Latest revision as of 21:55, 27 February 2020

Year 2019 - Archive of Tamarack Times Gossip Column

January 3, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone has
been  a  very naughty boy.  I don't know
who  did it,  and neither do the cops if
sources are correct, but I hear tell the
New Year's Eve  parties  got mighty epic
out there on the mountain.

Mind,  anyone within ten miles could see
as  much  themselves,  given the size of
the   fire   they   built  up   there...
Questionably lawful or  not,  whoever it
was  left  not a shred of easy evidence.
Not  even  trash.  If  I  were  the fire
chief,  I've gotta say, that's  the kind
of  fire  threat I'd like to  see around
more often.   No  real  damage,  nothing
to  clean  up.   No  footprints, either,
which is the kicker.

Do we have ourselves some pyro ghosts?

Speaking of fire,  don't  forget to stop
by  the  town forge for your black iron,
if you  haven't  gotten  it  already.  I
got  myself  a little  birdy to  hang up
over my door,  and my, that little  peep
peep  peeper  hasn't  stopped  all week.
Let's see if I can fit this all in...

The police are supposedly  searching for
a large man who was running  through the
streets on New Year's Day, starkers,  to
question him  for several piles of feces
left  in public places.  I'm told he was
a mighty  hairy soul, except where every
one  wanted it.  Gotta say, I'm undecid-
ed, but  I can feel my editor developing
hives  at  the  thought  of  what else I
might say on the subject.  I'll be good.

Two statues  are missing from outside of
the  Eastbank  Savings & Financial Group
down by  Patterson Bridge, with heaps of
glitter and  broken glass left in t heir
place.  Really?  Broken glass?  Come on,
people.  That's not safe.

A  drunk man at Alchemy swears,  up  and
down,  that  he saw an angel and a devil
sitting  down  to drink together with an
elf  and  a vampire.  I don't know about
you, but  I'd  like to know just what it
was  the man  was drinking.  I could use
a bit more excitement in my life.

Kidnappers,  that  is  not permission to
come back.

January 10, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are past
the  holiday  hump a nd into the holiday
slump,  at  least until Valentine's Day.
Boys, let  me  tell you,  chocolates get
old.  Never bon-bons,  but have you ever
tasted  those  stale things in the cheap
drug store boxes?

No offense meant,  drug stores,  but the
chocolate really is awful.

Then again, maybe I'm just spoiled.

The latest gossip THIS week is all about
local  boy  turned skiing phenom, Justin
Thyme.  He's  back from his latest tour,
and hoo boy, does he make me feel like a
slug out on the cross-country trails.  A
few  of  the  local farmers,  Fry family
included, have opened up the fences on a
few   of  their  farther  pastures,  and
there's a good long loop out there close
to the foot of Mount Salvation West. I'd
steer  clear  of  the foothills, just in
case.  The temperature fluctuations have
been playing merry hob with the rocks up
there, and the rockfalls aren't anything
to trifle with.

Our   naked   Running   Man   has   been
identified,  but he has personally asked
me not to put his name in the paper.  He
also says that he was very,  very drunk,
and that he used to have a pirate outfit
on until the talking frog told him to go
and kiss the princess in the river.  I'm
told  the  princess is the one who asked
the man to strip to prove his love...

If  I  ever meet a princess and she asks
ME to chuck my clothes in a snowbank,  I
don't know about you, but my answer will
be a firm, resounding, "Are you CRAZY?"

I've  had  a  look-see down at the fancy
new  convention  center by the Patterson
Bridge, in other news,  and all I've got
to say is: wow.  Just, wow.  That is one
impressive building.  The owner took the
time  to  speak with me,  for which I am
grateful, and if you haven't seen his ad
elsewhere in the paper, you should check
it out.  Every room is different in that
place, and let me tell you, the kitchens
are to die for.

January 17, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we  are the
lucky recipients of the Hometown of Beca
Lynn award,  awarded  us by  none  other
than THE 7-year old Beca Lynn herself.

Beca,  kid,  let  me be the first to say
how much I hope you rule with a kind and
wise  fist when you someday gain control
of  the  planet.  Read/watch  a  lot  of
Spiderman  in  the  meanwhile, with some
emphasis on that whole 'With great power
comes...' business.

Speaking of great responsibility, what I
want to know is who stole Ms. Mhurrain's
pet  chinchilla.  The  great fluff caper
is ongoing  in Classroom 102 down at the
Patterson Middle School.  If  anyone has
a lead on Mr. Sprinkles' whereabouts, we
here  at  the Tamarack Times will gladly
pass it along.

Watch out  for falling snow -- and snow-
balls,  for that matter.  A little birdy
told  me that a certain group of teenage
miscreants  has been  at it again,  this
time with food coloring and glitter. Two
of our Town Councilors, Emily Watson and
Zeke Regan,   have  found  that  opening
their own front doors resulted in a snow
heap avalanche and a regrettable glitter
infection.

Mrs. Watson,  who runs the local library
for those of you out of town,  has  very
specifically and clearly stated that,  I
quote,  she "wants those responsible for
the incidents to come forward and own up
to their poor judgement."

Mr. Regan,  on the other hand,  sends to
offer his congratulations and his admir-
ation for the juvenile culprits, and,  I
paraphrase,  his belief that they should
avoid  climbing  on  other  roofs for at
least a  month given how  much  luck  it
must have  burned not to fall off of his
slate tiles and break their necks.

January 24, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  there  are
officially three weeks until Valentine's
day.  Hear that, Jack?  Three.

If you, like the Mayor,  have difficulty
counting to numbers higher than one, you
may enjoy the following nugget of wisdom
from Crossroads Cafe this week.

While we haven't heard about our bookish
darling in some time,  we HAVE heard all
about  local  football  wunderkind Simon
Desrochers.  Sadly,  while  his team did
not make it into the Superbowl, his baby
brother has now made it into the paper!

See, Derek is a special boy. So special,
he is  beyond  the  scope of traditional
arithmetic, as evidenced by his atypical
method  of paying his bills...  Word  to
the wise: attempting to pass off a small
button  mushroom  as a quarter,  while a
great idea in fairyland, doesn't work in
a  real  mortal business plan, no matter
how long your eyelashes are, or how much
practice   you  have  at  wielding  them
against anything with estrogen.

The  four-year  old earnestly correcting
his efforts only added to the appeal.

Derek, you're cute. So's your girlfriend
of  the  week.  I  say this with a near-
stranger's  love:  if  you start walking
the  riverbank  and weeping, I will per-
sonally  find  your mama and fill her in
on just what it is you did when you were
thirteen and a half.

Don't you love small towns?

January 31, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, brrr, is it
just me,  or did someone thoroughly piss
off Old Man Winter?

On the bright side,  no  self-respecting
animals  are  going  to be  out  in THIS
weather eating  all the Bread Men buried
in the snow out there.

Plans  for  the Valentine's Day festival
are  well  under way,  and  not  without
their own particular drama. Why, I heard
from   three   of  my  most  fashionable
sources  that the committee was actually
considering  using  flowers  grown some-
where other than the Greengarden for the
floral  wreaths  and  table decorations.
For shame, ladies (and Bill). For shame.

Bill,  at least,  has  known conflict of
interest.  I forgive him.  Never Martha,
unless she agrees to let me add a secret
message on those candy hearts.

Speaking of which, what do you all think
about the Necco news? Terrible business,
that,  not  having Sweethearts for V-Day
2019.

What sayings would YOU put on the hearts
if you were the one in charge of writing
clever things?

I  asked  around the general store,  and
here are my personal favorites:

"MY WAY" - Mindy Mayweather, Age 9
"SORRY" - George White, Age 40mumble
"NOW?" - Sara Sinski, Age 23
"FORGET ME NOT" - Mabel Joyce, Age 92

Mabel, who could possibly forget you?

February 07, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, our drought
has ended!  At  last,  at last,  we have
Kip Kensington back in our modest little
corner of the paper, and my,  what a way
to end up back in print.

See,  a reliable source informs  me that
our  judgement-impaired  bookish darling
has done it again. If Mina isn't already
out of his life, she's sure to leave him
for  THIS  one:  suffice  it to say that
deeds of a conjugal nature were reported
between  him  and  local  gadget  menace
'Widget' no-last-name.

Kip, Kip, Kip.
I thought better of you.

Mina,  my condolences.  If it helps, I'm
told,  too,  that  a  certain  degree of
alcohol was involved in the incident.

Speaking  of  alcohol-fueled  incidents,
if anyone spots a bizarre and very naked
tree  out on the road to the Miller com-
pound, none other than Allen Miller him-
self,  thoroughly be-rummed and grogged,
glittered and  feathered,  attempted  to
perform  a ritual to a newly devised and
arboreal  god.  This  ritual,  as  I  am
told,  largely consisted  of peeling the
bark off of his deity's foes.

Naked.

Allen is currently at Riverside Hospital
and is expected to make  a full recovery
from hypothermia and frostbite to rather
personal places.

I hope his cheeks are as rosy as the new
bouquet of flowers on my desk...

Thank you, Jack.  Now  if only they were
red instead of sunny yellow.

February 14, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, romance  is
in the air.

For some people, I'm sure they wish they
hadn't sniffed the roses...

Here's to Jonah Mitchelson, who learned,
only after filling his house with lovely
blossoms, that his affianced was deathly
allergic to  half  of his carefully dis-
played arrangements.  Kelly, we promise,
he wasn't trying to kill you.  He swears
by  "the moon  and the stars in the sky"
that he only wanted to show his love for
you,  and  has paid me $20 to not gag on
how sappy-sweet  and over the top guilty
he feels about your anaphylactic shock.

Here, too, is to Selina Gorr, and to her
beloved puppy Chewchew, who with but one
adorable woof single-pawedly stopped the
traffic on Main Street for over ten min-
utes  while Mrs. Gorr had hysterics over
the dog's  costume...and  how much of it
was glitter glue -- WET glitter glue, at
that,  and thence all over the inside of
her Subaru.

I'm told the dog was a hit at Patterson,
though, once the glue had dried.

Last but not least,  we have Mr. Jackson
and   his  charming  wife  Inatt,  whose
re-dedication  to their marriage will be
held  the  day  this is published.  If I
live to be a hundred and two,  I want to
be  someone's  Inatt.  You're  adorable,
Mr. Jackson,  and  your  wife is  a very
lucky woman to have found you.

On a different sweet note, get your cart
ready  at  the mall, fellow chocaholics!
Tomorrow, the holiday  will be over, and
the  cheap  chocolate  sales  will  have
begun!

February 21, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  get  to
talk about my favorites: love and pain!

I have to tip my metaphorical cap to Mr.
Hamilton,  however,  for going above and
beyond the call of booty.  It's not just
any paramour who would climb up onto the
icy roof of his lover's home to retrieve
a  monster of a Maine Coon,  only to end
up in  the  hospital with seven stitches
from said beloved feline's claws.

Gentlemen, your bar has been set.

Rebecca Thorpe,  now, has something else
for us to do with bars...  Becca,  I had
no idea one woman could  pretzel herself
into  so  many different variations on a
heart.  I only regret that I wasn't over
at Bill's to see it.

I'm told the bar's Facebook page has the
choice  picks of the videos patrons took
of the event.

Speaking of events, thank you to all and
sundry  for helping make the Warm Hearts
Festival a success. Kara asked me to let
you all know that,  over the entirety of
the festival, the town raised $3,554 for
local shelters and charities for kids at
Riverside Hospital.

Reliable   rumor-generator   Haruki  was
noted  as a frequent volunteer,  wearing
heart deely-boppers and feathered wings,
while teaching origami and infecting the
world  with glitter.  As  several people
have told me, he was sadly bemoaning his
single  state,  so  if you want a little
Japanese magic,  folks, sounds like he's
available!

Now for some fun!  A little birdy tweets
that  the  '80s  Karaoke Night  down  at
Alchemy  was  THE place to be, including
such highlights as:
* Haruki and Itsuki (magicians) dressed
   as characters from Cats (the musical)
* Damion King (boxer, gym owner)  sing-
   ing "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor
* Widget (aforementioned gadget menace)
   singing "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns
   N' Roses
* Zillah Grimes (of tea shop fame) with
   Depeche  Mode's  "Behind  the  Wheel"
* Poppy Devereux as Joan Jett
* Carter Logan (THE Carter Logan)  with
   Motörhead's  "Orgasmatron" who,  I am
   told, quite stole the show.

Gotta  say,  if  anyone wants lessons in
anything musical, this area's a good one
to  live  in,  as many performers  as we
have around here.  I'm not complaining!

February 28, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, believe  it
or not,  we're getting closer to Spring.
Trust me,  I have the gardening catalogs
to prove it. I don't know how much money
THEY  think I earn writing this  column,
but it's sure not enough to buy the bulb
collections I've been drooling over!

Now,  if only they'd invent a cold-hardy
ixia...

Still,  for  those  of you who want your
floral fix,  I'm told the greenhouses up
at the Greengarden Nursery  will be open
to the public  as of March 1st.  I'll be
there, dreaming of being young again and
capable of kneeling in the dirt for hour
upon hour without creaky knees...

I  am  glad to say that I'm not the only
one getting old in this town, as Charlie
can attest.  Or can he?  Char,  you know
I love you,  but  this  is the price you
pay  for coming over every Tuesday night
and slurping up my noodles.

See,  Charlie here swears up and down he
never  forgets  a thing.  He  has a mind
like a steel trap,  or like an elephant,
or  like the Prototype Series 1000 Term-
inator,  but hopefully with less melting
in a vat of molten who knows what.

Far  be  it from me to call out a friend
in a paper read  by  thousands of people
across  multiple  cities, but burning my
family-famous lasagna, my pot holder, my
kitchen curtains and half of my freshly-
painted, brand new kitchen cabinets to a
black  and  stinky  crisp deserves  some
public laughter.  Folks, don't you worry
about me.  Or Char.  He redeemed himself
by  calling  in the firefighters, and by
baking  me  a consolation pie with extra
apology strawberries on it.

Moral of the story: friends are the ones
you  can  trust to burn your house down,
and they smell better than an elephant.
Really, with a name like 'Char' I should
have known better...

March 07, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  it's  time
to start dreaming of Spring!  Mind  you,
that's dreaming of it, not actually see-
ing it any time soon.

I had a dream.  It was a simple one, and
inexpensive.  See, it doesn't cost a lot
of money for young men to slow down when
driving motorbikes down muddy dirt roads
with lines of hikers on the verge.  Jake
Nielssen,  I  hope you enjoyed your trip
up Salvation.  Mrs. Sally and the eighth
grade  class of  Patterson Middle School
would have enjoyed  their  field  trip a
whole  lot more  if they weren't covered
in  frigid  slimy muck for half the walk
up the mountain.

On a happier note, thank you, Elizabeth,
for showing us your rock. I hope you see
only the best through the hole in it.

I used to collect pebbles, myself,  from
the  banks   of  the  River  Tam.  White
quartz  was  a  favorite,  and  anything
with stripes.  Maggie Whinsom could have
used  a  bit more 'stripe' herself, from
what I hear.  Mags, doing a polar dip is
one  thing,  but  doing  a  polar /bare/
instead  of a  polar /bear/ is something
else...

Look on the bright side.  You  sure  got
Captain Kenny's attention.  Speaking  of
which, welcome home, soldier.  Just wish
it  didn't  have  to happen  under these
circumstances.  My  condolences for your
pa.

March 14, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  let's  get
our green on!  Saint Patrick's Day is a-
coming, and we all know what that means:
beer!

That's right.  The amount of food colour
we're all  going to be drinking over the
next week is obscene, but it will be oh,
so  good.  I  have been bribed by the 'I
Feel Hoppy' microbrewery to gossip about
how  delicious  they  are, but I have to
admit,  while their beers are good for a
beer, or  an  ale,  I'm  more of a tasty
chocolate bonbon  and glass of wine kind
of girl.

Sorry, Junior.  Old Jack  and  I  go way
back.  You owe him $20 for that one.  He
bet  you'd  bring  me the wrong bonbons,
and he was right.

Speaking  of  beer, a little birdy tells
me  that a certain  blue-haired somebody
was seen walking  along the banks of the
Tam late  last  night,  singing  drunken
pirate ballads and strumming a guitar. I
am  a kind  woman, and won't name names,
but  you know who you are.  So does half
of YouTube  at  this point.

Your cousin wasn't so kind.

My  editor  promises he'll make it up to
you another time,  readers, but I have a
smaller  word limit than usual thanks to
the  news segment.  Check Channel 10 for
more details.

March 21, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we have  a
strange one, folks.  While  I can under-
stand  the urge to acquire sweet things,
being a reasonable human being, I am not
about   to   lumber  into  Sweet Treats,
commandeer four gallon tubs of caterer's
honey,  intimidate  the duty manager and
knock over  jars  of preserves on my way
out.

If  anyone  sees a very sticky one-armed
woman around, keep your honey close, and
the  telephone  number of the local cops
closer.

That  said:  we've been waiting for what
seems like forever,  but  it is finally,
blessedly, SPRING!

Ignore the snow.  Just  pretend it isn't
there.  I  have  paper  flowers  in  the
windows  thanks   to  our  copy-editor's
niece Janine,  and I am going to turn on
all of the lights,  spray some Glade air
freshener,  and  pretend  I'm in a sunny
garden.

Soon.   Soon,  the  Mrs.  Evelyn  Miller
Memorial Gardens  will be greening,  and
I  can  stop giving myself perfume head-
aches.

Randall  knows  all  about  those,  now,
doesn't he?  Kid,  word to the wise:  if
you  want to dress up like your mom, try
waiting to use the perfume until you can
ask  her  which ones cost more than your
entire Summer allowance mowing lawns.  I
love the polka dots  on  the flip-flops,
however,  and your talent at doing brows
by  far exceeds my own.  Talk to Lou and
Bang Bang down at Crops and Bobbers some
time.  You're  almost old enough to be a
part-timer,  and they'd be lucky to have
you.

March 28, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I must put
a  particular  set of rumors to bed, and
they are not, alas, going in mine.

No,  my lovely readers,  I am not dating
our inestimable Mr. Kensington. He is an
adorable disaster, and I'd far prefer to
write about those than live them.

Just  who  IS  he dating, these days, we
wonder?

Kip  aside,  I  hear there's more than a
bit of  romance in the air for Mr. Lewis
and former high school beauty queen Miss
Rosario.  When I hit sixty, I hope a man
is  still  willing  to  serenade me on a
banjo in the middle of the street, John.
Lira's a lucky woman.

I'm told we have a bit of feline romance
in  the  air  as  well... Some kitty-cat
Lothario out there is serenading, and by
serenade we mean  yowling at,  lady cats
all  down Main Street the past week, but
despite  their  best efforts,  volunteer
cat  controllers  have yet to locate the
amorous animal.

Last but not least, this week marks the
twentieth  anniversary of badgering our
beloved  Mayor,  Jacques Bonheur,  into
becoming our Mayor  in the first place.
Here's to you, Jack.

April 04, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, SOMEone has
sure been busy out there in the forests.
Hikers  from  tour  groups are a-twitter
over  the weird art popping up along the
trails.  Someone's  been  taking inspir-
ation from the Alebrijes, in my opinion,
and if not,  I'd  like to know what they
were  smoking,  because  the  mind  that
made that  many bizarre rainbows must be
quite the place to be.

For  those  of  us  eagerly awaiting the
first  hints  of  green on the mountain-
sides, we're in luck.  The  weather guys
say  we're  getting  a  string of warmer
days  and  nights,  and the Frozen Bread
Guy contest may  finally have a date for
checking out the winners!  Just don't go
eating any. You don't know which critter
peed on that...

The ladies at the Evelyn Miller Memorial
Gardens  have  asked  me  to let you all
know  that  they are paying attention to
the distribution  of illegally deposited
cigarette butts on the benches, and will
let us all know if butt-augury becomes a
valid method of predicting the future.

Yes.  I typed that in a paper. Some days
I really love my job.

April 11, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
delightful  influx  of tourists to thank
for the success of the April Fling. Mrs.
Ethel Maine-Cordenstone and Miss Susanne
Rosario-Ramirez literally took the cake,
this year,  and may their arguments ever
end  up  with  both parties sweetened by
dessert.

I'm sure the dry cleaner will be able to
get most of that out.

On a different note,  it sounds like our
very  own Kidd Starr has 'starred'  (I'm
sure that  joke will never get old, Kidd)
in his last internship,  and is ready for
a  congregation   of  his  own.  Reverend
Starr,  may  you age like a fine wine and
have  the  wisdom   not  to  repeat  past
mistakes.  I forgive you for my tulips.

Mostly.

Your friend Robert, however...

Bobby  Whittlepin,  your  mama  would  be
rolling in her grave if she knew you were
the one responsible for getting coffee on
the  school's  piano.  It's  a good thing
for you  that nobody delivers this column
to the local cemetery for the ghosts.

April 18, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
that  SOMEone  has  been  ordering seeds
galore.  What in the world  would anyone
want with that much mustard?  I wouldn't
have  known  if it weren't for the loose
packaging.  Boxes   these  days.  What's
with  having the delivery guy leave them
on the side of the road in, too?

Seems we have a newcomer up to all sorts
of odd things, but beyond that they tend
to involve  animals, I haven't been told
yet.  Stay tuned, folks, for next week's
edition.

Speaking of...

Next  week  is the official Frozen Bread
Guy celebration,  and I've got my eye on
a  few  potential winners.  I'll let you
know  next   week  if  my  guesses  were
correct!  Mary-Sue, you already know, so
hush that mouth or I won't share my bon-
bons.

I  WILL  share  that I've heard a few of
our   more  rebellious  youths  chatting
about a  new gang in the city. Something
with  fire  and  snowflakes,  and  marks
painted  in improbable places.  How they
got  to  the  bottom  of  Stagbridge  is
beyond  me.  We  haven't  had much gang-
related  violence  out  here  in a dog's
age, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Fort  Brunsett  police   are  cautioning
folks  to keep an eye out for the artist
responsible  for  the graffiti involved.
Please report to them, not me, though if
you  wanted to share anything especially
juicy, I wouldn't say no...

April 25, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  get  to
tell  you  all  that I have misjudged my
raisins.

That's  right.  My  guess  for the Bread
Guy  was  completely  wrong.  Itsuki,  I
am  sorry  to  have doubted your ability
to   bake  a  man-sized  loaf  that  not
even  the  deer  would  want  to  molest
over the winter.

Clearly,  the  bar  is set for next year
and  the recipes for THAT season.  Who'd
have thought baking inedible bread would
be a GOOD thing?

The  source   of  the  odd  animal-based
rumors  has  been located: a tall,  dark
skinned  man  has  been  responsible for
two  traffic jams and  a  whole flock of
Instagram  posts  over  the  past couple
of weeks,  and  here  are  just a few of
the reasons why:

1.  He ministers to dog congregations in
    the  park to reassure them that they
    are all good boys and girls.
2.  He  lets  those  dogs  pretend to be
    parrots  on  his  shoulders while he
    sings lullabies to feeding ducks.
3.  He  catches  fish  only to teach the
    scaly  things  tips  and  tricks  to
    avoid being caught in the future.
4.  As  the  photos  on the internet can
    already attest, he eats picnics with
    bears...

I'm  told  that  he also went up to Four
Hills  in  search  of,  no  joke,  a bat
named Eustace  to help it find its farm.
I don't  know about  you,  but the funny
farm  is  where  I'd be  leaning  toward
at that point.

If anybody knows the guy,  point  him my
way.  I've got some groundhogs  he could
talk out of my tulips.

May 02, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, our beloved
local loonies have done it again. By all
I saw across the river, the Lefevre fam-
ily's   Beltane  celebrations  yesterday
were  as enthusiastic and prone to ineb-
riation as always.

The  real  question for me is this:  was
the booze strong enough to get Cam up on
a stump somewhere  to play for us?  Kid,
you had so much potential. It's a crying
shame to hide that light under a padlock
and a three-factor authentication system
so complex that even you can't figure it
all out.

Speaking  of mysteries,  try this one on
for size:  between the hours of 2:00PM &
4:00PM,  a  swarm of spiders invaded the
Lethbridge Library. Creepy much?  No one
has noticed anything else amiss,  and no
one  is  quite  sure  how,  or why, they
swarmed like that.

On  a similar note,  I've heard a lot of
folks  discussing extra rats in the town
lately.  Five  people  reported  finding
the furry buggers sitting outside on the
windowsill  until shooed off, and that's
just the ones willing to come have a cup
of coffee and a chat.

I  have  my guesses as to who the insti-
gator was,  and that Rainbow Brite look-
a-like who  runs the Rising Sun Tourneys
should  watch  out -- I hear tell that a
strange man  and a dog were out there at
the stables after business hours,  talk-
ing  to  the horses about revolting.  My
friend's friend  says he didn't have the
luck  he wanted,  though,  since all the
horses  are still snug as a bug in a rug
out in the stable.

May 09, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This  week in Tamarack Falls,  Haruki,  I
promise it wasn't me this time. We've had
reports  of  rabbity  garden  pests going
missing at  an  oddly rapid rate,  and no
one's  quite sure why.  If anybody sees a
very fat-looking flock of hawks or eagles
out there somewhere, let us know!

Otters have been the draw lately, and the
tourism committee is on the ball. In case
you  haven't  seen them yet,  you can buy
your very own 'You Otter Come Back to TF'
t-shirts.  Mindy,  I  know  the  otter is
supposed to  look like  it's  having fun,
but  I've  got to say,  the bottle in its
hand needs a much clearer label...  Is it
a beer or a soda?  I could use some wine,
myself. 'Otter'  go  by the general store
when I'm done writing,  to drink away the
puns...

Now,  I  know  what  you're going to say.
"Enid,"  you'll  tell me,  "you just said
you needed to drink away puns," but these
were  given  to me by an adorable,  hard-
dealing five year old who won a bet about
that odd man and his ducks, and a promise
is a promise.  See  this, Elise?  Payment
rendered. Your jokes have now been shared
with the world.

* What  do  you  call  a dinosaur that is
  sleeping?  (A dino-snore!)
* Why  did the  student eat his homework?
  (Because the teacher  told him it was a
  piece of cake!)
* How   does   a  scientist  freshen  her
  breath? (With experi-mints!)
* Why can't Elsa have a balloon? (Because
  she'll let it go.)

You're welcome.

May 16, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This  week in Tamarack Falls, preparation
for the  week-long Memorial Day festival,
and  the 'fall-side ceremony to celebrate
and honor the  fallen,  is well underway.
Veterans are being  asked  to offer their
opinions and to vote on possible options,
but we all know Marilyn's blueberry-rasp-
berry-marshmallow  puffed  rice  desserts
will win.  Who can say no to sugary fruit
and crunch-sticky stars?

In news less likely to make dentists feel
needed, I hear tell a certain pirate club
owner had a sartorial slip the other day.
Is she joining the ranks of her employees
up on the stage,  or does she just really
want the world  to  know  about her panty
preferences?  The 'KISS ME' on the cheeks
was so much sassier than I expected. Miss
Black,  may  your depths remain unplumbed
and further mysteries fully clothed.

A friend of a friend of a friend's third
cousin's  lawyer's uncle's fifth brother
claims to have heard from Carter Logan's
own lips that he intends to go back into
show  business.  Is this true?  Will the
golden voice return to the stage? I have
my  doubts,  but  you, my rabid readers,
have  all the time  in the world to hunt
him down and find the truth.

Personally, if we're going for childhood
vocal heroes,  I'd have to toss a zombie
Beatles  reunion  into the hat.  Anybody
know  a good necromancer with reasonable
rates?

May 23, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This  week in Tamarack Falls, thanks to a
VERY vocal discussion in Crossroads Cafe,
I  have  been  wheedled into including a,
shall we say, more educated (read: nerdy)
series of jokes. Elise's brother, in case
you  haven't  met  him,  is going to be a
lawyer some day. Michael, I expect to see
your  name  on  TV   when  I'm  aged  and
decrepit.

* What  does a dyslexic, agnostic insom-
   niac  spend  most  of  his time doing?
   (Staying  up  at  night  wondering  if
   there really is a dog.)
* What do you say when you're comforting
   a spelling nut?
   (There, their, they're...)
* What do you get when you put root beer
   into a square glass?  (Beer!)
* Descartes  walked  into  a bar and the
   bartender asked him, "Would you like a
   drink?"
   "I think not," Descartes said, before
   vanishing.

Contract fulfilled, kiddo.  I'll expect a
lemonade next time, as promised.

Speaking  of  sour things, if you haven't
had a chance to check out  Betsy Winnet's
thunder-juice,  I highly recommend it.  I
also recommend having something nearby to
take the taste out of your mouth.  Betsy,
I have no idea what you put in that juice
of yours,  but kudos to you for finding a
way  to  beat even  the Warhead candies I
love so well.

Now,  if  only she would explain just why
she calls it THUNDER juice...

May 30, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in  Tamarack Falls,  the town
has  endured  its fair share of tie-dyed
bovines and Pink Mystery ice cream.  Fry
family  fun,  I  will have you know, has
resulted  in  my  tastebuds  crying  for
mercy  in the very best of ways.  Kudos,
cow-runners.

It wasn't only MY tastebuds rising up in
revolt against their delicious invaders,
either.  Why, Melissa Maybell of Channel
6 fame ran through the tents so fast,  I
thought  her tail was on fire.  Live and
learn: you can move surprisingly quickly
in  a pencil skirt and three-inch heels.
Pink Peppercorn ice cream,  as an aside,
is  best  enjoyed by those whose tongues
have  already  given up on life and res-
igned themselves to torture by fire.

There   were   some  adorable   moments,
however,  and the  run  itself went very
well.  Figures  are  still being tallied
up, but it sounds like the local shelter
groups  will  be getting  at least a few
thousand  dollars.  Speaking  as someone
who  may or  may not be stoned out of my
home some day, please continue to sup-
port your local homeless shelters.  It's
a rough world out there, and there are a
lot of folks who just need a hand to get
them back up on their feet.

June 06, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in  Tamarack Falls, the  cows
have  passed, and  we have ducks to look
forward to!  Keep an eye on the sky next
week,  folks,  and get yourself and your
kids down  to the  River Tam, just south
of  the  Miller  lumber yard.  If anyone
still needs to register their duckapult,
the  safety inspectors will  be  holding
meetings at the Town Hall every day,  by
appointment and walk-in.

Jeremy Thatcher  has asked me to let you
all know that he lost his first tooth on
his birthday, eating cake.

His mother would like me to let you know
that  the cake his tooth fell off in was
not his.

Betty,  my condolences,  but look on the
bright  side:  the  tooth  stayed in the
family!

Getting old,  which  I most certainly am
not doing,  means that I have a lot more
tooth-loss than  birthday  cakes to look
forward   to.  Jeremy,   when  your  new
chompers  grow  in,  take  good  care of
them.  You only get new ones once.

June 13, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week  in  Tamarack Falls, the ducks
are  flying,  and  I don't mean the kind
our hunters can have fun shooting. I can
hear  the  trebuchets thwacking, honking
and tooting from  my living room window,
and I've got to say, for as long as I've
lived  here,  I  don't think I have ever
heard a 'symphony' of trebuchet-flingers
as diverse as this year's composition.

Mayor Jack  is  on the judging committee
this year, so bring him lots of bonbons,
folks,  as  bribes.  You  can leave them
with me.

He might get one or two...

Speaking of going missing, Brigitte Yves
was talking just the other day about her
pies disappearing from her windowsill. I
don't  want to point fingers, covered in
blueberries  or  not, toward a few young
culprits  I may or  may  not  have  seen
chortling in the woods, but an apology
seems in order, ladies, doesn't it?

All Miss Yves asks is that you bake pies
to replace the ones you pilfered, and to
pay her back for the time you stole with
your own pastry pilfering.

June 20, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This  week in Tamarack Falls,  I've  been
wondering: is it just me,  or have we had
a  raging case of LARP?  As older readers
may  not  know,  a  LARP is a Live Action
Role-Playing game, where people  dress up
like  fairies and hairy Conan the Desper-
ately needs  a  Barber-ian  to  play  out
stories.  In  public.  Where  people  can
see them.

When  I was younger,  make-believe didn't
have quite as many rules...

Or actual swords.

I'll  grant  them  this:  my younger self
didn't  have quite as many steamy men and
women  in  those oddball outfits, either.
Clyde, your mother named you well, and if
you  ever brag  about  hefting me up over
your head, tell everyone I weighed twenty
pounds less!

Now,  I've  heard  the  Ladies' Gardening
Group has  lost a fair amount themselves,
through  healthy  living  and  good exer-
cise  out on the mountain. Kudos, ladies!
I'd join  you, but I  think I've strained
my everything.  Bonbons at home are call-
ing my name.

Anyone else still finding ducks in places
no one should be finding ducks?

June 27, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I'm here to
bring you word of a mighty "sticky" situ-
ation.  Get  it?  Sticky?  Captain  Owens
sure did, when he sat down on a bench his
daughter had just spilled her soggy candy
and bubble gum all over.

I'm told a little vinegar or dish soap is
good for getting that out of fabric,  but
as  for the adorable little girl snapping
a picture  of her daddy's ass and posting
it on Facebook?  That you'll have to deal
with on your own.

Now, a little birdy tells me that someone
has been being naughty down on Apple Tree
Lane. Mrs. Belwether has forcefully asked
me  to  request  that  the individual, or
individuals, who persist in leaving apple
cores  in  her streetside gardens use the
public trash bin further down the road.

Speaking of food that attracts pests, I'm
mighty  glad I live up here in town.  The
local  animal   control  authorities  are
mystified,  and I am, too, by how many of
the  rats they're finding lately have had
numbers dyed into their fur.

Is someone  out there doing science?  Are
the  rats out to get us?  Billy,  you let
us know up here.  We'll stay good and far
away.

The plans for the Independence Day celeb-
rations  are well underway, on  a happier
note, and businesses all down Main Street
are  reporting  gossip as usual.  I'll be
back with more next week!

July 04, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, my  gloating
is catching up to me.  Anyone have a Pied
Piper we could borrow? The rat problem is
only  getting  worse, though as we've all
heard on the news, the little beasties do
seem  to  have  a  clean  bill of health.
Whatever else they're here to do, spread-
ing a plague isn't on the agenda.

I'm told we've had a plague of fireworks
accidents, instead, but don't you worry,
folks.  I  was  getting my third morning
coffee down at the Crossroads Cafe,  and
what  do  I  see but two sets of parents
frog-marching  teenagers  up  toward the
deputy  fire and police station for none
other than  setting off all those explo-
sions  you  all  were  asking  about the
night  before  last.  Case  closed!  For
legal reasons,  I   can't  disclose  the
names of  those involved, but  I CAN say
that  one of the  boys was wearing white
boxers  with  bright red hearts on them,
and  really should have pulled his pants
up  higher.  We  didn't  need to see the
cut-outs.

Deputy,  you have my sympathies.  If you
want the ladies of the town to go around
with  hats  for charitable contributions
toward the acquisition of suitable belts
and undergarments for use at the station
there, you just give us the word.

July 11, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm  told  I
was sexist, and I apologize.  The  men of
the town are, of course, entirely welcome
to go around asking  for money to buy new
undergarments  for delinquent  teens, and
so is any gender in between.

Remember Milly?  Probably  not, since the
little furball ran away almost a year ago
today, but believe it or not, I'm told by
her  owner that the collie just showed up
at  her  door,  filthy  but  bright-eyed.
Hopefully she stays there, this time, and
Nancy,  if  you  need a number for a good
landscaper to put up a higher fence,  you
know my number.

According  to  the ladies down at Bill's,
this  week  was  a  bumper  crop for dog-
related  incidents.  There have been  two
runaways,  a  broken hip due to a purple-
dyed poodle, which  we really should come
back to  in a debate over cruelty to eyes
at some point, and, last but not least, a
doggy  play  date has resulted in painted
paw-prints all  over the sidewalk down on
South Main  after  the  furry  miscreants
escaped  their  leads, knocked over a can
of paint and sprinted out to play 'chase'
down the street.

Speaking of animals and paint, why, I was
at  lunch with Lou and Bang Bang just the
other day and heard that SOMEone has been
out there painting ninjas on the sides of
buildings. The town hall got a hippo in a
tutu, Crops and Bobbers has a pair of
lovebirds flinging ninja stars, and a few
other readers have come up to report cows
and sheep, a frog, and a particularly
mean-looking pixie scattered about the
town.  I went out to see them myself, and
whoever this artist is, they're wasted on
tagging buildings. The calligraphy on the
slogans alone is gorgeous. Now if only I,
or any of my sources, spoke Japanese...

July 18, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am pleased
to say that we  have had an outpouring of
translators  willing  to  step  up to the
task of reading ninja graffiti.

Now,  in  no  particular order, my lovely
readers, this is what we've got:

* The potato is watching you.
* Big is big.
* Love the star killer.
* Fear the root-veggie of war.
* Dinosaurs aren't clever.
* Kickbox the snake plane.
* Taste the rainbow.

What does any of that  mean?  Heck  if  I
know,  but  the police are mighty curious
about the identity  of the one who did it
all.

In  other news,  what's this I hear about
you swearing  off of coffee, Jimmy?  Why,
half  the business at the Crossroads Cafe
comes from you and your addiction. What's
that nice  young  lady going to do?  I've
been informed by an anonymous source with
excellent  orange  cake  that  you'll  be
trying tea to make you feel younger.  Let
me know if  it works.  I could lose a few
decades myself.

Speaking of  losing things,  someone  has
been  leaving glitter trails all over the
mountain up on Salvation West, the ranger
crew tells me,  and hanging little "fairy
houses"  too,  but so far the only things
living in them are spiders and bird poo.

July 25, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack  Falls,  we  should
all  be  thankful to a group of anonymous
hikers and  their dog.  It hasn't hit the
news yet, I'm proud to say, but yesterday
evening, John Wellenby was taking a drive
up Salvation East to celebrate his wife's
fifth  deathday  when  a tree fell on his
car.  Darn near crushed him,  and  it DID
smash the antique end table in the trunk,
but with no cell service, he was up there
for four hours.  John,  with your hip,  I
don't blame you for waiting, but at least
we  all know Mabel would still has a good
sense  of humor.  I'll bet you a $20 that
it's her spirit that knocked that tree on
down. She never did like that table.

With that in mind, John has also asked me
to ask you all:  anyone good at carpentry
want  to  risk  Mabel's  ire and put that
table back together?

I've  got  another  odd bit of gossip for
you, and this one's a pickle. We all know
and love, or don't, the squirrels at this
time of year,  but is this  some  sort of
regional   squirrel  holiday  we  weren't
aware of?  I've  had half a dozen readers
come  up and  say  they've  been  finding
squirrels  crawling   in  all  manner  of
places.  Buildings with interesting roofs
seem  to be  their  favorites.  It's  not
even  Autumn yet -- why  are they in such
a hurry to hide their nuts?

Mrs. Pennythistle has a similar question
for  the  gentleman callers she has seen
entering, and leaving, a neighbor's home
the past few nights...

August 01, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  the  public
has  asked  me to inform you all that the
individual responsible  for  driving past
the  homes on  Miller Road at 2am blaring
extraordinarily loud and  thumping  music
has  been soundly chastised by the Miller
grannies for waking their grandbabies.

Millers, try Avalon.  She's the tea witch
Lefevre down on Main.  If anyone can give
that driver a good cursing, she can.

I'm told a certain teenager was "cursing"
a few people yesterday morning, too...  A
certain pair of red Converse sneakers was
found dangling  from the laces on a power
line.  Note: these were not the decrepit,
ancient  shoes  worn  by our favorite Kip
Kensington of Homepage Books.  These were
in good shape,  until  the pigeons pooped
inside them.

Little Tommy Mayer would like everyone to
know that he lost his toy RC plane flying
it over the cliff by the waterfall.  His
mama's docking his allowance until he can
buy his big brother a new plane, but he'd
like  all  the rock climbers out there to
know that he'll pay them in weeding or in
yardwork, or household chores, with which
he has a great  deal  of  experience,  if
they'd be willing to climb down and fetch
the plane from the rock it landed on.

What  do  you say, climbers?  Feel like a
refreshing slip and slide down moss-slimy
rocks beside a waterfall?

If you go, let me know, because I want to
be there to take pictures.  That'd be one
for the record books.

August 08, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I have some
good  news  from John Wellenby.  Strange,
but good.  Remember the tree that crushed
his car a couple weeks back? Remember his
request for aid in  putting Mabel's table
back together? Well, somebody did, and it
is  better  than ever, but his mysterious
benefactor wouldn't give a name, and John
says  it was the oddest thing -- all they
wanted was a rose  from  John's garden in
payment, fully bloomed, from his ma's old
bush out back.

Have  we gone and turned into the Vermont
variant  of  Beauty and the Beast while I
wasn't looking?

Just in case, be careful about little old
ladies needing help...and no, Timmy, I am
oldER,  but I am not old.  Give me twenty
years, at least,  so I can complain about
not  doing sky-diving enough in my future
retirement.

Speaking of being kind,  I hear tell that
the old church roof has sprung a leak.  A
whopping big one, from what I'm told. The
A   town   historian,   who  will  remain
nameless at his request,  has asked me to
remind  you all that the historical value
of  our local structures is incalculable,
and that future  generations  would thank
us if we could scrape the lint out of our
pockets.  Donations  are  at  an all time
low.

On  a  happier  note,  Margaret, you dog!
When you said you'd lost  30 pounds while
you were  down in Mississippi from having
that tape worm, I admit, I didn't believe
it. Now, lose those pants, next, and this
time, don't lose them in public.

August 15, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  get  to
learn  all about  the joys of having ears
that work as nature intended.  See,  Abel
McKinney has lived beside  Mupan and Ling
for  forty  years, and  for twenty years,
Abel's  wife  Mary-Anne  has been nagging
him, as you've no doubt heard, to get his
ears checked.

Well, he finally did.

I was getting a coffee the other day, out
on the sidewalk and chatting with friends
about nonsense, and what do I hear but an
angry Abel  going on and on to the police
deputy about noise, noise, noise, day in,
day out, from the neighbors next door. He
can't handle the drumming, the loud music
and games.

Abel,  I've  been  asked  by Mary-Anne to
tell you one thing: I told you so.

Here's another little item for you: who's
the  little  litterbug  leaving   plastic
garbage  all over the river?  It's been a
hot, hot week, and we've had half a dozen
reports from locals and tourists alike of
laundry detergent  bottles, soda bottles,
water  bottles,  all  strung  together or
with toothpicks poked into  their  sides,
caught in the nets under the bridges.

As always, if you hear anything about it,
you know where to bring the gossip.

August 22, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  am happy
to say that the mystery of the river-side
litterbug  has  been solved.  As it turns
out, little Andrew Altin has been getting
into his mother's recycling bins at night
and playing  Armada out on the water with
his friends, whose names were redacted at
Andrew's  request,  because  he  was  the
Captain and  he  should  go down with his
ship.

Andrew, kid, I salute your dedication.  I
also  understand  that  your  mother will
consider  public service at the boat dock
a suitable punishment.

Speaking of punishment and the river, we
heard from the police about it all, but I
went down to check the pylon with my own
peepers and hoo boy, that bridge is going
to be closed a good long while. For those
of you who aren't local, the Millers are
the town founders, and they run a logging
operation up the north side of the river,
small time. Somehow, a log managed to get
knocked  free  of  the Mill Pond by their
place, and floated its way downriver.  It
did  a number on part of Northbridge, and
what  is  that  going  to mean for us, my
readers?

Traffic.

We can only be grateful this all happened
before  prime leaf peeper season, but you
all know how quickly the trees turn here.
Why, I saw some red leaves just the other
day while I was out walking with friends.

I  heard  tell  from  a nice construction
gentleman that they estimate repairs will
take  at  least three weeks.  Hope South-
bridge can handle the tourist traffic!

August 29, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I  bring you
news of the blind leading the lame.  Mrs.
Hampton's old retriever,  Samwise,  is  a
good old boy,  but  he's been blind since
birth.  Half-deaf at this age,  too,  but
as she tells it,  why, he took one gander
at the geese along  the  river  bank  and
charged  right  on in, with Mrs. Hampton,
perforce,   attached.  She  says  they're
both okay, no one was injured,  but she's
going  to be keeping a closer eye out for
feathered fiends, because she could swear
those geese were laughing at them both.

I don't know about you, but at his age, I
think I'd be taking any opportunities for
fun that I could get.  That does bring up
the question: do dogs have bucket lists?

From  what I've been able to gather,  the
Millers sure do.  My sources tell me that
a certain Mr. Miller was overheard saying
he'd  like  to have the head of whichever
miscreant damaged his mill pond in one. I
have  heard  of  heads  on a platter, but
heads in a bucket?  That's new.

I'm sure you'll be hearing it on the news
tonight,  too,  but  my  one   and   only
question for the perpetrator is this: why
a bear coat?  Staying far enough from the
cameras to keep it blurry was just smart,
but bears don't use chain-cutters.

Johnny Miller's offering a reward to any-
one  who  can  help  the  family find the
perpetrator.

Speaking  of  perpetrators... Thank  you,
anonymous survey-writer,  for amusing our
tourists.  In case you didn't come across
any examples before town authorities took
them down, readers, let me share with you
a small handful of the questions tourists
found themselves asked:

* Do you find  Tamarack Falls  A) boring
   as  all get-out,  B) lost in the past,
   C) depressingly far from the mall,  or
   D) full of nincompoops (good word use)
   and nitwits?
* If your car is going to get stuck in a
   place with no cell reception, where do
   you  think you'll be?  A) on a road in
   the middle of town, B) at the top of a
   mountain  surrounded  by  people whose
   phones work just fine, or C) lost in a
   farm  full of  maple trees, surrounded
   by witches?
* Which festival is the most annoying?
   A) apples, B) pumpkin, C) more apples,
   or D) even more apples?

My  answers,  needless  to say, are C, C,
and how can you not like apples?

September 05, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I would like
to thank the mysterious stranger who sent
me this darling little card.  The message
inside of it is, regrettably, unprintable
even with convenient asterisks, so I will
not be able to share the details with the
public, but my little birdies tell me I'm
far  from  the only one  to have received
one. Drunken cats on all of them, and all
of them hand drawn.  Kudos, stranger. You
have  some  talent,  and  one  heck  of a
mouth on you.

The Game Warden, too, has quite the swear
jar-worthy vocabulary.  Missy Lewis  says
she  heard  him swearing up a blue streak
the other day after  getting back to  his
hut to find a crate full of rotting fish,
stinking the place up.  A note was pinned
to it, too, to apologize for catching the
fish out of season.

In  happier news, welcome back to school,
kids! I know it doesn't seem like it now,
but  one day,  you'll  look back on these
years and wonder  why you  ever wanted to
grow up...unless you're  a certain 8 year
old  I spoke to this past week, who wants
the her big  brother  and  his girlfriend
to know  that they  weren't nearly  quiet
enough about their nocturnal  adventures,
and  that she found a pair of smiley-face
panties under the couch cushions.

Her prices to return them are negotiable.
For full disclosure, I have been paid two
chocolate and cinnamon bonbons to say so.

What are your plans for this school year,
kids?  What  do  you  want  to  see  your
teachers teach?  Let me know! You may end
up in the paper.

September 12, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  your  votes
are in.  We  here  at  the Tamarack Times
have  all  taken a  look-see at  what the
children wrote,  and here are the top ten
requests for teachers from grades 4-12:

* Ninja Class (Samson, age 10)
* How To Fly (Del, age 11)
* Superhero Lessons (Mariah, age 11)
* How To Endure Siblings (Ted, age 14)
* How To Paint It Black (Blake, age 16)
* The Effects Of Cow Farts (Amy, age 13)
* Nap Period (Melinda, age 18)
* Comparative Fishing (Jason, age 15)
* Matrix Code (Emilia, age 17)
* How To Be A God (Renbo, age 9)

Alright, teachers.  You  have your lesson
goals.  Get crackin'!

Speaking  of  school,  I  have  some  hot
gossip from Patterson Middle School, this
week.  It  seems  that  nail  polish  has
become a source of contention among gangs
of students in different Houses. See, the
girls  and  boys  alike  decided on House
Colors after a poll  last week,  and this
week,  I'm  told  there  have  been three
locker fights,  two  swirlies and  a half
dozen arguments about girls AND boys  who
wore the wrong colors to school.

Kids,  may  the color of your fingernails
remain the biggest problem in your lives.
Also,  watch  out.  I went to high school
with your Principal, and he's a tough guy
to convince.

Following the colorful trend, I hear that
some congratulations are in order, Bobby!
Marilyn  down  at  the bait shop says you
caught yourself a record-setting  rainbow
trout.  Just  don't let that shark in the
lake eat it.

For that  matter,  I'd  avoid the lake at
the moment,  period.  How  on earth would
a shark that size GET there?

September 19, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I be talking
like a sea-dog rapscallion, yarrr.  Happy
Talk Like A Pirate Day, folks! Seems like
someone was getting into the spirit a bit
early:  I  heard  on the grapevine that a
silver chalice  had  been stolen from the
North Cathedral just the other day, right
out from under the noses of the priests.

Now, I don't condone theft, much less the
theft of holy items from churches,  and I
have to say,  anyone who'd do it had best
watch   out   for   lightning.  We'll  be
watching, too, so we  can find the crispy
critter.

I'm  told that teachers down at Patterson
are starting  to  "zap" the students with
new  rules  about  House  conduct, too...

The pirate  hats  with  feathers in House
colors WERE a clever touch, however.

Is everyone ready for the  apple festival
next week?  I  hear  that good ole' Mayor
Jack  himself has been asked to be on the
judging  committee  for  the pies.  Jack,
you  know  you  can count on me to record
each and every funny expression you make.
For posterity. What else are friends for?

Last  but  not  least, on a slightly more
disturbing note,  remember the Recyclable
Armada  from  a few weeks  past?  Well, I
was  talking to Andrew and his  friends a
few days  ago, and  they wanted me to let
you all know that they've decided to stop
using  the river for their Naval battles.
He  saw  "someone really creepy and pale"
watching them  at  night,  from the other
side  of the river, and  doesn't want his
mother to worry  about him  going missing
too.

September 26, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm  sure we
have  all  seen the Sixers' flyers posted
around town.  To  them,  I say: thank you
for keeping Crops and Bobbers in business
for another month.  Thirteen grandmothers
and  retirees  have dyed  their hair neon
pink this  week,  to, I quote, "show that
green-haired  hussy  what  a  real  woman
should wear."

Ladies,  ladies,  please get your sources
straight.  My  hair is Tahitian Teal this
time  around.  Acid  green  was  so  last
season.  Secondly,  I  do believe that we
are  all real  women, making  choices  of
our own,  without being condemned for it.
Number Six was a wonderful adversary with
excellent taste in typewriters. The least
you can do is live up to his legacy.

Speaking  of legacies, Tommy Attenborough
had   best   start  worrying  about  his.
Cheating in an apple pie contest? Really?
Stop on by my place, Tommy, and I'll show
you how to bake a crust from scratch. You
don't even need to bribe me with bonbons.

I hear tell that Ricky Lambert,  over  in
the  west valley by the old orchards, had
quite the shock,  himself.  He  swears he
didn't  do anything to his pumpkin patch,
but between  one  day  and  the next, his
prize-winning  sugar  pumpkins supposedly
grew  a  few hundred pounds larger.  Now,
Ricky, honey.  Are  you  sure  you didn't
just  have  leaves over  the  fruit?  You
know how  big  those  are, how  well they
can hide them.  If  not, tell me: did you
do anything  to make  a  witch happy with
you, lately?  Spare any black cats?

The  real  question  here  is how many of
your  prize-winning  pumpkin  pies you'll
be baking out of that pumpkin's meat, and
whether or not you'll be sharing any with
the  hard-working  professionals  down at
the Times...

October 3, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the  weather
may be gloomy, but the trees are glorious
and full.  God, I love our state in Fall.
Don't forget to get your snow tires early
on, folks.  We all know fiery trees  mean
frosty eaves, soon enough.

We've  had  a  quiet week, for which I am
thankful, and thank you,  too,  anonymous
letter-writer,   for   your  response.  I
couldn't agree more.

Everyone ready for the Halloween festival
coming up?  I hear tell they're selecting
the  judges for  the  costume competition
any day  now,  and  Mayor Jack  is on the
list.  What  do you think, Jack?  Feeling
judgmental?

Missy Lefevre  came  for  tea with me the
other day,  and I hear there are congrat-
ulations due.  Kudos,  Missy,  on getting
your  fourth book  published.  I've  read
them  all,  and  I've  got  to  say, your
imagination  is really something.  Realms
like  that seem mighty terrifying to this
mere mortal, but gods are gods.

For those of you who aren't into specula-
tive fiction, try this on for size: three
tourists were caught this past Tuesday by
the cliff, getting ready to try going off
the edge in a home made barrel.

People, people, people, think here.  That
cliff  is  at least two hundred feet, and
anyone who has  gone down to the preserve
by  the  base of the 'falls will know how
many  rocks  there  are.  Please .  Don't
throw your life away.  Study the physics,
for  Pete's  sake.  Even I know that, and
I managed  to  fail middle school science
classes twice.  Word to the wise: tanking
your  own  grade  to try getting out of a
class so you won't have  to dissect frogs
is a bad plan.  Doesn't work.

October 10, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have our-
selves  a  sticky  situation, folks.  Not
naming names, but SOMEbody managed to ram
a  truck  full of maple syrup jugs into a
tree on his way toward the market, and it
smells  like  the  road should be getting
out  the griddle to start making pancakes
even after all that rain.

Let  us  know  if you survive, mysterious
syrup-meister.  Your  uncle may never let
you see the light of day again after this
one.

On  lighter news, I was out and about the
other day, and  what  did I hear but that
we have a new romance in town,  worthy of
a Hallmark movie,  too,  by all I've been
told.  Dr.  Kensington,  Miss  Claire,  I
hope you both will be very happy together
here  in  Tamarack  Falls.  If  my spleen
ever starts  to  fall out of my whatever,
I know whom to call!

Now there's a question:  CAN one's spleen
fall  out  of  one's whatever?  Here's  a
second: where IS your spleen?  In the old
days, I'd have said, "Go to the library!"
to  find it out, but let's make this more
fun.  First  person  to  call in with the
right answer gets their name in the paper
next week.

While  we're on the subject of spleens, I
will give  bonus points to anyone who can
share just what your spleen does, and why
we vent them at each other.

October 17, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am pleased
to  announce  that  we  have  forty-seven
would-be  spleen sleuths, but only six of
them got the question right.  Thanks, Dr.
Kensington!

Kudos  go  to Anne Fry, Ninatt Kolshovik,
Adam Mundy,   Jake Raymond,  Leigh Irving
and Casey McMasters.

To answer the bonus question, folks, your
spleen helps filter blood,  and no, it is
not  a  ventilation system.  In the olden
days, shortly  before troglodytes such as
yours truly  were  born, we didn't know a
whole  lot about what  our giblets did to
keep us all  alive. Look  up the 'humors'
if  you're curious, but long story short,
your spleen  used to  hold your ill humor
and melancholy, and sometimes,  you  just
had to let all of that bad air out.

No, Johnny, that is not the same thing as
crop-dusting the entire row behind you at
the  movie  theater  last Saturday.  This
rumour  brought to you by Johnny's cousin
Gloria,  who  requested  that I state she
feels  no shame in calling him out due to
the  severe  olfactory   trauma  suffered
during the incident.

Halloween  is  coming up, and the town is
starting to look  mighty spooky at night.
Don't  forget to start prepping your snow
gear, just in case.  I know of two people
I could mention, but won't, who regretted
it last year and asked me to remind them.

Consider yourselves reminded!

I  hear  tell there was some drama at the
festival committee meeting, too. Shame on
you,  Harold,  for letting that tarantula
loose around Amazons like Henrietta Klein
and Patty Small. I hope its last meal was
a good one.  If it starts pouring buckets
of rain on us, we'll know whom to blame.

October 24, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are reap-
ing  the  fruit  of last week's tarantula
slaughtering  incident.  Let's  hope  the
weather  clears  before  the  festivities
next week , or  this  will  be  one soggy
Spook-a-Thon.

If  you haven't tried it yet,  I heartily
suggest  attempting  the  corn  maze down
by  the airport.  It's  a  bit of a drive
for those  of us up here in town, but the
carnival team  has  really  outdone them-
selves this year with the decorations.  I
hear  tell  you  can dress up as a zombie
and scare the ever-living  daylights  out
of your  friends,  too,  but  I  wouldn't
know anything about doing that myself.

Don't listen to  Christopher Higgins.  He
clearly  hasn't  watched  enough  monster
movies, since he walked around the corner
and didn't even LOOK.

Molly, you  have  my  apologies  for  the
dirty laundry.

In less frightening  news, I hear we have
a new crusader zooming around town.  Does
wearing a cape make him a superhero?  I'm
assuming it's a he,  but do forgive me if
I'm  wrong,  noble hero,  and keep up the
good  work  writing  the  wrongs  of  the
townsfolk.  You read that correctly: this
hero  is  the  one  leaving  those little
paper pyramids on doorsteps.  I'm told  I
had some recycling in my garbage bin this
week, for which I apologize, hero.

If anyone  else would like a public forum
to air  their  sins,  the  Tamarack Times
Gossip Column would be happy to assist...

October 31, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, unsurprising
to anyone who knows humanity, we actually
have  a  fair number of people wanting to
air the caped hero's sin-notes.

For politeness' sake,  names will be left
out.  They know who they are.

* Left a grocery bag on her porch, which
   blew away and got stuck in a tree. She
   would  like  the hero to know that she
   did mean to pick it up again, but for-
   got to  grab it after finding out that
   the  cat  had  shredded  three sets of
   furniture upholstery, then vomited all
   over it.
* Danced naked in the back yard.
* Didn't  close  curtains while neighbor
   was dancing naked in the back yard.
* Didn't  help  a  little old lady cross
   the street  when she was struggling to
   haul  a  bag of groceries around.  I'm
   just glad  nobody suggested that I was
   the little old lady, this time!
* Three separate people received bluejay
   notes to say that they had jaywalked.

On  a  different note,  happy  Halloween,
folks!  Keep  it  safe out  there, and if
you  have any extra cinnamon bon-bons you
can't find  a home for, you know where to
send them.

I  haven't  been able to learn whether or
not this one is true, but it was too good
to resist putting into the column.  There
may or may not have been a Thriller flash
mob at the gas station  down in the city,
which I'm sorry I missed, if it did occur
at all... What fun event these days isn't
captured on ANY smartphones?

Karen, capturing fewer people on your own
smartphone would make your mother's China
plates  much happier in future.  A little
birdy tells  me  they're  in  more pieces
than Adam's attempt  at  building  a shed
out of scrap wood.

November 07, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  hope you
are all floating along the happy river of
after-Halloween chocolate sales.  I  know
I am.

In more serious news, Mr. Toby Baggins of
Bag-End  Enterprises  would  like  me  to
inform you  all  that  he can't help what
his  parents  found  amusing as a company
name, but he CAN help the world use fewer
plastic bags.  As for me?  I  could use a
lot more jokes about that name, but Toby,
I respect  what  your company's trying to
do.

I  do  not,  however, respect the stinker
who left a burning paper bag of doggy poo
on Mrs. Malcolm's doorstep.  Shame on you
for that.  Even if she is a math teacher,
she's still better than a flaming pile of
canine plops.

Anyone  ever  wonder where the businesses
will stop?  My  inbox  is full of burning
sales,   hot  sales,  pre-pre-pre-pre-pre
Black Friday sales...  We're  barely  one
week  into  November,  and already, every
storefront's full of Christmas. What ever
happened to taking time to appreciate the
season?

We've got the First Snow celebration soon
if the weather folks are right,  so don't
forget  to  ask  your local rangers where
the wild holly is growing on the mountain
this year.

Speaking  of  celebrations, who's excited
to  try  their luck with the Frozen Bread
Guy contest  this winter?  We may not get
to it  until December at this rate,  with
snowfalls  as  low  as  they've been, but
who  knows?  We  could have a deep enough
snow pack  by Thanksgiving.  I'm  looking
forward to being beaten by schoolchildren
with  a  much  better grasp on chemistry,
myself.  Challenge  accepted, Mr. Berger.
Challenge accepted.

November 14, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, am I good or
am I good?  First Snow was a definite hit
this  year,  as  far  as  my  sources are
concerned.  Good job, folks, and good job
to the holly bushes, too,  for growing so
well.

Emma, I would say good job, but I'm still
not sure how you managed to lose both the
shoe  and the pants on your way down that
hillside.  I'll settle for being glad you
didn't crack your head open. You know all
those stories about lips as red as blood,
skin as  white as snow?  You really don't
want  to be that princess.  Promise.  The
job is not worth the sunscreen.

I hear tell there was a bit of a snafu at
the Winter Palace, too...  Kurt,  you are
a darling boy, but when your mama says to
keep  your  clothes  on  in  public,  you
should do what she says.  The 'no shirts,
no shoes' sign doesn't  mean to take them
off.  Hard  to believe you're getting old
enough to read already.

Speaking  of  small  children,  is anyone
missing a cat?  We've  had  three of them
show up here at the office, and they sure
seem  like  domestics.  Either  that,  or
they are feline con artists attempting to
survive the winter, which I would not put
past them.  We'll post  photos on the Web
for folks to look at, but  in  the  mean-
while, I have a new fuzzy overlord to get
catnip for.

November 21, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, do we have a
new romance in the offing?  Rocco, Rocco,
has the Vamplifier finally succumbed?  We
have several  eye-witnesses who claim you
not  only  welcomed,  but  enjoyed  being
bitten  in public by the local elf queen,
and  don't you think we didn't notice the
fact that you've  been wearing more color
lately.

Let's  hope  she  had  a lot of mouthwash
handy.  I sure  wouldn't  bite those ears
without it.

Crossroads Cafe has been a busy place for
love  this  week,  or so I'm told.  Three
separate  proposals,  even,  one of which
included a seven-foot teddy bear  costume
which took four people to cram in through
the door.  Only in Tamarack Falls, folks.

Surprise: he said yes.

Has anyone else been hearing dogs barking
at night? I've gotten three complaints to
share around,  but  the rangers have been
out and about and haven't seen a thing.

Hikers,  if  you get eaten by ghost dogs,
please let us  know  so we can figure out
who wins the office bet.

Speaking  of  bets,  I hear that Old Jack
Desrochers owes Jack Jr. and Pat a pretty
sum  for  the last blind date he tried to
send them on.  Pat,  I don't blame you in
the least  for not wanting to marry some-
body  who hated beer, Vermont, curly hair
and blueberries.

Seriously.  Who could hate blueberries?

November 28, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it's time to
get baking!  If  you want  to participate
in  the   Frozen  Bread  Guy competition,
don't forget to sign up at the town hall,
and bring a copy of your recipe. A ranger
will escort you out to  the mountainside,
to select  a  spot for your bread and log
the location.

Enough  of  that!  Let's get to the juicy
stuff.   I   hear  tell  there  was  some
"delicious" drama at  the  general  store
the  other  day  over  the  last  can  of
cranberry sauce.  I know  I'm not a legal
authority  over sauces  (is  there one?),
but  I feel I can safely say that it does
not belong where it  ended up.  Katy, you
really  do  have unplumbed depths.  Maybe
we should keep them that way.

Speaking of plumbing,  anyone else notice
the number of storms these days?  Most of
them have been down over the city, but it
sure  seems wetter than the early winters
I remember.

Current  Thanksgiving  plans for a number
of people include searching the river for
the  'sea monster' living there.  People,
people,  if it is called a 'sea' monster,
it  lives in the sea.  At least call it a
river monster.  As I hear it,  the  beast
appears  day or night, eyes in the water,
any time someone tosses garbage into  the
river.  I don't know whether this is some
clever prank  or  Mother Nature's  way of
letting us know she's tired of being used
as a rubbish heap.  What do YOU think?

December 05, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  thank  you,
Vamplifier, for the bouquet.  It takes up
a  good  3/4  of my office's floor space,
and is almost as delightful as the box of
cinnamon bon-bons Chris Fry brought in to
bribe me not to talk about the thing I've
been bribed not to add to this column.

Smart cookie, that Chris.

But  back  to  you,  Rocco.  If my humble
column  can put a cramp in your needs,  I
hesitate  to  suggest  alternatives   for
reasons of litigation and public  safety.
I do appreciate the pet name.  It's  been
a couple of weeks since the Bite Incident
at  Crossroads,  however.   How  ARE  you
doing    with   your   latest   paramour?
Inquiring readers yearn to know.

On the subject of handsome men in need of
a good bath,  I hear tell the local fire-
fighters are putting on  a calendar shoot
some time next week.  Hubba hubba. I know
I won't mind seeing THAT parade along the
river bank.

Farther down the river, I hear tell folks
have been seeing a monkey, of all things,
down in Riverside Park. Mrs. Maidley says
it's making  quite the nuisance of itself
down  there,  playing in the  river.  The
thing seems to love kids,  but adults and
cats  it  runs  from.  Dogs, I'm told, it
simply stares at.

Anyone  got  a really big net?  It worked
so well with Curious George.

December 12, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we  have yet
another dust-up at the Crossroads Cafe to
chat about.  Now,  I've  heard a few dif-
ferent versions of this one, so bear with
me.

In the first version, a  homeless man was
bothering a local gadget girl, and when I
say bothering, I mean getting handsy with
her under the table.

In the second version, the guy was pretty
obviously off his Adderall,  and badgered
the girl until she swapped tables just to
get away from him.

In the third version, that young man gave
the girl  so  much  trouble, she ended up
crawling underneath a  table to hide from
him and cry.

In all versions,  he  was firmly escorted
from the premises after the event.

Men,  if a woman starts to cry in public,
heck, if ANYONE starts  to cry in public,
don't keep pushing. That's how you end up
like Johnny Lu,  isn't it,  Johnny?  Good
thing  your  skull's  so thick, or Abby's
frying pan would have done more than dent
it.  Come on  by  the office when you can
see straight again.  We'll chat, and I'll
give you some advice.

The  holiday  committee  doesn't need any
advice this year, on other news.  Hoo boy
are they on fire! I don't think I've ever
seen  us  get those  greenery swags up as
quickly  as  we  did  this  year, and for
that  I thank Abel Miller and  his  early
break  at  university.   An   engineering
degree is good for something!

December 19, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I  have  the
privilege of holding an  adorable  little
person on my lap while writing this.  Joy
would like me to say  that 'googoo' isn't
searching for the fun 'ootube' videos she
thought  she would be  getting  when  she
crawled up  here  today.  Consequence  of
visiting a family  friend while  she's at
work, kiddo.

On the subject of family visits, I've got
a poll for you,  my readers: how early is
too   early  for  visiting  relations  to
arrive  for  the holidays?  Weeks?  Days?
Hours?  Call,  write or email  the office
with  your  answers  the  usual  address,
gossip@tamaracktimes.com.

Let's get to the good stuff.

I  hear  tell  that  someone(s) set off a
whopping big lot of fireworks down in the
city, somewhere in Riverside Park,  close
to the hospital.  Roman candles, peonies,
chrysanthemums,  and  some  which  almost
seemed like artillery explosions.  Police
are still searching for the source. Gang?
West Side Story-esque fireworks gangs are
definitely going on my "want to see dance
fight" list.

Also in Fort Brunsett,  whoever's nailing
fish heads  to the homes around the lake,
ugh.  I  agree  that  people  should stop
throwing  junk into  the  water,  but  is
murdering  fish  really the  way to prove
your point?  I may or may not have gotten
a glimpse of one of the notes left on the
doors...

The soggy notes.  Anyone else notice  how
much it's been raining lately?  I thought
the weather guys said it would snow!

On the subject of watery trouble, Charles
Chester of recent bridge-slip fame claims
to have seen heaven under the water.  The
way he tells it, he was fished out of the
water  by  some sharp-toothed devil,  and
he's convinced that  heaven's  full of no
more  than  terrifying ghosts, not angels
and harp-songs.  I  don't know about you,
but I'm inclined to believe your doctors,
Charles.  Hallucinations seem a mite more
likely than a peek into a dystopian tooth
paradise.

Last but not least, if anyone sees a mutt
named Willoughby wandering around, little
Jimothy has lost him, and is hoping for a
Christmas miracle.

December 26, 2019

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, our  holiday
celebrations   are   well  underway!  The
trees are lit, the greenery is  swaggy on
columns and doors, and wreaths are every-
where...including on the ground.

Listen to this one, folks.  Little Mister
Applebooties,  the three  year old feline
accomplice  of  miss  Amanda Miller,  has
single-pawedly  declared  war  upon   the
Miller  family swag.  Every time they get
the  greenery  up,  this  cat escapes and
down the green stuff goes.

Amanda, ever  thought of checking whether
Mr. Applebooties has pine allergies?  I'd
look into it, for his sake.

On other news, don't forget about the New
Year Nail-Up coming up, readers.  If  you
get in  early  enough, you might even get
to see some shirtless blacksmiths slaving
away in front of fires for your pleasure.
Hubba hubba.  I've  got  my eye on a tall
hunk of Indian subcontinent,  myself, and
mi eye candy's su eye candy.

Thank you, too, to the anonymous donor of
twelve pounds of chocolate bon bons, mugs
and very excellent cinnamon coffee. I hid
them well, and I won't say where, because
the office vultures are keen  of eye  and
very, very good at finding ways into file
cabinets.

Difference between revisions of "Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2019"