Tamarack Times Gossip Column/2019
Year 2019 - Archive of Tamarack Times Gossip Column
January 3, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, someone has
been a very naughty boy. I don't know
who did it, and neither do the cops if
sources are correct, but I hear tell the
New Year's Eve parties got mighty epic
out there on the mountain.
Mind, anyone within ten miles could see
as much themselves, given the size of
the fire they built up there...
Questionably lawful or not, whoever it
was left not a shred of easy evidence.
Not even trash. If I were the fire
chief, I've gotta say, that's the kind
of fire threat I'd like to see around
more often. No real damage, nothing
to clean up. No footprints, either,
which is the kicker.
Do we have ourselves some pyro ghosts?
Speaking of fire, don't forget to stop
by the town forge for your black iron,
if you haven't gotten it already. I
got myself a little birdy to hang up
over my door, and my, that little peep
peep peeper hasn't stopped all week.
Let's see if I can fit this all in...
The police are supposedly searching for
a large man who was running through the
streets on New Year's Day, starkers, to
question him for several piles of feces
left in public places. I'm told he was
a mighty hairy soul, except where every
one wanted it. Gotta say, I'm undecid-
ed, but I can feel my editor developing
hives at the thought of what else I
might say on the subject. I'll be good.
Two statues are missing from outside of
the Eastbank Savings & Financial Group
down by Patterson Bridge, with heaps of
glitter and broken glass left in t heir
place. Really? Broken glass? Come on,
people. That's not safe.
A drunk man at Alchemy swears, up and
down, that he saw an angel and a devil
sitting down to drink together with an
elf and a vampire. I don't know about
you, but I'd like to know just what it
was the man was drinking. I could use
a bit more excitement in my life.
Kidnappers, that is not permission to
come back.
January 10, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are past
the holiday hump a nd into the holiday
slump, at least until Valentine's Day.
Boys, let me tell you, chocolates get
old. Never bon-bons, but have you ever
tasted those stale things in the cheap
drug store boxes?
No offense meant, drug stores, but the
chocolate really is awful.
Then again, maybe I'm just spoiled.
The latest gossip THIS week is all about
local boy turned skiing phenom, Justin
Thyme. He's back from his latest tour,
and hoo boy, does he make me feel like a
slug out on the cross-country trails. A
few of the local farmers, Fry family
included, have opened up the fences on a
few of their farther pastures, and
there's a good long loop out there close
to the foot of Mount Salvation West. I'd
steer clear of the foothills, just in
case. The temperature fluctuations have
been playing merry hob with the rocks up
there, and the rockfalls aren't anything
to trifle with.
Our naked Running Man has been
identified, but he has personally asked
me not to put his name in the paper. He
also says that he was very, very drunk,
and that he used to have a pirate outfit
on until the talking frog told him to go
and kiss the princess in the river. I'm
told the princess is the one who asked
the man to strip to prove his love...
If I ever meet a princess and she asks
ME to chuck my clothes in a snowbank, I
don't know about you, but my answer will
be a firm, resounding, "Are you CRAZY?"
I've had a look-see down at the fancy
new convention center by the Patterson
Bridge, in other news, and all I've got
to say is: wow. Just, wow. That is one
impressive building. The owner took the
time to speak with me, for which I am
grateful, and if you haven't seen his ad
elsewhere in the paper, you should check
it out. Every room is different in that
place, and let me tell you, the kitchens
are to die for.
January 17, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are the
lucky recipients of the Hometown of Beca
Lynn award, awarded us by none other
than THE 7-year old Beca Lynn herself.
Beca, kid, let me be the first to say
how much I hope you rule with a kind and
wise fist when you someday gain control
of the planet. Read/watch a lot of
Spiderman in the meanwhile, with some
emphasis on that whole 'With great power
comes...' business.
Speaking of great responsibility, what I
want to know is who stole Ms. Mhurrain's
pet chinchilla. The great fluff caper
is ongoing in Classroom 102 down at the
Patterson Middle School. If anyone has
a lead on Mr. Sprinkles' whereabouts, we
here at the Tamarack Times will gladly
pass it along.
Watch out for falling snow -- and snow-
balls, for that matter. A little birdy
told me that a certain group of teenage
miscreants has been at it again, this
time with food coloring and glitter. Two
of our Town Councilors, Emily Watson and
Zeke Regan, have found that opening
their own front doors resulted in a snow
heap avalanche and a regrettable glitter
infection.
Mrs. Watson, who runs the local library
for those of you out of town, has very
specifically and clearly stated that, I
quote, she "wants those responsible for
the incidents to come forward and own up
to their poor judgement."
Mr. Regan, on the other hand, sends to
offer his congratulations and his admir-
ation for the juvenile culprits, and, I
paraphrase, his belief that they should
avoid climbing on other roofs for at
least a month given how much luck it
must have burned not to fall off of his
slate tiles and break their necks.
January 24, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, there are
officially three weeks until Valentine's
day. Hear that, Jack? Three.
If you, like the Mayor, have difficulty
counting to numbers higher than one, you
may enjoy the following nugget of wisdom
from Crossroads Cafe this week.
While we haven't heard about our bookish
darling in some time, we HAVE heard all
about local football wunderkind Simon
Desrochers. Sadly, while his team did
not make it into the Superbowl, his baby
brother has now made it into the paper!
See, Derek is a special boy. So special,
he is beyond the scope of traditional
arithmetic, as evidenced by his atypical
method of paying his bills... Word to
the wise: attempting to pass off a small
button mushroom as a quarter, while a
great idea in fairyland, doesn't work in
a real mortal business plan, no matter
how long your eyelashes are, or how much
practice you have at wielding them
against anything with estrogen.
The four-year old earnestly correcting
his efforts only added to the appeal.
Derek, you're cute. So's your girlfriend
of the week. I say this with a near-
stranger's love: if you start walking
the riverbank and weeping, I will per-
sonally find your mama and fill her in
on just what it is you did when you were
thirteen and a half.
Don't you love small towns?
January 31, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, brrr, is it
just me, or did someone thoroughly piss
off Old Man Winter?
On the bright side, no self-respecting
animals are going to be out in THIS
weather eating all the Bread Men buried
in the snow out there.
Plans for the Valentine's Day festival
are well under way, and not without
their own particular drama. Why, I heard
from three of my most fashionable
sources that the committee was actually
considering using flowers grown some-
where other than the Greengarden for the
floral wreaths and table decorations.
For shame, ladies (and Bill). For shame.
Bill, at least, has known conflict of
interest. I forgive him. Never Martha,
unless she agrees to let me add a secret
message on those candy hearts.
Speaking of which, what do you all think
about the Necco news? Terrible business,
that, not having Sweethearts for V-Day
2019.
What sayings would YOU put on the hearts
if you were the one in charge of writing
clever things?
I asked around the general store, and
here are my personal favorites:
"MY WAY" - Mindy Mayweather, Age 9
"SORRY" - George White, Age 40mumble
"NOW?" - Sara Sinski, Age 23
"FORGET ME NOT" - Mabel Joyce, Age 92
Mabel, who could possibly forget you?
February 07, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, our drought
has ended! At last, at last, we have
Kip Kensington back in our modest little
corner of the paper, and my, what a way
to end up back in print.
See, a reliable source informs me that
our judgement-impaired bookish darling
has done it again. If Mina isn't already
out of his life, she's sure to leave him
for THIS one: suffice it to say that
deeds of a conjugal nature were reported
between him and local gadget menace
'Widget' no-last-name.
Kip, Kip, Kip.
I thought better of you.
Mina, my condolences. If it helps, I'm
told, too, that a certain degree of
alcohol was involved in the incident.
Speaking of alcohol-fueled incidents,
if anyone spots a bizarre and very naked
tree out on the road to the Miller com-
pound, none other than Allen Miller him-
self, thoroughly be-rummed and grogged,
glittered and feathered, attempted to
perform a ritual to a newly devised and
arboreal god. This ritual, as I am
told, largely consisted of peeling the
bark off of his deity's foes.
Naked.
Allen is currently at Riverside Hospital
and is expected to make a full recovery
from hypothermia and frostbite to rather
personal places.
I hope his cheeks are as rosy as the new
bouquet of flowers on my desk...
Thank you, Jack. Now if only they were
red instead of sunny yellow.
February 14, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, romance is
in the air.
For some people, I'm sure they wish they
hadn't sniffed the roses...
Here's to Jonah Mitchelson, who learned,
only after filling his house with lovely
blossoms, that his affianced was deathly
allergic to half of his carefully dis-
played arrangements. Kelly, we promise,
he wasn't trying to kill you. He swears
by "the moon and the stars in the sky"
that he only wanted to show his love for
you, and has paid me $20 to not gag on
how sappy-sweet and over the top guilty
he feels about your anaphylactic shock.
Here, too, is to Selina Gorr, and to her
beloved puppy Chewchew, who with but one
adorable woof single-pawedly stopped the
traffic on Main Street for over ten min-
utes while Mrs. Gorr had hysterics over
the dog's costume...and how much of it
was glitter glue -- WET glitter glue, at
that, and thence all over the inside of
her Subaru.
I'm told the dog was a hit at Patterson,
though, once the glue had dried.
Last but not least, we have Mr. Jackson
and his charming wife Inatt, whose
re-dedication to their marriage will be
held the day this is published. If I
live to be a hundred and two, I want to
be someone's Inatt. You're adorable,
Mr. Jackson, and your wife is a very
lucky woman to have found you.
On a different sweet note, get your cart
ready at the mall, fellow chocaholics!
Tomorrow, the holiday will be over, and
the cheap chocolate sales will have
begun!
February 21, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I get to
talk about my favorites: love and pain!
I have to tip my metaphorical cap to Mr.
Hamilton, however, for going above and
beyond the call of booty. It's not just
any paramour who would climb up onto the
icy roof of his lover's home to retrieve
a monster of a Maine Coon, only to end
up in the hospital with seven stitches
from said beloved feline's claws.
Gentlemen, your bar has been set.
Rebecca Thorpe, now, has something else
for us to do with bars... Becca, I had
no idea one woman could pretzel herself
into so many different variations on a
heart. I only regret that I wasn't over
at Bill's to see it.
I'm told the bar's Facebook page has the
choice picks of the videos patrons took
of the event.
Speaking of events, thank you to all and
sundry for helping make the Warm Hearts
Festival a success. Kara asked me to let
you all know that, over the entirety of
the festival, the town raised $3,554 for
local shelters and charities for kids at
Riverside Hospital.
Reliable rumor-generator Haruki was
noted as a frequent volunteer, wearing
heart deely-boppers and feathered wings,
while teaching origami and infecting the
world with glitter. As several people
have told me, he was sadly bemoaning his
single state, so if you want a little
Japanese magic, folks, sounds like he's
available!
Now for some fun! A little birdy tweets
that the '80s Karaoke Night down at
Alchemy was THE place to be, including
such highlights as:
* Haruki and Itsuki (magicians) dressed
as characters from Cats (the musical)
* Damion King (boxer, gym owner) sing-
ing "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor
* Widget (aforementioned gadget menace)
singing "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns
N' Roses
* Zillah Grimes (of tea shop fame) with
Depeche Mode's "Behind the Wheel"
* Poppy Devereux as Joan Jett
* Carter Logan (THE Carter Logan) with
Motörhead's "Orgasmatron" who, I am
told, quite stole the show.
Gotta say, if anyone wants lessons in
anything musical, this area's a good one
to live in, as many performers as we
have around here. I'm not complaining!
February 28, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, believe it
or not, we're getting closer to Spring.
Trust me, I have the gardening catalogs
to prove it. I don't know how much money
THEY think I earn writing this column,
but it's sure not enough to buy the bulb
collections I've been drooling over!
Now, if only they'd invent a cold-hardy
ixia...
Still, for those of you who want your
floral fix, I'm told the greenhouses up
at the Greengarden Nursery will be open
to the public as of March 1st. I'll be
there, dreaming of being young again and
capable of kneeling in the dirt for hour
upon hour without creaky knees...
I am glad to say that I'm not the only
one getting old in this town, as Charlie
can attest. Or can he? Char, you know
I love you, but this is the price you
pay for coming over every Tuesday night
and slurping up my noodles.
See, Charlie here swears up and down he
never forgets a thing. He has a mind
like a steel trap, or like an elephant,
or like the Prototype Series 1000 Term-
inator, but hopefully with less melting
in a vat of molten who knows what.
Far be it from me to call out a friend
in a paper read by thousands of people
across multiple cities, but burning my
family-famous lasagna, my pot holder, my
kitchen curtains and half of my freshly-
painted, brand new kitchen cabinets to a
black and stinky crisp deserves some
public laughter. Folks, don't you worry
about me. Or Char. He redeemed himself
by calling in the firefighters, and by
baking me a consolation pie with extra
apology strawberries on it.
Moral of the story: friends are the ones
you can trust to burn your house down,
and they smell better than an elephant.
Really, with a name like 'Char' I should
have known better...
March 07, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it's time
to start dreaming of Spring! Mind you,
that's dreaming of it, not actually see-
ing it any time soon.
I had a dream. It was a simple one, and
inexpensive. See, it doesn't cost a lot
of money for young men to slow down when
driving motorbikes down muddy dirt roads
with lines of hikers on the verge. Jake
Nielssen, I hope you enjoyed your trip
up Salvation. Mrs. Sally and the eighth
grade class of Patterson Middle School
would have enjoyed their field trip a
whole lot more if they weren't covered
in frigid slimy muck for half the walk
up the mountain.
On a happier note, thank you, Elizabeth,
for showing us your rock. I hope you see
only the best through the hole in it.
I used to collect pebbles, myself, from
the banks of the River Tam. White
quartz was a favorite, and anything
with stripes. Maggie Whinsom could have
used a bit more 'stripe' herself, from
what I hear. Mags, doing a polar dip is
one thing, but doing a polar /bare/
instead of a polar /bear/ is something
else...
Look on the bright side. You sure got
Captain Kenny's attention. Speaking of
which, welcome home, soldier. Just wish
it didn't have to happen under these
circumstances. My condolences for your
pa.
March 14, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, let's get
our green on! Saint Patrick's Day is a-
coming, and we all know what that means:
beer!
That's right. The amount of food colour
we're all going to be drinking over the
next week is obscene, but it will be oh,
so good. I have been bribed by the 'I
Feel Hoppy' microbrewery to gossip about
how delicious they are, but I have to
admit, while their beers are good for a
beer, or an ale, I'm more of a tasty
chocolate bonbon and glass of wine kind
of girl.
Sorry, Junior. Old Jack and I go way
back. You owe him $20 for that one. He
bet you'd bring me the wrong bonbons,
and he was right.
Speaking of beer, a little birdy tells
me that a certain blue-haired somebody
was seen walking along the banks of the
Tam late last night, singing drunken
pirate ballads and strumming a guitar. I
am a kind woman, and won't name names,
but you know who you are. So does half
of YouTube at this point.
Your cousin wasn't so kind.
My editor promises he'll make it up to
you another time, readers, but I have a
smaller word limit than usual thanks to
the news segment. Check Channel 10 for
more details.
March 21, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
strange one, folks. While I can under-
stand the urge to acquire sweet things,
being a reasonable human being, I am not
about to lumber into Sweet Treats,
commandeer four gallon tubs of caterer's
honey, intimidate the duty manager and
knock over jars of preserves on my way
out.
If anyone sees a very sticky one-armed
woman around, keep your honey close, and
the telephone number of the local cops
closer.
That said: we've been waiting for what
seems like forever, but it is finally,
blessedly, SPRING!
Ignore the snow. Just pretend it isn't
there. I have paper flowers in the
windows thanks to our copy-editor's
niece Janine, and I am going to turn on
all of the lights, spray some Glade air
freshener, and pretend I'm in a sunny
garden.
Soon. Soon, the Mrs. Evelyn Miller
Memorial Gardens will be greening, and
I can stop giving myself perfume head-
aches.
Randall knows all about those, now,
doesn't he? Kid, word to the wise: if
you want to dress up like your mom, try
waiting to use the perfume until you can
ask her which ones cost more than your
entire Summer allowance mowing lawns. I
love the polka dots on the flip-flops,
however, and your talent at doing brows
by far exceeds my own. Talk to Lou and
Bang Bang down at Crops and Bobbers some
time. You're almost old enough to be a
part-timer, and they'd be lucky to have
you.
March 28, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I must put
a particular set of rumors to bed, and
they are not, alas, going in mine.
No, my lovely readers, I am not dating
our inestimable Mr. Kensington. He is an
adorable disaster, and I'd far prefer to
write about those than live them.
Just who IS he dating, these days, we
wonder?
Kip aside, I hear there's more than a
bit of romance in the air for Mr. Lewis
and former high school beauty queen Miss
Rosario. When I hit sixty, I hope a man
is still willing to serenade me on a
banjo in the middle of the street, John.
Lira's a lucky woman.
I'm told we have a bit of feline romance
in the air as well... Some kitty-cat
Lothario out there is serenading, and by
serenade we mean yowling at, lady cats
all down Main Street the past week, but
despite their best efforts, volunteer
cat controllers have yet to locate the
amorous animal.
Last but not least, this week marks the
twentieth anniversary of badgering our
beloved Mayor, Jacques Bonheur, into
becoming our Mayor in the first place.
Here's to you, Jack.
April 04, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, SOMEone has
sure been busy out there in the forests.
Hikers from tour groups are a-twitter
over the weird art popping up along the
trails. Someone's been taking inspir-
ation from the Alebrijes, in my opinion,
and if not, I'd like to know what they
were smoking, because the mind that
made that many bizarre rainbows must be
quite the place to be.
For those of us eagerly awaiting the
first hints of green on the mountain-
sides, we're in luck. The weather guys
say we're getting a string of warmer
days and nights, and the Frozen Bread
Guy contest may finally have a date for
checking out the winners! Just don't go
eating any. You don't know which critter
peed on that...
The ladies at the Evelyn Miller Memorial
Gardens have asked me to let you all
know that they are paying attention to
the distribution of illegally deposited
cigarette butts on the benches, and will
let us all know if butt-augury becomes a
valid method of predicting the future.
Yes. I typed that in a paper. Some days
I really love my job.
April 11, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
delightful influx of tourists to thank
for the success of the April Fling. Mrs.
Ethel Maine-Cordenstone and Miss Susanne
Rosario-Ramirez literally took the cake,
this year, and may their arguments ever
end up with both parties sweetened by
dessert.
I'm sure the dry cleaner will be able to
get most of that out.
On a different note, it sounds like our
very own Kidd Starr has 'starred' (I'm
sure that joke will never get old, Kidd)
in his last internship, and is ready for
a congregation of his own. Reverend
Starr, may you age like a fine wine and
have the wisdom not to repeat past
mistakes. I forgive you for my tulips.
Mostly.
Your friend Robert, however...
Bobby Whittlepin, your mama would be
rolling in her grave if she knew you were
the one responsible for getting coffee on
the school's piano. It's a good thing
for you that nobody delivers this column
to the local cemetery for the ghosts.
April 18, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
that SOMEone has been ordering seeds
galore. What in the world would anyone
want with that much mustard? I wouldn't
have known if it weren't for the loose
packaging. Boxes these days. What's
with having the delivery guy leave them
on the side of the road in, too?
Seems we have a newcomer up to all sorts
of odd things, but beyond that they tend
to involve animals, I haven't been told
yet. Stay tuned, folks, for next week's
edition.
Speaking of...
Next week is the official Frozen Bread
Guy celebration, and I've got my eye on
a few potential winners. I'll let you
know next week if my guesses were
correct! Mary-Sue, you already know, so
hush that mouth or I won't share my bon-
bons.
I WILL share that I've heard a few of
our more rebellious youths chatting
about a new gang in the city. Something
with fire and snowflakes, and marks
painted in improbable places. How they
got to the bottom of Stagbridge is
beyond me. We haven't had much gang-
related violence out here in a dog's
age, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Fort Brunsett police are cautioning
folks to keep an eye out for the artist
responsible for the graffiti involved.
Please report to them, not me, though if
you wanted to share anything especially
juicy, I wouldn't say no...
April 25, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I get to
tell you all that I have misjudged my
raisins.
That's right. My guess for the Bread
Guy was completely wrong. Itsuki, I
am sorry to have doubted your ability
to bake a man-sized loaf that not
even the deer would want to molest
over the winter.
Clearly, the bar is set for next year
and the recipes for THAT season. Who'd
have thought baking inedible bread would
be a GOOD thing?
The source of the odd animal-based
rumors has been located: a tall, dark
skinned man has been responsible for
two traffic jams and a whole flock of
Instagram posts over the past couple
of weeks, and here are just a few of
the reasons why:
1. He ministers to dog congregations in
the park to reassure them that they
are all good boys and girls.
2. He lets those dogs pretend to be
parrots on his shoulders while he
sings lullabies to feeding ducks.
3. He catches fish only to teach the
scaly things tips and tricks to
avoid being caught in the future.
4. As the photos on the internet can
already attest, he eats picnics with
bears...
I'm told that he also went up to Four
Hills in search of, no joke, a bat
named Eustace to help it find its farm.
I don't know about you, but the funny
farm is where I'd be leaning toward
at that point.
If anybody knows the guy, point him my
way. I've got some groundhogs he could
talk out of my tulips.
May 02, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, our beloved
local loonies have done it again. By all
I saw across the river, the Lefevre fam-
ily's Beltane celebrations yesterday
were as enthusiastic and prone to ineb-
riation as always.
The real question for me is this: was
the booze strong enough to get Cam up on
a stump somewhere to play for us? Kid,
you had so much potential. It's a crying
shame to hide that light under a padlock
and a three-factor authentication system
so complex that even you can't figure it
all out.
Speaking of mysteries, try this one on
for size: between the hours of 2:00PM &
4:00PM, a swarm of spiders invaded the
Lethbridge Library. Creepy much? No one
has noticed anything else amiss, and no
one is quite sure how, or why, they
swarmed like that.
On a similar note, I've heard a lot of
folks discussing extra rats in the town
lately. Five people reported finding
the furry buggers sitting outside on the
windowsill until shooed off, and that's
just the ones willing to come have a cup
of coffee and a chat.
I have my guesses as to who the insti-
gator was, and that Rainbow Brite look-
a-like who runs the Rising Sun Tourneys
should watch out -- I hear tell that a
strange man and a dog were out there at
the stables after business hours, talk-
ing to the horses about revolting. My
friend's friend says he didn't have the
luck he wanted, though, since all the
horses are still snug as a bug in a rug
out in the stable.
May 09, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Haruki, I
promise it wasn't me this time. We've had
reports of rabbity garden pests going
missing at an oddly rapid rate, and no
one's quite sure why. If anybody sees a
very fat-looking flock of hawks or eagles
out there somewhere, let us know!
Otters have been the draw lately, and the
tourism committee is on the ball. In case
you haven't seen them yet, you can buy
your very own 'You Otter Come Back to TF'
t-shirts. Mindy, I know the otter is
supposed to look like it's having fun,
but I've got to say, the bottle in its
hand needs a much clearer label... Is it
a beer or a soda? I could use some wine,
myself. 'Otter' go by the general store
when I'm done writing, to drink away the
puns...
Now, I know what you're going to say.
"Enid," you'll tell me, "you just said
you needed to drink away puns," but these
were given to me by an adorable, hard-
dealing five year old who won a bet about
that odd man and his ducks, and a promise
is a promise. See this, Elise? Payment
rendered. Your jokes have now been shared
with the world.
* What do you call a dinosaur that is
sleeping? (A dino-snore!)
* Why did the student eat his homework?
(Because the teacher told him it was a
piece of cake!)
* How does a scientist freshen her
breath? (With experi-mints!)
* Why can't Elsa have a balloon? (Because
she'll let it go.)
You're welcome.
May 16, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, preparation
for the week-long Memorial Day festival,
and the 'fall-side ceremony to celebrate
and honor the fallen, is well underway.
Veterans are being asked to offer their
opinions and to vote on possible options,
but we all know Marilyn's blueberry-rasp-
berry-marshmallow puffed rice desserts
will win. Who can say no to sugary fruit
and crunch-sticky stars?
In news less likely to make dentists feel
needed, I hear tell a certain pirate club
owner had a sartorial slip the other day.
Is she joining the ranks of her employees
up on the stage, or does she just really
want the world to know about her panty
preferences? The 'KISS ME' on the cheeks
was so much sassier than I expected. Miss
Black, may your depths remain unplumbed
and further mysteries fully clothed.
A friend of a friend of a friend's third
cousin's lawyer's uncle's fifth brother
claims to have heard from Carter Logan's
own lips that he intends to go back into
show business. Is this true? Will the
golden voice return to the stage? I have
my doubts, but you, my rabid readers,
have all the time in the world to hunt
him down and find the truth.
Personally, if we're going for childhood
vocal heroes, I'd have to toss a zombie
Beatles reunion into the hat. Anybody
know a good necromancer with reasonable
rates?
May 23, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, thanks to a
VERY vocal discussion in Crossroads Cafe,
I have been wheedled into including a,
shall we say, more educated (read: nerdy)
series of jokes. Elise's brother, in case
you haven't met him, is going to be a
lawyer some day. Michael, I expect to see
your name on TV when I'm aged and
decrepit.
* What does a dyslexic, agnostic insom-
niac spend most of his time doing?
(Staying up at night wondering if
there really is a dog.)
* What do you say when you're comforting
a spelling nut?
(There, their, they're...)
* What do you get when you put root beer
into a square glass? (Beer!)
* Descartes walked into a bar and the
bartender asked him, "Would you like a
drink?"
"I think not," Descartes said, before
vanishing.
Contract fulfilled, kiddo. I'll expect a
lemonade next time, as promised.
Speaking of sour things, if you haven't
had a chance to check out Betsy Winnet's
thunder-juice, I highly recommend it. I
also recommend having something nearby to
take the taste out of your mouth. Betsy,
I have no idea what you put in that juice
of yours, but kudos to you for finding a
way to beat even the Warhead candies I
love so well.
Now, if only she would explain just why
she calls it THUNDER juice...
May 30, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the town
has endured its fair share of tie-dyed
bovines and Pink Mystery ice cream. Fry
family fun, I will have you know, has
resulted in my tastebuds crying for
mercy in the very best of ways. Kudos,
cow-runners.
It wasn't only MY tastebuds rising up in
revolt against their delicious invaders,
either. Why, Melissa Maybell of Channel
6 fame ran through the tents so fast, I
thought her tail was on fire. Live and
learn: you can move surprisingly quickly
in a pencil skirt and three-inch heels.
Pink Peppercorn ice cream, as an aside,
is best enjoyed by those whose tongues
have already given up on life and res-
igned themselves to torture by fire.
There were some adorable moments,
however, and the run itself went very
well. Figures are still being tallied
up, but it sounds like the local shelter
groups will be getting at least a few
thousand dollars. Speaking as someone
who may or may not be stoned out of my
home some day, please continue to sup-
port your local homeless shelters. It's
a rough world out there, and there are a
lot of folks who just need a hand to get
them back up on their feet.
June 06, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the cows
have passed, and we have ducks to look
forward to! Keep an eye on the sky next
week, folks, and get yourself and your
kids down to the River Tam, just south
of the Miller lumber yard. If anyone
still needs to register their duckapult,
the safety inspectors will be holding
meetings at the Town Hall every day, by
appointment and walk-in.
Jeremy Thatcher has asked me to let you
all know that he lost his first tooth on
his birthday, eating cake.
His mother would like me to let you know
that the cake his tooth fell off in was
not his.
Betty, my condolences, but look on the
bright side: the tooth stayed in the
family!
Getting old, which I most certainly am
not doing, means that I have a lot more
tooth-loss than birthday cakes to look
forward to. Jeremy, when your new
chompers grow in, take good care of
them. You only get new ones once.
June 13, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the ducks
are flying, and I don't mean the kind
our hunters can have fun shooting. I can
hear the trebuchets thwacking, honking
and tooting from my living room window,
and I've got to say, for as long as I've
lived here, I don't think I have ever
heard a 'symphony' of trebuchet-flingers
as diverse as this year's composition.
Mayor Jack is on the judging committee
this year, so bring him lots of bonbons,
folks, as bribes. You can leave them
with me.
He might get one or two...
Speaking of going missing, Brigitte Yves
was talking just the other day about her
pies disappearing from her windowsill. I
don't want to point fingers, covered in
blueberries or not, toward a few young
culprits I may or may not have seen
chortling in the woods, but an apology
seems in order, ladies, doesn't it?
All Miss Yves asks is that you bake pies
to replace the ones you pilfered, and to
pay her back for the time you stole with
your own pastry pilfering.
June 20, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I've been
wondering: is it just me, or have we had
a raging case of LARP? As older readers
may not know, a LARP is a Live Action
Role-Playing game, where people dress up
like fairies and hairy Conan the Desper-
ately needs a Barber-ian to play out
stories. In public. Where people can
see them.
When I was younger, make-believe didn't
have quite as many rules...
Or actual swords.
I'll grant them this: my younger self
didn't have quite as many steamy men and
women in those oddball outfits, either.
Clyde, your mother named you well, and if
you ever brag about hefting me up over
your head, tell everyone I weighed twenty
pounds less!
Now, I've heard the Ladies' Gardening
Group has lost a fair amount themselves,
through healthy living and good exer-
cise out on the mountain. Kudos, ladies!
I'd join you, but I think I've strained
my everything. Bonbons at home are call-
ing my name.
Anyone else still finding ducks in places
no one should be finding ducks?
June 27, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm here to
bring you word of a mighty "sticky" situ-
ation. Get it? Sticky? Captain Owens
sure did, when he sat down on a bench his
daughter had just spilled her soggy candy
and bubble gum all over.
I'm told a little vinegar or dish soap is
good for getting that out of fabric, but
as for the adorable little girl snapping
a picture of her daddy's ass and posting
it on Facebook? That you'll have to deal
with on your own.
Now, a little birdy tells me that someone
has been being naughty down on Apple Tree
Lane. Mrs. Belwether has forcefully asked
me to request that the individual, or
individuals, who persist in leaving apple
cores in her streetside gardens use the
public trash bin further down the road.
Speaking of food that attracts pests, I'm
mighty glad I live up here in town. The
local animal control authorities are
mystified, and I am, too, by how many of
the rats they're finding lately have had
numbers dyed into their fur.
Is someone out there doing science? Are
the rats out to get us? Billy, you let
us know up here. We'll stay good and far
away.
The plans for the Independence Day celeb-
rations are well underway, on a happier
note, and businesses all down Main Street
are reporting gossip as usual. I'll be
back with more next week!
July 04, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, my gloating
is catching up to me. Anyone have a Pied
Piper we could borrow? The rat problem is
only getting worse, though as we've all
heard on the news, the little beasties do
seem to have a clean bill of health.
Whatever else they're here to do, spread-
ing a plague isn't on the agenda.
I'm told we've had a plague of fireworks
accidents, instead, but don't you worry,
folks. I was getting my third morning
coffee down at the Crossroads Cafe, and
what do I see but two sets of parents
frog-marching teenagers up toward the
deputy fire and police station for none
other than setting off all those explo-
sions you all were asking about the
night before last. Case closed! For
legal reasons, I can't disclose the
names of those involved, but I CAN say
that one of the boys was wearing white
boxers with bright red hearts on them,
and really should have pulled his pants
up higher. We didn't need to see the
cut-outs.
Deputy, you have my sympathies. If you
want the ladies of the town to go around
with hats for charitable contributions
toward the acquisition of suitable belts
and undergarments for use at the station
there, you just give us the word.
July 11, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told I
was sexist, and I apologize. The men of
the town are, of course, entirely welcome
to go around asking for money to buy new
undergarments for delinquent teens, and
so is any gender in between.
Remember Milly? Probably not, since the
little furball ran away almost a year ago
today, but believe it or not, I'm told by
her owner that the collie just showed up
at her door, filthy but bright-eyed.
Hopefully she stays there, this time, and
Nancy, if you need a number for a good
landscaper to put up a higher fence, you
know my number.
According to the ladies down at Bill's,
this week was a bumper crop for dog-
related incidents. There have been two
runaways, a broken hip due to a purple-
dyed poodle, which we really should come
back to in a debate over cruelty to eyes
at some point, and, last but not least, a
doggy play date has resulted in painted
paw-prints all over the sidewalk down on
South Main after the furry miscreants
escaped their leads, knocked over a can
of paint and sprinted out to play 'chase'
down the street.
Speaking of animals and paint, why, I was
at lunch with Lou and Bang Bang just the
other day and heard that SOMEone has been
out there painting ninjas on the sides of
buildings. The town hall got a hippo in a
tutu, Crops and Bobbers has a pair of
lovebirds flinging ninja stars, and a few
other readers have come up to report cows
and sheep, a frog, and a particularly
mean-looking pixie scattered about the
town. I went out to see them myself, and
whoever this artist is, they're wasted on
tagging buildings. The calligraphy on the
slogans alone is gorgeous. Now if only I,
or any of my sources, spoke Japanese...
July 18, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am pleased
to say that we have had an outpouring of
translators willing to step up to the
task of reading ninja graffiti.
Now, in no particular order, my lovely
readers, this is what we've got:
* The potato is watching you.
* Big is big.
* Love the star killer.
* Fear the root-veggie of war.
* Dinosaurs aren't clever.
* Kickbox the snake plane.
* Taste the rainbow.
What does any of that mean? Heck if I
know, but the police are mighty curious
about the identity of the one who did it
all.
In other news, what's this I hear about
you swearing off of coffee, Jimmy? Why,
half the business at the Crossroads Cafe
comes from you and your addiction. What's
that nice young lady going to do? I've
been informed by an anonymous source with
excellent orange cake that you'll be
trying tea to make you feel younger. Let
me know if it works. I could lose a few
decades myself.
Speaking of losing things, someone has
been leaving glitter trails all over the
mountain up on Salvation West, the ranger
crew tells me, and hanging little "fairy
houses" too, but so far the only things
living in them are spiders and bird poo.
July 25, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we should
all be thankful to a group of anonymous
hikers and their dog. It hasn't hit the
news yet, I'm proud to say, but yesterday
evening, John Wellenby was taking a drive
up Salvation East to celebrate his wife's
fifth deathday when a tree fell on his
car. Darn near crushed him, and it DID
smash the antique end table in the trunk,
but with no cell service, he was up there
for four hours. John, with your hip, I
don't blame you for waiting, but at least
we all know Mabel would still has a good
sense of humor. I'll bet you a $20 that
it's her spirit that knocked that tree on
down. She never did like that table.
With that in mind, John has also asked me
to ask you all: anyone good at carpentry
want to risk Mabel's ire and put that
table back together?
I've got another odd bit of gossip for
you, and this one's a pickle. We all know
and love, or don't, the squirrels at this
time of year, but is this some sort of
regional squirrel holiday we weren't
aware of? I've had half a dozen readers
come up and say they've been finding
squirrels crawling in all manner of
places. Buildings with interesting roofs
seem to be their favorites. It's not
even Autumn yet -- why are they in such
a hurry to hide their nuts?
Mrs. Pennythistle has a similar question
for the gentleman callers she has seen
entering, and leaving, a neighbor's home
the past few nights...
August 01, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the public
has asked me to inform you all that the
individual responsible for driving past
the homes on Miller Road at 2am blaring
extraordinarily loud and thumping music
has been soundly chastised by the Miller
grannies for waking their grandbabies.
Millers, try Avalon. She's the tea witch
Lefevre down on Main. If anyone can give
that driver a good cursing, she can.
I'm told a certain teenager was "cursing"
a few people yesterday morning, too... A
certain pair of red Converse sneakers was
found dangling from the laces on a power
line. Note: these were not the decrepit,
ancient shoes worn by our favorite Kip
Kensington of Homepage Books. These were
in good shape, until the pigeons pooped
inside them.
Little Tommy Mayer would like everyone to
know that he lost his toy RC plane flying
it over the cliff by the waterfall. His
mama's docking his allowance until he can
buy his big brother a new plane, but he'd
like all the rock climbers out there to
know that he'll pay them in weeding or in
yardwork, or household chores, with which
he has a great deal of experience, if
they'd be willing to climb down and fetch
the plane from the rock it landed on.
What do you say, climbers? Feel like a
refreshing slip and slide down moss-slimy
rocks beside a waterfall?
If you go, let me know, because I want to
be there to take pictures. That'd be one
for the record books.
August 08, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have some
good news from John Wellenby. Strange,
but good. Remember the tree that crushed
his car a couple weeks back? Remember his
request for aid in putting Mabel's table
back together? Well, somebody did, and it
is better than ever, but his mysterious
benefactor wouldn't give a name, and John
says it was the oddest thing -- all they
wanted was a rose from John's garden in
payment, fully bloomed, from his ma's old
bush out back.
Have we gone and turned into the Vermont
variant of Beauty and the Beast while I
wasn't looking?
Just in case, be careful about little old
ladies needing help...and no, Timmy, I am
oldER, but I am not old. Give me twenty
years, at least, so I can complain about
not doing sky-diving enough in my future
retirement.
Speaking of being kind, I hear tell that
the old church roof has sprung a leak. A
whopping big one, from what I'm told. The
A town historian, who will remain
nameless at his request, has asked me to
remind you all that the historical value
of our local structures is incalculable,
and that future generations would thank
us if we could scrape the lint out of our
pockets. Donations are at an all time
low.
On a happier note, Margaret, you dog!
When you said you'd lost 30 pounds while
you were down in Mississippi from having
that tape worm, I admit, I didn't believe
it. Now, lose those pants, next, and this
time, don't lose them in public.
August 15, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we get to
learn all about the joys of having ears
that work as nature intended. See, Abel
McKinney has lived beside Mupan and Ling
for forty years, and for twenty years,
Abel's wife Mary-Anne has been nagging
him, as you've no doubt heard, to get his
ears checked.
Well, he finally did.
I was getting a coffee the other day, out
on the sidewalk and chatting with friends
about nonsense, and what do I hear but an
angry Abel going on and on to the police
deputy about noise, noise, noise, day in,
day out, from the neighbors next door. He
can't handle the drumming, the loud music
and games.
Abel, I've been asked by Mary-Anne to
tell you one thing: I told you so.
Here's another little item for you: who's
the little litterbug leaving plastic
garbage all over the river? It's been a
hot, hot week, and we've had half a dozen
reports from locals and tourists alike of
laundry detergent bottles, soda bottles,
water bottles, all strung together or
with toothpicks poked into their sides,
caught in the nets under the bridges.
As always, if you hear anything about it,
you know where to bring the gossip.
August 22, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am happy
to say that the mystery of the river-side
litterbug has been solved. As it turns
out, little Andrew Altin has been getting
into his mother's recycling bins at night
and playing Armada out on the water with
his friends, whose names were redacted at
Andrew's request, because he was the
Captain and he should go down with his
ship.
Andrew, kid, I salute your dedication. I
also understand that your mother will
consider public service at the boat dock
a suitable punishment.
Speaking of punishment and the river, we
heard from the police about it all, but I
went down to check the pylon with my own
peepers and hoo boy, that bridge is going
to be closed a good long while. For those
of you who aren't local, the Millers are
the town founders, and they run a logging
operation up the north side of the river,
small time. Somehow, a log managed to get
knocked free of the Mill Pond by their
place, and floated its way downriver. It
did a number on part of Northbridge, and
what is that going to mean for us, my
readers?
Traffic.
We can only be grateful this all happened
before prime leaf peeper season, but you
all know how quickly the trees turn here.
Why, I saw some red leaves just the other
day while I was out walking with friends.
I heard tell from a nice construction
gentleman that they estimate repairs will
take at least three weeks. Hope South-
bridge can handle the tourist traffic!
August 29, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I bring you
news of the blind leading the lame. Mrs.
Hampton's old retriever, Samwise, is a
good old boy, but he's been blind since
birth. Half-deaf at this age, too, but
as she tells it, why, he took one gander
at the geese along the river bank and
charged right on in, with Mrs. Hampton,
perforce, attached. She says they're
both okay, no one was injured, but she's
going to be keeping a closer eye out for
feathered fiends, because she could swear
those geese were laughing at them both.
I don't know about you, but at his age, I
think I'd be taking any opportunities for
fun that I could get. That does bring up
the question: do dogs have bucket lists?
From what I've been able to gather, the
Millers sure do. My sources tell me that
a certain Mr. Miller was overheard saying
he'd like to have the head of whichever
miscreant damaged his mill pond in one. I
have heard of heads on a platter, but
heads in a bucket? That's new.
I'm sure you'll be hearing it on the news
tonight, too, but my one and only
question for the perpetrator is this: why
a bear coat? Staying far enough from the
cameras to keep it blurry was just smart,
but bears don't use chain-cutters.
Johnny Miller's offering a reward to any-
one who can help the family find the
perpetrator.
Speaking of perpetrators... Thank you,
anonymous survey-writer, for amusing our
tourists. In case you didn't come across
any examples before town authorities took
them down, readers, let me share with you
a small handful of the questions tourists
found themselves asked:
* Do you find Tamarack Falls A) boring
as all get-out, B) lost in the past,
C) depressingly far from the mall, or
D) full of nincompoops (good word use)
and nitwits?
* If your car is going to get stuck in a
place with no cell reception, where do
you think you'll be? A) on a road in
the middle of town, B) at the top of a
mountain surrounded by people whose
phones work just fine, or C) lost in a
farm full of maple trees, surrounded
by witches?
* Which festival is the most annoying?
A) apples, B) pumpkin, C) more apples,
or D) even more apples?
My answers, needless to say, are C, C,
and how can you not like apples?
September 05, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I would like
to thank the mysterious stranger who sent
me this darling little card. The message
inside of it is, regrettably, unprintable
even with convenient asterisks, so I will
not be able to share the details with the
public, but my little birdies tell me I'm
far from the only one to have received
one. Drunken cats on all of them, and all
of them hand drawn. Kudos, stranger. You
have some talent, and one heck of a
mouth on you.
The Game Warden, too, has quite the swear
jar-worthy vocabulary. Missy Lewis says
she heard him swearing up a blue streak
the other day after getting back to his
hut to find a crate full of rotting fish,
stinking the place up. A note was pinned
to it, too, to apologize for catching the
fish out of season.
In happier news, welcome back to school,
kids! I know it doesn't seem like it now,
but one day, you'll look back on these
years and wonder why you ever wanted to
grow up...unless you're a certain 8 year
old I spoke to this past week, who wants
the her big brother and his girlfriend
to know that they weren't nearly quiet
enough about their nocturnal adventures,
and that she found a pair of smiley-face
panties under the couch cushions.
Her prices to return them are negotiable.
For full disclosure, I have been paid two
chocolate and cinnamon bonbons to say so.
What are your plans for this school year,
kids? What do you want to see your
teachers teach? Let me know! You may end
up in the paper.
September 12, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, your votes
are in. We here at the Tamarack Times
have all taken a look-see at what the
children wrote, and here are the top ten
requests for teachers from grades 4-12:
* Ninja Class (Samson, age 10)
* How To Fly (Del, age 11)
* Superhero Lessons (Mariah, age 11)
* How To Endure Siblings (Ted, age 14)
* How To Paint It Black (Blake, age 16)
* The Effects Of Cow Farts (Amy, age 13)
* Nap Period (Melinda, age 18)
* Comparative Fishing (Jason, age 15)
* Matrix Code (Emilia, age 17)
* How To Be A God (Renbo, age 9)
Alright, teachers. You have your lesson
goals. Get crackin'!
Speaking of school, I have some hot
gossip from Patterson Middle School, this
week. It seems that nail polish has
become a source of contention among gangs
of students in different Houses. See, the
girls and boys alike decided on House
Colors after a poll last week, and this
week, I'm told there have been three
locker fights, two swirlies and a half
dozen arguments about girls AND boys who
wore the wrong colors to school.
Kids, may the color of your fingernails
remain the biggest problem in your lives.
Also, watch out. I went to high school
with your Principal, and he's a tough guy
to convince.
Following the colorful trend, I hear that
some congratulations are in order, Bobby!
Marilyn down at the bait shop says you
caught yourself a record-setting rainbow
trout. Just don't let that shark in the
lake eat it.
For that matter, I'd avoid the lake at
the moment, period. How on earth would
a shark that size GET there?
September 19, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I be talking
like a sea-dog rapscallion, yarrr. Happy
Talk Like A Pirate Day, folks! Seems like
someone was getting into the spirit a bit
early: I heard on the grapevine that a
silver chalice had been stolen from the
North Cathedral just the other day, right
out from under the noses of the priests.
Now, I don't condone theft, much less the
theft of holy items from churches, and I
have to say, anyone who'd do it had best
watch out for lightning. We'll be
watching, too, so we can find the crispy
critter.
I'm told that teachers down at Patterson
are starting to "zap" the students with
new rules about House conduct, too...
The pirate hats with feathers in House
colors WERE a clever touch, however.
Is everyone ready for the apple festival
next week? I hear that good ole' Mayor
Jack himself has been asked to be on the
judging committee for the pies. Jack,
you know you can count on me to record
each and every funny expression you make.
For posterity. What else are friends for?
Last but not least, on a slightly more
disturbing note, remember the Recyclable
Armada from a few weeks past? Well, I
was talking to Andrew and his friends a
few days ago, and they wanted me to let
you all know that they've decided to stop
using the river for their Naval battles.
He saw "someone really creepy and pale"
watching them at night, from the other
side of the river, and doesn't want his
mother to worry about him going missing
too.
September 26, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm sure we
have all seen the Sixers' flyers posted
around town. To them, I say: thank you
for keeping Crops and Bobbers in business
for another month. Thirteen grandmothers
and retirees have dyed their hair neon
pink this week, to, I quote, "show that
green-haired hussy what a real woman
should wear."
Ladies, ladies, please get your sources
straight. My hair is Tahitian Teal this
time around. Acid green was so last
season. Secondly, I do believe that we
are all real women, making choices of
our own, without being condemned for it.
Number Six was a wonderful adversary with
excellent taste in typewriters. The least
you can do is live up to his legacy.
Speaking of legacies, Tommy Attenborough
had best start worrying about his.
Cheating in an apple pie contest? Really?
Stop on by my place, Tommy, and I'll show
you how to bake a crust from scratch. You
don't even need to bribe me with bonbons.
I hear tell that Ricky Lambert, over in
the west valley by the old orchards, had
quite the shock, himself. He swears he
didn't do anything to his pumpkin patch,
but between one day and the next, his
prize-winning sugar pumpkins supposedly
grew a few hundred pounds larger. Now,
Ricky, honey. Are you sure you didn't
just have leaves over the fruit? You
know how big those are, how well they
can hide them. If not, tell me: did you
do anything to make a witch happy with
you, lately? Spare any black cats?
The real question here is how many of
your prize-winning pumpkin pies you'll
be baking out of that pumpkin's meat, and
whether or not you'll be sharing any with
the hard-working professionals down at
the Times...
October 3, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, the weather
may be gloomy, but the trees are glorious
and full. God, I love our state in Fall.
Don't forget to get your snow tires early
on, folks. We all know fiery trees mean
frosty eaves, soon enough.
We've had a quiet week, for which I am
thankful, and thank you, too, anonymous
letter-writer, for your response. I
couldn't agree more.
Everyone ready for the Halloween festival
coming up? I hear tell they're selecting
the judges for the costume competition
any day now, and Mayor Jack is on the
list. What do you think, Jack? Feeling
judgmental?
Missy Lefevre came for tea with me the
other day, and I hear there are congrat-
ulations due. Kudos, Missy, on getting
your fourth book published. I've read
them all, and I've got to say, your
imagination is really something. Realms
like that seem mighty terrifying to this
mere mortal, but gods are gods.
For those of you who aren't into specula-
tive fiction, try this on for size: three
tourists were caught this past Tuesday by
the cliff, getting ready to try going off
the edge in a home made barrel.
People, people, people, think here. That
cliff is at least two hundred feet, and
anyone who has gone down to the preserve
by the base of the 'falls will know how
many rocks there are. Please . Don't
throw your life away. Study the physics,
for Pete's sake. Even I know that, and
I managed to fail middle school science
classes twice. Word to the wise: tanking
your own grade to try getting out of a
class so you won't have to dissect frogs
is a bad plan. Doesn't work.
October 10, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have our-
selves a sticky situation, folks. Not
naming names, but SOMEbody managed to ram
a truck full of maple syrup jugs into a
tree on his way toward the market, and it
smells like the road should be getting
out the griddle to start making pancakes
even after all that rain.
Let us know if you survive, mysterious
syrup-meister. Your uncle may never let
you see the light of day again after this
one.
On lighter news, I was out and about the
other day, and what did I hear but that
we have a new romance in town, worthy of
a Hallmark movie, too, by all I've been
told. Dr. Kensington, Miss Claire, I
hope you both will be very happy together
here in Tamarack Falls. If my spleen
ever starts to fall out of my whatever,
I know whom to call!
Now there's a question: CAN one's spleen
fall out of one's whatever? Here's a
second: where IS your spleen? In the old
days, I'd have said, "Go to the library!"
to find it out, but let's make this more
fun. First person to call in with the
right answer gets their name in the paper
next week.
While we're on the subject of spleens, I
will give bonus points to anyone who can
share just what your spleen does, and why
we vent them at each other.
October 17, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I am pleased
to announce that we have forty-seven
would-be spleen sleuths, but only six of
them got the question right. Thanks, Dr.
Kensington!
Kudos go to Anne Fry, Ninatt Kolshovik,
Adam Mundy, Jake Raymond, Leigh Irving
and Casey McMasters.
To answer the bonus question, folks, your
spleen helps filter blood, and no, it is
not a ventilation system. In the olden
days, shortly before troglodytes such as
yours truly were born, we didn't know a
whole lot about what our giblets did to
keep us all alive. Look up the 'humors'
if you're curious, but long story short,
your spleen used to hold your ill humor
and melancholy, and sometimes, you just
had to let all of that bad air out.
No, Johnny, that is not the same thing as
crop-dusting the entire row behind you at
the movie theater last Saturday. This
rumour brought to you by Johnny's cousin
Gloria, who requested that I state she
feels no shame in calling him out due to
the severe olfactory trauma suffered
during the incident.
Halloween is coming up, and the town is
starting to look mighty spooky at night.
Don't forget to start prepping your snow
gear, just in case. I know of two people
I could mention, but won't, who regretted
it last year and asked me to remind them.
Consider yourselves reminded!
I hear tell there was some drama at the
festival committee meeting, too. Shame on
you, Harold, for letting that tarantula
loose around Amazons like Henrietta Klein
and Patty Small. I hope its last meal was
a good one. If it starts pouring buckets
of rain on us, we'll know whom to blame.
October 24, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are reap-
ing the fruit of last week's tarantula
slaughtering incident. Let's hope the
weather clears before the festivities
next week , or this will be one soggy
Spook-a-Thon.
If you haven't tried it yet, I heartily
suggest attempting the corn maze down
by the airport. It's a bit of a drive
for those of us up here in town, but the
carnival team has really outdone them-
selves this year with the decorations. I
hear tell you can dress up as a zombie
and scare the ever-living daylights out
of your friends, too, but I wouldn't
know anything about doing that myself.
Don't listen to Christopher Higgins. He
clearly hasn't watched enough monster
movies, since he walked around the corner
and didn't even LOOK.
Molly, you have my apologies for the
dirty laundry.
In less frightening news, I hear we have
a new crusader zooming around town. Does
wearing a cape make him a superhero? I'm
assuming it's a he, but do forgive me if
I'm wrong, noble hero, and keep up the
good work writing the wrongs of the
townsfolk. You read that correctly: this
hero is the one leaving those little
paper pyramids on doorsteps. I'm told I
had some recycling in my garbage bin this
week, for which I apologize, hero.
If anyone else would like a public forum
to air their sins, the Tamarack Times
Gossip Column would be happy to assist...
October 31, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, unsurprising
to anyone who knows humanity, we actually
have a fair number of people wanting to
air the caped hero's sin-notes.
For politeness' sake, names will be left
out. They know who they are.
* Left a grocery bag on her porch, which
blew away and got stuck in a tree. She
would like the hero to know that she
did mean to pick it up again, but for-
got to grab it after finding out that
the cat had shredded three sets of
furniture upholstery, then vomited all
over it.
* Danced naked in the back yard.
* Didn't close curtains while neighbor
was dancing naked in the back yard.
* Didn't help a little old lady cross
the street when she was struggling to
haul a bag of groceries around. I'm
just glad nobody suggested that I was
the little old lady, this time!
* Three separate people received bluejay
notes to say that they had jaywalked.
On a different note, happy Halloween,
folks! Keep it safe out there, and if
you have any extra cinnamon bon-bons you
can't find a home for, you know where to
send them.
I haven't been able to learn whether or
not this one is true, but it was too good
to resist putting into the column. There
may or may not have been a Thriller flash
mob at the gas station down in the city,
which I'm sorry I missed, if it did occur
at all... What fun event these days isn't
captured on ANY smartphones?
Karen, capturing fewer people on your own
smartphone would make your mother's China
plates much happier in future. A little
birdy tells me they're in more pieces
than Adam's attempt at building a shed
out of scrap wood.
November 07, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hope you
are all floating along the happy river of
after-Halloween chocolate sales. I know
I am.
In more serious news, Mr. Toby Baggins of
Bag-End Enterprises would like me to
inform you all that he can't help what
his parents found amusing as a company
name, but he CAN help the world use fewer
plastic bags. As for me? I could use a
lot more jokes about that name, but Toby,
I respect what your company's trying to
do.
I do not, however, respect the stinker
who left a burning paper bag of doggy poo
on Mrs. Malcolm's doorstep. Shame on you
for that. Even if she is a math teacher,
she's still better than a flaming pile of
canine plops.
Anyone ever wonder where the businesses
will stop? My inbox is full of burning
sales, hot sales, pre-pre-pre-pre-pre
Black Friday sales... We're barely one
week into November, and already, every
storefront's full of Christmas. What ever
happened to taking time to appreciate the
season?
We've got the First Snow celebration soon
if the weather folks are right, so don't
forget to ask your local rangers where
the wild holly is growing on the mountain
this year.
Speaking of celebrations, who's excited
to try their luck with the Frozen Bread
Guy contest this winter? We may not get
to it until December at this rate, with
snowfalls as low as they've been, but
who knows? We could have a deep enough
snow pack by Thanksgiving. I'm looking
forward to being beaten by schoolchildren
with a much better grasp on chemistry,
myself. Challenge accepted, Mr. Berger.
Challenge accepted.
November 14, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, am I good or
am I good? First Snow was a definite hit
this year, as far as my sources are
concerned. Good job, folks, and good job
to the holly bushes, too, for growing so
well.
Emma, I would say good job, but I'm still
not sure how you managed to lose both the
shoe and the pants on your way down that
hillside. I'll settle for being glad you
didn't crack your head open. You know all
those stories about lips as red as blood,
skin as white as snow? You really don't
want to be that princess. Promise. The
job is not worth the sunscreen.
I hear tell there was a bit of a snafu at
the Winter Palace, too... Kurt, you are
a darling boy, but when your mama says to
keep your clothes on in public, you
should do what she says. The 'no shirts,
no shoes' sign doesn't mean to take them
off. Hard to believe you're getting old
enough to read already.
Speaking of small children, is anyone
missing a cat? We've had three of them
show up here at the office, and they sure
seem like domestics. Either that, or
they are feline con artists attempting to
survive the winter, which I would not put
past them. We'll post photos on the Web
for folks to look at, but in the mean-
while, I have a new fuzzy overlord to get
catnip for.
November 21, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, do we have a
new romance in the offing? Rocco, Rocco,
has the Vamplifier finally succumbed? We
have several eye-witnesses who claim you
not only welcomed, but enjoyed being
bitten in public by the local elf queen,
and don't you think we didn't notice the
fact that you've been wearing more color
lately.
Let's hope she had a lot of mouthwash
handy. I sure wouldn't bite those ears
without it.
Crossroads Cafe has been a busy place for
love this week, or so I'm told. Three
separate proposals, even, one of which
included a seven-foot teddy bear costume
which took four people to cram in through
the door. Only in Tamarack Falls, folks.
Surprise: he said yes.
Has anyone else been hearing dogs barking
at night? I've gotten three complaints to
share around, but the rangers have been
out and about and haven't seen a thing.
Hikers, if you get eaten by ghost dogs,
please let us know so we can figure out
who wins the office bet.
Speaking of bets, I hear that Old Jack
Desrochers owes Jack Jr. and Pat a pretty
sum for the last blind date he tried to
send them on. Pat, I don't blame you in
the least for not wanting to marry some-
body who hated beer, Vermont, curly hair
and blueberries.
Seriously. Who could hate blueberries?
November 28, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it's time to
get baking! If you want to participate
in the Frozen Bread Guy competition,
don't forget to sign up at the town hall,
and bring a copy of your recipe. A ranger
will escort you out to the mountainside,
to select a spot for your bread and log
the location.
Enough of that! Let's get to the juicy
stuff. I hear tell there was some
"delicious" drama at the general store
the other day over the last can of
cranberry sauce. I know I'm not a legal
authority over sauces (is there one?),
but I feel I can safely say that it does
not belong where it ended up. Katy, you
really do have unplumbed depths. Maybe
we should keep them that way.
Speaking of plumbing, anyone else notice
the number of storms these days? Most of
them have been down over the city, but it
sure seems wetter than the early winters
I remember.
Current Thanksgiving plans for a number
of people include searching the river for
the 'sea monster' living there. People,
people, if it is called a 'sea' monster,
it lives in the sea. At least call it a
river monster. As I hear it, the beast
appears day or night, eyes in the water,
any time someone tosses garbage into the
river. I don't know whether this is some
clever prank or Mother Nature's way of
letting us know she's tired of being used
as a rubbish heap. What do YOU think?
December 05, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, thank you,
Vamplifier, for the bouquet. It takes up
a good 3/4 of my office's floor space,
and is almost as delightful as the box of
cinnamon bon-bons Chris Fry brought in to
bribe me not to talk about the thing I've
been bribed not to add to this column.
Smart cookie, that Chris.
But back to you, Rocco. If my humble
column can put a cramp in your needs, I
hesitate to suggest alternatives for
reasons of litigation and public safety.
I do appreciate the pet name. It's been
a couple of weeks since the Bite Incident
at Crossroads, however. How ARE you
doing with your latest paramour?
Inquiring readers yearn to know.
On the subject of handsome men in need of
a good bath, I hear tell the local fire-
fighters are putting on a calendar shoot
some time next week. Hubba hubba. I know
I won't mind seeing THAT parade along the
river bank.
Farther down the river, I hear tell folks
have been seeing a monkey, of all things,
down in Riverside Park. Mrs. Maidley says
it's making quite the nuisance of itself
down there, playing in the river. The
thing seems to love kids, but adults and
cats it runs from. Dogs, I'm told, it
simply stares at.
Anyone got a really big net? It worked
so well with Curious George.
December 12, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we have yet
another dust-up at the Crossroads Cafe to
chat about. Now, I've heard a few dif-
ferent versions of this one, so bear with
me.
In the first version, a homeless man was
bothering a local gadget girl, and when I
say bothering, I mean getting handsy with
her under the table.
In the second version, the guy was pretty
obviously off his Adderall, and badgered
the girl until she swapped tables just to
get away from him.
In the third version, that young man gave
the girl so much trouble, she ended up
crawling underneath a table to hide from
him and cry.
In all versions, he was firmly escorted
from the premises after the event.
Men, if a woman starts to cry in public,
heck, if ANYONE starts to cry in public,
don't keep pushing. That's how you end up
like Johnny Lu, isn't it, Johnny? Good
thing your skull's so thick, or Abby's
frying pan would have done more than dent
it. Come on by the office when you can
see straight again. We'll chat, and I'll
give you some advice.
The holiday committee doesn't need any
advice this year, on other news. Hoo boy
are they on fire! I don't think I've ever
seen us get those greenery swags up as
quickly as we did this year, and for
that I thank Abel Miller and his early
break at university. An engineering
degree is good for something!
December 19, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have the
privilege of holding an adorable little
person on my lap while writing this. Joy
would like me to say that 'googoo' isn't
searching for the fun 'ootube' videos she
thought she would be getting when she
crawled up here today. Consequence of
visiting a family friend while she's at
work, kiddo.
On the subject of family visits, I've got
a poll for you, my readers: how early is
too early for visiting relations to
arrive for the holidays? Weeks? Days?
Hours? Call, write or email the office
with your answers the usual address,
gossip@tamaracktimes.com.
Let's get to the good stuff.
I hear tell that someone(s) set off a
whopping big lot of fireworks down in the
city, somewhere in Riverside Park, close
to the hospital. Roman candles, peonies,
chrysanthemums, and some which almost
seemed like artillery explosions. Police
are still searching for the source. Gang?
West Side Story-esque fireworks gangs are
definitely going on my "want to see dance
fight" list.
Also in Fort Brunsett, whoever's nailing
fish heads to the homes around the lake,
ugh. I agree that people should stop
throwing junk into the water, but is
murdering fish really the way to prove
your point? I may or may not have gotten
a glimpse of one of the notes left on the
doors...
The soggy notes. Anyone else notice how
much it's been raining lately? I thought
the weather guys said it would snow!
On the subject of watery trouble, Charles
Chester of recent bridge-slip fame claims
to have seen heaven under the water. The
way he tells it, he was fished out of the
water by some sharp-toothed devil, and
he's convinced that heaven's full of no
more than terrifying ghosts, not angels
and harp-songs. I don't know about you,
but I'm inclined to believe your doctors,
Charles. Hallucinations seem a mite more
likely than a peek into a dystopian tooth
paradise.
Last but not least, if anyone sees a mutt
named Willoughby wandering around, little
Jimothy has lost him, and is hoping for a
Christmas miracle.
December 26, 2019
T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, our holiday
celebrations are well underway! The
trees are lit, the greenery is swaggy on
columns and doors, and wreaths are every-
where...including on the ground.
Listen to this one, folks. Little Mister
Applebooties, the three year old feline
accomplice of miss Amanda Miller, has
single-pawedly declared war upon the
Miller family swag. Every time they get
the greenery up, this cat escapes and
down the green stuff goes.
Amanda, ever thought of checking whether
Mr. Applebooties has pine allergies? I'd
look into it, for his sake.
On other news, don't forget about the New
Year Nail-Up coming up, readers. If you
get in early enough, you might even get
to see some shirtless blacksmiths slaving
away in front of fires for your pleasure.
Hubba hubba. I've got my eye on a tall
hunk of Indian subcontinent, myself, and
mi eye candy's su eye candy.
Thank you, too, to the anonymous donor of
twelve pounds of chocolate bon bons, mugs
and very excellent cinnamon coffee. I hid
them well, and I won't say where, because
the office vultures are keen of eye and
very, very good at finding ways into file
cabinets.
