Tamarack Times Gossip Column

Tamarack Times Gossip Column

Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.

Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.

They can be found on +bbread 3, the Media board.

This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.

March 16 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week  in Tamarack Falls,  we've all 
learned the value of not  trusting Jimmy
Miller  when he says  his  dog is smart. 
No  smart dog  would  run in front of  a   
plow going  full-tilt,  but the vet says 
the pup's going to  recover just in time
for  the  Spring  tourist  season  and
chasing muddy motorcycles.             
                                     
What isn't going to recover?  Maddy
Nichols'  flower  beds,  seeing  as  Mr.
Miller  ran  that plow up over the curb. 
Lopped  the heads right off four  of the
gnomes, too.

A newcomer  got  in  a  good brawl  this
past  weekend in front of Cyclone,  too,
and that  makes  the sixth since the new
bar opened.  Six fights in a month. 
What does this mean for you, my readers?
Jack squat.  The Mayor, I have it from a
reliable  source,  has  no  intention of
telling that nice young lady off.

March 23 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  Spring has
sprung,  and what it's sprung is a great
big  leak.  Word to the wise:  don't let
your  pipes  freeze  like  a  certain
somebody down on Main Street, or you get
what  they  got:  a hefty bill and soggy
floors.

Keep those faucets dripping!

Speaking  of  dripping,  now,  I  don't
usually  go  for  the  dark  meat,  but
there's  a huge hunk of stranger  around
town  who's  more than enough to warm my
oven.  I'm minded to ask  him over for a
cup of sugar,  if Lou and BangBang don't
get to him first.

Seems  there's  been  banging  of  a
different  kind up on the mountain.  Odd
noises in the  mine,  lights  at  night. 
I'd  keep  my teenagers  pent tight if I
had any.  Never  know  what  those  kids
will go and get into.

March 30 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week  in  Tamarack Falls,  the town
had  its first shooting in a long,  long
while.  All  of you coffee  addicts will
have to get your fix elsewhere,  because
this  columnist  is told  by  a reliable
source that the Crossroads Cafe is going
to be closed until Friday morning.  Hope
the owner's  taking time to write up how
she wants that story told.

Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied
with  my own  little eye none other than
Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in
one  mighty  big    hurry.  Can't  be
drinking, because we  all know the Mayor
would  never touch  lip to bottle on the
job.  Isn't that right, Suzanne?

I don't  know about you,  but I've heard
some mighty fine things about our Miller
boys this season for the roads,  as much
snow  as we've  been  getting,  and  I'm
giving them  a shout-out  for a job well
done.  Now  if  only  they  could  do it
without  shirts...  Hubba  hubba.  Rest
assured,  if you  boys ever want to do a
calendar for  charity,  the Enid Schmitt
Foundation  will gladly accept your kind
donation.

April 06 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've seen
what happens when you drive a motor bike
into  a  river.  We've also  seen  what
happens when your mother finds out about
it, haven't we, Jimmy?

Don't stop.  You provide so many  column
inches.

Got some delicious hints swirling around
town this week  of  a new baker  on  the
loose, but no one's owning up to leaving
cupcakes on doorsteps just yet,  or what
exactly those sprinkles on top were made
of.  Watch out, Martha.  You  could have
some competition.

Watch out for moose!

Heard tell one  of the  farmers west  of
town had an antlered  visitor attempting
to make nice  with his Morgans the other
day.  She wasn't having any,  and that's
a damn shame, with a rack like that.

April 13 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is
busy busy busy, and so is the gossip! 

With Easter only days away,  you'd think
people would know better than to go egg-
tossing  at  police cars,  wouldn't you,
Mikey?  Once  you're  done hand  washing
all of the squad  cars, mind coming over
to do mine?

I've seen  a lovely  young  lady out and
about  a-wandering  this  week,  but  no
handsome  young  lad to accompany her on
the  riverbank.  Watch  the  east,  now.
Things on that side get slippery.

The mystery cupcakes continue!

Who IS  our  secretive pastry chef?  Lou
and  Bang Bang  say  they're  offering a
free hair cut to anyone who can identify
the source of their decadent delectables
this week.

April 27 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've  had
an exciting go  of it,  but if you don't
like tall,  dark,  mysterious strangers,
why do we care anyway?  This  man rolled
in  on a bus at an ungodly hour,  I tell
you,  I've  heard  it  from  a reputable
source myself,  wearing  all black,  and
talked  with a few foreigners for hours.
Just who is  this  mystery man,  and how
can  I convince  him to come over for MY
coffee?  Hubba hubba.

Certain  indiscretions  were  overheard,
I'm told,  at the  Crossroads Cafe.  Now
I  wasn't there myself, but in my humble
opinion,  people  with so  many  secrets
really ought  to be  better  at  keeping
them.  Most  folks  aren't  so  pleased
about going  to  court,  young  man.  Be
careful what you say.

Be careful what you eat, too, because by
golly  these  cupcakes just keep coming. 
Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come
up  and  lie  about  baking  them again. 
I've  tasted  your  cooking,  and  it's
enough to make a cat laugh!

May 04 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've  had
a delicious little peccadillo at the new
bookstore  in  town.  I've  had reliable
reports  of  more  than  one  romantic
entanglement  gone  wrong,  and,  even
better,  I hear  tell a lady stormed out
altogether  after  a  certain pint-sized
bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.

Hot sales at Homepage!  Thefts,  too.  A
few  books  seem to be missing, but with
the owner such  a  hot item,  I wouldn't
presume to wonder why...

Speaking  of shopkeepers,  someone ought
to  set  up  a  secret  sale  over  at
Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got
some  folks  who can't keep their mouths
shut  in  public.  There  are  better
places  to chit-chat about local queens,
and  if  I'm  hearing about it, how many
others are?

If  you  haven't been down to the Evelyn
Miller  Memorial  Gardens  yet,  do  it,
because  showers of  white  petals  are
about  as close to snowfall as I want to
think about right now.  Is Winter over?

May 11 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  the rising
temps  have seen a corresponding rise in
idiots thinking  the  signs  about rapid
currents  are  for  amateurs.  Really,
Megan,  you  didn't  have  to prove your
parents  right  BEFORE  you  left  for
college.  They  always  told you  not to
date  him.  This  is  why.  Go  have  a
coffee,  meet  a  handsome  god.  Have a
fling you'll never forget.

Speaking of flinging with gods,  trouble
in  paradise?  Forget  what  I said last
week about a secret-share.  We just need
a  full-time time-share  with that cutey
Hazel  on  the  Crossroads  Cafe,  Thom,
because she's giving  us  a spot with so
much material!  And men.  The men!

The screaming, the throwing,  the drama,
la, c'est vraiment magnifique!

Last  week's  book  owner  gave  us  all
another  stunning example of what NOT to
do in a relationship,  and hoo boy,  let
me  tell you,  kid,  skirt-hopping after
popping your cherry with  a  girl is not
a  way  to  make a friend.  I  could use
your  name,  but then,  you  already had
it  shouted  across  the  entire  cafe.
There's such a thing as pity. 

Have mine.

May 18 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  I have  to
applaud  the  folks trying to hook me up
with  Bigfoot.  Don't  get  me wrong.  I
like...big...men  as  much as  the  next
woman,  but  the  hair?  Would  YOU want
that  between  your  teeth?  Nice try,
kiddos.

Speaking  of big men,  I hear  tell that
Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.
Tough to get prettier than he is, and my
reliable source  confirms that they went
quite  out  of their way to have a very,
very expensive  bite  to  eat.  Keep the
beauties  here,  folks!  Someone go  get
rich and build a fancy restaurant called
Something Blue.  Pay  me  a  nice  juicy
commission and the IP's yours!

Sadly, not  everyone  is hooking up this
week.  Sorry,  Betsy.  I told you, lemon
juice down  under  on date night,  not a
good  idea.  What guy  wants his girl to
show up with yellow unmentionables?  Not
any I know, that's for sure.  Heard tell
of  an  oddball  breakup  at  Crossroads
Cafe,  too.  Who'd  WRITE  their breakup
lines and  hand them to a guy instead of
SAYING  them?  Then  again, given who it
was,  staying  quiet's  an  improvement.
Sorry, kid.  Stop by the paper some time
for a bad coffee.

May 25 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  there  was
quite the commotion over at our favorite
sap's  book  store.  The  way I hear it,
while the girl  behind the counter tried
to  hush  it  up  with  louder  music,
customers report  a  woman  shouting  at
someone  (three  guesses who),  and even
something  shattering.  Hoo boy,  this
kid's  a  treat!  Never leave.  You make
my job a breeze, Kip.

Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?
Had  a  few muscled young farmers (hubba
hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying
around, no falconer in sight.

Mary  Adams  was mighty breezy, too, the
other  day.  What  are you trying to do,
be  Vermont's  soggy  Monroe?  Who wears
white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?
Love    the    neon  piglets  on  the
unmentionables.

Last  but  not least, catch it quick.  I
hear they're power washing that horrible
wall  lickety  split  to  get  it  off.
Someone went and (spray)painted the city
red,  some  poem  about  sorrow and love
scribbled  all  over  the  side  of  a
building down  by the corner of Rockdove
and  Mack.  Police  are  looking for the
artist to give them a talking to, and so
am I!  I've  got  to  know, how DID they
climb that wall?  Do we have ourselves a
brand new Spiderman?

June 02 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've  had
a  positive dearth  (that's an SAT word,
Sally,  but you  wouldn't  know that, on
account of skipping  school to play with
Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from
the town's favorite bookstore owner.

Kip, you disappoint us.

News from Fort Brunsett  says that local
Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity
like  it's going out of style.  The food
bank's  sure  to  thank him, but where's
our cut?  Hungry newspaper services need
to snack!  I  have a particular fondness
for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.

Those  of  you of a mind to go joining a
cult have got a  new  temple,  I'm told. 
Haven't  visited  myself,  but  reliable
sources say  it's  a  hoot.  Night club,
Fort  Brunsett,  keep  your  teens  on
leashes, parents, because it sounds like
something right up their alley.

Last but  not least, oh ho, not least by
far,  we have a lovely contribution from
one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat.  I hear
there  was  quite  the handsome stud the
other day, took his clothes right off to
wash them all  buck naked.  A cowboy hat
over  the fun bits really does ruin some
of the joy, but mister, whoever you are,
that grandmother says you can give her a
show  whenever  you like!  Ladies,  it's
time  to  break  your washer and head to
the Laundromat because there's more than
suds perking up around there!

June 08 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we
had a record number of  Web hits for SAT
words to stump me with. Try harder.

I have a few for you, my rabid readers:
* semaphore
* duress
* substantiate

They  are  all,  one  is  certain, quite
appropriate words to use when describing
the  delectable  moaning  at  a  certain
bookstore  owner's  table  this  week. 
Surrounded  by  two  women,  no  less.
In public.  Kip, Kip, groupies already.

It  sounds  like one of those moaners is
prepping  for  a  street fair, soon, and
wants me to get wet along with her.  Far
be it from me to deny dunk tanks for
charity.

Hear that,  Lou?  That's  the sound of a
good  dye  job spiraling down the drain,
and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.

June 15 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &
State" by a mystery admirer.  Patron's a
little masculine, don't you think?  I'll
put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm
up for titles, folks.  Or Maven.  That's
much better.  What do YOU think?

The bonbons were delicious.  Thank you!

Speaking of  admirers,  Tommy,  you know
that little word Rebecah told you at the
farm?  I hear you didn't.  Also,  keep a
better eye out for security cameras next
time  you  and  the  boys  want  to
'anonymously' egg my house, and at least
dye  the  shells  first.  White's  so
ordinary, don't you think?

I  hear  tell  the  statue  down  on
Stagbridge  got itself a golden surprise
of its  own,  not  to mention any of the
cars  driving past it.  I think my tires
aspire  toward  pole-dancing,  as  much
glitter as  they've got in their treads. 
Gallons of gold glitter, I can see.  The
gold  top  hat and suit?  Sure hope they
don't  want  those  back.  I  distinctly
recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.

June 22 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  I have the
inestimable joy  of  reporting that  our
much-reported Kip is back in the paper:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!

Which of your girlfriends did you invite
to the party?

If  you  haven't  checked  out our local
Instagram  princess,  take a  gander  at
Franklyn Garreau.  Then again,  reliable
sources indicate she  may be dating C.B.
Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?

I don't know about poaching, but setting
hearts on  fire  is  one thing.  Setting
hunks of  fence  on  fire  is  something
altogether  different, and the volunteer
firefighters  are  still looking for the
culprit  on  that  one.  Who  needs  a
bonfire in THIS weather?

No,  Henrietta,  despite best efforts to
the contrary,  the burning smell down by
the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's
caboose.  What  sound  DOES a frying pan
full  of hot  potatoes make against bare
skin?

June 29 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
we have a man down in the city who needs
to be disabused of his avian heredity. I
don't know what drugs he was on,  but if
they can make  a  guy jump out of a tree
forty feet high, they've got to be some-
thing.  Kids,  don't do drugs.  Hospital
bills are killers.

So are  hunters,  but  it's not a hunter
bugging deer this time.  Seems there was
a  fight down at the The Union bar,  not
unusual,  Alexanders  being  Alexanders.
The  hotties  in  blue didn't want it to
get out,  but come, officers, how can we
resist?  The deer  was cheating, see. It
helped  the  other  guy out,  but in my
humble  opinion,  the  deer's  the real
victim here; it already died once. Let's
leave that buck alone.

Last  but not least,  this  juicy tidbit
was witnessed by yours truly down at the
Crossroads Cafe  just yesterday.  Is our
favorite Kip being left behind?  Mina, I
have to say,  you look fabulous.  Unlike
your choice in men.

Really, that hair? 

Sid, darling,  thank you for the flower.
Get a tailor.  And a hairdresser.  Don't
forget a barber.

July 06 2017

--------------------------------------   --------------------------------------

         LETTER to the EDITOR

Dear Ms. Schmitt,                        reputations in  public.  Is  this what
                                         the     area's    populace    consider
Since  no one  else will  condemn your   "entertainment"?   Are  you  making  a
travesty  of  a column,  it falls upon   living  off  the  suffering of others?
me to do so.                             Then  you  need  to  stop and consider
                                         what   you're  doing,  not  just  what
In  an  area  the  size  of  the  Fort   generates  more  subscribers  for your
Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column   newspaper.
like  yours  can  only  sow strife and   
discord.  You're no doubt aware of the   I  will  be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,
damage  your  column  does,   but  you   and  I  know I'm not the only one.  We
continue thanks  to "loyal" readership   the people  will  not  be  silenced or
who  likely slaver for whatever scraps   intimidated by your petty,  small-town
you deign to give them.                  small-mindedness.  Remember  that  you
                                         are   a   public  figure,  and  public
You should be  ashamed of yourself.  I   figures have a duty to do right by the
have  personally  witnessed  or  heard   public.
tales  of   your   column  threatening   
relationships,   striking  unnecessary   Be seeing you,
terror  into  the hearts of the timid,   
and  causing people  to fear for their   Number Six

--------------------------------------   --------------------------------------
                                         
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S         trouble was looming overhead.
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT       
                                         Even Jack's.  Don't listen to protests
This  week in Tamarack Falls,  I  have   otherwise.
the  unalloyed  joy  of  a threatening   
letter to report, my rabid readers! It   Second,  I  do  have  rather  a lovely
slanders  my  reputation,  which  I am   word  affair with Kip, don't I?  He is
perfectly  capable of doing on my own,   an  exquisite   example  of  the  male
darling Six,  and claims  a conspiracy   species.  By  drawing attention to the
of watchers -- just for me!              pairings I   do,   I  serve  a  social
                                         purpose   beyond   my   own  pleasure,
I'm flattered. Truly.                    though  I  will be first to assure you
                                         that writing about Kip is never dull.
Also,  typewriters  are fantastic, and   
I  would  love  to chat with you about   Gossip brings people together.
the  ink you  used.  I have an Olympia   
myself,   manual  of  course.  There's   Social rules these days aren't written
something  so  authentic  about  using   in a  book.  We live them.  By shining
equipment  which  will  last a hundred   the light  of day on transgressions, I
years.                                   show  the community where it could use
                                         a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,
Don't you agree?                         I  make them  laugh about it.  We're a
                                         small town in a great big world.
I do,  however,  disagree  with you on   
several points. Let us address them in   Does the entire town need to know that
order, shall we?                         Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies
                                         underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday
First,  size  has  nothing  to do with   afternoon   at  church?  Probably not,
the  media's ability  to influence the   but the shame of it will keep the girl
public.   It   is  our  duty  and  our   from doing it again,  now,  won't  it,
privilege to report,  faithfully,  the   Essie?
issues of the modern era.  In my case,   
this  being  an  entertainment column,   Does the entire town need to know that
yes,  dear,  revenues  do  indicate  a   I  admired  the  hot new teller at the
significant value  in my opinions, and   hardware store?  Probably  not, but he
I  have the personal gratitude of many   should be a firefighter so I can get a
who  would  otherwise never have known   calendar and  think  about my misspent
                                         youth...

July 13 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
delighted by the show of support from my
loyal  readers.  Thank  you   for   your
letters, ladies and gents.

As  for Six...  Surely  you were joking.
Telling   me   to   throw    my  darling
typewriter  out  a  window  is  not  the
commentary of  a  man who truly respects
his machines. 

On better news, our beloved Kip has used
the  kerfuffle to  earn  money  for  the
local  library,  for  which I thank him,
and  I  only  regret  he wasn't there to
sell  me  my  'E'  pin  all  by himself. 
He did,  however, give me  my  very own,
via Ms. Green, for which I thank him.  I
always knew I was a Queen!

Speaking  of queens,  I hear tell one of
Kip's  many ladies  may  be  hitting the
stage again,  and  wouldn't that   be  a
treat?   Break  a  leg, Mina!  I forgive
your lapse in judgement. 

For the rest of the Sixers out there,  I
fully  expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a
la  West Side Story,  down  Main Street.
Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,
can't you?  I know you will.

July 20 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a record number of fender benders, and I
can't  say I blame them.  'Pretty Woman'
doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were
less happily married to my job,  I might
be jealous  at  all the  attention she's
been getting.  Whoever she is.

Keep  an  eye out down by the riverbank.
Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want
any accidents.

In other news,  it  seems Cyclone is off
the  hook  for the latest  public brawl,
folks.  None other than our favorite Kip
was seen at Homepage Books duking it out
with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ
on whether it was over who was better in
the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.

Personally, seeing as there was shouting
and carrying on from at least two women,
one  of  which is the  lovely Mina,  the
other of which is an Angel,  I'm leaning
toward  the  gentlemen brawling over hot
dates.  Or their dates' honor...

I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl
for MY honor, that's for sure.  What do
you  say,  folks?  Feel up  to fighting
the good fight?

July 27 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
very little gossip-worthy action. Such a
shame.

That said,  Kip,  you  should go out and
talk  to Emma about cows.  I hear tell a
heifer had a thing or two to  say  about
a certain someone daydreaming instead of
paying attention to where she was going.

Crews are  still working to clean up the
tree limbs  brought  down  by that freak
thunderstorm  earlier this week,  so  be
patient   and   be  careful   if  you're
thinking about hiking  up Salvation.  If
you're   thinking    about   hiking   up
Mischance,  take care, and watch out for
Adam  Morrison.   Young,   black   hair,
creative.  His  friends said he was last
seen  near the mines during a LARP.  The
Miller boys intend to do a grid search
of the area this weekend if he isn't
found.

August 17 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  at  last I
return from two weeks in sunny,  utterly
dull  and  boring Florida.  Not a single
thing worthy of my talents, which says a
bit in  and of itself.  I'm  with Green,
Frank.  Arcadia's a bad idea.

I hear tell life around town got all the
excitement I missed!  Riot #1, exploding
ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague
Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight
and local DJ for WFBR,  has been sharing
that British charm with anyone who asks.
Lie back and think of England, indeed.

A little birdy  with  much  better pitch
than a certain laundromat  owner tweeted
about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,
last Friday,  if by good you mean a rip-
roaring  riot  over local-author-on-the-
lam C.B. Alexander,  poetry and,  oddly,
the   rights  of  vegetables.  Exploding
lights,  this time, instead of ice cream
tubs, but this reporter wonders.

Last  but  not  least,  hometown hopeful
Cameron Lefevre  has  returned  from his
failure at acquiring success and musical
obscurity.  Don't worry, Cam.  We're all
family  here.  No  one will ever forget,
but  we  laugh  because  we  care.  Also
because it was hilarious  schadenfreude,
but that's beside the point.

Welcome home.  Bring an extra string  to
your show in the park next week, kiddo.

August 24 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  say  a
fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,
long-term  member of the community,  and
I, for one, will miss his sermons on the
souls of fruitcakes.  Remember, it's all
in the nuts.

What a surprise to hear  about Mr.  C.B.
'Copfire' Alexander  being nuts himself.
Takes one to know one,  right?   Bet his
book sales  are  going through the roof.
Kudos, kid.  Pity  it wasn't just a pub-
licity stunt.  Or was it?

Get this, too.  At a reader's request, I
sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They
just  sent  their response:  not  just a
letter,  but  an actual FORM letter from
Sai   Joshi,  he   of  the  incomparable
eyelashes,  stating  that  while  he  is
aware they are abnormally long, they are
quite natural.

A form letter.

This begs the question:  how many people
ask about  his  eyelashes?   Has he ever
thought about  trimming  them?  Cosmetic
eyelash  buzzing  could become  a  whole
new trend.

August 31 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not
much  from  our own back yard. Let's get
started on a high note:  passers-by near
Majesty Records the other  morning saw a
certain  bookstore owner and radio Queen
'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully
cozy.  Is  this  why  his  coffee mug at
Homepage  clearly  showed lip  prints in
her  shade of lipstick?  What does Paige
have to  say about  this,  and how  many
pieces will he be in when she's done?

Speaking of tumultuous romances,  the up
and  downs with  Franklyn  are enough to
make me dizzy.  Personally,  I'd like to
know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire
when he got discharged from the hospital
the other day.  What angle does she have
on the  guy?  Is  getting a  play out of
him that important?

Heard  tell there  was a lady going into
Cat-22 covered  in blood,  which doesn't
bode well  for C.B. staying out of jail,
now,  does it?  Same  person who started
the  riot,  I'm  told,  but  my  sources
didn't give me any names.  Don't worry.
I'll keep digging.  So will the police,
if what was in her bag was really as
suspicious as it seemed...

Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard
diner.  I don't know about you, but that
Last Chance  place is going to need some
out  of  this  world delicious meals  or
have  some  pretty fancy gimmicks to get
me in there to try '90s mystery meat.

September 07 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a dearth of fiery gossip.  So sad.  I am
disappointed in you all.

So is this guinea pig I heard of down at
our  local Instagram  princess'  theatre
sleepover party.  There are a few rumors
floating around as to  his identity, but
none  conclusive.  The great  guinea pig
remains  a mystery.  Superheroes used to
be a bit more impressive...

On  the  bright side,  the slumber party
was a success, though I've heard several
reports  of  horrific  nightmares since.
Just what was in the water?

Even better,  our  favorite CB is in the
news again.  Seems there  was a gas leak
down  in Fort Brunsett  at Her Majesty's
record  store,  with  'gnarly' (who uses
that word?)  graphic gushing  nosebleeds
and  foul smells.  Does CB just like the
sight of blood?  He's been  in two riots
that  I'm  aware  of,  he  firebombed  a
police  station,   and  now  this.   Mr.
Alexander,  Tamarack Falls would like to
know.

Are you a vampire?

September 14 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at
last,  another  rumor about our favorite
bookstore  owner.  I  have  it  on  good
authority that  he was  seen walking out
of  a local bar with a lovely redhead on
his  arm.  Bill's  Bar, to  be  precise.
If  anyone's  keeping track of the women
in his  life, let  me  know,  because at
this point I've lost count!

Adorkable is in,  ladies.  Catch  him if
you can.

Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob
quarterback Simon Desrochers  may or may
not  have been invited to try out for  a
certain  very famous football team which
surely  none  of us will guess.  You go,
boy!  Won't convince  Suzie  you weren't
necking with Annette in the back seat on
the way out to practice, though.

I've been practicing a bit, myself.  The
fine art of writing sonnets, however,
still eludes me.

Try this one on for size:

The buds of Summer bloom,  and die,  and
fade.
What hope has he to warm us Winter long?
He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but
staid.
His heart is caught in his own lonely
song.

The  mountains  sigh  and  shiver in the
cold,
With icy winds no mortal may resist.
Ignoring  Autumn's  stories,  he   grows
bold.
He  questions,  begs  and  threatens  to
persist.

How  then  shall  we  treat a  heart  so
sure?
So  certain,  firm  and  faithful to his
truth?
It  trembles,   quakes  and  quivers  to
immure
The   friendly   public's   foibles   as
uncouth.

It  does  him little good to hold aloof.
For me, I only hope we're fireproof.

--

Woo me with poetry,  not with abuse,  my
darling Alexander.  Until we meet again.

September 21 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not
currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-
der  threw  a bit  of biological warfare
in through my  living  room  window.  It
was a good window, too.

More importantly,  you  left your finger
prints all over it, kid.  Already talked
to  the  deputy.  Your parents have been
informed.  Please don't do that again. I
won't mention it if you don't.

Now,  my  columns  will be written a bit
more slowly until this arm heals,  but I
do apologize  for  missing  last  week's
deadline.  Cows wait for no man.  Or me.
Obviously.  If you don't know  what  I'm
talking  about,   ask  Green.  Shh.  She
doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'

Now  down  to business.  I've heard tell
that our local tea witch Avalon has been
making a lot  of trips down to the river
lately.  Point  in fact,  I've got three
separate  eye  witnesses attesting  that
she's  wandered  on  home  soaked to the
bone three  times in  the past few weeks
alone.

Lonnie,  are  you  trying  to catch your
death?

It doesn't run fast.  Definitely  not as
fast as the Tam.  Slower than Kip,  too,
once  word gets out.  Just  what  WAS he
doing  in  that  lingerie store, anyway?
Shopkeepers  said  he  was  in  the male
section for half  an  hour, but wouldn't
tell  my sources what he bought.  More's
the pity.

September 28 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  learned
that I am getting old.  A nice young man
from out of  town insisted on helping me
walk  across  the  street.  Hopefully he
gets his  Boy Scouts merit badge for it.
Thanks for making 40 feel like 80,  kid.
I  hope I meet  a boy  like you when I'm
really aged and decrepit.

Speaking  of kids,  I  heard through the
grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused
some  local drama at a children's birth-
day  party.  Sounds  like  a kid started
using  pepper spray  on  the  clown  and
quoting some very inappropriate language
which  I won't repeat in print.  A local
Japanese magician's said to have stepped
in to take over, so kudos on not getting
Maced.

Violence is  otherwise  the  theme de la
semaine.  Got  some  very  confused cows
thanks  to  the tippers  out in the west
valley,  more  broken  windows  (thanks,
Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges
heading toward eastbank.  Joy,  Wendell,
you should know better.  You should also
be more  careful  about setting lookouts
to warn you that someone's sitting there
having a morning coffee while you paint.

On a brighter note,  I hear tell Candace
Malbury and  Richard  Miller were having
a  grand old time while prepping for the
town's harvest fair yesterday...

I never knew you could do so much with a
single ear  of  corn.  Never  wanted to,
either.  You  may  have  scarred  me for
life,  but  what  do I know?  I'm an old
lady who needs help crossing a street.

October 05 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK
in  the  limelight,  people.  I have not
one, not two, but THREE separate sources
citing  fascinating little tidbits about
our favourite lady-charmer.

Charming to us, perhaps.

I  hear tell that  he left Cyclone  in a
nasty  mood  the  other  night.  Lovers'
quarrel?  Why  pay  for beer  when Paige
would give it to him free?

Maybe she's just jealous of his success,
assuming  he really IS the secret author
of  the Haris  brother books.  Rumor is,
the  author  is  a  local.  Kip, are you
Nathalia Daring?  You're concealing your
secret  passion   for   C.B.  Alexander,
according  to  a number  of sources, and
you  do  seem to have  a large number of
these delightfully torrid novels in your
stock.  Tell all!

Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage
Books  sure  has a doozy.  A brown paper
package  addressed  to  the bookshop was
accidentally  left at  the  real  estate
agency  on  South  Main  and  Mill,  and
hoo boy, those girls got a surprise!  No
brochures,  but  there  was definitely a
ball-gag,  an  eight  foot long bullwhip
with a mighty interesting handle,  and a
single  copy  of  '212 Step Guide to the
Art of Masculine Domination'  signed  by
the  author with the personalisation of:
"You can do it, buddy!".  Apparently the
girls  at  the estate agency just didn't
know what to do.  Maybe they were scared
the  proprietor  next  door  would  love
their neighbour as they love themselves.

Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither
Nancy Drew  nor  Jessica Fletcher, but I
do  appreciate the intimation that 40 is
still  below the aged and decrepit line.
You're  welcome to  help me  across  the
street any day, handsome.

October 12 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
few relationship squabbles and a few odd
events, but let's get to the juicy stuff
first.

Number One:  Jason Weatherby,  don't you
know by now not to go slicking your wick
in places it shouldn't go?

Number Two:  Anita and Josephine  aren't
your type, George.  Trust me. The  words
I  have  refrained from  printing  about
you on account  of  your papa being nice
to me in high school...

Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy
little fox.  I didn't know you had it in
you.  You go girl!

Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all
get to play at being fair maidens (well,
some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah
darling) soon.  I heard tell that const-
ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is
going to be a perpetual jousting tourney
and such.  Costumes  and riding lessons,
sword  fighting,  and  possibly  a polar
bear, though  I  personally  suspect  my
source  had had a bit  too  much  of the
aqua vitae.

Have to  wonder  if  our local Instagram
princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit  too
much to drink, herself.  I've heard from
six sources, now, that she was seen down
in  our  favourite  Alexander's  Cat-22,
barely dressed, laughing and humming and
writing who knows what down. Whatever it
was, we'll never know,  too, because I'm
told  a  fellow (fella? sources couldn't
decide) named  Teagan  took a bat to the
table, then shredded it all.

Franky, Franky.  What are you doing?

You're supposed  to  date  that  charmer
Amanda,  not  give C.B.  more reasons to
give our fine officers hot feet.

It  does  seem  Green's  got  herself at
least one admirer, even if it isn't you.
Heard  tell  there was a  fine  Japanese
gentleman  wandering  around  drugged to
the gills and rambling love poems.

Then again,  the way this town is going,
maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,
do tell.  Do you like your  men all soft
and mumbly?

October 19 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in  Tamarack Falls,  we  don't
need our jackets  much;  it's summer all
over again.  Whichever of you's whisper
ing sweet nothings into Autumn's ears, I
hope  you  can  explain  yourself to the 
forsythia.  It's not even close to being
Spring, and my poor, confused bushes are
trying their utmost to bloom.

Emily's  blooming  too,  I hear.  Kudos, 
kiddo.  Congratulations on  the scholar
ship.

Kudos  to a stranger named Ziv as well,
and I'm sure Crumpet would thank her if
a  dog could talk.  I've  heard  a  few
folks chitter-chattering away about her
heroic stormdrain pup rescue services.

Now,  if only somebody could rescue our
darling Bill's  head.  The Scouts tried
to  honor  the guy by hanging up a sign
above the doorway to the bar,  but some
kid obviously hasn't done his carpentry
merit badge yet,  on account of how the
nails weren't really holding that thing
to the wall...

Don't  worry.  It's  a mild oak-induced
concussion.  He's cussing alright,  and
fit to spit nails.  Not literally. They
didn't  hit  his  mouth.  Bet he'd look
fantastic with a nose piercing to go on
through the new holes there, though.

October 26 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we get the
delightful chance  to  marvel  at  human
stupidity.  Harold  Lehrman,  did I tell
you  or did I not that you'd regret that
chainsaw  you left on your floor?  Thank
me  later for  getting  your name in the
paper.

Amanda Green, you shameless minx.  Don't
you think  I won't repeat  that  you did
your  entire show  in dishabille. Beyond
it, even.  Stealing hearts with a pretty
voice and a lovely...smile.

We've  got  ourselves  a  vorpal playing
card, too, and this author wonders about
the timing of the King of Hearts,  given
poor Kip's freshly single status.  I got
it  from  Crossroads Cafe,  my  very own
self, from his very own lips.

Surely  we can't  blame him,  then,  for
being seen the other  night leaving with
not one, but two unknown ladies,  all of
them drunk  as a skunk.  He  says he was
going back to a hotel with them, but for
what, I wonder?

This isn't  the first time I've heard of
Kip going off with someone, either. Why,
just in the last few weeks,  I hear tell
he  and C.B. Alexander drove  off  alone
to do  'something' together.  C.B.  went
off  with  our  local Instagram Princess
Franklyn Garreau, too.

Busy, busy, Mr. Alexander.

Point in fact,  I hear tell you picked a
fight  down in Riverside and went out to
the east  bank dressed like some kind of
tie-dyed female royalty. Is the pressure
too much?  When's  your next book due to
be   published?  If  you need some  help
with relaxation techniques, talk to Anne
Harlin.  The Reverend says SHE can sleep
just about anywhere...

November 2 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, Rebecca has
asked me to clarify that she is a  minxy
BIG fox, in search of a BIG man,  if you
know what she means.

Don't I wish I did.

Saw  a  couple of  hikers the  other day 
heading up  Mischance with,  I  kid  you
not,  ten dogs.  Ten.  I  counted  three
times.  What were they planning  to  do?
Wait until  it snowed and run a Tamarack
Iditarod?

I don't  know  about you,  but  I have a
hard enough  time  keeping a house plant
alive,  much less (almost) a dozen dogs.
Kudos, strangers. Emphasis on strange.

Speaking of strange,  have you seen that
glittery  purple  balloon lately?  Watch
out,  mystery pilot.  The winds over the
waterfall  can  be  tricky.  My youthful
admirers may  not believe it of me,  but
I  was  once   a  ballooning  champ  for
three  years running,  until I took this
arrow in the knee.

On a more heartwarming note (or not,  if
you're a Scrooge  like George),  a group
of newcomers  went out and visited folks
at Riverside Hospital this past  Tuesday
for Halloween.  

No police were called,  so  it's safe to
say  that  whatever else they did,  they
didn't scare children to death.

Seriously, that was a really  good deed,
folks.  Keep it up.

You too, big mystery man.

November 9 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
fair number of nippy days, haven't we? I
would be  minded  to cuddle up beside my
fire with a good book  and not come  out
until Spring thaw, but how could I poss-
ibly miss  gems  like Eddie Mayer trying
out his rollerskates down Main Street?

Note,  I did say trying, not succeeding.
On the bright  side, at least he  didn't
bleed all over EVERY pole in town...

Speaking of bleeding, have you seen that
new  body mod  shop down in the city?  I
hear  tell none other than  Winny Wilson
opened the place up, complete with  pig.
I hadn't  heard of him,  scars not being
my specialty, but a Johnny Drexel  seems 
to be sporting his own artwork something
fierce.  

Don't  know about you,  but I'm going to
avoid bleeding for art.

Bleeding for gossip, now, that I will do
with  pleasure.  I got  a dreadful paper
cut when  I  heard that the Treasurer of
Fort  Brunsett,  Molly  Crowley-Utridge, 
was decidedly unwidowly at a dinner with
a very nicely dressed Native fellow.  My
sources say the man was one Malaki Gray-
wolf.  Is Molly looking to add  a second
hyphenation to her mouthful of a name?

I  don't  even  want to think  about the
mouthfuls Ms. Mina Grey has been having.
Ballerina  food is rabbit  food,  and  I 
heard from a little birdy that our dance
teacher, or someone who looks a lot like
her, was seen  in social media marketing
for the Slutcracker in Somerville, MA.

Mina, Mina, Mina. We all know dating Mr.
Alexander  is  enough  to  drive  you to
drink, but come on, girl.  Do you really
want to give him more reasons to set the
world on fire?

November 16 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
request from one  Haruki for a shout-out
about his brother Itsuki's birthday. How
can  I refuse,  when  it comes with such
charming  good wishes  about  my lack of
disappearance?

Don't worry, kid.  I went on a Tuesday.

In other news, I have learned that First
Snow  holly  sprigs  make  exceptionally
poor seat  cushions.  If you  have never
had spiny leaves  jabbing into your bony
patoot,  I   highly  recommend that  you
avoid the experience.

Yes, I went and picked another sprig...

Eddie  Mayer has asked  me to correct my
previous  column.  My apologies,  Eddie.
You  were  landing  on  your tush at the
corner  of  Main Street  and  Mill,  not 
just  Main  Street.  Thank  you  for the
tip!

Have  you  seen the  prep for the parade
this weekend?  Got the  streamers up and
turkeys  everywhere.  Gotta  wonder what
aliens would  think of it,  if  they saw
it.  Are  we cultists  celebrating   our
(delicious) gobbly god?

What's YOUR favorite Thanksgiving food?

Mine's  got  to be the  mashed potatoes.
Get some  cream in while you mash,  some
butter, salt... Mmmmm.  Add in  a splash
of gravy, and you're golden.

So  are  the  wallets  of the  emergency
services after fixing your  food-induced
heart  attack,  but  possible  death  is 
nothing when compared with a good mash.

November 23 2017

No column! Thanksgiving.

November 30 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
good vacation  from reality,  thanks  to
Thanksgiving (sorry,  folks, calories do
still  count on holidays; my scale won't
lie), but  family  time makes  for GREAT
gossip. 

Let's get started!

Jack,  Jack,  you know you don't do well
with  wine.  The maudlin song prize goes
to you, for certain sure.  Next time,  I
want  a recorder  with  me.  That  stuff
would sell!

The exploding turkey prize has got to go
to Betsy Mayer.  Bets, this is the third
year in a row.  How do you even DO that?

Jacob Hennessey gets the 'Belongs in One
of the Final Destination Movies'  prize,
because  I  didn't  even know  something
like this could happen without cinematic
magic  to  help it  along.  From  what I
heard, it went something  like  this:  a
kid  tripped  over a chicken, which flew
into his  mama's  patoot, which made her
jerk her arm  up from  the  meat she was 
butchering, and because her hand was wet
the  knife slipped  up and cut  the cord 
holding the oil lamp the kid's older sis
had hung up there for extra light, which
fell and broke  and spilled burning  oil
every which way, which  set mama's pants
on  fire, which sent mama running out to
start stripping in the barnyard with the
chickens,  which prompted Jacob's sudden
coronary and  subsequent helicopter ride
to Riverside Hospital.

Now THAT is an evening.

Don't worry, Jake's fine.  Suzette's all
right too,  and  the chicken made a good
supper.

In less flammable news, I hear tell that
Aspire place  down in  Fort Brunsett may
be getting a new owner. Reliable sources
inform  me that  Johnny Drexel  has been
seen  puttering around the lobby through
the windows.  Does he need that much new
space to cut holes in people?

Time will tell.  Also  lawyers.  Lawyers
are really  good  to  have  when slicing
people up.  I, for one, plan to stay far
away.

December 7 2017

No column!

December 14 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  get  a
great  big thank  you to whichever witch
up and decided to curse me last week.

Mr. Alexander,  I may  be hiring  you to
set a fire.

If any of you have never felt the lovely
after-effects  of a  concussion,  I most
heartily commend you for your choices in
life  and wish  I could go  back to join
your club.

Let's see, now.  Last week, I got a note
from a certain Japanese magician that it
was C.B. Alexander's birthday,  who asks
that  I send  him a birthday message to,
I quote, cheer him up.  

Haruki, kid, you're sweet.  If  he wants
free advertising for his book, he should
scream at me some more and post a letter
to the editor.  That's always fun.

How's  your  holiday  planning going?  I
hear tell Mayor Jack has had a few unex-
pected visitors lately.  Lost relations?
Do tell, Mayor!

Nancy Thackeray sure lost something this
weekend,  and she  won't be  getting  it
back for at least another eighteen years
by my reckoning.  Congratulations, mama.
Hope you don't mind sleep loss.  It just
gets worse the more you have, I'm told.

This,  my readers, is why I am, and plan
to remain, single.  Menopause can't come
soon enough.

Speaking  of marriage and children,  our
very own Amanda Green has had a few tid-
bits floating  around  about a big to-do
wedding  of her  own.  Who's  the  lucky
partner?

December 21 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the smith's
a busy busy bee out there.  The New Year
Nail-Up is in good swing, and clang, and
clank...

I heard  tell  he got a record number of
assistants this year.  I wonder why.

I  also  wonder why his latest assistant
and Kip don't team up to woo the ladies,
because hoo  boy,  Mr. Robin Collier has
an  accent fit to make a  fiddle  dance.
Don't  even  get me started on his eyes.
That shade of blue should be illegal.

Of course, he smokes,  and he looks like
he probably hasn't seen the sun since he
was  twelve,  but  those  are manageable
faults.

What  do you say,  Mr. Collier?  Are you
up  for  being   managed?   The  ladies'
knitting circle would like to know!

We'd  like  to  know  about  ghost cars,
too, seeing as it  seems  we've  got  at
least one of those buggers around. A few
folks have  asked about  a crash down by
Snake Creek,  but when  yours truly went
down to investigate,  there was no trace
of it.

Maybe Father Christmas  had a sleigh boo
boo  on  one of his practice runs.  Keep
eyes out, kids.  Hoofprints on your head
aren't  the  sort  of gift you want this
weekend.

Really,  you  don't.  Take  it  from   a
little old lady  who got stomped on by a
cow.

December 28 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we had our-
selves  a break-in  at  a  local grocery
store, folks.  Right here in town,  too.
What do  people  think this is?  More to
the point,  what on  earth were they out
to steal?  

Do they think we have any money?

I hear tell the authorities found  a guy
trapped  under a  row of fallen shelves,
with two others trying to get him free.

Speaking  of free,  if  you've  got  any
books for children,  stop on in at Kip's
love nest,  Homepage.  He's collecting a
donation for the schools in the area, as
I well know. I gave him a lovely copy of
See Spot Run.  

Run, Kip.  Just run.  You don't want to
be surrounded  by the hordes of adoring
fangirls who will try to  get into your
life once they find out you're dating a
professional Slutcracker. 

That's right.  You heard me.  Mina, who
could be  anything in the world,  chose
to dance in the Slutcracker, and hooey,
she looks darned good in black.  You're
one fine dominatrix, girl. Look online,
folks, and you'll see plenty of pics of
her as 'The Russian'...and of Mina with
Kip, arms full of flowers...

Where are the pics of their tattoos,  I
wonder?  Sources  say they were spotted
outside of  a  tattoo parlor in Boston.
Together.

Tell me.  Do  we have more matrimony in
our  future,  or  is  this a  desperate
attempt  to  drum  up  business  for  a
failing bookstore?  Kip, darling, rabid
readers want to know. How DO you do it?

With leather, it seems.  Why, Trudy was
walking  into  Homepage just  the other
day  when  she overheard this hunk of a
prince  talking  to  some girl with too
much  hair  dye  about  not  being  her
lovely toy...

First  the  lingerie  parlor,  then the
ball    gag   and   the   multi-purpose
bullwhip,  and  now a girlfriend in the
Slutcracker with BDSM on your counter?

Kip, Kip, Kip.

Welcome  home,  kid.  Never leave.  You
make my job too easy.

January 4 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is mak-
ing up for lost time, isn't he?  I heard
a little  birdy say  that one of the two
female employees  at Homepage marched on
into  the  store  to  start  her  shift,
hustled all the post-lunch shoppers out,
and  flipped the sign  to 'Closed' for a
'private' 'conversation' with Kip.

Now,  lest your thoughts travel down the
same paths mine did,  let  me assure you
that it does,  indeed,  get  better than
that.

Cerise,  for it was she who accosted our
darling Kip, is said to have spent quite
a  while having a  rather 'intense' dis-
cussion with  the store  owner.  Is it a
coincidence  that  witnesses  say he was
spotted  putting his shirt back on after
the Incident?  

Now, Sally-Mae says he even tried to hug
her afterward.

Mina,  dear,  we all thought you and Kip
were  so  happy.  Is  there  trouble  in
Slutcracker paradise?

Did he use the whip in the wrong place?

At least the skiers are happy. We've got
a good  48" of  powder on  those slopes, 
and  more snow to come.  Careful not  to 
introduce  your  noggin to  cow  fences,
folks.  Wind's  been  blowing hard,  and
they're as  white  as  anything.  Cross-
country's not as safe as it could be...

Last  but  not  least,  we've  got  some
mysterious geese on  the  loose.  Anyone
lose a goose?

Or seven?

I'm told the flock has been chasing kids
off of  sidewalks  into  snowbanks,  and
stealing  mittens,  though  what  use  a
goose  has  for  a mitten  is beyond me.

January 11 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we had yet
another day of  Homepage Books showing a
great big CLOSED sign to the world.

Kip, darling,  I know the attention is a
lot.  We  only want to  love you.  Or we
want to delight ourselves with a honking
big dose of schadenfreude and be glad we
aren't the ones with multiple girlfriend
collisions in the hallway.

How DO you manage those, anyway? Doesn't
seem to be working out for you too well.

Speaking  of not working out well,  what
else doesn't work?  Ice skating on snow.
Katie,  let us  know  when  that  broken
ankle  heals.  I'll get  the  editor  to 
take you  out for  an ice cream and tell
you all about his own.

The slopes  of Mount Salvation have been
pretty  busy lately,  and  not for their
value as a place to play on snow.  Folks
say, and I can attest myself, that there
have  been  odd prints and circles,  and
sometimes lights at night, dancing.

Have  we got  ourselves  a new  coven of
witches,  or is snow circling the latest
version  of  crop  circling?  Maybe  the
aliens have gone  native  Vermonter.  If 
so,  I've  got some Cabot cheese and Ben
& Jerry's with their names on it. 

Assuming, that is, that they have names.

Gossip columnist starts interstellar war
by making erroneous assumptions. See the
full report at seven!

January 18 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
that Daniel Dross  lost his marbles over
at The Seventh House. Word is,  he asked
some  poor crippled young woman over for
breakfast,   gentlemanly-like,  only  to
take a drawing she did, storm around the
cafe,  shred  the  thing and throw it in 
the fire. 

Now,  shame on him,  but  what I want to
know is this: what was on  that drawing?
Linda, if it was anything like yours,  I
retract  that  statement.  No one should
have to see that.

Sources say  he dragged her right out of
the  shop,  didn't  even  let her finish
her tea, or her bread and honey. Tsk.

You   know,   she   bore   a    striking 
resemblance  to   a  certain  family  of 
Millers 'round about these parts...

Continuing  this  week's theme of ladies
with bad luck, my sources tell me one of
the  restaurants  down  in  the Singers'
Circle  is  being investigated,  just in
case, for food and safety concerns after
a blind date  gone wrong.  Witnesses say
the guy was looking bored, when the girl
suddenly went insane, claiming she could
see bugs in her food, all over her skin,
and skedaddled. 

Kids,  this  is  why  you don't do drugs
before you date.

Third in our trifecta of female disaster
flicks,  I  hear  our instagram princess
Franky Garreau may be on  the  outs with
Kip's   latest  love  interest.  Cerise,
Cerise,  are  you moving  in on Franky's
man?  Really,  C. B. Alexander shouldn't
be  your kind of 'hot' -- not unless you
like napalm.

Men,  watch  out.  Next week it could be
you.

January 25 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
bologna on the loose.  

Yes, you read that correctly: a bologna.
Three folks have come up to me to ask if
I've heard about it, and one of them was
pretty certain the stink was coming from
the town hall...

But enough about that.

Let's hear some juicy news.  Amanda Bale
and Erzsebet Angle have been steaming up
the dance floor down at the high school,
and hoo boy, those girls can tango.  Who
says you need a man,  right ladies? Come
chat  some time.  I know  some folks who
run the local competitions. 

Also,  in  spite  of  injuries  to   the
contrary, I  spied with  my little black 
eye  a  certain Mayor hobbling around on 
the   mill  pond.  What's  the  problem, 
Jack? Even I can skate better than that.
You getting too old for fun?

On that note, I dare anyone and everyone
to  send  in  pictures  of the stupidest
things they can think of doing while ice
skating.  I'll Shanghai the  editor into
giving me more space  so I can  post the
best of them next week!

February 1 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
vigilante in our midst. I can't honestly
say I wouldn't feel excited if I got  my
own superhero nickname, so kudos to you,
Blackout, whoever you are.

Just  don't  go  all One Punch Man on my
nephew Jadis.  He likes to  dress like a
punk, but he's got the soul of a cherry-
pink marshmallow.

Yes, dear.  I love you too.  Suffer.

Speaking of suffering, I heard tell that
our  very own  Kip was spotted on one of
the bridges down in Fort Brunsett, stark
naked and covered in stripper glitter.

Kip, I can't say I blame you.  If I ever
caught a  case  of glitteritis as bad as
that one, I'd be tempted  to  jump off a
bridge's railing, too.

The Tam seems to be getting more popular
lately,  or  maybe folks  are  just stir
crazy after all that snow.  Or crazy, in
general.  Franklyn, I've  gotta say, I'm
disappointed.  You're  a good girl,  but
if you keep this up, you're going to end
up in the loony bin or six feet under.

Walking around the city  in  your PJs is
one thing.  Even Adam Wilkinson has done
that one, hasn't he, Adam?  

Whatever  guy you're crying about,  come
sniffle on  the  West  bank,  girl.  You 
should know better.  Also, get a jacket!

Last but not least, it sounds like we've
got ourselves a new brawler in town. Old
Janni Kristoffsen  said  some girl named
Merle got  into one rip-roaring fight at
the bar over  a pack  of cigarettes  she
may or may  not  have  acquired with his
permission.

What I wonder is this: if we put Mystery
Merle in a pit with C.B. Alexander, who
would be the last one standing?

February 8 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
whole  lot of pink,  and enough roses to
sink a boat.  Or a float.

Kids, go gentle on the Valentine's float
in the parade this year.  While I can't,
as a reasonable adult,  condone sticking
fireworks under its chassis, the symbol-
ism  of love going up in flames and then
setting  the church on fire was a little
too close to the  mark for a  few ladies
last year,  which did drive up subscrip-
tions to the paper and my column...

Maybe stick to uncomfortable red oozing.
No?  Okay, how about  wearing sheets and
putting on a Christmas Story parody with
the ghost of loves past?  I know Harriet
isn't  used  to  sneaking around under a
sheet in  daylight,  but   I'm  sure she
could make an  exception to  teach you a
few tricks.

In other news, Fort Brunsett has had yet
another series of violent crimes.  Can't
say as I blame them.  I get violent when
my car door freezes shut after an entire
day of freezing rain, myself.

I do not,  however, then explode my car.

Yours  truly  hasn't gotten  all of  the
details on this one,  but my sources did
say the driver was a criminal, and  that
he  was  yelling  about   hung  men  and 
midgets and  rods that  could  shoot six
blocks.  Somehow,  as  excellent as that
image is, I  don't think  that  is quite
what happened.

Last  but  not  least,  the  Last Chance
diner down in  the  junkyard had its own
dust-up.  I'm  told  a  gang  of  feisty
ne'er-do-wells got  a face full of bacon
after  interrupting Johnny Drexel at his
breakfast with a pretty girl.  Gentleman
that he was,  I'm  told he  even  played 
white knight to her when the rest of the
gang tried  to beat  them  up  when they 
left  the  diner, aided by the Samaritan
Scooby Gang.

Thugs and assorted criminals,  if you're
going to pick on a guy,  pick on Drexel.
I want to see  how many times I can tell
the   same   story  before   my   editor
strangles me for it.

February 15 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  the parade
went off without a  hitch.  Or,  rather,
without a torch.  There was a lot of red
and pink confetti, and Mrs. Herringworth
may or may not have lost her dentures on
a lollipop, but the vampire fangs may or
may not have made it all worth it. 

Seriously.  Fangs.

Linda, you win at life.  Then again, you
have had  about  twice as many  years to
get better at it...

I hear tell a certain pair of  teenagers
was  trying to get better at something I
can't  put in print,  too.  Kids,  maybe
next time you should turn the car lights
off before you  start  making it  bounce
around.

You know what else was bouncing?  

Men.  Three of them,  and  they were the
only ones to volunteer down at The Plank
on  Amateur  Night.  That big boxer King
was down there,  too, though I'm told he
wouldn't dance.  Scoping  out the compe-
tition, perhaps?  His  new establishment
does  seem to lack a certain grit.  That
could  just be memories of my shoes get-
ting stuck to the  floor  by old glitter
and grog, however...

My  sources  also claim our favorite cop
crisper  C.B. Alexander  was there  with
none other than Franklyn Garreau,  and a
cutey  no one  could  quite get the name
of, too.  On  Valentine's  Day?  I smell
a  threesome  in  the air!  Tell us, Mr.
Alexander,  how  do  your  cockles grow?
Pretty maids all in a row?

February 22 2018

Enid was kidnapped!!

March 1 2018

Enid is still missing!! Oh wait, she got away!

March 8 2018

Enid is home! Yay! She is recovering, though, and couldn't collect enough gossip before her deadline.

March 15 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  have  a
lot of gossip to catch up on! Here we go
now...

In older news,  I  owe Emmett Anderson a
great  big thank you for egging my house
and  getting punished for it.  Thanks to
his mom, too, for punishing him!  

Anyone else  feel like weeding my flower
garden?  I can sit inside and pretend to
get  kidnapped again.  Maybe a  tropical
island  this  time;  that  would  be  an
improvement.

I'm  told  I  missed the bombing of that
poor old  bowling  alley  down  in  Fort
Brunsett, too.  Can't say as I blame the
bombers, though.  That place sold food I
never once didn't regret eating.  Quick,
set up  a  petition -- better  food  for
better bowlers!

As  much  as  we  would all love to hear
that  THE Mr. Alexander was responsible,
I'm afraid police have already confirmed
he wasn't on the premises.  I did hear a
juicy  tidbit  about  a drunken visit to
the hospital room of one Cerise Hodgson,
however,  with   a  delectably  pathetic
bouquet and  a ward-load of yelling.  Do
we have a new romance on the offing? One
that  involves  hospital  security right
from the start can't possibly go wrong.

Speaking of bouquets...

Our  favorite  Kip  has been seen buying
more than one handful of flowers lately,
and rumor has it, none of them have been
for Mina Grey!

Has  the  slutcracker ballerina lost her
leghold on his heart?

Is  it  true that they have ALL been for
one of his  employees?  Kip,  do  let us
know, there's  a  dear.  Mandy needs the
laugh. A little birdy tells me she tried
climbing  in HER employee's back window,
fell, and had  to  be  rescued from  the
town's worst window-wedgie in decades...

March 22 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, little John
Horner learned  the hard way that,  when
mama says to stop, you stop.

Don't worry. The ice broke his fall. And
his elbow.  Condolences  and  Gibb slaps
may be directed to Mulberry Lane.

Speaking of self-injury, I just happened
to  overhear a  few  police officers the
other  day  talking about  Electric City
blowing up with  some freak power surge.
My source wasn't as open as I would have
liked, so it could have been a Jane, Jan
or  maybe even  James.  As  your  gossip
specialist,  I fail  you  today.  If you
know  who  got themselves maimed, share!
Inquiring minds want schadenfreude!

Now, Mayor Jack hasn't been in the paper
enough  lately,  in my opinion, so let's
share a wee tidbit of Spring  silliness,
shall we?  We  all know  he's a handsome
devil,  and we all know he's an all  too
sober one; trust me, the number of times
I've tried to get that man to drink...

Just the other day,  Mandy Morrison says
she saw the  Mayor out behind her house,
wearing red boxers with white hearts all
over,  chasing down what she swore was a
little kid  all  dressed up like an elf.
Pretty thorough  mask,  too.  They  went
around the  corner  pretty  quick, but I
now  have it on excellent authority that
our Mayor has one spectacular ass.

Kip,  however,  has been concealing his.

Don't  you  know that no matter how many
girls you  run  through,  trying to beat 
the  town's speed-dumping  records,  you
will always have  our  love?  I know for
a  fact  that  Sally Quinn has a mind to
share her muffins  with you any time you
like.  Of course,  her  boyfriend seemed
to disagree with the idea...

March 29 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  the town's
favorite Kip Kensington  is  back in the
spotlight,  and  hoo boy,  it's a doozy.
Miss Ethel says there she was,  buying a
nice book for  her little nephew over at
Homepage  Books,  when  out  of nowhere, 
there  he was,  asking a female employee
if he was hot.

Just wait.  It gets better.

THEN,  he said something about getting a
raincoat to  go  meet  another  girl.  A
girl who was not Mina, it must be noted.
Who IS this mystery woman on the phone?

Even  better,  reliable  sources tell me
that Kip  was  overheard having  a  chat
with Copfire Alexander himself. Not just
a chat,  no,  but  some  rather  pointed
questions about C.B.'s interest in  Mina
Grey.  Will this love triangle ever end?

Kip, our rabid readers are dying to know
the  truth.  When  you  talked with C.B.
about rings, was that for you or for one
of your  harem?  I'm  told Cerise's name
came  up,  which could explain  why  you
were asking her if you were hot...

On the subject of lovely ladies,  I have
it on good  authority  that local story-
teller  and hair-dye enthusiast November
was seen  down  at  Aspire by the hockey
rink with a rather talented young woman.
Talented in more than one way, it seems.
You go, girl.  Turning  a  time-out  box
into a kissing booth  has the Enid stamp
of approval!

What doesn't have my approval?

Letting dogs take a  dump on public land
and  not cleaning it up.  If anyone sees
the owner of  a  dog with a particularly
large rectum down by the Miller gardens,
do  let  me  know,  so  I can thank them
for their  contribution  to  the  public
health and safety codes.

April 5, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I'm told I
started rumors all on my lonesome, which
is an entertainment, I assure you.  Yes,
I did indeed  have  clumps  of extremely
handsome young  gentlemen  coming  by my
office to give me gifts.  Ladies, too.

Thank you,  one and all,  for  your kind
words and wishes.  Mr. Alexander,  thank
you,  too,  for the  effort you put into
telling the world I'm an abomination.

I respect your opinions.  Mine differ.

Speaking  of  different,  if you haven't
gone  by the farm  by the Fry fields,  I
recommend  a trip out west of town.  The
Rackhams  chalked each and every  one of
their sheep  in  Easter egg  stripes and
spots.  I have been  assured that all of
the chalk sprays  used are biodegradable
and not harmful to the animals.

Belated Easter themes are the way to go,
it seems.  I hear tell the mighty magic-
ians  Haruki and Itsuki  ran  an  Easter
event for kids with themed magic tricks,
an  egg  hunt and  real  rabbits.  As  a
gardener,  I've  gotta  say,  petting  a
bunny isn't my current desire...

I know someone  who does desire petting,
however.  Tommy,  next  time  you  steal
your papa's liquor, leave the cell phone
at  home.  Drunk  texting  me,  of   all
people, is just asking for trouble.  You
also owe me $5 for the bet you made that
I wouldn't print it.

April 12, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a long-term
reader  is  determined  to flood me with
rabbits.

Haruki, kid, you're a magician. Use your
magic to  keep the  gosh  darned bunnies
out of my tulips, and I won't need to be
upset  with  them.  They  have  a clover
patch and plenty  of  greens  out in the
woods.

The deer have returned,  too, as Delilah
learned the other  night on Main Street.
Del, you let us know  if the kids need a
ride anywhere.  Let me  know when you're
finally going to up that prescription on
your glasses, too, because your radiator
has the  holes to prove that buck wasn't
a bush...

Speaking of friends in need, I hear tell
our  favorite  Kip managed  to find some
booze  down  in  Fort Brunsett this past
week. Who knew Cat-22 had a bar upstairs
and, more to  the  point,  who knew  Kip
actually drank in public? 

Maybe he shouldn't have.

I'm  told  his  'not-nerdy girl' without
glasses and  his lovely Mina had to drag
him, mumbling, down the stairs.

I'm  also  told  he  was  talking  to an
imaginary friend named  Andrew  over  at
Homepage.  Everything  okay   with  you,
Kip?  We adore you,  and I can guarantee
Missy Miller  would  share  some  of her
famous peach pie if you were poorly. She
told me just the other day how much she
loves  reading  about  you in the paper,
didn't she, Missy?

The  fanfic  shipping of you and C.B. is
still  the best.  Bernadette Peters  has
sent in  three comics  of  you two,  and
I'm  told I am supposed to tell her mama
that she expects  to  be called B.P. now
in C.B.'s image,  and plans  on  setting
fire to any broccoli which finds its way
onto her plate at night.

B.P., you are an inspiration to us all.

April 19, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I remain a
victim of rabbit flooding.  Kid,  I live
surrounded by fields, and trees. If they
aren't getting enough grass,  that's not
my fault.

What IS my fault is the delectable snack
tray at the  newspaper headquarters this
week.  I shamelessly  self-advertise  my
cooking, and invite everyone to  mail in
any  and  all advice to  make it better.
Mayor Jack, I already have yours.  No, I
will not stop baking.

While I won't stop baking, you all won't
stop  loving,  for  which  I'm thankful. 
Please, keep loving each other, and keep
having disasters like that incident down
at the mall last week.  Bandies,  if you
read this, correct me.  A  group  called
'Red Lost Dead Lost' was  performing  in
the food court,  and ended up  finishing
with a Springer-worthy love triangle,  a
failed proposal and  an outing,  all  at
once.  Come  to think  of it,  our local
magician was there, too...

Haruki,  are you getting into the match-
making business?

Speaking of matches, I haven't heard any
news about our darling Kip,  ladies,  so
don't you worry.  If he  falls  over and
dies, I'm sure  we'll all hear about it.
The cops are asking folks to stop lining
up  outside  Homepage, however, and I am
going  to  say  this only once: I am not
giving anyone either Kip's  or  Mr. C.B.
Alexander's  personal  addresses,  phone
numbers or any other information. Please
stop asking!

Let's start thinking about frozen bread,
instead.  Who do  you think the winner's
going  to be?  Give me your ideas!  What
themes do you think the  Spring Fling is
going to end up  stuck  with?  Can't  be
worse  than  that  Spongebob Squarepants
debacle three years back...

April 30, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  a  certain
newspaper owner  has learned a  valuable
lesson: don't tick off the high schooler
who   was  hired  to  bring  half-decent
coffee.

The  high schooler has learned, in turn,
that  watching  where she  stomps may be
a  good  idea when carrying an armful of
paper cups full of steaming hot java.

The  electrician  who  was  updating our
circuit  breaker has,  in turn,  learned
just how long  it takes to clean out the
electrical   conduits  and  fix  shorted
wires...

Long  story  short,  sorry  for the late
publication, folks.

Also,  sorry,  Hank.  How was I supposed
to  know  the dye  on  the bandage would
bleed?  Better  you than  me,  though. I
don't look great in pink hearts.

Following  up  on  our  apparent  rabbit
theme, lately,  I'm told Haruki was seen
running  about down  in  Fort Brunsett's
riverside park on spring stilts, dressed
up  as a rabbit and making origami,  you
guessed it, more rabbits, for children.

Kid, try a cat or something.  Be a super
hero.  No way is DC Comics going to make
a movie for Rabbitman.

Speaking of heroes,  I hear Jack Fry has
made  a name for  himself  as  an  otter
whisperer.  I've been sent at least four
YouTube  links  to videos and commentary
on the incident, and on his heckler.

Your  park  rangers  in  action,  folks.
Kudos, Jack.  

P.S. The otter's cuter.

May 3, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
bit of  fun about  local  contractor and
amateur fisher Leon Huskey. See, he went
on  down  to  the fishing spot by South-
bridge,  and as  I hear  it,  HE says he
tripped over some sort of pothole in the
dirt.  Caught  himself a  good  crack on
the jaw for it, too, but no one else has
seen  so much as  a whisker of a pothole
there.  Leon,  if it makes me kiss  dirt
as well as you did, I don't even want to
know what you were drinking.

Speaking  of  the  river,  May first has
come and gone, and that means those zany
Lefevres  were prancing around doing  as
pagans do to  celebrate Beltane.  I hear
tell our old Hollywood Hopeful, Cam, was
seen giving his sister's roomie cow-eyes
while singing a love song on his guitar.

Is romance in the air?  Time will tell!

If Cerise's bruises  are  C.B.'s form of
romance,  however,  I  don't  want them.
Now,  I, for one,  don't  think  the guy
did it, but I've  heard plenty of voices
wondering  whether  Cerise  could really
get THAT many bruises just from slipping
on a couple of rocks under a stream.

Cerise, do tell.  Were you doing a tango
out there somewhere? I hear Kip's pretty
terrible at  dancing,  so I wouldn't put
it  past the guy to end up giving you an
elbow to the eye...

May 10, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have only
good to say.

Promise.

It's the talk of the town that  Jack Fry
may be  even more of a stand-up guy,  if
you know what I mean.  Why, Trudy at the
general store was  saying just the other
day  that  when he was out shopping, she
overheard a twenty-something  girl  call
him her daddy, and  wasn't  she just the
spitting image of the late Mrs. Fry...

Welcome to town, kid.  Go  do  something
inadvisable and fun.

Speaking of "inadvisable and fun" things
to be doing,  I  hear  tell a trucker on
his  way  through may have had a bit too
much to drink.  Either  that,  or he's a
fibber.  Now,  I got  this  from  a  few
different  sources, but  as  best I  can
piece  it together,  the man was  trans-
porting  crates  of  food.  When he  got
out  and  started  unpacking it all,  he
found two cans had been opened and eaten
up, turned  into "mice" with  some craft
paper  and glue. 

Just wait. It gets even better.

See,  along  with the "mice" left there,
some-mouse  left  copious  quantities of
glitter,  complete with teensy tiny foot
prints  all  over the back of the truck.
Another driver,  heading  to  town  last
Tuesday night,  saw  two  sparkling kids
laughing  their fool heads  off  jumping
out  of  a  truck  at  a stop light, but
when he went back to check  it out,  all
he found was  a splash of glitter on the
road.

Kids,  needless to say, it's not a smart
idea  to hitch-hike and it's not a legal
idea to hitch-hike and steal a company's
property,  even  if it tastes fantastic,
though canned food tasting  fantastic is
a  speculation  I'll  save  for a column
where  I'm allowing myself to say things
which aren't good.

Last  but  not least,  what's this about
Miss Mina wearing  a  particular ring on
her finger?  Do tell!  That's  the  kind
glitter we all WANT to see.

May 17, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  have  a
LOT to get through. You folks are great!

First,  I  heard  a little birdy down at
the Seventh House Cafe  saying  that the
owner,  Avalon,  is  planning on hosting
some  sort  of fair in  the near future.
As long as the  White Witch of the North
here has some good black tea, I'm in.

Now,  I'm doubtful on this one,  but I'm
morally  obligated  to defend your goats
and  virgins:  watch  out  for so-called
Satanists  on July 27th.  I hear they're
setting  up  for  some big event down by
the river.

Events  are  the  way  to  go, it seems,
because  the gold-flinging Logan Brenner
is  up to it again.  I haven't been able
to get details,  so you'll  have to stay
tuned for those, but it sounds like he's
planning a big lakeside barbecue down in
Fort   Brunsett   for   charity.  Anyone
feeling hungry?

If  you're feeling hungry for abuse, our
favorite curmudgeon  Ryan Dunnage  seems
to  have a  new  favorite  topic.  Ryan,
what's up with Thompson Meadows?  If you
want romantic advice,  I  bet  that cute
Japanese  magician  can help you win him
over...  haven't  seen Meadows in weeks,
so whatever you're doing,  I don't think
it's working.  Come  to  think of it,  I
haven't  seen  Roberto  Alvarez  around,
either. What do you think, folks? He and
Meadows gone off to get hitched?

Seems  there's  been a rash of Christmas
capers  around town, too.  I've had four
people say they got a Christmas card and
started having weird stuff happen. Where
are the Ghostbusters when you need them?

For  that  matter,  where's a Boba Fett?
Get this.  Mr.  Oswald Addington, one of
the  Councilmen  down  in Fort Brunsett,
actually  has a bounty out on the ballsy
artist who painted a three-headed cat on
his town car.  $150 for a lead, $300 for
the culprit.  Anyone got a good speeder?

Last but not least,  does Kip have a new
admirer?  A certain  Megan Sato has been
seen in and out of Homepage, and hoo boy
has she been loud.  If not Kip, I know a
certain employee  who's not a bad looker
at all...  Something  going  on that you
want to tell us, Cerise?

May 24, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we get the
joy of knowing that Amanda Rachne's food
will be gracing someone else's tables. I
hope   her  new  husband  has  a  strong
stomach!  That  said,  Mandy,  we'll all
miss your basket-weaving. Send us a note
from Colorado,  and  stop  by the office
before you go. We'll keep in touch!

I  hear  tell  some specifically unnamed
magicians  would like to start up debate
about  which  one  of them is cuter than
the  other.  See  Haruki  and Itsuki for
details,  though given that I'm told bad
things  happen  to  the places they plan 
to perform,  maybe you should wait until
after they open up their magical museum.

While  I  don't  know of any fires being
set  in anybody's hearts this past week,
I'm sure glad the real thing is done and
gone. We here at the Times would like to
give a great big thank you to all of the
volunteers and responders who helped out
with taming the wildfires this past week
out in the west valley.

I  do know that a certain teenaged some-
one  came by to leave  Mr. Arnold a love
note, however...

Sorry to say, kid  but I don't think you
really  have a chance.  He's a one-woman
cat, and Missy Potts is his woman.

May 31, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  let's  all
take a  minute  to  get  sappy here, and
think about gratitude.  I,  for one,  am
very grateful  that we have so many good
men and women here in town willing to be
volunteers  out  west.  The  town  is  a
little   emptier,   a   little  quieter,
without you all,  but with luck and good
hard   work,  they'll  track  down  that
bomber and give them what they deserve.

Done  being  sappy?  Good.  Now for some
gossip.

Now,  anyone with eyes knows that Cerise
Hodgson is around our favorite Alexander
on a regular basis. Gotta wonder whether
he's starting to rub off on her, though.
I've heard  from  multiple  sources that
she's  been spotted wandering around the
city in  various  states  of drunkenness
lately.  Cerise,  if  it's man troubles,
I'm  useless,  but I do know the name of
a good couples therapist...

Speaking of women with problems, while I
commend  your dedication to your health,
Franklyn, there are safer places for you
to walk than down the riverbank at night
around  here,  and  you  of  all  people
should know better.

Folks have been busy this week,  so stay
with me,  here, readers.  Gossip, speed-
run style!

I'm told there has been a gaggle of gun-
shots down by Snake Creek. Whoever's out
there, find a shooting range, would you?
The noise is getting old for residents.

Remember  Thompson Meadows?  Apparently,
one  of the Utridge bachelors was picked
up by  a blonde seen going in and out of
Meadows' home.

Mr. Meadows  himself seems to have found
a pot of luck, however.  Word is his new
prosthetics  are  the work of some young
savant called Widget. Could be worse.  I
knew a guy called Dick N. Bhallis once.

The  Frys  are  having fun with the prep
for the Pink Cow Run,  meanwhile, though
I'm not sure how the Trojan Cow is going
to come into the action...  I've made my
obligatory  inappropriate  joke  for the
day,  so  you can go ahead and imagine a
whopper about wooden bovines yourself.

I'm told the lights went out down by the
Riverside  markets last Tuesday.  Darker
than  the inside  of  a cat,  not that I
have any personal experience with the
inside of felines.

I  don't  have  a lot of experience with
fossils,  either,  but get this: someone
found  some great big honking bones from
pleistocene   beluga   whales,   of  all
things,   and  a  fully  intact  mammoth
skeleton.  Gotta  say, my bet's on hoax.
Anyone  who  knows about it,  you let us
all know; inquiring minds, and all that.

Speaking of animals, the artist with the
three-headed  cat  has competition.  I'm
told  a  number  of strange symbols have
been cropping  up all over town on cars,
buildings,  even pets.  I've known a few
perfectly  reasonable  Satanists  in  my
time,  but this  is a bit strange,  even
for  them.  I  don't  know  if I believe
the rumors that they're behind it all.

Last  but not least,  Melinda Bates says
she's seen a strange  man  in  an orange
suit stumbling around town at night, but
she  couldn't  understand  what  he  was
saying.  Whatever it was,  he sure liked
yelling it.

June 7, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  it  sounds
like we  have a lost Alexander wandering
around town.  No one got a name,  but if
you're reading  this,  kiddo,  check out
the Stone & Crown Shipping down in FB. I
would advise learning some Spanish, too,
while you're  at it.  Lolo's swearing is
something to be admired.

Franklyn's decisions, however,  are less
admirable.

We have people  in three camps:  camp #1
thinks she  was down there setting off a
few  harmless  fireworks.  Camp #2  says
she's  been dating C.B. too long and set
a few small fires  for kicks and giggles
and  the pure cussed joy of it.  Camp #3
is   my   personal   favorite:  her  pet
hamster died  a noble death, and she was
there  to  give it a Viking funeral upon
the water.

Speaking of water, the Pink Cow Run went
off swimmingly -- literally, in some
cases.

I'm told Avalon Lefevre dunked Jimmy Fry
into the water tank with one throw, that
cutey  Maggie Locklear  pinking  him  up
right afterward.  The  ladies  pinked up
more than Jimmy,  too,  from all I hear.
Albert,  you  may have some  competition
for good arms... Maybe you should take a
few pitching lessons from them.  I don't
know about you, but breaking your mama's
kitchen window,  twice,  in one week, is
something I'd want to learn how to stop.

Speaking of Frys,  I hear tell that Jack
fellow  has  a  mighty  fine chest,  but 
don't get  your hopes up, ladies; Gladys
was out  walking  those  mops  she calls
dogs  bright  and early, and spotted him
at Dr. Gallagher's cabin.  Now,  THAT is
a form of anthropology  I wouldn't  mind
studying...

I hear Kip was doing a bit of 'studying'
himself  recently  with that Zillah from
the  shop  next door.  Despite claims to
the contrary, I've met the guy, and it's
my not inconsiderable opinion that  he's
way  too  much  of a marshmallow to hurt
his darling Mina.

Then again, if they broke up...

Inquiring minds want to know, Kip. How's
your love life?  Still in love?

June 14, 2018

Enid Schmitt is not having a good year. She was in the hospital this past week after someone tried to kidnap her.

Elsewhere in the paper, it is explained that the assailants are unknown, but they were wearing dark suits, and police are investigating the incident.

June 21, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  for  those
of  you  who missed  me last week,  I've 
gotta say,  this getting kidnapped thing 
is seriously getting old.

Folks,   I   am   a   newspaper   gossip 
columnist,  not an  evil  minion out  to 
destroy  the world of humankind.  If you 
think  I have money  worth  taking,  you 
should talk to my boss. 

No, the  police  don't  know  who it was 
yet.  Yes,  they're  working on it. Yes, 
I'm  mightily  peeved, and don't come in 
wearing  a  black  suit  and shiny black 
shoes  any time soon, or I may mace you.
The  knock-out   gas   tie-pin   was  an 
unexpected touch, and very James Bond of 
them.  I'd  rather  get  stepped on by a 
cow again, all things considered.

Enough with that!  On to the fun stuff.

I  hear Ben Utridge is going back to his
old playboy ways  down  there at the Red
Clover  Hotel.  Clandestine  engagements
with people my source says were hotties,
and last  week he  was  even  sporting a
great big hickey, too.  

I  wouldn't mind a hickey from something
other  than  a facemask at the hospital.
Any volunteers?

June 28, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  get to
explore the wide, wild world of Haruki's
underwear choices.

Somehow, I believe he had help with this
particular escapade, but I've had half a
dozen  reports from ladies all over town
that if even a quarter of those garments
are actually his,  they'd like to have a
nice,  very private, chat with him about
his brand choices.  And advice.

On  the  subject  of a different sort of
fireworks, we're coming up on the Fourth
of July here, folks, and the parade this
weekend is expected to bring in a lot of
out-of-towners.  Who  wouldn't  want  to
dunk  a  Mayor into a vat of strawberry,
clear and blue raspberry Jell-O cubes?

Sorry, Jack.  Count me in.  Dolores  has
had my $5 for two weeks now.

Anyone of  a mind for fireworks can find
a  nice perch by the cliff to watch Fort
Brunsett's  display out on the lake. Our
own is a little dinky in comparison, but
we're  a dinky little town.  The  Miller
boys have done us proud this past month,
getting  all the roads smoothed out,  so
kudos to them.  

There's  just   something  about  a  man 
without a shirt handling heavy machinery
to  get your  engine  revving...  Louise
MacFarlan  wouldn't  know anything about
that,  now, would she?  Cute skirt, Lou.
Maybe next time  keep it on a little bit
longer.  Granny Miller's going to have a
heart  attack before the wedding at this
rate.

Congratulations, by the way.

July 5, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  it is with
great  pleasure  that  I  heard a little
birdy say  Kip's not  done with his wild
and  questionably  romantic  shenanigans
just yet, engagement or no.  Someone saw
Mina  running  out  of  the back room in
teensy  tiny  shorts  (great gams, girl)
and  a tiny tank  top which looked slept
in.  

Kip,  I've got to ask: did she doggy-ear
a  page in  bed?  Is that why you kicked
her out?  Ladies around  town are saying
you've taken  this foxy ladies' man aura
to heart,  but  I  know  better  than to
trust that adorkably bumbling facade.

Your  secret  admirer,  however,  really
should get a new hobby.  Why, Mary Page,
poor dear, just bought a book on crochet
at Homepage,  and now she's cleaning off
all  forty-seven  copies  of  Kip's name
from where  it was painted on her house.
Laney Boggs,  her neighbor,  said it was
blood,  for sure,  but  I'd like to know
how she got close enough to check,  when
she can't  even handle a paper cut with-
out fainting. Really, Laney.

Charles du Bois knows a bit about faints
himself, after yesterday's parade.  Now,
I  know  it's a teacher's job to educate
his students,  but a real life lesson on
staying  hydrated  while marching in hot
wool  uniforms  was probably not high on
the curriculum's alternate lesson list.

Speaking of inappropriate clothing, I've
had  a few reports of a recently-arrived
African  fellow  dancing his way through
town  in  a  sundress  as  loud  as  his
rendition of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
this past week.  Prank or lost bet?  Meg
from the corner store says his legs were
something to be admired, however...

Also to be admired, and possibly feared,
I'm told some  sort of big cat was heard
roaring  down along  Lake Brunsett  this
past Monday. I haven't heard whether the
cat's  been found,  but I'd be wary of a
nice hike through the woods, myself.

Someone else has been growling,  lately,
and  it's  a  matter of some speculation
whether  Weaver Utridge jumped the broom
a mite too quickly.  Newly wed to Velvet
Danvers,  several  ladies have mentioned
that the man has been a miserable grouch
the last few days.  Trouble in paradise?

Those  Utridges  aren't  having a lot of
luck lately,  it seems, because a bit of
digging  here and there informed me that
none  other  than Olivia Utridge herself
held   an   impromptu  concert  at   the
children's  wing  of  Riverside Hospital
last month, and got pranked by a fire in
the stairwell.

I  haven't  heard  any tales of ravenous
fanboys  tearing  perpetrators limb from
limb yet over the internet, but I'm sure
the  fan  rage  is  just  waiting in the
wings.

July 12, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid is on vacation! I'm darn well not writing her column for her. You people know I'll forget half of it and tangle up the rest. Don't know how that woman keeps it straight. Mind like a gosh darned steel trap bred with Spiderman.

The Editor

July 19, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I   return
from a  much-deserved vacation to sandy,
sunny beaches and am back  to bring only
the  very  best gossip to you,  my rabid
readers.

Firstly,  I've  got  two  little birdies
saying miss Franklyn Garreau won the top
prize at  the  kite  flying competition,
beating out that incredibly enthusiastic
youngster. Wedgie's the name I was given
and   I  sincerely  doubt   that  is  an
accurate report,  so miss Wedgie, please
do  let  us  know.  Also,  take  a bath.
Cleanliness  is next to godliness, as my
sainted mother used to say.

I'm  told a local got bitten by, and I'm
not kidding here, this is what is on the
list:   a rabid raccoon,  a dog,  a blue
otter,  a flying rat,  or a lemur of all
things.  Serves  him  right,  trying  to
steal from stalls as he was. Also,  I've
got  to  find  out  what those reporters
were  smoking,  because  they sound like
they're  as  high  as Ms. Garreau has to
be,  walking  into rivers and dark woods
at all hours.  Again.

Illegal  fireworks  are safer,  kid.  Go
back  to your  kites and leave the river
to the river.

Speaking of issues,  we have some rather
nasty  rumours about  Ms. Olivia Utridge
floating  around,  but  nothing's   been
substantiated.  Glad  to hear she's been
found, though.  We darn well have enough
lost around here for my tastes already.

I sure wouldn't mind a good rabbit stew,
however,  and  don't  you get started on
me  for  liking  meat,  Haruki.  Being a
carnivore's no sin.  Supposedly, a great
big  fluffle of rabbits was seen running
around  like  some  weird flock of birds
down near the lake in Fort Brunsett, but
I've gotta say, the alpaca farm takes my
personal cake.  The eyes.  How  can  you
not melt?

Haven't heard the person's name, but I'm
told the 'pacas are all named after some
kind of dinosaur.

Benny and Hal  say they've been spotting
odd  little  things  carved around town,
speaking of weird.  I've  seen a few my-
self, and I don't know.. . The one I saw
looked  a little like some sort of wing-
less dragon.  This  the latest D&D craze
going through nerddom?

Not  so  sure about Jimmy Pepper and his
pigs, though. Jimmy runs Sweet Hog Farms
and let me tell you, his pigs are every-
thing he says they are.

In this case,  slaughtered,  and  not by
him...  As  I'm  told it,  he woke up in
the morning and went out to get the feed
going,  and found their throats slit and
blood drained.  Now, this being where we
are, I do have a calendar which mentions
a blood moon... Still,  you'd  think the
witches would at least leave cash to pay
for the lost pigs.

Last  but  not least,  I've had a source
share some photos with me,  and Kip, she
is a beauty.  A  little rough around the
edges,  but  darn,  boy,  for someone so
Kippish,  you sure do make a lot of lady
friends.  Who's  the  mystery  red-head,
too?  Short  and   stacked,  that's  for
sure.  These relatives  of your Mina? If
so, can you convince them to move here?

Your  admirer's  gone to work again,  so
you'd better work fast. What do you know
about a broad named Jessica? The way I'm
told it,  'Kip' has been painted several
times  along the Samsson building in the
same  bright  crimson  as before,  along
with a great honking heart in the middle
saying  'Kip x Jessica!!!'  in it.  If I
were you, I'd sic the fiancee on her.  I
sure wouldn't want  to get on Mina's bad
side.  You  know how strong those ballet
exercises make those legs?

July 26, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid's colleagues would like to say what a splendid woman she is. They also have no intention of writing her column for her while she is out sick.

Here. Have a picture of a kitten with a baby bunny.

The Writers

August 2, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid's colleagues have discovered a secret stash of actual coffee hidden in Enid's technically unlocked and colleague-accessible file cabinet behind the old floppy disks and CDs.

Thank you, Enid, for your generous contribution to office happiness.

The Writers

August 9, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid's colleagues would like you all to know that she is back from the hospital and recovering Enidly. The nurses and doctors may never be the same.

Neither will her colleagues' stomachs. How does she EAT all of that cinnamon?

The Writers

August 16, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

Enid's colleagues have pooled their resources and replaced the pilfered coffee and bonbons with more appropriate substitutes. They are sure Enid will appreciate their efforts at supporting her habits.

Everyone has addictions, Enid. Cinnamon is yours. We'll help you manage it. Just give us the chocolate part of the bonbon and you keep the middle.

The Writers

August 23, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I   return
again, albeit not from sandy beaches.  I
don't suggest surgery  as an alternative
to sunshine and cute boys in tiny suits,
folks.

On  the  bright side, a liquid diet does
wonders for  the waistline.  Pity bikini
season's almost over. 

Yes, I'm fine.  Yes, I am immensely dis-
appointed  that  my  colleagues couldn't
soldier on without me and get you all of
your  delectable  gossip  fixes on their
lonesome,  but  that just means I get to
have the fun myself.

Now, this is old news at this point, but
I'm  told  that  someone Kool-Aid manned
their  way into the  home  of Velvet and
Weaver Utridge  back at the beginning of
the month, and something something about
possible  acquisition  of lake monsters.
Is  Lake Brunsett trying to compete with
Champlain?  What'll  we  call it?  Champ
has a degree of charm to it, but Brun is
a bit too Viking, and Sett sounds like a
puppy or a desert god, depending.

Pity Brun/Sett wasn't around to help the
local authorities clean up the mess made
by  one Miss Franklyn Garreau back then,
too.  I'm  told  that someone  pulled up 
another sculpture instead of a fish just
this week.  Franklyn, girl, get help.  I
know your family can pay for the litter-
ing fines, but  that's  no  reason to go
dumping  all  that  crud into the river.
Thankfully,  not  even  you  can shove a 
piano out a window by willpower alone.

In more recent news, I'm told that Tommy
Haffleck  just got himself  into the big
leagues.  I didn't even know there was a
category for the longest  paper airplane
flight  flung  by  a  waterfall off of a
cliff of two hundred feet or more over a
body of water of 'significant size'...

Kudos, Tommy.  Now  that you're a record
holder, don't go resting on your laurels
and poop out on us, kid. Put this little
town back on the map. You should probab-
ly graduate high school first, though.

Last but not least for this week, I have
the  pleasure  of introducing you all to 
Erica Miller,  our  latest  staff photo-
grapher.  Recently returned from a phase
as  a  Boston  transplant,  she  is back
where she belongs: in the land of weirdo
hair  colors  supposed  to be unknown to
man or woman.  I'll be dye buddies,  but
don't expect to see me running with her.
I maintain a strictly horizontal version
of jogging.  It's  called typing in bed,
preferably with a cinnamon bonbon or two
nearby.

August 30, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls,  we've all
had  time  to  appreciate  the  rash  of
unseasonably warm weather lately.  Guess
I  get  to  bring  out that bikini after
all!

A  certain  polka-dotted  someone by the
riverbank should   have  thought   twice
about  bringing out HER bikini, however.
See,  little  teeny strings don't do all
that well  when  you're  jumping  off of
bridges  like  a  teenager into a river,
which,  you   know,   is  flowing  away.
Flowing  away  with  your bikini top AND
bottom, that is.  Mildred,  you  may  be
going on  seventy-mumble,  but you still
have a fine ass, wrinkles and all.

Speaking  of  fine asses,  mine is doing
quite well, thank you, and thank you all
for the gift baskets.  I've had to share
the largesse with the rest of the writer
collective  and  anyone  else who wanted 
chocolate  dipped  pineapples  on staff, 
for  which  they  thank you all as well,
and pray  that  I fall down a  nice long
flight of stairs.

Deity or deities,  if  you  are  reading
this,  please ignore those knuckleheads.
I've had  enough  hospital bills to last
a lifetime.

I would like to thank Haruki, Itsuki and
their    gang   of   propaganda-spouting
rabbits especially.  If you ever want to
read  material  about  the plight of the
New England cottontail rabbit,   I   now
have  stacks  of it,  along with my gift
basket.

In  less  amusing  news,  I'm sad to say
that Mrs. Mabel Miller,  grandmother and
force of nature,  has passed away at the
ripe  old  age of a hundred and two.  To
all  the  Miller family, my condolences.
She was a tough old bird and she will be
missed.

September 06, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls,   we   can
kiss goodbye to Summer, ladies and gents
and assorted others.  Really, we can.  I
do  appreciate  the lengths, and depths,
to   which   certain   members   of  our
community  are willing to go to cling to
its sunny warmth, however...

Where to begin?

Sally Hanwood seems a good start. If you
haven't  been down Mill Road in a while,
you  really should  take  a trip  toward
Salvation East.  Sally here says she was
stuck  in a Beatles rut,  and that's why
she planted, and yes, she counted it all
out individually and by hand, a field of
six thousand  eight-hundred twenty-seven
sunflowers.  Here  comes  the  sun?  How
about 'here comes the avian obesity'? If
I  were  you,  I'd  get  out there fast,
before we get a Hitchcock thriller going
on.

Little miss Miller sitting on the tiller
is our next Summer fling.  Literally.

Kira, next time you want to ride a horse
around  a  field,  we  recommend wearing
exactly  what  you did last  Tuesday.  I
haven't seen  Daley Biggs  laugh so hard
since he was my nephew's science teacher
and Andrew glued himself to the desk.

He  got  himself unglued,  but his pants
did not.

Yes, he paid for a new desk.

Third and finally, my personal favorite,
Mrs. Nelson has been whipping up a storm
of chocolate lollies at the church, tomb
stone  shaped,  to  celebrate the end of
Summer with a bit of calorie-laden doom.
They're  on sale by the  graveyard every
day this week.

September 13, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls, we seem to
have a mysterious squash-slicer in town.
Are zucchinis squashes?  Foamy vegetable
substitute for a good steak, but they do
fake it well.  In this case,  overnight,
we've had a rash of little hanged gourds
(maybe  zucchinis are gourds?)  dangling
in doorframes, windows, at bus stops, on
bathroom  counters and several locations
I  had never thought a vegetable of such
an unusual size could dangle.

The Mayor's asking the veggie-dangler to
keep  the  witchcraft to a minimum until
at least October, but we all know Jack's
a stick in the mud.

Dangle away, oh Zucchini Mangler!

Speaking of mangling things  and mystery
appearances,  what's up with the fish by
the river, folks?  I've heard rumors out
of four  separate reliable  sources that
they weren't drinking and really did see
fish torn up on the banks, bellies open,
but otherwise uneaten. I'd keep the kids
away from the river, folks, just in case
whatever  it is hasn't found what it was
looking for...

Last  but not least,  the White Witch of
Tamarack Falls  has the newspaper's full
support  while  she  recovers  from  the
Library   Incident  which   occurred  on
Friday afternoon. I've been asked by the
library staff to give her a public thank
you  for  all of her help in identifying
the  killer.  I've  been  asked  by  the
police,  however,  not  to say more than
that, so we'll leave it right there.

September 20, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls,  I am glad
to  say  that there have been no further
fish shenanigans.  Fish belong in rivers
or on my dinner plate, breaded and well-
cooked.

Sorry,  sushi-lovers.  I'll  admire your
snacks for the art involved, but nothing
is going to get me eating a raw fish.

Speculation over just who's going to win
the vote for this year's  Apple Queen is
everywhere, and hoo boy, the competition
is getting tight.

Mind,  the ballots are a secret,  so  of
course everyone knows who's on them.  My
personal  favorite  is  the pet goldfish
named Bob,  and  the  'Bobby for Apples'
campaign on the street corners...

The  lemonade they're selling isn't bad,
either.  Made  fresh,  with little fish-
shaped ice molds, even.  Kids these days
get it easy.  Back  in the dinosaur days
when  I was a kid,  we had ice in actual
cubes. 

My editor says it's my turn to give up a
few column inches,  so I'll see you next
week!

September 27, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls,  while I'm
sure you've already heard from the other
columns in the paper,  you haven't heard
it from me: we have our first male Apple
Queen  this  year,  and  it's none other
than  our local magician extraordinaire,
Haruki.  Congrats, kid.  I can't wait to
see which consort you pull out of a hat.

Several  young  ladies and their parents
have  expressed a  wish  that  a certain
butt-naked somebody would have had a hat
of his own, this past week,  down on the
dock  by  Lake Brunsett.  I didn't get a
name, but from what I've heard,  the guy
set his  own  crotch  on  fire  and  got
shoved off  of the dock.  That's version
number one.

Version  number  two  involves tentacles
better seen  in  a  hentai than a public
boating dock,  fireballs  better seen in
Dungeons & Dragons (and yes, Peter Qi, I
do  know  what that is; I'm not THAT old
and decrepit),  and  an attractive young
woman  weeping  over  his  manly  nudity
until the cops showed up to congratulate
him  on  his  victory over unnatural and
monstrous beasts.

Version number three  involves  saving a
little girl from a random attack by some
variation on an octopus,  a sting ray or
a seal,  depending on which source I was
talking  to,  but  the  single  unifying
event in all of the stories was this guy
getting  his pants burned off and almost
drowning in the lake.

Tourists may wimp out and leave the lake
early this year, but we've seen weirder,
haven't  we?  Not  to  make light of the
little   girl's   injuries,   which  are
supposedly   extensive   but  minor  and
expected  to heal with minimal scarring,
but if I were you,  I wouldn't worry too
much about seeing more of those critters
around.  I'm  sure  the experts from the
east bank will be taking care of it.

October 04, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls, I've got a 
hankering for pumpkin pies, but everyone
is  crazed  about  apples,  and for good
reason.  The  recipes  those contestants
were serving were mmmm mmm good, down to
the last bite.

I have no shame.  I took a lot of bites.

I  didn't get to take a bite out of that
handsome hunk of a Miller,  however, who
was working at the emergency station.  I
did get to see Susan Farrendahl flirting
up  a  storm with the man,  which  was a
real treat, let me tell you. If I were a
guy she had her sights on,  hoo-ey,  I'd
be drowning in that bounteous everything
in no time.  Fly, meet web.

Pity Mr. Miller is another spider.

Speaking of eight-legged friends, I hear
tell  the local elementary kids are fix-
ing to  decorate the schoolhouse and the
outside of  the church this year,  and a
certain spidery stuffed somebody will be
making a reappearance.  

Just keep Fido away from him, Mikey.  He
can only have de-paraplegia  surgery  so
many times before he gets a leg-popping-
off complex.

I've  heard  there's a girl around town,
no names given as yet, who claims Haruki
is a poser,  and not a real Apple Queen.
Sounds like someone wants a bake-off, to
me.

Win-win scenario for us, isn't it?

This time of year reminds me,  too, that
times are a-changing, and we'd best keep
up.  It's the dying of the year,  folks,
and you  know the hunts are coming soon.

Play it safe.  I know I will.

October 11, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls,  I hope we
have all learned  our  lesson as regards
opening  doors to strangers.  Also,  who
knew  BangBang  had such an entertaining
means of  discouraging robbers?  Really,
even  more than  that,  who would try to
rob  a hair salon?  Further,  who  would
try to rob a hair salon named 'Crops and
Bobbers'  right down the street from the
local police deputy?

Don't worry, folks.  Like Ashley said in
the  news  report,  everyone's fine, and
the perp's skin will be stained an array
of  interesting  colors  for  at least a
week or two.

On a lighter note,  I'd like to offer my
personal, and public, congratulations to
Mr. and Mrs. Hoffmann  for sticking with
each  other  up  until  this, their 75th
wedding anniversary.  Also,  when  I'm a
hundred and two,  I sure hope I have the
guts to take a hot air balloon ride over
the waterfall for MY anniversaries.

Speaking of the waterfall, I've heard a
few  reports  of  someone throwing bird
feathers  into  the  river.  There's no
sign  of actual birds being harmed, but
if  anyone knows the culprit behind it,
the wardens  would  like to have a word
with  them  about  clogging  the safety
nets under the bridges...

We're getting closer to Halloween,  and
I don't know about you, but I'd keep my
doors locked,  Kip, if I had an admirer
as  dedicated as you do.  Seems someone
left  cupcakes  for our local bookstore
sweetheart,  but  the  address  was two
numbers  off.  If anyone  else  sees  a
suspicious  package,  'Mindy x Kip' was
on  this one,  and  police  are looking
into  the  identity  of the thumb which
was attached  along  with  the  'Yours,
always' letter on the box.

October 18, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls,  we've all
had  a  chance  to say goodbye to Autumn
and hello  to old Jack Frost.  How about
that  snow,  folks?  Nothing's sticking,
but if  you haven't gotten  those Spring
tulips in the ground yet, you'd best get
crackin'.  The  hard  freezes are coming
soon.

The  town's  been drowning in apples for
weeks, but the pumpkin fields are mighty
strong competition, and I've got to say,
my house has never looked more orange. I
don't know if it's a lucky little faerie
in  the  fields  or a portent that we're
all going to  get snowed  in and  end up
with scurvy, but I'll take it.

Speaking of taking pumpkins...

I've been sponsored by Melissa Elliot of
the,   I quote,  "Tamarack Elliots,"  by
means of three  pumpkin  pies with extra
cinnamon  (for  which  the entire office
thanks you), to tell you all that if you
see  a  dark-haired man with insect eyes
looking out  at you from the reflections
on  the  insides  of  your windows,  you
should let her know, so she doesn't have
to feel like she is going crazy.

Liss, if you're going crazy, can you get
a copy of that pie recipe over to Ashley
in  the news room?  It would be a crying
shame  for  the  world to lose that pie,
and I, for one, am  going to have night-
mares about staring eyes for days.

If you haven't checked it out yet, John,
you and your Desrochers friends ought to
sign up for that race this weekend.  The
Spook-A-Thon  seems right up your alley.
I'm sure there will be giant spiders for
you to squeal at,  just  like  Linda May
swears you do any time you see one,  but
what do I know about revenge? I told you
I wouldn't forget.

I'm told some  out-of-towners  have gone
and  challenged everybody to a paintball
match as well.  They seem mighty  confi-
dent about their chances of winning.

October 25, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls,  we've got
a lot to say, so let's get saying it.  I
have some eye-witness reporting for you,
seen by  these very own peepers,  thanks
to  Mayor Jack  and his hideous  love of
healthy,  environmentally  conscious and
early-morning  activities.  Hiking  up a
mountain  when there's  barely  daylight
just  to clean up trash left by the kids
too foolish  to  tidy up the evidence of
their  own parties (looking at you, John
and Annette, and George, too)  is not my
idea of a peaceful interview.

Now, on to the eye-witness business.  We
saw  a  bunch of trees just torn down in
the  woods,  a  lot more than a few kids
could  manage on foot.  Didn't look like
bear sign,  and  there  wasn't  anything
that looked like power tools nearby,  so
be careful out  there if you're going on
a hike alone.

Next, it's not even November yet, but we
already have some Christmas card capers,
and some itchy, sneezy ones at that. The
folks who've gotten these cards say they
felt like  allergies,  but creepy,  too,
like they weren't the only person in the
driver's seat of their own bodies.  Now,
I don't know about you,  but when people
tell  ME to get into the holiday spirit,
I don't go out and try to get possessed.

A Cade Sextus,  I'm told,  has  had zero
takers  on  his  offers  to dye or paint
whatever metal he's brought. You'd think
a town like this would like some oddball
art.  Just think, we could all sport hub
caps as darling as Amanda Binks' Chevy.

Speaking  of  Binks,  I've been watching
some good old Halloween movie fun-a-thon
runs  on  TV lately,  to get myself into
the spooky spirit,  and Hocus Pocus must
be on somebody's list of favorites,  be-
cause  I  could swear it's been on twice
as  often as anything else.  Not  that I
mind.  Can't go  wrong with Bette Midler
putting  a  spell  on  you  in fake buck
teeth.

We  CAN  go wrong with a cornfield maze
when there's no corn... Steve's  always
been a little odd,  but  this takes the
cake even for him.  This month. Who can
say what he'll do in November?  See, he
has a maze, but he hasn't grown corn in
five years.  It's just high weeds.  I'm
told it's really something, but the kid
I talked to,  who gave me this scoop on
the  promise that  I wouldn't even hint
at their name,  clever person that they
were,  got pretty spooked: either Steve
really has  a faulty motor somewhere or
someone was out there with a chainsaw.

November 01, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls, have I got
a  scoop for you!  Tanya Mallory,  local
aficionado extraordinaire,  just gave me
a bowl of some of Dare's newest flavors,
and hoo boy, you've got to try these.  I
didn't  know  my tongue even knew how to
taste that many oddball things at once.

That said, Happy Halloween!  A  day late
is  better than never.  I'm not sure who
it was, but I've been hearing rumors all
around town that someone went around and
placed a bunch of stone cat carvings all
over  the place.  What'd they do,  cross
paths with a black one?  Propitiation on
that scale  seems  a bit excessive,  but
who am I to judge?

I've  heard  that  Nancy's boy was found
out in the woods a few days back,  after
being  missing  for  a week.  Just a few
scrapes and cuts, but please,  folks, be
careful about  those  woods.  Especially
the ones on the east bank.

On a much lighter note, it is my joy and
privilege  to bring you yet another Kip-
scapade  this  week.  Rumor  has it that
our  local  book-loving,  rainbow-haired
royalty left Crossroads in a hurry after
cozying   up   to  Mr.  Kip  Kensington,
followed moments  later by  the Kip him-
self!  Wonder what books THEY were going
off to love...

Don't  forget,  folks -- we've  had  our
First Snow celebrations, but we're still
keeping  an eye out for the start of the
Frozen Bread Guy on the first deep snow,
and  the forges at the town blacksmith's
workshop  are  getting a good,  thorough
cleaning in  prep  for  the  work he and
his assistants will be doing all through
December.

November 08, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in Tamarack Falls,  a  lot of
kids at the hospital have had some magic
even past the night of Halloween itself.
I'm told our bunny-crazy duo, Haruki and
Itsuki,  dressed  up  as a Pharaoh mummy
and,  get this,  an  Egyptian  god  with
bunny ears, spent time down at Riverside
Hospital  and  a few other charities and
care  facilities as volunteer entertain-
ment, doing magic tricks and, of course,
because  why  wouldn't  they have  them,
letting  folks   pet  certified  therapy
rabbits,  which I'm  told  were also  in
costume.

I don't know about you,  but I sure hope
they had a lot of bunny pooper scoopers.

I've  also  heard  tell  that Mr. Haruki
there has  been  a  very  studious Apple
Queen down at Patterson Middle School as
well,  having  a  contest  for  the best
apple-based  diorama.  Golden boy  Logan
Brenner  offered  prizes to the winners.
No parents allowed.

Thankfully, it's turkey season here, and
mmm mmm mmmmm I'm  looking  forward to a
good, hot roasted bird with all the fix-
ings.  Ann-Marie still won't give me her
gravy recipe, but as a little self-plug,
on top of what Amanda's already writing,
this  is  just a reminder that the paper
will be donating  the  proceeds  of this
week's publication to the local homeless
shelter down in Fort Brunsett,  so buy a
few!  Heck,  paper your walls with them,
or  twist  yourself  up a good newspaper
log on the altar of good gossip.  You've
all  got gossip altars in your home,  of
course.  Don't you?

On a heavier note,  I'm  sad to say that
rumors  of Old Man Jones were not in the
least exaggerated.  He died as he lived:
hurtling  through space as quickly as he
could, just waiting for a hard drop.  I,
for one,  will  miss  the old cuss.  The
things  he  used to tell me about little
miss  Bethesda  Miller  in  her  younger
years,  well,  they're too much even for
THIS  paper  to publish.  Rest in peace,
Jones.  I  hope  heaven's  got  a rocket
just for you

November 15, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  one of our
charming  young  men  has found out, the
hard way, that black ice is no joke. You
have my sympathies,  Jacob, and I hope a
broken coccyx doesn't slow you down.  My
bet's still on you for hockey later this
Winter!

We're getting more snow,  but the Frozen
Bread Guy committee says we aren't quite
ready for full freeze.  Too soon to bake
our delicious gentlemen,  but I'm told I
can expect  a  full run-down on when the
festival will start,  as soon as weather
behaves itself.

I  can't  believe  I'm saying this,  but
come on, Mother Nature.  Let it snow!

If we get a blizzard next week,  you can
all blame me.  I'll take the hate.

Speaking  of  hate, a little birdy tells
me that a certain young woman in a white
coat has been seen lurking  outside of a
certain  young man's  bedroom  window at
night,  reciting   poetry.   The  window
remains unmoved, but from all I've heard
of it, the poetry sounds good. Girl, you
should go and loiter outside Paul Gann's
place next. He could use a refresher, or
at least a bit of help,  because Mandy's
about  to stuff his quill pen  down  his
loving throat.

Last but not least, Haruki would like to
inform  the  world  that rabbits are the
bee's knees.

November 22, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
dilemma:  as you have all surely read in
the  news section of the paper,  SOMEone
has managed  to burn down a chunk of our
best bookstore owner's shop, Homepage.

Now, police reports aside, I'm told that
a  fair  number of ladies have been seen
going  in and out of the place in recent
days, and Mina  sure  hasn't  been happy
with her affianced.  Do  we have  a case
of jealous love on our hands, ladies and
gents?  Or  is  this really the fault of
a faulty appliance?

I have my own ideas.  What do YOU think?

Speaking of Mina, I've heard a few peeps
and chirps about a dance company down in
Boston.  Break a leg, girly. Crack those
nuts well.

With  this  being  published on good old
Thanksgiving  and all,  I'd like to list
the  things  I'm thankful for this year.
Only three of them,  since  Charlie  won
the office bet.

I'm  thankful  for  Mr. Roberts  and his
wife,  who  never fail to  give us some-
thing fun to  gossip over when they show
up in the latest version of cutting each
other's hair.  Lettie,  I  still say the
electric lemon banana curls beat out the
urchin spines.  At least  you could kiss
the guy without stabbing him!

I'm  thankful  for  Clarice,  for taking
over the  Crossroads Cafe when Hazel had
to leave us all.  The town needed a good
watering hole  to mingle the old and the
weird  in.  I, of course, am neither old
nor  weird,  despite  Tommy's  courteous
efforts to walk me across the street.

Last but not  least,  I'm thankful to be
alive.  Real talk, here.  The  world's a
messed up  place,  but  we're doing some
good.  I,  for  one,  intend  to keep on
doing it.

November 29, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we say good
bye to another old friend. Pepper Miller
was a good boy, and almost always did as
he was told. His owner, Fitch, paid me a
box of cinnamon candy purchased with his
own allowance to say so. Thank you, kid.
My dentist thanks you, too.  He loves it
when I eat too much sugar.

December's just a day away, folks, and a
noisy day, at that.  I was out along the
riverbank,  tromping  through  the snow,
and clangity-clang clang went the hammer
at the blacksmith's place.  He had a few
mighty fine assistants, too...

Pity they were all young enough to be my
sons.  Sons, Blair.  Not grandsons.  I'm
not THAT old.

Eye  candy  value aside,  if you haven't 
planned a day to stop in for your  iron,
there's  a  calendar at the town hall. I
hear a certain someone has been blocking
out  his  favorite days to chase  people 
down for the holiday choir  there,  too. 
Samuel W. Lees,  you  should know better 
than  to ask folks in THIS town to sing.
Remember '72?  I'm  going  to  pretend I
don't,   for   the   sake  of  remaining 
twenty-mumble.

A  local  author got a bit of a kick out
of sweet eyefuls himself, it seems. I've
been  given  a  peek at a book with some
very familiar characters  on  the cover,
and said  author  has a great admirer in
the one who  gave it  to  me.  To  para-
phrase her letter, in  her opinion,  the
man  must REALLY  care about getting the
investigation right for all that work!

December 06, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have our
selves a nice little mystery. I've heard
from  a few sources that a tall brunette
has been seen standing outside of folks'
homes,  who  skedaddles any time someone
takes  notice  of  her.  Anyone remember
setting out bait for Mothwoman?

On a lighter note, I hear tell there's a
party in the offing for the owner of the
paintball range, and from what the rumor
mill is telling me, booze will be in the
offing.  Tempting.  Very tempting.  I'm
told the man hosting the thing's a tasty
morsel his own self.  

Speaking of new folks, do you all recall
the Utridge crew earlier this year? Most
of them  seem to have departed for parts
unknown, but   my  sources  tell me miss
Olivia's  been seen  around.  Where  DID
they  all go?  Secret lab?  Hidden baby?
If  I  hear the answer, folks, you'll be
the first to know!

I  hear  there was a bit of a to-do down
at the mall  recently  with  some  Silly
String(tm) and shaving cream.  Best food
court entertainment in years. Sorry, Hal
just  can't  compete  with  Looney Tunes
style chase scenes  and  mall cops.  The
teens  responsible  may  not be quite as
entertained,  once they've finished with
the  community   service  the cops  have
given them as punishment...

Also at the mall,  while no one has been
able to peg who did it, we have a second
mystery  this week:  who  beheaded Santa
Claus?  An animatronic's rosy cheeks and
everything  attached  are  missing as of
this week.  I  don't know about you, but
I'm  awfully curious about just what the
culprit  plans  to  do  with a great big
bearded head in a hat.

December 13, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
little less than two weeks until Christ-
mas,  and  boy  howdy are the decorating
committees  a  hive  of  busy busy bees.

Why,  I  heard from Mabel just the other
day that several of  my sources had been
lying  to me about who sold them the new
greenery swags  they hung up on the Town
Hall.  What is the world coming to, when
there's a black market for balsam fir?

June could tell you,  but she's gone and
flown the coop.  

That's  right,  ladies and gents: my one
and  only  gossip  rival  has decided to
make the big  move down to balmy,  sunny
Honolulu   to   live   with  her  great-
grandson.

Junebug,  which  I  say  with  love  and 
because  you're going to be too far away
to smack me with your cane,  you will be
missed.  Sometimes.

Andy Johnson  sure  wishes the person(s)
responsible for vandalizing his hardware
store would start going missing. I heard
from  a friend of his cousin's that just
the other week, someone twice used spray
paint  all  along the back wall to write
who only  knows  what  language.  Do  we
have  an enterprising young  witch doing
spells in alleyways?  

He did say it smelled like smoke...

December 20, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone has
decided  on  being  a  Grinch  the  week
before Christmas,  and what a shame that
is.  Why,  one of my sources was walking
past Lost Treasures with her pooch,  and
tells  me  the poor toy shop was totally
trashed.  The  nice  policemen  wouldn't
accept my questions,  but anyone wanting
toys  from  the  store will just have to
wait until they get the door put back up
in a frame that isn't busted.

In happier news, as I'm sure you've read
earlier  in  the  paper, the parade this
weekend is expectd to go off without too
many hitches,  and as someone who's been
listening to the kiddos practice, let me
tell you, you don't want to miss it.  It
will be  an experience you won't forget.
Possibly it will do  permanent damage to
your retinas.  Bring sunglasses.

Speaking of sunglasses...

I  hear  tell  that  we have ourselves a
Mysterious Stranger in town,  who claims
to be a vampire,  walks  around  with an
umbrella  on  a  sunny  day, and pesters
waitresses beyond endurance. They do say
he's a good tipper,  however, even if it
doesn't  make  up for the rest.  What do
you think?  Cute  goth  or  supernatural
predator of the night?  If he's real,  I
totally  call  dibs  on being  his  Anne
Rice.

I  don't  know about you, but I'm loving
this heat wave, even if the Frozen Bread
Guy contest is getting pushed back again
until  it  stops  raining.  I'm thinking
I'll  skip  the  raisins  this year.  My
bread guys keep getting  eaten.  Totally
inedible  and rock solid is my goal this
year. Jan, try not to steal that one for
your Christmas bread this time around. I
already paid my dentist bills, and don't
want  to  go chipping a tooth on granite
masquerading  as  fruitbread.  Point  in
fact, let's make a night of it, and I'll
bring the booze to keep it loose!

December 27, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  hope we
all had an excellent Christmas, those of
us who celebrate it,  and  for all those
who don't,  I hope the season's treating
you well. Don't worry. Getting drunk off
your patoot on New Year's Eve is a fine,
perfectly   non-denominational  holiday.
You still have time.

Emily Watt, however, does not have time.
No, our little Emily is, I'm told, going
to be grounded for the rest of her life.
Em,  kiddo, you know it isn't safe to go
out at night on the river, especially at
this time of year.  

Miss Esmeralda Hinklepuff,  on the other
hand, is perfectly safe, behind thirteen
locks, twelve doors and a mysterious red
box.  

My question is this: why lock your dolly
up so  thoroughly?  Do you expect her to
come to life, rise up from her shelf and
settle  on  your  pillow to stare at you
while you sleep?  Smiling, staring... On
second thought, I know exactly why you'd
want to lock her up.

As  for  me,  the  only things I've been
locking up lately are my coffee and bon-
bons.   Henry,  nice  try  on  the  file
cabinet. Next time you want to pilfer my
coffee beans,  don't wear cologne if you
don't want me to guess you've been there
'borrowing'   my  delicious  caffeinated
gold.

January 3, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone has
been  a  very naughty boy.  I don't know
who  did it,  and neither do the cops if
sources are correct, but I hear tell the
New Year's Eve  parties  got mighty epic
out there on the mountain.  

Mind,  anyone within ten miles could see
as  much  themselves,  given the size of 
the   fire   they   built  up   there...  
Questionably lawful or  not,  whoever it 
was  left  not a shred of easy evidence.
Not  even  trash.  If  I  were  the fire
chief,  I've gotta say, that's  the kind
of  fire  threat I'd like to  see around
more often.   No  real  damage,  nothing
to  clean  up.   No  footprints, either,
which is the kicker.

Do we have ourselves some pyro ghosts?

Speaking of fire,  don't  forget to stop
by  the  town forge for your black iron,
if you  haven't  gotten  it  already.  I
got  myself  a little  birdy to  hang up
over my door,  and my, that little  peep
peep  peeper  hasn't  stopped  all week.
Let's see if I can fit this all in...

The police are supposedly  searching for
a large man who was running  through the
streets on New Year's Day, starkers,  to
question him  for several piles of feces
left  in public places.  I'm told he was
a mighty  hairy soul, except where every
one  wanted it.  Gotta say, I'm undecid-
ed, but  I can feel my editor developing
hives  at  the  thought  of  what else I 
might say on the subject.  I'll be good.

Two statues  are missing from outside of
the  Eastbank  Savings & Financial Group
down by  Patterson Bridge, with heaps of
glitter and  broken glass left in t heir
place.  Really?  Broken glass?  Come on,
people.  That's not safe.

A  drunk man at Alchemy swears,  up  and
down,  that  he saw an angel and a devil
sitting  down  to drink together with an
elf  and  a vampire.  I don't know about
you, but  I'd  like to know just what it
was  the man  was drinking.  I could use
a bit more excitement in my life.

Kidnappers,  that  is  not permission to
come back.

January 10, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are past
the  holiday  hump a nd into the holiday
slump,  at  least until Valentine's Day.
Boys, let  me  tell you,  chocolates get
old.  Never bon-bons,  but have you ever
tasted  those  stale things in the cheap
drug store boxes?  

No offense meant,  drug stores,  but the
chocolate really is awful.

Then again, maybe I'm just spoiled.

The latest gossip THIS week is all about
local  boy  turned skiing phenom, Justin
Thyme.  He's  back from his latest tour,
and hoo boy, does he make me feel like a
slug out on the cross-country trails.  A
few  of  the  local farmers,  Fry family
included, have opened up the fences on a
few   of  their  farther  pastures,  and
there's a good long loop out there close
to the foot of Mount Salvation West. I'd
steer  clear  of  the foothills, just in
case.  The temperature fluctuations have
been playing merry hob with the rocks up
there, and the rockfalls aren't anything
to trifle with.

Our   naked   Running   Man   has   been
identified,  but he has personally asked
me not to put his name in the paper.  He
also says that he was very,  very drunk,
and that he used to have a pirate outfit
on until the talking frog told him to go
and kiss the princess in the river.  I'm
told  the  princess is the one who asked
the man to strip to prove his love...

If  I  ever meet a princess and she asks
ME to chuck my clothes in a snowbank,  I
don't know about you, but my answer will
be a firm, resounding, "Are you CRAZY?"

I've  had  a  look-see down at the fancy
new  convention  center by the Patterson
Bridge, in other news,  and all I've got
to say is: wow.  Just, wow.  That is one
impressive building.  The owner took the
time  to  speak with me,  for which I am
grateful, and if you haven't seen his ad
elsewhere in the paper, you should check
it out.  Every room is different in that
place, and let me tell you, the kitchens
are to die for.