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This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.
 
This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.
  
==March 16 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week&nbsp; in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've all&nbsp; <br>learned the value of not&nbsp; trusting Jimmy <br>Miller&nbsp; when he says&nbsp; his&nbsp; dog is smart.&nbsp;  <br>No&nbsp; smart dog&nbsp; would&nbsp; run in front of&nbsp; a&nbsp; &nbsp; <br>plow going&nbsp; full-tilt,&nbsp; but the vet says&nbsp; <br>the pup's going to&nbsp; recover just in time <br>for&nbsp; the&nbsp; Spring&nbsp;  tourist&nbsp; season&nbsp;  and <br>chasing muddy motorcycles.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; <br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; <br>What isn't going to recover?&nbsp; Maddy <br>Nichols'&nbsp; flower&nbsp; beds,&nbsp; seeing&nbsp; as&nbsp; Mr. <br>Miller&nbsp; ran&nbsp; that plow up over the curb.&nbsp; <br>Lopped&nbsp; the heads right off four&nbsp; of the <br>gnomes, too.<br><br>A newcomer&nbsp; got&nbsp; in&nbsp; a&nbsp; good brawl&nbsp; this <br>past&nbsp; weekend in front of Cyclone,&nbsp; too, <br>and that&nbsp; makes&nbsp; the sixth since the new <br>bar opened.&nbsp; Six fights in a month.&nbsp; <br>What does this mean for you, my readers?<br>Jack squat.&nbsp; The Mayor, I have it from a <br>reliable&nbsp; source,&nbsp; has&nbsp; no&nbsp; intention of <br>telling that nice young lady off.<br></span>
 
  
==March 23 2017==
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; Spring has <br>sprung,&nbsp; and what it's sprung is a great<br>big&nbsp; leak.&nbsp; Word to the wise:&nbsp; don't let <br>your&nbsp;  pipes&nbsp;  freeze&nbsp; like&nbsp; a&nbsp; certain<br>somebody down on Main Street, or you get<br>what&nbsp; they&nbsp; got:&nbsp; a hefty bill and soggy<br>floors.<br><br>Keep those faucets dripping!<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of&nbsp;  dripping,&nbsp; now,&nbsp; I&nbsp; don't <br>usually&nbsp; go&nbsp; for&nbsp; the&nbsp; dark&nbsp; meat,&nbsp;  but <br>there's&nbsp; a huge hunk of stranger&nbsp; around<br>town&nbsp; who's&nbsp; more than enough to warm my <br>oven.&nbsp; I'm minded to ask&nbsp; him over for a<br>cup of sugar,&nbsp; if Lou and BangBang don't <br>get to him first.<br><br>Seems&nbsp;  there's&nbsp; been&nbsp;  banging&nbsp;  of&nbsp; a <br>different&nbsp; kind up on the mountain.&nbsp; Odd <br>noises in the&nbsp; mine,&nbsp; lights&nbsp; at&nbsp; night.&nbsp; <br>I'd&nbsp; keep&nbsp; my teenagers&nbsp; pent tight if I <br>had any.&nbsp; Never&nbsp; know&nbsp; what&nbsp; those&nbsp; kids<br>will go and get into.<br></span>
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| colspan="3" style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | Archives for posts from previous years are located at the links below:
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| style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2017|March-December 2017]]'''
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| style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2018|January-December 2018]]'''
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| style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2019|January-December 2019]]'''
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|}
  
==March 30 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week&nbsp; in&nbsp; Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; the town<br>had&nbsp; its first shooting in a long,&nbsp; long<br>while.&nbsp; All&nbsp; of you coffee&nbsp; addicts will<br>have to get your fix elsewhere,&nbsp; because<br>this&nbsp; columnist&nbsp; is told&nbsp; by&nbsp; a reliable <br>source that the Crossroads Cafe is going<br>to be closed until Friday morning.&nbsp; Hope<br>the owner's&nbsp; taking time to write up how<br>she wants that story told.<br><br>Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied <br>with&nbsp; my own&nbsp; little eye none other than <br>Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in <br>one&nbsp; mighty&nbsp;  big&nbsp; &nbsp; hurry.&nbsp;  Can't&nbsp;  be <br>drinking, because we&nbsp; all know the Mayor<br>would&nbsp; never touch&nbsp; lip to bottle on the <br>job.&nbsp; Isn't that right, Suzanne?<br><br>I don't&nbsp; know about you,&nbsp; but I've heard <br>some mighty fine things about our Miller <br>boys this season for the roads,&nbsp; as much <br>snow&nbsp; as we've&nbsp; been&nbsp; getting,&nbsp; and&nbsp; I'm <br>giving them&nbsp; a shout-out&nbsp; for a job well<br>done.&nbsp; Now&nbsp; if&nbsp; only&nbsp; they&nbsp; could&nbsp; do it<br>without&nbsp; shirts...&nbsp;  Hubba&nbsp; hubba.&nbsp; Rest <br>assured,&nbsp; if you&nbsp; boys ever want to do a <br>calendar for&nbsp; charity,&nbsp; the Enid Schmitt <br>Foundation&nbsp; will gladly accept your kind <br>donation.<br><br>
 
  
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==April 06 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've seen<br>what happens when you drive a motor bike<br>into&nbsp; a&nbsp; river.&nbsp;  We've also&nbsp; seen&nbsp; what<br>happens when your mother finds out about<br>it, haven't we, Jimmy?<br><br>Don't stop.&nbsp; You provide so many&nbsp; column<br>inches.<br><br>Got some delicious hints swirling around<br>town this week&nbsp; of&nbsp; a new baker&nbsp; on&nbsp; the<br>loose, but no one's owning up to leaving<br>cupcakes on doorsteps just yet,&nbsp; or what<br>exactly those sprinkles on top were made<br>of.&nbsp; Watch out, Martha.&nbsp; You&nbsp; could have<br>some competition.<br><br>Watch out for moose!<br><br>Heard tell one&nbsp; of the&nbsp; farmers west&nbsp; of <br>town had an antlered&nbsp; visitor attempting<br>to make nice&nbsp; with his Morgans the other<br>day.&nbsp; She wasn't having any,&nbsp; and that's<br>a damn shame, with a rack like that.<br></span>
 
  
==April 13 2017==
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==January 2, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is<br>busy busy busy, and so is the gossip!&nbsp; <br><br>With Easter only days away,&nbsp; you'd think<br>people would know better than to go egg-<br>tossing&nbsp; at&nbsp; police cars,&nbsp; wouldn't you,<br>Mikey?&nbsp; Once&nbsp; you're&nbsp; done hand&nbsp; washing <br>all of the squad&nbsp; cars, mind coming over<br>to do mine?<br><br>I've seen&nbsp; a lovely&nbsp; young&nbsp; lady out and<br>about&nbsp; a-wandering&nbsp; this&nbsp; week,&nbsp; but&nbsp; no<br>handsome&nbsp; young&nbsp; lad to accompany her on<br>the&nbsp; riverbank.&nbsp; Watch&nbsp; the&nbsp; east,&nbsp; now. <br>Things on that side get slippery.<br><br>The mystery cupcakes continue!<br><br>Who IS&nbsp; our&nbsp; secretive pastry chef?&nbsp; Lou<br>and&nbsp; Bang Bang&nbsp; say&nbsp; they're&nbsp; offering a<br>free hair cut to anyone who can identify<br>the source of their decadent delectables<br>this week.<br><br></span>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;wish&nbsp;you&nbsp;a<br>bleary&nbsp;welcome&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;year&nbsp;2020.&nbsp;Finally,<br>a&nbsp;number&nbsp;easy&nbsp;to&nbsp;make&nbsp;silly&nbsp;glasses&nbsp;for!<br><br>If&nbsp;you&nbsp;slept&nbsp;through&nbsp;the&nbsp;fireworks&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>lake&nbsp;on&nbsp;NYE,&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;are&nbsp;a&nbsp;hardier&nbsp;soul&nbsp;than<br>I,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;commend&nbsp;you.&nbsp;&nbsp;Even&nbsp;this&nbsp;far&nbsp;from<br>the&nbsp;cliffs,&nbsp;they&nbsp;were&nbsp;dang&nbsp;loud,&nbsp;but&nbsp;also<br>worth&nbsp;every&nbsp;wince.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;you've&nbsp;&nbsp;never&nbsp;gone<br>up&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;top&nbsp;of&nbsp;Salvation&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;looked<br>down&nbsp;on&nbsp;it&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;you're&nbsp;missing&nbsp;out.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm<br>no&nbsp;poet,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;garden&nbsp;of&nbsp;light,<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;kudos&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;city&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;Fort&nbsp;Brunsett<br>and&nbsp;the&nbsp;tireless&nbsp;efforts&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;fireworks<br>companies&nbsp;who&nbsp;made&nbsp;it&nbsp;possible.<br><br>Are&nbsp;you&nbsp;the&nbsp;type&nbsp;to&nbsp;write&nbsp;out&nbsp;resolutions<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;coming&nbsp;year?&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;try,&nbsp;heaven&nbsp;knows<br>I&nbsp;try,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;bon&nbsp;bons&nbsp;tempt&nbsp;me&nbsp;back.<br><br>If&nbsp;you&nbsp;want&nbsp;your&nbsp;name&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;paper,&nbsp;&nbsp;send<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;YOUR&nbsp;&nbsp;resolution,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;put&nbsp;it&nbsp;in<br>the&nbsp;column&nbsp;for&nbsp;next&nbsp;week.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let's&nbsp;see&nbsp;what<br>our&nbsp;town&nbsp;wants&nbsp;to&nbsp;change!<br><br>I&nbsp;know&nbsp;for&nbsp;sure&nbsp;I&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;change&nbsp;the&nbsp;bear<br>family&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;woods&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;Mischance.&nbsp;&nbsp;If<br>they&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;set&nbsp;up&nbsp;housekeeping&nbsp;some-<br>where,&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;are&nbsp;much&nbsp;better&nbsp;places&nbsp;than<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;mine&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kids,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;it&nbsp;on<br>good&nbsp;authority&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;officials<br>are&nbsp;taking&nbsp;this&nbsp;very&nbsp;seriously,&nbsp;so&nbsp;please<br>be&nbsp;&nbsp;smart&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;&nbsp;stupid&nbsp;&nbsp;dares.&nbsp;&nbsp;Animals<br>like&nbsp;these&nbsp;should&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;hibernating&nbsp;at&nbsp;this<br>time&nbsp;of&nbsp;year,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;something&nbsp;has&nbsp;them<br>out&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;about,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;trained&nbsp;professional<br>should&nbsp;be&nbsp;the&nbsp;one&nbsp;to&nbsp;find&nbsp;them.
  
==April 27 2017==
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==January 9, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've&nbsp; had<br>an exciting go&nbsp; of it,&nbsp; but if you don't<br>like tall,&nbsp; dark,&nbsp; mysterious strangers,<br>why do we care anyway?&nbsp; This&nbsp; man rolled<br>in&nbsp; on a bus at an ungodly hour,&nbsp; I tell<br>you,&nbsp; I've&nbsp; heard&nbsp; it&nbsp; from&nbsp; a reputable<br>source myself,&nbsp; wearing&nbsp; all black,&nbsp; and<br>talked&nbsp; with a few foreigners for hours.<br>Just who is&nbsp; this&nbsp; mystery man,&nbsp; and how<br>can&nbsp; I convince&nbsp; him to come over for MY<br>coffee?&nbsp; Hubba hubba.<br><br>Certain&nbsp; indiscretions&nbsp; were&nbsp; overheard, <br>I'm told,&nbsp; at the&nbsp; Crossroads Cafe.&nbsp; Now<br>I&nbsp; wasn't there myself, but in my humble<br>opinion,&nbsp; people&nbsp; with so&nbsp; many&nbsp; secrets <br>really ought&nbsp; to be&nbsp; better&nbsp; at&nbsp; keeping <br>them.&nbsp; Most&nbsp; folks&nbsp; aren't&nbsp; so&nbsp; pleased <br>about going&nbsp; to&nbsp; court,&nbsp; young&nbsp; man.&nbsp; Be <br>careful what you say.<br><br>Be careful what you eat, too, because by<br>golly&nbsp; these&nbsp; cupcakes just keep coming.&nbsp; <br>Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come <br>up&nbsp; and&nbsp; lie&nbsp; about&nbsp; baking&nbsp; them again.&nbsp; <br>I've&nbsp; tasted&nbsp; your&nbsp; cooking,&nbsp; and&nbsp; it's <br>enough to make a cat laugh!<br></span>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;big<br>column&nbsp;for&nbsp;you,&nbsp;so&nbsp;let's&nbsp;get&nbsp;right&nbsp;to&nbsp;it.<br>Last&nbsp;week,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;asked&nbsp;for&nbsp;your&nbsp;resolutions,<br>and&nbsp;boy&nbsp;howdy&nbsp;did&nbsp;you&nbsp;send&nbsp;them&nbsp;in!<br><br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Elsa&nbsp;Vayn&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;eat&nbsp;at<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;least&nbsp;one&nbsp;piece&nbsp;of&nbsp;fruit&nbsp;a&nbsp;day.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;David&nbsp;Carmichael&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;on<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;least&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;vacation&nbsp;every&nbsp;quarter,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;delight&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;his&nbsp;less&nbsp;work-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a-holic&nbsp;partner,&nbsp;Bobby.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Joe&nbsp;Quinn&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;lose&nbsp;50&nbsp;lbs.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Jane&nbsp;Quinn&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;kick&nbsp;&nbsp;Joe's<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;patoot&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;gear&nbsp;any&nbsp;time&nbsp;he&nbsp;reaches<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;doughnuts&nbsp;instead&nbsp;of&nbsp;celery...<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;Dolst&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;finish<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;novel&nbsp;he&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;working&nbsp;on&nbsp;since<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;seventh&nbsp;grade.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Rebecca&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;not&nbsp;murder<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;niece,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;brother,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;spilling<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;neon&nbsp;pink&nbsp;dye&nbsp;&nbsp;into&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;vat&nbsp;of&nbsp;milk&nbsp;and<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;costing&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;family&nbsp;thousands&nbsp;of&nbsp;bucks<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;wasted&nbsp;product,&nbsp;time,&nbsp;and&nbsp;inedible<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ice&nbsp;&nbsp;cream.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;on&nbsp;good&nbsp;auth-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ority&nbsp;that&nbsp;said&nbsp;niece&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;brother&nbsp;are<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;banned&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;barn&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;foresee-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;able&nbsp;future&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;facilitate&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;con-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;tinued&nbsp;survival.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Elizabeth&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;avoid<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;aunt.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Jonathan&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;buy&nbsp;stock<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tension&nbsp;Tamer&nbsp;tea.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Delika&nbsp;Soluos&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;learn<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;calligraphy,&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;can&nbsp;start&nbsp;her&nbsp;own<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;greeting&nbsp;card&nbsp;business.<br>&nbsp;*&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;A.&nbsp;Nony&nbsp;Mouse&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;resolved&nbsp;to&nbsp;get<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;name.<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;resolutions&nbsp;folks&nbsp;asked<br>not&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;named&nbsp;for,&nbsp;we&nbsp;have&nbsp;twelve&nbsp;other<br>people&nbsp;wanting&nbsp;to&nbsp;lose&nbsp;weight,&nbsp;eleven&nbsp;who<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;travel&nbsp;more,&nbsp;five&nbsp;who&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;get<br>wealthy&nbsp;&nbsp;lovers&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;live&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;a&nbsp;life&nbsp;of<br>luxury,&nbsp;four&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;learn&nbsp;the&nbsp;fine<br>art&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;cooking&nbsp;&nbsp;better&nbsp;for&nbsp;one,&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;who<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;do&nbsp;more&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;environment,&nbsp;and<br>one&nbsp;who&nbsp;wants&nbsp;to&nbsp;bone&nbsp;my&nbsp;editor.&nbsp;<br><br>My&nbsp;&nbsp;editor&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;&nbsp;thank&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;he&nbsp;will<br>consider&nbsp;your&nbsp;offer,&nbsp;anonymous&nbsp;lover.
  
==May 04 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've&nbsp; had<br>a delicious little peccadillo at the new<br>bookstore&nbsp; in&nbsp; town.&nbsp; I've&nbsp; had reliable <br>reports&nbsp; of&nbsp; more&nbsp; than&nbsp;  one&nbsp;  romantic <br>entanglement&nbsp;  gone&nbsp;  wrong,&nbsp; and,&nbsp; even <br>better,&nbsp; I hear&nbsp; tell a lady stormed out<br>altogether&nbsp; after&nbsp; a&nbsp; certain pint-sized <br>bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.<br><br>Hot sales at Homepage!&nbsp; Thefts,&nbsp; too.&nbsp; A<br>few&nbsp; books&nbsp; seem to be missing, but with<br>the owner such&nbsp; a&nbsp; hot item,&nbsp; I wouldn't<br>presume to wonder why...<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of shopkeepers,&nbsp; someone ought<br>to&nbsp; set&nbsp; up&nbsp; a&nbsp; secret&nbsp;  sale&nbsp; over&nbsp;  at <br>Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got<br>some&nbsp; folks&nbsp; who can't keep their mouths<br>shut&nbsp; in&nbsp;  public.&nbsp; There&nbsp;  are&nbsp;  better<br>places&nbsp; to chit-chat about local queens, <br>and&nbsp; if&nbsp; I'm&nbsp; hearing about it, how many <br>others are?<br><br>If&nbsp; you&nbsp; haven't been down to the Evelyn <br>Miller&nbsp; Memorial&nbsp; Gardens&nbsp; yet,&nbsp; do&nbsp; it, <br>because&nbsp; showers of&nbsp;  white&nbsp; petals&nbsp; are<br>about&nbsp; as close to snowfall as I want to <br>think about right now.&nbsp; Is Winter over?<br></span>
 
  
==May 11 2017==
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==January 16, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; the rising<br>temps&nbsp; have seen a corresponding rise in<br>idiots thinking&nbsp; the&nbsp; signs&nbsp; about rapid<br>currents&nbsp; are&nbsp; for&nbsp; amateurs.&nbsp; Really,<br>Megan,&nbsp; you&nbsp; didn't&nbsp; have&nbsp; to prove your<br>parents&nbsp; right&nbsp; BEFORE&nbsp; you&nbsp; left&nbsp; for<br>college.&nbsp; They&nbsp; always&nbsp; told you&nbsp; not to<br>date&nbsp; him.&nbsp; This&nbsp; is&nbsp; why.&nbsp; Go&nbsp; have&nbsp; a<br>coffee,&nbsp; meet&nbsp; a&nbsp; handsome&nbsp; god.&nbsp; Have a<br>fling you'll never forget.<br><br>Speaking of flinging with gods,&nbsp; trouble<br>in&nbsp; paradise?&nbsp; Forget&nbsp; what&nbsp; I said last<br>week about a secret-share.&nbsp; We just need<br>a&nbsp; full-time time-share&nbsp; with that cutey<br>Hazel&nbsp; on&nbsp; the&nbsp; Crossroads&nbsp; Cafe,&nbsp; Thom,<br>because she's giving&nbsp; us&nbsp; a spot with so<br>much material!&nbsp; And men.&nbsp; The men!<br><br>The screaming, the throwing,&nbsp; the drama,<br>la, c'est vraiment magnifique!<br><br>Last&nbsp; week's&nbsp; book&nbsp; owner&nbsp; gave&nbsp; us&nbsp; all<br>another&nbsp; stunning example of what NOT to<br>do in a relationship,&nbsp; and hoo boy,&nbsp; let<br>me&nbsp; tell you,&nbsp; kid,&nbsp; skirt-hopping after<br>popping your cherry with&nbsp; a&nbsp; girl is not<br>a&nbsp; way&nbsp; to&nbsp; make a friend.&nbsp; I&nbsp; could use<br>your&nbsp; name,&nbsp; but then,&nbsp; you&nbsp; already had<br>it&nbsp; shouted&nbsp; across&nbsp; the&nbsp; entire&nbsp; cafe.<br>There's such a thing as pity.&nbsp; <br><br>Have mine.<br></span>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>month&nbsp;away&nbsp;from&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;Day,&nbsp;but&nbsp;that<br>isn't&nbsp;stopping&nbsp;the&nbsp;stores,&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;it?&nbsp;&nbsp;Thank<br>you,&nbsp;capitalism,&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;giving&nbsp;me&nbsp;cheap&nbsp;yet<br>delicious&nbsp;&nbsp;chocolate&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;peanut&nbsp;&nbsp;butter&nbsp;<br>hearts.<br><br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;subject&nbsp;of&nbsp;hearts,&nbsp;get&nbsp;this:&nbsp;Mandy<br>Hart&nbsp;&nbsp;thought&nbsp;Monday&nbsp;was&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;be&nbsp;just<br>another&nbsp;morning,&nbsp;woke&nbsp;up,&nbsp;made&nbsp;her&nbsp;coffee<br>and&nbsp;ate&nbsp;food&nbsp;which&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;told&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;say<br>was&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;&nbsp;healthy&nbsp;&nbsp;than&nbsp;the&nbsp;Boston&nbsp;creme<br>doughnut&nbsp;it&nbsp;actually&nbsp;was,&nbsp;when&nbsp;there&nbsp;came<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;banging&nbsp;from&nbsp;her&nbsp;garage.&nbsp;&nbsp;In&nbsp;she&nbsp;went,<br>and&nbsp;lo&nbsp;and&nbsp;behold,&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;garbage&nbsp;bins&nbsp;were<br>a&nbsp;mess.&nbsp;&nbsp;Thinking&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;raccoon,&nbsp;&nbsp;she<br>tidied&nbsp;up,&nbsp;&nbsp;looked&nbsp;for&nbsp;holes,&nbsp;then&nbsp;forgot<br>all&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;it&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;end&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;work&nbsp;day.<br>Upon&nbsp;arriving&nbsp;&nbsp;home&nbsp;&nbsp;again,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;garbage<br>bins&nbsp;were&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;floor,&nbsp;&nbsp;along&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the<br>garbage&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;them,&nbsp;and&nbsp;what&nbsp;did<br>she&nbsp;&nbsp;find&nbsp;but&nbsp;a&nbsp;PIG&nbsp;rooting&nbsp;around&nbsp;in&nbsp;it?<br>As&nbsp;it&nbsp;turns&nbsp;out,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;tourist&nbsp;family's&nbsp;pet<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;gotten&nbsp;&nbsp;loose,&nbsp;and&nbsp;there&nbsp;were&nbsp;happy,<br>oinky&nbsp;endings&nbsp;all&nbsp;around.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;way&nbsp;to<br>spend&nbsp;a&nbsp;Monday.<br><br>This&nbsp;was&nbsp;not&nbsp;the&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;animal&nbsp;sighting&nbsp;to<br>occur&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;past&nbsp;week.&nbsp;<br><br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;showing&nbsp;of&nbsp;"Matilda"&nbsp;down&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;ele-<br>mentary&nbsp;&nbsp;school&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;past&nbsp;&nbsp;weekend&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;<br>disrupted&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;by&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;bleating&nbsp;&nbsp;stampede&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>shaggy,&nbsp;&nbsp;smelly&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;goats&nbsp;--&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;high-<br>schoolers&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;set&nbsp;&nbsp;them&nbsp;&nbsp;free&nbsp;&nbsp;there&nbsp;are<br>going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;start&nbsp;&nbsp;doing&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;&nbsp;fast<br>community&nbsp;service,&nbsp;aren't&nbsp;they,&nbsp;Samual?
  
==May 18 2017==
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==January 23, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; I have&nbsp; to<br>applaud&nbsp; the&nbsp; folks trying to hook me up <br>with&nbsp; Bigfoot.&nbsp; Don't&nbsp; get&nbsp; me wrong.&nbsp; I <br>like...big...men&nbsp; as&nbsp; much as&nbsp; the&nbsp; next <br>woman,&nbsp; but&nbsp; the&nbsp; hair?&nbsp; Would&nbsp; YOU want <br>that&nbsp; between&nbsp; your&nbsp; teeth?&nbsp; Nice try, <br>kiddos.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of big men,&nbsp; I hear&nbsp; tell that<br>Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.<br>Tough to get prettier than he is, and my<br>reliable source&nbsp; confirms that they went<br>quite&nbsp; out&nbsp; of their way to have a very,<br>very expensive&nbsp; bite&nbsp; to&nbsp; eat.&nbsp; Keep the<br>beauties&nbsp; here,&nbsp; folks!&nbsp; Someone go&nbsp; get<br>rich and build a fancy restaurant called<br>Something Blue.&nbsp; Pay&nbsp; me&nbsp; a&nbsp; nice&nbsp; juicy<br>commission and the IP's yours!<br><br>Sadly, not&nbsp; everyone&nbsp; is hooking up this<br>week.&nbsp; Sorry,&nbsp; Betsy.&nbsp; I told you, lemon<br>juice down&nbsp; under&nbsp; on date night,&nbsp; not a<br>good&nbsp; idea.&nbsp; What guy&nbsp; wants his girl to<br>show up with yellow unmentionables?&nbsp; Not<br>any I know, that's for sure.&nbsp; Heard tell<br>of&nbsp; an&nbsp; oddball&nbsp; breakup&nbsp; at&nbsp; Crossroads<br>Cafe,&nbsp; too.&nbsp; Who'd&nbsp; WRITE&nbsp; their breakup<br>lines and&nbsp; hand them to a guy instead of<br>SAYING&nbsp; them?&nbsp; Then&nbsp; again, given who it<br>was,&nbsp; staying&nbsp; quiet's&nbsp; an&nbsp; improvement.<br>Sorry, kid.&nbsp; Stop by the paper some time<br>for a bad coffee.<br></span>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;looks&nbsp;as<br>though&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;manicurist&nbsp;in<br>town!&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;that&nbsp;Lou&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bang&nbsp;Bang<br>down&nbsp;at&nbsp;Crops&nbsp;and&nbsp;Bobbers&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;talk-<br>ing&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;stranger&nbsp;about&nbsp;settling<br>here.&nbsp;&nbsp;Lady,&nbsp;come&nbsp;stop&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;some<br>time&nbsp;and&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;chat.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;still&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit<br>of&nbsp;that&nbsp;good&nbsp;coffee&nbsp;left&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;office<br>vultures&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;managed&nbsp;to&nbsp;pilfer.<br><br>In&nbsp;other&nbsp;news,&nbsp;I&nbsp;finally&nbsp;snagged&nbsp;a&nbsp;source<br>young&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;clue&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;in&nbsp;on&nbsp;why&nbsp;we've<br>all&nbsp;been&nbsp;seeing&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;everywhere.&nbsp;Seems<br>like&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;&nbsp;kids&nbsp;started&nbsp;a<br>viral&nbsp;trend&nbsp;on&nbsp;TikTok&nbsp;called&nbsp;"angel&nbsp;dust-<br>ing"...&nbsp;The&nbsp;original&nbsp;form&nbsp;called&nbsp;for&nbsp;some<br>sort&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;container&nbsp;of&nbsp;white&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;to&nbsp;be<br>placed&nbsp;above&nbsp;a&nbsp;doorway,&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;aim&nbsp;of<br>having&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;fall&nbsp;onto&nbsp;the&nbsp;head&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;next<br>person&nbsp;walking&nbsp;through,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;one&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>younger&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;has&nbsp;informed<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;receiving&nbsp;the&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;inside&nbsp;of<br>an&nbsp;envelope,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;filming&nbsp;yourself&nbsp;doing<br>so,&nbsp;has&nbsp;also&nbsp;become&nbsp;a&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;trend.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;given&nbsp;the&nbsp;crisis&nbsp;going&nbsp;on&nbsp;with&nbsp;micro<br>plastics&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;oceans,&nbsp;I&nbsp;did&nbsp;feel&nbsp;the<br>need&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;reach&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;our&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;TikTok-<br>ker,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;pleasant&nbsp;surprise,<br>they&nbsp;had&nbsp;already&nbsp;established&nbsp;ground&nbsp;rules<br>requiring&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;followers&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;use&nbsp;eco-<br>glitters.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kudos,&nbsp;kid.&nbsp;&nbsp;You've&nbsp;got&nbsp;a&nbsp;good<br>head&nbsp;on&nbsp;those&nbsp;glitter-crowned&nbsp;shoulders.<br><br>Vazi,&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;hand...&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;heard<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;few&nbsp;&nbsp;conflicting&nbsp;&nbsp;opinions&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;how&nbsp;you<br>managed&nbsp;to&nbsp;break&nbsp;that&nbsp;ankle,&nbsp;kiddo.&nbsp;<br><br>&nbsp;1.&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;chasing&nbsp;a&nbsp;flying&nbsp;paper&nbsp;air-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;plane&nbsp;and&nbsp;ran&nbsp;off&nbsp;the&nbsp;roof.<br>&nbsp;2.&nbsp;You&nbsp;were&nbsp;out&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;lawn&nbsp;and&nbsp;slipped.<br>&nbsp;3.&nbsp;Your&nbsp;&nbsp;younger&nbsp;&nbsp;brother&nbsp;&nbsp;turned&nbsp;into&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;whirling&nbsp;&nbsp;dervish&nbsp;of&nbsp;dooooom&nbsp;and&nbsp;your<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ankle&nbsp;was&nbsp;sacrificed&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;Lego&nbsp;gods<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;tribute.<br><br>I'm&nbsp;going&nbsp;for&nbsp;Lego&nbsp;gods.&nbsp;If&nbsp;you&nbsp;have&nbsp;ever<br>had&nbsp;&nbsp;kids&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;had&nbsp;Legos,&nbsp;I&nbsp;know&nbsp;you&nbsp;will<br>be&nbsp;too.
  
==May 25 2017==
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==January 30, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; there&nbsp; was<br>quite the commotion over at our favorite<br>sap's&nbsp; book&nbsp; store.&nbsp; The&nbsp; way I hear it,<br>while the girl&nbsp; behind the counter tried<br>to&nbsp; hush&nbsp; it&nbsp; up&nbsp; with&nbsp; louder&nbsp; music,<br>customers report&nbsp; a&nbsp; woman&nbsp; shouting&nbsp; at<br>someone&nbsp; (three&nbsp; guesses who),&nbsp; and even<br>something&nbsp; shattering.&nbsp; Hoo boy,&nbsp; this<br>kid's&nbsp; a&nbsp; treat!&nbsp; Never leave.&nbsp; You make<br>my job a breeze, Kip.<br><br>Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?<br>Had&nbsp; a&nbsp; few muscled young farmers (hubba<br>hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying<br>around, no falconer in sight.<br><br>Mary&nbsp; Adams&nbsp; was mighty breezy, too, the<br>other&nbsp; day.&nbsp; What&nbsp; are you trying to do,<br>be&nbsp; Vermont's&nbsp; soggy&nbsp; Monroe?&nbsp; Who wears<br>white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?<br>Love&nbsp; &nbsp; the&nbsp; &nbsp; neon&nbsp; piglets&nbsp; on&nbsp; the<br>unmentionables.<br><br>Last&nbsp; but&nbsp; not least, catch it quick.&nbsp; I<br>hear they're power washing that horrible<br>wall&nbsp; lickety&nbsp; split&nbsp; to&nbsp; get&nbsp; it&nbsp; off.<br>Someone went and (spray)painted the city<br>red,&nbsp; some&nbsp; poem&nbsp; about&nbsp; sorrow and love<br>scribbled&nbsp; all&nbsp; over&nbsp; the&nbsp; side&nbsp; of&nbsp; a<br>building down&nbsp; by the corner of Rockdove<br>and&nbsp; Mack.&nbsp; Police&nbsp; are&nbsp; looking for the<br>artist to give them a talking to, and so<br>am I!&nbsp; I've&nbsp; got&nbsp; to&nbsp; know, how DID they<br>climb that wall?&nbsp; Do we have ourselves a<br>brand new Spiderman?<br></span>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>cute&nbsp;one&nbsp;for&nbsp;us.&nbsp;&nbsp;A&nbsp;special&nbsp;someone&nbsp;(hint<br>hint,&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;name&nbsp;rhymes&nbsp;with&nbsp;'hill'&nbsp;and&nbsp;he<br>owns&nbsp;a&nbsp;bar&nbsp;&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;town)&nbsp;is&nbsp;turning&nbsp;65<br>next&nbsp;&nbsp;week,&nbsp;and&nbsp;he&nbsp;may&nbsp;or&nbsp;may&nbsp;not&nbsp;be&nbsp;get-<br>ting&nbsp;a&nbsp;present&nbsp;from&nbsp;a&nbsp;mysterious&nbsp;benefac-<br>tor...&nbsp;If&nbsp;I&nbsp;were&nbsp;he,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;keep&nbsp;an&nbsp;eye&nbsp;out.<br>That&nbsp;gift&nbsp;looked&nbsp;hot!<br><br>In&nbsp;related&nbsp;news,&nbsp;kudos&nbsp;to&nbsp;your&nbsp;son,&nbsp;Bill,<br>though&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;seldom&nbsp;had&nbsp;more&nbsp;cause&nbsp;to<br>use&nbsp;the&nbsp;'facepalm'&nbsp;&nbsp;emoji&nbsp;than&nbsp;I&nbsp;did&nbsp;this<br>past&nbsp;weekend.&nbsp;&nbsp;For&nbsp;folks&nbsp;new&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;area,<br>Bill's&nbsp;&nbsp;son&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;trainee&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;local<br>volunteer&nbsp;firefighters.&nbsp;A&nbsp;tourist&nbsp;slipped<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;fell&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;southern&nbsp;bridge&nbsp;into<br>the&nbsp;Tam,&nbsp;and&nbsp;they're&nbsp;okay,&nbsp;thanks&nbsp;to&nbsp;Bill<br>and&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;&nbsp;bystanders,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;they<br>wouldn't&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;fallen&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;place<br>if&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;hadn't&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;&nbsp;bending&nbsp;&nbsp;backwards<br>upside&nbsp;down&nbsp;over&nbsp;the&nbsp;edge&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;railing<br>to&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;selfie...&nbsp;&nbsp;Their&nbsp;&nbsp;GoPro&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;not<br>rescued,&nbsp;and&nbsp;neither,&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told,&nbsp;was&nbsp;their<br>smartphone.&nbsp;&nbsp;Seriously,&nbsp;people.&nbsp;No&nbsp;selfie<br>is&nbsp;worth&nbsp;your&nbsp;life.&nbsp;&nbsp;Hypothermia&nbsp;is&nbsp;not&nbsp;a<br>joke.<br><br>That&nbsp;&nbsp;said,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;human,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;I&nbsp;can't&nbsp;help<br>but&nbsp;laugh&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;fails&nbsp;I've&nbsp;seen<br>on&nbsp;the&nbsp;internet.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let's&nbsp;&nbsp;turn&nbsp;this&nbsp;around<br>and&nbsp;check&nbsp;on&nbsp;YOU,&nbsp;my&nbsp;lovely&nbsp;readers:&nbsp;what<br>is&nbsp;YOUR&nbsp;most&nbsp;hilarious&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;fail?<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;for&nbsp;disclosure,&nbsp;&nbsp;Emma<br>Richards&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;&nbsp;paid&nbsp;&nbsp;me&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Cadbury&nbsp;Creme<br>Eggs&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;publically&nbsp;state&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;following:<br>she&nbsp;heard&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;grapevine&nbsp;that&nbsp;her&nbsp;long-<br>time&nbsp;&nbsp;boyfriend,&nbsp;&nbsp;who&nbsp;&nbsp;broke&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;with&nbsp;her<br>last&nbsp;Spring,&nbsp;&nbsp;has&nbsp;recently&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;accepted<br>into&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;NASA&nbsp;&nbsp;space&nbsp;&nbsp;program,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;she<br>hopes&nbsp;he&nbsp;does&nbsp;so&nbsp;well&nbsp;that&nbsp;he&nbsp;becomes&nbsp;one<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;next&nbsp;astronauts&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;land&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;the<br>Moon...and&nbsp;&nbsp;stays&nbsp;there,&nbsp;preferably&nbsp;alone<br>and&nbsp;choking&nbsp;on&nbsp;his&nbsp;own&nbsp;hot&nbsp;air.<br><br>Sorry,&nbsp;Dave.&nbsp;&nbsp;Shouldn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;done&nbsp;that.
  
==June 02 2017==
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==February 6, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we've&nbsp; had<br>a&nbsp; positive dearth&nbsp; (that's an SAT word,<br>Sally,&nbsp; but you&nbsp; wouldn't&nbsp; know that, on <br>account of skipping&nbsp; school to play with<br>Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from<br>the town's favorite bookstore owner.<br><br>Kip, you disappoint us.<br><br>News from Fort Brunsett&nbsp; says that local<br>Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity<br>like&nbsp; it's going out of style.&nbsp; The food<br>bank's&nbsp; sure&nbsp; to&nbsp; thank him, but where's<br>our cut?&nbsp; Hungry newspaper services need<br>to snack!&nbsp; I&nbsp; have a particular fondness<br>for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.<br><br>Those&nbsp; of&nbsp; you of a mind to go joining a <br>cult have got a&nbsp; new&nbsp; temple,&nbsp; I'm told.&nbsp; <br>Haven't&nbsp; visited&nbsp; myself,&nbsp; but&nbsp; reliable <br>sources say&nbsp; it's&nbsp; a&nbsp; hoot.&nbsp; Night club, <br>Fort&nbsp; Brunsett,&nbsp; keep&nbsp; your&nbsp; teens&nbsp; on <br>leashes, parents, because it sounds like<br>something right up their alley.<br><br>Last but&nbsp; not least, oh ho, not least by<br>far,&nbsp; we have a lovely contribution from <br>one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat.&nbsp; I hear <br>there&nbsp; was&nbsp; quite&nbsp; the handsome stud the <br>other day, took his clothes right off to <br>wash them all&nbsp; buck naked.&nbsp; A cowboy hat <br>over&nbsp; the fun bits really does ruin some <br>of the joy, but mister, whoever you are, <br>that grandmother says you can give her a <br>show&nbsp; whenever&nbsp; you like!&nbsp; Ladies,&nbsp; it's <br>time&nbsp; to&nbsp; break&nbsp; your washer and head to <br>the Laundromat because there's more than <br>suds perking up around there!<br></span>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;angel&nbsp;&nbsp;dust<br>has&nbsp;officially&nbsp;&nbsp;been&nbsp;sanctioned,&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;not<br>in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;good&nbsp;way,&nbsp;in&nbsp;a&nbsp;town&nbsp;hall&nbsp;meeting.<br>Local&nbsp;EMTs&nbsp;&nbsp;took&nbsp;three&nbsp;people&nbsp;down&nbsp;to&nbsp;the<br>hospital&nbsp;after&nbsp;a&nbsp;massive&nbsp;glitter-splosion<br>accident&nbsp;&nbsp;where&nbsp;balloons&nbsp;half-filled&nbsp;with<br>"angel&nbsp;dust"&nbsp;were&nbsp;popped&nbsp;by&nbsp;accident,&nbsp;all<br>at&nbsp;once,&nbsp;by&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;falling&nbsp;ladder&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;Town<br>Hall&nbsp;itself,&nbsp;sending&nbsp;&nbsp;pounds&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;stuff<br>right&nbsp;into&nbsp;eyes&nbsp;and&nbsp;airways.<br><br>On&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;bright&nbsp;side,&nbsp;you&nbsp;can&nbsp;be&nbsp;proud&nbsp;of<br>one&nbsp;thing:&nbsp;&nbsp;you,&nbsp;and&nbsp;your&nbsp;TikTok&nbsp;friends,<br>have&nbsp;leveraged&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;fifteen&nbsp;&nbsp;seconds&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>fame&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;officially&nbsp;labeled&nbsp;a<br>disturbance&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;peace.<br><br>Envelope-form&nbsp;only,&nbsp;kids.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;bad&nbsp;news.&nbsp;&nbsp;Nettle<br>won't&nbsp;be&nbsp;staying&nbsp;on&nbsp;as&nbsp;our&nbsp;new&nbsp;manicurist<br>after&nbsp;all,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;says&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;enjoyed<br>getting&nbsp;to&nbsp;know&nbsp;the&nbsp;ladies,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;some&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;gentlemen,&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;town&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;short<br>while&nbsp;she&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;here.&nbsp;&nbsp;We&nbsp;wish&nbsp;her&nbsp;all<br>the&nbsp;best&nbsp;in&nbsp;her&nbsp;new&nbsp;life&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;millionaire<br>lottery&nbsp;winner,&nbsp;lucky&nbsp;duck.&nbsp;&nbsp;When&nbsp;I&nbsp;asked<br>her&nbsp;about&nbsp;her&nbsp;plans,&nbsp;she&nbsp;said&nbsp;she&nbsp;and&nbsp;her<br>hubby&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;decided&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;find&nbsp;their&nbsp;dream<br>home&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;hills&nbsp;of&nbsp;Italy,&nbsp;and&nbsp;intend&nbsp;to<br>spend&nbsp;their&nbsp;days&nbsp;posting&nbsp;&nbsp;YouTube&nbsp;&nbsp;videos<br>of&nbsp;their&nbsp;costumed&nbsp;cats&nbsp;putting&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;feline<br>versions&nbsp;of&nbsp;Shakespeare.<br><br>To&nbsp;each&nbsp;her&nbsp;own,&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'll&nbsp;keep&nbsp;an&nbsp;eye&nbsp;out<br>for&nbsp;those&nbsp;videos,&nbsp;Nettle.&nbsp;&nbsp;Tombu&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;one<br>cute&nbsp;cat.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;as&nbsp;much&nbsp;as&nbsp;I&nbsp;would&nbsp;love&nbsp;to&nbsp;write&nbsp;all<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;entries&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;received&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;most<br>embarrassing&nbsp;selfies,&nbsp;my&nbsp;editor&nbsp;has&nbsp;asked<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;poll&nbsp;the&nbsp;office&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;top&nbsp;three,<br>and&nbsp;these&nbsp;are&nbsp;the&nbsp;result:<br><br>&nbsp;1.&nbsp;When&nbsp;taking&nbsp;a&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;windy&nbsp;tower<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;overseas,&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;who&nbsp;shall&nbsp;remain&nbsp;name-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;less&nbsp;at&nbsp;her&nbsp;own&nbsp;&nbsp;request&nbsp;felt&nbsp;quite&nbsp;a<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sudden&nbsp;breeze&nbsp;down&nbsp;below&nbsp;when&nbsp;her&nbsp;new<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sarong&nbsp;&nbsp;slipped&nbsp;&nbsp;free&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;her&nbsp;&nbsp;hips.&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;This&nbsp;wouldn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;been&nbsp;as&nbsp;much&nbsp;of&nbsp;an<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;issue&nbsp;if&nbsp;she&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;wearing&nbsp;her&nbsp;last<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;pair&nbsp;of&nbsp;"emergencies&nbsp;only"&nbsp;panties...<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;holes&nbsp;in&nbsp;awkward&nbsp;places.<br>&nbsp;2.&nbsp;Every&nbsp;time&nbsp;this&nbsp;gentleman&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;try<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;get&nbsp;a&nbsp;picture&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;himself&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;send<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;out&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;dating&nbsp;service,&nbsp;his&nbsp;cat&nbsp;Pogo<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;would&nbsp;&nbsp;somehow&nbsp;&nbsp;photo-bomb&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;shot,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;until&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;eventually&nbsp;gave&nbsp;in&nbsp;and&nbsp;just<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;held&nbsp;the&nbsp;cat.<br>&nbsp;3.&nbsp;A&nbsp;young&nbsp;woman&nbsp;thought&nbsp;she&nbsp;looked&nbsp;fab,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;went&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;take&nbsp;a&nbsp;selfie&nbsp;of&nbsp;herself<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Park.&nbsp;&nbsp;Satisfied,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;she&nbsp;posted&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;picture&nbsp;to&nbsp;her&nbsp;social<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;media&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;accounts,&nbsp;&nbsp;only&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;receive&nbsp;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;message&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;after&nbsp;&nbsp;message&nbsp;&nbsp;asking&nbsp;&nbsp;her<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;the&nbsp;dogs.&nbsp;&nbsp;Puzzled&nbsp;by&nbsp;this,&nbsp;she<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;looked&nbsp;&nbsp;more&nbsp;&nbsp;closely&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;selfie,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;lo&nbsp;and&nbsp;behold,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;pair&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;dog-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;walkers&nbsp;were&nbsp;chatting&nbsp;on&nbsp;a&nbsp;bench,&nbsp;and<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;their&nbsp;&nbsp;pooches&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;doing&nbsp;it,&nbsp;doggy-<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;style&nbsp;of&nbsp;course,&nbsp;behind&nbsp;them.<br><br>Immortalized&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;internet.&nbsp;Ever&nbsp;wonder<br>what&nbsp;aliens&nbsp;would&nbsp;think&nbsp;about&nbsp;our&nbsp;species<br>if&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;watched&nbsp;&nbsp;what&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;post&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;<br>universe&nbsp;to&nbsp;see?
  
==June 08 2017==
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==February 13, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we<br>had a record number of&nbsp; Web hits for SAT<br>words to stump me with. Try harder. <br><br>I have a few for you, my rabid readers:<br> * semaphore<br> * duress<br> * substantiate<br><br>They&nbsp; are&nbsp; all,&nbsp; one&nbsp; is&nbsp; certain, quite <br>appropriate words to use when describing<br>the&nbsp; delectable&nbsp; moaning&nbsp; at&nbsp; a&nbsp; certain <br>bookstore&nbsp; owner's&nbsp; table&nbsp; this&nbsp; week.&nbsp; <br>Surrounded&nbsp; by&nbsp; two&nbsp; women,&nbsp; no&nbsp; less.<br>In public.&nbsp; Kip, Kip, groupies already. <br><br>It&nbsp; sounds&nbsp; like one of those moaners is <br>prepping&nbsp; for&nbsp; a&nbsp; street fair, soon, and <br>wants me to get wet along with her.&nbsp; Far <br>be it from me to deny dunk tanks for <br>charity.<br><br>Hear that,&nbsp; Lou?&nbsp; That's&nbsp; the sound of a<br>good&nbsp; dye&nbsp; job spiraling down the drain,<br>and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.<br></span>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>Kip&nbsp;Kensington-esque&nbsp;Valentine's&nbsp;Day&nbsp;fail<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;share&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;all.&nbsp;&nbsp;No,&nbsp;sadly,&nbsp;Kip<br>himself&nbsp;is&nbsp;not&nbsp;a&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;it.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kip,&nbsp;you're<br>being&nbsp;entirely&nbsp;too&nbsp;circumspect&nbsp;lately.<br><br>But&nbsp;enough&nbsp;of&nbsp;Kip.&nbsp;&nbsp;On&nbsp;to&nbsp;today's&nbsp;gossip!<br>Upon&nbsp;waking&nbsp;up&nbsp;yesterday&nbsp;morning,&nbsp;the&nbsp;80-<br>year&nbsp;&nbsp;old&nbsp;Mrs.&nbsp;Mitchell,&nbsp;a&nbsp;retired&nbsp;school<br>counselor,&nbsp;&nbsp;looked&nbsp;out&nbsp;her&nbsp;front&nbsp;door&nbsp;and<br>saw&nbsp;that&nbsp;she&nbsp;had&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;package&nbsp;waiting.&nbsp;&nbsp;Not<br>having&nbsp;ordered&nbsp;anything&nbsp;recently,&nbsp;she&nbsp;was<br>curious&nbsp;nonetheless,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;anonymity&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;box&nbsp;and&nbsp;its&nbsp;sender&nbsp;really&nbsp;should&nbsp;have<br>been&nbsp;a&nbsp;clue.<br><br>Long&nbsp;story&nbsp;short:&nbsp;a&nbsp;delivery&nbsp;of&nbsp;very&nbsp;sexy<br>toys&nbsp;and&nbsp;playthings&nbsp;spilled&nbsp;out&nbsp;in&nbsp;rubber<br>and&nbsp;lace&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;her&nbsp;table...<br><br>Thankfully,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;"loving"&nbsp;note&nbsp;inside<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;box&nbsp;sent&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;items&nbsp;did&nbsp;include<br>the&nbsp;name&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;intended&nbsp;&nbsp;recipient,&nbsp;a<br>young&nbsp;&nbsp;woman&nbsp;who&nbsp;lived&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;house&nbsp;next<br>door.&nbsp;&nbsp;Let&nbsp;&nbsp;this&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;lesson&nbsp;to&nbsp;all&nbsp;who<br>order&nbsp;&nbsp;gifts&nbsp;&nbsp;online:&nbsp;&nbsp;double-check&nbsp;&nbsp;your<br>delivery&nbsp;addresses,&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;could&nbsp;&nbsp;send<br>kinky&nbsp;sex&nbsp;toys&nbsp;to&nbsp;grandmothers&nbsp;with&nbsp;heart<br>conditions.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;delving,&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;you&nbsp;all&nbsp;been<br>watching&nbsp;the&nbsp;news?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;think<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;prospectors&nbsp;looking&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;mine<br>again?&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;&nbsp;town&nbsp;could&nbsp;use&nbsp;the&nbsp;money,&nbsp;as<br>Mayor&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;would&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;quick&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;agree,&nbsp;but<br>is&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;worth&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;have&nbsp;all&nbsp;that&nbsp;noise<br>and&nbsp;fuss?&nbsp;&nbsp;Why&nbsp;don't&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;just&nbsp;&nbsp;make&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;a<br>historic&nbsp;landmark&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;done&nbsp;with&nbsp;all<br>of&nbsp;this?<br><br>In&nbsp;lighter&nbsp;news,&nbsp;parents,&nbsp;don't&nbsp;forget&nbsp;to<br>pay&nbsp;a&nbsp;visit&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;library&nbsp;on&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street<br>before&nbsp;&nbsp;Saturday.&nbsp;&nbsp;There's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;kiddie&nbsp;pool<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;Goldfish&nbsp;&nbsp;crackers&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;challenge&nbsp;to<br>guess&nbsp;&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;many&nbsp;are&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;pool&nbsp;for&nbsp;you<br>and&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;kidlets&nbsp;to&nbsp;win.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;don't<br>have&nbsp;&nbsp;time&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;in&nbsp;person,&nbsp;you&nbsp;can&nbsp;also<br>submit&nbsp;&nbsp;bets&nbsp;&nbsp;online,&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;library&nbsp;web-<br>site.
  
==June 15 2017==
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==February 20, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &<br>State" by a mystery admirer.&nbsp; Patron's a<br>little masculine, don't you think?&nbsp; I'll<br>put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm<br>up for titles, folks.&nbsp; Or Maven.&nbsp; That's<br>much better.&nbsp; What do YOU think?<br><br>The bonbons were delicious.&nbsp; Thank you!<br><br>Speaking of&nbsp; admirers,&nbsp; Tommy,&nbsp; you know <br>that little word Rebecah told you at the<br>farm?&nbsp; I hear you didn't.&nbsp; Also,&nbsp; keep a <br>better eye out for security cameras next<br>time&nbsp; you&nbsp; and&nbsp; the&nbsp; boys&nbsp; want&nbsp; to <br>'anonymously' egg my house, and at least <br>dye&nbsp; the&nbsp; shells&nbsp; first.&nbsp; White's&nbsp; so <br>ordinary, don't you think?<br><br>I&nbsp; hear&nbsp; tell&nbsp; the&nbsp; statue&nbsp; down&nbsp; on <br>Stagbridge&nbsp; got itself a golden surprise <br>of its&nbsp; own,&nbsp; not&nbsp; to mention any of the <br>cars&nbsp; driving past it.&nbsp; I think my tires <br>aspire&nbsp; toward&nbsp; pole-dancing,&nbsp; as&nbsp; much <br>glitter as&nbsp; they've got in their treads.&nbsp; <br>Gallons of gold glitter, I can see.&nbsp; The <br>gold&nbsp; top&nbsp; hat and suit?&nbsp; Sure hope they <br>don't&nbsp; want&nbsp; those&nbsp; back.&nbsp; I&nbsp; distinctly <br>recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.<br></span>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;as&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;turns<br>out,&nbsp;cats&nbsp;really&nbsp;do&nbsp;know&nbsp;best&nbsp;about&nbsp;gold-<br>fish.&nbsp;&nbsp;Jack&nbsp;Desrochers&nbsp;Jr.&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;the&nbsp;winner<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;kiddie-pool&nbsp;contest,&nbsp;but&nbsp;the&nbsp;real<br>prize&nbsp;&nbsp;should&nbsp;be&nbsp;going&nbsp;to&nbsp;Bojangles,&nbsp;who,<br>I'm&nbsp;told,&nbsp;stood&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;numpad,&nbsp;&nbsp;then&nbsp;sat<br>his&nbsp;fuzzy&nbsp;patoot&nbsp;down&nbsp;right&nbsp;on&nbsp;top&nbsp;of&nbsp;Mr.<br>Desrochers'&nbsp;mouse-hand.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Jack,&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;should&nbsp;know&nbsp;better&nbsp;than&nbsp;to&nbsp;ig-<br>nore&nbsp;&nbsp;Bojangles.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;what&nbsp;happened<br>last&nbsp;time.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;Rocco,&nbsp;what's&nbsp;this&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;about&nbsp;you<br>and&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;colorful&nbsp;&nbsp;young&nbsp;&nbsp;woman&nbsp;&nbsp;talking<br>about&nbsp;&nbsp;moving&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;together?&nbsp;&nbsp;Dana&nbsp;Shelley<br>says&nbsp;she&nbsp;overheard&nbsp;you&nbsp;two&nbsp;chatting&nbsp;about<br>looking&nbsp;for&nbsp;a&nbsp;place.&nbsp;&nbsp;And&nbsp;here&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;thought<br>that&nbsp;&nbsp;girl&nbsp;&nbsp;had&nbsp;better&nbsp;taste...&nbsp;Guess&nbsp;all<br>it&nbsp;&nbsp;takes&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;melt&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;heart&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;ice&nbsp;is&nbsp;a<br>washed&nbsp;&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;(please,&nbsp;wash&nbsp;up)&nbsp;punk&nbsp;rocker<br>with&nbsp;a&nbsp;mouth&nbsp;in&nbsp;need&nbsp;of&nbsp;soap.<br><br>Johnny&nbsp;Quilby&nbsp;&nbsp;knows&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;about&nbsp;mouths&nbsp;in<br>need&nbsp;of&nbsp;soaping,&nbsp;now,&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;&nbsp;he?&nbsp;&nbsp;Shame<br>on&nbsp;you,&nbsp;teaching&nbsp;your&nbsp;baby&nbsp;brother&nbsp;to&nbsp;say<br>those&nbsp;bad&nbsp;words.&nbsp;Thank&nbsp;you&nbsp;for&nbsp;the&nbsp;laughs<br>we&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;here&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;office,&nbsp;however,<br>from&nbsp;&nbsp;watching&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;videos&nbsp;you&nbsp;posted&nbsp;on<br>the&nbsp;internet...&nbsp;Just&nbsp;wait&nbsp;until&nbsp;he&nbsp;gets&nbsp;a<br>little&nbsp;&nbsp;older&nbsp;and&nbsp;learns&nbsp;what&nbsp;those&nbsp;words<br>all&nbsp;mean.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;surprised&nbsp;YOU&nbsp;do.<br><br>The&nbsp;&nbsp;rangers&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;one&nbsp;for&nbsp;us,&nbsp;too,<br>and&nbsp;I&nbsp;could&nbsp;have&nbsp;done&nbsp;without&nbsp;this&nbsp;one...<br>Evidently,&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;herd&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;deer&nbsp;has&nbsp;somehow<br>decided&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;use&nbsp;a&nbsp;particular&nbsp;&nbsp;section&nbsp;&nbsp;of<br>the&nbsp;&nbsp;forest&nbsp;as&nbsp;their&nbsp;personal&nbsp;toilet.&nbsp;&nbsp;He<br>has&nbsp;never&nbsp;&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;much&nbsp;deer&nbsp;crap&nbsp;in&nbsp;his<br>career,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;he&nbsp;hopes&nbsp;he&nbsp;never&nbsp;sees&nbsp;that<br>much&nbsp;again.&nbsp;&nbsp;Or&nbsp;steps&nbsp;in&nbsp;it.<br><br>Mr.&nbsp;Fry,&nbsp;I&nbsp;hope&nbsp;so&nbsp;too,&nbsp;and&nbsp;please&nbsp;let&nbsp;me<br>know&nbsp;&nbsp;how&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;bribe&nbsp;of&nbsp;movie&nbsp;tickets&nbsp;for<br>you&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;wife&nbsp;work&nbsp;out,&nbsp;for&nbsp;telling<br>me&nbsp;which&nbsp;valley&nbsp;to&nbsp;avoid.
  
==June 22 2017==
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==February 27, 2020==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; I have the<br>inestimable joy&nbsp; of&nbsp; reporting that&nbsp; our<br>much-reported Kip is back in the paper:<br><br>HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!<br><br>Which of your girlfriends did you invite<br>to the party?<br><br>If&nbsp; you&nbsp; haven't&nbsp; checked&nbsp; out our local<br>Instagram&nbsp; princess,&nbsp; take a&nbsp; gander&nbsp; at <br>Franklyn Garreau.&nbsp; Then again,&nbsp; reliable<br>sources indicate she&nbsp; may be dating C.B.<br>Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?<br><br>I don't know about poaching, but setting<br>hearts on&nbsp; fire&nbsp; is&nbsp; one thing.&nbsp; Setting<br>hunks of&nbsp; fence&nbsp; on&nbsp; fire&nbsp; is&nbsp; something<br>altogether&nbsp; different, and the volunteer<br>firefighters&nbsp; are&nbsp; still looking for the<br>culprit&nbsp; on&nbsp; that&nbsp; one.&nbsp; Who&nbsp; needs&nbsp; a<br>bonfire in THIS weather?<br><br>No,&nbsp; Henrietta,&nbsp; despite best efforts to<br>the contrary,&nbsp; the burning smell down by<br>the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's<br>caboose.&nbsp; What&nbsp; sound&nbsp; DOES a frying pan<br>full&nbsp; of hot&nbsp; potatoes make against bare <br>skin?<br></span>
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;been<br>informed&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;Rocco&nbsp;would&nbsp;never&nbsp;consent<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;degree&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;cleanliness&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;non-<br>smoking&nbsp;which&nbsp;would&nbsp;be&nbsp;required&nbsp;to&nbsp;cohab-<br>itate&nbsp;with&nbsp;November.<br><br>Crushing&nbsp;our&nbsp;dreams&nbsp;of&nbsp;romance&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;bud<br>seems&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;theme,&nbsp;lately,&nbsp;but&nbsp;don't<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;worry,&nbsp;readers.&nbsp;&nbsp;Sit&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;Crossroads<br>Cafe&nbsp;long&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;you'll&nbsp;see&nbsp;exactly<br>what&nbsp;I&nbsp;mean.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;cafe,&nbsp;Elmer,&nbsp;if&nbsp;I&nbsp;were<br>you,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;give&nbsp;up&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;giant&nbsp;bouquets&nbsp;of<br>roses&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;go&nbsp;&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;something&nbsp;subtler.&nbsp;&nbsp;A<br>nice&nbsp;necklace,&nbsp;or&nbsp;a&nbsp;bracelet...&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;I've<br>heard&nbsp;rumours&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;new&nbsp;jeweler&nbsp;setting&nbsp;up<br>shop&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;city&nbsp;at&nbsp;the&nbsp;farmer's<br>market.&nbsp;&nbsp;She&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;have&nbsp;much&nbsp;stock,&nbsp;but<br>she&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;&nbsp;she's&nbsp;made&nbsp;it&nbsp;all&nbsp;herself,&nbsp;and<br>my&nbsp;sources&nbsp;&nbsp;claim&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;gems&nbsp;&nbsp;look&nbsp;&nbsp;real,<br>engraved&nbsp;silver,&nbsp;filigree&nbsp;pendants,&nbsp;semi-<br>precious&nbsp;stones&nbsp;and&nbsp;all.<br><br>We're&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;closer&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;March,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the<br>time&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;green&nbsp;&nbsp;beer&nbsp;&nbsp;approaches.&nbsp;I&nbsp;got&nbsp;a<br>sneak&nbsp;&nbsp;peek&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;vats&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;at&nbsp;I&nbsp;Feel<br>Hoppy&nbsp;this&nbsp;week,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;brewery&nbsp;is&nbsp;kick-<br>ing&nbsp;into&nbsp;gear,&nbsp;big-time.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>What&nbsp;do&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;think?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;What's&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;&nbsp;ideal<br>green&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;beer?&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;&nbsp;going&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;<br>drinking&nbsp;&nbsp;dye,&nbsp;I'd&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;all&nbsp;the&nbsp;way<br>in,&nbsp;but&nbsp;on&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;hand,&nbsp;if&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;can<br>use&nbsp;natural&nbsp;ingredients&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;achieve&nbsp;simi-<br>lar&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;coloration&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;without&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;sacrificing<br>flavor,&nbsp;&nbsp;which&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;claim&nbsp;they&nbsp;are&nbsp;going<br>to&nbsp;do,&nbsp;why&nbsp;not?
  
==June 29 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp;  T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell<br>we have a man down in the city who needs<br>to be disabused of his avian heredity. I<br>don't know what drugs he was on,&nbsp; but if<br>they can make&nbsp; a&nbsp; guy jump out of a tree<br>forty feet high, they've got to be some-<br>thing.&nbsp; Kids,&nbsp; don't do drugs.&nbsp; Hospital<br>bills are killers.<br><br>So are&nbsp; hunters,&nbsp; but&nbsp; it's not a hunter<br>bugging deer this time.&nbsp; Seems there was<br>a&nbsp; fight down at the The Union bar,&nbsp; not<br>unusual,&nbsp; Alexanders&nbsp; being&nbsp; Alexanders.<br>The&nbsp; hotties&nbsp; in&nbsp; blue didn't want it to <br>get out,&nbsp; but come, officers, how can we<br>resist?&nbsp; The deer&nbsp; was cheating, see. It<br>helped&nbsp; the&nbsp;  other&nbsp; guy out,&nbsp; but in my<br>humble&nbsp;  opinion,&nbsp; the&nbsp; deer's&nbsp; the real <br>victim here; it already died once. Let's<br>leave that buck alone.<br><br>Last&nbsp; but not least,&nbsp; this&nbsp; juicy tidbit <br>was witnessed by yours truly down at the<br>Crossroads Cafe&nbsp; just yesterday.&nbsp; Is our<br>favorite Kip being left behind?&nbsp; Mina, I<br>have to say,&nbsp; you look fabulous.&nbsp; Unlike<br>your choice in men.<br><br>Really, that hair?&nbsp; <br><br>Sid, darling,&nbsp; thank you for the flower.<br>Get a tailor.&nbsp; And a hairdresser.&nbsp; Don't<br>forget a barber.<br></span>
 
 
==July 06 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">--------------------------------------&nbsp; &nbsp;--------------------------------------<br><br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;LETTER to the EDITOR<br><br>Dear Ms. Schmitt,&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; reputations in&nbsp; public.&nbsp; Is&nbsp; this what<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;the&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;area's&nbsp; &nbsp; populace&nbsp; &nbsp; consider<br>Since&nbsp; no one&nbsp; else will&nbsp; condemn your&nbsp; &nbsp;"entertainment"?&nbsp; &nbsp;Are&nbsp; you&nbsp; making&nbsp; a<br>travesty&nbsp; of&nbsp; a column,&nbsp; it falls upon&nbsp; &nbsp;living&nbsp; off&nbsp; the&nbsp; suffering of others?<br>me to do so. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Then&nbsp; you&nbsp; need&nbsp; to&nbsp; stop and consider<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;what&nbsp; &nbsp;you're&nbsp; doing,&nbsp; not&nbsp; just&nbsp; what<br>In&nbsp; an&nbsp; area&nbsp; the&nbsp; size&nbsp; of&nbsp; the&nbsp; Fort&nbsp; &nbsp;generates&nbsp; more&nbsp; subscribers&nbsp; for your<br>Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column&nbsp; &nbsp;newspaper.<br>like&nbsp; yours&nbsp; can&nbsp; only&nbsp; sow strife and&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>discord.&nbsp; You're no doubt aware of the&nbsp; &nbsp;I&nbsp; will&nbsp; be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,<br>damage&nbsp; your&nbsp; column&nbsp; does,&nbsp; &nbsp;but&nbsp; you&nbsp; &nbsp;and&nbsp; I&nbsp; know I'm not the only one.&nbsp; We <br>continue thanks&nbsp; to "loyal" readership&nbsp; &nbsp;the people&nbsp; will&nbsp; not&nbsp; be&nbsp; silenced or<br>who&nbsp; likely slaver for whatever scraps&nbsp; &nbsp;intimidated by your petty,&nbsp; small-town <br>you deign to give them.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; small-mindedness.&nbsp; Remember&nbsp; that&nbsp; you<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;are&nbsp; &nbsp;a&nbsp; &nbsp;public&nbsp; figure,&nbsp; and&nbsp; public<br>You should be&nbsp; ashamed of yourself.&nbsp; I&nbsp; &nbsp;figures have a duty to do right by the<br>have&nbsp; personally&nbsp; witnessed&nbsp; or&nbsp; heard&nbsp; &nbsp;public.<br>tales&nbsp; of&nbsp; &nbsp;your&nbsp; &nbsp;column&nbsp; threatening&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>relationships,&nbsp; &nbsp;striking&nbsp; unnecessary&nbsp; &nbsp;Be seeing you,<br>terror&nbsp; into&nbsp; the hearts of the timid,&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>and&nbsp; causing people&nbsp; to fear for their&nbsp; &nbsp;Number Six <br><br>--------------------------------------&nbsp; &nbsp;--------------------------------------<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;trouble was looming overhead.<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Even Jack's.&nbsp; Don't listen to protests<br>This&nbsp; week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; I&nbsp; have&nbsp; &nbsp;otherwise.<br>the&nbsp; unalloyed&nbsp; joy&nbsp; of&nbsp; a threatening&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>letter to report, my rabid readers! It&nbsp; &nbsp;Second,&nbsp; I&nbsp; do&nbsp; have&nbsp; rather&nbsp; a lovely <br>slanders&nbsp; my&nbsp; reputation,&nbsp; which&nbsp; I am&nbsp; &nbsp;word&nbsp; affair with Kip, don't I?&nbsp; He is<br>perfectly&nbsp; capable of doing on my own,&nbsp; &nbsp;an&nbsp; exquisite&nbsp; &nbsp;example&nbsp; of&nbsp; the&nbsp; male<br>darling Six,&nbsp; and claims&nbsp; a conspiracy&nbsp; &nbsp;species.&nbsp; By&nbsp; drawing attention to the<br>of watchers -- just for me!&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; pairings I&nbsp; &nbsp;do,&nbsp; &nbsp;I&nbsp; serve&nbsp; a&nbsp; social<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;purpose&nbsp; &nbsp;beyond&nbsp; &nbsp;my&nbsp; &nbsp;own&nbsp; pleasure, <br>I'm flattered. Truly.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; though&nbsp; I&nbsp; will be first to assure you<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;that writing about Kip is never dull.<br>Also,&nbsp; typewriters&nbsp; are fantastic, and&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>I&nbsp; would&nbsp; love&nbsp; to chat with you about&nbsp; &nbsp;Gossip brings people together.<br>the&nbsp; ink you&nbsp; used.&nbsp; I have an Olympia&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>myself,&nbsp; &nbsp;manual&nbsp; of&nbsp; course.&nbsp; There's&nbsp; &nbsp;Social rules these days aren't written<br>something&nbsp; so&nbsp; authentic&nbsp; about&nbsp; using&nbsp; &nbsp;in a&nbsp; book.&nbsp; We live them.&nbsp; By shining<br>equipment&nbsp; which&nbsp; will&nbsp; last a hundred&nbsp; &nbsp;the light&nbsp; of day on transgressions, I<br>years.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;show&nbsp; the community where it could use<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,<br>Don't you agree?&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I&nbsp; make them&nbsp; laugh about it.&nbsp; We're a<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;small town in a great big world.<br>I do,&nbsp; however,&nbsp; disagree&nbsp; with you on&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>several points. Let us address them in&nbsp; &nbsp;Does the entire town need to know that<br>order, shall we?&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday<br>First,&nbsp; size&nbsp; has&nbsp; nothing&nbsp; to do with&nbsp; &nbsp;afternoon&nbsp; &nbsp;at&nbsp; church?&nbsp; Probably not,<br>the&nbsp; media's ability&nbsp; to influence the&nbsp; &nbsp;but the shame of it will keep the girl<br>public.&nbsp; &nbsp;It&nbsp; &nbsp;is&nbsp; our&nbsp; duty&nbsp; and&nbsp; our&nbsp; &nbsp;from doing it again,&nbsp; now,&nbsp; won't&nbsp; it,<br>privilege to report,&nbsp; faithfully,&nbsp; the&nbsp; &nbsp;Essie?<br>issues of the modern era.&nbsp; In my case,&nbsp; &nbsp;<br>this&nbsp; being&nbsp; an&nbsp; entertainment column,&nbsp; &nbsp;Does the entire town need to know that<br>yes,&nbsp; dear,&nbsp; revenues&nbsp; do&nbsp; indicate&nbsp; a&nbsp; &nbsp;I&nbsp; admired&nbsp; the&nbsp; hot new teller at the <br>significant value&nbsp; in my opinions, and&nbsp; &nbsp;hardware store?&nbsp; Probably&nbsp; not, but he<br>I&nbsp; have the personal gratitude of many&nbsp; &nbsp;should be a firefighter so I can get a<br>who&nbsp; would&nbsp; otherwise never have known&nbsp; &nbsp;calendar and&nbsp; think&nbsp; about my misspent<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;youth...<br><br></span>
 
 
==July 13 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>delighted by the show of support from my<br>loyal&nbsp; readers.&nbsp; Thank&nbsp; you&nbsp; &nbsp;for&nbsp; &nbsp;your<br>letters, ladies and gents.<br><br>As&nbsp; for Six...&nbsp; Surely&nbsp; you were joking.<br>Telling&nbsp; &nbsp;me&nbsp; &nbsp;to&nbsp; &nbsp;throw&nbsp; &nbsp; my&nbsp; darling <br>typewriter&nbsp; out&nbsp; a&nbsp; window&nbsp; is&nbsp; not&nbsp; the <br>commentary of&nbsp; a&nbsp; man who truly respects <br>his machines.&nbsp; <br><br>On better news, our beloved Kip has used<br>the&nbsp; kerfuffle to&nbsp; earn&nbsp; money&nbsp; for&nbsp; the <br>local&nbsp; library,&nbsp; for&nbsp; which I thank him, <br>and&nbsp; I&nbsp; only&nbsp; regret&nbsp; he wasn't there to <br>sell&nbsp; me&nbsp; my&nbsp; 'E'&nbsp; pin&nbsp; all&nbsp; by himself.&nbsp; <br>He did,&nbsp; however, give me&nbsp; my&nbsp; very own, <br>via Ms. Green, for which I thank him.&nbsp; I<br>always knew I was a Queen!<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of queens,&nbsp; I hear tell one of <br>Kip's&nbsp; many ladies&nbsp; may&nbsp; be&nbsp; hitting the <br>stage again,&nbsp; and&nbsp; wouldn't that&nbsp; &nbsp;be&nbsp; a <br>treat?&nbsp; &nbsp;Break&nbsp; a&nbsp; leg, Mina!&nbsp; I forgive<br>your lapse in judgement.&nbsp; <br><br>For the rest of the Sixers out there,&nbsp; I<br>fully&nbsp; expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a<br>la&nbsp; West Side Story,&nbsp; down&nbsp; Main Street.<br>Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,<br>can't you?&nbsp; I know you will.<br></span>
 
 
==July 20 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>a record number of fender benders, and I<br>can't&nbsp; say I blame them.&nbsp; 'Pretty Woman'<br>doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were<br>less happily married to my job,&nbsp; I might<br>be jealous&nbsp; at&nbsp; all the&nbsp; attention she's<br>been getting.&nbsp; Whoever she is.<br><br>Keep&nbsp; an&nbsp; eye out down by the riverbank.<br>Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want<br>any accidents.<br><br>In other news,&nbsp; it&nbsp; seems Cyclone is off<br>the&nbsp; hook&nbsp; for the latest&nbsp; public brawl,<br>folks.&nbsp; None other than our favorite Kip<br>was seen at Homepage Books duking it out<br>with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ<br>on whether it was over who was better in<br>the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.<br><br>Personally, seeing as there was shouting<br>and carrying on from at least two women,<br>one&nbsp; of&nbsp; which is the&nbsp; lovely Mina,&nbsp; the <br>other of which is an Angel,&nbsp; I'm leaning<br>toward&nbsp; the&nbsp; gentlemen brawling over hot<br>dates.&nbsp; Or their dates' honor...<br><br>I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl<br>for MY honor, that's for sure.&nbsp; What do<br>you&nbsp; say,&nbsp; folks?&nbsp; Feel up&nbsp; to fighting <br>the good fight?<br></span>
 
 
==July 27 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>very little gossip-worthy action. Such a<br>shame.<br><br>That said,&nbsp; Kip,&nbsp; you&nbsp; should go out and<br>talk&nbsp; to Emma about cows.&nbsp; I hear tell a<br>heifer had a thing or two to&nbsp; say&nbsp; about<br>a certain someone daydreaming instead of<br>paying attention to where she was going.<br><br>Crews are&nbsp; still working to clean up the<br>tree limbs&nbsp; brought&nbsp; down&nbsp; by that freak <br>thunderstorm&nbsp; earlier this week,&nbsp; so&nbsp; be <br>patient&nbsp; &nbsp;and&nbsp; &nbsp;be&nbsp; careful&nbsp; &nbsp;if&nbsp; you're <br>thinking about hiking&nbsp; up Salvation.&nbsp; If <br>you're&nbsp; &nbsp;thinking&nbsp; &nbsp; about&nbsp; &nbsp;hiking&nbsp; &nbsp;up <br>Mischance,&nbsp; take care, and watch out for <br>Adam&nbsp; Morrison.&nbsp; &nbsp;Young,&nbsp; &nbsp;black&nbsp; &nbsp;hair, <br>creative.&nbsp; His&nbsp; friends said he was last <br>seen&nbsp; near the mines during a LARP.&nbsp; The <br>Miller boys intend to do a grid search <br>of the area this weekend if he isn't <br>found.<br></span>
 
 
==August 17 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; at&nbsp; last I<br>return from two weeks in sunny,&nbsp; utterly<br>dull&nbsp; and&nbsp; boring Florida.&nbsp; Not a single <br>thing worthy of my talents, which says a<br>bit in&nbsp; and of itself.&nbsp; I'm&nbsp; with Green,<br>Frank.&nbsp; Arcadia's a bad idea.<br><br>I hear tell life around town got all the<br>excitement I missed!&nbsp; Riot #1, exploding<br>ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague<br>Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight<br>and local DJ for WFBR,&nbsp; has been sharing<br>that British charm with anyone who asks.<br>Lie back and think of England, indeed.<br><br>A little birdy&nbsp; with&nbsp; much&nbsp; better pitch<br>than a certain laundromat&nbsp; owner tweeted<br>about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,<br>last Friday,&nbsp; if by good you mean a rip-<br>roaring&nbsp; riot&nbsp; over local-author-on-the-<br>lam C.B. Alexander,&nbsp; poetry and,&nbsp; oddly,<br>the&nbsp; &nbsp;rights&nbsp; of&nbsp; vegetables.&nbsp; Exploding<br>lights,&nbsp; this time, instead of ice cream<br>tubs, but this reporter wonders.<br><br>Last&nbsp; but&nbsp; not&nbsp; least,&nbsp; hometown hopeful<br>Cameron Lefevre&nbsp; has&nbsp; returned&nbsp; from his<br>failure at acquiring success and musical<br>obscurity.&nbsp; Don't worry, Cam.&nbsp; We're all<br>family&nbsp; here.&nbsp; No&nbsp; one will ever forget,<br>but&nbsp; we&nbsp; laugh&nbsp; because&nbsp; we&nbsp; care.&nbsp; Also<br>because it was hilarious&nbsp; schadenfreude,<br>but that's beside the point.<br><br>Welcome home.&nbsp; Bring an extra string&nbsp; to<br>your show in the park next week, kiddo.<br></span>
 
 
==August 24 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we&nbsp; say&nbsp; a<br>fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,<br>long-term&nbsp; member of the community,&nbsp; and<br>I, for one, will miss his sermons on the<br>souls of fruitcakes.&nbsp; Remember, it's all<br>in the nuts.<br><br>What a surprise to hear&nbsp; about Mr.&nbsp; C.B.<br>'Copfire' Alexander&nbsp; being nuts himself.<br>Takes one to know one,&nbsp; right?&nbsp; &nbsp;Bet his<br>book sales&nbsp; are&nbsp; going through the roof.<br>Kudos, kid.&nbsp; Pity&nbsp; it wasn't just a pub-<br>licity stunt.&nbsp; Or was it?<br><br>Get this, too.&nbsp; At a reader's request, I<br>sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They<br>just&nbsp; sent&nbsp; their response:&nbsp; not&nbsp; just a<br>letter,&nbsp; but&nbsp; an actual FORM letter from<br>Sai&nbsp; &nbsp;Joshi,&nbsp; he&nbsp; &nbsp;of&nbsp; the&nbsp; incomparable <br>eyelashes,&nbsp; stating&nbsp; that&nbsp; while&nbsp; he&nbsp; is <br>aware they are abnormally long, they are <br>quite natural.<br><br>A form letter. <br><br>This begs the question:&nbsp; how many people<br>ask about&nbsp; his&nbsp; eyelashes?&nbsp; &nbsp;Has he ever<br>thought about&nbsp; trimming&nbsp; them?&nbsp; Cosmetic<br>eyelash&nbsp; buzzing&nbsp; could become&nbsp; a&nbsp; whole<br>new trend.<br></span>
 
 
==August 31 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we&nbsp; have a<br>lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not<br>much&nbsp; from&nbsp; our own back yard. Let's get<br>started on a high note:&nbsp; passers-by near<br>Majesty Records the other&nbsp; morning saw a<br>certain&nbsp; bookstore owner and radio Queen<br>'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully<br>cozy.&nbsp; Is&nbsp; this&nbsp; why&nbsp; his&nbsp; coffee mug at<br>Homepage&nbsp; clearly&nbsp; showed lip&nbsp; prints in<br>her&nbsp; shade of lipstick?&nbsp; What does Paige<br>have to&nbsp; say about&nbsp; this,&nbsp; and how&nbsp; many<br>pieces will he be in when she's done?<br><br>Speaking of tumultuous romances,&nbsp; the up<br>and&nbsp; downs with&nbsp; Franklyn&nbsp; are enough to<br>make me dizzy.&nbsp; Personally,&nbsp; I'd like to<br>know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire<br>when he got discharged from the hospital<br>the other day.&nbsp; What angle does she have<br>on the&nbsp; guy?&nbsp; Is&nbsp; getting a&nbsp; play out of<br>him that important?<br><br>Heard&nbsp; tell there&nbsp; was a lady going into<br>Cat-22 covered&nbsp; in blood,&nbsp; which doesn't<br>bode well&nbsp; for C.B. staying out of jail,<br>now,&nbsp; does it?&nbsp; Same&nbsp; person who started<br>the&nbsp; riot,&nbsp; I'm&nbsp; told,&nbsp; but&nbsp; my&nbsp; sources<br>didn't give me any names.&nbsp; Don't worry.<br>I'll keep digging.&nbsp; So will the police,<br>if what was in her bag was really as<br>suspicious as it seemed...<br><br>Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard<br>diner.&nbsp; I don't know about you, but that<br>Last Chance&nbsp; place is going to need some <br>out&nbsp; of&nbsp; this&nbsp; world delicious meals&nbsp; or <br>have&nbsp; some&nbsp; pretty fancy gimmicks to get <br>me in there to try '90s mystery meat.<br></span>
 
 
==September 07 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>a dearth of fiery gossip.&nbsp; So sad.&nbsp; I am<br>disappointed in you all.<br><br>So is this guinea pig I heard of down at<br>our&nbsp; local Instagram&nbsp; princess'&nbsp; theatre<br>sleepover party.&nbsp; There are a few rumors<br>floating around as to&nbsp; his identity, but<br>none&nbsp; conclusive.&nbsp; The great&nbsp; guinea pig<br>remains&nbsp; a mystery.&nbsp; Superheroes used to<br>be a bit more impressive...<br><br>On&nbsp; the&nbsp; bright side,&nbsp; the slumber party<br>was a success, though I've heard several<br>reports&nbsp; of&nbsp; horrific&nbsp; nightmares since. <br>Just what was in the water?<br><br>Even better,&nbsp; our&nbsp; favorite CB is in the<br>news again.&nbsp; Seems there&nbsp; was a gas leak<br>down&nbsp; in Fort Brunsett&nbsp; at Her Majesty's<br>record&nbsp; store,&nbsp; with&nbsp; 'gnarly' (who uses<br>that word?)&nbsp; graphic gushing&nbsp; nosebleeds<br>and&nbsp; foul smells.&nbsp; Does CB just like the<br>sight of blood?&nbsp; He's been&nbsp; in two riots<br>that&nbsp; I'm&nbsp; aware&nbsp; of,&nbsp; he&nbsp; firebombed&nbsp; a<br>police&nbsp; station,&nbsp; &nbsp;and&nbsp; now&nbsp; this.&nbsp; &nbsp;Mr.<br>Alexander,&nbsp; Tamarack Falls would like to<br>know.<br><br>Are you a vampire?<br></span>
 
 
==September 14 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at<br>last,&nbsp; another&nbsp; rumor about our favorite<br>bookstore&nbsp; owner.&nbsp; I&nbsp; have&nbsp; it&nbsp; on&nbsp; good<br>authority that&nbsp; he was&nbsp; seen walking out<br>of&nbsp; a local bar with a lovely redhead on<br>his&nbsp; arm.&nbsp; Bill's&nbsp; Bar, to&nbsp; be&nbsp; precise. <br>If&nbsp; anyone's&nbsp; keeping track of the women<br>in his&nbsp; life, let&nbsp; me&nbsp; know,&nbsp; because at<br>this point I've lost count!<br><br>Adorkable is in,&nbsp; ladies.&nbsp; Catch&nbsp; him if<br>you can.<br><br>Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob<br>quarterback Simon Desrochers&nbsp; may or may<br>not&nbsp; have been invited to try out for&nbsp; a <br>certain&nbsp; very famous football team which<br>surely&nbsp; none&nbsp; of us will guess.&nbsp; You go,<br>boy!&nbsp; Won't convince&nbsp; Suzie&nbsp; you weren't<br>necking with Annette in the back seat on<br>the way out to practice, though.<br><br>I've been practicing a bit, myself.&nbsp; The<br>fine art of writing sonnets, however,<br>still eludes me.<br><br>Try this one on for size:<br><br>The buds of Summer bloom,&nbsp; and die,&nbsp; and<br>fade.<br>What hope has he to warm us Winter long?<br>He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but<br>staid.<br>His heart is caught in his own lonely<br>song.<br><br>The&nbsp; mountains&nbsp; sigh&nbsp; and&nbsp; shiver in the <br>cold,<br>With icy winds no mortal may resist.<br>Ignoring&nbsp; Autumn's&nbsp; stories,&nbsp; he&nbsp; &nbsp;grows<br>bold.<br>He&nbsp; questions,&nbsp; begs&nbsp; and&nbsp; threatens&nbsp; to <br>persist.<br><br>How&nbsp; then&nbsp; shall&nbsp; we&nbsp; treat a&nbsp; heart&nbsp; so <br>sure?<br>So&nbsp; certain,&nbsp; firm&nbsp; and&nbsp; faithful to his<br>truth?<br>It&nbsp; trembles,&nbsp; &nbsp;quakes&nbsp; and&nbsp; quivers&nbsp; to <br>immure<br>The&nbsp; &nbsp;friendly&nbsp; &nbsp;public's&nbsp; &nbsp;foibles&nbsp; &nbsp;as <br>uncouth.<br><br>It&nbsp; does&nbsp; him little good to hold aloof.<br>For me, I only hope we're fireproof.<br><br>--<br><br>Woo me with poetry,&nbsp; not with abuse,&nbsp; my <br>darling Alexander.&nbsp; Until we meet again.<br></span>
 
 
==September 21 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not<br>currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-<br>der&nbsp; threw&nbsp; a bit&nbsp; of biological warfare<br>in through my&nbsp; living&nbsp; room&nbsp; window.&nbsp; It<br>was a good window, too.<br><br>More importantly,&nbsp; you&nbsp; left your finger<br>prints all over it, kid.&nbsp; Already talked<br>to&nbsp; the&nbsp; deputy.&nbsp; Your parents have been<br>informed.&nbsp; Please don't do that again. I<br>won't mention it if you don't.<br><br>Now,&nbsp; my&nbsp; columns&nbsp; will be written a bit <br>more slowly until this arm heals,&nbsp; but I<br>do apologize&nbsp; for&nbsp; missing&nbsp; last&nbsp; week's<br>deadline.&nbsp; Cows wait for no man.&nbsp; Or me.<br>Obviously.&nbsp; If you don't know&nbsp; what&nbsp; I'm<br>talking&nbsp; about,&nbsp; &nbsp;ask&nbsp; Green.&nbsp; Shh.&nbsp; She<br>doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'<br><br>Now&nbsp; down&nbsp; to business.&nbsp; I've heard tell<br>that our local tea witch Avalon has been<br>making a lot&nbsp; of trips down to the river<br>lately.&nbsp; Point&nbsp; in fact,&nbsp; I've got three<br>separate&nbsp; eye&nbsp; witnesses attesting&nbsp; that<br>she's&nbsp; wandered&nbsp; on&nbsp; home&nbsp; soaked to the<br>bone three&nbsp; times in&nbsp; the past few weeks<br>alone.<br><br>Lonnie,&nbsp; are&nbsp; you&nbsp; trying&nbsp; to catch your<br>death?<br><br>It doesn't run fast.&nbsp; Definitely&nbsp; not as<br>fast as the Tam.&nbsp; Slower than Kip,&nbsp; too,<br>once&nbsp; word gets out.&nbsp; Just&nbsp; what&nbsp; WAS he<br>doing&nbsp; in&nbsp; that&nbsp; lingerie store, anyway?<br>Shopkeepers&nbsp; said&nbsp; he&nbsp; was&nbsp; in&nbsp; the male<br>section for half&nbsp; an&nbsp; hour, but wouldn't<br>tell&nbsp; my sources what he bought.&nbsp; More's<br>the pity.<br></span>
 
 
==September 28 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; I&nbsp; learned<br>that I am getting old.&nbsp; A nice young man<br>from out of&nbsp; town insisted on helping me<br>walk&nbsp; across&nbsp; the&nbsp; street.&nbsp; Hopefully he<br>gets his&nbsp; Boy Scouts merit badge for it.<br>Thanks for making 40 feel like 80,&nbsp; kid.<br>I&nbsp; hope I meet&nbsp; a boy&nbsp; like you when I'm<br>really aged and decrepit.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp; of kids,&nbsp; I&nbsp; heard through the<br>grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused<br>some&nbsp; local drama at a children's birth-<br>day&nbsp; party.&nbsp; Sounds&nbsp; like&nbsp; a kid started<br>using&nbsp; pepper spray&nbsp; on&nbsp; the&nbsp; clown&nbsp; and<br>quoting some very inappropriate language<br>which&nbsp; I won't repeat in print.&nbsp; A local<br>Japanese magician's said to have stepped<br>in to take over, so kudos on not getting<br>Maced.<br><br>Violence is&nbsp; otherwise&nbsp; the&nbsp; theme de la<br>semaine.&nbsp; Got&nbsp; some&nbsp; very&nbsp; confused cows<br>thanks&nbsp; to&nbsp; the tippers&nbsp; out in the west <br>valley,&nbsp; more&nbsp; broken&nbsp; windows&nbsp; (thanks,<br>Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges<br>heading toward eastbank.&nbsp; Joy,&nbsp; Wendell,<br>you should know better.&nbsp; You should also<br>be more&nbsp; careful&nbsp; about setting lookouts<br>to warn you that someone's sitting there<br>having a morning coffee while you paint.<br><br>On a brighter note,&nbsp; I hear tell Candace<br>Malbury and&nbsp; Richard&nbsp; Miller were having<br>a&nbsp; grand old time while prepping for the<br>town's harvest fair yesterday...<br><br>I never knew you could do so much with a<br>single ear&nbsp; of&nbsp; corn.&nbsp; Never&nbsp; wanted to,<br>either.&nbsp; You&nbsp; may&nbsp; have&nbsp; scarred&nbsp; me for<br>life,&nbsp; but&nbsp; what&nbsp; do I know?&nbsp; I'm an old<br>lady who needs help crossing a street.<br></span>
 
 
==October 05 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK<br>in&nbsp; the&nbsp; limelight,&nbsp; people.&nbsp; I have not<br>one, not two, but THREE separate sources<br>citing&nbsp; fascinating little tidbits about<br>our favourite lady-charmer.<br><br>Charming to us, perhaps.<br><br>I&nbsp; hear tell that&nbsp; he left Cyclone&nbsp; in a<br>nasty&nbsp; mood&nbsp; the&nbsp; other&nbsp; night.&nbsp; Lovers'<br>quarrel?&nbsp; Why&nbsp; pay&nbsp; for beer&nbsp; when Paige<br>would give it to him free?<br><br>Maybe she's just jealous of his success,<br>assuming&nbsp; he really IS the secret author<br>of&nbsp; the Haris&nbsp; brother books.&nbsp; Rumor is,<br>the&nbsp; author&nbsp; is&nbsp; a&nbsp; local.&nbsp; Kip, are you<br>Nathalia Daring?&nbsp; You're concealing your<br>secret&nbsp; passion&nbsp; &nbsp;for&nbsp; &nbsp;C.B.&nbsp; Alexander,<br>according&nbsp; to&nbsp; a number&nbsp; of sources, and<br>you&nbsp; do&nbsp; seem to have&nbsp; a large number of<br>these delightfully torrid novels in your<br>stock.&nbsp; Tell all!<br><br>Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage<br>Books&nbsp; sure&nbsp; has a doozy.&nbsp; A brown paper <br>package&nbsp; addressed&nbsp; to&nbsp; the bookshop was <br>accidentally&nbsp; left at&nbsp; the&nbsp; real&nbsp; estate <br>agency&nbsp; on&nbsp; South&nbsp; Main&nbsp; and&nbsp; Mill,&nbsp; and <br>hoo boy, those girls got a surprise!&nbsp; No<br>brochures,&nbsp; but&nbsp; there&nbsp; was definitely a <br>ball-gag,&nbsp; an&nbsp; eight&nbsp; foot long bullwhip <br>with a mighty interesting handle,&nbsp; and a <br>single&nbsp; copy&nbsp; of&nbsp; '212 Step Guide to the <br>Art of Masculine Domination'&nbsp; signed&nbsp; by <br>the&nbsp; author with the personalisation of: <br>"You can do it, buddy!".&nbsp; Apparently the <br>girls&nbsp; at&nbsp; the estate agency just didn't <br>know what to do.&nbsp; Maybe they were scared <br>the&nbsp; proprietor&nbsp; next&nbsp; door&nbsp; would&nbsp; love <br>their neighbour as they love themselves.<br><br>Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither<br>Nancy Drew&nbsp; nor&nbsp; Jessica Fletcher, but I<br>do&nbsp; appreciate the intimation that 40 is<br>still&nbsp; below the aged and decrepit line.<br>You're&nbsp; welcome to&nbsp; help me&nbsp; across&nbsp; the<br>street any day, handsome.<br></span>
 
 
==October 12 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls,&nbsp; we&nbsp; have a<br>few relationship squabbles and a few odd<br>events, but let's get to the juicy stuff<br>first.<br><br>Number One:&nbsp; Jason Weatherby,&nbsp; don't you<br>know by now not to go slicking your wick<br>in places it shouldn't go?<br><br>Number Two:&nbsp; Anita and Josephine&nbsp; aren't<br>your type, George.&nbsp; Trust me. The&nbsp; words<br>I&nbsp; have&nbsp; refrained from&nbsp; printing&nbsp; about<br>you on account&nbsp; of&nbsp; your papa being nice<br>to me in high school...<br><br>Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy<br>little fox.&nbsp; I didn't know you had it in<br>you.&nbsp; You go girl!<br><br>Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all<br>get to play at being fair maidens (well,<br>some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah<br>darling) soon.&nbsp; I heard tell that const-<br>ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is<br>going to be a perpetual jousting tourney<br>and such.&nbsp; Costumes&nbsp; and riding lessons,<br>sword&nbsp; fighting,&nbsp; and&nbsp; possibly&nbsp; a polar<br>bear, though&nbsp; I&nbsp; personally&nbsp; suspect&nbsp; my<br>source&nbsp; had had a bit&nbsp; too&nbsp; much&nbsp; of the <br>aqua vitae.<br><br>Have to&nbsp; wonder&nbsp; if&nbsp; our local Instagram<br>princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit&nbsp; too<br>much to drink, herself.&nbsp; I've heard from<br>six sources, now, that she was seen down<br>in&nbsp; our&nbsp; favourite&nbsp; Alexander's&nbsp; Cat-22, <br>barely dressed, laughing and humming and<br>writing who knows what down. Whatever it<br>was, we'll never know,&nbsp; too, because I'm<br>told&nbsp; a&nbsp; fellow (fella? sources couldn't<br>decide) named&nbsp; Teagan&nbsp; took a bat to the<br>table, then shredded it all.<br><br>Franky, Franky.&nbsp; What are you doing?<br><br>You're supposed&nbsp; to&nbsp; date&nbsp; that&nbsp; charmer<br>Amanda,&nbsp; not&nbsp; give C.B.&nbsp; more reasons to<br>give our fine officers hot feet.<br><br>It&nbsp; does&nbsp; seem&nbsp; Green's&nbsp; got&nbsp; herself at <br>least one admirer, even if it isn't you.<br>Heard&nbsp; tell&nbsp; there was a&nbsp; fine&nbsp; Japanese<br>gentleman&nbsp; wandering&nbsp; around&nbsp; drugged to<br>the gills and rambling love poems.<br><br>Then again,&nbsp; the way this town is going,<br>maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,<br>do tell.&nbsp; Do you like your&nbsp; men all soft<br>and mumbly?<br></span>
 
 
==October 19 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;don't<br>need&nbsp;our&nbsp;jackets&nbsp;&nbsp;much;&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;summer&nbsp;all<br>over&nbsp;again.&nbsp;&nbsp;Whichever&nbsp;of&nbsp;you's&nbsp;whisper<br>ing&nbsp;sweet&nbsp;nothings&nbsp;into&nbsp;Autumn's&nbsp;ears,&nbsp;I<br>hope&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;explain&nbsp;&nbsp;yourself&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;<br>forsythia.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;not&nbsp;even&nbsp;close&nbsp;to&nbsp;being<br>Spring,&nbsp;and&nbsp;my&nbsp;poor,&nbsp;confused&nbsp;bushes&nbsp;are<br>trying&nbsp;their&nbsp;utmost&nbsp;to&nbsp;bloom.<br><br>Emily's&nbsp;&nbsp;blooming&nbsp;&nbsp;too,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear.&nbsp;&nbsp;Kudos,&nbsp;<br>kiddo.&nbsp;&nbsp;Congratulations&nbsp;on&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;scholar<br>ship.<br><br>Kudos&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;stranger&nbsp;named&nbsp;Ziv&nbsp;as&nbsp;well,<br>and&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;sure&nbsp;Crumpet&nbsp;would&nbsp;thank&nbsp;her&nbsp;if<br>a&nbsp;&nbsp;dog&nbsp;could&nbsp;talk.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;few<br>folks&nbsp;chitter-chattering&nbsp;away&nbsp;about&nbsp;her<br>heroic&nbsp;stormdrain&nbsp;pup&nbsp;rescue&nbsp;services.<br><br>Now,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;only&nbsp;somebody&nbsp;could&nbsp;rescue&nbsp;our<br>darling&nbsp;Bill's&nbsp;&nbsp;head.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;Scouts&nbsp;tried<br>to&nbsp;&nbsp;honor&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;guy&nbsp;by&nbsp;hanging&nbsp;up&nbsp;a&nbsp;sign<br>above&nbsp;the&nbsp;doorway&nbsp;to&nbsp;the&nbsp;bar,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;some<br>kid&nbsp;obviously&nbsp;hasn't&nbsp;done&nbsp;his&nbsp;carpentry<br>merit&nbsp;badge&nbsp;yet,&nbsp;&nbsp;on&nbsp;account&nbsp;of&nbsp;how&nbsp;the<br>nails&nbsp;weren't&nbsp;really&nbsp;holding&nbsp;that&nbsp;thing<br>to&nbsp;the&nbsp;wall...<br><br>Don't&nbsp;&nbsp;worry.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;mild&nbsp;oak-induced<br>concussion.&nbsp;&nbsp;He's&nbsp;cussing&nbsp;alright,&nbsp;&nbsp;and<br>fit&nbsp;to&nbsp;spit&nbsp;nails.&nbsp;&nbsp;Not&nbsp;literally.&nbsp;They<br>didn't&nbsp;&nbsp;hit&nbsp;&nbsp;his&nbsp;&nbsp;mouth.&nbsp;&nbsp;Bet&nbsp;he'd&nbsp;look<br>fantastic&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;nose&nbsp;piercing&nbsp;to&nbsp;go&nbsp;on<br>through&nbsp;the&nbsp;new&nbsp;holes&nbsp;there,&nbsp;though.<br>
 
 
==October 26 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;get&nbsp;the<br>delightful&nbsp;chance&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;marvel&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;&nbsp;human<br>stupidity.&nbsp;&nbsp;Harold&nbsp;&nbsp;Lehrman,&nbsp;&nbsp;did&nbsp;I&nbsp;tell<br>you&nbsp;&nbsp;or&nbsp;did&nbsp;I&nbsp;not&nbsp;that&nbsp;you'd&nbsp;regret&nbsp;that<br>chainsaw&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;left&nbsp;on&nbsp;your&nbsp;floor?&nbsp;&nbsp;Thank<br>me&nbsp;&nbsp;later&nbsp;for&nbsp;&nbsp;getting&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;name&nbsp;in&nbsp;the<br>paper.<br><br>Amanda&nbsp;Green,&nbsp;you&nbsp;shameless&nbsp;minx.&nbsp;&nbsp;Don't<br>you&nbsp;think&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;won't&nbsp;repeat&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;did<br>your&nbsp;&nbsp;entire&nbsp;show&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;dishabille.&nbsp;Beyond<br>it,&nbsp;even.&nbsp;&nbsp;Stealing&nbsp;hearts&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;pretty<br>voice&nbsp;and&nbsp;a&nbsp;lovely...smile.<br><br>We've&nbsp;&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;ourselves&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;vorpal&nbsp;playing<br>card,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;and&nbsp;this&nbsp;author&nbsp;wonders&nbsp;about<br>the&nbsp;timing&nbsp;of&nbsp;the&nbsp;King&nbsp;of&nbsp;Hearts,&nbsp;&nbsp;given<br>poor&nbsp;Kip's&nbsp;freshly&nbsp;single&nbsp;status.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;got<br>it&nbsp;&nbsp;from&nbsp;&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe,&nbsp;&nbsp;my&nbsp;&nbsp;very&nbsp;own<br>self,&nbsp;from&nbsp;his&nbsp;very&nbsp;own&nbsp;lips.<br>
 
<br>Surely&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;can't&nbsp;&nbsp;blame&nbsp;him,&nbsp;&nbsp;then,&nbsp;&nbsp;for<br>being&nbsp;seen&nbsp;the&nbsp;other&nbsp;&nbsp;night&nbsp;leaving&nbsp;with<br>not&nbsp;one,&nbsp;but&nbsp;two&nbsp;unknown&nbsp;ladies,&nbsp;&nbsp;all&nbsp;of<br>them&nbsp;drunk&nbsp;&nbsp;as&nbsp;a&nbsp;skunk.&nbsp;&nbsp;He&nbsp;&nbsp;says&nbsp;he&nbsp;was<br>going&nbsp;back&nbsp;to&nbsp;a&nbsp;hotel&nbsp;with&nbsp;them,&nbsp;but&nbsp;for<br>what,&nbsp;I&nbsp;wonder?<br><br>This&nbsp;isn't&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;time&nbsp;I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;of<br>Kip&nbsp;going&nbsp;off&nbsp;with&nbsp;someone,&nbsp;either.&nbsp;Why,<br>just&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;last&nbsp;few&nbsp;weeks,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell<br>he&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;C.B.&nbsp;Alexander&nbsp;drove&nbsp;&nbsp;off&nbsp;&nbsp;alone<br>to&nbsp;do&nbsp;&nbsp;'something'&nbsp;together.&nbsp;&nbsp;C.B.&nbsp;&nbsp;went<br>off&nbsp;&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;our&nbsp;&nbsp;local&nbsp;Instagram&nbsp;Princess<br>Franklyn&nbsp;Garreau,&nbsp;too.<br><br>Busy,&nbsp;busy,&nbsp;Mr.&nbsp;Alexander.<br><br>Point&nbsp;in&nbsp;fact,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;hear&nbsp;tell&nbsp;you&nbsp;picked&nbsp;a<br>fight&nbsp;&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;and&nbsp;went&nbsp;out&nbsp;to<br>the&nbsp;east&nbsp;&nbsp;bank&nbsp;dressed&nbsp;like&nbsp;some&nbsp;kind&nbsp;of<br>tie-dyed&nbsp;female&nbsp;royalty.&nbsp;Is&nbsp;the&nbsp;pressure<br>too&nbsp;much?&nbsp;&nbsp;When's&nbsp;&nbsp;your&nbsp;next&nbsp;book&nbsp;due&nbsp;to<br>be&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;published?&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;need&nbsp;some&nbsp;&nbsp;help<br>with&nbsp;relaxation&nbsp;techniques,&nbsp;talk&nbsp;to&nbsp;Anne<br>Harlin.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;Reverend&nbsp;says&nbsp;SHE&nbsp;can&nbsp;sleep<br>just&nbsp;about&nbsp;anywhere...<br>
 
 
==November 2 2017==
 
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<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;Rebecca&nbsp;has<br>asked&nbsp;me&nbsp;to&nbsp;clarify&nbsp;that&nbsp;she&nbsp;is&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;minxy<br>BIG&nbsp;fox,&nbsp;in&nbsp;search&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;BIG&nbsp;man,&nbsp;&nbsp;if&nbsp;you<br>know&nbsp;what&nbsp;she&nbsp;means.<br><br>Don't&nbsp;I&nbsp;wish&nbsp;I&nbsp;did.<br><br>Saw&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;couple&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;hikers&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;other&nbsp;day&nbsp;<br>heading&nbsp;up&nbsp;&nbsp;Mischance&nbsp;with,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;kid&nbsp;&nbsp;you<br>not,&nbsp;&nbsp;ten&nbsp;dogs.&nbsp;&nbsp;Ten.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;counted&nbsp;&nbsp;three<br>times.&nbsp;&nbsp;What&nbsp;were&nbsp;they&nbsp;planning&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;do?<br>Wait&nbsp;until&nbsp;&nbsp;it&nbsp;snowed&nbsp;and&nbsp;run&nbsp;a&nbsp;Tamarack<br>Iditarod?<br><br>I&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;a<br>hard&nbsp;enough&nbsp;&nbsp;time&nbsp;&nbsp;keeping&nbsp;a&nbsp;house&nbsp;plant<br>alive,&nbsp;&nbsp;much&nbsp;less&nbsp;(almost)&nbsp;a&nbsp;dozen&nbsp;dogs.<br>Kudos,&nbsp;strangers.&nbsp;Emphasis&nbsp;on&nbsp;strange.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;strange,&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;you&nbsp;seen&nbsp;that<br>glittery&nbsp;&nbsp;purple&nbsp;&nbsp;balloon&nbsp;lately?&nbsp;&nbsp;Watch<br>out,&nbsp;&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;pilot.&nbsp;&nbsp;The&nbsp;winds&nbsp;over&nbsp;the<br>waterfall&nbsp;&nbsp;can&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;tricky.&nbsp;&nbsp;My&nbsp;youthful<br>admirers&nbsp;may&nbsp;&nbsp;not&nbsp;believe&nbsp;it&nbsp;of&nbsp;me,&nbsp;&nbsp;but<br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;was&nbsp;&nbsp;once&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;&nbsp;ballooning&nbsp;&nbsp;champ&nbsp;&nbsp;for<br>three&nbsp;&nbsp;years&nbsp;running,&nbsp;&nbsp;until&nbsp;I&nbsp;took&nbsp;this<br>arrow&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;knee.<br><br>On&nbsp;a&nbsp;more&nbsp;heartwarming&nbsp;note&nbsp;(or&nbsp;not,&nbsp;&nbsp;if<br>you're&nbsp;a&nbsp;Scrooge&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;George),&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;group<br>of&nbsp;newcomers&nbsp;&nbsp;went&nbsp;out&nbsp;and&nbsp;visited&nbsp;folks<br>at&nbsp;Riverside&nbsp;Hospital&nbsp;this&nbsp;past&nbsp;&nbsp;Tuesday<br>for&nbsp;Halloween.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>No&nbsp;police&nbsp;were&nbsp;called,&nbsp;&nbsp;so&nbsp;&nbsp;it's&nbsp;safe&nbsp;to<br>say&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;whatever&nbsp;else&nbsp;they&nbsp;did,&nbsp;&nbsp;they<br>didn't&nbsp;scare&nbsp;children&nbsp;to&nbsp;death.<br><br>Seriously,&nbsp;that&nbsp;was&nbsp;a&nbsp;really&nbsp;&nbsp;good&nbsp;deed,<br>folks.&nbsp;&nbsp;Keep&nbsp;it&nbsp;up.<br><br>You&nbsp;too,&nbsp;big&nbsp;mystery&nbsp;man.<br>
 
  
==November 9 2017==
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==March 05, 2020==
 
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<br>
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;we've&nbsp;had&nbsp;a<br>fair&nbsp;number&nbsp;of&nbsp;nippy&nbsp;days,&nbsp;haven't&nbsp;we?&nbsp;I<br>would&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;minded&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;cuddle&nbsp;up&nbsp;beside&nbsp;my<br>fire&nbsp;with&nbsp;a&nbsp;good&nbsp;book&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;not&nbsp;come&nbsp;&nbsp;out<br>until&nbsp;Spring&nbsp;thaw,&nbsp;but&nbsp;how&nbsp;could&nbsp;I&nbsp;poss-<br>ibly&nbsp;miss&nbsp;&nbsp;gems&nbsp;&nbsp;like&nbsp;Eddie&nbsp;Mayer&nbsp;trying<br>out&nbsp;his&nbsp;rollerskates&nbsp;down&nbsp;Main&nbsp;Street?<br><br>Note,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;did&nbsp;say&nbsp;trying,&nbsp;not&nbsp;succeeding.<br>On&nbsp;the&nbsp;bright&nbsp;&nbsp;side,&nbsp;at&nbsp;least&nbsp;he&nbsp;&nbsp;didn't<br>bleed&nbsp;all&nbsp;over&nbsp;EVERY&nbsp;pole&nbsp;in&nbsp;town...<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;bleeding,&nbsp;have&nbsp;you&nbsp;seen&nbsp;that<br>new&nbsp;&nbsp;body&nbsp;mod&nbsp;&nbsp;shop&nbsp;down&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;city?&nbsp;&nbsp;I<br>hear&nbsp;&nbsp;tell&nbsp;none&nbsp;other&nbsp;than&nbsp;&nbsp;Winny&nbsp;Wilson<br>opened&nbsp;the&nbsp;place&nbsp;up,&nbsp;complete&nbsp;with&nbsp;&nbsp;pig.<br>I&nbsp;hadn't&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;of&nbsp;him,&nbsp;&nbsp;scars&nbsp;not&nbsp;being<br>my&nbsp;specialty,&nbsp;but&nbsp;a&nbsp;Johnny&nbsp;Drexel&nbsp;&nbsp;seems&nbsp;<br>to&nbsp;be&nbsp;sporting&nbsp;his&nbsp;own&nbsp;artwork&nbsp;something<br>fierce.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Don't&nbsp;&nbsp;know&nbsp;about&nbsp;you,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;going&nbsp;to<br>avoid&nbsp;bleeding&nbsp;for&nbsp;art.<br><br>Bleeding&nbsp;for&nbsp;gossip,&nbsp;now,&nbsp;that&nbsp;I&nbsp;will&nbsp;do<br>
+
<span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;T A M A R A C K&nbsp; &nbsp;T I M E S<br>&nbsp; &nbsp; GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
with&nbsp;&nbsp;pleasure.&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;got&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;dreadful&nbsp;paper<br>cut&nbsp;when&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;heard&nbsp;that&nbsp;the&nbsp;Treasurer&nbsp;of<br>Fort&nbsp;&nbsp;Brunsett,&nbsp;&nbsp;Molly&nbsp;&nbsp;Crowley-Utridge,&nbsp;<br>was&nbsp;decidedly&nbsp;unwidowly&nbsp;at&nbsp;a&nbsp;dinner&nbsp;with<br>a&nbsp;very&nbsp;nicely&nbsp;dressed&nbsp;Native&nbsp;fellow.&nbsp;&nbsp;My<br>sources&nbsp;say&nbsp;the&nbsp;man&nbsp;was&nbsp;one&nbsp;Malaki&nbsp;Gray-<br>wolf.&nbsp;&nbsp;Is&nbsp;Molly&nbsp;looking&nbsp;to&nbsp;add&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;second<br>hyphenation&nbsp;to&nbsp;her&nbsp;mouthful&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;name?<br><br>I&nbsp;&nbsp;don't&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;&nbsp;want&nbsp;to&nbsp;think&nbsp;&nbsp;about&nbsp;the<br>mouthfuls&nbsp;Ms.&nbsp;Mina&nbsp;Grey&nbsp;has&nbsp;been&nbsp;having.<br>Ballerina&nbsp;&nbsp;food&nbsp;is&nbsp;rabbit&nbsp;&nbsp;food,&nbsp;&nbsp;and&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;<br>heard&nbsp;from&nbsp;a&nbsp;little&nbsp;birdy&nbsp;that&nbsp;our&nbsp;dance<br>teacher,&nbsp;or&nbsp;someone&nbsp;who&nbsp;looks&nbsp;a&nbsp;lot&nbsp;like<br>her,&nbsp;was&nbsp;seen&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;social&nbsp;media&nbsp;marketing<br>for&nbsp;the&nbsp;Slutcracker&nbsp;in&nbsp;Somerville,&nbsp;MA.<br><br>Mina,&nbsp;Mina,&nbsp;Mina.&nbsp;We&nbsp;all&nbsp;know&nbsp;dating&nbsp;Mr.<br>Alexander&nbsp;&nbsp;is&nbsp;&nbsp;enough&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;drive&nbsp;&nbsp;you&nbsp;to<br>drink,&nbsp;but&nbsp;come&nbsp;on,&nbsp;girl.&nbsp;&nbsp;Do&nbsp;you&nbsp;really<br>want&nbsp;to&nbsp;give&nbsp;him&nbsp;more&nbsp;reasons&nbsp;to&nbsp;set&nbsp;the<br>world&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire?<br>
+
This&nbsp;week&nbsp;in&nbsp;Tamarack&nbsp;Falls,&nbsp;&nbsp;we&nbsp;&nbsp;have&nbsp;&nbsp;a<br>new&nbsp;brawl&nbsp;under&nbsp;our&nbsp;collective&nbsp;belts!&nbsp;I'm<br>pleased&nbsp;to&nbsp;say&nbsp;that,&nbsp;while&nbsp;patrons&nbsp;of&nbsp;the<br>library&nbsp;were&nbsp;&nbsp;disturbed&nbsp;by&nbsp;the&nbsp;noise&nbsp;out-<br>side,&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;two&nbsp;sisters&nbsp;&nbsp;involved,&nbsp;&nbsp;Merle<br>Dalton&nbsp;and&nbsp;Sophia&nbsp;Caruso,&nbsp;&nbsp;were&nbsp;courteous<br>enough&nbsp;to&nbsp;keep&nbsp;the&nbsp;fight&nbsp;to&nbsp;words&nbsp;instead<br>of&nbsp;blows.&nbsp;&nbsp;Why,&nbsp;&nbsp;I&nbsp;&nbsp;even&nbsp;heard&nbsp;bits&nbsp;of&nbsp;it<br>myself,&nbsp;through&nbsp;my&nbsp;little&nbsp;&nbsp;office&nbsp;window,<br>incoherent&nbsp;though&nbsp;it&nbsp;was.&nbsp;&nbsp;From&nbsp;what&nbsp;I've<br>gathered,&nbsp;folks&nbsp;say&nbsp;it&nbsp;was&nbsp;ultimately&nbsp;one<br>of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;employees&nbsp;&nbsp;at&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe&nbsp;who<br>came&nbsp;out&nbsp;and&nbsp;broke&nbsp;it&nbsp;up.&nbsp;&nbsp;Those&nbsp;are&nbsp;some<br>tough&nbsp;women.&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;not&nbsp;surprised.<br><br>Speaking&nbsp;of&nbsp;Crossroads&nbsp;Cafe...<br><br>A&nbsp;&nbsp;tall,&nbsp;&nbsp;long-haired&nbsp;&nbsp;eccentric&nbsp;&nbsp;whom&nbsp;my<br>sources&nbsp;call&nbsp;Ishmael&nbsp;had&nbsp;a&nbsp;bit&nbsp;of&nbsp;a&nbsp;glit-<br>ter&nbsp;problem&nbsp;there.&nbsp;&nbsp;To&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;more&nbsp;specific,<br>he&nbsp;&nbsp;blew&nbsp;&nbsp;glitter&nbsp;all&nbsp;&nbsp;over&nbsp;&nbsp;that&nbsp;&nbsp;lovely<br>young&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;lady,&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Saga,&nbsp;&nbsp;during&nbsp;&nbsp;breakfast.<br>Frankly,&nbsp;&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;surprised&nbsp;he&nbsp;was&nbsp;let&nbsp;inside<br>the&nbsp;building&nbsp;in&nbsp;the&nbsp;first&nbsp;place.&nbsp;Isn't&nbsp;it<br>supposed&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;"No&nbsp;shirt,&nbsp;no&nbsp;SHOES,&nbsp;no<br>service"?<br><br>I've&nbsp;heard&nbsp;&nbsp;a&nbsp;few&nbsp;comments&nbsp;from&nbsp;the&nbsp;staff<br>over&nbsp;at&nbsp;Sweet&nbsp;Treats,&nbsp;too,&nbsp;about&nbsp;a&nbsp;man&nbsp;of<br>similar&nbsp;&nbsp;description&nbsp;&nbsp;loitering&nbsp;there&nbsp;for<br>an&nbsp;entire&nbsp;day.&nbsp;&nbsp;If&nbsp;&nbsp;he'd&nbsp;been&nbsp;doing&nbsp;some-<br>thing&nbsp;&nbsp;useful,&nbsp;they&nbsp;said,&nbsp;&nbsp;they&nbsp;&nbsp;wouldn't<br>have&nbsp;cared&nbsp;as&nbsp;much&nbsp;about&nbsp;his&nbsp;bare&nbsp;minimum<br>purchases&nbsp;and&nbsp;cheapo&nbsp;ways,&nbsp;but&nbsp;reading&nbsp;a<br>book&nbsp;with&nbsp;no&nbsp;text&nbsp;in&nbsp;it?&nbsp;&nbsp;Really?<br><br>As&nbsp;bizarre&nbsp;as&nbsp;this&nbsp;town&nbsp;can&nbsp;be,&nbsp;I&nbsp;have&nbsp;no<br>doubt&nbsp;he'll&nbsp;fit&nbsp;in&nbsp;just&nbsp;fine.<br><br>Last&nbsp;but&nbsp;not&nbsp;least,&nbsp;that&nbsp;freak&nbsp;hail&nbsp;storm<br>yesterday&nbsp;&nbsp;spooked&nbsp;part&nbsp;of&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;Fry&nbsp;dairy<br>herd,&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'm&nbsp;told&nbsp;they'll&nbsp;be&nbsp;looking&nbsp;for<br>some&nbsp;construction&nbsp;&nbsp;workers&nbsp;&nbsp;in&nbsp;&nbsp;the&nbsp;&nbsp;near<br>future,&nbsp;&nbsp;to&nbsp;&nbsp;replace&nbsp;the&nbsp;fencing&nbsp;scaredy-<br>cows&nbsp;broke&nbsp;through...<br><br>No&nbsp;one&nbsp;was&nbsp;hurt,&nbsp;and&nbsp;the&nbsp;ladies&nbsp;were&nbsp;re-<br>covered&nbsp;safely.&nbsp;&nbsp;They're&nbsp;in&nbsp;another&nbsp;field<br>for&nbsp;now,&nbsp;&nbsp;but&nbsp;don't&nbsp;you&nbsp;worry.&nbsp;&nbsp;I've&nbsp;been<br>assured&nbsp;that&nbsp;they'll&nbsp;&nbsp;be&nbsp;&nbsp;back&nbsp;&nbsp;home&nbsp;in&nbsp;a<br>jiffy.

Latest revision as of 20:03, 6 March 2020

Tamarack Times Gossip Column

Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.

Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.

They can be found on +bbread 3, the Media board.

This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.


Archives for posts from previous years are located at the links below:
March-December 2017 January-December 2018 January-December 2019



January 2, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I wish you a
bleary welcome to the year 2020. Finally,
a number easy to make silly glasses for!

If you slept through the fireworks on the
lake on NYE,  you are a hardier soul than
I, and I commend you.  Even this far from
the cliffs, they were dang loud, but also
worth every wince.  If you've  never gone
up  to  the  top of Salvation and  looked
down on it all,  you're missing out.  I'm
no poet,  but  it was  a garden of light,
and  kudos to the city  of  Fort Brunsett
and the tireless efforts of the fireworks
companies who made it possible.

Are you the type to write out resolutions
for the coming year?  I try, heaven knows
I try, but the bon bons tempt me back.

If you want your name in the paper,  send
in  YOUR  resolution,  and I'll put it in
the column for next week.  Let's see what
our town wants to change!

I know for sure I want to change the bear
family in the woods up on  Mischance.  If
they  want  to  set up housekeeping some-
where,  there are much better places than
the  mine  to  do it.  Kids, I have it on
good authority that  the  local officials
are taking this very seriously, so please
be  smart  about  stupid  dares.  Animals
like these should be  hibernating at this
time of year,  and  if something has them
out  and  about,  a  trained professional
should be the one to find them.

January 9, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a big
column for you, so let's get right to it.
Last week,  I asked for your resolutions,
and boy howdy did you send them in!

 * Mrs. Elsa Vayn  has resolved to eat at
   least one piece of fruit a day.
 * David Carmichael has resolved to go on
   at  least  one vacation every quarter,
   much to the delight  of his less work-
   a-holic partner, Bobby.
 * Joe Quinn has resolved to lose 50 lbs.
 * Jane Quinn has resolved to kick  Joe's
   patoot  into  gear any time he reaches
   for doughnuts instead of celery...
 * Alexander Dolst has resolved to finish
   the novel he has been working on since
   seventh grade.
 * Rebecca Fry has resolved to not murder
   her niece,  or  brother,  for spilling
   neon pink dye  into  a vat of milk and
   costing  the family thousands of bucks
   for wasted product, time, and inedible
   ice  cream.  I  have  it on good auth-
   ority that said niece and  brother are
   banned  from the barn for the foresee-
   able future to  facilitate  their con-
   tinued survival.
 * Elizabeth Fry  has resolved  to  avoid
   her aunt.
 * Jonathan Fry has resolved to buy stock
   in Tension Tamer tea.
 * Delika Soluos  has  resolved  to learn
   calligraphy, so  she can start her own
   greeting card business.
 * Mr. A. Nony Mouse  has resolved to get
   a name.

On the subject of resolutions folks asked
not to be named for, we have twelve other
people wanting to lose weight, eleven who
want to travel more, five who want to get
wealthy  lovers  and  live  out a life of
luxury, four  who  want to learn the fine
art  of cooking  better for one,  two who
want to do more for the environment, and
one who wants to bone my editor. 

My  editor  says  thank you,  and he will
consider your offer, anonymous lover.


January 16, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  are   a
month away from Valentine's Day, but that
isn't stopping the stores,  is it?  Thank
you, capitalism,  for giving me cheap yet
delicious  chocolate  and  peanut  butter 
hearts.

On the subject of hearts, get this: Mandy
Hart  thought Monday was going to be just
another morning, woke up, made her coffee
and ate food which she has told me to say
was  more  healthy  than the Boston creme
doughnut it actually was, when there came
a  banging from her garage.  In she went,
and lo and behold,  her garbage bins were
a mess.  Thinking it  was a raccoon,  she
tidied up,  looked for holes, then forgot
all  about it by the end of the work day.
Upon arriving  home  again,  the  garbage
bins were on the floor,  along  with  the
garbage  that  was  in them, and what did
she  find but a PIG rooting around in it?
As it turns out,  a  tourist family's pet
had  gotten  loose, and there were happy,
oinky endings all around.  What  a way to
spend a Monday.

This was not the only  animal sighting to
occur over the past week. 

A  showing of "Matilda" down at the  ele-
mentary  school  this  past  weekend  was 
disrupted   by  a  bleating  stampede  of
shaggy,  smelly   goats -- and  the high-
schoolers  who set  them  free  there are
going  to  start  doing  some  very  fast
community service, aren't they, Samual?

January 23, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  it looks as
though  we  may  have a new manicurist in
town!  I hear tell that Lou and Bang Bang
down at Crops and Bobbers have been talk-
ing with a lovely stranger about settling
here.  Lady, come stop by the office some
time and have a chat.  I still have a bit
of that good coffee left  that the office
vultures haven't managed to pilfer.

In other news, I finally snagged a source
young  enough to clue  me in on why we've
all been seeing glitter everywhere. Seems
like  one  of  the  local  kids started a
viral trend on TikTok called "angel dust-
ing"... The original form called for some
sort  of container of white glitter to be
placed above a doorway,  with  the aim of
having it  fall onto the head of the next
person walking through,  but  one  of the
younger ladies at the office has informed
me  that  receiving the glitter inside of
an envelope,  and  filming yourself doing
so, has also become a part of the trend.

Now, given the crisis going on with micro
plastics  in  our  oceans, I did feel the
need  to reach out to our mystery TikTok-
ker, and  much  to my  pleasant surprise,
they had already established ground rules
requiring  their  followers  to  use eco-
glitters.  Kudos, kid.  You've got a good
head on those glitter-crowned shoulders.

Vazi, on  the other hand...  I have heard
a  few  conflicting  opinions  of how you
managed to break that ankle, kiddo. 

 1. You  were chasing a flying paper air-
    plane and ran off the roof.
 2. You were out on the lawn and slipped.
 3. Your  younger  brother  turned into a
    whirling  dervish of dooooom and your
    ankle was sacrificed to the Lego gods
    as tribute.

I'm going for Lego gods. If you have ever
had  kids  who had Legos, I know you will
be too.

January 30, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've  got  a
cute one for us.  A special someone (hint
hint,  his name rhymes with 'hill' and he
owns a bar  here  in  town) is turning 65
next  week, and he may or may not be get-
ting a present from a mysterious benefac-
tor... If I were he, I'd keep an eye out.
That gift looked hot!

In related news, kudos to your son, Bill,
though  I  have  seldom had more cause to
use the 'facepalm'  emoji than I did this
past weekend.  For folks new to the area,
Bill's  son is a trainee  for  the  local
volunteer firefighters. A tourist slipped
and  fell  over  the southern bridge into
the Tam, and they're okay, thanks to Bill
and   some  good  bystanders,  but   they
wouldn't  have  fallen in the first place
if they  hadn't  been  bending  backwards
upside down over the edge  of the railing
to get a selfie...  Their  GoPro  was not
rescued, and neither, I'm told, was their
smartphone.  Seriously, people. No selfie
is worth your life.  Hypothermia is not a
joke.

That  said,  I'm human,  and I can't help
but laugh  at  the selfie fails I've seen
on the internet.  Let's  turn this around
and check on YOU, my lovely readers: what
is YOUR most hilarious selfie fail?

Last but not least, for disclosure,  Emma
Richards  has  paid  me in  Cadbury Creme
Eggs  to publically state the  following:
she heard on the grapevine that her long-
time  boyfriend,  who  broke  up with her
last Spring,  has recently  been accepted
into  the  NASA  space  program,  and she
hopes he does so well that he becomes one
of  the next astronauts  to  land  on the
Moon...and  stays there, preferably alone
and choking on his own hot air.

Sorry, Dave.  Shouldn't have done that.

February 6, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  angel  dust
has officially  been sanctioned, and  not
in  the good way, in a town hall meeting.
Local EMTs  took three people down to the
hospital after a massive glitter-splosion
accident  where balloons half-filled with
"angel dust" were popped by accident, all
at once, by a  falling ladder at the Town
Hall itself, sending  pounds of the stuff
right into eyes and airways.

On  the  bright side, you can be proud of
one thing:  you, and your TikTok friends,
have leveraged your  fifteen  seconds  of
fame to get  glitter officially labeled a
disturbance to the peace.

Envelope-form only, kids.

Now,  I  do  have  some bad news.  Nettle
won't be staying on as our new manicurist
after all,  but  she says she has enjoyed
getting to know the ladies,  and  some of
the gentlemen,  of  the town in the short
while she has been here.  We wish her all
the best in her new life as a millionaire
lottery winner, lucky duck.  When I asked
her about her plans, she said she and her
hubby  have  decided  to find their dream
home in the hills of Italy, and intend to
spend their days posting  YouTube  videos
of their costumed cats putting  on feline
versions of Shakespeare.

To each her own, but I'll keep an eye out
for those videos, Nettle.  Tombu  is  one
cute cat.

Now, as much as I would love to write all
of  the  entries  we  received  for  most
embarrassing selfies, my editor has asked
me  to poll the office for the top three,
and these are the result:

 1. When taking a selfie on a windy tower
    overseas,  she who shall remain name-
    less at her own  request felt quite a
    sudden breeze down below when her new
    sarong  slipped  free  of  her  hips. 
    This wouldn't have been as much of an
    issue if she weren't wearing her last
    pair of "emergencies only" panties...
    with holes in awkward places.
 2. Every time this gentleman  would  try
    to get a picture of  himself  to send
    out to a dating service, his cat Pogo
    would  somehow  photo-bomb  the shot,
    until he  eventually gave in and just
    held the cat.
 3. A young woman thought she looked fab,
    and went to  take a selfie of herself
    down  in  Riverside Park.  Satisfied,
    she posted the  picture to her social
    media   accounts,  only  to   receive 
    message   after  message  asking  her
    about the dogs.  Puzzled by this, she
    looked  more  closely  at the selfie,
    and  lo and behold,  a pair  of  dog-
    walkers were chatting on a bench, and
    their  pooches  were doing it, doggy-
    style of course, behind them.

Immortalized by the internet. Ever wonder
what aliens would think about our species
if  they  watched  what  we  post for the 
universe to see?

February 13, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have  a
Kip Kensington-esque Valentine's Day fail
to  share  with  you all.  No, sadly, Kip
himself is not a part of it.  Kip, you're
being entirely too circumspect lately.

But enough of Kip.  On to today's gossip!
Upon waking up yesterday morning, the 80-
year  old Mrs. Mitchell, a retired school
counselor,  looked out her front door and
saw that she had  a package waiting.  Not
having ordered anything recently, she was
curious nonetheless, and the anonymity of
the box and its sender really should have
been a clue.

Long story short: a delivery of very sexy
toys and playthings spilled out in rubber
and lace all over her table...

Thankfully,  a  very "loving" note inside
the  box sent with  the items did include
the name  of  the  intended  recipient, a
young  woman who lived  in the house next
door.  Let  this  be  a lesson to all who
order  gifts  online:  double-check  your
delivery addresses,  or  you  could  send
kinky sex toys to grandmothers with heart
conditions.

Speaking  of  delving,  have you all been
watching the news?   What  do  you  think
about  prospectors looking  at  the  mine
again?  The  town could use the money, as
Mayor Jack would be  quick  to agree, but
is  it  worth  it  to have all that noise
and fuss?  Why don't we  just  make  it a
historic landmark  and  be  done with all
of this?

In lighter news, parents, don't forget to
pay a visit to the library on Main Street
before  Saturday.  There's  a kiddie pool
of  Goldfish  crackers and a challenge to
guess  how  many are  in the pool for you
and your  kidlets to win.  If  you  don't
have  time  to go in person, you can also
submit  bets  online, at the library web-
site.

February 20, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, as  it turns
out, cats really do know best about gold-
fish.  Jack Desrochers Jr.  is the winner
of  the kiddie-pool contest, but the real
prize  should be going to Bojangles, who,
I'm told, stood on the  numpad,  then sat
his fuzzy patoot down right on top of Mr.
Desrochers' mouse-hand.  

Jack, you  should know better than to ig-
nore  Bojangles.  You  know what happened
last time.

Now,  Rocco, what's this I hear about you
and that  colorful  young  woman  talking
about  moving  in together?  Dana Shelley
says she overheard you two chatting about
looking for a place.  And here  I thought
that  girl  had better taste... Guess all
it  takes to  melt  a  heart  of ice is a
washed  up  (please, wash up) punk rocker
with a mouth in need of soap.

Johnny Quilby  knows  all about mouths in
need of soaping, now, doesn't  he?  Shame
on you, teaching your baby brother to say
those bad words. Thank you for the laughs
we  all  got here at the office, however,
from  watching  the  videos you posted on
the internet... Just wait until he gets a
little  older and learns what those words
all mean.  I'm surprised YOU do.

The  rangers  have a new one for us, too,
and I could have done without this one...
Evidently,  a  herd  of  deer has somehow
decided  to use a particular  section  of
the  forest as their personal toilet.  He
has never  seen  so much deer crap in his
career,  and  he hopes he never sees that
much again.  Or steps in it.

Mr. Fry, I hope so too, and please let me
know  how  my  bribe of movie tickets for
you and  your  wife work out, for telling
me which valley to avoid.

February 27, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have  been
informed  that  Rocco would never consent
to  the  degree of  cleanliness and  non-
smoking which would be required to cohab-
itate with November.

Crushing our dreams of romance in the bud
seems  to  be  a theme, lately, but don't
you  worry, readers.  Sit  at  Crossroads
Cafe long  enough  and you'll see exactly
what I mean.

Speaking  of  the  cafe, Elmer, if I were
you, I'd give up on the giant bouquets of
roses and  go  for  something subtler.  A
nice necklace, or a bracelet... Why, I've
heard rumours of a new jeweler setting up
shop  down  in  the  city at the farmer's
market.  She doesn't have much stock, but
she  says  she's made it all herself, and
my sources  claim  the  gems  look  real,
engraved silver, filigree pendants, semi-
precious stones and all.

We're  getting  closer  to March, and the
time of  green  beer  approaches. I got a
sneak  peek  at  the vats  over at I Feel
Hoppy this week, and the brewery is kick-
ing into gear, big-time.  

What do you  think?   What's  your  ideal
green  in  beer?   If  I'm  going  to  be 
drinking  dye, I'd want to go all the way
in, but on the other  hand, if  they  can
use natural ingredients  to achieve simi-
lar    coloration   without   sacrificing
flavor,  which  they claim they are going
to do, why not?


March 05, 2020


     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have  a
new brawl under our collective belts! I'm
pleased to say that, while patrons of the
library were  disturbed by the noise out-
side,  the  two sisters  involved,  Merle
Dalton and Sophia Caruso,  were courteous
enough to keep the fight to words instead
of blows.  Why,  I  even heard bits of it
myself, through my little  office window,
incoherent though it was.  From what I've
gathered, folks say it was ultimately one
of  the employees  at Crossroads Cafe who
came out and broke it up.  Those are some
tough women.  I'm not surprised.

Speaking of Crossroads Cafe...

A  tall,  long-haired  eccentric  whom my
sources call Ishmael had a bit of a glit-
ter problem there.  To  be more specific,
he  blew  glitter all  over  that  lovely
young   lady,   Saga,  during  breakfast.
Frankly,  I'm surprised he was let inside
the building in the first place. Isn't it
supposed  to  be  "No shirt, no SHOES, no
service"?

I've heard  a few comments from the staff
over at Sweet Treats, too, about a man of
similar  description  loitering there for
an entire day.  If  he'd been doing some-
thing  useful, they said,  they  wouldn't
have cared as much about his bare minimum
purchases and cheapo ways, but reading a
book with no text in it?  Really?

As bizarre as this town can be, I have no
doubt he'll fit in just fine.

Last but not least, that freak hail storm
yesterday  spooked part of  the Fry dairy
herd, and I'm told they'll be looking for
some construction  workers  in  the  near
future,  to  replace the fencing scaredy-
cows broke through...

No one was hurt, and the ladies were re-
covered safely.  They're in another field
for now,  but don't you worry.  I've been
assured that they'll  be  back  home in a
jiffy.