Revision as of 11:19, 3 November 2017

Tamarack Times Gossip Column

Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.

Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.

They can be found on +bbread 3, the Media board.

This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.

March 16 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week  in Tamarack Falls,  we've all 
learned the value of not  trusting Jimmy
Miller  when he says  his  dog is smart. 
No  smart dog  would  run in front of  a   
plow going  full-tilt,  but the vet says 
the pup's going to  recover just in time
for  the  Spring  tourist  season  and
chasing muddy motorcycles.             
                                     
What isn't going to recover?  Maddy
Nichols'  flower  beds,  seeing  as  Mr.
Miller  ran  that plow up over the curb. 
Lopped  the heads right off four  of the
gnomes, too.

A newcomer  got  in  a  good brawl  this
past  weekend in front of Cyclone,  too,
and that  makes  the sixth since the new
bar opened.  Six fights in a month. 
What does this mean for you, my readers?
Jack squat.  The Mayor, I have it from a
reliable  source,  has  no  intention of
telling that nice young lady off.

March 23 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  Spring has
sprung,  and what it's sprung is a great
big  leak.  Word to the wise:  don't let
your  pipes  freeze  like  a  certain
somebody down on Main Street, or you get
what  they  got:  a hefty bill and soggy
floors.

Keep those faucets dripping!

Speaking  of  dripping,  now,  I  don't
usually  go  for  the  dark  meat,  but
there's  a huge hunk of stranger  around
town  who's  more than enough to warm my
oven.  I'm minded to ask  him over for a
cup of sugar,  if Lou and BangBang don't
get to him first.

Seems  there's  been  banging  of  a
different  kind up on the mountain.  Odd
noises in the  mine,  lights  at  night. 
I'd  keep  my teenagers  pent tight if I
had any.  Never  know  what  those  kids
will go and get into.

March 30 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week  in  Tamarack Falls,  the town
had  its first shooting in a long,  long
while.  All  of you coffee  addicts will
have to get your fix elsewhere,  because
this  columnist  is told  by  a reliable
source that the Crossroads Cafe is going
to be closed until Friday morning.  Hope
the owner's  taking time to write up how
she wants that story told.

Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied
with  my own  little eye none other than
Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in
one  mighty  big    hurry.  Can't  be
drinking, because we  all know the Mayor
would  never touch  lip to bottle on the
job.  Isn't that right, Suzanne?

I don't  know about you,  but I've heard
some mighty fine things about our Miller
boys this season for the roads,  as much
snow  as we've  been  getting,  and  I'm
giving them  a shout-out  for a job well
done.  Now  if  only  they  could  do it
without  shirts...  Hubba  hubba.  Rest
assured,  if you  boys ever want to do a
calendar for  charity,  the Enid Schmitt
Foundation  will gladly accept your kind
donation.

April 06 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've seen
what happens when you drive a motor bike
into  a  river.  We've also  seen  what
happens when your mother finds out about
it, haven't we, Jimmy?

Don't stop.  You provide so many  column
inches.

Got some delicious hints swirling around
town this week  of  a new baker  on  the
loose, but no one's owning up to leaving
cupcakes on doorsteps just yet,  or what
exactly those sprinkles on top were made
of.  Watch out, Martha.  You  could have
some competition.

Watch out for moose!

Heard tell one  of the  farmers west  of
town had an antlered  visitor attempting
to make nice  with his Morgans the other
day.  She wasn't having any,  and that's
a damn shame, with a rack like that.

April 13 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is
busy busy busy, and so is the gossip! 

With Easter only days away,  you'd think
people would know better than to go egg-
tossing  at  police cars,  wouldn't you,
Mikey?  Once  you're  done hand  washing
all of the squad  cars, mind coming over
to do mine?

I've seen  a lovely  young  lady out and
about  a-wandering  this  week,  but  no
handsome  young  lad to accompany her on
the  riverbank.  Watch  the  east,  now.
Things on that side get slippery.

The mystery cupcakes continue!

Who IS  our  secretive pastry chef?  Lou
and  Bang Bang  say  they're  offering a
free hair cut to anyone who can identify
the source of their decadent delectables
this week.

April 27 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've  had
an exciting go  of it,  but if you don't
like tall,  dark,  mysterious strangers,
why do we care anyway?  This  man rolled
in  on a bus at an ungodly hour,  I tell
you,  I've  heard  it  from  a reputable
source myself,  wearing  all black,  and
talked  with a few foreigners for hours.
Just who is  this  mystery man,  and how
can  I convince  him to come over for MY
coffee?  Hubba hubba.

Certain  indiscretions  were  overheard,
I'm told,  at the  Crossroads Cafe.  Now
I  wasn't there myself, but in my humble
opinion,  people  with so  many  secrets
really ought  to be  better  at  keeping
them.  Most  folks  aren't  so  pleased
about going  to  court,  young  man.  Be
careful what you say.

Be careful what you eat, too, because by
golly  these  cupcakes just keep coming. 
Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come
up  and  lie  about  baking  them again. 
I've  tasted  your  cooking,  and  it's
enough to make a cat laugh!

May 04 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've  had
a delicious little peccadillo at the new
bookstore  in  town.  I've  had reliable
reports  of  more  than  one  romantic
entanglement  gone  wrong,  and,  even
better,  I hear  tell a lady stormed out
altogether  after  a  certain pint-sized
bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.

Hot sales at Homepage!  Thefts,  too.  A
few  books  seem to be missing, but with
the owner such  a  hot item,  I wouldn't
presume to wonder why...

Speaking  of shopkeepers,  someone ought
to  set  up  a  secret  sale  over  at
Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got
some  folks  who can't keep their mouths
shut  in  public.  There  are  better
places  to chit-chat about local queens,
and  if  I'm  hearing about it, how many
others are?

If  you  haven't been down to the Evelyn
Miller  Memorial  Gardens  yet,  do  it,
because  showers of  white  petals  are
about  as close to snowfall as I want to
think about right now.  Is Winter over?

May 11 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  the rising
temps  have seen a corresponding rise in
idiots thinking  the  signs  about rapid
currents  are  for  amateurs.  Really,
Megan,  you  didn't  have  to prove your
parents  right  BEFORE  you  left  for
college.  They  always  told you  not to
date  him.  This  is  why.  Go  have  a
coffee,  meet  a  handsome  god.  Have a
fling you'll never forget.

Speaking of flinging with gods,  trouble
in  paradise?  Forget  what  I said last
week about a secret-share.  We just need
a  full-time time-share  with that cutey
Hazel  on  the  Crossroads  Cafe,  Thom,
because she's giving  us  a spot with so
much material!  And men.  The men!

The screaming, the throwing,  the drama,
la, c'est vraiment magnifique!

Last  week's  book  owner  gave  us  all
another  stunning example of what NOT to
do in a relationship,  and hoo boy,  let
me  tell you,  kid,  skirt-hopping after
popping your cherry with  a  girl is not
a  way  to  make a friend.  I  could use
your  name,  but then,  you  already had
it  shouted  across  the  entire  cafe.
There's such a thing as pity. 

Have mine.

May 18 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  I have  to
applaud  the  folks trying to hook me up
with  Bigfoot.  Don't  get  me wrong.  I
like...big...men  as  much as  the  next
woman,  but  the  hair?  Would  YOU want
that  between  your  teeth?  Nice try,
kiddos.

Speaking  of big men,  I hear  tell that
Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.
Tough to get prettier than he is, and my
reliable source  confirms that they went
quite  out  of their way to have a very,
very expensive  bite  to  eat.  Keep the
beauties  here,  folks!  Someone go  get
rich and build a fancy restaurant called
Something Blue.  Pay  me  a  nice  juicy
commission and the IP's yours!

Sadly, not  everyone  is hooking up this
week.  Sorry,  Betsy.  I told you, lemon
juice down  under  on date night,  not a
good  idea.  What guy  wants his girl to
show up with yellow unmentionables?  Not
any I know, that's for sure.  Heard tell
of  an  oddball  breakup  at  Crossroads
Cafe,  too.  Who'd  WRITE  their breakup
lines and  hand them to a guy instead of
SAYING  them?  Then  again, given who it
was,  staying  quiet's  an  improvement.
Sorry, kid.  Stop by the paper some time
for a bad coffee.

May 25 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  there  was
quite the commotion over at our favorite
sap's  book  store.  The  way I hear it,
while the girl  behind the counter tried
to  hush  it  up  with  louder  music,
customers report  a  woman  shouting  at
someone  (three  guesses who),  and even
something  shattering.  Hoo boy,  this
kid's  a  treat!  Never leave.  You make
my job a breeze, Kip.

Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?
Had  a  few muscled young farmers (hubba
hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying
around, no falconer in sight.

Mary  Adams  was mighty breezy, too, the
other  day.  What  are you trying to do,
be  Vermont's  soggy  Monroe?  Who wears
white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?
Love    the    neon  piglets  on  the
unmentionables.

Last  but  not least, catch it quick.  I
hear they're power washing that horrible
wall  lickety  split  to  get  it  off.
Someone went and (spray)painted the city
red,  some  poem  about  sorrow and love
scribbled  all  over  the  side  of  a
building down  by the corner of Rockdove
and  Mack.  Police  are  looking for the
artist to give them a talking to, and so
am I!  I've  got  to  know, how DID they
climb that wall?  Do we have ourselves a
brand new Spiderman?

June 02 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we've  had
a  positive dearth  (that's an SAT word,
Sally,  but you  wouldn't  know that, on
account of skipping  school to play with
Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from
the town's favorite bookstore owner.

Kip, you disappoint us.

News from Fort Brunsett  says that local
Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity
like  it's going out of style.  The food
bank's  sure  to  thank him, but where's
our cut?  Hungry newspaper services need
to snack!  I  have a particular fondness
for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.

Those  of  you of a mind to go joining a
cult have got a  new  temple,  I'm told. 
Haven't  visited  myself,  but  reliable
sources say  it's  a  hoot.  Night club,
Fort  Brunsett,  keep  your  teens  on
leashes, parents, because it sounds like
something right up their alley.

Last but  not least, oh ho, not least by
far,  we have a lovely contribution from
one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat.  I hear
there  was  quite  the handsome stud the
other day, took his clothes right off to
wash them all  buck naked.  A cowboy hat
over  the fun bits really does ruin some
of the joy, but mister, whoever you are,
that grandmother says you can give her a
show  whenever  you like!  Ladies,  it's
time  to  break  your washer and head to
the Laundromat because there's more than
suds perking up around there!

June 08 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we
had a record number of  Web hits for SAT
words to stump me with. Try harder.

I have a few for you, my rabid readers:
* semaphore
* duress
* substantiate

They  are  all,  one  is  certain, quite
appropriate words to use when describing
the  delectable  moaning  at  a  certain
bookstore  owner's  table  this  week. 
Surrounded  by  two  women,  no  less.
In public.  Kip, Kip, groupies already.

It  sounds  like one of those moaners is
prepping  for  a  street fair, soon, and
wants me to get wet along with her.  Far
be it from me to deny dunk tanks for
charity.

Hear that,  Lou?  That's  the sound of a
good  dye  job spiraling down the drain,
and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.

June 15 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &
State" by a mystery admirer.  Patron's a
little masculine, don't you think?  I'll
put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm
up for titles, folks.  Or Maven.  That's
much better.  What do YOU think?

The bonbons were delicious.  Thank you!

Speaking of  admirers,  Tommy,  you know
that little word Rebecah told you at the
farm?  I hear you didn't.  Also,  keep a
better eye out for security cameras next
time  you  and  the  boys  want  to
'anonymously' egg my house, and at least
dye  the  shells  first.  White's  so
ordinary, don't you think?

I  hear  tell  the  statue  down  on
Stagbridge  got itself a golden surprise
of its  own,  not  to mention any of the
cars  driving past it.  I think my tires
aspire  toward  pole-dancing,  as  much
glitter as  they've got in their treads. 
Gallons of gold glitter, I can see.  The
gold  top  hat and suit?  Sure hope they
don't  want  those  back.  I  distinctly
recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.

June 22 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  I have the
inestimable joy  of  reporting that  our
much-reported Kip is back in the paper:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!

Which of your girlfriends did you invite
to the party?

If  you  haven't  checked  out our local
Instagram  princess,  take a  gander  at
Franklyn Garreau.  Then again,  reliable
sources indicate she  may be dating C.B.
Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?

I don't know about poaching, but setting
hearts on  fire  is  one thing.  Setting
hunks of  fence  on  fire  is  something
altogether  different, and the volunteer
firefighters  are  still looking for the
culprit  on  that  one.  Who  needs  a
bonfire in THIS weather?

No,  Henrietta,  despite best efforts to
the contrary,  the burning smell down by
the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's
caboose.  What  sound  DOES a frying pan
full  of hot  potatoes make against bare
skin?

June 29 2017

     T A M A R A C K  T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
we have a man down in the city who needs
to be disabused of his avian heredity. I
don't know what drugs he was on,  but if
they can make  a  guy jump out of a tree
forty feet high, they've got to be some-
thing.  Kids,  don't do drugs.  Hospital
bills are killers.

So are  hunters,  but  it's not a hunter
bugging deer this time.  Seems there was
a  fight down at the The Union bar,  not
unusual,  Alexanders  being  Alexanders.
The  hotties  in  blue didn't want it to
get out,  but come, officers, how can we
resist?  The deer  was cheating, see. It
helped  the  other  guy out,  but in my
humble  opinion,  the  deer's  the real
victim here; it already died once. Let's
leave that buck alone.

Last  but not least,  this  juicy tidbit
was witnessed by yours truly down at the
Crossroads Cafe  just yesterday.  Is our
favorite Kip being left behind?  Mina, I
have to say,  you look fabulous.  Unlike
your choice in men.

Really, that hair? 

Sid, darling,  thank you for the flower.
Get a tailor.  And a hairdresser.  Don't
forget a barber.

July 06 2017

--------------------------------------   --------------------------------------

         LETTER to the EDITOR

Dear Ms. Schmitt,                        reputations in  public.  Is  this what
                                         the     area's    populace    consider
Since  no one  else will  condemn your   "entertainment"?   Are  you  making  a
travesty  of  a column,  it falls upon   living  off  the  suffering of others?
me to do so.                             Then  you  need  to  stop and consider
                                         what   you're  doing,  not  just  what
In  an  area  the  size  of  the  Fort   generates  more  subscribers  for your
Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column   newspaper.
like  yours  can  only  sow strife and   
discord.  You're no doubt aware of the   I  will  be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,
damage  your  column  does,   but  you   and  I  know I'm not the only one.  We
continue thanks  to "loyal" readership   the people  will  not  be  silenced or
who  likely slaver for whatever scraps   intimidated by your petty,  small-town
you deign to give them.                  small-mindedness.  Remember  that  you
                                         are   a   public  figure,  and  public
You should be  ashamed of yourself.  I   figures have a duty to do right by the
have  personally  witnessed  or  heard   public.
tales  of   your   column  threatening   
relationships,   striking  unnecessary   Be seeing you,
terror  into  the hearts of the timid,   
and  causing people  to fear for their   Number Six

--------------------------------------   --------------------------------------
                                         
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S         trouble was looming overhead.
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT       
                                         Even Jack's.  Don't listen to protests
This  week in Tamarack Falls,  I  have   otherwise.
the  unalloyed  joy  of  a threatening   
letter to report, my rabid readers! It   Second,  I  do  have  rather  a lovely
slanders  my  reputation,  which  I am   word  affair with Kip, don't I?  He is
perfectly  capable of doing on my own,   an  exquisite   example  of  the  male
darling Six,  and claims  a conspiracy   species.  By  drawing attention to the
of watchers -- just for me!              pairings I   do,   I  serve  a  social
                                         purpose   beyond   my   own  pleasure,
I'm flattered. Truly.                    though  I  will be first to assure you
                                         that writing about Kip is never dull.
Also,  typewriters  are fantastic, and   
I  would  love  to chat with you about   Gossip brings people together.
the  ink you  used.  I have an Olympia   
myself,   manual  of  course.  There's   Social rules these days aren't written
something  so  authentic  about  using   in a  book.  We live them.  By shining
equipment  which  will  last a hundred   the light  of day on transgressions, I
years.                                   show  the community where it could use
                                         a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,
Don't you agree?                         I  make them  laugh about it.  We're a
                                         small town in a great big world.
I do,  however,  disagree  with you on   
several points. Let us address them in   Does the entire town need to know that
order, shall we?                         Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies
                                         underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday
First,  size  has  nothing  to do with   afternoon   at  church?  Probably not,
the  media's ability  to influence the   but the shame of it will keep the girl
public.   It   is  our  duty  and  our   from doing it again,  now,  won't  it,
privilege to report,  faithfully,  the   Essie?
issues of the modern era.  In my case,   
this  being  an  entertainment column,   Does the entire town need to know that
yes,  dear,  revenues  do  indicate  a   I  admired  the  hot new teller at the
significant value  in my opinions, and   hardware store?  Probably  not, but he
I  have the personal gratitude of many   should be a firefighter so I can get a
who  would  otherwise never have known   calendar and  think  about my misspent
                                         youth...

July 13 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
delighted by the show of support from my
loyal  readers.  Thank  you   for   your
letters, ladies and gents.

As  for Six...  Surely  you were joking.
Telling   me   to   throw    my  darling
typewriter  out  a  window  is  not  the
commentary of  a  man who truly respects
his machines. 

On better news, our beloved Kip has used
the  kerfuffle to  earn  money  for  the
local  library,  for  which I thank him,
and  I  only  regret  he wasn't there to
sell  me  my  'E'  pin  all  by himself. 
He did,  however, give me  my  very own,
via Ms. Green, for which I thank him.  I
always knew I was a Queen!

Speaking  of queens,  I hear tell one of
Kip's  many ladies  may  be  hitting the
stage again,  and  wouldn't that   be  a
treat?   Break  a  leg, Mina!  I forgive
your lapse in judgement. 

For the rest of the Sixers out there,  I
fully  expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a
la  West Side Story,  down  Main Street.
Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,
can't you?  I know you will.

July 20 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a record number of fender benders, and I
can't  say I blame them.  'Pretty Woman'
doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were
less happily married to my job,  I might
be jealous  at  all the  attention she's
been getting.  Whoever she is.

Keep  an  eye out down by the riverbank.
Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want
any accidents.

In other news,  it  seems Cyclone is off
the  hook  for the latest  public brawl,
folks.  None other than our favorite Kip
was seen at Homepage Books duking it out
with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ
on whether it was over who was better in
the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.

Personally, seeing as there was shouting
and carrying on from at least two women,
one  of  which is the  lovely Mina,  the
other of which is an Angel,  I'm leaning
toward  the  gentlemen brawling over hot
dates.  Or their dates' honor...

I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl
for MY honor, that's for sure.  What do
you  say,  folks?  Feel up  to fighting
the good fight?

July 27 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
very little gossip-worthy action. Such a
shame.

That said,  Kip,  you  should go out and
talk  to Emma about cows.  I hear tell a
heifer had a thing or two to  say  about
a certain someone daydreaming instead of
paying attention to where she was going.

Crews are  still working to clean up the
tree limbs  brought  down  by that freak
thunderstorm  earlier this week,  so  be
patient   and   be  careful   if  you're
thinking about hiking  up Salvation.  If
you're   thinking    about   hiking   up
Mischance,  take care, and watch out for
Adam  Morrison.   Young,   black   hair,
creative.  His  friends said he was last
seen  near the mines during a LARP.  The
Miller boys intend to do a grid search
of the area this weekend if he isn't
found.

August 17 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  at  last I
return from two weeks in sunny,  utterly
dull  and  boring Florida.  Not a single
thing worthy of my talents, which says a
bit in  and of itself.  I'm  with Green,
Frank.  Arcadia's a bad idea.

I hear tell life around town got all the
excitement I missed!  Riot #1, exploding
ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague
Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight
and local DJ for WFBR,  has been sharing
that British charm with anyone who asks.
Lie back and think of England, indeed.

A little birdy  with  much  better pitch
than a certain laundromat  owner tweeted
about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,
last Friday,  if by good you mean a rip-
roaring  riot  over local-author-on-the-
lam C.B. Alexander,  poetry and,  oddly,
the   rights  of  vegetables.  Exploding
lights,  this time, instead of ice cream
tubs, but this reporter wonders.

Last  but  not  least,  hometown hopeful
Cameron Lefevre  has  returned  from his
failure at acquiring success and musical
obscurity.  Don't worry, Cam.  We're all
family  here.  No  one will ever forget,
but  we  laugh  because  we  care.  Also
because it was hilarious  schadenfreude,
but that's beside the point.

Welcome home.  Bring an extra string  to
your show in the park next week, kiddo.

August 24 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  say  a
fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,
long-term  member of the community,  and
I, for one, will miss his sermons on the
souls of fruitcakes.  Remember, it's all
in the nuts.

What a surprise to hear  about Mr.  C.B.
'Copfire' Alexander  being nuts himself.
Takes one to know one,  right?   Bet his
book sales  are  going through the roof.
Kudos, kid.  Pity  it wasn't just a pub-
licity stunt.  Or was it?

Get this, too.  At a reader's request, I
sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They
just  sent  their response:  not  just a
letter,  but  an actual FORM letter from
Sai   Joshi,  he   of  the  incomparable
eyelashes,  stating  that  while  he  is
aware they are abnormally long, they are
quite natural.

A form letter.

This begs the question:  how many people
ask about  his  eyelashes?   Has he ever
thought about  trimming  them?  Cosmetic
eyelash  buzzing  could become  a  whole
new trend.

August 31 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not
much  from  our own back yard. Let's get
started on a high note:  passers-by near
Majesty Records the other  morning saw a
certain  bookstore owner and radio Queen
'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully
cozy.  Is  this  why  his  coffee mug at
Homepage  clearly  showed lip  prints in
her  shade of lipstick?  What does Paige
have to  say about  this,  and how  many
pieces will he be in when she's done?

Speaking of tumultuous romances,  the up
and  downs with  Franklyn  are enough to
make me dizzy.  Personally,  I'd like to
know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire
when he got discharged from the hospital
the other day.  What angle does she have
on the  guy?  Is  getting a  play out of
him that important?

Heard  tell there  was a lady going into
Cat-22 covered  in blood,  which doesn't
bode well  for C.B. staying out of jail,
now,  does it?  Same  person who started
the  riot,  I'm  told,  but  my  sources
didn't give me any names.  Don't worry.
I'll keep digging.  So will the police,
if what was in her bag was really as
suspicious as it seemed...

Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard
diner.  I don't know about you, but that
Last Chance  place is going to need some
out  of  this  world delicious meals  or
have  some  pretty fancy gimmicks to get
me in there to try '90s mystery meat.

September 07 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a dearth of fiery gossip.  So sad.  I am
disappointed in you all.

So is this guinea pig I heard of down at
our  local Instagram  princess'  theatre
sleepover party.  There are a few rumors
floating around as to  his identity, but
none  conclusive.  The great  guinea pig
remains  a mystery.  Superheroes used to
be a bit more impressive...

On  the  bright side,  the slumber party
was a success, though I've heard several
reports  of  horrific  nightmares since.
Just what was in the water?

Even better,  our  favorite CB is in the
news again.  Seems there  was a gas leak
down  in Fort Brunsett  at Her Majesty's
record  store,  with  'gnarly' (who uses
that word?)  graphic gushing  nosebleeds
and  foul smells.  Does CB just like the
sight of blood?  He's been  in two riots
that  I'm  aware  of,  he  firebombed  a
police  station,   and  now  this.   Mr.
Alexander,  Tamarack Falls would like to
know.

Are you a vampire?

September 14 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at
last,  another  rumor about our favorite
bookstore  owner.  I  have  it  on  good
authority that  he was  seen walking out
of  a local bar with a lovely redhead on
his  arm.  Bill's  Bar, to  be  precise.
If  anyone's  keeping track of the women
in his  life, let  me  know,  because at
this point I've lost count!

Adorkable is in,  ladies.  Catch  him if
you can.

Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob
quarterback Simon Desrochers  may or may
not  have been invited to try out for  a
certain  very famous football team which
surely  none  of us will guess.  You go,
boy!  Won't convince  Suzie  you weren't
necking with Annette in the back seat on
the way out to practice, though.

I've been practicing a bit, myself.  The
fine art of writing sonnets, however,
still eludes me.

Try this one on for size:

The buds of Summer bloom,  and die,  and
fade.
What hope has he to warm us Winter long?
He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but
staid.
His heart is caught in his own lonely
song.

The  mountains  sigh  and  shiver in the
cold,
With icy winds no mortal may resist.
Ignoring  Autumn's  stories,  he   grows
bold.
He  questions,  begs  and  threatens  to
persist.

How  then  shall  we  treat a  heart  so
sure?
So  certain,  firm  and  faithful to his
truth?
It  trembles,   quakes  and  quivers  to
immure
The   friendly   public's   foibles   as
uncouth.

It  does  him little good to hold aloof.
For me, I only hope we're fireproof.

--

Woo me with poetry,  not with abuse,  my
darling Alexander.  Until we meet again.

September 21 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not
currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-
der  threw  a bit  of biological warfare
in through my  living  room  window.  It
was a good window, too.

More importantly,  you  left your finger
prints all over it, kid.  Already talked
to  the  deputy.  Your parents have been
informed.  Please don't do that again. I
won't mention it if you don't.

Now,  my  columns  will be written a bit
more slowly until this arm heals,  but I
do apologize  for  missing  last  week's
deadline.  Cows wait for no man.  Or me.
Obviously.  If you don't know  what  I'm
talking  about,   ask  Green.  Shh.  She
doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'

Now  down  to business.  I've heard tell
that our local tea witch Avalon has been
making a lot  of trips down to the river
lately.  Point  in fact,  I've got three
separate  eye  witnesses attesting  that
she's  wandered  on  home  soaked to the
bone three  times in  the past few weeks
alone.

Lonnie,  are  you  trying  to catch your
death?

It doesn't run fast.  Definitely  not as
fast as the Tam.  Slower than Kip,  too,
once  word gets out.  Just  what  WAS he
doing  in  that  lingerie store, anyway?
Shopkeepers  said  he  was  in  the male
section for half  an  hour, but wouldn't
tell  my sources what he bought.  More's
the pity.

September 28 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  learned
that I am getting old.  A nice young man
from out of  town insisted on helping me
walk  across  the  street.  Hopefully he
gets his  Boy Scouts merit badge for it.
Thanks for making 40 feel like 80,  kid.
I  hope I meet  a boy  like you when I'm
really aged and decrepit.

Speaking  of kids,  I  heard through the
grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused
some  local drama at a children's birth-
day  party.  Sounds  like  a kid started
using  pepper spray  on  the  clown  and
quoting some very inappropriate language
which  I won't repeat in print.  A local
Japanese magician's said to have stepped
in to take over, so kudos on not getting
Maced.

Violence is  otherwise  the  theme de la
semaine.  Got  some  very  confused cows
thanks  to  the tippers  out in the west
valley,  more  broken  windows  (thanks,
Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges
heading toward eastbank.  Joy,  Wendell,
you should know better.  You should also
be more  careful  about setting lookouts
to warn you that someone's sitting there
having a morning coffee while you paint.

On a brighter note,  I hear tell Candace
Malbury and  Richard  Miller were having
a  grand old time while prepping for the
town's harvest fair yesterday...

I never knew you could do so much with a
single ear  of  corn.  Never  wanted to,
either.  You  may  have  scarred  me for
life,  but  what  do I know?  I'm an old
lady who needs help crossing a street.

October 05 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK
in  the  limelight,  people.  I have not
one, not two, but THREE separate sources
citing  fascinating little tidbits about
our favourite lady-charmer.

Charming to us, perhaps.

I  hear tell that  he left Cyclone  in a
nasty  mood  the  other  night.  Lovers'
quarrel?  Why  pay  for beer  when Paige
would give it to him free?

Maybe she's just jealous of his success,
assuming  he really IS the secret author
of  the Haris  brother books.  Rumor is,
the  author  is  a  local.  Kip, are you
Nathalia Daring?  You're concealing your
secret  passion   for   C.B.  Alexander,
according  to  a number  of sources, and
you  do  seem to have  a large number of
these delightfully torrid novels in your
stock.  Tell all!

Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage
Books  sure  has a doozy.  A brown paper
package  addressed  to  the bookshop was
accidentally  left at  the  real  estate
agency  on  South  Main  and  Mill,  and
hoo boy, those girls got a surprise!  No
brochures,  but  there  was definitely a
ball-gag,  an  eight  foot long bullwhip
with a mighty interesting handle,  and a
single  copy  of  '212 Step Guide to the
Art of Masculine Domination'  signed  by
the  author with the personalisation of:
"You can do it, buddy!".  Apparently the
girls  at  the estate agency just didn't
know what to do.  Maybe they were scared
the  proprietor  next  door  would  love
their neighbour as they love themselves.

Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither
Nancy Drew  nor  Jessica Fletcher, but I
do  appreciate the intimation that 40 is
still  below the aged and decrepit line.
You're  welcome to  help me  across  the
street any day, handsome.

October 12 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
few relationship squabbles and a few odd
events, but let's get to the juicy stuff
first.

Number One:  Jason Weatherby,  don't you
know by now not to go slicking your wick
in places it shouldn't go?

Number Two:  Anita and Josephine  aren't
your type, George.  Trust me. The  words
I  have  refrained from  printing  about
you on account  of  your papa being nice
to me in high school...

Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy
little fox.  I didn't know you had it in
you.  You go girl!

Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all
get to play at being fair maidens (well,
some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah
darling) soon.  I heard tell that const-
ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is
going to be a perpetual jousting tourney
and such.  Costumes  and riding lessons,
sword  fighting,  and  possibly  a polar
bear, though  I  personally  suspect  my
source  had had a bit  too  much  of the
aqua vitae.

Have to  wonder  if  our local Instagram
princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit  too
much to drink, herself.  I've heard from
six sources, now, that she was seen down
in  our  favourite  Alexander's  Cat-22,
barely dressed, laughing and humming and
writing who knows what down. Whatever it
was, we'll never know,  too, because I'm
told  a  fellow (fella? sources couldn't
decide) named  Teagan  took a bat to the
table, then shredded it all.

Franky, Franky.  What are you doing?

You're supposed  to  date  that  charmer
Amanda,  not  give C.B.  more reasons to
give our fine officers hot feet.

It  does  seem  Green's  got  herself at
least one admirer, even if it isn't you.
Heard  tell  there was a  fine  Japanese
gentleman  wandering  around  drugged to
the gills and rambling love poems.

Then again,  the way this town is going,
maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,
do tell.  Do you like your  men all soft
and mumbly?

October 19 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in  Tamarack Falls,  we  don't
need our jackets  much;  it's summer all
over again.  Whichever of you's whisper
ing sweet nothings into Autumn's ears, I
hope  you  can  explain  yourself to the 
forsythia.  It's not even close to being
Spring, and my poor, confused bushes are
trying their utmost to bloom.

Emily's  blooming  too,  I hear.  Kudos, 
kiddo.  Congratulations on  the scholar
ship.

Kudos  to a stranger named Ziv as well,
and I'm sure Crumpet would thank her if
a  dog could talk.  I've  heard  a  few
folks chitter-chattering away about her
heroic stormdrain pup rescue services.

Now,  if only somebody could rescue our
darling Bill's  head.  The Scouts tried
to  honor  the guy by hanging up a sign
above the doorway to the bar,  but some
kid obviously hasn't done his carpentry
merit badge yet,  on account of how the
nails weren't really holding that thing
to the wall...

Don't  worry.  It's  a mild oak-induced
concussion.  He's cussing alright,  and
fit to spit nails.  Not literally. They
didn't  hit  his  mouth.  Bet he'd look
fantastic with a nose piercing to go on
through the new holes there, though.

October 26 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we get the
delightful chance  to  marvel  at  human
stupidity.  Harold  Lehrman,  did I tell
you  or did I not that you'd regret that
chainsaw  you left on your floor?  Thank
me  later for  getting  your name in the
paper.

Amanda Green, you shameless minx.  Don't
you think  I won't repeat  that  you did
your  entire show  in dishabille. Beyond
it, even.  Stealing hearts with a pretty
voice and a lovely...smile.

We've  got  ourselves  a  vorpal playing
card, too, and this author wonders about
the timing of the King of Hearts,  given
poor Kip's freshly single status.  I got
it  from  Crossroads Cafe,  my  very own
self, from his very own lips.

Surely  we can't  blame him,  then,  for
being seen the other  night leaving with
not one, but two unknown ladies,  all of
them drunk  as a skunk.  He  says he was
going back to a hotel with them, but for
what, I wonder?

This isn't  the first time I've heard of
Kip going off with someone, either. Why,
just in the last few weeks,  I hear tell
he  and C.B. Alexander drove  off  alone
to do  'something' together.  C.B.  went
off  with  our  local Instagram Princess
Franklyn Garreau, too.

Busy, busy, Mr. Alexander.

Point in fact,  I hear tell you picked a
fight  down in Riverside and went out to
the east  bank dressed like some kind of
tie-dyed female royalty. Is the pressure
too much?  When's  your next book due to
be   published?  If  you need some  help
with relaxation techniques, talk to Anne
Harlin.  The Reverend says SHE can sleep
just about anywhere...

November 2 2017

     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, Rebecca has
asked me to clarify that she is a  minxy
BIG fox, in search of a BIG man,  if you
know what she means.

Don't I wish I did.

Saw  a  couple of  hikers the  other day 
heading up  Mischance with,  I  kid  you
not,  ten dogs.  Ten.  I  counted  three
times.  What were they planning  to  do?
Wait until  it snowed and run a Tamarack
Iditarod?

I don't  know  about you,  but  I have a
hard enough  time  keeping a house plant
alive,  much less (almost) a dozen dogs.
Kudos, strangers. Emphasis on strange.

Speaking of strange,  have you seen that
glittery  purple  balloon lately?  Watch
out,  mystery pilot.  The winds over the
waterfall  can  be  tricky.  My youthful
admirers may  not believe it of me,  but
I  was  once   a  ballooning  champ  for
three  years running,  until I took this
arrow in the knee.

On a more heartwarming note (or not,  if
you're a Scrooge  like George),  a group
of newcomers  went out and visited folks
at Riverside Hospital this past  Tuesday
for Halloween.  

No police were called,  so  it's safe to
say  that  whatever else they did,  they
didn't scare children to death.

Seriously, that was a really  good deed,
folks.  Keep it up.

You too, big mystery man.