Tamarack Times Gossip Column
Tamarack Times Gossip Column
Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.
Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.
They can be found on +bbread 3, the Media board.
This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.
March 16 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all
learned the value of not trusting Jimmy
Miller when he says his dog is smart.
No smart dog would run in front of a
plow going full-tilt, but the vet says
the pup's going to recover just in time
for the Spring tourist season and
chasing muddy motorcycles.
What isn't going to recover? Maddy
Nichols' flower beds, seeing as Mr.
Miller ran that plow up over the curb.
Lopped the heads right off four of the
gnomes, too.
A newcomer got in a good brawl this
past weekend in front of Cyclone, too,
and that makes the sixth since the new
bar opened. Six fights in a month.
What does this mean for you, my readers?
Jack squat. The Mayor, I have it from a
reliable source, has no intention of
telling that nice young lady off.
March 23 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Spring has
sprung, and what it's sprung is a great
big leak. Word to the wise: don't let
your pipes freeze like a certain
somebody down on Main Street, or you get
what they got: a hefty bill and soggy
floors.
Keep those faucets dripping!
Speaking of dripping, now, I don't
usually go for the dark meat, but
there's a huge hunk of stranger around
town who's more than enough to warm my
oven. I'm minded to ask him over for a
cup of sugar, if Lou and BangBang don't
get to him first.
Seems there's been banging of a
different kind up on the mountain. Odd
noises in the mine, lights at night.
I'd keep my teenagers pent tight if I
had any. Never know what those kids
will go and get into.
March 30 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the town
had its first shooting in a long, long
while. All of you coffee addicts will
have to get your fix elsewhere, because
this columnist is told by a reliable
source that the Crossroads Cafe is going
to be closed until Friday morning. Hope
the owner's taking time to write up how
she wants that story told.
Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied
with my own little eye none other than
Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in
one mighty big hurry. Can't be
drinking, because we all know the Mayor
would never touch lip to bottle on the
job. Isn't that right, Suzanne?
I don't know about you, but I've heard
some mighty fine things about our Miller
boys this season for the roads, as much
snow as we've been getting, and I'm
giving them a shout-out for a job well
done. Now if only they could do it
without shirts... Hubba hubba. Rest
assured, if you boys ever want to do a
calendar for charity, the Enid Schmitt
Foundation will gladly accept your kind
donation.
April 06 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've seen
what happens when you drive a motor bike
into a river. We've also seen what
happens when your mother finds out about
it, haven't we, Jimmy?
Don't stop. You provide so many column
inches.
Got some delicious hints swirling around
town this week of a new baker on the
loose, but no one's owning up to leaving
cupcakes on doorsteps just yet, or what
exactly those sprinkles on top were made
of. Watch out, Martha. You could have
some competition.
Watch out for moose!
Heard tell one of the farmers west of
town had an antlered visitor attempting
to make nice with his Morgans the other
day. She wasn't having any, and that's
a damn shame, with a rack like that.
April 13 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is
busy busy busy, and so is the gossip!
With Easter only days away, you'd think
people would know better than to go egg-
tossing at police cars, wouldn't you,
Mikey? Once you're done hand washing
all of the squad cars, mind coming over
to do mine?
I've seen a lovely young lady out and
about a-wandering this week, but no
handsome young lad to accompany her on
the riverbank. Watch the east, now.
Things on that side get slippery.
The mystery cupcakes continue!
Who IS our secretive pastry chef? Lou
and Bang Bang say they're offering a
free hair cut to anyone who can identify
the source of their decadent delectables
this week.
April 27 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had
an exciting go of it, but if you don't
like tall, dark, mysterious strangers,
why do we care anyway? This man rolled
in on a bus at an ungodly hour, I tell
you, I've heard it from a reputable
source myself, wearing all black, and
talked with a few foreigners for hours.
Just who is this mystery man, and how
can I convince him to come over for MY
coffee? Hubba hubba.
Certain indiscretions were overheard,
I'm told, at the Crossroads Cafe. Now
I wasn't there myself, but in my humble
opinion, people with so many secrets
really ought to be better at keeping
them. Most folks aren't so pleased
about going to court, young man. Be
careful what you say.
Be careful what you eat, too, because by
golly these cupcakes just keep coming.
Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come
up and lie about baking them again.
I've tasted your cooking, and it's
enough to make a cat laugh!
May 04 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had
a delicious little peccadillo at the new
bookstore in town. I've had reliable
reports of more than one romantic
entanglement gone wrong, and, even
better, I hear tell a lady stormed out
altogether after a certain pint-sized
bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.
Hot sales at Homepage! Thefts, too. A
few books seem to be missing, but with
the owner such a hot item, I wouldn't
presume to wonder why...
Speaking of shopkeepers, someone ought
to set up a secret sale over at
Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got
some folks who can't keep their mouths
shut in public. There are better
places to chit-chat about local queens,
and if I'm hearing about it, how many
others are?
If you haven't been down to the Evelyn
Miller Memorial Gardens yet, do it,
because showers of white petals are
about as close to snowfall as I want to
think about right now. Is Winter over?
May 11 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the rising
temps have seen a corresponding rise in
idiots thinking the signs about rapid
currents are for amateurs. Really,
Megan, you didn't have to prove your
parents right BEFORE you left for
college. They always told you not to
date him. This is why. Go have a
coffee, meet a handsome god. Have a
fling you'll never forget.
Speaking of flinging with gods, trouble
in paradise? Forget what I said last
week about a secret-share. We just need
a full-time time-share with that cutey
Hazel on the Crossroads Cafe, Thom,
because she's giving us a spot with so
much material! And men. The men!
The screaming, the throwing, the drama,
la, c'est vraiment magnifique!
Last week's book owner gave us all
another stunning example of what NOT to
do in a relationship, and hoo boy, let
me tell you, kid, skirt-hopping after
popping your cherry with a girl is not
a way to make a friend. I could use
your name, but then, you already had
it shouted across the entire cafe.
There's such a thing as pity.
Have mine.
May 18 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have to
applaud the folks trying to hook me up
with Bigfoot. Don't get me wrong. I
like...big...men as much as the next
woman, but the hair? Would YOU want
that between your teeth? Nice try,
kiddos.
Speaking of big men, I hear tell that
Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.
Tough to get prettier than he is, and my
reliable source confirms that they went
quite out of their way to have a very,
very expensive bite to eat. Keep the
beauties here, folks! Someone go get
rich and build a fancy restaurant called
Something Blue. Pay me a nice juicy
commission and the IP's yours!
Sadly, not everyone is hooking up this
week. Sorry, Betsy. I told you, lemon
juice down under on date night, not a
good idea. What guy wants his girl to
show up with yellow unmentionables? Not
any I know, that's for sure. Heard tell
of an oddball breakup at Crossroads
Cafe, too. Who'd WRITE their breakup
lines and hand them to a guy instead of
SAYING them? Then again, given who it
was, staying quiet's an improvement.
Sorry, kid. Stop by the paper some time
for a bad coffee.
May 25 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, there was
quite the commotion over at our favorite
sap's book store. The way I hear it,
while the girl behind the counter tried
to hush it up with louder music,
customers report a woman shouting at
someone (three guesses who), and even
something shattering. Hoo boy, this
kid's a treat! Never leave. You make
my job a breeze, Kip.
Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?
Had a few muscled young farmers (hubba
hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying
around, no falconer in sight.
Mary Adams was mighty breezy, too, the
other day. What are you trying to do,
be Vermont's soggy Monroe? Who wears
white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?
Love the neon piglets on the
unmentionables.
Last but not least, catch it quick. I
hear they're power washing that horrible
wall lickety split to get it off.
Someone went and (spray)painted the city
red, some poem about sorrow and love
scribbled all over the side of a
building down by the corner of Rockdove
and Mack. Police are looking for the
artist to give them a talking to, and so
am I! I've got to know, how DID they
climb that wall? Do we have ourselves a
brand new Spiderman?
June 02 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had
a positive dearth (that's an SAT word,
Sally, but you wouldn't know that, on
account of skipping school to play with
Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from
the town's favorite bookstore owner.
Kip, you disappoint us.
News from Fort Brunsett says that local
Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity
like it's going out of style. The food
bank's sure to thank him, but where's
our cut? Hungry newspaper services need
to snack! I have a particular fondness
for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.
Those of you of a mind to go joining a
cult have got a new temple, I'm told.
Haven't visited myself, but reliable
sources say it's a hoot. Night club,
Fort Brunsett, keep your teens on
leashes, parents, because it sounds like
something right up their alley.
Last but not least, oh ho, not least by
far, we have a lovely contribution from
one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat. I hear
there was quite the handsome stud the
other day, took his clothes right off to
wash them all buck naked. A cowboy hat
over the fun bits really does ruin some
of the joy, but mister, whoever you are,
that grandmother says you can give her a
show whenever you like! Ladies, it's
time to break your washer and head to
the Laundromat because there's more than
suds perking up around there!
June 08 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we
had a record number of Web hits for SAT
words to stump me with. Try harder.
I have a few for you, my rabid readers:
* semaphore
* duress
* substantiate
They are all, one is certain, quite
appropriate words to use when describing
the delectable moaning at a certain
bookstore owner's table this week.
Surrounded by two women, no less.
In public. Kip, Kip, groupies already.
It sounds like one of those moaners is
prepping for a street fair, soon, and
wants me to get wet along with her. Far
be it from me to deny dunk tanks for
charity.
Hear that, Lou? That's the sound of a
good dye job spiraling down the drain,
and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.
June 15 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &
State" by a mystery admirer. Patron's a
little masculine, don't you think? I'll
put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm
up for titles, folks. Or Maven. That's
much better. What do YOU think?
The bonbons were delicious. Thank you!
Speaking of admirers, Tommy, you know
that little word Rebecah told you at the
farm? I hear you didn't. Also, keep a
better eye out for security cameras next
time you and the boys want to
'anonymously' egg my house, and at least
dye the shells first. White's so
ordinary, don't you think?
I hear tell the statue down on
Stagbridge got itself a golden surprise
of its own, not to mention any of the
cars driving past it. I think my tires
aspire toward pole-dancing, as much
glitter as they've got in their treads.
Gallons of gold glitter, I can see. The
gold top hat and suit? Sure hope they
don't want those back. I distinctly
recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.
June 22 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have the
inestimable joy of reporting that our
much-reported Kip is back in the paper:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!
Which of your girlfriends did you invite
to the party?
If you haven't checked out our local
Instagram princess, take a gander at
Franklyn Garreau. Then again, reliable
sources indicate she may be dating C.B.
Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?
I don't know about poaching, but setting
hearts on fire is one thing. Setting
hunks of fence on fire is something
altogether different, and the volunteer
firefighters are still looking for the
culprit on that one. Who needs a
bonfire in THIS weather?
No, Henrietta, despite best efforts to
the contrary, the burning smell down by
the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's
caboose. What sound DOES a frying pan
full of hot potatoes make against bare
skin?
June 29 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
we have a man down in the city who needs
to be disabused of his avian heredity. I
don't know what drugs he was on, but if
they can make a guy jump out of a tree
forty feet high, they've got to be some-
thing. Kids, don't do drugs. Hospital
bills are killers.
So are hunters, but it's not a hunter
bugging deer this time. Seems there was
a fight down at the The Union bar, not
unusual, Alexanders being Alexanders.
The hotties in blue didn't want it to
get out, but come, officers, how can we
resist? The deer was cheating, see. It
helped the other guy out, but in my
humble opinion, the deer's the real
victim here; it already died once. Let's
leave that buck alone.
Last but not least, this juicy tidbit
was witnessed by yours truly down at the
Crossroads Cafe just yesterday. Is our
favorite Kip being left behind? Mina, I
have to say, you look fabulous. Unlike
your choice in men.
Really, that hair?
Sid, darling, thank you for the flower.
Get a tailor. And a hairdresser. Don't
forget a barber.
July 06 2017
-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------
LETTER to the EDITOR
Dear Ms. Schmitt, reputations in public. Is this what
the area's populace consider
Since no one else will condemn your "entertainment"? Are you making a
travesty of a column, it falls upon living off the suffering of others?
me to do so. Then you need to stop and consider
what you're doing, not just what
In an area the size of the Fort generates more subscribers for your
Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column newspaper.
like yours can only sow strife and
discord. You're no doubt aware of the I will be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,
damage your column does, but you and I know I'm not the only one. We
continue thanks to "loyal" readership the people will not be silenced or
who likely slaver for whatever scraps intimidated by your petty, small-town
you deign to give them. small-mindedness. Remember that you
are a public figure, and public
You should be ashamed of yourself. I figures have a duty to do right by the
have personally witnessed or heard public.
tales of your column threatening
relationships, striking unnecessary Be seeing you,
terror into the hearts of the timid,
and causing people to fear for their Number Six
-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------
T A M A R A C K T I M E S trouble was looming overhead.
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Even Jack's. Don't listen to protests
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have otherwise.
the unalloyed joy of a threatening
letter to report, my rabid readers! It Second, I do have rather a lovely
slanders my reputation, which I am word affair with Kip, don't I? He is
perfectly capable of doing on my own, an exquisite example of the male
darling Six, and claims a conspiracy species. By drawing attention to the
of watchers -- just for me! pairings I do, I serve a social
purpose beyond my own pleasure,
I'm flattered. Truly. though I will be first to assure you
that writing about Kip is never dull.
Also, typewriters are fantastic, and
I would love to chat with you about Gossip brings people together.
the ink you used. I have an Olympia
myself, manual of course. There's Social rules these days aren't written
something so authentic about using in a book. We live them. By shining
equipment which will last a hundred the light of day on transgressions, I
years. show the community where it could use
a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,
Don't you agree? I make them laugh about it. We're a
small town in a great big world.
I do, however, disagree with you on
several points. Let us address them in Does the entire town need to know that
order, shall we? Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies
underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday
First, size has nothing to do with afternoon at church? Probably not,
the media's ability to influence the but the shame of it will keep the girl
public. It is our duty and our from doing it again, now, won't it,
privilege to report, faithfully, the Essie?
issues of the modern era. In my case,
this being an entertainment column, Does the entire town need to know that
yes, dear, revenues do indicate a I admired the hot new teller at the
significant value in my opinions, and hardware store? Probably not, but he
I have the personal gratitude of many should be a firefighter so I can get a
who would otherwise never have known calendar and think about my misspent
youth...
July 13 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
delighted by the show of support from my
loyal readers. Thank you for your
letters, ladies and gents.
As for Six... Surely you were joking.
Telling me to throw my darling
typewriter out a window is not the
commentary of a man who truly respects
his machines.
On better news, our beloved Kip has used
the kerfuffle to earn money for the
local library, for which I thank him,
and I only regret he wasn't there to
sell me my 'E' pin all by himself.
He did, however, give me my very own,
via Ms. Green, for which I thank him. I
always knew I was a Queen!
Speaking of queens, I hear tell one of
Kip's many ladies may be hitting the
stage again, and wouldn't that be a
treat? Break a leg, Mina! I forgive
your lapse in judgement.
For the rest of the Sixers out there, I
fully expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a
la West Side Story, down Main Street.
Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,
can't you? I know you will.
July 20 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a record number of fender benders, and I
can't say I blame them. 'Pretty Woman'
doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were
less happily married to my job, I might
be jealous at all the attention she's
been getting. Whoever she is.
Keep an eye out down by the riverbank.
Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want
any accidents.
In other news, it seems Cyclone is off
the hook for the latest public brawl,
folks. None other than our favorite Kip
was seen at Homepage Books duking it out
with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ
on whether it was over who was better in
the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.
Personally, seeing as there was shouting
and carrying on from at least two women,
one of which is the lovely Mina, the
other of which is an Angel, I'm leaning
toward the gentlemen brawling over hot
dates. Or their dates' honor...
I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl
for MY honor, that's for sure. What do
you say, folks? Feel up to fighting
the good fight?
July 27 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
very little gossip-worthy action. Such a
shame.
That said, Kip, you should go out and
talk to Emma about cows. I hear tell a
heifer had a thing or two to say about
a certain someone daydreaming instead of
paying attention to where she was going.
Crews are still working to clean up the
tree limbs brought down by that freak
thunderstorm earlier this week, so be
patient and be careful if you're
thinking about hiking up Salvation. If
you're thinking about hiking up
Mischance, take care, and watch out for
Adam Morrison. Young, black hair,
creative. His friends said he was last
seen near the mines during a LARP. The
Miller boys intend to do a grid search
of the area this weekend if he isn't
found.
August 17 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, at last I
return from two weeks in sunny, utterly
dull and boring Florida. Not a single
thing worthy of my talents, which says a
bit in and of itself. I'm with Green,
Frank. Arcadia's a bad idea.
I hear tell life around town got all the
excitement I missed! Riot #1, exploding
ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague
Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight
and local DJ for WFBR, has been sharing
that British charm with anyone who asks.
Lie back and think of England, indeed.
A little birdy with much better pitch
than a certain laundromat owner tweeted
about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,
last Friday, if by good you mean a rip-
roaring riot over local-author-on-the-
lam C.B. Alexander, poetry and, oddly,
the rights of vegetables. Exploding
lights, this time, instead of ice cream
tubs, but this reporter wonders.
Last but not least, hometown hopeful
Cameron Lefevre has returned from his
failure at acquiring success and musical
obscurity. Don't worry, Cam. We're all
family here. No one will ever forget,
but we laugh because we care. Also
because it was hilarious schadenfreude,
but that's beside the point.
Welcome home. Bring an extra string to
your show in the park next week, kiddo.
August 24 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we say a
fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,
long-term member of the community, and
I, for one, will miss his sermons on the
souls of fruitcakes. Remember, it's all
in the nuts.
What a surprise to hear about Mr. C.B.
'Copfire' Alexander being nuts himself.
Takes one to know one, right? Bet his
book sales are going through the roof.
Kudos, kid. Pity it wasn't just a pub-
licity stunt. Or was it?
Get this, too. At a reader's request, I
sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They
just sent their response: not just a
letter, but an actual FORM letter from
Sai Joshi, he of the incomparable
eyelashes, stating that while he is
aware they are abnormally long, they are
quite natural.
A form letter.
This begs the question: how many people
ask about his eyelashes? Has he ever
thought about trimming them? Cosmetic
eyelash buzzing could become a whole
new trend.
August 31 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not
much from our own back yard. Let's get
started on a high note: passers-by near
Majesty Records the other morning saw a
certain bookstore owner and radio Queen
'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully
cozy. Is this why his coffee mug at
Homepage clearly showed lip prints in
her shade of lipstick? What does Paige
have to say about this, and how many
pieces will he be in when she's done?
Speaking of tumultuous romances, the up
and downs with Franklyn are enough to
make me dizzy. Personally, I'd like to
know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire
when he got discharged from the hospital
the other day. What angle does she have
on the guy? Is getting a play out of
him that important?
Heard tell there was a lady going into
Cat-22 covered in blood, which doesn't
bode well for C.B. staying out of jail,
now, does it? Same person who started
the riot, I'm told, but my sources
didn't give me any names. Don't worry.
I'll keep digging. So will the police,
if what was in her bag was really as
suspicious as it seemed...
Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard
diner. I don't know about you, but that
Last Chance place is going to need some
out of this world delicious meals or
have some pretty fancy gimmicks to get
me in there to try '90s mystery meat.
September 07 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a dearth of fiery gossip. So sad. I am
disappointed in you all.
So is this guinea pig I heard of down at
our local Instagram princess' theatre
sleepover party. There are a few rumors
floating around as to his identity, but
none conclusive. The great guinea pig
remains a mystery. Superheroes used to
be a bit more impressive...
On the bright side, the slumber party
was a success, though I've heard several
reports of horrific nightmares since.
Just what was in the water?
Even better, our favorite CB is in the
news again. Seems there was a gas leak
down in Fort Brunsett at Her Majesty's
record store, with 'gnarly' (who uses
that word?) graphic gushing nosebleeds
and foul smells. Does CB just like the
sight of blood? He's been in two riots
that I'm aware of, he firebombed a
police station, and now this. Mr.
Alexander, Tamarack Falls would like to
know.
Are you a vampire?
September 14 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at
last, another rumor about our favorite
bookstore owner. I have it on good
authority that he was seen walking out
of a local bar with a lovely redhead on
his arm. Bill's Bar, to be precise.
If anyone's keeping track of the women
in his life, let me know, because at
this point I've lost count!
Adorkable is in, ladies. Catch him if
you can.
Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob
quarterback Simon Desrochers may or may
not have been invited to try out for a
certain very famous football team which
surely none of us will guess. You go,
boy! Won't convince Suzie you weren't
necking with Annette in the back seat on
the way out to practice, though.
I've been practicing a bit, myself. The
fine art of writing sonnets, however,
still eludes me.
Try this one on for size:
The buds of Summer bloom, and die, and
fade.
What hope has he to warm us Winter long?
He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but
staid.
His heart is caught in his own lonely
song.
The mountains sigh and shiver in the
cold,
With icy winds no mortal may resist.
Ignoring Autumn's stories, he grows
bold.
He questions, begs and threatens to
persist.
How then shall we treat a heart so
sure?
So certain, firm and faithful to his
truth?
It trembles, quakes and quivers to
immure
The friendly public's foibles as
uncouth.
It does him little good to hold aloof.
For me, I only hope we're fireproof.
--
Woo me with poetry, not with abuse, my
darling Alexander. Until we meet again.
September 21 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not
currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-
der threw a bit of biological warfare
in through my living room window. It
was a good window, too.
More importantly, you left your finger
prints all over it, kid. Already talked
to the deputy. Your parents have been
informed. Please don't do that again. I
won't mention it if you don't.
Now, my columns will be written a bit
more slowly until this arm heals, but I
do apologize for missing last week's
deadline. Cows wait for no man. Or me.
Obviously. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, ask Green. Shh. She
doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'
Now down to business. I've heard tell
that our local tea witch Avalon has been
making a lot of trips down to the river
lately. Point in fact, I've got three
separate eye witnesses attesting that
she's wandered on home soaked to the
bone three times in the past few weeks
alone.
Lonnie, are you trying to catch your
death?
It doesn't run fast. Definitely not as
fast as the Tam. Slower than Kip, too,
once word gets out. Just what WAS he
doing in that lingerie store, anyway?
Shopkeepers said he was in the male
section for half an hour, but wouldn't
tell my sources what he bought. More's
the pity.
September 28 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I learned
that I am getting old. A nice young man
from out of town insisted on helping me
walk across the street. Hopefully he
gets his Boy Scouts merit badge for it.
Thanks for making 40 feel like 80, kid.
I hope I meet a boy like you when I'm
really aged and decrepit.
Speaking of kids, I heard through the
grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused
some local drama at a children's birth-
day party. Sounds like a kid started
using pepper spray on the clown and
quoting some very inappropriate language
which I won't repeat in print. A local
Japanese magician's said to have stepped
in to take over, so kudos on not getting
Maced.
Violence is otherwise the theme de la
semaine. Got some very confused cows
thanks to the tippers out in the west
valley, more broken windows (thanks,
Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges
heading toward eastbank. Joy, Wendell,
you should know better. You should also
be more careful about setting lookouts
to warn you that someone's sitting there
having a morning coffee while you paint.
On a brighter note, I hear tell Candace
Malbury and Richard Miller were having
a grand old time while prepping for the
town's harvest fair yesterday...
I never knew you could do so much with a
single ear of corn. Never wanted to,
either. You may have scarred me for
life, but what do I know? I'm an old
lady who needs help crossing a street.
October 05 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK
in the limelight, people. I have not
one, not two, but THREE separate sources
citing fascinating little tidbits about
our favourite lady-charmer.
Charming to us, perhaps.
I hear tell that he left Cyclone in a
nasty mood the other night. Lovers'
quarrel? Why pay for beer when Paige
would give it to him free?
Maybe she's just jealous of his success,
assuming he really IS the secret author
of the Haris brother books. Rumor is,
the author is a local. Kip, are you
Nathalia Daring? You're concealing your
secret passion for C.B. Alexander,
according to a number of sources, and
you do seem to have a large number of
these delightfully torrid novels in your
stock. Tell all!
Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage
Books sure has a doozy. A brown paper
package addressed to the bookshop was
accidentally left at the real estate
agency on South Main and Mill, and
hoo boy, those girls got a surprise! No
brochures, but there was definitely a
ball-gag, an eight foot long bullwhip
with a mighty interesting handle, and a
single copy of '212 Step Guide to the
Art of Masculine Domination' signed by
the author with the personalisation of:
"You can do it, buddy!". Apparently the
girls at the estate agency just didn't
know what to do. Maybe they were scared
the proprietor next door would love
their neighbour as they love themselves.
Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither
Nancy Drew nor Jessica Fletcher, but I
do appreciate the intimation that 40 is
still below the aged and decrepit line.
You're welcome to help me across the
street any day, handsome.
October 12 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
few relationship squabbles and a few odd
events, but let's get to the juicy stuff
first.
Number One: Jason Weatherby, don't you
know by now not to go slicking your wick
in places it shouldn't go?
Number Two: Anita and Josephine aren't
your type, George. Trust me. The words
I have refrained from printing about
you on account of your papa being nice
to me in high school...
Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy
little fox. I didn't know you had it in
you. You go girl!
Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all
get to play at being fair maidens (well,
some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah
darling) soon. I heard tell that const-
ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is
going to be a perpetual jousting tourney
and such. Costumes and riding lessons,
sword fighting, and possibly a polar
bear, though I personally suspect my
source had had a bit too much of the
aqua vitae.
Have to wonder if our local Instagram
princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit too
much to drink, herself. I've heard from
six sources, now, that she was seen down
in our favourite Alexander's Cat-22,
barely dressed, laughing and humming and
writing who knows what down. Whatever it
was, we'll never know, too, because I'm
told a fellow (fella? sources couldn't
decide) named Teagan took a bat to the
table, then shredded it all.
Franky, Franky. What are you doing?
You're supposed to date that charmer
Amanda, not give C.B. more reasons to
give our fine officers hot feet.
It does seem Green's got herself at
least one admirer, even if it isn't you.
Heard tell there was a fine Japanese
gentleman wandering around drugged to
the gills and rambling love poems.
Then again, the way this town is going,
maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,
do tell. Do you like your men all soft
and mumbly?
October 19 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we don't
need our jackets much; it's summer all
over again. Whichever of you's whisper
ing sweet nothings into Autumn's ears, I
hope you can explain yourself to the
forsythia. It's not even close to being
Spring, and my poor, confused bushes are
trying their utmost to bloom.
Emily's blooming too, I hear. Kudos,
kiddo. Congratulations on the scholar
ship.
Kudos to a stranger named Ziv as well,
and I'm sure Crumpet would thank her if
a dog could talk. I've heard a few
folks chitter-chattering away about her
heroic stormdrain pup rescue services.
Now, if only somebody could rescue our
darling Bill's head. The Scouts tried
to honor the guy by hanging up a sign
above the doorway to the bar, but some
kid obviously hasn't done his carpentry
merit badge yet, on account of how the
nails weren't really holding that thing
to the wall...
Don't worry. It's a mild oak-induced
concussion. He's cussing alright, and
fit to spit nails. Not literally. They
didn't hit his mouth. Bet he'd look
fantastic with a nose piercing to go on
through the new holes there, though.
October 26 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get the
delightful chance to marvel at human
stupidity. Harold Lehrman, did I tell
you or did I not that you'd regret that
chainsaw you left on your floor? Thank
me later for getting your name in the
paper.
Amanda Green, you shameless minx. Don't
you think I won't repeat that you did
your entire show in dishabille. Beyond
it, even. Stealing hearts with a pretty
voice and a lovely...smile.
We've got ourselves a vorpal playing
card, too, and this author wonders about
the timing of the King of Hearts, given
poor Kip's freshly single status. I got
it from Crossroads Cafe, my very own
self, from his very own lips.
Surely we can't blame him, then, for
being seen the other night leaving with
not one, but two unknown ladies, all of
them drunk as a skunk. He says he was
going back to a hotel with them, but for
what, I wonder?
This isn't the first time I've heard of
Kip going off with someone, either. Why,
just in the last few weeks, I hear tell
he and C.B. Alexander drove off alone
to do 'something' together. C.B. went
off with our local Instagram Princess
Franklyn Garreau, too.
Busy, busy, Mr. Alexander.
Point in fact, I hear tell you picked a
fight down in Riverside and went out to
the east bank dressed like some kind of
tie-dyed female royalty. Is the pressure
too much? When's your next book due to
be published? If you need some help
with relaxation techniques, talk to Anne
Harlin. The Reverend says SHE can sleep
just about anywhere...
November 2 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Rebecca has
asked me to clarify that she is a minxy
BIG fox, in search of a BIG man, if you
know what she means.
Don't I wish I did.
Saw a couple of hikers the other day
heading up Mischance with, I kid you
not, ten dogs. Ten. I counted three
times. What were they planning to do?
Wait until it snowed and run a Tamarack
Iditarod?
I don't know about you, but I have a
hard enough time keeping a house plant
alive, much less (almost) a dozen dogs.
Kudos, strangers. Emphasis on strange.
Speaking of strange, have you seen that
glittery purple balloon lately? Watch
out, mystery pilot. The winds over the
waterfall can be tricky. My youthful
admirers may not believe it of me, but
I was once a ballooning champ for
three years running, until I took this
arrow in the knee.
On a more heartwarming note (or not, if
you're a Scrooge like George), a group
of newcomers went out and visited folks
at Riverside Hospital this past Tuesday
for Halloween.
No police were called, so it's safe to
say that whatever else they did, they
didn't scare children to death.
Seriously, that was a really good deed,
folks. Keep it up.
You too, big mystery man.
November 9 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
fair number of nippy days, haven't we? I
would be minded to cuddle up beside my
fire with a good book and not come out
until Spring thaw, but how could I poss-
ibly miss gems like Eddie Mayer trying
out his rollerskates down Main Street?
Note, I did say trying, not succeeding.
On the bright side, at least he didn't
bleed all over EVERY pole in town...
Speaking of bleeding, have you seen that
new body mod shop down in the city? I
hear tell none other than Winny Wilson
opened the place up, complete with pig.
I hadn't heard of him, scars not being
my specialty, but a Johnny Drexel seems
to be sporting his own artwork something
fierce.
Don't know about you, but I'm going to
avoid bleeding for art.
Bleeding for gossip, now, that I will do
with pleasure. I got a dreadful paper
cut when I heard that the Treasurer of
Fort Brunsett, Molly Crowley-Utridge,
was decidedly unwidowly at a dinner with
a very nicely dressed Native fellow. My
sources say the man was one Malaki Gray-
wolf. Is Molly looking to add a second
hyphenation to her mouthful of a name?
I don't even want to think about the
mouthfuls Ms. Mina Grey has been having.
Ballerina food is rabbit food, and I
heard from a little birdy that our dance
teacher, or someone who looks a lot like
her, was seen in social media marketing
for the Slutcracker in Somerville, MA.
Mina, Mina, Mina. We all know dating Mr.
Alexander is enough to drive you to
drink, but come on, girl. Do you really
want to give him more reasons to set the
world on fire?
November 16 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
request from one Haruki for a shout-out
about his brother Itsuki's birthday. How
can I refuse, when it comes with such
charming good wishes about my lack of
disappearance?
Don't worry, kid. I went on a Tuesday.
In other news, I have learned that First
Snow holly sprigs make exceptionally
poor seat cushions. If you have never
had spiny leaves jabbing into your bony
patoot, I highly recommend that you
avoid the experience.
Yes, I went and picked another sprig...
Eddie Mayer has asked me to correct my
previous column. My apologies, Eddie.
You were landing on your tush at the
corner of Main Street and Mill, not
just Main Street. Thank you for the
tip!
Have you seen the prep for the parade
this weekend? Got the streamers up and
turkeys everywhere. Gotta wonder what
aliens would think of it, if they saw
it. Are we cultists celebrating our
(delicious) gobbly god?
What's YOUR favorite Thanksgiving food?
Mine's got to be the mashed potatoes.
Get some cream in while you mash, some
butter, salt... Mmmmm. Add in a splash
of gravy, and you're golden.
So are the wallets of the emergency
services after fixing your food-induced
heart attack, but possible death is
nothing when compared with a good mash.
November 23 2017
No column! Thanksgiving.
November 30 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
good vacation from reality, thanks to
Thanksgiving (sorry, folks, calories do
still count on holidays; my scale won't
lie), but family time makes for GREAT
gossip.
Let's get started!
Jack, Jack, you know you don't do well
with wine. The maudlin song prize goes
to you, for certain sure. Next time, I
want a recorder with me. That stuff
would sell!
The exploding turkey prize has got to go
to Betsy Mayer. Bets, this is the third
year in a row. How do you even DO that?
Jacob Hennessey gets the 'Belongs in One
of the Final Destination Movies' prize,
because I didn't even know something
like this could happen without cinematic
magic to help it along. From what I
heard, it went something like this: a
kid tripped over a chicken, which flew
into his mama's patoot, which made her
jerk her arm up from the meat she was
butchering, and because her hand was wet
the knife slipped up and cut the cord
holding the oil lamp the kid's older sis
had hung up there for extra light, which
fell and broke and spilled burning oil
every which way, which set mama's pants
on fire, which sent mama running out to
start stripping in the barnyard with the
chickens, which prompted Jacob's sudden
coronary and subsequent helicopter ride
to Riverside Hospital.
Now THAT is an evening.
Don't worry, Jake's fine. Suzette's all
right too, and the chicken made a good
supper.
In less flammable news, I hear tell that
Aspire place down in Fort Brunsett may
be getting a new owner. Reliable sources
inform me that Johnny Drexel has been
seen puttering around the lobby through
the windows. Does he need that much new
space to cut holes in people?
Time will tell. Also lawyers. Lawyers
are really good to have when slicing
people up. I, for one, plan to stay far
away.
December 7 2017
No column!
December 14 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get a
great big thank you to whichever witch
up and decided to curse me last week.
Mr. Alexander, I may be hiring you to
set a fire.
If any of you have never felt the lovely
after-effects of a concussion, I most
heartily commend you for your choices in
life and wish I could go back to join
your club.
Let's see, now. Last week, I got a note
from a certain Japanese magician that it
was C.B. Alexander's birthday, who asks
that I send him a birthday message to,
I quote, cheer him up.
Haruki, kid, you're sweet. If he wants
free advertising for his book, he should
scream at me some more and post a letter
to the editor. That's always fun.
How's your holiday planning going? I
hear tell Mayor Jack has had a few unex-
pected visitors lately. Lost relations?
Do tell, Mayor!
Nancy Thackeray sure lost something this
weekend, and she won't be getting it
back for at least another eighteen years
by my reckoning. Congratulations, mama.
Hope you don't mind sleep loss. It just
gets worse the more you have, I'm told.
This, my readers, is why I am, and plan
to remain, single. Menopause can't come
soon enough.
Speaking of marriage and children, our
very own Amanda Green has had a few tid-
bits floating around about a big to-do
wedding of her own. Who's the lucky
partner?
December 21 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the smith's
a busy busy bee out there. The New Year
Nail-Up is in good swing, and clang, and
clank...
I heard tell he got a record number of
assistants this year. I wonder why.
I also wonder why his latest assistant
and Kip don't team up to woo the ladies,
because hoo boy, Mr. Robin Collier has
an accent fit to make a fiddle dance.
Don't even get me started on his eyes.
That shade of blue should be illegal.
Of course, he smokes, and he looks like
he probably hasn't seen the sun since he
was twelve, but those are manageable
faults.
What do you say, Mr. Collier? Are you
up for being managed? The ladies'
knitting circle would like to know!
We'd like to know about ghost cars,
too, seeing as it seems we've got at
least one of those buggers around. A few
folks have asked about a crash down by
Snake Creek, but when yours truly went
down to investigate, there was no trace
of it.
Maybe Father Christmas had a sleigh boo
boo on one of his practice runs. Keep
eyes out, kids. Hoofprints on your head
aren't the sort of gift you want this
weekend.
Really, you don't. Take it from a
little old lady who got stomped on by a
cow.
December 28 2017
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we had our-
selves a break-in at a local grocery
store, folks. Right here in town, too.
What do people think this is? More to
the point, what on earth were they out
to steal?
Do they think we have any money?
I hear tell the authorities found a guy
trapped under a row of fallen shelves,
with two others trying to get him free.
Speaking of free, if you've got any
books for children, stop on in at Kip's
love nest, Homepage. He's collecting a
donation for the schools in the area, as
I well know. I gave him a lovely copy of
See Spot Run.
Run, Kip. Just run. You don't want to
be surrounded by the hordes of adoring
fangirls who will try to get into your
life once they find out you're dating a
professional Slutcracker.
That's right. You heard me. Mina, who
could be anything in the world, chose
to dance in the Slutcracker, and hooey,
she looks darned good in black. You're
one fine dominatrix, girl. Look online,
folks, and you'll see plenty of pics of
her as 'The Russian'...and of Mina with
Kip, arms full of flowers...
Where are the pics of their tattoos, I
wonder? Sources say they were spotted
outside of a tattoo parlor in Boston.
Together.
Tell me. Do we have more matrimony in
our future, or is this a desperate
attempt to drum up business for a
failing bookstore? Kip, darling, rabid
readers want to know. How DO you do it?
With leather, it seems. Why, Trudy was
walking into Homepage just the other
day when she overheard this hunk of a
prince talking to some girl with too
much hair dye about not being her
lovely toy...
First the lingerie parlor, then the
ball gag and the multi-purpose
bullwhip, and now a girlfriend in the
Slutcracker with BDSM on your counter?
Kip, Kip, Kip.
Welcome home, kid. Never leave. You
make my job too easy.
January 4 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is mak-
ing up for lost time, isn't he? I heard
a little birdy say that one of the two
female employees at Homepage marched on
into the store to start her shift,
hustled all the post-lunch shoppers out,
and flipped the sign to 'Closed' for a
'private' 'conversation' with Kip.
Now, lest your thoughts travel down the
same paths mine did, let me assure you
that it does, indeed, get better than
that.
Cerise, for it was she who accosted our
darling Kip, is said to have spent quite
a while having a rather 'intense' dis-
cussion with the store owner. Is it a
coincidence that witnesses say he was
spotted putting his shirt back on after
the Incident?
Now, Sally-Mae says he even tried to hug
her afterward.
Mina, dear, we all thought you and Kip
were so happy. Is there trouble in
Slutcracker paradise?
Did he use the whip in the wrong place?
At least the skiers are happy. We've got
a good 48" of powder on those slopes,
and more snow to come. Careful not to
introduce your noggin to cow fences,
folks. Wind's been blowing hard, and
they're as white as anything. Cross-
country's not as safe as it could be...
Last but not least, we've got some
mysterious geese on the loose. Anyone
lose a goose?
Or seven?
I'm told the flock has been chasing kids
off of sidewalks into snowbanks, and
stealing mittens, though what use a
goose has for a mitten is beyond me.
January 11 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we had yet
another day of Homepage Books showing a
great big CLOSED sign to the world.
Kip, darling, I know the attention is a
lot. We only want to love you. Or we
want to delight ourselves with a honking
big dose of schadenfreude and be glad we
aren't the ones with multiple girlfriend
collisions in the hallway.
How DO you manage those, anyway? Doesn't
seem to be working out for you too well.
Speaking of not working out well, what
else doesn't work? Ice skating on snow.
Katie, let us know when that broken
ankle heals. I'll get the editor to
take you out for an ice cream and tell
you all about his own.
The slopes of Mount Salvation have been
pretty busy lately, and not for their
value as a place to play on snow. Folks
say, and I can attest myself, that there
have been odd prints and circles, and
sometimes lights at night, dancing.
Have we got ourselves a new coven of
witches, or is snow circling the latest
version of crop circling? Maybe the
aliens have gone native Vermonter. If
so, I've got some Cabot cheese and Ben
& Jerry's with their names on it.
Assuming, that is, that they have names.
Gossip columnist starts interstellar war
by making erroneous assumptions. See the
full report at seven!
January 18 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
that Daniel Dross lost his marbles over
at The Seventh House. Word is, he asked
some poor crippled young woman over for
breakfast, gentlemanly-like, only to
take a drawing she did, storm around the
cafe, shred the thing and throw it in
the fire.
Now, shame on him, but what I want to
know is this: what was on that drawing?
Linda, if it was anything like yours, I
retract that statement. No one should
have to see that.
Sources say he dragged her right out of
the shop, didn't even let her finish
her tea, or her bread and honey. Tsk.
You know, she bore a striking
resemblance to a certain family of
Millers 'round about these parts...
Continuing this week's theme of ladies
with bad luck, my sources tell me one of
the restaurants down in the Singers'
Circle is being investigated, just in
case, for food and safety concerns after
a blind date gone wrong. Witnesses say
the guy was looking bored, when the girl
suddenly went insane, claiming she could
see bugs in her food, all over her skin,
and skedaddled.
Kids, this is why you don't do drugs
before you date.
Third in our trifecta of female disaster
flicks, I hear our instagram princess
Franky Garreau may be on the outs with
Kip's latest love interest. Cerise,
Cerise, are you moving in on Franky's
man? Really, C. B. Alexander shouldn't
be your kind of 'hot' -- not unless you
like napalm.
Men, watch out. Next week it could be
you.
January 25 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
bologna on the loose.
Yes, you read that correctly: a bologna.
Three folks have come up to me to ask if
I've heard about it, and one of them was
pretty certain the stink was coming from
the town hall...
But enough about that.
Let's hear some juicy news. Amanda Bale
and Erzsebet Angle have been steaming up
the dance floor down at the high school,
and hoo boy, those girls can tango. Who
says you need a man, right ladies? Come
chat some time. I know some folks who
run the local competitions.
Also, in spite of injuries to the
contrary, I spied with my little black
eye a certain Mayor hobbling around on
the mill pond. What's the problem,
Jack? Even I can skate better than that.
You getting too old for fun?
On that note, I dare anyone and everyone
to send in pictures of the stupidest
things they can think of doing while ice
skating. I'll Shanghai the editor into
giving me more space so I can post the
best of them next week!
February 1 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
vigilante in our midst. I can't honestly
say I wouldn't feel excited if I got my
own superhero nickname, so kudos to you,
Blackout, whoever you are.
Just don't go all One Punch Man on my
nephew Jadis. He likes to dress like a
punk, but he's got the soul of a cherry-
pink marshmallow.
Yes, dear. I love you too. Suffer.
Speaking of suffering, I heard tell that
our very own Kip was spotted on one of
the bridges down in Fort Brunsett, stark
naked and covered in stripper glitter.
Kip, I can't say I blame you. If I ever
caught a case of glitteritis as bad as
that one, I'd be tempted to jump off a
bridge's railing, too.
The Tam seems to be getting more popular
lately, or maybe folks are just stir
crazy after all that snow. Or crazy, in
general. Franklyn, I've gotta say, I'm
disappointed. You're a good girl, but
if you keep this up, you're going to end
up in the loony bin or six feet under.
Walking around the city in your PJs is
one thing. Even Adam Wilkinson has done
that one, hasn't he, Adam?
Whatever guy you're crying about, come
sniffle on the West bank, girl. You
should know better. Also, get a jacket!
Last but not least, it sounds like we've
got ourselves a new brawler in town. Old
Janni Kristoffsen said some girl named
Merle got into one rip-roaring fight at
the bar over a pack of cigarettes she
may or may not have acquired with his
permission.
What I wonder is this: if we put Mystery
Merle in a pit with C.B. Alexander, who
would be the last one standing?
February 8 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
whole lot of pink, and enough roses to
sink a boat. Or a float.
Kids, go gentle on the Valentine's float
in the parade this year. While I can't,
as a reasonable adult, condone sticking
fireworks under its chassis, the symbol-
ism of love going up in flames and then
setting the church on fire was a little
too close to the mark for a few ladies
last year, which did drive up subscrip-
tions to the paper and my column...
Maybe stick to uncomfortable red oozing.
No? Okay, how about wearing sheets and
putting on a Christmas Story parody with
the ghost of loves past? I know Harriet
isn't used to sneaking around under a
sheet in daylight, but I'm sure she
could make an exception to teach you a
few tricks.
In other news, Fort Brunsett has had yet
another series of violent crimes. Can't
say as I blame them. I get violent when
my car door freezes shut after an entire
day of freezing rain, myself.
I do not, however, then explode my car.
Yours truly hasn't gotten all of the
details on this one, but my sources did
say the driver was a criminal, and that
he was yelling about hung men and
midgets and rods that could shoot six
blocks. Somehow, as excellent as that
image is, I don't think that is quite
what happened.
Last but not least, the Last Chance
diner down in the junkyard had its own
dust-up. I'm told a gang of feisty
ne'er-do-wells got a face full of bacon
after interrupting Johnny Drexel at his
breakfast with a pretty girl. Gentleman
that he was, I'm told he even played
white knight to her when the rest of the
gang tried to beat them up when they
left the diner, aided by the Samaritan
Scooby Gang.
Thugs and assorted criminals, if you're
going to pick on a guy, pick on Drexel.
I want to see how many times I can tell
the same story before my editor
strangles me for it.
February 15 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the parade
went off without a hitch. Or, rather,
without a torch. There was a lot of red
and pink confetti, and Mrs. Herringworth
may or may not have lost her dentures on
a lollipop, but the vampire fangs may or
may not have made it all worth it.
Seriously. Fangs.
Linda, you win at life. Then again, you
have had about twice as many years to
get better at it...
I hear tell a certain pair of teenagers
was trying to get better at something I
can't put in print, too. Kids, maybe
next time you should turn the car lights
off before you start making it bounce
around.
You know what else was bouncing?
Men. Three of them, and they were the
only ones to volunteer down at The Plank
on Amateur Night. That big boxer King
was down there, too, though I'm told he
wouldn't dance. Scoping out the compe-
tition, perhaps? His new establishment
does seem to lack a certain grit. That
could just be memories of my shoes get-
ting stuck to the floor by old glitter
and grog, however...
My sources also claim our favorite cop
crisper C.B. Alexander was there with
none other than Franklyn Garreau, and a
cutey no one could quite get the name
of, too. On Valentine's Day? I smell
a threesome in the air! Tell us, Mr.
Alexander, how do your cockles grow?
Pretty maids all in a row?
February 22 2018
Enid was kidnapped!!
March 1 2018
Enid is still missing!! Oh wait, she got away!
March 8 2018
Enid is home! Yay! She is recovering, though, and couldn't collect enough gossip before her deadline.
March 15 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a
lot of gossip to catch up on! Here we go
now...
In older news, I owe Emmett Anderson a
great big thank you for egging my house
and getting punished for it. Thanks to
his mom, too, for punishing him!
Anyone else feel like weeding my flower
garden? I can sit inside and pretend to
get kidnapped again. Maybe a tropical
island this time; that would be an
improvement.
I'm told I missed the bombing of that
poor old bowling alley down in Fort
Brunsett, too. Can't say as I blame the
bombers, though. That place sold food I
never once didn't regret eating. Quick,
set up a petition -- better food for
better bowlers!
As much as we would all love to hear
that THE Mr. Alexander was responsible,
I'm afraid police have already confirmed
he wasn't on the premises. I did hear a
juicy tidbit about a drunken visit to
the hospital room of one Cerise Hodgson,
however, with a delectably pathetic
bouquet and a ward-load of yelling. Do
we have a new romance on the offing? One
that involves hospital security right
from the start can't possibly go wrong.
Speaking of bouquets...
Our favorite Kip has been seen buying
more than one handful of flowers lately,
and rumor has it, none of them have been
for Mina Grey!
Has the slutcracker ballerina lost her
leghold on his heart?
Is it true that they have ALL been for
one of his employees? Kip, do let us
know, there's a dear. Mandy needs the
laugh. A little birdy tells me she tried
climbing in HER employee's back window,
fell, and had to be rescued from the
town's worst window-wedgie in decades...
March 22 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, little John
Horner learned the hard way that, when
mama says to stop, you stop.
Don't worry. The ice broke his fall. And
his elbow. Condolences and Gibb slaps
may be directed to Mulberry Lane.
Speaking of self-injury, I just happened
to overhear a few police officers the
other day talking about Electric City
blowing up with some freak power surge.
My source wasn't as open as I would have
liked, so it could have been a Jane, Jan
or maybe even James. As your gossip
specialist, I fail you today. If you
know who got themselves maimed, share!
Inquiring minds want schadenfreude!
Now, Mayor Jack hasn't been in the paper
enough lately, in my opinion, so let's
share a wee tidbit of Spring silliness,
shall we? We all know he's a handsome
devil, and we all know he's an all too
sober one; trust me, the number of times
I've tried to get that man to drink...
Just the other day, Mandy Morrison says
she saw the Mayor out behind her house,
wearing red boxers with white hearts all
over, chasing down what she swore was a
little kid all dressed up like an elf.
Pretty thorough mask, too. They went
around the corner pretty quick, but I
now have it on excellent authority that
our Mayor has one spectacular ass.
Kip, however, has been concealing his.
Don't you know that no matter how many
girls you run through, trying to beat
the town's speed-dumping records, you
will always have our love? I know for
a fact that Sally Quinn has a mind to
share her muffins with you any time you
like. Of course, her boyfriend seemed
to disagree with the idea...
March 29 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the town's
favorite Kip Kensington is back in the
spotlight, and hoo boy, it's a doozy.
Miss Ethel says there she was, buying a
nice book for her little nephew over at
Homepage Books, when out of nowhere,
there he was, asking a female employee
if he was hot.
Just wait. It gets better.
THEN, he said something about getting a
raincoat to go meet another girl. A
girl who was not Mina, it must be noted.
Who IS this mystery woman on the phone?
Even better, reliable sources tell me
that Kip was overheard having a chat
with Copfire Alexander himself. Not just
a chat, no, but some rather pointed
questions about C.B.'s interest in Mina
Grey. Will this love triangle ever end?
Kip, our rabid readers are dying to know
the truth. When you talked with C.B.
about rings, was that for you or for one
of your harem? I'm told Cerise's name
came up, which could explain why you
were asking her if you were hot...
On the subject of lovely ladies, I have
it on good authority that local story-
teller and hair-dye enthusiast November
was seen down at Aspire by the hockey
rink with a rather talented young woman.
Talented in more than one way, it seems.
You go, girl. Turning a time-out box
into a kissing booth has the Enid stamp
of approval!
What doesn't have my approval?
Letting dogs take a dump on public land
and not cleaning it up. If anyone sees
the owner of a dog with a particularly
large rectum down by the Miller gardens,
do let me know, so I can thank them
for their contribution to the public
health and safety codes.
April 5, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told I
started rumors all on my lonesome, which
is an entertainment, I assure you. Yes,
I did indeed have clumps of extremely
handsome young gentlemen coming by my
office to give me gifts. Ladies, too.
Thank you, one and all, for your kind
words and wishes. Mr. Alexander, thank
you, too, for the effort you put into
telling the world I'm an abomination.
I respect your opinions. Mine differ.
Speaking of different, if you haven't
gone by the farm by the Fry fields, I
recommend a trip out west of town. The
Rackhams chalked each and every one of
their sheep in Easter egg stripes and
spots. I have been assured that all of
the chalk sprays used are biodegradable
and not harmful to the animals.
Belated Easter themes are the way to go,
it seems. I hear tell the mighty magic-
ians Haruki and Itsuki ran an Easter
event for kids with themed magic tricks,
an egg hunt and real rabbits. As a
gardener, I've gotta say, petting a
bunny isn't my current desire...
I know someone who does desire petting,
however. Tommy, next time you steal
your papa's liquor, leave the cell phone
at home. Drunk texting me, of all
people, is just asking for trouble. You
also owe me $5 for the bet you made that
I wouldn't print it.
April 12, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a long-term
reader is determined to flood me with
rabbits.
Haruki, kid, you're a magician. Use your
magic to keep the gosh darned bunnies
out of my tulips, and I won't need to be
upset with them. They have a clover
patch and plenty of greens out in the
woods.
The deer have returned, too, as Delilah
learned the other night on Main Street.
Del, you let us know if the kids need a
ride anywhere. Let me know when you're
finally going to up that prescription on
your glasses, too, because your radiator
has the holes to prove that buck wasn't
a bush...
Speaking of friends in need, I hear tell
our favorite Kip managed to find some
booze down in Fort Brunsett this past
week. Who knew Cat-22 had a bar upstairs
and, more to the point, who knew Kip
actually drank in public?
Maybe he shouldn't have.
I'm told his 'not-nerdy girl' without
glasses and his lovely Mina had to drag
him, mumbling, down the stairs.
I'm also told he was talking to an
imaginary friend named Andrew over at
Homepage. Everything okay with you,
Kip? We adore you, and I can guarantee
Missy Miller would share some of her
famous peach pie if you were poorly. She
told me just the other day how much she
loves reading about you in the paper,
didn't she, Missy?
The fanfic shipping of you and C.B. is
still the best. Bernadette Peters has
sent in three comics of you two, and
I'm told I am supposed to tell her mama
that she expects to be called B.P. now
in C.B.'s image, and plans on setting
fire to any broccoli which finds its way
onto her plate at night.
B.P., you are an inspiration to us all.
April 19, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I remain a
victim of rabbit flooding. Kid, I live
surrounded by fields, and trees. If they
aren't getting enough grass, that's not
my fault.
What IS my fault is the delectable snack
tray at the newspaper headquarters this
week. I shamelessly self-advertise my
cooking, and invite everyone to mail in
any and all advice to make it better.
Mayor Jack, I already have yours. No, I
will not stop baking.
While I won't stop baking, you all won't
stop loving, for which I'm thankful.
Please, keep loving each other, and keep
having disasters like that incident down
at the mall last week. Bandies, if you
read this, correct me. A group called
'Red Lost Dead Lost' was performing in
the food court, and ended up finishing
with a Springer-worthy love triangle, a
failed proposal and an outing, all at
once. Come to think of it, our local
magician was there, too...
Haruki, are you getting into the match-
making business?
Speaking of matches, I haven't heard any
news about our darling Kip, ladies, so
don't you worry. If he falls over and
dies, I'm sure we'll all hear about it.
The cops are asking folks to stop lining
up outside Homepage, however, and I am
going to say this only once: I am not
giving anyone either Kip's or Mr. C.B.
Alexander's personal addresses, phone
numbers or any other information. Please
stop asking!
Let's start thinking about frozen bread,
instead. Who do you think the winner's
going to be? Give me your ideas! What
themes do you think the Spring Fling is
going to end up stuck with? Can't be
worse than that Spongebob Squarepants
debacle three years back...
April 30, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a certain
newspaper owner has learned a valuable
lesson: don't tick off the high schooler
who was hired to bring half-decent
coffee.
The high schooler has learned, in turn,
that watching where she stomps may be
a good idea when carrying an armful of
paper cups full of steaming hot java.
The electrician who was updating our
circuit breaker has, in turn, learned
just how long it takes to clean out the
electrical conduits and fix shorted
wires...
Long story short, sorry for the late
publication, folks.
Also, sorry, Hank. How was I supposed
to know the dye on the bandage would
bleed? Better you than me, though. I
don't look great in pink hearts.
Following up on our apparent rabbit
theme, lately, I'm told Haruki was seen
running about down in Fort Brunsett's
riverside park on spring stilts, dressed
up as a rabbit and making origami, you
guessed it, more rabbits, for children.
Kid, try a cat or something. Be a super
hero. No way is DC Comics going to make
a movie for Rabbitman.
Speaking of heroes, I hear Jack Fry has
made a name for himself as an otter
whisperer. I've been sent at least four
YouTube links to videos and commentary
on the incident, and on his heckler.
Your park rangers in action, folks.
Kudos, Jack.
P.S. The otter's cuter.
May 3, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
bit of fun about local contractor and
amateur fisher Leon Huskey. See, he went
on down to the fishing spot by South-
bridge, and as I hear it, HE says he
tripped over some sort of pothole in the
dirt. Caught himself a good crack on
the jaw for it, too, but no one else has
seen so much as a whisker of a pothole
there. Leon, if it makes me kiss dirt
as well as you did, I don't even want to
know what you were drinking.
Speaking of the river, May first has
come and gone, and that means those zany
Lefevres were prancing around doing as
pagans do to celebrate Beltane. I hear
tell our old Hollywood Hopeful, Cam, was
seen giving his sister's roomie cow-eyes
while singing a love song on his guitar.
Is romance in the air? Time will tell!
If Cerise's bruises are C.B.'s form of
romance, however, I don't want them.
Now, I, for one, don't think the guy
did it, but I've heard plenty of voices
wondering whether Cerise could really
get THAT many bruises just from slipping
on a couple of rocks under a stream.
Cerise, do tell. Were you doing a tango
out there somewhere? I hear Kip's pretty
terrible at dancing, so I wouldn't put
it past the guy to end up giving you an
elbow to the eye...
May 10, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have only
good to say.
Promise.
It's the talk of the town that Jack Fry
may be even more of a stand-up guy, if
you know what I mean. Why, Trudy at the
general store was saying just the other
day that when he was out shopping, she
overheard a twenty-something girl call
him her daddy, and wasn't she just the
spitting image of the late Mrs. Fry...
Welcome to town, kid. Go do something
inadvisable and fun.
Speaking of "inadvisable and fun" things
to be doing, I hear tell a trucker on
his way through may have had a bit too
much to drink. Either that, or he's a
fibber. Now, I got this from a few
different sources, but as best I can
piece it together, the man was trans-
porting crates of food. When he got
out and started unpacking it all, he
found two cans had been opened and eaten
up, turned into "mice" with some craft
paper and glue.
Just wait. It gets even better.
See, along with the "mice" left there,
some-mouse left copious quantities of
glitter, complete with teensy tiny foot
prints all over the back of the truck.
Another driver, heading to town last
Tuesday night, saw two sparkling kids
laughing their fool heads off jumping
out of a truck at a stop light, but
when he went back to check it out, all
he found was a splash of glitter on the
road.
Kids, needless to say, it's not a smart
idea to hitch-hike and it's not a legal
idea to hitch-hike and steal a company's
property, even if it tastes fantastic,
though canned food tasting fantastic is
a speculation I'll save for a column
where I'm allowing myself to say things
which aren't good.
Last but not least, what's this about
Miss Mina wearing a particular ring on
her finger? Do tell! That's the kind
glitter we all WANT to see.
May 17, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a
LOT to get through. You folks are great!
First, I heard a little birdy down at
the Seventh House Cafe saying that the
owner, Avalon, is planning on hosting
some sort of fair in the near future.
As long as the White Witch of the North
here has some good black tea, I'm in.
Now, I'm doubtful on this one, but I'm
morally obligated to defend your goats
and virgins: watch out for so-called
Satanists on July 27th. I hear they're
setting up for some big event down by
the river.
Events are the way to go, it seems,
because the gold-flinging Logan Brenner
is up to it again. I haven't been able
to get details, so you'll have to stay
tuned for those, but it sounds like he's
planning a big lakeside barbecue down in
Fort Brunsett for charity. Anyone
feeling hungry?
If you're feeling hungry for abuse, our
favorite curmudgeon Ryan Dunnage seems
to have a new favorite topic. Ryan,
what's up with Thompson Meadows? If you
want romantic advice, I bet that cute
Japanese magician can help you win him
over... haven't seen Meadows in weeks,
so whatever you're doing, I don't think
it's working. Come to think of it, I
haven't seen Roberto Alvarez around,
either. What do you think, folks? He and
Meadows gone off to get hitched?
Seems there's been a rash of Christmas
capers around town, too. I've had four
people say they got a Christmas card and
started having weird stuff happen. Where
are the Ghostbusters when you need them?
For that matter, where's a Boba Fett?
Get this. Mr. Oswald Addington, one of
the Councilmen down in Fort Brunsett,
actually has a bounty out on the ballsy
artist who painted a three-headed cat on
his town car. $150 for a lead, $300 for
the culprit. Anyone got a good speeder?
Last but not least, does Kip have a new
admirer? A certain Megan Sato has been
seen in and out of Homepage, and hoo boy
has she been loud. If not Kip, I know a
certain employee who's not a bad looker
at all... Something going on that you
want to tell us, Cerise?
May 24, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get the
joy of knowing that Amanda Rachne's food
will be gracing someone else's tables. I
hope her new husband has a strong
stomach! That said, Mandy, we'll all
miss your basket-weaving. Send us a note
from Colorado, and stop by the office
before you go. We'll keep in touch!
I hear tell some specifically unnamed
magicians would like to start up debate
about which one of them is cuter than
the other. See Haruki and Itsuki for
details, though given that I'm told bad
things happen to the places they plan
to perform, maybe you should wait until
after they open up their magical museum.
While I don't know of any fires being
set in anybody's hearts this past week,
I'm sure glad the real thing is done and
gone. We here at the Times would like to
give a great big thank you to all of the
volunteers and responders who helped out
with taming the wildfires this past week
out in the west valley.
I do know that a certain teenaged some-
one came by to leave Mr. Arnold a love
note, however...
Sorry to say, kid but I don't think you
really have a chance. He's a one-woman
cat, and Missy Potts is his woman.
May 31, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, let's all
take a minute to get sappy here, and
think about gratitude. I, for one, am
very grateful that we have so many good
men and women here in town willing to be
volunteers out west. The town is a
little emptier, a little quieter,
without you all, but with luck and good
hard work, they'll track down that
bomber and give them what they deserve.
Done being sappy? Good. Now for some
gossip.
Now, anyone with eyes knows that Cerise
Hodgson is around our favorite Alexander
on a regular basis. Gotta wonder whether
he's starting to rub off on her, though.
I've heard from multiple sources that
she's been spotted wandering around the
city in various states of drunkenness
lately. Cerise, if it's man troubles,
I'm useless, but I do know the name of
a good couples therapist...
Speaking of women with problems, while I
commend your dedication to your health,
Franklyn, there are safer places for you
to walk than down the riverbank at night
around here, and you of all people
should know better.
Folks have been busy this week, so stay
with me, here, readers. Gossip, speed-
run style!
I'm told there has been a gaggle of gun-
shots down by Snake Creek. Whoever's out
there, find a shooting range, would you?
The noise is getting old for residents.
Remember Thompson Meadows? Apparently,
one of the Utridge bachelors was picked
up by a blonde seen going in and out of
Meadows' home.
Mr. Meadows himself seems to have found
a pot of luck, however. Word is his new
prosthetics are the work of some young
savant called Widget. Could be worse. I
knew a guy called Dick N. Bhallis once.
The Frys are having fun with the prep
for the Pink Cow Run, meanwhile, though
I'm not sure how the Trojan Cow is going
to come into the action... I've made my
obligatory inappropriate joke for the
day, so you can go ahead and imagine a
whopper about wooden bovines yourself.
I'm told the lights went out down by the
Riverside markets last Tuesday. Darker
than the inside of a cat, not that I
have any personal experience with the
inside of felines.
I don't have a lot of experience with
fossils, either, but get this: someone
found some great big honking bones from
pleistocene beluga whales, of all
things, and a fully intact mammoth
skeleton. Gotta say, my bet's on hoax.
Anyone who knows about it, you let us
all know; inquiring minds, and all that.
Speaking of animals, the artist with the
three-headed cat has competition. I'm
told a number of strange symbols have
been cropping up all over town on cars,
buildings, even pets. I've known a few
perfectly reasonable Satanists in my
time, but this is a bit strange, even
for them. I don't know if I believe
the rumors that they're behind it all.
Last but not least, Melinda Bates says
she's seen a strange man in an orange
suit stumbling around town at night, but
she couldn't understand what he was
saying. Whatever it was, he sure liked
yelling it.
June 7, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it sounds
like we have a lost Alexander wandering
around town. No one got a name, but if
you're reading this, kiddo, check out
the Stone & Crown Shipping down in FB. I
would advise learning some Spanish, too,
while you're at it. Lolo's swearing is
something to be admired.
Franklyn's decisions, however, are less
admirable.
We have people in three camps: camp #1
thinks she was down there setting off a
few harmless fireworks. Camp #2 says
she's been dating C.B. too long and set
a few small fires for kicks and giggles
and the pure cussed joy of it. Camp #3
is my personal favorite: her pet
hamster died a noble death, and she was
there to give it a Viking funeral upon
the water.
Speaking of water, the Pink Cow Run went
off swimmingly -- literally, in some
cases.
I'm told Avalon Lefevre dunked Jimmy Fry
into the water tank with one throw, that
cutey Maggie Locklear pinking him up
right afterward. The ladies pinked up
more than Jimmy, too, from all I hear.
Albert, you may have some competition
for good arms... Maybe you should take a
few pitching lessons from them. I don't
know about you, but breaking your mama's
kitchen window, twice, in one week, is
something I'd want to learn how to stop.
Speaking of Frys, I hear tell that Jack
fellow has a mighty fine chest, but
don't get your hopes up, ladies; Gladys
was out walking those mops she calls
dogs bright and early, and spotted him
at Dr. Gallagher's cabin. Now, THAT is
a form of anthropology I wouldn't mind
studying...
I hear Kip was doing a bit of 'studying'
himself recently with that Zillah from
the shop next door. Despite claims to
the contrary, I've met the guy, and it's
my not inconsiderable opinion that he's
way too much of a marshmallow to hurt
his darling Mina.
Then again, if they broke up...
Inquiring minds want to know, Kip. How's
your love life? Still in love?
June 14, 2018
Enid Schmitt is not having a good year. She was in the hospital this past week after someone tried to kidnap her.
Elsewhere in the paper, it is explained that the assailants are unknown, but they were wearing dark suits, and police are investigating the incident.
June 21, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, for those
of you who missed me last week, I've
gotta say, this getting kidnapped thing
is seriously getting old.
Folks, I am a newspaper gossip
columnist, not an evil minion out to
destroy the world of humankind. If you
think I have money worth taking, you
should talk to my boss.
No, the police don't know who it was
yet. Yes, they're working on it. Yes,
I'm mightily peeved, and don't come in
wearing a black suit and shiny black
shoes any time soon, or I may mace you.
The knock-out gas tie-pin was an
unexpected touch, and very James Bond of
them. I'd rather get stepped on by a
cow again, all things considered.
Enough with that! On to the fun stuff.
I hear Ben Utridge is going back to his
old playboy ways down there at the Red
Clover Hotel. Clandestine engagements
with people my source says were hotties,
and last week he was even sporting a
great big hickey, too.
I wouldn't mind a hickey from something
other than a facemask at the hospital.
Any volunteers?
June 28, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get to
explore the wide, wild world of Haruki's
underwear choices.
Somehow, I believe he had help with this
particular escapade, but I've had half a
dozen reports from ladies all over town
that if even a quarter of those garments
are actually his, they'd like to have a
nice, very private, chat with him about
his brand choices. And advice.
On the subject of a different sort of
fireworks, we're coming up on the Fourth
of July here, folks, and the parade this
weekend is expected to bring in a lot of
out-of-towners. Who wouldn't want to
dunk a Mayor into a vat of strawberry,
clear and blue raspberry Jell-O cubes?
Sorry, Jack. Count me in. Dolores has
had my $5 for two weeks now.
Anyone of a mind for fireworks can find
a nice perch by the cliff to watch Fort
Brunsett's display out on the lake. Our
own is a little dinky in comparison, but
we're a dinky little town. The Miller
boys have done us proud this past month,
getting all the roads smoothed out, so
kudos to them.
There's just something about a man
without a shirt handling heavy machinery
to get your engine revving... Louise
MacFarlan wouldn't know anything about
that, now, would she? Cute skirt, Lou.
Maybe next time keep it on a little bit
longer. Granny Miller's going to have a
heart attack before the wedding at this
rate.
Congratulations, by the way.
July 5, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it is with
great pleasure that I heard a little
birdy say Kip's not done with his wild
and questionably romantic shenanigans
just yet, engagement or no. Someone saw
Mina running out of the back room in
teensy tiny shorts (great gams, girl)
and a tiny tank top which looked slept
in.
Kip, I've got to ask: did she doggy-ear
a page in bed? Is that why you kicked
her out? Ladies around town are saying
you've taken this foxy ladies' man aura
to heart, but I know better than to
trust that adorkably bumbling facade.
Your secret admirer, however, really
should get a new hobby. Why, Mary Page,
poor dear, just bought a book on crochet
at Homepage, and now she's cleaning off
all forty-seven copies of Kip's name
from where it was painted on her house.
Laney Boggs, her neighbor, said it was
blood, for sure, but I'd like to know
how she got close enough to check, when
she can't even handle a paper cut with-
out fainting. Really, Laney.
Charles du Bois knows a bit about faints
himself, after yesterday's parade. Now,
I know it's a teacher's job to educate
his students, but a real life lesson on
staying hydrated while marching in hot
wool uniforms was probably not high on
the curriculum's alternate lesson list.
Speaking of inappropriate clothing, I've
had a few reports of a recently-arrived
African fellow dancing his way through
town in a sundress as loud as his
rendition of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
this past week. Prank or lost bet? Meg
from the corner store says his legs were
something to be admired, however...
Also to be admired, and possibly feared,
I'm told some sort of big cat was heard
roaring down along Lake Brunsett this
past Monday. I haven't heard whether the
cat's been found, but I'd be wary of a
nice hike through the woods, myself.
Someone else has been growling, lately,
and it's a matter of some speculation
whether Weaver Utridge jumped the broom
a mite too quickly. Newly wed to Velvet
Danvers, several ladies have mentioned
that the man has been a miserable grouch
the last few days. Trouble in paradise?
Those Utridges aren't having a lot of
luck lately, it seems, because a bit of
digging here and there informed me that
none other than Olivia Utridge herself
held an impromptu concert at the
children's wing of Riverside Hospital
last month, and got pranked by a fire in
the stairwell.
I haven't heard any tales of ravenous
fanboys tearing perpetrators limb from
limb yet over the internet, but I'm sure
the fan rage is just waiting in the
wings.
July 12, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid is on vacation! I'm darn well not writing her column for her. You people know I'll forget half of it and tangle up the rest. Don't know how that woman keeps it straight. Mind like a gosh darned steel trap bred with Spiderman.
The Editor
July 19, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I return
from a much-deserved vacation to sandy,
sunny beaches and am back to bring only
the very best gossip to you, my rabid
readers.
Firstly, I've got two little birdies
saying miss Franklyn Garreau won the top
prize at the kite flying competition,
beating out that incredibly enthusiastic
youngster. Wedgie's the name I was given
and I sincerely doubt that is an
accurate report, so miss Wedgie, please
do let us know. Also, take a bath.
Cleanliness is next to godliness, as my
sainted mother used to say.
I'm told a local got bitten by, and I'm
not kidding here, this is what is on the
list: a rabid raccoon, a dog, a blue
otter, a flying rat, or a lemur of all
things. Serves him right, trying to
steal from stalls as he was. Also, I've
got to find out what those reporters
were smoking, because they sound like
they're as high as Ms. Garreau has to
be, walking into rivers and dark woods
at all hours. Again.
Illegal fireworks are safer, kid. Go
back to your kites and leave the river
to the river.
Speaking of issues, we have some rather
nasty rumours about Ms. Olivia Utridge
floating around, but nothing's been
substantiated. Glad to hear she's been
found, though. We darn well have enough
lost around here for my tastes already.
I sure wouldn't mind a good rabbit stew,
however, and don't you get started on
me for liking meat, Haruki. Being a
carnivore's no sin. Supposedly, a great
big fluffle of rabbits was seen running
around like some weird flock of birds
down near the lake in Fort Brunsett, but
I've gotta say, the alpaca farm takes my
personal cake. The eyes. How can you
not melt?
Haven't heard the person's name, but I'm
told the 'pacas are all named after some
kind of dinosaur.
Benny and Hal say they've been spotting
odd little things carved around town,
speaking of weird. I've seen a few my-
self, and I don't know.. . The one I saw
looked a little like some sort of wing-
less dragon. This the latest D&D craze
going through nerddom?
Not so sure about Jimmy Pepper and his
pigs, though. Jimmy runs Sweet Hog Farms
and let me tell you, his pigs are every-
thing he says they are.
In this case, slaughtered, and not by
him... As I'm told it, he woke up in
the morning and went out to get the feed
going, and found their throats slit and
blood drained. Now, this being where we
are, I do have a calendar which mentions
a blood moon... Still, you'd think the
witches would at least leave cash to pay
for the lost pigs.
Last but not least, I've had a source
share some photos with me, and Kip, she
is a beauty. A little rough around the
edges, but darn, boy, for someone so
Kippish, you sure do make a lot of lady
friends. Who's the mystery red-head,
too? Short and stacked, that's for
sure. These relatives of your Mina? If
so, can you convince them to move here?
Your admirer's gone to work again, so
you'd better work fast. What do you know
about a broad named Jessica? The way I'm
told it, 'Kip' has been painted several
times along the Samsson building in the
same bright crimson as before, along
with a great honking heart in the middle
saying 'Kip x Jessica!!!' in it. If I
were you, I'd sic the fiancee on her. I
sure wouldn't want to get on Mina's bad
side. You know how strong those ballet
exercises make those legs?
July 26, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid's colleagues would like to say what a splendid woman she is. They also have no intention of writing her column for her while she is out sick.
Here. Have a picture of a kitten with a baby bunny.
The Writers
August 2, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid's colleagues have discovered a secret stash of actual coffee hidden in Enid's technically unlocked and colleague-accessible file cabinet behind the old floppy disks and CDs.
Thank you, Enid, for your generous contribution to office happiness.
The Writers
August 9, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid's colleagues would like you all to know that she is back from the hospital and recovering Enidly. The nurses and doctors may never be the same.
Neither will her colleagues' stomachs. How does she EAT all of that cinnamon?
The Writers
August 16, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Enid's colleagues have pooled their resources and replaced the pilfered coffee and bonbons with more appropriate substitutes. They are sure Enid will appreciate their efforts at supporting her habits.
Everyone has addictions, Enid. Cinnamon is yours. We'll help you manage it. Just give us the chocolate part of the bonbon and you keep the middle.
The Writers
August 23, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I return
again, albeit not from sandy beaches. I
don't suggest surgery as an alternative
to sunshine and cute boys in tiny suits,
folks.
On the bright side, a liquid diet does
wonders for the waistline. Pity bikini
season's almost over.
Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I am immensely dis-
appointed that my colleagues couldn't
soldier on without me and get you all of
your delectable gossip fixes on their
lonesome, but that just means I get to
have the fun myself.
Now, this is old news at this point, but
I'm told that someone Kool-Aid manned
their way into the home of Velvet and
Weaver Utridge back at the beginning of
the month, and something something about
possible acquisition of lake monsters.
Is Lake Brunsett trying to compete with
Champlain? What'll we call it? Champ
has a degree of charm to it, but Brun is
a bit too Viking, and Sett sounds like a
puppy or a desert god, depending.
Pity Brun/Sett wasn't around to help the
local authorities clean up the mess made
by one Miss Franklyn Garreau back then,
too. I'm told that someone pulled up
another sculpture instead of a fish just
this week. Franklyn, girl, get help. I
know your family can pay for the litter-
ing fines, but that's no reason to go
dumping all that crud into the river.
Thankfully, not even you can shove a
piano out a window by willpower alone.
In more recent news, I'm told that Tommy
Haffleck just got himself into the big
leagues. I didn't even know there was a
category for the longest paper airplane
flight flung by a waterfall off of a
cliff of two hundred feet or more over a
body of water of 'significant size'...
Kudos, Tommy. Now that you're a record
holder, don't go resting on your laurels
and poop out on us, kid. Put this little
town back on the map. You should probab-
ly graduate high school first, though.
Last but not least for this week, I have
the pleasure of introducing you all to
Erica Miller, our latest staff photo-
grapher. Recently returned from a phase
as a Boston transplant, she is back
where she belongs: in the land of weirdo
hair colors supposed to be unknown to
man or woman. I'll be dye buddies, but
don't expect to see me running with her.
I maintain a strictly horizontal version
of jogging. It's called typing in bed,
preferably with a cinnamon bonbon or two
nearby.
August 30, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all
had time to appreciate the rash of
unseasonably warm weather lately. Guess
I get to bring out that bikini after
all!
A certain polka-dotted someone by the
riverbank should have thought twice
about bringing out HER bikini, however.
See, little teeny strings don't do all
that well when you're jumping off of
bridges like a teenager into a river,
which, you know, is flowing away.
Flowing away with your bikini top AND
bottom, that is. Mildred, you may be
going on seventy-mumble, but you still
have a fine ass, wrinkles and all.
Speaking of fine asses, mine is doing
quite well, thank you, and thank you all
for the gift baskets. I've had to share
the largesse with the rest of the writer
collective and anyone else who wanted
chocolate dipped pineapples on staff,
for which they thank you all as well,
and pray that I fall down a nice long
flight of stairs.
Deity or deities, if you are reading
this, please ignore those knuckleheads.
I've had enough hospital bills to last
a lifetime.
I would like to thank Haruki, Itsuki and
their gang of propaganda-spouting
rabbits especially. If you ever want to
read material about the plight of the
New England cottontail rabbit, I now
have stacks of it, along with my gift
basket.
In less amusing news, I'm sad to say
that Mrs. Mabel Miller, grandmother and
force of nature, has passed away at the
ripe old age of a hundred and two. To
all the Miller family, my condolences.
She was a tough old bird and she will be
missed.
September 06, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we can
kiss goodbye to Summer, ladies and gents
and assorted others. Really, we can. I
do appreciate the lengths, and depths,
to which certain members of our
community are willing to go to cling to
its sunny warmth, however...
Where to begin?
Sally Hanwood seems a good start. If you
haven't been down Mill Road in a while,
you really should take a trip toward
Salvation East. Sally here says she was
stuck in a Beatles rut, and that's why
she planted, and yes, she counted it all
out individually and by hand, a field of
six thousand eight-hundred twenty-seven
sunflowers. Here comes the sun? How
about 'here comes the avian obesity'? If
I were you, I'd get out there fast,
before we get a Hitchcock thriller going
on.
Little miss Miller sitting on the tiller
is our next Summer fling. Literally.
Kira, next time you want to ride a horse
around a field, we recommend wearing
exactly what you did last Tuesday. I
haven't seen Daley Biggs laugh so hard
since he was my nephew's science teacher
and Andrew glued himself to the desk.
He got himself unglued, but his pants
did not.
Yes, he paid for a new desk.
Third and finally, my personal favorite,
Mrs. Nelson has been whipping up a storm
of chocolate lollies at the church, tomb
stone shaped, to celebrate the end of
Summer with a bit of calorie-laden doom.
They're on sale by the graveyard every
day this week.
September 13, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we seem to
have a mysterious squash-slicer in town.
Are zucchinis squashes? Foamy vegetable
substitute for a good steak, but they do
fake it well. In this case, overnight,
we've had a rash of little hanged gourds
(maybe zucchinis are gourds?) dangling
in doorframes, windows, at bus stops, on
bathroom counters and several locations
I had never thought a vegetable of such
an unusual size could dangle.
The Mayor's asking the veggie-dangler to
keep the witchcraft to a minimum until
at least October, but we all know Jack's
a stick in the mud.
Dangle away, oh Zucchini Mangler!
Speaking of mangling things and mystery
appearances, what's up with the fish by
the river, folks? I've heard rumors out
of four separate reliable sources that
they weren't drinking and really did see
fish torn up on the banks, bellies open,
but otherwise uneaten. I'd keep the kids
away from the river, folks, just in case
whatever it is hasn't found what it was
looking for...
Last but not least, the White Witch of
Tamarack Falls has the newspaper's full
support while she recovers from the
Library Incident which occurred on
Friday afternoon. I've been asked by the
library staff to give her a public thank
you for all of her help in identifying
the killer. I've been asked by the
police, however, not to say more than
that, so we'll leave it right there.
September 20, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am glad
to say that there have been no further
fish shenanigans. Fish belong in rivers
or on my dinner plate, breaded and well-
cooked.
Sorry, sushi-lovers. I'll admire your
snacks for the art involved, but nothing
is going to get me eating a raw fish.
Speculation over just who's going to win
the vote for this year's Apple Queen is
everywhere, and hoo boy, the competition
is getting tight.
Mind, the ballots are a secret, so of
course everyone knows who's on them. My
personal favorite is the pet goldfish
named Bob, and the 'Bobby for Apples'
campaign on the street corners...
The lemonade they're selling isn't bad,
either. Made fresh, with little fish-
shaped ice molds, even. Kids these days
get it easy. Back in the dinosaur days
when I was a kid, we had ice in actual
cubes.
My editor says it's my turn to give up a
few column inches, so I'll see you next
week!
September 27, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, while I'm
sure you've already heard from the other
columns in the paper, you haven't heard
it from me: we have our first male Apple
Queen this year, and it's none other
than our local magician extraordinaire,
Haruki. Congrats, kid. I can't wait to
see which consort you pull out of a hat.
Several young ladies and their parents
have expressed a wish that a certain
butt-naked somebody would have had a hat
of his own, this past week, down on the
dock by Lake Brunsett. I didn't get a
name, but from what I've heard, the guy
set his own crotch on fire and got
shoved off of the dock. That's version
number one.
Version number two involves tentacles
better seen in a hentai than a public
boating dock, fireballs better seen in
Dungeons & Dragons (and yes, Peter Qi, I
do know what that is; I'm not THAT old
and decrepit), and an attractive young
woman weeping over his manly nudity
until the cops showed up to congratulate
him on his victory over unnatural and
monstrous beasts.
Version number three involves saving a
little girl from a random attack by some
variation on an octopus, a sting ray or
a seal, depending on which source I was
talking to, but the single unifying
event in all of the stories was this guy
getting his pants burned off and almost
drowning in the lake.
Tourists may wimp out and leave the lake
early this year, but we've seen weirder,
haven't we? Not to make light of the
little girl's injuries, which are
supposedly extensive but minor and
expected to heal with minimal scarring,
but if I were you, I wouldn't worry too
much about seeing more of those critters
around. I'm sure the experts from the
east bank will be taking care of it.
October 04, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've got a
hankering for pumpkin pies, but everyone
is crazed about apples, and for good
reason. The recipes those contestants
were serving were mmmm mmm good, down to
the last bite.
I have no shame. I took a lot of bites.
I didn't get to take a bite out of that
handsome hunk of a Miller, however, who
was working at the emergency station. I
did get to see Susan Farrendahl flirting
up a storm with the man, which was a
real treat, let me tell you. If I were a
guy she had her sights on, hoo-ey, I'd
be drowning in that bounteous everything
in no time. Fly, meet web.
Pity Mr. Miller is another spider.
Speaking of eight-legged friends, I hear
tell the local elementary kids are fix-
ing to decorate the schoolhouse and the
outside of the church this year, and a
certain spidery stuffed somebody will be
making a reappearance.
Just keep Fido away from him, Mikey. He
can only have de-paraplegia surgery so
many times before he gets a leg-popping-
off complex.
I've heard there's a girl around town,
no names given as yet, who claims Haruki
is a poser, and not a real Apple Queen.
Sounds like someone wants a bake-off, to
me.
Win-win scenario for us, isn't it?
This time of year reminds me, too, that
times are a-changing, and we'd best keep
up. It's the dying of the year, folks,
and you know the hunts are coming soon.
Play it safe. I know I will.
October 11, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope we
have all learned our lesson as regards
opening doors to strangers. Also, who
knew BangBang had such an entertaining
means of discouraging robbers? Really,
even more than that, who would try to
rob a hair salon? Further, who would
try to rob a hair salon named 'Crops and
Bobbers' right down the street from the
local police deputy?
Don't worry, folks. Like Ashley said in
the news report, everyone's fine, and
the perp's skin will be stained an array
of interesting colors for at least a
week or two.
On a lighter note, I'd like to offer my
personal, and public, congratulations to
Mr. and Mrs. Hoffmann for sticking with
each other up until this, their 75th
wedding anniversary. Also, when I'm a
hundred and two, I sure hope I have the
guts to take a hot air balloon ride over
the waterfall for MY anniversaries.
Speaking of the waterfall, I've heard a
few reports of someone throwing bird
feathers into the river. There's no
sign of actual birds being harmed, but
if anyone knows the culprit behind it,
the wardens would like to have a word
with them about clogging the safety
nets under the bridges...
We're getting closer to Halloween, and
I don't know about you, but I'd keep my
doors locked, Kip, if I had an admirer
as dedicated as you do. Seems someone
left cupcakes for our local bookstore
sweetheart, but the address was two
numbers off. If anyone else sees a
suspicious package, 'Mindy x Kip' was
on this one, and police are looking
into the identity of the thumb which
was attached along with the 'Yours,
always' letter on the box.
October 18, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all
had a chance to say goodbye to Autumn
and hello to old Jack Frost. How about
that snow, folks? Nothing's sticking,
but if you haven't gotten those Spring
tulips in the ground yet, you'd best get
crackin'. The hard freezes are coming
soon.
The town's been drowning in apples for
weeks, but the pumpkin fields are mighty
strong competition, and I've got to say,
my house has never looked more orange. I
don't know if it's a lucky little faerie
in the fields or a portent that we're
all going to get snowed in and end up
with scurvy, but I'll take it.
Speaking of taking pumpkins...
I've been sponsored by Melissa Elliot of
the, I quote, "Tamarack Elliots," by
means of three pumpkin pies with extra
cinnamon (for which the entire office
thanks you), to tell you all that if you
see a dark-haired man with insect eyes
looking out at you from the reflections
on the insides of your windows, you
should let her know, so she doesn't have
to feel like she is going crazy.
Liss, if you're going crazy, can you get
a copy of that pie recipe over to Ashley
in the news room? It would be a crying
shame for the world to lose that pie,
and I, for one, am going to have night-
mares about staring eyes for days.
If you haven't checked it out yet, John,
you and your Desrochers friends ought to
sign up for that race this weekend. The
Spook-A-Thon seems right up your alley.
I'm sure there will be giant spiders for
you to squeal at, just like Linda May
swears you do any time you see one, but
what do I know about revenge? I told you
I wouldn't forget.
I'm told some out-of-towners have gone
and challenged everybody to a paintball
match as well. They seem mighty confi-
dent about their chances of winning.
October 25, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got
a lot to say, so let's get saying it. I
have some eye-witness reporting for you,
seen by these very own peepers, thanks
to Mayor Jack and his hideous love of
healthy, environmentally conscious and
early-morning activities. Hiking up a
mountain when there's barely daylight
just to clean up trash left by the kids
too foolish to tidy up the evidence of
their own parties (looking at you, John
and Annette, and George, too) is not my
idea of a peaceful interview.
Now, on to the eye-witness business. We
saw a bunch of trees just torn down in
the woods, a lot more than a few kids
could manage on foot. Didn't look like
bear sign, and there wasn't anything
that looked like power tools nearby, so
be careful out there if you're going on
a hike alone.
Next, it's not even November yet, but we
already have some Christmas card capers,
and some itchy, sneezy ones at that. The
folks who've gotten these cards say they
felt like allergies, but creepy, too,
like they weren't the only person in the
driver's seat of their own bodies. Now,
I don't know about you, but when people
tell ME to get into the holiday spirit,
I don't go out and try to get possessed.
A Cade Sextus, I'm told, has had zero
takers on his offers to dye or paint
whatever metal he's brought. You'd think
a town like this would like some oddball
art. Just think, we could all sport hub
caps as darling as Amanda Binks' Chevy.
Speaking of Binks, I've been watching
some good old Halloween movie fun-a-thon
runs on TV lately, to get myself into
the spooky spirit, and Hocus Pocus must
be on somebody's list of favorites, be-
cause I could swear it's been on twice
as often as anything else. Not that I
mind. Can't go wrong with Bette Midler
putting a spell on you in fake buck
teeth.
We CAN go wrong with a cornfield maze
when there's no corn... Steve's always
been a little odd, but this takes the
cake even for him. This month. Who can
say what he'll do in November? See, he
has a maze, but he hasn't grown corn in
five years. It's just high weeds. I'm
told it's really something, but the kid
I talked to, who gave me this scoop on
the promise that I wouldn't even hint
at their name, clever person that they
were, got pretty spooked: either Steve
really has a faulty motor somewhere or
someone was out there with a chainsaw.
November 01, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, have I got
a scoop for you! Tanya Mallory, local
aficionado extraordinaire, just gave me
a bowl of some of Dare's newest flavors,
and hoo boy, you've got to try these. I
didn't know my tongue even knew how to
taste that many oddball things at once.
That said, Happy Halloween! A day late
is better than never. I'm not sure who
it was, but I've been hearing rumors all
around town that someone went around and
placed a bunch of stone cat carvings all
over the place. What'd they do, cross
paths with a black one? Propitiation on
that scale seems a bit excessive, but
who am I to judge?
I've heard that Nancy's boy was found
out in the woods a few days back, after
being missing for a week. Just a few
scrapes and cuts, but please, folks, be
careful about those woods. Especially
the ones on the east bank.
On a much lighter note, it is my joy and
privilege to bring you yet another Kip-
scapade this week. Rumor has it that
our local book-loving, rainbow-haired
royalty left Crossroads in a hurry after
cozying up to Mr. Kip Kensington,
followed moments later by the Kip him-
self! Wonder what books THEY were going
off to love...
Don't forget, folks -- we've had our
First Snow celebrations, but we're still
keeping an eye out for the start of the
Frozen Bread Guy on the first deep snow,
and the forges at the town blacksmith's
workshop are getting a good, thorough
cleaning in prep for the work he and
his assistants will be doing all through
December.
November 08, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a lot of
kids at the hospital have had some magic
even past the night of Halloween itself.
I'm told our bunny-crazy duo, Haruki and
Itsuki, dressed up as a Pharaoh mummy
and, get this, an Egyptian god with
bunny ears, spent time down at Riverside
Hospital and a few other charities and
care facilities as volunteer entertain-
ment, doing magic tricks and, of course,
because why wouldn't they have them,
letting folks pet certified therapy
rabbits, which I'm told were also in
costume.
I don't know about you, but I sure hope
they had a lot of bunny pooper scoopers.
I've also heard tell that Mr. Haruki
there has been a very studious Apple
Queen down at Patterson Middle School as
well, having a contest for the best
apple-based diorama. Golden boy Logan
Brenner offered prizes to the winners.
No parents allowed.
Thankfully, it's turkey season here, and
mmm mmm mmmmm I'm looking forward to a
good, hot roasted bird with all the fix-
ings. Ann-Marie still won't give me her
gravy recipe, but as a little self-plug,
on top of what Amanda's already writing,
this is just a reminder that the paper
will be donating the proceeds of this
week's publication to the local homeless
shelter down in Fort Brunsett, so buy a
few! Heck, paper your walls with them,
or twist yourself up a good newspaper
log on the altar of good gossip. You've
all got gossip altars in your home, of
course. Don't you?
On a heavier note, I'm sad to say that
rumors of Old Man Jones were not in the
least exaggerated. He died as he lived:
hurtling through space as quickly as he
could, just waiting for a hard drop. I,
for one, will miss the old cuss. The
things he used to tell me about little
miss Bethesda Miller in her younger
years, well, they're too much even for
THIS paper to publish. Rest in peace,
Jones. I hope heaven's got a rocket
just for you
November 15, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, one of our
charming young men has found out, the
hard way, that black ice is no joke. You
have my sympathies, Jacob, and I hope a
broken coccyx doesn't slow you down. My
bet's still on you for hockey later this
Winter!
We're getting more snow, but the Frozen
Bread Guy committee says we aren't quite
ready for full freeze. Too soon to bake
our delicious gentlemen, but I'm told I
can expect a full run-down on when the
festival will start, as soon as weather
behaves itself.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but
come on, Mother Nature. Let it snow!
If we get a blizzard next week, you can
all blame me. I'll take the hate.
Speaking of hate, a little birdy tells
me that a certain young woman in a white
coat has been seen lurking outside of a
certain young man's bedroom window at
night, reciting poetry. The window
remains unmoved, but from all I've heard
of it, the poetry sounds good. Girl, you
should go and loiter outside Paul Gann's
place next. He could use a refresher, or
at least a bit of help, because Mandy's
about to stuff his quill pen down his
loving throat.
Last but not least, Haruki would like to
inform the world that rabbits are the
bee's knees.
November 22, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
dilemma: as you have all surely read in
the news section of the paper, SOMEone
has managed to burn down a chunk of our
best bookstore owner's shop, Homepage.
Now, police reports aside, I'm told that
a fair number of ladies have been seen
going in and out of the place in recent
days, and Mina sure hasn't been happy
with her affianced. Do we have a case
of jealous love on our hands, ladies and
gents? Or is this really the fault of
a faulty appliance?
I have my own ideas. What do YOU think?
Speaking of Mina, I've heard a few peeps
and chirps about a dance company down in
Boston. Break a leg, girly. Crack those
nuts well.
With this being published on good old
Thanksgiving and all, I'd like to list
the things I'm thankful for this year.
Only three of them, since Charlie won
the office bet.
I'm thankful for Mr. Roberts and his
wife, who never fail to give us some-
thing fun to gossip over when they show
up in the latest version of cutting each
other's hair. Lettie, I still say the
electric lemon banana curls beat out the
urchin spines. At least you could kiss
the guy without stabbing him!
I'm thankful for Clarice, for taking
over the Crossroads Cafe when Hazel had
to leave us all. The town needed a good
watering hole to mingle the old and the
weird in. I, of course, am neither old
nor weird, despite Tommy's courteous
efforts to walk me across the street.
Last but not least, I'm thankful to be
alive. Real talk, here. The world's a
messed up place, but we're doing some
good. I, for one, intend to keep on
doing it.
November 29, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we say good
bye to another old friend. Pepper Miller
was a good boy, and almost always did as
he was told. His owner, Fitch, paid me a
box of cinnamon candy purchased with his
own allowance to say so. Thank you, kid.
My dentist thanks you, too. He loves it
when I eat too much sugar.
December's just a day away, folks, and a
noisy day, at that. I was out along the
riverbank, tromping through the snow,
and clangity-clang clang went the hammer
at the blacksmith's place. He had a few
mighty fine assistants, too...
Pity they were all young enough to be my
sons. Sons, Blair. Not grandsons. I'm
not THAT old.
Eye candy value aside, if you haven't
planned a day to stop in for your iron,
there's a calendar at the town hall. I
hear a certain someone has been blocking
out his favorite days to chase people
down for the holiday choir there, too.
Samuel W. Lees, you should know better
than to ask folks in THIS town to sing.
Remember '72? I'm going to pretend I
don't, for the sake of remaining
twenty-mumble.
A local author got a bit of a kick out
of sweet eyefuls himself, it seems. I've
been given a peek at a book with some
very familiar characters on the cover,
and said author has a great admirer in
the one who gave it to me. To para-
phrase her letter, in her opinion, the
man must REALLY care about getting the
investigation right for all that work!
December 06, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have our
selves a nice little mystery. I've heard
from a few sources that a tall brunette
has been seen standing outside of folks'
homes, who skedaddles any time someone
takes notice of her. Anyone remember
setting out bait for Mothwoman?
On a lighter note, I hear tell there's a
party in the offing for the owner of the
paintball range, and from what the rumor
mill is telling me, booze will be in the
offing. Tempting. Very tempting. I'm
told the man hosting the thing's a tasty
morsel his own self.
Speaking of new folks, do you all recall
the Utridge crew earlier this year? Most
of them seem to have departed for parts
unknown, but my sources tell me miss
Olivia's been seen around. Where DID
they all go? Secret lab? Hidden baby?
If I hear the answer, folks, you'll be
the first to know!
I hear there was a bit of a to-do down
at the mall recently with some Silly
String(tm) and shaving cream. Best food
court entertainment in years. Sorry, Hal
just can't compete with Looney Tunes
style chase scenes and mall cops. The
teens responsible may not be quite as
entertained, once they've finished with
the community service the cops have
given them as punishment...
Also at the mall, while no one has been
able to peg who did it, we have a second
mystery this week: who beheaded Santa
Claus? An animatronic's rosy cheeks and
everything attached are missing as of
this week. I don't know about you, but
I'm awfully curious about just what the
culprit plans to do with a great big
bearded head in a hat.
December 13, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
little less than two weeks until Christ-
mas, and boy howdy are the decorating
committees a hive of busy busy bees.
Why, I heard from Mabel just the other
day that several of my sources had been
lying to me about who sold them the new
greenery swags they hung up on the Town
Hall. What is the world coming to, when
there's a black market for balsam fir?
June could tell you, but she's gone and
flown the coop.
That's right, ladies and gents: my one
and only gossip rival has decided to
make the big move down to balmy, sunny
Honolulu to live with her great-
grandson.
Junebug, which I say with love and
because you're going to be too far away
to smack me with your cane, you will be
missed. Sometimes.
Andy Johnson sure wishes the person(s)
responsible for vandalizing his hardware
store would start going missing. I heard
from a friend of his cousin's that just
the other week, someone twice used spray
paint all along the back wall to write
who only knows what language. Do we
have an enterprising young witch doing
spells in alleyways?
He did say it smelled like smoke...
December 20, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone has
decided on being a Grinch the week
before Christmas, and what a shame that
is. Why, one of my sources was walking
past Lost Treasures with her pooch, and
tells me the poor toy shop was totally
trashed. The nice policemen wouldn't
accept my questions, but anyone wanting
toys from the store will just have to
wait until they get the door put back up
in a frame that isn't busted.
In happier news, as I'm sure you've read
earlier in the paper, the parade this
weekend is expectd to go off without too
many hitches, and as someone who's been
listening to the kiddos practice, let me
tell you, you don't want to miss it. It
will be an experience you won't forget.
Possibly it will do permanent damage to
your retinas. Bring sunglasses.
Speaking of sunglasses...
I hear tell that we have ourselves a
Mysterious Stranger in town, who claims
to be a vampire, walks around with an
umbrella on a sunny day, and pesters
waitresses beyond endurance. They do say
he's a good tipper, however, even if it
doesn't make up for the rest. What do
you think? Cute goth or supernatural
predator of the night? If he's real, I
totally call dibs on being his Anne
Rice.
I don't know about you, but I'm loving
this heat wave, even if the Frozen Bread
Guy contest is getting pushed back again
until it stops raining. I'm thinking
I'll skip the raisins this year. My
bread guys keep getting eaten. Totally
inedible and rock solid is my goal this
year. Jan, try not to steal that one for
your Christmas bread this time around. I
already paid my dentist bills, and don't
want to go chipping a tooth on granite
masquerading as fruitbread. Point in
fact, let's make a night of it, and I'll
bring the booze to keep it loose!
December 27, 2018
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope we
all had an excellent Christmas, those of
us who celebrate it, and for all those
who don't, I hope the season's treating
you well. Don't worry. Getting drunk off
your patoot on New Year's Eve is a fine,
perfectly non-denominational holiday.
You still have time.
Emily Watt, however, does not have time.
No, our little Emily is, I'm told, going
to be grounded for the rest of her life.
Em, kiddo, you know it isn't safe to go
out at night on the river, especially at
this time of year.
Miss Esmeralda Hinklepuff, on the other
hand, is perfectly safe, behind thirteen
locks, twelve doors and a mysterious red
box.
My question is this: why lock your dolly
up so thoroughly? Do you expect her to
come to life, rise up from her shelf and
settle on your pillow to stare at you
while you sleep? Smiling, staring... On
second thought, I know exactly why you'd
want to lock her up.
As for me, the only things I've been
locking up lately are my coffee and bon-
bons. Henry, nice try on the file
cabinet. Next time you want to pilfer my
coffee beans, don't wear cologne if you
don't want me to guess you've been there
'borrowing' my delicious caffeinated
gold.
January 3, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone has
been a very naughty boy. I don't know
who did it, and neither do the cops if
sources are correct, but I hear tell the
New Year's Eve parties got mighty epic
out there on the mountain.
Mind, anyone within ten miles could see
as much themselves, given the size of
the fire they built up there...
Questionably lawful or not, whoever it
was left not a shred of easy evidence.
Not even trash. If I were the fire
chief, I've gotta say, that's the kind
of fire threat I'd like to see around
more often. No real damage, nothing
to clean up. No footprints, either,
which is the kicker.
Do we have ourselves some pyro ghosts?
Speaking of fire, don't forget to stop
by the town forge for your black iron,
if you haven't gotten it already. I
got myself a little birdy to hang up
over my door, and my, that little peep
peep peeper hasn't stopped all week.
Let's see if I can fit this all in...
The police are supposedly searching for
a large man who was running through the
streets on New Year's Day, starkers, to
question him for several piles of feces
left in public places. I'm told he was
a mighty hairy soul, except where every
one wanted it. Gotta say, I'm undecid-
ed, but I can feel my editor developing
hives at the thought of what else I
might say on the subject. I'll be good.
Two statues are missing from outside of
the Eastbank Savings & Financial Group
down by Patterson Bridge, with heaps of
glitter and broken glass left in t heir
place. Really? Broken glass? Come on,
people. That's not safe.
A drunk man at Alchemy swears, up and
down, that he saw an angel and a devil
sitting down to drink together with an
elf and a vampire. I don't know about
you, but I'd like to know just what it
was the man was drinking. I could use
a bit more excitement in my life.
Kidnappers, that is not permission to
come back.
January 10, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are past
the holiday hump a nd into the holiday
slump, at least until Valentine's Day.
Boys, let me tell you, chocolates get
old. Never bon-bons, but have you ever
tasted those stale things in the cheap
drug store boxes?
No offense meant, drug stores, but the
chocolate really is awful.
Then again, maybe I'm just spoiled.
The latest gossip THIS week is all about
local boy turned skiing phenom, Justin
Thyme. He's back from his latest tour,
and hoo boy, does he make me feel like a
slug out on the cross-country trails. A
few of the local farmers, Fry family
included, have opened up the fences on a
few of their farther pastures, and
there's a good long loop out there close
to the foot of Mount Salvation West. I'd
steer clear of the foothills, just in
case. The temperature fluctuations have
been playing merry hob with the rocks up
there, and the rockfalls aren't anything
to trifle with.
Our naked Running Man has been
identified, but he has personally asked
me not to put his name in the paper. He
also says that he was very, very drunk,
and that he used to have a pirate outfit
on until the talking frog told him to go
and kiss the princess in the river. I'm
told the princess is the one who asked
the man to strip to prove his love...
If I ever meet a princess and she asks
ME to chuck my clothes in a snowbank, I
don't know about you, but my answer will
be a firm, resounding, "Are you CRAZY?"
I've had a look-see down at the fancy
new convention center by the Patterson
Bridge, in other news, and all I've got
to say is: wow. Just, wow. That is one
impressive building. The owner took the
time to speak with me, for which I am
grateful, and if you haven't seen his ad
elsewhere in the paper, you should check
it out. Every room is different in that
place, and let me tell you, the kitchens
are to die for.
January 17, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are the
lucky recipients of the Hometown of Beca
Lynn award, awarded us by none other
than THE 7-year old Beca Lynn herself.
Beca, kid, let me be the first to say
how much I hope you rule with a kind and
wise fist when you someday gain control
of the planet. Read/watch a lot of
Spiderman in the meanwhile, with some
emphasis on that whole 'With great power
comes...' business.
Speaking of great responsibility, what I
want to know is who stole Ms. Mhurrain's
pet chinchilla. The great fluff caper
is ongoing in Classroom 102 down at the
Patterson Middle School. If anyone has
a lead on Mr. Sprinkles' whereabouts, we
here at the Tamarack Times will gladly
pass it along.
Watch out for falling snow -- and snow-
balls, for that matter. A little birdy
told me that a certain group of teenage
miscreants has been at it again, this
time with food coloring and glitter. Two
of our Town Councilors, Emily Watson and
Zeke Regan, have found that opening
their own front doors resulted in a snow
heap avalanche and a regrettable glitter
infection.
Mrs. Watson, who runs the local library
for those of you out of town, has very
specifically and clearly stated that, I
quote, she "wants those responsible for
the incidents to come forward and own up
to their poor judgement."
Mr. Regan, on the other hand, sends to
offer his congratulations and his admir-
ation for the juvenile culprits, and, I
paraphrase, his belief that they should
avoid climbing on other roofs for at
least a month given how much luck it
must have burned not to fall off of his
slate tiles and break their necks.
January 24, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, there are
officially three weeks until Valentine's
day. Hear that, Jack? Three.
If you, like the Mayor, have difficulty
counting to numbers higher than one, you
may enjoy the following nugget of wisdom
from Crossroads Cafe this week.
While we haven't heard about our bookish
darling in some time, we HAVE heard all
about local football wunderkind Simon
Desrochers. Sadly, while his team did
not make it into the Superbowl, his baby
brother has now made it into the paper!
See, Derek is a special boy. So special,
he is beyond the scope of traditional
arithmetic, as evidenced by his atypical
method of paying his bills... Word to
the wise: attempting to pass off a small
button mushroom as a quarter, while a
great idea in fairyland, doesn't work in
a real mortal business plan, no matter
how long your eyelashes are, or how much
practice you have at wielding them
against anything with estrogen.
The four-year old earnestly correcting
his efforts only added to the appeal.
Derek, you're cute. So's your girlfriend
of the week. I say this with a near-
stranger's love: if you start walking
the riverbank and weeping, I will per-
sonally find your mama and fill her in
on just what it is you did when you were
thirteen and a half.
Don't you love small towns?
January 31, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, brrr, is it
just me, or did someone thoroughly piss
off Old Man Winter?
On the bright side, no self-respecting
animals are going to be out in THIS
weather eating all the Bread Men buried
in the snow out there.
Plans for the Valentine's Day festival
are well under way, and not without
their own particular drama. Why, I heard
from three of my most fashionable
sources that the committee was actually
considering using flowers grown some-
where other than the Greengarden for the
floral wreaths and table decorations.
For shame, ladies (and Bill). For shame.
Bill, at least, has known conflict of
interest. I forgive him. Never Martha,
unless she agrees to let me add a secret
message on those candy hearts.
Speaking of which, what do you all think
about the Necco news? Terrible business,
that, not having Sweethearts for V-Day
2019.
What sayings would YOU put on the hearts
if you were the one in charge of writing
clever things?
I asked around the general store, and
here are my personal favorites:
"MY WAY" - Mindy Mayweather, Age 9
"SORRY" - George White, Age 40mumble
"NOW?" - Sara Sinski, Age 23
"FORGET ME NOT" - Mabel Joyce, Age 92
Mabel, who could possibly forget you?
February 07, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, our drought
has ended! At last, at last, we have
Kip Kensington back in our modest little
corner of the paper, and my, what a way
to end up back in print.
See, a reliable source informs me that
our judgement-impaired bookish darling
has done it again. If Mina isn't already
out of his life, she's sure to leave him
for THIS one: suffice it to say that
deeds of a conjugal nature were reported
between him and local gadget menace
'Widget' no-last-name.
Kip, Kip, Kip.
I thought better of you.
Mina, my condolences. If it helps, I'm
told, too, that a certain degree of
alcohol was involved in the incident.
Speaking of alcohol-fueled incidents,
if anyone spots a bizarre and very naked
tree out on the road to the Miller com-
pound, none other than Allen Miller him-
self, thoroughly be-rummed and grogged,
glittered and feathered, attempted to
perform a ritual to a newly devised and
arboreal god. This ritual, as I am
told, largely consisted of peeling the
bark off of his deity's foes.
Naked.
Allen is currently at Riverside Hospital
and is expected to make a full recovery
from hypothermia and frostbite to rather
personal places.
I hope his cheeks are as rosy as the new
bouquet of flowers on my desk...
Thank you, Jack. Now if only they were
red instead of sunny yellow.
February 14, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, romance is
in the air.
For some people, I'm sure they wish they
hadn't sniffed the roses...
Here's to Jonah Mitchelson, who learned,
only after filling his house with lovely
blossoms, that his affianced was deathly
allergic to half of his carefully dis-
played arrangements. Kelly, we promise,
he wasn't trying to kill you. He swears
by "the moon and the stars in the sky"
that he only wanted to show his love for
you, and has paid me $20 to not gag on
how sappy-sweet and over the top guilty
he feels about your anaphylactic shock.
Here, too, is to Selina Gorr, and to her
beloved puppy Chewchew, who with but one
adorable woof single-pawedly stopped the
traffic on Main Street for over ten min-
utes while Mrs. Gorr had hysterics over
the dog's costume...and how much of it
was glitter glue -- WET glitter glue, at
that, and thence all over the inside of
her Subaru.
I'm told the dog was a hit at Patterson,
though, once the glue had dried.
Last but not least, we have Mr. Jackson
and his charming wife Inatt, whose
re-dedication to their marriage will be
held the day this is published. If I
live to be a hundred and two, I want to
be someone's Inatt. You're adorable,
Mr. Jackson, and your wife is a very
lucky woman to have found you.
On a different sweet note, get your cart
ready at the mall, fellow chocaholics!
Tomorrow, the holiday will be over, and
the cheap chocolate sales will have
begun!
February 21, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I get to
talk about my favorites: love and pain!
I have to tip my metaphorical cap to Mr.
Hamilton, however, for going above and
beyond the call of booty. It's not just
any paramour who would climb up onto the
icy roof of his lover's home to retrieve
a monster of a Maine Coon, only to end
up in the hospital with seven stitches
from said beloved feline's claws.
Gentlemen, your bar has been set.
Rebecca Thorpe, now, has something else
for us to do with bars... Becca, I had
no idea one woman could pretzel herself
into so many different variations on a
heart. I only regret that I wasn't over
at Bill's to see it.
I'm told the bar's Facebook page has the
choice picks of the videos patrons took
of the event.
Speaking of events, thank you to all and
sundry for helping make the Warm Hearts
Festival a success. Kara asked me to let
you all know that, over the entirety of
the festival, the town raised $3,554 for
local shelters and charities for kids at
Riverside Hospital.
Reliable rumor-generator Haruki was
noted as a frequent volunteer, wearing
heart deely-boppers and feathered wings,
while teaching origami and infecting the
world with glitter. As several people
have told me, he was sadly bemoaning his
single state, so if you want a little
Japanese magic, folks, sounds like he's
available!
Now for some fun! A little birdy tweets
that the '80s Karaoke Night down at
Alchemy was THE place to be, including
such highlights as:
* Haruki and Itsuki (magicians) dressed
as characters from Cats (the musical)
* Damion King (boxer, gym owner) sing-
ing "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor
* Widget (aforementioned gadget menace)
singing "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns
N' Roses
* Zillah Grimes (of tea shop fame) with
Depeche Mode's "Behind the Wheel"
* Poppy Devereux as Joan Jett
* Carter Logan (THE Carter Logan) with
Motörhead's "Orgasmatron" who, I am
told, quite stole the show.
Gotta say, if anyone wants lessons in
anything musical, this area's a good one
to live in, as many performers as we
have around here. I'm not complaining!
February 28, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, believe it
or not, we're getting closer to Spring.
Trust me, I have the gardening catalogs
to prove it. I don't know how much money
THEY think I earn writing this column,
but it's sure not enough to buy the bulb
collections I've been drooling over!
Now, if only they'd invent a cold-hardy
ixia...
Still, for those of you who want your
floral fix, I'm told the greenhouses up
at the Greengarden Nursery will be open
to the public as of March 1st. I'll be
there, dreaming of being young again and
capable of kneeling in the dirt for hour
upon hour without creaky knees...
I am glad to say that I'm not the only
one getting old in this town, as Charlie
can attest. Or can he? Char, you know
I love you, but this is the price you
pay for coming over every Tuesday night
and slurping up my noodles.
See, Charlie here swears up and down he
never forgets a thing. He has a mind
like a steel trap, or like an elephant,
or like the Prototype Series 1000 Term-
inator, but hopefully with less melting
in a vat of molten who knows what.
Far be it from me to call out a friend
in a paper read by thousands of people
across multiple cities, but burning my
family-famous lasagna, my pot holder, my
kitchen curtains and half of my freshly-
painted, brand new kitchen cabinets to a
black and stinky crisp deserves some
public laughter. Folks, don't you worry
about me. Or Char. He redeemed himself
by calling in the firefighters, and by
baking me a consolation pie with extra
apology strawberries on it.
Moral of the story: friends are the ones
you can trust to burn your house down,
and they smell better than an elephant.
Really, with a name like 'Char' I should
have known better...
March 07, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it's time
to start dreaming of Spring! Mind you,
that's dreaming of it, not actually see-
ing it any time soon.
I had a dream. It was a simple one, and
inexpensive. See, it doesn't cost a lot
of money for young men to slow down when
driving motorbikes down muddy dirt roads
with lines of hikers on the verge. Jake
Nielssen, I hope you enjoyed your trip
up Salvation. Mrs. Sally and the eighth
grade class of Patterson Middle School
would have enjoyed their field trip a
whole lot more if they weren't covered
in frigid slimy muck for half the walk
up the mountain.
On a happier note, thank you, Elizabeth,
for showing us your rock. I hope you see
only the best through the hole in it.
I used to collect pebbles, myself, from
the banks of the River Tam. White
quartz was a favorite, and anything
with stripes. Maggie Whinsom could have
used a bit more 'stripe' herself, from
what I hear. Mags, doing a polar dip is
one thing, but doing a polar /bare/
instead of a polar /bear/ is something
else...
Look on the bright side. You sure got
Captain Kenny's attention. Speaking of
which, welcome home, soldier. Just wish
it didn't have to happen under these
circumstances. My condolences for your
pa.
March 14, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, let's get
our green on! Saint Patrick's Day is a-
coming, and we all know what that means:
beer!
That's right. The amount of food colour
we're all going to be drinking over the
next week is obscene, but it will be oh,
so good. I have been bribed by the 'I
Feel Hoppy' microbrewery to gossip about
how delicious they are, but I have to
admit, while their beers are good for a
beer, or an ale, I'm more of a tasty
chocolate bonbon and glass of wine kind
of girl.
Sorry, Junior. Old Jack and I go way
back. You owe him $20 for that one. He
bet you'd bring me the wrong bonbons,
and he was right.
Speaking of beer, a little birdy tells
me that a certain blue-haired somebody
was seen walking along the banks of the
Tam late last night, singing drunken
pirate ballads and strumming a guitar. I
am a kind woman, and won't name names,
but you know who you are. So does half
of YouTube at this point.
Your cousin wasn't so kind.
My editor promises he'll make it up to
you another time, readers, but I have a
smaller word limit than usual thanks to
the news segment. Check Channel 10 for
more details.
March 21, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
strange one, folks. While I can under-
stand the urge to acquire sweet things,
being a reasonable human being, I am not
about to lumber into Sweet Treats,
commandeer four gallon tubs of caterer's
honey, intimidate the duty manager and
knock over jars of preserves on my way
out.
If anyone sees a very sticky one-armed
woman around, keep your honey close, and
the telephone number of the local cops
closer.
That said: we've been waiting for what
seems like forever, but it is finally,
blessedly, SPRING!
Ignore the snow. Just pretend it isn't
there. I have paper flowers in the
windows thanks to our copy-editor's
niece Janine, and I am going to turn on
all of the lights, spray some Glade air
freshener, and pretend I'm in a sunny
garden.
Soon. Soon, the Mrs. Evelyn Miller
Memorial Gardens will be greening, and
I can stop giving myself perfume head-
aches.
Randall knows all about those, now,
doesn't he? Kid, word to the wise: if
you want to dress up like your mom, try
waiting to use the perfume until you can
ask her which ones cost more than your
entire Summer allowance mowing lawns. I
love the polka dots on the flip-flops,
however, and your talent at doing brows
by far exceeds my own. Talk to Lou and
Bang Bang down at Crops and Bobbers some
time. You're almost old enough to be a
part-timer, and they'd be lucky to have
you.
March 28, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I must put
a particular set of rumors to bed, and
they are not, alas, going in mine.
No, my lovely readers, I am not dating
our inestimable Mr. Kensington. He is an
adorable disaster, and I'd far prefer to
write about those than live them.
Just who IS he dating, these days, we
wonder?
Kip aside, I hear there's more than a
bit of romance in the air for Mr. Lewis
and former high school beauty queen Miss
Rosario. When I hit sixty, I hope a man
is still willing to serenade me on a
banjo in the middle of the street, John.
Lira's a lucky woman.
I'm told we have a bit of feline romance
in the air as well... Some kitty-cat
Lothario out there is serenading, and by
serenade we mean yowling at, lady cats
all down Main Street the past week, but
despite their best efforts, volunteer
cat controllers have yet to locate the
amorous animal.
Last but not least, this week marks the
twentieth anniversary of badgering our
beloved Mayor, Jacques Bonheur, into
becoming our Mayor in the first place.
Here's to you, Jack.
April 04, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, SOMEone has
sure been busy out there in the forests.
Hikers from tour groups are a-twitter
over the weird art popping up along the
trails. Someone's been taking inspir-
ation from the Alebrijes, in my opinion,
and if not, I'd like to know what they
were smoking, because the mind that
made that many bizarre rainbows must be
quite the place to be.
For those of us eagerly awaiting the
first hints of green on the mountain-
sides, we're in luck. The weather guys
say we're getting a string of warmer
days and nights, and the Frozen Bread
Guy contest may finally have a date for
checking out the winners! Just don't go
eating any. You don't know which critter
peed on that...
The ladies at the Evelyn Miller Memorial
Gardens have asked me to let you all
know that they are paying attention to
the distribution of illegally deposited
cigarette butts on the benches, and will
let us all know if butt-augury becomes a
valid method of predicting the future.
Yes. I typed that in a paper. Some days
I really love my job.
April 11, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
delightful influx of tourists to thank
for the success of the April Fling. Mrs.
Ethel Maine-Cordenstone and Miss Susanne
Rosario-Ramirez literally took the cake,
this year, and may their arguments ever
end up with both parties sweetened by
dessert.
I'm sure the dry cleaner will be able to
get most of that out.
On a different note, it sounds like our
very own Kidd Starr has 'starred' (I'm
sure that joke will never get old, Kidd)
in his last internship, and is ready for
a congregation of his own. Reverend
Starr, may you age like a fine wine and
have the wisdom not to repeat past
mistakes. I forgive you for my tulips.
Mostly.
Your friend Robert, however...
Bobby Whittlepin, your mama would be
rolling in her grave if she knew you were
the one responsible for getting coffee on
the school's piano. It's a good thing
for you that nobody delivers this column
to the local cemetery for the ghosts.
April 18, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
that SOMEone has been ordering seeds
galore. What in the world would anyone
want with that much mustard? I wouldn't
have known if it weren't for the loose
packaging. Boxes these days. What's
with having the delivery guy leave them
on the side of the road in, too?
Seems we have a newcomer up to all sorts
of odd things, but beyond that they tend
to involve animals, I haven't been told
yet. Stay tuned, folks, for next week's
edition.
Speaking of...
Next week is the official Frozen Bread
Guy celebration, and I've got my eye on
a few potential winners. I'll let you
know next week if my guesses were
correct! Mary-Sue, you already know, so
hush that mouth or I won't share my bon-
bons.
I WILL share that I've heard a few of
our more rebellious youths chatting
about a new gang in the city. Something
with fire and snowflakes, and marks
painted in improbable places. How they
got to the bottom of Stagbridge is
beyond me. We haven't had much gang-
related violence out here in a dog's
age, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Fort Brunsett police are cautioning
folks to keep an eye out for the artist
responsible for the graffiti involved.
Please report to them, not me, though if
you wanted to share anything especially
juicy, I wouldn't say no...
April 25, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I get to
tell you all that I have misjudged my
raisins.
That's right. My guess for the Bread
Guy was completely wrong. Itsuki, I
am sorry to have doubted your ability
to bake a man-sized loaf that not
even the deer would want to molest
over the winter.
Clearly, the bar is set for next year
and the recipes for THAT season. Who'd
have thought baking inedible bread would
be a GOOD thing?
The source of the odd animal-based
rumors has been located: a tall, dark
skinned man has been responsible for
two traffic jams and a whole flock of
Instagram posts over the past couple
of weeks, and here are just a few of
the reasons why:
1. He ministers to dog congregations in
the park to reassure them that they
are all good boys and girls.
2. He lets those dogs pretend to be
parrots on his shoulders while he
sings lullabies to feeding ducks.
3. He catches fish only to teach the
scaly things tips and tricks to
avoid being caught in the future.
4. As the photos on the internet can
already attest, he eats picnics with
bears...
I'm told that he also went up to Four
Hills in search of, no joke, a bat
named Eustace to help it find its farm.
I don't know about you, but the funny
farm is where I'd be leaning toward
at that point.
If anybody knows the guy, point him my
way. I've got some groundhogs he could
talk out of my tulips.
May 02, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, our beloved
local loonies have done it again. By all
I saw across the river, the Lefevre fam-
ily's Beltane celebrations yesterday
were as enthusiastic and prone to ineb-
riation as always.
The real question for me is this: was
the booze strong enough to get Cam up on
a stump somewhere to play for us? Kid,
you had so much potential. It's a crying
shame to hide that light under a padlock
and a three-factor authentication system
so complex that even you can't figure it
all out.
Speaking of mysteries, try this one on
for size: between the hours of 2:00PM &
4:00PM, a swarm of spiders invaded the
Lethbridge Library. Creepy much? No one
has noticed anything else amiss, and no
one is quite sure how, or why, they
swarmed like that.
On a similar note, I've heard a lot of
folks discussing extra rats in the town
lately. Five people reported finding
the furry buggers sitting outside on the
windowsill until shooed off, and that's
just the ones willing to come have a cup
of coffee and a chat.
I have my guesses as to who the insti-
gator was, and that Rainbow Brite look-
a-like who runs the Rising Sun Tourneys
should watch out -- I hear tell that a
strange man and a dog were out there at
the stables after business hours, talk-
ing to the horses about revolting. My
friend's friend says he didn't have the
luck he wanted, though, since all the
horses are still snug as a bug in a rug
out in the stable.
May 09, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Haruki, I
promise it wasn't me this time. We've had
reports of rabbity garden pests going
missing at an oddly rapid rate, and no
one's quite sure why. If anybody sees a
very fat-looking flock of hawks or eagles
out there somewhere, let us know!
Otters have been the draw lately, and the
tourism committee is on the ball. In case
you haven't seen them yet, you can buy
your very own 'You Otter Come Back to TF'
t-shirts. Mindy, I know the otter is
supposed to look like it's having fun,
but I've got to say, the bottle in its
hand needs a much clearer label... Is it
a beer or a soda? I could use some wine,
myself. 'Otter' go by the general store
when I'm done writing, to drink away the
puns...
Now, I know what you're going to say.
"Enid," you'll tell me, "you just said
you needed to drink away puns," but these
were given to me by an adorable, hard-
dealing five year old who won a bet about
that odd man and his ducks, and a promise
is a promise. See this, Elise? Payment
rendered. Your jokes have now been shared
with the world.
* What do you call a dinosaur that is
sleeping? (A dino-snore!)
* Why did the student eat his homework?
(Because the teacher told him it was a
piece of cake!)
* How does a scientist freshen her
breath? (With experi-mints!)
* Why can't Elsa have a balloon? (Because
she'll let it go.)
You're welcome.
May 16, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, preparation
for the week-long Memorial Day festival,
and the 'fall-side ceremony to celebrate
and honor the fallen, is well underway.
Veterans are being asked to offer their
opinions and to vote on possible options,
but we all know Marilyn's blueberry-rasp-
berry-marshmallow puffed rice desserts
will win. Who can say no to sugary fruit
and crunch-sticky stars?
In news less likely to make dentists feel
needed, I hear tell a certain pirate club
owner had a sartorial slip the other day.
Is she joining the ranks of her employees
up on the stage, or does she just really
want the world to know about her panty
preferences? The 'KISS ME' on the cheeks
was so much sassier than I expected. Miss
Black, may your depths remain unplumbed
and further mysteries fully clothed.
A friend of a friend of a friend's third
cousin's lawyer's uncle's fifth brother
claims to have heard from Carter Logan's
own lips that he intends to go back into
show business. Is this true? Will the
golden voice return to the stage? I have
my doubts, but you, my rabid readers,
have all the time in the world to hunt
him down and find the truth.
Personally, if we're going for childhood
vocal heroes, I'd have to toss a zombie
Beatles reunion into the hat. Anybody
know a good necromancer with reasonable
rates?
May 23, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, thanks to a
VERY vocal discussion in Crossroads Cafe,
I have been wheedled into including a,
shall we say, more educated (read: nerdy)
series of jokes. Elise's brother, in case
you haven't met him, is going to be a
lawyer some day. Michael, I expect to see
your name on TV when I'm aged and
decrepit.
* What does a dyslexic, agnostic insom-
niac spend most of his time doing?
(Staying up at night wondering if
there really is a dog.)
* What do you say when you're comforting
a spelling nut?
(There, their, they're...)
* What do you get when you put root beer
into a square glass? (Beer!)
* Descartes walked into a bar and the
bartender asked him, "Would you like a
drink?"
"I think not," Descartes said, before
vanishing.
Contract fulfilled, kiddo. I'll expect a
lemonade next time, as promised.
Speaking of sour things, if you haven't
had a chance to check out Betsy Winnet's
thunder-juice, I highly recommend it. I
also recommend having something nearby to
take the taste out of your mouth. Betsy,
I have no idea what you put in that juice
of yours, but kudos to you for finding a
way to beat even the Warhead candies I
love so well.
Now, if only she would explain just why
she calls it THUNDER juice...
May 30, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the town
has endured its fair share of tie-dyed
bovines and Pink Mystery ice cream. Fry
family fun, I will have you know, has
resulted in my tastebuds crying for
mercy in the very best of ways. Kudos,
cow-runners.
It wasn't only MY tastebuds rising up in
revolt against their delicious invaders,
either. Why, Melissa Maybell of Channel
6 fame ran through the tents so fast, I
thought her tail was on fire. Live and
learn: you can move surprisingly quickly
in a pencil skirt and three-inch heels.
Pink Peppercorn ice cream, as an aside,
is best enjoyed by those whose tongues
have already given up on life and res-
igned themselves to torture by fire.
There were some adorable moments,
however, and the run itself went very
well. Figures are still being tallied
up, but it sounds like the local shelter
groups will be getting at least a few
thousand dollars. Speaking as someone
who may or may not be stoned out of my
home some day, please continue to sup-
port your local homeless shelters. It's
a rough world out there, and there are a
lot of folks who just need a hand to get
them back up on their feet.
June 06, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the cows
have passed, and we have ducks to look
forward to! Keep an eye on the sky next
week, folks, and get yourself and your
kids down to the River Tam, just south
of the Miller lumber yard. If anyone
still needs to register their duckapult,
the safety inspectors will be holding
meetings at the Town Hall every day, by
appointment and walk-in.
Jeremy Thatcher has asked me to let you
all know that he lost his first tooth on
his birthday, eating cake.
His mother would like me to let you know
that the cake his tooth fell off in was
not his.
Betty, my condolences, but look on the
bright side: the tooth stayed in the
family!
Getting old, which I most certainly am
not doing, means that I have a lot more
tooth-loss than birthday cakes to look
forward to. Jeremy, when your new
chompers grow in, take good care of
them. You only get new ones once.
June 13, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the ducks
are flying, and I don't mean the kind
our hunters can have fun shooting. I can
hear the trebuchets thwacking, honking
and tooting from my living room window,
and I've got to say, for as long as I've
lived here, I don't think I have ever
heard a 'symphony' of trebuchet-flingers
as diverse as this year's composition.
Mayor Jack is on the judging committee
this year, so bring him lots of bonbons,
folks, as bribes. You can leave them
with me.
He might get one or two...
Speaking of going missing, Brigitte Yves
was talking just the other day about her
pies disappearing from her windowsill. I
don't want to point fingers, covered in
blueberries or not, toward a few young
culprits I may or may not have seen
chortling in the woods, but an apology
seems in order, ladies, doesn't it?
All Miss Yves asks is that you bake pies
to replace the ones you pilfered, and to
pay her back for the time you stole with
your own pastry pilfering.
June 20, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've been
wondering: is it just me, or have we had
a raging case of LARP? As older readers
may not know, a LARP is a Live Action
Role-Playing game, where people dress up
like fairies and hairy Conan the Desper-
ately needs a Barber-ian to play out
stories. In public. Where people can
see them.
When I was younger, make-believe didn't
have quite as many rules...
Or actual swords.
I'll grant them this: my younger self
didn't have quite as many steamy men and
women in those oddball outfits, either.
Clyde, your mother named you well, and if
you ever brag about hefting me up over
your head, tell everyone I weighed twenty
pounds less!
Now, I've heard the Ladies' Gardening
Group has lost a fair amount themselves,
through healthy living and good exer-
cise out on the mountain. Kudos, ladies!
I'd join you, but I think I've strained
my everything. Bonbons at home are call-
ing my name.
Anyone else still finding ducks in places
no one should be finding ducks?
June 27, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm here to
bring you word of a mighty "sticky" situ-
ation. Get it? Sticky? Captain Owens
sure did, when he sat down on a bench his
daughter had just spilled her soggy candy
and bubble gum all over.
I'm told a little vinegar or dish soap is
good for getting that out of fabric, but
as for the adorable little girl snapping
a picture of her daddy's ass and posting
it on Facebook? That you'll have to deal
with on your own.
Now, a little birdy tells me that someone
has been being naughty down on Apple Tree
Lane. Mrs. Belwether has forcefully asked
me to request that the individual, or
individuals, who persist in leaving apple
cores in her streetside gardens use the
public trash bin further down the road.
Speaking of food that attracts pests, I'm
mighty glad I live up here in town. The
local animal control authorities are
mystified, and I am, too, by how many of
the rats they're finding lately have had
numbers dyed into their fur.
Is someone out there doing science? Are
the rats out to get us? Billy, you let
us know up here. We'll stay good and far
away.
The plans for the Independence Day celeb-
rations are well underway, on a happier
note, and businesses all down Main Street
are reporting gossip as usual. I'll be
back with more next week!
July 04, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, my gloating
is catching up to me. Anyone have a Pied
Piper we could borrow? The rat problem is
only getting worse, though as we've all
heard on the news, the little beasties do
seem to have a clean bill of health.
Whatever else they're here to do, spread-
ing a plague isn't on the agenda.
I'm told we've had a plague of fireworks
accidents, instead, but don't you worry,
folks. I was getting my third morning
coffee down at the Crossroads Cafe, and
what do I see but two sets of parents
frog-marching teenagers up toward the
deputy fire and police station for none
other than setting off all those explo-
sions you all were asking about the
night before last. Case closed! For
legal reasons, I can't disclose the
names of those involved, but I CAN say
that one of the boys was wearing white
boxers with bright red hearts on them,
and really should have pulled his pants
up higher. We didn't need to see the
cut-outs.
Deputy, you have my sympathies. If you
want the ladies of the town to go around
with hats for charitable contributions
toward the acquisition of suitable belts
and undergarments for use at the station
there, you just give us the word.
July 11, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told I
was sexist, and I apologize. The men of
the town are, of course, entirely welcome
to go around asking for money to buy new
undergarments for delinquent teens, and
so is any gender in between.
Remember Milly? Probably not, since the
little furball ran away almost a year ago
today, but believe it or not, I'm told by
her owner that the collie just showed up
at her door, filthy but bright-eyed.
Hopefully she stays there, this time, and
Nancy, if you need a number for a good
landscaper to put up a higher fence, you
know my number.
According to the ladies down at Bill's,
this week was a bumper crop for dog-
related incidents. There have been two
runaways, a broken hip due to a purple-
dyed poodle, which we really should come
back to in a debate over cruelty to eyes
at some point, and, last but not least, a
doggy play date has resulted in painted
paw-prints all over the sidewalk down on
South Main after the furry miscreants
escaped their leads, knocked over a can
of paint and sprinted out to play 'chase'
down the street.
Speaking of animals and paint, why, I was
at lunch with Lou and Bang Bang just the
other day and heard that SOMEone has been
out there painting ninjas on the sides of
buildings. The town hall got a hippo in a
tutu, Crops and Bobbers has a pair of
lovebirds flinging ninja stars, and a few
other readers have come up to report cows
and sheep, a frog, and a particularly
mean-looking pixie scattered about the
town. I went out to see them myself, and
whoever this artist is, they're wasted on
tagging buildings. The calligraphy on the
slogans alone is gorgeous. Now if only I,
or any of my sources, spoke Japanese...
July 18, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am pleased
to say that we have had an outpouring of
translators willing to step up to the
task of reading ninja graffiti.
Now, in no particular order, my lovely
readers, this is what we've got:
* The potato is watching you.
* Big is big.
* Love the star killer.
* Fear the root-veggie of war.
* Dinosaurs aren't clever.
* Kickbox the snake plane.
* Taste the rainbow.
What does any of that mean? Heck if I
know, but the police are mighty curious
about the identity of the one who did it
all.
In other news, what's this I hear about
you swearing off of coffee, Jimmy? Why,
half the business at the Crossroads Cafe
comes from you and your addiction. What's
that nice young lady going to do? I've
been informed by an anonymous source with
excellent orange cake that you'll be
trying tea to make you feel younger. Let
me know if it works. I could lose a few
decades myself.
Speaking of losing things, someone has
been leaving glitter trails all over the
mountain up on Salvation West, the ranger
crew tells me, and hanging little "fairy
houses" too, but so far the only things
living in them are spiders and bird poo.
July 25, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we should
all be thankful to a group of anonymous
hikers and their dog. It hasn't hit the
news yet, I'm proud to say, but yesterday
evening, John Wellenby was taking a drive
up Salvation East to celebrate his wife's
fifth deathday when a tree fell on his
car. Darn near crushed him, and it DID
smash the antique end table in the trunk,
but with no cell service, he was up there
for four hours. John, with your hip, I
don't blame you for waiting, but at least
we all know Mabel would still has a good
sense of humor. I'll bet you a $20 that
it's her spirit that knocked that tree on
down. She never did like that table.
With that in mind, John has also asked me
to ask you all: anyone good at carpentry
want to risk Mabel's ire and put that
table back together?
I've got another odd bit of gossip for
you, and this one's a pickle. We all know
and love, or don't, the squirrels at this
time of year, but is this some sort of
regional squirrel holiday we weren't
aware of? I've had half a dozen readers
come up and say they've been finding
squirrels crawling in all manner of
places. Buildings with interesting roofs
seem to be their favorites. It's not
even Autumn yet -- why are they in such
a hurry to hide their nuts?
Mrs. Pennythistle has a similar question
for the gentleman callers she has seen
entering, and leaving, a neighbor's home
the past few nights...
August 01, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the public
has asked me to inform you all that the
individual responsible for driving past
the homes on Miller Road at 2am blaring
extraordinarily loud and thumping music
has been soundly chastised by the Miller
grannies for waking their grandbabies.
Millers, try Avalon. She's the tea witch
Lefevre down on Main. If anyone can give
that driver a good cursing, she can.
I'm told a certain teenager was "cursing"
a few people yesterday morning, too... A
certain pair of red Converse sneakers was
found dangling from the laces on a power
line. Note: these were not the decrepit,
ancient shoes worn by our favorite Kip
Kensington of Homepage Books. These were
in good shape, until the pigeons pooped
inside them.
Little Tommy Mayer would like everyone to
know that he lost his toy RC plane flying
it over the cliff by the waterfall. His
mama's docking his allowance until he can
buy his big brother a new plane, but he'd
like all the rock climbers out there to
know that he'll pay them in weeding or in
yardwork, or household chores, with which
he has a great deal of experience, if
they'd be willing to climb down and fetch
the plane from the rock it landed on.
What do you say, climbers? Feel like a
refreshing slip and slide down moss-slimy
rocks beside a waterfall?
If you go, let me know, because I want to
be there to take pictures. That'd be one
for the record books.
August 08, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have some
good news from John Wellenby. Strange,
but good. Remember the tree that crushed
his car a couple weeks back? Remember his
request for aid in putting Mabel's table
back together? Well, somebody did, and it
is better than ever, but his mysterious
benefactor wouldn't give a name, and John
says it was the oddest thing -- all they
wanted was a rose from John's garden in
payment, fully bloomed, from his ma's old
bush out back.
Have we gone and turned into the Vermont
variant of Beauty and the Beast while I
wasn't looking?
Just in case, be careful about little old
ladies needing help...and no, Timmy, I am
oldER, but I am not old. Give me twenty
years, at least, so I can complain about
not doing sky-diving enough in my future
retirement.
Speaking of being kind, I hear tell that
the old church roof has sprung a leak. A
whopping big one, from what I'm told. The
A town historian, who will remain
nameless at his request, has asked me to
remind you all that the historical value
of our local structures is incalculable,
and that future generations would thank
us if we could scrape the lint out of our
pockets. Donations are at an all time
low.
On a happier note, Margaret, you dog!
When you said you'd lost 30 pounds while
you were down in Mississippi from having
that tape worm, I admit, I didn't believe
it. Now, lose those pants, next, and this
time, don't lose them in public.
August 15, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get to
learn all about the joys of having ears
that work as nature intended. See, Abel
McKinney has lived beside Mupan and Ling
for forty years, and for twenty years,
Abel's wife Mary-Anne has been nagging
him, as you've no doubt heard, to get his
ears checked.
Well, he finally did.
I was getting a coffee the other day, out
on the sidewalk and chatting with friends
about nonsense, and what do I hear but an
angry Abel going on and on to the police
deputy about noise, noise, noise, day in,
day out, from the neighbors next door. He
can't handle the drumming, the loud music
and games.
Abel, I've been asked by Mary-Anne to
tell you one thing: I told you so.
Here's another little item for you: who's
the little litterbug leaving plastic
garbage all over the river? It's been a
hot, hot week, and we've had half a dozen
reports from locals and tourists alike of
laundry detergent bottles, soda bottles,
water bottles, all strung together or
with toothpicks poked into their sides,
caught in the nets under the bridges.
As always, if you hear anything about it,
you know where to bring the gossip.
August 22, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am happy
to say that the mystery of the river-side
litterbug has been solved. As it turns
out, little Andrew Altin has been getting
into his mother's recycling bins at night
and playing Armada out on the water with
his friends, whose names were redacted at
Andrew's request, because he was the
Captain and he should go down with his
ship.
Andrew, kid, I salute your dedication. I
also understand that your mother will
consider public service at the boat dock
a suitable punishment.
Speaking of punishment and the river, we
heard from the police about it all, but I
went down to check the pylon with my own
peepers and hoo boy, that bridge is going
to be closed a good long while. For those
of you who aren't local, the Millers are
the town founders, and they run a logging
operation up the north side of the river,
small time. Somehow, a log managed to get
knocked free of the Mill Pond by their
place, and floated its way downriver. It
did a number on part of Northbridge, and
what is that going to mean for us, my
readers?
Traffic.
We can only be grateful this all happened
before prime leaf peeper season, but you
all know how quickly the trees turn here.
Why, I saw some red leaves just the other
day while I was out walking with friends.
I heard tell from a nice construction
gentleman that they estimate repairs will
take at least three weeks. Hope South-
bridge can handle the tourist traffic!
August 29, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I bring you
news of the blind leading the lame. Mrs.
Hampton's old retriever, Samwise, is a
good old boy, but he's been blind since
birth. Half-deaf at this age, too, but
as she tells it, why, he took one gander
at the geese along the river bank and
charged right on in, with Mrs. Hampton,
perforce, attached. She says they're
both okay, no one was injured, but she's
going to be keeping a closer eye out for
feathered fiends, because she could swear
those geese were laughing at them both.
I don't know about you, but at his age, I
think I'd be taking any opportunities for
fun that I could get. That does bring up
the question: do dogs have bucket lists?
From what I've been able to gather, the
Millers sure do. My sources tell me that
a certain Mr. Miller was overheard saying
he'd like to have the head of whichever
miscreant damaged his mill pond in one. I
have heard of heads on a platter, but
heads in a bucket? That's new.
I'm sure you'll be hearing it on the news
tonight, too, but my one and only
question for the perpetrator is this: why
a bear coat? Staying far enough from the
cameras to keep it blurry was just smart,
but bears don't use chain-cutters.
Johnny Miller's offering a reward to any-
one who can help the family find the
perpetrator.
Speaking of perpetrators... Thank you,
anonymous survey-writer, for amusing our
tourists. In case you didn't come across
any examples before town authorities took
them down, readers, let me share with you
a small handful of the questions tourists
found themselves asked:
* Do you find Tamarack Falls A) boring
as all get-out, B) lost in the past,
C) depressingly far from the mall, or
D) full of nincompoops (good word use)
and nitwits?
* If your car is going to get stuck in a
place with no cell reception, where do
you think you'll be? A) on a road in
the middle of town, B) at the top of a
mountain surrounded by people whose
phones work just fine, or C) lost in a
farm full of maple trees, surrounded
by witches?
* Which festival is the most annoying?
A) apples, B) pumpkin, C) more apples,
or D) even more apples?
My answers, needless to say, are C, C,
and how can you not like apples?
September 05, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I would like
to thank the mysterious stranger who sent
me this darling little card. The message
inside of it is, regrettably, unprintable
even with convenient asterisks, so I will
not be able to share the details with the
public, but my little birdies tell me I'm
far from the only one to have received
one. Drunken cats on all of them, and all
of them hand drawn. Kudos, stranger. You
have some talent, and one heck of a
mouth on you.
The Game Warden, too, has quite the swear
jar-worthy vocabulary. Missy Lewis says
she heard him swearing up a blue streak
the other day after getting back to his
hut to find a crate full of rotting fish,
stinking the place up. A note was pinned
to it, too, to apologize for catching the
fish out of season.
In happier news, welcome back to school,
kids! I know it doesn't seem like it now,
but one day, you'll look back on these
years and wonder why you ever wanted to
grow up...unless you're a certain 8 year
old I spoke to this past week, who wants
the her big brother and his girlfriend
to know that they weren't nearly quiet
enough about their nocturnal adventures,
and that she found a pair of smiley-face
panties under the couch cushions.
Her prices to return them are negotiable.
For full disclosure, I have been paid two
chocolate and cinnamon bonbons to say so.
What are your plans for this school year,
kids? What do you want to see your
teachers teach? Let me know! You may end
up in the paper.
September 12, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, your votes
are in. We here at the Tamarack Times
have all taken a look-see at what the
children wrote, and here are the top ten
requests for teachers from grades 4-12:
* Ninja Class (Samson, age 10)
* How To Fly (Del, age 11)
* Superhero Lessons (Mariah, age 11)
* How To Endure Siblings (Ted, age 14)
* How To Paint It Black (Blake, age 16)
* The Effects Of Cow Farts (Amy, age 13)
* Nap Period (Melinda, age 18)
* Comparative Fishing (Jason, age 15)
* Matrix Code (Emilia, age 17)
* How To Be A God (Renbo, age 9)
Alright, teachers. You have your lesson
goals. Get crackin'!
Speaking of school, I have some hot
gossip from Patterson Middle School, this
week. It seems that nail polish has
become a source of contention among gangs
of students in different Houses. See, the
girls and boys alike decided on House
Colors after a poll last week, and this
week, I'm told there have been three
locker fights, two swirlies and a half
dozen arguments about girls AND boys who
wore the wrong colors to school.
Kids, may the color of your fingernails
remain the biggest problem in your lives.
Also, watch out. I went to high school
with your Principal, and he's a tough guy
to convince.
Following the colorful trend, I hear that
some congratulations are in order, Bobby!
Marilyn down at the bait shop says you
caught yourself a record-setting rainbow
trout. Just don't let that shark in the
lake eat it.
For that matter, I'd avoid the lake at
the moment, period. How on earth would
a shark that size GET there?
September 19, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I be talking
like a sea-dog rapscallion, yarrr. Happy
Talk Like A Pirate Day, folks! Seems like
someone was getting into the spirit a bit
early: I heard on the grapevine that a
silver chalice had been stolen from the
North Cathedral just the other day, right
out from under the noses of the priests.
Now, I don't condone theft, much less the
theft of holy items from churches, and I
have to say, anyone who'd do it had best
watch out for lightning. We'll be
watching, too, so we can find the crispy
critter.
I'm told that teachers down at Patterson
are starting to "zap" the students with
new rules about House conduct, too...
The pirate hats with feathers in House
colors WERE a clever touch, however.
Is everyone ready for the apple festival
next week? I hear that good ole' Mayor
Jack himself has been asked to be on the
judging committee for the pies. Jack,
you know you can count on me to record
each and every funny expression you make.
For posterity. What else are friends for?
Last but not least, on a slightly more
disturbing note, remember the Recyclable
Armada from a few weeks past? Well, I
was talking to Andrew and his friends a
few days ago, and they wanted me to let
you all know that they've decided to stop
using the river for their Naval battles.
He saw "someone really creepy and pale"
watching them at night, from the other
side of the river, and doesn't want his
mother to worry about him going missing
too.
September 26, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm sure we
have all seen the Sixers' flyers posted
around town. To them, I say: thank you
for keeping Crops and Bobbers in business
for another month. Thirteen grandmothers
and retirees have dyed their hair neon
pink this week, to, I quote, "show that
green-haired hussy what a real woman
should wear."
Ladies, ladies, please get your sources
straight. My hair is Tahitian Teal this
time around. Acid green was so last
season. Secondly, I do believe that we
are all real women, making choices of
our own, without being condemned for it.
Number Six was a wonderful adversary with
excellent taste in typewriters. The least
you can do is live up to his legacy.
Speaking of legacies, Tommy Attenborough
had best start worrying about his.
Cheating in an apple pie contest? Really?
Stop on by my place, Tommy, and I'll show
you how to bake a crust from scratch. You
don't even need to bribe me with bonbons.
I hear tell that Ricky Lambert, over in
the west valley by the old orchards, had
quite the shock, himself. He swears he
didn't do anything to his pumpkin patch,
but between one day and the next, his
prize-winning sugar pumpkins supposedly
grew a few hundred pounds larger. Now,
Ricky, honey. Are you sure you didn't
just have leaves over the fruit? You
know how big those are, how well they
can hide them. If not, tell me: did you
do anything to make a witch happy with
you, lately? Spare any black cats?
The real question here is how many of
your prize-winning pumpkin pies you'll
be baking out of that pumpkin's meat, and
whether or not you'll be sharing any with
the hard-working professionals down at
the Times...
October 3, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the weather
may be gloomy, but the trees are glorious
and full. God, I love our state in Fall.
Don't forget to get your snow tires early
on, folks. We all know fiery trees mean
frosty eaves, soon enough.
We've had a quiet week, for which I am
thankful, and thank you, too, anonymous
letter-writer, for your response. I
couldn't agree more.
Everyone ready for the Halloween festival
coming up? I hear tell they're selecting
the judges for the costume competition
any day now, and Mayor Jack is on the
list. What do you think, Jack? Feeling
judgmental?
Missy Lefevre came for tea with me the
other day, and I hear there are congrat-
ulations due. Kudos, Missy, on getting
your fourth book published. I've read
them all, and I've got to say, your
imagination is really something. Realms
like that seem mighty terrifying to this
mere mortal, but gods are gods.
For those of you who aren't into specula-
tive fiction, try this on for size: three
tourists were caught this past Tuesday by
the cliff, getting ready to try going off
the edge in a home made barrel.
People, people, people, think here. That
cliff is at least two hundred feet, and
anyone who has gone down to the preserve
by the base of the 'falls will know how
many rocks there are. Please . Don't
throw your life away. Study the physics,
for Pete's sake. Even I know that, and
I managed to fail middle school science
classes twice. Word to the wise: tanking
your own grade to try getting out of a
class so you won't have to dissect frogs
is a bad plan. Doesn't work.
October 10, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have our-
selves a sticky situation, folks. Not
naming names, but SOMEbody managed to ram
a truck full of maple syrup jugs into a
tree on his way toward the market, and it
smells like the road should be getting
out the griddle to start making pancakes
even after all that rain.
Let us know if you survive, mysterious
syrup-meister. Your uncle may never let
you see the light of day again after this
one.
On lighter news, I was out and about the
other day, and what did I hear but that
we have a new romance in town, worthy of
a Hallmark movie, too, by all I've been
told. Dr. Kensington, Miss Claire, I
hope you both will be very happy together
here in Tamarack Falls. If my spleen
ever starts to fall out of my whatever,
I know whom to call!
Now there's a question: CAN one's spleen
fall out of one's whatever? Here's a
second: where IS your spleen? In the old
days, I'd have said, "Go to the library!"
to find it out, but let's make this more
fun. First person to call in with the
right answer gets their name in the paper
next week.
While we're on the subject of spleens, I
will give bonus points to anyone who can
share just what your spleen does, and why
we vent them at each other.
October 17, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am pleased
to announce that we have forty-seven
would-be spleen sleuths, but only six of
them got the question right. Thanks, Dr.
Kensington!
Kudos go to Anne Fry, Ninatt Kolshovik,
Adam Mundy, Jake Raymond, Leigh Irving
and Casey McMasters.
To answer the bonus question, folks, your
spleen helps filter blood, and no, it is
not a ventilation system. In the olden
days, shortly before troglodytes such as
yours truly were born, we didn't know a
whole lot about what our giblets did to
keep us all alive. Look up the 'humors'
if you're curious, but long story short,
your spleen used to hold your ill humor
and melancholy, and sometimes, you just
had to let all of that bad air out.
No, Johnny, that is not the same thing as
crop-dusting the entire row behind you at
the movie theater last Saturday. This
rumour brought to you by Johnny's cousin
Gloria, who requested that I state she
feels no shame in calling him out due to
the severe olfactory trauma suffered
during the incident.
Halloween is coming up, and the town is
starting to look mighty spooky at night.
Don't forget to start prepping your snow
gear, just in case. I know of two people
I could mention, but won't, who regretted
it last year and asked me to remind them.
Consider yourselves reminded!
I hear tell there was some drama at the
festival committee meeting, too. Shame on
you, Harold, for letting that tarantula
loose around Amazons like Henrietta Klein
and Patty Small. I hope its last meal was
a good one. If it starts pouring buckets
of rain on us, we'll know whom to blame.
October 24, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are reap-
ing the fruit of last week's tarantula
slaughtering incident. Let's hope the
weather clears before the festivities
next week , or this will be one soggy
Spook-a-Thon.
If you haven't tried it yet, I heartily
suggest attempting the corn maze down
by the airport. It's a bit of a drive
for those of us up here in town, but the
carnival team has really outdone them-
selves this year with the decorations. I
hear tell you can dress up as a zombie
and scare the ever-living daylights out
of your friends, too, but I wouldn't
know anything about doing that myself.
Don't listen to Christopher Higgins. He
clearly hasn't watched enough monster
movies, since he walked around the corner
and didn't even LOOK.
Molly, you have my apologies for the
dirty laundry.
In less frightening news, I hear we have
a new crusader zooming around town. Does
wearing a cape make him a superhero? I'm
assuming it's a he, but do forgive me if
I'm wrong, noble hero, and keep up the
good work writing the wrongs of the
townsfolk. You read that correctly: this
hero is the one leaving those little
paper pyramids on doorsteps. I'm told I
had some recycling in my garbage bin this
week, for which I apologize, hero.
If anyone else would like a public forum
to air their sins, the Tamarack Times
Gossip Column would be happy to assist...
October 31, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, unsurprising
to anyone who knows humanity, we actually
have a fair number of people wanting to
air the caped hero's sin-notes.
For politeness' sake, names will be left
out. They know who they are.
* Left a grocery bag on her porch, which
blew away and got stuck in a tree. She
would like the hero to know that she
did mean to pick it up again, but for-
got to grab it after finding out that
the cat had shredded three sets of
furniture upholstery, then vomited all
over it.
* Danced naked in the back yard.
* Didn't close curtains while neighbor
was dancing naked in the back yard.
* Didn't help a little old lady cross
the street when she was struggling to
haul a bag of groceries around. I'm
just glad nobody suggested that I was
the little old lady, this time!
* Three separate people received bluejay
notes to say that they had jaywalked.
On a different note, happy Halloween,
folks! Keep it safe out there, and if
you have any extra cinnamon bon-bons you
can't find a home for, you know where to
send them.
I haven't been able to learn whether or
not this one is true, but it was too good
to resist putting into the column. There
may or may not have been a Thriller flash
mob at the gas station down in the city,
which I'm sorry I missed, if it did occur
at all... What fun event these days isn't
captured on ANY smartphones?
Karen, capturing fewer people on your own
smartphone would make your mother's China
plates much happier in future. A little
birdy tells me they're in more pieces
than Adam's attempt at building a shed
out of scrap wood.
November 07, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope you
are all floating along the happy river of
after-Halloween chocolate sales. I know
I am.
In more serious news, Mr. Toby Baggins of
Bag-End Enterprises would like me to
inform you all that he can't help what
his parents found amusing as a company
name, but he CAN help the world use fewer
plastic bags. As for me? I could use a
lot more jokes about that name, but Toby,
I respect what your company's trying to
do.
I do not, however, respect the stinker
who left a burning paper bag of doggy poo
on Mrs. Malcolm's doorstep. Shame on you
for that. Even if she is a math teacher,
she's still better than a flaming pile of
canine plops.
Anyone ever wonder where the businesses
will stop? My inbox is full of burning
sales, hot sales, pre-pre-pre-pre-pre
Black Friday sales... We're barely one
week into November, and already, every
storefront's full of Christmas. What ever
happened to taking time to appreciate the
season?
We've got the First Snow celebration soon
if the weather folks are right, so don't
forget to ask your local rangers where
the wild holly is growing on the mountain
this year.
Speaking of celebrations, who's excited
to try their luck with the Frozen Bread
Guy contest this winter? We may not get
to it until December at this rate, with
snowfalls as low as they've been, but
who knows? We could have a deep enough
snow pack by Thanksgiving. I'm looking
forward to being beaten by schoolchildren
with a much better grasp on chemistry,
myself. Challenge accepted, Mr. Berger.
Challenge accepted.
November 14, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, am I good or
am I good? First Snow was a definite hit
this year, as far as my sources are
concerned. Good job, folks, and good job
to the holly bushes, too, for growing so
well.
Emma, I would say good job, but I'm still
not sure how you managed to lose both the
shoe and the pants on your way down that
hillside. I'll settle for being glad you
didn't crack your head open. You know all
those stories about lips as red as blood,
skin as white as snow? You really don't
want to be that princess. Promise. The
job is not worth the sunscreen.
I hear tell there was a bit of a snafu at
the Winter Palace, too... Kurt, you are
a darling boy, but when your mama says to
keep your clothes on in public, you
should do what she says. The 'no shirts,
no shoes' sign doesn't mean to take them
off. Hard to believe you're getting old
enough to read already.
Speaking of small children, is anyone
missing a cat? We've had three of them
show up here at the office, and they sure
seem like domestics. Either that, or
they are feline con artists attempting to
survive the winter, which I would not put
past them. We'll post photos on the Web
for folks to look at, but in the mean-
while, I have a new fuzzy overlord to get
catnip for.
November 21, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, do we have a
new romance in the offing? Rocco, Rocco,
has the Vamplifier finally succumbed? We
have several eye-witnesses who claim you
not only welcomed, but enjoyed being
bitten in public by the local elf queen,
and don't you think we didn't notice the
fact that you've been wearing more color
lately.
Let's hope she had a lot of mouthwash
handy. I sure wouldn't bite those ears
without it.
Crossroads Cafe has been a busy place for
love this week, or so I'm told. Three
separate proposals, even, one of which
included a seven-foot teddy bear costume
which took four people to cram in through
the door. Only in Tamarack Falls, folks.
Surprise: he said yes.
Has anyone else been hearing dogs barking
at night? I've gotten three complaints to
share around, but the rangers have been
out and about and haven't seen a thing.
Hikers, if you get eaten by ghost dogs,
please let us know so we can figure out
who wins the office bet.
Speaking of bets, I hear that Old Jack
Desrochers owes Jack Jr. and Pat a pretty
sum for the last blind date he tried to
send them on. Pat, I don't blame you in
the least for not wanting to marry some-
body who hated beer, Vermont, curly hair
and blueberries.
Seriously. Who could hate blueberries?
November 28, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it's time to
get baking! If you want to participate
in the Frozen Bread Guy competition,
don't forget to sign up at the town hall,
and bring a copy of your recipe. A ranger
will escort you out to the mountainside,
to select a spot for your bread and log
the location.
Enough of that! Let's get to the juicy
stuff. I hear tell there was some
"delicious" drama at the general store
the other day over the last can of
cranberry sauce. I know I'm not a legal
authority over sauces (is there one?),
but I feel I can safely say that it does
not belong where it ended up. Katy, you
really do have unplumbed depths. Maybe
we should keep them that way.
Speaking of plumbing, anyone else notice
the number of storms these days? Most of
them have been down over the city, but it
sure seems wetter than the early winters
I remember.
Current Thanksgiving plans for a number
of people include searching the river for
the 'sea monster' living there. People,
people, if it is called a 'sea' monster,
it lives in the sea. At least call it a
river monster. As I hear it, the beast
appears day or night, eyes in the water,
any time someone tosses garbage into the
river. I don't know whether this is some
clever prank or Mother Nature's way of
letting us know she's tired of being used
as a rubbish heap. What do YOU think?
December 05, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT