Tamarack Times Gossip Column
Tamarack Times Gossip Column
Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.
Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.
They can be found on +bbread 3, the Media board.
This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.
| Archives for posts from previous years are located at the links below: | ||
| March-December 2017 | January-December 2018 | January-December 2019 |
January 2, 2020
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I wish you a
bleary welcome to the year 2020. Finally,
a number easy to make silly glasses for!
If you slept through the fireworks on the
lake on NYE, you are a hardier soul than
I, and I commend you. Even this far from
the cliffs, they were dang loud, but also
worth every wince. If you've never gone
up to the top of Salvation and looked
down on it all, you're missing out. I'm
no poet, but it was a garden of light,
and kudos to the city of Fort Brunsett
and the tireless efforts of the fireworks
companies who made it possible.
Are you the type to write out resolutions
for the coming year? I try, heaven knows
I try, but the bon bons tempt me back.
If you want your name in the paper, send
in YOUR resolution, and I'll put it in
the column for next week. Let's see what
our town wants to change!
I know for sure I want to change the bear
family in the woods up on Mischance. If
they want to set up housekeeping some-
where, there are much better places than
the mine to do it. Kids, I have it on
good authority that the local officials
are taking this very seriously, so please
be smart about stupid dares. Animals
like these should be hibernating at this
time of year, and if something has them
out and about, a trained professional
should be the one to find them.
January 9, 2020
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a big
column for you, so let's get right to it.
Last week, I asked for your resolutions,
and boy howdy did you send them in!
* Mrs. Elsa Vayn has resolved to eat at
least one piece of fruit a day.
* David Carmichael has resolved to go on
at least one vacation every quarter,
much to the delight of his less work-
a-holic partner, Bobby.
* Joe Quinn has resolved to lose 50 lbs.
* Jane Quinn has resolved to kick Joe's
patoot into gear any time he reaches
for doughnuts instead of celery...
* Alexander Dolst has resolved to finish
the novel he has been working on since
seventh grade.
* Rebecca Fry has resolved to not murder
her niece, or brother, for spilling
neon pink dye into a vat of milk and
costing the family thousands of bucks
for wasted product, time, and inedible
ice cream. I have it on good auth-
ority that said niece and brother are
banned from the barn for the foresee-
able future to facilitate their con-
tinued survival.
* Elizabeth Fry has resolved to avoid
her aunt.
* Jonathan Fry has resolved to buy stock
in Tension Tamer tea.
* Delika Soluos has resolved to learn
calligraphy, so she can start her own
greeting card business.
* Mr. A. Nony Mouse has resolved to get
a name.
On the subject of resolutions folks asked
not to be named for, we have twelve other
people wanting to lose weight, eleven who
want to travel more, five who want to get
wealthy lovers and live out a life of
luxury, four who want to learn the fine
art of cooking better for one, two who
want to do more for the environment, and
one who wants to bone my editor.
My editor says thank you, and he will
consider your offer, anonymous lover.
January 16, 2020
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are a
month away from Valentine's Day, but that
isn't stopping the stores, is it? Thank
you, capitalism, for giving me cheap yet
delicious chocolate and peanut butter
hearts.
On the subject of hearts, get this: Mandy
Hart thought Monday was going to be just
another morning, woke up, made her coffee
and ate food which she has told me to say
was more healthy than the Boston creme
doughnut it actually was, when there came
a banging from her garage. In she went,
and lo and behold, her garbage bins were
a mess. Thinking it was a raccoon, she
tidied up, looked for holes, then forgot
all about it by the end of the work day.
Upon arriving home again, the garbage
bins were on the floor, along with the
garbage that was in them, and what did
she find but a PIG rooting around in it?
As it turns out, a tourist family's pet
had gotten loose, and there were happy,
oinky endings all around. What a way to
spend a Monday.
This was not the only animal sighting to
occur over the past week.
A showing of "Matilda" down at the ele-
mentary school this past weekend was
disrupted by a bleating stampede of
shaggy, smelly goats -- and the high-
schoolers who set them free there are
going to start doing some very fast
community service, aren't they, Samual?
January 23, 2020
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it looks as
though we may have a new manicurist in
town! I hear tell that Lou and Bang Bang
down at Crops and Bobbers have been talk-
ing with a lovely stranger about settling
here. Lady, come stop by the office some
time and have a chat. I still have a bit
of that good coffee left that the office
vultures haven't managed to pilfer.
In other news, I finally snagged a source
young enough to clue me in on why we've
all been seeing glitter everywhere. Seems
like one of the local kids started a
viral trend on TikTok called "angel dust-
ing"... The original form called for some
sort of container of white glitter to be
placed above a doorway, with the aim of
having it fall onto the head of the next
person walking through, but one of the
younger ladies at the office has informed
me that receiving the glitter inside of
an envelope, and filming yourself doing
so, has also become a part of the trend.
Now, given the crisis going on with micro
plastics in our oceans, I did feel the
need to reach out to our mystery TikTok-
ker, and much to my pleasant surprise,
they had already established ground rules
requiring their followers to use eco-
glitters. Kudos, kid. You've got a good
head on those glitter-crowned shoulders.
Vazi, on the other hand... I have heard
a few conflicting opinions of how you
managed to break that ankle, kiddo.
1. You were chasing a flying paper air-
plane and ran off the roof.
2. You were out on the lawn and slipped.
3. Your younger brother turned into a
whirling dervish of dooooom and your
ankle was sacrificed to the Lego gods
as tribute.
I'm going for Lego gods. If you have ever
had kids who had Legos, I know you will
be too.
January 30, 2020
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've got a
cute one for us. A special someone (hint
hint, his name rhymes with 'hill' and he
owns a bar here in town) is turning 65
next week, and he may or may not be get-
ting a present from a mysterious benefac-
tor... If I were he, I'd keep an eye out.
That gift looked hot!
In related news, kudos to your son, Bill,
though I have seldom had more cause to
use the 'facepalm' emoji than I did this
past weekend. For folks new to the area,
Bill's son is a trainee for the local
volunteer firefighters. A tourist slipped
and fell over the southern bridge into
the Tam, and they're okay, thanks to Bill
and some good bystanders, but they
wouldn't have fallen in the first place
if they hadn't been bending backwards
upside down over the edge of the railing
to get a selfie... Their GoPro was not
rescued, and neither, I'm told, was their
smartphone. Seriously, people. No selfie
is worth your life. Hypothermia is not a
joke.
That said, I'm human, and I can't help
but laugh at the selfie fails I've seen
on the internet. Let's turn this around
and check on YOU, my lovely readers: what
is YOUR most hilarious selfie fail?
Last but not least, for disclosure, Emma
Richards has paid me in Cadbury Creme
Eggs to publically state the following:
she heard on the grapevine that her long-
time boyfriend, who broke up with her
last Spring, has recently been accepted
into the NASA space program, and she
hopes he does so well that he becomes one
of the next astronauts to land on the
Moon...and stays there, preferably alone
and choking on his own hot air.
Sorry, Dave. Shouldn't have done that.
February 6, 2020
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, angel dust
has officially been sanctioned, and not
in the good way, in a town hall meeting.
Local EMTs took three people down to the
hospital after a massive glitter-splosion
accident where balloons half-filled with
"angel dust" were popped by accident, all
at once, by a falling ladder at the Town
Hall itself, sending pounds of the stuff
right into eyes and airways.
On the bright side, you can be proud of
one thing: you, and your TikTok friends,
have leveraged your fifteen seconds of
fame to get glitter officially labeled a
disturbance to the peace.
Envelope-form only, kids.
Now, I do have some bad news. Nettle
won't be staying on as our new manicurist
after all, but she says she has enjoyed
getting to know the ladies, and some of
the gentlemen, of the town in the short
while she has been here. We wish her all
the best in her new life as a millionaire
lottery winner, lucky duck. When I asked
her about her plans, she said she and her
hubby have decided to find their dream
home in the hills of Italy, and intend to
spend their days posting YouTube videos
of their costumed cats putting on feline
versions of Shakespeare.
To each her own, but I'll keep an eye out
for those videos, Nettle. Tombu is one
cute cat.
Now, as much as I would love to write all
of the entries we received for most
embarrassing selfies, my editor has asked
me to poll the office for the top three,
and these are the result:
1. When taking a selfie on a windy tower
overseas, she who shall remain name-
less at her own request felt quite a
sudden breeze down below when her new
sarong slipped free of her hips.
This wouldn't have been as much of an
issue if she weren't wearing her last
pair of "emergencies only" panties...
with holes in awkward places.
2. Every time this gentleman would try
to get a picture of himself to send
out to a dating service, his cat Pogo
would somehow photo-bomb the shot,
until he eventually gave in and just
held the cat.
3. A young woman thought she looked fab,
and went to take a selfie of herself
down in Riverside Park. Satisfied,
she posted the picture to her social
media accounts, only to receive
message after message asking her
about the dogs. Puzzled by this, she
looked more closely at the selfie,
and lo and behold, a pair of dog-
walkers were chatting on a bench, and
their pooches were doing it, doggy-
style of course, behind them.
Immortalized by the internet. Ever wonder
what aliens would think about our species
if they watched what we post for the
universe to see?
February 13, 2020
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
Kip Kensington-esque Valentine's Day fail
to share with you all. No, sadly, Kip
himself is not a part of it. Kip, you're
being entirely too circumspect lately.
But enough of Kip. On to today's gossip!
Upon waking up yesterday morning, the 80-
year old Mrs. Mitchell, a retired school
counselor, looked out her front door and
saw that she had a package waiting. Not
having ordered anything recently, she was
curious nonetheless, and the anonymity of
the box and its sender really should have
been a clue.
Long story short: a delivery of very sexy
toys and playthings spilled out in rubber
and lace all over her table...
Thankfully, a very "loving" note inside
the box sent with the items did include
the name of the intended recipient, a
young woman who lived in the house next
door. Let this be a lesson to all who
order gifts online: double-check your
delivery addresses, or you could send
kinky sex toys to grandmothers with heart
conditions.
Speaking of delving, have you all been
watching the news? What do you think
about prospectors looking at the mine
again? The town could use the money, as
Mayor Jack would be quick to agree, but
is it worth it to have all that noise
and fuss? Why don't we just make it a
historic landmark and be done with all
of this?
In lighter news, parents, don't forget to
pay a visit to the library on Main Street
before Saturday. There's a kiddie pool
of Goldfish crackers and a challenge to
guess how many are in the pool for you
and your kidlets to win. If you don't
have time to go in person, you can also
submit bets online, at the library web-
site.
February 20, 2020
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
February 27, 2020
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
