&nbsp;&nbsp;Fly,&nbsp;meet&nbsp;web.<br><br>Pity&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;is&nbsp;another&nbsp;spider.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;eight-legged&nbsp;friends,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear<br>tell&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;local&nbsp;elementary&nbsp;kids&nbsp;are&nbsp;fix-<br>ing&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;decorate&nbsp;the&nbsp;schoolhouse&nbsp;and&nbsp;the<br>outside&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;church&nbsp;this&nbsp;year,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;a<br>certain&nbsp;spidery&nbsp;stuffed&nbsp;somebody&nbsp;will&nbsp;be<br>making&nbsp;a&nbsp;reappearance.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Just&nbsp;keep&nbsp;Fido&nbsp;away&nbsp;from&nbsp;him,&nbsp;Mikey.&nbsp;&nbsp;He<br>can&nbsp;only&nbsp;have&nbsp;de-paraplegia&nbsp;&nbsp;surgery&nbsp;&nbsp;so<br>many&nbsp;times&nbsp;before&nbsp;he&nbsp;gets&nbsp;a&nbsp;leg-popping-<br>off&nbsp;complex.<br><br>I've&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;there's&nbsp;a&nbsp;girl&nbsp;around&nbsp;town,<br>no&nbsp;names&nbsp;given&nbsp;as&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;who&nbsp;claims&nbsp;Haruki<br>is&nbsp;a&nbsp;poser,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;not&nbsp;a&nbsp;real&nbsp;Apple&nbsp;Queen.<br>Sounds&nbsp;like&nbsp;someone&nbsp;wants&nbsp;a&nbsp;bake-off,&nbsp;to<br>me.<br><br>Win-win&nbsp;scenario&nbsp;for&nbsp;us,&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;it?<br><br>This&nbsp;time&nbsp;of&nbsp;year&nbsp;reminds&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;that<br>times&nbsp;are&nbsp;a-changing,&nbsp;and&nbsp;we'd&nbsp;best&nbsp;keep<br>up.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;the&nbsp;dying&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;year,&nbsp;&nbsp;folks,<br>and&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;the&nbsp;hunts&nbsp;are&nbsp;coming&nbsp;soon.<br><br>Play&nbsp;it&nbsp;safe.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;I&nbsp;will.
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==October 11, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;we<br>have&nbsp;all&nbsp;learned&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;lesson&nbsp;as&nbsp;regards<br>opening&nbsp;&nbsp;doors&nbsp;to&nbsp;strangers.&nbsp;&nbsp;Also,&nbsp;&nbsp;who<br>knew&nbsp;&nbsp;BangBang&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;such&nbsp;an&nbsp;entertaining<br>means&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;discouraging&nbsp;robbers?&nbsp;&nbsp;Really,<br>even&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;than&nbsp;&nbsp;that,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;would&nbsp;try&nbsp;to<br>rob&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;hair&nbsp;salon?&nbsp;&nbsp;Further,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;would<br>try&nbsp;to&nbsp;rob&nbsp;a&nbsp;hair&nbsp;salon&nbsp;named&nbsp;'Crops&nbsp;and<br>Bobbers'&nbsp;&nbsp;right&nbsp;down&nbsp;the&nbsp;street&nbsp;from&nbsp;the<br>local&nbsp;police&nbsp;deputy?<br><br>Don't&nbsp;worry,&nbsp;folks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Like&nbsp;Ashley&nbsp;said&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;news&nbsp;&nbsp;report,&nbsp;&nbsp;everyone's&nbsp;fine,&nbsp;and<br>the&nbsp;perp's&nbsp;skin&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;stained&nbsp;an&nbsp;array<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;interesting&nbsp;&nbsp;colors&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;least&nbsp;a<br>week&nbsp;or&nbsp;two.<br><br>On&nbsp;a&nbsp;lighter&nbsp;note,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;offer&nbsp;my<br>personal,&nbsp;and&nbsp;public,&nbsp;congratulations&nbsp;to<br>Mr.&nbsp;and&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Hoffmann&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;sticking&nbsp;with<br>each&nbsp;&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;until&nbsp;&nbsp;this,&nbsp;their&nbsp;75th<br>wedding&nbsp;anniversary.&nbsp;&nbsp;Also,&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;a<br>hundred&nbsp;and&nbsp;two,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;sure&nbsp;hope&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;the<br>guts&nbsp;to&nbsp;take&nbsp;a&nbsp;hot&nbsp;air&nbsp;balloon&nbsp;ride&nbsp;over<br>the&nbsp;waterfall&nbsp;for&nbsp;MY&nbsp;anniversaries.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;waterfall,&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;a<br>few&nbsp;&nbsp;reports&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;someone&nbsp;throwing&nbsp;bird<br>feathers&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;river.&nbsp;&nbsp;There's&nbsp;no<br>sign&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;actual&nbsp;birds&nbsp;being&nbsp;harmed,&nbsp;but<br>if&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;knows&nbsp;the&nbsp;culprit&nbsp;behind&nbsp;it,<br>the&nbsp;wardens&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;word<br>with&nbsp;&nbsp;them&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;clogging&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;safety<br>nets&nbsp;under&nbsp;the&nbsp;bridges...<br><br>We're&nbsp;getting&nbsp;closer&nbsp;to&nbsp;Halloween,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;keep&nbsp;my<br>doors&nbsp;locked,&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;if&nbsp;I&nbsp;had&nbsp;an&nbsp;admirer<br>as&nbsp;&nbsp;dedicated&nbsp;as&nbsp;you&nbsp;do.&nbsp;&nbsp;Seems&nbsp;someone<br>left&nbsp;&nbsp;cupcakes&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;our&nbsp;local&nbsp;bookstore<br>sweetheart,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;address&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;two<br>numbers&nbsp;&nbsp;off.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;&nbsp;else&nbsp;&nbsp;sees&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>suspicious&nbsp;&nbsp;package,&nbsp;&nbsp;'Mindy&nbsp;x&nbsp;Kip'&nbsp;was<br>on&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;police&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;looking<br>into&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;identity&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;thumb&nbsp;which<br>was&nbsp;attached&nbsp;&nbsp;along&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;'Yours,<br>always'&nbsp;letter&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;box.
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==October 18, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we've&nbsp;all<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;chance&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;goodbye&nbsp;to&nbsp;Autumn<br>and&nbsp;hello&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;old&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;Frost.&nbsp;&nbsp;How&nbsp;about<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;snow,&nbsp;&nbsp;folks?&nbsp;&nbsp;Nothing's&nbsp;sticking,<br>but&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;gotten&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;Spring<br>tulips&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;ground&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;you'd&nbsp;best&nbsp;get<br>crackin'.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;hard&nbsp;&nbsp;freezes&nbsp;are&nbsp;coming<br>soon.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;town's&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;drowning&nbsp;in&nbsp;apples&nbsp;for<br>weeks,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;pumpkin&nbsp;fields&nbsp;are&nbsp;mighty<br>strong&nbsp;competition,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I've&nbsp;got&nbsp;to&nbsp;say,<br>my&nbsp;house&nbsp;has&nbsp;never&nbsp;looked&nbsp;more&nbsp;orange.&nbsp;I<br>don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;if&nbsp;it's&nbsp;a&nbsp;lucky&nbsp;little&nbsp;faerie<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;fields&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;a&nbsp;portent&nbsp;that&nbsp;we're<br>all&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;snowed&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;end&nbsp;up<br>with&nbsp;scurvy,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;take&nbsp;it.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;taking&nbsp;pumpkins...<br><br>I've&nbsp;been&nbsp;sponsored&nbsp;by&nbsp;Melissa&nbsp;Elliot&nbsp;of<br>the,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;quote,&nbsp;&nbsp;"Tamarack&nbsp;Elliots,"&nbsp;&nbsp;by<br>means&nbsp;of&nbsp;three&nbsp;&nbsp;pumpkin&nbsp;&nbsp;pies&nbsp;with&nbsp;extra<br>cinnamon&nbsp;&nbsp;(for&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;entire&nbsp;office<br>thanks&nbsp;you),&nbsp;to&nbsp;tell&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;that&nbsp;if&nbsp;you<br>see&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;dark-haired&nbsp;man&nbsp;with&nbsp;insect&nbsp;eyes<br>looking&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;you&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;reflections<br>on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;insides&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;windows,&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>should&nbsp;let&nbsp;her&nbsp;know,&nbsp;so&nbsp;she&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;have<br>to&nbsp;feel&nbsp;like&nbsp;she&nbsp;is&nbsp;going&nbsp;crazy.<br><br>Liss,&nbsp;if&nbsp;you're&nbsp;going&nbsp;crazy,&nbsp;can&nbsp;you&nbsp;get<br>a&nbsp;copy&nbsp;of&nbsp;that&nbsp;pie&nbsp;recipe&nbsp;over&nbsp;to&nbsp;Ashley<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;news&nbsp;room?&nbsp;&nbsp;It&nbsp;would&nbsp;be&nbsp;a&nbsp;crying<br>shame&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;world&nbsp;to&nbsp;lose&nbsp;that&nbsp;pie,<br>and&nbsp;I,&nbsp;for&nbsp;one,&nbsp;am&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;night-<br>mares&nbsp;about&nbsp;staring&nbsp;eyes&nbsp;for&nbsp;days.<br><br>If&nbsp;you&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;checked&nbsp;it&nbsp;out&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;John,<br>you&nbsp;and&nbsp;your&nbsp;Desrochers&nbsp;friends&nbsp;ought&nbsp;to<br>sign&nbsp;up&nbsp;for&nbsp;that&nbsp;race&nbsp;this&nbsp;weekend.&nbsp;&nbsp;The<br>Spook-A-Thon&nbsp;&nbsp;seems&nbsp;right&nbsp;up&nbsp;your&nbsp;alley.<br>I'm&nbsp;sure&nbsp;there&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;giant&nbsp;spiders&nbsp;for<br>you&nbsp;to&nbsp;squeal&nbsp;at,&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;Linda&nbsp;May<br>swears&nbsp;you&nbsp;do&nbsp;any&nbsp;time&nbsp;you&nbsp;see&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;but<br>what&nbsp;do&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;revenge?&nbsp;I&nbsp;told&nbsp;you<br>I&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;forget.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;out-of-towners&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;gone<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;challenged&nbsp;everybody&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;paintball<br>match&nbsp;as&nbsp;well.&nbsp;&nbsp;They&nbsp;seem&nbsp;mighty&nbsp;&nbsp;confi-<br>dent&nbsp;about&nbsp;their&nbsp;chances&nbsp;of&nbsp;winning.
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==October 25, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we've&nbsp;got<br>a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;to&nbsp;say,&nbsp;so&nbsp;let's&nbsp;get&nbsp;saying&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>have&nbsp;some&nbsp;eye-witness&nbsp;reporting&nbsp;for&nbsp;you,<br>seen&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;these&nbsp;very&nbsp;own&nbsp;peepers,&nbsp;&nbsp;thanks<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;Mayor&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;his&nbsp;hideous&nbsp;&nbsp;love&nbsp;of<br>healthy,&nbsp;&nbsp;environmentally&nbsp;&nbsp;conscious&nbsp;and<br>early-morning&nbsp;&nbsp;activities.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hiking&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;a<br>mountain&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;there's&nbsp;&nbsp;barely&nbsp;&nbsp;daylight<br>just&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;clean&nbsp;up&nbsp;trash&nbsp;left&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;kids<br>too&nbsp;foolish&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;tidy&nbsp;up&nbsp;the&nbsp;evidence&nbsp;of<br>their&nbsp;&nbsp;own&nbsp;parties&nbsp;(looking&nbsp;at&nbsp;you,&nbsp;John<br>and&nbsp;Annette,&nbsp;and&nbsp;George,&nbsp;too)&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;not&nbsp;my<br>idea&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;peaceful&nbsp;interview.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;on&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;eye-witness&nbsp;business.&nbsp;&nbsp;We<br>saw&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;bunch&nbsp;of&nbsp;trees&nbsp;just&nbsp;torn&nbsp;down&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;woods,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;lot&nbsp;more&nbsp;than&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;kids<br>could&nbsp;&nbsp;manage&nbsp;on&nbsp;foot.&nbsp;&nbsp;Didn't&nbsp;look&nbsp;like<br>bear&nbsp;sign,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;&nbsp;anything<br>that&nbsp;looked&nbsp;like&nbsp;power&nbsp;tools&nbsp;nearby,&nbsp;&nbsp;so<br>be&nbsp;careful&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;if&nbsp;you're&nbsp;going&nbsp;on<br>a&nbsp;hike&nbsp;alone.<br><br>Next,&nbsp;it's&nbsp;not&nbsp;even&nbsp;November&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;but&nbsp;we<br>already&nbsp;have&nbsp;some&nbsp;Christmas&nbsp;card&nbsp;capers,<br>and&nbsp;some&nbsp;itchy,&nbsp;sneezy&nbsp;ones&nbsp;at&nbsp;that.&nbsp;The<br>folks&nbsp;who've&nbsp;gotten&nbsp;these&nbsp;cards&nbsp;say&nbsp;they<br>felt&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;allergies,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;creepy,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,<br>like&nbsp;they&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;the&nbsp;only&nbsp;person&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>driver's&nbsp;seat&nbsp;of&nbsp;their&nbsp;own&nbsp;bodies.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now,<br>I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;when&nbsp;people<br>tell&nbsp;&nbsp;ME&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;holiday&nbsp;spirit,<br>I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;go&nbsp;out&nbsp;and&nbsp;try&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;possessed.<br><br>A&nbsp;Cade&nbsp;Sextus,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told,&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;zero<br>takers&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;offers&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;dye&nbsp;or&nbsp;paint<br>whatever&nbsp;metal&nbsp;he's&nbsp;brought.&nbsp;You'd&nbsp;think<br>a&nbsp;town&nbsp;like&nbsp;this&nbsp;would&nbsp;like&nbsp;some&nbsp;oddball<br>art.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just&nbsp;think,&nbsp;we&nbsp;could&nbsp;all&nbsp;sport&nbsp;hub<br>caps&nbsp;as&nbsp;darling&nbsp;as&nbsp;Amanda&nbsp;Binks'&nbsp;Chevy.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Binks,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been&nbsp;watching<br>some&nbsp;good&nbsp;old&nbsp;Halloween&nbsp;movie&nbsp;fun-a-thon<br>runs&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;TV&nbsp;lately,&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;myself&nbsp;into<br>the&nbsp;spooky&nbsp;spirit,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;Hocus&nbsp;Pocus&nbsp;must<br>be&nbsp;on&nbsp;somebody's&nbsp;list&nbsp;of&nbsp;favorites,&nbsp;&nbsp;be-<br>cause&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;could&nbsp;swear&nbsp;it's&nbsp;been&nbsp;on&nbsp;twice<br>as&nbsp;&nbsp;often&nbsp;as&nbsp;anything&nbsp;else.&nbsp;&nbsp;Not&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;I<br>mind.&nbsp;&nbsp;Can't&nbsp;go&nbsp;&nbsp;wrong&nbsp;with&nbsp;Bette&nbsp;Midler<br>putting&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;spell&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;fake&nbsp;buck<br>teeth.<br><br>We&nbsp;&nbsp;CAN&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;wrong&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;cornfield&nbsp;maze<br>when&nbsp;there's&nbsp;no&nbsp;corn...&nbsp;Steve's&nbsp;&nbsp;always<br>been&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;odd,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;takes&nbsp;the<br>cake&nbsp;even&nbsp;for&nbsp;him.&nbsp;&nbsp;This&nbsp;month.&nbsp;Who&nbsp;can<br>say&nbsp;what&nbsp;he'll&nbsp;do&nbsp;in&nbsp;November?&nbsp;&nbsp;See,&nbsp;he<br>has&nbsp;a&nbsp;maze,&nbsp;but&nbsp;he&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;grown&nbsp;corn&nbsp;in<br>five&nbsp;years.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;just&nbsp;high&nbsp;weeds.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm<br>told&nbsp;it's&nbsp;really&nbsp;something,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;kid<br>I&nbsp;talked&nbsp;to,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;gave&nbsp;me&nbsp;this&nbsp;scoop&nbsp;on<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;promise&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;even&nbsp;hint<br>at&nbsp;their&nbsp;name,&nbsp;&nbsp;clever&nbsp;person&nbsp;that&nbsp;they<br>were,&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;pretty&nbsp;spooked:&nbsp;either&nbsp;Steve<br>really&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;faulty&nbsp;motor&nbsp;somewhere&nbsp;or<br>someone&nbsp;was&nbsp;out&nbsp;there&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;chainsaw.
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==November 01, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;have&nbsp;I&nbsp;got<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;scoop&nbsp;for&nbsp;you!&nbsp;&nbsp;Tanya&nbsp;Mallory,&nbsp;&nbsp;local<br>aficionado&nbsp;extraordinaire,&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;gave&nbsp;me<br>a&nbsp;bowl&nbsp;of&nbsp;some&nbsp;of&nbsp;Dare's&nbsp;newest&nbsp;flavors,<br>and&nbsp;hoo&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;you've&nbsp;got&nbsp;to&nbsp;try&nbsp;these.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;tongue&nbsp;even&nbsp;knew&nbsp;how&nbsp;to<br>taste&nbsp;that&nbsp;many&nbsp;oddball&nbsp;things&nbsp;at&nbsp;once.<br><br>That&nbsp;said,&nbsp;Happy&nbsp;Halloween!&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;&nbsp;day&nbsp;late<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;better&nbsp;than&nbsp;never.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;not&nbsp;sure&nbsp;who<br>it&nbsp;was,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been&nbsp;hearing&nbsp;rumors&nbsp;all<br>around&nbsp;town&nbsp;that&nbsp;someone&nbsp;went&nbsp;around&nbsp;and<br>placed&nbsp;a&nbsp;bunch&nbsp;of&nbsp;stone&nbsp;cat&nbsp;carvings&nbsp;all<br>over&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;place.&nbsp;&nbsp;What'd&nbsp;they&nbsp;do,&nbsp;&nbsp;cross<br>paths&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;black&nbsp;one?&nbsp;&nbsp;Propitiation&nbsp;on<br>that&nbsp;scale&nbsp;&nbsp;seems&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;excessive,&nbsp;&nbsp;but<br>who&nbsp;am&nbsp;I&nbsp;to&nbsp;judge?<br><br>I've&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;Nancy's&nbsp;boy&nbsp;was&nbsp;found<br>out&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;woods&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;days&nbsp;back,&nbsp;&nbsp;after<br>being&nbsp;&nbsp;missing&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just&nbsp;a&nbsp;few<br>scrapes&nbsp;and&nbsp;cuts,&nbsp;but&nbsp;please,&nbsp;&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;be<br>careful&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;woods.&nbsp;&nbsp;Especially<br>the&nbsp;ones&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;east&nbsp;bank.<br><br>On&nbsp;a&nbsp;much&nbsp;lighter&nbsp;note,&nbsp;it&nbsp;is&nbsp;my&nbsp;joy&nbsp;and<br>privilege&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;bring&nbsp;you&nbsp;yet&nbsp;another&nbsp;Kip-<br>scapade&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;Rumor&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;it&nbsp;that<br>our&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;&nbsp;book-loving,&nbsp;&nbsp;rainbow-haired<br>royalty&nbsp;left&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;hurry&nbsp;after<br>cozying&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;&nbsp;Kensington,<br>followed&nbsp;moments&nbsp;&nbsp;later&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Kip&nbsp;him-<br>self!&nbsp;&nbsp;Wonder&nbsp;what&nbsp;books&nbsp;THEY&nbsp;were&nbsp;going<br>off&nbsp;to&nbsp;love...<br><br>Don't&nbsp;&nbsp;forget,&nbsp;&nbsp;folks&nbsp;--&nbsp;we've&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;our<br>First&nbsp;Snow&nbsp;celebrations,&nbsp;but&nbsp;we're&nbsp;still<br>keeping&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;eye&nbsp;out&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;start&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>Frozen&nbsp;Bread&nbsp;Guy&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;deep&nbsp;snow,<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;forges&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;blacksmith's<br>workshop&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;a&nbsp;good,&nbsp;&nbsp;thorough<br>cleaning&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;prep&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;work&nbsp;he&nbsp;and<br>his&nbsp;assistants&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;doing&nbsp;all&nbsp;through<br>December.
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==November 08, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of<br>kids&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;hospital&nbsp;have&nbsp;had&nbsp;some&nbsp;magic<br>even&nbsp;past&nbsp;the&nbsp;night&nbsp;of&nbsp;Halloween&nbsp;itself.<br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;our&nbsp;bunny-crazy&nbsp;duo,&nbsp;Haruki&nbsp;and<br>Itsuki,&nbsp;&nbsp;dressed&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;Pharaoh&nbsp;mummy<br>and,&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;this,&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;&nbsp;Egyptian&nbsp;&nbsp;god&nbsp;&nbsp;with<br>bunny&nbsp;ears,&nbsp;spent&nbsp;time&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;Riverside<br>Hospital&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;other&nbsp;charities&nbsp;and<br>care&nbsp;&nbsp;facilities&nbsp;as&nbsp;volunteer&nbsp;entertain-<br>ment,&nbsp;doing&nbsp;magic&nbsp;tricks&nbsp;and,&nbsp;of&nbsp;course,<br>because&nbsp;&nbsp;why&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;them,<br>letting&nbsp;&nbsp;folks&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;pet&nbsp;&nbsp;certified&nbsp;&nbsp;therapy<br>rabbits,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;also&nbsp;&nbsp;in<br>costume.<br><br>I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;I&nbsp;sure&nbsp;hope<br>they&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;bunny&nbsp;pooper&nbsp;scoopers.<br><br>I've&nbsp;&nbsp;also&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Haruki<br>there&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;&nbsp;studious&nbsp;Apple<br>Queen&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;Patterson&nbsp;Middle&nbsp;School&nbsp;as<br>well,&nbsp;&nbsp;having&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;contest&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;best<br>apple-based&nbsp;&nbsp;diorama.&nbsp;&nbsp;Golden&nbsp;boy&nbsp;&nbsp;Logan<br>Brenner&nbsp;&nbsp;offered&nbsp;&nbsp;prizes&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;winners.<br>No&nbsp;parents&nbsp;allowed.<br><br>Thankfully,&nbsp;it's&nbsp;turkey&nbsp;season&nbsp;here,&nbsp;and<br>mmm&nbsp;mmm&nbsp;mmmmm&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;looking&nbsp;&nbsp;forward&nbsp;to&nbsp;a<br>good,&nbsp;hot&nbsp;roasted&nbsp;bird&nbsp;with&nbsp;all&nbsp;the&nbsp;fix-<br>ings.&nbsp;&nbsp;Ann-Marie&nbsp;still&nbsp;won't&nbsp;give&nbsp;me&nbsp;her<br>gravy&nbsp;recipe,&nbsp;but&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;self-plug,<br>on&nbsp;top&nbsp;of&nbsp;what&nbsp;Amanda's&nbsp;already&nbsp;writing,<br>this&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;a&nbsp;reminder&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper<br>will&nbsp;be&nbsp;donating&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;proceeds&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;this<br>week's&nbsp;publication&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;local&nbsp;homeless<br>shelter&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;buy&nbsp;a<br>few!&nbsp;&nbsp;Heck,&nbsp;&nbsp;paper&nbsp;your&nbsp;walls&nbsp;with&nbsp;them,<br>or&nbsp;&nbsp;twist&nbsp;&nbsp;yourself&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;newspaper<br>log&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;altar&nbsp;of&nbsp;good&nbsp;gossip.&nbsp;&nbsp;You've<br>all&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;altars&nbsp;in&nbsp;your&nbsp;home,&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>course.&nbsp;&nbsp;Don't&nbsp;you?<br><br>On&nbsp;a&nbsp;heavier&nbsp;note,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;sad&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;that<br>rumors&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;Old&nbsp;Man&nbsp;Jones&nbsp;were&nbsp;not&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>least&nbsp;exaggerated.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;died&nbsp;as&nbsp;he&nbsp;lived:<br>hurtling&nbsp;&nbsp;through&nbsp;space&nbsp;as&nbsp;quickly&nbsp;as&nbsp;he<br>could,&nbsp;just&nbsp;waiting&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;hard&nbsp;drop.&nbsp;&nbsp;I,<br>for&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;will&nbsp;&nbsp;miss&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;old&nbsp;cuss.&nbsp;&nbsp;The<br>things&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;used&nbsp;to&nbsp;tell&nbsp;me&nbsp;about&nbsp;little<br>miss&nbsp;&nbsp;Bethesda&nbsp;&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;younger<br>years,&nbsp;&nbsp;well,&nbsp;&nbsp;they're&nbsp;too&nbsp;much&nbsp;even&nbsp;for<br>THIS&nbsp;&nbsp;paper&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;publish.&nbsp;&nbsp;Rest&nbsp;in&nbsp;peace,<br>Jones.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;hope&nbsp;&nbsp;heaven's&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;rocket<br>just&nbsp;for&nbsp;you
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==November 15, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;of&nbsp;our<br>charming&nbsp;&nbsp;young&nbsp;&nbsp;men&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;found&nbsp;out,&nbsp;the<br>hard&nbsp;way,&nbsp;that&nbsp;black&nbsp;ice&nbsp;is&nbsp;no&nbsp;joke.&nbsp;You<br>have&nbsp;my&nbsp;sympathies,&nbsp;&nbsp;Jacob,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;a<br>broken&nbsp;coccyx&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;slow&nbsp;you&nbsp;down.&nbsp;&nbsp;My<br>bet's&nbsp;still&nbsp;on&nbsp;you&nbsp;for&nbsp;hockey&nbsp;later&nbsp;this<br>Winter!<br><br>We're&nbsp;getting&nbsp;more&nbsp;snow,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;Frozen<br>Bread&nbsp;Guy&nbsp;committee&nbsp;says&nbsp;we&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;quite<br>ready&nbsp;for&nbsp;full&nbsp;freeze.&nbsp;&nbsp;Too&nbsp;soon&nbsp;to&nbsp;bake<br>our&nbsp;delicious&nbsp;gentlemen,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;I<br>can&nbsp;expect&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;full&nbsp;run-down&nbsp;on&nbsp;when&nbsp;the<br>festival&nbsp;will&nbsp;start,&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;soon&nbsp;as&nbsp;weather<br>behaves&nbsp;itself.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;can't&nbsp;&nbsp;believe&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;saying&nbsp;this,&nbsp;&nbsp;but<br>come&nbsp;on,&nbsp;Mother&nbsp;Nature.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let&nbsp;it&nbsp;snow!<br><br>If&nbsp;we&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;blizzard&nbsp;next&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;can<br>all&nbsp;blame&nbsp;me.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;take&nbsp;the&nbsp;hate.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;hate,&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;tells<br>me&nbsp;that&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;young&nbsp;woman&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;white<br>coat&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;seen&nbsp;lurking&nbsp;&nbsp;outside&nbsp;of&nbsp;a<br>certain&nbsp;&nbsp;young&nbsp;man's&nbsp;&nbsp;bedroom&nbsp;&nbsp;window&nbsp;at<br>night,&nbsp;&nbsp;reciting&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;poetry.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;window<br>remains&nbsp;unmoved,&nbsp;but&nbsp;from&nbsp;all&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard<br>of&nbsp;it,&nbsp;the&nbsp;poetry&nbsp;sounds&nbsp;good.&nbsp;Girl,&nbsp;you<br>should&nbsp;go&nbsp;and&nbsp;loiter&nbsp;outside&nbsp;Paul&nbsp;Gann's<br>place&nbsp;next.&nbsp;He&nbsp;could&nbsp;use&nbsp;a&nbsp;refresher,&nbsp;or<br>at&nbsp;least&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;help,&nbsp;&nbsp;because&nbsp;Mandy's<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;stuff&nbsp;his&nbsp;quill&nbsp;pen&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;his<br>loving&nbsp;throat.<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;Haruki&nbsp;would&nbsp;like&nbsp;to<br>inform&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;world&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;rabbits&nbsp;are&nbsp;the<br>bee's&nbsp;knees.
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==November 22, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a<br>dilemma:&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;you&nbsp;have&nbsp;all&nbsp;surely&nbsp;read&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;news&nbsp;section&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper,&nbsp;&nbsp;SOMEone<br>has&nbsp;managed&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;burn&nbsp;down&nbsp;a&nbsp;chunk&nbsp;of&nbsp;our<br>best&nbsp;bookstore&nbsp;owner's&nbsp;shop,&nbsp;Homepage.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;police&nbsp;reports&nbsp;aside,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;that<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;fair&nbsp;&nbsp;number&nbsp;of&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;seen<br>going&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;and&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;place&nbsp;in&nbsp;recent<br>days,&nbsp;and&nbsp;Mina&nbsp;&nbsp;sure&nbsp;&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;happy<br>with&nbsp;her&nbsp;affianced.&nbsp;&nbsp;Do&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;case<br>of&nbsp;jealous&nbsp;love&nbsp;on&nbsp;our&nbsp;hands,&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;and<br>gents?&nbsp;&nbsp;Or&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;really&nbsp;the&nbsp;fault&nbsp;of<br>a&nbsp;faulty&nbsp;appliance?<br><br>I&nbsp;have&nbsp;my&nbsp;own&nbsp;ideas.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;do&nbsp;YOU&nbsp;think?<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;Mina,&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;peeps<br>and&nbsp;chirps&nbsp;about&nbsp;a&nbsp;dance&nbsp;company&nbsp;down&nbsp;in<br>Boston.&nbsp;&nbsp;Break&nbsp;a&nbsp;leg,&nbsp;girly.&nbsp;Crack&nbsp;those<br>nuts&nbsp;well.<br><br>With&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;being&nbsp;&nbsp;published&nbsp;on&nbsp;good&nbsp;old<br>Thanksgiving&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;list<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;things&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;thankful&nbsp;for&nbsp;this&nbsp;year.<br>Only&nbsp;three&nbsp;of&nbsp;them,&nbsp;&nbsp;since&nbsp;&nbsp;Charlie&nbsp;&nbsp;won<br>the&nbsp;office&nbsp;bet.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;thankful&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Roberts&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;his<br>wife,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;never&nbsp;fail&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;give&nbsp;us&nbsp;some-<br>thing&nbsp;fun&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;over&nbsp;when&nbsp;they&nbsp;show<br>up&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;latest&nbsp;version&nbsp;of&nbsp;cutting&nbsp;each<br>other's&nbsp;hair.&nbsp;&nbsp;Lettie,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;still&nbsp;say&nbsp;the<br>electric&nbsp;lemon&nbsp;banana&nbsp;curls&nbsp;beat&nbsp;out&nbsp;the<br>urchin&nbsp;spines.&nbsp;&nbsp;At&nbsp;least&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;could&nbsp;kiss<br>the&nbsp;guy&nbsp;without&nbsp;stabbing&nbsp;him!<br><br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;thankful&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;Clarice,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;taking<br>over&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe&nbsp;when&nbsp;Hazel&nbsp;had<br>to&nbsp;leave&nbsp;us&nbsp;all.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;town&nbsp;needed&nbsp;a&nbsp;good<br>watering&nbsp;hole&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;mingle&nbsp;the&nbsp;old&nbsp;and&nbsp;the<br>weird&nbsp;&nbsp;in.&nbsp;&nbsp;I,&nbsp;of&nbsp;course,&nbsp;am&nbsp;neither&nbsp;old<br>nor&nbsp;&nbsp;weird,&nbsp;&nbsp;despite&nbsp;&nbsp;Tommy's&nbsp;&nbsp;courteous<br>efforts&nbsp;to&nbsp;walk&nbsp;me&nbsp;across&nbsp;the&nbsp;street.<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;thankful&nbsp;to&nbsp;be<br>alive.&nbsp;&nbsp;Real&nbsp;talk,&nbsp;here.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;world's&nbsp;a<br>messed&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;place,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;we're&nbsp;doing&nbsp;some<br>good.&nbsp;&nbsp;I,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;intend&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;keep&nbsp;on<br>doing&nbsp;it.
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==November 29, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we&nbsp;say&nbsp;good<br>bye&nbsp;to&nbsp;another&nbsp;old&nbsp;friend.&nbsp;Pepper&nbsp;Miller<br>was&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;and&nbsp;almost&nbsp;always&nbsp;did&nbsp;as<br>he&nbsp;was&nbsp;told.&nbsp;His&nbsp;owner,&nbsp;Fitch,&nbsp;paid&nbsp;me&nbsp;a<br>box&nbsp;of&nbsp;cinnamon&nbsp;candy&nbsp;purchased&nbsp;with&nbsp;his<br>own&nbsp;allowance&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;so.&nbsp;Thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;kid.<br>My&nbsp;dentist&nbsp;thanks&nbsp;you,&nbsp;too.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;loves&nbsp;it<br>when&nbsp;I&nbsp;eat&nbsp;too&nbsp;much&nbsp;sugar.<br><br>December's&nbsp;just&nbsp;a&nbsp;day&nbsp;away,&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;and&nbsp;a<br>noisy&nbsp;day,&nbsp;at&nbsp;that.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;was&nbsp;out&nbsp;along&nbsp;the<br>riverbank,&nbsp;&nbsp;tromping&nbsp;&nbsp;through&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;snow,<br>and&nbsp;clangity-clang&nbsp;clang&nbsp;went&nbsp;the&nbsp;hammer<br>at&nbsp;the&nbsp;blacksmith's&nbsp;place.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;few<br>mighty&nbsp;fine&nbsp;assistants,&nbsp;too...<br><br>Pity&nbsp;they&nbsp;were&nbsp;all&nbsp;young&nbsp;enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;my<br>sons.&nbsp;&nbsp;Sons,&nbsp;Blair.&nbsp;&nbsp;Not&nbsp;grandsons.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm<br>not&nbsp;THAT&nbsp;old.<br><br>Eye&nbsp;&nbsp;candy&nbsp;&nbsp;value&nbsp;aside,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;you&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;<br>planned&nbsp;a&nbsp;day&nbsp;to&nbsp;stop&nbsp;in&nbsp;for&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;iron,<br>there's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;calendar&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;hall.&nbsp;I<br>hear&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;someone&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;blocking<br>out&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;favorite&nbsp;days&nbsp;to&nbsp;chase&nbsp;&nbsp;people&nbsp;<br>down&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;holiday&nbsp;choir&nbsp;&nbsp;there,&nbsp;&nbsp;too.&nbsp;<br>Samuel&nbsp;W.&nbsp;Lees,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;should&nbsp;know&nbsp;better&nbsp;<br>than&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;ask&nbsp;folks&nbsp;in&nbsp;THIS&nbsp;town&nbsp;to&nbsp;sing.<br>Remember&nbsp;'72?&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;pretend&nbsp;I<br>don't,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sake&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;remaining&nbsp;<br>twenty-mumble.<br><br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;&nbsp;author&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;kick&nbsp;out<br>of&nbsp;sweet&nbsp;eyefuls&nbsp;himself,&nbsp;it&nbsp;seems.&nbsp;I've<br>been&nbsp;&nbsp;given&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;peek&nbsp;at&nbsp;a&nbsp;book&nbsp;with&nbsp;some<br>very&nbsp;familiar&nbsp;characters&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;cover,<br>and&nbsp;said&nbsp;&nbsp;author&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;a&nbsp;great&nbsp;admirer&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;one&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;gave&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;me.&nbsp;&nbsp;To&nbsp;&nbsp;para-<br>phrase&nbsp;her&nbsp;letter,&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;opinion,&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>man&nbsp;&nbsp;must&nbsp;REALLY&nbsp;&nbsp;care&nbsp;about&nbsp;getting&nbsp;the<br>investigation&nbsp;right&nbsp;for&nbsp;all&nbsp;that&nbsp;work!
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==December 06, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;our<br>selves&nbsp;a&nbsp;nice&nbsp;little&nbsp;mystery.&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard<br>from&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;sources&nbsp;that&nbsp;a&nbsp;tall&nbsp;brunette<br>has&nbsp;been&nbsp;seen&nbsp;standing&nbsp;outside&nbsp;of&nbsp;folks'<br>homes,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;skedaddles&nbsp;any&nbsp;time&nbsp;someone<br>takes&nbsp;&nbsp;notice&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;her.&nbsp;&nbsp;Anyone&nbsp;remember<br>setting&nbsp;out&nbsp;bait&nbsp;for&nbsp;Mothwoman?<br><br>On&nbsp;a&nbsp;lighter&nbsp;note,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;there's&nbsp;a<br>party&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;offing&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;owner&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>paintball&nbsp;range,&nbsp;and&nbsp;from&nbsp;what&nbsp;the&nbsp;rumor<br>mill&nbsp;is&nbsp;telling&nbsp;me,&nbsp;booze&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>offing.&nbsp;&nbsp;Tempting.&nbsp;&nbsp;Very&nbsp;tempting.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm<br>told&nbsp;the&nbsp;man&nbsp;hosting&nbsp;the&nbsp;thing's&nbsp;a&nbsp;tasty<br>morsel&nbsp;his&nbsp;own&nbsp;self.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;new&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;recall<br>the&nbsp;Utridge&nbsp;crew&nbsp;earlier&nbsp;this&nbsp;year?&nbsp;Most<br>of&nbsp;them&nbsp;&nbsp;seem&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;departed&nbsp;for&nbsp;parts<br>unknown,&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;sources&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;me&nbsp;miss<br>Olivia's&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;around.&nbsp;&nbsp;Where&nbsp;&nbsp;DID<br>they&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;go?&nbsp;&nbsp;Secret&nbsp;lab?&nbsp;&nbsp;Hidden&nbsp;baby?<br>If&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;the&nbsp;answer,&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;be<br>the&nbsp;first&nbsp;to&nbsp;know!<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;to-do&nbsp;down<br>at&nbsp;the&nbsp;mall&nbsp;&nbsp;recently&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;Silly<br>String(tm)&nbsp;and&nbsp;shaving&nbsp;cream.&nbsp;&nbsp;Best&nbsp;food<br>court&nbsp;entertainment&nbsp;in&nbsp;years.&nbsp;Sorry,&nbsp;Hal<br>just&nbsp;&nbsp;can't&nbsp;&nbsp;compete&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;Looney&nbsp;Tunes<br>style&nbsp;chase&nbsp;scenes&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;mall&nbsp;cops.&nbsp;&nbsp;The<br>teens&nbsp;&nbsp;responsible&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;be&nbsp;quite&nbsp;as<br>entertained,&nbsp;&nbsp;once&nbsp;they've&nbsp;finished&nbsp;with<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;community&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;service&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;cops&nbsp;&nbsp;have<br>given&nbsp;them&nbsp;as&nbsp;punishment...<br><br>Also&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;mall,&nbsp;&nbsp;while&nbsp;no&nbsp;one&nbsp;has&nbsp;been<br>able&nbsp;to&nbsp;peg&nbsp;who&nbsp;did&nbsp;it,&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;second<br>mystery&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;week:&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;beheaded&nbsp;Santa<br>Claus?&nbsp;&nbsp;An&nbsp;animatronic's&nbsp;rosy&nbsp;cheeks&nbsp;and<br>everything&nbsp;&nbsp;attached&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;missing&nbsp;as&nbsp;of<br>this&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;but<br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;awfully&nbsp;curious&nbsp;about&nbsp;just&nbsp;what&nbsp;the<br>culprit&nbsp;&nbsp;plans&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;great&nbsp;big<br>bearded&nbsp;head&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;hat.
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==December 13, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we've&nbsp;got&nbsp;a<br>little&nbsp;less&nbsp;than&nbsp;two&nbsp;weeks&nbsp;until&nbsp;Christ-<br>mas,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;boy&nbsp;&nbsp;howdy&nbsp;are&nbsp;the&nbsp;decorating<br>committees&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;hive&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;busy&nbsp;busy&nbsp;bees.<br><br>Why,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;from&nbsp;Mabel&nbsp;just&nbsp;the&nbsp;other<br>day&nbsp;that&nbsp;several&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;sources&nbsp;had&nbsp;been<br>lying&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;me&nbsp;about&nbsp;who&nbsp;sold&nbsp;them&nbsp;the&nbsp;new<br>greenery&nbsp;swags&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;hung&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;Town<br>Hall.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;world&nbsp;coming&nbsp;to,&nbsp;when<br>there's&nbsp;a&nbsp;black&nbsp;market&nbsp;for&nbsp;balsam&nbsp;fir?<br><br>June&nbsp;could&nbsp;tell&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;she's&nbsp;gone&nbsp;and<br>flown&nbsp;the&nbsp;coop.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>That's&nbsp;&nbsp;right,&nbsp;&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;and&nbsp;gents:&nbsp;my&nbsp;one<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;&nbsp;rival&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;decided&nbsp;to<br>make&nbsp;the&nbsp;big&nbsp;&nbsp;move&nbsp;down&nbsp;to&nbsp;balmy,&nbsp;&nbsp;sunny<br>Honolulu&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;live&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;great-<br>grandson.<br><br>Junebug,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;say&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;love&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;<br>because&nbsp;&nbsp;you're&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;too&nbsp;far&nbsp;away<br>to&nbsp;smack&nbsp;me&nbsp;with&nbsp;your&nbsp;cane,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;will&nbsp;be<br>missed.&nbsp;&nbsp;Sometimes.<br><br>Andy&nbsp;Johnson&nbsp;&nbsp;sure&nbsp;&nbsp;wishes&nbsp;the&nbsp;person(s)<br>responsible&nbsp;for&nbsp;vandalizing&nbsp;his&nbsp;hardware<br>store&nbsp;would&nbsp;start&nbsp;going&nbsp;missing.&nbsp;I&nbsp;heard<br>from&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;friend&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;cousin's&nbsp;that&nbsp;just<br>the&nbsp;other&nbsp;week,&nbsp;someone&nbsp;twice&nbsp;used&nbsp;spray<br>paint&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;along&nbsp;the&nbsp;back&nbsp;wall&nbsp;to&nbsp;write<br>who&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;knows&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;language.&nbsp;&nbsp;Do&nbsp;&nbsp;we<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;enterprising&nbsp;young&nbsp;&nbsp;witch&nbsp;doing<br>spells&nbsp;in&nbsp;alleyways?&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>He&nbsp;did&nbsp;say&nbsp;it&nbsp;smelled&nbsp;like&nbsp;smoke...
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==December 20, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;someone&nbsp;has<br>decided&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;being&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;Grinch&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;week<br>before&nbsp;Christmas,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;what&nbsp;a&nbsp;shame&nbsp;that<br>is.&nbsp;&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;of&nbsp;my&nbsp;sources&nbsp;was&nbsp;walking<br>past&nbsp;Lost&nbsp;Treasures&nbsp;with&nbsp;her&nbsp;pooch,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>tells&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;poor&nbsp;toy&nbsp;shop&nbsp;was&nbsp;totally<br>trashed.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;nice&nbsp;&nbsp;policemen&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't<br>accept&nbsp;my&nbsp;questions,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;wanting<br>toys&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;store&nbsp;will&nbsp;just&nbsp;have&nbsp;to<br>wait&nbsp;until&nbsp;they&nbsp;get&nbsp;the&nbsp;door&nbsp;put&nbsp;back&nbsp;up<br>in&nbsp;a&nbsp;frame&nbsp;that&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;busted.<br><br>In&nbsp;happier&nbsp;news,&nbsp;as&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;sure&nbsp;you've&nbsp;read<br>earlier&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;paper,&nbsp;the&nbsp;parade&nbsp;this<br>weekend&nbsp;is&nbsp;expectd&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;off&nbsp;without&nbsp;too<br>many&nbsp;hitches,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;as&nbsp;someone&nbsp;who's&nbsp;been<br>listening&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;kiddos&nbsp;practice,&nbsp;let&nbsp;me<br>tell&nbsp;you,&nbsp;you&nbsp;don't&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;miss&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;It<br>will&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;experience&nbsp;you&nbsp;won't&nbsp;forget.<br>Possibly&nbsp;it&nbsp;will&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;permanent&nbsp;damage&nbsp;to<br>your&nbsp;retinas.&nbsp;&nbsp;Bring&nbsp;sunglasses.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;sunglasses...<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;ourselves&nbsp;a<br>Mysterious&nbsp;Stranger&nbsp;in&nbsp;town,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;claims<br>to&nbsp;be&nbsp;a&nbsp;vampire,&nbsp;&nbsp;walks&nbsp;&nbsp;around&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;an<br>umbrella&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;sunny&nbsp;&nbsp;day,&nbsp;and&nbsp;pesters<br>waitresses&nbsp;beyond&nbsp;endurance.&nbsp;They&nbsp;do&nbsp;say<br>he's&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;tipper,&nbsp;&nbsp;however,&nbsp;even&nbsp;if&nbsp;it<br>doesn't&nbsp;&nbsp;make&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;rest.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;do<br>you&nbsp;think?&nbsp;&nbsp;Cute&nbsp;&nbsp;goth&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;supernatural<br>predator&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;night?&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;he's&nbsp;real,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>totally&nbsp;&nbsp;call&nbsp;&nbsp;dibs&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;being&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;Anne<br>Rice.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;loving<br>this&nbsp;heat&nbsp;wave,&nbsp;even&nbsp;if&nbsp;the&nbsp;Frozen&nbsp;Bread<br>Guy&nbsp;contest&nbsp;is&nbsp;getting&nbsp;pushed&nbsp;back&nbsp;again<br>until&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;stops&nbsp;&nbsp;raining.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;thinking<br>I'll&nbsp;&nbsp;skip&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;raisins&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;year.&nbsp;&nbsp;My<br>bread&nbsp;guys&nbsp;keep&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;eaten.&nbsp;&nbsp;Totally<br>inedible&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;rock&nbsp;solid&nbsp;is&nbsp;my&nbsp;goal&nbsp;this<br>year.&nbsp;Jan,&nbsp;try&nbsp;not&nbsp;to&nbsp;steal&nbsp;that&nbsp;one&nbsp;for<br>your&nbsp;Christmas&nbsp;bread&nbsp;this&nbsp;time&nbsp;around.&nbsp;I<br>already&nbsp;paid&nbsp;my&nbsp;dentist&nbsp;bills,&nbsp;and&nbsp;don't<br>want&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;chipping&nbsp;a&nbsp;tooth&nbsp;on&nbsp;granite<br>masquerading&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;fruitbread.&nbsp;&nbsp;Point&nbsp;&nbsp;in<br>fact,&nbsp;let's&nbsp;make&nbsp;a&nbsp;night&nbsp;of&nbsp;it,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'll<br>bring&nbsp;the&nbsp;booze&nbsp;to&nbsp;keep&nbsp;it&nbsp;loose!
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==December 27, 2018==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;hope&nbsp;we<br>all&nbsp;had&nbsp;an&nbsp;excellent&nbsp;Christmas,&nbsp;those&nbsp;of<br>us&nbsp;who&nbsp;celebrate&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;all&nbsp;those<br>who&nbsp;don't,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;the&nbsp;season's&nbsp;treating<br>you&nbsp;well.&nbsp;Don't&nbsp;worry.&nbsp;Getting&nbsp;drunk&nbsp;off<br>your&nbsp;patoot&nbsp;on&nbsp;New&nbsp;Year's&nbsp;Eve&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;fine,<br>perfectly&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;non-denominational&nbsp;&nbsp;holiday.<br>You&nbsp;still&nbsp;have&nbsp;time.<br><br>Emily&nbsp;Watt,&nbsp;however,&nbsp;does&nbsp;not&nbsp;have&nbsp;time.<br>No,&nbsp;our&nbsp;little&nbsp;Emily&nbsp;is,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told,&nbsp;going<br>to&nbsp;be&nbsp;grounded&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;rest&nbsp;of&nbsp;her&nbsp;life.<br>Em,&nbsp;&nbsp;kiddo,&nbsp;you&nbsp;know&nbsp;it&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;safe&nbsp;to&nbsp;go<br>out&nbsp;at&nbsp;night&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;river,&nbsp;especially&nbsp;at<br>this&nbsp;time&nbsp;of&nbsp;year.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Miss&nbsp;Esmeralda&nbsp;Hinklepuff,&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;other<br>hand,&nbsp;is&nbsp;perfectly&nbsp;safe,&nbsp;behind&nbsp;thirteen<br>locks,&nbsp;twelve&nbsp;doors&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;mysterious&nbsp;red<br>box.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>My&nbsp;question&nbsp;is&nbsp;this:&nbsp;why&nbsp;lock&nbsp;your&nbsp;dolly<br>up&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;thoroughly?&nbsp;&nbsp;Do&nbsp;you&nbsp;expect&nbsp;her&nbsp;to<br>come&nbsp;to&nbsp;life,&nbsp;rise&nbsp;up&nbsp;from&nbsp;her&nbsp;shelf&nbsp;and<br>settle&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;pillow&nbsp;to&nbsp;stare&nbsp;at&nbsp;you<br>while&nbsp;you&nbsp;sleep?&nbsp;&nbsp;Smiling,&nbsp;staring...&nbsp;On<br>second&nbsp;thought,&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;exactly&nbsp;why&nbsp;you'd<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;lock&nbsp;her&nbsp;up.<br><br>As&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;things&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been<br>locking&nbsp;up&nbsp;lately&nbsp;are&nbsp;my&nbsp;coffee&nbsp;and&nbsp;bon-<br>bons.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Henry,&nbsp;&nbsp;nice&nbsp;&nbsp;try&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;file<br>cabinet.&nbsp;Next&nbsp;time&nbsp;you&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;pilfer&nbsp;my<br>coffee&nbsp;beans,&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;wear&nbsp;cologne&nbsp;if&nbsp;you<br>don't&nbsp;want&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;guess&nbsp;you've&nbsp;been&nbsp;there<br>'borrowing'&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;delicious&nbsp;&nbsp;caffeinated<br>gold.
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==January 3, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;someone&nbsp;has<br>been&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;naughty&nbsp;boy.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know<br>who&nbsp;&nbsp;did&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;neither&nbsp;do&nbsp;the&nbsp;cops&nbsp;if<br>sources&nbsp;are&nbsp;correct,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;the<br>New&nbsp;Year's&nbsp;Eve&nbsp;&nbsp;parties&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;mighty&nbsp;epic<br>out&nbsp;there&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;mountain.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Mind,&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;within&nbsp;ten&nbsp;miles&nbsp;could&nbsp;see<br>as&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;&nbsp;themselves,&nbsp;&nbsp;given&nbsp;the&nbsp;size&nbsp;of&nbsp;<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;fire&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;built&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;there...&nbsp;&nbsp;<br>Questionably&nbsp;lawful&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;not,&nbsp;&nbsp;whoever&nbsp;it&nbsp;<br>was&nbsp;&nbsp;left&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;a&nbsp;shred&nbsp;of&nbsp;easy&nbsp;evidence.<br>Not&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;trash.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;fire<br>chief,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;gotta&nbsp;say,&nbsp;that's&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;kind<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;fire&nbsp;&nbsp;threat&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;see&nbsp;around<br>more&nbsp;often.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;No&nbsp;&nbsp;real&nbsp;&nbsp;damage,&nbsp;&nbsp;nothing<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;clean&nbsp;&nbsp;up.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;No&nbsp;&nbsp;footprints,&nbsp;either,<br>which&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;kicker.<br><br>Do&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;ourselves&nbsp;some&nbsp;pyro&nbsp;ghosts?<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;fire,&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;forget&nbsp;to&nbsp;stop<br>by&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;town&nbsp;forge&nbsp;for&nbsp;your&nbsp;black&nbsp;iron,<br>if&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;gotten&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;already.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>got&nbsp;&nbsp;myself&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;hang&nbsp;up<br>over&nbsp;my&nbsp;door,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;my,&nbsp;that&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;peep<br>peep&nbsp;&nbsp;peeper&nbsp;&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;&nbsp;stopped&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;week.<br>Let's&nbsp;see&nbsp;if&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;fit&nbsp;this&nbsp;all&nbsp;in...<br><br>The&nbsp;police&nbsp;are&nbsp;supposedly&nbsp;&nbsp;searching&nbsp;for<br>a&nbsp;large&nbsp;man&nbsp;who&nbsp;was&nbsp;running&nbsp;&nbsp;through&nbsp;the<br>streets&nbsp;on&nbsp;New&nbsp;Year's&nbsp;Day,&nbsp;starkers,&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>question&nbsp;him&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;several&nbsp;piles&nbsp;of&nbsp;feces<br>left&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;public&nbsp;places.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;he&nbsp;was<br>a&nbsp;mighty&nbsp;&nbsp;hairy&nbsp;soul,&nbsp;except&nbsp;where&nbsp;every<br>one&nbsp;&nbsp;wanted&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Gotta&nbsp;say,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;undecid-<br>ed,&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;feel&nbsp;my&nbsp;editor&nbsp;developing<br>hives&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;thought&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;else&nbsp;I&nbsp;<br>might&nbsp;say&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;be&nbsp;good.<br><br>Two&nbsp;statues&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;missing&nbsp;from&nbsp;outside&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;Eastbank&nbsp;&nbsp;Savings&nbsp;&&nbsp;Financial&nbsp;Group<br>down&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;Patterson&nbsp;Bridge,&nbsp;with&nbsp;heaps&nbsp;of<br>glitter&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;broken&nbsp;glass&nbsp;left&nbsp;in&nbsp;t&nbsp;heir<br>place.&nbsp;&nbsp;Really?&nbsp;&nbsp;Broken&nbsp;glass?&nbsp;&nbsp;Come&nbsp;on,<br>people.&nbsp;&nbsp;That's&nbsp;not&nbsp;safe.<br><br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;drunk&nbsp;man&nbsp;at&nbsp;Alchemy&nbsp;swears,&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>down,&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;saw&nbsp;an&nbsp;angel&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;devil<br>sitting&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;drink&nbsp;together&nbsp;with&nbsp;an<br>elf&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;vampire.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;about<br>you,&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;know&nbsp;just&nbsp;what&nbsp;it<br>was&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;man&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;drinking.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;could&nbsp;use<br>a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;more&nbsp;excitement&nbsp;in&nbsp;my&nbsp;life.<br><br>Kidnappers,&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;permission&nbsp;to<br>come&nbsp;back.
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==January 10, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we&nbsp;are&nbsp;past<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;holiday&nbsp;&nbsp;hump&nbsp;a&nbsp;nd&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;holiday<br>slump,&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;least&nbsp;until&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;Day.<br>Boys,&nbsp;let&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;chocolates&nbsp;get<br>old.&nbsp;&nbsp;Never&nbsp;bon-bons,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;have&nbsp;you&nbsp;ever<br>tasted&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;stale&nbsp;things&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;cheap<br>drug&nbsp;store&nbsp;boxes?&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>No&nbsp;offense&nbsp;meant,&nbsp;&nbsp;drug&nbsp;stores,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;the<br>chocolate&nbsp;really&nbsp;is&nbsp;awful.<br><br>Then&nbsp;again,&nbsp;maybe&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;just&nbsp;spoiled.<br><br>The&nbsp;latest&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;THIS&nbsp;week&nbsp;is&nbsp;all&nbsp;about<br>local&nbsp;&nbsp;boy&nbsp;&nbsp;turned&nbsp;skiing&nbsp;phenom,&nbsp;Justin<br>Thyme.&nbsp;&nbsp;He's&nbsp;&nbsp;back&nbsp;from&nbsp;his&nbsp;latest&nbsp;tour,<br>and&nbsp;hoo&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;does&nbsp;he&nbsp;make&nbsp;me&nbsp;feel&nbsp;like&nbsp;a<br>slug&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;cross-country&nbsp;trails.&nbsp;&nbsp;A<br>few&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;farmers,&nbsp;&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;family<br>included,&nbsp;have&nbsp;opened&nbsp;up&nbsp;the&nbsp;fences&nbsp;on&nbsp;a<br>few&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;farther&nbsp;&nbsp;pastures,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>there's&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;long&nbsp;loop&nbsp;out&nbsp;there&nbsp;close<br>to&nbsp;the&nbsp;foot&nbsp;of&nbsp;Mount&nbsp;Salvation&nbsp;West.&nbsp;I'd<br>steer&nbsp;&nbsp;clear&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;foothills,&nbsp;just&nbsp;in<br>case.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;temperature&nbsp;fluctuations&nbsp;have<br>been&nbsp;playing&nbsp;merry&nbsp;hob&nbsp;with&nbsp;the&nbsp;rocks&nbsp;up<br>there,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;rockfalls&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;anything<br>to&nbsp;trifle&nbsp;with.<br><br>Our&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;naked&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Running&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Man&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;been<br>identified,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;he&nbsp;has&nbsp;personally&nbsp;asked<br>me&nbsp;not&nbsp;to&nbsp;put&nbsp;his&nbsp;name&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper.&nbsp;&nbsp;He<br>also&nbsp;says&nbsp;that&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;very,&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;drunk,<br>and&nbsp;that&nbsp;he&nbsp;used&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;pirate&nbsp;outfit<br>on&nbsp;until&nbsp;the&nbsp;talking&nbsp;frog&nbsp;told&nbsp;him&nbsp;to&nbsp;go<br>and&nbsp;kiss&nbsp;the&nbsp;princess&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;river.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm<br>told&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;princess&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;one&nbsp;who&nbsp;asked<br>the&nbsp;man&nbsp;to&nbsp;strip&nbsp;to&nbsp;prove&nbsp;his&nbsp;love...<br><br>If&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;ever&nbsp;meet&nbsp;a&nbsp;princess&nbsp;and&nbsp;she&nbsp;asks<br>ME&nbsp;to&nbsp;chuck&nbsp;my&nbsp;clothes&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;snowbank,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;but&nbsp;my&nbsp;answer&nbsp;will<br>be&nbsp;a&nbsp;firm,&nbsp;resounding,&nbsp;"Are&nbsp;you&nbsp;CRAZY?"<br><br>I've&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;look-see&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;fancy<br>new&nbsp;&nbsp;convention&nbsp;&nbsp;center&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;Patterson<br>Bridge,&nbsp;in&nbsp;other&nbsp;news,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;all&nbsp;I've&nbsp;got<br>to&nbsp;say&nbsp;is:&nbsp;wow.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just,&nbsp;wow.&nbsp;&nbsp;That&nbsp;is&nbsp;one<br>impressive&nbsp;building.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;owner&nbsp;took&nbsp;the<br>time&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;speak&nbsp;with&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;which&nbsp;I&nbsp;am<br>grateful,&nbsp;and&nbsp;if&nbsp;you&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;seen&nbsp;his&nbsp;ad<br>elsewhere&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper,&nbsp;you&nbsp;should&nbsp;check<br>it&nbsp;out.&nbsp;&nbsp;Every&nbsp;room&nbsp;is&nbsp;different&nbsp;in&nbsp;that<br>place,&nbsp;and&nbsp;let&nbsp;me&nbsp;tell&nbsp;you,&nbsp;the&nbsp;kitchens<br>are&nbsp;to&nbsp;die&nbsp;for.
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==January 17, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;the<br>lucky&nbsp;recipients&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;Hometown&nbsp;of&nbsp;Beca<br>Lynn&nbsp;award,&nbsp;&nbsp;awarded&nbsp;&nbsp;us&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;none&nbsp;&nbsp;other<br>than&nbsp;THE&nbsp;7-year&nbsp;old&nbsp;Beca&nbsp;Lynn&nbsp;herself.<br><br>Beca,&nbsp;&nbsp;kid,&nbsp;&nbsp;let&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;be&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;to&nbsp;say<br>how&nbsp;much&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;you&nbsp;rule&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;kind&nbsp;and<br>wise&nbsp;&nbsp;fist&nbsp;when&nbsp;you&nbsp;someday&nbsp;gain&nbsp;control<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;planet.&nbsp;&nbsp;Read/watch&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;lot&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>Spiderman&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;meanwhile,&nbsp;with&nbsp;some<br>emphasis&nbsp;on&nbsp;that&nbsp;whole&nbsp;'With&nbsp;great&nbsp;power<br>comes...'&nbsp;business.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;great&nbsp;responsibility,&nbsp;what&nbsp;I<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;know&nbsp;is&nbsp;who&nbsp;stole&nbsp;Ms.&nbsp;Mhurrain's<br>pet&nbsp;&nbsp;chinchilla.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;great&nbsp;fluff&nbsp;caper<br>is&nbsp;ongoing&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Classroom&nbsp;102&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;the<br>Patterson&nbsp;Middle&nbsp;School.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;has<br>a&nbsp;lead&nbsp;on&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Sprinkles'&nbsp;whereabouts,&nbsp;we<br>here&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Times&nbsp;will&nbsp;gladly<br>pass&nbsp;it&nbsp;along.<br><br>Watch&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;falling&nbsp;snow&nbsp;--&nbsp;and&nbsp;snow-<br>balls,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;that&nbsp;matter.&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdy<br>told&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;that&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;group&nbsp;of&nbsp;teenage<br>miscreants&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;it&nbsp;again,&nbsp;&nbsp;this<br>time&nbsp;with&nbsp;food&nbsp;coloring&nbsp;and&nbsp;glitter.&nbsp;Two<br>of&nbsp;our&nbsp;Town&nbsp;Councilors,&nbsp;Emily&nbsp;Watson&nbsp;and<br>Zeke&nbsp;Regan,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;found&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;opening<br>their&nbsp;own&nbsp;front&nbsp;doors&nbsp;resulted&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;snow<br>heap&nbsp;avalanche&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;regrettable&nbsp;glitter<br>infection.<br><br>Mrs.&nbsp;Watson,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;runs&nbsp;the&nbsp;local&nbsp;library<br>for&nbsp;those&nbsp;of&nbsp;you&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;town,&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;very<br>specifically&nbsp;and&nbsp;clearly&nbsp;stated&nbsp;that,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>quote,&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;"wants&nbsp;those&nbsp;responsible&nbsp;for<br>the&nbsp;incidents&nbsp;to&nbsp;come&nbsp;forward&nbsp;and&nbsp;own&nbsp;up<br>to&nbsp;their&nbsp;poor&nbsp;judgement."<br><br>Mr.&nbsp;Regan,&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;hand,&nbsp;&nbsp;sends&nbsp;to<br>offer&nbsp;his&nbsp;congratulations&nbsp;and&nbsp;his&nbsp;admir-<br>ation&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;juvenile&nbsp;culprits,&nbsp;and,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>paraphrase,&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;belief&nbsp;that&nbsp;they&nbsp;should<br>avoid&nbsp;&nbsp;climbing&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;roofs&nbsp;for&nbsp;at<br>least&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;month&nbsp;given&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;&nbsp;luck&nbsp;&nbsp;it<br>must&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;burned&nbsp;not&nbsp;to&nbsp;fall&nbsp;off&nbsp;of&nbsp;his<br>slate&nbsp;tiles&nbsp;and&nbsp;break&nbsp;their&nbsp;necks.
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==January 24, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;&nbsp;are<br>officially&nbsp;three&nbsp;weeks&nbsp;until&nbsp;Valentine's<br>day.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hear&nbsp;that,&nbsp;Jack?&nbsp;&nbsp;Three.<br><br>If&nbsp;you,&nbsp;like&nbsp;the&nbsp;Mayor,&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;difficulty<br>counting&nbsp;to&nbsp;numbers&nbsp;higher&nbsp;than&nbsp;one,&nbsp;you<br>may&nbsp;enjoy&nbsp;the&nbsp;following&nbsp;nugget&nbsp;of&nbsp;wisdom<br>from&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe&nbsp;this&nbsp;week.<br><br>While&nbsp;we&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;heard&nbsp;about&nbsp;our&nbsp;bookish<br>darling&nbsp;in&nbsp;some&nbsp;time,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;HAVE&nbsp;heard&nbsp;all<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;&nbsp;football&nbsp;&nbsp;wunderkind&nbsp;Simon<br>Desrochers.&nbsp;&nbsp;Sadly,&nbsp;&nbsp;while&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;team&nbsp;did<br>not&nbsp;make&nbsp;it&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;Superbowl,&nbsp;his&nbsp;baby<br>brother&nbsp;has&nbsp;now&nbsp;made&nbsp;it&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper!<br><br>See,&nbsp;Derek&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;special&nbsp;boy.&nbsp;So&nbsp;special,<br>he&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;beyond&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;scope&nbsp;of&nbsp;traditional<br>arithmetic,&nbsp;as&nbsp;evidenced&nbsp;by&nbsp;his&nbsp;atypical<br>method&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;paying&nbsp;his&nbsp;bills...&nbsp;&nbsp;Word&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;wise:&nbsp;attempting&nbsp;to&nbsp;pass&nbsp;off&nbsp;a&nbsp;small<br>button&nbsp;&nbsp;mushroom&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;quarter,&nbsp;&nbsp;while&nbsp;a<br>great&nbsp;idea&nbsp;in&nbsp;fairyland,&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;work&nbsp;in<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;real&nbsp;&nbsp;mortal&nbsp;business&nbsp;plan,&nbsp;no&nbsp;matter<br>how&nbsp;long&nbsp;your&nbsp;eyelashes&nbsp;are,&nbsp;or&nbsp;how&nbsp;much<br>practice&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;wielding&nbsp;&nbsp;them<br>against&nbsp;anything&nbsp;with&nbsp;estrogen.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;four-year&nbsp;&nbsp;old&nbsp;earnestly&nbsp;correcting<br>his&nbsp;efforts&nbsp;only&nbsp;added&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;appeal.<br><br>Derek,&nbsp;you're&nbsp;cute.&nbsp;So's&nbsp;your&nbsp;girlfriend<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;say&nbsp;this&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;near-<br>stranger's&nbsp;&nbsp;love:&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;start&nbsp;walking<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;riverbank&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;weeping,&nbsp;I&nbsp;will&nbsp;per-<br>sonally&nbsp;&nbsp;find&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;mama&nbsp;and&nbsp;fill&nbsp;her&nbsp;in<br>on&nbsp;just&nbsp;what&nbsp;it&nbsp;is&nbsp;you&nbsp;did&nbsp;when&nbsp;you&nbsp;were<br>thirteen&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;half.<br><br>Don't&nbsp;you&nbsp;love&nbsp;small&nbsp;towns?
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==January 31, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;brrr,&nbsp;is&nbsp;it<br>just&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;did&nbsp;someone&nbsp;thoroughly&nbsp;piss<br>off&nbsp;Old&nbsp;Man&nbsp;Winter?<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;bright&nbsp;side,&nbsp;&nbsp;no&nbsp;&nbsp;self-respecting<br>animals&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;THIS<br>weather&nbsp;eating&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;the&nbsp;Bread&nbsp;Men&nbsp;buried<br>in&nbsp;the&nbsp;snow&nbsp;out&nbsp;there.<br><br>Plans&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;Day&nbsp;festival<br>are&nbsp;&nbsp;well&nbsp;&nbsp;under&nbsp;way,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;without<br>their&nbsp;own&nbsp;particular&nbsp;drama.&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;I&nbsp;heard<br>from&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;three&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;most&nbsp;&nbsp;fashionable<br>sources&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;committee&nbsp;was&nbsp;actually<br>considering&nbsp;&nbsp;using&nbsp;&nbsp;flowers&nbsp;&nbsp;grown&nbsp;some-<br>where&nbsp;other&nbsp;than&nbsp;the&nbsp;Greengarden&nbsp;for&nbsp;the<br>floral&nbsp;&nbsp;wreaths&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;table&nbsp;decorations.<br>For&nbsp;shame,&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;(and&nbsp;Bill).&nbsp;For&nbsp;shame.<br><br>Bill,&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;known&nbsp;conflict&nbsp;of<br>interest.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;forgive&nbsp;him.&nbsp;&nbsp;Never&nbsp;Martha,<br>unless&nbsp;she&nbsp;agrees&nbsp;to&nbsp;let&nbsp;me&nbsp;add&nbsp;a&nbsp;secret<br>message&nbsp;on&nbsp;those&nbsp;candy&nbsp;hearts.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;which,&nbsp;what&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;think<br>about&nbsp;the&nbsp;Necco&nbsp;news?&nbsp;Terrible&nbsp;business,<br>that,&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;having&nbsp;Sweethearts&nbsp;for&nbsp;V-Day<br>2019.&nbsp;<br><br>What&nbsp;sayings&nbsp;would&nbsp;YOU&nbsp;put&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;hearts<br>if&nbsp;you&nbsp;were&nbsp;the&nbsp;one&nbsp;in&nbsp;charge&nbsp;of&nbsp;writing<br>clever&nbsp;things?<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;asked&nbsp;&nbsp;around&nbsp;the&nbsp;general&nbsp;store,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>here&nbsp;are&nbsp;my&nbsp;personal&nbsp;favorites:<br><br>"MY&nbsp;WAY"&nbsp;-&nbsp;Mindy&nbsp;Mayweather,&nbsp;Age&nbsp;9<br>"SORRY"&nbsp;-&nbsp;George&nbsp;White,&nbsp;Age&nbsp;40mumble<br>"NOW?"&nbsp;-&nbsp;Sara&nbsp;Sinski,&nbsp;Age&nbsp;23<br>"FORGET&nbsp;ME&nbsp;NOT"&nbsp;-&nbsp;Mabel&nbsp;Joyce,&nbsp;Age&nbsp;92<br><br>Mabel,&nbsp;who&nbsp;could&nbsp;possibly&nbsp;forget&nbsp;you?
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==February 07, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;our&nbsp;drought<br>has&nbsp;ended!&nbsp;&nbsp;At&nbsp;&nbsp;last,&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;last,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;have<br>Kip&nbsp;Kensington&nbsp;back&nbsp;in&nbsp;our&nbsp;modest&nbsp;little<br>corner&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper,&nbsp;and&nbsp;my,&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;a&nbsp;way<br>to&nbsp;end&nbsp;up&nbsp;back&nbsp;in&nbsp;print.<br><br>See,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;reliable&nbsp;source&nbsp;informs&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;that<br>our&nbsp;&nbsp;judgement-impaired&nbsp;&nbsp;bookish&nbsp;darling<br>has&nbsp;done&nbsp;it&nbsp;again.&nbsp;If&nbsp;Mina&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;already<br>out&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;life,&nbsp;she's&nbsp;sure&nbsp;to&nbsp;leave&nbsp;him<br>for&nbsp;&nbsp;THIS&nbsp;&nbsp;one:&nbsp;&nbsp;suffice&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;that<br>deeds&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;conjugal&nbsp;nature&nbsp;were&nbsp;reported<br>between&nbsp;&nbsp;him&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;&nbsp;gadget&nbsp;&nbsp;menace<br>'Widget'&nbsp;no-last-name.<br><br>Kip,&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;Kip.<br>I&nbsp;thought&nbsp;better&nbsp;of&nbsp;you.<br><br>Mina,&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;condolences.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;it&nbsp;helps,&nbsp;I'm<br>told,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;certain&nbsp;&nbsp;degree&nbsp;of<br>alcohol&nbsp;was&nbsp;involved&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;incident.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;alcohol-fueled&nbsp;&nbsp;incidents,<br>if&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;spots&nbsp;a&nbsp;bizarre&nbsp;and&nbsp;very&nbsp;naked<br>tree&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;road&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;com-<br>pound,&nbsp;none&nbsp;other&nbsp;than&nbsp;Allen&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;him-<br>self,&nbsp;&nbsp;thoroughly&nbsp;be-rummed&nbsp;and&nbsp;grogged,<br>glittered&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;feathered,&nbsp;&nbsp;attempted&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>perform&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;ritual&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;newly&nbsp;devised&nbsp;and<br>arboreal&nbsp;&nbsp;god.&nbsp;&nbsp;This&nbsp;&nbsp;ritual,&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;am<br>told,&nbsp;&nbsp;largely&nbsp;consisted&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;peeling&nbsp;the<br>bark&nbsp;off&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;deity's&nbsp;foes.<br><br>Naked.<br><br>Allen&nbsp;is&nbsp;currently&nbsp;at&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Hospital<br>and&nbsp;is&nbsp;expected&nbsp;to&nbsp;make&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;full&nbsp;recovery<br>from&nbsp;hypothermia&nbsp;and&nbsp;frostbite&nbsp;to&nbsp;rather<br>personal&nbsp;places.<br><br>I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;his&nbsp;cheeks&nbsp;are&nbsp;as&nbsp;rosy&nbsp;as&nbsp;the&nbsp;new<br>bouquet&nbsp;of&nbsp;flowers&nbsp;on&nbsp;my&nbsp;desk...&nbsp;<br><br>Thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;Jack.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;only&nbsp;they&nbsp;were<br>red&nbsp;instead&nbsp;of&nbsp;sunny&nbsp;yellow.
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==February 14, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;romance&nbsp;&nbsp;is<br>in&nbsp;the&nbsp;air.<br><br>For&nbsp;some&nbsp;people,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;sure&nbsp;they&nbsp;wish&nbsp;they<br>hadn't&nbsp;sniffed&nbsp;the&nbsp;roses...<br><br>Here's&nbsp;to&nbsp;Jonah&nbsp;Mitchelson,&nbsp;who&nbsp;learned,<br>only&nbsp;after&nbsp;filling&nbsp;his&nbsp;house&nbsp;with&nbsp;lovely<br>blossoms,&nbsp;that&nbsp;his&nbsp;affianced&nbsp;was&nbsp;deathly<br>allergic&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;half&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;carefully&nbsp;dis-<br>played&nbsp;arrangements.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kelly,&nbsp;we&nbsp;promise,<br>he&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;trying&nbsp;to&nbsp;kill&nbsp;you.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;swears<br>by&nbsp;&nbsp;"the&nbsp;moon&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;stars&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;sky"<br>that&nbsp;he&nbsp;only&nbsp;wanted&nbsp;to&nbsp;show&nbsp;his&nbsp;love&nbsp;for<br>you,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;paid&nbsp;me&nbsp;$20&nbsp;to&nbsp;not&nbsp;gag&nbsp;on<br>how&nbsp;sappy-sweet&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;top&nbsp;guilty<br>he&nbsp;feels&nbsp;about&nbsp;your&nbsp;anaphylactic&nbsp;shock.<br><br>Here,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;is&nbsp;to&nbsp;Selina&nbsp;Gorr,&nbsp;and&nbsp;to&nbsp;her<br>beloved&nbsp;puppy&nbsp;Chewchew,&nbsp;who&nbsp;with&nbsp;but&nbsp;one<br>adorable&nbsp;woof&nbsp;single-pawedly&nbsp;stopped&nbsp;the<br>traffic&nbsp;on&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street&nbsp;for&nbsp;over&nbsp;ten&nbsp;min-<br>utes&nbsp;&nbsp;while&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Gorr&nbsp;had&nbsp;hysterics&nbsp;over<br>the&nbsp;dog's&nbsp;&nbsp;costume...and&nbsp;&nbsp;how&nbsp;much&nbsp;of&nbsp;it<br>was&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;glue&nbsp;--&nbsp;WET&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;glue,&nbsp;at<br>that,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;thence&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;inside&nbsp;of<br>her&nbsp;Subaru.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;the&nbsp;dog&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;hit&nbsp;at&nbsp;Patterson,<br>though,&nbsp;once&nbsp;the&nbsp;glue&nbsp;had&nbsp;dried.<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Jackson<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;charming&nbsp;&nbsp;wife&nbsp;&nbsp;Inatt,&nbsp;&nbsp;whose<br>re-dedication&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;their&nbsp;marriage&nbsp;will&nbsp;be<br>held&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;day&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;is&nbsp;published.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;I<br>live&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;a&nbsp;hundred&nbsp;and&nbsp;two,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;want&nbsp;to<br>be&nbsp;&nbsp;someone's&nbsp;&nbsp;Inatt.&nbsp;&nbsp;You're&nbsp;&nbsp;adorable,<br>Mr.&nbsp;Jackson,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;wife&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;very<br>lucky&nbsp;woman&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;found&nbsp;you.<br><br>On&nbsp;a&nbsp;different&nbsp;sweet&nbsp;note,&nbsp;get&nbsp;your&nbsp;cart<br>ready&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;mall,&nbsp;fellow&nbsp;chocaholics!<br>Tomorrow,&nbsp;the&nbsp;holiday&nbsp;&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;over,&nbsp;and<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;cheap&nbsp;&nbsp;chocolate&nbsp;&nbsp;sales&nbsp;&nbsp;will&nbsp;&nbsp;have<br>begun!
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==February 21, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>talk&nbsp;about&nbsp;my&nbsp;favorites:&nbsp;love&nbsp;and&nbsp;pain!<br><br>I&nbsp;have&nbsp;to&nbsp;tip&nbsp;my&nbsp;metaphorical&nbsp;cap&nbsp;to&nbsp;Mr.<br>Hamilton,&nbsp;&nbsp;however,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;going&nbsp;above&nbsp;and<br>beyond&nbsp;the&nbsp;call&nbsp;of&nbsp;booty.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;not&nbsp;just<br>any&nbsp;paramour&nbsp;who&nbsp;would&nbsp;climb&nbsp;up&nbsp;onto&nbsp;the<br>icy&nbsp;roof&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;lover's&nbsp;home&nbsp;to&nbsp;retrieve<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;monster&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;Maine&nbsp;Coon,&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;to&nbsp;end<br>up&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;hospital&nbsp;with&nbsp;seven&nbsp;stitches<br>from&nbsp;said&nbsp;beloved&nbsp;feline's&nbsp;claws.<br><br>Gentlemen,&nbsp;your&nbsp;bar&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;set.<br><br>Rebecca&nbsp;Thorpe,&nbsp;&nbsp;now,&nbsp;has&nbsp;something&nbsp;else<br>for&nbsp;us&nbsp;to&nbsp;do&nbsp;with&nbsp;bars...&nbsp;&nbsp;Becca,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;had<br>no&nbsp;idea&nbsp;one&nbsp;woman&nbsp;could&nbsp;&nbsp;pretzel&nbsp;herself<br>into&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;many&nbsp;different&nbsp;variations&nbsp;on&nbsp;a<br>heart.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;only&nbsp;regret&nbsp;that&nbsp;I&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;over<br>at&nbsp;Bill's&nbsp;to&nbsp;see&nbsp;it.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;the&nbsp;bar's&nbsp;Facebook&nbsp;page&nbsp;has&nbsp;the<br>choice&nbsp;&nbsp;picks&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;videos&nbsp;patrons&nbsp;took<br>of&nbsp;the&nbsp;event.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;events,&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you&nbsp;to&nbsp;all&nbsp;and<br>sundry&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;helping&nbsp;make&nbsp;the&nbsp;Warm&nbsp;Hearts<br>Festival&nbsp;a&nbsp;success.&nbsp;Kara&nbsp;asked&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;let<br>you&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;that,&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;entirety&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;festival,&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;raised&nbsp;$3,554&nbsp;for<br>local&nbsp;shelters&nbsp;and&nbsp;charities&nbsp;for&nbsp;kids&nbsp;at<br>Riverside&nbsp;Hospital.<br><br>Reliable&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;rumor-generator&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Haruki&nbsp;&nbsp;was<br>noted&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;frequent&nbsp;volunteer,&nbsp;&nbsp;wearing<br>heart&nbsp;deely-boppers&nbsp;and&nbsp;feathered&nbsp;wings,<br>while&nbsp;teaching&nbsp;origami&nbsp;and&nbsp;infecting&nbsp;the<br>world&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;glitter.&nbsp;&nbsp;As&nbsp;&nbsp;several&nbsp;people<br>have&nbsp;told&nbsp;me,&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;sadly&nbsp;bemoaning&nbsp;his<br>single&nbsp;&nbsp;state,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;you&nbsp;want&nbsp;a&nbsp;little<br>Japanese&nbsp;magic,&nbsp;&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;sounds&nbsp;like&nbsp;he's<br>available!<br><br>Now&nbsp;for&nbsp;some&nbsp;fun!&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;tweets<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;'80s&nbsp;&nbsp;Karaoke&nbsp;Night&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;at<br>Alchemy&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;THE&nbsp;place&nbsp;to&nbsp;be,&nbsp;including<br>such&nbsp;highlights&nbsp;as:<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Haruki&nbsp;and&nbsp;Itsuki&nbsp;(magicians)&nbsp;dressed<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;characters&nbsp;from&nbsp;Cats&nbsp;(the&nbsp;musical)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Damion&nbsp;King&nbsp;(boxer,&nbsp;gym&nbsp;owner)&nbsp;&nbsp;sing-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ing&nbsp;"Eye&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;Tiger"&nbsp;by&nbsp;Survivor<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Widget&nbsp;(aforementioned&nbsp;gadget&nbsp;menace)<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;singing&nbsp;"Sweet&nbsp;Child&nbsp;of&nbsp;Mine"&nbsp;by&nbsp;Guns<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;N'&nbsp;Roses<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Zillah&nbsp;Grimes&nbsp;(of&nbsp;tea&nbsp;shop&nbsp;fame)&nbsp;with<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Depeche&nbsp;&nbsp;Mode's&nbsp;&nbsp;"Behind&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Wheel"<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Poppy&nbsp;Devereux&nbsp;as&nbsp;Joan&nbsp;Jett<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Carter&nbsp;Logan&nbsp;(THE&nbsp;Carter&nbsp;Logan)&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Motörhead's&nbsp;&nbsp;"Orgasmatron"&nbsp;who,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;am<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;told,&nbsp;quite&nbsp;stole&nbsp;the&nbsp;show.<br><br>Gotta&nbsp;&nbsp;say,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;wants&nbsp;lessons&nbsp;in<br>anything&nbsp;musical,&nbsp;this&nbsp;area's&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;one<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;live&nbsp;&nbsp;in,&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;many&nbsp;performers&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;we<br>have&nbsp;around&nbsp;here.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;not&nbsp;complaining!
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==February 28, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;believe&nbsp;&nbsp;it<br>or&nbsp;not,&nbsp;&nbsp;we're&nbsp;getting&nbsp;closer&nbsp;to&nbsp;Spring.<br>Trust&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;the&nbsp;gardening&nbsp;catalogs<br>to&nbsp;prove&nbsp;it.&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;how&nbsp;much&nbsp;money<br>THEY&nbsp;&nbsp;think&nbsp;I&nbsp;earn&nbsp;writing&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;column,<br>but&nbsp;it's&nbsp;sure&nbsp;not&nbsp;enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;buy&nbsp;the&nbsp;bulb<br>collections&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been&nbsp;drooling&nbsp;over!<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;only&nbsp;they'd&nbsp;invent&nbsp;a&nbsp;cold-hardy<br>ixia...<br><br>Still,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;you&nbsp;who&nbsp;want&nbsp;your<br>floral&nbsp;fix,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;the&nbsp;greenhouses&nbsp;up<br>at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Greengarden&nbsp;Nursery&nbsp;&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;open<br>to&nbsp;the&nbsp;public&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;of&nbsp;March&nbsp;1st.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;be<br>there,&nbsp;dreaming&nbsp;of&nbsp;being&nbsp;young&nbsp;again&nbsp;and<br>capable&nbsp;of&nbsp;kneeling&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;dirt&nbsp;for&nbsp;hour<br>upon&nbsp;hour&nbsp;without&nbsp;creaky&nbsp;knees...<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;am&nbsp;&nbsp;glad&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;that&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;not&nbsp;the&nbsp;only<br>one&nbsp;getting&nbsp;old&nbsp;in&nbsp;this&nbsp;town,&nbsp;as&nbsp;Charlie<br>can&nbsp;attest.&nbsp;&nbsp;Or&nbsp;can&nbsp;he?&nbsp;&nbsp;Char,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;know<br>I&nbsp;love&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;price&nbsp;you<br>pay&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;coming&nbsp;over&nbsp;every&nbsp;Tuesday&nbsp;night<br>and&nbsp;slurping&nbsp;up&nbsp;my&nbsp;noodles.<br><br>See,&nbsp;&nbsp;Charlie&nbsp;here&nbsp;swears&nbsp;up&nbsp;and&nbsp;down&nbsp;he<br>never&nbsp;&nbsp;forgets&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;thing.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;a&nbsp;mind<br>like&nbsp;a&nbsp;steel&nbsp;trap,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;like&nbsp;an&nbsp;elephant,<br>or&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;the&nbsp;Prototype&nbsp;Series&nbsp;1000&nbsp;Term-<br>inator,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;hopefully&nbsp;with&nbsp;less&nbsp;melting<br>in&nbsp;a&nbsp;vat&nbsp;of&nbsp;molten&nbsp;who&nbsp;knows&nbsp;what.<br><br>Far&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;from&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;call&nbsp;out&nbsp;a&nbsp;friend<br>in&nbsp;a&nbsp;paper&nbsp;read&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;thousands&nbsp;of&nbsp;people<br>across&nbsp;&nbsp;multiple&nbsp;&nbsp;cities,&nbsp;but&nbsp;burning&nbsp;my<br>family-famous&nbsp;lasagna,&nbsp;my&nbsp;pot&nbsp;holder,&nbsp;my<br>kitchen&nbsp;curtains&nbsp;and&nbsp;half&nbsp;of&nbsp;my&nbsp;freshly-<br>painted,&nbsp;brand&nbsp;new&nbsp;kitchen&nbsp;cabinets&nbsp;to&nbsp;a<br>black&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;stinky&nbsp;&nbsp;crisp&nbsp;deserves&nbsp;&nbsp;some<br>public&nbsp;laughter.&nbsp;&nbsp;Folks,&nbsp;don't&nbsp;you&nbsp;worry<br>about&nbsp;me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Or&nbsp;Char.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;redeemed&nbsp;himself<br>by&nbsp;&nbsp;calling&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;firefighters,&nbsp;and&nbsp;by<br>baking&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;consolation&nbsp;pie&nbsp;with&nbsp;extra<br>apology&nbsp;strawberries&nbsp;on&nbsp;it.<br><br>Moral&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;story:&nbsp;friends&nbsp;are&nbsp;the&nbsp;ones<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;trust&nbsp;to&nbsp;burn&nbsp;your&nbsp;house&nbsp;down,<br>and&nbsp;they&nbsp;smell&nbsp;better&nbsp;than&nbsp;an&nbsp;elephant.<br>Really,&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;name&nbsp;like&nbsp;'Char'&nbsp;I&nbsp;should<br>have&nbsp;known&nbsp;better...
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==March 07, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;&nbsp;time<br>to&nbsp;start&nbsp;dreaming&nbsp;of&nbsp;Spring!&nbsp;&nbsp;Mind&nbsp;&nbsp;you,<br>that's&nbsp;dreaming&nbsp;of&nbsp;it,&nbsp;not&nbsp;actually&nbsp;see-<br>ing&nbsp;it&nbsp;any&nbsp;time&nbsp;soon.<br><br>I&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;dream.&nbsp;&nbsp;It&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;simple&nbsp;one,&nbsp;and<br>inexpensive.&nbsp;&nbsp;See,&nbsp;it&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;cost&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot<br>of&nbsp;money&nbsp;for&nbsp;young&nbsp;men&nbsp;to&nbsp;slow&nbsp;down&nbsp;when<br>driving&nbsp;motorbikes&nbsp;down&nbsp;muddy&nbsp;dirt&nbsp;roads<br>with&nbsp;lines&nbsp;of&nbsp;hikers&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;verge.&nbsp;&nbsp;Jake<br>Nielssen,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;hope&nbsp;you&nbsp;enjoyed&nbsp;your&nbsp;trip<br>up&nbsp;Salvation.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Sally&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;eighth<br>grade&nbsp;&nbsp;class&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Patterson&nbsp;Middle&nbsp;School<br>would&nbsp;have&nbsp;enjoyed&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;field&nbsp;&nbsp;trip&nbsp;a&nbsp;<br>whole&nbsp;&nbsp;lot&nbsp;more&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;they&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;covered&nbsp;<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;frigid&nbsp;&nbsp;slimy&nbsp;muck&nbsp;for&nbsp;half&nbsp;the&nbsp;walk&nbsp;<br>up&nbsp;the&nbsp;mountain.<br><br>On&nbsp;a&nbsp;happier&nbsp;note,&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;Elizabeth,<br>for&nbsp;showing&nbsp;us&nbsp;your&nbsp;rock.&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;you&nbsp;see<br>only&nbsp;the&nbsp;best&nbsp;through&nbsp;the&nbsp;hole&nbsp;in&nbsp;it.<br><br>I&nbsp;used&nbsp;to&nbsp;collect&nbsp;pebbles,&nbsp;myself,&nbsp;&nbsp;from<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;banks&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;River&nbsp;&nbsp;Tam.&nbsp;&nbsp;White<br>quartz&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;favorite,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;anything&nbsp;<br>with&nbsp;stripes.&nbsp;&nbsp;Maggie&nbsp;Whinsom&nbsp;could&nbsp;have<br>used&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;bit&nbsp;more&nbsp;'stripe'&nbsp;herself,&nbsp;from<br>what&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mags,&nbsp;doing&nbsp;a&nbsp;polar&nbsp;dip&nbsp;is<br>one&nbsp;&nbsp;thing,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;doing&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;polar&nbsp;/bare/<br>instead&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;polar&nbsp;/bear/&nbsp;is&nbsp;something<br>else...&nbsp;<br><br>Look&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;bright&nbsp;side.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;sure&nbsp;&nbsp;got<br>Captain&nbsp;Kenny's&nbsp;attention.&nbsp;&nbsp;Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>which,&nbsp;welcome&nbsp;home,&nbsp;soldier.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just&nbsp;wish<br>it&nbsp;&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;happen&nbsp;&nbsp;under&nbsp;these<br>circumstances.&nbsp;&nbsp;My&nbsp;&nbsp;condolences&nbsp;for&nbsp;your<br>pa.
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==March 14, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;let's&nbsp;&nbsp;get<br>our&nbsp;green&nbsp;on!&nbsp;&nbsp;Saint&nbsp;Patrick's&nbsp;Day&nbsp;is&nbsp;a-<br>coming,&nbsp;and&nbsp;we&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;what&nbsp;that&nbsp;means:<br>beer!<br><br>That's&nbsp;right.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;amount&nbsp;of&nbsp;food&nbsp;colour<br>we're&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;drinking&nbsp;over&nbsp;the<br>next&nbsp;week&nbsp;is&nbsp;obscene,&nbsp;but&nbsp;it&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;oh,<br>so&nbsp;&nbsp;good.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;bribed&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;'I<br>Feel&nbsp;Hoppy'&nbsp;microbrewery&nbsp;to&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;about<br>how&nbsp;&nbsp;delicious&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;are,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;to<br>admit,&nbsp;&nbsp;while&nbsp;their&nbsp;beers&nbsp;are&nbsp;good&nbsp;for&nbsp;a<br>beer,&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;&nbsp;ale,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;tasty<br>chocolate&nbsp;bonbon&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;glass&nbsp;of&nbsp;wine&nbsp;kind<br>of&nbsp;girl.<br><br>Sorry,&nbsp;Junior.&nbsp;&nbsp;Old&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;way<br>back.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;owe&nbsp;him&nbsp;$20&nbsp;for&nbsp;that&nbsp;one.&nbsp;&nbsp;He<br>bet&nbsp;&nbsp;you'd&nbsp;&nbsp;bring&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;the&nbsp;wrong&nbsp;bonbons,<br>and&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;right.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;beer,&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;tells<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;&nbsp;blue-haired&nbsp;somebody<br>was&nbsp;seen&nbsp;walking&nbsp;&nbsp;along&nbsp;the&nbsp;banks&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>Tam&nbsp;late&nbsp;&nbsp;last&nbsp;&nbsp;night,&nbsp;&nbsp;singing&nbsp;&nbsp;drunken<br>pirate&nbsp;ballads&nbsp;and&nbsp;strumming&nbsp;a&nbsp;guitar.&nbsp;I<br>am&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;kind&nbsp;&nbsp;woman,&nbsp;and&nbsp;won't&nbsp;name&nbsp;names,<br>but&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;know&nbsp;who&nbsp;you&nbsp;are.&nbsp;&nbsp;So&nbsp;does&nbsp;half<br>of&nbsp;YouTube&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;point.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Your&nbsp;cousin&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;so&nbsp;kind.<br><br>My&nbsp;&nbsp;editor&nbsp;&nbsp;promises&nbsp;he'll&nbsp;make&nbsp;it&nbsp;up&nbsp;to<br>you&nbsp;another&nbsp;time,&nbsp;&nbsp;readers,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;a<br>smaller&nbsp;&nbsp;word&nbsp;limit&nbsp;than&nbsp;usual&nbsp;thanks&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;news&nbsp;segment.&nbsp;&nbsp;Check&nbsp;Channel&nbsp;10&nbsp;for&nbsp;<br>more&nbsp;details.
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==March 21, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>strange&nbsp;one,&nbsp;folks.&nbsp;&nbsp;While&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;under-<br>stand&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;urge&nbsp;to&nbsp;acquire&nbsp;sweet&nbsp;things,<br>being&nbsp;a&nbsp;reasonable&nbsp;human&nbsp;being,&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;not<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;lumber&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;Sweet&nbsp;Treats,<br>commandeer&nbsp;four&nbsp;gallon&nbsp;tubs&nbsp;of&nbsp;caterer's<br>honey,&nbsp;&nbsp;intimidate&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;duty&nbsp;manager&nbsp;and<br>knock&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;jars&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;preserves&nbsp;on&nbsp;my&nbsp;way<br>out.<br><br>If&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;&nbsp;sees&nbsp;a&nbsp;very&nbsp;sticky&nbsp;one-armed<br>woman&nbsp;around,&nbsp;keep&nbsp;your&nbsp;honey&nbsp;close,&nbsp;and<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;telephone&nbsp;&nbsp;number&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;local&nbsp;cops<br>closer.<br><br>That&nbsp;&nbsp;said:&nbsp;&nbsp;we've&nbsp;been&nbsp;waiting&nbsp;for&nbsp;what<br>seems&nbsp;like&nbsp;forever,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;is&nbsp;finally,<br>blessedly,&nbsp;SPRING!<br><br>Ignore&nbsp;the&nbsp;snow.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just&nbsp;&nbsp;pretend&nbsp;it&nbsp;isn't<br>there.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;paper&nbsp;&nbsp;flowers&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>windows&nbsp;&nbsp;thanks&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;copy-editor's<br>niece&nbsp;Janine,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;turn&nbsp;on<br>all&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;lights,&nbsp;&nbsp;spray&nbsp;some&nbsp;Glade&nbsp;air<br>freshener,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;pretend&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;sunny<br>garden.<br><br>Soon.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Soon,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;&nbsp;Evelyn&nbsp;&nbsp;Miller<br>Memorial&nbsp;Gardens&nbsp;&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;greening,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;stop&nbsp;giving&nbsp;myself&nbsp;perfume&nbsp;head-<br>aches.<br><br>Randall&nbsp;&nbsp;knows&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;those,&nbsp;&nbsp;now,<br>doesn't&nbsp;he?&nbsp;&nbsp;Kid,&nbsp;&nbsp;word&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;wise:&nbsp;&nbsp;if<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;dress&nbsp;up&nbsp;like&nbsp;your&nbsp;mom,&nbsp;try<br>waiting&nbsp;to&nbsp;use&nbsp;the&nbsp;perfume&nbsp;until&nbsp;you&nbsp;can<br>ask&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;ones&nbsp;cost&nbsp;more&nbsp;than&nbsp;your<br>entire&nbsp;Summer&nbsp;allowance&nbsp;mowing&nbsp;lawns.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>love&nbsp;the&nbsp;polka&nbsp;dots&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;flip-flops,<br>however,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;your&nbsp;talent&nbsp;at&nbsp;doing&nbsp;brows<br>by&nbsp;&nbsp;far&nbsp;exceeds&nbsp;my&nbsp;own.&nbsp;&nbsp;Talk&nbsp;to&nbsp;Lou&nbsp;and<br>Bang&nbsp;Bang&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;Crops&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bobbers&nbsp;some<br>time.&nbsp;&nbsp;You're&nbsp;&nbsp;almost&nbsp;old&nbsp;enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;a<br>part-timer,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;they'd&nbsp;be&nbsp;lucky&nbsp;to&nbsp;have<br>you.
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==March 28, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;must&nbsp;put<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;particular&nbsp;&nbsp;set&nbsp;of&nbsp;rumors&nbsp;to&nbsp;bed,&nbsp;and<br>they&nbsp;are&nbsp;not,&nbsp;alas,&nbsp;going&nbsp;in&nbsp;mine.<br><br>No,&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;readers,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;not&nbsp;dating<br>our&nbsp;inestimable&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Kensington.&nbsp;He&nbsp;is&nbsp;an<br>adorable&nbsp;disaster,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;far&nbsp;prefer&nbsp;to<br>write&nbsp;about&nbsp;those&nbsp;than&nbsp;live&nbsp;them.<br><br>Just&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;IS&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;dating,&nbsp;these&nbsp;days,&nbsp;we<br>wonder?<br><br>Kip&nbsp;&nbsp;aside,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;there's&nbsp;more&nbsp;than&nbsp;a<br>bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;romance&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;air&nbsp;for&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Lewis<br>and&nbsp;former&nbsp;high&nbsp;school&nbsp;beauty&nbsp;queen&nbsp;Miss<br>Rosario.&nbsp;&nbsp;When&nbsp;I&nbsp;hit&nbsp;sixty,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;a&nbsp;man<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;still&nbsp;&nbsp;willing&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;serenade&nbsp;me&nbsp;on&nbsp;a<br>banjo&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;middle&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;street,&nbsp;John.<br>Lira's&nbsp;a&nbsp;lucky&nbsp;woman.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;feline&nbsp;romance<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;air&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;well...&nbsp;Some&nbsp;kitty-cat<br>Lothario&nbsp;out&nbsp;there&nbsp;is&nbsp;serenading,&nbsp;and&nbsp;by<br>serenade&nbsp;we&nbsp;mean&nbsp;&nbsp;yowling&nbsp;at,&nbsp;&nbsp;lady&nbsp;cats<br>all&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street&nbsp;the&nbsp;past&nbsp;week,&nbsp;but<br>despite&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;best&nbsp;efforts,&nbsp;&nbsp;volunteer<br>cat&nbsp;&nbsp;controllers&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;yet&nbsp;to&nbsp;locate&nbsp;the<br>amorous&nbsp;animal.<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;this&nbsp;week&nbsp;marks&nbsp;the<br>twentieth&nbsp;&nbsp;anniversary&nbsp;of&nbsp;badgering&nbsp;our<br>beloved&nbsp;&nbsp;Mayor,&nbsp;&nbsp;Jacques&nbsp;Bonheur,&nbsp;&nbsp;into<br>becoming&nbsp;our&nbsp;Mayor&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;place.<br>Here's&nbsp;to&nbsp;you,&nbsp;Jack.
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==April 04, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;SOMEone&nbsp;has<br>sure&nbsp;been&nbsp;busy&nbsp;out&nbsp;there&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;forests.<br>Hikers&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;tour&nbsp;&nbsp;groups&nbsp;are&nbsp;a-twitter<br>over&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;weird&nbsp;art&nbsp;popping&nbsp;up&nbsp;along&nbsp;the<br>trails.&nbsp;&nbsp;Someone's&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;taking&nbsp;inspir-<br>ation&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;Alebrijes,&nbsp;in&nbsp;my&nbsp;opinion,<br>and&nbsp;if&nbsp;not,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;know&nbsp;what&nbsp;they<br>were&nbsp;&nbsp;smoking,&nbsp;&nbsp;because&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;mind&nbsp;&nbsp;that<br>made&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;many&nbsp;bizarre&nbsp;rainbows&nbsp;must&nbsp;be<br>quite&nbsp;the&nbsp;place&nbsp;to&nbsp;be.<br><br>For&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;us&nbsp;&nbsp;eagerly&nbsp;awaiting&nbsp;the<br>first&nbsp;&nbsp;hints&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;green&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;mountain-<br>sides,&nbsp;we're&nbsp;in&nbsp;luck.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;weather&nbsp;guys<br>say&nbsp;&nbsp;we're&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;string&nbsp;of&nbsp;warmer<br>days&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;nights,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;Frozen&nbsp;Bread<br>Guy&nbsp;contest&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;finally&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;date&nbsp;for<br>checking&nbsp;out&nbsp;the&nbsp;winners!&nbsp;&nbsp;Just&nbsp;don't&nbsp;go<br>eating&nbsp;any.&nbsp;You&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;which&nbsp;critter<br>peed&nbsp;on&nbsp;that...<br><br>The&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Evelyn&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;Memorial<br>Gardens&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;asked&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;let&nbsp;you&nbsp;all<br>know&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;are&nbsp;paying&nbsp;attention&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;distribution&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;illegally&nbsp;deposited<br>cigarette&nbsp;butts&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;benches,&nbsp;and&nbsp;will<br>let&nbsp;us&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;if&nbsp;butt-augury&nbsp;becomes&nbsp;a<br>valid&nbsp;method&nbsp;of&nbsp;predicting&nbsp;the&nbsp;future.<br><br>Yes.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;typed&nbsp;that&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;paper.&nbsp;Some&nbsp;days<br>I&nbsp;really&nbsp;love&nbsp;my&nbsp;job.
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==April 11, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a<br>delightful&nbsp;&nbsp;influx&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;tourists&nbsp;to&nbsp;thank<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;success&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;April&nbsp;Fling.&nbsp;Mrs.<br>Ethel&nbsp;Maine-Cordenstone&nbsp;and&nbsp;Miss&nbsp;Susanne<br>Rosario-Ramirez&nbsp;literally&nbsp;took&nbsp;the&nbsp;cake,<br>this&nbsp;year,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;may&nbsp;their&nbsp;arguments&nbsp;ever<br>end&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;both&nbsp;parties&nbsp;sweetened&nbsp;by<br>dessert.&nbsp;<br><br>I'm&nbsp;sure&nbsp;the&nbsp;dry&nbsp;cleaner&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;able&nbsp;to<br>get&nbsp;most&nbsp;of&nbsp;that&nbsp;out.<br><br>On&nbsp;a&nbsp;different&nbsp;note,&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;sounds&nbsp;like&nbsp;our<br>very&nbsp;&nbsp;own&nbsp;Kidd&nbsp;Starr&nbsp;has&nbsp;'starred'&nbsp;&nbsp;(I'm<br>sure&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;joke&nbsp;will&nbsp;never&nbsp;get&nbsp;old,&nbsp;Kidd)<br>in&nbsp;his&nbsp;last&nbsp;internship,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;is&nbsp;ready&nbsp;for<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;congregation&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;own.&nbsp;&nbsp;Reverend<br>Starr,&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;age&nbsp;like&nbsp;a&nbsp;fine&nbsp;wine&nbsp;and<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;wisdom&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;repeat&nbsp;&nbsp;past<br>mistakes.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;forgive&nbsp;you&nbsp;for&nbsp;my&nbsp;tulips.<br><br>Mostly.<br><br>Your&nbsp;friend&nbsp;Robert,&nbsp;however...<br><br>Bobby&nbsp;&nbsp;Whittlepin,&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;mama&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;be<br>rolling&nbsp;in&nbsp;her&nbsp;grave&nbsp;if&nbsp;she&nbsp;knew&nbsp;you&nbsp;were<br>the&nbsp;one&nbsp;responsible&nbsp;for&nbsp;getting&nbsp;coffee&nbsp;on<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;school's&nbsp;&nbsp;piano.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;thing<br>for&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;nobody&nbsp;delivers&nbsp;this&nbsp;column<br>to&nbsp;the&nbsp;local&nbsp;cemetery&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;ghosts.
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==April 18, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;SOMEone&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;ordering&nbsp;seeds<br>galore.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;world&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;anyone<br>want&nbsp;with&nbsp;that&nbsp;much&nbsp;mustard?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;wouldn't<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;known&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;it&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;loose<br>packaging.&nbsp;&nbsp;Boxes&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;these&nbsp;&nbsp;days.&nbsp;&nbsp;What's<br>with&nbsp;&nbsp;having&nbsp;the&nbsp;delivery&nbsp;guy&nbsp;leave&nbsp;them<br>on&nbsp;the&nbsp;side&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;road&nbsp;in,&nbsp;too?<br><br>Seems&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;newcomer&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;all&nbsp;sorts<br>of&nbsp;odd&nbsp;things,&nbsp;but&nbsp;beyond&nbsp;that&nbsp;they&nbsp;tend<br>to&nbsp;involve&nbsp;&nbsp;animals,&nbsp;I&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;been&nbsp;told<br>yet.&nbsp;&nbsp;Stay&nbsp;tuned,&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;for&nbsp;next&nbsp;week's<br>edition.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of...<br><br>Next&nbsp;&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;official&nbsp;Frozen&nbsp;Bread<br>Guy&nbsp;celebration,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I've&nbsp;got&nbsp;my&nbsp;eye&nbsp;on<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;few&nbsp;&nbsp;potential&nbsp;winners.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;let&nbsp;you<br>know&nbsp;&nbsp;next&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;guesses&nbsp;&nbsp;were<br>correct!&nbsp;&nbsp;Mary-Sue,&nbsp;you&nbsp;already&nbsp;know,&nbsp;so<br>hush&nbsp;that&nbsp;mouth&nbsp;or&nbsp;I&nbsp;won't&nbsp;share&nbsp;my&nbsp;bon-<br>bons.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;WILL&nbsp;&nbsp;share&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;of<br>our&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;&nbsp;rebellious&nbsp;&nbsp;youths&nbsp;&nbsp;chatting<br>about&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;new&nbsp;gang&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;city.&nbsp;Something<br>with&nbsp;&nbsp;fire&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;snowflakes,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;marks<br>painted&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;improbable&nbsp;places.&nbsp;&nbsp;How&nbsp;they<br>got&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;bottom&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Stagbridge&nbsp;&nbsp;is<br>beyond&nbsp;&nbsp;me.&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;much&nbsp;gang-<br>related&nbsp;&nbsp;violence&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;dog's<br>age,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;like&nbsp;to&nbsp;keep&nbsp;it&nbsp;that&nbsp;way.<br><br>Fort&nbsp;&nbsp;Brunsett&nbsp;&nbsp;police&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;cautioning<br>folks&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;keep&nbsp;an&nbsp;eye&nbsp;out&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;artist<br>responsible&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;graffiti&nbsp;involved.<br>Please&nbsp;report&nbsp;to&nbsp;them,&nbsp;not&nbsp;me,&nbsp;though&nbsp;if<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;wanted&nbsp;to&nbsp;share&nbsp;anything&nbsp;especially<br>juicy,&nbsp;I&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;say&nbsp;no...
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==April 25, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>tell&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;misjudged&nbsp;my<br>raisins.<br><br>That's&nbsp;&nbsp;right.&nbsp;&nbsp;My&nbsp;&nbsp;guess&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;Bread<br>Guy&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;completely&nbsp;&nbsp;wrong.&nbsp;&nbsp;Itsuki,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>am&nbsp;&nbsp;sorry&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;doubted&nbsp;your&nbsp;ability<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;bake&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;man-sized&nbsp;&nbsp;loaf&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;not<br>even&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;deer&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;molest<br>over&nbsp;the&nbsp;winter.<br><br>Clearly,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;bar&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;set&nbsp;for&nbsp;next&nbsp;year<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;recipes&nbsp;for&nbsp;THAT&nbsp;season.&nbsp;&nbsp;Who'd<br>have&nbsp;thought&nbsp;baking&nbsp;inedible&nbsp;bread&nbsp;would<br>be&nbsp;a&nbsp;GOOD&nbsp;thing?<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;source&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;odd&nbsp;&nbsp;animal-based<br>rumors&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;located:&nbsp;a&nbsp;tall,&nbsp;&nbsp;dark<br>skinned&nbsp;&nbsp;man&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;responsible&nbsp;for<br>two&nbsp;&nbsp;traffic&nbsp;jams&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;whole&nbsp;flock&nbsp;of<br>Instagram&nbsp;&nbsp;posts&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;past&nbsp;couple<br>of&nbsp;weeks,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;reasons&nbsp;why:<br><br>1.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;ministers&nbsp;to&nbsp;dog&nbsp;congregations&nbsp;in<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;park&nbsp;to&nbsp;reassure&nbsp;them&nbsp;that&nbsp;they<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;all&nbsp;good&nbsp;boys&nbsp;and&nbsp;girls.<br>2.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;&nbsp;lets&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;dogs&nbsp;&nbsp;pretend&nbsp;to&nbsp;be<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;parrots&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;shoulders&nbsp;while&nbsp;he<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sings&nbsp;lullabies&nbsp;to&nbsp;feeding&nbsp;ducks.<br>3.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;&nbsp;catches&nbsp;&nbsp;fish&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;to&nbsp;teach&nbsp;the<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;scaly&nbsp;&nbsp;things&nbsp;&nbsp;tips&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;tricks&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;avoid&nbsp;being&nbsp;caught&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;future.<br>4.&nbsp;&nbsp;As&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;photos&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;internet&nbsp;can<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;already&nbsp;attest,&nbsp;he&nbsp;eats&nbsp;picnics&nbsp;with<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;bears...<br><br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;also&nbsp;went&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;Four<br>Hills&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;search&nbsp;&nbsp;of,&nbsp;&nbsp;no&nbsp;&nbsp;joke,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;bat<br>named&nbsp;Eustace&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;help&nbsp;it&nbsp;find&nbsp;its&nbsp;farm.<br>I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;funny<br>farm&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;where&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;leaning&nbsp;&nbsp;toward<br>at&nbsp;that&nbsp;point.<br><br>If&nbsp;anybody&nbsp;knows&nbsp;the&nbsp;guy,&nbsp;&nbsp;point&nbsp;&nbsp;him&nbsp;my<br>way.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;got&nbsp;some&nbsp;groundhogs&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;could<br>talk&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;my&nbsp;tulips.
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==May 02, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;our&nbsp;beloved<br>local&nbsp;loonies&nbsp;have&nbsp;done&nbsp;it&nbsp;again.&nbsp;By&nbsp;all<br>I&nbsp;saw&nbsp;across&nbsp;the&nbsp;river,&nbsp;the&nbsp;Lefevre&nbsp;fam-<br>ily's&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Beltane&nbsp;&nbsp;celebrations&nbsp;&nbsp;yesterday<br>were&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;enthusiastic&nbsp;and&nbsp;prone&nbsp;to&nbsp;ineb-<br>riation&nbsp;as&nbsp;always.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;real&nbsp;&nbsp;question&nbsp;for&nbsp;me&nbsp;is&nbsp;this:&nbsp;&nbsp;was<br>the&nbsp;booze&nbsp;strong&nbsp;enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;Cam&nbsp;up&nbsp;on<br>a&nbsp;stump&nbsp;somewhere&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;play&nbsp;for&nbsp;us?&nbsp;&nbsp;Kid,<br>you&nbsp;had&nbsp;so&nbsp;much&nbsp;potential.&nbsp;It's&nbsp;a&nbsp;crying<br>shame&nbsp;to&nbsp;hide&nbsp;that&nbsp;light&nbsp;under&nbsp;a&nbsp;padlock<br>and&nbsp;a&nbsp;three-factor&nbsp;authentication&nbsp;system<br>so&nbsp;complex&nbsp;that&nbsp;even&nbsp;you&nbsp;can't&nbsp;figure&nbsp;it<br>all&nbsp;out.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;mysteries,&nbsp;&nbsp;try&nbsp;this&nbsp;one&nbsp;on<br>for&nbsp;size:&nbsp;&nbsp;between&nbsp;the&nbsp;hours&nbsp;of&nbsp;2:00PM&nbsp;&<br>4:00PM,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;swarm&nbsp;of&nbsp;spiders&nbsp;invaded&nbsp;the<br>Lethbridge&nbsp;Library.&nbsp;Creepy&nbsp;much?&nbsp;&nbsp;No&nbsp;one<br>has&nbsp;noticed&nbsp;anything&nbsp;else&nbsp;amiss,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;no<br>one&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;quite&nbsp;&nbsp;sure&nbsp;&nbsp;how,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;why,&nbsp;they<br>swarmed&nbsp;like&nbsp;that.<br><br>On&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;similar&nbsp;note,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of<br>folks&nbsp;&nbsp;discussing&nbsp;extra&nbsp;rats&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;town<br>lately.&nbsp;&nbsp;Five&nbsp;&nbsp;people&nbsp;&nbsp;reported&nbsp;&nbsp;finding<br>the&nbsp;furry&nbsp;buggers&nbsp;sitting&nbsp;outside&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>windowsill&nbsp;&nbsp;until&nbsp;shooed&nbsp;off,&nbsp;and&nbsp;that's<br>just&nbsp;the&nbsp;ones&nbsp;willing&nbsp;to&nbsp;come&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;cup<br>of&nbsp;coffee&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;chat.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;guesses&nbsp;as&nbsp;to&nbsp;who&nbsp;the&nbsp;insti-<br>gator&nbsp;was,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;that&nbsp;Rainbow&nbsp;Brite&nbsp;look-<br>a-like&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;runs&nbsp;the&nbsp;Rising&nbsp;Sun&nbsp;Tourneys<br>should&nbsp;&nbsp;watch&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;--&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;that&nbsp;a<br>strange&nbsp;man&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;dog&nbsp;were&nbsp;out&nbsp;there&nbsp;at<br>the&nbsp;stables&nbsp;after&nbsp;business&nbsp;hours,&nbsp;&nbsp;talk-<br>ing&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;horses&nbsp;about&nbsp;revolting.&nbsp;&nbsp;My<br>friend's&nbsp;friend&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;he&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;the<br>luck&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;wanted,&nbsp;&nbsp;though,&nbsp;&nbsp;since&nbsp;all&nbsp;the<br>horses&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;still&nbsp;snug&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;bug&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;rug<br>out&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;stable.
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==May 09, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;Haruki,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>promise&nbsp;it&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;me&nbsp;this&nbsp;time.&nbsp;We've&nbsp;had<br>reports&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;rabbity&nbsp;&nbsp;garden&nbsp;&nbsp;pests&nbsp;going<br>missing&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;&nbsp;oddly&nbsp;rapid&nbsp;rate,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;no<br>one's&nbsp;&nbsp;quite&nbsp;sure&nbsp;why.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;anybody&nbsp;sees&nbsp;a<br>very&nbsp;fat-looking&nbsp;flock&nbsp;of&nbsp;hawks&nbsp;or&nbsp;eagles<br>out&nbsp;there&nbsp;somewhere,&nbsp;let&nbsp;us&nbsp;know!<br><br>Otters&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;the&nbsp;draw&nbsp;lately,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the<br>tourism&nbsp;committee&nbsp;is&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;ball.&nbsp;In&nbsp;case<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;seen&nbsp;them&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;can&nbsp;buy<br>your&nbsp;very&nbsp;own&nbsp;'You&nbsp;Otter&nbsp;Come&nbsp;Back&nbsp;to&nbsp;TF'<br>t-shirts.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mindy,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;otter&nbsp;is<br>supposed&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;look&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;&nbsp;having&nbsp;fun,&nbsp;<br>but&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;to&nbsp;say,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;bottle&nbsp;in&nbsp;its<br>hand&nbsp;needs&nbsp;a&nbsp;much&nbsp;clearer&nbsp;label...&nbsp;&nbsp;Is&nbsp;it<br>a&nbsp;beer&nbsp;or&nbsp;a&nbsp;soda?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;could&nbsp;use&nbsp;some&nbsp;wine,<br>myself.&nbsp;'Otter'&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;general&nbsp;store<br>when&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;done&nbsp;writing,&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;drink&nbsp;away&nbsp;the<br>puns...<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;you're&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;say.<br>"Enid,"&nbsp;&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;"you&nbsp;just&nbsp;said<br>you&nbsp;needed&nbsp;to&nbsp;drink&nbsp;away&nbsp;puns,"&nbsp;but&nbsp;these<br>were&nbsp;&nbsp;given&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;me&nbsp;by&nbsp;an&nbsp;adorable,&nbsp;&nbsp;hard-<br>dealing&nbsp;five&nbsp;year&nbsp;old&nbsp;who&nbsp;won&nbsp;a&nbsp;bet&nbsp;about<br>that&nbsp;odd&nbsp;man&nbsp;and&nbsp;his&nbsp;ducks,&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;promise<br>is&nbsp;a&nbsp;promise.&nbsp;&nbsp;See&nbsp;&nbsp;this,&nbsp;Elise?&nbsp;&nbsp;Payment<br>rendered.&nbsp;Your&nbsp;jokes&nbsp;have&nbsp;now&nbsp;been&nbsp;shared<br>with&nbsp;the&nbsp;world.<br><br>*&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;call&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;dinosaur&nbsp;that&nbsp;is<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;sleeping?&nbsp;&nbsp;(A&nbsp;dino-snore!)<br>*&nbsp;Why&nbsp;&nbsp;did&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;student&nbsp;eat&nbsp;his&nbsp;homework?<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;(Because&nbsp;the&nbsp;teacher&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;him&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;piece&nbsp;of&nbsp;cake!)<br>*&nbsp;How&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;does&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;scientist&nbsp;&nbsp;freshen&nbsp;&nbsp;her<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;breath?&nbsp;(With&nbsp;experi-mints!)<br>*&nbsp;Why&nbsp;can't&nbsp;Elsa&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;balloon?&nbsp;(Because<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;she'll&nbsp;let&nbsp;it&nbsp;go.)<br><br>You're&nbsp;welcome.
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==May 16, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;preparation<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;week-long&nbsp;Memorial&nbsp;Day&nbsp;festival,<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;'fall-side&nbsp;ceremony&nbsp;to&nbsp;celebrate<br>and&nbsp;honor&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;fallen,&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;well&nbsp;underway.<br>Veterans&nbsp;are&nbsp;being&nbsp;&nbsp;asked&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;offer&nbsp;their<br>opinions&nbsp;and&nbsp;to&nbsp;vote&nbsp;on&nbsp;possible&nbsp;options,<br>but&nbsp;we&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;Marilyn's&nbsp;blueberry-rasp-<br>berry-marshmallow&nbsp;&nbsp;puffed&nbsp;&nbsp;rice&nbsp;&nbsp;desserts<br>will&nbsp;win.&nbsp;&nbsp;Who&nbsp;can&nbsp;say&nbsp;no&nbsp;to&nbsp;sugary&nbsp;fruit<br>and&nbsp;crunch-sticky&nbsp;stars?<br><br>In&nbsp;news&nbsp;less&nbsp;likely&nbsp;to&nbsp;make&nbsp;dentists&nbsp;feel<br>needed,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;pirate&nbsp;club<br>owner&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;sartorial&nbsp;slip&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;day.<br>Is&nbsp;she&nbsp;joining&nbsp;the&nbsp;ranks&nbsp;of&nbsp;her&nbsp;employees<br>up&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;stage,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;does&nbsp;she&nbsp;just&nbsp;really<br>want&nbsp;the&nbsp;world&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;her&nbsp;panty<br>preferences?&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;'KISS&nbsp;ME'&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;cheeks<br>was&nbsp;so&nbsp;much&nbsp;sassier&nbsp;than&nbsp;I&nbsp;expected.&nbsp;Miss<br>Black,&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;depths&nbsp;remain&nbsp;unplumbed<br>and&nbsp;further&nbsp;mysteries&nbsp;fully&nbsp;clothed.<br><br>A&nbsp;friend&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;friend&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;friend's&nbsp;third<br>cousin's&nbsp;&nbsp;lawyer's&nbsp;uncle's&nbsp;fifth&nbsp;brother<br>claims&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;heard&nbsp;from&nbsp;Carter&nbsp;Logan's<br>own&nbsp;lips&nbsp;that&nbsp;he&nbsp;intends&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;back&nbsp;into<br>show&nbsp;&nbsp;business.&nbsp;&nbsp;Is&nbsp;this&nbsp;true?&nbsp;&nbsp;Will&nbsp;the<br>golden&nbsp;voice&nbsp;return&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;stage?&nbsp;I&nbsp;have<br>my&nbsp;&nbsp;doubts,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;you,&nbsp;my&nbsp;rabid&nbsp;readers,<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;the&nbsp;time&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;world&nbsp;to&nbsp;hunt<br>him&nbsp;down&nbsp;and&nbsp;find&nbsp;the&nbsp;truth.<br><br>Personally,&nbsp;if&nbsp;we're&nbsp;going&nbsp;for&nbsp;childhood<br>vocal&nbsp;heroes,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;have&nbsp;to&nbsp;toss&nbsp;a&nbsp;zombie<br>Beatles&nbsp;&nbsp;reunion&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;hat.&nbsp;&nbsp;Anybody<br>know&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;necromancer&nbsp;with&nbsp;reasonable<br>rates?
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==May 23, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;thanks&nbsp;to&nbsp;a<br>VERY&nbsp;vocal&nbsp;discussion&nbsp;in&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe,<br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;wheedled&nbsp;into&nbsp;including&nbsp;a,<br>shall&nbsp;we&nbsp;say,&nbsp;more&nbsp;educated&nbsp;(read:&nbsp;nerdy)<br>series&nbsp;of&nbsp;jokes.&nbsp;Elise's&nbsp;brother,&nbsp;in&nbsp;case<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;met&nbsp;&nbsp;him,&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;a<br>lawyer&nbsp;some&nbsp;day.&nbsp;Michael,&nbsp;I&nbsp;expect&nbsp;to&nbsp;see<br>your&nbsp;&nbsp;name&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;TV&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;aged&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>decrepit.<br><br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;does&nbsp;a&nbsp;dyslexic,&nbsp;agnostic&nbsp;insom-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;niac&nbsp;&nbsp;spend&nbsp;&nbsp;most&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;time&nbsp;doing?<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;(Staying&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;night&nbsp;&nbsp;wondering&nbsp;&nbsp;if<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;really&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;dog.)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;What&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;say&nbsp;when&nbsp;you're&nbsp;comforting<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;spelling&nbsp;nut?<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;(There,&nbsp;their,&nbsp;they're...)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;What&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;get&nbsp;when&nbsp;you&nbsp;put&nbsp;root&nbsp;beer<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;a&nbsp;square&nbsp;glass?&nbsp;&nbsp;(Beer!)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Descartes&nbsp;&nbsp;walked&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;bar&nbsp;and&nbsp;the<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;bartender&nbsp;asked&nbsp;him,&nbsp;"Would&nbsp;you&nbsp;like&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;drink?"&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;"I&nbsp;think&nbsp;not,"&nbsp;Descartes&nbsp;said,&nbsp;before<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;vanishing.<br><br>Contract&nbsp;fulfilled,&nbsp;kiddo.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;expect&nbsp;a<br>lemonade&nbsp;next&nbsp;time,&nbsp;as&nbsp;promised.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;sour&nbsp;things,&nbsp;if&nbsp;you&nbsp;haven't<br>had&nbsp;a&nbsp;chance&nbsp;to&nbsp;check&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;Betsy&nbsp;Winnet's<br>thunder-juice,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;highly&nbsp;recommend&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>also&nbsp;recommend&nbsp;having&nbsp;something&nbsp;nearby&nbsp;to<br>take&nbsp;the&nbsp;taste&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;your&nbsp;mouth.&nbsp;&nbsp;Betsy,<br>I&nbsp;have&nbsp;no&nbsp;idea&nbsp;what&nbsp;you&nbsp;put&nbsp;in&nbsp;that&nbsp;juice<br>of&nbsp;yours,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;kudos&nbsp;to&nbsp;you&nbsp;for&nbsp;finding&nbsp;a<br>way&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;beat&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Warhead&nbsp;candies&nbsp;I<br>love&nbsp;so&nbsp;well.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;she&nbsp;would&nbsp;explain&nbsp;just&nbsp;why<br>she&nbsp;calls&nbsp;it&nbsp;THUNDER&nbsp;juice...
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==May 30, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;town<br>has&nbsp;&nbsp;endured&nbsp;&nbsp;its&nbsp;fair&nbsp;share&nbsp;of&nbsp;tie-dyed<br>bovines&nbsp;and&nbsp;Pink&nbsp;Mystery&nbsp;ice&nbsp;cream.&nbsp;&nbsp;Fry<br>family&nbsp;&nbsp;fun,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;will&nbsp;have&nbsp;you&nbsp;know,&nbsp;has<br>resulted&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;tastebuds&nbsp;&nbsp;crying&nbsp;&nbsp;for<br>mercy&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;very&nbsp;best&nbsp;of&nbsp;ways.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kudos,<br>cow-runners.<br><br>It&nbsp;wasn't&nbsp;only&nbsp;MY&nbsp;tastebuds&nbsp;rising&nbsp;up&nbsp;in<br>revolt&nbsp;against&nbsp;their&nbsp;delicious&nbsp;invaders,<br>either.&nbsp;&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;Melissa&nbsp;Maybell&nbsp;of&nbsp;Channel<br>6&nbsp;fame&nbsp;ran&nbsp;through&nbsp;the&nbsp;tents&nbsp;so&nbsp;fast,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>thought&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;tail&nbsp;was&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire.&nbsp;&nbsp;Live&nbsp;and<br>learn:&nbsp;you&nbsp;can&nbsp;move&nbsp;surprisingly&nbsp;quickly<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;pencil&nbsp;skirt&nbsp;and&nbsp;three-inch&nbsp;heels.<br>Pink&nbsp;Peppercorn&nbsp;ice&nbsp;cream,&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;an&nbsp;aside,<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;best&nbsp;&nbsp;enjoyed&nbsp;by&nbsp;those&nbsp;whose&nbsp;tongues<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;already&nbsp;&nbsp;given&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;life&nbsp;and&nbsp;res-<br>igned&nbsp;themselves&nbsp;to&nbsp;torture&nbsp;by&nbsp;fire.<br><br>There&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;adorable&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;moments,<br>however,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;run&nbsp;&nbsp;itself&nbsp;went&nbsp;very<br>well.&nbsp;&nbsp;Figures&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;still&nbsp;being&nbsp;tallied<br>up,&nbsp;but&nbsp;it&nbsp;sounds&nbsp;like&nbsp;the&nbsp;local&nbsp;shelter<br>groups&nbsp;&nbsp;will&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;least&nbsp;a&nbsp;few<br>thousand&nbsp;&nbsp;dollars.&nbsp;&nbsp;Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;someone<br>who&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;not&nbsp;be&nbsp;stoned&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;my<br>home&nbsp;some&nbsp;day,&nbsp;please&nbsp;continue&nbsp;to&nbsp;sup-<br>port&nbsp;your&nbsp;local&nbsp;homeless&nbsp;shelters.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's<br>a&nbsp;rough&nbsp;world&nbsp;out&nbsp;there,&nbsp;and&nbsp;there&nbsp;are&nbsp;a<br>lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;folks&nbsp;who&nbsp;just&nbsp;need&nbsp;a&nbsp;hand&nbsp;to&nbsp;get<br>them&nbsp;back&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;their&nbsp;feet.
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==June 06, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;cows<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;passed,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;ducks&nbsp;to&nbsp;look<br>forward&nbsp;to!&nbsp;&nbsp;Keep&nbsp;an&nbsp;eye&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;sky&nbsp;next<br>week,&nbsp;&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;get&nbsp;yourself&nbsp;and&nbsp;your<br>kids&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;River&nbsp;Tam,&nbsp;just&nbsp;south<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;&nbsp;lumber&nbsp;yard.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;anyone<br>still&nbsp;needs&nbsp;to&nbsp;register&nbsp;their&nbsp;duckapult,<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;safety&nbsp;inspectors&nbsp;will&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;holding<br>meetings&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Town&nbsp;Hall&nbsp;every&nbsp;day,&nbsp;&nbsp;by<br>appointment&nbsp;and&nbsp;walk-in.<br><br>Jeremy&nbsp;Thatcher&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;asked&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;let&nbsp;you<br>all&nbsp;know&nbsp;that&nbsp;he&nbsp;lost&nbsp;his&nbsp;first&nbsp;tooth&nbsp;on<br>his&nbsp;birthday,&nbsp;eating&nbsp;cake.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>His&nbsp;mother&nbsp;would&nbsp;like&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;let&nbsp;you&nbsp;know<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;cake&nbsp;his&nbsp;tooth&nbsp;fell&nbsp;off&nbsp;in&nbsp;was<br>not&nbsp;his.<br><br>Betty,&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;condolences,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;look&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>bright&nbsp;&nbsp;side:&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;tooth&nbsp;&nbsp;stayed&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>family!<br><br>Getting&nbsp;old,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;most&nbsp;certainly&nbsp;am<br>not&nbsp;doing,&nbsp;&nbsp;means&nbsp;that&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;more<br>tooth-loss&nbsp;than&nbsp;&nbsp;birthday&nbsp;&nbsp;cakes&nbsp;to&nbsp;look<br>forward&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;to.&nbsp;&nbsp;Jeremy,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;new<br>chompers&nbsp;&nbsp;grow&nbsp;&nbsp;in,&nbsp;&nbsp;take&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;care&nbsp;of<br>them.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;only&nbsp;get&nbsp;new&nbsp;ones&nbsp;once.
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==June 13, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;the&nbsp;ducks<br>are&nbsp;&nbsp;flying,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;mean&nbsp;the&nbsp;kind<br>our&nbsp;hunters&nbsp;can&nbsp;have&nbsp;fun&nbsp;shooting.&nbsp;I&nbsp;can<br>hear&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;trebuchets&nbsp;thwacking,&nbsp;honking&nbsp;<br>and&nbsp;tooting&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;living&nbsp;room&nbsp;window,<br>and&nbsp;I've&nbsp;got&nbsp;to&nbsp;say,&nbsp;for&nbsp;as&nbsp;long&nbsp;as&nbsp;I've<br>lived&nbsp;&nbsp;here,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;think&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;ever<br>heard&nbsp;a&nbsp;'symphony'&nbsp;of&nbsp;trebuchet-flingers<br>as&nbsp;diverse&nbsp;as&nbsp;this&nbsp;year's&nbsp;composition.<br><br>Mayor&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;judging&nbsp;committee<br>this&nbsp;year,&nbsp;so&nbsp;bring&nbsp;him&nbsp;lots&nbsp;of&nbsp;bonbons,<br>folks,&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;bribes.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;leave&nbsp;them<br>with&nbsp;me.<br><br>He&nbsp;might&nbsp;get&nbsp;one&nbsp;or&nbsp;two...<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;going&nbsp;missing,&nbsp;Brigitte&nbsp;Yves<br>was&nbsp;talking&nbsp;just&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;day&nbsp;about&nbsp;her<br>pies&nbsp;disappearing&nbsp;from&nbsp;her&nbsp;windowsill.&nbsp;I<br>don't&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;point&nbsp;fingers,&nbsp;covered&nbsp;in<br>blueberries&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;not,&nbsp;toward&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;young<br>culprits&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;may&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;seen<br>chortling&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;woods,&nbsp;but&nbsp;an&nbsp;apology<br>seems&nbsp;in&nbsp;order,&nbsp;ladies,&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;it?<br><br>All&nbsp;Miss&nbsp;Yves&nbsp;asks&nbsp;is&nbsp;that&nbsp;you&nbsp;bake&nbsp;pies<br>to&nbsp;replace&nbsp;the&nbsp;ones&nbsp;you&nbsp;pilfered,&nbsp;and&nbsp;to<br>pay&nbsp;her&nbsp;back&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;time&nbsp;you&nbsp;stole&nbsp;with<br>your&nbsp;own&nbsp;pastry&nbsp;pilfering.
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==June 20, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;been<br>wondering:&nbsp;is&nbsp;it&nbsp;just&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;have&nbsp;we&nbsp;had<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;raging&nbsp;case&nbsp;of&nbsp;LARP?&nbsp;&nbsp;As&nbsp;older&nbsp;readers<br>may&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;know,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;LARP&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;Live&nbsp;Action<br>Role-Playing&nbsp;game,&nbsp;where&nbsp;people&nbsp;&nbsp;dress&nbsp;up<br>like&nbsp;&nbsp;fairies&nbsp;and&nbsp;hairy&nbsp;Conan&nbsp;the&nbsp;Desper-<br>ately&nbsp;needs&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;Barber-ian&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;play&nbsp;&nbsp;out<br>stories.&nbsp;&nbsp;In&nbsp;&nbsp;public.&nbsp;&nbsp;Where&nbsp;&nbsp;people&nbsp;&nbsp;can<br>see&nbsp;them.<br><br>When&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;was&nbsp;younger,&nbsp;&nbsp;make-believe&nbsp;didn't<br>have&nbsp;quite&nbsp;as&nbsp;many&nbsp;rules...<br><br>Or&nbsp;actual&nbsp;swords.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>I'll&nbsp;&nbsp;grant&nbsp;&nbsp;them&nbsp;&nbsp;this:&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;younger&nbsp;self<br>didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;quite&nbsp;as&nbsp;many&nbsp;steamy&nbsp;men&nbsp;and<br>women&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;oddball&nbsp;outfits,&nbsp;either.<br>Clyde,&nbsp;your&nbsp;mother&nbsp;named&nbsp;you&nbsp;well,&nbsp;and&nbsp;if<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;ever&nbsp;brag&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;hefting&nbsp;me&nbsp;up&nbsp;over<br>your&nbsp;head,&nbsp;tell&nbsp;everyone&nbsp;I&nbsp;weighed&nbsp;twenty<br>pounds&nbsp;less!<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Ladies'&nbsp;Gardening<br>Group&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;lost&nbsp;a&nbsp;fair&nbsp;amount&nbsp;themselves,<br>through&nbsp;&nbsp;healthy&nbsp;&nbsp;living&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;exer-<br>cise&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;mountain.&nbsp;Kudos,&nbsp;ladies!<br>I'd&nbsp;join&nbsp;&nbsp;you,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;think&nbsp;I've&nbsp;strained<br>my&nbsp;everything.&nbsp;&nbsp;Bonbons&nbsp;at&nbsp;home&nbsp;are&nbsp;call-<br>ing&nbsp;my&nbsp;name.<br><br>Anyone&nbsp;else&nbsp;still&nbsp;finding&nbsp;ducks&nbsp;in&nbsp;places<br>no&nbsp;one&nbsp;should&nbsp;be&nbsp;finding&nbsp;ducks?
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==June 27, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp; I'm&nbsp;here&nbsp;to<br>bring&nbsp;you&nbsp;word&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;mighty&nbsp;"sticky"&nbsp;situ-<br>ation. &nbsp;Get&nbsp; it? &nbsp;Sticky? &nbsp;Captain&nbsp; Owens<br>sure&nbsp;did,&nbsp;when&nbsp;he&nbsp;sat&nbsp;down&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;bench&nbsp;his<br>daughter&nbsp;had&nbsp;just&nbsp;spilled&nbsp;her&nbsp;soggy&nbsp;candy<br>and&nbsp;bubble&nbsp;gum&nbsp;all&nbsp;over.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;vinegar&nbsp;or&nbsp;dish&nbsp;soap&nbsp;is<br>good&nbsp;for&nbsp;getting&nbsp;that&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;fabric,&nbsp; but<br>as&nbsp; for&nbsp;the&nbsp;adorable&nbsp;little&nbsp;girl&nbsp;snapping<br>a&nbsp;picture&nbsp; of&nbsp;her&nbsp;daddy's&nbsp;ass&nbsp;and&nbsp;posting<br>it&nbsp;on&nbsp;Facebook? &nbsp;That&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;have&nbsp;to&nbsp;deal<br>with&nbsp;on&nbsp;your&nbsp;own.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;tells&nbsp;me&nbsp;that&nbsp;someone<br>has&nbsp;been&nbsp;being&nbsp;naughty&nbsp;down&nbsp;on&nbsp;Apple&nbsp;Tree<br>Lane.&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Belwether&nbsp;has&nbsp;forcefully&nbsp;asked<br>me&nbsp; to&nbsp; request&nbsp; that&nbsp; the&nbsp;individual,&nbsp;or<br>individuals,&nbsp;who&nbsp;persist&nbsp;in&nbsp;leaving&nbsp;apple<br>cores&nbsp; in&nbsp; her&nbsp;streetside&nbsp;gardens&nbsp;use&nbsp;the<br>public&nbsp;trash&nbsp;bin&nbsp;further&nbsp;down&nbsp;the&nbsp;road.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;food&nbsp;that&nbsp;attracts&nbsp;pests,&nbsp;I'm<br>mighty&nbsp; glad&nbsp;I&nbsp;live&nbsp;up&nbsp;here&nbsp;in&nbsp;town. &nbsp;The<br>local&nbsp; animal&nbsp; &nbsp;control&nbsp; authorities&nbsp; are<br>mystified,&nbsp; and&nbsp;I&nbsp;am,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;by&nbsp;how&nbsp;many&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp; rats&nbsp;they're&nbsp;finding&nbsp;lately&nbsp;have&nbsp;had<br>numbers&nbsp;dyed&nbsp;into&nbsp;their&nbsp;fur.<br><br>Is&nbsp;someone&nbsp; out&nbsp;there&nbsp;doing&nbsp;science? &nbsp;Are<br>the&nbsp; rats&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;us? &nbsp;Billy,&nbsp; you&nbsp;let<br>us&nbsp;know&nbsp;up&nbsp;here. &nbsp;We'll&nbsp;stay&nbsp;good&nbsp;and&nbsp;far<br>away.<br><br>The&nbsp;plans&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;Independence&nbsp;Day&nbsp;celeb-<br>rations&nbsp; are&nbsp;well&nbsp;underway,&nbsp;on&nbsp; a&nbsp;happier<br>note,&nbsp;and&nbsp;businesses&nbsp;all&nbsp;down&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street<br>are&nbsp; reporting&nbsp; gossip&nbsp;as&nbsp;usual. &nbsp;I'll&nbsp;be<br>back&nbsp;with&nbsp;more&nbsp;next&nbsp;week!
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==July 04, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;my&nbsp; gloating<br>is&nbsp;catching&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;me. &nbsp;Anyone&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;Pied<br>Piper&nbsp;we&nbsp;could&nbsp;borrow?&nbsp;The&nbsp;rat&nbsp;problem&nbsp;is<br>only&nbsp; getting&nbsp; worse,&nbsp;though&nbsp;as&nbsp;we've&nbsp;all<br>heard&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;news,&nbsp;the&nbsp;little&nbsp;beasties&nbsp;do<br>seem&nbsp; to&nbsp; have&nbsp; a&nbsp; clean&nbsp; bill&nbsp;of&nbsp;health.<br>Whatever&nbsp;else&nbsp;they're&nbsp;here&nbsp;to&nbsp;do,&nbsp;spread-<br>ing&nbsp;a&nbsp;plague&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;agenda.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;we've&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;plague&nbsp;of&nbsp;fireworks<br>accidents,&nbsp;instead,&nbsp;but&nbsp;don't&nbsp;you&nbsp;worry,<br>folks. &nbsp;I&nbsp; was&nbsp; getting&nbsp;my&nbsp;third&nbsp;morning<br>coffee&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe,&nbsp; and<br>what&nbsp; do&nbsp; I&nbsp; see&nbsp;but&nbsp;two&nbsp;sets&nbsp;of&nbsp;parents<br>frog-marching&nbsp; teenagers&nbsp; up&nbsp; toward&nbsp;the<br>deputy&nbsp; fire&nbsp;and&nbsp;police&nbsp;station&nbsp;for&nbsp;none<br>other&nbsp;than&nbsp; setting&nbsp;off&nbsp;all&nbsp;those&nbsp;explo-<br>sions&nbsp; you&nbsp; all&nbsp; were&nbsp; asking&nbsp; about&nbsp;the<br>night&nbsp; before&nbsp; last. &nbsp;Case&nbsp; closed! &nbsp;For<br>legal&nbsp;reasons,&nbsp; I&nbsp; &nbsp;can't&nbsp; disclose&nbsp; the<br>names&nbsp;of&nbsp; those&nbsp;involved,&nbsp;but&nbsp; I&nbsp;CAN&nbsp;say<br>that&nbsp; one&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp; boys&nbsp;was&nbsp;wearing&nbsp;white<br>boxers&nbsp; with&nbsp; bright&nbsp;red&nbsp;hearts&nbsp;on&nbsp;them,<br>and&nbsp; really&nbsp;should&nbsp;have&nbsp;pulled&nbsp;his&nbsp;pants<br>up&nbsp; higher. &nbsp;We&nbsp; didn't&nbsp; need&nbsp;to&nbsp;see&nbsp;the<br>cut-outs.<br><br>Deputy,&nbsp; you&nbsp;have&nbsp;my&nbsp;sympathies. &nbsp;If&nbsp;you<br>want&nbsp;the&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;around<br>with&nbsp; hats&nbsp; for&nbsp;charitable&nbsp;contributions<br>toward&nbsp;the&nbsp;acquisition&nbsp;of&nbsp;suitable&nbsp;belts<br>and&nbsp;undergarments&nbsp;for&nbsp;use&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;station<br>there,&nbsp;you&nbsp;just&nbsp;give&nbsp;us&nbsp;the&nbsp;word.
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==July 11, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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 &nbsp; &nbsp; T&nbsp;A&nbsp;M&nbsp;A&nbsp;R&nbsp;A&nbsp;C&nbsp;K&nbsp; T&nbsp;I&nbsp;M&nbsp;E&nbsp;S<br> &nbsp; &nbsp;GOSSIP&nbsp;COLUMN,&nbsp;by&nbsp;Enid&nbsp;SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp; told&nbsp; I<br>was&nbsp;sexist,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;apologize. &nbsp;The&nbsp; men&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;town&nbsp;are,&nbsp;of&nbsp;course,&nbsp;entirely&nbsp;welcome<br>to&nbsp;go&nbsp;around&nbsp;asking&nbsp; for&nbsp;money&nbsp;to&nbsp;buy&nbsp;new<br>undergarments&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;delinquent&nbsp;&nbsp;teens,&nbsp;and<br>so&nbsp;is&nbsp;any&nbsp;gender&nbsp;in&nbsp;between.<br><br>Remember&nbsp;Milly?&nbsp;&nbsp;Probably&nbsp;&nbsp;not,&nbsp;since&nbsp;the<br>little&nbsp;furball&nbsp;ran&nbsp;away&nbsp;almost&nbsp;a&nbsp;year&nbsp;ago<br>today,&nbsp;but&nbsp;believe&nbsp;it&nbsp;or&nbsp;not,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;by<br>her&nbsp;&nbsp;owner&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;collie&nbsp;just&nbsp;showed&nbsp;up<br>at&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;door,&nbsp;&nbsp;filthy&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;bright-eyed.&nbsp;<br>Hopefully&nbsp;she&nbsp;stays&nbsp;there,&nbsp;this&nbsp;time,&nbsp;and<br>Nancy,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;need&nbsp;a&nbsp;number&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;good<br>landscaper&nbsp;to&nbsp;put&nbsp;up&nbsp;a&nbsp;higher&nbsp;fence,&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>know&nbsp;my&nbsp;number.<br><br>According&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;Bill's,<br>this&nbsp;&nbsp;week&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;bumper&nbsp;&nbsp;crop&nbsp;for&nbsp;dog-<br>related&nbsp;&nbsp;incidents.&nbsp;&nbsp;There&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;two<br>runaways,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;broken&nbsp;hip&nbsp;due&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;purple-<br>dyed&nbsp;poodle,&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;really&nbsp;should&nbsp;come<br>back&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;debate&nbsp;over&nbsp;cruelty&nbsp;to&nbsp;eyes<br>at&nbsp;some&nbsp;point,&nbsp;and,&nbsp;last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;a<br>doggy&nbsp;&nbsp;play&nbsp;&nbsp;date&nbsp;has&nbsp;resulted&nbsp;in&nbsp;painted<br>paw-prints&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;sidewalk&nbsp;down&nbsp;on&nbsp;<br>South&nbsp;Main&nbsp;&nbsp;after&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;furry&nbsp;&nbsp;miscreants<br>escaped&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;leads,&nbsp;knocked&nbsp;over&nbsp;a&nbsp;can<br>of&nbsp;paint&nbsp;and&nbsp;sprinted&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;play&nbsp;'chase'<br>down&nbsp;the&nbsp;street.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;animals&nbsp;and&nbsp;paint,&nbsp;why,&nbsp;I&nbsp;was<br>at&nbsp;&nbsp;lunch&nbsp;with&nbsp;Lou&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bang&nbsp;Bang&nbsp;just&nbsp;the<br>other&nbsp;day&nbsp;and&nbsp;heard&nbsp;that&nbsp;SOMEone&nbsp;has&nbsp;been<br>out&nbsp;there&nbsp;painting&nbsp;ninjas&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;sides&nbsp;of<br>buildings.&nbsp;The&nbsp;town&nbsp;hall&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;hippo&nbsp;in&nbsp;a<br>tutu,&nbsp;Crops&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bobbers&nbsp;has&nbsp;a&nbsp;pair&nbsp;of<br>lovebirds&nbsp;flinging&nbsp;ninja&nbsp;stars,&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;few<br>other&nbsp;readers&nbsp;have&nbsp;come&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;report&nbsp;cows<br>and&nbsp;sheep,&nbsp;a&nbsp;frog,&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;particularly<br>mean-looking&nbsp;pixie&nbsp;scattered&nbsp;about&nbsp;the<br>town.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;went&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;see&nbsp;them&nbsp;myself,&nbsp;and<br>whoever&nbsp;this&nbsp;artist&nbsp;is,&nbsp;they're&nbsp;wasted&nbsp;on<br>tagging&nbsp;buildings.&nbsp;The&nbsp;calligraphy&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>slogans&nbsp;alone&nbsp;is&nbsp;gorgeous.&nbsp;Now&nbsp;if&nbsp;only&nbsp;I,<br>or&nbsp;any&nbsp;of&nbsp;my&nbsp;sources,&nbsp;spoke&nbsp;Japanese...
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==July 18, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;pleased<br>to&nbsp;say&nbsp;that&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;had&nbsp;an&nbsp;outpouring&nbsp;of<br>translators&nbsp;&nbsp;willing&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;step&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;the<br>task&nbsp;of&nbsp;reading&nbsp;ninja&nbsp;graffiti.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;no&nbsp;&nbsp;particular&nbsp;order,&nbsp;my&nbsp;lovely<br>readers,&nbsp;this&nbsp;is&nbsp;what&nbsp;we've&nbsp;got:<br><br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;The&nbsp;potato&nbsp;is&nbsp;watching&nbsp;you.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Big&nbsp;is&nbsp;big.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Love&nbsp;the&nbsp;star&nbsp;killer.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Fear&nbsp;the&nbsp;root-veggie&nbsp;of&nbsp;war.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Dinosaurs&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;clever.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Kickbox&nbsp;the&nbsp;snake&nbsp;plane.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Taste&nbsp;the&nbsp;rainbow.<br><br>What&nbsp;does&nbsp;any&nbsp;of&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;mean?&nbsp;&nbsp;Heck&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>know,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;police&nbsp;are&nbsp;mighty&nbsp;curious<br>about&nbsp;the&nbsp;identity&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;one&nbsp;who&nbsp;did&nbsp;it<br>all.&nbsp;<br><br>In&nbsp;&nbsp;other&nbsp;news,&nbsp;&nbsp;what's&nbsp;this&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;about<br>you&nbsp;swearing&nbsp;&nbsp;off&nbsp;of&nbsp;coffee,&nbsp;Jimmy?&nbsp;&nbsp;Why,<br>half&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;business&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe<br>comes&nbsp;from&nbsp;you&nbsp;and&nbsp;your&nbsp;addiction.&nbsp;What's<br>that&nbsp;nice&nbsp;&nbsp;young&nbsp;&nbsp;lady&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;do?&nbsp;&nbsp;I've<br>been&nbsp;informed&nbsp;by&nbsp;an&nbsp;anonymous&nbsp;source&nbsp;with<br>excellent&nbsp;&nbsp;orange&nbsp;&nbsp;cake&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;&nbsp;be<br>trying&nbsp;tea&nbsp;to&nbsp;make&nbsp;you&nbsp;feel&nbsp;younger.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let<br>me&nbsp;know&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;works.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;could&nbsp;lose&nbsp;a&nbsp;few<br>decades&nbsp;myself.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;losing&nbsp;things,&nbsp;&nbsp;someone&nbsp;&nbsp;has<br>been&nbsp;&nbsp;leaving&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;trails&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;the<br>mountain&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;Salvation&nbsp;West,&nbsp;the&nbsp;ranger<br>crew&nbsp;tells&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;hanging&nbsp;little&nbsp;"fairy<br>houses"&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;so&nbsp;far&nbsp;the&nbsp;only&nbsp;things<br>living&nbsp;in&nbsp;them&nbsp;are&nbsp;spiders&nbsp;and&nbsp;bird&nbsp;poo.
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==July 25, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;should<br>all&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;thankful&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;group&nbsp;of&nbsp;anonymous<br>hikers&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;dog.&nbsp;&nbsp;It&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;hit&nbsp;the<br>news&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;proud&nbsp;to&nbsp;say,&nbsp;but&nbsp;yesterday<br>evening,&nbsp;John&nbsp;Wellenby&nbsp;was&nbsp;taking&nbsp;a&nbsp;drive<br>up&nbsp;Salvation&nbsp;East&nbsp;to&nbsp;celebrate&nbsp;his&nbsp;wife's<br>fifth&nbsp;&nbsp;deathday&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;tree&nbsp;fell&nbsp;on&nbsp;his<br>car.&nbsp;&nbsp;Darn&nbsp;near&nbsp;crushed&nbsp;him,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;DID<br>smash&nbsp;the&nbsp;antique&nbsp;end&nbsp;table&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;trunk,<br>but&nbsp;with&nbsp;no&nbsp;cell&nbsp;service,&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;up&nbsp;there<br>for&nbsp;four&nbsp;hours.&nbsp;&nbsp;John,&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;your&nbsp;hip,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>don't&nbsp;blame&nbsp;you&nbsp;for&nbsp;waiting,&nbsp;but&nbsp;at&nbsp;least<br>we&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;Mabel&nbsp;would&nbsp;still&nbsp;has&nbsp;a&nbsp;good<br>sense&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;humor.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;bet&nbsp;you&nbsp;a&nbsp;$20&nbsp;that<br>it's&nbsp;her&nbsp;spirit&nbsp;that&nbsp;knocked&nbsp;that&nbsp;tree&nbsp;on<br>down.&nbsp;She&nbsp;never&nbsp;did&nbsp;like&nbsp;that&nbsp;table.<br><br>With&nbsp;that&nbsp;in&nbsp;mind,&nbsp;John&nbsp;has&nbsp;also&nbsp;asked&nbsp;me<br>to&nbsp;ask&nbsp;you&nbsp;all:&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;good&nbsp;at&nbsp;carpentry<br>want&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;risk&nbsp;&nbsp;Mabel's&nbsp;&nbsp;ire&nbsp;and&nbsp;put&nbsp;that<br>table&nbsp;back&nbsp;together?<br><br>I've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;another&nbsp;&nbsp;odd&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;gossip&nbsp;for<br>you,&nbsp;and&nbsp;this&nbsp;one's&nbsp;a&nbsp;pickle.&nbsp;We&nbsp;all&nbsp;know<br>and&nbsp;love,&nbsp;or&nbsp;don't,&nbsp;the&nbsp;squirrels&nbsp;at&nbsp;this<br>time&nbsp;of&nbsp;year,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;is&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;sort&nbsp;of<br>regional&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;squirrel&nbsp;&nbsp;holiday&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;<br>aware&nbsp;of?&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;half&nbsp;a&nbsp;dozen&nbsp;readers<br>come&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;say&nbsp;&nbsp;they've&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;finding<br>squirrels&nbsp;&nbsp;crawling&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;manner&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>places.&nbsp;&nbsp;Buildings&nbsp;with&nbsp;interesting&nbsp;roofs<br>seem&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;favorites.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;&nbsp;not<br>even&nbsp;&nbsp;Autumn&nbsp;yet&nbsp;--&nbsp;why&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;they&nbsp;in&nbsp;such<br>a&nbsp;hurry&nbsp;to&nbsp;hide&nbsp;their&nbsp;nuts?<br><br>Mrs.&nbsp;Pennythistle&nbsp;has&nbsp;a&nbsp;similar&nbsp;question<br>for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;gentleman&nbsp;callers&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;seen<br>entering,&nbsp;and&nbsp;leaving,&nbsp;a&nbsp;neighbor's&nbsp;home<br>the&nbsp;past&nbsp;few&nbsp;nights...
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==August 01, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;public<br>has&nbsp;&nbsp;asked&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;inform&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;<br>individual&nbsp;responsible&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;driving&nbsp;past<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;homes&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;Road&nbsp;at&nbsp;2am&nbsp;blaring<br>extraordinarily&nbsp;loud&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;thumping&nbsp;&nbsp;music<br>has&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;soundly&nbsp;chastised&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;Miller<br>grannies&nbsp;for&nbsp;waking&nbsp;their&nbsp;grandbabies.<br><br>Millers,&nbsp;try&nbsp;Avalon.&nbsp;&nbsp;She's&nbsp;the&nbsp;tea&nbsp;witch<br>Lefevre&nbsp;down&nbsp;on&nbsp;Main.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;can&nbsp;give<br>that&nbsp;driver&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;cursing,&nbsp;she&nbsp;can.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;teenager&nbsp;was&nbsp;"cursing"<br>a&nbsp;few&nbsp;people&nbsp;yesterday&nbsp;morning,&nbsp;too...&nbsp;&nbsp;A<br>certain&nbsp;pair&nbsp;of&nbsp;red&nbsp;Converse&nbsp;sneakers&nbsp;was<br>found&nbsp;dangling&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;laces&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;power<br>line.&nbsp;&nbsp;Note:&nbsp;these&nbsp;were&nbsp;not&nbsp;the&nbsp;decrepit,<br>ancient&nbsp;&nbsp;shoes&nbsp;&nbsp;worn&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;our&nbsp;favorite&nbsp;Kip<br>Kensington&nbsp;of&nbsp;Homepage&nbsp;Books.&nbsp;&nbsp;These&nbsp;were<br>in&nbsp;good&nbsp;shape,&nbsp;&nbsp;until&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;pigeons&nbsp;pooped<br>inside&nbsp;them.<br><br>Little&nbsp;Tommy&nbsp;Mayer&nbsp;would&nbsp;like&nbsp;everyone&nbsp;to<br>know&nbsp;that&nbsp;he&nbsp;lost&nbsp;his&nbsp;toy&nbsp;RC&nbsp;plane&nbsp;flying<br>it&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;cliff&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;waterfall.&nbsp;&nbsp;His<br>mama's&nbsp;docking&nbsp;his&nbsp;allowance&nbsp;until&nbsp;he&nbsp;can<br>buy&nbsp;his&nbsp;big&nbsp;brother&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;plane,&nbsp;but&nbsp;he'd<br>like&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;rock&nbsp;climbers&nbsp;out&nbsp;there&nbsp;to<br>know&nbsp;that&nbsp;he'll&nbsp;pay&nbsp;them&nbsp;in&nbsp;weeding&nbsp;or&nbsp;in<br>yardwork,&nbsp;or&nbsp;household&nbsp;chores,&nbsp;with&nbsp;which<br>he&nbsp;has&nbsp;a&nbsp;great&nbsp;&nbsp;deal&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;experience,&nbsp;&nbsp;if<br>they'd&nbsp;be&nbsp;willing&nbsp;to&nbsp;climb&nbsp;down&nbsp;and&nbsp;fetch<br>the&nbsp;plane&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;rock&nbsp;it&nbsp;landed&nbsp;on.<br><br>What&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;say,&nbsp;climbers?&nbsp;&nbsp;Feel&nbsp;like&nbsp;a<br>refreshing&nbsp;slip&nbsp;and&nbsp;slide&nbsp;down&nbsp;moss-slimy<br>rocks&nbsp;beside&nbsp;a&nbsp;waterfall?<br><br>If&nbsp;you&nbsp;go,&nbsp;let&nbsp;me&nbsp;know,&nbsp;because&nbsp;I&nbsp;want&nbsp;to<br>be&nbsp;there&nbsp;to&nbsp;take&nbsp;pictures.&nbsp;&nbsp;That'd&nbsp;be&nbsp;one<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;record&nbsp;books.
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==August 08, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;some<br>good&nbsp;&nbsp;news&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;John&nbsp;Wellenby.&nbsp;&nbsp;Strange,<br>but&nbsp;good.&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember&nbsp;the&nbsp;tree&nbsp;that&nbsp;crushed<br>his&nbsp;car&nbsp;a&nbsp;couple&nbsp;weeks&nbsp;back?&nbsp;Remember&nbsp;his<br>request&nbsp;for&nbsp;aid&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;putting&nbsp;Mabel's&nbsp;table<br>back&nbsp;together?&nbsp;Well,&nbsp;somebody&nbsp;did,&nbsp;and&nbsp;it<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;better&nbsp;&nbsp;than&nbsp;ever,&nbsp;but&nbsp;his&nbsp;mysterious<br>benefactor&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;give&nbsp;a&nbsp;name,&nbsp;and&nbsp;John<br>says&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;the&nbsp;oddest&nbsp;thing&nbsp;--&nbsp;all&nbsp;they<br>wanted&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;rose&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;John's&nbsp;garden&nbsp;in<br>payment,&nbsp;fully&nbsp;bloomed,&nbsp;from&nbsp;his&nbsp;ma's&nbsp;old<br>bush&nbsp;out&nbsp;back.<br><br>Have&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;gone&nbsp;and&nbsp;turned&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;Vermont<br>variant&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Beauty&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;Beast&nbsp;while&nbsp;I<br>wasn't&nbsp;looking?<br><br>Just&nbsp;in&nbsp;case,&nbsp;be&nbsp;careful&nbsp;about&nbsp;little&nbsp;old<br>ladies&nbsp;needing&nbsp;help...and&nbsp;no,&nbsp;Timmy,&nbsp;I&nbsp;am<br>oldER,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;not&nbsp;old.&nbsp;&nbsp;Give&nbsp;me&nbsp;twenty<br>years,&nbsp;at&nbsp;least,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;complain&nbsp;about<br>not&nbsp;&nbsp;doing&nbsp;sky-diving&nbsp;enough&nbsp;in&nbsp;my&nbsp;future<br>retirement.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;being&nbsp;kind,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;that<br>the&nbsp;old&nbsp;church&nbsp;roof&nbsp;has&nbsp;sprung&nbsp;a&nbsp;leak.&nbsp;&nbsp;A<br>whopping&nbsp;big&nbsp;one,&nbsp;from&nbsp;what&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told.&nbsp;The<br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;town&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;historian,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;will&nbsp;&nbsp;remain&nbsp;<br>nameless&nbsp;at&nbsp;his&nbsp;request,&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;asked&nbsp;me&nbsp;to<br>remind&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;historical&nbsp;value<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;local&nbsp;structures&nbsp;is&nbsp;incalculable,<br>and&nbsp;that&nbsp;future&nbsp;&nbsp;generations&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;thank<br>us&nbsp;if&nbsp;we&nbsp;could&nbsp;scrape&nbsp;the&nbsp;lint&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;our<br>pockets.&nbsp;&nbsp;Donations&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;an&nbsp;all&nbsp;time<br>low.<br><br>On&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;happier&nbsp;&nbsp;note,&nbsp;&nbsp;Margaret,&nbsp;you&nbsp;dog!<br>When&nbsp;you&nbsp;said&nbsp;you'd&nbsp;lost&nbsp;&nbsp;30&nbsp;pounds&nbsp;while&nbsp;<br>you&nbsp;were&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;Mississippi&nbsp;from&nbsp;having<br>that&nbsp;tape&nbsp;worm,&nbsp;I&nbsp;admit,&nbsp;I&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;believe<br>it.&nbsp;Now,&nbsp;lose&nbsp;those&nbsp;pants,&nbsp;next,&nbsp;and&nbsp;this<br>time,&nbsp;don't&nbsp;lose&nbsp;them&nbsp;in&nbsp;public.
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==August 15, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;<br>learn&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;joys&nbsp;of&nbsp;having&nbsp;ears<br>that&nbsp;work&nbsp;as&nbsp;nature&nbsp;intended.&nbsp;&nbsp;See,&nbsp;&nbsp;Abel<br>McKinney&nbsp;has&nbsp;lived&nbsp;beside&nbsp;&nbsp;Mupan&nbsp;and&nbsp;Ling<br>for&nbsp;&nbsp;forty&nbsp;&nbsp;years,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;twenty&nbsp;years,<br>Abel's&nbsp;&nbsp;wife&nbsp;&nbsp;Mary-Anne&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;nagging<br>him,&nbsp;as&nbsp;you've&nbsp;no&nbsp;doubt&nbsp;heard,&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;his<br>ears&nbsp;checked.<br><br>Well,&nbsp;he&nbsp;finally&nbsp;did.<br><br>I&nbsp;was&nbsp;getting&nbsp;a&nbsp;coffee&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;day,&nbsp;out<br>on&nbsp;the&nbsp;sidewalk&nbsp;and&nbsp;chatting&nbsp;with&nbsp;friends<br>about&nbsp;nonsense,&nbsp;and&nbsp;what&nbsp;do&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;but&nbsp;an<br>angry&nbsp;Abel&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;on&nbsp;and&nbsp;on&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;police<br>deputy&nbsp;about&nbsp;noise,&nbsp;noise,&nbsp;noise,&nbsp;day&nbsp;in,<br>day&nbsp;out,&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;neighbors&nbsp;next&nbsp;door.&nbsp;He<br>can't&nbsp;handle&nbsp;the&nbsp;drumming,&nbsp;the&nbsp;loud&nbsp;music<br>and&nbsp;games.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Abel,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;asked&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;Mary-Anne&nbsp;to<br>tell&nbsp;you&nbsp;one&nbsp;thing:&nbsp;I&nbsp;told&nbsp;you&nbsp;so.<br><br>Here's&nbsp;another&nbsp;little&nbsp;item&nbsp;for&nbsp;you:&nbsp;who's<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;litterbug&nbsp;&nbsp;leaving&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;plastic&nbsp;<br>garbage&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;river?&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;been&nbsp;a<br>hot,&nbsp;hot&nbsp;week,&nbsp;and&nbsp;we've&nbsp;had&nbsp;half&nbsp;a&nbsp;dozen<br>reports&nbsp;from&nbsp;locals&nbsp;and&nbsp;tourists&nbsp;alike&nbsp;of<br>laundry&nbsp;detergent&nbsp;&nbsp;bottles,&nbsp;soda&nbsp;bottles,<br>water&nbsp;&nbsp;bottles,&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;strung&nbsp;&nbsp;together&nbsp;or<br>with&nbsp;toothpicks&nbsp;poked&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;sides,<br>caught&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;nets&nbsp;under&nbsp;the&nbsp;bridges.<br><br>As&nbsp;always,&nbsp;if&nbsp;you&nbsp;hear&nbsp;anything&nbsp;about&nbsp;it,<br>you&nbsp;know&nbsp;where&nbsp;to&nbsp;bring&nbsp;the&nbsp;gossip.
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==August 22, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;am&nbsp;happy<br>to&nbsp;say&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;river-side<br>litterbug&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;solved.&nbsp;&nbsp;As&nbsp;it&nbsp;turns<br>out,&nbsp;little&nbsp;Andrew&nbsp;Altin&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;getting<br>into&nbsp;his&nbsp;mother's&nbsp;recycling&nbsp;bins&nbsp;at&nbsp;night<br>and&nbsp;playing&nbsp;&nbsp;Armada&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;water&nbsp;with<br>his&nbsp;friends,&nbsp;whose&nbsp;names&nbsp;were&nbsp;redacted&nbsp;at<br>Andrew's&nbsp;&nbsp;request,&nbsp;&nbsp;because&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>Captain&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;should&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;down&nbsp;with&nbsp;his<br>ship.<br><br>Andrew,&nbsp;kid,&nbsp;I&nbsp;salute&nbsp;your&nbsp;dedication.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>also&nbsp;&nbsp;understand&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;mother&nbsp;will<br>consider&nbsp;&nbsp;public&nbsp;service&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;boat&nbsp;dock<br>a&nbsp;suitable&nbsp;punishment.&nbsp;<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;punishment&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;river,&nbsp;we<br>heard&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;police&nbsp;about&nbsp;it&nbsp;all,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I<br>went&nbsp;down&nbsp;to&nbsp;check&nbsp;the&nbsp;pylon&nbsp;with&nbsp;my&nbsp;own<br>peepers&nbsp;and&nbsp;hoo&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;that&nbsp;bridge&nbsp;is&nbsp;going<br>to&nbsp;be&nbsp;closed&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;long&nbsp;while.&nbsp;For&nbsp;those<br>of&nbsp;you&nbsp;who&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;local,&nbsp;the&nbsp;Millers&nbsp;are<br>the&nbsp;town&nbsp;founders,&nbsp;and&nbsp;they&nbsp;run&nbsp;a&nbsp;logging<br>operation&nbsp;up&nbsp;the&nbsp;north&nbsp;side&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;river,<br>small&nbsp;time.&nbsp;Somehow,&nbsp;a&nbsp;log&nbsp;managed&nbsp;to&nbsp;get<br>knocked&nbsp;&nbsp;free&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Mill&nbsp;Pond&nbsp;by&nbsp;their<br>place,&nbsp;and&nbsp;floated&nbsp;its&nbsp;way&nbsp;downriver.&nbsp;&nbsp;It<br>did&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;number&nbsp;on&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;Northbridge,&nbsp;and<br>what&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;mean&nbsp;for&nbsp;us,&nbsp;my<br>readers?<br><br>Traffic.<br><br>We&nbsp;can&nbsp;only&nbsp;be&nbsp;grateful&nbsp;this&nbsp;all&nbsp;happened<br>before&nbsp;&nbsp;prime&nbsp;leaf&nbsp;peeper&nbsp;season,&nbsp;but&nbsp;you<br>all&nbsp;know&nbsp;how&nbsp;quickly&nbsp;the&nbsp;trees&nbsp;turn&nbsp;here.<br>Why,&nbsp;I&nbsp;saw&nbsp;some&nbsp;red&nbsp;leaves&nbsp;just&nbsp;the&nbsp;other<br>day&nbsp;while&nbsp;I&nbsp;was&nbsp;out&nbsp;walking&nbsp;with&nbsp;friends.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;nice&nbsp;construction<br>gentleman&nbsp;that&nbsp;they&nbsp;estimate&nbsp;repairs&nbsp;will<br>take&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;least&nbsp;three&nbsp;weeks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hope&nbsp;South-<br>bridge&nbsp;can&nbsp;handle&nbsp;the&nbsp;tourist&nbsp;traffic!
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==August 29, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;bring&nbsp;you<br>news&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;blind&nbsp;leading&nbsp;the&nbsp;lame.&nbsp;&nbsp;Mrs.<br>Hampton's&nbsp;old&nbsp;retriever,&nbsp;&nbsp;Samwise,&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>good&nbsp;old&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;he's&nbsp;been&nbsp;blind&nbsp;since<br>birth.&nbsp;&nbsp;Half-deaf&nbsp;at&nbsp;this&nbsp;age,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;but<br>as&nbsp;she&nbsp;tells&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;why,&nbsp;he&nbsp;took&nbsp;one&nbsp;gander<br>at&nbsp;the&nbsp;geese&nbsp;along&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;river&nbsp;&nbsp;bank&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>charged&nbsp;&nbsp;right&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;in,&nbsp;with&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Hampton,<br>perforce,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;attached.&nbsp;&nbsp;She&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;&nbsp;they're<br>both&nbsp;okay,&nbsp;no&nbsp;one&nbsp;was&nbsp;injured,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;she's<br>going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;keeping&nbsp;a&nbsp;closer&nbsp;eye&nbsp;out&nbsp;for<br>feathered&nbsp;fiends,&nbsp;because&nbsp;she&nbsp;could&nbsp;swear<br>those&nbsp;geese&nbsp;were&nbsp;laughing&nbsp;at&nbsp;them&nbsp;both.<br><br>I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;but&nbsp;at&nbsp;his&nbsp;age,&nbsp;I<br>think&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;be&nbsp;taking&nbsp;any&nbsp;opportunities&nbsp;for<br>fun&nbsp;that&nbsp;I&nbsp;could&nbsp;get.&nbsp;&nbsp;That&nbsp;does&nbsp;bring&nbsp;up<br>the&nbsp;question:&nbsp;do&nbsp;dogs&nbsp;have&nbsp;bucket&nbsp;lists?<br><br>From&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been&nbsp;able&nbsp;to&nbsp;gather,&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>Millers&nbsp;sure&nbsp;do.&nbsp;&nbsp;My&nbsp;sources&nbsp;tell&nbsp;me&nbsp;that<br>a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;was&nbsp;overheard&nbsp;saying<br>he'd&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;the&nbsp;head&nbsp;of&nbsp;whichever<br>miscreant&nbsp;damaged&nbsp;his&nbsp;mill&nbsp;pond&nbsp;in&nbsp;one.&nbsp;I<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;heads&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;platter,&nbsp;but<br>heads&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;bucket?&nbsp;&nbsp;That's&nbsp;new.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;sure&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;be&nbsp;hearing&nbsp;it&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;news<br>tonight,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;only<br>question&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;perpetrator&nbsp;is&nbsp;this:&nbsp;why<br>a&nbsp;bear&nbsp;coat?&nbsp;&nbsp;Staying&nbsp;far&nbsp;enough&nbsp;from&nbsp;the<br>cameras&nbsp;to&nbsp;keep&nbsp;it&nbsp;blurry&nbsp;was&nbsp;just&nbsp;smart,<br>but&nbsp;bears&nbsp;don't&nbsp;use&nbsp;chain-cutters.<br><br>Johnny&nbsp;Miller's&nbsp;offering&nbsp;a&nbsp;reward&nbsp;to&nbsp;any-<br>one&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;help&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;family&nbsp;find&nbsp;the<br>perpetrator.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;perpetrators...&nbsp;Thank&nbsp;&nbsp;you,<br>anonymous&nbsp;survey-writer,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;amusing&nbsp;our<br>tourists.&nbsp;&nbsp;In&nbsp;case&nbsp;you&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;come&nbsp;across<br>any&nbsp;examples&nbsp;before&nbsp;town&nbsp;authorities&nbsp;took<br>them&nbsp;down,&nbsp;readers,&nbsp;let&nbsp;me&nbsp;share&nbsp;with&nbsp;you<br>a&nbsp;small&nbsp;handful&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;questions&nbsp;tourists<br>found&nbsp;themselves&nbsp;asked:<br><br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Do&nbsp;you&nbsp;find&nbsp;&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls&nbsp;&nbsp;A)&nbsp;boring<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;get-out,&nbsp;&nbsp;B)&nbsp;lost&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;past,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;C)&nbsp;depressingly&nbsp;far&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;mall,&nbsp;&nbsp;or<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;D)&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;nincompoops&nbsp;(good&nbsp;word&nbsp;use)<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;nitwits?<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;If&nbsp;your&nbsp;car&nbsp;is&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;stuck&nbsp;in&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;place&nbsp;with&nbsp;no&nbsp;cell&nbsp;reception,&nbsp;where&nbsp;do<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;think&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;be?&nbsp;&nbsp;A)&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;road&nbsp;in<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;middle&nbsp;of&nbsp;town,&nbsp;B)&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;top&nbsp;of&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;mountain&nbsp;&nbsp;surrounded&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;people&nbsp;whose<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;phones&nbsp;work&nbsp;just&nbsp;fine,&nbsp;or&nbsp;C)&nbsp;lost&nbsp;in&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;farm&nbsp;&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;maple&nbsp;trees,&nbsp;surrounded<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;witches?<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Which&nbsp;festival&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;most&nbsp;annoying?<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A)&nbsp;apples,&nbsp;B)&nbsp;pumpkin,&nbsp;C)&nbsp;more&nbsp;apples,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;D)&nbsp;even&nbsp;more&nbsp;apples?<br><br>My&nbsp;&nbsp;answers,&nbsp;&nbsp;needless&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;say,&nbsp;are&nbsp;C,&nbsp;C,<br>and&nbsp;how&nbsp;can&nbsp;you&nbsp;not&nbsp;like&nbsp;apples?
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==September 05, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;would&nbsp;like<br>to&nbsp;thank&nbsp;the&nbsp;mysterious&nbsp;stranger&nbsp;who&nbsp;sent<br>me&nbsp;this&nbsp;darling&nbsp;little&nbsp;card.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;message<br>inside&nbsp;of&nbsp;it&nbsp;is,&nbsp;regrettably,&nbsp;unprintable<br>even&nbsp;with&nbsp;convenient&nbsp;asterisks,&nbsp;so&nbsp;I&nbsp;will<br>not&nbsp;be&nbsp;able&nbsp;to&nbsp;share&nbsp;the&nbsp;details&nbsp;with&nbsp;the<br>public,&nbsp;but&nbsp;my&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdies&nbsp;tell&nbsp;me&nbsp;I'm<br>far&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;only&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;received<br>one.&nbsp;Drunken&nbsp;cats&nbsp;on&nbsp;all&nbsp;of&nbsp;them,&nbsp;and&nbsp;all<br>of&nbsp;them&nbsp;hand&nbsp;drawn.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kudos,&nbsp;stranger.&nbsp;You<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;talent,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;heck&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;<br>mouth&nbsp;on&nbsp;you.<br><br>The&nbsp;Game&nbsp;Warden,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;has&nbsp;quite&nbsp;the&nbsp;swear<br>jar-worthy&nbsp;vocabulary.&nbsp;&nbsp;Missy&nbsp;Lewis&nbsp;&nbsp;says<br>she&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;him&nbsp;swearing&nbsp;up&nbsp;a&nbsp;blue&nbsp;streak<br>the&nbsp;other&nbsp;day&nbsp;after&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;back&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;his<br>hut&nbsp;to&nbsp;find&nbsp;a&nbsp;crate&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;rotting&nbsp;fish,<br>stinking&nbsp;the&nbsp;place&nbsp;up.&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;note&nbsp;was&nbsp;pinned<br>to&nbsp;it,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;to&nbsp;apologize&nbsp;for&nbsp;catching&nbsp;the<br>fish&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;season.<br><br>In&nbsp;&nbsp;happier&nbsp;news,&nbsp;welcome&nbsp;back&nbsp;to&nbsp;school,<br>kids!&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;it&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;seem&nbsp;like&nbsp;it&nbsp;now,<br>but&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;day,&nbsp;&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;&nbsp;look&nbsp;back&nbsp;on&nbsp;these<br>years&nbsp;and&nbsp;wonder&nbsp;&nbsp;why&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;ever&nbsp;wanted&nbsp;to<br>grow&nbsp;up...unless&nbsp;you're&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;certain&nbsp;8&nbsp;year<br>old&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;spoke&nbsp;to&nbsp;this&nbsp;past&nbsp;week,&nbsp;who&nbsp;wants<br>the&nbsp;her&nbsp;big&nbsp;&nbsp;brother&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;girlfriend<br>to&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;nearly&nbsp;&nbsp;quiet<br>enough&nbsp;about&nbsp;their&nbsp;nocturnal&nbsp;&nbsp;adventures,<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;she&nbsp;found&nbsp;a&nbsp;pair&nbsp;of&nbsp;smiley-face<br>panties&nbsp;under&nbsp;the&nbsp;couch&nbsp;cushions.<br><br>Her&nbsp;prices&nbsp;to&nbsp;return&nbsp;them&nbsp;are&nbsp;negotiable.<br>For&nbsp;full&nbsp;disclosure,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;paid&nbsp;two<br>chocolate&nbsp;and&nbsp;cinnamon&nbsp;bonbons&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;so.<br><br>What&nbsp;are&nbsp;your&nbsp;plans&nbsp;for&nbsp;this&nbsp;school&nbsp;year,<br>kids?&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;see&nbsp;&nbsp;your<br>teachers&nbsp;teach?&nbsp;&nbsp;Let&nbsp;me&nbsp;know!&nbsp;You&nbsp;may&nbsp;end<br>up&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper.
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==September 12, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;votes<br>are&nbsp;in.&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Times<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;taken&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;look-see&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;the<br>children&nbsp;wrote,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;here&nbsp;are&nbsp;the&nbsp;top&nbsp;ten<br>requests&nbsp;for&nbsp;teachers&nbsp;from&nbsp;grades&nbsp;4-12:<br><br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Ninja&nbsp;Class&nbsp;(Samson,&nbsp;age&nbsp;10)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;How&nbsp;To&nbsp;Fly&nbsp;(Del,&nbsp;age&nbsp;11)&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Superhero&nbsp;Lessons&nbsp;(Mariah,&nbsp;age&nbsp;11)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;How&nbsp;To&nbsp;Endure&nbsp;Siblings&nbsp;(Ted,&nbsp;age&nbsp;14)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;How&nbsp;To&nbsp;Paint&nbsp;It&nbsp;Black&nbsp;(Blake,&nbsp;age&nbsp;16)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;The&nbsp;Effects&nbsp;Of&nbsp;Cow&nbsp;Farts&nbsp;(Amy,&nbsp;age&nbsp;13)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Nap&nbsp;Period&nbsp;(Melinda,&nbsp;age&nbsp;18)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Comparative&nbsp;Fishing&nbsp;(Jason,&nbsp;age&nbsp;15)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Matrix&nbsp;Code&nbsp;(Emilia,&nbsp;age&nbsp;17)<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;How&nbsp;To&nbsp;Be&nbsp;A&nbsp;God&nbsp;(Renbo,&nbsp;age&nbsp;9)<br><br>Alright,&nbsp;teachers.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;your&nbsp;lesson<br>goals.&nbsp;&nbsp;Get&nbsp;crackin'!<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;school,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;hot<br>gossip&nbsp;from&nbsp;Patterson&nbsp;Middle&nbsp;School,&nbsp;this<br>week.&nbsp;&nbsp;It&nbsp;&nbsp;seems&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;nail&nbsp;&nbsp;polish&nbsp;&nbsp;has<br>become&nbsp;a&nbsp;source&nbsp;of&nbsp;contention&nbsp;among&nbsp;gangs<br>of&nbsp;students&nbsp;in&nbsp;different&nbsp;Houses.&nbsp;See,&nbsp;the<br>girls&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;boys&nbsp;&nbsp;alike&nbsp;&nbsp;decided&nbsp;on&nbsp;House<br>Colors&nbsp;after&nbsp;a&nbsp;poll&nbsp;&nbsp;last&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;this<br>week,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;three<br>locker&nbsp;fights,&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;&nbsp;swirlies&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;half<br>dozen&nbsp;arguments&nbsp;about&nbsp;girls&nbsp;AND&nbsp;boys&nbsp;&nbsp;who<br>wore&nbsp;the&nbsp;wrong&nbsp;colors&nbsp;to&nbsp;school.<br><br>Kids,&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;color&nbsp;of&nbsp;your&nbsp;fingernails<br>remain&nbsp;the&nbsp;biggest&nbsp;problem&nbsp;in&nbsp;your&nbsp;lives.<br>Also,&nbsp;&nbsp;watch&nbsp;&nbsp;out.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;went&nbsp;to&nbsp;high&nbsp;school<br>with&nbsp;your&nbsp;Principal,&nbsp;and&nbsp;he's&nbsp;a&nbsp;tough&nbsp;guy<br>to&nbsp;convince.<br><br>Following&nbsp;the&nbsp;colorful&nbsp;trend,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;that<br>some&nbsp;congratulations&nbsp;are&nbsp;in&nbsp;order,&nbsp;Bobby!<br>Marilyn&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;bait&nbsp;shop&nbsp;says&nbsp;you<br>caught&nbsp;yourself&nbsp;a&nbsp;record-setting&nbsp;&nbsp;rainbow<br>trout.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;let&nbsp;that&nbsp;shark&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>lake&nbsp;eat&nbsp;it.<br><br>For&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;matter,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;&nbsp;avoid&nbsp;the&nbsp;lake&nbsp;at<br>the&nbsp;moment,&nbsp;&nbsp;period.&nbsp;&nbsp;How&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;earth&nbsp;would<br>a&nbsp;shark&nbsp;that&nbsp;size&nbsp;GET&nbsp;there?
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==September 19, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;be&nbsp;talking<br>like&nbsp;a&nbsp;sea-dog&nbsp;rapscallion,&nbsp;yarrr.&nbsp;&nbsp;Happy<br>Talk&nbsp;Like&nbsp;A&nbsp;Pirate&nbsp;Day,&nbsp;folks!&nbsp;Seems&nbsp;like<br>someone&nbsp;was&nbsp;getting&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;spirit&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit<br>early:&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;grapevine&nbsp;that&nbsp;a<br>silver&nbsp;chalice&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;stolen&nbsp;from&nbsp;the<br>North&nbsp;Cathedral&nbsp;just&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;day,&nbsp;right<br>out&nbsp;from&nbsp;under&nbsp;the&nbsp;noses&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;priests.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;condone&nbsp;theft,&nbsp;much&nbsp;less&nbsp;the<br>theft&nbsp;of&nbsp;holy&nbsp;items&nbsp;from&nbsp;churches,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I<br>have&nbsp;to&nbsp;say,&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;who'd&nbsp;do&nbsp;it&nbsp;had&nbsp;best<br>watch&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;lightning.&nbsp;&nbsp;We'll&nbsp;&nbsp;be<br>watching,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;so&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;find&nbsp;the&nbsp;crispy<br>critter.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;told&nbsp;that&nbsp;teachers&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;Patterson<br>are&nbsp;starting&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;"zap"&nbsp;the&nbsp;students&nbsp;with<br>new&nbsp;&nbsp;rules&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;House&nbsp;&nbsp;conduct,&nbsp;too...<br><br>The&nbsp;pirate&nbsp;&nbsp;hats&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;feathers&nbsp;in&nbsp;House<br>colors&nbsp;WERE&nbsp;a&nbsp;clever&nbsp;touch,&nbsp;however.<br><br>Is&nbsp;everyone&nbsp;ready&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;apple&nbsp;festival<br>next&nbsp;week?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;good&nbsp;ole'&nbsp;Mayor<br>Jack&nbsp;&nbsp;himself&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;asked&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>judging&nbsp;&nbsp;committee&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;pies.&nbsp;&nbsp;Jack,<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;count&nbsp;on&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;record<br>each&nbsp;and&nbsp;every&nbsp;funny&nbsp;expression&nbsp;you&nbsp;make.<br>For&nbsp;posterity.&nbsp;What&nbsp;else&nbsp;are&nbsp;friends&nbsp;for?<br><br>Last&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;&nbsp;least,&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;slightly&nbsp;more<br>disturbing&nbsp;note,&nbsp;&nbsp;remember&nbsp;the&nbsp;Recyclable<br>Armada&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;weeks&nbsp;&nbsp;past?&nbsp;&nbsp;Well,&nbsp;I<br>was&nbsp;&nbsp;talking&nbsp;to&nbsp;Andrew&nbsp;and&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;friends&nbsp;a<br>few&nbsp;days&nbsp;&nbsp;ago,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;wanted&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;let<br>you&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;that&nbsp;they've&nbsp;decided&nbsp;to&nbsp;stop<br>using&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;river&nbsp;for&nbsp;their&nbsp;Naval&nbsp;battles.<br>He&nbsp;&nbsp;saw&nbsp;&nbsp;"someone&nbsp;really&nbsp;creepy&nbsp;and&nbsp;pale"<br>watching&nbsp;them&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;night,&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;other<br>side&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;river,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;want&nbsp;his<br>mother&nbsp;to&nbsp;worry&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;him&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;missing<br>too.
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==September 26, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;sure&nbsp;we<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;seen&nbsp;the&nbsp;Sixers'&nbsp;flyers&nbsp;posted<br>around&nbsp;town.&nbsp;&nbsp;To&nbsp;&nbsp;them,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;say:&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you<br>for&nbsp;keeping&nbsp;Crops&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bobbers&nbsp;in&nbsp;business<br>for&nbsp;another&nbsp;month.&nbsp;&nbsp;Thirteen&nbsp;grandmothers<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;retirees&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;dyed&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;hair&nbsp;neon<br>pink&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;to,&nbsp;I&nbsp;quote,&nbsp;"show&nbsp;that<br>green-haired&nbsp;&nbsp;hussy&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;real&nbsp;&nbsp;woman<br>should&nbsp;wear."<br><br>Ladies,&nbsp;&nbsp;ladies,&nbsp;&nbsp;please&nbsp;get&nbsp;your&nbsp;sources<br>straight.&nbsp;&nbsp;My&nbsp;&nbsp;hair&nbsp;is&nbsp;Tahitian&nbsp;Teal&nbsp;this<br>time&nbsp;&nbsp;around.&nbsp;&nbsp;Acid&nbsp;&nbsp;green&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;last<br>season.&nbsp;&nbsp;Secondly,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;believe&nbsp;that&nbsp;we<br>are&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;real&nbsp;&nbsp;women,&nbsp;making&nbsp;&nbsp;choices&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>our&nbsp;own,&nbsp;&nbsp;without&nbsp;being&nbsp;condemned&nbsp;for&nbsp;it.<br>Number&nbsp;Six&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;wonderful&nbsp;adversary&nbsp;with<br>excellent&nbsp;taste&nbsp;in&nbsp;typewriters.&nbsp;The&nbsp;least<br>you&nbsp;can&nbsp;do&nbsp;is&nbsp;live&nbsp;up&nbsp;to&nbsp;his&nbsp;legacy.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;legacies,&nbsp;Tommy&nbsp;Attenborough<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;best&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;start&nbsp;&nbsp;worrying&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;his.<br>Cheating&nbsp;in&nbsp;an&nbsp;apple&nbsp;pie&nbsp;contest?&nbsp;Really?<br>Stop&nbsp;on&nbsp;by&nbsp;my&nbsp;place,&nbsp;Tommy,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;show<br>you&nbsp;how&nbsp;to&nbsp;bake&nbsp;a&nbsp;crust&nbsp;from&nbsp;scratch.&nbsp;You<br>don't&nbsp;even&nbsp;need&nbsp;to&nbsp;bribe&nbsp;me&nbsp;with&nbsp;bonbons.<br><br>I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;that&nbsp;Ricky&nbsp;Lambert,&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;west&nbsp;valley&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;old&nbsp;orchards,&nbsp;had<br>quite&nbsp;the&nbsp;shock,&nbsp;&nbsp;himself.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;&nbsp;swears&nbsp;he<br>didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;anything&nbsp;to&nbsp;his&nbsp;pumpkin&nbsp;patch,<br>but&nbsp;between&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;day&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;next,&nbsp;his<br>prize-winning&nbsp;&nbsp;sugar&nbsp;&nbsp;pumpkins&nbsp;supposedly<br>grew&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;few&nbsp;hundred&nbsp;pounds&nbsp;larger.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now,<br>Ricky,&nbsp;honey.&nbsp;&nbsp;Are&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;sure&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;didn't<br>just&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;leaves&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;fruit?&nbsp;&nbsp;You<br>know&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;big&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;are,&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;well&nbsp;they<br>can&nbsp;hide&nbsp;them.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;not,&nbsp;tell&nbsp;me:&nbsp;did&nbsp;you<br>do&nbsp;anything&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;make&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;witch&nbsp;happy&nbsp;with<br>you,&nbsp;lately?&nbsp;&nbsp;Spare&nbsp;any&nbsp;black&nbsp;cats?<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;real&nbsp;&nbsp;question&nbsp;&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;how&nbsp;many&nbsp;of<br>your&nbsp;&nbsp;prize-winning&nbsp;&nbsp;pumpkin&nbsp;&nbsp;pies&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;<br>be&nbsp;baking&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;that&nbsp;pumpkin's&nbsp;meat,&nbsp;and<br>whether&nbsp;or&nbsp;not&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;be&nbsp;sharing&nbsp;any&nbsp;with<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;hard-working&nbsp;&nbsp;professionals&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;at<br>the&nbsp;Times...
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==October 3, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;weather<br>may&nbsp;be&nbsp;gloomy,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;trees&nbsp;are&nbsp;glorious<br>and&nbsp;full.&nbsp;&nbsp;God,&nbsp;I&nbsp;love&nbsp;our&nbsp;state&nbsp;in&nbsp;Fall.<br>Don't&nbsp;forget&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;your&nbsp;snow&nbsp;tires&nbsp;early<br>on,&nbsp;folks.&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;fiery&nbsp;trees&nbsp;&nbsp;mean<br>frosty&nbsp;eaves,&nbsp;soon&nbsp;enough.<br><br>We've&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;quiet&nbsp;week,&nbsp;for&nbsp;which&nbsp;I&nbsp;am<br>thankful,&nbsp;and&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;anonymous<br>letter-writer,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;response.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>couldn't&nbsp;agree&nbsp;more.<br><br>Everyone&nbsp;ready&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;Halloween&nbsp;festival<br>coming&nbsp;up?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;they're&nbsp;selecting<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;judges&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;costume&nbsp;competition<br>any&nbsp;day&nbsp;&nbsp;now,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;Mayor&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>list.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;think,&nbsp;Jack?&nbsp;&nbsp;Feeling<br>judgmental?<br><br>Missy&nbsp;Lefevre&nbsp;&nbsp;came&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;tea&nbsp;with&nbsp;me&nbsp;the<br>other&nbsp;day,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;there&nbsp;are&nbsp;congrat-<br>ulations&nbsp;due.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kudos,&nbsp;&nbsp;Missy,&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;getting<br>your&nbsp;&nbsp;fourth&nbsp;book&nbsp;&nbsp;published.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;read<br>them&nbsp;&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;say,&nbsp;your<br>imagination&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;really&nbsp;something.&nbsp;&nbsp;Realms<br>like&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;seem&nbsp;mighty&nbsp;terrifying&nbsp;to&nbsp;this<br>mere&nbsp;mortal,&nbsp;but&nbsp;gods&nbsp;are&nbsp;gods.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>For&nbsp;those&nbsp;of&nbsp;you&nbsp;who&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;into&nbsp;specula-<br>tive&nbsp;fiction,&nbsp;try&nbsp;this&nbsp;on&nbsp;for&nbsp;size:&nbsp;three<br>tourists&nbsp;were&nbsp;caught&nbsp;this&nbsp;past&nbsp;Tuesday&nbsp;by<br>the&nbsp;cliff,&nbsp;getting&nbsp;ready&nbsp;to&nbsp;try&nbsp;going&nbsp;off<br>the&nbsp;edge&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;home&nbsp;made&nbsp;barrel.<br><br>People,&nbsp;people,&nbsp;people,&nbsp;think&nbsp;here.&nbsp;&nbsp;That<br>cliff&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;least&nbsp;two&nbsp;hundred&nbsp;feet,&nbsp;and<br>anyone&nbsp;who&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;gone&nbsp;down&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;preserve<br>by&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;base&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;'falls&nbsp;will&nbsp;know&nbsp;how<br>many&nbsp;&nbsp;rocks&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;&nbsp;are.&nbsp;&nbsp;Please&nbsp;.&nbsp;&nbsp;Don't<br>throw&nbsp;your&nbsp;life&nbsp;away.&nbsp;&nbsp;Study&nbsp;the&nbsp;physics,<br>for&nbsp;&nbsp;Pete's&nbsp;&nbsp;sake.&nbsp;&nbsp;Even&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;that,&nbsp;and<br>I&nbsp;managed&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;fail&nbsp;middle&nbsp;school&nbsp;science<br>classes&nbsp;twice.&nbsp;&nbsp;Word&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;wise:&nbsp;tanking<br>your&nbsp;&nbsp;own&nbsp;&nbsp;grade&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;try&nbsp;getting&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;a<br>class&nbsp;so&nbsp;you&nbsp;won't&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;dissect&nbsp;frogs<br>is&nbsp;a&nbsp;bad&nbsp;plan.&nbsp;&nbsp;Doesn't&nbsp;work.
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==October 10, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;our-<br>selves&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;sticky&nbsp;&nbsp;situation,&nbsp;folks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Not<br>naming&nbsp;names,&nbsp;but&nbsp;SOMEbody&nbsp;managed&nbsp;to&nbsp;ram<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;truck&nbsp;&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;maple&nbsp;syrup&nbsp;jugs&nbsp;into&nbsp;a<br>tree&nbsp;on&nbsp;his&nbsp;way&nbsp;toward&nbsp;the&nbsp;market,&nbsp;and&nbsp;it<br>smells&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;road&nbsp;should&nbsp;be&nbsp;getting<br>out&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;griddle&nbsp;to&nbsp;start&nbsp;making&nbsp;pancakes<br>even&nbsp;after&nbsp;all&nbsp;that&nbsp;rain.<br><br>Let&nbsp;&nbsp;us&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;you&nbsp;survive,&nbsp;mysterious<br>syrup-meister.&nbsp;&nbsp;Your&nbsp;&nbsp;uncle&nbsp;may&nbsp;never&nbsp;let<br>you&nbsp;see&nbsp;the&nbsp;light&nbsp;of&nbsp;day&nbsp;again&nbsp;after&nbsp;this<br>one.<br><br>On&nbsp;&nbsp;lighter&nbsp;news,&nbsp;I&nbsp;was&nbsp;out&nbsp;and&nbsp;about&nbsp;the<br>other&nbsp;day,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;did&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;but&nbsp;that<br>we&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;romance&nbsp;in&nbsp;town,&nbsp;&nbsp;worthy&nbsp;of<br>a&nbsp;Hallmark&nbsp;movie,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;all&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been<br>told.&nbsp;&nbsp;Dr.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kensington,&nbsp;&nbsp;Miss&nbsp;&nbsp;Claire,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>hope&nbsp;you&nbsp;both&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;very&nbsp;happy&nbsp;together<br>here&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;&nbsp;Falls.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;spleen<br>ever&nbsp;starts&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;fall&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;my&nbsp;whatever,<br>I&nbsp;know&nbsp;whom&nbsp;to&nbsp;call!<br><br>Now&nbsp;there's&nbsp;a&nbsp;question:&nbsp;&nbsp;CAN&nbsp;one's&nbsp;spleen<br>fall&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;one's&nbsp;whatever?&nbsp;&nbsp;Here's&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>second:&nbsp;where&nbsp;IS&nbsp;your&nbsp;spleen?&nbsp;&nbsp;In&nbsp;the&nbsp;old<br>days,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;have&nbsp;said,&nbsp;"Go&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;library!"<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;find&nbsp;it&nbsp;out,&nbsp;but&nbsp;let's&nbsp;make&nbsp;this&nbsp;more<br>fun.&nbsp;&nbsp;First&nbsp;&nbsp;person&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;call&nbsp;in&nbsp;with&nbsp;the<br>right&nbsp;answer&nbsp;gets&nbsp;their&nbsp;name&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper<br>next&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>While&nbsp;&nbsp;we're&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;spleens,&nbsp;I<br>will&nbsp;give&nbsp;&nbsp;bonus&nbsp;points&nbsp;to&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;who&nbsp;can<br>share&nbsp;just&nbsp;what&nbsp;your&nbsp;spleen&nbsp;does,&nbsp;and&nbsp;why<br>we&nbsp;vent&nbsp;them&nbsp;at&nbsp;each&nbsp;other.
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==October 17, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;am&nbsp;pleased<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;announce&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;forty-seven<br>would-be&nbsp;&nbsp;spleen&nbsp;sleuths,&nbsp;but&nbsp;only&nbsp;six&nbsp;of<br>them&nbsp;got&nbsp;the&nbsp;question&nbsp;right.&nbsp;&nbsp;Thanks,&nbsp;Dr.<br>Kensington!<br><br>Kudos&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;Anne&nbsp;Fry,&nbsp;Ninatt&nbsp;Kolshovik,&nbsp;<br>Adam&nbsp;Mundy,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Jake&nbsp;Raymond,&nbsp;&nbsp;Leigh&nbsp;Irving<br>and&nbsp;Casey&nbsp;McMasters.<br><br>To&nbsp;answer&nbsp;the&nbsp;bonus&nbsp;question,&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;your<br>spleen&nbsp;helps&nbsp;filter&nbsp;blood,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;no,&nbsp;it&nbsp;is<br>not&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;ventilation&nbsp;system.&nbsp;&nbsp;In&nbsp;the&nbsp;olden<br>days,&nbsp;shortly&nbsp;&nbsp;before&nbsp;troglodytes&nbsp;such&nbsp;as<br>yours&nbsp;truly&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;&nbsp;born,&nbsp;we&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;know&nbsp;a<br>whole&nbsp;&nbsp;lot&nbsp;about&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;giblets&nbsp;did&nbsp;to<br>keep&nbsp;us&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;alive.&nbsp;Look&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;the&nbsp;'humors'<br>if&nbsp;&nbsp;you're&nbsp;curious,&nbsp;but&nbsp;long&nbsp;story&nbsp;short,<br>your&nbsp;spleen&nbsp;&nbsp;used&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;hold&nbsp;your&nbsp;ill&nbsp;humor<br>and&nbsp;melancholy,&nbsp;and&nbsp;sometimes,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;just<br>had&nbsp;to&nbsp;let&nbsp;all&nbsp;of&nbsp;that&nbsp;bad&nbsp;air&nbsp;out.<br><br>No,&nbsp;Johnny,&nbsp;that&nbsp;is&nbsp;not&nbsp;the&nbsp;same&nbsp;thing&nbsp;as<br>crop-dusting&nbsp;the&nbsp;entire&nbsp;row&nbsp;behind&nbsp;you&nbsp;at<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;movie&nbsp;&nbsp;theater&nbsp;&nbsp;last&nbsp;Saturday.&nbsp;&nbsp;This&nbsp;<br>rumour&nbsp;&nbsp;brought&nbsp;to&nbsp;you&nbsp;by&nbsp;Johnny's&nbsp;cousin<br>Gloria,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;requested&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;I&nbsp;state&nbsp;she<br>feels&nbsp;&nbsp;no&nbsp;shame&nbsp;in&nbsp;calling&nbsp;him&nbsp;out&nbsp;due&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;severe&nbsp;&nbsp;olfactory&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;trauma&nbsp;&nbsp;suffered<br>during&nbsp;the&nbsp;incident.<br><br>Halloween&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;coming&nbsp;up,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;is<br>starting&nbsp;to&nbsp;look&nbsp;&nbsp;mighty&nbsp;spooky&nbsp;at&nbsp;night.<br>Don't&nbsp;&nbsp;forget&nbsp;to&nbsp;start&nbsp;prepping&nbsp;your&nbsp;snow<br>gear,&nbsp;just&nbsp;in&nbsp;case.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;of&nbsp;two&nbsp;people<br>I&nbsp;could&nbsp;mention,&nbsp;but&nbsp;won't,&nbsp;who&nbsp;regretted<br>it&nbsp;last&nbsp;year&nbsp;and&nbsp;asked&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;remind&nbsp;them.<br><br>Consider&nbsp;yourselves&nbsp;reminded!<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;there&nbsp;was&nbsp;some&nbsp;drama&nbsp;at&nbsp;the<br>festival&nbsp;committee&nbsp;meeting,&nbsp;too.&nbsp;Shame&nbsp;on<br>you,&nbsp;&nbsp;Harold,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;letting&nbsp;that&nbsp;tarantula<br>loose&nbsp;around&nbsp;Amazons&nbsp;like&nbsp;Henrietta&nbsp;Klein<br>and&nbsp;Patty&nbsp;Small.&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;its&nbsp;last&nbsp;meal&nbsp;was<br>a&nbsp;good&nbsp;one.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;it&nbsp;starts&nbsp;pouring&nbsp;buckets<br>of&nbsp;rain&nbsp;on&nbsp;us,&nbsp;we'll&nbsp;know&nbsp;whom&nbsp;to&nbsp;blame.
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==October 24, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we&nbsp;are&nbsp;reap-<br>ing&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;fruit&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;last&nbsp;week's&nbsp;tarantula<br>slaughtering&nbsp;&nbsp;incident.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let's&nbsp;&nbsp;hope&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>weather&nbsp;&nbsp;clears&nbsp;&nbsp;before&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;festivities<br>next&nbsp;week&nbsp;,&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;will&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;soggy<br>Spook-a-Thon.&nbsp;<br><br>If&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;tried&nbsp;it&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;heartily<br>suggest&nbsp;&nbsp;attempting&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;corn&nbsp;&nbsp;maze&nbsp;down<br>by&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;airport.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;drive<br>for&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;us&nbsp;up&nbsp;here&nbsp;in&nbsp;town,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the<br>carnival&nbsp;team&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;really&nbsp;&nbsp;outdone&nbsp;them-<br>selves&nbsp;this&nbsp;year&nbsp;with&nbsp;the&nbsp;decorations.&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>hear&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;dress&nbsp;up&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;zombie<br>and&nbsp;scare&nbsp;the&nbsp;ever-living&nbsp;&nbsp;daylights&nbsp;&nbsp;out<br>of&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;friends,&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't<br>know&nbsp;anything&nbsp;about&nbsp;doing&nbsp;that&nbsp;myself.<br><br>Don't&nbsp;listen&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;Christopher&nbsp;Higgins.&nbsp;&nbsp;He<br>clearly&nbsp;&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;&nbsp;watched&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;&nbsp;monster<br>movies,&nbsp;since&nbsp;he&nbsp;walked&nbsp;around&nbsp;the&nbsp;corner<br>and&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;even&nbsp;LOOK.<br><br>Molly,&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;apologies&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>dirty&nbsp;laundry.<br><br>In&nbsp;less&nbsp;frightening&nbsp;&nbsp;news,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;we&nbsp;have<br>a&nbsp;new&nbsp;crusader&nbsp;zooming&nbsp;around&nbsp;town.&nbsp;&nbsp;Does<br>wearing&nbsp;a&nbsp;cape&nbsp;make&nbsp;him&nbsp;a&nbsp;superhero?&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm<br>assuming&nbsp;it's&nbsp;a&nbsp;he,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;do&nbsp;forgive&nbsp;me&nbsp;if<br>I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;wrong,&nbsp;&nbsp;noble&nbsp;hero,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;keep&nbsp;up&nbsp;the<br>good&nbsp;&nbsp;work&nbsp;&nbsp;writing&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;wrongs&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>townsfolk.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;read&nbsp;that&nbsp;correctly:&nbsp;this<br>hero&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;leaving&nbsp;&nbsp;those&nbsp;little<br>paper&nbsp;pyramids&nbsp;on&nbsp;doorsteps.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>had&nbsp;some&nbsp;recycling&nbsp;in&nbsp;my&nbsp;garbage&nbsp;bin&nbsp;this<br>week,&nbsp;for&nbsp;which&nbsp;I&nbsp;apologize,&nbsp;hero.<br><br>If&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;&nbsp;else&nbsp;would&nbsp;like&nbsp;a&nbsp;public&nbsp;forum<br>to&nbsp;air&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;sins,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Times<br>Gossip&nbsp;Column&nbsp;would&nbsp;be&nbsp;happy&nbsp;to&nbsp;assist...
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==October 31, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;unsurprising<br>to&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;who&nbsp;knows&nbsp;humanity,&nbsp;we&nbsp;actually<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;fair&nbsp;number&nbsp;of&nbsp;people&nbsp;wanting&nbsp;to<br>air&nbsp;the&nbsp;caped&nbsp;hero's&nbsp;sin-notes.<br><br>For&nbsp;politeness'&nbsp;sake,&nbsp;&nbsp;names&nbsp;will&nbsp;be&nbsp;left<br>out.&nbsp;&nbsp;They&nbsp;know&nbsp;who&nbsp;they&nbsp;are.<br><br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Left&nbsp;a&nbsp;grocery&nbsp;bag&nbsp;on&nbsp;her&nbsp;porch,&nbsp;which<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;blew&nbsp;away&nbsp;and&nbsp;got&nbsp;stuck&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;tree.&nbsp;She<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;hero&nbsp;to&nbsp;know&nbsp;that&nbsp;she<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;did&nbsp;mean&nbsp;to&nbsp;pick&nbsp;it&nbsp;up&nbsp;again,&nbsp;but&nbsp;for-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;grab&nbsp;it&nbsp;after&nbsp;finding&nbsp;out&nbsp;that<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;cat&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;shredded&nbsp;&nbsp;three&nbsp;sets&nbsp;of<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;furniture&nbsp;upholstery,&nbsp;then&nbsp;vomited&nbsp;all<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;it.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Danced&nbsp;naked&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;back&nbsp;yard.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;close&nbsp;&nbsp;curtains&nbsp;while&nbsp;neighbor<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;dancing&nbsp;naked&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;back&nbsp;yard.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;help&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;little&nbsp;old&nbsp;lady&nbsp;cross<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;street&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;she&nbsp;was&nbsp;struggling&nbsp;to<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;haul&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;bag&nbsp;of&nbsp;groceries&nbsp;around.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;glad&nbsp;&nbsp;nobody&nbsp;suggested&nbsp;that&nbsp;I&nbsp;was<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;little&nbsp;old&nbsp;lady,&nbsp;this&nbsp;time!<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Three&nbsp;separate&nbsp;people&nbsp;received&nbsp;bluejay<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;notes&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;that&nbsp;they&nbsp;had&nbsp;jaywalked.<br><br>On&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;different&nbsp;note,&nbsp;&nbsp;happy&nbsp;&nbsp;Halloween,<br>folks!&nbsp;&nbsp;Keep&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;safe&nbsp;out&nbsp;&nbsp;there,&nbsp;and&nbsp;if<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;any&nbsp;extra&nbsp;cinnamon&nbsp;bon-bons&nbsp;you<br>can't&nbsp;find&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;home&nbsp;for,&nbsp;you&nbsp;know&nbsp;where&nbsp;to<br>send&nbsp;them.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;able&nbsp;to&nbsp;learn&nbsp;whether&nbsp;or<br>not&nbsp;this&nbsp;one&nbsp;is&nbsp;true,&nbsp;but&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;too&nbsp;good<br>to&nbsp;resist&nbsp;putting&nbsp;into&nbsp;the&nbsp;column.&nbsp;&nbsp;There<br>may&nbsp;or&nbsp;may&nbsp;not&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;a&nbsp;Thriller&nbsp;flash<br>mob&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;gas&nbsp;station&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;city,<br>which&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;sorry&nbsp;I&nbsp;missed,&nbsp;if&nbsp;it&nbsp;did&nbsp;occur<br>at&nbsp;all...&nbsp;What&nbsp;fun&nbsp;event&nbsp;these&nbsp;days&nbsp;isn't<br>captured&nbsp;on&nbsp;ANY&nbsp;smartphones?<br><br>Karen,&nbsp;capturing&nbsp;fewer&nbsp;people&nbsp;on&nbsp;your&nbsp;own<br>smartphone&nbsp;would&nbsp;make&nbsp;your&nbsp;mother's&nbsp;China<br>plates&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;happier&nbsp;in&nbsp;future.&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;little<br>birdy&nbsp;tells&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;&nbsp;they're&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;pieces<br>than&nbsp;Adam's&nbsp;attempt&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;building&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;shed<br>out&nbsp;of&nbsp;scrap&nbsp;wood.
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==November 07, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;hope&nbsp;you<br>are&nbsp;all&nbsp;floating&nbsp;along&nbsp;the&nbsp;happy&nbsp;river&nbsp;of<br>after-Halloween&nbsp;chocolate&nbsp;sales.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;know<br>I&nbsp;am.<br><br>In&nbsp;more&nbsp;serious&nbsp;news,&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Toby&nbsp;Baggins&nbsp;of<br>Bag-End&nbsp;&nbsp;Enterprises&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>inform&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;can't&nbsp;help&nbsp;what<br>his&nbsp;&nbsp;parents&nbsp;&nbsp;found&nbsp;&nbsp;amusing&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;company<br>name,&nbsp;but&nbsp;he&nbsp;CAN&nbsp;help&nbsp;the&nbsp;world&nbsp;use&nbsp;fewer<br>plastic&nbsp;bags.&nbsp;&nbsp;As&nbsp;for&nbsp;me?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;could&nbsp;use&nbsp;a<br>lot&nbsp;more&nbsp;jokes&nbsp;about&nbsp;that&nbsp;name,&nbsp;but&nbsp;Toby,<br>I&nbsp;respect&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;company's&nbsp;trying&nbsp;to<br>do.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;not,&nbsp;&nbsp;however,&nbsp;respect&nbsp;the&nbsp;stinker<br>who&nbsp;left&nbsp;a&nbsp;burning&nbsp;paper&nbsp;bag&nbsp;of&nbsp;doggy&nbsp;poo<br>on&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Malcolm's&nbsp;doorstep.&nbsp;&nbsp;Shame&nbsp;on&nbsp;you<br>for&nbsp;that.&nbsp;&nbsp;Even&nbsp;if&nbsp;she&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;math&nbsp;teacher,<br>she's&nbsp;still&nbsp;better&nbsp;than&nbsp;a&nbsp;flaming&nbsp;pile&nbsp;of<br>canine&nbsp;plops.<br><br>Anyone&nbsp;&nbsp;ever&nbsp;&nbsp;wonder&nbsp;where&nbsp;the&nbsp;businesses<br>will&nbsp;stop?&nbsp;&nbsp;My&nbsp;&nbsp;inbox&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;burning<br>sales,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;hot&nbsp;&nbsp;sales,&nbsp;&nbsp;pre-pre-pre-pre-pre<br>Black&nbsp;Friday&nbsp;sales...&nbsp;&nbsp;We're&nbsp;&nbsp;barely&nbsp;&nbsp;one<br>week&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;November,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;already,&nbsp;every<br>storefront's&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;Christmas.&nbsp;What&nbsp;ever<br>happened&nbsp;to&nbsp;taking&nbsp;time&nbsp;to&nbsp;appreciate&nbsp;the<br>season?<br><br>We've&nbsp;got&nbsp;the&nbsp;First&nbsp;Snow&nbsp;celebration&nbsp;soon<br>if&nbsp;the&nbsp;weather&nbsp;folks&nbsp;are&nbsp;right,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;don't<br>forget&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;ask&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;local&nbsp;rangers&nbsp;where<br>the&nbsp;wild&nbsp;holly&nbsp;is&nbsp;growing&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;mountain<br>this&nbsp;year.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;celebrations,&nbsp;who's&nbsp;excited<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;try&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;luck&nbsp;with&nbsp;the&nbsp;Frozen&nbsp;Bread<br>Guy&nbsp;contest&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;winter?&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;may&nbsp;not&nbsp;get<br>to&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;until&nbsp;December&nbsp;at&nbsp;this&nbsp;rate,&nbsp;&nbsp;with<br>snowfalls&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;low&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;they've&nbsp;been,&nbsp;but<br>who&nbsp;&nbsp;knows?&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;&nbsp;could&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;deep&nbsp;enough<br>snow&nbsp;pack&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;Thanksgiving.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;looking<br>forward&nbsp;to&nbsp;being&nbsp;beaten&nbsp;by&nbsp;schoolchildren<br>with&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;&nbsp;better&nbsp;grasp&nbsp;on&nbsp;chemistry,<br>myself.&nbsp;&nbsp;Challenge&nbsp;&nbsp;accepted,&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Berger.<br>Challenge&nbsp;accepted.
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==November 14, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;am&nbsp;I&nbsp;good&nbsp;or<br>am&nbsp;I&nbsp;good?&nbsp;&nbsp;First&nbsp;Snow&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;definite&nbsp;hit<br>this&nbsp;&nbsp;year,&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;far&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;sources&nbsp;are<br>concerned.&nbsp;&nbsp;Good&nbsp;job,&nbsp;folks,&nbsp;and&nbsp;good&nbsp;job<br>to&nbsp;the&nbsp;holly&nbsp;bushes,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;growing&nbsp;so<br>well.<br><br>Emma,&nbsp;I&nbsp;would&nbsp;say&nbsp;good&nbsp;job,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;still<br>not&nbsp;sure&nbsp;how&nbsp;you&nbsp;managed&nbsp;to&nbsp;lose&nbsp;both&nbsp;the<br>shoe&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;pants&nbsp;on&nbsp;your&nbsp;way&nbsp;down&nbsp;that<br>hillside.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;settle&nbsp;for&nbsp;being&nbsp;glad&nbsp;you<br>didn't&nbsp;crack&nbsp;your&nbsp;head&nbsp;open.&nbsp;You&nbsp;know&nbsp;all<br>those&nbsp;stories&nbsp;about&nbsp;lips&nbsp;as&nbsp;red&nbsp;as&nbsp;blood,<br>skin&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;white&nbsp;as&nbsp;snow?&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;really&nbsp;don't<br>want&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;that&nbsp;princess.&nbsp;&nbsp;Promise.&nbsp;&nbsp;The<br>job&nbsp;is&nbsp;not&nbsp;worth&nbsp;the&nbsp;sunscreen.<br><br>I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;there&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;snafu&nbsp;at<br>the&nbsp;Winter&nbsp;Palace,&nbsp;too...&nbsp;&nbsp;Kurt,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;are<br>a&nbsp;darling&nbsp;boy,&nbsp;but&nbsp;when&nbsp;your&nbsp;mama&nbsp;says&nbsp;to<br>keep&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;clothes&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;public,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;<br>should&nbsp;do&nbsp;what&nbsp;she&nbsp;says.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;'no&nbsp;shirts,<br>no&nbsp;shoes'&nbsp;sign&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;&nbsp;mean&nbsp;to&nbsp;take&nbsp;them<br>off.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hard&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;believe&nbsp;you're&nbsp;getting&nbsp;old<br>enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;read&nbsp;already.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;small&nbsp;&nbsp;children,&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;anyone<br>missing&nbsp;a&nbsp;cat?&nbsp;&nbsp;We've&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;three&nbsp;of&nbsp;them<br>show&nbsp;up&nbsp;here&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;office,&nbsp;and&nbsp;they&nbsp;sure<br>seem&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;&nbsp;domestics.&nbsp;&nbsp;Either&nbsp;&nbsp;that,&nbsp;&nbsp;or<br>they&nbsp;are&nbsp;feline&nbsp;con&nbsp;artists&nbsp;attempting&nbsp;to<br>survive&nbsp;the&nbsp;winter,&nbsp;which&nbsp;I&nbsp;would&nbsp;not&nbsp;put<br>past&nbsp;them.&nbsp;&nbsp;We'll&nbsp;post&nbsp;&nbsp;photos&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;Web<br>for&nbsp;folks&nbsp;to&nbsp;look&nbsp;at,&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;mean-<br>while,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;fuzzy&nbsp;overlord&nbsp;to&nbsp;get<br>catnip&nbsp;for.
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==November 21, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;do&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;a<br>new&nbsp;romance&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;offing?&nbsp;&nbsp;Rocco,&nbsp;Rocco,<br>has&nbsp;the&nbsp;Vamplifier&nbsp;finally&nbsp;succumbed?&nbsp;&nbsp;We<br>have&nbsp;several&nbsp;&nbsp;eye-witnesses&nbsp;who&nbsp;claim&nbsp;you<br>not&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;welcomed,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;enjoyed&nbsp;&nbsp;being<br>bitten&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;public&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;local&nbsp;elf&nbsp;queen,<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;you&nbsp;think&nbsp;we&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;notice&nbsp;the<br>fact&nbsp;that&nbsp;you've&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;wearing&nbsp;more&nbsp;color<br>lately.<br><br>Let's&nbsp;&nbsp;hope&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;mouthwash<br>handy.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;sure&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;&nbsp;bite&nbsp;those&nbsp;ears<br>without&nbsp;it.<br><br>Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;a&nbsp;busy&nbsp;place&nbsp;for<br>love&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;so&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told.&nbsp;&nbsp;Three<br>separate&nbsp;&nbsp;proposals,&nbsp;&nbsp;even,&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;of&nbsp;which<br>included&nbsp;a&nbsp;seven-foot&nbsp;teddy&nbsp;bear&nbsp;&nbsp;costume<br>which&nbsp;took&nbsp;four&nbsp;people&nbsp;to&nbsp;cram&nbsp;in&nbsp;through<br>the&nbsp;door.&nbsp;&nbsp;Only&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;folks.<br><br>Surprise:&nbsp;he&nbsp;said&nbsp;yes.<br><br>Has&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;else&nbsp;been&nbsp;hearing&nbsp;dogs&nbsp;barking<br>at&nbsp;night?&nbsp;I've&nbsp;gotten&nbsp;three&nbsp;complaints&nbsp;to<br>share&nbsp;around,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;rangers&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;<br>out&nbsp;and&nbsp;about&nbsp;and&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;seen&nbsp;a&nbsp;thing.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Hikers,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;get&nbsp;eaten&nbsp;by&nbsp;ghost&nbsp;dogs,<br>please&nbsp;let&nbsp;us&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;we&nbsp;can&nbsp;figure&nbsp;out<br>who&nbsp;wins&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;bet.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;bets,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;that&nbsp;Old&nbsp;Jack<br>Desrochers&nbsp;owes&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;Jr.&nbsp;and&nbsp;Pat&nbsp;a&nbsp;pretty<br>sum&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;last&nbsp;blind&nbsp;date&nbsp;he&nbsp;tried&nbsp;to<br>send&nbsp;them&nbsp;on.&nbsp;&nbsp;Pat,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;blame&nbsp;you&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;least&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;not&nbsp;wanting&nbsp;to&nbsp;marry&nbsp;some-<br>body&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;hated&nbsp;beer,&nbsp;Vermont,&nbsp;curly&nbsp;hair<br>and&nbsp;blueberries.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Seriously.&nbsp;&nbsp;Who&nbsp;could&nbsp;hate&nbsp;blueberries?
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==November 28, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;it's&nbsp;time&nbsp;to<br>get&nbsp;baking!&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;want&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;participate<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Frozen&nbsp;&nbsp;Bread&nbsp;&nbsp;Guy&nbsp;competition,<br>don't&nbsp;forget&nbsp;to&nbsp;sign&nbsp;up&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;hall,<br>and&nbsp;bring&nbsp;a&nbsp;copy&nbsp;of&nbsp;your&nbsp;recipe.&nbsp;A&nbsp;ranger<br>will&nbsp;escort&nbsp;you&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;mountainside,<br>to&nbsp;select&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;spot&nbsp;for&nbsp;your&nbsp;bread&nbsp;and&nbsp;log<br>the&nbsp;location.<br><br>Enough&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;that!&nbsp;&nbsp;Let's&nbsp;get&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;juicy<br>stuff.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;<br>"delicious"&nbsp;drama&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;general&nbsp;&nbsp;store<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;day&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;last&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>cranberry&nbsp;sauce.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;not&nbsp;a&nbsp;legal<br>authority&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;sauces&nbsp;&nbsp;(is&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;one?),<br>but&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;feel&nbsp;I&nbsp;can&nbsp;safely&nbsp;say&nbsp;that&nbsp;it&nbsp;does<br>not&nbsp;belong&nbsp;where&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;ended&nbsp;up.&nbsp;&nbsp;Katy,&nbsp;you<br>really&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;unplumbed&nbsp;depths.&nbsp;&nbsp;Maybe<br>we&nbsp;should&nbsp;keep&nbsp;them&nbsp;that&nbsp;way.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;plumbing,&nbsp;&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;else&nbsp;notice<br>the&nbsp;number&nbsp;of&nbsp;storms&nbsp;these&nbsp;days?&nbsp;&nbsp;Most&nbsp;of<br>them&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;down&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;city,&nbsp;but&nbsp;it<br>sure&nbsp;&nbsp;seems&nbsp;wetter&nbsp;than&nbsp;the&nbsp;early&nbsp;winters<br>I&nbsp;remember.<br><br>Current&nbsp;&nbsp;Thanksgiving&nbsp;&nbsp;plans&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;number<br>of&nbsp;people&nbsp;include&nbsp;searching&nbsp;the&nbsp;river&nbsp;for<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;'sea&nbsp;monster'&nbsp;living&nbsp;there.&nbsp;&nbsp;People,<br>people,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;it&nbsp;is&nbsp;called&nbsp;a&nbsp;'sea'&nbsp;monster,<br>it&nbsp;&nbsp;lives&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;sea.&nbsp;&nbsp;At&nbsp;least&nbsp;call&nbsp;it&nbsp;a<br>river&nbsp;monster.&nbsp;&nbsp;As&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;beast<br>appears&nbsp;&nbsp;day&nbsp;or&nbsp;night,&nbsp;eyes&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;water,<br>any&nbsp;time&nbsp;someone&nbsp;tosses&nbsp;garbage&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>river.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;whether&nbsp;this&nbsp;is&nbsp;some<br>clever&nbsp;prank&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;Mother&nbsp;Nature's&nbsp;&nbsp;way&nbsp;of<br>letting&nbsp;us&nbsp;know&nbsp;she's&nbsp;tired&nbsp;of&nbsp;being&nbsp;used<br>as&nbsp;a&nbsp;rubbish&nbsp;heap.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;do&nbsp;YOU&nbsp;think?
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==December 05, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;thank&nbsp;&nbsp;you,<br>Vamplifier,&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;bouquet.&nbsp;&nbsp;It&nbsp;takes&nbsp;up<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;3/4&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;my&nbsp;office's&nbsp;floor&nbsp;space,<br>and&nbsp;is&nbsp;almost&nbsp;as&nbsp;delightful&nbsp;as&nbsp;the&nbsp;box&nbsp;of<br>cinnamon&nbsp;bon-bons&nbsp;Chris&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;brought&nbsp;in&nbsp;to<br>bribe&nbsp;me&nbsp;not&nbsp;to&nbsp;talk&nbsp;about&nbsp;the&nbsp;thing&nbsp;I've<br>been&nbsp;bribed&nbsp;not&nbsp;to&nbsp;add&nbsp;to&nbsp;this&nbsp;column.<br><br>Smart&nbsp;cookie,&nbsp;that&nbsp;Chris.<br><br>But&nbsp;&nbsp;back&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;Rocco.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;my&nbsp;humble<br>column&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;put&nbsp;a&nbsp;cramp&nbsp;in&nbsp;your&nbsp;needs,&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>hesitate&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;suggest&nbsp;&nbsp;alternatives&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for<br>reasons&nbsp;of&nbsp;litigation&nbsp;and&nbsp;public&nbsp;&nbsp;safety.<br>I&nbsp;do&nbsp;appreciate&nbsp;the&nbsp;pet&nbsp;name.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;&nbsp;been<br>a&nbsp;couple&nbsp;of&nbsp;weeks&nbsp;since&nbsp;the&nbsp;Bite&nbsp;Incident<br>at&nbsp;&nbsp;Crossroads,&nbsp;&nbsp;however.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;How&nbsp;&nbsp;ARE&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;<br>doing&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;latest&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;paramour?&nbsp;&nbsp;<br>Inquiring&nbsp;readers&nbsp;yearn&nbsp;to&nbsp;know.<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;handsome&nbsp;men&nbsp;in&nbsp;need&nbsp;of<br>a&nbsp;good&nbsp;bath,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;the&nbsp;local&nbsp;fire-<br>fighters&nbsp;are&nbsp;putting&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;calendar&nbsp;shoot<br>some&nbsp;time&nbsp;next&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hubba&nbsp;hubba.&nbsp;I&nbsp;know<br>I&nbsp;won't&nbsp;mind&nbsp;seeing&nbsp;THAT&nbsp;parade&nbsp;along&nbsp;the<br>river&nbsp;bank.<br><br>Farther&nbsp;down&nbsp;the&nbsp;river,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;folks<br>have&nbsp;been&nbsp;seeing&nbsp;a&nbsp;monkey,&nbsp;of&nbsp;all&nbsp;things,<br>down&nbsp;in&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Park.&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Maidley&nbsp;says<br>it's&nbsp;making&nbsp;&nbsp;quite&nbsp;the&nbsp;nuisance&nbsp;of&nbsp;itself<br>down&nbsp;&nbsp;there,&nbsp;&nbsp;playing&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;river.&nbsp;&nbsp;The<br>thing&nbsp;seems&nbsp;to&nbsp;love&nbsp;kids,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;adults&nbsp;and<br>cats&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;runs&nbsp;&nbsp;from.&nbsp;&nbsp;Dogs,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told,&nbsp;it<br>simply&nbsp;stares&nbsp;at.<br><br>Anyone&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;really&nbsp;big&nbsp;net?&nbsp;&nbsp;It&nbsp;worked<br>so&nbsp;well&nbsp;with&nbsp;Curious&nbsp;George.
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==December 12, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;yet<br>another&nbsp;dust-up&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe&nbsp;to<br>chat&nbsp;about.&nbsp;&nbsp;Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;dif-<br>ferent&nbsp;versions&nbsp;of&nbsp;this&nbsp;one,&nbsp;so&nbsp;bear&nbsp;with<br>me.<br><br>In&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;version,&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;homeless&nbsp;man&nbsp;was<br>bothering&nbsp;a&nbsp;local&nbsp;gadget&nbsp;girl,&nbsp;and&nbsp;when&nbsp;I<br>say&nbsp;bothering,&nbsp;I&nbsp;mean&nbsp;getting&nbsp;handsy&nbsp;with<br>her&nbsp;under&nbsp;the&nbsp;table.<br><br>In&nbsp;the&nbsp;second&nbsp;version,&nbsp;the&nbsp;guy&nbsp;was&nbsp;pretty<br>obviously&nbsp;off&nbsp;his&nbsp;Adderall,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;badgered<br>the&nbsp;girl&nbsp;until&nbsp;she&nbsp;swapped&nbsp;tables&nbsp;just&nbsp;to<br>get&nbsp;away&nbsp;from&nbsp;him.<br><br>In&nbsp;the&nbsp;third&nbsp;version,&nbsp;that&nbsp;young&nbsp;man&nbsp;gave<br>the&nbsp;girl&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;&nbsp;trouble,&nbsp;she&nbsp;ended&nbsp;up<br>crawling&nbsp;underneath&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;table&nbsp;to&nbsp;hide&nbsp;from<br>him&nbsp;and&nbsp;cry.<br><br>In&nbsp;all&nbsp;versions,&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;firmly&nbsp;escorted<br>from&nbsp;the&nbsp;premises&nbsp;after&nbsp;the&nbsp;event.<br><br>Men,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;a&nbsp;woman&nbsp;starts&nbsp;to&nbsp;cry&nbsp;in&nbsp;public,<br>heck,&nbsp;if&nbsp;ANYONE&nbsp;starts&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;cry&nbsp;in&nbsp;public,<br>don't&nbsp;keep&nbsp;pushing.&nbsp;That's&nbsp;how&nbsp;you&nbsp;end&nbsp;up<br>like&nbsp;Johnny&nbsp;Lu,&nbsp;&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;it,&nbsp;&nbsp;Johnny?&nbsp;&nbsp;Good<br>thing&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;skull's&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;thick,&nbsp;or&nbsp;Abby's<br>frying&nbsp;pan&nbsp;would&nbsp;have&nbsp;done&nbsp;more&nbsp;than&nbsp;dent<br>it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Come&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;when&nbsp;you&nbsp;can<br>see&nbsp;straight&nbsp;again.&nbsp;&nbsp;We'll&nbsp;chat,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'll<br>give&nbsp;you&nbsp;some&nbsp;advice.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;holiday&nbsp;&nbsp;committee&nbsp;&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;need&nbsp;any<br>advice&nbsp;this&nbsp;year,&nbsp;on&nbsp;other&nbsp;news.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hoo&nbsp;boy<br>are&nbsp;they&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire!&nbsp;I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;think&nbsp;I've&nbsp;ever<br>seen&nbsp;&nbsp;us&nbsp;&nbsp;get&nbsp;those&nbsp;&nbsp;greenery&nbsp;swags&nbsp;up&nbsp;as<br>quickly&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;did&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;year,&nbsp;and&nbsp;for&nbsp;<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;thank&nbsp;Abel&nbsp;Miller&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;early&nbsp;<br>break&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;university.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;An&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;engineering&nbsp;<br>degree&nbsp;is&nbsp;good&nbsp;for&nbsp;something!
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==December 19, 2019==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>privilege&nbsp;of&nbsp;holding&nbsp;an&nbsp;&nbsp;adorable&nbsp;&nbsp;little<br>person&nbsp;on&nbsp;my&nbsp;lap&nbsp;while&nbsp;writing&nbsp;this.&nbsp;&nbsp;Joy<br>would&nbsp;like&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;'googoo'&nbsp;isn't<br>searching&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;fun&nbsp;'ootube'&nbsp;videos&nbsp;she<br>thought&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;would&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;she<br>crawled&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;today.&nbsp;&nbsp;Consequence&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>visiting&nbsp;a&nbsp;family&nbsp;&nbsp;friend&nbsp;while&nbsp;&nbsp;she's&nbsp;at<br>work,&nbsp;kiddo.<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;family&nbsp;visits,&nbsp;I've&nbsp;got<br>a&nbsp;poll&nbsp;for&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;readers:&nbsp;how&nbsp;early&nbsp;is<br>too&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;early&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;visiting&nbsp;&nbsp;relations&nbsp;&nbsp;to<br>arrive&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;holidays?&nbsp;&nbsp;Weeks?&nbsp;&nbsp;Days?<br>Hours?&nbsp;&nbsp;Call,&nbsp;&nbsp;write&nbsp;or&nbsp;email&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;office<br>with&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;answers&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;usual&nbsp;&nbsp;address,&nbsp;<br>gossip@tamaracktimes.com.<br><br>Let's&nbsp;get&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;good&nbsp;stuff.<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;hear&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;someone(s)&nbsp;set&nbsp;off&nbsp;a<br>whopping&nbsp;big&nbsp;lot&nbsp;of&nbsp;fireworks&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>city,&nbsp;somewhere&nbsp;in&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Park,&nbsp;&nbsp;close<br>to&nbsp;the&nbsp;hospital.&nbsp;&nbsp;Roman&nbsp;candles,&nbsp;peonies,<br>chrysanthemums,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;almost<br>seemed&nbsp;like&nbsp;artillery&nbsp;explosions.&nbsp;&nbsp;Police<br>are&nbsp;still&nbsp;searching&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;source.&nbsp;Gang?<br>West&nbsp;Side&nbsp;Story-esque&nbsp;fireworks&nbsp;gangs&nbsp;are<br>definitely&nbsp;going&nbsp;on&nbsp;my&nbsp;"want&nbsp;to&nbsp;see&nbsp;dance<br>fight"&nbsp;list.<br><br>Also&nbsp;in&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett,&nbsp;&nbsp;whoever's&nbsp;nailing<br>fish&nbsp;heads&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;homes&nbsp;around&nbsp;the&nbsp;lake,<br>ugh.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;agree&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;people&nbsp;&nbsp;should&nbsp;stop<br>throwing&nbsp;&nbsp;junk&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;water,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;is<br>murdering&nbsp;&nbsp;fish&nbsp;&nbsp;really&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;way&nbsp;to&nbsp;prove<br>your&nbsp;point?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;may&nbsp;or&nbsp;may&nbsp;not&nbsp;have&nbsp;gotten<br>a&nbsp;glimpse&nbsp;of&nbsp;one&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;notes&nbsp;left&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>doors...<br><br>The&nbsp;soggy&nbsp;notes.&nbsp;&nbsp;Anyone&nbsp;else&nbsp;notice&nbsp;&nbsp;how<br>much&nbsp;it's&nbsp;been&nbsp;raining&nbsp;lately?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;thought<br>the&nbsp;weather&nbsp;guys&nbsp;said&nbsp;it&nbsp;would&nbsp;snow!<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;watery&nbsp;trouble,&nbsp;Charles<br>Chester&nbsp;of&nbsp;recent&nbsp;bridge-slip&nbsp;fame&nbsp;claims<br>to&nbsp;have&nbsp;seen&nbsp;heaven&nbsp;under&nbsp;the&nbsp;water.&nbsp;&nbsp;The<br>way&nbsp;he&nbsp;tells&nbsp;it,&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;fished&nbsp;out&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>water&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;sharp-toothed&nbsp;devil,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>he's&nbsp;convinced&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;heaven's&nbsp;&nbsp;full&nbsp;of&nbsp;no<br>more&nbsp;&nbsp;than&nbsp;&nbsp;terrifying&nbsp;ghosts,&nbsp;not&nbsp;angels<br>and&nbsp;harp-songs.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,<br>but&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;inclined&nbsp;to&nbsp;believe&nbsp;your&nbsp;doctors,<br>Charles.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hallucinations&nbsp;seem&nbsp;a&nbsp;mite&nbsp;more<br>likely&nbsp;than&nbsp;a&nbsp;peek&nbsp;into&nbsp;a&nbsp;dystopian&nbsp;tooth<br>paradise.<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;if&nbsp;anyone&nbsp;sees&nbsp;a&nbsp;mutt<br>named&nbsp;Willoughby&nbsp;wandering&nbsp;around,&nbsp;little<br>Jimothy&nbsp;has&nbsp;lost&nbsp;him,&nbsp;and&nbsp;is&nbsp;hoping&nbsp;for&nbsp;a<br>Christmas&nbsp;miracle.
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==December 26, 2019==
+
<br>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;holiday<br>celebrations&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;well&nbsp;&nbsp;underway!&nbsp;&nbsp;The<br>trees&nbsp;are&nbsp;lit,&nbsp;the&nbsp;greenery&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;swaggy&nbsp;on<br>columns&nbsp;and&nbsp;doors,&nbsp;and&nbsp;wreaths&nbsp;are&nbsp;every-<br>where...including&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;ground.<br><br>Listen&nbsp;to&nbsp;this&nbsp;one,&nbsp;folks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Little&nbsp;Mister<br>Applebooties,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;three&nbsp;&nbsp;year&nbsp;old&nbsp;feline<br>accomplice&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;miss&nbsp;&nbsp;Amanda&nbsp;Miller,&nbsp;&nbsp;has<br>single-pawedly&nbsp;&nbsp;declared&nbsp;&nbsp;war&nbsp;&nbsp;upon&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>Miller&nbsp;&nbsp;family&nbsp;swag.&nbsp;&nbsp;Every&nbsp;time&nbsp;they&nbsp;get<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;greenery&nbsp;&nbsp;up,&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;cat&nbsp;escapes&nbsp;and<br>down&nbsp;the&nbsp;green&nbsp;stuff&nbsp;goes.<br><br>Amanda,&nbsp;ever&nbsp;&nbsp;thought&nbsp;of&nbsp;checking&nbsp;whether<br>Mr.&nbsp;Applebooties&nbsp;has&nbsp;pine&nbsp;allergies?&nbsp;&nbsp;I'd<br>look&nbsp;into&nbsp;it,&nbsp;for&nbsp;his&nbsp;sake.<br><br>On&nbsp;other&nbsp;news,&nbsp;don't&nbsp;forget&nbsp;about&nbsp;the&nbsp;New<br>Year&nbsp;Nail-Up&nbsp;coming&nbsp;up,&nbsp;readers.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>get&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;early&nbsp;&nbsp;enough,&nbsp;you&nbsp;might&nbsp;even&nbsp;get<br>to&nbsp;see&nbsp;some&nbsp;shirtless&nbsp;blacksmiths&nbsp;slaving<br>away&nbsp;in&nbsp;front&nbsp;of&nbsp;fires&nbsp;for&nbsp;your&nbsp;pleasure.<br>Hubba&nbsp;hubba.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;eye&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;tall<br>hunk&nbsp;of&nbsp;Indian&nbsp;subcontinent,&nbsp;&nbsp;myself,&nbsp;and<br>mi&nbsp;eye&nbsp;candy's&nbsp;su&nbsp;eye&nbsp;candy.<br><br>Thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;anonymous&nbsp;donor&nbsp;of<br>twelve&nbsp;pounds&nbsp;of&nbsp;chocolate&nbsp;bon&nbsp;bons,&nbsp;mugs<br>and&nbsp;very&nbsp;excellent&nbsp;cinnamon&nbsp;coffee.&nbsp;I&nbsp;hid<br>them&nbsp;well,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;won't&nbsp;say&nbsp;where,&nbsp;because<br>the&nbsp;office&nbsp;vultures&nbsp;are&nbsp;keen&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;eye&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>very,&nbsp;very&nbsp;good&nbsp;at&nbsp;finding&nbsp;ways&nbsp;into&nbsp;file<br>cabinets.
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Latest revision as of 20:03, 6 March 2020

Tamarack Times Gossip Column

Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.

Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.

They can be found on +bbread 3, the Media board.

This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.


Archives for posts from previous years are located at the links below:
March-December 2017 January-December 2018 January-December 2019



January 2, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I wish you a
bleary welcome to the year 2020. Finally,
a number easy to make silly glasses for!

If you slept through the fireworks on the
lake on NYE,  you are a hardier soul than
I, and I commend you.  Even this far from
the cliffs, they were dang loud, but also
worth every wince.  If you've  never gone
up  to  the  top of Salvation and  looked
down on it all,  you're missing out.  I'm
no poet,  but  it was  a garden of light,
and  kudos to the city  of  Fort Brunsett
and the tireless efforts of the fireworks
companies who made it possible.

Are you the type to write out resolutions
for the coming year?  I try, heaven knows
I try, but the bon bons tempt me back.

If you want your name in the paper,  send
in  YOUR  resolution,  and I'll put it in
the column for next week.  Let's see what
our town wants to change!

I know for sure I want to change the bear
family in the woods up on  Mischance.  If
they  want  to  set up housekeeping some-
where,  there are much better places than
the  mine  to  do it.  Kids, I have it on
good authority that  the  local officials
are taking this very seriously, so please
be  smart  about  stupid  dares.  Animals
like these should be  hibernating at this
time of year,  and  if something has them
out  and  about,  a  trained professional
should be the one to find them.

January 9, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a big
column for you, so let's get right to it.
Last week,  I asked for your resolutions,
and boy howdy did you send them in!

 * Mrs. Elsa Vayn  has resolved to eat at
   least one piece of fruit a day.
 * David Carmichael has resolved to go on
   at  least  one vacation every quarter,
   much to the delight  of his less work-
   a-holic partner, Bobby.
 * Joe Quinn has resolved to lose 50 lbs.
 * Jane Quinn has resolved to kick  Joe's
   patoot  into  gear any time he reaches
   for doughnuts instead of celery...
 * Alexander Dolst has resolved to finish
   the novel he has been working on since
   seventh grade.
 * Rebecca Fry has resolved to not murder
   her niece,  or  brother,  for spilling
   neon pink dye  into  a vat of milk and
   costing  the family thousands of bucks
   for wasted product, time, and inedible
   ice  cream.  I  have  it on good auth-
   ority that said niece and  brother are
   banned  from the barn for the foresee-
   able future to  facilitate  their con-
   tinued survival.
 * Elizabeth Fry  has resolved  to  avoid
   her aunt.
 * Jonathan Fry has resolved to buy stock
   in Tension Tamer tea.
 * Delika Soluos  has  resolved  to learn
   calligraphy, so  she can start her own
   greeting card business.
 * Mr. A. Nony Mouse  has resolved to get
   a name.

On the subject of resolutions folks asked
not to be named for, we have twelve other
people wanting to lose weight, eleven who
want to travel more, five who want to get
wealthy  lovers  and  live  out a life of
luxury, four  who  want to learn the fine
art  of cooking  better for one,  two who
want to do more for the environment, and
one who wants to bone my editor. 

My  editor  says  thank you,  and he will
consider your offer, anonymous lover.


January 16, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  are   a
month away from Valentine's Day, but that
isn't stopping the stores,  is it?  Thank
you, capitalism,  for giving me cheap yet
delicious  chocolate  and  peanut  butter 
hearts.

On the subject of hearts, get this: Mandy
Hart  thought Monday was going to be just
another morning, woke up, made her coffee
and ate food which she has told me to say
was  more  healthy  than the Boston creme
doughnut it actually was, when there came
a  banging from her garage.  In she went,
and lo and behold,  her garbage bins were
a mess.  Thinking it  was a raccoon,  she
tidied up,  looked for holes, then forgot
all  about it by the end of the work day.
Upon arriving  home  again,  the  garbage
bins were on the floor,  along  with  the
garbage  that  was  in them, and what did
she  find but a PIG rooting around in it?
As it turns out,  a  tourist family's pet
had  gotten  loose, and there were happy,
oinky endings all around.  What  a way to
spend a Monday.

This was not the only  animal sighting to
occur over the past week. 

A  showing of "Matilda" down at the  ele-
mentary  school  this  past  weekend  was 
disrupted   by  a  bleating  stampede  of
shaggy,  smelly   goats -- and  the high-
schoolers  who set  them  free  there are
going  to  start  doing  some  very  fast
community service, aren't they, Samual?

January 23, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  it looks as
though  we  may  have a new manicurist in
town!  I hear tell that Lou and Bang Bang
down at Crops and Bobbers have been talk-
ing with a lovely stranger about settling
here.  Lady, come stop by the office some
time and have a chat.  I still have a bit
of that good coffee left  that the office
vultures haven't managed to pilfer.

In other news, I finally snagged a source
young  enough to clue  me in on why we've
all been seeing glitter everywhere. Seems
like  one  of  the  local  kids started a
viral trend on TikTok called "angel dust-
ing"... The original form called for some
sort  of container of white glitter to be
placed above a doorway,  with  the aim of
having it  fall onto the head of the next
person walking through,  but  one  of the
younger ladies at the office has informed
me  that  receiving the glitter inside of
an envelope,  and  filming yourself doing
so, has also become a part of the trend.

Now, given the crisis going on with micro
plastics  in  our  oceans, I did feel the
need  to reach out to our mystery TikTok-
ker, and  much  to my  pleasant surprise,
they had already established ground rules
requiring  their  followers  to  use eco-
glitters.  Kudos, kid.  You've got a good
head on those glitter-crowned shoulders.

Vazi, on  the other hand...  I have heard
a  few  conflicting  opinions  of how you
managed to break that ankle, kiddo. 

 1. You  were chasing a flying paper air-
    plane and ran off the roof.
 2. You were out on the lawn and slipped.
 3. Your  younger  brother  turned into a
    whirling  dervish of dooooom and your
    ankle was sacrificed to the Lego gods
    as tribute.

I'm going for Lego gods. If you have ever
had  kids  who had Legos, I know you will
be too.

January 30, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've  got  a
cute one for us.  A special someone (hint
hint,  his name rhymes with 'hill' and he
owns a bar  here  in  town) is turning 65
next  week, and he may or may not be get-
ting a present from a mysterious benefac-
tor... If I were he, I'd keep an eye out.
That gift looked hot!

In related news, kudos to your son, Bill,
though  I  have  seldom had more cause to
use the 'facepalm'  emoji than I did this
past weekend.  For folks new to the area,
Bill's  son is a trainee  for  the  local
volunteer firefighters. A tourist slipped
and  fell  over  the southern bridge into
the Tam, and they're okay, thanks to Bill
and   some  good  bystanders,  but   they
wouldn't  have  fallen in the first place
if they  hadn't  been  bending  backwards
upside down over the edge  of the railing
to get a selfie...  Their  GoPro  was not
rescued, and neither, I'm told, was their
smartphone.  Seriously, people. No selfie
is worth your life.  Hypothermia is not a
joke.

That  said,  I'm human,  and I can't help
but laugh  at  the selfie fails I've seen
on the internet.  Let's  turn this around
and check on YOU, my lovely readers: what
is YOUR most hilarious selfie fail?

Last but not least, for disclosure,  Emma
Richards  has  paid  me in  Cadbury Creme
Eggs  to publically state the  following:
she heard on the grapevine that her long-
time  boyfriend,  who  broke  up with her
last Spring,  has recently  been accepted
into  the  NASA  space  program,  and she
hopes he does so well that he becomes one
of  the next astronauts  to  land  on the
Moon...and  stays there, preferably alone
and choking on his own hot air.

Sorry, Dave.  Shouldn't have done that.

February 6, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  angel  dust
has officially  been sanctioned, and  not
in  the good way, in a town hall meeting.
Local EMTs  took three people down to the
hospital after a massive glitter-splosion
accident  where balloons half-filled with
"angel dust" were popped by accident, all
at once, by a  falling ladder at the Town
Hall itself, sending  pounds of the stuff
right into eyes and airways.

On  the  bright side, you can be proud of
one thing:  you, and your TikTok friends,
have leveraged your  fifteen  seconds  of
fame to get  glitter officially labeled a
disturbance to the peace.

Envelope-form only, kids.

Now,  I  do  have  some bad news.  Nettle
won't be staying on as our new manicurist
after all,  but  she says she has enjoyed
getting to know the ladies,  and  some of
the gentlemen,  of  the town in the short
while she has been here.  We wish her all
the best in her new life as a millionaire
lottery winner, lucky duck.  When I asked
her about her plans, she said she and her
hubby  have  decided  to find their dream
home in the hills of Italy, and intend to
spend their days posting  YouTube  videos
of their costumed cats putting  on feline
versions of Shakespeare.

To each her own, but I'll keep an eye out
for those videos, Nettle.  Tombu  is  one
cute cat.

Now, as much as I would love to write all
of  the  entries  we  received  for  most
embarrassing selfies, my editor has asked
me  to poll the office for the top three,
and these are the result:

 1. When taking a selfie on a windy tower
    overseas,  she who shall remain name-
    less at her own  request felt quite a
    sudden breeze down below when her new
    sarong  slipped  free  of  her  hips. 
    This wouldn't have been as much of an
    issue if she weren't wearing her last
    pair of "emergencies only" panties...
    with holes in awkward places.
 2. Every time this gentleman  would  try
    to get a picture of  himself  to send
    out to a dating service, his cat Pogo
    would  somehow  photo-bomb  the shot,
    until he  eventually gave in and just
    held the cat.
 3. A young woman thought she looked fab,
    and went to  take a selfie of herself
    down  in  Riverside Park.  Satisfied,
    she posted the  picture to her social
    media   accounts,  only  to   receive 
    message   after  message  asking  her
    about the dogs.  Puzzled by this, she
    looked  more  closely  at the selfie,
    and  lo and behold,  a pair  of  dog-
    walkers were chatting on a bench, and
    their  pooches  were doing it, doggy-
    style of course, behind them.

Immortalized by the internet. Ever wonder
what aliens would think about our species
if  they  watched  what  we  post for the 
universe to see?

February 13, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have  a
Kip Kensington-esque Valentine's Day fail
to  share  with  you all.  No, sadly, Kip
himself is not a part of it.  Kip, you're
being entirely too circumspect lately.

But enough of Kip.  On to today's gossip!
Upon waking up yesterday morning, the 80-
year  old Mrs. Mitchell, a retired school
counselor,  looked out her front door and
saw that she had  a package waiting.  Not
having ordered anything recently, she was
curious nonetheless, and the anonymity of
the box and its sender really should have
been a clue.

Long story short: a delivery of very sexy
toys and playthings spilled out in rubber
and lace all over her table...

Thankfully,  a  very "loving" note inside
the  box sent with  the items did include
the name  of  the  intended  recipient, a
young  woman who lived  in the house next
door.  Let  this  be  a lesson to all who
order  gifts  online:  double-check  your
delivery addresses,  or  you  could  send
kinky sex toys to grandmothers with heart
conditions.

Speaking  of  delving,  have you all been
watching the news?   What  do  you  think
about  prospectors looking  at  the  mine
again?  The  town could use the money, as
Mayor Jack would be  quick  to agree, but
is  it  worth  it  to have all that noise
and fuss?  Why don't we  just  make  it a
historic landmark  and  be  done with all
of this?

In lighter news, parents, don't forget to
pay a visit to the library on Main Street
before  Saturday.  There's  a kiddie pool
of  Goldfish  crackers and a challenge to
guess  how  many are  in the pool for you
and your  kidlets to win.  If  you  don't
have  time  to go in person, you can also
submit  bets  online, at the library web-
site.

February 20, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, as  it turns
out, cats really do know best about gold-
fish.  Jack Desrochers Jr.  is the winner
of  the kiddie-pool contest, but the real
prize  should be going to Bojangles, who,
I'm told, stood on the  numpad,  then sat
his fuzzy patoot down right on top of Mr.
Desrochers' mouse-hand.  

Jack, you  should know better than to ig-
nore  Bojangles.  You  know what happened
last time.

Now,  Rocco, what's this I hear about you
and that  colorful  young  woman  talking
about  moving  in together?  Dana Shelley
says she overheard you two chatting about
looking for a place.  And here  I thought
that  girl  had better taste... Guess all
it  takes to  melt  a  heart  of ice is a
washed  up  (please, wash up) punk rocker
with a mouth in need of soap.

Johnny Quilby  knows  all about mouths in
need of soaping, now, doesn't  he?  Shame
on you, teaching your baby brother to say
those bad words. Thank you for the laughs
we  all  got here at the office, however,
from  watching  the  videos you posted on
the internet... Just wait until he gets a
little  older and learns what those words
all mean.  I'm surprised YOU do.

The  rangers  have a new one for us, too,
and I could have done without this one...
Evidently,  a  herd  of  deer has somehow
decided  to use a particular  section  of
the  forest as their personal toilet.  He
has never  seen  so much deer crap in his
career,  and  he hopes he never sees that
much again.  Or steps in it.

Mr. Fry, I hope so too, and please let me
know  how  my  bribe of movie tickets for
you and  your  wife work out, for telling
me which valley to avoid.

February 27, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have  been
informed  that  Rocco would never consent
to  the  degree of  cleanliness and  non-
smoking which would be required to cohab-
itate with November.

Crushing our dreams of romance in the bud
seems  to  be  a theme, lately, but don't
you  worry, readers.  Sit  at  Crossroads
Cafe long  enough  and you'll see exactly
what I mean.

Speaking  of  the  cafe, Elmer, if I were
you, I'd give up on the giant bouquets of
roses and  go  for  something subtler.  A
nice necklace, or a bracelet... Why, I've
heard rumours of a new jeweler setting up
shop  down  in  the  city at the farmer's
market.  She doesn't have much stock, but
she  says  she's made it all herself, and
my sources  claim  the  gems  look  real,
engraved silver, filigree pendants, semi-
precious stones and all.

We're  getting  closer  to March, and the
time of  green  beer  approaches. I got a
sneak  peek  at  the vats  over at I Feel
Hoppy this week, and the brewery is kick-
ing into gear, big-time.  

What do you  think?   What's  your  ideal
green  in  beer?   If  I'm  going  to  be 
drinking  dye, I'd want to go all the way
in, but on the other  hand, if  they  can
use natural ingredients  to achieve simi-
lar    coloration   without   sacrificing
flavor,  which  they claim they are going
to do, why not?


March 05, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have  a
new brawl under our collective belts! I'm
pleased to say that, while patrons of the
library were  disturbed by the noise out-
side,  the  two sisters  involved,  Merle
Dalton and Sophia Caruso,  were courteous
enough to keep the fight to words instead
of blows.  Why,  I  even heard bits of it
myself, through my little  office window,
incoherent though it was.  From what I've
gathered, folks say it was ultimately one
of  the employees  at Crossroads Cafe who
came out and broke it up.  Those are some
tough women.  I'm not surprised.

Speaking of Crossroads Cafe...

A  tall,  long-haired  eccentric  whom my
sources call Ishmael had a bit of a glit-
ter problem there.  To  be more specific,
he  blew  glitter all  over  that  lovely
young   lady,   Saga,  during  breakfast.
Frankly,  I'm surprised he was let inside
the building in the first place. Isn't it
supposed  to  be  "No shirt, no SHOES, no
service"?

I've heard  a few comments from the staff
over at Sweet Treats, too, about a man of
similar  description  loitering there for
an entire day.  If  he'd been doing some-
thing  useful, they said,  they  wouldn't
have cared as much about his bare minimum
purchases and cheapo ways, but reading a
book with no text in it?  Really?

As bizarre as this town can be, I have no
doubt he'll fit in just fine.

Last but not least, that freak hail storm
yesterday  spooked part of  the Fry dairy
herd, and I'm told they'll be looking for
some construction  workers  in  the  near
future,  to  replace the fencing scaredy-
cows broke through...

No one was hurt, and the ladies were re-
covered safely.  They're in another field
for now,  but don't you worry.  I've been
assured that they'll  be  back  home in a
jiffy.