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| | This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety. | | This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety. |
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| − | ==March 16 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all <br>learned the value of not trusting Jimmy <br>Miller when he says his dog is smart. <br>No smart dog would run in front of a <br>plow going full-tilt, but the vet says <br>the pup's going to recover just in time <br>for the Spring tourist season and <br>chasing muddy motorcycles. <br> <br>What isn't going to recover? Maddy <br>Nichols' flower beds, seeing as Mr. <br>Miller ran that plow up over the curb. <br>Lopped the heads right off four of the <br>gnomes, too.<br><br>A newcomer got in a good brawl this <br>past weekend in front of Cyclone, too, <br>and that makes the sixth since the new <br>bar opened. Six fights in a month. <br>What does this mean for you, my readers?<br>Jack squat. The Mayor, I have it from a <br>reliable source, has no intention of <br>telling that nice young lady off.<br></span>
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| − | ==March 23 2017== | + | {| width="70%" style="padding:20px; border:1px solid whitesmoke;" |
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, Spring has <br>sprung, and what it's sprung is a great<br>big leak. Word to the wise: don't let <br>your pipes freeze like a certain<br>somebody down on Main Street, or you get<br>what they got: a hefty bill and soggy<br>floors.<br><br>Keep those faucets dripping!<br><br>Speaking of dripping, now, I don't <br>usually go for the dark meat, but <br>there's a huge hunk of stranger around<br>town who's more than enough to warm my <br>oven. I'm minded to ask him over for a<br>cup of sugar, if Lou and BangBang don't <br>get to him first.<br><br>Seems there's been banging of a <br>different kind up on the mountain. Odd <br>noises in the mine, lights at night. <br>I'd keep my teenagers pent tight if I <br>had any. Never know what those kids<br>will go and get into.<br></span>
| + | | colspan="3" style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | Archives for posts from previous years are located at the links below: |
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| | + | | style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2017|March-December 2017]]''' |
| | + | | style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2018|January-December 2018]]''' |
| | + | | style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2019|January-December 2019]]''' |
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| − | ==March 30 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the town<br>had its first shooting in a long, long<br>while. All of you coffee addicts will<br>have to get your fix elsewhere, because<br>this columnist is told by a reliable <br>source that the Crossroads Cafe is going<br>to be closed until Friday morning. Hope<br>the owner's taking time to write up how<br>she wants that story told.<br><br>Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied <br>with my own little eye none other than <br>Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in <br>one mighty big hurry. Can't be <br>drinking, because we all know the Mayor<br>would never touch lip to bottle on the <br>job. Isn't that right, Suzanne?<br><br>I don't know about you, but I've heard <br>some mighty fine things about our Miller <br>boys this season for the roads, as much <br>snow as we've been getting, and I'm <br>giving them a shout-out for a job well<br>done. Now if only they could do it<br>without shirts... Hubba hubba. Rest <br>assured, if you boys ever want to do a <br>calendar for charity, the Enid Schmitt <br>Foundation will gladly accept your kind <br>donation.<br><br>
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| − | ==April 06 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've seen<br>what happens when you drive a motor bike<br>into a river. We've also seen what<br>happens when your mother finds out about<br>it, haven't we, Jimmy?<br><br>Don't stop. You provide so many column<br>inches.<br><br>Got some delicious hints swirling around<br>town this week of a new baker on the<br>loose, but no one's owning up to leaving<br>cupcakes on doorsteps just yet, or what<br>exactly those sprinkles on top were made<br>of. Watch out, Martha. You could have<br>some competition.<br><br>Watch out for moose!<br><br>Heard tell one of the farmers west of <br>town had an antlered visitor attempting<br>to make nice with his Morgans the other<br>day. She wasn't having any, and that's<br>a damn shame, with a rack like that.<br></span>
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| − | ==April 13 2017== | + | ==January 2, 2020== |
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is<br>busy busy busy, and so is the gossip! <br><br>With Easter only days away, you'd think<br>people would know better than to go egg-<br>tossing at police cars, wouldn't you,<br>Mikey? Once you're done hand washing <br>all of the squad cars, mind coming over<br>to do mine?<br><br>I've seen a lovely young lady out and<br>about a-wandering this week, but no<br>handsome young lad to accompany her on<br>the riverbank. Watch the east, now. <br>Things on that side get slippery.<br><br>The mystery cupcakes continue!<br><br>Who IS our secretive pastry chef? Lou<br>and Bang Bang say they're offering a<br>free hair cut to anyone who can identify<br>the source of their decadent delectables<br>this week.<br><br></span>
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| − | ==April 27 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had<br>an exciting go of it, but if you don't<br>like tall, dark, mysterious strangers,<br>why do we care anyway? This man rolled<br>in on a bus at an ungodly hour, I tell<br>you, I've heard it from a reputable<br>source myself, wearing all black, and<br>talked with a few foreigners for hours.<br>Just who is this mystery man, and how<br>can I convince him to come over for MY<br>coffee? Hubba hubba.<br><br>Certain indiscretions were overheard, <br>I'm told, at the Crossroads Cafe. Now<br>I wasn't there myself, but in my humble<br>opinion, people with so many secrets <br>really ought to be better at keeping <br>them. Most folks aren't so pleased <br>about going to court, young man. Be <br>careful what you say.<br><br>Be careful what you eat, too, because by<br>golly these cupcakes just keep coming. <br>Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come <br>up and lie about baking them again. <br>I've tasted your cooking, and it's <br>enough to make a cat laugh!<br></span>
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| − | ==May 04 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had<br>a delicious little peccadillo at the new<br>bookstore in town. I've had reliable <br>reports of more than one romantic <br>entanglement gone wrong, and, even <br>better, I hear tell a lady stormed out<br>altogether after a certain pint-sized <br>bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.<br><br>Hot sales at Homepage! Thefts, too. A<br>few books seem to be missing, but with<br>the owner such a hot item, I wouldn't<br>presume to wonder why...<br><br>Speaking of shopkeepers, someone ought<br>to set up a secret sale over at <br>Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got<br>some folks who can't keep their mouths<br>shut in public. There are better<br>places to chit-chat about local queens, <br>and if I'm hearing about it, how many <br>others are?<br><br>If you haven't been down to the Evelyn <br>Miller Memorial Gardens yet, do it, <br>because showers of white petals are<br>about as close to snowfall as I want to <br>think about right now. Is Winter over?<br></span>
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| − | ==May 11 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the rising<br>temps have seen a corresponding rise in<br>idiots thinking the signs about rapid<br>currents are for amateurs. Really,<br>Megan, you didn't have to prove your<br>parents right BEFORE you left for<br>college. They always told you not to<br>date him. This is why. Go have a<br>coffee, meet a handsome god. Have a<br>fling you'll never forget.<br><br>Speaking of flinging with gods, trouble<br>in paradise? Forget what I said last<br>week about a secret-share. We just need<br>a full-time time-share with that cutey<br>Hazel on the Crossroads Cafe, Thom,<br>because she's giving us a spot with so<br>much material! And men. The men!<br><br>The screaming, the throwing, the drama,<br>la, c'est vraiment magnifique!<br><br>Last week's book owner gave us all<br>another stunning example of what NOT to<br>do in a relationship, and hoo boy, let<br>me tell you, kid, skirt-hopping after<br>popping your cherry with a girl is not<br>a way to make a friend. I could use<br>your name, but then, you already had<br>it shouted across the entire cafe.<br>There's such a thing as pity. <br><br>Have mine.<br></span>
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| − | ==May 18 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have to<br>applaud the folks trying to hook me up <br>with Bigfoot. Don't get me wrong. I <br>like...big...men as much as the next <br>woman, but the hair? Would YOU want <br>that between your teeth? Nice try, <br>kiddos.<br><br>Speaking of big men, I hear tell that<br>Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.<br>Tough to get prettier than he is, and my<br>reliable source confirms that they went<br>quite out of their way to have a very,<br>very expensive bite to eat. Keep the<br>beauties here, folks! Someone go get<br>rich and build a fancy restaurant called<br>Something Blue. Pay me a nice juicy<br>commission and the IP's yours!<br><br>Sadly, not everyone is hooking up this<br>week. Sorry, Betsy. I told you, lemon<br>juice down under on date night, not a<br>good idea. What guy wants his girl to<br>show up with yellow unmentionables? Not<br>any I know, that's for sure. Heard tell<br>of an oddball breakup at Crossroads<br>Cafe, too. Who'd WRITE their breakup<br>lines and hand them to a guy instead of<br>SAYING them? Then again, given who it<br>was, staying quiet's an improvement.<br>Sorry, kid. Stop by the paper some time<br>for a bad coffee.<br></span>
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| − | ==May 25 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, there was<br>quite the commotion over at our favorite<br>sap's book store. The way I hear it,<br>while the girl behind the counter tried<br>to hush it up with louder music,<br>customers report a woman shouting at<br>someone (three guesses who), and even<br>something shattering. Hoo boy, this<br>kid's a treat! Never leave. You make<br>my job a breeze, Kip.<br><br>Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?<br>Had a few muscled young farmers (hubba<br>hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying<br>around, no falconer in sight.<br><br>Mary Adams was mighty breezy, too, the<br>other day. What are you trying to do,<br>be Vermont's soggy Monroe? Who wears<br>white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?<br>Love the neon piglets on the<br>unmentionables.<br><br>Last but not least, catch it quick. I<br>hear they're power washing that horrible<br>wall lickety split to get it off.<br>Someone went and (spray)painted the city<br>red, some poem about sorrow and love<br>scribbled all over the side of a<br>building down by the corner of Rockdove<br>and Mack. Police are looking for the<br>artist to give them a talking to, and so<br>am I! I've got to know, how DID they<br>climb that wall? Do we have ourselves a<br>brand new Spiderman?<br></span>
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| − | ==June 02 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had<br>a positive dearth (that's an SAT word,<br>Sally, but you wouldn't know that, on <br>account of skipping school to play with<br>Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from<br>the town's favorite bookstore owner.<br><br>Kip, you disappoint us.<br><br>News from Fort Brunsett says that local<br>Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity<br>like it's going out of style. The food<br>bank's sure to thank him, but where's<br>our cut? Hungry newspaper services need<br>to snack! I have a particular fondness<br>for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.<br><br>Those of you of a mind to go joining a <br>cult have got a new temple, I'm told. <br>Haven't visited myself, but reliable <br>sources say it's a hoot. Night club, <br>Fort Brunsett, keep your teens on <br>leashes, parents, because it sounds like<br>something right up their alley.<br><br>Last but not least, oh ho, not least by<br>far, we have a lovely contribution from <br>one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat. I hear <br>there was quite the handsome stud the <br>other day, took his clothes right off to <br>wash them all buck naked. A cowboy hat <br>over the fun bits really does ruin some <br>of the joy, but mister, whoever you are, <br>that grandmother says you can give her a <br>show whenever you like! Ladies, it's <br>time to break your washer and head to <br>the Laundromat because there's more than <br>suds perking up around there!<br></span>
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| − | ==June 08 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we<br>had a record number of Web hits for SAT<br>words to stump me with. Try harder. <br><br>I have a few for you, my rabid readers:<br> * semaphore<br> * duress<br> * substantiate<br><br>They are all, one is certain, quite <br>appropriate words to use when describing<br>the delectable moaning at a certain <br>bookstore owner's table this week. <br>Surrounded by two women, no less.<br>In public. Kip, Kip, groupies already. <br><br>It sounds like one of those moaners is <br>prepping for a street fair, soon, and <br>wants me to get wet along with her. Far <br>be it from me to deny dunk tanks for <br>charity.<br><br>Hear that, Lou? That's the sound of a<br>good dye job spiraling down the drain,<br>and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.<br></span>
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| − | ==June 15 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &<br>State" by a mystery admirer. Patron's a<br>little masculine, don't you think? I'll<br>put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm<br>up for titles, folks. Or Maven. That's<br>much better. What do YOU think?<br><br>The bonbons were delicious. Thank you!<br><br>Speaking of admirers, Tommy, you know <br>that little word Rebecah told you at the<br>farm? I hear you didn't. Also, keep a <br>better eye out for security cameras next<br>time you and the boys want to <br>'anonymously' egg my house, and at least <br>dye the shells first. White's so <br>ordinary, don't you think?<br><br>I hear tell the statue down on <br>Stagbridge got itself a golden surprise <br>of its own, not to mention any of the <br>cars driving past it. I think my tires <br>aspire toward pole-dancing, as much <br>glitter as they've got in their treads. <br>Gallons of gold glitter, I can see. The <br>gold top hat and suit? Sure hope they <br>don't want those back. I distinctly <br>recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.<br></span>
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| − | ==June 22 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have the<br>inestimable joy of reporting that our<br>much-reported Kip is back in the paper:<br><br>HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!<br><br>Which of your girlfriends did you invite<br>to the party?<br><br>If you haven't checked out our local<br>Instagram princess, take a gander at <br>Franklyn Garreau. Then again, reliable<br>sources indicate she may be dating C.B.<br>Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?<br><br>I don't know about poaching, but setting<br>hearts on fire is one thing. Setting<br>hunks of fence on fire is something<br>altogether different, and the volunteer<br>firefighters are still looking for the<br>culprit on that one. Who needs a<br>bonfire in THIS weather?<br><br>No, Henrietta, despite best efforts to<br>the contrary, the burning smell down by<br>the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's<br>caboose. What sound DOES a frying pan<br>full of hot potatoes make against bare <br>skin?<br></span>
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| − | ==June 29 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell<br>we have a man down in the city who needs<br>to be disabused of his avian heredity. I<br>don't know what drugs he was on, but if<br>they can make a guy jump out of a tree<br>forty feet high, they've got to be some-<br>thing. Kids, don't do drugs. Hospital<br>bills are killers.<br><br>So are hunters, but it's not a hunter<br>bugging deer this time. Seems there was<br>a fight down at the The Union bar, not<br>unusual, Alexanders being Alexanders.<br>The hotties in blue didn't want it to <br>get out, but come, officers, how can we<br>resist? The deer was cheating, see. It<br>helped the other guy out, but in my<br>humble opinion, the deer's the real <br>victim here; it already died once. Let's<br>leave that buck alone.<br><br>Last but not least, this juicy tidbit <br>was witnessed by yours truly down at the<br>Crossroads Cafe just yesterday. Is our<br>favorite Kip being left behind? Mina, I<br>have to say, you look fabulous. Unlike<br>your choice in men.<br><br>Really, that hair? <br><br>Sid, darling, thank you for the flower.<br>Get a tailor. And a hairdresser. Don't<br>forget a barber.<br></span>
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| − | ==July 06 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------<br><br> LETTER to the EDITOR<br><br>Dear Ms. Schmitt, reputations in public. Is this what<br> the area's populace consider<br>Since no one else will condemn your "entertainment"? Are you making a<br>travesty of a column, it falls upon living off the suffering of others?<br>me to do so. Then you need to stop and consider<br> what you're doing, not just what<br>In an area the size of the Fort generates more subscribers for your<br>Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column newspaper.<br>like yours can only sow strife and <br>discord. You're no doubt aware of the I will be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,<br>damage your column does, but you and I know I'm not the only one. We <br>continue thanks to "loyal" readership the people will not be silenced or<br>who likely slaver for whatever scraps intimidated by your petty, small-town <br>you deign to give them. small-mindedness. Remember that you<br> are a public figure, and public<br>You should be ashamed of yourself. I figures have a duty to do right by the<br>have personally witnessed or heard public.<br>tales of your column threatening <br>relationships, striking unnecessary Be seeing you,<br>terror into the hearts of the timid, <br>and causing people to fear for their Number Six <br><br>-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------<br> <br> T A M A R A C K T I M E S trouble was looming overhead.<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT <br> Even Jack's. Don't listen to protests<br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have otherwise.<br>the unalloyed joy of a threatening <br>letter to report, my rabid readers! It Second, I do have rather a lovely <br>slanders my reputation, which I am word affair with Kip, don't I? He is<br>perfectly capable of doing on my own, an exquisite example of the male<br>darling Six, and claims a conspiracy species. By drawing attention to the<br>of watchers -- just for me! pairings I do, I serve a social<br> purpose beyond my own pleasure, <br>I'm flattered. Truly. though I will be first to assure you<br> that writing about Kip is never dull.<br>Also, typewriters are fantastic, and <br>I would love to chat with you about Gossip brings people together.<br>the ink you used. I have an Olympia <br>myself, manual of course. There's Social rules these days aren't written<br>something so authentic about using in a book. We live them. By shining<br>equipment which will last a hundred the light of day on transgressions, I<br>years. show the community where it could use<br> a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,<br>Don't you agree? I make them laugh about it. We're a<br> small town in a great big world.<br>I do, however, disagree with you on <br>several points. Let us address them in Does the entire town need to know that<br>order, shall we? Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies<br> underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday<br>First, size has nothing to do with afternoon at church? Probably not,<br>the media's ability to influence the but the shame of it will keep the girl<br>public. It is our duty and our from doing it again, now, won't it,<br>privilege to report, faithfully, the Essie?<br>issues of the modern era. In my case, <br>this being an entertainment column, Does the entire town need to know that<br>yes, dear, revenues do indicate a I admired the hot new teller at the <br>significant value in my opinions, and hardware store? Probably not, but he<br>I have the personal gratitude of many should be a firefighter so I can get a<br>who would otherwise never have known calendar and think about my misspent<br> youth...<br><br></span>
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| − | ==July 13 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>delighted by the show of support from my<br>loyal readers. Thank you for your<br>letters, ladies and gents.<br><br>As for Six... Surely you were joking.<br>Telling me to throw my darling <br>typewriter out a window is not the <br>commentary of a man who truly respects <br>his machines. <br><br>On better news, our beloved Kip has used<br>the kerfuffle to earn money for the <br>local library, for which I thank him, <br>and I only regret he wasn't there to <br>sell me my 'E' pin all by himself. <br>He did, however, give me my very own, <br>via Ms. Green, for which I thank him. I<br>always knew I was a Queen!<br><br>Speaking of queens, I hear tell one of <br>Kip's many ladies may be hitting the <br>stage again, and wouldn't that be a <br>treat? Break a leg, Mina! I forgive<br>your lapse in judgement. <br><br>For the rest of the Sixers out there, I<br>fully expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a<br>la West Side Story, down Main Street.<br>Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,<br>can't you? I know you will.<br></span>
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| − | ==July 20 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>a record number of fender benders, and I<br>can't say I blame them. 'Pretty Woman'<br>doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were<br>less happily married to my job, I might<br>be jealous at all the attention she's<br>been getting. Whoever she is.<br><br>Keep an eye out down by the riverbank.<br>Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want<br>any accidents.<br><br>In other news, it seems Cyclone is off<br>the hook for the latest public brawl,<br>folks. None other than our favorite Kip<br>was seen at Homepage Books duking it out<br>with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ<br>on whether it was over who was better in<br>the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.<br><br>Personally, seeing as there was shouting<br>and carrying on from at least two women,<br>one of which is the lovely Mina, the <br>other of which is an Angel, I'm leaning<br>toward the gentlemen brawling over hot<br>dates. Or their dates' honor...<br><br>I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl<br>for MY honor, that's for sure. What do<br>you say, folks? Feel up to fighting <br>the good fight?<br></span>
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| − | ==July 27 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>very little gossip-worthy action. Such a<br>shame.<br><br>That said, Kip, you should go out and<br>talk to Emma about cows. I hear tell a<br>heifer had a thing or two to say about<br>a certain someone daydreaming instead of<br>paying attention to where she was going.<br><br>Crews are still working to clean up the<br>tree limbs brought down by that freak <br>thunderstorm earlier this week, so be <br>patient and be careful if you're <br>thinking about hiking up Salvation. If <br>you're thinking about hiking up <br>Mischance, take care, and watch out for <br>Adam Morrison. Young, black hair, <br>creative. His friends said he was last <br>seen near the mines during a LARP. The <br>Miller boys intend to do a grid search <br>of the area this weekend if he isn't <br>found.<br></span>
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| − | ==August 17 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, at last I<br>return from two weeks in sunny, utterly<br>dull and boring Florida. Not a single <br>thing worthy of my talents, which says a<br>bit in and of itself. I'm with Green,<br>Frank. Arcadia's a bad idea.<br><br>I hear tell life around town got all the<br>excitement I missed! Riot #1, exploding<br>ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague<br>Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight<br>and local DJ for WFBR, has been sharing<br>that British charm with anyone who asks.<br>Lie back and think of England, indeed.<br><br>A little birdy with much better pitch<br>than a certain laundromat owner tweeted<br>about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,<br>last Friday, if by good you mean a rip-<br>roaring riot over local-author-on-the-<br>lam C.B. Alexander, poetry and, oddly,<br>the rights of vegetables. Exploding<br>lights, this time, instead of ice cream<br>tubs, but this reporter wonders.<br><br>Last but not least, hometown hopeful<br>Cameron Lefevre has returned from his<br>failure at acquiring success and musical<br>obscurity. Don't worry, Cam. We're all<br>family here. No one will ever forget,<br>but we laugh because we care. Also<br>because it was hilarious schadenfreude,<br>but that's beside the point.<br><br>Welcome home. Bring an extra string to<br>your show in the park next week, kiddo.<br></span>
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| − | ==August 24 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we say a<br>fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,<br>long-term member of the community, and<br>I, for one, will miss his sermons on the<br>souls of fruitcakes. Remember, it's all<br>in the nuts.<br><br>What a surprise to hear about Mr. C.B.<br>'Copfire' Alexander being nuts himself.<br>Takes one to know one, right? Bet his<br>book sales are going through the roof.<br>Kudos, kid. Pity it wasn't just a pub-<br>licity stunt. Or was it?<br><br>Get this, too. At a reader's request, I<br>sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They<br>just sent their response: not just a<br>letter, but an actual FORM letter from<br>Sai Joshi, he of the incomparable <br>eyelashes, stating that while he is <br>aware they are abnormally long, they are <br>quite natural.<br><br>A form letter. <br><br>This begs the question: how many people<br>ask about his eyelashes? Has he ever<br>thought about trimming them? Cosmetic<br>eyelash buzzing could become a whole<br>new trend.<br></span>
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| − | ==August 31 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not<br>much from our own back yard. Let's get<br>started on a high note: passers-by near<br>Majesty Records the other morning saw a<br>certain bookstore owner and radio Queen<br>'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully<br>cozy. Is this why his coffee mug at<br>Homepage clearly showed lip prints in<br>her shade of lipstick? What does Paige<br>have to say about this, and how many<br>pieces will he be in when she's done?<br><br>Speaking of tumultuous romances, the up<br>and downs with Franklyn are enough to<br>make me dizzy. Personally, I'd like to<br>know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire<br>when he got discharged from the hospital<br>the other day. What angle does she have<br>on the guy? Is getting a play out of<br>him that important?<br><br>Heard tell there was a lady going into<br>Cat-22 covered in blood, which doesn't<br>bode well for C.B. staying out of jail,<br>now, does it? Same person who started<br>the riot, I'm told, but my sources<br>didn't give me any names. Don't worry.<br>I'll keep digging. So will the police,<br>if what was in her bag was really as<br>suspicious as it seemed...<br><br>Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard<br>diner. I don't know about you, but that<br>Last Chance place is going to need some <br>out of this world delicious meals or <br>have some pretty fancy gimmicks to get <br>me in there to try '90s mystery meat.<br></span>
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| − | ==September 07 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>a dearth of fiery gossip. So sad. I am<br>disappointed in you all.<br><br>So is this guinea pig I heard of down at<br>our local Instagram princess' theatre<br>sleepover party. There are a few rumors<br>floating around as to his identity, but<br>none conclusive. The great guinea pig<br>remains a mystery. Superheroes used to<br>be a bit more impressive...<br><br>On the bright side, the slumber party<br>was a success, though I've heard several<br>reports of horrific nightmares since. <br>Just what was in the water?<br><br>Even better, our favorite CB is in the<br>news again. Seems there was a gas leak<br>down in Fort Brunsett at Her Majesty's<br>record store, with 'gnarly' (who uses<br>that word?) graphic gushing nosebleeds<br>and foul smells. Does CB just like the<br>sight of blood? He's been in two riots<br>that I'm aware of, he firebombed a<br>police station, and now this. Mr.<br>Alexander, Tamarack Falls would like to<br>know.<br><br>Are you a vampire?<br></span>
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| − | ==September 14 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at<br>last, another rumor about our favorite<br>bookstore owner. I have it on good<br>authority that he was seen walking out<br>of a local bar with a lovely redhead on<br>his arm. Bill's Bar, to be precise. <br>If anyone's keeping track of the women<br>in his life, let me know, because at<br>this point I've lost count!<br><br>Adorkable is in, ladies. Catch him if<br>you can.<br><br>Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob<br>quarterback Simon Desrochers may or may<br>not have been invited to try out for a <br>certain very famous football team which<br>surely none of us will guess. You go,<br>boy! Won't convince Suzie you weren't<br>necking with Annette in the back seat on<br>the way out to practice, though.<br><br>I've been practicing a bit, myself. The<br>fine art of writing sonnets, however,<br>still eludes me.<br><br>Try this one on for size:<br><br>The buds of Summer bloom, and die, and<br>fade.<br>What hope has he to warm us Winter long?<br>He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but<br>staid.<br>His heart is caught in his own lonely<br>song.<br><br>The mountains sigh and shiver in the <br>cold,<br>With icy winds no mortal may resist.<br>Ignoring Autumn's stories, he grows<br>bold.<br>He questions, begs and threatens to <br>persist.<br><br>How then shall we treat a heart so <br>sure?<br>So certain, firm and faithful to his<br>truth?<br>It trembles, quakes and quivers to <br>immure<br>The friendly public's foibles as <br>uncouth.<br><br>It does him little good to hold aloof.<br>For me, I only hope we're fireproof.<br><br>--<br><br>Woo me with poetry, not with abuse, my <br>darling Alexander. Until we meet again.<br></span>
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| − | ==September 21 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not<br>currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-<br>der threw a bit of biological warfare<br>in through my living room window. It<br>was a good window, too.<br><br>More importantly, you left your finger<br>prints all over it, kid. Already talked<br>to the deputy. Your parents have been<br>informed. Please don't do that again. I<br>won't mention it if you don't.<br><br>Now, my columns will be written a bit <br>more slowly until this arm heals, but I<br>do apologize for missing last week's<br>deadline. Cows wait for no man. Or me.<br>Obviously. If you don't know what I'm<br>talking about, ask Green. Shh. She<br>doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'<br><br>Now down to business. I've heard tell<br>that our local tea witch Avalon has been<br>making a lot of trips down to the river<br>lately. Point in fact, I've got three<br>separate eye witnesses attesting that<br>she's wandered on home soaked to the<br>bone three times in the past few weeks<br>alone.<br><br>Lonnie, are you trying to catch your<br>death?<br><br>It doesn't run fast. Definitely not as<br>fast as the Tam. Slower than Kip, too,<br>once word gets out. Just what WAS he<br>doing in that lingerie store, anyway?<br>Shopkeepers said he was in the male<br>section for half an hour, but wouldn't<br>tell my sources what he bought. More's<br>the pity.<br></span>
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| − | ==September 28 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I learned<br>that I am getting old. A nice young man<br>from out of town insisted on helping me<br>walk across the street. Hopefully he<br>gets his Boy Scouts merit badge for it.<br>Thanks for making 40 feel like 80, kid.<br>I hope I meet a boy like you when I'm<br>really aged and decrepit.<br><br>Speaking of kids, I heard through the<br>grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused<br>some local drama at a children's birth-<br>day party. Sounds like a kid started<br>using pepper spray on the clown and<br>quoting some very inappropriate language<br>which I won't repeat in print. A local<br>Japanese magician's said to have stepped<br>in to take over, so kudos on not getting<br>Maced.<br><br>Violence is otherwise the theme de la<br>semaine. Got some very confused cows<br>thanks to the tippers out in the west <br>valley, more broken windows (thanks,<br>Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges<br>heading toward eastbank. Joy, Wendell,<br>you should know better. You should also<br>be more careful about setting lookouts<br>to warn you that someone's sitting there<br>having a morning coffee while you paint.<br><br>On a brighter note, I hear tell Candace<br>Malbury and Richard Miller were having<br>a grand old time while prepping for the<br>town's harvest fair yesterday...<br><br>I never knew you could do so much with a<br>single ear of corn. Never wanted to,<br>either. You may have scarred me for<br>life, but what do I know? I'm an old<br>lady who needs help crossing a street.<br></span>
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| − | ==October 05 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK<br>in the limelight, people. I have not<br>one, not two, but THREE separate sources<br>citing fascinating little tidbits about<br>our favourite lady-charmer.<br><br>Charming to us, perhaps.<br><br>I hear tell that he left Cyclone in a<br>nasty mood the other night. Lovers'<br>quarrel? Why pay for beer when Paige<br>would give it to him free?<br><br>Maybe she's just jealous of his success,<br>assuming he really IS the secret author<br>of the Haris brother books. Rumor is,<br>the author is a local. Kip, are you<br>Nathalia Daring? You're concealing your<br>secret passion for C.B. Alexander,<br>according to a number of sources, and<br>you do seem to have a large number of<br>these delightfully torrid novels in your<br>stock. Tell all!<br><br>Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage<br>Books sure has a doozy. A brown paper <br>package addressed to the bookshop was <br>accidentally left at the real estate <br>agency on South Main and Mill, and <br>hoo boy, those girls got a surprise! No<br>brochures, but there was definitely a <br>ball-gag, an eight foot long bullwhip <br>with a mighty interesting handle, and a <br>single copy of '212 Step Guide to the <br>Art of Masculine Domination' signed by <br>the author with the personalisation of: <br>"You can do it, buddy!". Apparently the <br>girls at the estate agency just didn't <br>know what to do. Maybe they were scared <br>the proprietor next door would love <br>their neighbour as they love themselves.<br><br>Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither<br>Nancy Drew nor Jessica Fletcher, but I<br>do appreciate the intimation that 40 is<br>still below the aged and decrepit line.<br>You're welcome to help me across the<br>street any day, handsome.<br></span>
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| − | ==October 12 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>few relationship squabbles and a few odd<br>events, but let's get to the juicy stuff<br>first.<br><br>Number One: Jason Weatherby, don't you<br>know by now not to go slicking your wick<br>in places it shouldn't go?<br><br>Number Two: Anita and Josephine aren't<br>your type, George. Trust me. The words<br>I have refrained from printing about<br>you on account of your papa being nice<br>to me in high school...<br><br>Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy<br>little fox. I didn't know you had it in<br>you. You go girl!<br><br>Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all<br>get to play at being fair maidens (well,<br>some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah<br>darling) soon. I heard tell that const-<br>ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is<br>going to be a perpetual jousting tourney<br>and such. Costumes and riding lessons,<br>sword fighting, and possibly a polar<br>bear, though I personally suspect my<br>source had had a bit too much of the <br>aqua vitae.<br><br>Have to wonder if our local Instagram<br>princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit too<br>much to drink, herself. I've heard from<br>six sources, now, that she was seen down<br>in our favourite Alexander's Cat-22, <br>barely dressed, laughing and humming and<br>writing who knows what down. Whatever it<br>was, we'll never know, too, because I'm<br>told a fellow (fella? sources couldn't<br>decide) named Teagan took a bat to the<br>table, then shredded it all.<br><br>Franky, Franky. What are you doing?<br><br>You're supposed to date that charmer<br>Amanda, not give C.B. more reasons to<br>give our fine officers hot feet.<br><br>It does seem Green's got herself at <br>least one admirer, even if it isn't you.<br>Heard tell there was a fine Japanese<br>gentleman wandering around drugged to<br>the gills and rambling love poems.<br><br>Then again, the way this town is going,<br>maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,<br>do tell. Do you like your men all soft<br>and mumbly?<br></span>
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| − | ==October 19 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we don't<br>need our jackets much; it's summer all<br>over again. Whichever of you's whisper<br>ing sweet nothings into Autumn's ears, I<br>hope you can explain yourself to the <br>forsythia. It's not even close to being<br>Spring, and my poor, confused bushes are<br>trying their utmost to bloom.<br><br>Emily's blooming too, I hear. Kudos, <br>kiddo. Congratulations on the scholar<br>ship.<br><br>Kudos to a stranger named Ziv as well,<br>and I'm sure Crumpet would thank her if<br>a dog could talk. I've heard a few<br>folks chitter-chattering away about her<br>heroic stormdrain pup rescue services.<br><br>Now, if only somebody could rescue our<br>darling Bill's head. The Scouts tried<br>to honor the guy by hanging up a sign<br>above the doorway to the bar, but some<br>kid obviously hasn't done his carpentry<br>merit badge yet, on account of how the<br>nails weren't really holding that thing<br>to the wall...<br><br>Don't worry. It's a mild oak-induced<br>concussion. He's cussing alright, and<br>fit to spit nails. Not literally. They<br>didn't hit his mouth. Bet he'd look<br>fantastic with a nose piercing to go on<br>through the new holes there, though.<br>
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| − | ==October 26 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we get the<br>delightful chance to marvel at human<br>stupidity. Harold Lehrman, did I tell<br>you or did I not that you'd regret that<br>chainsaw you left on your floor? Thank<br>me later for getting your name in the<br>paper.<br><br>Amanda Green, you shameless minx. Don't<br>you think I won't repeat that you did<br>your entire show in dishabille. Beyond<br>it, even. Stealing hearts with a pretty<br>voice and a lovely...smile.<br><br>We've got ourselves a vorpal playing<br>card, too, and this author wonders about<br>the timing of the King of Hearts, given<br>poor Kip's freshly single status. I got<br>it from Crossroads Cafe, my very own<br>self, from his very own lips.<br>
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| − | <br>Surely we can't blame him, then, for<br>being seen the other night leaving with<br>not one, but two unknown ladies, all of<br>them drunk as a skunk. He says he was<br>going back to a hotel with them, but for<br>what, I wonder?<br><br>This isn't the first time I've heard of<br>Kip going off with someone, either. Why,<br>just in the last few weeks, I hear tell<br>he and C.B. Alexander drove off alone<br>to do 'something' together. C.B. went<br>off with our local Instagram Princess<br>Franklyn Garreau, too.<br><br>Busy, busy, Mr. Alexander.<br><br>Point in fact, I hear tell you picked a<br>fight down in Riverside and went out to<br>the east bank dressed like some kind of<br>tie-dyed female royalty. Is the pressure<br>too much? When's your next book due to<br>be published? If you need some help<br>with relaxation techniques, talk to Anne<br>Harlin. The Reverend says SHE can sleep<br>just about anywhere...<br>
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| − | ==November 2 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, Rebecca has<br>asked me to clarify that she is a minxy<br>BIG fox, in search of a BIG man, if you<br>know what she means.<br><br>Don't I wish I did.<br><br>Saw a couple of hikers the other day <br>heading up Mischance with, I kid you<br>not, ten dogs. Ten. I counted three<br>times. What were they planning to do?<br>Wait until it snowed and run a Tamarack<br>Iditarod?<br><br>I don't know about you, but I have a<br>hard enough time keeping a house plant<br>alive, much less (almost) a dozen dogs.<br>Kudos, strangers. Emphasis on strange.<br><br>Speaking of strange, have you seen that<br>glittery purple balloon lately? Watch<br>out, mystery pilot. The winds over the<br>waterfall can be tricky. My youthful<br>admirers may not believe it of me, but<br>I was once a ballooning champ for<br>three years running, until I took this<br>arrow in the knee.<br><br>On a more heartwarming note (or not, if<br>you're a Scrooge like George), a group<br>of newcomers went out and visited folks<br>at Riverside Hospital this past Tuesday<br>for Halloween. <br><br>No police were called, so it's safe to<br>say that whatever else they did, they<br>didn't scare children to death.<br><br>Seriously, that was a really good deed,<br>folks. Keep it up.<br><br>You too, big mystery man.<br>
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| − | ==November 9 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a<br>fair number of nippy days, haven't we? I<br>would be minded to cuddle up beside my<br>fire with a good book and not come out<br>until Spring thaw, but how could I poss-<br>ibly miss gems like Eddie Mayer trying<br>out his rollerskates down Main Street?<br><br>Note, I did say trying, not succeeding.<br>On the bright side, at least he didn't<br>bleed all over EVERY pole in town...<br><br>Speaking of bleeding, have you seen that<br>new body mod shop down in the city? I<br>hear tell none other than Winny Wilson<br>opened the place up, complete with pig.<br>I hadn't heard of him, scars not being<br>my specialty, but a Johnny Drexel seems <br>to be sporting his own artwork something<br>fierce. <br><br>Don't know about you, but I'm going to<br>avoid bleeding for art.<br><br>Bleeding for gossip, now, that I will do<br>
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| − | with pleasure. I got a dreadful paper<br>cut when I heard that the Treasurer of<br>Fort Brunsett, Molly Crowley-Utridge, <br>was decidedly unwidowly at a dinner with<br>a very nicely dressed Native fellow. My<br>sources say the man was one Malaki Gray-<br>wolf. Is Molly looking to add a second<br>hyphenation to her mouthful of a name?<br><br>I don't even want to think about the<br>mouthfuls Ms. Mina Grey has been having.<br>Ballerina food is rabbit food, and I <br>heard from a little birdy that our dance<br>teacher, or someone who looks a lot like<br>her, was seen in social media marketing<br>for the Slutcracker in Somerville, MA.<br><br>Mina, Mina, Mina. We all know dating Mr.<br>Alexander is enough to drive you to<br>drink, but come on, girl. Do you really<br>want to give him more reasons to set the<br>world on fire?<br>
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| − | ==November 16 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a<br>request from one Haruki for a shout-out<br>about his brother Itsuki's birthday. How<br>can I refuse, when it comes with such<br>charming good wishes about my lack of<br>disappearance?<br><br>Don't worry, kid. I went on a Tuesday.<br><br>In other news, I have learned that First<br>Snow holly sprigs make exceptionally<br>poor seat cushions. If you have never<br>had spiny leaves jabbing into your bony<br>patoot, I highly recommend that you<br>avoid the experience.<br><br>Yes, I went and picked another sprig...<br><br>Eddie Mayer has asked me to correct my<br>previous column. My apologies, Eddie.<br>You were landing on your tush at the<br>corner of Main Street and Mill, not <br>just Main Street. Thank you for the<br>tip!<br><br>Have you seen the prep for the parade<br>this weekend? Got the streamers up and<br>turkeys everywhere. Gotta wonder what<br>aliens would think of it, if they saw<br>it. Are we cultists celebrating our<br>(delicious) gobbly god?<br><br>What's YOUR favorite Thanksgiving food?<br><br>Mine's got to be the mashed potatoes.<br>Get some cream in while you mash, some<br>butter, salt... Mmmmm. Add in a splash<br>of gravy, and you're golden.<br><br>So are the wallets of the emergency<br>services after fixing your food-induced<br>heart attack, but possible death is <br>nothing when compared with a good mash.<br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==November 23 2017==
| + | |
| − | No column! Thanksgiving.
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==November 30 2017==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>
| + | |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a<br>
| + | |
| − | good vacation from reality, thanks to<br>
| + | |
| − | Thanksgiving (sorry, folks, calories do<br>
| + | |
| − | still count on holidays; my scale won't<br>
| + | |
| − | lie), but family time makes for GREAT<br>
| + | |
| − | gossip. <br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Let's get started!<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Jack, Jack, you know you don't do well<br>
| + | |
| − | with wine. The maudlin song prize goes<br>
| + | |
| − | to you, for certain sure. Next time, I<br>
| + | |
| − | want a recorder with me. That stuff<br>
| + | |
| − | would sell!<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | The exploding turkey prize has got to go<br>
| + | |
| − | to Betsy Mayer. Bets, this is the third<br>
| + | |
| − | year in a row. How do you even DO that?<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Jacob Hennessey gets the 'Belongs in One<br>
| + | |
| − | of the Final Destination Movies' prize,<br>
| + | |
| − | because I didn't even know something<br>
| + | |
| − | like this could happen without cinematic<br>
| + | |
| − | magic to help it along. From what I<br>
| + | |
| − | heard, it went something like this: a<br>
| + | |
| − | kid tripped over a chicken, which flew<br>
| + | |
| − | into his mama's patoot, which made her<br>
| + | |
| − | jerk her arm up from the meat she was <br>
| + | |
| − | butchering, and because her hand was wet<br>
| + | |
| − | the knife slipped up and cut the cord <br>
| + | |
| − | holding the oil lamp the kid's older sis<br>
| + | |
| − | had hung up there for extra light, which<br>
| + | |
| − | fell and broke and spilled burning oil<br>
| + | |
| − | every which way, which set mama's pants<br>
| + | |
| − | on fire, which sent mama running out to<br>
| + | |
| − | start stripping in the barnyard with the<br>
| + | |
| − | chickens, which prompted Jacob's sudden<br>
| + | |
| − | coronary and subsequent helicopter ride<br>
| + | |
| − | to Riverside Hospital.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Now THAT is an evening.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Don't worry, Jake's fine. Suzette's all<br>
| + | |
| − | right too, and the chicken made a good<br>
| + | |
| − | supper.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | In less flammable news, I hear tell that<br>
| + | |
| − | Aspire place down in Fort Brunsett may<br>
| + | |
| − | be getting a new owner. Reliable sources<br>
| + | |
| − | inform me that Johnny Drexel has been<br>
| + | |
| − | seen puttering around the lobby through<br>
| + | |
| − | the windows. Does he need that much new<br>
| + | |
| − | space to cut holes in people?<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Time will tell. Also lawyers. Lawyers<br>
| + | |
| − | are really good to have when slicing<br>
| + | |
| − | people up. I, for one, plan to stay far<br>
| + | |
| − | away.<br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==December 7 2017==
| + | |
| − | No column!
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==December 14 2017==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>
| + | |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we get a<br>
| + | |
| − | great big thank you to whichever witch<br>
| + | |
| − | up and decided to curse me last week.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Mr. Alexander, I may be hiring you to<br>
| + | |
| − | set a fire.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | If any of you have never felt the lovely<br>
| + | |
| − | after-effects of a concussion, I most<br>
| + | |
| − | heartily commend you for your choices in<br>
| + | |
| − | life and wish I could go back to join<br>
| + | |
| − | your club.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Let's see, now. Last week, I got a note<br>
| + | |
| − | from a certain Japanese magician that it<br>
| + | |
| − | was C.B. Alexander's birthday, who asks<br>
| + | |
| − | that I send him a birthday message to,<br>
| + | |
| − | I quote, cheer him up. <br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Haruki, kid, you're sweet. If he wants<br>
| + | |
| − | free advertising for his book, he should<br>
| + | |
| − | scream at me some more and post a letter<br>
| + | |
| − | to the editor. That's always fun.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | How's your holiday planning going? I<br>
| + | |
| − | hear tell Mayor Jack has had a few unex-<br>
| + | |
| − | pected visitors lately. Lost relations?<br>
| + | |
| − | Do tell, Mayor!<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Nancy Thackeray sure lost something this<br>
| + | |
| − | weekend, and she won't be getting it<br>
| + | |
| − | back for at least another eighteen years<br>
| + | |
| − | by my reckoning. Congratulations, mama.<br>
| + | |
| − | Hope you don't mind sleep loss. It just<br>
| + | |
| − | gets worse the more you have, I'm told.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | This, my readers, is why I am, and plan<br>
| + | |
| − | to remain, single. Menopause can't come<br>
| + | |
| − | soon enough.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Speaking of marriage and children, our<br>
| + | |
| − | very own Amanda Green has had a few tid-<br>
| + | |
| − | bits floating around about a big to-do<br>
| + | |
| − | wedding of her own. Who's the lucky<br>
| + | |
| − | partner?<br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==December 21 2017==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the smith's<br>a busy busy bee out there. The New Year<br>Nail-Up is in good swing, and clang, and<br>clank...<br><br>I heard tell he got a record number of<br>assistants this year. I wonder why.<br><br>I also wonder why his latest assistant<br>and Kip don't team up to woo the ladies,<br>because hoo boy, Mr. Robin Collier has<br>an accent fit to make a fiddle dance.<br>Don't even get me started on his eyes.<br>That shade of blue should be illegal.<br><br>Of course, he smokes, and he looks like<br>he probably hasn't seen the sun since he<br>was twelve, but those are manageable<br>faults.<br><br>What do you say, Mr. Collier? Are you<br>up for being managed? The ladies'<br>knitting circle would like to know!<br><br>We'd like to know about ghost cars,<br>too, seeing as it seems we've got at<br>least one of those buggers around. A few<br>folks have asked about a crash down by<br>Snake Creek, but when yours truly went<br>down to investigate, there was no trace<br>of it.<br><br>Maybe Father Christmas had a sleigh boo<br>boo on one of his practice runs. Keep<br>eyes out, kids. Hoofprints on your head<br>aren't the sort of gift you want this<br>weekend.<br><br>Really, you don't. Take it from a<br>little old lady who got stomped on by a<br>cow.
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==December 28 2017==
| + | |
| | <br> | | <br> |
| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we had our-<br>selves a break-in at a local grocery<br>store, folks. Right here in town, too.<br>What do people think this is? More to<br>the point, what on earth were they out<br>to steal? <br><br>Do they think we have any money?<br><br>I hear tell the authorities found a guy<br>trapped under a row of fallen shelves,<br>with two others trying to get him free.<br><br>Speaking of free, if you've got any<br>books for children, stop on in at Kip's<br>love nest, Homepage. He's collecting a<br>donation for the schools in the area, as<br>I well know. I gave him a lovely copy of<br>See Spot Run. <br><br>Run, Kip. Just run. You don't want to<br>be surrounded by the hordes of adoring<br>fangirls who will try to get into your<br>life once they find out you're dating a<br>professional Slutcracker. <br><br>That's right. You heard me. Mina, who<br>could be anything in the world, chose<br>to dance in the Slutcracker, and hooey,<br>she looks darned good in black. You're<br>one fine dominatrix, girl. Look online,<br>folks, and you'll see plenty of pics of<br>her as 'The Russian'...and of Mina with<br>Kip, arms full of flowers...<br><br>Where are the pics of their tattoos, I<br>wonder? Sources say they were spotted<br>outside of a tattoo parlor in Boston.<br>Together.<br><br>Tell me. Do we have more matrimony in<br>our future, or is this a desperate<br>attempt to drum up business for a<br>failing bookstore? Kip, darling, rabid<br>readers want to know. How DO you do it?<br><br>With leather, it seems. Why, Trudy was<br>walking into Homepage just the other<br>day when she overheard this hunk of a<br>prince talking to some girl with too<br>much hair dye about not being her<br>lovely toy...<br><br>First the lingerie parlor, then the<br>ball gag and the multi-purpose<br>bullwhip, and now a girlfriend in the<br>Slutcracker with BDSM on your counter?<br><br>Kip, Kip, Kip.<br><br>Welcome home, kid. Never leave. You<br>make my job too easy.<br> | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, I wish you a<br>bleary welcome to the year 2020. Finally,<br>a number easy to make silly glasses for!<br><br>If you slept through the fireworks on the<br>lake on NYE, you are a hardier soul than<br>I, and I commend you. Even this far from<br>the cliffs, they were dang loud, but also<br>worth every wince. If you've never gone<br>up to the top of Salvation and looked<br>down on it all, you're missing out. I'm<br>no poet, but it was a garden of light,<br>and kudos to the city of Fort Brunsett<br>and the tireless efforts of the fireworks<br>companies who made it possible.<br><br>Are you the type to write out resolutions<br>for the coming year? I try, heaven knows<br>I try, but the bon bons tempt me back.<br><br>If you want your name in the paper, send<br>in YOUR resolution, and I'll put it in<br>the column for next week. Let's see what<br>our town wants to change!<br><br>I know for sure I want to change the bear<br>family in the woods up on Mischance. If<br>they want to set up housekeeping some-<br>where, there are much better places than<br>the mine to do it. Kids, I have it on<br>good authority that the local officials<br>are taking this very seriously, so please<br>be smart about stupid dares. Animals<br>like these should be hibernating at this<br>time of year, and if something has them<br>out and about, a trained professional<br>should be the one to find them. |
| | | | |
| − | ==January 4 2018== | + | ==January 9, 2020== |
| | <br> | | <br> |
| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is mak-<br>ing up for lost time, isn't he? I heard<br>a little birdy say that one of the two<br>female employees at Homepage marched on<br>into the store to start her shift,<br>hustled all the post-lunch shoppers out,<br>and flipped the sign to 'Closed' for a<br>'private' 'conversation' with Kip.<br><br>Now, lest your thoughts travel down the<br>same paths mine did, let me assure you<br>that it does, indeed, get better than<br>that.<br><br>Cerise, for it was she who accosted our<br>darling Kip, is said to have spent quite<br>a while having a rather 'intense' dis-<br>cussion with the store owner. Is it a<br>coincidence that witnesses say he was<br>spotted putting his shirt back on after<br>the Incident? <br><br>Now, Sally-Mae says he even tried to hug<br>her afterward.<br><br>Mina, dear, we all thought you and Kip<br>were so happy. Is there trouble in<br>Slutcracker paradise?<br><br>Did he use the whip in the wrong place?<br><br>At least the skiers are happy. We've got<br>a good 48" of powder on those slopes, <br>and more snow to come. Careful not to <br>introduce your noggin to cow fences,<br>folks. Wind's been blowing hard, and<br>they're as white as anything. Cross-<br>country's not as safe as it could be...<br><br>Last but not least, we've got some<br>mysterious geese on the loose. Anyone<br>lose a goose?<br><br>Or seven?<br><br>I'm told the flock has been chasing kids<br>off of sidewalks into snowbanks, and<br>stealing mittens, though what use a<br>goose has for a mitten is beyond me. | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a big<br>column for you, so let's get right to it.<br>Last week, I asked for your resolutions,<br>and boy howdy did you send them in!<br><br> * Mrs. Elsa Vayn has resolved to eat at<br> least one piece of fruit a day.<br> * David Carmichael has resolved to go on<br> at least one vacation every quarter,<br> much to the delight of his less work-<br> a-holic partner, Bobby.<br> * Joe Quinn has resolved to lose 50 lbs.<br> * Jane Quinn has resolved to kick Joe's<br> patoot into gear any time he reaches<br> for doughnuts instead of celery...<br> * Alexander Dolst has resolved to finish<br> the novel he has been working on since<br> seventh grade.<br> * Rebecca Fry has resolved to not murder<br> her niece, or brother, for spilling<br> neon pink dye into a vat of milk and<br> costing the family thousands of bucks<br> for wasted product, time, and inedible<br> ice cream. I have it on good auth-<br> ority that said niece and brother are<br> banned from the barn for the foresee-<br> able future to facilitate their con-<br> tinued survival.<br> * Elizabeth Fry has resolved to avoid<br> her aunt.<br> * Jonathan Fry has resolved to buy stock<br> in Tension Tamer tea.<br> * Delika Soluos has resolved to learn<br> calligraphy, so she can start her own<br> greeting card business.<br> * Mr. A. Nony Mouse has resolved to get<br> a name.<br><br>On the subject of resolutions folks asked<br>not to be named for, we have twelve other<br>people wanting to lose weight, eleven who<br>want to travel more, five who want to get<br>wealthy lovers and live out a life of<br>luxury, four who want to learn the fine<br>art of cooking better for one, two who<br>want to do more for the environment, and<br>one who wants to bone my editor. <br><br>My editor says thank you, and he will<br>consider your offer, anonymous lover. |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| − | ==January 11 2018== | + | ==January 16, 2020== |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
| + | |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we had yet<br>another day of Homepage Books showing a<br>great big CLOSED sign to the world.<br><br>Kip, darling, I know the attention is a<br>lot. We only want to love you. Or we<br>want to delight ourselves with a honking<br>big dose of schadenfreude and be glad we<br>aren't the ones with multiple girlfriend<br>collisions in the hallway.<br><br>How DO you manage those, anyway? Doesn't<br>seem to be working out for you too well.<br><br>Speaking of not working out well, what<br>else doesn't work? Ice skating on snow.<br>Katie, let us know when that broken<br>ankle heals. I'll get the editor to <br>take you out for an ice cream and tell<br>you all about his own.<br><br>The slopes of Mount Salvation have been<br>pretty busy lately, and not for their<br>value as a place to play on snow. Folks<br>say, and I can attest myself, that there<br>have been odd prints and circles, and<br>sometimes lights at night, dancing.<br><br>Have we got ourselves a new coven of<br>witches, or is snow circling the latest<br>version of crop circling? Maybe the<br>aliens have gone native Vermonter. If <br>so, I've got some Cabot cheese and Ben<br>& Jerry's with their names on it. <br><br>Assuming, that is, that they have names.<br><br>Gossip columnist starts interstellar war<br>by making erroneous assumptions. See the<br>full report at seven!<br><br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==January 18 2018==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
| + | |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell<br>that Daniel Dross lost his marbles over<br>at The Seventh House. Word is, he asked<br>some poor crippled young woman over for<br>breakfast, gentlemanly-like, only to<br>take a drawing she did, storm around the<br>cafe, shred the thing and throw it in <br>the fire. <br><br>Now, shame on him, but what I want to<br>know is this: what was on that drawing?<br>Linda, if it was anything like yours, I<br>retract that statement. No one should<br>have to see that.<br><br>Sources say he dragged her right out of<br>the shop, didn't even let her finish<br>her tea, or her bread and honey. Tsk.<br><br>You know, she bore a striking <br>resemblance to a certain family of <br>Millers 'round about these parts...<br><br>Continuing this week's theme of ladies<br>with bad luck, my sources tell me one of<br>the restaurants down in the Singers'<br>Circle is being investigated, just in<br>case, for food and safety concerns after<br>a blind date gone wrong. Witnesses say<br>the guy was looking bored, when the girl<br>suddenly went insane, claiming she could<br>see bugs in her food, all over her skin,<br>and skedaddled. <br><br>Kids, this is why you don't do drugs<br>before you date.<br><br>Third in our trifecta of female disaster<br>flicks, I hear our instagram princess<br>Franky Garreau may be on the outs with<br>Kip's latest love interest. Cerise,<br>Cerise, are you moving in on Franky's<br>man? Really, C. B. Alexander shouldn't<br>be your kind of 'hot' -- not unless you<br>like napalm.<br><br>Men, watch out. Next week it could be<br>you.<br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==January 25 2018==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
| + | |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a<br>bologna on the loose. <br><br>Yes, you read that correctly: a bologna.<br>Three folks have come up to me to ask if<br>I've heard about it, and one of them was<br>pretty certain the stink was coming from<br>the town hall...<br><br>But enough about that.<br><br>Let's hear some juicy news. Amanda Bale<br>and Erzsebet Angle have been steaming up<br>the dance floor down at the high school,<br>and hoo boy, those girls can tango. Who<br>says you need a man, right ladies? Come<br>chat some time. I know some folks who<br>run the local competitions. <br><br>Also, in spite of injuries to the<br>contrary, I spied with my little black <br>eye a certain Mayor hobbling around on <br>the mill pond. What's the problem, <br>Jack? Even I can skate better than that.<br>You getting too old for fun?<br><br>On that note, I dare anyone and everyone<br>to send in pictures of the stupidest<br>things they can think of doing while ice<br>skating. I'll Shanghai the editor into<br>giving me more space so I can post the<br>best of them next week!<br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==February 1 2018==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
| + | |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a<br>vigilante in our midst. I can't honestly<br>say I wouldn't feel excited if I got my<br>own superhero nickname, so kudos to you,<br>Blackout, whoever you are.<br><br>Just don't go all One Punch Man on my<br>nephew Jadis. He likes to dress like a<br>punk, but he's got the soul of a cherry-<br>pink marshmallow.<br><br>Yes, dear. I love you too. Suffer.<br><br>Speaking of suffering, I heard tell that<br>our very own Kip was spotted on one of<br>the bridges down in Fort Brunsett, stark<br>naked and covered in stripper glitter.<br><br>Kip, I can't say I blame you. If I ever<br>caught a case of glitteritis as bad as<br>that one, I'd be tempted to jump off a<br>bridge's railing, too.<br><br>The Tam seems to be getting more popular<br>lately, or maybe folks are just stir<br>crazy after all that snow. Or crazy, in<br>general. Franklyn, I've gotta say, I'm<br>disappointed. You're a good girl, but<br>if you keep this up, you're going to end<br>up in the loony bin or six feet under.<br><br>Walking around the city in your PJs is<br>one thing. Even Adam Wilkinson has done<br>that one, hasn't he, Adam? <br><br>Whatever guy you're crying about, come<br>sniffle on the West bank, girl. You <br>should know better. Also, get a jacket!<br><br>Last but not least, it sounds like we've<br>got ourselves a new brawler in town. Old<br>Janni Kristoffsen said some girl named<br>Merle got into one rip-roaring fight at<br>the bar over a pack of cigarettes she<br>may or may not have acquired with his<br>permission.<br><br>What I wonder is this: if we put Mystery<br>Merle in a pit with C.B. Alexander, who<br>would be the last one standing?<br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==February 8 2018==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a<br>whole lot of pink, and enough roses to<br>sink a boat. Or a float.<br><br>Kids, go gentle on the Valentine's float<br>in the parade this year. While I can't,<br>as a reasonable adult, condone sticking<br>fireworks under its chassis, the symbol-<br>ism of love going up in flames and then<br>setting the church on fire was a little<br>too close to the mark for a few ladies<br>last year, which did drive up subscrip-<br>tions to the paper and my column...<br><br>Maybe stick to uncomfortable red oozing.<br>No? Okay, how about wearing sheets and<br>putting on a Christmas Story parody with<br>the ghost of loves past? I know Harriet<br>isn't used to sneaking around under a<br>sheet in daylight, but I'm sure she<br>could make an exception to teach you a<br>few tricks.<br><br>In other news, Fort Brunsett has had yet<br>another series of violent crimes. Can't<br>say as I blame them. I get violent when<br>my car door freezes shut after an entire<br>day of freezing rain, myself.<br><br>I do not, however, then explode my car.<br><br>Yours truly hasn't gotten all of the<br>details on this one, but my sources did<br>say the driver was a criminal, and that<br>he was yelling about hung men and <br>midgets and rods that could shoot six<br>blocks. Somehow, as excellent as that<br>image is, I don't think that is quite<br>what happened.<br><br>Last but not least, the Last Chance<br>diner down in the junkyard had its own<br>dust-up. I'm told a gang of feisty<br>ne'er-do-wells got a face full of bacon<br>after interrupting Johnny Drexel at his<br>breakfast with a pretty girl. Gentleman<br>that he was, I'm told he even played <br>white knight to her when the rest of the<br>gang tried to beat them up when they <br>left the diner, aided by the Samaritan<br>Scooby Gang.<br><br>Thugs and assorted criminals, if you're<br>going to pick on a guy, pick on Drexel.<br>I want to see how many times I can tell<br>the same story before my editor<br>strangles me for it.
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| − | ==February 15 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the parade<br>went off without a hitch. Or, rather,<br>without a torch. There was a lot of red<br>and pink confetti, and Mrs. Herringworth<br>may or may not have lost her dentures on<br>a lollipop, but the vampire fangs may or<br>may not have made it all worth it. <br><br>Seriously. Fangs.<br><br>Linda, you win at life. Then again, you<br>have had about twice as many years to<br>get better at it...<br><br>I hear tell a certain pair of teenagers<br>was trying to get better at something I<br>can't put in print, too. Kids, maybe<br>next time you should turn the car lights<br>off before you start making it bounce<br>around.<br><br>You know what else was bouncing? <br><br>Men. Three of them, and they were the<br>only ones to volunteer down at The Plank<br>on Amateur Night. That big boxer King<br>was down there, too, though I'm told he<br>wouldn't dance. Scoping out the compe-<br>tition, perhaps? His new establishment<br>does seem to lack a certain grit. That<br>could just be memories of my shoes get-<br>ting stuck to the floor by old glitter<br>and grog, however...<br><br>My sources also claim our favorite cop<br>crisper C.B. Alexander was there with<br>none other than Franklyn Garreau, and a<br>cutey no one could quite get the name<br>of, too. On Valentine's Day? I smell<br>a threesome in the air! Tell us, Mr.<br>Alexander, how do your cockles grow?<br>Pretty maids all in a row?
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| − | ==February 22 2018==
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| − | Enid was kidnapped!!
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| − | ==March 1 2018==
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| − | Enid is still missing!! Oh wait, she got away!
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| − | ==March 8 2018==
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| − | Enid is home! Yay! She is recovering, though, and couldn't collect enough gossip before her deadline.
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| − | ==March 15 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a<br>lot of gossip to catch up on! Here we go<br>now...<br><br>In older news, I owe Emmett Anderson a<br>great big thank you for egging my house<br>and getting punished for it. Thanks to<br>his mom, too, for punishing him! <br><br>Anyone else feel like weeding my flower<br>garden? I can sit inside and pretend to<br>get kidnapped again. Maybe a tropical<br>island this time; that would be an<br>improvement.<br><br>I'm told I missed the bombing of that<br>poor old bowling alley down in Fort<br>Brunsett, too. Can't say as I blame the<br>bombers, though. That place sold food I<br>never once didn't regret eating. Quick,<br>set up a petition -- better food for<br>better bowlers!<br><br>As much as we would all love to hear<br>that THE Mr. Alexander was responsible,<br>I'm afraid police have already confirmed<br>he wasn't on the premises. I did hear a<br>juicy tidbit about a drunken visit to<br>the hospital room of one Cerise Hodgson,<br>however, with a delectably pathetic<br>bouquet and a ward-load of yelling. Do<br>we have a new romance on the offing? One<br>that involves hospital security right<br>from the start can't possibly go wrong.<br><br>Speaking of bouquets...<br><br>Our favorite Kip has been seen buying<br>more than one handful of flowers lately,<br>and rumor has it, none of them have been<br>for Mina Grey!<br><br>Has the slutcracker ballerina lost her<br>leghold on his heart?<br><br>Is it true that they have ALL been for<br>one of his employees? Kip, do let us<br>know, there's a dear. Mandy needs the<br>laugh. A little birdy tells me she tried<br>climbing in HER employee's back window,<br>fell, and had to be rescued from the<br>town's worst window-wedgie in decades...<br><br>
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| − | ==March 22 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, little John<br>Horner learned the hard way that, when<br>mama says to stop, you stop.<br><br>Don't worry. The ice broke his fall. And<br>his elbow. Condolences and Gibb slaps<br>may be directed to Mulberry Lane.<br><br>Speaking of self-injury, I just happened<br>to overhear a few police officers the<br>other day talking about Electric City<br>blowing up with some freak power surge.<br>My source wasn't as open as I would have<br>liked, so it could have been a Jane, Jan<br>or maybe even James. As your gossip<br>specialist, I fail you today. If you<br>know who got themselves maimed, share!<br>Inquiring minds want schadenfreude!<br><br>Now, Mayor Jack hasn't been in the paper<br>enough lately, in my opinion, so let's<br>share a wee tidbit of Spring silliness,<br>shall we? We all know he's a handsome<br>devil, and we all know he's an all too<br>sober one; trust me, the number of times<br>I've tried to get that man to drink...<br><br>Just the other day, Mandy Morrison says<br>she saw the Mayor out behind her house,<br>wearing red boxers with white hearts all<br>over, chasing down what she swore was a<br>little kid all dressed up like an elf.<br>Pretty thorough mask, too. They went<br>around the corner pretty quick, but I<br>now have it on excellent authority that<br>our Mayor has one spectacular ass.<br><br>Kip, however, has been concealing his.<br><br>Don't you know that no matter how many<br>girls you run through, trying to beat <br>the town's speed-dumping records, you<br>will always have our love? I know for<br>a fact that Sally Quinn has a mind to<br>share her muffins with you any time you<br>like. Of course, her boyfriend seemed<br>to disagree with the idea...
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| − | ==March 29 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, the town's<br>favorite Kip Kensington is back in the<br>spotlight, and hoo boy, it's a doozy.<br>Miss Ethel says there she was, buying a<br>nice book for her little nephew over at<br>Homepage Books, when out of nowhere, <br>there he was, asking a female employee<br>if he was hot.<br><br>Just wait. It gets better.<br><br>THEN, he said something about getting a<br>raincoat to go meet another girl. A<br>girl who was not Mina, it must be noted.<br>Who IS this mystery woman on the phone?<br><br>Even better, reliable sources tell me<br>that Kip was overheard having a chat<br>with Copfire Alexander himself. Not just<br>a chat, no, but some rather pointed<br>questions about C.B.'s interest in Mina<br>Grey. Will this love triangle ever end?<br><br>Kip, our rabid readers are dying to know<br>the truth. When you talked with C.B.<br>about rings, was that for you or for one<br>of your harem? I'm told Cerise's name<br>came up, which could explain why you<br>were asking her if you were hot...<br><br>On the subject of lovely ladies, I have<br>it on good authority that local story-<br>teller and hair-dye enthusiast November<br>was seen down at Aspire by the hockey<br>rink with a rather talented young woman.<br>Talented in more than one way, it seems.<br>You go, girl. Turning a time-out box<br>into a kissing booth has the Enid stamp<br>of approval!<br><br>What doesn't have my approval?<br><br>Letting dogs take a dump on public land<br>and not cleaning it up. If anyone sees<br>the owner of a dog with a particularly<br>large rectum down by the Miller gardens,<br>do let me know, so I can thank them<br>for their contribution to the public<br>health and safety codes.
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| − | ==April 5, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told I<br>started rumors all on my lonesome, which<br>is an entertainment, I assure you. Yes,<br>I did indeed have clumps of extremely<br>handsome young gentlemen coming by my<br>office to give me gifts. Ladies, too.<br><br>Thank you, one and all, for your kind<br>words and wishes. Mr. Alexander, thank<br>you, too, for the effort you put into<br>telling the world I'm an abomination.<br><br>I respect your opinions. Mine differ.<br><br>Speaking of different, if you haven't<br>gone by the farm by the Fry fields, I<br>recommend a trip out west of town. The<br>Rackhams chalked each and every one of<br>their sheep in Easter egg stripes and<br>spots. I have been assured that all of<br>the chalk sprays used are biodegradable<br>and not harmful to the animals.<br><br>Belated Easter themes are the way to go,<br>it seems. I hear tell the mighty magic-<br>ians Haruki and Itsuki ran an Easter<br>event for kids with themed magic tricks,<br>an egg hunt and real rabbits. As a<br>gardener, I've gotta say, petting a<br>bunny isn't my current desire...<br><br>I know someone who does desire petting,<br>however. Tommy, next time you steal<br>your papa's liquor, leave the cell phone<br>at home. Drunk texting me, of all<br>people, is just asking for trouble. You<br>also owe me $5 for the bet you made that<br>I wouldn't print it.
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| − | ==April 12, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, a long-term<br>reader is determined to flood me with<br>rabbits.<br><br>Haruki, kid, you're a magician. Use your<br>magic to keep the gosh darned bunnies<br>out of my tulips, and I won't need to be<br>upset with them. They have a clover<br>patch and plenty of greens out in the<br>woods.<br><br>The deer have returned, too, as Delilah<br>learned the other night on Main Street.<br>Del, you let us know if the kids need a<br>ride anywhere. Let me know when you're<br>finally going to up that prescription on<br>your glasses, too, because your radiator<br>has the holes to prove that buck wasn't<br>a bush...<br><br>Speaking of friends in need, I hear tell<br>our favorite Kip managed to find some<br>booze down in Fort Brunsett this past<br>week. Who knew Cat-22 had a bar upstairs<br>and, more to the point, who knew Kip<br>actually drank in public? <br><br>Maybe he shouldn't have.<br><br>I'm told his 'not-nerdy girl' without<br>glasses and his lovely Mina had to drag<br>him, mumbling, down the stairs.<br><br>I'm also told he was talking to an<br>imaginary friend named Andrew over at<br>Homepage. Everything okay with you,<br>Kip? We adore you, and I can guarantee<br>Missy Miller would share some of her<br>famous peach pie if you were poorly. She<br>told me just the other day how much she<br>loves reading about you in the paper,<br>didn't she, Missy?<br><br>The fanfic shipping of you and C.B. is<br>still the best. Bernadette Peters has<br>sent in three comics of you two, and<br>I'm told I am supposed to tell her mama<br>that she expects to be called B.P. now<br>in C.B.'s image, and plans on setting<br>fire to any broccoli which finds its way<br>onto her plate at night.<br><br>B.P., you are an inspiration to us all.
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| − | ==April 19, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I remain a<br>victim of rabbit flooding. Kid, I live<br>surrounded by fields, and trees. If they<br>aren't getting enough grass, that's not<br>my fault.<br><br>What IS my fault is the delectable snack<br>tray at the newspaper headquarters this<br>week. I shamelessly self-advertise my<br>cooking, and invite everyone to mail in<br>any and all advice to make it better.<br>Mayor Jack, I already have yours. No, I<br>will not stop baking.<br><br>While I won't stop baking, you all won't<br>stop loving, for which I'm thankful. <br>Please, keep loving each other, and keep<br>having disasters like that incident down<br>at the mall last week. Bandies, if you<br>read this, correct me. A group called<br>'Red Lost Dead Lost' was performing in<br>the food court, and ended up finishing<br>with a Springer-worthy love triangle, a<br>failed proposal and an outing, all at<br>once. Come to think of it, our local<br>magician was there, too...<br><br>Haruki, are you getting into the match-<br>making business?<br><br>Speaking of matches, I haven't heard any<br>news about our darling Kip, ladies, so<br>don't you worry. If he falls over and<br>dies, I'm sure we'll all hear about it.<br>The cops are asking folks to stop lining<br>up outside Homepage, however, and I am<br>going to say this only once: I am not<br>giving anyone either Kip's or Mr. C.B.<br>Alexander's personal addresses, phone<br>numbers or any other information. Please<br>stop asking!<br><br>Let's start thinking about frozen bread,<br>instead. Who do you think the winner's<br>going to be? Give me your ideas! What<br>themes do you think the Spring Fling is<br>going to end up stuck with? Can't be<br>worse than that Spongebob Squarepants<br>debacle three years back...
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| − | ==April 30, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, a certain<br>newspaper owner has learned a valuable<br>lesson: don't tick off the high schooler<br>who was hired to bring half-decent<br>coffee.<br><br>The high schooler has learned, in turn,<br>that watching where she stomps may be<br>a good idea when carrying an armful of<br>paper cups full of steaming hot java.<br><br>The electrician who was updating our<br>circuit breaker has, in turn, learned<br>just how long it takes to clean out the<br>electrical conduits and fix shorted<br>wires...<br><br>Long story short, sorry for the late<br>publication, folks.<br><br>Also, sorry, Hank. How was I supposed<br>to know the dye on the bandage would<br>bleed? Better you than me, though. I<br>don't look great in pink hearts.<br><br>Following up on our apparent rabbit<br>theme, lately, I'm told Haruki was seen<br>running about down in Fort Brunsett's<br>riverside park on spring stilts, dressed<br>up as a rabbit and making origami, you<br>guessed it, more rabbits, for children.<br><br>Kid, try a cat or something. Be a super<br>hero. No way is DC Comics going to make<br>a movie for Rabbitman.<br><br>Speaking of heroes, I hear Jack Fry has<br>made a name for himself as an otter<br>whisperer. I've been sent at least four<br>YouTube links to videos and commentary<br>on the incident, and on his heckler.<br><br>Your park rangers in action, folks.<br>Kudos, Jack. <br><br>P.S. The otter's cuter.
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| − | ==May 3, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>bit of fun about local contractor and<br>amateur fisher Leon Huskey. See, he went<br>on down to the fishing spot by South-<br>bridge, and as I hear it, HE says he<br>tripped over some sort of pothole in the<br>dirt. Caught himself a good crack on<br>the jaw for it, too, but no one else has<br>seen so much as a whisker of a pothole<br>there. Leon, if it makes me kiss dirt<br>as well as you did, I don't even want to<br>know what you were drinking.<br><br>Speaking of the river, May first has<br>come and gone, and that means those zany<br>Lefevres were prancing around doing as<br>pagans do to celebrate Beltane. I hear<br>tell our old Hollywood Hopeful, Cam, was<br>seen giving his sister's roomie cow-eyes<br>while singing a love song on his guitar.<br><br>Is romance in the air? Time will tell!<br><br>If Cerise's bruises are C.B.'s form of<br>romance, however, I don't want them.<br>Now, I, for one, don't think the guy<br>did it, but I've heard plenty of voices<br>wondering whether Cerise could really<br>get THAT many bruises just from slipping<br>on a couple of rocks under a stream.<br><br>Cerise, do tell. Were you doing a tango<br>out there somewhere? I hear Kip's pretty<br>terrible at dancing, so I wouldn't put<br>it past the guy to end up giving you an<br>elbow to the eye...
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| − | ==May 10, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have only<br>good to say.<br><br>Promise.<br><br>It's the talk of the town that Jack Fry<br>may be even more of a stand-up guy, if<br>you know what I mean. Why, Trudy at the<br>general store was saying just the other<br>day that when he was out shopping, she<br>overheard a twenty-something girl call<br>him her daddy, and wasn't she just the<br>spitting image of the late Mrs. Fry...<br><br>Welcome to town, kid. Go do something<br>inadvisable and fun.<br><br>Speaking of "inadvisable and fun" things<br>to be doing, I hear tell a trucker on<br>his way through may have had a bit too<br>much to drink. Either that, or he's a<br>fibber. Now, I got this from a few<br>different sources, but as best I can<br>piece it together, the man was trans-<br>porting crates of food. When he got<br>out and started unpacking it all, he<br>found two cans had been opened and eaten<br>up, turned into "mice" with some craft<br>paper and glue. <br><br>Just wait. It gets even better.<br><br>See, along with the "mice" left there,<br>some-mouse left copious quantities of<br>glitter, complete with teensy tiny foot<br>prints all over the back of the truck.<br>Another driver, heading to town last<br>Tuesday night, saw two sparkling kids<br>laughing their fool heads off jumping<br>out of a truck at a stop light, but<br>when he went back to check it out, all<br>he found was a splash of glitter on the<br>road.<br><br>Kids, needless to say, it's not a smart<br>idea to hitch-hike and it's not a legal<br>idea to hitch-hike and steal a company's<br>property, even if it tastes fantastic,<br>though canned food tasting fantastic is<br>a speculation I'll save for a column<br>where I'm allowing myself to say things<br>which aren't good.<br><br>Last but not least, what's this about<br>Miss Mina wearing a particular ring on<br>her finger? Do tell! That's the kind<br>glitter we all WANT to see.<br>
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| − | ==May 17, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a<br>LOT to get through. You folks are great!<br><br>First, I heard a little birdy down at<br>the Seventh House Cafe saying that the<br>owner, Avalon, is planning on hosting<br>some sort of fair in the near future.<br>As long as the White Witch of the North<br>here has some good black tea, I'm in.<br><br>Now, I'm doubtful on this one, but I'm<br>morally obligated to defend your goats<br>and virgins: watch out for so-called<br>Satanists on July 27th. I hear they're<br>setting up for some big event down by<br>the river.<br><br>Events are the way to go, it seems,<br>because the gold-flinging Logan Brenner<br>is up to it again. I haven't been able<br>to get details, so you'll have to stay<br>tuned for those, but it sounds like he's<br>planning a big lakeside barbecue down in<br>Fort Brunsett for charity. Anyone<br>feeling hungry?<br><br>If you're feeling hungry for abuse, our<br>favorite curmudgeon Ryan Dunnage seems<br>to have a new favorite topic. Ryan,<br>what's up with Thompson Meadows? If you<br>want romantic advice, I bet that cute<br>Japanese magician can help you win him<br>over... haven't seen Meadows in weeks,<br>so whatever you're doing, I don't think<br>it's working. Come to think of it, I<br>haven't seen Roberto Alvarez around,<br>either. What do you think, folks? He and<br>Meadows gone off to get hitched?<br><br>Seems there's been a rash of Christmas<br>capers around town, too. I've had four<br>people say they got a Christmas card and<br>started having weird stuff happen. Where<br>are the Ghostbusters when you need them?<br><br>For that matter, where's a Boba Fett?<br>Get this. Mr. Oswald Addington, one of<br>the Councilmen down in Fort Brunsett,<br>actually has a bounty out on the ballsy<br>artist who painted a three-headed cat on<br>his town car. $150 for a lead, $300 for<br>the culprit. Anyone got a good speeder?<br><br>Last but not least, does Kip have a new<br>admirer? A certain Megan Sato has been<br>seen in and out of Homepage, and hoo boy<br>has she been loud. If not Kip, I know a<br>certain employee who's not a bad looker<br>at all... Something going on that you<br>want to tell us, Cerise?
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| − | ==May 24, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we get the<br>joy of knowing that Amanda Rachne's food<br>will be gracing someone else's tables. I<br>hope her new husband has a strong<br>stomach! That said, Mandy, we'll all<br>miss your basket-weaving. Send us a note<br>from Colorado, and stop by the office<br>before you go. We'll keep in touch!<br><br>I hear tell some specifically unnamed<br>magicians would like to start up debate<br>about which one of them is cuter than<br>the other. See Haruki and Itsuki for<br>details, though given that I'm told bad<br>things happen to the places they plan <br>to perform, maybe you should wait until<br>after they open up their magical museum.<br><br>While I don't know of any fires being<br>set in anybody's hearts this past week,<br>I'm sure glad the real thing is done and<br>gone. We here at the Times would like to<br>give a great big thank you to all of the<br>volunteers and responders who helped out<br>with taming the wildfires this past week<br>out in the west valley.<br><br>I do know that a certain teenaged some-<br>one came by to leave Mr. Arnold a love<br>note, however...<br><br>Sorry to say, kid but I don't think you<br>really have a chance. He's a one-woman<br>cat, and Missy Potts is his woman.
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| − | ==May 31, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | <br>This week in Tamarack Falls, let's all<br>take a minute to get sappy here, and<br>think about gratitude. I, for one, am<br>very grateful that we have so many good<br>men and women here in town willing to be<br>volunteers out west. The town is a<br>little emptier, a little quieter,<br>without you all, but with luck and good<br>hard work, they'll track down that<br>bomber and give them what they deserve.<br><br>Done being sappy? Good. Now for some<br>gossip.<br><br>Now, anyone with eyes knows that Cerise<br>Hodgson is around our favorite Alexander<br>on a regular basis. Gotta wonder whether<br>he's starting to rub off on her, though.<br>I've heard from multiple sources that<br>she's been spotted wandering around the<br>city in various states of drunkenness<br>lately. Cerise, if it's man troubles,<br>I'm useless, but I do know the name of<br>a good couples therapist...<br><br>Speaking of women with problems, while I<br>commend your dedication to your health,<br>Franklyn, there are safer places for you<br>to walk than down the riverbank at night<br>around here, and you of all people<br>should know better.<br><br>Folks have been busy this week, so stay<br>with me, here, readers. Gossip, speed-<br>run style!<br><br>I'm told there has been a gaggle of gun-<br>shots down by Snake Creek. Whoever's out<br>there, find a shooting range, would you?<br>The noise is getting old for residents.<br><br>Remember Thompson Meadows? Apparently,<br>one of the Utridge bachelors was picked<br>up by a blonde seen going in and out of<br>Meadows' home.<br><br>Mr. Meadows himself seems to have found<br>a pot of luck, however. Word is his new<br>prosthetics are the work of some young<br>savant called Widget. Could be worse. I<br>knew a guy called Dick N. Bhallis once.<br><br>The Frys are having fun with the prep<br>for the Pink Cow Run, meanwhile, though<br>I'm not sure how the Trojan Cow is going<br>to come into the action... I've made my<br>obligatory inappropriate joke for the<br>day, so you can go ahead and imagine a<br>whopper about wooden bovines yourself.<br><br>I'm told the lights went out down by the<br>Riverside markets last Tuesday. Darker<br>than the inside of a cat, not that I<br>have any personal experience with the<br>inside of felines.<br><br>I don't have a lot of experience with<br>fossils, either, but get this: someone<br>found some great big honking bones from<br>pleistocene beluga whales, of all<br>things, and a fully intact mammoth<br>skeleton. Gotta say, my bet's on hoax.<br>Anyone who knows about it, you let us<br>all know; inquiring minds, and all that.<br><br>Speaking of animals, the artist with the<br>three-headed cat has competition. I'm<br>told a number of strange symbols have<br>been cropping up all over town on cars,<br>buildings, even pets. I've known a few<br>perfectly reasonable Satanists in my<br>time, but this is a bit strange, even<br>for them. I don't know if I believe<br>the rumors that they're behind it all.<br><br>Last but not least, Melinda Bates says<br>she's seen a strange man in an orange<br>suit stumbling around town at night, but<br>she couldn't understand what he was<br>saying. Whatever it was, he sure liked<br>yelling it.
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| − | ==June 7, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, it sounds<br>like we have a lost Alexander wandering<br>around town. No one got a name, but if<br>you're reading this, kiddo, check out<br>the Stone & Crown Shipping down in FB. I<br>would advise learning some Spanish, too,<br>while you're at it. Lolo's swearing is<br>something to be admired.<br><br>Franklyn's decisions, however, are less<br>admirable.<br><br>We have people in three camps: camp #1<br>thinks she was down there setting off a<br>few harmless fireworks. Camp #2 says<br>she's been dating C.B. too long and set<br>a few small fires for kicks and giggles<br>and the pure cussed joy of it. Camp #3<br>is my personal favorite: her pet<br>hamster died a noble death, and she was<br>there to give it a Viking funeral upon<br>the water.<br><br>Speaking of water, the Pink Cow Run went<br>off swimmingly -- literally, in some<br>cases.<br><br>I'm told Avalon Lefevre dunked Jimmy Fry<br>into the water tank with one throw, that<br>cutey Maggie Locklear pinking him up<br>right afterward. The ladies pinked up<br>more than Jimmy, too, from all I hear.<br>Albert, you may have some competition<br>for good arms... Maybe you should take a<br>few pitching lessons from them. I don't<br>know about you, but breaking your mama's<br>kitchen window, twice, in one week, is<br>something I'd want to learn how to stop.<br><br>Speaking of Frys, I hear tell that Jack<br>fellow has a mighty fine chest, but <br>don't get your hopes up, ladies; Gladys<br>was out walking those mops she calls<br>dogs bright and early, and spotted him<br>at Dr. Gallagher's cabin. Now, THAT is<br>a form of anthropology I wouldn't mind<br>studying...<br><br>I hear Kip was doing a bit of 'studying'<br>himself recently with that Zillah from<br>the shop next door. Despite claims to<br>the contrary, I've met the guy, and it's<br>my not inconsiderable opinion that he's<br>way too much of a marshmallow to hurt<br>his darling Mina.<br><br>Then again, if they broke up...<br><br>Inquiring minds want to know, Kip. How's<br>your love life? Still in love?
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| − | ==June 14, 2018==
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| − | Enid Schmitt is not having a good year. She was in the hospital this past week after someone tried to kidnap her.
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| − | Elsewhere in the paper, it is explained that the assailants are unknown, but they were wearing dark suits, and police are investigating the incident.
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| − | ==June 21, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, for those<br>of you who missed me last week, I've <br>gotta say, this getting kidnapped thing <br>is seriously getting old.<br><br>Folks, I am a newspaper gossip <br>columnist, not an evil minion out to <br>destroy the world of humankind. If you <br>think I have money worth taking, you <br>should talk to my boss. <br><br>No, the police don't know who it was <br>yet. Yes, they're working on it. Yes, <br>I'm mightily peeved, and don't come in <br>wearing a black suit and shiny black <br>shoes any time soon, or I may mace you.<br>The knock-out gas tie-pin was an <br>unexpected touch, and very James Bond of <br>them. I'd rather get stepped on by a <br>cow again, all things considered.<br><br>Enough with that! On to the fun stuff.<br><br>I hear Ben Utridge is going back to his<br>old playboy ways down there at the Red<br>Clover Hotel. Clandestine engagements<br>with people my source says were hotties,<br>and last week he was even sporting a<br>great big hickey, too. <br><br>I wouldn't mind a hickey from something<br>other than a facemask at the hospital.<br>Any volunteers?
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| − | ==June 28, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we get to<br>explore the wide, wild world of Haruki's<br>underwear choices.<br><br>Somehow, I believe he had help with this<br>particular escapade, but I've had half a<br>dozen reports from ladies all over town<br>that if even a quarter of those garments<br>are actually his, they'd like to have a<br>nice, very private, chat with him about<br>his brand choices. And advice.<br><br>On the subject of a different sort of<br>fireworks, we're coming up on the Fourth<br>of July here, folks, and the parade this<br>weekend is expected to bring in a lot of<br>out-of-towners. Who wouldn't want to<br>dunk a Mayor into a vat of strawberry,<br>clear and blue raspberry Jell-O cubes?<br><br>Sorry, Jack. Count me in. Dolores has<br>had my $5 for two weeks now.<br><br>Anyone of a mind for fireworks can find<br>a nice perch by the cliff to watch Fort<br>Brunsett's display out on the lake. Our<br>own is a little dinky in comparison, but<br>we're a dinky little town. The Miller<br>boys have done us proud this past month,<br>getting all the roads smoothed out, so<br>kudos to them. <br><br>There's just something about a man <br>without a shirt handling heavy machinery<br>to get your engine revving... Louise<br>MacFarlan wouldn't know anything about<br>that, now, would she? Cute skirt, Lou.<br>Maybe next time keep it on a little bit<br>longer. Granny Miller's going to have a<br>heart attack before the wedding at this<br>rate.<br><br>Congratulations, by the way.
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| − | ==July 5, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, it is with<br>great pleasure that I heard a little<br>birdy say Kip's not done with his wild<br>and questionably romantic shenanigans<br>just yet, engagement or no. Someone saw<br>Mina running out of the back room in<br>teensy tiny shorts (great gams, girl)<br>and a tiny tank top which looked slept<br>in. <br><br>Kip, I've got to ask: did she doggy-ear<br>a page in bed? Is that why you kicked<br>her out? Ladies around town are saying<br>you've taken this foxy ladies' man aura<br>to heart, but I know better than to<br>trust that adorkably bumbling facade.<br><br>Your secret admirer, however, really<br>should get a new hobby. Why, Mary Page,<br>poor dear, just bought a book on crochet<br>at Homepage, and now she's cleaning off<br>all forty-seven copies of Kip's name<br>from where it was painted on her house.<br>Laney Boggs, her neighbor, said it was<br>blood, for sure, but I'd like to know<br>how she got close enough to check, when<br>she can't even handle a paper cut with-<br>out fainting. Really, Laney.<br><br>Charles du Bois knows a bit about faints<br>himself, after yesterday's parade. Now,<br>I know it's a teacher's job to educate<br>his students, but a real life lesson on<br>staying hydrated while marching in hot<br>wool uniforms was probably not high on<br>the curriculum's alternate lesson list.<br><br>Speaking of inappropriate clothing, I've<br>had a few reports of a recently-arrived<br>African fellow dancing his way through<br>town in a sundress as loud as his<br>rendition of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"<br>this past week. Prank or lost bet? Meg<br>from the corner store says his legs were<br>something to be admired, however...<br><br>Also to be admired, and possibly feared,<br>I'm told some sort of big cat was heard<br>roaring down along Lake Brunsett this<br>past Monday. I haven't heard whether the<br>cat's been found, but I'd be wary of a<br>nice hike through the woods, myself.<br><br>Someone else has been growling, lately,<br>and it's a matter of some speculation<br>whether Weaver Utridge jumped the broom<br>a mite too quickly. Newly wed to Velvet<br>Danvers, several ladies have mentioned<br>that the man has been a miserable grouch<br>the last few days. Trouble in paradise?<br><br>Those Utridges aren't having a lot of<br>luck lately, it seems, because a bit of<br>digging here and there informed me that<br>none other than Olivia Utridge herself<br>held an impromptu concert at the<br>children's wing of Riverside Hospital<br>last month, and got pranked by a fire in<br>the stairwell.<br><br>I haven't heard any tales of ravenous<br>fanboys tearing perpetrators limb from<br>limb yet over the internet, but I'm sure<br>the fan rage is just waiting in the<br>wings.
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| − | ==July 12, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | Enid is on vacation! I'm darn well not writing her column for her. You people know I'll forget half of it and tangle up the rest. Don't know how that woman keeps it straight. Mind like a gosh darned steel trap bred with Spiderman.
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| − | The Editor
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| − | ==July 19, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I return<br>from a much-deserved vacation to sandy,<br>sunny beaches and am back to bring only<br>the very best gossip to you, my rabid<br>readers.<br><br>Firstly, I've got two little birdies<br>saying miss Franklyn Garreau won the top<br>prize at the kite flying competition,<br>beating out that incredibly enthusiastic<br>youngster. Wedgie's the name I was given<br>and I sincerely doubt that is an<br>accurate report, so miss Wedgie, please<br>do let us know. Also, take a bath.<br>Cleanliness is next to godliness, as my<br>sainted mother used to say.<br><br>I'm told a local got bitten by, and I'm<br>not kidding here, this is what is on the<br>list: a rabid raccoon, a dog, a blue<br>otter, a flying rat, or a lemur of all<br>things. Serves him right, trying to<br>steal from stalls as he was. Also, I've<br>got to find out what those reporters<br>were smoking, because they sound like<br>they're as high as Ms. Garreau has to<br>be, walking into rivers and dark woods<br>at all hours. Again.<br><br>Illegal fireworks are safer, kid. Go<br>back to your kites and leave the river<br>to the river.<br><br>Speaking of issues, we have some rather<br>nasty rumours about Ms. Olivia Utridge<br>floating around, but nothing's been<br>substantiated. Glad to hear she's been<br>found, though. We darn well have enough<br>lost around here for my tastes already.<br><br>I sure wouldn't mind a good rabbit stew,<br>however, and don't you get started on<br>me for liking meat, Haruki. Being a<br>carnivore's no sin. Supposedly, a great<br>big fluffle of rabbits was seen running<br>around like some weird flock of birds<br>down near the lake in Fort Brunsett, but<br>I've gotta say, the alpaca farm takes my<br>personal cake. The eyes. How can you<br>not melt?<br><br>Haven't heard the person's name, but I'm<br>told the 'pacas are all named after some<br>kind of dinosaur.<br><br>Benny and Hal say they've been spotting<br>odd little things carved around town,<br>speaking of weird. I've seen a few my-<br>self, and I don't know.. . The one I saw<br>looked a little like some sort of wing-<br>less dragon. This the latest D&D craze<br>going through nerddom?<br><br>Not so sure about Jimmy Pepper and his<br>pigs, though. Jimmy runs Sweet Hog Farms<br>and let me tell you, his pigs are every-<br>thing he says they are.<br><br>In this case, slaughtered, and not by<br>him... As I'm told it, he woke up in<br>the morning and went out to get the feed<br>going, and found their throats slit and<br>blood drained. Now, this being where we<br>are, I do have a calendar which mentions<br>a blood moon... Still, you'd think the<br>witches would at least leave cash to pay<br>for the lost pigs.<br><br>Last but not least, I've had a source<br>share some photos with me, and Kip, she<br>is a beauty. A little rough around the<br>edges, but darn, boy, for someone so<br>Kippish, you sure do make a lot of lady<br>friends. Who's the mystery red-head,<br>too? Short and stacked, that's for<br>sure. These relatives of your Mina? If<br>so, can you convince them to move here?<br><br>Your admirer's gone to work again, so<br>you'd better work fast. What do you know<br>about a broad named Jessica? The way I'm<br>told it, 'Kip' has been painted several<br>times along the Samsson building in the<br>same bright crimson as before, along<br>with a great honking heart in the middle<br>saying 'Kip x Jessica!!!' in it. If I<br>were you, I'd sic the fiancee on her. I<br>sure wouldn't want to get on Mina's bad<br>side. You know how strong those ballet<br>exercises make those legs?
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| − | ==July 26, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | Enid's colleagues would like to say what a splendid woman she is. They also have no intention of writing her column for her while she is out sick.
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| − | Here. Have a picture of a kitten with a baby bunny.
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| − | The Writers
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| − | ==August 2, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | Enid's colleagues have discovered a secret stash of actual coffee hidden in Enid's technically unlocked and colleague-accessible file cabinet behind the old floppy disks and CDs.
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| − | Thank you, Enid, for your generous contribution to office happiness.
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| − | The Writers
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| − | ==August 9, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | Enid's colleagues would like you all to know that she is back from the hospital and recovering Enidly. The nurses and doctors may never be the same.
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| − | Neither will her colleagues' stomachs. How does she EAT all of that cinnamon?
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| − | The Writers
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| − | ==August 16, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | Enid's colleagues have pooled their resources and replaced the pilfered coffee and bonbons with more appropriate substitutes. They are sure Enid will appreciate their efforts at supporting her habits.
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| − | Everyone has addictions, Enid. Cinnamon is yours. We'll help you manage it. Just give us the chocolate part of the bonbon and you keep the middle.
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| − | The Writers
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| − | ==August 23, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I return<br>again, albeit not from sandy beaches. I<br>don't suggest surgery as an alternative<br>to sunshine and cute boys in tiny suits,<br>folks.<br><br>On the bright side, a liquid diet does<br>wonders for the waistline. Pity bikini<br>season's almost over. <br><br>Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I am immensely dis-<br>appointed that my colleagues couldn't<br>soldier on without me and get you all of<br>your delectable gossip fixes on their<br>lonesome, but that just means I get to<br>have the fun myself.<br><br>Now, this is old news at this point, but<br>I'm told that someone Kool-Aid manned<br>their way into the home of Velvet and<br>Weaver Utridge back at the beginning of<br>the month, and something something about<br>possible acquisition of lake monsters.<br>Is Lake Brunsett trying to compete with<br>Champlain? What'll we call it? Champ<br>has a degree of charm to it, but Brun is<br>a bit too Viking, and Sett sounds like a<br>puppy or a desert god, depending.<br><br>Pity Brun/Sett wasn't around to help the<br>local authorities clean up the mess made<br>by one Miss Franklyn Garreau back then,<br>too. I'm told that someone pulled up <br>another sculpture instead of a fish just<br>this week. Franklyn, girl, get help. I<br>know your family can pay for the litter-<br>ing fines, but that's no reason to go<br>dumping all that crud into the river.<br>Thankfully, not even you can shove a <br>piano out a window by willpower alone.<br><br>In more recent news, I'm told that Tommy<br>Haffleck just got himself into the big<br>leagues. I didn't even know there was a<br>category for the longest paper airplane<br>flight flung by a waterfall off of a<br>cliff of two hundred feet or more over a<br>body of water of 'significant size'...<br><br>Kudos, Tommy. Now that you're a record<br>holder, don't go resting on your laurels<br>and poop out on us, kid. Put this little<br>town back on the map. You should probab-<br>ly graduate high school first, though.<br><br>Last but not least for this week, I have<br>the pleasure of introducing you all to <br>Erica Miller, our latest staff photo-<br>grapher. Recently returned from a phase<br>as a Boston transplant, she is back<br>where she belongs: in the land of weirdo<br>hair colors supposed to be unknown to<br>man or woman. I'll be dye buddies, but<br>don't expect to see me running with her.<br>I maintain a strictly horizontal version<br>of jogging. It's called typing in bed,<br>preferably with a cinnamon bonbon or two<br>nearby.
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| − | ==August 30, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all<br>had time to appreciate the rash of<br>unseasonably warm weather lately. Guess<br>I get to bring out that bikini after<br>all!<br><br>A certain polka-dotted someone by the<br>riverbank should have thought twice<br>about bringing out HER bikini, however.<br>See, little teeny strings don't do all<br>that well when you're jumping off of<br>bridges like a teenager into a river,<br>which, you know, is flowing away.<br>Flowing away with your bikini top AND<br>bottom, that is. Mildred, you may be<br>going on seventy-mumble, but you still<br>have a fine ass, wrinkles and all.<br><br>Speaking of fine asses, mine is doing<br>quite well, thank you, and thank you all<br>for the gift baskets. I've had to share<br>the largesse with the rest of the writer<br>collective and anyone else who wanted <br>chocolate dipped pineapples on staff, <br>for which they thank you all as well,<br>and pray that I fall down a nice long<br>flight of stairs.<br><br>Deity or deities, if you are reading<br>this, please ignore those knuckleheads.<br>I've had enough hospital bills to last<br>a lifetime.<br><br>I would like to thank Haruki, Itsuki and<br>their gang of propaganda-spouting<br>rabbits especially. If you ever want to<br>read material about the plight of the<br>New England cottontail rabbit, I now<br>have stacks of it, along with my gift<br>basket.<br><br>In less amusing news, I'm sad to say<br>that Mrs. Mabel Miller, grandmother and<br>force of nature, has passed away at the<br>ripe old age of a hundred and two. To<br>all the Miller family, my condolences.<br>She was a tough old bird and she will be<br>missed.
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| − | ==September 06, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we can<br>kiss goodbye to Summer, ladies and gents<br>and assorted others. Really, we can. I<br>do appreciate the lengths, and depths,<br>to which certain members of our<br>community are willing to go to cling to<br>its sunny warmth, however...<br><br>Where to begin?<br><br>Sally Hanwood seems a good start. If you<br>haven't been down Mill Road in a while,<br>you really should take a trip toward<br>Salvation East. Sally here says she was<br>stuck in a Beatles rut, and that's why<br>she planted, and yes, she counted it all<br>out individually and by hand, a field of<br>six thousand eight-hundred twenty-seven<br>sunflowers. Here comes the sun? How<br>about 'here comes the avian obesity'? If<br>I were you, I'd get out there fast,<br>before we get a Hitchcock thriller going<br>on.<br><br>Little miss Miller sitting on the tiller<br>is our next Summer fling. Literally.<br><br>Kira, next time you want to ride a horse<br>around a field, we recommend wearing<br>exactly what you did last Tuesday. I<br>haven't seen Daley Biggs laugh so hard<br>since he was my nephew's science teacher<br>and Andrew glued himself to the desk.<br><br>He got himself unglued, but his pants<br>did not.<br><br>Yes, he paid for a new desk.<br><br>Third and finally, my personal favorite,<br>Mrs. Nelson has been whipping up a storm<br>of chocolate lollies at the church, tomb<br>stone shaped, to celebrate the end of<br>Summer with a bit of calorie-laden doom.<br>They're on sale by the graveyard every<br>day this week.
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| − | ==September 13, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we seem to<br>have a mysterious squash-slicer in town.<br>Are zucchinis squashes? Foamy vegetable<br>substitute for a good steak, but they do<br>fake it well. In this case, overnight,<br>we've had a rash of little hanged gourds<br>(maybe zucchinis are gourds?) dangling<br>in doorframes, windows, at bus stops, on<br>bathroom counters and several locations<br>I had never thought a vegetable of such<br>an unusual size could dangle.<br><br>The Mayor's asking the veggie-dangler to<br>keep the witchcraft to a minimum until<br>at least October, but we all know Jack's<br>a stick in the mud.<br><br>Dangle away, oh Zucchini Mangler!<br><br>Speaking of mangling things and mystery<br>appearances, what's up with the fish by<br>the river, folks? I've heard rumors out<br>of four separate reliable sources that<br>they weren't drinking and really did see<br>fish torn up on the banks, bellies open,<br>but otherwise uneaten. I'd keep the kids<br>away from the river, folks, just in case<br>whatever it is hasn't found what it was<br>looking for...<br><br>Last but not least, the White Witch of<br>Tamarack Falls has the newspaper's full<br>support while she recovers from the<br>Library Incident which occurred on<br>Friday afternoon. I've been asked by the<br>library staff to give her a public thank<br>you for all of her help in identifying<br>the killer. I've been asked by the<br>police, however, not to say more than<br>that, so we'll leave it right there.
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| − | ==September 20, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I am glad<br>to say that there have been no further<br>fish shenanigans. Fish belong in rivers<br>or on my dinner plate, breaded and well-<br>cooked.<br><br>Sorry, sushi-lovers. I'll admire your<br>snacks for the art involved, but nothing<br>is going to get me eating a raw fish.<br><br>Speculation over just who's going to win<br>the vote for this year's Apple Queen is<br>everywhere, and hoo boy, the competition<br>is getting tight.<br><br>Mind, the ballots are a secret, so of<br>course everyone knows who's on them. My<br>personal favorite is the pet goldfish<br>named Bob, and the 'Bobby for Apples'<br>campaign on the street corners...<br><br>The lemonade they're selling isn't bad,<br>either. Made fresh, with little fish-<br>shaped ice molds, even. Kids these days<br>get it easy. Back in the dinosaur days<br>when I was a kid, we had ice in actual<br>cubes. <br><br>My editor says it's my turn to give up a<br>few column inches, so I'll see you next<br>week!
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| − | ==September 27, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, while I'm<br>sure you've already heard from the other<br>columns in the paper, you haven't heard<br>it from me: we have our first male Apple<br>Queen this year, and it's none other<br>than our local magician extraordinaire,<br>Haruki. Congrats, kid. I can't wait to<br>see which consort you pull out of a hat.<br><br>Several young ladies and their parents<br>have expressed a wish that a certain<br>butt-naked somebody would have had a hat<br>of his own, this past week, down on the<br>dock by Lake Brunsett. I didn't get a<br>name, but from what I've heard, the guy<br>set his own crotch on fire and got<br>shoved off of the dock. That's version<br>number one.<br><br>Version number two involves tentacles<br>better seen in a hentai than a public<br>boating dock, fireballs better seen in<br>Dungeons & Dragons (and yes, Peter Qi, I<br>do know what that is; I'm not THAT old<br>and decrepit), and an attractive young<br>woman weeping over his manly nudity<br>until the cops showed up to congratulate<br>him on his victory over unnatural and<br>monstrous beasts.<br><br>Version number three involves saving a<br>little girl from a random attack by some<br>variation on an octopus, a sting ray or<br>a seal, depending on which source I was<br>talking to, but the single unifying<br>event in all of the stories was this guy<br>getting his pants burned off and almost<br>drowning in the lake.<br><br>Tourists may wimp out and leave the lake<br>early this year, but we've seen weirder,<br>haven't we? Not to make light of the<br>little girl's injuries, which are<br>supposedly extensive but minor and<br>expected to heal with minimal scarring,<br>but if I were you, I wouldn't worry too<br>much about seeing more of those critters<br>around. I'm sure the experts from the<br>east bank will be taking care of it.
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| − | ==October 04, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I've got a <br>hankering for pumpkin pies, but everyone<br>is crazed about apples, and for good<br>reason. The recipes those contestants<br>were serving were mmmm mmm good, down to<br>the last bite.<br><br>I have no shame. I took a lot of bites.<br><br>I didn't get to take a bite out of that<br>handsome hunk of a Miller, however, who<br>was working at the emergency station. I<br>did get to see Susan Farrendahl flirting<br>up a storm with the man, which was a<br>real treat, let me tell you. If I were a<br>guy she had her sights on, hoo-ey, I'd<br>be drowning in that bounteous everything<br>in no time. Fly, meet web.<br><br>Pity Mr. Miller is another spider.<br><br>Speaking of eight-legged friends, I hear<br>tell the local elementary kids are fix-<br>ing to decorate the schoolhouse and the<br>outside of the church this year, and a<br>certain spidery stuffed somebody will be<br>making a reappearance. <br><br>Just keep Fido away from him, Mikey. He<br>can only have de-paraplegia surgery so<br>many times before he gets a leg-popping-<br>off complex.<br><br>I've heard there's a girl around town,<br>no names given as yet, who claims Haruki<br>is a poser, and not a real Apple Queen.<br>Sounds like someone wants a bake-off, to<br>me.<br><br>Win-win scenario for us, isn't it?<br><br>This time of year reminds me, too, that<br>times are a-changing, and we'd best keep<br>up. It's the dying of the year, folks,<br>and you know the hunts are coming soon.<br><br>Play it safe. I know I will.
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| − | ==October 11, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope we<br>have all learned our lesson as regards<br>opening doors to strangers. Also, who<br>knew BangBang had such an entertaining<br>means of discouraging robbers? Really,<br>even more than that, who would try to<br>rob a hair salon? Further, who would<br>try to rob a hair salon named 'Crops and<br>Bobbers' right down the street from the<br>local police deputy?<br><br>Don't worry, folks. Like Ashley said in<br>the news report, everyone's fine, and<br>the perp's skin will be stained an array<br>of interesting colors for at least a<br>week or two.<br><br>On a lighter note, I'd like to offer my<br>personal, and public, congratulations to<br>Mr. and Mrs. Hoffmann for sticking with<br>each other up until this, their 75th<br>wedding anniversary. Also, when I'm a<br>hundred and two, I sure hope I have the<br>guts to take a hot air balloon ride over<br>the waterfall for MY anniversaries.<br><br>Speaking of the waterfall, I've heard a<br>few reports of someone throwing bird<br>feathers into the river. There's no<br>sign of actual birds being harmed, but<br>if anyone knows the culprit behind it,<br>the wardens would like to have a word<br>with them about clogging the safety<br>nets under the bridges...<br><br>We're getting closer to Halloween, and<br>I don't know about you, but I'd keep my<br>doors locked, Kip, if I had an admirer<br>as dedicated as you do. Seems someone<br>left cupcakes for our local bookstore<br>sweetheart, but the address was two<br>numbers off. If anyone else sees a<br>suspicious package, 'Mindy x Kip' was<br>on this one, and police are looking<br>into the identity of the thumb which<br>was attached along with the 'Yours,<br>always' letter on the box.
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| − | ==October 18, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all<br>had a chance to say goodbye to Autumn<br>and hello to old Jack Frost. How about<br>that snow, folks? Nothing's sticking,<br>but if you haven't gotten those Spring<br>tulips in the ground yet, you'd best get<br>crackin'. The hard freezes are coming<br>soon.<br><br>The town's been drowning in apples for<br>weeks, but the pumpkin fields are mighty<br>strong competition, and I've got to say,<br>my house has never looked more orange. I<br>don't know if it's a lucky little faerie<br>in the fields or a portent that we're<br>all going to get snowed in and end up<br>with scurvy, but I'll take it.<br><br>Speaking of taking pumpkins...<br><br>I've been sponsored by Melissa Elliot of<br>the, I quote, "Tamarack Elliots," by<br>means of three pumpkin pies with extra<br>cinnamon (for which the entire office<br>thanks you), to tell you all that if you<br>see a dark-haired man with insect eyes<br>looking out at you from the reflections<br>on the insides of your windows, you<br>should let her know, so she doesn't have<br>to feel like she is going crazy.<br><br>Liss, if you're going crazy, can you get<br>a copy of that pie recipe over to Ashley<br>in the news room? It would be a crying<br>shame for the world to lose that pie,<br>and I, for one, am going to have night-<br>mares about staring eyes for days.<br><br>If you haven't checked it out yet, John,<br>you and your Desrochers friends ought to<br>sign up for that race this weekend. The<br>Spook-A-Thon seems right up your alley.<br>I'm sure there will be giant spiders for<br>you to squeal at, just like Linda May<br>swears you do any time you see one, but<br>what do I know about revenge? I told you<br>I wouldn't forget.<br><br>I'm told some out-of-towners have gone<br>and challenged everybody to a paintball<br>match as well. They seem mighty confi-<br>dent about their chances of winning.
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| − | ==October 25, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got<br>a lot to say, so let's get saying it. I<br>have some eye-witness reporting for you,<br>seen by these very own peepers, thanks<br>to Mayor Jack and his hideous love of<br>healthy, environmentally conscious and<br>early-morning activities. Hiking up a<br>mountain when there's barely daylight<br>just to clean up trash left by the kids<br>too foolish to tidy up the evidence of<br>their own parties (looking at you, John<br>and Annette, and George, too) is not my<br>idea of a peaceful interview.<br><br>Now, on to the eye-witness business. We<br>saw a bunch of trees just torn down in<br>the woods, a lot more than a few kids<br>could manage on foot. Didn't look like<br>bear sign, and there wasn't anything<br>that looked like power tools nearby, so<br>be careful out there if you're going on<br>a hike alone.<br><br>Next, it's not even November yet, but we<br>already have some Christmas card capers,<br>and some itchy, sneezy ones at that. The<br>folks who've gotten these cards say they<br>felt like allergies, but creepy, too,<br>like they weren't the only person in the<br>driver's seat of their own bodies. Now,<br>I don't know about you, but when people<br>tell ME to get into the holiday spirit,<br>I don't go out and try to get possessed.<br><br>A Cade Sextus, I'm told, has had zero<br>takers on his offers to dye or paint<br>whatever metal he's brought. You'd think<br>a town like this would like some oddball<br>art. Just think, we could all sport hub<br>caps as darling as Amanda Binks' Chevy.<br><br>Speaking of Binks, I've been watching<br>some good old Halloween movie fun-a-thon<br>runs on TV lately, to get myself into<br>the spooky spirit, and Hocus Pocus must<br>be on somebody's list of favorites, be-<br>cause I could swear it's been on twice<br>as often as anything else. Not that I<br>mind. Can't go wrong with Bette Midler<br>putting a spell on you in fake buck<br>teeth.<br><br>We CAN go wrong with a cornfield maze<br>when there's no corn... Steve's always<br>been a little odd, but this takes the<br>cake even for him. This month. Who can<br>say what he'll do in November? See, he<br>has a maze, but he hasn't grown corn in<br>five years. It's just high weeds. I'm<br>told it's really something, but the kid<br>I talked to, who gave me this scoop on<br>the promise that I wouldn't even hint<br>at their name, clever person that they<br>were, got pretty spooked: either Steve<br>really has a faulty motor somewhere or<br>someone was out there with a chainsaw.
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| − | ==November 01, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, have I got<br>a scoop for you! Tanya Mallory, local<br>aficionado extraordinaire, just gave me<br>a bowl of some of Dare's newest flavors,<br>and hoo boy, you've got to try these. I<br>didn't know my tongue even knew how to<br>taste that many oddball things at once.<br><br>That said, Happy Halloween! A day late<br>is better than never. I'm not sure who<br>it was, but I've been hearing rumors all<br>around town that someone went around and<br>placed a bunch of stone cat carvings all<br>over the place. What'd they do, cross<br>paths with a black one? Propitiation on<br>that scale seems a bit excessive, but<br>who am I to judge?<br><br>I've heard that Nancy's boy was found<br>out in the woods a few days back, after<br>being missing for a week. Just a few<br>scrapes and cuts, but please, folks, be<br>careful about those woods. Especially<br>the ones on the east bank.<br><br>On a much lighter note, it is my joy and<br>privilege to bring you yet another Kip-<br>scapade this week. Rumor has it that<br>our local book-loving, rainbow-haired<br>royalty left Crossroads in a hurry after<br>cozying up to Mr. Kip Kensington,<br>followed moments later by the Kip him-<br>self! Wonder what books THEY were going<br>off to love...<br><br>Don't forget, folks -- we've had our<br>First Snow celebrations, but we're still<br>keeping an eye out for the start of the<br>Frozen Bread Guy on the first deep snow,<br>and the forges at the town blacksmith's<br>workshop are getting a good, thorough<br>cleaning in prep for the work he and<br>his assistants will be doing all through<br>December.
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| − | ==November 08, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, a lot of<br>kids at the hospital have had some magic<br>even past the night of Halloween itself.<br>I'm told our bunny-crazy duo, Haruki and<br>Itsuki, dressed up as a Pharaoh mummy<br>and, get this, an Egyptian god with<br>bunny ears, spent time down at Riverside<br>Hospital and a few other charities and<br>care facilities as volunteer entertain-<br>ment, doing magic tricks and, of course,<br>because why wouldn't they have them,<br>letting folks pet certified therapy<br>rabbits, which I'm told were also in<br>costume.<br><br>I don't know about you, but I sure hope<br>they had a lot of bunny pooper scoopers.<br><br>I've also heard tell that Mr. Haruki<br>there has been a very studious Apple<br>Queen down at Patterson Middle School as<br>well, having a contest for the best<br>apple-based diorama. Golden boy Logan<br>Brenner offered prizes to the winners.<br>No parents allowed.<br><br>Thankfully, it's turkey season here, and<br>mmm mmm mmmmm I'm looking forward to a<br>good, hot roasted bird with all the fix-<br>ings. Ann-Marie still won't give me her<br>gravy recipe, but as a little self-plug,<br>on top of what Amanda's already writing,<br>this is just a reminder that the paper<br>will be donating the proceeds of this<br>week's publication to the local homeless<br>shelter down in Fort Brunsett, so buy a<br>few! Heck, paper your walls with them,<br>or twist yourself up a good newspaper<br>log on the altar of good gossip. You've<br>all got gossip altars in your home, of<br>course. Don't you?<br><br>On a heavier note, I'm sad to say that<br>rumors of Old Man Jones were not in the<br>least exaggerated. He died as he lived:<br>hurtling through space as quickly as he<br>could, just waiting for a hard drop. I,<br>for one, will miss the old cuss. The<br>things he used to tell me about little<br>miss Bethesda Miller in her younger<br>years, well, they're too much even for<br>THIS paper to publish. Rest in peace,<br>Jones. I hope heaven's got a rocket<br>just for you
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| − | ==November 15, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, one of our<br>charming young men has found out, the<br>hard way, that black ice is no joke. You<br>have my sympathies, Jacob, and I hope a<br>broken coccyx doesn't slow you down. My<br>bet's still on you for hockey later this<br>Winter!<br><br>We're getting more snow, but the Frozen<br>Bread Guy committee says we aren't quite<br>ready for full freeze. Too soon to bake<br>our delicious gentlemen, but I'm told I<br>can expect a full run-down on when the<br>festival will start, as soon as weather<br>behaves itself.<br><br>I can't believe I'm saying this, but<br>come on, Mother Nature. Let it snow!<br><br>If we get a blizzard next week, you can<br>all blame me. I'll take the hate.<br><br>Speaking of hate, a little birdy tells<br>me that a certain young woman in a white<br>coat has been seen lurking outside of a<br>certain young man's bedroom window at<br>night, reciting poetry. The window<br>remains unmoved, but from all I've heard<br>of it, the poetry sounds good. Girl, you<br>should go and loiter outside Paul Gann's<br>place next. He could use a refresher, or<br>at least a bit of help, because Mandy's<br>about to stuff his quill pen down his<br>loving throat.<br><br>Last but not least, Haruki would like to<br>inform the world that rabbits are the<br>bee's knees.
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| − | ==November 22, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>dilemma: as you have all surely read in<br>the news section of the paper, SOMEone<br>has managed to burn down a chunk of our<br>best bookstore owner's shop, Homepage.<br><br>Now, police reports aside, I'm told that<br>a fair number of ladies have been seen<br>going in and out of the place in recent<br>days, and Mina sure hasn't been happy<br>with her affianced. Do we have a case<br>of jealous love on our hands, ladies and<br>gents? Or is this really the fault of<br>a faulty appliance?<br><br>I have my own ideas. What do YOU think?<br><br>Speaking of Mina, I've heard a few peeps<br>and chirps about a dance company down in<br>Boston. Break a leg, girly. Crack those<br>nuts well.<br><br>With this being published on good old<br>Thanksgiving and all, I'd like to list<br>the things I'm thankful for this year.<br>Only three of them, since Charlie won<br>the office bet.<br><br>I'm thankful for Mr. Roberts and his<br>wife, who never fail to give us some-<br>thing fun to gossip over when they show<br>up in the latest version of cutting each<br>other's hair. Lettie, I still say the<br>electric lemon banana curls beat out the<br>urchin spines. At least you could kiss<br>the guy without stabbing him!<br><br>I'm thankful for Clarice, for taking<br>over the Crossroads Cafe when Hazel had<br>to leave us all. The town needed a good<br>watering hole to mingle the old and the<br>weird in. I, of course, am neither old<br>nor weird, despite Tommy's courteous<br>efforts to walk me across the street.<br><br>Last but not least, I'm thankful to be<br>alive. Real talk, here. The world's a<br>messed up place, but we're doing some<br>good. I, for one, intend to keep on<br>doing it.
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| − | ==November 29, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we say good<br>bye to another old friend. Pepper Miller<br>was a good boy, and almost always did as<br>he was told. His owner, Fitch, paid me a<br>box of cinnamon candy purchased with his<br>own allowance to say so. Thank you, kid.<br>My dentist thanks you, too. He loves it<br>when I eat too much sugar.<br><br>December's just a day away, folks, and a<br>noisy day, at that. I was out along the<br>riverbank, tromping through the snow,<br>and clangity-clang clang went the hammer<br>at the blacksmith's place. He had a few<br>mighty fine assistants, too...<br><br>Pity they were all young enough to be my<br>sons. Sons, Blair. Not grandsons. I'm<br>not THAT old.<br><br>Eye candy value aside, if you haven't <br>planned a day to stop in for your iron,<br>there's a calendar at the town hall. I<br>hear a certain someone has been blocking<br>out his favorite days to chase people <br>down for the holiday choir there, too. <br>Samuel W. Lees, you should know better <br>than to ask folks in THIS town to sing.<br>Remember '72? I'm going to pretend I<br>don't, for the sake of remaining <br>twenty-mumble.<br><br>A local author got a bit of a kick out<br>of sweet eyefuls himself, it seems. I've<br>been given a peek at a book with some<br>very familiar characters on the cover,<br>and said author has a great admirer in<br>the one who gave it to me. To para-<br>phrase her letter, in her opinion, the<br>man must REALLY care about getting the<br>investigation right for all that work!
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| − | ==December 06, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have our<br>selves a nice little mystery. I've heard<br>from a few sources that a tall brunette<br>has been seen standing outside of folks'<br>homes, who skedaddles any time someone<br>takes notice of her. Anyone remember<br>setting out bait for Mothwoman?<br><br>On a lighter note, I hear tell there's a<br>party in the offing for the owner of the<br>paintball range, and from what the rumor<br>mill is telling me, booze will be in the<br>offing. Tempting. Very tempting. I'm<br>told the man hosting the thing's a tasty<br>morsel his own self. <br><br>Speaking of new folks, do you all recall<br>the Utridge crew earlier this year? Most<br>of them seem to have departed for parts<br>unknown, but my sources tell me miss<br>Olivia's been seen around. Where DID<br>they all go? Secret lab? Hidden baby?<br>If I hear the answer, folks, you'll be<br>the first to know!<br><br>I hear there was a bit of a to-do down<br>at the mall recently with some Silly<br>String(tm) and shaving cream. Best food<br>court entertainment in years. Sorry, Hal<br>just can't compete with Looney Tunes<br>style chase scenes and mall cops. The<br>teens responsible may not be quite as<br>entertained, once they've finished with<br>the community service the cops have<br>given them as punishment...<br><br>Also at the mall, while no one has been<br>able to peg who did it, we have a second<br>mystery this week: who beheaded Santa<br>Claus? An animatronic's rosy cheeks and<br>everything attached are missing as of<br>this week. I don't know about you, but<br>I'm awfully curious about just what the<br>culprit plans to do with a great big<br>bearded head in a hat.
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| − | ==December 13, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a<br>little less than two weeks until Christ-<br>mas, and boy howdy are the decorating<br>committees a hive of busy busy bees.<br><br>Why, I heard from Mabel just the other<br>day that several of my sources had been<br>lying to me about who sold them the new<br>greenery swags they hung up on the Town<br>Hall. What is the world coming to, when<br>there's a black market for balsam fir?<br><br>June could tell you, but she's gone and<br>flown the coop. <br><br>That's right, ladies and gents: my one<br>and only gossip rival has decided to<br>make the big move down to balmy, sunny<br>Honolulu to live with her great-<br>grandson.<br><br>Junebug, which I say with love and <br>because you're going to be too far away<br>to smack me with your cane, you will be<br>missed. Sometimes.<br><br>Andy Johnson sure wishes the person(s)<br>responsible for vandalizing his hardware<br>store would start going missing. I heard<br>from a friend of his cousin's that just<br>the other week, someone twice used spray<br>paint all along the back wall to write<br>who only knows what language. Do we<br>have an enterprising young witch doing<br>spells in alleyways? <br><br>He did say it smelled like smoke...
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| − | ==December 20, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, someone has<br>decided on being a Grinch the week<br>before Christmas, and what a shame that<br>is. Why, one of my sources was walking<br>past Lost Treasures with her pooch, and<br>tells me the poor toy shop was totally<br>trashed. The nice policemen wouldn't<br>accept my questions, but anyone wanting<br>toys from the store will just have to<br>wait until they get the door put back up<br>in a frame that isn't busted.<br><br>In happier news, as I'm sure you've read<br>earlier in the paper, the parade this<br>weekend is expectd to go off without too<br>many hitches, and as someone who's been<br>listening to the kiddos practice, let me<br>tell you, you don't want to miss it. It<br>will be an experience you won't forget.<br>Possibly it will do permanent damage to<br>your retinas. Bring sunglasses.<br><br>Speaking of sunglasses...<br><br>I hear tell that we have ourselves a<br>Mysterious Stranger in town, who claims<br>to be a vampire, walks around with an<br>umbrella on a sunny day, and pesters<br>waitresses beyond endurance. They do say<br>he's a good tipper, however, even if it<br>doesn't make up for the rest. What do<br>you think? Cute goth or supernatural<br>predator of the night? If he's real, I<br>totally call dibs on being his Anne<br>Rice.<br><br>I don't know about you, but I'm loving<br>this heat wave, even if the Frozen Bread<br>Guy contest is getting pushed back again<br>until it stops raining. I'm thinking<br>I'll skip the raisins this year. My<br>bread guys keep getting eaten. Totally<br>inedible and rock solid is my goal this<br>year. Jan, try not to steal that one for<br>your Christmas bread this time around. I<br>already paid my dentist bills, and don't<br>want to go chipping a tooth on granite<br>masquerading as fruitbread. Point in<br>fact, let's make a night of it, and I'll<br>bring the booze to keep it loose!
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| − | ==December 27, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope we<br>all had an excellent Christmas, those of<br>us who celebrate it, and for all those<br>who don't, I hope the season's treating<br>you well. Don't worry. Getting drunk off<br>your patoot on New Year's Eve is a fine,<br>perfectly non-denominational holiday.<br>You still have time.<br><br>Emily Watt, however, does not have time.<br>No, our little Emily is, I'm told, going<br>to be grounded for the rest of her life.<br>Em, kiddo, you know it isn't safe to go<br>out at night on the river, especially at<br>this time of year. <br><br>Miss Esmeralda Hinklepuff, on the other<br>hand, is perfectly safe, behind thirteen<br>locks, twelve doors and a mysterious red<br>box. <br><br>My question is this: why lock your dolly<br>up so thoroughly? Do you expect her to<br>come to life, rise up from her shelf and<br>settle on your pillow to stare at you<br>while you sleep? Smiling, staring... On<br>second thought, I know exactly why you'd<br>want to lock her up.<br><br>As for me, the only things I've been<br>locking up lately are my coffee and bon-<br>bons. Henry, nice try on the file<br>cabinet. Next time you want to pilfer my<br>coffee beans, don't wear cologne if you<br>don't want me to guess you've been there<br>'borrowing' my delicious caffeinated<br>gold.
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| − | ==January 3, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, someone has<br>been a very naughty boy. I don't know<br>who did it, and neither do the cops if<br>sources are correct, but I hear tell the<br>New Year's Eve parties got mighty epic<br>out there on the mountain. <br><br>Mind, anyone within ten miles could see<br>as much themselves, given the size of <br>the fire they built up there... <br>Questionably lawful or not, whoever it <br>was left not a shred of easy evidence.<br>Not even trash. If I were the fire<br>chief, I've gotta say, that's the kind<br>of fire threat I'd like to see around<br>more often. No real damage, nothing<br>to clean up. No footprints, either,<br>which is the kicker.<br><br>Do we have ourselves some pyro ghosts?<br><br>Speaking of fire, don't forget to stop<br>by the town forge for your black iron,<br>if you haven't gotten it already. I<br>got myself a little birdy to hang up<br>over my door, and my, that little peep<br>peep peeper hasn't stopped all week.<br>Let's see if I can fit this all in...<br><br>The police are supposedly searching for<br>a large man who was running through the<br>streets on New Year's Day, starkers, to<br>question him for several piles of feces<br>left in public places. I'm told he was<br>a mighty hairy soul, except where every<br>one wanted it. Gotta say, I'm undecid-<br>ed, but I can feel my editor developing<br>hives at the thought of what else I <br>might say on the subject. I'll be good.<br><br>Two statues are missing from outside of<br>the Eastbank Savings & Financial Group<br>down by Patterson Bridge, with heaps of<br>glitter and broken glass left in t heir<br>place. Really? Broken glass? Come on,<br>people. That's not safe.<br><br>A drunk man at Alchemy swears, up and<br>down, that he saw an angel and a devil<br>sitting down to drink together with an<br>elf and a vampire. I don't know about<br>you, but I'd like to know just what it<br>was the man was drinking. I could use<br>a bit more excitement in my life.<br><br>Kidnappers, that is not permission to<br>come back.
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| − | ==January 10, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we are past<br>the holiday hump a nd into the holiday<br>slump, at least until Valentine's Day.<br>Boys, let me tell you, chocolates get<br>old. Never bon-bons, but have you ever<br>tasted those stale things in the cheap<br>drug store boxes? <br><br>No offense meant, drug stores, but the<br>chocolate really is awful.<br><br>Then again, maybe I'm just spoiled.<br><br>The latest gossip THIS week is all about<br>local boy turned skiing phenom, Justin<br>Thyme. He's back from his latest tour,<br>and hoo boy, does he make me feel like a<br>slug out on the cross-country trails. A<br>few of the local farmers, Fry family<br>included, have opened up the fences on a<br>few of their farther pastures, and<br>there's a good long loop out there close<br>to the foot of Mount Salvation West. I'd<br>steer clear of the foothills, just in<br>case. The temperature fluctuations have<br>been playing merry hob with the rocks up<br>there, and the rockfalls aren't anything<br>to trifle with.<br><br>Our naked Running Man has been<br>identified, but he has personally asked<br>me not to put his name in the paper. He<br>also says that he was very, very drunk,<br>and that he used to have a pirate outfit<br>on until the talking frog told him to go<br>and kiss the princess in the river. I'm<br>told the princess is the one who asked<br>the man to strip to prove his love...<br><br>If I ever meet a princess and she asks<br>ME to chuck my clothes in a snowbank, I<br>don't know about you, but my answer will<br>be a firm, resounding, "Are you CRAZY?"<br><br>I've had a look-see down at the fancy<br>new convention center by the Patterson<br>Bridge, in other news, and all I've got<br>to say is: wow. Just, wow. That is one<br>impressive building. The owner took the<br>time to speak with me, for which I am<br>grateful, and if you haven't seen his ad<br>elsewhere in the paper, you should check<br>it out. Every room is different in that<br>place, and let me tell you, the kitchens<br>are to die for.
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| − | ==January 17, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we are the<br>lucky recipients of the Hometown of Beca<br>Lynn award, awarded us by none other<br>than THE 7-year old Beca Lynn herself.<br><br>Beca, kid, let me be the first to say<br>how much I hope you rule with a kind and<br>wise fist when you someday gain control<br>of the planet. Read/watch a lot of<br>Spiderman in the meanwhile, with some<br>emphasis on that whole 'With great power<br>comes...' business.<br><br>Speaking of great responsibility, what I<br>want to know is who stole Ms. Mhurrain's<br>pet chinchilla. The great fluff caper<br>is ongoing in Classroom 102 down at the<br>Patterson Middle School. If anyone has<br>a lead on Mr. Sprinkles' whereabouts, we<br>here at the Tamarack Times will gladly<br>pass it along.<br><br>Watch out for falling snow -- and snow-<br>balls, for that matter. A little birdy<br>told me that a certain group of teenage<br>miscreants has been at it again, this<br>time with food coloring and glitter. Two<br>of our Town Councilors, Emily Watson and<br>Zeke Regan, have found that opening<br>their own front doors resulted in a snow<br>heap avalanche and a regrettable glitter<br>infection.<br><br>Mrs. Watson, who runs the local library<br>for those of you out of town, has very<br>specifically and clearly stated that, I<br>quote, she "wants those responsible for<br>the incidents to come forward and own up<br>to their poor judgement."<br><br>Mr. Regan, on the other hand, sends to<br>offer his congratulations and his admir-<br>ation for the juvenile culprits, and, I<br>paraphrase, his belief that they should<br>avoid climbing on other roofs for at<br>least a month given how much luck it<br>must have burned not to fall off of his<br>slate tiles and break their necks.
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| − | ==January 24, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, there are<br>officially three weeks until Valentine's<br>day. Hear that, Jack? Three.<br><br>If you, like the Mayor, have difficulty<br>counting to numbers higher than one, you<br>may enjoy the following nugget of wisdom<br>from Crossroads Cafe this week.<br><br>While we haven't heard about our bookish<br>darling in some time, we HAVE heard all<br>about local football wunderkind Simon<br>Desrochers. Sadly, while his team did<br>not make it into the Superbowl, his baby<br>brother has now made it into the paper!<br><br>See, Derek is a special boy. So special,<br>he is beyond the scope of traditional<br>arithmetic, as evidenced by his atypical<br>method of paying his bills... Word to<br>the wise: attempting to pass off a small<br>button mushroom as a quarter, while a<br>great idea in fairyland, doesn't work in<br>a real mortal business plan, no matter<br>how long your eyelashes are, or how much<br>practice you have at wielding them<br>against anything with estrogen.<br><br>The four-year old earnestly correcting<br>his efforts only added to the appeal.<br><br>Derek, you're cute. So's your girlfriend<br>of the week. I say this with a near-<br>stranger's love: if you start walking<br>the riverbank and weeping, I will per-<br>sonally find your mama and fill her in<br>on just what it is you did when you were<br>thirteen and a half.<br><br>Don't you love small towns?
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| − | ==January 31, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, brrr, is it<br>just me, or did someone thoroughly piss<br>off Old Man Winter?<br><br>On the bright side, no self-respecting<br>animals are going to be out in THIS<br>weather eating all the Bread Men buried<br>in the snow out there.<br><br>Plans for the Valentine's Day festival<br>are well under way, and not without<br>their own particular drama. Why, I heard<br>from three of my most fashionable<br>sources that the committee was actually<br>considering using flowers grown some-<br>where other than the Greengarden for the<br>floral wreaths and table decorations.<br>For shame, ladies (and Bill). For shame.<br><br>Bill, at least, has known conflict of<br>interest. I forgive him. Never Martha,<br>unless she agrees to let me add a secret<br>message on those candy hearts.<br><br>Speaking of which, what do you all think<br>about the Necco news? Terrible business,<br>that, not having Sweethearts for V-Day<br>2019. <br><br>What sayings would YOU put on the hearts<br>if you were the one in charge of writing<br>clever things?<br><br>I asked around the general store, and<br>here are my personal favorites:<br><br>"MY WAY" - Mindy Mayweather, Age 9<br>"SORRY" - George White, Age 40mumble<br>"NOW?" - Sara Sinski, Age 23<br>"FORGET ME NOT" - Mabel Joyce, Age 92<br><br>Mabel, who could possibly forget you?
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| − | ==February 07, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, our drought<br>has ended! At last, at last, we have<br>Kip Kensington back in our modest little<br>corner of the paper, and my, what a way<br>to end up back in print.<br><br>See, a reliable source informs me that<br>our judgement-impaired bookish darling<br>has done it again. If Mina isn't already<br>out of his life, she's sure to leave him<br>for THIS one: suffice it to say that<br>deeds of a conjugal nature were reported<br>between him and local gadget menace<br>'Widget' no-last-name.<br><br>Kip, Kip, Kip.<br>I thought better of you.<br><br>Mina, my condolences. If it helps, I'm<br>told, too, that a certain degree of<br>alcohol was involved in the incident.<br><br>Speaking of alcohol-fueled incidents,<br>if anyone spots a bizarre and very naked<br>tree out on the road to the Miller com-<br>pound, none other than Allen Miller him-<br>self, thoroughly be-rummed and grogged,<br>glittered and feathered, attempted to<br>perform a ritual to a newly devised and<br>arboreal god. This ritual, as I am<br>told, largely consisted of peeling the<br>bark off of his deity's foes.<br><br>Naked.<br><br>Allen is currently at Riverside Hospital<br>and is expected to make a full recovery<br>from hypothermia and frostbite to rather<br>personal places.<br><br>I hope his cheeks are as rosy as the new<br>bouquet of flowers on my desk... <br><br>Thank you, Jack. Now if only they were<br>red instead of sunny yellow.
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| − | ==February 14, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, romance is<br>in the air.<br><br>For some people, I'm sure they wish they<br>hadn't sniffed the roses...<br><br>Here's to Jonah Mitchelson, who learned,<br>only after filling his house with lovely<br>blossoms, that his affianced was deathly<br>allergic to half of his carefully dis-<br>played arrangements. Kelly, we promise,<br>he wasn't trying to kill you. He swears<br>by "the moon and the stars in the sky"<br>that he only wanted to show his love for<br>you, and has paid me $20 to not gag on<br>how sappy-sweet and over the top guilty<br>he feels about your anaphylactic shock.<br><br>Here, too, is to Selina Gorr, and to her<br>beloved puppy Chewchew, who with but one<br>adorable woof single-pawedly stopped the<br>traffic on Main Street for over ten min-<br>utes while Mrs. Gorr had hysterics over<br>the dog's costume...and how much of it<br>was glitter glue -- WET glitter glue, at<br>that, and thence all over the inside of<br>her Subaru.<br><br>I'm told the dog was a hit at Patterson,<br>though, once the glue had dried.<br><br>Last but not least, we have Mr. Jackson<br>and his charming wife Inatt, whose<br>re-dedication to their marriage will be<br>held the day this is published. If I<br>live to be a hundred and two, I want to<br>be someone's Inatt. You're adorable,<br>Mr. Jackson, and your wife is a very<br>lucky woman to have found you.<br><br>On a different sweet note, get your cart<br>ready at the mall, fellow chocaholics!<br>Tomorrow, the holiday will be over, and<br>the cheap chocolate sales will have<br>begun!
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| − | ==February 21, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I get to<br>talk about my favorites: love and pain!<br><br>I have to tip my metaphorical cap to Mr.<br>Hamilton, however, for going above and<br>beyond the call of booty. It's not just<br>any paramour who would climb up onto the<br>icy roof of his lover's home to retrieve<br>a monster of a Maine Coon, only to end<br>up in the hospital with seven stitches<br>from said beloved feline's claws.<br><br>Gentlemen, your bar has been set.<br><br>Rebecca Thorpe, now, has something else<br>for us to do with bars... Becca, I had<br>no idea one woman could pretzel herself<br>into so many different variations on a<br>heart. I only regret that I wasn't over<br>at Bill's to see it.<br><br>I'm told the bar's Facebook page has the<br>choice picks of the videos patrons took<br>of the event.<br><br>Speaking of events, thank you to all and<br>sundry for helping make the Warm Hearts<br>Festival a success. Kara asked me to let<br>you all know that, over the entirety of<br>the festival, the town raised $3,554 for<br>local shelters and charities for kids at<br>Riverside Hospital.<br><br>Reliable rumor-generator Haruki was<br>noted as a frequent volunteer, wearing<br>heart deely-boppers and feathered wings,<br>while teaching origami and infecting the<br>world with glitter. As several people<br>have told me, he was sadly bemoaning his<br>single state, so if you want a little<br>Japanese magic, folks, sounds like he's<br>available!<br><br>Now for some fun! A little birdy tweets<br>that the '80s Karaoke Night down at<br>Alchemy was THE place to be, including<br>such highlights as:<br> * Haruki and Itsuki (magicians) dressed<br> as characters from Cats (the musical)<br> * Damion King (boxer, gym owner) sing-<br> ing "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor<br> * Widget (aforementioned gadget menace)<br> singing "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns<br> N' Roses<br> * Zillah Grimes (of tea shop fame) with<br> Depeche Mode's "Behind the Wheel"<br> * Poppy Devereux as Joan Jett<br> * Carter Logan (THE Carter Logan) with <br> Motörhead's "Orgasmatron" who, I am<br> told, quite stole the show.<br><br>Gotta say, if anyone wants lessons in<br>anything musical, this area's a good one<br>to live in, as many performers as we<br>have around here. I'm not complaining!
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| − | ==February 28, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, believe it<br>or not, we're getting closer to Spring.<br>Trust me, I have the gardening catalogs<br>to prove it. I don't know how much money<br>THEY think I earn writing this column,<br>but it's sure not enough to buy the bulb<br>collections I've been drooling over!<br><br>Now, if only they'd invent a cold-hardy<br>ixia...<br><br>Still, for those of you who want your<br>floral fix, I'm told the greenhouses up<br>at the Greengarden Nursery will be open<br>to the public as of March 1st. I'll be<br>there, dreaming of being young again and<br>capable of kneeling in the dirt for hour<br>upon hour without creaky knees...<br><br>I am glad to say that I'm not the only<br>one getting old in this town, as Charlie<br>can attest. Or can he? Char, you know<br>I love you, but this is the price you<br>pay for coming over every Tuesday night<br>and slurping up my noodles.<br><br>See, Charlie here swears up and down he<br>never forgets a thing. He has a mind<br>like a steel trap, or like an elephant,<br>or like the Prototype Series 1000 Term-<br>inator, but hopefully with less melting<br>in a vat of molten who knows what.<br><br>Far be it from me to call out a friend<br>in a paper read by thousands of people<br>across multiple cities, but burning my<br>family-famous lasagna, my pot holder, my<br>kitchen curtains and half of my freshly-<br>painted, brand new kitchen cabinets to a<br>black and stinky crisp deserves some<br>public laughter. Folks, don't you worry<br>about me. Or Char. He redeemed himself<br>by calling in the firefighters, and by<br>baking me a consolation pie with extra<br>apology strawberries on it.<br><br>Moral of the story: friends are the ones<br>you can trust to burn your house down,<br>and they smell better than an elephant.<br>Really, with a name like 'Char' I should<br>have known better...
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| − | ==March 07, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, it's time<br>to start dreaming of Spring! Mind you,<br>that's dreaming of it, not actually see-<br>ing it any time soon.<br><br>I had a dream. It was a simple one, and<br>inexpensive. See, it doesn't cost a lot<br>of money for young men to slow down when<br>driving motorbikes down muddy dirt roads<br>with lines of hikers on the verge. Jake<br>Nielssen, I hope you enjoyed your trip<br>up Salvation. Mrs. Sally and the eighth<br>grade class of Patterson Middle School<br>would have enjoyed their field trip a <br>whole lot more if they weren't covered <br>in frigid slimy muck for half the walk <br>up the mountain.<br><br>On a happier note, thank you, Elizabeth,<br>for showing us your rock. I hope you see<br>only the best through the hole in it.<br><br>I used to collect pebbles, myself, from<br>the banks of the River Tam. White<br>quartz was a favorite, and anything <br>with stripes. Maggie Whinsom could have<br>used a bit more 'stripe' herself, from<br>what I hear. Mags, doing a polar dip is<br>one thing, but doing a polar /bare/<br>instead of a polar /bear/ is something<br>else... <br><br>Look on the bright side. You sure got<br>Captain Kenny's attention. Speaking of<br>which, welcome home, soldier. Just wish<br>it didn't have to happen under these<br>circumstances. My condolences for your<br>pa.
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| − | ==March 14, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, let's get<br>our green on! Saint Patrick's Day is a-<br>coming, and we all know what that means:<br>beer!<br><br>That's right. The amount of food colour<br>we're all going to be drinking over the<br>next week is obscene, but it will be oh,<br>so good. I have been bribed by the 'I<br>Feel Hoppy' microbrewery to gossip about<br>how delicious they are, but I have to<br>admit, while their beers are good for a<br>beer, or an ale, I'm more of a tasty<br>chocolate bonbon and glass of wine kind<br>of girl.<br><br>Sorry, Junior. Old Jack and I go way<br>back. You owe him $20 for that one. He<br>bet you'd bring me the wrong bonbons,<br>and he was right.<br><br>Speaking of beer, a little birdy tells<br>me that a certain blue-haired somebody<br>was seen walking along the banks of the<br>Tam late last night, singing drunken<br>pirate ballads and strumming a guitar. I<br>am a kind woman, and won't name names,<br>but you know who you are. So does half<br>of YouTube at this point. <br><br>Your cousin wasn't so kind.<br><br>My editor promises he'll make it up to<br>you another time, readers, but I have a<br>smaller word limit than usual thanks to<br>the news segment. Check Channel 10 for <br>more details.
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| − | ==March 21, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>strange one, folks. While I can under-<br>stand the urge to acquire sweet things,<br>being a reasonable human being, I am not<br>about to lumber into Sweet Treats,<br>commandeer four gallon tubs of caterer's<br>honey, intimidate the duty manager and<br>knock over jars of preserves on my way<br>out.<br><br>If anyone sees a very sticky one-armed<br>woman around, keep your honey close, and<br>the telephone number of the local cops<br>closer.<br><br>That said: we've been waiting for what<br>seems like forever, but it is finally,<br>blessedly, SPRING!<br><br>Ignore the snow. Just pretend it isn't<br>there. I have paper flowers in the<br>windows thanks to our copy-editor's<br>niece Janine, and I am going to turn on<br>all of the lights, spray some Glade air<br>freshener, and pretend I'm in a sunny<br>garden.<br><br>Soon. Soon, the Mrs. Evelyn Miller<br>Memorial Gardens will be greening, and<br>I can stop giving myself perfume head-<br>aches.<br><br>Randall knows all about those, now,<br>doesn't he? Kid, word to the wise: if<br>you want to dress up like your mom, try<br>waiting to use the perfume until you can<br>ask her which ones cost more than your<br>entire Summer allowance mowing lawns. I<br>love the polka dots on the flip-flops,<br>however, and your talent at doing brows<br>by far exceeds my own. Talk to Lou and<br>Bang Bang down at Crops and Bobbers some<br>time. You're almost old enough to be a<br>part-timer, and they'd be lucky to have<br>you.
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| − | ==March 28, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I must put<br>a particular set of rumors to bed, and<br>they are not, alas, going in mine.<br><br>No, my lovely readers, I am not dating<br>our inestimable Mr. Kensington. He is an<br>adorable disaster, and I'd far prefer to<br>write about those than live them.<br><br>Just who IS he dating, these days, we<br>wonder?<br><br>Kip aside, I hear there's more than a<br>bit of romance in the air for Mr. Lewis<br>and former high school beauty queen Miss<br>Rosario. When I hit sixty, I hope a man<br>is still willing to serenade me on a<br>banjo in the middle of the street, John.<br>Lira's a lucky woman.<br><br>I'm told we have a bit of feline romance<br>in the air as well... Some kitty-cat<br>Lothario out there is serenading, and by<br>serenade we mean yowling at, lady cats<br>all down Main Street the past week, but<br>despite their best efforts, volunteer<br>cat controllers have yet to locate the<br>amorous animal.<br><br>Last but not least, this week marks the<br>twentieth anniversary of badgering our<br>beloved Mayor, Jacques Bonheur, into<br>becoming our Mayor in the first place.<br>Here's to you, Jack.
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| − | ==April 04, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, SOMEone has<br>sure been busy out there in the forests.<br>Hikers from tour groups are a-twitter<br>over the weird art popping up along the<br>trails. Someone's been taking inspir-<br>ation from the Alebrijes, in my opinion,<br>and if not, I'd like to know what they<br>were smoking, because the mind that<br>made that many bizarre rainbows must be<br>quite the place to be.<br><br>For those of us eagerly awaiting the<br>first hints of green on the mountain-<br>sides, we're in luck. The weather guys<br>say we're getting a string of warmer<br>days and nights, and the Frozen Bread<br>Guy contest may finally have a date for<br>checking out the winners! Just don't go<br>eating any. You don't know which critter<br>peed on that...<br><br>The ladies at the Evelyn Miller Memorial<br>Gardens have asked me to let you all<br>know that they are paying attention to<br>the distribution of illegally deposited<br>cigarette butts on the benches, and will<br>let us all know if butt-augury becomes a<br>valid method of predicting the future.<br><br>Yes. I typed that in a paper. Some days<br>I really love my job.
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| − | ==April 11, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>delightful influx of tourists to thank<br>for the success of the April Fling. Mrs.<br>Ethel Maine-Cordenstone and Miss Susanne<br>Rosario-Ramirez literally took the cake,<br>this year, and may their arguments ever<br>end up with both parties sweetened by<br>dessert. <br><br>I'm sure the dry cleaner will be able to<br>get most of that out.<br><br>On a different note, it sounds like our<br>very own Kidd Starr has 'starred' (I'm<br>sure that joke will never get old, Kidd)<br>in his last internship, and is ready for<br>a congregation of his own. Reverend<br>Starr, may you age like a fine wine and<br>have the wisdom not to repeat past<br>mistakes. I forgive you for my tulips.<br><br>Mostly.<br><br>Your friend Robert, however...<br><br>Bobby Whittlepin, your mama would be<br>rolling in her grave if she knew you were<br>the one responsible for getting coffee on<br>the school's piano. It's a good thing<br>for you that nobody delivers this column<br>to the local cemetery for the ghosts.
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| − | ==April 18, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell<br>that SOMEone has been ordering seeds<br>galore. What in the world would anyone<br>want with that much mustard? I wouldn't<br>have known if it weren't for the loose<br>packaging. Boxes these days. What's<br>with having the delivery guy leave them<br>on the side of the road in, too?<br><br>Seems we have a newcomer up to all sorts<br>of odd things, but beyond that they tend<br>to involve animals, I haven't been told<br>yet. Stay tuned, folks, for next week's<br>edition.<br><br>Speaking of...<br><br>Next week is the official Frozen Bread<br>Guy celebration, and I've got my eye on<br>a few potential winners. I'll let you<br>know next week if my guesses were<br>correct! Mary-Sue, you already know, so<br>hush that mouth or I won't share my bon-<br>bons.<br><br>I WILL share that I've heard a few of<br>our more rebellious youths chatting<br>about a new gang in the city. Something<br>with fire and snowflakes, and marks<br>painted in improbable places. How they<br>got to the bottom of Stagbridge is<br>beyond me. We haven't had much gang-<br>related violence out here in a dog's<br>age, and I'd like to keep it that way.<br><br>Fort Brunsett police are cautioning<br>folks to keep an eye out for the artist<br>responsible for the graffiti involved.<br>Please report to them, not me, though if<br>you wanted to share anything especially<br>juicy, I wouldn't say no...
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| − | ==April 25, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I get to<br>tell you all that I have misjudged my<br>raisins.<br><br>That's right. My guess for the Bread<br>Guy was completely wrong. Itsuki, I<br>am sorry to have doubted your ability<br>to bake a man-sized loaf that not<br>even the deer would want to molest<br>over the winter.<br><br>Clearly, the bar is set for next year<br>and the recipes for THAT season. Who'd<br>have thought baking inedible bread would<br>be a GOOD thing?<br><br>The source of the odd animal-based<br>rumors has been located: a tall, dark<br>skinned man has been responsible for<br>two traffic jams and a whole flock of<br>Instagram posts over the past couple<br>of weeks, and here are just a few of<br>the reasons why:<br><br>1. He ministers to dog congregations in<br> the park to reassure them that they<br> are all good boys and girls.<br>2. He lets those dogs pretend to be<br> parrots on his shoulders while he<br> sings lullabies to feeding ducks.<br>3. He catches fish only to teach the<br> scaly things tips and tricks to<br> avoid being caught in the future.<br>4. As the photos on the internet can<br> already attest, he eats picnics with<br> bears...<br><br>I'm told that he also went up to Four<br>Hills in search of, no joke, a bat<br>named Eustace to help it find its farm.<br>I don't know about you, but the funny<br>farm is where I'd be leaning toward<br>at that point.<br><br>If anybody knows the guy, point him my<br>way. I've got some groundhogs he could<br>talk out of my tulips.
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| − | ==May 02, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, our beloved<br>local loonies have done it again. By all<br>I saw across the river, the Lefevre fam-<br>ily's Beltane celebrations yesterday<br>were as enthusiastic and prone to ineb-<br>riation as always.<br><br>The real question for me is this: was<br>the booze strong enough to get Cam up on<br>a stump somewhere to play for us? Kid,<br>you had so much potential. It's a crying<br>shame to hide that light under a padlock<br>and a three-factor authentication system<br>so complex that even you can't figure it<br>all out.<br><br>Speaking of mysteries, try this one on<br>for size: between the hours of 2:00PM &<br>4:00PM, a swarm of spiders invaded the<br>Lethbridge Library. Creepy much? No one<br>has noticed anything else amiss, and no<br>one is quite sure how, or why, they<br>swarmed like that.<br><br>On a similar note, I've heard a lot of<br>folks discussing extra rats in the town<br>lately. Five people reported finding<br>the furry buggers sitting outside on the<br>windowsill until shooed off, and that's<br>just the ones willing to come have a cup<br>of coffee and a chat.<br><br>I have my guesses as to who the insti-<br>gator was, and that Rainbow Brite look-<br>a-like who runs the Rising Sun Tourneys<br>should watch out -- I hear tell that a<br>strange man and a dog were out there at<br>the stables after business hours, talk-<br>ing to the horses about revolting. My<br>friend's friend says he didn't have the<br>luck he wanted, though, since all the<br>horses are still snug as a bug in a rug<br>out in the stable.
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| − | ==May 09, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, Haruki, I<br>promise it wasn't me this time. We've had<br>reports of rabbity garden pests going<br>missing at an oddly rapid rate, and no<br>one's quite sure why. If anybody sees a<br>very fat-looking flock of hawks or eagles<br>out there somewhere, let us know!<br><br>Otters have been the draw lately, and the<br>tourism committee is on the ball. In case<br>you haven't seen them yet, you can buy<br>your very own 'You Otter Come Back to TF'<br>t-shirts. Mindy, I know the otter is<br>supposed to look like it's having fun, <br>but I've got to say, the bottle in its<br>hand needs a much clearer label... Is it<br>a beer or a soda? I could use some wine,<br>myself. 'Otter' go by the general store<br>when I'm done writing, to drink away the<br>puns...<br><br>Now, I know what you're going to say.<br>"Enid," you'll tell me, "you just said<br>you needed to drink away puns," but these<br>were given to me by an adorable, hard-<br>dealing five year old who won a bet about<br>that odd man and his ducks, and a promise<br>is a promise. See this, Elise? Payment<br>rendered. Your jokes have now been shared<br>with the world.<br><br>* What do you call a dinosaur that is<br> sleeping? (A dino-snore!)<br>* Why did the student eat his homework?<br> (Because the teacher told him it was a<br> piece of cake!)<br>* How does a scientist freshen her<br> breath? (With experi-mints!)<br>* Why can't Elsa have a balloon? (Because<br> she'll let it go.)<br><br>You're welcome.
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| − | ==May 16, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, preparation<br>for the week-long Memorial Day festival,<br>and the 'fall-side ceremony to celebrate<br>and honor the fallen, is well underway.<br>Veterans are being asked to offer their<br>opinions and to vote on possible options,<br>but we all know Marilyn's blueberry-rasp-<br>berry-marshmallow puffed rice desserts<br>will win. Who can say no to sugary fruit<br>and crunch-sticky stars?<br><br>In news less likely to make dentists feel<br>needed, I hear tell a certain pirate club<br>owner had a sartorial slip the other day.<br>Is she joining the ranks of her employees<br>up on the stage, or does she just really<br>want the world to know about her panty<br>preferences? The 'KISS ME' on the cheeks<br>was so much sassier than I expected. Miss<br>Black, may your depths remain unplumbed<br>and further mysteries fully clothed.<br><br>A friend of a friend of a friend's third<br>cousin's lawyer's uncle's fifth brother<br>claims to have heard from Carter Logan's<br>own lips that he intends to go back into<br>show business. Is this true? Will the<br>golden voice return to the stage? I have<br>my doubts, but you, my rabid readers,<br>have all the time in the world to hunt<br>him down and find the truth.<br><br>Personally, if we're going for childhood<br>vocal heroes, I'd have to toss a zombie<br>Beatles reunion into the hat. Anybody<br>know a good necromancer with reasonable<br>rates?
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| − | ==May 23, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, thanks to a<br>VERY vocal discussion in Crossroads Cafe,<br>I have been wheedled into including a,<br>shall we say, more educated (read: nerdy)<br>series of jokes. Elise's brother, in case<br>you haven't met him, is going to be a<br>lawyer some day. Michael, I expect to see<br>your name on TV when I'm aged and<br>decrepit.<br><br> * What does a dyslexic, agnostic insom-<br> niac spend most of his time doing?<br> (Staying up at night wondering if<br> there really is a dog.)<br> * What do you say when you're comforting<br> a spelling nut?<br> (There, their, they're...)<br> * What do you get when you put root beer<br> into a square glass? (Beer!)<br> * Descartes walked into a bar and the<br> bartender asked him, "Would you like a<br> drink?" <br> "I think not," Descartes said, before<br> vanishing.<br><br>Contract fulfilled, kiddo. I'll expect a<br>lemonade next time, as promised.<br><br>Speaking of sour things, if you haven't<br>had a chance to check out Betsy Winnet's<br>thunder-juice, I highly recommend it. I<br>also recommend having something nearby to<br>take the taste out of your mouth. Betsy,<br>I have no idea what you put in that juice<br>of yours, but kudos to you for finding a<br>way to beat even the Warhead candies I<br>love so well.<br><br>Now, if only she would explain just why<br>she calls it THUNDER juice...
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| − | ==May 30, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, the town<br>has endured its fair share of tie-dyed<br>bovines and Pink Mystery ice cream. Fry<br>family fun, I will have you know, has<br>resulted in my tastebuds crying for<br>mercy in the very best of ways. Kudos,<br>cow-runners.<br><br>It wasn't only MY tastebuds rising up in<br>revolt against their delicious invaders,<br>either. Why, Melissa Maybell of Channel<br>6 fame ran through the tents so fast, I<br>thought her tail was on fire. Live and<br>learn: you can move surprisingly quickly<br>in a pencil skirt and three-inch heels.<br>Pink Peppercorn ice cream, as an aside,<br>is best enjoyed by those whose tongues<br>have already given up on life and res-<br>igned themselves to torture by fire.<br><br>There were some adorable moments,<br>however, and the run itself went very<br>well. Figures are still being tallied<br>up, but it sounds like the local shelter<br>groups will be getting at least a few<br>thousand dollars. Speaking as someone<br>who may or may not be stoned out of my<br>home some day, please continue to sup-<br>port your local homeless shelters. It's<br>a rough world out there, and there are a<br>lot of folks who just need a hand to get<br>them back up on their feet.
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| − | ==June 06, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, the cows<br>have passed, and we have ducks to look<br>forward to! Keep an eye on the sky next<br>week, folks, and get yourself and your<br>kids down to the River Tam, just south<br>of the Miller lumber yard. If anyone<br>still needs to register their duckapult,<br>the safety inspectors will be holding<br>meetings at the Town Hall every day, by<br>appointment and walk-in.<br><br>Jeremy Thatcher has asked me to let you<br>all know that he lost his first tooth on<br>his birthday, eating cake. <br><br>His mother would like me to let you know<br>that the cake his tooth fell off in was<br>not his.<br><br>Betty, my condolences, but look on the<br>bright side: the tooth stayed in the<br>family!<br><br>Getting old, which I most certainly am<br>not doing, means that I have a lot more<br>tooth-loss than birthday cakes to look<br>forward to. Jeremy, when your new<br>chompers grow in, take good care of<br>them. You only get new ones once.
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| − | ==June 13, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, the ducks<br>are flying, and I don't mean the kind<br>our hunters can have fun shooting. I can<br>hear the trebuchets thwacking, honking <br>and tooting from my living room window,<br>and I've got to say, for as long as I've<br>lived here, I don't think I have ever<br>heard a 'symphony' of trebuchet-flingers<br>as diverse as this year's composition.<br><br>Mayor Jack is on the judging committee<br>this year, so bring him lots of bonbons,<br>folks, as bribes. You can leave them<br>with me.<br><br>He might get one or two...<br><br>Speaking of going missing, Brigitte Yves<br>was talking just the other day about her<br>pies disappearing from her windowsill. I<br>don't want to point fingers, covered in<br>blueberries or not, toward a few young<br>culprits I may or may not have seen<br>chortling in the woods, but an apology<br>seems in order, ladies, doesn't it?<br><br>All Miss Yves asks is that you bake pies<br>to replace the ones you pilfered, and to<br>pay her back for the time you stole with<br>your own pastry pilfering.
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| − | ==June 20, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I've been<br>wondering: is it just me, or have we had<br>a raging case of LARP? As older readers<br>may not know, a LARP is a Live Action<br>Role-Playing game, where people dress up<br>like fairies and hairy Conan the Desper-<br>ately needs a Barber-ian to play out<br>stories. In public. Where people can<br>see them.<br><br>When I was younger, make-believe didn't<br>have quite as many rules...<br><br>Or actual swords. <br><br>I'll grant them this: my younger self<br>didn't have quite as many steamy men and<br>women in those oddball outfits, either.<br>Clyde, your mother named you well, and if<br>you ever brag about hefting me up over<br>your head, tell everyone I weighed twenty<br>pounds less!<br><br>Now, I've heard the Ladies' Gardening<br>Group has lost a fair amount themselves,<br>through healthy living and good exer-<br>cise out on the mountain. Kudos, ladies!<br>I'd join you, but I think I've strained<br>my everything. Bonbons at home are call-<br>ing my name.<br><br>Anyone else still finding ducks in places<br>no one should be finding ducks?
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| − | ==June 27, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm here to<br>bring you word of a mighty "sticky" situ-<br>ation. Get it? Sticky? Captain Owens<br>sure did, when he sat down on a bench his<br>daughter had just spilled her soggy candy<br>and bubble gum all over.<br><br>I'm told a little vinegar or dish soap is<br>good for getting that out of fabric, but<br>as for the adorable little girl snapping<br>a picture of her daddy's ass and posting<br>it on Facebook? That you'll have to deal<br>with on your own.<br><br>Now, a little birdy tells me that someone<br>has been being naughty down on Apple Tree<br>Lane. Mrs. Belwether has forcefully asked<br>me to request that the individual, or<br>individuals, who persist in leaving apple<br>cores in her streetside gardens use the<br>public trash bin further down the road.<br><br>Speaking of food that attracts pests, I'm<br>mighty glad I live up here in town. The<br>local animal control authorities are<br>mystified, and I am, too, by how many of<br>the rats they're finding lately have had<br>numbers dyed into their fur.<br><br>Is someone out there doing science? Are<br>the rats out to get us? Billy, you let<br>us know up here. We'll stay good and far<br>away.<br><br>The plans for the Independence Day celeb-<br>rations are well underway, on a happier<br>note, and businesses all down Main Street<br>are reporting gossip as usual. I'll be<br>back with more next week!
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| − | ==July 04, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, my gloating<br>is catching up to me. Anyone have a Pied<br>Piper we could borrow? The rat problem is<br>only getting worse, though as we've all<br>heard on the news, the little beasties do<br>seem to have a clean bill of health.<br>Whatever else they're here to do, spread-<br>ing a plague isn't on the agenda.<br><br>I'm told we've had a plague of fireworks<br>accidents, instead, but don't you worry,<br>folks. I was getting my third morning<br>coffee down at the Crossroads Cafe, and<br>what do I see but two sets of parents<br>frog-marching teenagers up toward the<br>deputy fire and police station for none<br>other than setting off all those explo-<br>sions you all were asking about the<br>night before last. Case closed! For<br>legal reasons, I can't disclose the<br>names of those involved, but I CAN say<br>that one of the boys was wearing white<br>boxers with bright red hearts on them,<br>and really should have pulled his pants<br>up higher. We didn't need to see the<br>cut-outs.<br><br>Deputy, you have my sympathies. If you<br>want the ladies of the town to go around<br>with hats for charitable contributions<br>toward the acquisition of suitable belts<br>and undergarments for use at the station<br>there, you just give us the word.
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| − | ==July 11, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told I<br>was sexist, and I apologize. The men of<br>the town are, of course, entirely welcome<br>to go around asking for money to buy new<br>undergarments for delinquent teens, and<br>so is any gender in between.<br><br>Remember Milly? Probably not, since the<br>little furball ran away almost a year ago<br>today, but believe it or not, I'm told by<br>her owner that the collie just showed up<br>at her door, filthy but bright-eyed. <br>Hopefully she stays there, this time, and<br>Nancy, if you need a number for a good<br>landscaper to put up a higher fence, you<br>know my number.<br><br>According to the ladies down at Bill's,<br>this week was a bumper crop for dog-<br>related incidents. There have been two<br>runaways, a broken hip due to a purple-<br>dyed poodle, which we really should come<br>back to in a debate over cruelty to eyes<br>at some point, and, last but not least, a<br>doggy play date has resulted in painted<br>paw-prints all over the sidewalk down on <br>South Main after the furry miscreants<br>escaped their leads, knocked over a can<br>of paint and sprinted out to play 'chase'<br>down the street.<br><br>Speaking of animals and paint, why, I was<br>at lunch with Lou and Bang Bang just the<br>other day and heard that SOMEone has been<br>out there painting ninjas on the sides of<br>buildings. The town hall got a hippo in a<br>tutu, Crops and Bobbers has a pair of<br>lovebirds flinging ninja stars, and a few<br>other readers have come up to report cows<br>and sheep, a frog, and a particularly<br>mean-looking pixie scattered about the<br>town. I went out to see them myself, and<br>whoever this artist is, they're wasted on<br>tagging buildings. The calligraphy on the<br>slogans alone is gorgeous. Now if only I,<br>or any of my sources, spoke Japanese...
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| − | ==July 18, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I am pleased<br>to say that we have had an outpouring of<br>translators willing to step up to the<br>task of reading ninja graffiti.<br><br>Now, in no particular order, my lovely<br>readers, this is what we've got:<br><br> * The potato is watching you.<br> * Big is big.<br> * Love the star killer.<br> * Fear the root-veggie of war.<br> * Dinosaurs aren't clever.<br> * Kickbox the snake plane.<br> * Taste the rainbow.<br><br>What does any of that mean? Heck if I<br>know, but the police are mighty curious<br>about the identity of the one who did it<br>all. <br><br>In other news, what's this I hear about<br>you swearing off of coffee, Jimmy? Why,<br>half the business at the Crossroads Cafe<br>comes from you and your addiction. What's<br>that nice young lady going to do? I've<br>been informed by an anonymous source with<br>excellent orange cake that you'll be<br>trying tea to make you feel younger. Let<br>me know if it works. I could lose a few<br>decades myself.<br><br>Speaking of losing things, someone has<br>been leaving glitter trails all over the<br>mountain up on Salvation West, the ranger<br>crew tells me, and hanging little "fairy<br>houses" too, but so far the only things<br>living in them are spiders and bird poo.
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| − | ==July 25, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we should<br>all be thankful to a group of anonymous<br>hikers and their dog. It hasn't hit the<br>news yet, I'm proud to say, but yesterday<br>evening, John Wellenby was taking a drive<br>up Salvation East to celebrate his wife's<br>fifth deathday when a tree fell on his<br>car. Darn near crushed him, and it DID<br>smash the antique end table in the trunk,<br>but with no cell service, he was up there<br>for four hours. John, with your hip, I<br>don't blame you for waiting, but at least<br>we all know Mabel would still has a good<br>sense of humor. I'll bet you a $20 that<br>it's her spirit that knocked that tree on<br>down. She never did like that table.<br><br>With that in mind, John has also asked me<br>to ask you all: anyone good at carpentry<br>want to risk Mabel's ire and put that<br>table back together?<br><br>I've got another odd bit of gossip for<br>you, and this one's a pickle. We all know<br>and love, or don't, the squirrels at this<br>time of year, but is this some sort of<br>regional squirrel holiday we weren't <br>aware of? I've had half a dozen readers<br>come up and say they've been finding<br>squirrels crawling in all manner of<br>places. Buildings with interesting roofs<br>seem to be their favorites. It's not<br>even Autumn yet -- why are they in such<br>a hurry to hide their nuts?<br><br>Mrs. Pennythistle has a similar question<br>for the gentleman callers she has seen<br>entering, and leaving, a neighbor's home<br>the past few nights...
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| − | ==August 01, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, the public<br>has asked me to inform you all that the <br>individual responsible for driving past<br>the homes on Miller Road at 2am blaring<br>extraordinarily loud and thumping music<br>has been soundly chastised by the Miller<br>grannies for waking their grandbabies.<br><br>Millers, try Avalon. She's the tea witch<br>Lefevre down on Main. If anyone can give<br>that driver a good cursing, she can.<br><br>I'm told a certain teenager was "cursing"<br>a few people yesterday morning, too... A<br>certain pair of red Converse sneakers was<br>found dangling from the laces on a power<br>line. Note: these were not the decrepit,<br>ancient shoes worn by our favorite Kip<br>Kensington of Homepage Books. These were<br>in good shape, until the pigeons pooped<br>inside them.<br><br>Little Tommy Mayer would like everyone to<br>know that he lost his toy RC plane flying<br>it over the cliff by the waterfall. His<br>mama's docking his allowance until he can<br>buy his big brother a new plane, but he'd<br>like all the rock climbers out there to<br>know that he'll pay them in weeding or in<br>yardwork, or household chores, with which<br>he has a great deal of experience, if<br>they'd be willing to climb down and fetch<br>the plane from the rock it landed on.<br><br>What do you say, climbers? Feel like a<br>refreshing slip and slide down moss-slimy<br>rocks beside a waterfall?<br><br>If you go, let me know, because I want to<br>be there to take pictures. That'd be one<br>for the record books.
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| − | ==August 08, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have some<br>good news from John Wellenby. Strange,<br>but good. Remember the tree that crushed<br>his car a couple weeks back? Remember his<br>request for aid in putting Mabel's table<br>back together? Well, somebody did, and it<br>is better than ever, but his mysterious<br>benefactor wouldn't give a name, and John<br>says it was the oddest thing -- all they<br>wanted was a rose from John's garden in<br>payment, fully bloomed, from his ma's old<br>bush out back.<br><br>Have we gone and turned into the Vermont<br>variant of Beauty and the Beast while I<br>wasn't looking?<br><br>Just in case, be careful about little old<br>ladies needing help...and no, Timmy, I am<br>oldER, but I am not old. Give me twenty<br>years, at least, so I can complain about<br>not doing sky-diving enough in my future<br>retirement.<br><br>Speaking of being kind, I hear tell that<br>the old church roof has sprung a leak. A<br>whopping big one, from what I'm told. The<br>A town historian, who will remain <br>nameless at his request, has asked me to<br>remind you all that the historical value<br>of our local structures is incalculable,<br>and that future generations would thank<br>us if we could scrape the lint out of our<br>pockets. Donations are at an all time<br>low.<br><br>On a happier note, Margaret, you dog!<br>When you said you'd lost 30 pounds while <br>you were down in Mississippi from having<br>that tape worm, I admit, I didn't believe<br>it. Now, lose those pants, next, and this<br>time, don't lose them in public.
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| − | ==August 15, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we get to <br>learn all about the joys of having ears<br>that work as nature intended. See, Abel<br>McKinney has lived beside Mupan and Ling<br>for forty years, and for twenty years,<br>Abel's wife Mary-Anne has been nagging<br>him, as you've no doubt heard, to get his<br>ears checked.<br><br>Well, he finally did.<br><br>I was getting a coffee the other day, out<br>on the sidewalk and chatting with friends<br>about nonsense, and what do I hear but an<br>angry Abel going on and on to the police<br>deputy about noise, noise, noise, day in,<br>day out, from the neighbors next door. He<br>can't handle the drumming, the loud music<br>and games. <br><br>Abel, I've been asked by Mary-Anne to<br>tell you one thing: I told you so.<br><br>Here's another little item for you: who's<br>the little litterbug leaving plastic <br>garbage all over the river? It's been a<br>hot, hot week, and we've had half a dozen<br>reports from locals and tourists alike of<br>laundry detergent bottles, soda bottles,<br>water bottles, all strung together or<br>with toothpicks poked into their sides,<br>caught in the nets under the bridges.<br><br>As always, if you hear anything about it,<br>you know where to bring the gossip.
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| − | ==August 22, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I am happy<br>to say that the mystery of the river-side<br>litterbug has been solved. As it turns<br>out, little Andrew Altin has been getting<br>into his mother's recycling bins at night<br>and playing Armada out on the water with<br>his friends, whose names were redacted at<br>Andrew's request, because he was the<br>Captain and he should go down with his<br>ship.<br><br>Andrew, kid, I salute your dedication. I<br>also understand that your mother will<br>consider public service at the boat dock<br>a suitable punishment. <br><br>Speaking of punishment and the river, we<br>heard from the police about it all, but I<br>went down to check the pylon with my own<br>peepers and hoo boy, that bridge is going<br>to be closed a good long while. For those<br>of you who aren't local, the Millers are<br>the town founders, and they run a logging<br>operation up the north side of the river,<br>small time. Somehow, a log managed to get<br>knocked free of the Mill Pond by their<br>place, and floated its way downriver. It<br>did a number on part of Northbridge, and<br>what is that going to mean for us, my<br>readers?<br><br>Traffic.<br><br>We can only be grateful this all happened<br>before prime leaf peeper season, but you<br>all know how quickly the trees turn here.<br>Why, I saw some red leaves just the other<br>day while I was out walking with friends.<br><br>I heard tell from a nice construction<br>gentleman that they estimate repairs will<br>take at least three weeks. Hope South-<br>bridge can handle the tourist traffic!
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| − | ==August 29, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I bring you<br>news of the blind leading the lame. Mrs.<br>Hampton's old retriever, Samwise, is a<br>good old boy, but he's been blind since<br>birth. Half-deaf at this age, too, but<br>as she tells it, why, he took one gander<br>at the geese along the river bank and<br>charged right on in, with Mrs. Hampton,<br>perforce, attached. She says they're<br>both okay, no one was injured, but she's<br>going to be keeping a closer eye out for<br>feathered fiends, because she could swear<br>those geese were laughing at them both.<br><br>I don't know about you, but at his age, I<br>think I'd be taking any opportunities for<br>fun that I could get. That does bring up<br>the question: do dogs have bucket lists?<br><br>From what I've been able to gather, the<br>Millers sure do. My sources tell me that<br>a certain Mr. Miller was overheard saying<br>he'd like to have the head of whichever<br>miscreant damaged his mill pond in one. I<br>have heard of heads on a platter, but<br>heads in a bucket? That's new.<br><br>I'm sure you'll be hearing it on the news<br>tonight, too, but my one and only<br>question for the perpetrator is this: why<br>a bear coat? Staying far enough from the<br>cameras to keep it blurry was just smart,<br>but bears don't use chain-cutters.<br><br>Johnny Miller's offering a reward to any-<br>one who can help the family find the<br>perpetrator.<br><br>Speaking of perpetrators... Thank you,<br>anonymous survey-writer, for amusing our<br>tourists. In case you didn't come across<br>any examples before town authorities took<br>them down, readers, let me share with you<br>a small handful of the questions tourists<br>found themselves asked:<br><br> * Do you find Tamarack Falls A) boring<br> as all get-out, B) lost in the past,<br> C) depressingly far from the mall, or<br> D) full of nincompoops (good word use)<br> and nitwits?<br> * If your car is going to get stuck in a<br> place with no cell reception, where do<br> you think you'll be? A) on a road in<br> the middle of town, B) at the top of a<br> mountain surrounded by people whose<br> phones work just fine, or C) lost in a<br> farm full of maple trees, surrounded<br> by witches?<br> * Which festival is the most annoying?<br> A) apples, B) pumpkin, C) more apples,<br> or D) even more apples?<br><br>My answers, needless to say, are C, C,<br>and how can you not like apples?
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| − | ==September 05, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I would like<br>to thank the mysterious stranger who sent<br>me this darling little card. The message<br>inside of it is, regrettably, unprintable<br>even with convenient asterisks, so I will<br>not be able to share the details with the<br>public, but my little birdies tell me I'm<br>far from the only one to have received<br>one. Drunken cats on all of them, and all<br>of them hand drawn. Kudos, stranger. You<br>have some talent, and one heck of a <br>mouth on you.<br><br>The Game Warden, too, has quite the swear<br>jar-worthy vocabulary. Missy Lewis says<br>she heard him swearing up a blue streak<br>the other day after getting back to his<br>hut to find a crate full of rotting fish,<br>stinking the place up. A note was pinned<br>to it, too, to apologize for catching the<br>fish out of season.<br><br>In happier news, welcome back to school,<br>kids! I know it doesn't seem like it now,<br>but one day, you'll look back on these<br>years and wonder why you ever wanted to<br>grow up...unless you're a certain 8 year<br>old I spoke to this past week, who wants<br>the her big brother and his girlfriend<br>to know that they weren't nearly quiet<br>enough about their nocturnal adventures,<br>and that she found a pair of smiley-face<br>panties under the couch cushions.<br><br>Her prices to return them are negotiable.<br>For full disclosure, I have been paid two<br>chocolate and cinnamon bonbons to say so.<br><br>What are your plans for this school year,<br>kids? What do you want to see your<br>teachers teach? Let me know! You may end<br>up in the paper.
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| − | ==September 12, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, your votes<br>are in. We here at the Tamarack Times<br>have all taken a look-see at what the<br>children wrote, and here are the top ten<br>requests for teachers from grades 4-12:<br><br> * Ninja Class (Samson, age 10)<br> * How To Fly (Del, age 11) <br> * Superhero Lessons (Mariah, age 11)<br> * How To Endure Siblings (Ted, age 14)<br> * How To Paint It Black (Blake, age 16)<br> * The Effects Of Cow Farts (Amy, age 13)<br> * Nap Period (Melinda, age 18)<br> * Comparative Fishing (Jason, age 15)<br> * Matrix Code (Emilia, age 17)<br> * How To Be A God (Renbo, age 9)<br><br>Alright, teachers. You have your lesson<br>goals. Get crackin'!<br><br>Speaking of school, I have some hot<br>gossip from Patterson Middle School, this<br>week. It seems that nail polish has<br>become a source of contention among gangs<br>of students in different Houses. See, the<br>girls and boys alike decided on House<br>Colors after a poll last week, and this<br>week, I'm told there have been three<br>locker fights, two swirlies and a half<br>dozen arguments about girls AND boys who<br>wore the wrong colors to school.<br><br>Kids, may the color of your fingernails<br>remain the biggest problem in your lives.<br>Also, watch out. I went to high school<br>with your Principal, and he's a tough guy<br>to convince.<br><br>Following the colorful trend, I hear that<br>some congratulations are in order, Bobby!<br>Marilyn down at the bait shop says you<br>caught yourself a record-setting rainbow<br>trout. Just don't let that shark in the<br>lake eat it.<br><br>For that matter, I'd avoid the lake at<br>the moment, period. How on earth would<br>a shark that size GET there?
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| − | ==September 19, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I be talking<br>like a sea-dog rapscallion, yarrr. Happy<br>Talk Like A Pirate Day, folks! Seems like<br>someone was getting into the spirit a bit<br>early: I heard on the grapevine that a<br>silver chalice had been stolen from the<br>North Cathedral just the other day, right<br>out from under the noses of the priests.<br><br>Now, I don't condone theft, much less the<br>theft of holy items from churches, and I<br>have to say, anyone who'd do it had best<br>watch out for lightning. We'll be<br>watching, too, so we can find the crispy<br>critter.<br><br>I'm told that teachers down at Patterson<br>are starting to "zap" the students with<br>new rules about House conduct, too...<br><br>The pirate hats with feathers in House<br>colors WERE a clever touch, however.<br><br>Is everyone ready for the apple festival<br>next week? I hear that good ole' Mayor<br>Jack himself has been asked to be on the<br>judging committee for the pies. Jack,<br>you know you can count on me to record<br>each and every funny expression you make.<br>For posterity. What else are friends for?<br><br>Last but not least, on a slightly more<br>disturbing note, remember the Recyclable<br>Armada from a few weeks past? Well, I<br>was talking to Andrew and his friends a<br>few days ago, and they wanted me to let<br>you all know that they've decided to stop<br>using the river for their Naval battles.<br>He saw "someone really creepy and pale"<br>watching them at night, from the other<br>side of the river, and doesn't want his<br>mother to worry about him going missing<br>too.
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| − | ==September 26, 2019==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm sure we<br>have all seen the Sixers' flyers posted<br>around town. To them, I say: thank you<br>for keeping Crops and Bobbers in business<br>for another month. Thirteen grandmothers<br>and retirees have dyed their hair neon<br>pink this week, to, I quote, "show that<br>green-haired hussy what a real woman<br>should wear."<br><br>Ladies, ladies, please get your sources<br>straight. My hair is Tahitian Teal this<br>time around. Acid green was so last<br>season. Secondly, I do believe that we<br>are all real women, making choices of<br>our own, without being condemned for it.<br>Number Six was a wonderful adversary with<br>excellent taste in typewriters. The least<br>you can do is live up to his legacy.<br><br>Speaking of legacies, Tommy Attenborough<br>had best start worrying about his.<br>Cheating in an apple pie contest? Really?<br>Stop on by my place, Tommy, and I'll show<br>you how to bake a crust from scratch. You<br>don't even need to bribe me with bonbons.<br><br>I hear tell that Ricky Lambert, over in<br>the west valley by the old orchards, had<br>quite the shock, himself. He swears he<br>didn't do anything to his pumpkin patch,<br>but between one day and the next, his<br>prize-winning sugar pumpkins supposedly<br>grew a few hundred pounds larger. Now,<br>Ricky, honey. Are you sure you didn't<br>just have leaves over the fruit? You<br>know how big those are, how well they<br>can hide them. If not, tell me: did you<br>do anything to make a witch happy with<br>you, lately? Spare any black cats?<br><br>The real question here is how many of<br>your prize-winning pumpkin pies you'll <br>be baking out of that pumpkin's meat, and<br>whether or not you'll be sharing any with<br>the hard-working professionals down at<br>the Times...
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| − | ==October 3, 2019==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, the weather<br>may be gloomy, but the trees are glorious<br>and full. God, I love our state in Fall.<br>Don't forget to get your snow tires early<br>on, folks. We all know fiery trees mean<br>frosty eaves, soon enough.<br><br>We've had a quiet week, for which I am<br>thankful, and thank you, too, anonymous<br>letter-writer, for your response. I<br>couldn't agree more.<br><br>Everyone ready for the Halloween festival<br>coming up? I hear tell they're selecting<br>the judges for the costume competition<br>any day now, and Mayor Jack is on the<br>list. What do you think, Jack? Feeling<br>judgmental?<br><br>Missy Lefevre came for tea with me the<br>other day, and I hear there are congrat-<br>ulations due. Kudos, Missy, on getting<br>your fourth book published. I've read<br>them all, and I've got to say, your<br>imagination is really something. Realms<br>like that seem mighty terrifying to this<br>mere mortal, but gods are gods. <br><br>For those of you who aren't into specula-<br>tive fiction, try this on for size: three<br>tourists were caught this past Tuesday by<br>the cliff, getting ready to try going off<br>the edge in a home made barrel.<br><br>People, people, people, think here. That<br>cliff is at least two hundred feet, and<br>anyone who has gone down to the preserve<br>by the base of the 'falls will know how<br>many rocks there are. Please . Don't<br>throw your life away. Study the physics,<br>for Pete's sake. Even I know that, and<br>I managed to fail middle school science<br>classes twice. Word to the wise: tanking<br>your own grade to try getting out of a<br>class so you won't have to dissect frogs<br>is a bad plan. Doesn't work.
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| − | ==October 10, 2019==
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have our-<br>selves a sticky situation, folks. Not<br>naming names, but SOMEbody managed to ram<br>a truck full of maple syrup jugs into a<br>tree on his way toward the market, and it<br>smells like the road should be getting<br>out the griddle to start making pancakes<br>even after all that rain.<br><br>Let us know if you survive, mysterious<br>syrup-meister. Your uncle may never let<br>you see the light of day again after this<br>one.<br><br>On lighter news, I was out and about the<br>other day, and what did I hear but that<br>we have a new romance in town, worthy of<br>a Hallmark movie, too, by all I've been<br>told. Dr. Kensington, Miss Claire, I<br>hope you both will be very happy together<br>here in Tamarack Falls. If my spleen<br>ever starts to fall out of my whatever,<br>I know whom to call!<br><br>Now there's a question: CAN one's spleen<br>fall out of one's whatever? Here's a<br>second: where IS your spleen? In the old<br>days, I'd have said, "Go to the library!"<br>to find it out, but let's make this more<br>fun. First person to call in with the<br>right answer gets their name in the paper<br>next week. <br><br>While we're on the subject of spleens, I<br>will give bonus points to anyone who can<br>share just what your spleen does, and why<br>we vent them at each other. | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, we are a<br>month away from Valentine's Day, but that<br>isn't stopping the stores, is it? Thank<br>you, capitalism, for giving me cheap yet<br>delicious chocolate and peanut butter <br>hearts.<br><br>On the subject of hearts, get this: Mandy<br>Hart thought Monday was going to be just<br>another morning, woke up, made her coffee<br>and ate food which she has told me to say<br>was more healthy than the Boston creme<br>doughnut it actually was, when there came<br>a banging from her garage. In she went,<br>and lo and behold, her garbage bins were<br>a mess. Thinking it was a raccoon, she<br>tidied up, looked for holes, then forgot<br>all about it by the end of the work day.<br>Upon arriving home again, the garbage<br>bins were on the floor, along with the<br>garbage that was in them, and what did<br>she find but a PIG rooting around in it?<br>As it turns out, a tourist family's pet<br>had gotten loose, and there were happy,<br>oinky endings all around. What a way to<br>spend a Monday.<br><br>This was not the only animal sighting to<br>occur over the past week. <br><br>A showing of "Matilda" down at the ele-<br>mentary school this past weekend was <br>disrupted by a bleating stampede of<br>shaggy, smelly goats -- and the high-<br>schoolers who set them free there are<br>going to start doing some very fast<br>community service, aren't they, Samual? |
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| − | ==October 17, 2019== | + | ==January 23, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I am pleased<br>to announce that we have forty-seven<br>would-be spleen sleuths, but only six of<br>them got the question right. Thanks, Dr.<br>Kensington!<br><br>Kudos go to Anne Fry, Ninatt Kolshovik, <br>Adam Mundy, Jake Raymond, Leigh Irving<br>and Casey McMasters.<br><br>To answer the bonus question, folks, your<br>spleen helps filter blood, and no, it is<br>not a ventilation system. In the olden<br>days, shortly before troglodytes such as<br>yours truly were born, we didn't know a<br>whole lot about what our giblets did to<br>keep us all alive. Look up the 'humors'<br>if you're curious, but long story short,<br>your spleen used to hold your ill humor<br>and melancholy, and sometimes, you just<br>had to let all of that bad air out.<br><br>No, Johnny, that is not the same thing as<br>crop-dusting the entire row behind you at<br>the movie theater last Saturday. This <br>rumour brought to you by Johnny's cousin<br>Gloria, who requested that I state she<br>feels no shame in calling him out due to<br>the severe olfactory trauma suffered<br>during the incident.<br><br>Halloween is coming up, and the town is<br>starting to look mighty spooky at night.<br>Don't forget to start prepping your snow<br>gear, just in case. I know of two people<br>I could mention, but won't, who regretted<br>it last year and asked me to remind them.<br><br>Consider yourselves reminded!<br><br>I hear tell there was some drama at the<br>festival committee meeting, too. Shame on<br>you, Harold, for letting that tarantula<br>loose around Amazons like Henrietta Klein<br>and Patty Small. I hope its last meal was<br>a good one. If it starts pouring buckets<br>of rain on us, we'll know whom to blame. | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, it looks as<br>though we may have a new manicurist in<br>town! I hear tell that Lou and Bang Bang<br>down at Crops and Bobbers have been talk-<br>ing with a lovely stranger about settling<br>here. Lady, come stop by the office some<br>time and have a chat. I still have a bit<br>of that good coffee left that the office<br>vultures haven't managed to pilfer.<br><br>In other news, I finally snagged a source<br>young enough to clue me in on why we've<br>all been seeing glitter everywhere. Seems<br>like one of the local kids started a<br>viral trend on TikTok called "angel dust-<br>ing"... The original form called for some<br>sort of container of white glitter to be<br>placed above a doorway, with the aim of<br>having it fall onto the head of the next<br>person walking through, but one of the<br>younger ladies at the office has informed<br>me that receiving the glitter inside of<br>an envelope, and filming yourself doing<br>so, has also become a part of the trend.<br><br>Now, given the crisis going on with micro<br>plastics in our oceans, I did feel the<br>need to reach out to our mystery TikTok-<br>ker, and much to my pleasant surprise,<br>they had already established ground rules<br>requiring their followers to use eco-<br>glitters. Kudos, kid. You've got a good<br>head on those glitter-crowned shoulders.<br><br>Vazi, on the other hand... I have heard<br>a few conflicting opinions of how you<br>managed to break that ankle, kiddo. <br><br> 1. You were chasing a flying paper air-<br> plane and ran off the roof.<br> 2. You were out on the lawn and slipped.<br> 3. Your younger brother turned into a<br> whirling dervish of dooooom and your<br> ankle was sacrificed to the Lego gods<br> as tribute.<br><br>I'm going for Lego gods. If you have ever<br>had kids who had Legos, I know you will<br>be too. |
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| − | ==October 24, 2019== | + | ==January 30, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we are reap-<br>ing the fruit of last week's tarantula<br>slaughtering incident. Let's hope the<br>weather clears before the festivities<br>next week , or this will be one soggy<br>Spook-a-Thon. <br><br>If you haven't tried it yet, I heartily<br>suggest attempting the corn maze down<br>by the airport. It's a bit of a drive<br>for those of us up here in town, but the<br>carnival team has really outdone them-<br>selves this year with the decorations. I<br>hear tell you can dress up as a zombie<br>and scare the ever-living daylights out<br>of your friends, too, but I wouldn't<br>know anything about doing that myself.<br><br>Don't listen to Christopher Higgins. He<br>clearly hasn't watched enough monster<br>movies, since he walked around the corner<br>and didn't even LOOK.<br><br>Molly, you have my apologies for the<br>dirty laundry.<br><br>In less frightening news, I hear we have<br>a new crusader zooming around town. Does<br>wearing a cape make him a superhero? I'm<br>assuming it's a he, but do forgive me if<br>I'm wrong, noble hero, and keep up the<br>good work writing the wrongs of the<br>townsfolk. You read that correctly: this<br>hero is the one leaving those little<br>paper pyramids on doorsteps. I'm told I<br>had some recycling in my garbage bin this<br>week, for which I apologize, hero.<br><br>If anyone else would like a public forum<br>to air their sins, the Tamarack Times<br>Gossip Column would be happy to assist... | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, I've got a<br>cute one for us. A special someone (hint<br>hint, his name rhymes with 'hill' and he<br>owns a bar here in town) is turning 65<br>next week, and he may or may not be get-<br>ting a present from a mysterious benefac-<br>tor... If I were he, I'd keep an eye out.<br>That gift looked hot!<br><br>In related news, kudos to your son, Bill,<br>though I have seldom had more cause to<br>use the 'facepalm' emoji than I did this<br>past weekend. For folks new to the area,<br>Bill's son is a trainee for the local<br>volunteer firefighters. A tourist slipped<br>and fell over the southern bridge into<br>the Tam, and they're okay, thanks to Bill<br>and some good bystanders, but they<br>wouldn't have fallen in the first place<br>if they hadn't been bending backwards<br>upside down over the edge of the railing<br>to get a selfie... Their GoPro was not<br>rescued, and neither, I'm told, was their<br>smartphone. Seriously, people. No selfie<br>is worth your life. Hypothermia is not a<br>joke.<br><br>That said, I'm human, and I can't help<br>but laugh at the selfie fails I've seen<br>on the internet. Let's turn this around<br>and check on YOU, my lovely readers: what<br>is YOUR most hilarious selfie fail?<br><br>Last but not least, for disclosure, Emma<br>Richards has paid me in Cadbury Creme<br>Eggs to publically state the following:<br>she heard on the grapevine that her long-<br>time boyfriend, who broke up with her<br>last Spring, has recently been accepted<br>into the NASA space program, and she<br>hopes he does so well that he becomes one<br>of the next astronauts to land on the<br>Moon...and stays there, preferably alone<br>and choking on his own hot air.<br><br>Sorry, Dave. Shouldn't have done that. |
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| − | ==October 31, 2019== | + | ==February 6, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, unsurprising<br>to anyone who knows humanity, we actually<br>have a fair number of people wanting to<br>air the caped hero's sin-notes.<br><br>For politeness' sake, names will be left<br>out. They know who they are.<br><br> * Left a grocery bag on her porch, which<br> blew away and got stuck in a tree. She<br> would like the hero to know that she<br> did mean to pick it up again, but for-<br> got to grab it after finding out that<br> the cat had shredded three sets of<br> furniture upholstery, then vomited all<br> over it.<br> * Danced naked in the back yard.<br> * Didn't close curtains while neighbor<br> was dancing naked in the back yard.<br> * Didn't help a little old lady cross<br> the street when she was struggling to<br> haul a bag of groceries around. I'm<br> just glad nobody suggested that I was<br> the little old lady, this time!<br> * Three separate people received bluejay<br> notes to say that they had jaywalked.<br><br>On a different note, happy Halloween,<br>folks! Keep it safe out there, and if<br>you have any extra cinnamon bon-bons you<br>can't find a home for, you know where to<br>send them.<br><br>I haven't been able to learn whether or<br>not this one is true, but it was too good<br>to resist putting into the column. There<br>may or may not have been a Thriller flash<br>mob at the gas station down in the city,<br>which I'm sorry I missed, if it did occur<br>at all... What fun event these days isn't<br>captured on ANY smartphones?<br><br>Karen, capturing fewer people on your own<br>smartphone would make your mother's China<br>plates much happier in future. A little<br>birdy tells me they're in more pieces<br>than Adam's attempt at building a shed<br>out of scrap wood. | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, angel dust<br>has officially been sanctioned, and not<br>in the good way, in a town hall meeting.<br>Local EMTs took three people down to the<br>hospital after a massive glitter-splosion<br>accident where balloons half-filled with<br>"angel dust" were popped by accident, all<br>at once, by a falling ladder at the Town<br>Hall itself, sending pounds of the stuff<br>right into eyes and airways.<br><br>On the bright side, you can be proud of<br>one thing: you, and your TikTok friends,<br>have leveraged your fifteen seconds of<br>fame to get glitter officially labeled a<br>disturbance to the peace.<br><br>Envelope-form only, kids.<br><br>Now, I do have some bad news. Nettle<br>won't be staying on as our new manicurist<br>after all, but she says she has enjoyed<br>getting to know the ladies, and some of<br>the gentlemen, of the town in the short<br>while she has been here. We wish her all<br>the best in her new life as a millionaire<br>lottery winner, lucky duck. When I asked<br>her about her plans, she said she and her<br>hubby have decided to find their dream<br>home in the hills of Italy, and intend to<br>spend their days posting YouTube videos<br>of their costumed cats putting on feline<br>versions of Shakespeare.<br><br>To each her own, but I'll keep an eye out<br>for those videos, Nettle. Tombu is one<br>cute cat.<br><br>Now, as much as I would love to write all<br>of the entries we received for most<br>embarrassing selfies, my editor has asked<br>me to poll the office for the top three,<br>and these are the result:<br><br> 1. When taking a selfie on a windy tower<br> overseas, she who shall remain name-<br> less at her own request felt quite a<br> sudden breeze down below when her new<br> sarong slipped free of her hips. <br> This wouldn't have been as much of an<br> issue if she weren't wearing her last<br> pair of "emergencies only" panties...<br> with holes in awkward places.<br> 2. Every time this gentleman would try<br> to get a picture of himself to send<br> out to a dating service, his cat Pogo<br> would somehow photo-bomb the shot,<br> until he eventually gave in and just<br> held the cat.<br> 3. A young woman thought she looked fab,<br> and went to take a selfie of herself<br> down in Riverside Park. Satisfied,<br> she posted the picture to her social<br> media accounts, only to receive <br> message after message asking her<br> about the dogs. Puzzled by this, she<br> looked more closely at the selfie,<br> and lo and behold, a pair of dog-<br> walkers were chatting on a bench, and<br> their pooches were doing it, doggy-<br> style of course, behind them.<br><br>Immortalized by the internet. Ever wonder<br>what aliens would think about our species<br>if they watched what we post for the <br>universe to see? |
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| − | ==November 07, 2019== | + | ==February 13, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope you<br>are all floating along the happy river of<br>after-Halloween chocolate sales. I know<br>I am.<br><br>In more serious news, Mr. Toby Baggins of<br>Bag-End Enterprises would like me to<br>inform you all that he can't help what<br>his parents found amusing as a company<br>name, but he CAN help the world use fewer<br>plastic bags. As for me? I could use a<br>lot more jokes about that name, but Toby,<br>I respect what your company's trying to<br>do.<br><br>I do not, however, respect the stinker<br>who left a burning paper bag of doggy poo<br>on Mrs. Malcolm's doorstep. Shame on you<br>for that. Even if she is a math teacher,<br>she's still better than a flaming pile of<br>canine plops.<br><br>Anyone ever wonder where the businesses<br>will stop? My inbox is full of burning<br>sales, hot sales, pre-pre-pre-pre-pre<br>Black Friday sales... We're barely one<br>week into November, and already, every<br>storefront's full of Christmas. What ever<br>happened to taking time to appreciate the<br>season?<br><br>We've got the First Snow celebration soon<br>if the weather folks are right, so don't<br>forget to ask your local rangers where<br>the wild holly is growing on the mountain<br>this year.<br><br>Speaking of celebrations, who's excited<br>to try their luck with the Frozen Bread<br>Guy contest this winter? We may not get<br>to it until December at this rate, with<br>snowfalls as low as they've been, but<br>who knows? We could have a deep enough<br>snow pack by Thanksgiving. I'm looking<br>forward to being beaten by schoolchildren<br>with a much better grasp on chemistry,<br>myself. Challenge accepted, Mr. Berger.<br>Challenge accepted. | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>Kip Kensington-esque Valentine's Day fail<br>to share with you all. No, sadly, Kip<br>himself is not a part of it. Kip, you're<br>being entirely too circumspect lately.<br><br>But enough of Kip. On to today's gossip!<br>Upon waking up yesterday morning, the 80-<br>year old Mrs. Mitchell, a retired school<br>counselor, looked out her front door and<br>saw that she had a package waiting. Not<br>having ordered anything recently, she was<br>curious nonetheless, and the anonymity of<br>the box and its sender really should have<br>been a clue.<br><br>Long story short: a delivery of very sexy<br>toys and playthings spilled out in rubber<br>and lace all over her table...<br><br>Thankfully, a very "loving" note inside<br>the box sent with the items did include<br>the name of the intended recipient, a<br>young woman who lived in the house next<br>door. Let this be a lesson to all who<br>order gifts online: double-check your<br>delivery addresses, or you could send<br>kinky sex toys to grandmothers with heart<br>conditions.<br><br>Speaking of delving, have you all been<br>watching the news? What do you think<br>about prospectors looking at the mine<br>again? The town could use the money, as<br>Mayor Jack would be quick to agree, but<br>is it worth it to have all that noise<br>and fuss? Why don't we just make it a<br>historic landmark and be done with all<br>of this?<br><br>In lighter news, parents, don't forget to<br>pay a visit to the library on Main Street<br>before Saturday. There's a kiddie pool<br>of Goldfish crackers and a challenge to<br>guess how many are in the pool for you<br>and your kidlets to win. If you don't<br>have time to go in person, you can also<br>submit bets online, at the library web-<br>site. |
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| − | ==November 14, 2019== | + | ==February 20, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This%bweek%bin%bTamarack%bFalls,%bam%bI%bgood%bor%ram%bI%bgood?%b%bFirst%bSnow%bwas%ba%bdefinite%bhit%rthis%b%byear,%b%bas%b%bfar%b%bas%b%bmy%b%bsources%bare%rconcerned.%b%bGood%bjob,%bfolks,%band%bgood%bjob%rto%bthe%bholly%bbushes,%btoo,%b%bfor%bgrowing%bso%rwell.%r%rEmma,%bI%bwould%bsay%bgood%bjob,%bbut%bI'm%bstill%rnot%bsure%bhow%byou%bmanaged%bto%blose%bboth%bthe%rshoe%b%band%bthe%bpants%bon%byour%bway%bdown%bthat%rhillside.%b%bI'll%bsettle%bfor%bbeing%bglad%byou%rdidn't%bcrack%byour%bhead%bopen.%bYou%bknow%ball%rthose%bstories%babout%blips%bas%bred%bas%bblood,%rskin%bas%b%bwhite%bas%bsnow?%b%bYou%breally%bdon't%rwant%b%bto%bbe%bthat%bprincess.%b%bPromise.%b%bThe%rjob%bis%bnot%bworth%bthe%bsunscreen.%r%rI%bhear%btell%bthere%bwas%ba%bbit%bof%ba%bsnafu%bat%rthe%bWinter%bPalace,%btoo...%b%bKurt,%b%byou%bare%ra%bdarling%bboy,%bbut%bwhen%byour%bmama%bsays%bto%rkeep%b%byour%b%bclothes%b%bon%b%bin%b%bpublic,%b%byou%b%rshould%bdo%bwhat%bshe%bsays.%b%bThe%b'no%bshirts,%rno%bshoes'%bsign%bdoesn't%b%bmean%bto%btake%bthem%roff.%b%bHard%b%bto%bbelieve%byou're%bgetting%bold%renough%bto%bread%balready.%r%rSpeaking%b%bof%b%bsmall%b%bchildren,%b%bis%banyone%rmissing%ba%bcat?%b%bWe've%b%bhad%b%bthree%bof%bthem%rshow%bup%bhere%bat%bthe%boffice,%band%bthey%bsure%rseem%b%blike%b%bdomestics.%b%bEither%b%bthat,%b%bor%rthey%bare%bfeline%bcon%bartists%battempting%bto%rsurvive%bthe%bwinter,%bwhich%bI%bwould%bnot%bput%rpast%bthem.%b%bWe'll%bpost%b%bphotos%bon%bthe%bWeb%rfor%bfolks%bto%blook%bat,%bbut%b%bin%b%bthe%b%bmean-%rwhile,%bI%bhave%ba%bnew%bfuzzy%boverlord%bto%bget%rcatnip%bfor. | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, as it turns<br>out, cats really do know best about gold-<br>fish. Jack Desrochers Jr. is the winner<br>of the kiddie-pool contest, but the real<br>prize should be going to Bojangles, who,<br>I'm told, stood on the numpad, then sat<br>his fuzzy patoot down right on top of Mr.<br>Desrochers' mouse-hand. <br><br>Jack, you should know better than to ig-<br>nore Bojangles. You know what happened<br>last time.<br><br>Now, Rocco, what's this I hear about you<br>and that colorful young woman talking<br>about moving in together? Dana Shelley<br>says she overheard you two chatting about<br>looking for a place. And here I thought<br>that girl had better taste... Guess all<br>it takes to melt a heart of ice is a<br>washed up (please, wash up) punk rocker<br>with a mouth in need of soap.<br><br>Johnny Quilby knows all about mouths in<br>need of soaping, now, doesn't he? Shame<br>on you, teaching your baby brother to say<br>those bad words. Thank you for the laughs<br>we all got here at the office, however,<br>from watching the videos you posted on<br>the internet... Just wait until he gets a<br>little older and learns what those words<br>all mean. I'm surprised YOU do.<br><br>The rangers have a new one for us, too,<br>and I could have done without this one...<br>Evidently, a herd of deer has somehow<br>decided to use a particular section of<br>the forest as their personal toilet. He<br>has never seen so much deer crap in his<br>career, and he hopes he never sees that<br>much again. Or steps in it.<br><br>Mr. Fry, I hope so too, and please let me<br>know how my bribe of movie tickets for<br>you and your wife work out, for telling<br>me which valley to avoid. |
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| − | ==November 21, 2019== | + | ==February 27, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>informed that Rocco would never consent<br>to the degree of cleanliness and non-<br>smoking which would be required to cohab-<br>itate with November.<br><br>Crushing our dreams of romance in the bud<br>seems to be a theme, lately, but don't<br>you worry, readers. Sit at Crossroads<br>Cafe long enough and you'll see exactly<br>what I mean.<br><br>Speaking of the cafe, Elmer, if I were<br>you, I'd give up on the giant bouquets of<br>roses and go for something subtler. A<br>nice necklace, or a bracelet... Why, I've<br>heard rumours of a new jeweler setting up<br>shop down in the city at the farmer's<br>market. She doesn't have much stock, but<br>she says she's made it all herself, and<br>my sources claim the gems look real,<br>engraved silver, filigree pendants, semi-<br>precious stones and all.<br><br>We're getting closer to March, and the<br>time of green beer approaches. I got a<br>sneak peek at the vats over at I Feel<br>Hoppy this week, and the brewery is kick-<br>ing into gear, big-time. <br><br>What do you think? What's your ideal<br>green in beer? If I'm going to be <br>drinking dye, I'd want to go all the way<br>in, but on the other hand, if they can<br>use natural ingredients to achieve simi-<br>lar coloration without sacrificing<br>flavor, which they claim they are going<br>to do, why not? |
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| − | ==November 28, 2019== | + | ==March 05, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>new brawl under our collective belts! I'm<br>pleased to say that, while patrons of the<br>library were disturbed by the noise out-<br>side, the two sisters involved, Merle<br>Dalton and Sophia Caruso, were courteous<br>enough to keep the fight to words instead<br>of blows. Why, I even heard bits of it<br>myself, through my little office window,<br>incoherent though it was. From what I've<br>gathered, folks say it was ultimately one<br>of the employees at Crossroads Cafe who<br>came out and broke it up. Those are some<br>tough women. I'm not surprised.<br><br>Speaking of Crossroads Cafe...<br><br>A tall, long-haired eccentric whom my<br>sources call Ishmael had a bit of a glit-<br>ter problem there. To be more specific,<br>he blew glitter all over that lovely<br>young lady, Saga, during breakfast.<br>Frankly, I'm surprised he was let inside<br>the building in the first place. Isn't it<br>supposed to be "No shirt, no SHOES, no<br>service"?<br><br>I've heard a few comments from the staff<br>over at Sweet Treats, too, about a man of<br>similar description loitering there for<br>an entire day. If he'd been doing some-<br>thing useful, they said, they wouldn't<br>have cared as much about his bare minimum<br>purchases and cheapo ways, but reading a<br>book with no text in it? Really?<br><br>As bizarre as this town can be, I have no<br>doubt he'll fit in just fine.<br><br>Last but not least, that freak hail storm<br>yesterday spooked part of the Fry dairy<br>herd, and I'm told they'll be looking for<br>some construction workers in the near<br>future, to replace the fencing scaredy-<br>cows broke through...<br><br>No one was hurt, and the ladies were re-<br>covered safely. They're in another field<br>for now, but don't you worry. I've been<br>assured that they'll be back home in a<br>jiffy. |
Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.
Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.
This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.
