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| | This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety. | | This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety. |
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| − | ==March 16 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all <br>learned the value of not trusting Jimmy <br>Miller when he says his dog is smart. <br>No smart dog would run in front of a <br>plow going full-tilt, but the vet says <br>the pup's going to recover just in time <br>for the Spring tourist season and <br>chasing muddy motorcycles. <br> <br>What isn't going to recover? Maddy <br>Nichols' flower beds, seeing as Mr. <br>Miller ran that plow up over the curb. <br>Lopped the heads right off four of the <br>gnomes, too.<br><br>A newcomer got in a good brawl this <br>past weekend in front of Cyclone, too, <br>and that makes the sixth since the new <br>bar opened. Six fights in a month. <br>What does this mean for you, my readers?<br>Jack squat. The Mayor, I have it from a <br>reliable source, has no intention of <br>telling that nice young lady off.<br></span>
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| − | ==March 23 2017== | + | {| width="70%" style="padding:20px; border:1px solid whitesmoke;" |
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, Spring has <br>sprung, and what it's sprung is a great<br>big leak. Word to the wise: don't let <br>your pipes freeze like a certain<br>somebody down on Main Street, or you get<br>what they got: a hefty bill and soggy<br>floors.<br><br>Keep those faucets dripping!<br><br>Speaking of dripping, now, I don't <br>usually go for the dark meat, but <br>there's a huge hunk of stranger around<br>town who's more than enough to warm my <br>oven. I'm minded to ask him over for a<br>cup of sugar, if Lou and BangBang don't <br>get to him first.<br><br>Seems there's been banging of a <br>different kind up on the mountain. Odd <br>noises in the mine, lights at night. <br>I'd keep my teenagers pent tight if I <br>had any. Never know what those kids<br>will go and get into.<br></span>
| + | | colspan="3" style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | Archives for posts from previous years are located at the links below: |
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| | + | | style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2017|March-December 2017]]''' |
| | + | | style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2018|January-December 2018]]''' |
| | + | | style="font-size:110%; font-family:open sans;" | '''[[Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2019|January-December 2019]]''' |
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| − | ==March 30 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the town<br>had its first shooting in a long, long<br>while. All of you coffee addicts will<br>have to get your fix elsewhere, because<br>this columnist is told by a reliable <br>source that the Crossroads Cafe is going<br>to be closed until Friday morning. Hope<br>the owner's taking time to write up how<br>she wants that story told.<br><br>Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied <br>with my own little eye none other than <br>Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in <br>one mighty big hurry. Can't be <br>drinking, because we all know the Mayor<br>would never touch lip to bottle on the <br>job. Isn't that right, Suzanne?<br><br>I don't know about you, but I've heard <br>some mighty fine things about our Miller <br>boys this season for the roads, as much <br>snow as we've been getting, and I'm <br>giving them a shout-out for a job well<br>done. Now if only they could do it<br>without shirts... Hubba hubba. Rest <br>assured, if you boys ever want to do a <br>calendar for charity, the Enid Schmitt <br>Foundation will gladly accept your kind <br>donation.<br><br>
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| − | ==April 06 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've seen<br>what happens when you drive a motor bike<br>into a river. We've also seen what<br>happens when your mother finds out about<br>it, haven't we, Jimmy?<br><br>Don't stop. You provide so many column<br>inches.<br><br>Got some delicious hints swirling around<br>town this week of a new baker on the<br>loose, but no one's owning up to leaving<br>cupcakes on doorsteps just yet, or what<br>exactly those sprinkles on top were made<br>of. Watch out, Martha. You could have<br>some competition.<br><br>Watch out for moose!<br><br>Heard tell one of the farmers west of <br>town had an antlered visitor attempting<br>to make nice with his Morgans the other<br>day. She wasn't having any, and that's<br>a damn shame, with a rack like that.<br></span>
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| − | ==April 13 2017== | + | ==January 2, 2020== |
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is<br>busy busy busy, and so is the gossip! <br><br>With Easter only days away, you'd think<br>people would know better than to go egg-<br>tossing at police cars, wouldn't you,<br>Mikey? Once you're done hand washing <br>all of the squad cars, mind coming over<br>to do mine?<br><br>I've seen a lovely young lady out and<br>about a-wandering this week, but no<br>handsome young lad to accompany her on<br>the riverbank. Watch the east, now. <br>Things on that side get slippery.<br><br>The mystery cupcakes continue!<br><br>Who IS our secretive pastry chef? Lou<br>and Bang Bang say they're offering a<br>free hair cut to anyone who can identify<br>the source of their decadent delectables<br>this week.<br><br></span>
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| − | ==April 27 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had<br>an exciting go of it, but if you don't<br>like tall, dark, mysterious strangers,<br>why do we care anyway? This man rolled<br>in on a bus at an ungodly hour, I tell<br>you, I've heard it from a reputable<br>source myself, wearing all black, and<br>talked with a few foreigners for hours.<br>Just who is this mystery man, and how<br>can I convince him to come over for MY<br>coffee? Hubba hubba.<br><br>Certain indiscretions were overheard, <br>I'm told, at the Crossroads Cafe. Now<br>I wasn't there myself, but in my humble<br>opinion, people with so many secrets <br>really ought to be better at keeping <br>them. Most folks aren't so pleased <br>about going to court, young man. Be <br>careful what you say.<br><br>Be careful what you eat, too, because by<br>golly these cupcakes just keep coming. <br>Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come <br>up and lie about baking them again. <br>I've tasted your cooking, and it's <br>enough to make a cat laugh!<br></span>
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| − | ==May 04 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had<br>a delicious little peccadillo at the new<br>bookstore in town. I've had reliable <br>reports of more than one romantic <br>entanglement gone wrong, and, even <br>better, I hear tell a lady stormed out<br>altogether after a certain pint-sized <br>bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.<br><br>Hot sales at Homepage! Thefts, too. A<br>few books seem to be missing, but with<br>the owner such a hot item, I wouldn't<br>presume to wonder why...<br><br>Speaking of shopkeepers, someone ought<br>to set up a secret sale over at <br>Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got<br>some folks who can't keep their mouths<br>shut in public. There are better<br>places to chit-chat about local queens, <br>and if I'm hearing about it, how many <br>others are?<br><br>If you haven't been down to the Evelyn <br>Miller Memorial Gardens yet, do it, <br>because showers of white petals are<br>about as close to snowfall as I want to <br>think about right now. Is Winter over?<br></span>
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| − | ==May 11 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the rising<br>temps have seen a corresponding rise in<br>idiots thinking the signs about rapid<br>currents are for amateurs. Really,<br>Megan, you didn't have to prove your<br>parents right BEFORE you left for<br>college. They always told you not to<br>date him. This is why. Go have a<br>coffee, meet a handsome god. Have a<br>fling you'll never forget.<br><br>Speaking of flinging with gods, trouble<br>in paradise? Forget what I said last<br>week about a secret-share. We just need<br>a full-time time-share with that cutey<br>Hazel on the Crossroads Cafe, Thom,<br>because she's giving us a spot with so<br>much material! And men. The men!<br><br>The screaming, the throwing, the drama,<br>la, c'est vraiment magnifique!<br><br>Last week's book owner gave us all<br>another stunning example of what NOT to<br>do in a relationship, and hoo boy, let<br>me tell you, kid, skirt-hopping after<br>popping your cherry with a girl is not<br>a way to make a friend. I could use<br>your name, but then, you already had<br>it shouted across the entire cafe.<br>There's such a thing as pity. <br><br>Have mine.<br></span>
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| − | ==May 18 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have to<br>applaud the folks trying to hook me up <br>with Bigfoot. Don't get me wrong. I <br>like...big...men as much as the next <br>woman, but the hair? Would YOU want <br>that between your teeth? Nice try, <br>kiddos.<br><br>Speaking of big men, I hear tell that<br>Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.<br>Tough to get prettier than he is, and my<br>reliable source confirms that they went<br>quite out of their way to have a very,<br>very expensive bite to eat. Keep the<br>beauties here, folks! Someone go get<br>rich and build a fancy restaurant called<br>Something Blue. Pay me a nice juicy<br>commission and the IP's yours!<br><br>Sadly, not everyone is hooking up this<br>week. Sorry, Betsy. I told you, lemon<br>juice down under on date night, not a<br>good idea. What guy wants his girl to<br>show up with yellow unmentionables? Not<br>any I know, that's for sure. Heard tell<br>of an oddball breakup at Crossroads<br>Cafe, too. Who'd WRITE their breakup<br>lines and hand them to a guy instead of<br>SAYING them? Then again, given who it<br>was, staying quiet's an improvement.<br>Sorry, kid. Stop by the paper some time<br>for a bad coffee.<br></span>
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| − | ==May 25 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, there was<br>quite the commotion over at our favorite<br>sap's book store. The way I hear it,<br>while the girl behind the counter tried<br>to hush it up with louder music,<br>customers report a woman shouting at<br>someone (three guesses who), and even<br>something shattering. Hoo boy, this<br>kid's a treat! Never leave. You make<br>my job a breeze, Kip.<br><br>Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?<br>Had a few muscled young farmers (hubba<br>hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying<br>around, no falconer in sight.<br><br>Mary Adams was mighty breezy, too, the<br>other day. What are you trying to do,<br>be Vermont's soggy Monroe? Who wears<br>white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?<br>Love the neon piglets on the<br>unmentionables.<br><br>Last but not least, catch it quick. I<br>hear they're power washing that horrible<br>wall lickety split to get it off.<br>Someone went and (spray)painted the city<br>red, some poem about sorrow and love<br>scribbled all over the side of a<br>building down by the corner of Rockdove<br>and Mack. Police are looking for the<br>artist to give them a talking to, and so<br>am I! I've got to know, how DID they<br>climb that wall? Do we have ourselves a<br>brand new Spiderman?<br></span>
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| − | ==June 02 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had<br>a positive dearth (that's an SAT word,<br>Sally, but you wouldn't know that, on <br>account of skipping school to play with<br>Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from<br>the town's favorite bookstore owner.<br><br>Kip, you disappoint us.<br><br>News from Fort Brunsett says that local<br>Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity<br>like it's going out of style. The food<br>bank's sure to thank him, but where's<br>our cut? Hungry newspaper services need<br>to snack! I have a particular fondness<br>for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.<br><br>Those of you of a mind to go joining a <br>cult have got a new temple, I'm told. <br>Haven't visited myself, but reliable <br>sources say it's a hoot. Night club, <br>Fort Brunsett, keep your teens on <br>leashes, parents, because it sounds like<br>something right up their alley.<br><br>Last but not least, oh ho, not least by<br>far, we have a lovely contribution from <br>one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat. I hear <br>there was quite the handsome stud the <br>other day, took his clothes right off to <br>wash them all buck naked. A cowboy hat <br>over the fun bits really does ruin some <br>of the joy, but mister, whoever you are, <br>that grandmother says you can give her a <br>show whenever you like! Ladies, it's <br>time to break your washer and head to <br>the Laundromat because there's more than <br>suds perking up around there!<br></span>
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| − | ==June 08 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we<br>had a record number of Web hits for SAT<br>words to stump me with. Try harder. <br><br>I have a few for you, my rabid readers:<br> * semaphore<br> * duress<br> * substantiate<br><br>They are all, one is certain, quite <br>appropriate words to use when describing<br>the delectable moaning at a certain <br>bookstore owner's table this week. <br>Surrounded by two women, no less.<br>In public. Kip, Kip, groupies already. <br><br>It sounds like one of those moaners is <br>prepping for a street fair, soon, and <br>wants me to get wet along with her. Far <br>be it from me to deny dunk tanks for <br>charity.<br><br>Hear that, Lou? That's the sound of a<br>good dye job spiraling down the drain,<br>and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.<br></span>
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| − | ==June 15 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &<br>State" by a mystery admirer. Patron's a<br>little masculine, don't you think? I'll<br>put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm<br>up for titles, folks. Or Maven. That's<br>much better. What do YOU think?<br><br>The bonbons were delicious. Thank you!<br><br>Speaking of admirers, Tommy, you know <br>that little word Rebecah told you at the<br>farm? I hear you didn't. Also, keep a <br>better eye out for security cameras next<br>time you and the boys want to <br>'anonymously' egg my house, and at least <br>dye the shells first. White's so <br>ordinary, don't you think?<br><br>I hear tell the statue down on <br>Stagbridge got itself a golden surprise <br>of its own, not to mention any of the <br>cars driving past it. I think my tires <br>aspire toward pole-dancing, as much <br>glitter as they've got in their treads. <br>Gallons of gold glitter, I can see. The <br>gold top hat and suit? Sure hope they <br>don't want those back. I distinctly <br>recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.<br></span>
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| − | ==June 22 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have the<br>inestimable joy of reporting that our<br>much-reported Kip is back in the paper:<br><br>HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!<br><br>Which of your girlfriends did you invite<br>to the party?<br><br>If you haven't checked out our local<br>Instagram princess, take a gander at <br>Franklyn Garreau. Then again, reliable<br>sources indicate she may be dating C.B.<br>Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?<br><br>I don't know about poaching, but setting<br>hearts on fire is one thing. Setting<br>hunks of fence on fire is something<br>altogether different, and the volunteer<br>firefighters are still looking for the<br>culprit on that one. Who needs a<br>bonfire in THIS weather?<br><br>No, Henrietta, despite best efforts to<br>the contrary, the burning smell down by<br>the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's<br>caboose. What sound DOES a frying pan<br>full of hot potatoes make against bare <br>skin?<br></span>
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| − | ==June 29 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell<br>we have a man down in the city who needs<br>to be disabused of his avian heredity. I<br>don't know what drugs he was on, but if<br>they can make a guy jump out of a tree<br>forty feet high, they've got to be some-<br>thing. Kids, don't do drugs. Hospital<br>bills are killers.<br><br>So are hunters, but it's not a hunter<br>bugging deer this time. Seems there was<br>a fight down at the The Union bar, not<br>unusual, Alexanders being Alexanders.<br>The hotties in blue didn't want it to <br>get out, but come, officers, how can we<br>resist? The deer was cheating, see. It<br>helped the other guy out, but in my<br>humble opinion, the deer's the real <br>victim here; it already died once. Let's<br>leave that buck alone.<br><br>Last but not least, this juicy tidbit <br>was witnessed by yours truly down at the<br>Crossroads Cafe just yesterday. Is our<br>favorite Kip being left behind? Mina, I<br>have to say, you look fabulous. Unlike<br>your choice in men.<br><br>Really, that hair? <br><br>Sid, darling, thank you for the flower.<br>Get a tailor. And a hairdresser. Don't<br>forget a barber.<br></span>
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| − | ==July 06 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;">-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------<br><br> LETTER to the EDITOR<br><br>Dear Ms. Schmitt, reputations in public. Is this what<br> the area's populace consider<br>Since no one else will condemn your "entertainment"? Are you making a<br>travesty of a column, it falls upon living off the suffering of others?<br>me to do so. Then you need to stop and consider<br> what you're doing, not just what<br>In an area the size of the Fort generates more subscribers for your<br>Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column newspaper.<br>like yours can only sow strife and <br>discord. You're no doubt aware of the I will be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,<br>damage your column does, but you and I know I'm not the only one. We <br>continue thanks to "loyal" readership the people will not be silenced or<br>who likely slaver for whatever scraps intimidated by your petty, small-town <br>you deign to give them. small-mindedness. Remember that you<br> are a public figure, and public<br>You should be ashamed of yourself. I figures have a duty to do right by the<br>have personally witnessed or heard public.<br>tales of your column threatening <br>relationships, striking unnecessary Be seeing you,<br>terror into the hearts of the timid, <br>and causing people to fear for their Number Six <br><br>-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------<br> <br> T A M A R A C K T I M E S trouble was looming overhead.<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT <br> Even Jack's. Don't listen to protests<br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have otherwise.<br>the unalloyed joy of a threatening <br>letter to report, my rabid readers! It Second, I do have rather a lovely <br>slanders my reputation, which I am word affair with Kip, don't I? He is<br>perfectly capable of doing on my own, an exquisite example of the male<br>darling Six, and claims a conspiracy species. By drawing attention to the<br>of watchers -- just for me! pairings I do, I serve a social<br> purpose beyond my own pleasure, <br>I'm flattered. Truly. though I will be first to assure you<br> that writing about Kip is never dull.<br>Also, typewriters are fantastic, and <br>I would love to chat with you about Gossip brings people together.<br>the ink you used. I have an Olympia <br>myself, manual of course. There's Social rules these days aren't written<br>something so authentic about using in a book. We live them. By shining<br>equipment which will last a hundred the light of day on transgressions, I<br>years. show the community where it could use<br> a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,<br>Don't you agree? I make them laugh about it. We're a<br> small town in a great big world.<br>I do, however, disagree with you on <br>several points. Let us address them in Does the entire town need to know that<br>order, shall we? Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies<br> underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday<br>First, size has nothing to do with afternoon at church? Probably not,<br>the media's ability to influence the but the shame of it will keep the girl<br>public. It is our duty and our from doing it again, now, won't it,<br>privilege to report, faithfully, the Essie?<br>issues of the modern era. In my case, <br>this being an entertainment column, Does the entire town need to know that<br>yes, dear, revenues do indicate a I admired the hot new teller at the <br>significant value in my opinions, and hardware store? Probably not, but he<br>I have the personal gratitude of many should be a firefighter so I can get a<br>who would otherwise never have known calendar and think about my misspent<br> youth...<br><br></span>
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| − | ==July 13 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>delighted by the show of support from my<br>loyal readers. Thank you for your<br>letters, ladies and gents.<br><br>As for Six... Surely you were joking.<br>Telling me to throw my darling <br>typewriter out a window is not the <br>commentary of a man who truly respects <br>his machines. <br><br>On better news, our beloved Kip has used<br>the kerfuffle to earn money for the <br>local library, for which I thank him, <br>and I only regret he wasn't there to <br>sell me my 'E' pin all by himself. <br>He did, however, give me my very own, <br>via Ms. Green, for which I thank him. I<br>always knew I was a Queen!<br><br>Speaking of queens, I hear tell one of <br>Kip's many ladies may be hitting the <br>stage again, and wouldn't that be a <br>treat? Break a leg, Mina! I forgive<br>your lapse in judgement. <br><br>For the rest of the Sixers out there, I<br>fully expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a<br>la West Side Story, down Main Street.<br>Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,<br>can't you? I know you will.<br></span>
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| − | ==July 20 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>a record number of fender benders, and I<br>can't say I blame them. 'Pretty Woman'<br>doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were<br>less happily married to my job, I might<br>be jealous at all the attention she's<br>been getting. Whoever she is.<br><br>Keep an eye out down by the riverbank.<br>Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want<br>any accidents.<br><br>In other news, it seems Cyclone is off<br>the hook for the latest public brawl,<br>folks. None other than our favorite Kip<br>was seen at Homepage Books duking it out<br>with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ<br>on whether it was over who was better in<br>the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.<br><br>Personally, seeing as there was shouting<br>and carrying on from at least two women,<br>one of which is the lovely Mina, the <br>other of which is an Angel, I'm leaning<br>toward the gentlemen brawling over hot<br>dates. Or their dates' honor...<br><br>I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl<br>for MY honor, that's for sure. What do<br>you say, folks? Feel up to fighting <br>the good fight?<br></span>
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| − | ==July 27 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>very little gossip-worthy action. Such a<br>shame.<br><br>That said, Kip, you should go out and<br>talk to Emma about cows. I hear tell a<br>heifer had a thing or two to say about<br>a certain someone daydreaming instead of<br>paying attention to where she was going.<br><br>Crews are still working to clean up the<br>tree limbs brought down by that freak <br>thunderstorm earlier this week, so be <br>patient and be careful if you're <br>thinking about hiking up Salvation. If <br>you're thinking about hiking up <br>Mischance, take care, and watch out for <br>Adam Morrison. Young, black hair, <br>creative. His friends said he was last <br>seen near the mines during a LARP. The <br>Miller boys intend to do a grid search <br>of the area this weekend if he isn't <br>found.<br></span>
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| − | ==August 17 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, at last I<br>return from two weeks in sunny, utterly<br>dull and boring Florida. Not a single <br>thing worthy of my talents, which says a<br>bit in and of itself. I'm with Green,<br>Frank. Arcadia's a bad idea.<br><br>I hear tell life around town got all the<br>excitement I missed! Riot #1, exploding<br>ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague<br>Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight<br>and local DJ for WFBR, has been sharing<br>that British charm with anyone who asks.<br>Lie back and think of England, indeed.<br><br>A little birdy with much better pitch<br>than a certain laundromat owner tweeted<br>about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,<br>last Friday, if by good you mean a rip-<br>roaring riot over local-author-on-the-<br>lam C.B. Alexander, poetry and, oddly,<br>the rights of vegetables. Exploding<br>lights, this time, instead of ice cream<br>tubs, but this reporter wonders.<br><br>Last but not least, hometown hopeful<br>Cameron Lefevre has returned from his<br>failure at acquiring success and musical<br>obscurity. Don't worry, Cam. We're all<br>family here. No one will ever forget,<br>but we laugh because we care. Also<br>because it was hilarious schadenfreude,<br>but that's beside the point.<br><br>Welcome home. Bring an extra string to<br>your show in the park next week, kiddo.<br></span>
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| − | ==August 24 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we say a<br>fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,<br>long-term member of the community, and<br>I, for one, will miss his sermons on the<br>souls of fruitcakes. Remember, it's all<br>in the nuts.<br><br>What a surprise to hear about Mr. C.B.<br>'Copfire' Alexander being nuts himself.<br>Takes one to know one, right? Bet his<br>book sales are going through the roof.<br>Kudos, kid. Pity it wasn't just a pub-<br>licity stunt. Or was it?<br><br>Get this, too. At a reader's request, I<br>sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They<br>just sent their response: not just a<br>letter, but an actual FORM letter from<br>Sai Joshi, he of the incomparable <br>eyelashes, stating that while he is <br>aware they are abnormally long, they are <br>quite natural.<br><br>A form letter. <br><br>This begs the question: how many people<br>ask about his eyelashes? Has he ever<br>thought about trimming them? Cosmetic<br>eyelash buzzing could become a whole<br>new trend.<br></span>
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| − | ==August 31 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not<br>much from our own back yard. Let's get<br>started on a high note: passers-by near<br>Majesty Records the other morning saw a<br>certain bookstore owner and radio Queen<br>'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully<br>cozy. Is this why his coffee mug at<br>Homepage clearly showed lip prints in<br>her shade of lipstick? What does Paige<br>have to say about this, and how many<br>pieces will he be in when she's done?<br><br>Speaking of tumultuous romances, the up<br>and downs with Franklyn are enough to<br>make me dizzy. Personally, I'd like to<br>know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire<br>when he got discharged from the hospital<br>the other day. What angle does she have<br>on the guy? Is getting a play out of<br>him that important?<br><br>Heard tell there was a lady going into<br>Cat-22 covered in blood, which doesn't<br>bode well for C.B. staying out of jail,<br>now, does it? Same person who started<br>the riot, I'm told, but my sources<br>didn't give me any names. Don't worry.<br>I'll keep digging. So will the police,<br>if what was in her bag was really as<br>suspicious as it seemed...<br><br>Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard<br>diner. I don't know about you, but that<br>Last Chance place is going to need some <br>out of this world delicious meals or <br>have some pretty fancy gimmicks to get <br>me in there to try '90s mystery meat.<br></span>
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| − | ==September 07 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had<br>a dearth of fiery gossip. So sad. I am<br>disappointed in you all.<br><br>So is this guinea pig I heard of down at<br>our local Instagram princess' theatre<br>sleepover party. There are a few rumors<br>floating around as to his identity, but<br>none conclusive. The great guinea pig<br>remains a mystery. Superheroes used to<br>be a bit more impressive...<br><br>On the bright side, the slumber party<br>was a success, though I've heard several<br>reports of horrific nightmares since. <br>Just what was in the water?<br><br>Even better, our favorite CB is in the<br>news again. Seems there was a gas leak<br>down in Fort Brunsett at Her Majesty's<br>record store, with 'gnarly' (who uses<br>that word?) graphic gushing nosebleeds<br>and foul smells. Does CB just like the<br>sight of blood? He's been in two riots<br>that I'm aware of, he firebombed a<br>police station, and now this. Mr.<br>Alexander, Tamarack Falls would like to<br>know.<br><br>Are you a vampire?<br></span>
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| − | ==September 14 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at<br>last, another rumor about our favorite<br>bookstore owner. I have it on good<br>authority that he was seen walking out<br>of a local bar with a lovely redhead on<br>his arm. Bill's Bar, to be precise. <br>If anyone's keeping track of the women<br>in his life, let me know, because at<br>this point I've lost count!<br><br>Adorkable is in, ladies. Catch him if<br>you can.<br><br>Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob<br>quarterback Simon Desrochers may or may<br>not have been invited to try out for a <br>certain very famous football team which<br>surely none of us will guess. You go,<br>boy! Won't convince Suzie you weren't<br>necking with Annette in the back seat on<br>the way out to practice, though.<br><br>I've been practicing a bit, myself. The<br>fine art of writing sonnets, however,<br>still eludes me.<br><br>Try this one on for size:<br><br>The buds of Summer bloom, and die, and<br>fade.<br>What hope has he to warm us Winter long?<br>He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but<br>staid.<br>His heart is caught in his own lonely<br>song.<br><br>The mountains sigh and shiver in the <br>cold,<br>With icy winds no mortal may resist.<br>Ignoring Autumn's stories, he grows<br>bold.<br>He questions, begs and threatens to <br>persist.<br><br>How then shall we treat a heart so <br>sure?<br>So certain, firm and faithful to his<br>truth?<br>It trembles, quakes and quivers to <br>immure<br>The friendly public's foibles as <br>uncouth.<br><br>It does him little good to hold aloof.<br>For me, I only hope we're fireproof.<br><br>--<br><br>Woo me with poetry, not with abuse, my <br>darling Alexander. Until we meet again.<br></span>
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| − | ==September 21 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not<br>currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-<br>der threw a bit of biological warfare<br>in through my living room window. It<br>was a good window, too.<br><br>More importantly, you left your finger<br>prints all over it, kid. Already talked<br>to the deputy. Your parents have been<br>informed. Please don't do that again. I<br>won't mention it if you don't.<br><br>Now, my columns will be written a bit <br>more slowly until this arm heals, but I<br>do apologize for missing last week's<br>deadline. Cows wait for no man. Or me.<br>Obviously. If you don't know what I'm<br>talking about, ask Green. Shh. She<br>doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'<br><br>Now down to business. I've heard tell<br>that our local tea witch Avalon has been<br>making a lot of trips down to the river<br>lately. Point in fact, I've got three<br>separate eye witnesses attesting that<br>she's wandered on home soaked to the<br>bone three times in the past few weeks<br>alone.<br><br>Lonnie, are you trying to catch your<br>death?<br><br>It doesn't run fast. Definitely not as<br>fast as the Tam. Slower than Kip, too,<br>once word gets out. Just what WAS he<br>doing in that lingerie store, anyway?<br>Shopkeepers said he was in the male<br>section for half an hour, but wouldn't<br>tell my sources what he bought. More's<br>the pity.<br></span>
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| − | ==September 28 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, I learned<br>that I am getting old. A nice young man<br>from out of town insisted on helping me<br>walk across the street. Hopefully he<br>gets his Boy Scouts merit badge for it.<br>Thanks for making 40 feel like 80, kid.<br>I hope I meet a boy like you when I'm<br>really aged and decrepit.<br><br>Speaking of kids, I heard through the<br>grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused<br>some local drama at a children's birth-<br>day party. Sounds like a kid started<br>using pepper spray on the clown and<br>quoting some very inappropriate language<br>which I won't repeat in print. A local<br>Japanese magician's said to have stepped<br>in to take over, so kudos on not getting<br>Maced.<br><br>Violence is otherwise the theme de la<br>semaine. Got some very confused cows<br>thanks to the tippers out in the west <br>valley, more broken windows (thanks,<br>Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges<br>heading toward eastbank. Joy, Wendell,<br>you should know better. You should also<br>be more careful about setting lookouts<br>to warn you that someone's sitting there<br>having a morning coffee while you paint.<br><br>On a brighter note, I hear tell Candace<br>Malbury and Richard Miller were having<br>a grand old time while prepping for the<br>town's harvest fair yesterday...<br><br>I never knew you could do so much with a<br>single ear of corn. Never wanted to,<br>either. You may have scarred me for<br>life, but what do I know? I'm an old<br>lady who needs help crossing a street.<br></span>
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| − | ==October 05 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK<br>in the limelight, people. I have not<br>one, not two, but THREE separate sources<br>citing fascinating little tidbits about<br>our favourite lady-charmer.<br><br>Charming to us, perhaps.<br><br>I hear tell that he left Cyclone in a<br>nasty mood the other night. Lovers'<br>quarrel? Why pay for beer when Paige<br>would give it to him free?<br><br>Maybe she's just jealous of his success,<br>assuming he really IS the secret author<br>of the Haris brother books. Rumor is,<br>the author is a local. Kip, are you<br>Nathalia Daring? You're concealing your<br>secret passion for C.B. Alexander,<br>according to a number of sources, and<br>you do seem to have a large number of<br>these delightfully torrid novels in your<br>stock. Tell all!<br><br>Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage<br>Books sure has a doozy. A brown paper <br>package addressed to the bookshop was <br>accidentally left at the real estate <br>agency on South Main and Mill, and <br>hoo boy, those girls got a surprise! No<br>brochures, but there was definitely a <br>ball-gag, an eight foot long bullwhip <br>with a mighty interesting handle, and a <br>single copy of '212 Step Guide to the <br>Art of Masculine Domination' signed by <br>the author with the personalisation of: <br>"You can do it, buddy!". Apparently the <br>girls at the estate agency just didn't <br>know what to do. Maybe they were scared <br>the proprietor next door would love <br>their neighbour as they love themselves.<br><br>Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither<br>Nancy Drew nor Jessica Fletcher, but I<br>do appreciate the intimation that 40 is<br>still below the aged and decrepit line.<br>You're welcome to help me across the<br>street any day, handsome.<br></span>
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| − | ==October 12 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>few relationship squabbles and a few odd<br>events, but let's get to the juicy stuff<br>first.<br><br>Number One: Jason Weatherby, don't you<br>know by now not to go slicking your wick<br>in places it shouldn't go?<br><br>Number Two: Anita and Josephine aren't<br>your type, George. Trust me. The words<br>I have refrained from printing about<br>you on account of your papa being nice<br>to me in high school...<br><br>Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy<br>little fox. I didn't know you had it in<br>you. You go girl!<br><br>Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all<br>get to play at being fair maidens (well,<br>some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah<br>darling) soon. I heard tell that const-<br>ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is<br>going to be a perpetual jousting tourney<br>and such. Costumes and riding lessons,<br>sword fighting, and possibly a polar<br>bear, though I personally suspect my<br>source had had a bit too much of the <br>aqua vitae.<br><br>Have to wonder if our local Instagram<br>princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit too<br>much to drink, herself. I've heard from<br>six sources, now, that she was seen down<br>in our favourite Alexander's Cat-22, <br>barely dressed, laughing and humming and<br>writing who knows what down. Whatever it<br>was, we'll never know, too, because I'm<br>told a fellow (fella? sources couldn't<br>decide) named Teagan took a bat to the<br>table, then shredded it all.<br><br>Franky, Franky. What are you doing?<br><br>You're supposed to date that charmer<br>Amanda, not give C.B. more reasons to<br>give our fine officers hot feet.<br><br>It does seem Green's got herself at <br>least one admirer, even if it isn't you.<br>Heard tell there was a fine Japanese<br>gentleman wandering around drugged to<br>the gills and rambling love poems.<br><br>Then again, the way this town is going,<br>maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,<br>do tell. Do you like your men all soft<br>and mumbly?<br></span>
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| − | ==October 19 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we don't<br>need our jackets much; it's summer all<br>over again. Whichever of you's whisper<br>ing sweet nothings into Autumn's ears, I<br>hope you can explain yourself to the <br>forsythia. It's not even close to being<br>Spring, and my poor, confused bushes are<br>trying their utmost to bloom.<br><br>Emily's blooming too, I hear. Kudos, <br>kiddo. Congratulations on the scholar<br>ship.<br><br>Kudos to a stranger named Ziv as well,<br>and I'm sure Crumpet would thank her if<br>a dog could talk. I've heard a few<br>folks chitter-chattering away about her<br>heroic stormdrain pup rescue services.<br><br>Now, if only somebody could rescue our<br>darling Bill's head. The Scouts tried<br>to honor the guy by hanging up a sign<br>above the doorway to the bar, but some<br>kid obviously hasn't done his carpentry<br>merit badge yet, on account of how the<br>nails weren't really holding that thing<br>to the wall...<br><br>Don't worry. It's a mild oak-induced<br>concussion. He's cussing alright, and<br>fit to spit nails. Not literally. They<br>didn't hit his mouth. Bet he'd look<br>fantastic with a nose piercing to go on<br>through the new holes there, though.<br>
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| − | ==October 26 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we get the<br>delightful chance to marvel at human<br>stupidity. Harold Lehrman, did I tell<br>you or did I not that you'd regret that<br>chainsaw you left on your floor? Thank<br>me later for getting your name in the<br>paper.<br><br>Amanda Green, you shameless minx. Don't<br>you think I won't repeat that you did<br>your entire show in dishabille. Beyond<br>it, even. Stealing hearts with a pretty<br>voice and a lovely...smile.<br><br>We've got ourselves a vorpal playing<br>card, too, and this author wonders about<br>the timing of the King of Hearts, given<br>poor Kip's freshly single status. I got<br>it from Crossroads Cafe, my very own<br>self, from his very own lips.<br>
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| − | <br>Surely we can't blame him, then, for<br>being seen the other night leaving with<br>not one, but two unknown ladies, all of<br>them drunk as a skunk. He says he was<br>going back to a hotel with them, but for<br>what, I wonder?<br><br>This isn't the first time I've heard of<br>Kip going off with someone, either. Why,<br>just in the last few weeks, I hear tell<br>he and C.B. Alexander drove off alone<br>to do 'something' together. C.B. went<br>off with our local Instagram Princess<br>Franklyn Garreau, too.<br><br>Busy, busy, Mr. Alexander.<br><br>Point in fact, I hear tell you picked a<br>fight down in Riverside and went out to<br>the east bank dressed like some kind of<br>tie-dyed female royalty. Is the pressure<br>too much? When's your next book due to<br>be published? If you need some help<br>with relaxation techniques, talk to Anne<br>Harlin. The Reverend says SHE can sleep<br>just about anywhere...<br>
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| − | ==November 2 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, Rebecca has<br>asked me to clarify that she is a minxy<br>BIG fox, in search of a BIG man, if you<br>know what she means.<br><br>Don't I wish I did.<br><br>Saw a couple of hikers the other day <br>heading up Mischance with, I kid you<br>not, ten dogs. Ten. I counted three<br>times. What were they planning to do?<br>Wait until it snowed and run a Tamarack<br>Iditarod?<br><br>I don't know about you, but I have a<br>hard enough time keeping a house plant<br>alive, much less (almost) a dozen dogs.<br>Kudos, strangers. Emphasis on strange.<br><br>Speaking of strange, have you seen that<br>glittery purple balloon lately? Watch<br>out, mystery pilot. The winds over the<br>waterfall can be tricky. My youthful<br>admirers may not believe it of me, but<br>I was once a ballooning champ for<br>three years running, until I took this<br>arrow in the knee.<br><br>On a more heartwarming note (or not, if<br>you're a Scrooge like George), a group<br>of newcomers went out and visited folks<br>at Riverside Hospital this past Tuesday<br>for Halloween. <br><br>No police were called, so it's safe to<br>say that whatever else they did, they<br>didn't scare children to death.<br><br>Seriously, that was a really good deed,<br>folks. Keep it up.<br><br>You too, big mystery man.<br>
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| − | ==November 9 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a<br>fair number of nippy days, haven't we? I<br>would be minded to cuddle up beside my<br>fire with a good book and not come out<br>until Spring thaw, but how could I poss-<br>ibly miss gems like Eddie Mayer trying<br>out his rollerskates down Main Street?<br><br>Note, I did say trying, not succeeding.<br>On the bright side, at least he didn't<br>bleed all over EVERY pole in town...<br><br>Speaking of bleeding, have you seen that<br>new body mod shop down in the city? I<br>hear tell none other than Winny Wilson<br>opened the place up, complete with pig.<br>I hadn't heard of him, scars not being<br>my specialty, but a Johnny Drexel seems <br>to be sporting his own artwork something<br>fierce. <br><br>Don't know about you, but I'm going to<br>avoid bleeding for art.<br><br>Bleeding for gossip, now, that I will do<br>
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| − | with pleasure. I got a dreadful paper<br>cut when I heard that the Treasurer of<br>Fort Brunsett, Molly Crowley-Utridge, <br>was decidedly unwidowly at a dinner with<br>a very nicely dressed Native fellow. My<br>sources say the man was one Malaki Gray-<br>wolf. Is Molly looking to add a second<br>hyphenation to her mouthful of a name?<br><br>I don't even want to think about the<br>mouthfuls Ms. Mina Grey has been having.<br>Ballerina food is rabbit food, and I <br>heard from a little birdy that our dance<br>teacher, or someone who looks a lot like<br>her, was seen in social media marketing<br>for the Slutcracker in Somerville, MA.<br><br>Mina, Mina, Mina. We all know dating Mr.<br>Alexander is enough to drive you to<br>drink, but come on, girl. Do you really<br>want to give him more reasons to set the<br>world on fire?<br>
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| − | ==November 16 2017==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a<br>request from one Haruki for a shout-out<br>about his brother Itsuki's birthday. How<br>can I refuse, when it comes with such<br>charming good wishes about my lack of<br>disappearance?<br><br>Don't worry, kid. I went on a Tuesday.<br><br>In other news, I have learned that First<br>Snow holly sprigs make exceptionally<br>poor seat cushions. If you have never<br>had spiny leaves jabbing into your bony<br>patoot, I highly recommend that you<br>avoid the experience.<br><br>Yes, I went and picked another sprig...<br><br>Eddie Mayer has asked me to correct my<br>previous column. My apologies, Eddie.<br>You were landing on your tush at the<br>corner of Main Street and Mill, not <br>just Main Street. Thank you for the<br>tip!<br><br>Have you seen the prep for the parade<br>this weekend? Got the streamers up and<br>turkeys everywhere. Gotta wonder what<br>aliens would think of it, if they saw<br>it. Are we cultists celebrating our<br>(delicious) gobbly god?<br><br>What's YOUR favorite Thanksgiving food?<br><br>Mine's got to be the mashed potatoes.<br>Get some cream in while you mash, some<br>butter, salt... Mmmmm. Add in a splash<br>of gravy, and you're golden.<br><br>So are the wallets of the emergency<br>services after fixing your food-induced<br>heart attack, but possible death is <br>nothing when compared with a good mash.<br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==November 23 2017==
| + | |
| − | No column! Thanksgiving.
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==November 30 2017==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>
| + | |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a<br>
| + | |
| − | good vacation from reality, thanks to<br>
| + | |
| − | Thanksgiving (sorry, folks, calories do<br>
| + | |
| − | still count on holidays; my scale won't<br>
| + | |
| − | lie), but family time makes for GREAT<br>
| + | |
| − | gossip. <br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Let's get started!<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Jack, Jack, you know you don't do well<br>
| + | |
| − | with wine. The maudlin song prize goes<br>
| + | |
| − | to you, for certain sure. Next time, I<br>
| + | |
| − | want a recorder with me. That stuff<br>
| + | |
| − | would sell!<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | The exploding turkey prize has got to go<br>
| + | |
| − | to Betsy Mayer. Bets, this is the third<br>
| + | |
| − | year in a row. How do you even DO that?<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Jacob Hennessey gets the 'Belongs in One<br>
| + | |
| − | of the Final Destination Movies' prize,<br>
| + | |
| − | because I didn't even know something<br>
| + | |
| − | like this could happen without cinematic<br>
| + | |
| − | magic to help it along. From what I<br>
| + | |
| − | heard, it went something like this: a<br>
| + | |
| − | kid tripped over a chicken, which flew<br>
| + | |
| − | into his mama's patoot, which made her<br>
| + | |
| − | jerk her arm up from the meat she was <br>
| + | |
| − | butchering, and because her hand was wet<br>
| + | |
| − | the knife slipped up and cut the cord <br>
| + | |
| − | holding the oil lamp the kid's older sis<br>
| + | |
| − | had hung up there for extra light, which<br>
| + | |
| − | fell and broke and spilled burning oil<br>
| + | |
| − | every which way, which set mama's pants<br>
| + | |
| − | on fire, which sent mama running out to<br>
| + | |
| − | start stripping in the barnyard with the<br>
| + | |
| − | chickens, which prompted Jacob's sudden<br>
| + | |
| − | coronary and subsequent helicopter ride<br>
| + | |
| − | to Riverside Hospital.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Now THAT is an evening.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Don't worry, Jake's fine. Suzette's all<br>
| + | |
| − | right too, and the chicken made a good<br>
| + | |
| − | supper.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | In less flammable news, I hear tell that<br>
| + | |
| − | Aspire place down in Fort Brunsett may<br>
| + | |
| − | be getting a new owner. Reliable sources<br>
| + | |
| − | inform me that Johnny Drexel has been<br>
| + | |
| − | seen puttering around the lobby through<br>
| + | |
| − | the windows. Does he need that much new<br>
| + | |
| − | space to cut holes in people?<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Time will tell. Also lawyers. Lawyers<br>
| + | |
| − | are really good to have when slicing<br>
| + | |
| − | people up. I, for one, plan to stay far<br>
| + | |
| − | away.<br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==December 7 2017==
| + | |
| − | No column!
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==December 14 2017==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>
| + | |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we get a<br>
| + | |
| − | great big thank you to whichever witch<br>
| + | |
| − | up and decided to curse me last week.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Mr. Alexander, I may be hiring you to<br>
| + | |
| − | set a fire.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | If any of you have never felt the lovely<br>
| + | |
| − | after-effects of a concussion, I most<br>
| + | |
| − | heartily commend you for your choices in<br>
| + | |
| − | life and wish I could go back to join<br>
| + | |
| − | your club.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Let's see, now. Last week, I got a note<br>
| + | |
| − | from a certain Japanese magician that it<br>
| + | |
| − | was C.B. Alexander's birthday, who asks<br>
| + | |
| − | that I send him a birthday message to,<br>
| + | |
| − | I quote, cheer him up. <br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Haruki, kid, you're sweet. If he wants<br>
| + | |
| − | free advertising for his book, he should<br>
| + | |
| − | scream at me some more and post a letter<br>
| + | |
| − | to the editor. That's always fun.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | How's your holiday planning going? I<br>
| + | |
| − | hear tell Mayor Jack has had a few unex-<br>
| + | |
| − | pected visitors lately. Lost relations?<br>
| + | |
| − | Do tell, Mayor!<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Nancy Thackeray sure lost something this<br>
| + | |
| − | weekend, and she won't be getting it<br>
| + | |
| − | back for at least another eighteen years<br>
| + | |
| − | by my reckoning. Congratulations, mama.<br>
| + | |
| − | Hope you don't mind sleep loss. It just<br>
| + | |
| − | gets worse the more you have, I'm told.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | This, my readers, is why I am, and plan<br>
| + | |
| − | to remain, single. Menopause can't come<br>
| + | |
| − | soon enough.<br>
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | Speaking of marriage and children, our<br>
| + | |
| − | very own Amanda Green has had a few tid-<br>
| + | |
| − | bits floating around about a big to-do<br>
| + | |
| − | wedding of her own. Who's the lucky<br>
| + | |
| − | partner?<br>
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==December 21 2017==
| + | |
| − | <br>
| + | |
| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the smith's<br>a busy busy bee out there. The New Year<br>Nail-Up is in good swing, and clang, and<br>clank...<br><br>I heard tell he got a record number of<br>assistants this year. I wonder why.<br><br>I also wonder why his latest assistant<br>and Kip don't team up to woo the ladies,<br>because hoo boy, Mr. Robin Collier has<br>an accent fit to make a fiddle dance.<br>Don't even get me started on his eyes.<br>That shade of blue should be illegal.<br><br>Of course, he smokes, and he looks like<br>he probably hasn't seen the sun since he<br>was twelve, but those are manageable<br>faults.<br><br>What do you say, Mr. Collier? Are you<br>up for being managed? The ladies'<br>knitting circle would like to know!<br><br>We'd like to know about ghost cars,<br>too, seeing as it seems we've got at<br>least one of those buggers around. A few<br>folks have asked about a crash down by<br>Snake Creek, but when yours truly went<br>down to investigate, there was no trace<br>of it.<br><br>Maybe Father Christmas had a sleigh boo<br>boo on one of his practice runs. Keep<br>eyes out, kids. Hoofprints on your head<br>aren't the sort of gift you want this<br>weekend.<br><br>Really, you don't. Take it from a<br>little old lady who got stomped on by a<br>cow.
| + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | | + | |
| − | ==December 28 2017==
| + | |
| | <br> | | <br> |
| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we had our-<br>selves a break-in at a local grocery<br>store, folks. Right here in town, too.<br>What do people think this is? More to<br>the point, what on earth were they out<br>to steal? <br><br>Do they think we have any money?<br><br>I hear tell the authorities found a guy<br>trapped under a row of fallen shelves,<br>with two others trying to get him free.<br><br>Speaking of free, if you've got any<br>books for children, stop on in at Kip's<br>love nest, Homepage. He's collecting a<br>donation for the schools in the area, as<br>I well know. I gave him a lovely copy of<br>See Spot Run. <br><br>Run, Kip. Just run. You don't want to<br>be surrounded by the hordes of adoring<br>fangirls who will try to get into your<br>life once they find out you're dating a<br>professional Slutcracker. <br><br>That's right. You heard me. Mina, who<br>could be anything in the world, chose<br>to dance in the Slutcracker, and hooey,<br>she looks darned good in black. You're<br>one fine dominatrix, girl. Look online,<br>folks, and you'll see plenty of pics of<br>her as 'The Russian'...and of Mina with<br>Kip, arms full of flowers...<br><br>Where are the pics of their tattoos, I<br>wonder? Sources say they were spotted<br>outside of a tattoo parlor in Boston.<br>Together.<br><br>Tell me. Do we have more matrimony in<br>our future, or is this a desperate<br>attempt to drum up business for a<br>failing bookstore? Kip, darling, rabid<br>readers want to know. How DO you do it?<br><br>With leather, it seems. Why, Trudy was<br>walking into Homepage just the other<br>day when she overheard this hunk of a<br>prince talking to some girl with too<br>much hair dye about not being her<br>lovely toy...<br><br>First the lingerie parlor, then the<br>ball gag and the multi-purpose<br>bullwhip, and now a girlfriend in the<br>Slutcracker with BDSM on your counter?<br><br>Kip, Kip, Kip.<br><br>Welcome home, kid. Never leave. You<br>make my job too easy.<br> | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, I wish you a<br>bleary welcome to the year 2020. Finally,<br>a number easy to make silly glasses for!<br><br>If you slept through the fireworks on the<br>lake on NYE, you are a hardier soul than<br>I, and I commend you. Even this far from<br>the cliffs, they were dang loud, but also<br>worth every wince. If you've never gone<br>up to the top of Salvation and looked<br>down on it all, you're missing out. I'm<br>no poet, but it was a garden of light,<br>and kudos to the city of Fort Brunsett<br>and the tireless efforts of the fireworks<br>companies who made it possible.<br><br>Are you the type to write out resolutions<br>for the coming year? I try, heaven knows<br>I try, but the bon bons tempt me back.<br><br>If you want your name in the paper, send<br>in YOUR resolution, and I'll put it in<br>the column for next week. Let's see what<br>our town wants to change!<br><br>I know for sure I want to change the bear<br>family in the woods up on Mischance. If<br>they want to set up housekeeping some-<br>where, there are much better places than<br>the mine to do it. Kids, I have it on<br>good authority that the local officials<br>are taking this very seriously, so please<br>be smart about stupid dares. Animals<br>like these should be hibernating at this<br>time of year, and if something has them<br>out and about, a trained professional<br>should be the one to find them. |
| | | | |
| − | ==January 4 2018== | + | ==January 9, 2020== |
| | <br> | | <br> |
| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is mak-<br>ing up for lost time, isn't he? I heard<br>a little birdy say that one of the two<br>female employees at Homepage marched on<br>into the store to start her shift,<br>hustled all the post-lunch shoppers out,<br>and flipped the sign to 'Closed' for a<br>'private' 'conversation' with Kip.<br><br>Now, lest your thoughts travel down the<br>same paths mine did, let me assure you<br>that it does, indeed, get better than<br>that.<br><br>Cerise, for it was she who accosted our<br>darling Kip, is said to have spent quite<br>a while having a rather 'intense' dis-<br>cussion with the store owner. Is it a<br>coincidence that witnesses say he was<br>spotted putting his shirt back on after<br>the Incident? <br><br>Now, Sally-Mae says he even tried to hug<br>her afterward.<br><br>Mina, dear, we all thought you and Kip<br>were so happy. Is there trouble in<br>Slutcracker paradise?<br><br>Did he use the whip in the wrong place?<br><br>At least the skiers are happy. We've got<br>a good 48" of powder on those slopes, <br>and more snow to come. Careful not to <br>introduce your noggin to cow fences,<br>folks. Wind's been blowing hard, and<br>they're as white as anything. Cross-<br>country's not as safe as it could be...<br><br>Last but not least, we've got some<br>mysterious geese on the loose. Anyone<br>lose a goose?<br><br>Or seven?<br><br>I'm told the flock has been chasing kids<br>off of sidewalks into snowbanks, and<br>stealing mittens, though what use a<br>goose has for a mitten is beyond me. | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a big<br>column for you, so let's get right to it.<br>Last week, I asked for your resolutions,<br>and boy howdy did you send them in!<br><br> * Mrs. Elsa Vayn has resolved to eat at<br> least one piece of fruit a day.<br> * David Carmichael has resolved to go on<br> at least one vacation every quarter,<br> much to the delight of his less work-<br> a-holic partner, Bobby.<br> * Joe Quinn has resolved to lose 50 lbs.<br> * Jane Quinn has resolved to kick Joe's<br> patoot into gear any time he reaches<br> for doughnuts instead of celery...<br> * Alexander Dolst has resolved to finish<br> the novel he has been working on since<br> seventh grade.<br> * Rebecca Fry has resolved to not murder<br> her niece, or brother, for spilling<br> neon pink dye into a vat of milk and<br> costing the family thousands of bucks<br> for wasted product, time, and inedible<br> ice cream. I have it on good auth-<br> ority that said niece and brother are<br> banned from the barn for the foresee-<br> able future to facilitate their con-<br> tinued survival.<br> * Elizabeth Fry has resolved to avoid<br> her aunt.<br> * Jonathan Fry has resolved to buy stock<br> in Tension Tamer tea.<br> * Delika Soluos has resolved to learn<br> calligraphy, so she can start her own<br> greeting card business.<br> * Mr. A. Nony Mouse has resolved to get<br> a name.<br><br>On the subject of resolutions folks asked<br>not to be named for, we have twelve other<br>people wanting to lose weight, eleven who<br>want to travel more, five who want to get<br>wealthy lovers and live out a life of<br>luxury, four who want to learn the fine<br>art of cooking better for one, two who<br>want to do more for the environment, and<br>one who wants to bone my editor. <br><br>My editor says thank you, and he will<br>consider your offer, anonymous lover. |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| − | ==January 11 2018== | + | ==January 16, 2020== |
| | <br> | | <br> |
| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we had yet<br>another day of Homepage Books showing a<br>great big CLOSED sign to the world.<br><br>Kip, darling, I know the attention is a<br>lot. We only want to love you. Or we<br>want to delight ourselves with a honking<br>big dose of schadenfreude and be glad we<br>aren't the ones with multiple girlfriend<br>collisions in the hallway.<br><br>How DO you manage those, anyway? Doesn't<br>seem to be working out for you too well.<br><br>Speaking of not working out well, what<br>else doesn't work? Ice skating on snow.<br>Katie, let us know when that broken<br>ankle heals. I'll get the editor to <br>take you out for an ice cream and tell<br>you all about his own.<br><br>The slopes of Mount Salvation have been<br>pretty busy lately, and not for their<br>value as a place to play on snow. Folks<br>say, and I can attest myself, that there<br>have been odd prints and circles, and<br>sometimes lights at night, dancing.<br><br>Have we got ourselves a new coven of<br>witches, or is snow circling the latest<br>version of crop circling? Maybe the<br>aliens have gone native Vermonter. If <br>so, I've got some Cabot cheese and Ben<br>& Jerry's with their names on it. <br><br>Assuming, that is, that they have names.<br><br>Gossip columnist starts interstellar war<br>by making erroneous assumptions. See the<br>full report at seven!<br><br> | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, we are a<br>month away from Valentine's Day, but that<br>isn't stopping the stores, is it? Thank<br>you, capitalism, for giving me cheap yet<br>delicious chocolate and peanut butter <br>hearts.<br><br>On the subject of hearts, get this: Mandy<br>Hart thought Monday was going to be just<br>another morning, woke up, made her coffee<br>and ate food which she has told me to say<br>was more healthy than the Boston creme<br>doughnut it actually was, when there came<br>a banging from her garage. In she went,<br>and lo and behold, her garbage bins were<br>a mess. Thinking it was a raccoon, she<br>tidied up, looked for holes, then forgot<br>all about it by the end of the work day.<br>Upon arriving home again, the garbage<br>bins were on the floor, along with the<br>garbage that was in them, and what did<br>she find but a PIG rooting around in it?<br>As it turns out, a tourist family's pet<br>had gotten loose, and there were happy,<br>oinky endings all around. What a way to<br>spend a Monday.<br><br>This was not the only animal sighting to<br>occur over the past week. <br><br>A showing of "Matilda" down at the ele-<br>mentary school this past weekend was <br>disrupted by a bleating stampede of<br>shaggy, smelly goats -- and the high-<br>schoolers who set them free there are<br>going to start doing some very fast<br>community service, aren't they, Samual? |
| | | | |
| − | ==January 18 2018== | + | ==January 23, 2020== |
| | <br> | | <br> |
| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell<br>that Daniel Dross lost his marbles over<br>at The Seventh House. Word is, he asked<br>some poor crippled young woman over for<br>breakfast, gentlemanly-like, only to<br>take a drawing she did, storm around the<br>cafe, shred the thing and throw it in <br>the fire. <br><br>Now, shame on him, but what I want to<br>know is this: what was on that drawing?<br>Linda, if it was anything like yours, I<br>retract that statement. No one should<br>have to see that.<br><br>Sources say he dragged her right out of<br>the shop, didn't even let her finish<br>her tea, or her bread and honey. Tsk.<br><br>You know, she bore a striking <br>resemblance to a certain family of <br>Millers 'round about these parts...<br><br>Continuing this week's theme of ladies<br>with bad luck, my sources tell me one of<br>the restaurants down in the Singers'<br>Circle is being investigated, just in<br>case, for food and safety concerns after<br>a blind date gone wrong. Witnesses say<br>the guy was looking bored, when the girl<br>suddenly went insane, claiming she could<br>see bugs in her food, all over her skin,<br>and skedaddled. <br><br>Kids, this is why you don't do drugs<br>before you date.<br><br>Third in our trifecta of female disaster<br>flicks, I hear our instagram princess<br>Franky Garreau may be on the outs with<br>Kip's latest love interest. Cerise,<br>Cerise, are you moving in on Franky's<br>man? Really, C. B. Alexander shouldn't<br>be your kind of 'hot' -- not unless you<br>like napalm.<br><br>Men, watch out. Next week it could be<br>you.<br> | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, it looks as<br>though we may have a new manicurist in<br>town! I hear tell that Lou and Bang Bang<br>down at Crops and Bobbers have been talk-<br>ing with a lovely stranger about settling<br>here. Lady, come stop by the office some<br>time and have a chat. I still have a bit<br>of that good coffee left that the office<br>vultures haven't managed to pilfer.<br><br>In other news, I finally snagged a source<br>young enough to clue me in on why we've<br>all been seeing glitter everywhere. Seems<br>like one of the local kids started a<br>viral trend on TikTok called "angel dust-<br>ing"... The original form called for some<br>sort of container of white glitter to be<br>placed above a doorway, with the aim of<br>having it fall onto the head of the next<br>person walking through, but one of the<br>younger ladies at the office has informed<br>me that receiving the glitter inside of<br>an envelope, and filming yourself doing<br>so, has also become a part of the trend.<br><br>Now, given the crisis going on with micro<br>plastics in our oceans, I did feel the<br>need to reach out to our mystery TikTok-<br>ker, and much to my pleasant surprise,<br>they had already established ground rules<br>requiring their followers to use eco-<br>glitters. Kudos, kid. You've got a good<br>head on those glitter-crowned shoulders.<br><br>Vazi, on the other hand... I have heard<br>a few conflicting opinions of how you<br>managed to break that ankle, kiddo. <br><br> 1. You were chasing a flying paper air-<br> plane and ran off the roof.<br> 2. You were out on the lawn and slipped.<br> 3. Your younger brother turned into a<br> whirling dervish of dooooom and your<br> ankle was sacrificed to the Lego gods<br> as tribute.<br><br>I'm going for Lego gods. If you have ever<br>had kids who had Legos, I know you will<br>be too. |
| | | | |
| − | ==January 25 2018== | + | ==January 30, 2020== |
| | <br> | | <br> |
| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a<br>bologna on the loose. <br><br>Yes, you read that correctly: a bologna.<br>Three folks have come up to me to ask if<br>I've heard about it, and one of them was<br>pretty certain the stink was coming from<br>the town hall...<br><br>But enough about that.<br><br>Let's hear some juicy news. Amanda Bale<br>and Erzsebet Angle have been steaming up<br>the dance floor down at the high school,<br>and hoo boy, those girls can tango. Who<br>says you need a man, right ladies? Come<br>chat some time. I know some folks who<br>run the local competitions. <br><br>Also, in spite of injuries to the<br>contrary, I spied with my little black <br>eye a certain Mayor hobbling around on <br>the mill pond. What's the problem, <br>Jack? Even I can skate better than that.<br>You getting too old for fun?<br><br>On that note, I dare anyone and everyone<br>to send in pictures of the stupidest<br>things they can think of doing while ice<br>skating. I'll Shanghai the editor into<br>giving me more space so I can post the<br>best of them next week!<br> | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, I've got a<br>cute one for us. A special someone (hint<br>hint, his name rhymes with 'hill' and he<br>owns a bar here in town) is turning 65<br>next week, and he may or may not be get-<br>ting a present from a mysterious benefac-<br>tor... If I were he, I'd keep an eye out.<br>That gift looked hot!<br><br>In related news, kudos to your son, Bill,<br>though I have seldom had more cause to<br>use the 'facepalm' emoji than I did this<br>past weekend. For folks new to the area,<br>Bill's son is a trainee for the local<br>volunteer firefighters. A tourist slipped<br>and fell over the southern bridge into<br>the Tam, and they're okay, thanks to Bill<br>and some good bystanders, but they<br>wouldn't have fallen in the first place<br>if they hadn't been bending backwards<br>upside down over the edge of the railing<br>to get a selfie... Their GoPro was not<br>rescued, and neither, I'm told, was their<br>smartphone. Seriously, people. No selfie<br>is worth your life. Hypothermia is not a<br>joke.<br><br>That said, I'm human, and I can't help<br>but laugh at the selfie fails I've seen<br>on the internet. Let's turn this around<br>and check on YOU, my lovely readers: what<br>is YOUR most hilarious selfie fail?<br><br>Last but not least, for disclosure, Emma<br>Richards has paid me in Cadbury Creme<br>Eggs to publically state the following:<br>she heard on the grapevine that her long-<br>time boyfriend, who broke up with her<br>last Spring, has recently been accepted<br>into the NASA space program, and she<br>hopes he does so well that he becomes one<br>of the next astronauts to land on the<br>Moon...and stays there, preferably alone<br>and choking on his own hot air.<br><br>Sorry, Dave. Shouldn't have done that. |
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| − | ==February 1 2018== | + | ==February 6, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a<br>vigilante in our midst. I can't honestly<br>say I wouldn't feel excited if I got my<br>own superhero nickname, so kudos to you,<br>Blackout, whoever you are.<br><br>Just don't go all One Punch Man on my<br>nephew Jadis. He likes to dress like a<br>punk, but he's got the soul of a cherry-<br>pink marshmallow.<br><br>Yes, dear. I love you too. Suffer.<br><br>Speaking of suffering, I heard tell that<br>our very own Kip was spotted on one of<br>the bridges down in Fort Brunsett, stark<br>naked and covered in stripper glitter.<br><br>Kip, I can't say I blame you. If I ever<br>caught a case of glitteritis as bad as<br>that one, I'd be tempted to jump off a<br>bridge's railing, too.<br><br>The Tam seems to be getting more popular<br>lately, or maybe folks are just stir<br>crazy after all that snow. Or crazy, in<br>general. Franklyn, I've gotta say, I'm<br>disappointed. You're a good girl, but<br>if you keep this up, you're going to end<br>up in the loony bin or six feet under.<br><br>Walking around the city in your PJs is<br>one thing. Even Adam Wilkinson has done<br>that one, hasn't he, Adam? <br><br>Whatever guy you're crying about, come<br>sniffle on the West bank, girl. You <br>should know better. Also, get a jacket!<br><br>Last but not least, it sounds like we've<br>got ourselves a new brawler in town. Old<br>Janni Kristoffsen said some girl named<br>Merle got into one rip-roaring fight at<br>the bar over a pack of cigarettes she<br>may or may not have acquired with his<br>permission.<br><br>What I wonder is this: if we put Mystery<br>Merle in a pit with C.B. Alexander, who<br>would be the last one standing?<br> | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, angel dust<br>has officially been sanctioned, and not<br>in the good way, in a town hall meeting.<br>Local EMTs took three people down to the<br>hospital after a massive glitter-splosion<br>accident where balloons half-filled with<br>"angel dust" were popped by accident, all<br>at once, by a falling ladder at the Town<br>Hall itself, sending pounds of the stuff<br>right into eyes and airways.<br><br>On the bright side, you can be proud of<br>one thing: you, and your TikTok friends,<br>have leveraged your fifteen seconds of<br>fame to get glitter officially labeled a<br>disturbance to the peace.<br><br>Envelope-form only, kids.<br><br>Now, I do have some bad news. Nettle<br>won't be staying on as our new manicurist<br>after all, but she says she has enjoyed<br>getting to know the ladies, and some of<br>the gentlemen, of the town in the short<br>while she has been here. We wish her all<br>the best in her new life as a millionaire<br>lottery winner, lucky duck. When I asked<br>her about her plans, she said she and her<br>hubby have decided to find their dream<br>home in the hills of Italy, and intend to<br>spend their days posting YouTube videos<br>of their costumed cats putting on feline<br>versions of Shakespeare.<br><br>To each her own, but I'll keep an eye out<br>for those videos, Nettle. Tombu is one<br>cute cat.<br><br>Now, as much as I would love to write all<br>of the entries we received for most<br>embarrassing selfies, my editor has asked<br>me to poll the office for the top three,<br>and these are the result:<br><br> 1. When taking a selfie on a windy tower<br> overseas, she who shall remain name-<br> less at her own request felt quite a<br> sudden breeze down below when her new<br> sarong slipped free of her hips. <br> This wouldn't have been as much of an<br> issue if she weren't wearing her last<br> pair of "emergencies only" panties...<br> with holes in awkward places.<br> 2. Every time this gentleman would try<br> to get a picture of himself to send<br> out to a dating service, his cat Pogo<br> would somehow photo-bomb the shot,<br> until he eventually gave in and just<br> held the cat.<br> 3. A young woman thought she looked fab,<br> and went to take a selfie of herself<br> down in Riverside Park. Satisfied,<br> she posted the picture to her social<br> media accounts, only to receive <br> message after message asking her<br> about the dogs. Puzzled by this, she<br> looked more closely at the selfie,<br> and lo and behold, a pair of dog-<br> walkers were chatting on a bench, and<br> their pooches were doing it, doggy-<br> style of course, behind them.<br><br>Immortalized by the internet. Ever wonder<br>what aliens would think about our species<br>if they watched what we post for the <br>universe to see? |
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| − | | + | ==February 13, 2020== |
| − | ==February 8 2018== | + | |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a<br>whole lot of pink, and enough roses to<br>sink a boat. Or a float.<br><br>Kids, go gentle on the Valentine's float<br>in the parade this year. While I can't,<br>as a reasonable adult, condone sticking<br>fireworks under its chassis, the symbol-<br>ism of love going up in flames and then<br>setting the church on fire was a little<br>too close to the mark for a few ladies<br>last year, which did drive up subscrip-<br>tions to the paper and my column...<br><br>Maybe stick to uncomfortable red oozing.<br>No? Okay, how about wearing sheets and<br>putting on a Christmas Story parody with<br>the ghost of loves past? I know Harriet<br>isn't used to sneaking around under a<br>sheet in daylight, but I'm sure she<br>could make an exception to teach you a<br>few tricks.<br><br>In other news, Fort Brunsett has had yet<br>another series of violent crimes. Can't<br>say as I blame them. I get violent when<br>my car door freezes shut after an entire<br>day of freezing rain, myself.<br><br>I do not, however, then explode my car.<br><br>Yours truly hasn't gotten all of the<br>details on this one, but my sources did<br>say the driver was a criminal, and that<br>he was yelling about hung men and <br>midgets and rods that could shoot six<br>blocks. Somehow, as excellent as that<br>image is, I don't think that is quite<br>what happened.<br><br>Last but not least, the Last Chance<br>diner down in the junkyard had its own<br>dust-up. I'm told a gang of feisty<br>ne'er-do-wells got a face full of bacon<br>after interrupting Johnny Drexel at his<br>breakfast with a pretty girl. Gentleman<br>that he was, I'm told he even played <br>white knight to her when the rest of the<br>gang tried to beat them up when they <br>left the diner, aided by the Samaritan<br>Scooby Gang.<br><br>Thugs and assorted criminals, if you're<br>going to pick on a guy, pick on Drexel.<br>I want to see how many times I can tell<br>the same story before my editor<br>strangles me for it. | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>Kip Kensington-esque Valentine's Day fail<br>to share with you all. No, sadly, Kip<br>himself is not a part of it. Kip, you're<br>being entirely too circumspect lately.<br><br>But enough of Kip. On to today's gossip!<br>Upon waking up yesterday morning, the 80-<br>year old Mrs. Mitchell, a retired school<br>counselor, looked out her front door and<br>saw that she had a package waiting. Not<br>having ordered anything recently, she was<br>curious nonetheless, and the anonymity of<br>the box and its sender really should have<br>been a clue.<br><br>Long story short: a delivery of very sexy<br>toys and playthings spilled out in rubber<br>and lace all over her table...<br><br>Thankfully, a very "loving" note inside<br>the box sent with the items did include<br>the name of the intended recipient, a<br>young woman who lived in the house next<br>door. Let this be a lesson to all who<br>order gifts online: double-check your<br>delivery addresses, or you could send<br>kinky sex toys to grandmothers with heart<br>conditions.<br><br>Speaking of delving, have you all been<br>watching the news? What do you think<br>about prospectors looking at the mine<br>again? The town could use the money, as<br>Mayor Jack would be quick to agree, but<br>is it worth it to have all that noise<br>and fuss? Why don't we just make it a<br>historic landmark and be done with all<br>of this?<br><br>In lighter news, parents, don't forget to<br>pay a visit to the library on Main Street<br>before Saturday. There's a kiddie pool<br>of Goldfish crackers and a challenge to<br>guess how many are in the pool for you<br>and your kidlets to win. If you don't<br>have time to go in person, you can also<br>submit bets online, at the library web-<br>site. |
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| − | ==February 15 2018== | + | ==February 20, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, the parade<br>went off without a hitch. Or, rather,<br>without a torch. There was a lot of red<br>and pink confetti, and Mrs. Herringworth<br>may or may not have lost her dentures on<br>a lollipop, but the vampire fangs may or<br>may not have made it all worth it. <br><br>Seriously. Fangs.<br><br>Linda, you win at life. Then again, you<br>have had about twice as many years to<br>get better at it...<br><br>I hear tell a certain pair of teenagers<br>was trying to get better at something I<br>can't put in print, too. Kids, maybe<br>next time you should turn the car lights<br>off before you start making it bounce<br>around.<br><br>You know what else was bouncing? <br><br>Men. Three of them, and they were the<br>only ones to volunteer down at The Plank<br>on Amateur Night. That big boxer King<br>was down there, too, though I'm told he<br>wouldn't dance. Scoping out the compe-<br>tition, perhaps? His new establishment<br>does seem to lack a certain grit. That<br>could just be memories of my shoes get-<br>ting stuck to the floor by old glitter<br>and grog, however...<br><br>My sources also claim our favorite cop<br>crisper C.B. Alexander was there with<br>none other than Franklyn Garreau, and a<br>cutey no one could quite get the name<br>of, too. On Valentine's Day? I smell<br>a threesome in the air! Tell us, Mr.<br>Alexander, how do your cockles grow?<br>Pretty maids all in a row? | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, as it turns<br>out, cats really do know best about gold-<br>fish. Jack Desrochers Jr. is the winner<br>of the kiddie-pool contest, but the real<br>prize should be going to Bojangles, who,<br>I'm told, stood on the numpad, then sat<br>his fuzzy patoot down right on top of Mr.<br>Desrochers' mouse-hand. <br><br>Jack, you should know better than to ig-<br>nore Bojangles. You know what happened<br>last time.<br><br>Now, Rocco, what's this I hear about you<br>and that colorful young woman talking<br>about moving in together? Dana Shelley<br>says she overheard you two chatting about<br>looking for a place. And here I thought<br>that girl had better taste... Guess all<br>it takes to melt a heart of ice is a<br>washed up (please, wash up) punk rocker<br>with a mouth in need of soap.<br><br>Johnny Quilby knows all about mouths in<br>need of soaping, now, doesn't he? Shame<br>on you, teaching your baby brother to say<br>those bad words. Thank you for the laughs<br>we all got here at the office, however,<br>from watching the videos you posted on<br>the internet... Just wait until he gets a<br>little older and learns what those words<br>all mean. I'm surprised YOU do.<br><br>The rangers have a new one for us, too,<br>and I could have done without this one...<br>Evidently, a herd of deer has somehow<br>decided to use a particular section of<br>the forest as their personal toilet. He<br>has never seen so much deer crap in his<br>career, and he hopes he never sees that<br>much again. Or steps in it.<br><br>Mr. Fry, I hope so too, and please let me<br>know how my bribe of movie tickets for<br>you and your wife work out, for telling<br>me which valley to avoid. |
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| − | ==February 22 2018== | + | ==February 27, 2020== |
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| − | Enid was kidnapped!!
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| − | ==March 1 2018==
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| − | Enid is still missing!! Oh wait, she got away!
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| − | ==March 8 2018==
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| − | Enid is home! Yay! She is recovering, though, and couldn't collect enough gossip before her deadline.
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| − | ==March 15 2018==
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a<br>lot of gossip to catch up on! Here we go<br>now...<br><br>In older news, I owe Emmett Anderson a<br>great big thank you for egging my house<br>and getting punished for it. Thanks to<br>his mom, too, for punishing him! <br><br>Anyone else feel like weeding my flower<br>garden? I can sit inside and pretend to<br>get kidnapped again. Maybe a tropical<br>island this time; that would be an<br>improvement.<br><br>I'm told I missed the bombing of that<br>poor old bowling alley down in Fort<br>Brunsett, too. Can't say as I blame the<br>bombers, though. That place sold food I<br>never once didn't regret eating. Quick,<br>set up a petition -- better food for<br>better bowlers!<br><br>As much as we would all love to hear<br>that THE Mr. Alexander was responsible,<br>I'm afraid police have already confirmed<br>he wasn't on the premises. I did hear a<br>juicy tidbit about a drunken visit to<br>the hospital room of one Cerise Hodgson,<br>however, with a delectably pathetic<br>bouquet and a ward-load of yelling. Do<br>we have a new romance on the offing? One<br>that involves hospital security right<br>from the start can't possibly go wrong.<br><br>Speaking of bouquets...<br><br>Our favorite Kip has been seen buying<br>more than one handful of flowers lately,<br>and rumor has it, none of them have been<br>for Mina Grey!<br><br>Has the slutcracker ballerina lost her<br>leghold on his heart?<br><br>Is it true that they have ALL been for<br>one of his employees? Kip, do let us<br>know, there's a dear. Mandy needs the<br>laugh. A little birdy tells me she tried<br>climbing in HER employee's back window,<br>fell, and had to be rescued from the<br>town's worst window-wedgie in decades...<br><br> | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been<br>informed that Rocco would never consent<br>to the degree of cleanliness and non-<br>smoking which would be required to cohab-<br>itate with November.<br><br>Crushing our dreams of romance in the bud<br>seems to be a theme, lately, but don't<br>you worry, readers. Sit at Crossroads<br>Cafe long enough and you'll see exactly<br>what I mean.<br><br>Speaking of the cafe, Elmer, if I were<br>you, I'd give up on the giant bouquets of<br>roses and go for something subtler. A<br>nice necklace, or a bracelet... Why, I've<br>heard rumours of a new jeweler setting up<br>shop down in the city at the farmer's<br>market. She doesn't have much stock, but<br>she says she's made it all herself, and<br>my sources claim the gems look real,<br>engraved silver, filigree pendants, semi-<br>precious stones and all.<br><br>We're getting closer to March, and the<br>time of green beer approaches. I got a<br>sneak peek at the vats over at I Feel<br>Hoppy this week, and the brewery is kick-<br>ing into gear, big-time. <br><br>What do you think? What's your ideal<br>green in beer? If I'm going to be <br>drinking dye, I'd want to go all the way<br>in, but on the other hand, if they can<br>use natural ingredients to achieve simi-<br>lar coloration without sacrificing<br>flavor, which they claim they are going<br>to do, why not? |
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| − | ==March 22 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br><br>This week in Tamarack Falls, little John<br>Horner learned the hard way that, when<br>mama says to stop, you stop.<br><br>Don't worry. The ice broke his fall. And<br>his elbow. Condolences and Gibb slaps<br>may be directed to Mulberry Lane.<br><br>Speaking of self-injury, I just happened<br>to overhear a few police officers the<br>other day talking about Electric City<br>blowing up with some freak power surge.<br>My source wasn't as open as I would have<br>liked, so it could have been a Jane, Jan<br>or maybe even James. As your gossip<br>specialist, I fail you today. If you<br>know who got themselves maimed, share!<br>Inquiring minds want schadenfreude!<br><br>Now, Mayor Jack hasn't been in the paper<br>enough lately, in my opinion, so let's<br>share a wee tidbit of Spring silliness,<br>shall we? We all know he's a handsome<br>devil, and we all know he's an all too<br>sober one; trust me, the number of times<br>I've tried to get that man to drink...<br><br>Just the other day, Mandy Morrison says<br>she saw the Mayor out behind her house,<br>wearing red boxers with white hearts all<br>over, chasing down what she swore was a<br>little kid all dressed up like an elf.<br>Pretty thorough mask, too. They went<br>around the corner pretty quick, but I<br>now have it on excellent authority that<br>our Mayor has one spectacular ass.<br><br>Kip, however, has been concealing his.<br><br>Don't you know that no matter how many<br>girls you run through, trying to beat <br>the town's speed-dumping records, you<br>will always have our love? I know for<br>a fact that Sally Quinn has a mind to<br>share her muffins with you any time you<br>like. Of course, her boyfriend seemed<br>to disagree with the idea...
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| − | ==March 29 2018== | + | ==March 05, 2020== |
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| | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> | | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br> |
| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, the town's<br>favorite Kip Kensington is back in the<br>spotlight, and hoo boy, it's a doozy.<br>Miss Ethel says there she was, buying a<br>nice book for her little nephew over at<br>Homepage Books, when out of nowhere, <br>there he was, asking a female employee<br>if he was hot.<br><br>Just wait. It gets better.<br><br>THEN, he said something about getting a<br>raincoat to go meet another girl. A<br>girl who was not Mina, it must be noted.<br>Who IS this mystery woman on the phone?<br><br>Even better, reliable sources tell me<br>that Kip was overheard having a chat<br>with Copfire Alexander himself. Not just<br>a chat, no, but some rather pointed<br>questions about C.B.'s interest in Mina<br>Grey. Will this love triangle ever end?<br><br>Kip, our rabid readers are dying to know<br>the truth. When you talked with C.B.<br>about rings, was that for you or for one<br>of your harem? I'm told Cerise's name<br>came up, which could explain why you<br>were asking her if you were hot...<br><br>On the subject of lovely ladies, I have<br>it on good authority that local story-<br>teller and hair-dye enthusiast November<br>was seen down at Aspire by the hockey<br>rink with a rather talented young woman.<br>Talented in more than one way, it seems.<br>You go, girl. Turning a time-out box<br>into a kissing booth has the Enid stamp<br>of approval!<br><br>What doesn't have my approval?<br><br>Letting dogs take a dump on public land<br>and not cleaning it up. If anyone sees<br>the owner of a dog with a particularly<br>large rectum down by the Miller gardens,<br>do let me know, so I can thank them<br>for their contribution to the public<br>health and safety codes. | + | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>new brawl under our collective belts! I'm<br>pleased to say that, while patrons of the<br>library were disturbed by the noise out-<br>side, the two sisters involved, Merle<br>Dalton and Sophia Caruso, were courteous<br>enough to keep the fight to words instead<br>of blows. Why, I even heard bits of it<br>myself, through my little office window,<br>incoherent though it was. From what I've<br>gathered, folks say it was ultimately one<br>of the employees at Crossroads Cafe who<br>came out and broke it up. Those are some<br>tough women. I'm not surprised.<br><br>Speaking of Crossroads Cafe...<br><br>A tall, long-haired eccentric whom my<br>sources call Ishmael had a bit of a glit-<br>ter problem there. To be more specific,<br>he blew glitter all over that lovely<br>young lady, Saga, during breakfast.<br>Frankly, I'm surprised he was let inside<br>the building in the first place. Isn't it<br>supposed to be "No shirt, no SHOES, no<br>service"?<br><br>I've heard a few comments from the staff<br>over at Sweet Treats, too, about a man of<br>similar description loitering there for<br>an entire day. If he'd been doing some-<br>thing useful, they said, they wouldn't<br>have cared as much about his bare minimum<br>purchases and cheapo ways, but reading a<br>book with no text in it? Really?<br><br>As bizarre as this town can be, I have no<br>doubt he'll fit in just fine.<br><br>Last but not least, that freak hail storm<br>yesterday spooked part of the Fry dairy<br>herd, and I'm told they'll be looking for<br>some construction workers in the near<br>future, to replace the fencing scaredy-<br>cows broke through...<br><br>No one was hurt, and the ladies were re-<br>covered safely. They're in another field<br>for now, but don't you worry. I've been<br>assured that they'll be back home in a<br>jiffy. |
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| − | ==April 5, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told I<br>started rumors all on my lonesome, which<br>is an entertainment, I assure you. Yes,<br>I did indeed have clumps of extremely<br>handsome young gentlemen coming by my<br>office to give me gifts. Ladies, too.<br><br>Thank you, one and all, for your kind<br>words and wishes. Mr. Alexander, thank<br>you, too, for the effort you put into<br>telling the world I'm an abomination.<br><br>I respect your opinions. Mine differ.<br><br>Speaking of different, if you haven't<br>gone by the farm by the Fry fields, I<br>recommend a trip out west of town. The<br>Rackhams chalked each and every one of<br>their sheep in Easter egg stripes and<br>spots. I have been assured that all of<br>the chalk sprays used are biodegradable<br>and not harmful to the animals.<br><br>Belated Easter themes are the way to go,<br>it seems. I hear tell the mighty magic-<br>ians Haruki and Itsuki ran an Easter<br>event for kids with themed magic tricks,<br>an egg hunt and real rabbits. As a<br>gardener, I've gotta say, petting a<br>bunny isn't my current desire...<br><br>I know someone who does desire petting,<br>however. Tommy, next time you steal<br>your papa's liquor, leave the cell phone<br>at home. Drunk texting me, of all<br>people, is just asking for trouble. You<br>also owe me $5 for the bet you made that<br>I wouldn't print it.
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| − | ==April 12, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, a long-term<br>reader is determined to flood me with<br>rabbits.<br><br>Haruki, kid, you're a magician. Use your<br>magic to keep the gosh darned bunnies<br>out of my tulips, and I won't need to be<br>upset with them. They have a clover<br>patch and plenty of greens out in the<br>woods.<br><br>The deer have returned, too, as Delilah<br>learned the other night on Main Street.<br>Del, you let us know if the kids need a<br>ride anywhere. Let me know when you're<br>finally going to up that prescription on<br>your glasses, too, because your radiator<br>has the holes to prove that buck wasn't<br>a bush...<br><br>Speaking of friends in need, I hear tell<br>our favorite Kip managed to find some<br>booze down in Fort Brunsett this past<br>week. Who knew Cat-22 had a bar upstairs<br>and, more to the point, who knew Kip<br>actually drank in public? <br><br>Maybe he shouldn't have.<br><br>I'm told his 'not-nerdy girl' without<br>glasses and his lovely Mina had to drag<br>him, mumbling, down the stairs.<br><br>I'm also told he was talking to an<br>imaginary friend named Andrew over at<br>Homepage. Everything okay with you,<br>Kip? We adore you, and I can guarantee<br>Missy Miller would share some of her<br>famous peach pie if you were poorly. She<br>told me just the other day how much she<br>loves reading about you in the paper,<br>didn't she, Missy?<br><br>The fanfic shipping of you and C.B. is<br>still the best. Bernadette Peters has<br>sent in three comics of you two, and<br>I'm told I am supposed to tell her mama<br>that she expects to be called B.P. now<br>in C.B.'s image, and plans on setting<br>fire to any broccoli which finds its way<br>onto her plate at night.<br><br>B.P., you are an inspiration to us all.
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| − | ==April 19, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I remain a<br>victim of rabbit flooding. Kid, I live<br>surrounded by fields, and trees. If they<br>aren't getting enough grass, that's not<br>my fault.<br><br>What IS my fault is the delectable snack<br>tray at the newspaper headquarters this<br>week. I shamelessly self-advertise my<br>cooking, and invite everyone to mail in<br>any and all advice to make it better.<br>Mayor Jack, I already have yours. No, I<br>will not stop baking.<br><br>While I won't stop baking, you all won't<br>stop loving, for which I'm thankful. <br>Please, keep loving each other, and keep<br>having disasters like that incident down<br>at the mall last week. Bandies, if you<br>read this, correct me. A group called<br>'Red Lost Dead Lost' was performing in<br>the food court, and ended up finishing<br>with a Springer-worthy love triangle, a<br>failed proposal and an outing, all at<br>once. Come to think of it, our local<br>magician was there, too...<br><br>Haruki, are you getting into the match-<br>making business?<br><br>Speaking of matches, I haven't heard any<br>news about our darling Kip, ladies, so<br>don't you worry. If he falls over and<br>dies, I'm sure we'll all hear about it.<br>The cops are asking folks to stop lining<br>up outside Homepage, however, and I am<br>going to say this only once: I am not<br>giving anyone either Kip's or Mr. C.B.<br>Alexander's personal addresses, phone<br>numbers or any other information. Please<br>stop asking!<br><br>Let's start thinking about frozen bread,<br>instead. Who do you think the winner's<br>going to be? Give me your ideas! What<br>themes do you think the Spring Fling is<br>going to end up stuck with? Can't be<br>worse than that Spongebob Squarepants<br>debacle three years back...
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| − | ==April 30, 2018==
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| − | <span style="font-family: Consolas, monaco, monospace;"> T A M A R A C K T I M E S<br> GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT<br>
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, a certain<br>newspaper owner has learned a valuable<br>lesson: don't tick off the high schooler<br>who was hired to bring half-decent<br>coffee.<br><br>The high schooler has learned, in turn,<br>that watching where she stomps may be<br>a good idea when carrying an armful of<br>paper cups full of steaming hot java.<br><br>The electrician who was updating our<br>circuit breaker has, in turn, learned<br>just how long it takes to clean out the<br>electrical conduits and fix shorted<br>wires...<br><br>Long story short, sorry for the late<br>publication, folks.<br><br>Also, sorry, Hank. How was I supposed<br>to know the dye on the bandage would<br>bleed? Better you than me, though. I<br>don't look great in pink hearts.<br><br>Following up on our apparent rabbit<br>theme, lately, I'm told Haruki was seen<br>running about down in Fort Brunsett's<br>riverside park on spring stilts, dressed<br>up as a rabbit and making origami, you<br>guessed it, more rabbits, for children.<br><br>Kid, try a cat or something. Be a super<br>hero. No way is DC Comics going to make<br>a movie for Rabbitman.<br><br>Speaking of heroes, I hear Jack Fry has<br>made a name for himself as an otter<br>whisperer. I've been sent at least four<br>YouTube links to videos and commentary<br>on the incident, and on his heckler.<br><br>Your park rangers in action, folks.<br>Kudos, Jack. <br><br>P.S. The otter's cuter.
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| − | ==May 3, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a<br>bit of fun about local contractor and<br>amateur fisher Leon Huskey. See, he went<br>on down to the fishing spot by South-<br>bridge, and as I hear it, HE says he<br>tripped over some sort of pothole in the<br>dirt. Caught himself a good crack on<br>the jaw for it, too, but no one else has<br>seen so much as a whisker of a pothole<br>there. Leon, if it makes me kiss dirt<br>as well as you did, I don't even want to<br>know what you were drinking.<br><br>Speaking of the river, May first has<br>come and gone, and that means those zany<br>Lefevres were prancing around doing as<br>pagans do to celebrate Beltane. I hear<br>tell our old Hollywood Hopeful, Cam, was<br>seen giving his sister's roomie cow-eyes<br>while singing a love song on his guitar.<br><br>Is romance in the air? Time will tell!<br><br>If Cerise's bruises are C.B.'s form of<br>romance, however, I don't want them.<br>Now, I, for one, don't think the guy<br>did it, but I've heard plenty of voices<br>wondering whether Cerise could really<br>get THAT many bruises just from slipping<br>on a couple of rocks under a stream.<br><br>Cerise, do tell. Were you doing a tango<br>out there somewhere? I hear Kip's pretty<br>terrible at dancing, so I wouldn't put<br>it past the guy to end up giving you an<br>elbow to the eye...
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| − | ==May 10, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have only<br>good to say.<br><br>Promise.<br><br>It's the talk of the town that Jack Fry<br>may be even more of a stand-up guy, if<br>you know what I mean. Why, Trudy at the<br>general store was saying just the other<br>day that when he was out shopping, she<br>overheard a twenty-something girl call<br>him her daddy, and wasn't she just the<br>spitting image of the late Mrs. Fry...<br><br>Welcome to town, kid. Go do something<br>inadvisable and fun.<br><br>Speaking of "inadvisable and fun" things<br>to be doing, I hear tell a trucker on<br>his way through may have had a bit too<br>much to drink. Either that, or he's a<br>fibber. Now, I got this from a few<br>different sources, but as best I can<br>piece it together, the man was trans-<br>porting crates of food. When he got<br>out and started unpacking it all, he<br>found two cans had been opened and eaten<br>up, turned into "mice" with some craft<br>paper and glue. <br><br>Just wait. It gets even better.<br><br>See, along with the "mice" left there,<br>some-mouse left copious quantities of<br>glitter, complete with teensy tiny foot<br>prints all over the back of the truck.<br>Another driver, heading to town last<br>Tuesday night, saw two sparkling kids<br>laughing their fool heads off jumping<br>out of a truck at a stop light, but<br>when he went back to check it out, all<br>he found was a splash of glitter on the<br>road.<br><br>Kids, needless to say, it's not a smart<br>idea to hitch-hike and it's not a legal<br>idea to hitch-hike and steal a company's<br>property, even if it tastes fantastic,<br>though canned food tasting fantastic is<br>a speculation I'll save for a column<br>where I'm allowing myself to say things<br>which aren't good.<br><br>Last but not least, what's this about<br>Miss Mina wearing a particular ring on<br>her finger? Do tell! That's the kind<br>glitter we all WANT to see.<br>
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| − | ==May 17, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a<br>LOT to get through. You folks are great!<br><br>First, I heard a little birdy down at<br>the Seventh House Cafe saying that the<br>owner, Avalon, is planning on hosting<br>some sort of fair in the near future.<br>As long as the White Witch of the North<br>here has some good black tea, I'm in.<br><br>Now, I'm doubtful on this one, but I'm<br>morally obligated to defend your goats<br>and virgins: watch out for so-called<br>Satanists on July 27th. I hear they're<br>setting up for some big event down by<br>the river.<br><br>Events are the way to go, it seems,<br>because the gold-flinging Logan Brenner<br>is up to it again. I haven't been able<br>to get details, so you'll have to stay<br>tuned for those, but it sounds like he's<br>planning a big lakeside barbecue down in<br>Fort Brunsett for charity. Anyone<br>feeling hungry?<br><br>If you're feeling hungry for abuse, our<br>favorite curmudgeon Ryan Dunnage seems<br>to have a new favorite topic. Ryan,<br>what's up with Thompson Meadows? If you<br>want romantic advice, I bet that cute<br>Japanese magician can help you win him<br>over... haven't seen Meadows in weeks,<br>so whatever you're doing, I don't think<br>it's working. Come to think of it, I<br>haven't seen Roberto Alvarez around,<br>either. What do you think, folks? He and<br>Meadows gone off to get hitched?<br><br>Seems there's been a rash of Christmas<br>capers around town, too. I've had four<br>people say they got a Christmas card and<br>started having weird stuff happen. Where<br>are the Ghostbusters when you need them?<br><br>For that matter, where's a Boba Fett?<br>Get this. Mr. Oswald Addington, one of<br>the Councilmen down in Fort Brunsett,<br>actually has a bounty out on the ballsy<br>artist who painted a three-headed cat on<br>his town car. $150 for a lead, $300 for<br>the culprit. Anyone got a good speeder?<br><br>Last but not least, does Kip have a new<br>admirer? A certain Megan Sato has been<br>seen in and out of Homepage, and hoo boy<br>has she been loud. If not Kip, I know a<br>certain employee who's not a bad looker<br>at all... Something going on that you<br>want to tell us, Cerise?
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| − | ==May 24, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, we get the<br>joy of knowing that Amanda Rachne's food<br>will be gracing someone else's tables. I<br>hope her new husband has a strong<br>stomach! That said, Mandy, we'll all<br>miss your basket-weaving. Send us a note<br>from Colorado, and stop by the office<br>before you go. We'll keep in touch!<br><br>I hear tell some specifically unnamed<br>magicians would like to start up debate<br>about which one of them is cuter than<br>the other. See Haruki and Itsuki for<br>details, though given that I'm told bad<br>things happen to the places they plan <br>to perform, maybe you should wait until<br>after they open up their magical museum.<br><br>While I don't know of any fires being<br>set in anybody's hearts this past week,<br>I'm sure glad the real thing is done and<br>gone. We here at the Times would like to<br>give a great big thank you to all of the<br>volunteers and responders who helped out<br>with taming the wildfires this past week<br>out in the west valley.<br><br>I do know that a certain teenaged some-<br>one came by to leave Mr. Arnold a love<br>note, however...<br><br>Sorry to say, kid but I don't think you<br>really have a chance. He's a one-woman<br>cat, and Missy Potts is his woman.
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| − | ==May 31, 2018==
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| − | <br>This week in Tamarack Falls, let's all<br>take a minute to get sappy here, and<br>think about gratitude. I, for one, am<br>very grateful that we have so many good<br>men and women here in town willing to be<br>volunteers out west. The town is a<br>little emptier, a little quieter,<br>without you all, but with luck and good<br>hard work, they'll track down that<br>bomber and give them what they deserve.<br><br>Done being sappy? Good. Now for some<br>gossip.<br><br>Now, anyone with eyes knows that Cerise<br>Hodgson is around our favorite Alexander<br>on a regular basis. Gotta wonder whether<br>he's starting to rub off on her, though.<br>I've heard from multiple sources that<br>she's been spotted wandering around the<br>city in various states of drunkenness<br>lately. Cerise, if it's man troubles,<br>I'm useless, but I do know the name of<br>a good couples therapist...<br><br>Speaking of women with problems, while I<br>commend your dedication to your health,<br>Franklyn, there are safer places for you<br>to walk than down the riverbank at night<br>around here, and you of all people<br>should know better.<br><br>Folks have been busy this week, so stay<br>with me, here, readers. Gossip, speed-<br>run style!<br><br>I'm told there has been a gaggle of gun-<br>shots down by Snake Creek. Whoever's out<br>there, find a shooting range, would you?<br>The noise is getting old for residents.<br><br>Remember Thompson Meadows? Apparently,<br>one of the Utridge bachelors was picked<br>up by a blonde seen going in and out of<br>Meadows' home.<br><br>Mr. Meadows himself seems to have found<br>a pot of luck, however. Word is his new<br>prosthetics are the work of some young<br>savant called Widget. Could be worse. I<br>knew a guy called Dick N. Bhallis once.<br><br>The Frys are having fun with the prep<br>for the Pink Cow Run, meanwhile, though<br>I'm not sure how the Trojan Cow is going<br>to come into the action... I've made my<br>obligatory inappropriate joke for the<br>day, so you can go ahead and imagine a<br>whopper about wooden bovines yourself.<br><br>I'm told the lights went out down by the<br>Riverside markets last Tuesday. Darker<br>than the inside of a cat, not that I<br>have any personal experience with the<br>inside of felines.<br><br>I don't have a lot of experience with<br>fossils, either, but get this: someone<br>found some great big honking bones from<br>pleistocene beluga whales, of all<br>things, and a fully intact mammoth<br>skeleton. Gotta say, my bet's on hoax.<br>Anyone who knows about it, you let us<br>all know; inquiring minds, and all that.<br><br>Speaking of animals, the artist with the<br>three-headed cat has competition. I'm<br>told a number of strange symbols have<br>been cropping up all over town on cars,<br>buildings, even pets. I've known a few<br>perfectly reasonable Satanists in my<br>time, but this is a bit strange, even<br>for them. I don't know if I believe<br>the rumors that they're behind it all.<br><br>Last but not least, Melinda Bates says<br>she's seen a strange man in an orange<br>suit stumbling around town at night, but<br>she couldn't understand what he was<br>saying. Whatever it was, he sure liked<br>yelling it.
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| − | ==June 7, 2018==
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| − | This week in Tamarack Falls, it sounds<br>like we have a lost Alexander wandering<br>around town. No one got a name, but if<br>you're reading this, kiddo, check out<br>the Stone & Crown Shipping down in FB. I<br>would advise learning some Spanish, too,<br>while you're at it. Lolo's swearing is<br>something to be admired.<br><br>Franklyn's decisions, however, are less<br>admirable.<br><br>We have people in three camps: camp #1<br>thinks she was down there setting off a<br>few harmless fireworks. Camp #2 says<br>she's been dating C.B. too long and set<br>a few small fires for kicks and giggles<br>and the pure cussed joy of it. Camp #3<br>is my personal favorite: her pet<br>hamster died a noble death, and she was<br>there to give it a Viking funeral upon<br>the water.<br><br>Speaking of water, the Pink Cow Run went<br>off swimmingly -- literally, in some<br>cases.<br><br>I'm told Avalon Lefevre dunked Jimmy Fry<br>into the water tank with one throw, that<br>cutey Maggie Locklear pinking him up<br>right afterward. The ladies pinked up<br>more than Jimmy, too, from all I hear.<br>Albert, you may have some competition<br>for good arms... Maybe you should take a<br>few pitching lessons from them. I don't<br>know about you, but breaking your mama's<br>kitchen window, twice, in one week, is<br>something I'd want to learn how to stop.<br><br>Speaking of Frys, I hear tell that Jack<br>fellow has a mighty fine chest, but <br>don't get your hopes up, ladies; Gladys<br>was out walking those mops she calls<br>dogs bright and early, and spotted him<br>at Dr. Gallagher's cabin. Now, THAT is<br>a form of anthropology I wouldn't mind<br>studying...<br><br>I hear Kip was doing a bit of 'studying'<br>himself recently with that Zillah from<br>the shop next door. Despite claims to<br>the contrary, I've met the guy, and it's<br>my not inconsiderable opinion that he's<br>way too much of a marshmallow to hurt<br>his darling Mina.<br><br>Then again, if they broke up...<br><br>Inquiring minds want to know, Kip. How's<br>your love life? Still in love?
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| − | ==June 14, 2018==
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| − | Enid Schmitt is not having a good year. She was in the hospital this past week after someone tried to kidnap her.
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| − | Elsewhere in the paper, it is explained that the assailants are unknown, but they were wearing dark suits, and police are investigating the incident.
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Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.
Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.
This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.
