Revision as of 16:13, 20 April 2018

Tamarack Times Gossip Column

Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.

Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.

They can be found on +bbread 3, the Media board.

This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.

March 16 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week  in Tamarack Falls,  we've all 
learned the value of not  trusting Jimmy
Miller  when he says  his  dog is smart. 
No  smart dog  would  run in front of  a   
plow going  full-tilt,  but the vet says 
the pup's going to  recover just in time
for  the  Spring  tourist  season  and
chasing muddy motorcycles.             
                                     
What isn't going to recover?  Maddy
Nichols'  flower  beds,  seeing  as  Mr.
Miller  ran  that plow up over the curb. 
Lopped  the heads right off four  of the
gnomes, too.

A newcomer  got  in  a  good brawl  this
past  weekend in front of Cyclone,  too,
and that  makes  the sixth since the new
bar opened.  Six fights in a month. 
What does this mean for you, my readers?
Jack squat.  The Mayor, I have it from a
reliable  source,  has  no  intention of
telling that nice young lady off.

March 23 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  Spring has
sprung,  and what it's sprung is a great
big  leak.  Word to the wise:  don't let
your  pipes  freeze  like  a  certain
somebody down on Main Street, or you get
what  they  got:  a hefty bill and soggy
floors.

Keep those faucets dripping!

Speaking  of  dripping,  now,  I  don't
usually  go  for  the  dark  meat,  but
there's  a huge hunk of stranger  around
town  who's  more than enough to warm my
oven.  I'm minded to ask  him over for a
cup of sugar,  if Lou and BangBang don't
get to him first.

Seems  there's  been  banging  of  a
different  kind up on the mountain.  Odd
noises in the  mine,  lights  at  night. 
I'd  keep  my teenagers  pent tight if I
had any.  Never  know  what  those  kids
will go and get into.

March 30 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week  in  Tamarack Falls,  the town
had  its first shooting in a long,  long
while.  All  of you coffee  addicts will
have to get your fix elsewhere,  because
this  columnist  is told  by  a reliable
source that the Crossroads Cafe is going
to be closed until Friday morning.  Hope
the owner's  taking time to write up how
she wants that story told.

Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied
with  my own  little eye none other than
Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in
one  mighty  big    hurry.  Can't  be
drinking, because we  all know the Mayor
would  never touch  lip to bottle on the
job.  Isn't that right, Suzanne?

I don't  know about you,  but I've heard
some mighty fine things about our Miller
boys this season for the roads,  as much
snow  as we've  been  getting,  and  I'm
giving them  a shout-out  for a job well
done.  Now  if  only  they  could  do it
without  shirts...  Hubba  hubba.  Rest
assured,  if you  boys ever want to do a
calendar for  charity,  the Enid Schmitt
Foundation  will gladly accept your kind
donation.

April 06 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've seen
what happens when you drive a motor bike
into  a  river.  We've also  seen  what
happens when your mother finds out about
it, haven't we, Jimmy?

Don't stop.  You provide so many  column
inches.

Got some delicious hints swirling around
town this week  of  a new baker  on  the
loose, but no one's owning up to leaving
cupcakes on doorsteps just yet,  or what
exactly those sprinkles on top were made
of.  Watch out, Martha.  You  could have
some competition.

Watch out for moose!

Heard tell one  of the  farmers west  of
town had an antlered  visitor attempting
to make nice  with his Morgans the other
day.  She wasn't having any,  and that's
a damn shame, with a rack like that.

April 13 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is
busy busy busy, and so is the gossip! 

With Easter only days away,  you'd think
people would know better than to go egg-
tossing  at  police cars,  wouldn't you,
Mikey?  Once  you're  done hand  washing
all of the squad  cars, mind coming over
to do mine?

I've seen  a lovely  young  lady out and
about  a-wandering  this  week,  but  no
handsome  young  lad to accompany her on
the  riverbank.  Watch  the  east,  now.
Things on that side get slippery.

The mystery cupcakes continue!

Who IS  our  secretive pastry chef?  Lou
and  Bang Bang  say  they're  offering a
free hair cut to anyone who can identify
the source of their decadent delectables
this week.

April 27 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've  had
an exciting go  of it,  but if you don't
like tall,  dark,  mysterious strangers,
why do we care anyway?  This  man rolled
in  on a bus at an ungodly hour,  I tell
you,  I've  heard  it  from  a reputable
source myself,  wearing  all black,  and
talked  with a few foreigners for hours.
Just who is  this  mystery man,  and how
can  I convince  him to come over for MY
coffee?  Hubba hubba.

Certain  indiscretions  were  overheard,
I'm told,  at the  Crossroads Cafe.  Now
I  wasn't there myself, but in my humble
opinion,  people  with so  many  secrets
really ought  to be  better  at  keeping
them.  Most  folks  aren't  so  pleased
about going  to  court,  young  man.  Be
careful what you say.

Be careful what you eat, too, because by
golly  these  cupcakes just keep coming. 
Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come
up  and  lie  about  baking  them again. 
I've  tasted  your  cooking,  and  it's
enough to make a cat laugh!

May 04 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've  had
a delicious little peccadillo at the new
bookstore  in  town.  I've  had reliable
reports  of  more  than  one  romantic
entanglement  gone  wrong,  and,  even
better,  I hear  tell a lady stormed out
altogether  after  a  certain pint-sized
bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.

Hot sales at Homepage!  Thefts,  too.  A
few  books  seem to be missing, but with
the owner such  a  hot item,  I wouldn't
presume to wonder why...

Speaking  of shopkeepers,  someone ought
to  set  up  a  secret  sale  over  at
Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got
some  folks  who can't keep their mouths
shut  in  public.  There  are  better
places  to chit-chat about local queens,
and  if  I'm  hearing about it, how many
others are?

If  you  haven't been down to the Evelyn
Miller  Memorial  Gardens  yet,  do  it,
because  showers of  white  petals  are
about  as close to snowfall as I want to
think about right now.  Is Winter over?

May 11 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  the rising
temps  have seen a corresponding rise in
idiots thinking  the  signs  about rapid
currents  are  for  amateurs.  Really,
Megan,  you  didn't  have  to prove your
parents  right  BEFORE  you  left  for
college.  They  always  told you  not to
date  him.  This  is  why.  Go  have  a
coffee,  meet  a  handsome  god.  Have a
fling you'll never forget.

Speaking of flinging with gods,  trouble
in  paradise?  Forget  what  I said last
week about a secret-share.  We just need
a  full-time time-share  with that cutey
Hazel  on  the  Crossroads  Cafe,  Thom,
because she's giving  us  a spot with so
much material!  And men.  The men!

The screaming, the throwing,  the drama,
la, c'est vraiment magnifique!

Last  week's  book  owner  gave  us  all
another  stunning example of what NOT to
do in a relationship,  and hoo boy,  let
me  tell you,  kid,  skirt-hopping after
popping your cherry with  a  girl is not
a  way  to  make a friend.  I  could use
your  name,  but then,  you  already had
it  shouted  across  the  entire  cafe.
There's such a thing as pity. 

Have mine.

May 18 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  I have  to
applaud  the  folks trying to hook me up
with  Bigfoot.  Don't  get  me wrong.  I
like...big...men  as  much as  the  next
woman,  but  the  hair?  Would  YOU want
that  between  your  teeth?  Nice try,
kiddos.

Speaking  of big men,  I hear  tell that
Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.
Tough to get prettier than he is, and my
reliable source  confirms that they went
quite  out  of their way to have a very,
very expensive  bite  to  eat.  Keep the
beauties  here,  folks!  Someone go  get
rich and build a fancy restaurant called
Something Blue.  Pay  me  a  nice  juicy
commission and the IP's yours!

Sadly, not  everyone  is hooking up this
week.  Sorry,  Betsy.  I told you, lemon
juice down  under  on date night,  not a
good  idea.  What guy  wants his girl to
show up with yellow unmentionables?  Not
any I know, that's for sure.  Heard tell
of  an  oddball  breakup  at  Crossroads
Cafe,  too.  Who'd  WRITE  their breakup
lines and  hand them to a guy instead of
SAYING  them?  Then  again, given who it
was,  staying  quiet's  an  improvement.
Sorry, kid.  Stop by the paper some time
for a bad coffee.

May 25 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  there  was
quite the commotion over at our favorite
sap's  book  store.  The  way I hear it,
while the girl  behind the counter tried
to  hush  it  up  with  louder  music,
customers report  a  woman  shouting  at
someone  (three  guesses who),  and even
something  shattering.  Hoo boy,  this
kid's  a  treat!  Never leave.  You make
my job a breeze, Kip.

Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?
Had  a  few muscled young farmers (hubba
hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying
around, no falconer in sight.

Mary  Adams  was mighty breezy, too, the
other  day.  What  are you trying to do,
be  Vermont's  soggy  Monroe?  Who wears
white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?
Love    the    neon  piglets  on  the
unmentionables.

Last  but  not least, catch it quick.  I
hear they're power washing that horrible
wall  lickety  split  to  get  it  off.
Someone went and (spray)painted the city
red,  some  poem  about  sorrow and love
scribbled  all  over  the  side  of  a
building down  by the corner of Rockdove
and  Mack.  Police  are  looking for the
artist to give them a talking to, and so
am I!  I've  got  to  know, how DID they
climb that wall?  Do we have ourselves a
brand new Spiderman?

June 02 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've  had
a  positive dearth  (that's an SAT word,
Sally,  but you  wouldn't  know that, on
account of skipping  school to play with
Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from
the town's favorite bookstore owner.

Kip, you disappoint us.

News from Fort Brunsett  says that local
Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity
like  it's going out of style.  The food
bank's  sure  to  thank him, but where's
our cut?  Hungry newspaper services need
to snack!  I  have a particular fondness
for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.

Those  of  you of a mind to go joining a
cult have got a  new  temple,  I'm told. 
Haven't  visited  myself,  but  reliable
sources say  it's  a  hoot.  Night club,
Fort  Brunsett,  keep  your  teens  on
leashes, parents, because it sounds like
something right up their alley.

Last but  not least, oh ho, not least by
far,  we have a lovely contribution from
one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat.  I hear
there  was  quite  the handsome stud the
other day, took his clothes right off to
wash them all  buck naked.  A cowboy hat
over  the fun bits really does ruin some
of the joy, but mister, whoever you are,
that grandmother says you can give her a
show  whenever  you like!  Ladies,  it's
time  to  break  your washer and head to
the Laundromat because there's more than
suds perking up around there!

June 08 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we
had a record number of  Web hits for SAT
words to stump me with. Try harder.

I have a few for you, my rabid readers:
* semaphore
* duress
* substantiate

They  are  all,  one  is  certain, quite
appropriate words to use when describing
the  delectable  moaning  at  a  certain
bookstore  owner's  table  this  week. 
Surrounded  by  two  women,  no  less.
In public.  Kip, Kip, groupies already.

It  sounds  like one of those moaners is
prepping  for  a  street fair, soon, and
wants me to get wet along with her.  Far
be it from me to deny dunk tanks for
charity.

Hear that,  Lou?  That's  the sound of a
good  dye  job spiraling down the drain,
and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.

June 15 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &
State" by a mystery admirer.  Patron's a
little masculine, don't you think?  I'll
put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm
up for titles, folks.  Or Maven.  That's
much better.  What do YOU think?

The bonbons were delicious.  Thank you!

Speaking of  admirers,  Tommy,  you know
that little word Rebecah told you at the
farm?  I hear you didn't.  Also,  keep a
better eye out for security cameras next
time  you  and  the  boys  want  to
'anonymously' egg my house, and at least
dye  the  shells  first.  White's  so
ordinary, don't you think?

I  hear  tell  the  statue  down  on
Stagbridge  got itself a golden surprise
of its  own,  not  to mention any of the
cars  driving past it.  I think my tires
aspire  toward  pole-dancing,  as  much
glitter as  they've got in their treads. 
Gallons of gold glitter, I can see.  The
gold  top  hat and suit?  Sure hope they
don't  want  those  back.  I  distinctly
recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.

June 22 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  I have the
inestimable joy  of  reporting that  our
much-reported Kip is back in the paper:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!

Which of your girlfriends did you invite
to the party?

If  you  haven't  checked  out our local
Instagram  princess,  take a  gander  at
Franklyn Garreau.  Then again,  reliable
sources indicate she  may be dating C.B.
Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?

I don't know about poaching, but setting
hearts on  fire  is  one thing.  Setting
hunks of  fence  on  fire  is  something
altogether  different, and the volunteer
firefighters  are  still looking for the
culprit  on  that  one.  Who  needs  a
bonfire in THIS weather?

No,  Henrietta,  despite best efforts to
the contrary,  the burning smell down by
the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's
caboose.  What  sound  DOES a frying pan
full  of hot  potatoes make against bare
skin?

June 29 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
we have a man down in the city who needs
to be disabused of his avian heredity. I
don't know what drugs he was on,  but if
they can make  a  guy jump out of a tree
forty feet high, they've got to be some-
thing.  Kids,  don't do drugs.  Hospital
bills are killers.

So are  hunters,  but  it's not a hunter
bugging deer this time.  Seems there was
a  fight down at the The Union bar,  not
unusual,  Alexanders  being  Alexanders.
The  hotties  in  blue didn't want it to
get out,  but come, officers, how can we
resist?  The deer  was cheating, see. It
helped  the  other  guy out,  but in my
humble  opinion,  the  deer's  the real
victim here; it already died once. Let's
leave that buck alone.

Last  but not least,  this  juicy tidbit
was witnessed by yours truly down at the
Crossroads Cafe  just yesterday.  Is our
favorite Kip being left behind?  Mina, I
have to say,  you look fabulous.  Unlike
your choice in men.

Really, that hair? 

Sid, darling,  thank you for the flower.
Get a tailor.  And a hairdresser.  Don't
forget a barber.

July 06 2017

--------------------------------------   --------------------------------------

         LETTER to the EDITOR

Dear Ms. Schmitt,                        reputations in  public.  Is  this what
                                         the     area's    populace    consider
Since  no one  else will  condemn your   "entertainment"?   Are  you  making  a
travesty  of  a column,  it falls upon   living  off  the  suffering of others?
me to do so.                             Then  you  need  to  stop and consider
                                         what   you're  doing,  not  just  what
In  an  area  the  size  of  the  Fort   generates  more  subscribers  for your
Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column   newspaper.
like  yours  can  only  sow strife and   
discord.  You're no doubt aware of the   I  will  be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,
damage  your  column  does,   but  you   and  I  know I'm not the only one.  We
continue thanks  to "loyal" readership   the people  will  not  be  silenced or
who  likely slaver for whatever scraps   intimidated by your petty,  small-town
you deign to give them.                  small-mindedness.  Remember  that  you
                                         are   a   public  figure,  and  public
You should be  ashamed of yourself.  I   figures have a duty to do right by the
have  personally  witnessed  or  heard   public.
tales  of   your   column  threatening   
relationships,   striking  unnecessary   Be seeing you,
terror  into  the hearts of the timid,   
and  causing people  to fear for their   Number Six

--------------------------------------   --------------------------------------
                                         
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S         trouble was looming overhead.
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT       
                                         Even Jack's.  Don't listen to protests
This  week in Tamarack Falls,  I  have   otherwise.
the  unalloyed  joy  of  a threatening   
letter to report, my rabid readers! It   Second,  I  do  have  rather  a lovely
slanders  my  reputation,  which  I am   word  affair with Kip, don't I?  He is
perfectly  capable of doing on my own,   an  exquisite   example  of  the  male
darling Six,  and claims  a conspiracy   species.  By  drawing attention to the
of watchers -- just for me!              pairings I   do,   I  serve  a  social
                                         purpose   beyond   my   own  pleasure,
I'm flattered. Truly.                    though  I  will be first to assure you
                                         that writing about Kip is never dull.
Also,  typewriters  are fantastic, and   
I  would  love  to chat with you about   Gossip brings people together.
the  ink you  used.  I have an Olympia   
myself,   manual  of  course.  There's   Social rules these days aren't written
something  so  authentic  about  using   in a  book.  We live them.  By shining
equipment  which  will  last a hundred   the light  of day on transgressions, I
years.                                   show  the community where it could use
                                         a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,
Don't you agree?                         I  make them  laugh about it.  We're a
                                         small town in a great big world.
I do,  however,  disagree  with you on   
several points. Let us address them in   Does the entire town need to know that
order, shall we?                         Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies
                                         underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday
First,  size  has  nothing  to do with   afternoon   at  church?  Probably not,
the  media's ability  to influence the   but the shame of it will keep the girl
public.   It   is  our  duty  and  our   from doing it again,  now,  won't  it,
privilege to report,  faithfully,  the   Essie?
issues of the modern era.  In my case,   
this  being  an  entertainment column,   Does the entire town need to know that
yes,  dear,  revenues  do  indicate  a   I  admired  the  hot new teller at the
significant value  in my opinions, and   hardware store?  Probably  not, but he
I  have the personal gratitude of many   should be a firefighter so I can get a
who  would  otherwise never have known   calendar and  think  about my misspent
                                         youth...

July 13 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
delighted by the show of support from my
loyal  readers.  Thank  you   for   your
letters, ladies and gents.

As  for Six...  Surely  you were joking.
Telling   me   to   throw    my  darling
typewriter  out  a  window  is  not  the
commentary of  a  man who truly respects
his machines. 

On better news, our beloved Kip has used
the  kerfuffle to  earn  money  for  the
local  library,  for  which I thank him,
and  I  only  regret  he wasn't there to
sell  me  my  'E'  pin  all  by himself. 
He did,  however, give me  my  very own,
via Ms. Green, for which I thank him.  I
always knew I was a Queen!

Speaking  of queens,  I hear tell one of
Kip's  many ladies  may  be  hitting the
stage again,  and  wouldn't that   be  a
treat?   Break  a  leg, Mina!  I forgive
your lapse in judgement. 

For the rest of the Sixers out there,  I
fully  expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a
la  West Side Story,  down  Main Street.
Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,
can't you?  I know you will.

July 20 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a record number of fender benders, and I
can't  say I blame them.  'Pretty Woman'
doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were
less happily married to my job,  I might
be jealous  at  all the  attention she's
been getting.  Whoever she is.

Keep  an  eye out down by the riverbank.
Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want
any accidents.

In other news,  it  seems Cyclone is off
the  hook  for the latest  public brawl,
folks.  None other than our favorite Kip
was seen at Homepage Books duking it out
with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ
on whether it was over who was better in
the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.

Personally, seeing as there was shouting
and carrying on from at least two women,
one  of  which is the  lovely Mina,  the
other of which is an Angel,  I'm leaning
toward  the  gentlemen brawling over hot
dates.  Or their dates' honor...

I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl
for MY honor, that's for sure.  What do
you  say,  folks?  Feel up  to fighting
the good fight?

July 27 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
very little gossip-worthy action. Such a
shame.

That said,  Kip,  you  should go out and
talk  to Emma about cows.  I hear tell a
heifer had a thing or two to  say  about
a certain someone daydreaming instead of
paying attention to where she was going.

Crews are  still working to clean up the
tree limbs  brought  down  by that freak
thunderstorm  earlier this week,  so  be
patient   and   be  careful   if  you're
thinking about hiking  up Salvation.  If
you're   thinking    about   hiking   up
Mischance,  take care, and watch out for
Adam  Morrison.   Young,   black   hair,
creative.  His  friends said he was last
seen  near the mines during a LARP.  The
Miller boys intend to do a grid search
of the area this weekend if he isn't
found.

August 17 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  at  last I
return from two weeks in sunny,  utterly
dull  and  boring Florida.  Not a single
thing worthy of my talents, which says a
bit in  and of itself.  I'm  with Green,
Frank.  Arcadia's a bad idea.

I hear tell life around town got all the
excitement I missed!  Riot #1, exploding
ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague
Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight
and local DJ for WFBR,  has been sharing
that British charm with anyone who asks.
Lie back and think of England, indeed.

A little birdy  with  much  better pitch
than a certain laundromat  owner tweeted
about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,
last Friday,  if by good you mean a rip-
roaring  riot  over local-author-on-the-
lam C.B. Alexander,  poetry and,  oddly,
the   rights  of  vegetables.  Exploding
lights,  this time, instead of ice cream
tubs, but this reporter wonders.

Last  but  not  least,  hometown hopeful
Cameron Lefevre  has  returned  from his
failure at acquiring success and musical
obscurity.  Don't worry, Cam.  We're all
family  here.  No  one will ever forget,
but  we  laugh  because  we  care.  Also
because it was hilarious  schadenfreude,
but that's beside the point.

Welcome home.  Bring an extra string  to
your show in the park next week, kiddo.

August 24 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  say  a
fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,
long-term  member of the community,  and
I, for one, will miss his sermons on the
souls of fruitcakes.  Remember, it's all
in the nuts.

What a surprise to hear  about Mr.  C.B.
'Copfire' Alexander  being nuts himself.
Takes one to know one,  right?   Bet his
book sales  are  going through the roof.
Kudos, kid.  Pity  it wasn't just a pub-
licity stunt.  Or was it?

Get this, too.  At a reader's request, I
sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They
just  sent  their response:  not  just a
letter,  but  an actual FORM letter from
Sai   Joshi,  he   of  the  incomparable
eyelashes,  stating  that  while  he  is
aware they are abnormally long, they are
quite natural.

A form letter.

This begs the question:  how many people
ask about  his  eyelashes?   Has he ever
thought about  trimming  them?  Cosmetic
eyelash  buzzing  could become  a  whole
new trend.

August 31 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not
much  from  our own back yard. Let's get
started on a high note:  passers-by near
Majesty Records the other  morning saw a
certain  bookstore owner and radio Queen
'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully
cozy.  Is  this  why  his  coffee mug at
Homepage  clearly  showed lip  prints in
her  shade of lipstick?  What does Paige
have to  say about  this,  and how  many
pieces will he be in when she's done?

Speaking of tumultuous romances,  the up
and  downs with  Franklyn  are enough to
make me dizzy.  Personally,  I'd like to
know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire
when he got discharged from the hospital
the other day.  What angle does she have
on the  guy?  Is  getting a  play out of
him that important?

Heard  tell there  was a lady going into
Cat-22 covered  in blood,  which doesn't
bode well  for C.B. staying out of jail,
now,  does it?  Same  person who started
the  riot,  I'm  told,  but  my  sources
didn't give me any names.  Don't worry.
I'll keep digging.  So will the police,
if what was in her bag was really as
suspicious as it seemed...

Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard
diner.  I don't know about you, but that
Last Chance  place is going to need some
out  of  this  world delicious meals  or
have  some  pretty fancy gimmicks to get
me in there to try '90s mystery meat.

September 07 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a dearth of fiery gossip.  So sad.  I am
disappointed in you all.

So is this guinea pig I heard of down at
our  local Instagram  princess'  theatre
sleepover party.  There are a few rumors
floating around as to  his identity, but
none  conclusive.  The great  guinea pig
remains  a mystery.  Superheroes used to
be a bit more impressive...

On  the  bright side,  the slumber party
was a success, though I've heard several
reports  of  horrific  nightmares since.
Just what was in the water?

Even better,  our  favorite CB is in the
news again.  Seems there  was a gas leak
down  in Fort Brunsett  at Her Majesty's
record  store,  with  'gnarly' (who uses
that word?)  graphic gushing  nosebleeds
and  foul smells.  Does CB just like the
sight of blood?  He's been  in two riots
that  I'm  aware  of,  he  firebombed  a
police  station,   and  now  this.   Mr.
Alexander,  Tamarack Falls would like to
know.

Are you a vampire?

September 14 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at
last,  another  rumor about our favorite
bookstore  owner.  I  have  it  on  good
authority that  he was  seen walking out
of  a local bar with a lovely redhead on
his  arm.  Bill's  Bar, to  be  precise.
If  anyone's  keeping track of the women
in his  life, let  me  know,  because at
this point I've lost count!

Adorkable is in,  ladies.  Catch  him if
you can.

Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob
quarterback Simon Desrochers  may or may
not  have been invited to try out for  a
certain  very famous football team which
surely  none  of us will guess.  You go,
boy!  Won't convince  Suzie  you weren't
necking with Annette in the back seat on
the way out to practice, though.

I've been practicing a bit, myself.  The
fine art of writing sonnets, however,
still eludes me.

Try this one on for size:

The buds of Summer bloom,  and die,  and
fade.
What hope has he to warm us Winter long?
He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but
staid.
His heart is caught in his own lonely
song.

The  mountains  sigh  and  shiver in the
cold,
With icy winds no mortal may resist.
Ignoring  Autumn's  stories,  he   grows
bold.
He  questions,  begs  and  threatens  to
persist.

How  then  shall  we  treat a  heart  so
sure?
So  certain,  firm  and  faithful to his
truth?
It  trembles,   quakes  and  quivers  to
immure
The   friendly   public's   foibles   as
uncouth.

It  does  him little good to hold aloof.
For me, I only hope we're fireproof.

--

Woo me with poetry,  not with abuse,  my
darling Alexander.  Until we meet again.

September 21 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not
currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-
der  threw  a bit  of biological warfare
in through my  living  room  window.  It
was a good window, too.

More importantly,  you  left your finger
prints all over it, kid.  Already talked
to  the  deputy.  Your parents have been
informed.  Please don't do that again. I
won't mention it if you don't.

Now,  my  columns  will be written a bit
more slowly until this arm heals,  but I
do apologize  for  missing  last  week's
deadline.  Cows wait for no man.  Or me.
Obviously.  If you don't know  what  I'm
talking  about,   ask  Green.  Shh.  She
doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'

Now  down  to business.  I've heard tell
that our local tea witch Avalon has been
making a lot  of trips down to the river
lately.  Point  in fact,  I've got three
separate  eye  witnesses attesting  that
she's  wandered  on  home  soaked to the
bone three  times in  the past few weeks
alone.

Lonnie,  are  you  trying  to catch your
death?

It doesn't run fast.  Definitely  not as
fast as the Tam.  Slower than Kip,  too,
once  word gets out.  Just  what  WAS he
doing  in  that  lingerie store, anyway?
Shopkeepers  said  he  was  in  the male
section for half  an  hour, but wouldn't
tell  my sources what he bought.  More's
the pity.

September 28 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  learned
that I am getting old.  A nice young man
from out of  town insisted on helping me
walk  across  the  street.  Hopefully he
gets his  Boy Scouts merit badge for it.
Thanks for making 40 feel like 80,  kid.
I  hope I meet  a boy  like you when I'm
really aged and decrepit.

Speaking  of kids,  I  heard through the
grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused
some  local drama at a children's birth-
day  party.  Sounds  like  a kid started
using  pepper spray  on  the  clown  and
quoting some very inappropriate language
which  I won't repeat in print.  A local
Japanese magician's said to have stepped
in to take over, so kudos on not getting
Maced.

Violence is  otherwise  the  theme de la
semaine.  Got  some  very  confused cows
thanks  to  the tippers  out in the west
valley,  more  broken  windows  (thanks,
Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges
heading toward eastbank.  Joy,  Wendell,
you should know better.  You should also
be more  careful  about setting lookouts
to warn you that someone's sitting there
having a morning coffee while you paint.

On a brighter note,  I hear tell Candace
Malbury and  Richard  Miller were having
a  grand old time while prepping for the
town's harvest fair yesterday...

I never knew you could do so much with a
single ear  of  corn.  Never  wanted to,
either.  You  may  have  scarred  me for
life,  but  what  do I know?  I'm an old
lady who needs help crossing a street.

October 05 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK
in  the  limelight,  people.  I have not
one, not two, but THREE separate sources
citing  fascinating little tidbits about
our favourite lady-charmer.

Charming to us, perhaps.

I  hear tell that  he left Cyclone  in a
nasty  mood  the  other  night.  Lovers'
quarrel?  Why  pay  for beer  when Paige
would give it to him free?

Maybe she's just jealous of his success,
assuming  he really IS the secret author
of  the Haris  brother books.  Rumor is,
the  author  is  a  local.  Kip, are you
Nathalia Daring?  You're concealing your
secret  passion   for   C.B.  Alexander,
according  to  a number  of sources, and
you  do  seem to have  a large number of
these delightfully torrid novels in your
stock.  Tell all!

Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage
Books  sure  has a doozy.  A brown paper
package  addressed  to  the bookshop was
accidentally  left at  the  real  estate
agency  on  South  Main  and  Mill,  and
hoo boy, those girls got a surprise!  No
brochures,  but  there  was definitely a
ball-gag,  an  eight  foot long bullwhip
with a mighty interesting handle,  and a
single  copy  of  '212 Step Guide to the
Art of Masculine Domination'  signed  by
the  author with the personalisation of:
"You can do it, buddy!".  Apparently the
girls  at  the estate agency just didn't
know what to do.  Maybe they were scared
the  proprietor  next  door  would  love
their neighbour as they love themselves.

Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither
Nancy Drew  nor  Jessica Fletcher, but I
do  appreciate the intimation that 40 is
still  below the aged and decrepit line.
You're  welcome to  help me  across  the
street any day, handsome.

October 12 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
few relationship squabbles and a few odd
events, but let's get to the juicy stuff
first.

Number One:  Jason Weatherby,  don't you
know by now not to go slicking your wick
in places it shouldn't go?

Number Two:  Anita and Josephine  aren't
your type, George.  Trust me. The  words
I  have  refrained from  printing  about
you on account  of  your papa being nice
to me in high school...

Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy
little fox.  I didn't know you had it in
you.  You go girl!

Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all
get to play at being fair maidens (well,
some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah
darling) soon.  I heard tell that const-
ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is
going to be a perpetual jousting tourney
and such.  Costumes  and riding lessons,
sword  fighting,  and  possibly  a polar
bear, though  I  personally  suspect  my
source  had had a bit  too  much  of the
aqua vitae.

Have to  wonder  if  our local Instagram
princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit  too
much to drink, herself.  I've heard from
six sources, now, that she was seen down
in  our  favourite  Alexander's  Cat-22,
barely dressed, laughing and humming and
writing who knows what down. Whatever it
was, we'll never know,  too, because I'm
told  a  fellow (fella? sources couldn't
decide) named  Teagan  took a bat to the
table, then shredded it all.

Franky, Franky.  What are you doing?

You're supposed  to  date  that  charmer
Amanda,  not  give C.B.  more reasons to
give our fine officers hot feet.

It  does  seem  Green's  got  herself at
least one admirer, even if it isn't you.
Heard  tell  there was a  fine  Japanese
gentleman  wandering  around  drugged to
the gills and rambling love poems.

Then again,  the way this town is going,
maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,
do tell.  Do you like your  men all soft
and mumbly?

October 19 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in  Tamarack Falls,  we  don't
need our jackets  much;  it's summer all
over again.  Whichever of you's whisper
ing sweet nothings into Autumn's ears, I
hope  you  can  explain  yourself to the 
forsythia.  It's not even close to being
Spring, and my poor, confused bushes are
trying their utmost to bloom.

Emily's  blooming  too,  I hear.  Kudos, 
kiddo.  Congratulations on  the scholar
ship.

Kudos  to a stranger named Ziv as well,
and I'm sure Crumpet would thank her if
a  dog could talk.  I've  heard  a  few
folks chitter-chattering away about her
heroic stormdrain pup rescue services.

Now,  if only somebody could rescue our
darling Bill's  head.  The Scouts tried
to  honor  the guy by hanging up a sign
above the doorway to the bar,  but some
kid obviously hasn't done his carpentry
merit badge yet,  on account of how the
nails weren't really holding that thing
to the wall...

Don't  worry.  It's  a mild oak-induced
concussion.  He's cussing alright,  and
fit to spit nails.  Not literally. They
didn't  hit  his  mouth.  Bet he'd look
fantastic with a nose piercing to go on
through the new holes there, though.

October 26 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we get the
delightful chance  to  marvel  at  human
stupidity.  Harold  Lehrman,  did I tell
you  or did I not that you'd regret that
chainsaw  you left on your floor?  Thank
me  later for  getting  your name in the
paper.

Amanda Green, you shameless minx.  Don't
you think  I won't repeat  that  you did
your  entire show  in dishabille. Beyond
it, even.  Stealing hearts with a pretty
voice and a lovely...smile.

We've  got  ourselves  a  vorpal playing
card, too, and this author wonders about
the timing of the King of Hearts,  given
poor Kip's freshly single status.  I got
it  from  Crossroads Cafe,  my  very own
self, from his very own lips.

Surely  we can't  blame him,  then,  for
being seen the other  night leaving with
not one, but two unknown ladies,  all of
them drunk  as a skunk.  He  says he was
going back to a hotel with them, but for
what, I wonder?

This isn't  the first time I've heard of
Kip going off with someone, either. Why,
just in the last few weeks,  I hear tell
he  and C.B. Alexander drove  off  alone
to do  'something' together.  C.B.  went
off  with  our  local Instagram Princess
Franklyn Garreau, too.

Busy, busy, Mr. Alexander.

Point in fact,  I hear tell you picked a
fight  down in Riverside and went out to
the east  bank dressed like some kind of
tie-dyed female royalty. Is the pressure
too much?  When's  your next book due to
be   published?  If  you need some  help
with relaxation techniques, talk to Anne
Harlin.  The Reverend says SHE can sleep
just about anywhere...

November 2 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, Rebecca has
asked me to clarify that she is a  minxy
BIG fox, in search of a BIG man,  if you
know what she means.

Don't I wish I did.

Saw  a  couple of  hikers the  other day 
heading up  Mischance with,  I  kid  you
not,  ten dogs.  Ten.  I  counted  three
times.  What were they planning  to  do?
Wait until  it snowed and run a Tamarack
Iditarod?

I don't  know  about you,  but  I have a
hard enough  time  keeping a house plant
alive,  much less (almost) a dozen dogs.
Kudos, strangers. Emphasis on strange.

Speaking of strange,  have you seen that
glittery  purple  balloon lately?  Watch
out,  mystery pilot.  The winds over the
waterfall  can  be  tricky.  My youthful
admirers may  not believe it of me,  but
I  was  once   a  ballooning  champ  for
three  years running,  until I took this
arrow in the knee.

On a more heartwarming note (or not,  if
you're a Scrooge  like George),  a group
of newcomers  went out and visited folks
at Riverside Hospital this past  Tuesday
for Halloween.  

No police were called,  so  it's safe to
say  that  whatever else they did,  they
didn't scare children to death.

Seriously, that was a really  good deed,
folks.  Keep it up.

You too, big mystery man.

November 9 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
fair number of nippy days, haven't we? I
would be  minded  to cuddle up beside my
fire with a good book  and not come  out
until Spring thaw, but how could I poss-
ibly miss  gems  like Eddie Mayer trying
out his rollerskates down Main Street?

Note,  I did say trying, not succeeding.
On the bright  side, at least he  didn't
bleed all over EVERY pole in town...

Speaking of bleeding, have you seen that
new  body mod  shop down in the city?  I
hear  tell none other than  Winny Wilson
opened the place up, complete with  pig.
I hadn't  heard of him,  scars not being
my specialty, but a Johnny Drexel  seems 
to be sporting his own artwork something
fierce.  

Don't  know about you,  but I'm going to
avoid bleeding for art.

Bleeding for gossip, now, that I will do
with  pleasure.  I got  a dreadful paper
cut when  I  heard that the Treasurer of
Fort  Brunsett,  Molly  Crowley-Utridge, 
was decidedly unwidowly at a dinner with
a very nicely dressed Native fellow.  My
sources say the man was one Malaki Gray-
wolf.  Is Molly looking to add  a second
hyphenation to her mouthful of a name?

I  don't  even  want to think  about the
mouthfuls Ms. Mina Grey has been having.
Ballerina  food is rabbit  food,  and  I 
heard from a little birdy that our dance
teacher, or someone who looks a lot like
her, was seen  in social media marketing
for the Slutcracker in Somerville, MA.

Mina, Mina, Mina. We all know dating Mr.
Alexander  is  enough  to  drive  you to
drink, but come on, girl.  Do you really
want to give him more reasons to set the
world on fire?

November 16 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
request from one  Haruki for a shout-out
about his brother Itsuki's birthday. How
can  I refuse,  when  it comes with such
charming  good wishes  about  my lack of
disappearance?

Don't worry, kid.  I went on a Tuesday.

In other news, I have learned that First
Snow  holly  sprigs  make  exceptionally
poor seat  cushions.  If you  have never
had spiny leaves  jabbing into your bony
patoot,  I   highly  recommend that  you
avoid the experience.

Yes, I went and picked another sprig...

Eddie  Mayer has asked  me to correct my
previous  column.  My apologies,  Eddie.
You  were  landing  on  your tush at the
corner  of  Main Street  and  Mill,  not 
just  Main  Street.  Thank  you  for the
tip!

Have  you  seen the  prep for the parade
this weekend?  Got the  streamers up and
turkeys  everywhere.  Gotta  wonder what
aliens would  think of it,  if  they saw
it.  Are  we cultists  celebrating   our
(delicious) gobbly god?

What's YOUR favorite Thanksgiving food?

Mine's  got  to be the  mashed potatoes.
Get some  cream in while you mash,  some
butter, salt... Mmmmm.  Add in  a splash
of gravy, and you're golden.

So  are  the  wallets  of the  emergency
services after fixing your  food-induced
heart  attack,  but  possible  death  is 
nothing when compared with a good mash.

November 23 2017

No column! Thanksgiving.

November 30 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
good vacation  from reality,  thanks  to
Thanksgiving (sorry,  folks, calories do
still  count on holidays; my scale won't
lie), but  family  time makes  for GREAT
gossip. 

Let's get started!

Jack,  Jack,  you know you don't do well
with  wine.  The maudlin song prize goes
to you, for certain sure.  Next time,  I
want  a recorder  with  me.  That  stuff
would sell!

The exploding turkey prize has got to go
to Betsy Mayer.  Bets, this is the third
year in a row.  How do you even DO that?

Jacob Hennessey gets the 'Belongs in One
of the Final Destination Movies'  prize,
because  I  didn't  even know  something
like this could happen without cinematic
magic  to  help it  along.  From  what I
heard, it went something  like  this:  a
kid  tripped  over a chicken, which flew
into his  mama's  patoot, which made her
jerk her arm  up from  the  meat she was 
butchering, and because her hand was wet
the  knife slipped  up and cut  the cord 
holding the oil lamp the kid's older sis
had hung up there for extra light, which
fell and broke  and spilled burning  oil
every which way, which  set mama's pants
on  fire, which sent mama running out to
start stripping in the barnyard with the
chickens,  which prompted Jacob's sudden
coronary and  subsequent helicopter ride
to Riverside Hospital.

Now THAT is an evening.

Don't worry, Jake's fine.  Suzette's all
right too,  and  the chicken made a good
supper.

In less flammable news, I hear tell that
Aspire place  down in  Fort Brunsett may
be getting a new owner. Reliable sources
inform  me that  Johnny Drexel  has been
seen  puttering around the lobby through
the windows.  Does he need that much new
space to cut holes in people?

Time will tell.  Also  lawyers.  Lawyers
are really  good  to  have  when slicing
people up.  I, for one, plan to stay far
away.

December 7 2017

No column!

December 14 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  get  a
great  big thank  you to whichever witch
up and decided to curse me last week.

Mr. Alexander,  I may  be hiring  you to
set a fire.

If any of you have never felt the lovely
after-effects  of a  concussion,  I most
heartily commend you for your choices in
life  and wish  I could go  back to join
your club.

Let's see, now.  Last week, I got a note
from a certain Japanese magician that it
was C.B. Alexander's birthday,  who asks
that  I send  him a birthday message to,
I quote, cheer him up.  

Haruki, kid, you're sweet.  If  he wants
free advertising for his book, he should
scream at me some more and post a letter
to the editor.  That's always fun.

How's  your  holiday  planning going?  I
hear tell Mayor Jack has had a few unex-
pected visitors lately.  Lost relations?
Do tell, Mayor!

Nancy Thackeray sure lost something this
weekend,  and she  won't be  getting  it
back for at least another eighteen years
by my reckoning.  Congratulations, mama.
Hope you don't mind sleep loss.  It just
gets worse the more you have, I'm told.

This,  my readers, is why I am, and plan
to remain, single.  Menopause can't come
soon enough.

Speaking  of marriage and children,  our
very own Amanda Green has had a few tid-
bits floating  around  about a big to-do
wedding  of her  own.  Who's  the  lucky
partner?

December 21 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the smith's
a busy busy bee out there.  The New Year
Nail-Up is in good swing, and clang, and
clank...

I heard  tell  he got a record number of
assistants this year.  I wonder why.

I  also  wonder why his latest assistant
and Kip don't team up to woo the ladies,
because hoo  boy,  Mr. Robin Collier has
an  accent fit to make a  fiddle  dance.
Don't  even  get me started on his eyes.
That shade of blue should be illegal.

Of course, he smokes,  and he looks like
he probably hasn't seen the sun since he
was  twelve,  but  those  are manageable
faults.

What  do you say,  Mr. Collier?  Are you
up  for  being   managed?   The  ladies'
knitting circle would like to know!

We'd  like  to  know  about  ghost cars,
too, seeing as it  seems  we've  got  at
least one of those buggers around. A few
folks have  asked about  a crash down by
Snake Creek,  but when  yours truly went
down to investigate,  there was no trace
of it.

Maybe Father Christmas  had a sleigh boo
boo  on  one of his practice runs.  Keep
eyes out, kids.  Hoofprints on your head
aren't  the  sort  of gift you want this
weekend.

Really,  you  don't.  Take  it  from   a
little old lady  who got stomped on by a
cow.

December 28 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we had our-
selves  a break-in  at  a  local grocery
store, folks.  Right here in town,  too.
What do  people  think this is?  More to
the point,  what on  earth were they out
to steal?  

Do they think we have any money?

I hear tell the authorities found  a guy
trapped  under a  row of fallen shelves,
with two others trying to get him free.

Speaking  of free,  if  you've  got  any
books for children,  stop on in at Kip's
love nest,  Homepage.  He's collecting a
donation for the schools in the area, as
I well know. I gave him a lovely copy of
See Spot Run.  

Run, Kip.  Just run.  You don't want to
be surrounded  by the hordes of adoring
fangirls who will try to  get into your
life once they find out you're dating a
professional Slutcracker. 

That's right.  You heard me.  Mina, who
could be  anything in the world,  chose
to dance in the Slutcracker, and hooey,
she looks darned good in black.  You're
one fine dominatrix, girl. Look online,
folks, and you'll see plenty of pics of
her as 'The Russian'...and of Mina with
Kip, arms full of flowers...

Where are the pics of their tattoos,  I
wonder?  Sources  say they were spotted
outside of  a  tattoo parlor in Boston.
Together.

Tell me.  Do  we have more matrimony in
our  future,  or  is  this a  desperate
attempt  to  drum  up  business  for  a
failing bookstore?  Kip, darling, rabid
readers want to know. How DO you do it?

With leather, it seems.  Why, Trudy was
walking  into  Homepage just  the other
day  when  she overheard this hunk of a
prince  talking  to  some girl with too
much  hair  dye  about  not  being  her
lovely toy...

First  the  lingerie  parlor,  then the
ball    gag   and   the   multi-purpose
bullwhip,  and  now a girlfriend in the
Slutcracker with BDSM on your counter?

Kip, Kip, Kip.

Welcome  home,  kid.  Never leave.  You
make my job too easy.

January 4 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is mak-
ing up for lost time, isn't he?  I heard
a little  birdy say  that one of the two
female employees  at Homepage marched on
into  the  store  to  start  her  shift,
hustled all the post-lunch shoppers out,
and  flipped the sign  to 'Closed' for a
'private' 'conversation' with Kip.

Now,  lest your thoughts travel down the
same paths mine did,  let  me assure you
that it does,  indeed,  get  better than
that.

Cerise,  for it was she who accosted our
darling Kip, is said to have spent quite
a  while having a  rather 'intense' dis-
cussion with  the store  owner.  Is it a
coincidence  that  witnesses  say he was
spotted  putting his shirt back on after
the Incident?  

Now, Sally-Mae says he even tried to hug
her afterward.

Mina,  dear,  we all thought you and Kip
were  so  happy.  Is  there  trouble  in
Slutcracker paradise?

Did he use the whip in the wrong place?

At least the skiers are happy. We've got
a good  48" of  powder on  those slopes, 
and  more snow to come.  Careful not  to 
introduce  your  noggin to  cow  fences,
folks.  Wind's  been  blowing hard,  and
they're as  white  as  anything.  Cross-
country's not as safe as it could be...

Last  but  not  least,  we've  got  some
mysterious geese on  the  loose.  Anyone
lose a goose?

Or seven?

I'm told the flock has been chasing kids
off of  sidewalks  into  snowbanks,  and
stealing  mittens,  though  what  use  a
goose  has  for  a mitten  is beyond me.

January 11 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we had yet
another day of  Homepage Books showing a
great big CLOSED sign to the world.

Kip, darling,  I know the attention is a
lot.  We  only want to  love you.  Or we
want to delight ourselves with a honking
big dose of schadenfreude and be glad we
aren't the ones with multiple girlfriend
collisions in the hallway.

How DO you manage those, anyway? Doesn't
seem to be working out for you too well.

Speaking  of not working out well,  what
else doesn't work?  Ice skating on snow.
Katie,  let us  know  when  that  broken
ankle  heals.  I'll get  the  editor  to 
take you  out for  an ice cream and tell
you all about his own.

The slopes  of Mount Salvation have been
pretty  busy lately,  and  not for their
value as a place to play on snow.  Folks
say, and I can attest myself, that there
have  been  odd prints and circles,  and
sometimes lights at night, dancing.

Have  we got  ourselves  a new  coven of
witches,  or is snow circling the latest
version  of  crop  circling?  Maybe  the
aliens have gone  native  Vermonter.  If 
so,  I've  got some Cabot cheese and Ben
& Jerry's with their names on it. 

Assuming, that is, that they have names.

Gossip columnist starts interstellar war
by making erroneous assumptions. See the
full report at seven!

January 18 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
that Daniel Dross  lost his marbles over
at The Seventh House. Word is,  he asked
some  poor crippled young woman over for
breakfast,   gentlemanly-like,  only  to
take a drawing she did, storm around the
cafe,  shred  the  thing and throw it in 
the fire. 

Now,  shame on him,  but  what I want to
know is this: what was on  that drawing?
Linda, if it was anything like yours,  I
retract  that  statement.  No one should
have to see that.

Sources say  he dragged her right out of
the  shop,  didn't  even  let her finish
her tea, or her bread and honey. Tsk.

You   know,   she   bore   a    striking 
resemblance  to   a  certain  family  of 
Millers 'round about these parts...

Continuing  this  week's theme of ladies
with bad luck, my sources tell me one of
the  restaurants  down  in  the Singers'
Circle  is  being investigated,  just in
case, for food and safety concerns after
a blind date  gone wrong.  Witnesses say
the guy was looking bored, when the girl
suddenly went insane, claiming she could
see bugs in her food, all over her skin,
and skedaddled. 

Kids,  this  is  why  you don't do drugs
before you date.

Third in our trifecta of female disaster
flicks,  I  hear  our instagram princess
Franky Garreau may be on  the  outs with
Kip's   latest  love  interest.  Cerise,
Cerise,  are  you moving  in on Franky's
man?  Really,  C. B. Alexander shouldn't
be  your kind of 'hot' -- not unless you
like napalm.

Men,  watch  out.  Next week it could be
you.

January 25 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
bologna on the loose.  

Yes, you read that correctly: a bologna.
Three folks have come up to me to ask if
I've heard about it, and one of them was
pretty certain the stink was coming from
the town hall...

But enough about that.

Let's hear some juicy news.  Amanda Bale
and Erzsebet Angle have been steaming up
the dance floor down at the high school,
and hoo boy, those girls can tango.  Who
says you need a man,  right ladies? Come
chat  some time.  I know  some folks who
run the local competitions. 

Also,  in  spite  of  injuries  to   the
contrary, I  spied with  my little black 
eye  a  certain Mayor hobbling around on 
the   mill  pond.  What's  the  problem, 
Jack? Even I can skate better than that.
You getting too old for fun?

On that note, I dare anyone and everyone
to  send  in  pictures  of the stupidest
things they can think of doing while ice
skating.  I'll Shanghai the  editor into
giving me more space  so I can  post the
best of them next week!

February 1 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
vigilante in our midst. I can't honestly
say I wouldn't feel excited if I got  my
own superhero nickname, so kudos to you,
Blackout, whoever you are.

Just  don't  go  all One Punch Man on my
nephew Jadis.  He likes to  dress like a
punk, but he's got the soul of a cherry-
pink marshmallow.

Yes, dear.  I love you too.  Suffer.

Speaking of suffering, I heard tell that
our  very own  Kip was spotted on one of
the bridges down in Fort Brunsett, stark
naked and covered in stripper glitter.

Kip, I can't say I blame you.  If I ever
caught a  case  of glitteritis as bad as
that one, I'd be tempted  to  jump off a
bridge's railing, too.

The Tam seems to be getting more popular
lately,  or  maybe folks  are  just stir
crazy after all that snow.  Or crazy, in
general.  Franklyn, I've  gotta say, I'm
disappointed.  You're  a good girl,  but
if you keep this up, you're going to end
up in the loony bin or six feet under.

Walking around the city  in  your PJs is
one thing.  Even Adam Wilkinson has done
that one, hasn't he, Adam?  

Whatever  guy you're crying about,  come
sniffle on  the  West  bank,  girl.  You 
should know better.  Also, get a jacket!

Last but not least, it sounds like we've
got ourselves a new brawler in town. Old
Janni Kristoffsen  said  some girl named
Merle got  into one rip-roaring fight at
the bar over  a pack  of cigarettes  she
may or may  not  have  acquired with his
permission.

What I wonder is this: if we put Mystery
Merle in a pit with C.B. Alexander, who
would be the last one standing?

February 8 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
whole  lot of pink,  and enough roses to
sink a boat.  Or a float.

Kids, go gentle on the Valentine's float
in the parade this year.  While I can't,
as a reasonable adult,  condone sticking
fireworks under its chassis, the symbol-
ism  of love going up in flames and then
setting  the church on fire was a little
too close to the  mark for a  few ladies
last year,  which did drive up subscrip-
tions to the paper and my column...

Maybe stick to uncomfortable red oozing.
No?  Okay, how about  wearing sheets and
putting on a Christmas Story parody with
the ghost of loves past?  I know Harriet
isn't  used  to  sneaking around under a
sheet in  daylight,  but   I'm  sure she
could make an  exception to  teach you a
few tricks.

In other news, Fort Brunsett has had yet
another series of violent crimes.  Can't
say as I blame them.  I get violent when
my car door freezes shut after an entire
day of freezing rain, myself.

I do not,  however, then explode my car.

Yours  truly  hasn't gotten  all of  the
details on this one,  but my sources did
say the driver was a criminal, and  that
he  was  yelling  about   hung  men  and 
midgets and  rods that  could  shoot six
blocks.  Somehow,  as  excellent as that
image is, I  don't think  that  is quite
what happened.

Last  but  not  least,  the  Last Chance
diner down in  the  junkyard had its own
dust-up.  I'm  told  a  gang  of  feisty
ne'er-do-wells got  a face full of bacon
after  interrupting Johnny Drexel at his
breakfast with a pretty girl.  Gentleman
that he was,  I'm  told he  even  played 
white knight to her when the rest of the
gang tried  to beat  them  up  when they 
left  the  diner, aided by the Samaritan
Scooby Gang.

Thugs and assorted criminals,  if you're
going to pick on a guy,  pick on Drexel.
I want to see  how many times I can tell
the   same   story  before   my   editor
strangles me for it.

February 15 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  the parade
went off without a  hitch.  Or,  rather,
without a torch.  There was a lot of red
and pink confetti, and Mrs. Herringworth
may or may not have lost her dentures on
a lollipop, but the vampire fangs may or
may not have made it all worth it. 

Seriously.  Fangs.

Linda, you win at life.  Then again, you
have had  about  twice as many  years to
get better at it...

I hear tell a certain pair of  teenagers
was  trying to get better at something I
can't  put in print,  too.  Kids,  maybe
next time you should turn the car lights
off before you  start  making it  bounce
around.

You know what else was bouncing?  

Men.  Three of them,  and  they were the
only ones to volunteer down at The Plank
on  Amateur  Night.  That big boxer King
was down there,  too, though I'm told he
wouldn't dance.  Scoping  out the compe-
tition, perhaps?  His  new establishment
does  seem to lack a certain grit.  That
could  just be memories of my shoes get-
ting stuck to the  floor  by old glitter
and grog, however...

My  sources  also claim our favorite cop
crisper  C.B. Alexander  was there  with
none other than Franklyn Garreau,  and a
cutey  no one  could  quite get the name
of, too.  On  Valentine's  Day?  I smell
a  threesome  in  the air!  Tell us, Mr.
Alexander,  how  do  your  cockles grow?
Pretty maids all in a row?

February 22 2018

Enid was kidnapped!!

March 1 2018

Enid is still missing!! Oh wait, she got away!

March 8 2018

Enid is home! Yay! She is recovering, though, and couldn't collect enough gossip before her deadline.

March 15 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  have  a
lot of gossip to catch up on! Here we go
now...

In older news,  I  owe Emmett Anderson a
great  big thank you for egging my house
and  getting punished for it.  Thanks to
his mom, too, for punishing him!  

Anyone else  feel like weeding my flower
garden?  I can sit inside and pretend to
get  kidnapped again.  Maybe a  tropical
island  this  time;  that  would  be  an
improvement.

I'm  told  I  missed the bombing of that
poor old  bowling  alley  down  in  Fort
Brunsett, too.  Can't say as I blame the
bombers, though.  That place sold food I
never once didn't regret eating.  Quick,
set up  a  petition -- better  food  for
better bowlers!

As  much  as  we  would all love to hear
that  THE Mr. Alexander was responsible,
I'm afraid police have already confirmed
he wasn't on the premises.  I did hear a
juicy  tidbit  about  a drunken visit to
the hospital room of one Cerise Hodgson,
however,  with   a  delectably  pathetic
bouquet and  a ward-load of yelling.  Do
we have a new romance on the offing? One
that  involves  hospital  security right
from the start can't possibly go wrong.

Speaking of bouquets...

Our  favorite  Kip  has been seen buying
more than one handful of flowers lately,
and rumor has it, none of them have been
for Mina Grey!

Has  the  slutcracker ballerina lost her
leghold on his heart?

Is  it  true that they have ALL been for
one of his  employees?  Kip,  do  let us
know, there's  a  dear.  Mandy needs the
laugh. A little birdy tells me she tried
climbing  in HER employee's back window,
fell, and had  to  be  rescued from  the
town's worst window-wedgie in decades...

March 22 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, little John
Horner learned  the hard way that,  when
mama says to stop, you stop.

Don't worry. The ice broke his fall. And
his elbow.  Condolences  and  Gibb slaps
may be directed to Mulberry Lane.

Speaking of self-injury, I just happened
to  overhear a  few  police officers the
other  day  talking about  Electric City
blowing up with  some freak power surge.
My source wasn't as open as I would have
liked, so it could have been a Jane, Jan
or  maybe even  James.  As  your  gossip
specialist,  I fail  you  today.  If you
know  who  got themselves maimed, share!
Inquiring minds want schadenfreude!

Now, Mayor Jack hasn't been in the paper
enough  lately,  in my opinion, so let's
share a wee tidbit of Spring  silliness,
shall we?  We  all know  he's a handsome
devil,  and we all know he's an all  too
sober one; trust me, the number of times
I've tried to get that man to drink...

Just the other day,  Mandy Morrison says
she saw the  Mayor out behind her house,
wearing red boxers with white hearts all
over,  chasing down what she swore was a
little kid  all  dressed up like an elf.
Pretty thorough  mask,  too.  They  went
around the  corner  pretty  quick, but I
now  have it on excellent authority that
our Mayor has one spectacular ass.

Kip,  however,  has been concealing his.

Don't  you  know that no matter how many
girls you  run  through,  trying to beat 
the  town's speed-dumping  records,  you
will always have  our  love?  I know for
a  fact  that  Sally Quinn has a mind to
share her muffins  with you any time you
like.  Of course,  her  boyfriend seemed
to disagree with the idea...

March 29 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  the town's
favorite Kip Kensington  is  back in the
spotlight,  and  hoo boy,  it's a doozy.
Miss Ethel says there she was,  buying a
nice book for  her little nephew over at
Homepage  Books,  when  out  of nowhere, 
there  he was,  asking a female employee
if he was hot.

Just wait.  It gets better.

THEN,  he said something about getting a
raincoat to  go  meet  another  girl.  A
girl who was not Mina, it must be noted.
Who IS this mystery woman on the phone?

Even  better,  reliable  sources tell me
that Kip  was  overheard having  a  chat
with Copfire Alexander himself. Not just
a chat,  no,  but  some  rather  pointed
questions about C.B.'s interest in  Mina
Grey.  Will this love triangle ever end?

Kip, our rabid readers are dying to know
the  truth.  When  you  talked with C.B.
about rings, was that for you or for one
of your  harem?  I'm  told Cerise's name
came  up,  which could explain  why  you
were asking her if you were hot...

On the subject of lovely ladies,  I have
it on good  authority  that local story-
teller  and hair-dye enthusiast November
was seen  down  at  Aspire by the hockey
rink with a rather talented young woman.
Talented in more than one way, it seems.
You go, girl.  Turning  a  time-out  box
into a kissing booth  has the Enid stamp
of approval!

What doesn't have my approval?

Letting dogs take a  dump on public land
and  not cleaning it up.  If anyone sees
the owner of  a  dog with a particularly
large rectum down by the Miller gardens,
do  let  me  know,  so  I can thank them
for their  contribution  to  the  public
health and safety codes.

April 5, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I'm told I
started rumors all on my lonesome, which
is an entertainment, I assure you.  Yes,
I did indeed  have  clumps  of extremely
handsome young  gentlemen  coming  by my
office to give me gifts.  Ladies, too.

Thank you,  one and all,  for  your kind
words and wishes.  Mr. Alexander,  thank
you,  too,  for the  effort you put into
telling the world I'm an abomination.

I respect your opinions.  Mine differ.

Speaking  of  different,  if you haven't
gone  by the farm  by the Fry fields,  I
recommend  a trip out west of town.  The
Rackhams  chalked each and every  one of
their sheep  in  Easter egg  stripes and
spots.  I have been  assured that all of
the chalk sprays  used are biodegradable
and not harmful to the animals.

Belated Easter themes are the way to go,
it seems.  I hear tell the mighty magic-
ians  Haruki and Itsuki  ran  an  Easter
event for kids with themed magic tricks,
an  egg  hunt and  real  rabbits.  As  a
gardener,  I've  gotta  say,  petting  a
bunny isn't my current desire...

I know someone  who does desire petting,
however.  Tommy,  next  time  you  steal
your papa's liquor, leave the cell phone
at  home.  Drunk  texting  me,  of   all
people, is just asking for trouble.  You
also owe me $5 for the bet you made that
I wouldn't print it.

April 12, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a long-term
reader  is  determined  to flood me with
rabbits.

Haruki, kid, you're a magician. Use your
magic to  keep the  gosh  darned bunnies
out of my tulips, and I won't need to be
upset  with  them.  They  have  a clover
patch and plenty  of  greens  out in the
woods.

The deer have returned,  too, as Delilah
learned the other  night on Main Street.
Del, you let us know  if the kids need a
ride anywhere.  Let me  know when you're
finally going to up that prescription on
your glasses, too, because your radiator
has the  holes to prove that buck wasn't
a bush...

Speaking of friends in need, I hear tell
our  favorite  Kip managed  to find some
booze  down  in  Fort Brunsett this past
week. Who knew Cat-22 had a bar upstairs
and, more to  the  point,  who knew  Kip
actually drank in public? 

Maybe he shouldn't have.

I'm  told  his  'not-nerdy girl' without
glasses and  his lovely Mina had to drag
him, mumbling, down the stairs.

I'm  also  told  he  was  talking  to an
imaginary friend named  Andrew  over  at
Homepage.  Everything  okay   with  you,
Kip?  We adore you,  and I can guarantee
Missy Miller  would  share  some  of her
famous peach pie if you were poorly. She
told me just the other day how much she
loves  reading  about  you in the paper,
didn't she, Missy?

The  fanfic  shipping of you and C.B. is
still  the best.  Bernadette Peters  has
sent in  three comics  of  you two,  and
I'm  told I am supposed to tell her mama
that she expects  to  be called B.P. now
in C.B.'s image,  and plans  on  setting
fire to any broccoli which finds its way
onto her plate at night.

B.P., you are an inspiration to us all.

April 19, 2018

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I remain a
victim of rabbit flooding.  Kid,  I live
surrounded by fields, and trees. If they
aren't getting enough grass,  that's not
my fault.

What IS my fault is the delectable snack
tray at the  newspaper headquarters this
week.  I shamelessly  self-advertise  my
cooking, and invite everyone to  mail in
any  and  all advice to  make it better.
Mayor Jack, I already have yours.  No, I
will not stop baking.

While I won't stop baking, you all won't
stop  loving,  for  which  I'm thankful. 
Please, keep loving each other, and keep
having disasters like that incident down
at the mall last week.  Bandies,  if you
read this, correct me.  A  group  called
'Red Lost Dead Lost' was  performing  in
the food court,  and ended up  finishing
with a Springer-worthy love triangle,  a
failed proposal and  an outing,  all  at
once.  Come  to think  of it,  our local
magician was there, too...

Haruki,  are you getting into the match-
making business?

Speaking of matches, I haven't heard any
news about our darling Kip,  ladies,  so
don't you worry.  If he  falls  over and
dies, I'm sure  we'll all hear about it.
The cops are asking folks to stop lining
up  outside  Homepage, however, and I am
going  to  say  this only once: I am not
giving anyone either Kip's  or  Mr. C.B.
Alexander's  personal  addresses,  phone
numbers or any other information. Please
stop asking!

Let's start thinking about frozen bread,
instead.  Who do  you think the winner's
going  to be?  Give me your ideas!  What
themes do you think the  Spring Fling is
going to end up  stuck  with?  Can't  be
worse  than  that  Spongebob Squarepants
debacle three years back...