Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2017
Year 2017 - Archive of Tamarack Times Gossip Column
March 16 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all
learned the value of not trusting Jimmy
Miller when he says his dog is smart.
No smart dog would run in front of a
plow going full-tilt, but the vet says
the pup's going to recover just in time
for the Spring tourist season and
chasing muddy motorcycles.
What isn't going to recover? Maddy
Nichols' flower beds, seeing as Mr.
Miller ran that plow up over the curb.
Lopped the heads right off four of the
gnomes, too.
A newcomer got in a good brawl this
past weekend in front of Cyclone, too,
and that makes the sixth since the new
bar opened. Six fights in a month.
What does this mean for you, my readers?
Jack squat. The Mayor, I have it from a
reliable source, has no intention of
telling that nice young lady off.
March 23 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Spring has
sprung, and what it's sprung is a great
big leak. Word to the wise: don't let
your pipes freeze like a certain
somebody down on Main Street, or you get
what they got: a hefty bill and soggy
floors.
Keep those faucets dripping!
Speaking of dripping, now, I don't
usually go for the dark meat, but
there's a huge hunk of stranger around
town who's more than enough to warm my
oven. I'm minded to ask him over for a
cup of sugar, if Lou and BangBang don't
get to him first.
Seems there's been banging of a
different kind up on the mountain. Odd
noises in the mine, lights at night.
I'd keep my teenagers pent tight if I
had any. Never know what those kids
will go and get into.
March 30 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the town
had its first shooting in a long, long
while. All of you coffee addicts will
have to get your fix elsewhere, because
this columnist is told by a reliable
source that the Crossroads Cafe is going
to be closed until Friday morning. Hope
the owner's taking time to write up how
she wants that story told.
Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied
with my own little eye none other than
Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in
one mighty big hurry. Can't be
drinking, because we all know the Mayor
would never touch lip to bottle on the
job. Isn't that right, Suzanne?
I don't know about you, but I've heard
some mighty fine things about our Miller
boys this season for the roads, as much
snow as we've been getting, and I'm
giving them a shout-out for a job well
done. Now if only they could do it
without shirts... Hubba hubba. Rest
assured, if you boys ever want to do a
calendar for charity, the Enid Schmitt
Foundation will gladly accept your kind
donation.
April 06 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've seen
what happens when you drive a motor bike
into a river. We've also seen what
happens when your mother finds out about
it, haven't we, Jimmy?
Don't stop. You provide so many column
inches.
Got some delicious hints swirling around
town this week of a new baker on the
loose, but no one's owning up to leaving
cupcakes on doorsteps just yet, or what
exactly those sprinkles on top were made
of. Watch out, Martha. You could have
some competition.
Watch out for moose!
Heard tell one of the farmers west of
town had an antlered visitor attempting
to make nice with his Morgans the other
day. She wasn't having any, and that's
a damn shame, with a rack like that.
April 13 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is
busy busy busy, and so is the gossip!
With Easter only days away, you'd think
people would know better than to go egg-
tossing at police cars, wouldn't you,
Mikey? Once you're done hand washing
all of the squad cars, mind coming over
to do mine?
I've seen a lovely young lady out and
about a-wandering this week, but no
handsome young lad to accompany her on
the riverbank. Watch the east, now.
Things on that side get slippery.
The mystery cupcakes continue!
Who IS our secretive pastry chef? Lou
and Bang Bang say they're offering a
free hair cut to anyone who can identify
the source of their decadent delectables
this week.
April 27 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had
an exciting go of it, but if you don't
like tall, dark, mysterious strangers,
why do we care anyway? This man rolled
in on a bus at an ungodly hour, I tell
you, I've heard it from a reputable
source myself, wearing all black, and
talked with a few foreigners for hours.
Just who is this mystery man, and how
can I convince him to come over for MY
coffee? Hubba hubba.
Certain indiscretions were overheard,
I'm told, at the Crossroads Cafe. Now
I wasn't there myself, but in my humble
opinion, people with so many secrets
really ought to be better at keeping
them. Most folks aren't so pleased
about going to court, young man. Be
careful what you say.
Be careful what you eat, too, because by
golly these cupcakes just keep coming.
Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come
up and lie about baking them again.
I've tasted your cooking, and it's
enough to make a cat laugh!
May 04 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had
a delicious little peccadillo at the new
bookstore in town. I've had reliable
reports of more than one romantic
entanglement gone wrong, and, even
better, I hear tell a lady stormed out
altogether after a certain pint-sized
bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.
Hot sales at Homepage! Thefts, too. A
few books seem to be missing, but with
the owner such a hot item, I wouldn't
presume to wonder why...
Speaking of shopkeepers, someone ought
to set up a secret sale over at
Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got
some folks who can't keep their mouths
shut in public. There are better
places to chit-chat about local queens,
and if I'm hearing about it, how many
others are?
If you haven't been down to the Evelyn
Miller Memorial Gardens yet, do it,
because showers of white petals are
about as close to snowfall as I want to
think about right now. Is Winter over?
May 11 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the rising
temps have seen a corresponding rise in
idiots thinking the signs about rapid
currents are for amateurs. Really,
Megan, you didn't have to prove your
parents right BEFORE you left for
college. They always told you not to
date him. This is why. Go have a
coffee, meet a handsome god. Have a
fling you'll never forget.
Speaking of flinging with gods, trouble
in paradise? Forget what I said last
week about a secret-share. We just need
a full-time time-share with that cutey
Hazel on the Crossroads Cafe, Thom,
because she's giving us a spot with so
much material! And men. The men!
The screaming, the throwing, the drama,
la, c'est vraiment magnifique!
Last week's book owner gave us all
another stunning example of what NOT to
do in a relationship, and hoo boy, let
me tell you, kid, skirt-hopping after
popping your cherry with a girl is not
a way to make a friend. I could use
your name, but then, you already had
it shouted across the entire cafe.
There's such a thing as pity.
Have mine.
May 18 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have to
applaud the folks trying to hook me up
with Bigfoot. Don't get me wrong. I
like...big...men as much as the next
woman, but the hair? Would YOU want
that between your teeth? Nice try,
kiddos.
Speaking of big men, I hear tell that
Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.
Tough to get prettier than he is, and my
reliable source confirms that they went
quite out of their way to have a very,
very expensive bite to eat. Keep the
beauties here, folks! Someone go get
rich and build a fancy restaurant called
Something Blue. Pay me a nice juicy
commission and the IP's yours!
Sadly, not everyone is hooking up this
week. Sorry, Betsy. I told you, lemon
juice down under on date night, not a
good idea. What guy wants his girl to
show up with yellow unmentionables? Not
any I know, that's for sure. Heard tell
of an oddball breakup at Crossroads
Cafe, too. Who'd WRITE their breakup
lines and hand them to a guy instead of
SAYING them? Then again, given who it
was, staying quiet's an improvement.
Sorry, kid. Stop by the paper some time
for a bad coffee.
May 25 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, there was
quite the commotion over at our favorite
sap's book store. The way I hear it,
while the girl behind the counter tried
to hush it up with louder music,
customers report a woman shouting at
someone (three guesses who), and even
something shattering. Hoo boy, this
kid's a treat! Never leave. You make
my job a breeze, Kip.
Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?
Had a few muscled young farmers (hubba
hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying
around, no falconer in sight.
Mary Adams was mighty breezy, too, the
other day. What are you trying to do,
be Vermont's soggy Monroe? Who wears
white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?
Love the neon piglets on the
unmentionables.
Last but not least, catch it quick. I
hear they're power washing that horrible
wall lickety split to get it off.
Someone went and (spray)painted the city
red, some poem about sorrow and love
scribbled all over the side of a
building down by the corner of Rockdove
and Mack. Police are looking for the
artist to give them a talking to, and so
am I! I've got to know, how DID they
climb that wall? Do we have ourselves a
brand new Spiderman?
June 02 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had
a positive dearth (that's an SAT word,
Sally, but you wouldn't know that, on
account of skipping school to play with
Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from
the town's favorite bookstore owner.
Kip, you disappoint us.
News from Fort Brunsett says that local
Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity
like it's going out of style. The food
bank's sure to thank him, but where's
our cut? Hungry newspaper services need
to snack! I have a particular fondness
for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.
Those of you of a mind to go joining a
cult have got a new temple, I'm told.
Haven't visited myself, but reliable
sources say it's a hoot. Night club,
Fort Brunsett, keep your teens on
leashes, parents, because it sounds like
something right up their alley.
Last but not least, oh ho, not least by
far, we have a lovely contribution from
one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat. I hear
there was quite the handsome stud the
other day, took his clothes right off to
wash them all buck naked. A cowboy hat
over the fun bits really does ruin some
of the joy, but mister, whoever you are,
that grandmother says you can give her a
show whenever you like! Ladies, it's
time to break your washer and head to
the Laundromat because there's more than
suds perking up around there!
June 08 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we
had a record number of Web hits for SAT
words to stump me with. Try harder.
I have a few for you, my rabid readers:
* semaphore
* duress
* substantiate
They are all, one is certain, quite
appropriate words to use when describing
the delectable moaning at a certain
bookstore owner's table this week.
Surrounded by two women, no less.
In public. Kip, Kip, groupies already.
It sounds like one of those moaners is
prepping for a street fair, soon, and
wants me to get wet along with her. Far
be it from me to deny dunk tanks for
charity.
Hear that, Lou? That's the sound of a
good dye job spiraling down the drain,
and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.
June 15 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &
State" by a mystery admirer. Patron's a
little masculine, don't you think? I'll
put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm
up for titles, folks. Or Maven. That's
much better. What do YOU think?
The bonbons were delicious. Thank you!
Speaking of admirers, Tommy, you know
that little word Rebecah told you at the
farm? I hear you didn't. Also, keep a
better eye out for security cameras next
time you and the boys want to
'anonymously' egg my house, and at least
dye the shells first. White's so
ordinary, don't you think?
I hear tell the statue down on
Stagbridge got itself a golden surprise
of its own, not to mention any of the
cars driving past it. I think my tires
aspire toward pole-dancing, as much
glitter as they've got in their treads.
Gallons of gold glitter, I can see. The
gold top hat and suit? Sure hope they
don't want those back. I distinctly
recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.
June 22 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have the
inestimable joy of reporting that our
much-reported Kip is back in the paper:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!
Which of your girlfriends did you invite
to the party?
If you haven't checked out our local
Instagram princess, take a gander at
Franklyn Garreau. Then again, reliable
sources indicate she may be dating C.B.
Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?
I don't know about poaching, but setting
hearts on fire is one thing. Setting
hunks of fence on fire is something
altogether different, and the volunteer
firefighters are still looking for the
culprit on that one. Who needs a
bonfire in THIS weather?
No, Henrietta, despite best efforts to
the contrary, the burning smell down by
the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's
caboose. What sound DOES a frying pan
full of hot potatoes make against bare
skin?
June 29 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
we have a man down in the city who needs
to be disabused of his avian heredity. I
don't know what drugs he was on, but if
they can make a guy jump out of a tree
forty feet high, they've got to be some-
thing. Kids, don't do drugs. Hospital
bills are killers.
So are hunters, but it's not a hunter
bugging deer this time. Seems there was
a fight down at the The Union bar, not
unusual, Alexanders being Alexanders.
The hotties in blue didn't want it to
get out, but come, officers, how can we
resist? The deer was cheating, see. It
helped the other guy out, but in my
humble opinion, the deer's the real
victim here; it already died once. Let's
leave that buck alone.
Last but not least, this juicy tidbit
was witnessed by yours truly down at the
Crossroads Cafe just yesterday. Is our
favorite Kip being left behind? Mina, I
have to say, you look fabulous. Unlike
your choice in men.
Really, that hair?
Sid, darling, thank you for the flower.
Get a tailor. And a hairdresser. Don't
forget a barber.
July 06 2017
-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------
LETTER to the EDITOR
Dear Ms. Schmitt, reputations in public. Is this what
the area's populace consider
Since no one else will condemn your "entertainment"? Are you making a
travesty of a column, it falls upon living off the suffering of others?
me to do so. Then you need to stop and consider
what you're doing, not just what
In an area the size of the Fort generates more subscribers for your
Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column newspaper.
like yours can only sow strife and
discord. You're no doubt aware of the I will be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,
damage your column does, but you and I know I'm not the only one. We
continue thanks to "loyal" readership the people will not be silenced or
who likely slaver for whatever scraps intimidated by your petty, small-town
you deign to give them. small-mindedness. Remember that you
are a public figure, and public
You should be ashamed of yourself. I figures have a duty to do right by the
have personally witnessed or heard public.
tales of your column threatening
relationships, striking unnecessary Be seeing you,
terror into the hearts of the timid,
and causing people to fear for their Number Six
-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------
T A M A R A C K T I M E S trouble was looming overhead.
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Even Jack's. Don't listen to protests
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have otherwise.
the unalloyed joy of a threatening
letter to report, my rabid readers! It Second, I do have rather a lovely
slanders my reputation, which I am word affair with Kip, don't I? He is
perfectly capable of doing on my own, an exquisite example of the male
darling Six, and claims a conspiracy species. By drawing attention to the
of watchers -- just for me! pairings I do, I serve a social
purpose beyond my own pleasure,
I'm flattered. Truly. though I will be first to assure you
that writing about Kip is never dull.
Also, typewriters are fantastic, and
I would love to chat with you about Gossip brings people together.
the ink you used. I have an Olympia
myself, manual of course. There's Social rules these days aren't written
something so authentic about using in a book. We live them. By shining
equipment which will last a hundred the light of day on transgressions, I
years. show the community where it could use
a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,
Don't you agree? I make them laugh about it. We're a
small town in a great big world.
I do, however, disagree with you on
several points. Let us address them in Does the entire town need to know that
order, shall we? Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies
underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday
First, size has nothing to do with afternoon at church? Probably not,
the media's ability to influence the but the shame of it will keep the girl
public. It is our duty and our from doing it again, now, won't it,
privilege to report, faithfully, the Essie?
issues of the modern era. In my case,
this being an entertainment column, Does the entire town need to know that
yes, dear, revenues do indicate a I admired the hot new teller at the
significant value in my opinions, and hardware store? Probably not, but he
I have the personal gratitude of many should be a firefighter so I can get a
who would otherwise never have known calendar and think about my misspent
youth...
July 13 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
delighted by the show of support from my
loyal readers. Thank you for your
letters, ladies and gents.
As for Six... Surely you were joking.
Telling me to throw my darling
typewriter out a window is not the
commentary of a man who truly respects
his machines.
On better news, our beloved Kip has used
the kerfuffle to earn money for the
local library, for which I thank him,
and I only regret he wasn't there to
sell me my 'E' pin all by himself.
He did, however, give me my very own,
via Ms. Green, for which I thank him. I
always knew I was a Queen!
Speaking of queens, I hear tell one of
Kip's many ladies may be hitting the
stage again, and wouldn't that be a
treat? Break a leg, Mina! I forgive
your lapse in judgement.
For the rest of the Sixers out there, I
fully expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a
la West Side Story, down Main Street.
Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,
can't you? I know you will.
July 20 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a record number of fender benders, and I
can't say I blame them. 'Pretty Woman'
doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were
less happily married to my job, I might
be jealous at all the attention she's
been getting. Whoever she is.
Keep an eye out down by the riverbank.
Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want
any accidents.
In other news, it seems Cyclone is off
the hook for the latest public brawl,
folks. None other than our favorite Kip
was seen at Homepage Books duking it out
with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ
on whether it was over who was better in
the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.
Personally, seeing as there was shouting
and carrying on from at least two women,
one of which is the lovely Mina, the
other of which is an Angel, I'm leaning
toward the gentlemen brawling over hot
dates. Or their dates' honor...
I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl
for MY honor, that's for sure. What do
you say, folks? Feel up to fighting
the good fight?
July 27 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
very little gossip-worthy action. Such a
shame.
That said, Kip, you should go out and
talk to Emma about cows. I hear tell a
heifer had a thing or two to say about
a certain someone daydreaming instead of
paying attention to where she was going.
Crews are still working to clean up the
tree limbs brought down by that freak
thunderstorm earlier this week, so be
patient and be careful if you're
thinking about hiking up Salvation. If
you're thinking about hiking up
Mischance, take care, and watch out for
Adam Morrison. Young, black hair,
creative. His friends said he was last
seen near the mines during a LARP. The
Miller boys intend to do a grid search
of the area this weekend if he isn't
found.
August 17 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, at last I
return from two weeks in sunny, utterly
dull and boring Florida. Not a single
thing worthy of my talents, which says a
bit in and of itself. I'm with Green,
Frank. Arcadia's a bad idea.
I hear tell life around town got all the
excitement I missed! Riot #1, exploding
ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague
Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight
and local DJ for WFBR, has been sharing
that British charm with anyone who asks.
Lie back and think of England, indeed.
A little birdy with much better pitch
than a certain laundromat owner tweeted
about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,
last Friday, if by good you mean a rip-
roaring riot over local-author-on-the-
lam C.B. Alexander, poetry and, oddly,
the rights of vegetables. Exploding
lights, this time, instead of ice cream
tubs, but this reporter wonders.
Last but not least, hometown hopeful
Cameron Lefevre has returned from his
failure at acquiring success and musical
obscurity. Don't worry, Cam. We're all
family here. No one will ever forget,
but we laugh because we care. Also
because it was hilarious schadenfreude,
but that's beside the point.
Welcome home. Bring an extra string to
your show in the park next week, kiddo.
August 24 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we say a
fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,
long-term member of the community, and
I, for one, will miss his sermons on the
souls of fruitcakes. Remember, it's all
in the nuts.
What a surprise to hear about Mr. C.B.
'Copfire' Alexander being nuts himself.
Takes one to know one, right? Bet his
book sales are going through the roof.
Kudos, kid. Pity it wasn't just a pub-
licity stunt. Or was it?
Get this, too. At a reader's request, I
sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They
just sent their response: not just a
letter, but an actual FORM letter from
Sai Joshi, he of the incomparable
eyelashes, stating that while he is
aware they are abnormally long, they are
quite natural.
A form letter.
This begs the question: how many people
ask about his eyelashes? Has he ever
thought about trimming them? Cosmetic
eyelash buzzing could become a whole
new trend.
August 31 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not
much from our own back yard. Let's get
started on a high note: passers-by near
Majesty Records the other morning saw a
certain bookstore owner and radio Queen
'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully
cozy. Is this why his coffee mug at
Homepage clearly showed lip prints in
her shade of lipstick? What does Paige
have to say about this, and how many
pieces will he be in when she's done?
Speaking of tumultuous romances, the up
and downs with Franklyn are enough to
make me dizzy. Personally, I'd like to
know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire
when he got discharged from the hospital
the other day. What angle does she have
on the guy? Is getting a play out of
him that important?
Heard tell there was a lady going into
Cat-22 covered in blood, which doesn't
bode well for C.B. staying out of jail,
now, does it? Same person who started
the riot, I'm told, but my sources
didn't give me any names. Don't worry.
I'll keep digging. So will the police,
if what was in her bag was really as
suspicious as it seemed...
Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard
diner. I don't know about you, but that
Last Chance place is going to need some
out of this world delicious meals or
have some pretty fancy gimmicks to get
me in there to try '90s mystery meat.
September 07 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a dearth of fiery gossip. So sad. I am
disappointed in you all.
So is this guinea pig I heard of down at
our local Instagram princess' theatre
sleepover party. There are a few rumors
floating around as to his identity, but
none conclusive. The great guinea pig
remains a mystery. Superheroes used to
be a bit more impressive...
On the bright side, the slumber party
was a success, though I've heard several
reports of horrific nightmares since.
Just what was in the water?
Even better, our favorite CB is in the
news again. Seems there was a gas leak
down in Fort Brunsett at Her Majesty's
record store, with 'gnarly' (who uses
that word?) graphic gushing nosebleeds
and foul smells. Does CB just like the
sight of blood? He's been in two riots
that I'm aware of, he firebombed a
police station, and now this. Mr.
Alexander, Tamarack Falls would like to
know.
Are you a vampire?
September 14 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at
last, another rumor about our favorite
bookstore owner. I have it on good
authority that he was seen walking out
of a local bar with a lovely redhead on
his arm. Bill's Bar, to be precise.
If anyone's keeping track of the women
in his life, let me know, because at
this point I've lost count!
Adorkable is in, ladies. Catch him if
you can.
Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob
quarterback Simon Desrochers may or may
not have been invited to try out for a
certain very famous football team which
surely none of us will guess. You go,
boy! Won't convince Suzie you weren't
necking with Annette in the back seat on
the way out to practice, though.
I've been practicing a bit, myself. The
fine art of writing sonnets, however,
still eludes me.
Try this one on for size:
The buds of Summer bloom, and die, and
fade.
What hope has he to warm us Winter long?
He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but
staid.
His heart is caught in his own lonely
song.
The mountains sigh and shiver in the
cold,
With icy winds no mortal may resist.
Ignoring Autumn's stories, he grows
bold.
He questions, begs and threatens to
persist.
How then shall we treat a heart so
sure?
So certain, firm and faithful to his
truth?
It trembles, quakes and quivers to
immure
The friendly public's foibles as
uncouth.
It does him little good to hold aloof.
For me, I only hope we're fireproof.
--
Woo me with poetry, not with abuse, my
darling Alexander. Until we meet again.
September 21 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not
currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-
der threw a bit of biological warfare
in through my living room window. It
was a good window, too.
More importantly, you left your finger
prints all over it, kid. Already talked
to the deputy. Your parents have been
informed. Please don't do that again. I
won't mention it if you don't.
Now, my columns will be written a bit
more slowly until this arm heals, but I
do apologize for missing last week's
deadline. Cows wait for no man. Or me.
Obviously. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, ask Green. Shh. She
doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'
Now down to business. I've heard tell
that our local tea witch Avalon has been
making a lot of trips down to the river
lately. Point in fact, I've got three
separate eye witnesses attesting that
she's wandered on home soaked to the
bone three times in the past few weeks
alone.
Lonnie, are you trying to catch your
death?
It doesn't run fast. Definitely not as
fast as the Tam. Slower than Kip, too,
once word gets out. Just what WAS he
doing in that lingerie store, anyway?
Shopkeepers said he was in the male
section for half an hour, but wouldn't
tell my sources what he bought. More's
the pity.
September 28 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I learned
that I am getting old. A nice young man
from out of town insisted on helping me
walk across the street. Hopefully he
gets his Boy Scouts merit badge for it.
Thanks for making 40 feel like 80, kid.
I hope I meet a boy like you when I'm
really aged and decrepit.
Speaking of kids, I heard through the
grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused
some local drama at a children's birth-
day party. Sounds like a kid started
using pepper spray on the clown and
quoting some very inappropriate language
which I won't repeat in print. A local
Japanese magician's said to have stepped
in to take over, so kudos on not getting
Maced.
Violence is otherwise the theme de la
semaine. Got some very confused cows
thanks to the tippers out in the west
valley, more broken windows (thanks,
Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges
heading toward eastbank. Joy, Wendell,
you should know better. You should also
be more careful about setting lookouts
to warn you that someone's sitting there
having a morning coffee while you paint.
On a brighter note, I hear tell Candace
Malbury and Richard Miller were having
a grand old time while prepping for the
town's harvest fair yesterday...
I never knew you could do so much with a
single ear of corn. Never wanted to,
either. You may have scarred me for
life, but what do I know? I'm an old
lady who needs help crossing a street.
October 05 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK
in the limelight, people. I have not
one, not two, but THREE separate sources
citing fascinating little tidbits about
our favourite lady-charmer.
Charming to us, perhaps.
I hear tell that he left Cyclone in a
nasty mood the other night. Lovers'
quarrel? Why pay for beer when Paige
would give it to him free?
Maybe she's just jealous of his success,
assuming he really IS the secret author
of the Haris brother books. Rumor is,
the author is a local. Kip, are you
Nathalia Daring? You're concealing your
secret passion for C.B. Alexander,
according to a number of sources, and
you do seem to have a large number of
these delightfully torrid novels in your
stock. Tell all!
Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage
Books sure has a doozy. A brown paper
package addressed to the bookshop was
accidentally left at the real estate
agency on South Main and Mill, and
hoo boy, those girls got a surprise! No
brochures, but there was definitely a
ball-gag, an eight foot long bullwhip
with a mighty interesting handle, and a
single copy of '212 Step Guide to the
Art of Masculine Domination' signed by
the author with the personalisation of:
"You can do it, buddy!". Apparently the
girls at the estate agency just didn't
know what to do. Maybe they were scared
the proprietor next door would love
their neighbour as they love themselves.
Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither
Nancy Drew nor Jessica Fletcher, but I
do appreciate the intimation that 40 is
still below the aged and decrepit line.
You're welcome to help me across the
street any day, handsome.
October 12 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
few relationship squabbles and a few odd
events, but let's get to the juicy stuff
first.
Number One: Jason Weatherby, don't you
know by now not to go slicking your wick
in places it shouldn't go?
Number Two: Anita and Josephine aren't
your type, George. Trust me. The words
I have refrained from printing about
you on account of your papa being nice
to me in high school...
Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy
little fox. I didn't know you had it in
you. You go girl!
Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all
get to play at being fair maidens (well,
some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah
darling) soon. I heard tell that const-
ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is
going to be a perpetual jousting tourney
and such. Costumes and riding lessons,
sword fighting, and possibly a polar
bear, though I personally suspect my
source had had a bit too much of the
aqua vitae.
Have to wonder if our local Instagram
princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit too
much to drink, herself. I've heard from
six sources, now, that she was seen down
in our favourite Alexander's Cat-22,
barely dressed, laughing and humming and
writing who knows what down. Whatever it
was, we'll never know, too, because I'm
told a fellow (fella? sources couldn't
decide) named Teagan took a bat to the
table, then shredded it all.
Franky, Franky. What are you doing?
You're supposed to date that charmer
Amanda, not give C.B. more reasons to
give our fine officers hot feet.
It does seem Green's got herself at
least one admirer, even if it isn't you.
Heard tell there was a fine Japanese
gentleman wandering around drugged to
the gills and rambling love poems.
Then again, the way this town is going,
maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,
do tell. Do you like your men all soft
and mumbly?
October 19 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we don't
need our jackets much; it's summer all
over again. Whichever of you's whisper
ing sweet nothings into Autumn's ears, I
hope you can explain yourself to the
forsythia. It's not even close to being
Spring, and my poor, confused bushes are
trying their utmost to bloom.
Emily's blooming too, I hear. Kudos,
kiddo. Congratulations on the scholar
ship.
Kudos to a stranger named Ziv as well,
and I'm sure Crumpet would thank her if
a dog could talk. I've heard a few
folks chitter-chattering away about her
heroic stormdrain pup rescue services.
Now, if only somebody could rescue our
darling Bill's head. The Scouts tried
to honor the guy by hanging up a sign
above the doorway to the bar, but some
kid obviously hasn't done his carpentry
merit badge yet, on account of how the
nails weren't really holding that thing
to the wall...
Don't worry. It's a mild oak-induced
concussion. He's cussing alright, and
fit to spit nails. Not literally. They
didn't hit his mouth. Bet he'd look
fantastic with a nose piercing to go on
through the new holes there, though.
October 26 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get the
delightful chance to marvel at human
stupidity. Harold Lehrman, did I tell
you or did I not that you'd regret that
chainsaw you left on your floor? Thank
me later for getting your name in the
paper.
Amanda Green, you shameless minx. Don't
you think I won't repeat that you did
your entire show in dishabille. Beyond
it, even. Stealing hearts with a pretty
voice and a lovely...smile.
We've got ourselves a vorpal playing
card, too, and this author wonders about
the timing of the King of Hearts, given
poor Kip's freshly single status. I got
it from Crossroads Cafe, my very own
self, from his very own lips.
Surely we can't blame him, then, for
being seen the other night leaving with
not one, but two unknown ladies, all of
them drunk as a skunk. He says he was
going back to a hotel with them, but for
what, I wonder?
This isn't the first time I've heard of
Kip going off with someone, either. Why,
just in the last few weeks, I hear tell
he and C.B. Alexander drove off alone
to do 'something' together. C.B. went
off with our local Instagram Princess
Franklyn Garreau, too.
Busy, busy, Mr. Alexander.
Point in fact, I hear tell you picked a
fight down in Riverside and went out to
the east bank dressed like some kind of
tie-dyed female royalty. Is the pressure
too much? When's your next book due to
be published? If you need some help
with relaxation techniques, talk to Anne
Harlin. The Reverend says SHE can sleep
just about anywhere...
November 2 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Rebecca has
asked me to clarify that she is a minxy
BIG fox, in search of a BIG man, if you
know what she means.
Don't I wish I did.
Saw a couple of hikers the other day
heading up Mischance with, I kid you
not, ten dogs. Ten. I counted three
times. What were they planning to do?
Wait until it snowed and run a Tamarack
Iditarod?
I don't know about you, but I have a
hard enough time keeping a house plant
alive, much less (almost) a dozen dogs.
Kudos, strangers. Emphasis on strange.
Speaking of strange, have you seen that
glittery purple balloon lately? Watch
out, mystery pilot. The winds over the
waterfall can be tricky. My youthful
admirers may not believe it of me, but
I was once a ballooning champ for
three years running, until I took this
arrow in the knee.
On a more heartwarming note (or not, if
you're a Scrooge like George), a group
of newcomers went out and visited folks
at Riverside Hospital this past Tuesday
for Halloween.
No police were called, so it's safe to
say that whatever else they did, they
didn't scare children to death.
Seriously, that was a really good deed,
folks. Keep it up.
You too, big mystery man.
November 9 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
fair number of nippy days, haven't we? I
would be minded to cuddle up beside my
fire with a good book and not come out
until Spring thaw, but how could I poss-
ibly miss gems like Eddie Mayer trying
out his rollerskates down Main Street?
Note, I did say trying, not succeeding.
On the bright side, at least he didn't
bleed all over EVERY pole in town...
Speaking of bleeding, have you seen that
new body mod shop down in the city? I
hear tell none other than Winny Wilson
opened the place up, complete with pig.
I hadn't heard of him, scars not being
my specialty, but a Johnny Drexel seems
to be sporting his own artwork something
fierce.
Don't know about you, but I'm going to
avoid bleeding for art.
Bleeding for gossip, now, that I will do
with pleasure. I got a dreadful paper
cut when I heard that the Treasurer of
Fort Brunsett, Molly Crowley-Utridge,
was decidedly unwidowly at a dinner with
a very nicely dressed Native fellow. My
sources say the man was one Malaki Gray-
wolf. Is Molly looking to add a second
hyphenation to her mouthful of a name?
I don't even want to think about the
mouthfuls Ms. Mina Grey has been having.
Ballerina food is rabbit food, and I
heard from a little birdy that our dance
teacher, or someone who looks a lot like
her, was seen in social media marketing
for the Slutcracker in Somerville, MA.
Mina, Mina, Mina. We all know dating Mr.
Alexander is enough to drive you to
drink, but come on, girl. Do you really
want to give him more reasons to set the
world on fire?
November 16 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
request from one Haruki for a shout-out
about his brother Itsuki's birthday. How
can I refuse, when it comes with such
charming good wishes about my lack of
disappearance?
Don't worry, kid. I went on a Tuesday.
In other news, I have learned that First
Snow holly sprigs make exceptionally
poor seat cushions. If you have never
had spiny leaves jabbing into your bony
patoot, I highly recommend that you
avoid the experience.
Yes, I went and picked another sprig...
Eddie Mayer has asked me to correct my
previous column. My apologies, Eddie.
You were landing on your tush at the
corner of Main Street and Mill, not
just Main Street. Thank you for the
tip!
Have you seen the prep for the parade
this weekend? Got the streamers up and
turkeys everywhere. Gotta wonder what
aliens would think of it, if they saw
it. Are we cultists celebrating our
(delicious) gobbly god?
What's YOUR favorite Thanksgiving food?
Mine's got to be the mashed potatoes.
Get some cream in while you mash, some
butter, salt... Mmmmm. Add in a splash
of gravy, and you're golden.
So are the wallets of the emergency
services after fixing your food-induced
heart attack, but possible death is
nothing when compared with a good mash.
November 23 2017
No column! Thanksgiving.
November 30 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
good vacation from reality, thanks to
Thanksgiving (sorry, folks, calories do
still count on holidays; my scale won't
lie), but family time makes for GREAT
gossip.
Let's get started!
Jack, Jack, you know you don't do well
with wine. The maudlin song prize goes
to you, for certain sure. Next time, I
want a recorder with me. That stuff
would sell!
The exploding turkey prize has got to go
to Betsy Mayer. Bets, this is the third
year in a row. How do you even DO that?
Jacob Hennessey gets the 'Belongs in One
of the Final Destination Movies' prize,
because I didn't even know something
like this could happen without cinematic
magic to help it along. From what I
heard, it went something like this: a
kid tripped over a chicken, which flew
into his mama's patoot, which made her
jerk her arm up from the meat she was
butchering, and because her hand was wet
the knife slipped up and cut the cord
holding the oil lamp the kid's older sis
had hung up there for extra light, which
fell and broke and spilled burning oil
every which way, which set mama's pants
on fire, which sent mama running out to
start stripping in the barnyard with the
chickens, which prompted Jacob's sudden
coronary and subsequent helicopter ride
to Riverside Hospital.
Now THAT is an evening.
Don't worry, Jake's fine. Suzette's all
right too, and the chicken made a good
supper.
In less flammable news, I hear tell that
Aspire place down in Fort Brunsett may
be getting a new owner. Reliable sources
inform me that Johnny Drexel has been
seen puttering around the lobby through
the windows. Does he need that much new
space to cut holes in people?
Time will tell. Also lawyers. Lawyers
are really good to have when slicing
people up. I, for one, plan to stay far
away.
December 7 2017
No column!
December 14 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get a
great big thank you to whichever witch
up and decided to curse me last week.
Mr. Alexander, I may be hiring you to
set a fire.
If any of you have never felt the lovely
after-effects of a concussion, I most
heartily commend you for your choices in
life and wish I could go back to join
your club.
Let's see, now. Last week, I got a note
from a certain Japanese magician that it
was C.B. Alexander's birthday, who asks
that I send him a birthday message to,
I quote, cheer him up.
Haruki, kid, you're sweet. If he wants
free advertising for his book, he should
scream at me some more and post a letter
to the editor. That's always fun.
How's your holiday planning going? I
hear tell Mayor Jack has had a few unex-
pected visitors lately. Lost relations?
Do tell, Mayor!
Nancy Thackeray sure lost something this
weekend, and she won't be getting it
back for at least another eighteen years
by my reckoning. Congratulations, mama.
Hope you don't mind sleep loss. It just
gets worse the more you have, I'm told.
This, my readers, is why I am, and plan
to remain, single. Menopause can't come
soon enough.
Speaking of marriage and children, our
very own Amanda Green has had a few tid-
bits floating around about a big to-do
wedding of her own. Who's the lucky
partner?
December 21 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the smith's
a busy busy bee out there. The New Year
Nail-Up is in good swing, and clang, and
clank...
I heard tell he got a record number of
assistants this year. I wonder why.
I also wonder why his latest assistant
and Kip don't team up to woo the ladies,
because hoo boy, Mr. Robin Collier has
an accent fit to make a fiddle dance.
Don't even get me started on his eyes.
That shade of blue should be illegal.
Of course, he smokes, and he looks like
he probably hasn't seen the sun since he
was twelve, but those are manageable
faults.
What do you say, Mr. Collier? Are you
up for being managed? The ladies'
knitting circle would like to know!
We'd like to know about ghost cars,
too, seeing as it seems we've got at
least one of those buggers around. A few
folks have asked about a crash down by
Snake Creek, but when yours truly went
down to investigate, there was no trace
of it.
Maybe Father Christmas had a sleigh boo
boo on one of his practice runs. Keep
eyes out, kids. Hoofprints on your head
aren't the sort of gift you want this
weekend.
Really, you don't. Take it from a
little old lady who got stomped on by a
cow.
December 28 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we had our-
selves a break-in at a local grocery
store, folks. Right here in town, too.
What do people think this is? More to
the point, what on earth were they out
to steal?
Do they think we have any money?
I hear tell the authorities found a guy
trapped under a row of fallen shelves,
with two others trying to get him free.
Speaking of free, if you've got any
books for children, stop on in at Kip's
love nest, Homepage. He's collecting a
donation for the schools in the area, as
I well know. I gave him a lovely copy of
See Spot Run.
Run, Kip. Just run. You don't want to
be surrounded by the hordes of adoring
fangirls who will try to get into your
life once they find out you're dating a
professional Slutcracker.
That's right. You heard me. Mina, who
could be anything in the world, chose
to dance in the Slutcracker, and hooey,
she looks darned good in black. You're
one fine dominatrix, girl. Look online,
folks, and you'll see plenty of pics of
her as 'The Russian'...and of Mina with
Kip, arms full of flowers...
Where are the pics of their tattoos, I
wonder? Sources say they were spotted
outside of a tattoo parlor in Boston.
Together.
Tell me. Do we have more matrimony in
our future, or is this a desperate
attempt to drum up business for a
failing bookstore? Kip, darling, rabid
readers want to know. How DO you do it?
With leather, it seems. Why, Trudy was
walking into Homepage just the other
day when she overheard this hunk of a
prince talking to some girl with too
much hair dye about not being her
lovely toy...
First the lingerie parlor, then the
ball gag and the multi-purpose
bullwhip, and now a girlfriend in the
Slutcracker with BDSM on your counter?
Kip, Kip, Kip.
Welcome home, kid. Never leave. You
make my job too easy.
