Revision as of 15:28, 22 October 2018

Tamarack Times Gossip Column

Enid Schmitt, well-meaning and at times acidic busy-body of Tamarack Falls (and, at times, Fort Brunsett), holds the position of gossip columnist at the small town newspaper of The Tamarack Times.

Her posts are made every Thursday, based on +req/rumor entries given by players about the RP happenings of the past week, as well as ongoing plots and the story of the world and NPCs themselves.

They can be found on +bbread 3, the Media board.

This is an online archive of all of Enid's posts, to be more easily viewed in their entirety.

March 16 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've all
learned the value of not trusting Jimmy
Miller when he says his dog is smart.
No smart dog would run in front of a
plow going full-tilt, but the vet says
the pup's going to recover just in time
for the Spring tourist season and
chasing muddy motorcycles.

What isn't going to recover? Maddy
Nichols' flower beds, seeing as Mr.
Miller ran that plow up over the curb.
Lopped the heads right off four of the
gnomes, too.

A newcomer got in a good brawl this
past weekend in front of Cyclone, too,
and that makes the sixth since the new
bar opened. Six fights in a month.
What does this mean for you, my readers?
Jack squat. The Mayor, I have it from a
reliable source, has no intention of
telling that nice young lady off.

March 23 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, Spring has
sprung, and what it's sprung is a great
big leak. Word to the wise: don't let
your pipes freeze like a certain
somebody down on Main Street, or you get
what they got: a hefty bill and soggy
floors.

Keep those faucets dripping!

Speaking of dripping, now, I don't
usually go for the dark meat, but
there's a huge hunk of stranger around
town who's more than enough to warm my
oven. I'm minded to ask him over for a
cup of sugar, if Lou and BangBang don't
get to him first.

Seems there's been banging of a
different kind up on the mountain. Odd
noises in the mine, lights at night.
I'd keep my teenagers pent tight if I
had any. Never know what those kids
will go and get into.

March 30 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the town
had its first shooting in a long, long
while. All of you coffee addicts will
have to get your fix elsewhere, because
this columnist is told by a reliable
source that the Crossroads Cafe is going
to be closed until Friday morning. Hope
the owner's taking time to write up how
she wants that story told.

Less violent, but no less juicy, I spied
with my own little eye none other than
Mayor Jack himself leaving Bill's Bar in
one mighty big hurry. Can't be
drinking, because we all know the Mayor
would never touch lip to bottle on the
job. Isn't that right, Suzanne?

I don't know about you, but I've heard
some mighty fine things about our Miller
boys this season for the roads, as much
snow as we've been getting, and I'm
giving them a shout-out for a job well
done. Now if only they could do it
without shirts... Hubba hubba. Rest
assured, if you boys ever want to do a
calendar for charity, the Enid Schmitt
Foundation will gladly accept your kind
donation.

April 06 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've seen
what happens when you drive a motor bike
into a river. We've also seen what
happens when your mother finds out about
it, haven't we, Jimmy?

Don't stop. You provide so many column
inches.

Got some delicious hints swirling around
town this week of a new baker on the
loose, but no one's owning up to leaving
cupcakes on doorsteps just yet, or what
exactly those sprinkles on top were made
of. Watch out, Martha. You could have
some competition.

Watch out for moose!

Heard tell one of the farmers west of
town had an antlered visitor attempting
to make nice with his Morgans the other
day. She wasn't having any, and that's
a damn shame, with a rack like that.

April 13 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the town is
busy busy busy, and so is the gossip!

With Easter only days away, you'd think
people would know better than to go egg-
tossing at police cars, wouldn't you,
Mikey? Once you're done hand washing
all of the squad cars, mind coming over
to do mine?

I've seen a lovely young lady out and
about a-wandering this week, but no
handsome young lad to accompany her on
the riverbank. Watch the east, now.
Things on that side get slippery.

The mystery cupcakes continue!

Who IS our secretive pastry chef? Lou
and Bang Bang say they're offering a
free hair cut to anyone who can identify
the source of their decadent delectables
this week.

April 27 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had
an exciting go of it, but if you don't
like tall, dark, mysterious strangers,
why do we care anyway? This man rolled
in on a bus at an ungodly hour, I tell
you, I've heard it from a reputable
source myself, wearing all black, and
talked with a few foreigners for hours.
Just who is this mystery man, and how
can I convince him to come over for MY
coffee? Hubba hubba.

Certain indiscretions were overheard,
I'm told, at the Crossroads Cafe. Now
I wasn't there myself, but in my humble
opinion, people with so many secrets
really ought to be better at keeping
them. Most folks aren't so pleased
about going to court, young man. Be
careful what you say.

Be careful what you eat, too, because by
golly these cupcakes just keep coming.
Johnny, you great fibber, don't you come
up and lie about baking them again.
I've tasted your cooking, and it's
enough to make a cat laugh!

May 04 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had
a delicious little peccadillo at the new
bookstore in town. I've had reliable
reports of more than one romantic
entanglement gone wrong, and, even
better, I hear tell a lady stormed out
altogether after a certain pint-sized
bar owner asked out the shopkeeper.

Hot sales at Homepage! Thefts, too. A
few books seem to be missing, but with
the owner such a hot item, I wouldn't
presume to wonder why...

Speaking of shopkeepers, someone ought
to set up a secret sale over at
Crossroads Cafe again, because we've got
some folks who can't keep their mouths
shut in public. There are better
places to chit-chat about local queens,
and if I'm hearing about it, how many
others are?

If you haven't been down to the Evelyn
Miller Memorial Gardens yet, do it,
because showers of white petals are
about as close to snowfall as I want to
think about right now. Is Winter over?

May 11 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the rising
temps have seen a corresponding rise in
idiots thinking the signs about rapid
currents are for amateurs. Really,
Megan, you didn't have to prove your
parents right BEFORE you left for
college. They always told you not to
date him. This is why. Go have a
coffee, meet a handsome god. Have a
fling you'll never forget.

Speaking of flinging with gods, trouble
in paradise? Forget what I said last
week about a secret-share. We just need
a full-time time-share with that cutey
Hazel on the Crossroads Cafe, Thom,
because she's giving us a spot with so
much material! And men. The men!

The screaming, the throwing, the drama,
la, c'est vraiment magnifique!

Last week's book owner gave us all
another stunning example of what NOT to
do in a relationship, and hoo boy, let
me tell you, kid, skirt-hopping after
popping your cherry with a girl is not
a way to make a friend. I could use
your name, but then, you already had
it shouted across the entire cafe.
There's such a thing as pity.

Have mine.

May 18 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have to
applaud the folks trying to hook me up
with Bigfoot. Don't get me wrong. I
like...big...men as much as the next
woman, but the hair? Would YOU want
that between your teeth? Nice try,
kiddos.

Speaking of big men, I hear tell that
Brenner boy was out with a lovely Angel.
Tough to get prettier than he is, and my
reliable source confirms that they went
quite out of their way to have a very,
very expensive bite to eat. Keep the
beauties here, folks! Someone go get
rich and build a fancy restaurant called
Something Blue. Pay me a nice juicy
commission and the IP's yours!

Sadly, not everyone is hooking up this
week. Sorry, Betsy. I told you, lemon
juice down under on date night, not a
good idea. What guy wants his girl to
show up with yellow unmentionables? Not
any I know, that's for sure. Heard tell
of an oddball breakup at Crossroads
Cafe, too. Who'd WRITE their breakup
lines and hand them to a guy instead of
SAYING them? Then again, given who it
was, staying quiet's an improvement.
Sorry, kid. Stop by the paper some time
for a bad coffee.

May 25 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, there was
quite the commotion over at our favorite
sap's book store. The way I hear it,
while the girl behind the counter tried
to hush it up with louder music,
customers report a woman shouting at
someone (three guesses who), and even
something shattering. Hoo boy, this
kid's a treat! Never leave. You make
my job a breeze, Kip.

Speaking of breezes, anyone lost a hawk?
Had a few muscled young farmers (hubba
hubba) point out a jessed up bird flying
around, no falconer in sight.

Mary Adams was mighty breezy, too, the
other day. What are you trying to do,
be Vermont's soggy Monroe? Who wears
white skirts beside a waterfall, anyway?
Love the neon piglets on the
unmentionables.

Last but not least, catch it quick. I
hear they're power washing that horrible
wall lickety split to get it off.
Someone went and (spray)painted the city
red, some poem about sorrow and love
scribbled all over the side of a
building down by the corner of Rockdove
and Mack. Police are looking for the
artist to give them a talking to, and so
am I! I've got to know, how DID they
climb that wall? Do we have ourselves a
brand new Spiderman?

June 02 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had
a positive dearth (that's an SAT word,
Sally, but you wouldn't know that, on
account of skipping school to play with
Jacob Eichten) of gossip-worthy fun from
the town's favorite bookstore owner.

Kip, you disappoint us.

News from Fort Brunsett says that local
Brenner boy is dumping cash into charity
like it's going out of style. The food
bank's sure to thank him, but where's
our cut? Hungry newspaper services need
to snack! I have a particular fondness
for cinnamon bonbons, if you must know.

Those of you of a mind to go joining a
cult have got a new temple, I'm told.
Haven't visited myself, but reliable
sources say it's a hoot. Night club,
Fort Brunsett, keep your teens on
leashes, parents, because it sounds like
something right up their alley.

Last but not least, oh ho, not least by
far, we have a lovely contribution from
one M.G. at the 24/7 laundromat. I hear
there was quite the handsome stud the
other day, took his clothes right off to
wash them all buck naked. A cowboy hat
over the fun bits really does ruin some
of the joy, but mister, whoever you are,
that grandmother says you can give her a
show whenever you like! Ladies, it's
time to break your washer and head to
the Laundromat because there's more than
suds perking up around there!

June 08 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I'm told we
had a record number of Web hits for SAT
words to stump me with. Try harder.

I have a few for you, my rabid readers:
* semaphore
* duress
* substantiate

They are all, one is certain, quite
appropriate words to use when describing
the delectable moaning at a certain
bookstore owner's table this week.
Surrounded by two women, no less.
In public. Kip, Kip, groupies already.

It sounds like one of those moaners is
prepping for a street fair, soon, and
wants me to get wet along with her. Far
be it from me to deny dunk tanks for
charity.

Hear that, Lou? That's the sound of a
good dye job spiraling down the drain,
and a new cha-ching into your cashbox.

June 15 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
declared "The Patron Heroine of Church &
State" by a mystery admirer. Patron's a
little masculine, don't you think? I'll
put my vote in for Matron, next time I'm
up for titles, folks. Or Maven. That's
much better. What do YOU think?

The bonbons were delicious. Thank you!

Speaking of admirers, Tommy, you know
that little word Rebecah told you at the
farm? I hear you didn't. Also, keep a
better eye out for security cameras next
time you and the boys want to
'anonymously' egg my house, and at least
dye the shells first. White's so
ordinary, don't you think?

I hear tell the statue down on
Stagbridge got itself a golden surprise
of its own, not to mention any of the
cars driving past it. I think my tires
aspire toward pole-dancing, as much
glitter as they've got in their treads.
Gallons of gold glitter, I can see. The
gold top hat and suit? Sure hope they
don't want those back. I distinctly
recall a pigeon poop boutonnière.

June 22 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have the
inestimable joy of reporting that our
much-reported Kip is back in the paper:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIP!

Which of your girlfriends did you invite
to the party?

If you haven't checked out our local
Instagram princess, take a gander at
Franklyn Garreau. Then again, reliable
sources indicate she may be dating C.B.
Alexander... Are you a poacher, too?

I don't know about poaching, but setting
hearts on fire is one thing. Setting
hunks of fence on fire is something
altogether different, and the volunteer
firefighters are still looking for the
culprit on that one. Who needs a
bonfire in THIS weather?

No, Henrietta, despite best efforts to
the contrary, the burning smell down by
the riverbank is not your ex-boyfriend's
caboose. What sound DOES a frying pan
full of hot potatoes make against bare
skin?

June 29 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
we have a man down in the city who needs
to be disabused of his avian heredity. I
don't know what drugs he was on, but if
they can make a guy jump out of a tree
forty feet high, they've got to be some-
thing. Kids, don't do drugs. Hospital
bills are killers.

So are hunters, but it's not a hunter
bugging deer this time. Seems there was
a fight down at the The Union bar, not
unusual, Alexanders being Alexanders.
The hotties in blue didn't want it to
get out, but come, officers, how can we
resist? The deer was cheating, see. It
helped the other guy out, but in my
humble opinion, the deer's the real
victim here; it already died once. Let's
leave that buck alone.

Last but not least, this juicy tidbit
was witnessed by yours truly down at the
Crossroads Cafe just yesterday. Is our
favorite Kip being left behind? Mina, I
have to say, you look fabulous. Unlike
your choice in men.

Really, that hair?

Sid, darling, thank you for the flower.
Get a tailor. And a hairdresser. Don't
forget a barber.

July 06 2017

-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

LETTER to the EDITOR

Dear Ms. Schmitt, reputations in public. Is this what
the area's populace consider
Since no one else will condemn your "entertainment"? Are you making a
travesty of a column, it falls upon living off the suffering of others?
me to do so. Then you need to stop and consider
what you're doing, not just what
In an area the size of the Fort generates more subscribers for your
Brunsett/Tamarack Falls area, a column newspaper.
like yours can only sow strife and
discord. You're no doubt aware of the I will be watching you, Ms. Schmitt,
damage your column does, but you and I know I'm not the only one. We
continue thanks to "loyal" readership the people will not be silenced or
who likely slaver for whatever scraps intimidated by your petty, small-town
you deign to give them. small-mindedness. Remember that you
are a public figure, and public
You should be ashamed of yourself. I figures have a duty to do right by the
have personally witnessed or heard public.
tales of your column threatening
relationships, striking unnecessary Be seeing you,
terror into the hearts of the timid,
and causing people to fear for their Number Six

-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

T A M A R A C K T I M E S trouble was looming overhead.
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
Even Jack's. Don't listen to protests
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have otherwise.
the unalloyed joy of a threatening
letter to report, my rabid readers! It Second, I do have rather a lovely
slanders my reputation, which I am word affair with Kip, don't I? He is
perfectly capable of doing on my own, an exquisite example of the male
darling Six, and claims a conspiracy species. By drawing attention to the
of watchers -- just for me! pairings I do, I serve a social
purpose beyond my own pleasure,
I'm flattered. Truly. though I will be first to assure you
that writing about Kip is never dull.
Also, typewriters are fantastic, and
I would love to chat with you about Gossip brings people together.
the ink you used. I have an Olympia
myself, manual of course. There's Social rules these days aren't written
something so authentic about using in a book. We live them. By shining
equipment which will last a hundred the light of day on transgressions, I
years. show the community where it could use
a bit of elbow grease, and when I can,
Don't you agree? I make them laugh about it. We're a
small town in a great big world.
I do, however, disagree with you on
several points. Let us address them in Does the entire town need to know that
order, shall we? Esmeralda Dubois wore polka dot undies
underneath a wet white skirt on Sunday
First, size has nothing to do with afternoon at church? Probably not,
the media's ability to influence the but the shame of it will keep the girl
public. It is our duty and our from doing it again, now, won't it,
privilege to report, faithfully, the Essie?
issues of the modern era. In my case,
this being an entertainment column, Does the entire town need to know that
yes, dear, revenues do indicate a I admired the hot new teller at the
significant value in my opinions, and hardware store? Probably not, but he
I have the personal gratitude of many should be a firefighter so I can get a
who would otherwise never have known calendar and think about my misspent
youth...

July 13 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I have been
delighted by the show of support from my
loyal readers. Thank you for your
letters, ladies and gents.

As for Six... Surely you were joking.
Telling me to throw my darling
typewriter out a window is not the
commentary of a man who truly respects
his machines.

On better news, our beloved Kip has used
the kerfuffle to earn money for the
local library, for which I thank him,
and I only regret he wasn't there to
sell me my 'E' pin all by himself.
He did, however, give me my very own,
via Ms. Green, for which I thank him. I
always knew I was a Queen!

Speaking of queens, I hear tell one of
Kip's many ladies may be hitting the
stage again, and wouldn't that be a
treat? Break a leg, Mina! I forgive
your lapse in judgement.

For the rest of the Sixers out there, I
fully expect a #6 vs. E dance battle, a
la West Side Story, down Main Street.
Jack, dear, you can clear the cars away,
can't you? I know you will.

July 20 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a record number of fender benders, and I
can't say I blame them. 'Pretty Woman'
doesn't begin to cover it, and if I were
less happily married to my job, I might
be jealous at all the attention she's
been getting. Whoever she is.

Keep an eye out down by the riverbank.
Just stay off the bridges. Wouldn't want
any accidents.

In other news, it seems Cyclone is off
the hook for the latest public brawl,
folks. None other than our favorite Kip
was seen at Homepage Books duking it out
with C.B. Alexander, and opinions differ
on whether it was over who was better in
the sack or over Kip's pins for charity.

Personally, seeing as there was shouting
and carrying on from at least two women,
one of which is the lovely Mina, the
other of which is an Angel, I'm leaning
toward the gentlemen brawling over hot
dates. Or their dates' honor...

I wouldn't say no to a well-timed brawl
for MY honor, that's for sure. What do
you say, folks? Feel up to fighting
the good fight?

July 27 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
very little gossip-worthy action. Such a
shame.

That said, Kip, you should go out and
talk to Emma about cows. I hear tell a
heifer had a thing or two to say about
a certain someone daydreaming instead of
paying attention to where she was going.

Crews are still working to clean up the
tree limbs brought down by that freak
thunderstorm earlier this week, so be
patient and be careful if you're
thinking about hiking up Salvation. If
you're thinking about hiking up
Mischance, take care, and watch out for
Adam Morrison. Young, black hair,
creative. His friends said he was last
seen near the mines during a LARP. The
Miller boys intend to do a grid search
of the area this weekend if he isn't
found.

August 17 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, at last I
return from two weeks in sunny, utterly
dull and boring Florida. Not a single
thing worthy of my talents, which says a
bit in and of itself. I'm with Green,
Frank. Arcadia's a bad idea.

I hear tell life around town got all the
excitement I missed! Riot #1, exploding
ice cream tubs, and my darling colleague
Amanda Green, author of Just a Fortnight
and local DJ for WFBR, has been sharing
that British charm with anyone who asks.
Lie back and think of England, indeed.

A little birdy with much better pitch
than a certain laundromat owner tweeted
about a mighty good time down at Cat-22,
last Friday, if by good you mean a rip-
roaring riot over local-author-on-the-
lam C.B. Alexander, poetry and, oddly,
the rights of vegetables. Exploding
lights, this time, instead of ice cream
tubs, but this reporter wonders.

Last but not least, hometown hopeful
Cameron Lefevre has returned from his
failure at acquiring success and musical
obscurity. Don't worry, Cam. We're all
family here. No one will ever forget,
but we laugh because we care. Also
because it was hilarious schadenfreude,
but that's beside the point.

Welcome home. Bring an extra string to
your show in the park next week, kiddo.

August 24 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we say a
fond farewell to Reverend Walter Mellon,
long-term member of the community, and
I, for one, will miss his sermons on the
souls of fruitcakes. Remember, it's all
in the nuts.

What a surprise to hear about Mr. C.B.
'Copfire' Alexander being nuts himself.
Takes one to know one, right? Bet his
book sales are going through the roof.
Kudos, kid. Pity it wasn't just a pub-
licity stunt. Or was it?

Get this, too. At a reader's request, I
sent an inquiry to Channel 10 News. They
just sent their response: not just a
letter, but an actual FORM letter from
Sai Joshi, he of the incomparable
eyelashes, stating that while he is
aware they are abnormally long, they are
quite natural.

A form letter.

This begs the question: how many people
ask about his eyelashes? Has he ever
thought about trimming them? Cosmetic
eyelash buzzing could become a whole
new trend.

August 31 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
lot of gossip from Fort Brunsett and not
much from our own back yard. Let's get
started on a high note: passers-by near
Majesty Records the other morning saw a
certain bookstore owner and radio Queen
'Kippling' on a counter, looking awfully
cozy. Is this why his coffee mug at
Homepage clearly showed lip prints in
her shade of lipstick? What does Paige
have to say about this, and how many
pieces will he be in when she's done?

Speaking of tumultuous romances, the up
and downs with Franklyn are enough to
make me dizzy. Personally, I'd like to
know what she was doing with Mr. Copfire
when he got discharged from the hospital
the other day. What angle does she have
on the guy? Is getting a play out of
him that important?

Heard tell there was a lady going into
Cat-22 covered in blood, which doesn't
bode well for C.B. staying out of jail,
now, does it? Same person who started
the riot, I'm told, but my sources
didn't give me any names. Don't worry.
I'll keep digging. So will the police,
if what was in her bag was really as
suspicious as it seemed...

Also suspicious? Food made in a junkyard
diner. I don't know about you, but that
Last Chance place is going to need some
out of this world delicious meals or
have some pretty fancy gimmicks to get
me in there to try '90s mystery meat.

September 07 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have had
a dearth of fiery gossip. So sad. I am
disappointed in you all.

So is this guinea pig I heard of down at
our local Instagram princess' theatre
sleepover party. There are a few rumors
floating around as to his identity, but
none conclusive. The great guinea pig
remains a mystery. Superheroes used to
be a bit more impressive...

On the bright side, the slumber party
was a success, though I've heard several
reports of horrific nightmares since.
Just what was in the water?

Even better, our favorite CB is in the
news again. Seems there was a gas leak
down in Fort Brunsett at Her Majesty's
record store, with 'gnarly' (who uses
that word?) graphic gushing nosebleeds
and foul smells. Does CB just like the
sight of blood? He's been in two riots
that I'm aware of, he firebombed a
police station, and now this. Mr.
Alexander, Tamarack Falls would like to
know.

Are you a vampire?

September 14 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have, at
last, another rumor about our favorite
bookstore owner. I have it on good
authority that he was seen walking out
of a local bar with a lovely redhead on
his arm. Bill's Bar, to be precise.
If anyone's keeping track of the women
in his life, let me know, because at
this point I've lost count!

Adorkable is in, ladies. Catch him if
you can.

Speaking of being "in," local heartthrob
quarterback Simon Desrochers may or may
not have been invited to try out for a
certain very famous football team which
surely none of us will guess. You go,
boy! Won't convince Suzie you weren't
necking with Annette in the back seat on
the way out to practice, though.

I've been practicing a bit, myself. The
fine art of writing sonnets, however,
still eludes me.

Try this one on for size:

The buds of Summer bloom, and die, and
fade.
What hope has he to warm us Winter long?
He drinks the merry wine, and plays, but
staid.
His heart is caught in his own lonely
song.

The mountains sigh and shiver in the
cold,
With icy winds no mortal may resist.
Ignoring Autumn's stories, he grows
bold.
He questions, begs and threatens to
persist.

How then shall we treat a heart so
sure?
So certain, firm and faithful to his
truth?
It trembles, quakes and quivers to
immure
The friendly public's foibles as
uncouth.

It does him little good to hold aloof.
For me, I only hope we're fireproof.

--

Woo me with poetry, not with abuse, my
darling Alexander. Until we meet again.

September 21 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, someone not
currently suspected of being Mr. Alexan-
der threw a bit of biological warfare
in through my living room window. It
was a good window, too.

More importantly, you left your finger
prints all over it, kid. Already talked
to the deputy. Your parents have been
informed. Please don't do that again. I
won't mention it if you don't.

Now, my columns will be written a bit
more slowly until this arm heals, but I
do apologize for missing last week's
deadline. Cows wait for no man. Or me.
Obviously. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, ask Green. Shh. She
doesn't know she's my new 'secretary.'

Now down to business. I've heard tell
that our local tea witch Avalon has been
making a lot of trips down to the river
lately. Point in fact, I've got three
separate eye witnesses attesting that
she's wandered on home soaked to the
bone three times in the past few weeks
alone.

Lonnie, are you trying to catch your
death?

It doesn't run fast. Definitely not as
fast as the Tam. Slower than Kip, too,
once word gets out. Just what WAS he
doing in that lingerie store, anyway?
Shopkeepers said he was in the male
section for half an hour, but wouldn't
tell my sources what he bought. More's
the pity.

September 28 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, I learned
that I am getting old. A nice young man
from out of town insisted on helping me
walk across the street. Hopefully he
gets his Boy Scouts merit badge for it.
Thanks for making 40 feel like 80, kid.
I hope I meet a boy like you when I'm
really aged and decrepit.

Speaking of kids, I heard through the
grapevine that the movie 'It' has caused
some local drama at a children's birth-
day party. Sounds like a kid started
using pepper spray on the clown and
quoting some very inappropriate language
which I won't repeat in print. A local
Japanese magician's said to have stepped
in to take over, so kudos on not getting
Maced.

Violence is otherwise the theme de la
semaine. Got some very confused cows
thanks to the tippers out in the west
valley, more broken windows (thanks,
Jimmy) and some vandalism on the bridges
heading toward eastbank. Joy, Wendell,
you should know better. You should also
be more careful about setting lookouts
to warn you that someone's sitting there
having a morning coffee while you paint.

On a brighter note, I hear tell Candace
Malbury and Richard Miller were having
a grand old time while prepping for the
town's harvest fair yesterday...

I never knew you could do so much with a
single ear of corn. Never wanted to,
either. You may have scarred me for
life, but what do I know? I'm an old
lady who needs help crossing a street.

October 05 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is BACK
in the limelight, people. I have not
one, not two, but THREE separate sources
citing fascinating little tidbits about
our favourite lady-charmer.

Charming to us, perhaps.

I hear tell that he left Cyclone in a
nasty mood the other night. Lovers'
quarrel? Why pay for beer when Paige
would give it to him free?

Maybe she's just jealous of his success,
assuming he really IS the secret author
of the Haris brother books. Rumor is,
the author is a local. Kip, are you
Nathalia Daring? You're concealing your
secret passion for C.B. Alexander,
according to a number of sources, and
you do seem to have a large number of
these delightfully torrid novels in your
stock. Tell all!

Speaking of secrets, SOMEone at Homepage
Books sure has a doozy. A brown paper
package addressed to the bookshop was
accidentally left at the real estate
agency on South Main and Mill, and
hoo boy, those girls got a surprise! No
brochures, but there was definitely a
ball-gag, an eight foot long bullwhip
with a mighty interesting handle, and a
single copy of '212 Step Guide to the
Art of Masculine Domination' signed by
the author with the personalisation of:
"You can do it, buddy!". Apparently the
girls at the estate agency just didn't
know what to do. Maybe they were scared
the proprietor next door would love
their neighbour as they love themselves.

Alas, my anonymous admirer, I am neither
Nancy Drew nor Jessica Fletcher, but I
do appreciate the intimation that 40 is
still below the aged and decrepit line.
You're welcome to help me across the
street any day, handsome.

October 12 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we have a
few relationship squabbles and a few odd
events, but let's get to the juicy stuff
first.

Number One: Jason Weatherby, don't you
know by now not to go slicking your wick
in places it shouldn't go?

Number Two: Anita and Josephine aren't
your type, George. Trust me. The words
I have refrained from printing about
you on account of your papa being nice
to me in high school...

Number Three: Rebecca Mayfair, you minxy
little fox. I didn't know you had it in
you. You go girl!

Speaking of fairs, sounds like we'll all
get to play at being fair maidens (well,
some of us will get to be maidens, Sarah
darling) soon. I heard tell that const-
ruction site down by the I-89 on-ramp is
going to be a perpetual jousting tourney
and such. Costumes and riding lessons,
sword fighting, and possibly a polar
bear, though I personally suspect my
source had had a bit too much of the
aqua vitae.

Have to wonder if our local Instagram
princess Franklyn Garreau had a bit too
much to drink, herself. I've heard from
six sources, now, that she was seen down
in our favourite Alexander's Cat-22,
barely dressed, laughing and humming and
writing who knows what down. Whatever it
was, we'll never know, too, because I'm
told a fellow (fella? sources couldn't
decide) named Teagan took a bat to the
table, then shredded it all.

Franky, Franky. What are you doing?

You're supposed to date that charmer
Amanda, not give C.B. more reasons to
give our fine officers hot feet.

It does seem Green's got herself at
least one admirer, even if it isn't you.
Heard tell there was a fine Japanese
gentleman wandering around drugged to
the gills and rambling love poems.

Then again, the way this town is going,
maybe Green drugged him herself. Amanda,
do tell. Do you like your men all soft
and mumbly?

October 19 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in  Tamarack Falls,  we  don't
need our jackets  much;  it's summer all
over again.  Whichever of you's whisper
ing sweet nothings into Autumn's ears, I
hope  you  can  explain  yourself to the
forsythia.  It's not even close to being
Spring, and my poor, confused bushes are
trying their utmost to bloom.

Emily's  blooming  too,  I hear.  Kudos,
kiddo.  Congratulations on  the scholar
ship.

Kudos  to a stranger named Ziv as well,
and I'm sure Crumpet would thank her if
a  dog could talk.  I've  heard  a  few
folks chitter-chattering away about her
heroic stormdrain pup rescue services.

Now,  if only somebody could rescue our
darling Bill's  head.  The Scouts tried
to  honor  the guy by hanging up a sign
above the doorway to the bar,  but some
kid obviously hasn't done his carpentry
merit badge yet,  on account of how the
nails weren't really holding that thing
to the wall...

Don't  worry.  It's  a mild oak-induced
concussion.  He's cussing alright,  and
fit to spit nails.  Not literally. They
didn't  hit  his  mouth.  Bet he'd look
fantastic with a nose piercing to go on
through the new holes there, though.

October 26 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we get the
delightful chance  to  marvel  at  human
stupidity.  Harold  Lehrman,  did I tell
you  or did I not that you'd regret that
chainsaw  you left on your floor?  Thank
me  later for  getting  your name in the
paper.

Amanda Green, you shameless minx.  Don't
you think  I won't repeat  that  you did
your  entire show  in dishabille. Beyond
it, even.  Stealing hearts with a pretty
voice and a lovely...smile.

We've  got  ourselves  a  vorpal playing
card, too, and this author wonders about
the timing of the King of Hearts,  given
poor Kip's freshly single status.  I got
it  from  Crossroads Cafe,  my  very own
self, from his very own lips.

Surely  we can't  blame him,  then,  for
being seen the other  night leaving with
not one, but two unknown ladies,  all of
them drunk  as a skunk.  He  says he was
going back to a hotel with them, but for
what, I wonder?

This isn't  the first time I've heard of
Kip going off with someone, either. Why,
just in the last few weeks,  I hear tell
he  and C.B. Alexander drove  off  alone
to do  'something' together.  C.B.  went
off  with  our  local Instagram Princess
Franklyn Garreau, too.

Busy, busy, Mr. Alexander.

Point in fact,  I hear tell you picked a
fight  down in Riverside and went out to
the east  bank dressed like some kind of
tie-dyed female royalty. Is the pressure
too much?  When's  your next book due to
be   published?  If  you need some  help
with relaxation techniques, talk to Anne
Harlin.  The Reverend says SHE can sleep
just about anywhere...

November 2 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, Rebecca has
asked me to clarify that she is a  minxy
BIG fox, in search of a BIG man,  if you
know what she means.

Don't I wish I did.

Saw  a  couple of  hikers the  other day
heading up  Mischance with,  I  kid  you
not,  ten dogs.  Ten.  I  counted  three
times.  What were they planning  to  do?
Wait until  it snowed and run a Tamarack
Iditarod?

I don't  know  about you,  but  I have a
hard enough  time  keeping a house plant
alive,  much less (almost) a dozen dogs.
Kudos, strangers. Emphasis on strange.

Speaking of strange,  have you seen that
glittery  purple  balloon lately?  Watch
out,  mystery pilot.  The winds over the
waterfall  can  be  tricky.  My youthful
admirers may  not believe it of me,  but
I  was  once   a  ballooning  champ  for
three  years running,  until I took this
arrow in the knee.

On a more heartwarming note (or not,  if
you're a Scrooge  like George),  a group
of newcomers  went out and visited folks
at Riverside Hospital this past  Tuesday
for Halloween.

No police were called,  so  it's safe to
say  that  whatever else they did,  they
didn't scare children to death.

Seriously, that was a really  good deed,
folks.  Keep it up.

You too, big mystery man.

November 9 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
fair number of nippy days, haven't we? I
would be  minded  to cuddle up beside my
fire with a good book  and not come  out
until Spring thaw, but how could I poss-
ibly miss  gems  like Eddie Mayer trying
out his rollerskates down Main Street?

Note,  I did say trying, not succeeding.
On the bright  side, at least he  didn't
bleed all over EVERY pole in town...

Speaking of bleeding, have you seen that
new  body mod  shop down in the city?  I
hear  tell none other than  Winny Wilson
opened the place up, complete with  pig.
I hadn't  heard of him,  scars not being
my specialty, but a Johnny Drexel  seems
to be sporting his own artwork something
fierce.

Don't  know about you,  but I'm going to
avoid bleeding for art.

Bleeding for gossip, now, that I will do
with  pleasure.  I got  a dreadful paper
cut when  I  heard that the Treasurer of
Fort  Brunsett,  Molly  Crowley-Utridge,
was decidedly unwidowly at a dinner with
a very nicely dressed Native fellow.  My
sources say the man was one Malaki Gray-
wolf.  Is Molly looking to add  a second
hyphenation to her mouthful of a name?

I  don't  even  want to think  about the
mouthfuls Ms. Mina Grey has been having.
Ballerina  food is rabbit  food,  and  I
heard from a little birdy that our dance
teacher, or someone who looks a lot like
her, was seen  in social media marketing
for the Slutcracker in Somerville, MA.

Mina, Mina, Mina. We all know dating Mr.
Alexander  is  enough  to  drive  you to
drink, but come on, girl.  Do you really
want to give him more reasons to set the
world on fire?

November 16 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
request from one  Haruki for a shout-out
about his brother Itsuki's birthday. How
can  I refuse,  when  it comes with such
charming  good wishes  about  my lack of
disappearance?

Don't worry, kid.  I went on a Tuesday.

In other news, I have learned that First
Snow  holly  sprigs  make  exceptionally
poor seat  cushions.  If you  have never
had spiny leaves  jabbing into your bony
patoot,  I   highly  recommend that  you
avoid the experience.

Yes, I went and picked another sprig...

Eddie  Mayer has asked  me to correct my
previous  column.  My apologies,  Eddie.
You  were  landing  on  your tush at the
corner  of  Main Street  and  Mill,  not
just  Main  Street.  Thank  you  for the
tip!

Have  you  seen the  prep for the parade
this weekend?  Got the  streamers up and
turkeys  everywhere.  Gotta  wonder what
aliens would  think of it,  if  they saw
it.  Are  we cultists  celebrating   our
(delicious) gobbly god?

What's YOUR favorite Thanksgiving food?

Mine's  got  to be the  mashed potatoes.
Get some  cream in while you mash,  some
butter, salt... Mmmmm.  Add in  a splash
of gravy, and you're golden.

So  are  the  wallets  of the  emergency
services after fixing your  food-induced
heart  attack,  but  possible  death  is
nothing when compared with a good mash.

November 23 2017

No column! Thanksgiving.

November 30 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, we've had a
good vacation  from reality,  thanks  to
Thanksgiving (sorry,  folks, calories do
still  count on holidays; my scale won't
lie), but  family  time makes  for GREAT
gossip.

Let's get started!

Jack,  Jack,  you know you don't do well
with  wine.  The maudlin song prize goes
to you, for certain sure.  Next time,  I
want  a recorder  with  me.  That  stuff
would sell!

The exploding turkey prize has got to go
to Betsy Mayer.  Bets, this is the third
year in a row.  How do you even DO that?

Jacob Hennessey gets the 'Belongs in One
of the Final Destination Movies'  prize,
because  I  didn't  even know  something
like this could happen without cinematic
magic  to  help it  along.  From  what I
heard, it went something  like  this:  a
kid  tripped  over a chicken, which flew
into his  mama's  patoot, which made her
jerk her arm  up from  the  meat she was
butchering, and because her hand was wet
the  knife slipped  up and cut  the cord
holding the oil lamp the kid's older sis
had hung up there for extra light, which
fell and broke  and spilled burning  oil
every which way, which  set mama's pants
on  fire, which sent mama running out to
start stripping in the barnyard with the
chickens,  which prompted Jacob's sudden
coronary and  subsequent helicopter ride
to Riverside Hospital.

Now THAT is an evening.

Don't worry, Jake's fine.  Suzette's all
right too,  and  the chicken made a good
supper.

In less flammable news, I hear tell that
Aspire place  down in  Fort Brunsett may
be getting a new owner. Reliable sources
inform  me that  Johnny Drexel  has been
seen  puttering around the lobby through
the windows.  Does he need that much new
space to cut holes in people?

Time will tell.  Also  lawyers.  Lawyers
are really  good  to  have  when slicing
people up.  I, for one, plan to stay far
away.

December 7 2017

No column!

December 14 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  get  a
great  big thank  you to whichever witch
up and decided to curse me last week.

Mr. Alexander,  I may  be hiring  you to
set a fire.

If any of you have never felt the lovely
after-effects  of a  concussion,  I most
heartily commend you for your choices in
life  and wish  I could go  back to join
your club.

Let's see, now.  Last week, I got a note
from a certain Japanese magician that it
was C.B. Alexander's birthday,  who asks
that  I send  him a birthday message to,
I quote, cheer him up.

Haruki, kid, you're sweet.  If  he wants
free advertising for his book, he should
scream at me some more and post a letter
to the editor.  That's always fun.

How's  your  holiday  planning going?  I
hear tell Mayor Jack has had a few unex-
pected visitors lately.  Lost relations?
Do tell, Mayor!

Nancy Thackeray sure lost something this
weekend,  and she  won't be  getting  it
back for at least another eighteen years
by my reckoning.  Congratulations, mama.
Hope you don't mind sleep loss.  It just
gets worse the more you have, I'm told.

This,  my readers, is why I am, and plan
to remain, single.  Menopause can't come
soon enough.

Speaking  of marriage and children,  our
very own Amanda Green has had a few tid-
bits floating  around  about a big to-do
wedding  of her  own.  Who's  the  lucky
partner?

December 21 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, the smith's
a busy busy bee out there.  The New Year
Nail-Up is in good swing, and clang, and
clank...

I heard  tell  he got a record number of
assistants this year.  I wonder why.

I  also  wonder why his latest assistant
and Kip don't team up to woo the ladies,
because hoo  boy,  Mr. Robin Collier has
an  accent fit to make a  fiddle  dance.
Don't  even  get me started on his eyes.
That shade of blue should be illegal.

Of course, he smokes,  and he looks like
he probably hasn't seen the sun since he
was  twelve,  but  those  are manageable
faults.

What  do you say,  Mr. Collier?  Are you
up  for  being   managed?   The  ladies'
knitting circle would like to know!

We'd  like  to  know  about  ghost cars,
too, seeing as it  seems  we've  got  at
least one of those buggers around. A few
folks have  asked about  a crash down by
Snake Creek,  but when  yours truly went
down to investigate,  there was no trace
of it.

Maybe Father Christmas  had a sleigh boo
boo  on  one of his practice runs.  Keep
eyes out, kids.  Hoofprints on your head
aren't  the  sort  of gift you want this
weekend.

Really,  you  don't.  Take  it  from   a
little old lady  who got stomped on by a
cow.

December 28 2017

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we had our-
selves  a break-in  at  a  local grocery
store, folks.  Right here in town,  too.
What do  people  think this is?  More to
the point,  what on  earth were they out
to steal?

Do they think we have any money?

I hear tell the authorities found  a guy
trapped  under a  row of fallen shelves,
with two others trying to get him free.

Speaking  of free,  if  you've  got  any
books for children,  stop on in at Kip's
love nest,  Homepage.  He's collecting a
donation for the schools in the area, as
I well know. I gave him a lovely copy of
See Spot Run.

Run, Kip.  Just run.  You don't want to
be surrounded  by the hordes of adoring
fangirls who will try to  get into your
life once they find out you're dating a
professional Slutcracker.

That's right.  You heard me.  Mina, who
could be  anything in the world,  chose
to dance in the Slutcracker, and hooey,
she looks darned good in black.  You're
one fine dominatrix, girl. Look online,
folks, and you'll see plenty of pics of
her as 'The Russian'...and of Mina with
Kip, arms full of flowers...

Where are the pics of their tattoos,  I
wonder?  Sources  say they were spotted
outside of  a  tattoo parlor in Boston.
Together.

Tell me.  Do  we have more matrimony in
our  future,  or  is  this a  desperate
attempt  to  drum  up  business  for  a
failing bookstore?  Kip, darling, rabid
readers want to know. How DO you do it?

With leather, it seems.  Why, Trudy was
walking  into  Homepage just  the other
day  when  she overheard this hunk of a
prince  talking  to  some girl with too
much  hair  dye  about  not  being  her
lovely toy...

First  the  lingerie  parlor,  then the
ball    gag   and   the   multi-purpose
bullwhip,  and  now a girlfriend in the
Slutcracker with BDSM on your counter?

Kip, Kip, Kip.

Welcome  home,  kid.  Never leave.  You
make my job too easy.

January 4 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, Kip is mak-
ing up for lost time, isn't he?  I heard
a little  birdy say  that one of the two
female employees  at Homepage marched on
into  the  store  to  start  her  shift,
hustled all the post-lunch shoppers out,
and  flipped the sign  to 'Closed' for a
'private' 'conversation' with Kip.

Now,  lest your thoughts travel down the
same paths mine did,  let  me assure you
that it does,  indeed,  get  better than
that.

Cerise,  for it was she who accosted our
darling Kip, is said to have spent quite
a  while having a  rather 'intense' dis-
cussion with  the store  owner.  Is it a
coincidence  that  witnesses  say he was
spotted  putting his shirt back on after
the Incident?

Now, Sally-Mae says he even tried to hug
her afterward.

Mina,  dear,  we all thought you and Kip
were  so  happy.  Is  there  trouble  in
Slutcracker paradise?

Did he use the whip in the wrong place?

At least the skiers are happy. We've got
a good  48" of  powder on  those slopes,
and  more snow to come.  Careful not  to
introduce  your  noggin to  cow  fences,
folks.  Wind's  been  blowing hard,  and
they're as  white  as  anything.  Cross-
country's not as safe as it could be...

Last  but  not  least,  we've  got  some
mysterious geese on  the  loose.  Anyone
lose a goose?

Or seven?

I'm told the flock has been chasing kids
off of  sidewalks  into  snowbanks,  and
stealing  mittens,  though  what  use  a
goose  has  for  a mitten  is beyond me.

January 11 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we had yet
another day of  Homepage Books showing a
great big CLOSED sign to the world.

Kip, darling,  I know the attention is a
lot.  We  only want to  love you.  Or we
want to delight ourselves with a honking
big dose of schadenfreude and be glad we
aren't the ones with multiple girlfriend
collisions in the hallway.

How DO you manage those, anyway? Doesn't
seem to be working out for you too well.

Speaking  of not working out well,  what
else doesn't work?  Ice skating on snow.
Katie,  let us  know  when  that  broken
ankle  heals.  I'll get  the  editor  to
take you  out for  an ice cream and tell
you all about his own.

The slopes  of Mount Salvation have been
pretty  busy lately,  and  not for their
value as a place to play on snow.  Folks
say, and I can attest myself, that there
have  been  odd prints and circles,  and
sometimes lights at night, dancing.

Have  we got  ourselves  a new  coven of
witches,  or is snow circling the latest
version  of  crop  circling?  Maybe  the
aliens have gone  native  Vermonter.  If
so,  I've  got some Cabot cheese and Ben
& Jerry's with their names on it.

Assuming, that is, that they have names.

Gossip columnist starts interstellar war
by making erroneous assumptions. See the
full report at seven!

January 18 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I hear tell
that Daniel Dross  lost his marbles over
at The Seventh House. Word is,  he asked
some  poor crippled young woman over for
breakfast,   gentlemanly-like,  only  to
take a drawing she did, storm around the
cafe,  shred  the  thing and throw it in
the fire.

Now,  shame on him,  but  what I want to
know is this: what was on  that drawing?
Linda, if it was anything like yours,  I
retract  that  statement.  No one should
have to see that.

Sources say  he dragged her right out of
the  shop,  didn't  even  let her finish
her tea, or her bread and honey. Tsk.

You   know,   she   bore   a    striking
resemblance  to   a  certain  family  of
Millers 'round about these parts...

Continuing  this  week's theme of ladies
with bad luck, my sources tell me one of
the  restaurants  down  in  the Singers'
Circle  is  being investigated,  just in
case, for food and safety concerns after
a blind date  gone wrong.  Witnesses say
the guy was looking bored, when the girl
suddenly went insane, claiming she could
see bugs in her food, all over her skin,
and skedaddled.

Kids,  this  is  why  you don't do drugs
before you date.

Third in our trifecta of female disaster
flicks,  I  hear  our instagram princess
Franky Garreau may be on  the  outs with
Kip's   latest  love  interest.  Cerise,
Cerise,  are  you moving  in on Franky's
man?  Really,  C. B. Alexander shouldn't
be  your kind of 'hot' -- not unless you
like napalm.

Men,  watch  out.  Next week it could be
you.

January 25 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
bologna on the loose.

Yes, you read that correctly: a bologna.
Three folks have come up to me to ask if
I've heard about it, and one of them was
pretty certain the stink was coming from
the town hall...

But enough about that.

Let's hear some juicy news.  Amanda Bale
and Erzsebet Angle have been steaming up
the dance floor down at the high school,
and hoo boy, those girls can tango.  Who
says you need a man,  right ladies? Come
chat  some time.  I know  some folks who
run the local competitions.

Also,  in  spite  of  injuries  to   the
contrary, I  spied with  my little black
eye  a  certain Mayor hobbling around on
the   mill  pond.  What's  the  problem,
Jack? Even I can skate better than that.
You getting too old for fun?

On that note, I dare anyone and everyone
to  send  in  pictures  of the stupidest
things they can think of doing while ice
skating.  I'll Shanghai the  editor into
giving me more space  so I can  post the
best of them next week!

February 1 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
vigilante in our midst. I can't honestly
say I wouldn't feel excited if I got  my
own superhero nickname, so kudos to you,
Blackout, whoever you are.

Just  don't  go  all One Punch Man on my
nephew Jadis.  He likes to  dress like a
punk, but he's got the soul of a cherry-
pink marshmallow.

Yes, dear.  I love you too.  Suffer.

Speaking of suffering, I heard tell that
our  very own  Kip was spotted on one of
the bridges down in Fort Brunsett, stark
naked and covered in stripper glitter.

Kip, I can't say I blame you.  If I ever
caught a  case  of glitteritis as bad as
that one, I'd be tempted  to  jump off a
bridge's railing, too.

The Tam seems to be getting more popular
lately,  or  maybe folks  are  just stir
crazy after all that snow.  Or crazy, in
general.  Franklyn, I've  gotta say, I'm
disappointed.  You're  a good girl,  but
if you keep this up, you're going to end
up in the loony bin or six feet under.

Walking around the city  in  your PJs is
one thing.  Even Adam Wilkinson has done
that one, hasn't he, Adam?

Whatever  guy you're crying about,  come
sniffle on  the  West  bank,  girl.  You
should know better.  Also, get a jacket!

Last but not least, it sounds like we've
got ourselves a new brawler in town. Old
Janni Kristoffsen  said  some girl named
Merle got  into one rip-roaring fight at
the bar over  a pack  of cigarettes  she
may or may  not  have  acquired with his
permission.

What I wonder is this: if we put Mystery
Merle in a pit with C.B. Alexander, who
would be the last one standing?

February 8 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we've got a
whole  lot of pink,  and enough roses to
sink a boat.  Or a float.

Kids, go gentle on the Valentine's float
in the parade this year.  While I can't,
as a reasonable adult,  condone sticking
fireworks under its chassis, the symbol-
ism  of love going up in flames and then
setting  the church on fire was a little
too close to the  mark for a  few ladies
last year,  which did drive up subscrip-
tions to the paper and my column...

Maybe stick to uncomfortable red oozing.
No?  Okay, how about  wearing sheets and
putting on a Christmas Story parody with
the ghost of loves past?  I know Harriet
isn't  used  to  sneaking around under a
sheet in  daylight,  but   I'm  sure she
could make an  exception to  teach you a
few tricks.

In other news, Fort Brunsett has had yet
another series of violent crimes.  Can't
say as I blame them.  I get violent when
my car door freezes shut after an entire
day of freezing rain, myself.

I do not,  however, then explode my car.

Yours  truly  hasn't gotten  all of  the
details on this one,  but my sources did
say the driver was a criminal, and  that
he  was  yelling  about   hung  men  and
midgets and  rods that  could  shoot six
blocks.  Somehow,  as  excellent as that
image is, I  don't think  that  is quite
what happened.

Last  but  not  least,  the  Last Chance
diner down in  the  junkyard had its own
dust-up.  I'm  told  a  gang  of  feisty
ne'er-do-wells got  a face full of bacon
after  interrupting Johnny Drexel at his
breakfast with a pretty girl.  Gentleman
that he was,  I'm  told he  even  played
white knight to her when the rest of the
gang tried  to beat  them  up  when they
left  the  diner, aided by the Samaritan
Scooby Gang.

Thugs and assorted criminals,  if you're
going to pick on a guy,  pick on Drexel.
I want to see  how many times I can tell
the   same   story  before   my   editor
strangles me for it.

February 15 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  the parade
went off without a  hitch.  Or,  rather,
without a torch.  There was a lot of red
and pink confetti, and Mrs. Herringworth
may or may not have lost her dentures on
a lollipop, but the vampire fangs may or
may not have made it all worth it.

Seriously.  Fangs.

Linda, you win at life.  Then again, you
have had  about  twice as many  years to
get better at it...

I hear tell a certain pair of  teenagers
was  trying to get better at something I
can't  put in print,  too.  Kids,  maybe
next time you should turn the car lights
off before you  start  making it  bounce
around.

You know what else was bouncing?

Men.  Three of them,  and  they were the
only ones to volunteer down at The Plank
on  Amateur  Night.  That big boxer King
was down there,  too, though I'm told he
wouldn't dance.  Scoping  out the compe-
tition, perhaps?  His  new establishment
does  seem to lack a certain grit.  That
could  just be memories of my shoes get-
ting stuck to the  floor  by old glitter
and grog, however...

My  sources  also claim our favorite cop
crisper  C.B. Alexander  was there  with
none other than Franklyn Garreau,  and a
cutey  no one  could  quite get the name
of, too.  On  Valentine's  Day?  I smell
a  threesome  in  the air!  Tell us, Mr.
Alexander,  how  do  your  cockles grow?
Pretty maids all in a row?

February 22 2018

Enid was kidnapped!!

March 1 2018

Enid is still missing!! Oh wait, she got away!

March 8 2018

Enid is home! Yay! She is recovering, though, and couldn't collect enough gossip before her deadline.

March 15 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  have  a
lot of gossip to catch up on! Here we go
now...

In older news,  I  owe Emmett Anderson a
great  big thank you for egging my house
and  getting punished for it.  Thanks to
his mom, too, for punishing him!

Anyone else  feel like weeding my flower
garden?  I can sit inside and pretend to
get  kidnapped again.  Maybe a  tropical
island  this  time;  that  would  be  an
improvement.

I'm  told  I  missed the bombing of that
poor old  bowling  alley  down  in  Fort
Brunsett, too.  Can't say as I blame the
bombers, though.  That place sold food I
never once didn't regret eating.  Quick,
set up  a  petition -- better  food  for
better bowlers!

As  much  as  we  would all love to hear
that  THE Mr. Alexander was responsible,
I'm afraid police have already confirmed
he wasn't on the premises.  I did hear a
juicy  tidbit  about  a drunken visit to
the hospital room of one Cerise Hodgson,
however,  with   a  delectably  pathetic
bouquet and  a ward-load of yelling.  Do
we have a new romance on the offing? One
that  involves  hospital  security right
from the start can't possibly go wrong.

Speaking of bouquets...

Our  favorite  Kip  has been seen buying
more than one handful of flowers lately,
and rumor has it, none of them have been
for Mina Grey!

Has  the  slutcracker ballerina lost her
leghold on his heart?

Is  it  true that they have ALL been for
one of his  employees?  Kip,  do  let us
know, there's  a  dear.  Mandy needs the
laugh. A little birdy tells me she tried
climbing  in HER employee's back window,
fell, and had  to  be  rescued from  the
town's worst window-wedgie in decades...

March 22 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
     T A M A R A C K   T I M E S
    GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls, little John
Horner learned  the hard way that,  when
mama says to stop, you stop.

Don't worry. The ice broke his fall. And
his elbow.  Condolences  and  Gibb slaps
may be directed to Mulberry Lane.

Speaking of self-injury, I just happened
to  overhear a  few  police officers the
other  day  talking about  Electric City
blowing up with  some freak power surge.
My source wasn't as open as I would have
liked, so it could have been a Jane, Jan
or  maybe even  James.  As  your  gossip
specialist,  I fail  you  today.  If you
know  who  got themselves maimed, share!
Inquiring minds want schadenfreude!

Now, Mayor Jack hasn't been in the paper
enough  lately,  in my opinion, so let's
share a wee tidbit of Spring  silliness,
shall we?  We  all know  he's a handsome
devil,  and we all know he's an all  too
sober one; trust me, the number of times
I've tried to get that man to drink...

Just the other day,  Mandy Morrison says
she saw the  Mayor out behind her house,
wearing red boxers with white hearts all
over,  chasing down what she swore was a
little kid  all  dressed up like an elf.
Pretty thorough  mask,  too.  They  went
around the  corner  pretty  quick, but I
now  have it on excellent authority that
our Mayor has one spectacular ass.

Kip,  however,  has been concealing his.

Don't  you  know that no matter how many
girls you  run  through,  trying to beat
the  town's speed-dumping  records,  you
will always have  our  love?  I know for
a  fact  that  Sally Quinn has a mind to
share her muffins  with you any time you
like.  Of course,  her  boyfriend seemed
to disagree with the idea...

March 29 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  the town's
favorite Kip Kensington  is  back in the
spotlight,  and  hoo boy,  it's a doozy.
Miss Ethel says there she was,  buying a
nice book for  her little nephew over at
Homepage  Books,  when  out  of nowhere,
there  he was,  asking a female employee
if he was hot.

Just wait.  It gets better.

THEN,  he said something about getting a
raincoat to  go  meet  another  girl.  A
girl who was not Mina, it must be noted.
Who IS this mystery woman on the phone?

Even  better,  reliable  sources tell me
that Kip  was  overheard having  a  chat
with Copfire Alexander himself. Not just
a chat,  no,  but  some  rather  pointed
questions about C.B.'s interest in  Mina
Grey.  Will this love triangle ever end?

Kip, our rabid readers are dying to know
the  truth.  When  you  talked with C.B.
about rings, was that for you or for one
of your  harem?  I'm  told Cerise's name
came  up,  which could explain  why  you
were asking her if you were hot...

On the subject of lovely ladies,  I have
it on good  authority  that local story-
teller  and hair-dye enthusiast November
was seen  down  at  Aspire by the hockey
rink with a rather talented young woman.
Talented in more than one way, it seems.
You go, girl.  Turning  a  time-out  box
into a kissing booth  has the Enid stamp
of approval!

What doesn't have my approval?

Letting dogs take a  dump on public land
and  not cleaning it up.  If anyone sees
the owner of  a  dog with a particularly
large rectum down by the Miller gardens,
do  let  me  know,  so  I can thank them
for their  contribution  to  the  public
health and safety codes.

April 5, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I'm told I
started rumors all on my lonesome, which
is an entertainment, I assure you.  Yes,
I did indeed  have  clumps  of extremely
handsome young  gentlemen  coming  by my
office to give me gifts.  Ladies, too.

Thank you,  one and all,  for  your kind
words and wishes.  Mr. Alexander,  thank
you,  too,  for the  effort you put into
telling the world I'm an abomination.

I respect your opinions.  Mine differ.

Speaking  of  different,  if you haven't
gone  by the farm  by the Fry fields,  I
recommend  a trip out west of town.  The
Rackhams  chalked each and every  one of
their sheep  in  Easter egg  stripes and
spots.  I have been  assured that all of
the chalk sprays  used are biodegradable
and not harmful to the animals.

Belated Easter themes are the way to go,
it seems.  I hear tell the mighty magic-
ians  Haruki and Itsuki  ran  an  Easter
event for kids with themed magic tricks,
an  egg  hunt and  real  rabbits.  As  a
gardener,  I've  gotta  say,  petting  a
bunny isn't my current desire...

I know someone  who does desire petting,
however.  Tommy,  next  time  you  steal
your papa's liquor, leave the cell phone
at  home.  Drunk  texting  me,  of   all
people, is just asking for trouble.  You
also owe me $5 for the bet you made that
I wouldn't print it.

April 12, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, a long-term
reader  is  determined  to flood me with
rabbits.

Haruki, kid, you're a magician. Use your
magic to  keep the  gosh  darned bunnies
out of my tulips, and I won't need to be
upset  with  them.  They  have  a clover
patch and plenty  of  greens  out in the
woods.

The deer have returned,  too, as Delilah
learned the other  night on Main Street.
Del, you let us know  if the kids need a
ride anywhere.  Let me  know when you're
finally going to up that prescription on
your glasses, too, because your radiator
has the  holes to prove that buck wasn't
a bush...

Speaking of friends in need, I hear tell
our  favorite  Kip managed  to find some
booze  down  in  Fort Brunsett this past
week. Who knew Cat-22 had a bar upstairs
and, more to  the  point,  who knew  Kip
actually drank in public?

Maybe he shouldn't have.

I'm  told  his  'not-nerdy girl' without
glasses and  his lovely Mina had to drag
him, mumbling, down the stairs.

I'm  also  told  he  was  talking  to an
imaginary friend named  Andrew  over  at
Homepage.  Everything  okay   with  you,
Kip?  We adore you,  and I can guarantee
Missy Miller  would  share  some  of her
famous peach pie if you were poorly. She
told me just the other day how much she
loves  reading  about  you in the paper,
didn't she, Missy?

The  fanfic  shipping of you and C.B. is
still  the best.  Bernadette Peters  has
sent in  three comics  of  you two,  and
I'm  told I am supposed to tell her mama
that she expects  to  be called B.P. now
in C.B.'s image,  and plans  on  setting
fire to any broccoli which finds its way
onto her plate at night.

B.P., you are an inspiration to us all.

April 19, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I remain a
victim of rabbit flooding.  Kid,  I live
surrounded by fields, and trees. If they
aren't getting enough grass,  that's not
my fault.

What IS my fault is the delectable snack
tray at the  newspaper headquarters this
week.  I shamelessly  self-advertise  my
cooking, and invite everyone to  mail in
any  and  all advice to  make it better.
Mayor Jack, I already have yours.  No, I
will not stop baking.

While I won't stop baking, you all won't
stop  loving,  for  which  I'm thankful.
Please, keep loving each other, and keep
having disasters like that incident down
at the mall last week.  Bandies,  if you
read this, correct me.  A  group  called
'Red Lost Dead Lost' was  performing  in
the food court,  and ended up  finishing
with a Springer-worthy love triangle,  a
failed proposal and  an outing,  all  at
once.  Come  to think  of it,  our local
magician was there, too...

Haruki,  are you getting into the match-
making business?

Speaking of matches, I haven't heard any
news about our darling Kip,  ladies,  so
don't you worry.  If he  falls  over and
dies, I'm sure  we'll all hear about it.
The cops are asking folks to stop lining
up  outside  Homepage, however, and I am
going  to  say  this only once: I am not
giving anyone either Kip's  or  Mr. C.B.
Alexander's  personal  addresses,  phone
numbers or any other information. Please
stop asking!

Let's start thinking about frozen bread,
instead.  Who do  you think the winner's
going  to be?  Give me your ideas!  What
themes do you think the  Spring Fling is
going to end up  stuck  with?  Can't  be
worse  than  that  Spongebob Squarepants
debacle three years back...

April 30, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  a  certain
newspaper owner  has learned a  valuable
lesson: don't tick off the high schooler
who   was  hired  to  bring  half-decent
coffee.

The  high schooler has learned, in turn,
that  watching  where she  stomps may be
a  good  idea when carrying an armful of
paper cups full of steaming hot java.

The  electrician  who  was  updating our
circuit  breaker has,  in turn,  learned
just how long  it takes to clean out the
electrical   conduits  and  fix  shorted
wires...

Long  story  short,  sorry  for the late
publication, folks.

Also,  sorry,  Hank.  How was I supposed
to  know  the dye  on  the bandage would
bleed?  Better  you than  me,  though. I
don't look great in pink hearts.

Following  up  on  our  apparent  rabbit
theme, lately,  I'm told Haruki was seen
running  about down  in  Fort Brunsett's
riverside park on spring stilts, dressed
up  as a rabbit and making origami,  you
guessed it, more rabbits, for children.

Kid, try a cat or something.  Be a super
hero.  No way is DC Comics going to make
a movie for Rabbitman.

Speaking of heroes,  I hear Jack Fry has
made  a name for  himself  as  an  otter
whisperer.  I've been sent at least four
YouTube  links  to videos and commentary
on the incident, and on his heckler.

Your  park  rangers  in  action,  folks.
Kudos, Jack.

P.S. The otter's cuter.

May 3, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  have a
bit of  fun about  local  contractor and
amateur fisher Leon Huskey. See, he went
on  down  to  the fishing spot by South-
bridge,  and as  I hear  it,  HE says he
tripped over some sort of pothole in the
dirt.  Caught  himself a  good  crack on
the jaw for it, too, but no one else has
seen  so much as  a whisker of a pothole
there.  Leon,  if it makes me kiss  dirt
as well as you did, I don't even want to
know what you were drinking.

Speaking  of  the  river,  May first has
come and gone, and that means those zany
Lefevres  were prancing around doing  as
pagans do to  celebrate Beltane.  I hear
tell our old Hollywood Hopeful, Cam, was
seen giving his sister's roomie cow-eyes
while singing a love song on his guitar.

Is romance in the air?  Time will tell!

If Cerise's bruises  are  C.B.'s form of
romance,  however,  I  don't  want them.
Now,  I, for one,  don't  think  the guy
did it, but I've  heard plenty of voices
wondering  whether  Cerise  could really
get THAT many bruises just from slipping
on a couple of rocks under a stream.

Cerise, do tell.  Were you doing a tango
out there somewhere? I hear Kip's pretty
terrible at  dancing,  so I wouldn't put
it  past the guy to end up giving you an
elbow to the eye...

May 10, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have only
good to say.

Promise.

It's the talk of the town that  Jack Fry
may be  even more of a stand-up guy,  if
you know what I mean.  Why, Trudy at the
general store was  saying just the other
day  that  when he was out shopping, she
overheard a twenty-something  girl  call
him her daddy, and  wasn't  she just the
spitting image of the late Mrs. Fry...

Welcome to town, kid.  Go  do  something
inadvisable and fun.

Speaking of "inadvisable and fun" things
to be doing,  I  hear  tell a trucker on
his  way  through may have had a bit too
much to drink.  Either  that,  or he's a
fibber.  Now,  I got  this  from  a  few
different  sources, but  as  best I  can
piece  it together,  the man was  trans-
porting  crates  of  food.  When he  got
out  and  started  unpacking it all,  he
found two cans had been opened and eaten
up, turned  into "mice" with  some craft
paper  and glue.

Just wait. It gets even better.

See,  along  with the "mice" left there,
some-mouse  left  copious  quantities of
glitter,  complete with teensy tiny foot
prints  all  over the back of the truck.
Another driver,  heading  to  town  last
Tuesday night,  saw  two  sparkling kids
laughing  their fool heads  off  jumping
out  of  a  truck  at  a stop light, but
when he went back to check  it out,  all
he found was  a splash of glitter on the
road.

Kids,  needless to say, it's not a smart
idea  to hitch-hike and it's not a legal
idea to hitch-hike and steal a company's
property,  even  if it tastes fantastic,
though canned food tasting  fantastic is
a  speculation  I'll  save  for a column
where  I'm allowing myself to say things
which aren't good.

Last  but  not least,  what's this about
Miss Mina wearing  a  particular ring on
her finger?  Do tell!  That's  the  kind
glitter we all WANT to see.

May 17, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  I  have  a
LOT to get through. You folks are great!

First,  I  heard  a little birdy down at
the Seventh House Cafe  saying  that the
owner,  Avalon,  is  planning on hosting
some  sort  of fair in  the near future.
As long as the  White Witch of the North
here has some good black tea, I'm in.

Now,  I'm doubtful on this one,  but I'm
morally  obligated  to defend your goats
and  virgins:  watch  out  for so-called
Satanists  on July 27th.  I hear they're
setting  up  for  some big event down by
the river.

Events  are  the  way  to  go, it seems,
because  the gold-flinging Logan Brenner
is  up to it again.  I haven't been able
to get details,  so you'll  have to stay
tuned for those, but it sounds like he's
planning a big lakeside barbecue down in
Fort   Brunsett   for   charity.  Anyone
feeling hungry?

If  you're feeling hungry for abuse, our
favorite curmudgeon  Ryan Dunnage  seems
to  have a  new  favorite  topic.  Ryan,
what's up with Thompson Meadows?  If you
want romantic advice,  I  bet  that cute
Japanese  magician  can help you win him
over...  haven't  seen Meadows in weeks,
so whatever you're doing,  I don't think
it's working.  Come  to  think of it,  I
haven't  seen  Roberto  Alvarez  around,
either. What do you think, folks? He and
Meadows gone off to get hitched?

Seems  there's  been a rash of Christmas
capers  around town, too.  I've had four
people say they got a Christmas card and
started having weird stuff happen. Where
are the Ghostbusters when you need them?

For  that  matter,  where's a Boba Fett?
Get this.  Mr.  Oswald Addington, one of
the  Councilmen  down  in Fort Brunsett,
actually  has a bounty out on the ballsy
artist who painted a three-headed cat on
his town car.  $150 for a lead, $300 for
the culprit.  Anyone got a good speeder?

Last but not least,  does Kip have a new
admirer?  A certain  Megan Sato has been
seen in and out of Homepage, and hoo boy
has she been loud.  If not Kip, I know a
certain employee  who's not a bad looker
at all...  Something  going  on that you
want to tell us, Cerise?

May 24, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we get the
joy of knowing that Amanda Rachne's food
will be gracing someone else's tables. I
hope   her  new  husband  has  a  strong
stomach!  That  said,  Mandy,  we'll all
miss your basket-weaving. Send us a note
from Colorado,  and  stop  by the office
before you go. We'll keep in touch!

I  hear  tell  some specifically unnamed
magicians  would like to start up debate
about  which  one  of them is cuter than
the  other.  See  Haruki  and Itsuki for
details,  though given that I'm told bad
things  happen  to  the places they plan
to perform,  maybe you should wait until
after they open up their magical museum.

While  I  don't  know of any fires being
set  in anybody's hearts this past week,
I'm sure glad the real thing is done and
gone. We here at the Times would like to
give a great big thank you to all of the
volunteers and responders who helped out
with taming the wildfires this past week
out in the west valley.

I  do know that a certain teenaged some-
one  came by to leave  Mr. Arnold a love
note, however...

Sorry to say, kid  but I don't think you
really  have a chance.  He's a one-woman
cat, and Missy Potts is his woman.

May 31, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT

This week in Tamarack Falls,  let's  all
take a  minute  to  get  sappy here, and
think about gratitude.  I,  for one,  am
very grateful  that we have so many good
men and women here in town willing to be
volunteers  out  west.  The  town  is  a
little   emptier,   a   little  quieter,
without you all,  but with luck and good
hard   work,  they'll  track  down  that
bomber and give them what they deserve.

Done  being  sappy?  Good.  Now for some
gossip.

Now,  anyone with eyes knows that Cerise
Hodgson is around our favorite Alexander
on a regular basis. Gotta wonder whether
he's starting to rub off on her, though.
I've heard  from  multiple  sources that
she's  been spotted wandering around the
city in  various  states  of drunkenness
lately.  Cerise,  if  it's man troubles,
I'm  useless,  but I do know the name of
a good couples therapist...

Speaking of women with problems, while I
commend  your dedication to your health,
Franklyn, there are safer places for you
to walk than down the riverbank at night
around  here,  and  you  of  all  people
should know better.

Folks have been busy this week,  so stay
with me,  here, readers.  Gossip, speed-
run style!

I'm told there has been a gaggle of gun-
shots down by Snake Creek. Whoever's out
there, find a shooting range, would you?
The noise is getting old for residents.

Remember  Thompson Meadows?  Apparently,
one  of the Utridge bachelors was picked
up by  a blonde seen going in and out of
Meadows' home.

Mr. Meadows  himself seems to have found
a pot of luck, however.  Word is his new
prosthetics  are  the work of some young
savant called Widget. Could be worse.  I
knew a guy called Dick N. Bhallis once.

The  Frys  are  having fun with the prep
for the Pink Cow Run,  meanwhile, though
I'm not sure how the Trojan Cow is going
to come into the action...  I've made my
obligatory  inappropriate  joke  for the
day,  so  you can go ahead and imagine a
whopper about wooden bovines yourself.

I'm told the lights went out down by the
Riverside  markets last Tuesday.  Darker
than  the inside  of  a cat,  not that I
have any personal experience with the
inside of felines.

I  don't  have  a lot of experience with
fossils,  either,  but get this: someone
found  some great big honking bones from
pleistocene   beluga   whales,   of  all
things,   and  a  fully  intact  mammoth
skeleton.  Gotta  say, my bet's on hoax.
Anyone  who  knows about it,  you let us
all know; inquiring minds, and all that.

Speaking of animals, the artist with the
three-headed  cat  has competition.  I'm
told  a  number  of strange symbols have
been cropping  up all over town on cars,
buildings,  even pets.  I've known a few
perfectly  reasonable  Satanists  in  my
time,  but this  is a bit strange,  even
for  them.  I  don't  know  if I believe
the rumors that they're behind it all.

Last  but not least,  Melinda Bates says
she's seen a strange  man  in  an orange
suit stumbling around town at night, but
she  couldn't  understand  what  he  was
saying.  Whatever it was,  he sure liked
yelling it.

June 7, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  it  sounds
like we  have a lost Alexander wandering
around town.  No one got a name,  but if
you're reading  this,  kiddo,  check out
the Stone & Crown Shipping down in FB. I
would advise learning some Spanish, too,
while you're  at it.  Lolo's swearing is
something to be admired.

Franklyn's decisions, however,  are less
admirable.

We have people  in three camps:  camp #1
thinks she  was down there setting off a
few  harmless  fireworks.  Camp #2  says
she's  been dating C.B. too long and set
a few small fires  for kicks and giggles
and  the pure cussed joy of it.  Camp #3
is   my   personal   favorite:  her  pet
hamster died  a noble death, and she was
there  to  give it a Viking funeral upon
the water.

Speaking of water, the Pink Cow Run went
off swimmingly -- literally, in some
cases.

I'm told Avalon Lefevre dunked Jimmy Fry
into the water tank with one throw, that
cutey  Maggie Locklear  pinking  him  up
right afterward.  The  ladies  pinked up
more than Jimmy,  too,  from all I hear.
Albert,  you  may have some  competition
for good arms... Maybe you should take a
few pitching lessons from them.  I don't
know about you, but breaking your mama's
kitchen window,  twice,  in one week, is
something I'd want to learn how to stop.

Speaking of Frys,  I hear tell that Jack
fellow  has  a  mighty  fine chest,  but
don't get  your hopes up, ladies; Gladys
was out  walking  those  mops  she calls
dogs  bright  and early, and spotted him
at Dr. Gallagher's cabin.  Now,  THAT is
a form of anthropology  I wouldn't  mind
studying...

I hear Kip was doing a bit of 'studying'
himself  recently  with that Zillah from
the  shop  next door.  Despite claims to
the contrary, I've met the guy, and it's
my not inconsiderable opinion that  he's
way  too  much  of a marshmallow to hurt
his darling Mina.

Then again, if they broke up...

Inquiring minds want to know, Kip. How's
your love life?  Still in love?

June 14, 2018

Enid Schmitt is not having a good year. She was in the hospital this past week after someone tried to kidnap her.

Elsewhere in the paper, it is explained that the assailants are unknown, but they were wearing dark suits, and police are investigating the incident.

June 21, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  for  those
of  you  who missed  me last week,  I've
gotta say,  this getting kidnapped thing
is seriously getting old.

Folks,   I   am   a   newspaper   gossip
columnist,  not an  evil  minion out  to
destroy  the world of humankind.  If you
think  I have money  worth  taking,  you
should talk to my boss.

No, the  police  don't  know  who it was
yet.  Yes,  they're  working on it. Yes,
I'm  mightily  peeved, and don't come in
wearing  a  black  suit  and shiny black
shoes  any time soon, or I may mace you.
The  knock-out   gas   tie-pin   was  an
unexpected touch, and very James Bond of
them.  I'd  rather  get  stepped on by a
cow again, all things considered.

Enough with that!  On to the fun stuff.

I  hear Ben Utridge is going back to his
old playboy ways  down  there at the Red
Clover  Hotel.  Clandestine  engagements
with people my source says were hotties,
and last  week he  was  even  sporting a
great big hickey, too.

I  wouldn't mind a hickey from something
other  than  a facemask at the hospital.
Any volunteers?

June 28, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  we  get to
explore the wide, wild world of Haruki's
underwear choices.

Somehow, I believe he had help with this
particular escapade, but I've had half a
dozen  reports from ladies all over town
that if even a quarter of those garments
are actually his,  they'd like to have a
nice,  very private, chat with him about
his brand choices.  And advice.

On  the  subject  of a different sort of
fireworks, we're coming up on the Fourth
of July here, folks, and the parade this
weekend is expected to bring in a lot of
out-of-towners.  Who  wouldn't  want  to
dunk  a  Mayor into a vat of strawberry,
clear and blue raspberry Jell-O cubes?

Sorry, Jack.  Count me in.  Dolores  has
had my $5 for two weeks now.

Anyone of  a mind for fireworks can find
a  nice perch by the cliff to watch Fort
Brunsett's  display out on the lake. Our
own is a little dinky in comparison, but
we're  a dinky little town.  The  Miller
boys have done us proud this past month,
getting  all the roads smoothed out,  so
kudos to them.

There's  just   something  about  a  man
without a shirt handling heavy machinery
to  get your  engine  revving...  Louise
MacFarlan  wouldn't  know anything about
that,  now, would she?  Cute skirt, Lou.
Maybe next time  keep it on a little bit
longer.  Granny Miller's going to have a
heart  attack before the wedding at this
rate.

Congratulations, by the way.

July 5, 2018

T A M A R A C K T I M E S
GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls,  it is with
great  pleasure  that  I  heard a little
birdy say  Kip's not  done with his wild
and  questionably  romantic  shenanigans
just yet, engagement or no.  Someone saw
Mina  running  out  of  the back room in
teensy  tiny  shorts  (great gams, girl)
and  a tiny tank  top which looked slept
in.

Kip,  I've got to ask: did she doggy-ear
a  page in  bed?  Is that why you kicked
her out?  Ladies around  town are saying
you've taken  this foxy ladies' man aura
to heart,  but  I  know  better  than to
trust that adorkably bumbling facade.

Your  secret  admirer,  however,  really
should get a new hobby.  Why, Mary Page,
poor dear, just bought a book on crochet
at Homepage,  and now she's cleaning off
all  forty-seven  copies  of  Kip's name
from where  it was painted on her house.
Laney Boggs,  her neighbor,  said it was
blood,  for sure,  but  I'd like to know
how she got close enough to check,  when
she can't  even handle a paper cut with-
out fainting. Really, Laney.

Charles du Bois knows a bit about faints
himself, after yesterday's parade.  Now,
I  know  it's a teacher's job to educate
his students,  but a real life lesson on
staying  hydrated  while marching in hot
wool  uniforms  was probably not high on
the curriculum's alternate lesson list.

Speaking of inappropriate clothing, I've
had  a few reports of a recently-arrived
African  fellow  dancing his way through
town  in  a  sundress  as  loud  as  his
rendition of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
this past week.  Prank or lost bet?  Meg
from the corner store says his legs were
something to be admired, however...

Also to be admired, and possibly feared,
I'm told some  sort of big cat was heard
roaring  down along  Lake Brunsett  this
past Monday. I haven't heard whether the
cat's  been found,  but I'd be wary of a
nice hike through the woods, myself.

Someone else has been growling,  lately,
and  it's  a  matter of some speculation
whether  Weaver Utridge jumped the broom
a mite too quickly.  Newly wed to Velvet
Danvers,  several  ladies have mentioned
that the man has been a miserable grouch
the last few days.  Trouble in paradise?

Those  Utridges  aren't  having a lot of
luck lately,  it seems, because a bit of
digging  here and there informed me that
none  other  than Olivia Utridge herself
held   an   impromptu  concert  at   the
children's  wing  of  Riverside Hospital
last month, and got pranked by a fire in
the stairwell.

I  haven't  heard  any tales of ravenous
fanboys  tearing  perpetrators limb from
limb yet over the internet, but I'm sure
the  fan  rage  is  just  waiting in the
wings.